February 10, 2026 • 43 mins
Originally aired March 10, 2025
You know Jay Shetty as a bestselling author and podcast powerhouse, but in this special Valentine’s Day Best of My Legacy episode, his wife, Radhi Devlukia, reveals a whole new view of the man behind the mic. Hosts Martin Luther King III, Arndrea Waters King, Marc Kielburger, and Craig Kielburger sit down with Jay and Radhi for a rare, unfiltered conversation about love, partnership, and the small but powerful ways they make each other feel truly seen.
- Jay reflects on how marriage continues to challenge and reshape his views on love—and why Radhi’s support wasn’t what he expected, but exactly what he needed.
- Radhi opens up about why she didn’t initially see Jay as more than a friend and the surprising struggles of finding her own voice in their relationship.
- Discover the simple daily gestures that keep their bond strong, even through life’s biggest changes.
Packed with heartfelt laughter, raw honesty, and unexpected emotional moments, this episode peels back the layers of a relationship rooted in trust, growth, and deep commitment.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Radi's never let me define my self worth based on
my success. So when I first started to experience success,
Radi didn't celebrate it in the way I wanted her to, and.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I would want.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Look, I'd wanted my wife to be my number one
fan and my biggest cheerleader, and she wasn't for my career.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
But I had to realize if I.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Skewed my perspective, she was for who I was, So
if it came to my character, that's what she was
back in.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I think we all want to be loved for who
we are and not love for what we achieved.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I did start listening to a podcast last year.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
There I mean.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Welcome to My Legacy Podcast, where we explore what it
truly means to create a living legacy through our actions,
our choices, and the way we show up for others
every day. Ronor to be joined by Jay Shetty, global
best selling author and purpose driven entrepreneur who's wisdom on love, mindfulness,
and personal transformation has reached millions through his number one
(01:06):
podcast on Purpose Now. Of course, what makes my Legacy
Podcast unique is we don't just hear from extraordinary individuals.
We hear from their life partners, their friends, the people
who know them best. And we're beyond lucky because Jay
is joined today by his incredible wife, Roddy de Vlukiya.
(01:29):
She is a nutritionist. She is a best selling author
of joy Full. She is the host of her own podcast,
A Really Good Cry. I love that title. She's a
powerful force for wellness, for conscious living and for joyful cooking.
Welcome to you both.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Yeah, I'm so grateful to be back with you and
reunited with all of you. Thank you so much for
having us. We're so honored and so grateful. Truly, it
was such a wonderful to be in your presence a
year ago now is it even longer?
Speaker 5 (02:00):
It was about a year ago, about a year ago.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So wonderful to be reunited. And I wish you were
meeting Rady in person too. Why we'll settle for this.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
We must do dinner when we're all on the same
coast again.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
We would love that absolutely, yes, yes, yes, well, Jay,
on that note, because we want to know you over
well gosh, probably a decade now, but we don't know
Rady as well. So if I can put you on
the spot. The two of you have created this incredible
relationship based on conscious living, on Purpose, on Joy. So
how did you first meet this incredible woman and how
(02:35):
did you know that she was your person?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
So the interesting thing is the first episode of my
podcast On Purpose Ever, was me and Rady telling this
story together. And I always wanted to start the show
at a really authentic, genuine, conscious place, and I thought,
why not do it with the person who knows me
best and knows me most deeply. And so the long story,
short version is I was in my final year of
(03:03):
college and I knew that I was going to become
a monk after I graduated, and I would go to
my local temple to serve and assist on the weekends
just to stay out of trouble. And when I was
doing that service, I was asked to show a woman
around who was around my mom's age, with different chores
and different practices at the temple. I'd never been asked
(03:25):
to do this before. This was the first time I
showed her around. She was very sweet, and then at
the end of it, she said to me, I have
a daughter that I'd love to introduce to spirituality and meditation.
And I said, well, I'm going to become a monk,
so I can introduce her to my younger sister who's
also involved in the community.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
And why don't you bring her in?
Speaker 1 (03:44):
And so you know, that week she brought her in
and it happened to be my wife's mom, and Raley
was her daughter who came in, and I introduced Radi
and my sister, and I remember seeing Rally and thinking
she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and
I thought, no, no.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
No, focus, focus, focus to.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Become a monk, and so I kind of like shut
it out.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And then when I came back from the monastery, Radi
and my sister had become best friends, and so my
sister was our matchmakers. So that's how we met, and
then how I knew she was the one.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You know, it's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Someone asked me this question recently, and I think I
gave at least what I believe to be a truthful
and honest answer, and is that I don't know if
you ever know.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I think you.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Commit and invest to building something together, and you know,
because the other person also wants to commit and build
and invest in you, and that's what makes them the one.
And I really believe that it's quite naive to think
when you meet someone, or when you move in with someone,
or when you marry someone, that this is going to
be the person you're with for three or four or
(04:50):
five decades in today's world. And so for me, I
know that Radi's the one because she invests every day
today more than even when we start. And that's something
that I can only discover today, and I couldn't have
known twelve years ago when we first got together, and
nine years ago when we got married, I couldn't have
possibly known that. And so I hope that freeze people
(05:13):
up from this pressure and expectation that I've got to
find this person on day one and know that they're
going to be perfect and the person. When I probably
would have said that twelve years ago if you asked me, like,
I found the one, I know it now when I
look back, I'm like, no, I'm lucky. She's proved me right,
but she very easily could have proved me wrong. And
so I'm very grateful that she's, you know, stood by
(05:34):
me through so many ups and downs and so many
incredible journeys that we've been on.
Speaker 5 (05:38):
So roddy, I'm very very curious. So you're at a
temple and you see this wonderful human being that was
training to be a monk. At what was going through
your mind when you first when you first met him.
Speaker 6 (05:57):
That's a really good question. You know, I he was
in like, he was in white robes at the time.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Weren't you. Yeah, he was training to be a monk.
He was in white robes. He knew my mom. It
was like a very odd situation.
Speaker 6 (06:10):
My mom was introducing us, and so when I saw him,
it was it was interesting because he had like tattoos
in monk clothes, was a very like well spoken person,
where normally, in my mind, a monk was someone who
was from India and I, you know, usually would have
to speak to them in another language. And so it
was kind of changing a lot of narratives in my
mind of what I expected to see when my mom
(06:30):
was like, oh, I want to introduce you to this monk,
so I think I was readjusting to my expectations. And
then I mean I started going to his classes and
hearing him speak about spirituality, and honestly, I think I
felt in awe of him through watching him in those
spaces and in the community, and you know, I ended
up being an observer of him rather than a friend
(06:53):
at the beginning, because we didn't really have a friendship
or a relationship at all when we first met. So
it was quite nice seeing him in his own environment
doing something that he loved. And so at first it
was almost like he had He felt like a teacher
and a guide more than he felt like someone that
I was thinking I could be with. But then when
I became friends with his sister and she kept telling
(07:13):
me all these amazing things about him.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I was like, Oh, he's so sweet and they have.
Speaker 6 (07:17):
The sweetest relationship he you know, he is like a
father figure to her, and she loves him so much.
And I thought, well, someone who's got that relationship with
their sister, and usually your sibling has the best and
worst things to say about you. And she just loved
him so much. And so there was moments where you know,
I kept saying to I was like, you know, I
(07:37):
think every like your brother, and she was like, you can't.
He's going to be a monk for the rest of
his life. I leave him alone. She was like, I
need you to leave him, please, Yeah, please, I'm just
telling you he wants to be a monk.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Forever.
Speaker 6 (07:48):
So yeah, I kind of gave up on that idea.
And so as soon as he came out from being
a monk and we got to know each other, we
both just realized how how right we ended up being
about each other, as he said, And it was a
nice surprise because it could have gone both ways.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
You know, I love that she said fell in awe
rather than fell in love. I don't think I've ever
really heard that way. That's a beautiful yes, yes, fell
in awe.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Well, the one thing she left out was that she
usually tells a bit like you didn't you didn't clarify
that actually when we first met, you just didn't notice me,
and I didn't like, just yeah, well, no I.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Did notice you.
Speaker 6 (08:24):
I just wasn't like it wasn't like my mom saying, hey,
here's someone for you to meet in that way, Hey,
here's a monk from him.
Speaker 5 (08:33):
Here's a monk. Every great journey begins with the foundation
that we come from the people who raised us, those
who you know, sewed into us, the people who believed
in us. So, Jay, who were the most influential people
in your life in your childhood, and what would you say,
(08:56):
are some of the biggest lessons that they passed on
to you.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
That's such an interesting question. I feel I was very,
very fortunate that the most influential people in my life
became people I discovered through autobiographies and biographies. So and
that's because I think I was the eldest and I
kind of was a bit rebellious, so I didn't really
(09:23):
fit in, and I don't think I was getting that
much great advice from my family or extended family. And
I fell in love with I mean, you know, I
think I mentioned this to you when we first met.
