November 28, 2025 • 34 mins
On this week’s MiniPod, hosts Tiffany Cross, Angela Rye, Andrew Gillum, and Bakari Sellers talk about navigating family dynamics.
Whether it’s in the family group chat when it pops off, or around the table at Thanksgiving, family dynamics can get… tricky. Our hosts share stories and strategies for “family beef.”
If you’d like to submit a question, check out our tutorial video: http://www.instagram.com/reel/C5j_oBXLIg0/ and send to @nativelandpod.
Welcome home y’all!
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Watch full episodes of Native Land Pod here on YouTube.
Native Land Pod is brought to you by Reasoned Choice Media.
Thank you to the Native Land Pod team:
Angela Rye as host, executive producer, and cofounder of Reasoned Choice Media; Tiffany Cross as host and producer, Andrew Gillum as host and producer, Bakari Sellers as host and producer, and Lauren Hansen as executive producer; LoLo Mychael is our research producer, and Nikolas Harter is our editor and producer. Special thanks to Chris Morrow and Lenard McKelvey, co-founders of Reasoned Choice Media.
Theme music created by Daniel Laurent.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Native Lampard is a production of iHeart Radio in partnership
with Reason Choice Media.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
What's Up, Princessful?
Speaker 3 (00:08):
She got a stomach out? Look at it?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Just oh, we got a little mid drift.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm almost done, Okay, I love you. I tried.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
One of the things that I tried to do in
my life is not have beef with six year olds.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
But I'm not always successful. Welcome to y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Welcome home, y'all supposed to say, welcome home.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Jesus, I gotta help you, y'all just saw.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
We just had a special cameo from Sadie Ellen Sellers
and she is going to be seven in January, along
with her brother. You may hear them in the background
because we out of school on this Thanksgiving week, but
we are enjoying every bit of it. And shout out
to the Nutcracker. I hope some of y'all are going
to get a chance to see friends and family in
special shows. But Angela had a unique she wanted to
(00:53):
talk about, So I'm gonna let you bring it in
because you described it so well.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
So all of us have siblings, and I think I
at least have a ton of cousins too. And so
we spend our holidays all together. As you all know,
we've spent a lot of time trafficking and internet beef.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Some that we requested, some we.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
Didn't ask for, but some if we can't escape. Always
during the holidays, there's.
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Some family beef.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
So I want to talk about conflict resolution on the
other side of Thanksgiving and wondering how y'all navigated through
some of the trials and tribulations of cousin beef, sibling beef,
and all things in between. Did you get in trouble
for making the macaroni and cheese bad? Did you get
in trouble for putting marshmallows on top of the camps?
Did you get in trouble for some age oh beef
(01:40):
that we don't know about. I want to hear about it.
I want to hear about how y'all have resolved conflict
with plant family.
Speaker 5 (01:46):
I got some that's not quite resolved.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
I'm talking about that too.
Speaker 6 (01:51):
And you're talking about like light hearted beef, and there's
like heavy beef that happens, and it depends on how
you perceive its like heavy beef for some people. As
you renigged back in nineteen ninety eight. You said you
ain't have no clubs spoken in decades.
Speaker 7 (02:06):
You know.
Speaker 8 (02:07):
Yeah, marriages break up.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Over when like and your your cousin female dance too
close to your new husband. Oh, y'all, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
They already knew, they already knew each other.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Andrew not, Well, I don't know what don't.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
That's why you got it. That's why you gotta get
your card.
Speaker 8 (02:25):
You got to get your Thanksgiving.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
I want to hear about this.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But we all together now, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yeah, but that's why you gotta have it was a beef.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
No that sounds let's get let's start light up.
Speaker 8 (02:39):
Okay, Well.
Speaker 6 (02:42):
I don't really I don't spend the holidays with my family,
so I don't really have like and it's not like
family beef.
Speaker 8 (02:48):
It's just we all choose our piece.
Speaker 6 (02:52):
So and we're recording. We're recording this early. So for Thanksgiving,
these people don't know. But for Thanksgiving, I may be
a Tamern's house because I'll be in New York. I'm
either go go to Tammer's house in Sunny's house, or
I might take the train back to DC and be
at my friend's house. But I really don't because I'm
you know, usually with like chosen family. I don't really
have beef around the holidays, but I do like to
talk a.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Lot of.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I don't have beef. And the reason I don't have
beef is because I am affectionately calling myself a human
gas lighter. I am the person who you want to
have beef with. And then I just withdraw from communication.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Because I don't. I don't care.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I can't do all of that and the family group
chats as soon as the beef pop off. You see,
Bacari left the conversation in the middle.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Of family group chats or prayers.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
You really don't.
Speaker 8 (03:36):
Hold on real quick like you or do you just ignore?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah? I mean, if y'all piss me off, I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
I will leave a group chat in a heartbeat because
I want you to the part of the gas lighting
is you have to see the little line at the
bottom that says Macari, seller's left the.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Conversation, left the chat.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
So it's not just like this, Well, can you tell
us what happens the last time you did?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
So, just as a just I am about to tell
the truth, just as a One of the things people
will never say about me is I lie, but as
a part of a larger thing. I believe that a
relationships go both ways. And I hate to be in
a relationship where I just give. That drives me crazy
because I when I just give, I get exhausted. And
(04:24):
then it's like when I give and then somebody comments
on how I give what I give, or if I
gave the right amount of effort, then that is when
I'm about done.
Speaker 5 (04:38):
Give me an example, b Come.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
On, I mean what I mean. No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I take care of my parents, all right, and so
I take care of Gwen and Cleve. They get allowances
I pay for. You know, I'm just calling up No
they with you, Andrew and SKOPI conversation so but you know,
and sometimes you just want people to help shoulder that load.
And it's okay to do it by yourself. But I
(05:08):
don't need critique on how I'm shouldering the load. That's
my only point. I think that's what people don't to
whom given, to whom much is given.
Speaker 6 (05:16):
You got three people on this side of the screen,
like handler. If y'all listening to Angelo point.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Ellen is one of the most special people I'll ever
meet because one of the things that that happened when
we got married. Is I married a really really good partner.
I married and she hates when I say this. I
married it because I saw she was going to be
a good mother because we had a bonus child, so
that's always But I found out she's a really really
good partner. So she helps me shoulder that load and
tries to get me reintegrated with with friends and family
(05:45):
who otherwise, you know, I am okay not having conversations
with people. I am just fine without. Do I miss
it sometimes?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Hell?
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Does it drive me crazy sometimes?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Do I worry about getting into heaven? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But I'm also going to make sure that I have
my peace of mind because I ain't gonna let y'all
mess up my holidays. Ain't that much weed in the world.
Speaker 4 (06:04):
You know, not with the red cup entering the conversation too, Tip,
it's five am somewhere. Now here's the thing that, here's
the thing why I pointed at the screen, Tip, and
I know you can relate to it too, because one
of the things we talked about, I think last week
is in my call to action around caretaking. And what
(06:25):
I think is so interesting about this moment is how
care can turn into conflict. Care can turn into the battle,
because what you don't always realize is in caretaking knowing
that it is your responsibility and sometimes joyful in your pleasure.
Right when people have something to say about what you
(06:45):
didn't do or how you're doing it, that is remarkably frustrating.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
And I want to give y'all.
Speaker 4 (06:51):
I wasn't even gonna get into this because I didn't
think about it.
Speaker 5 (06:53):
But when be just brought this up.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
You know, last week, my mom was in the hospital
after having a fall we talked about and she had
to be transferred to a rehab facility. Well, I'm one
visiting all these rehab facilities. Ain't nobody going with me, Daddy, no, Shaye.