I fell in love with the writings of doctor Martin
Luther King. I fell in love with Malcolm X. I
fell in love with Dune the Rock Johnson and David Beckham.
So my reading my reading spectrum was fairly wide, but
(09:47):
I was reading the biographies and autobiographies and writings of
all of these individuals. And so there were pop culture
icons like David Beckham and Draine the Rock Johnson, and
then these incredible historical figures to me in Martin Luther
King and in in Malcolm X. And that really truly
became the basis of the advice in my life. I
really really believed that I associated with these people through
(10:10):
their writing. I really believed that they became my wise advisors,
they became my board of directors, and they became the
people that I turned to in times of difficulty because
they'd been through so much, so much more than i'd
ever even have to fathom going through, and so there
felt to be an incredible strength in that. And I
(10:31):
think because my dad was fairly aloof and disconnected from
me when I was young, it really gave me a
freedom to look for that. And now I look back,
and I didn't know this then, but I assume I
was looking for male role models at the time, more
people that I could hold onto. So it's no surprise
that all the books I was reading were men. And
at the same time, my monk teachers, who I really
(10:52):
do see as father figures to me as well, have
become incredible pillars in my life. And I'm really grateful
to my dad for them. You know, I think a
lot of people may feel that if their parents are
slightly disconnected or aloof, it can be a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
For me, it was great.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I got to become the man I wanted to be.
I got to build an image of who I wanted
to be, and I got to choose the people that
I really aspired to learn from and gain from and
gain insight from, and so those individuals, whether it was
reading about how David Beckham on a Friday night would
tie a car tire in the top hand corner of
(11:28):
a goalpost and practice taking free kicks while all his
friends were out drinking and partying and all the rest
of it, or whether it was talking about Drained the
Rock Johnson's challenges with depression and finding himself, or whether,
of course it was the incredible work of Martin Luther
King and Malcolm X. It was just fascinating to gain
insight from what I believe to be some of the
(11:49):
most powerful, incredible and beautiful people who walked the earth.
Speaker 5 (11:54):
That's so amazing, and it resonates so deeply with me
because you all know how much I love reading. I'm
a I love love reading. And I don't know if
we talked about this Jay when we were together, but
when I was a little girl in elementary school, I
spent a lot of time in the library of my
school and I read. I mean I went through almost
(12:15):
the entire autobiography and biography section of my school. I
got special awards for that, so I really resonate with that,
Like you know, taking bits and pieces of I always
found inspiration in people's stories.
Speaker 4 (12:28):
We can testify to this because you two haven't, I
don't think yet been to the King's House. We got
to make this happen though. But you got the amazing
shoe closet that's full of books.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Books.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I love it.
Speaker 7 (12:42):
I love it, not just the shoe closet, it's everywhere.
You just kind of walk in and you're goneer knowledge.
You don't even have to open.
Speaker 5 (12:53):
Although Martin hates traveling with me and with the with
my with my book back.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
It's just a heavy lift. That's so true.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
When we moved to New York nine years ago, I
had one suit I only had like two suitcases with me,
and one of them was full of clothes and things
like that, and the other one was completely full of books. Yes,
and that's that's how we traveled. And I was like, no,
I can't leave these behind. And I'm still into physical books.
I'm not a fan of digital books.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
To talk, you're not both and Radi. You said that
your family's journey from being refugees to building a new
life shape the way that you see the world. What
lesson from your upbringing would you say continues to guide
you today?
Speaker 3 (13:42):
So many things.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
My you know, my grandma was born and raised in
India and then moved to Uganda when she got married
to my granddad, and from there she then became a
refugee when she came into Scotland with absolutely nothing. They
coudn't bring anything with them. And it was so interesting
because even from the moment that I like my first
(14:04):
memory of my grandma has been she has spent her
whole life just in service to family, to community, whether
it was in the refugee camp. She was one of
the first people to start cooking in the kitchen for
the community because they went used to eating the food
from from the UK. They wanted to eat food that
was part of their culture. And so my grandma got
in the kitchen and she was cooking for everyone. Even
(14:25):
when she had nothing, she was still doing things for
other people. And so I think that's been a thread
of all I've seen her do and not ever have
I seen a moment of resentment through doing it. And
you know, I always think about, you know, you're doing
too much or beyond your capacity when you start becoming
resentful or feeling like you deserve something back for doing
(14:47):
what you've been doing. But my grandma I've never seen.
She's ninety one now and she is still the most joyful, content,
like self content human that I've met. And I honestly
think it's because she gave with zero expectation throughout her life,
and certain situations put her into a into a moment
where she had to do that whether she wanted to
(15:07):
or not, but it became part of her. And so
I think that watching her has wanted like has made
me want to do the same for people around me.
And you know, also her deep spiritual practice, Like my
grandma speaks to God more than she speaks to humans,
and I don't say that lightly. She spends more hours
of her day in prayer speaking to God than she
(15:29):
does actually interacting with humans, at least for the past
ten years that I've seen. She wakes up in the
morning at like three point thirty in the morning, She's
praying till nine am. She's then back in prayer by
two pm till three o'clock, back in prayer again from
six pm till eight pm, and then again in the
evening before she goes to bed, And so I think
(15:51):
you can only really give that two people when you've,
when you've given yourself that deeper connection to God or
the universe, that's empowering you to be able to actually
give to others in that capacity. So those are just
a couple of the things, but yeah, so many things.
And my mum and my dad both emulate that same
nature too.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might tap
that button and stay connected to conversations that can't. Now
back to my legacy.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
You know from my experience it's often the struggles that
define who we are. Many times we know the glory,
but we don't necessarily know the story of the individual.
So Jay, can you share or take us back to
(16:43):
one of the toughest moments in your journey and what
ultimately it taught you.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
It's so interesting, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
When you're asked to think about a tough moment in
your life, you almost just see it as your life,
and so you don't I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I never grew up.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
I only recognize when I got older and I spoke
to people about experiences I went through that they were
tough because up until that point, they were just my
life and they just felt normal, and you kind of
assume everyone's going through those things, and so I think
we all walk around thinking that everyone should understand us
because they went through the same thing. And the truth
is we don't understand each other because we went through
very different things. And until you meet someone who's gone
(17:29):
through something that you can connect with or resonate with,
it's really hard to reconcile it. I think for me,
a big part of it was that I grew up
in a home that I mediated my parents' marriage, and
I would say that that was the most challenging thing
growing up because I didn't wake up to a great environment.
(17:54):
And I think for me that made me who I
am today, and so I have a lot of grat
for that and appreciation for that. But I think a
lot of people see me and the work I do today,
and they often see the marriage I have with my
wife today in our connection and relationship, and it comes
from just having a long list of what not to do.
(18:14):
And so I think often in life you could get
an amazing experience, and when you get that, you should
write down everything you should do, and sometimes you're going
to get a really painful experience, and in that you
should write down everything you should never do. And so
partly what I'm grateful to have today is a list
of what not to do in a relationship. And I'm
(18:36):
very grateful that I got those lessons and those messages
because they allowed me to really be conscious about who
I wanted to be, what I wanted to build, how
I wanted to grow. And so that was very very
early on in my life, and I really believe that today.
The reason why I have the ability to listen to
people and their pain, and why I feel empathetic and
(19:00):
passionate to pretty much all experiences is because I remember
doing that for my parents. I remember listening to my
mom for hours and hearing her challenges and recognizing that
they were real. And I remember listening sitting to my
dad for hours and recognizing his challenges and that they
were real. And what it taught me was to look
(19:22):
beyond the person and find the context to how they
became that way. And I think this is what we
often don't think of. We think, why are you that way?
But we don't ask the question, how did you become
that way? Or what happened to you that that's where
you are today. And I think that's a better question.
And I think when I started to look into the
(19:44):
past of my parents, I started to notice so much
more information and experiences and pain and stress that they'd
been through that had made them that way. And so
I felt very grateful to be loved by both of them,
and to this day feel my mother. It's unconditional love
in the most special way. But being there for both
(20:04):
of them was a really interesting challenge growing up that
it's why I do what I do for a living today,
So I'm not mad about it.
Speaker 8 (20:13):
Well, Jay, we're so inspired by that context of how
you've become such an incredible voice, RADI, I wanted to
ask you a question. You've dedicated so much of your
life to helping others heal. What's a moment in your
life where you've had to heal yourself.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
That's a good question. I feel like I'm healing on
a daily basis.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
But I'd say a place where I felt I needed
the most amount of growth and noticed the most amount
of growth was when me and j first got married.