But I went by myself and my dad was he
had a call so he couldn't go. So, you guys,
by the third one I went to, I'm in the
car sobbing because I'm like, I can't put my mom
(07:18):
in any of these places, right, I'm like, she will
look at me like, and you got me confused, you
know what I mean, I'm not going. Yeah, And so
I was like, what am I gonna do? So I'm
literally like text pleading with the place where I want
her to go. Thankfully, you know, spoiler alert, she ends
up there. But like I got people in the family
text but to me like did you get her in yet?
Speaker 5 (07:38):
It hasn't happened yet, Like and I'm like, did you?
I'm sorry, did you make a call?
Speaker 4 (07:43):
And I'm feeling tender about it cause I'm like nobody's helping.
I'm looking at the board members to see who I
can reach out to to get my mom in the
facility that is preferred, you know.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
But it's frustrating when it's not even critique.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I won't even say critique, it's it is the quiet
resentment by the way that I'll feel from carrying what
I believe is my responsibility. But it would still be
nice if somebody just was like, hey, do you need
any support here? So I end up getting mad over
something I never even expressed to anyone, right, but I
just feel it.
Speaker 5 (08:14):
I see you not intip.
Speaker 8 (08:16):
Can I ask, though? Can I ask.
Speaker 6 (08:20):
If someone in your family had tried to be just
as invested as you just invested in calling, would they
have the space to do that?
Speaker 8 (08:29):
Or would you say, like.
Speaker 6 (08:31):
Do you want to be the person who's handling it
like if your cousin or your sibling, or you have
like siblings that you grew up with or cousins who
you grew up.
Speaker 8 (08:41):
With as siblings.
Speaker 6 (08:42):
So if they jumped in and they were like, okay,
I'm gonna call these three, are are they going to
get the antelip It's like, oh.
Speaker 8 (08:48):
Thank you so much for shouldering it's with me or the.
Speaker 6 (08:51):
Antelopus, Like, well, I'll do it because I know my
mom and I know how I wanted and did you
ask this and did you ask that? And did you
do it the right way? And so maybe they might
feel like I'm not going to intervene are you reception?
Speaker 5 (09:02):
Very much?
Speaker 4 (09:02):
So, in fact, the only difference I would say, though
my standards here are my moms. I was very careful
to ask my mom what does she want? I'm like, Mom,
here are the things that I'm thinking through. Does this
align with what you want? I'm operating strictly off what
she wants right like she is she Thank God, she
has her right mind. She can make these decisions right Like,
(09:22):
I'm absolutely yielding to that. Now if somebody calls and
it's like, oh, this facility can take her, but hey,
you haven't visited, and you don't have time, I still
got to go.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Check it out, right.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
So if they are like, oh, I'm gonna go, look like,
I know my cousin Me, I know my cousin Mary,
I know my cousin Ronda, ma A Learetta. I was, yeah,
and he has been here to help, you know. Like
so like everybody, they all have the same standards. Now,
I got some other cousins where I might not yield
to you, son, because I.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
Don't know what type of time you want.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
So yes, I think so, But I think what's most frustrating,
and I be quiet here is my brother. My parents
will probably be mad for me saying this, but it's true.
My brother just turned sixty this past Friday. I have
not talked to him in over a year. He did,
in his defense, call my mom recently, but my mom
hasn't talked to him over a year.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
And when she heard his voice on the phone, she
starts crying.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
And I think for me, I was like, damn, I
didn't realize how much this was an open hole for her,
and it's a wound, and so like, I want to
be grateful that he showed up, but I also want
to cuss his ass out because I haven't seen him,
haven't heard from him, he ain't done nothing. It's irritating.
And so for me, like if there was family beef,
well there is family beef. I have beef with him,
bless you to. I have beef with him right now
(10:38):
for how he's moved with my parents. Like he don't
have to talk to me, but I don't like how
he's moving with my parents, and he better not to
Bacari's point, come around, critique and shit right now, because
I will definitely remove myself from that conversation. By the way,
Nick's in the chat saying, Bacary, that's not gaslighting, that's
called stonewalling.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Next, white privilege, White privilege, tell me about.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
My brother.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Nick is my brother. He's getting me through my terrible
technological days. Go ahead, Andrew you over there with you
looking like you're about to run off on one of
your patent at twelve minutes.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You and know you and I both get the same DRUMA.
I'm managing uh three children upstairs, and when they started
getting stompy on the floor, somebody about to push somebody
and whatever. So these are beats, family beasts and ours range.
I mean, honestly, we y'all family group chats are a
lot more active around situations than ours. Ours ours are
(11:43):
prayers usually we have also regular family once a month
prayer calls, h cousins, aunts, my siblings, and I know
we all. I'm one of seven number five of seven,
all boys, and then my baby sister, my little sister, Monique,
(12:03):
And where our drama mostly resides is around these days.
I think my systere Monique has taken on like a
tremendous amount, traveling back and forth from the DMV back
to South Georgia to help out with my mom. And
I've got guilt around the fact that I'm you know,
a few hours away and but just three children and
(12:25):
a partner who works, and I have, you know, things
I got to It's just by the time you look up,
it's like, oh my god, and I'm so sorry my
da da da d And so what I what, I
really appreciate one. I've got siblings that look after me,
and we try to look after each other. We try
not to guilt each other about the time stuff like
who's spending more time with you know whom, and who's
(12:48):
doing the initial outreach to somebody, not a beef, but
I think a reconciliation, and that is I think we
all got to a place because I was kind of
sick of the whole You barely ever call and when
we call you, we can't ever reach you. Were talking
to your assistance or this is that and the third
this is really in a former life, and then in
(13:10):
my new position, it really is like I just don't
be near them and I don't really like to pay
a whole bunch of attention to them. And I think
we all have different kind of chips on the shoulder
with each other about some of those kinds of accessibility things.
And so what we decided was if I reach out
to you, I'm reaching out to you with no I
(13:33):
love to talk to you and I would love to
have a conversation with you, but if I don't reach you,
I don't want you to beat yourself up about trying
to you know, get back to me. Just know that
you were on my heart. I wanted to reach out,
and when you get a minute, I trust that you'll
reach back out and we'll go from there. And I have,
really it feels like a really light lifted load that
(13:55):
you know I'm not feeling the pressure around you sometimes
avoid that call because of how long you have been
able to you know how how much time has passed
since you were able to make the return call. So
the lifting of the pressure. I don't know how how
if all of us are a hundred percent fully committed,
because I got one brother, one of my older brothers,
who seem a little touched still by inaccessibility when they
(14:16):
want you. But but that's helped a lot. It's just like,
how about you take the action because it's in you
to take and have no anticipation for the outcome. Just
just move because you felt so moved, or do because
you feel so do you know to do but you're
not doing it? Because I want you to know that
(14:36):
I call it. I need you to pick up the
fun and call me back to acknowledge that I've called you. Nope,
But when I do get back with you, know that
it's love and I'm here one hundred percent. And if
it's an emergency, I'll drop everything. But if it is
us just checking in this week is a little rough.
I'm gonna push this on Sunday, and please don't have
heat for me for that.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Nobody knows.
Speaker 8 (15:06):
I get that, Andrew. We've talked about that before.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
That's a pet peeve of both of ours, not just
with family, but with anybody. Like if I call you
and the first thing I hear is I've been trying
to call you. I called you eighteen times or whatever,
it's gonna be a real short conversation because my attitude
is like I'm calling you back now, like what's up.