We moved to New York, and it was the first
time i'd really moved away from family, moved away from home,
moved to a place where I pretty much knew nobody
and we were starting from scratch, and I grew up
(20:54):
as the youngest child where most things were done for me.
I was whether it was like me doing my homework late,
my sister would stay up late and help me, whether
any part any decision I would make, my mum would
help me make it. You know, I really wasn't used
to doing things for myself or by myself, and so
when we moved to New York, I also had been
(21:16):
studying for a long time, only to move a jay
to have a spouse visa where I couldn't work, And
so I found myself in a weird position of just
feeling lost and having to get to know myself in
ways that I never had before. I was able to
hide behind the work I did, or my family or
the community I was part of, and all of that
was kind of stripped away from me to only come
(21:36):
to realize I absolutely did not know myself at all.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I didn't know how.
Speaker 6 (21:40):
To choose colors of things that I liked. I didn't
know how to make decisions for myself. I didn't know
whether I wanted something or didn't, And so it became
this journey that of just starting to learn about who
I actually was, Like I grew up just thinking I
wanted what my family wanted, or I I liked what
(22:01):
my sister liked, because I didn't spend the time to
really get to know what my wants or needs were.
And so I spent a lot of my time in
New York walking around well one crying over crying down
the streets, which seemed really normal in New York, no
one seemed to careful, and then having to do some
seriously deep work of figuring out what is it that
(22:22):
I like and dislike and want in my life. And
so I'd say that took a lot of healing because
I had to also unlearn things that I had I
thought that I knew about myself based on other people,
and I had to realize that those were all views
from others and perceptions of others that I had to
(22:43):
step away from because maybe I didn't want that narrative
of myself and I wanted to create a new one.
So yeah, they say that was probably the time I've
had to heal the most.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
That's beautiful. It's interesting too, because so we have an
eldest child married to a younger child. Yes, exactly, you're
making it work. And as I'm hearing your idea, I
think that obviously all of our stories are so unique,
but I do think that that what you just shared
(23:15):
is so indicative to a lot of women as well,
you know, kind of finding our voices, finding what it
is that are, you know, aligning to our desires, and
then honoring our desires. And so I think that that
was a beautiful share, and I think that so many
women in particular can find themselves within that story.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
No, I was just thinking about you know, I think
we go through this ebb and flow of being lost
and found regularly. And I always used to think that
you just once you figure out what you want to
do or who you.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Are, is just an upward trajectory.
Speaker 6 (23:49):
But I realized that you end up, you know, when
you end up realizing that being lost is part of
life's journey, Like you're always going to feel a little
bit lost as you go along life because experience has happened,
things happen that you don't expect to. You realize that
it's actually part of it. It's not an obscure thing
that only you are going through, because I feel like
I've gone through moments of feeling really found and understood
(24:12):
to only feel really lost again. And then I feel
really in my purpose and in my power, and then I.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Feel lost again.
Speaker 6 (24:18):
And so I think that ebb and flow is something
that we have to realize is actually just part of it.
I don't think it is. I don't think it's the exception.
I think it is actually the rule of life, and
it's part and partil of it.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Yes, I love that.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
I think also that's almost the progress as it relates
to humanity in a way. I think we all we
think that progress is linear, but it really is. It
is more in the ebbs and flow and keeping hold
to that vision and that the dream that's inside of you. So, okay,
(24:54):
we know the challenges of working with your your partner.
Speaker 8 (25:02):
There's challenges.
Speaker 6 (25:06):
It's wonderful right now, Like it's so wonderful all the
time every day.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
How do you all navigate through through those challenges?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
How do we deal with working with each other?
Speaker 4 (25:23):
I noticed, very wisely the questions.
Speaker 6 (25:27):
He's like, let me see what she saystive, I would say,
you know, the good thing is we both have extremely
different skill sets, Like we are very different humans. And
so what what's great in that sense is Jay handles
a lot of the things that I don't want to
(25:49):
or don't have the skills to. I would say, like,
he's really good at the business side of things, and
I really enjoy the creative side of things.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
And so especially for.
Speaker 6 (25:59):
The main part we work on together is Junie, our
tea company, and so he does a lot of the
business management calls.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Is that what you'd call it?
Speaker 6 (26:08):
Sure, like the finance stuff and what else would you
call it?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Strategic?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
The strategic stuff, Yeah, And I really liked doing the creative,
working with the team to do events and building the brands,
the flavors of yeah, the flavors, the intricacies behind what
we actually put into the product. And so honestly, we're
not often on the same cause and so we do
(26:36):
work together, but I wouldn't say.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've only ever the only thing we've
ever done together work wise is our tea company, Juni,
and that was really exciting because that was something that
we shared in common. We both wanted to drink drinks
that didn't have sugar, so we wanted to build a
zero gram sugar drink. We wanted something with low calories,
so only as five calories. We wanted something that was
(27:04):
filled with ashwagandha and rishi mushroom and all these things
that we know we should be taking, and so that's
why we focused on that. But the reason why it
is easy to work on it together is because we
founded the company many years into our marriage, and I
think by then we have a good understanding of each
other's strengths and weaknesses, and we have a lot of trust.
So I know, if Radi's on a call about flavor profiles,
(27:28):
I know she understands flavor profiles far better than I
ever would. My palette is really basic. Right before I
met her, I had no idea what any of these
incredible herbs and plant extracts and adaptations are. And so
her level of knowledge in that field is something I
can trust. It's something I would back, it's something I
feel very confident in, and thankfully she feels that way
(27:49):
about me and my strength, and so I think that's
why it works for us. I don't think I could.
I think I'd find it hard if we had similar
skill sets and we were constantly debating and figuring it out.
I quite like the dividing conquers who works well.
Speaker 8 (28:03):
Well, we love your tea company, we love your t brand.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Jay.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
In your international best selling book Eight Rules of Love,
you talk about what it takes to nurture a relationship.
Can you give us one or two of your top
suggestions on how you can continuously strengthen bonds between couples?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Should be asking all of you this, but I'll try
my best. I'm sure there's a lot more wisdom on
that side of the table. So I feel underqualified, but
I would say one of my favorite ones is I
have a chapter in the book called your partner is
your Guru. And what I mean by that is that
(28:43):
not that they're an authoritative, judgmental, dictatorial individual, because that's
not what a guru is. A guru is someone who's
dedicated to your growth, who's committed to helping you find
your path, and who's while.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
You do it.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
That's actually what a guru is, especially in the Eastern traditions.
And one of my favorite things about that is that
your partner is really a mirror. And the challenge we
have in relationships is that the right partner holds up
the mirror in a non judgmental way. But we're so
convinced that the mirror is broken because we don't like
(29:24):
what we see that we reject them. So we reject
the one person who actually has the ability to help
us grow. And so Radi has been completely non judgmental, empathetic,
and compassionate about my health journey. When I met Radi,
I was addicted to sugar, I ate a lot of
fried food. I was fairly unhealthy physically, and because I
(29:47):
had a strong mind and meditated daily and felt like
I'd got somewhere with that journey, I felt like my
body almost didn't matter. I almost felt like it was
an afterthought. And she didn't teach me by telling me
I was wrong and that I was wasting time, that
I was being lazy, and that I should work out more,
because none of those things would have helped me, because
my ego would have come to my defense and been
(30:10):
a shield and pushed back, and I would have been
affected by that like I think we all are. Instead,
she set the example. She's worked out every day i've
known her, She's eaten a clean diet, she's always cooked
healthy food. She encouraged me and educated me in the
challenges of how I was living without making me feel
bad about them, and she's been my guru for my
(30:30):
health and so to me, when your partners your guru,
and you allow your partner to teach you in a
non judgmental, non confrontational, non finger pointing way, that is
the person who can help you grow. There's no one
on planet Earth who could make you a better human
being than the person you spend the most time with,
(30:51):
so that your partners your guru is probably one of them.
And I think you said a couple. I would add
that the problem is we often want our partners to change,
but what we don't have is the patience that it
takes to watch them change. And we also want them
to change into the people we want them to be,
(31:12):
not the people that they want them to be. We
see their potential and we say you must rise to this.
We see the possibility and we say you must reach this.
We see the result for them that we've projected, and
we say, if you don't get to this, you've failed.
And never have we asked them, who do you want
(31:33):
to be? How do you want to live your life?
What are you trying to accomplish? And it's really interesting
to me that we believe, just because we want to
invest in them, that that care is greater than their ambition.
And I think we work so hard we want to
be their savior. We want to be the person to
(31:56):
solve all their problems, we want to be the person
who fixed this is everything for them, just to feel
good about ourselves. We don't actually want them to be happy.
We just want to be happy that we're doing something
for them, and so we don't really give them the patience,
the time, the energy to find who they are and
(32:16):
move in that direction for themselves because we want to
feel like we're helping, we're fixing, where I'm here to
solve all your problems, and in that you try to
be the person who saves them, but actually you push
them away. So those would be my two biggest things
that I think if we can, on the first hand,
learn to be a guru that's non judgmental, and on
the second hand, learn to be patient and let people
(32:38):
become who they want to be, not try to make
them who we want them to be.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
I love that on a personal note because I'm going
to own that, and I think a lot of guys
who are husbands need to own that just being radically
transparent because you called it as it is, like it
is this male desire to want to help, to want
to protect and so on. Often it is that instead
that patience that's sitting in it. And I love I
(33:04):
love that phrase. I wrote that down, like, you know,
the idea of supporting who they want to be, asking
them you know who they want to be, and then
supporting them with that patience on that journey, not wanting
to help even though it comes from a good place,
just giving the space. I just so many husbands out there,
anyone who's listening, who wants to play that clip back
(33:25):
on social media for someone in their life to sit with.
I just want to encourage them to sit with that
for a few minutes. I love the honesty of that advice.
Speaker 8 (33:35):
Well, and the partner is your guru is just so profound.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah, it's changed my life. I didn't know all this
before I got married. I think you figure it out
when you are married, and then you start learning how
much it has to teach you and how much better
you have to become because you love someone. And I
think that's the difference. The right person inspires you to
want to become better, not want to make them better.
Like you know, yeah, I think we're constantly worrying about
oh God, Dan not doing this, and Dan not doing that,
(34:02):
and Dan not doing this, and the right person makes
you look at yourself and go, well, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
So let me start that.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might. We're
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that button and stay connected to conversations that truly count.
Now back to my legacy.
Speaker 7 (34:29):
This is a very simple thing, but it's very important.
I rarely get sick, and I'm blessed and fortunate. But
a lot of that, in my mind is because every day,
not a day goes by that I'm tree doesn't put
out vitamins from me. Now, I would like to be
That's a simple thing. I'd love to be able to
(34:50):
do that, and I will get there. But that constantly reinforces.
You know, when your partner loves you so much that
they're very concerned about your being healthy, being able to
go out into the world as many of us have
to do. So I want to ask you both, what
simple thing does your partner do to show that they
(35:12):
love you?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
Ah, my gosh, Jason.
Speaker 6 (35:15):
Well, Jason very expressive person, but it's not just the
words that he uses, Like he is someone who will
verbally check in and be like, what can I do
to make you happier? Is it anyway I can help you?
And he says that to me on a regular basis.
So I think one part of it is being vocal
about how you want to be there for your partner,
which I actually wasn't very good at and I'm still
(35:37):
getting better at to actually vocalize it. I've you know,
in my mind, I'm I see myself more of an
active service, which is how I've seen my parents be.
So I'd be like, oh, but in my mind, I've
cooked a meal and I've done this little thing. But
sometimes you realize that actually having those vocal moments are
really important and how much that makes a difference in
a relationship. But then in action, it's like the little
(35:59):
things of you know, even if he's just sat down,
when I've sat down and I need something, he'll get
back up. Like if I won't get back up, he'll
get back up to get it. For me or if
I am feeling.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
You still do it.
Speaker 6 (36:15):
And you know, it's those little things where you just
notice someone going out of their way for you, because
not many people want to go out of their way
for you. And then another one is whenever I'm having
I'm quite an emotional person, and whenever he feels my
energy is a little bit off, he'll always, no matter
what he's got going on, he'll always make space and
time to just check in and be like, do you
need do you need help with anything? Can I sit
(36:36):
with you? I can work through whether it's a work thing,
whether it's a family thing. You know, he always creates
the time and space, no matter how busy, to have
those moments of connection if he feels like I really
need it.
Speaker 3 (36:46):
And so, I mean I could probably go on, but
I'll leave it that. There's are a couple of them.
Speaker 6 (36:51):
But yeah, there's so many different ways he expresses himself.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Actually, Jay, Yeah, so many as well. I think. Me
the biggest one is.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I think when we first got married and we moved
to New York and then we were kind of there
for a couple of years, then moving to LA and
we've just been through so much change and change that
wasn't anticipated or expected so change that. We both had
planned to live our whole lives fifteen minutes from our
local temple in England and five minutes away from Radi's
(37:25):
parents home, and actually that was one of her requirements
for us getting married, was that she could be a
one mile radius away from her parents' home and I'd
commit to that, and I genuinely had committed to that.
It was something that I thought was very real. All
of our friends are in that area, families in that area.
It made sense. And then all of a sudden, my
(37:48):
career took a turn in twenty sixteen when this part
of my life started to grow and it's continued to
for the nine years, thankfully. And if I'm completely honest,
that was completely not part of the plan, not my plan,
not her plan, not our plan, but it was what
I couldn't even have dreamed of. And not once in
(38:10):
the last nine years has Radi ever said to me,
look what I gave up for you. And oh God,
I could cry saying this, but it's one of those things.
It's like, I know how much her parents mean to her,
no much her family friends mean to her. I know
how much London means to her and for her to
(38:30):
move away, for her to give that up when we
didn't have clarity, like, you know, we're very fortunate today
to have a wonderful life, but getting here wasn't easy.
I was away a lot, I traveled a lot for work,
I was building things, moving around. And never once did
she say, I gave this all up for you.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
You're never around. You work too hard.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
And I think that kind of trust without nagging, without
making someone feel bad, when I was already carrying the
burden of it myself. And I think that's the feeling
that makes you feel loved where you're like I was
already feeling that way myself. So if she would have
said it to me, it probably would have broken me.
(39:16):
But the fact that she didn't feel that she had
to say it to me makes me feel loved. So
not blaming, not shaming, not pushing, not prodding is is.
It feels like a small thing, but actually it's huge.
And even at the most difficult times in our life,
whether we were financially struggling, you know, struggling with moving, changing,
(39:41):
whatever things were going on in our life, every time
I'd update her on what would happen. She'd always say,
I trust you, and hearing your partner say that when
you don't even know what's going to happen next is
the greatest sign of love. And so and and you know,
she radly decided to date me and commit to a
(40:01):
relationship with me when I had nothing to offer about myself,
And so that's a pretty big thing. She could have
married anyone she wanted to marry. And so her decision
to be with someone who didn't have a even a
secure job when we first started dating, and you know,
someone who'd been in the monastery for three years and
didn't have any sort of savings or any sort of plan,
(40:24):
I think it shows her character and her ability to
you know, go beyond material things. And the more recent one,
I mean, I could go on as well. I think
the more recently.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Don't need to get one.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Raddi's never let me define my self worth based on
my success. So when I first started to experience success,
Raddi didn't celebrate it in the way I wanted her to,
and I would want Look, I'd wanted my wife to
be my number one fan and my biggest cheerleader, and
(40:59):
she was a for my career. But I had to
realize if I skewed my perspective, she was for who
I was. So if it came to my character, that's
what she was backing. She wasn't backing me because of
my career, and that took me. That helped me detach
from valuing myself based on the success of my career
because I think that's what I would have done and
(41:21):
what I would have wanted if she had fallen in
that way. And so her lack of validation for my
career was the greatest validation for my career.
Speaker 6 (41:31):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (41:33):
Great, but I think it's a cute saying.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
And again going back to the men point, I think
a lot of men like we want our partners to
be like front row. We want them to be the cheerleader,
like we've we've got that culture. And I'm not saying
that my wife isn't my cheerleader that, but I'm saying,
your wife's cheerleading your character, not your career. That's better
because the career is up and down, Like the career
is going to do whatever it's going to do, But
(41:57):
your characters who you are, Like, what do you want
to be loved? Do you want to be loved for
the amount of followers you have, or do you want
to be loved for who you are and how you
show up and what she believes you represent. And so
I think it's genuinely be laughing about it and it
can't have funny connotations, but I want to clarify, Like
the point is, I think we all want to be
loved for who we are and not loved for what
(42:17):
we achieve.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
I did start listening to your podcast last year.
Speaker 8 (42:22):
That's guys, are hilarious.
Speaker 6 (42:27):
I love this.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
I love that your your voice was cracking, like.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
The stop stopping.
Speaker 4 (42:39):
I can see Likee's eyes starting welling out the two
of you.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
It's awesome.
Speaker 5 (42:43):
There are a great lesson in the languages of love
and acknowledging that that you know that we all love
different ways and we receive love differently, And the ongoing
challenge is to find the love language of your partners,
or your your children or your work, you know, because
and what I keep hearing is that you all do
(43:06):
that you all kind of ask of what language does
Roddy speak and show love of what language does Jay speak?
And then how can I show them love in my language?