If I didn't call you, it's because I was dealing
with and it could have been that I was busy,
that I was back to back to back to back
(15:29):
to back, or I didn't have the mental capacity to
engage another human being at that, you know, like I
was dealing with all kinds of stuff that I'd never
bring to you, that you don't know about. But now
I found made the time to talk to you. Let's
just be in this moment here. But what I was
struck by what you said. And I think some people
may feel this way during the holidays, that sometimes you
(15:51):
don't have the desire to to engage, And I wonder
what that reason is. I don't want to, you know,
put you on the spot. So I'll say that I
don't always have the desire to engage because it might
be past family trauma or memories or you know. I mean,
I'm pretty open about the fact that I left home
(16:12):
when I was sixteen, and I remember the last Christmas
I spent with my family, and I remember saying, I
will never spend another Christmas with these people again.
Speaker 8 (16:20):
I remember being sixteen years old.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
No, at this point, I was eighteen, and I was
in a hotel by myself, like a holiday and some
hotel that cost like you know, it cost by an hour,
and I was by myself trying to get my money
right cause back this is back when you can fly
a ticket air train, no boars, and I was trying
to get the f ck out of the air and
(16:45):
just get away. But I was like, it's Christmas Day
and I'm in this nasty ass hotel by myself because
I was trying to see my family, and that shit
went real left and I'm a child at the time.
I felt like an adult, but I'm like, you're eighteen
year child and this is how you're spending the holiday,
and I have such a bad taste in my mouth
around it.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Yeah, I hear it that.
Speaker 6 (17:05):
It's just when you all were talking about Thanksgiving last
week and like, what time did you in your family?
I'm like when we did, you know, twenty five years ago,
thirty plus years ago, but like we not having Thanksgiving
dinner together. So I just want to affirm people out
there who are not necessarily spending the holidays with their family.
Maybe you don't even have friends to spend the holidays
with that you you know, you might be going to
(17:27):
the movies or by yourself or whatever, like those things
are okay to create your joy.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Well, you always welcome here, by the way, I will share,
But do you always always always at our house?
Speaker 8 (17:37):
I have every place to go.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
People are always like come over, but sometimes I do once,
Like sometimes I do want to be but I typically
go to my friend Kim Professor Kim Jones, He's a
dean at Howard to shout out to her. She us
being a civil engineering so I love talking to her
about water conservation. But I've been going to her house
for like probably the past ten years. But I'll be
in New York. So I was like, I'm just pop up.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And then you got something you should I was going
to tell you.
Speaker 6 (18:02):
I was like, Sonny, Liza up there, so I might
be at the Houstins for Thanksgiving, so we'll see or
I might be on the train and just come back home.
But I just want other people to know, like there
are people out there who aren't doing anything but anything,
you know.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I just I want to affirm that. And you actually
caused me to think a lot about a different how
different people show up in spaces and not everybody shows
up the same way. To the question of where I
find myself and withdrawal, I'll do two responses. One since
since twenty you know, eighteen, and then twenty twenty and
(18:39):
my life big inflection points I have. I have for
the longest of time, ever since I can remember, been
the one who's always had things together, you know, you know,
have it all together, and that kind of thing. And
I think part of when I don't feel like I
have it all together, I don't want to be pressed.
(19:01):
And it's a really terrible thing because all the people
who want me to be president desire is to be
and share a space so that they can help, so
that they can support, so that they can do whatever
it is that they can do to make sure that
I'm propped up on whatever my leaning side is. So
it really is me. It's not that anyone out you know,
any of my family member or loved ones make me
(19:23):
to feel any less than it is. It's me who
puts myself in the place where it's like, God, I
just don't feel like I just I can't talk right
now until I get this together. When I get this together,
then I can be. Then I can talk, and then
I can take on what it is that you have
for me to take on, because I always do feel,
truly that on the other end, is something else for
(19:45):
me to do. And that isn't always the truth. Sometimes
it really just is the check in. But a lot
of times and this is built out of a pattern, right,
we know, patterns of behavior have conditioned us to to
presuppose some things. So it's not without its history that
I said to feel that way. And then, particularly if
(20:07):
other people are down, I never want to be the
person in the position who can't prop up, who can't
lift up, who can't help. And so when you don't
have the reservoir of support for yourself, and then even
more when I can't rally for myself, I can somehow
figure out how to rally for others, But then you're
both pulling up blank. It's like I will do better
(20:31):
for everybody sometimes be absent so that we don't have
to we don't have to run into that situation. That's
what's caused a lot of my And then second it
has been I've managed a lot less when by my
(20:52):
like I used to have a staff and a lot
of folks helped with a lot of things scheduling this
I mean my children's doctors appointments is the third and
I realize now I have to pay real attention to
what it is I'm doing. I'm gonna muck something up,
and I can't muck it up with three. I can't
have my kids waiting at the camp because I didn't
know it was my day today to do it, because
(21:12):
it happened once over this summer. And my son got
in the car and this mfor was folded his hands
and he was just quiet.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
And then he said fine, And I said, baby, Daddy's
so sorry. I got confused of who was picking you
up from camp today. I would never ever ever want
to leave you anywhere, and I'm just really sorry, and
his the waterfalls started just poured out, crying and when
(21:42):
he finishes, thank you daddy. I love you, Daddy, but
I was distressed for I mean a week because I
felt like my kid had the feeling of abandonment because
I messed it up. So I'm really concentrated. I got
priorities here. There are there a pecking order, and at
the tippity top of that list, behind Jay are my
(22:04):
three kids, if not often in competition with the time
for her. And so I gotta get that right. And
what I mean to say about this is that I
take on a lot less. I can't do twenty tasks
at once anymore. I have to do the thing that
I've got to do, and when I'm done with that,
I'll do the next thing and then the next thing.
So there's self care things. But it's also like inadequacies
(22:29):
that are showing up that I didn't know I had.
Speaker 6 (22:34):
We all do, Angela? Do you for your brother? Do
you have space for him in your life even if
you're mad at him? Do you have space for him
to be in your life?
Speaker 4 (22:46):
Yes, especially because it was very clear that that's what
my mom wants. And it's probably foolish of me to
say this, but understanding like the connection between a parent
and a child. I just know, like there's there's a
void that she's missing that she hasn't expressed. She's far
less expressive than my dad is, and so yeah, like
(23:10):
it's you know, it's a conversation I even have with
my dad, Like listen, Mom has always said make big
things small, and small things nothing, and so in my mind,
like all of that is water under the bridge. If
that means that you can be present for mommy in
a part of her healing journey and in a way
helping her to recover, to rebound to you know, exist
in whatever her new normal is. But I think it
(23:30):
would be great for him.
Speaker 5 (23:33):
To be present. I think it'll be great for both
of them.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Honestly, I think one of the biggest worries I have
that I still have to yield to him is he's
an adult in his own sovereignty. Is you know, how
will you feel if you completely miss out on this
phase of her life? And I don't think he'd ever
forgive himself for that. He's very like, you know, an
EmPATH who just has you know, struggled. So I just
I hope that he can come around to that for
(23:58):
his own sake. But you know, I wouldn't mind if
we went light for just a second. Yeah, please, you
guys are okay, okay, y know, I think we have
definitely Kari because his computer never works. I don't understand
how Beyonce got a broke ass computer when in all
(24:19):
these ways, when in all these settlements, Internet don't never work,
computed don't never work. So I'm trying to figure out
what is he spending the money on it?