And I just think that's such a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Speaker 9 (43:21):
Thank you for joining us. If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share,
and follow us on at my Legacy movement on social
media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday. At its core.
This podcast honors doctor King's vision of the beloved community
and the power of connection. A Legacy Plus studio production
(43:42):
distributed by iHeartMedia creator and executive producer Suzanne Hayward Come
executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen on the iHeartRadio app or
wherever you get your podcasts.
Radi's never let me define my self worth based on
my success. So when I first started to experience success,
Radi didn't celebrate it in the way I wanted her to, and.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I would want.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Look, I'd wanted my wife to be my number one
fan and my biggest cheerleader, and she wasn't for my career.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
But I had to realize if I.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Skewed my perspective, she was for who I was, So
if it came to my character, that's what she was
back in.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I think we all want to be loved for who
we are and not love for what we achieved.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I did start listening to a podcast last year.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
There I mean.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Welcome to My Legacy Podcast, where we explore what it
truly means to create a living legacy through our actions,
our choices, and the way we show up for others
every day. Ronor to be joined by Jay Shetty, global
best selling author and purpose driven entrepreneur who's wisdom on love, mindfulness,
and personal transformation has reached millions through his number one
(01:06):
podcast on Purpose Now. Of course, what makes my Legacy
Podcast unique is we don't just hear from extraordinary individuals.
We hear from their life partners, their friends, the people
who know them best. And we're beyond lucky because Jay
is joined today by his incredible wife, Roddy de Vlukiya.
(01:29):
She is a nutritionist. She is a best selling author
of joy Full. She is the host of her own podcast,
A Really Good Cry. I love that title. She's a
powerful force for wellness, for conscious living and for joyful cooking.
Welcome to you both.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Yeah, I'm so grateful to be back with you and
reunited with all of you. Thank you so much for
having us. We're so honored and so grateful. Truly, it
was such a wonderful to be in your presence a
year ago now is it even longer?
Speaker 5 (02:00):
It was about a year ago, about a year ago.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So wonderful to be reunited. And I wish you were
meeting Rady in person too. Why we'll settle for this.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
We must do dinner when we're all on the same
coast again.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
We would love that absolutely, yes, yes, yes, well, Jay,
on that note, because we want to know you over
well gosh, probably a decade now, but we don't know
Rady as well. So if I can put you on
the spot. The two of you have created this incredible
relationship based on conscious living, on Purpose, on Joy. So
how did you first meet this incredible woman and how
(02:35):
did you know that she was your person?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
So the interesting thing is the first episode of my
podcast On Purpose Ever, was me and Rady telling this
story together. And I always wanted to start the show
at a really authentic, genuine, conscious place, and I thought,
why not do it with the person who knows me
best and knows me most deeply. And so the long story,
short version is I was in my final year of
(03:03):
college and I knew that I was going to become
a monk after I graduated, and I would go to
my local temple to serve and assist on the weekends
just to stay out of trouble. And when I was
doing that service, I was asked to show a woman
around who was around my mom's age, with different chores
and different practices at the temple. I'd never been asked
(03:25):
to do this before. This was the first time I
showed her around. She was very sweet, and then at
the end of it, she said to me, I have
a daughter that I'd love to introduce to spirituality and meditation.
And I said, well, I'm going to become a monk,
so I can introduce her to my younger sister who's
also involved in the community.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
And why don't you bring her in?
Speaker 1 (03:44):
And so you know, that week she brought her in
and it happened to be my wife's mom, and Raley
was her daughter who came in, and I introduced Radi
and my sister, and I remember seeing Rally and thinking
she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and
I thought, no, no.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
No, focus, focus, focus to.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Become a monk, and so I kind of like shut
it out.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And then when I came back from the monastery, Radi
and my sister had become best friends, and so my
sister was our matchmakers. So that's how we met, and
then how I knew she was the one.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You know, it's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Someone asked me this question recently, and I think I
gave at least what I believe to be a truthful
and honest answer, and is that I don't know if
you ever know.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I think you.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Commit and invest to building something together, and you know,
because the other person also wants to commit and build
and invest in you, and that's what makes them the one.
And I really believe that it's quite naive to think
when you meet someone, or when you move in with someone,
or when you marry someone, that this is going to
be the person you're with for three or four or
(04:50):
five decades in today's world. And so for me, I
know that Radi's the one because she invests every day
today more than even when we start. And that's something
that I can only discover today, and I couldn't have
known twelve years ago when we first got together, and
nine years ago when we got married, I couldn't have
possibly known that. And so I hope that freeze people
(05:13):
up from this pressure and expectation that I've got to
find this person on day one and know that they're
going to be perfect and the person. When I probably
would have said that twelve years ago if you asked me, like,
I found the one, I know it now when I
look back, I'm like, no, I'm lucky. She's proved me right,
but she very easily could have proved me wrong. And
so I'm very grateful that she's, you know, stood by
(05:34):
me through so many ups and downs and so many
incredible journeys that we've been on.
Speaker 5 (05:38):
So roddy, I'm very very curious. So you're at a
temple and you see this wonderful human being that was
training to be a monk. At what was going through
your mind when you first when you first met him.
Speaker 6 (05:57):
That's a really good question. You know, I he was
in like, he was in white robes at the time.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Weren't you. Yeah, he was training to be a monk.
He was in white robes. He knew my mom. It
was like a very odd situation.
Speaker 6 (06:10):
My mom was introducing us, and so when I saw him,
it was it was interesting because he had like tattoos
in monk clothes, was a very like well spoken person,
where normally, in my mind, a monk was someone who
was from India and I, you know, usually would have
to speak to them in another language. And so it
was kind of changing a lot of narratives in my
mind of what I expected to see when my mom
(06:30):
was like, oh, I want to introduce you to this monk,
so I think I was readjusting to my expectations. And
then I mean I started going to his classes and
hearing him speak about spirituality, and honestly, I think I
felt in awe of him through watching him in those
spaces and in the community, and you know, I ended
up being an observer of him rather than a friend
(06:53):
at the beginning, because we didn't really have a friendship
or a relationship at all when we first met. So
it was quite nice seeing him in his own environment
doing something that he loved. And so at first it
was almost like he had He felt like a teacher
and a guide more than he felt like someone that
I was thinking I could be with. But then when
I became friends with his sister and she kept telling
(07:13):
me all these amazing things about him.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I was like, Oh, he's so sweet and they have.
Speaker 6 (07:17):
The sweetest relationship he you know, he is like a
father figure to her, and she loves him so much.
And I thought, well, someone who's got that relationship with
their sister, and usually your sibling has the best and
worst things to say about you. And she just loved
him so much. And so there was moments where you know,
I kept saying to I was like, you know, I
(07:37):
think every like your brother, and she was like, you can't.
He's going to be a monk for the rest of
his life. I leave him alone. She was like, I
need you to leave him, please, Yeah, please, I'm just
telling you he wants to be a monk.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Forever.
Speaker 6 (07:48):
So yeah, I kind of gave up on that idea.
And so as soon as he came out from being
a monk and we got to know each other, we
both just realized how how right we ended up being
about each other, as he said, And it was a
nice surprise because it could have gone both ways.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
You know, I love that she said fell in awe
rather than fell in love. I don't think I've ever
really heard that way. That's a beautiful yes, yes, fell
in awe.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Well, the one thing she left out was that she
usually tells a bit like you didn't you didn't clarify
that actually when we first met, you just didn't notice me,
and I didn't like, just yeah, well, no I.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Did notice you.
Speaker 6 (08:24):
I just wasn't like it wasn't like my mom saying, hey,
here's someone for you to meet in that way, Hey,
here's a monk from him.
Speaker 5 (08:33):
Here's a monk. Every great journey begins with the foundation
that we come from the people who raised us, those
who you know, sewed into us, the people who believed
in us. So, Jay, who were the most influential people
in your life in your childhood, and what would you say,
(08:56):
are some of the biggest lessons that they passed on
to you.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
That's such an interesting question. I feel I was very,
very fortunate that the most influential people in my life
became people I discovered through autobiographies and biographies. So and
that's because I think I was the eldest and I
kind of was a bit rebellious, so I didn't really
(09:23):
fit in, and I don't think I was getting that
much great advice from my family or extended family. And
I fell in love with I mean, you know, I
think I mentioned this to you when we first met.
I fell in love with the writings of doctor Martin
Luther King. I fell in love with Malcolm X. I
fell in love with Dune the Rock Johnson and David Beckham.