Speaker 6 (24:29):
He said, left the conversations.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Conversation he would me has messed with me because I
wouldn't notice or care.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
That's so funny, you guys. Okay, So you know, there
might be a family member and I'm not saying it's
in my family, that there might be a family member
or a friend tif of a family member who wants
to make something, uh for the dinner, for the holiday dinner,
(24:58):
and it's not tasty, but they always want to bring
the thing.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
And so.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
Okay, Andrew said, put it on the kids table. I'm
curious to know how you saw for it. Do you
try to cook the thing together? Do you send recipe ideas?
Do you? Bacari welcome back. Abacaris joined the story because
we went thought we have he might not even your
(25:27):
Sorry you left the conversation.
Speaker 6 (25:30):
Well, while you're getting it together, I will enquiry.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Oh yeah, go ahead, tip, he'll understand what it is
by it.
Speaker 8 (25:38):
Okay.
Speaker 6 (25:39):
So it's in the situation where somebody doesn't cook well.
I have to tell you, in forty six years of
holidays of friends, I've only spent holidays with black families,
and I have never encountered someone who did not make
something well. So I hear these stories all the time.
Now people make things I don't eat, but that doesn't
mean it wasn't cooked well. But my grandmother was one
(26:00):
of the best cooked. She taught all of her sons
that she had, all boys, she taught them how to cook.
Like we all learned from her how to cook extended family.
She was the person to teach everybody how to cook
and then an other. I mean, I grew up in
Atlanta and Cleveland, so you did not meet black folks
who couldn't throw down. They had their own recipe. I
(26:20):
started to hit you in the chat, anst'll be like,
drop that seafood recipe. I just don't know. I haven't
made dressing since I stopped eating meat, So I'm like, damn,
how do I even make the dressing if because I
would make the turkey stock and put it in the dressing.
So I'm like, how would I do that now? And
I was like, I could try to make that seafood
dressing and ANSL was talking about but I'm like, I
don't even know how to do the dressing without the meat.
(26:41):
So I might be the person, you know that would
mess it up this year. But I've always had really
great culinary experiences with us.
Speaker 5 (26:47):
I have had them.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah, I real quick, tif I wanted to just black
free my my cornbread dressing still got smoke turkey in it,
and trying to figure out a remix for you. I will,
I'll figure it out. Go ahead, a G I'm sorry, No,
I said, I think you got to.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
When somebody makes a bad dish, one I would ask
yourself before interfering, do they know that everybody knows that
this is not a good dish?
Speaker 8 (27:15):
Because sometimes have you had the bad dish?
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Andrew?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
And what was just saying? I know, because if you
if you make it to our table for thanksgiving up dish,
you don't you just don't show up at people's stuff
putting you bring can sodas.
Speaker 5 (27:35):
Or the people in your family.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Everybody, well, yes, but everybody can't cook everything the best.
Some people better.
Speaker 8 (27:44):
So you have had an experience where somebody I have.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
A family member who changed the type of macaroni they
used for the macaroni. What do you call them? Can't
even tell you the name other stuff, but but they
were all kind of shapes and stuff and stuff, and
it was different than the regular macro and it maybe
it looked really nice in the dish, but everybody revolted.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Even taste it when it's wrong. It's not an elbow.
We got a problem is nobody asked.
Speaker 6 (28:17):
Made spaghetti mac and cheese.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Like you want to do.
Speaker 5 (28:25):
Mom. I remember, I was like, what is this? They
were like, oh, this is macrod was like, no, it's
not just a spaghetti with cheese on it. I don't
like that. That's disrespectful.
Speaker 8 (28:34):
We've had both.
Speaker 6 (28:35):
We it's never just spaghetti like somebody always does a
regular mac and cheese.
Speaker 5 (28:39):
And but I'm like, oh, I didn't tell you.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
This must be a Midwest thing because it's another Midwest moment.
Because I'm like, do not do this, guys, don't do this.
This is unacceptable. I don't know why it has to
be an elbow, but I need it to be an elbow.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I don't want to know.
Speaker 5 (28:55):
I don't want to know.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Uh listen, I want that.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I was.
Speaker 6 (29:04):
That what's the ones The elbow is good because the
cheese gets in there, like the juice gets in there.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
So I don't know any of these. But the mac
and cheese you see, you know, regular space tables, yes,
But the other stuff is you know, you might think
it's pretty and and Guiata or whoever on TV you
know did it, but you know, just don't bring it
to Thanksgiving, Just just use it for another day.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
But Kari, do you have somebody in your family that
can't cook but insists on cooking? And if so, how
do you deal with telling them please don't bring this back.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
No, we don't play them games something Thanksgiving? You better experiment,
experiment on the child's birthday. Hell, they can't tell, no difference.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
But Angela, I was asking two questions. Are one. If
they're aware, then maybe they're just letting you know. They
don't give up, right.
Speaker 7 (29:57):
I think that's in which case then you have permission
not to give a But if it is the case
that they are not aware, that everybody shares this opinion
and you good with cousin. I would pull cousins to
the side and just say, you know, those those greens,
(30:17):
and I know you love doing them, but I just think,
I think Thanksgiving is not going to be the time anymore.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
And I'm wondering, if you have another dish, you.
Speaker 5 (30:25):
Might They're not gonna say nothing about the greens because
I make the greens.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
But let me ask you all this, what about any
political drama that comes up during the holiday. It's like, well,
I have a cousin that voted for Trump and he
decided to make an announcement about that at the last
like big.
Speaker 5 (30:41):
Christmas, like he was supporting Trump.
Speaker 4 (30:42):
I was so outdone because it was sixty niggas in
the house with matching pajamas on.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
We used to have a Republican uncle.
Speaker 8 (30:50):
I saw those pictures that year.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Would you say, no, we have a I have an
uncle who when he you know, voted Republicans quite a
bit for a number of years administrations and whatnot. And
when I was younger, like middle school, high school, younger,
I would like engage him, and now nobody it's I mean,
hell no, and we're not having political debates.
Speaker 6 (31:14):
Yeah right now, yeah, everybody sitting around talking about crazy
it is. It's definitely not. Nobody's introducing the counterpoint. Nobody's
talking about.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
But I never said that. Watch the words.
Speaker 5 (31:32):
He did.
Speaker 8 (31:32):
Angie did not say that I'm to.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Go the kal home. You don't know what you know
what the rocks outside they deserve kicking you, but.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
You do.
Speaker 8 (31:51):
You have political conversation.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Thanksgiving is easy.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
The fact that here with Mary a beef story late
with broke internet and you ain't.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
You can't go ahead and release us with just just
close us out.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
First of all, First of all, with the bullying of
the guys, it stopped the episode one hundred So Andrew,
I got your back forever and always welcome home, y'all, come.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Home, home home.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
That is, that's how, That's how you stopped somebody hand
on the beef.
Speaker 4 (32:26):
You just he exited the conversation, came back and exited
again to.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
You know, he finds really convenient.
Speaker 6 (32:32):
Can I do a quick call to action for our
viewers because Christmas is coming out?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
So thank you.
Speaker 6 (32:40):
That was on another episode, on this episode, because we're
talking about beef and Christmas, Thanksgiving this past and Christmas
is coming up. I do want to hear from people
all the things that we talked about. So if you
have a family member that makes something like, drop us
a comment and let us know how you're handling.
Speaker 8 (32:53):
What if you have a beef, what was the dish?
What was the problem with the dish?
Speaker 6 (32:58):
And how did your family handle or if there's other
beef that you're anticipating this Christmas holiday. I'm just I
just want to be in your business. Yeah, give us
the drama. I want to hear. And on a serious note,
I do want to tell people who this is. Something
is happening at college campuses. And so a friend of
(33:19):
mine was explaining to me that because of their final schedule,
a lot of kids can't go home for Thanksgiving. They
have to stay and so they're for young people. Anybody
who's like spending the holidays alone. Live in abundance and
just know that, yeah, like this, because you're out with
a bunch of people doesn't mean it's a bad time
or a bad day.
Speaker 8 (33:38):
Your futures are bright and ahead of you.
Speaker 6 (33:41):
And I, like I said, I'll be with tamern Ers
any or who knows where I'll be for Christmas.
Speaker 8 (33:47):
Remember that year we flew.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
To I just heard that you and uh Leticia James
are gonna have a very great holiday started with Thanksgiving.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yes, well, very good that we celebrating it with them
on the other side of Thanksgiving today, and I just
you know, I just I just want to tell people
to make sure you resolve conflict. Life is not long,
it is very short, and so make sure you get
through it. Please tell us your business. We definitely told
you ours, but thank you, and I hope that you
(34:20):
all arrest on the other side of this holiday. Get
it pedicure, manicure, but still make sure you ain't buying it.
Speaker 5 (34:27):
On this on this Black Friday. So y'all, Welcome home.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Welcome home, Welcome home, y'all. Native Lampard is a production
of iHeart Radio and partnership with Reason Choice Media. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
(34:54):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Native Lampard is a production of iHeart Radio in partnership
with Reason Choice Media.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
What's Up, Princessful?
Speaker 3 (00:08):
She got a stomach out? Look at it?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Just oh, we got a little mid drift.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm almost done, Okay, I love you. I tried.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
One of the things that I tried to do in
my life is not have beef with six year olds.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
But I'm not always successful. Welcome to y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Welcome home, y'all supposed to say, welcome home.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Jesus, I gotta help you, y'all just saw.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
We just had a special cameo from Sadie Ellen Sellers
and she is going to be seven in January, along
with her brother. You may hear them in the background
because we out of school on this Thanksgiving week, but
we are enjoying every bit of it. And shout out
to the Nutcracker. I hope some of y'all are going
to get a chance to see friends and family in
special shows. But Angela had a unique she wanted to
(00:53):
talk about, So I'm gonna let you bring it in
because you described it so well.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
So all of us have siblings, and I think I
at least have a ton of cousins too. And so
we spend our holidays all together. As you all know,
we've spent a lot of time trafficking and internet beef.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Some that we requested, some we.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
Didn't ask for, but some if we can't escape. Always
during the holidays, there's.
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Some family beef.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
So I want to talk about conflict resolution on the
other side of Thanksgiving and wondering how y'all navigated through
some of the trials and tribulations of cousin beef, sibling beef,
and all things in between. Did you get in trouble
for making the macaroni and cheese bad? Did you get
in trouble for putting marshmallows on top of the camps?
Did you get in trouble for some age oh beef
(01:40):
that we don't know about. I want to hear about it.
I want to hear about how y'all have resolved conflict
with plant family.
Speaker 5 (01:46):
I got some that's not quite resolved.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
I'm talking about that too.
Speaker 6 (01:51):
And you're talking about like light hearted beef, and there's
like heavy beef that happens, and it depends on how
you perceive its like heavy beef for some people. As
you renigged back in nineteen ninety eight. You said you
ain't have no clubs spoken in decades.
Speaker 7 (02:06):
You know.
Speaker 8 (02:07):
Yeah, marriages break up.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Over when like and your your cousin female dance too
close to your new husband. Oh, y'all, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
They already knew, they already knew each other.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Andrew not, Well, I don't know what don't.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
That's why you got it. That's why you gotta get
your card.
Speaker 8 (02:25):
You got to get your Thanksgiving.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
I want to hear about this.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But we all together now, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yeah, but that's why you gotta have it was a beef.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
No that sounds let's get let's start light up.
Speaker 8 (02:39):
Okay, Well.
Speaker 6 (02:42):
I don't really I don't spend the holidays with my family,
so I don't really have like and it's not like
family beef.
Speaker 8 (02:48):
It's just we all choose our piece.
Speaker 6 (02:52):
So and we're recording. We're recording this early. So for Thanksgiving,
these people don't know. But for Thanksgiving, I may be
a Tamern's house because I'll be in New York. I'm
either go go to Tammer's house in Sunny's house, or
I might take the train back to DC and be
at my friend's house. But I really don't because I'm
you know, usually with like chosen family. I don't really
have beef around the holidays, but I do like to
talk a.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Lot of.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I don't have beef. And the reason I don't have
beef is because I am affectionately calling myself a human
gas lighter. I am the person who you want to
have beef with. And then I just withdraw from communication.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Because I don't. I don't care.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I can't do all of that and the family group
chats as soon as the beef pop off. You see,
Bacari left the conversation in the middle.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Of family group chats or prayers.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
You really don't.
Speaker 8 (03:36):
Hold on real quick like you or do you just ignore?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah? I mean, if y'all piss me off, I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
I will leave a group chat in a heartbeat because
I want you to the part of the gas lighting
is you have to see the little line at the
bottom that says Macari, seller's left the.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Conversation, left the chat.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
So it's not just like this, Well, can you tell
us what happens the last time you did?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
So, just as a just I am about to tell
the truth, just as a One of the things people
will never say about me is I lie, but as
a part of a larger thing. I believe that a
relationships go both ways. And I hate to be in
a relationship where I just give. That drives me crazy
because I when I just give, I get exhausted. And
(04:24):
then it's like when I give and then somebody comments
on how I give what I give, or if I
gave the right amount of effort, then that is when
I'm about done.
Speaker 5 (04:38):
Give me an example, b Come.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
On, I mean what I mean. No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I take care of my parents, all right, and so
I take care of Gwen and Cleve. They get allowances
I pay for. You know, I'm just calling up No
they with you, Andrew and SKOPI conversation so but you know,
and sometimes you just want people to help shoulder that load.
And it's okay to do it by yourself. But I
(05:08):
don't need critique on how I'm shouldering the load. That's
my only point. I think that's what people don't to
whom given, to whom much is given.
Speaker 6 (05:16):
You got three people on this side of the screen,
like handler. If y'all listening to Angelo point.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Ellen is one of the most special people I'll ever
meet because one of the things that that happened when
we got married. Is I married a really really good partner.
I married and she hates when I say this. I
married it because I saw she was going to be
a good mother because we had a bonus child, so
that's always But I found out she's a really really
good partner. So she helps me shoulder that load and
tries to get me reintegrated with with friends and family
(05:45):
who otherwise, you know, I am okay not having conversations
with people. I am just fine without. Do I miss
it sometimes?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Hell?
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Does it drive me crazy sometimes?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Do I worry about getting into heaven? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But I'm also going to make sure that I have
my peace of mind because I ain't gonna let y'all
mess up my holidays. Ain't that much weed in the world.
Speaker 4 (06:04):
You know, not with the red cup entering the conversation too, Tip,
it's five am somewhere. Now here's the thing that, here's
the thing why I pointed at the screen, Tip, and
I know you can relate to it too, because one
of the things we talked about, I think last week
is in my call to action around caretaking. And what
(06:25):
I think is so interesting about this moment is how
care can turn into conflict. Care can turn into the battle,
because what you don't always realize is in caretaking knowing
that it is your responsibility and sometimes joyful in your pleasure.
Right when people have something to say about what you
(06:45):
didn't do or how you're doing it, that is remarkably frustrating.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
And I want to give y'all.