So my reading my reading spectrum was fairly wide, but
(09:47):
I was reading the biographies and autobiographies and writings of
all of these individuals. And so there were pop culture
icons like David Beckham and Draine the Rock Johnson, and
then these incredible historical figures to me in Martin Luther
King and in in Malcolm X. And that really truly
became the basis of the advice in my life. I
really really believed that I associated with these people through
(10:10):
their writing. I really believed that they became my wise advisors,
they became my board of directors, and they became the
people that I turned to in times of difficulty because
they'd been through so much, so much more than i'd
ever even have to fathom going through, and so there
felt to be an incredible strength in that. And I
(10:31):
think because my dad was fairly aloof and disconnected from
me when I was young, it really gave me a
freedom to look for that. And now I look back,
and I didn't know this then, but I assume I
was looking for male role models at the time, more
people that I could hold onto. So it's no surprise
that all the books I was reading were men. And
at the same time, my monk teachers, who I really
(10:52):
do see as father figures to me as well, have
become incredible pillars in my life. And I'm really grateful
to my dad for them. You know, I think a
lot of people may feel that if their parents are
slightly disconnected or aloof, it can be a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
For me, it was great.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I got to become the man I wanted to be.
I got to build an image of who I wanted
to be, and I got to choose the people that
I really aspired to learn from and gain from and
gain insight from, and so those individuals, whether it was
reading about how David Beckham on a Friday night would
tie a car tire in the top hand corner of
(11:28):
a goalpost and practice taking free kicks while all his
friends were out drinking and partying and all the rest
of it, or whether it was talking about Drained the
Rock Johnson's challenges with depression and finding himself, or whether,
of course it was the incredible work of Martin Luther
King and Malcolm X. It was just fascinating to gain
insight from what I believe to be some of the
(11:49):
most powerful, incredible and beautiful people who walked the earth.
Speaker 5 (11:54):
That's so amazing, and it resonates so deeply with me
because you all know how much I love reading. I'm
a I love love reading. And I don't know if
we talked about this Jay when we were together, but
when I was a little girl in elementary school, I
spent a lot of time in the library of my
school and I read. I mean I went through almost
(12:15):
the entire autobiography and biography section of my school. I
got special awards for that, so I really resonate with that,
Like you know, taking bits and pieces of I always
found inspiration in people's stories.
Speaker 4 (12:28):
We can testify to this because you two haven't, I
don't think yet been to the King's House. We got
to make this happen though. But you got the amazing
shoe closet that's full of books.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Books.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I love it.
Speaker 7 (12:42):
I love it, not just the shoe closet, it's everywhere.
You just kind of walk in and you're goneer knowledge.
You don't even have to open.
Speaker 5 (12:53):
Although Martin hates traveling with me and with the with
my with my book back.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
It's just a heavy lift. That's so true.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
When we moved to New York nine years ago, I
had one suit I only had like two suitcases with me,
and one of them was full of clothes and things
like that, and the other one was completely full of books. Yes,
and that's that's how we traveled. And I was like, no,
I can't leave these behind. And I'm still into physical books.
I'm not a fan of digital books.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
To talk, you're not both and Radi. You said that
your family's journey from being refugees to building a new
life shape the way that you see the world. What
lesson from your upbringing would you say continues to guide
you today?
Speaker 3 (13:42):
So many things.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
My you know, my grandma was born and raised in
India and then moved to Uganda when she got married
to my granddad, and from there she then became a
refugee when she came into Scotland with absolutely nothing. They
coudn't bring anything with them. And it was so interesting
because even from the moment that I like my first
(14:04):
memory of my grandma has been she has spent her
whole life just in service to family, to community, whether
it was in the refugee camp. She was one of
the first people to start cooking in the kitchen for
the community because they went used to eating the food
from from the UK. They wanted to eat food that
was part of their culture. And so my grandma got
in the kitchen and she was cooking for everyone. Even
(14:25):
when she had nothing, she was still doing things for
other people. And so I think that's been a thread
of all I've seen her do and not ever have
I seen a moment of resentment through doing it. And
you know, I always think about, you know, you're doing
too much or beyond your capacity when you start becoming
resentful or feeling like you deserve something back for doing
(14:47):
what you've been doing. But my grandma I've never seen.
She's ninety one now and she is still the most joyful, content,
like self content human that I've met. And I honestly
think it's because she gave with zero expectation throughout her life,
and certain situations put her into a into a moment
where she had to do that whether she wanted to
(15:07):
or not, but it became part of her. And so
I think that watching her has wanted like has made
me want to do the same for people around me.
And you know, also her deep spiritual practice, Like my
grandma speaks to God more than she speaks to humans,
and I don't say that lightly. She spends more hours
of her day in prayer speaking to God than she
(15:29):
does actually interacting with humans, at least for the past
ten years that I've seen. She wakes up in the
morning at like three point thirty in the morning, She's
praying till nine am. She's then back in prayer by
two pm till three o'clock, back in prayer again from
six pm till eight pm, and then again in the
evening before she goes to bed, And so I think
(15:51):
you can only really give that two people when you've,
when you've given yourself that deeper connection to God or
the universe, that's empowering you to be able to actually
give to others in that capacity. So those are just
a couple of the things, but yeah, so many things.
And my mum and my dad both emulate that same
nature too.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might tap
that button and stay connected to conversations that can't. Now
back to my legacy.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
You know from my experience it's often the struggles that
define who we are. Many times we know the glory,
but we don't necessarily know the story of the individual.
So Jay, can you share or take us back to
(16:43):
one of the toughest moments in your journey and what
ultimately it taught you.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
It's so interesting, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
When you're asked to think about a tough moment in
your life, you almost just see it as your life,
and so you don't I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I never grew up.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
I only recognize when I got older and I spoke
to people about experiences I went through that they were
tough because up until that point, they were just my
life and they just felt normal, and you kind of
assume everyone's going through those things, and so I think
we all walk around thinking that everyone should understand us
because they went through the same thing. And the truth
is we don't understand each other because we went through
very different things. And until you meet someone who's gone
(17:29):
through something that you can connect with or resonate with,
it's really hard to reconcile it. I think for me,
a big part of it was that I grew up
in a home that I mediated my parents' marriage, and
I would say that that was the most challenging thing
growing up because I didn't wake up to a great environment.
(17:54):
And I think for me that made me who I
am today, and so I have a lot of grat
for that and appreciation for that. But I think a
lot of people see me and the work I do today,
and they often see the marriage I have with my
wife today in our connection and relationship, and it comes
from just having a long list of what not to do.
(18:14):
And so I think often in life you could get
an amazing experience, and when you get that, you should
write down everything you should do, and sometimes you're going
to get a really painful experience, and in that you
should write down everything you should never do. And so
partly what I'm grateful to have today is a list
of what not to do in a relationship. And I'm
(18:36):
very grateful that I got those lessons and those messages
because they allowed me to really be conscious about who
I wanted to be, what I wanted to build, how
I wanted to grow. And so that was very very
early on in my life, and I really believe that today.
The reason why I have the ability to listen to
people and their pain, and why I feel empathetic and
(19:00):
passionate to pretty much all experiences is because I remember
doing that for my parents. I remember listening to my
mom for hours and hearing her challenges and recognizing that
they were real. And I remember listening sitting to my
dad for hours and recognizing his challenges and that they
were real. And what it taught me was to look
(19:22):
beyond the person and find the context to how they
became that way. And I think this is what we
often don't think of. We think, why are you that way?
But we don't ask the question, how did you become
that way? Or what happened to you that that's where
you are today. And I think that's a better question.
And I think when I started to look into the
(19:44):
past of my parents, I started to notice so much
more information and experiences and pain and stress that they'd
been through that had made them that way. And so
I felt very grateful to be loved by both of them,
and to this day feel my mother. It's unconditional love
in the most special way. But being there for both
(20:04):
of them was a really interesting challenge growing up that
it's why I do what I do for a living today,
So I'm not mad about it.
Speaker 8 (20:13):
Well, Jay, we're so inspired by that context of how
you've become such an incredible voice, RADI, I wanted to
ask you a question. You've dedicated so much of your
life to helping others heal. What's a moment in your
life where you've had to heal yourself.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
That's a good question. I feel like I'm healing on
a daily basis.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
But I'd say a place where I felt I needed
the most amount of growth and noticed the most amount
of growth was when me and j first got married.
We moved to New York, and it was the first
time i'd really moved away from family, moved away from home,
moved to a place where I pretty much knew nobody
and we were starting from scratch, and I grew up
(20:54):
as the youngest child where most things were done for me.
I was whether it was like me doing my homework late,
my sister would stay up late and help me, whether
any part any decision I would make, my mum would
help me make it. You know, I really wasn't used
to doing things for myself or by myself, and so
when we moved to New York, I also had been
(21:16):
studying for a long time, only to move a jay
to have a spouse visa where I couldn't work, And
so I found myself in a weird position of just
feeling lost and having to get to know myself in
ways that I never had before. I was able to
hide behind the work I did, or my family or
the community I was part of, and all of that
was kind of stripped away from me to only come
(21:36):
to realize I absolutely did not know myself at all.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I didn't know how.
Speaker 6 (21:40):
To choose colors of things that I liked. I didn't
know how to make decisions for myself. I didn't know
whether I wanted something or didn't, And so it became
this journey that of just starting to learn about who
I actually was, Like I grew up just thinking I
wanted what my family wanted, or I I liked what
(22:01):
my sister liked, because I didn't spend the time to
really get to know what my wants or needs were.
And so I spent a lot of my time in
New York walking around well one crying over crying down
the streets, which seemed really normal in New York, no
one seemed to careful, and then having to do some
seriously deep work of figuring out what is it that
(22:22):
I like and dislike and want in my life. And
so I'd say that took a lot of healing because
I had to also unlearn things that I had I
thought that I knew about myself based on other people,
and I had to realize that those were all views
from others and perceptions of others that I had to
(22:43):
step away from because maybe I didn't want that narrative
of myself and I wanted to create a new one.
So yeah, they say that was probably the time I've
had to heal the most.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
That's beautiful. It's interesting too, because so we have an
eldest child married to a younger child. Yes, exactly, you're
making it work. And as I'm hearing your idea, I
think that obviously all of our stories are so unique,
but I do think that that what you just shared
(23:15):
is so indicative to a lot of women as well,
you know, kind of finding our voices, finding what it
is that are, you know, aligning to our desires, and
then honoring our desires. And so I think that that
was a beautiful share, and I think that so many
women in particular can find themselves within that story.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
No, I was just thinking about you know, I think
we go through this ebb and flow of being lost
and found regularly. And I always used to think that
you just once you figure out what you want to
do or who you.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Are, is just an upward trajectory.
Speaker 6 (23:49):
But I realized that you end up, you know, when
you end up realizing that being lost is part of
life's journey, Like you're always going to feel a little
bit lost as you go along life because experience has happened,
things happen that you don't expect to. You realize that
it's actually part of it. It's not an obscure thing
that only you are going through, because I feel like
I've gone through moments of feeling really found and understood
(24:12):
to only feel really lost again. And then I feel
really in my purpose and in my power, and then I.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Feel lost again.
Speaker 6 (24:18):
And so I think that ebb and flow is something
that we have to realize is actually just part of it.
I don't think it is. I don't think it's the exception.
I think it is actually the rule of life, and
it's part and partil of it.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Yes, I love that.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
I think also that's almost the progress as it relates
to humanity in a way. I think we all we
think that progress is linear, but it really is. It
is more in the ebbs and flow and keeping hold
to that vision and that the dream that's inside of you. So, okay,
(24:54):
we know the challenges of working with your your partner.
Speaker 8 (25:02):
There's challenges.
Speaker 6 (25:06):
It's wonderful right now, Like it's so wonderful all the
time every day.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
How do you all navigate through through those challenges?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
How do we deal with working with each other?
Speaker 4 (25:23):
I noticed, very wisely the questions.
Speaker 6 (25:27):
He's like, let me see what she saystive, I would say,
you know, the good thing is we both have extremely
different skill sets, Like we are very different humans. And
so what what's great in that sense is Jay handles
a lot of the things that I don't want to
(25:49):
or don't have the skills to. I would say, like,
he's really good at the business side of things, and
I really enjoy the creative side of things.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
And so especially for.
Speaker 6 (25:59):
The main part we work on together is Junie, our
tea company, and so he does a lot of the
business management calls.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Is that what you'd call it?
Speaker 6 (26:08):
Sure, like the finance stuff and what else would you
call it?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Strategic?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
The strategic stuff, Yeah, And I really liked doing the creative,
working with the team to do events and building the brands,
the flavors of yeah, the flavors, the intricacies behind what
we actually put into the product. And so honestly, we're
not often on the same cause and so we do
(26:36):
work together, but I wouldn't say.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've only ever the only thing we've
ever done together work wise is our tea company, Juni,
and that was really exciting because that was something that
we shared in common. We both wanted to drink drinks
that didn't have sugar, so we wanted to build a
zero gram sugar drink. We wanted something with low calories,
so only as five calories. We wanted something that was
(27:04):
filled with ashwagandha and rishi mushroom and all these things
that we know we should be taking, and so that's
why we focused on that. But the reason why it
is easy to work on it together is because we
founded the company many years into our marriage, and I
think by then we have a good understanding of each
other's strengths and weaknesses, and we have a lot of trust.
So I know, if Radi's on a call about flavor profiles,
(27:28):
I know she understands flavor profiles far better than I
ever would. My palette is really basic. Right before I
met her, I had no idea what any of these
incredible herbs and plant extracts and adaptations are. And so
her level of knowledge in that field is something I
can trust. It's something I would back, it's something I
feel very confident in, and thankfully she feels that way
(27:49):
about me and my strength, and so I think that's
why it works for us. I don't think I could.
I think I'd find it hard if we had similar
skill sets and we were constantly debating and figuring it out.
I quite like the dividing conquers who works well.
Speaker 8 (28:03):
Well, we love your tea company, we love your t brand.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Jay.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
In your international best selling book Eight Rules of Love,
you talk about what it takes to nurture a relationship.
Can you give us one or two of your top
suggestions on how you can continuously strengthen bonds between couples?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Should be asking all of you this, but I'll try
my best. I'm sure there's a lot more wisdom on
that side of the table. So I feel underqualified, but
I would say one of my favorite ones is I
have a chapter in the book called your partner is
your Guru. And what I mean by that is that
(28:43):
not that they're an authoritative, judgmental, dictatorial individual, because that's
not what a guru is. A guru is someone who's
dedicated to your growth, who's committed to helping you find
your path, and who's while.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
You do it.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
That's actually what a guru is, especially in the Eastern traditions.
And one of my favorite things about that is that
your partner is really a mirror. And the challenge we
have in relationships is that the right partner holds up
the mirror in a non judgmental way. But we're so
convinced that the mirror is broken because we don't like
(29:24):
what we see that we reject them. So we reject
the one person who actually has the ability to help
us grow. And so Radi has been completely non judgmental, empathetic,
and compassionate about my health journey. When I met Radi,
I was addicted to sugar, I ate a lot of
fried food. I was fairly unhealthy physically, and because I
(29:47):
had a strong mind and meditated daily and felt like
I'd got somewhere with that journey, I felt like my
body almost didn't matter. I almost felt like it was
an afterthought. And she didn't teach me by telling me
I was wrong and that I was wasting time, that
I was being lazy, and that I should work out more,
because none of those things would have helped me, because
my ego would have come to my defense and been
(30:10):
a shield and pushed back, and I would have been
affected by that like I think we all are. Instead,
she set the example. She's worked out every day i've
known her, She's eaten a clean diet, she's always cooked
healthy food. She encouraged me and educated me in the
challenges of how I was living without making me feel
bad about them, and she's been my guru for my
(30:30):
health and so to me, when your partners your guru,
and you allow your partner to teach you in a
non judgmental, non confrontational, non finger pointing way, that is
the person who can help you grow. There's no one
on planet Earth who could make you a better human
being than the person you spend the most time with,
(30:51):
so that your partners your guru is probably one of them.
And I think you said a couple. I would add
that the problem is we often want our partners to change,
but what we don't have is the patience that it
takes to watch them change. And we also want them
to change into the people we want them to be,
(31:12):
not the people that they want them to be. We
see their potential and we say you must rise to this.
We see the possibility and we say you must reach this.
We see the result for them that we've projected, and
we say, if you don't get to this, you've failed.
And never have we asked them, who do you want
(31:33):
to be? How do you want to live your life?
What are you trying to accomplish? And it's really interesting
to me that we believe, just because we want to
invest in them, that that care is greater than their ambition.
And I think we work so hard we want to
be their savior. We want to be the person to
(31:56):
solve all their problems, we want to be the person
who fixed this is everything for them, just to feel
good about ourselves. We don't actually want them to be happy.
We just want to be happy that we're doing something
for them, and so we don't really give them the patience,
the time, the energy to find who they are and
(32:16):
move in that direction for themselves because we want to
feel like we're helping, we're fixing, where I'm here to
solve all your problems, and in that you try to
be the person who saves them, but actually you push
them away. So those would be my two biggest things
that I think if we can, on the first hand,
learn to be a guru that's non judgmental, and on
the second hand, learn to be patient and let people
(32:38):
become who they want to be, not try to make
them who we want them to be.