Speaker 4 (06:51):
I wasn't even gonna get into this because I didn't
think about it.
Speaker 5 (06:53):
But when be just brought this up.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
You know, last week, my mom was in the hospital
after having a fall we talked about and she had
to be transferred to a rehab facility. Well, I'm one
visiting all these rehab facilities. Ain't nobody going with me, Daddy, no, Shaye.
But I went by myself and my dad was he
had a call so he couldn't go. So, you guys,
by the third one I went to, I'm in the
car sobbing because I'm like, I can't put my mom
(07:18):
in any of these places, right, I'm like, she will
look at me like, and you got me confused, you
know what I mean, I'm not going. Yeah, And so
I was like, what am I gonna do? So I'm
literally like text pleading with the place where I want
her to go. Thankfully, you know, spoiler alert, she ends
up there. But like I got people in the family
text but to me like did you get her in yet?
Speaker 5 (07:38):
It hasn't happened yet, Like and I'm like, did you?
I'm sorry, did you make a call?
Speaker 4 (07:43):
And I'm feeling tender about it cause I'm like nobody's helping.
I'm looking at the board members to see who I
can reach out to to get my mom in the
facility that is preferred, you know.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
But it's frustrating when it's not even critique.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I won't even say critique, it's it is the quiet
resentment by the way that I'll feel from carrying what
I believe is my responsibility. But it would still be
nice if somebody just was like, hey, do you need
any support here? So I end up getting mad over
something I never even expressed to anyone, right, but I
just feel it.
Speaker 5 (08:14):
I see you not intip.
Speaker 8 (08:16):
Can I ask, though? Can I ask.
Speaker 6 (08:20):
If someone in your family had tried to be just
as invested as you just invested in calling, would they
have the space to do that?
Speaker 8 (08:29):
Or would you say, like.
Speaker 6 (08:31):
Do you want to be the person who's handling it
like if your cousin or your sibling, or you have
like siblings that you grew up with or cousins who
you grew up.
Speaker 8 (08:41):
With as siblings.
Speaker 6 (08:42):
So if they jumped in and they were like, okay,
I'm gonna call these three, are are they going to
get the antelip It's like, oh.
Speaker 8 (08:48):
Thank you so much for shouldering it's with me or the.
Speaker 6 (08:51):
Antelopus, Like, well, I'll do it because I know my
mom and I know how I wanted and did you
ask this and did you ask that? And did you
do it the right way? And so maybe they might
feel like I'm not going to intervene are you reception?
Speaker 5 (09:02):
Very much?
Speaker 4 (09:02):
So, in fact, the only difference I would say, though
my standards here are my moms. I was very careful
to ask my mom what does she want? I'm like, Mom,
here are the things that I'm thinking through. Does this
align with what you want? I'm operating strictly off what
she wants right like she is she Thank God, she
has her right mind. She can make these decisions right Like,
(09:22):
I'm absolutely yielding to that. Now if somebody calls and
it's like, oh, this facility can take her, but hey,
you haven't visited, and you don't have time, I still
got to go.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Check it out, right.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
So if they are like, oh, I'm gonna go, look like,
I know my cousin Me, I know my cousin Mary,
I know my cousin Ronda, ma A Learetta. I was, yeah,
and he has been here to help, you know. Like
so like everybody, they all have the same standards. Now,
I got some other cousins where I might not yield
to you, son, because I.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
Don't know what type of time you want.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
So yes, I think so, But I think what's most frustrating,
and I be quiet here is my brother. My parents
will probably be mad for me saying this, but it's true.
My brother just turned sixty this past Friday. I have
not talked to him in over a year. He did,
in his defense, call my mom recently, but my mom
hasn't talked to him over a year.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
And when she heard his voice on the phone, she
starts crying.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
And I think for me, I was like, damn, I
didn't realize how much this was an open hole for her,
and it's a wound, and so like, I want to
be grateful that he showed up, but I also want
to cuss his ass out because I haven't seen him,
haven't heard from him, he ain't done nothing. It's irritating.
And so for me, like if there was family beef,
well there is family beef. I have beef with him,
bless you to. I have beef with him right now
(10:38):
for how he's moved with my parents. Like he don't
have to talk to me, but I don't like how
he's moving with my parents, and he better not to
Bacari's point, come around, critique and shit right now, because
I will definitely remove myself from that conversation. By the way,
Nick's in the chat saying, Bacary, that's not gaslighting, that's
called stonewalling.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Next, white privilege, White privilege, tell me about.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
My brother.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Nick is my brother. He's getting me through my terrible
technological days. Go ahead, Andrew you over there with you
looking like you're about to run off on one of
your patent at twelve minutes.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You and know you and I both get the same DRUMA.
I'm managing uh three children upstairs, and when they started
getting stompy on the floor, somebody about to push somebody
and whatever. So these are beats, family beasts and ours range.
I mean, honestly, we y'all family group chats are a
lot more active around situations than ours. Ours ours are
(11:43):
prayers usually we have also regular family once a month
prayer calls, h cousins, aunts, my siblings, and I know
we all. I'm one of seven number five of seven,
all boys, and then my baby sister, my little sister, Monique,
(12:03):
And where our drama mostly resides is around these days.
I think my systere Monique has taken on like a
tremendous amount, traveling back and forth from the DMV back
to South Georgia to help out with my mom. And
I've got guilt around the fact that I'm you know,
a few hours away and but just three children and
(12:25):
a partner who works, and I have, you know, things
I got to It's just by the time you look up,
it's like, oh my god, and I'm so sorry my
da da da d And so what I what, I
really appreciate one. I've got siblings that look after me,
and we try to look after each other. We try
not to guilt each other about the time stuff like
who's spending more time with you know whom, and who's
(12:48):
doing the initial outreach to somebody, not a beef, but
I think a reconciliation, and that is I think we
all got to a place because I was kind of
sick of the whole You barely ever call and when
we call you, we can't ever reach you. Were talking
to your assistance or this is that and the third
this is really in a former life, and then in
(13:10):
my new position, it really is like I just don't
be near them and I don't really like to pay
a whole bunch of attention to them. And I think
we all have different kind of chips on the shoulder
with each other about some of those kinds of accessibility things.
And so what we decided was if I reach out
to you, I'm reaching out to you with no I
(13:33):
love to talk to you and I would love to
have a conversation with you, but if I don't reach you,
I don't want you to beat yourself up about trying
to you know, get back to me. Just know that
you were on my heart. I wanted to reach out,
and when you get a minute, I trust that you'll
reach back out and we'll go from there. And I have,
really it feels like a really light lifted load that
(13:55):
you know I'm not feeling the pressure around you sometimes
avoid that call because of how long you have been
able to you know how how much time has passed
since you were able to make the return call. So
the lifting of the pressure. I don't know how how
if all of us are a hundred percent fully committed,
because I got one brother, one of my older brothers,
who seem a little touched still by inaccessibility when they
(14:16):
want you. But but that's helped a lot. It's just like,
how about you take the action because it's in you
to take and have no anticipation for the outcome. Just
just move because you felt so moved, or do because
you feel so do you know to do but you're
not doing it? Because I want you to know that
(14:36):
I call it. I need you to pick up the
fun and call me back to acknowledge that I've called you. Nope,
But when I do get back with you, know that
it's love and I'm here one hundred percent. And if
it's an emergency, I'll drop everything. But if it is
us just checking in this week is a little rough.
I'm gonna push this on Sunday, and please don't have
heat for me for that.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Nobody knows.
Speaker 8 (15:06):
I get that, Andrew. We've talked about that before.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
That's a pet peeve of both of ours, not just
with family, but with anybody. Like if I call you
and the first thing I hear is I've been trying
to call you. I called you eighteen times or whatever,
it's gonna be a real short conversation because my attitude
is like I'm calling you back now, like what's up.
If I didn't call you, it's because I was dealing
with and it could have been that I was busy,
that I was back to back to back to back
(15:29):
to back, or I didn't have the mental capacity to
engage another human being at that, you know, like I
was dealing with all kinds of stuff that I'd never
bring to you, that you don't know about. But now
I found made the time to talk to you. Let's
just be in this moment here. But what I was
struck by what you said. And I think some people
may feel this way during the holidays, that sometimes you
(15:51):
don't have the desire to to engage, And I wonder
what that reason is. I don't want to, you know,
put you on the spot. So I'll say that I
don't always have the desire to engage because it might
be past family trauma or memories or you know. I mean,
I'm pretty open about the fact that I left home
(16:12):
when I was sixteen, and I remember the last Christmas
I spent with my family, and I remember saying, I
will never spend another Christmas with these people again.
Speaker 8 (16:20):
I remember being sixteen years old.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
No, at this point, I was eighteen, and I was
in a hotel by myself, like a holiday and some
hotel that cost like you know, it cost by an hour,
and I was by myself trying to get my money
right cause back this is back when you can fly
a ticket air train, no boars, and I was trying
to get the f ck out of the air and
(16:45):
just get away. But I was like, it's Christmas Day
and I'm in this nasty ass hotel by myself because
I was trying to see my family, and that shit
went real left and I'm a child at the time.
I felt like an adult, but I'm like, you're eighteen
year child and this is how you're spending the holiday,
and I have such a bad taste in my mouth
around it.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Yeah, I hear it that.
Speaker 6 (17:05):
It's just when you all were talking about Thanksgiving last
week and like, what time did you in your family?
I'm like when we did, you know, twenty five years ago,
thirty plus years ago, but like we not having Thanksgiving
dinner together. So I just want to affirm people out
there who are not necessarily spending the holidays with their family.
Maybe you don't even have friends to spend the holidays
with that you you know, you might be going to
(17:27):
the movies or by yourself or whatever, like those things
are okay to create your joy.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Well, you always welcome here, by the way, I will share,
But do you always always always at our house?
Speaker 8 (17:37):
I have every place to go.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
People are always like come over, but sometimes I do once,
Like sometimes I do want to be but I typically
go to my friend Kim Professor Kim Jones, He's a
dean at Howard to shout out to her. She us
being a civil engineering so I love talking to her
about water conservation. But I've been going to her house
for like probably the past ten years. But I'll be
in New York. So I was like, I'm just pop up.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And then you got something you should I was going
to tell you.
Speaker 6 (18:02):
I was like, Sonny, Liza up there, so I might
be at the Houstins for Thanksgiving, so we'll see or
I might be on the train and just come back home.
But I just want other people to know, like there
are people out there who aren't doing anything but anything,
you know.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I just I want to affirm that. And you actually
caused me to think a lot about a different how
different people show up in spaces and not everybody shows
up the same way. To the question of where I
find myself and withdrawal, I'll do two responses. One since
since twenty you know, eighteen, and then twenty twenty and
(18:39):
my life big inflection points I have. I have for
the longest of time, ever since I can remember, been
the one who's always had things together, you know, you know,
have it all together, and that kind of thing. And
I think part of when I don't feel like I
have it all together, I don't want to be pressed.
(19:01):
And it's a really terrible thing because all the people
who want me to be president desire is to be
and share a space so that they can help, so
that they can support, so that they can do whatever
it is that they can do to make sure that
I'm propped up on whatever my leaning side is. So
it really is me. It's not that anyone out you know,
any of my family member or loved ones make me
(19:23):
to feel any less than it is. It's me who
puts myself in the place where it's like, God, I
just don't feel like I just I can't talk right
now until I get this together. When I get this together,
then I can be. Then I can talk, and then
I can take on what it is that you have
for me to take on, because I always do feel,
truly that on the other end, is something else for
(19:45):
me to do. And that isn't always the truth. Sometimes
it really just is the check in. But a lot
of times and this is built out of a pattern, right,
we know, patterns of behavior have conditioned us to to
presuppose some things. So it's not without its history that
I said to feel that way. And then, particularly if
(20:07):
other people are down, I never want to be the
person in the position who can't prop up, who can't
lift up, who can't help. And so when you don't
have the reservoir of support for yourself, and then even
more when I can't rally for myself, I can somehow
figure out how to rally for others, But then you're
both pulling up blank. It's like I will do better
(20:31):
for everybody sometimes be absent so that we don't have
to we don't have to run into that situation. That's
what's caused a lot of my And then second it
has been I've managed a lot less when by my
(20:52):
like I used to have a staff and a lot
of folks helped with a lot of things scheduling this
I mean my children's doctors appointments is the third and
I realize now I have to pay real attention to
what it is I'm doing. I'm gonna muck something up,
and I can't muck it up with three. I can't
have my kids waiting at the camp because I didn't
know it was my day today to do it, because
(21:12):
it happened once over this summer. And my son got
in the car and this mfor was folded his hands
and he was just quiet.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
And then he said fine, And I said, baby, Daddy's
so sorry. I got confused of who was picking you
up from camp today. I would never ever ever want
to leave you anywhere, and I'm just really sorry, and
his the waterfalls started just poured out, crying and when
(21:42):
he finishes, thank you daddy. I love you, Daddy, but
I was distressed for I mean a week because I
felt like my kid had the feeling of abandonment because
I messed it up. So I'm really concentrated. I got
priorities here. There are there a pecking order, and at
the tippity top of that list, behind Jay are my
(22:04):
three kids, if not often in competition with the time
for her. And so I gotta get that right. And
what I mean to say about this is that I
take on a lot less. I can't do twenty tasks
at once anymore. I have to do the thing that
I've got to do, and when I'm done with that,
I'll do the next thing and then the next thing.
So there's self care things. But it's also like inadequacies
(22:29):
that are showing up that I didn't know I had.
Speaker 6 (22:34):
We all do, Angela? Do you for your brother? Do
you have space for him in your life even if
you're mad at him? Do you have space for him
to be in your life?
Speaker 4 (22:46):
Yes, especially because it was very clear that that's what
my mom wants. And it's probably foolish of me to
say this, but understanding like the connection between a parent
and a child. I just know, like there's there's a
void that she's missing that she hasn't expressed. She's far
less expressive than my dad is, and so yeah, like
(23:10):
it's you know, it's a conversation I even have with
my dad, Like listen, Mom has always said make big
things small, and small things nothing, and so in my mind,
like all of that is water under the bridge. If
that means that you can be present for mommy in
a part of her healing journey and in a way
helping her to recover, to rebound to you know, exist
in whatever her new normal is. But I think it
(23:30):
would be great for him.
Speaker 5 (23:33):
To be present. I think it'll be great for both
of them.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Honestly, I think one of the biggest worries I have
that I still have to yield to him is he's
an adult in his own sovereignty. Is you know, how
will you feel if you completely miss out on this
phase of her life? And I don't think he'd ever
forgive himself for that. He's very like, you know, an
EmPATH who just has you know, struggled. So I just
I hope that he can come around to that for
(23:58):
his own sake. But you know, I wouldn't mind if
we went light for just a second. Yeah, please, you
guys are okay, okay, y know, I think we have
definitely Kari because his computer never works. I don't understand
how Beyonce got a broke ass computer when in all
(24:19):
these ways, when in all these settlements, Internet don't never work,
computed don't never work. So I'm trying to figure out
what is he spending the money on it?