Speaker 4 (32:42):
I love that on a personal note because I'm going
to own that, and I think a lot of guys
who are husbands need to own that just being radically
transparent because you called it as it is, like it
is this male desire to want to help, to want
to protect and so on. Often it is that instead
that patience that's sitting in it. And I love I
(33:04):
love that phrase. I wrote that down, like, you know,
the idea of supporting who they want to be, asking
them you know who they want to be, and then
supporting them with that patience on that journey, not wanting
to help even though it comes from a good place,
just giving the space. I just so many husbands out there,
anyone who's listening, who wants to play that clip back
(33:25):
on social media for someone in their life to sit with.
I just want to encourage them to sit with that
for a few minutes. I love the honesty of that advice.
Speaker 8 (33:35):
Well, and the partner is your guru is just so profound.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah, it's changed my life. I didn't know all this
before I got married. I think you figure it out
when you are married, and then you start learning how
much it has to teach you and how much better
you have to become because you love someone. And I
think that's the difference. The right person inspires you to
want to become better, not want to make them better.
Like you know, yeah, I think we're constantly worrying about
oh God, Dan not doing this, and Dan not doing that,
(34:02):
and Dan not doing this, and the right person makes
you look at yourself and go, well, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
So let me start that.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might. We're
sharing real stories, heart won wisdom and unforgettable lessons that
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that button and stay connected to conversations that truly count.
Now back to my legacy.
Speaker 7 (34:29):
This is a very simple thing, but it's very important.
I rarely get sick, and I'm blessed and fortunate. But
a lot of that, in my mind is because every day,
not a day goes by that I'm tree doesn't put
out vitamins from me. Now, I would like to be
That's a simple thing. I'd love to be able to
(34:50):
do that, and I will get there. But that constantly reinforces.
You know, when your partner loves you so much that
they're very concerned about your being healthy, being able to
go out into the world as many of us have
to do. So I want to ask you both, what
simple thing does your partner do to show that they
(35:12):
love you?
Speaker 3 (35:13):
Ah, my gosh, Jason.
Speaker 6 (35:15):
Well, Jason very expressive person, but it's not just the
words that he uses, Like he is someone who will
verbally check in and be like, what can I do
to make you happier? Is it anyway I can help you?
And he says that to me on a regular basis.
So I think one part of it is being vocal
about how you want to be there for your partner,
which I actually wasn't very good at and I'm still
(35:37):
getting better at to actually vocalize it. I've you know,
in my mind, I'm I see myself more of an
active service, which is how I've seen my parents be.
So I'd be like, oh, but in my mind, I've
cooked a meal and I've done this little thing. But
sometimes you realize that actually having those vocal moments are
really important and how much that makes a difference in
a relationship. But then in action, it's like the little
(35:59):
things of you know, even if he's just sat down,
when I've sat down and I need something, he'll get
back up. Like if I won't get back up, he'll
get back up to get it. For me or if
I am feeling.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
You still do it.
Speaker 6 (36:15):
And you know, it's those little things where you just
notice someone going out of their way for you, because
not many people want to go out of their way
for you. And then another one is whenever I'm having
I'm quite an emotional person, and whenever he feels my
energy is a little bit off, he'll always, no matter
what he's got going on, he'll always make space and
time to just check in and be like, do you
need do you need help with anything? Can I sit
(36:36):
with you? I can work through whether it's a work thing,
whether it's a family thing. You know, he always creates
the time and space, no matter how busy, to have
those moments of connection if he feels like I really
need it.
Speaker 3 (36:46):
And so, I mean I could probably go on, but
I'll leave it that. There's are a couple of them.
Speaker 6 (36:51):
But yeah, there's so many different ways he expresses himself.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Actually, Jay, Yeah, so many as well. I think. Me
the biggest one is.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I think when we first got married and we moved
to New York and then we were kind of there
for a couple of years, then moving to LA and
we've just been through so much change and change that
wasn't anticipated or expected so change that. We both had
planned to live our whole lives fifteen minutes from our
local temple in England and five minutes away from Radi's
(37:25):
parents home, and actually that was one of her requirements
for us getting married, was that she could be a
one mile radius away from her parents' home and I'd
commit to that, and I genuinely had committed to that.
It was something that I thought was very real. All
of our friends are in that area, families in that area.
It made sense. And then all of a sudden, my
(37:48):
career took a turn in twenty sixteen when this part
of my life started to grow and it's continued to
for the nine years, thankfully. And if I'm completely honest,
that was completely not part of the plan, not my plan,
not her plan, not our plan, but it was what
I couldn't even have dreamed of. And not once in
(38:10):
the last nine years has Radi ever said to me,
look what I gave up for you. And oh God,
I could cry saying this, but it's one of those things.
It's like, I know how much her parents mean to her,
no much her family friends mean to her. I know
how much London means to her and for her to
(38:30):
move away, for her to give that up when we
didn't have clarity, like, you know, we're very fortunate today
to have a wonderful life, but getting here wasn't easy.
I was away a lot, I traveled a lot for work,
I was building things, moving around. And never once did
she say, I gave this all up for you.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
You're never around. You work too hard.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
And I think that kind of trust without nagging, without
making someone feel bad, when I was already carrying the
burden of it myself. And I think that's the feeling
that makes you feel loved where you're like I was
already feeling that way myself. So if she would have
said it to me, it probably would have broken me.
(39:16):
But the fact that she didn't feel that she had
to say it to me makes me feel loved. So
not blaming, not shaming, not pushing, not prodding is is.
It feels like a small thing, but actually it's huge.
And even at the most difficult times in our life,
whether we were financially struggling, you know, struggling with moving, changing,
(39:41):
whatever things were going on in our life, every time
I'd update her on what would happen. She'd always say,
I trust you, and hearing your partner say that when
you don't even know what's going to happen next is
the greatest sign of love. And so and and you know,
she radly decided to date me and commit to a
(40:01):
relationship with me when I had nothing to offer about myself,
And so that's a pretty big thing. She could have
married anyone she wanted to marry. And so her decision
to be with someone who didn't have a even a
secure job when we first started dating, and you know,
someone who'd been in the monastery for three years and
didn't have any sort of savings or any sort of plan,
(40:24):
I think it shows her character and her ability to
you know, go beyond material things. And the more recent one,
I mean, I could go on as well. I think
the more recently.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Don't need to get one.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Raddi's never let me define my self worth based on
my success. So when I first started to experience success,
Raddi didn't celebrate it in the way I wanted her to,
and I would want Look, I'd wanted my wife to
be my number one fan and my biggest cheerleader, and
(40:59):
she was a for my career. But I had to
realize if I skewed my perspective, she was for who
I was. So if it came to my character, that's
what she was backing. She wasn't backing me because of
my career, and that took me. That helped me detach
from valuing myself based on the success of my career
because I think that's what I would have done and
(41:21):
what I would have wanted if she had fallen in
that way. And so her lack of validation for my
career was the greatest validation for my career.
Speaker 6 (41:31):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (41:33):
Great, but I think it's a cute saying.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
And again going back to the men point, I think
a lot of men like we want our partners to
be like front row. We want them to be the cheerleader,
like we've we've got that culture. And I'm not saying
that my wife isn't my cheerleader that, but I'm saying,
your wife's cheerleading your character, not your career. That's better
because the career is up and down, Like the career
is going to do whatever it's going to do, But
(41:57):
your characters who you are, Like, what do you want
to be loved? Do you want to be loved for
the amount of followers you have, or do you want
to be loved for who you are and how you
show up and what she believes you represent. And so
I think it's genuinely be laughing about it and it
can't have funny connotations, but I want to clarify, Like
the point is, I think we all want to be
loved for who we are and not loved for what
(42:17):
we achieve.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
I did start listening to your podcast last year.
Speaker 8 (42:22):
That's guys, are hilarious.
Speaker 6 (42:27):
I love this.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
I love that your your voice was cracking, like.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
The stop stopping.
Speaker 4 (42:39):
I can see Likee's eyes starting welling out the two
of you.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
It's awesome.
Speaker 5 (42:43):
There are a great lesson in the languages of love
and acknowledging that that you know that we all love
different ways and we receive love differently, And the ongoing
challenge is to find the love language of your partners,
or your your children or your work, you know, because
and what I keep hearing is that you all do
(43:06):
that you all kind of ask of what language does
Roddy speak and show love of what language does Jay speak?
And then how can I show them love in my language?
And I just think that's such a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Speaker 9 (43:21):
Thank you for joining us. If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share,
and follow us on at my Legacy movement on social
media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday. At its core.
This podcast honors doctor King's vision of the beloved community
and the power of connection. A Legacy Plus studio production
(43:42):
distributed by iHeartMedia creator and executive producer Suzanne Hayward Come
executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen on the iHeartRadio app or
wherever you get your podcasts.
Hosts And Creators
Craig Kielburger
Marc Kielburger
Martin Luther King III
Arndrea Waters King
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