Speaker 6 (24:29):
He said, left the conversations.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Conversation he would me has messed with me because I
wouldn't notice or care.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
That's so funny, you guys. Okay, So you know, there
might be a family member and I'm not saying it's
in my family, that there might be a family member
or a friend tif of a family member who wants
to make something, uh for the dinner, for the holiday dinner,
(24:58):
and it's not tasty, but they always want to bring
the thing.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
And so.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
Okay, Andrew said, put it on the kids table. I'm
curious to know how you saw for it. Do you
try to cook the thing together? Do you send recipe ideas?
Do you? Bacari welcome back. Abacaris joined the story because
we went thought we have he might not even your
(25:27):
Sorry you left the conversation.
Speaker 6 (25:30):
Well, while you're getting it together, I will enquiry.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Oh yeah, go ahead, tip, he'll understand what it is
by it.
Speaker 8 (25:38):
Okay.
Speaker 6 (25:39):
So it's in the situation where somebody doesn't cook well.
I have to tell you, in forty six years of
holidays of friends, I've only spent holidays with black families,
and I have never encountered someone who did not make
something well. So I hear these stories all the time.
Now people make things I don't eat, but that doesn't
mean it wasn't cooked well. But my grandmother was one
(26:00):
of the best cooked. She taught all of her sons
that she had, all boys, she taught them how to cook.
Like we all learned from her how to cook extended family.
She was the person to teach everybody how to cook
and then an other. I mean, I grew up in
Atlanta and Cleveland, so you did not meet black folks
who couldn't throw down. They had their own recipe. I
(26:20):
started to hit you in the chat, anst'll be like,
drop that seafood recipe. I just don't know. I haven't
made dressing since I stopped eating meat, So I'm like, damn,
how do I even make the dressing if because I
would make the turkey stock and put it in the dressing.
So I'm like, how would I do that now? And
I was like, I could try to make that seafood
dressing and ANSL was talking about but I'm like, I
don't even know how to do the dressing without the meat.
(26:41):
So I might be the person, you know that would
mess it up this year. But I've always had really
great culinary experiences with us.
Speaker 5 (26:47):
I have had them.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah, I real quick, tif I wanted to just black
free my my cornbread dressing still got smoke turkey in it,
and trying to figure out a remix for you. I will,
I'll figure it out. Go ahead, a G I'm sorry, No,
I said, I think you got to.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
When somebody makes a bad dish, one I would ask
yourself before interfering, do they know that everybody knows that
this is not a good dish?
Speaker 8 (27:15):
Because sometimes have you had the bad dish?
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Andrew?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
And what was just saying? I know, because if you
if you make it to our table for thanksgiving up dish,
you don't you just don't show up at people's stuff
putting you bring can sodas.
Speaker 5 (27:35):
Or the people in your family.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Everybody, well, yes, but everybody can't cook everything the best.
Some people better.
Speaker 8 (27:44):
So you have had an experience where somebody I have.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
A family member who changed the type of macaroni they
used for the macaroni. What do you call them? Can't
even tell you the name other stuff, but but they
were all kind of shapes and stuff and stuff, and
it was different than the regular macro and it maybe
it looked really nice in the dish, but everybody revolted.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Even taste it when it's wrong. It's not an elbow.
We got a problem is nobody asked.
Speaker 6 (28:17):
Made spaghetti mac and cheese.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Like you want to do.
Speaker 5 (28:25):
Mom. I remember, I was like, what is this? They
were like, oh, this is macrod was like, no, it's
not just a spaghetti with cheese on it. I don't
like that. That's disrespectful.
Speaker 8 (28:34):
We've had both.
Speaker 6 (28:35):
We it's never just spaghetti like somebody always does a
regular mac and cheese.
Speaker 5 (28:39):
And but I'm like, oh, I didn't tell you.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
This must be a Midwest thing because it's another Midwest moment.
Because I'm like, do not do this, guys, don't do this.
This is unacceptable. I don't know why it has to
be an elbow, but I need it to be an elbow.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I don't want to know.
Speaker 5 (28:55):
I don't want to know.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Uh listen, I want that.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I was.
Speaker 6 (29:04):
That what's the ones The elbow is good because the
cheese gets in there, like the juice gets in there.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
So I don't know any of these. But the mac
and cheese you see, you know, regular space tables, yes,
But the other stuff is you know, you might think
it's pretty and and Guiata or whoever on TV you
know did it, but you know, just don't bring it
to Thanksgiving, Just just use it for another day.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
But Kari, do you have somebody in your family that
can't cook but insists on cooking? And if so, how
do you deal with telling them please don't bring this back.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
No, we don't play them games something Thanksgiving? You better experiment,
experiment on the child's birthday. Hell, they can't tell, no difference.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
But Angela, I was asking two questions. Are one. If
they're aware, then maybe they're just letting you know. They
don't give up, right.
Speaker 7 (29:57):
I think that's in which case then you have permission
not to give a But if it is the case
that they are not aware, that everybody shares this opinion
and you good with cousin. I would pull cousins to
the side and just say, you know, those those greens,
(30:17):
and I know you love doing them, but I just think,
I think Thanksgiving is not going to be the time anymore.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
And I'm wondering, if you have another dish, you.
Speaker 5 (30:25):
Might They're not gonna say nothing about the greens because
I make the greens.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
But let me ask you all this, what about any
political drama that comes up during the holiday. It's like, well,
I have a cousin that voted for Trump and he
decided to make an announcement about that at the last
like big.
Speaker 5 (30:41):
Christmas, like he was supporting Trump.
Speaker 4 (30:42):
I was so outdone because it was sixty niggas in
the house with matching pajamas on.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
We used to have a Republican uncle.
Speaker 8 (30:50):
I saw those pictures that year.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Would you say, no, we have a I have an
uncle who when he you know, voted Republicans quite a
bit for a number of years administrations and whatnot. And
when I was younger, like middle school, high school, younger,
I would like engage him, and now nobody it's I mean,
hell no, and we're not having political debates.
Speaker 6 (31:14):
Yeah right now, yeah, everybody sitting around talking about crazy
it is. It's definitely not. Nobody's introducing the counterpoint. Nobody's
talking about.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
But I never said that. Watch the words.
Speaker 5 (31:32):
He did.
Speaker 8 (31:32):
Angie did not say that I'm to.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Go the kal home. You don't know what you know
what the rocks outside they deserve kicking you, but.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
You do.
Speaker 8 (31:51):
You have political conversation.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Thanksgiving is easy.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
The fact that here with Mary a beef story late
with broke internet and you ain't.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
You can't go ahead and release us with just just
close us out.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
First of all, First of all, with the bullying of
the guys, it stopped the episode one hundred So Andrew,
I got your back forever and always welcome home, y'all, come.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Home, home home.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
That is, that's how, That's how you stopped somebody hand
on the beef.
Speaker 4 (32:26):
You just he exited the conversation, came back and exited
again to.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
You know, he finds really convenient.
Speaker 6 (32:32):
Can I do a quick call to action for our
viewers because Christmas is coming out?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
So thank you.
Speaker 6 (32:40):
That was on another episode, on this episode, because we're
talking about beef and Christmas, Thanksgiving this past and Christmas
is coming up. I do want to hear from people
all the things that we talked about. So if you
have a family member that makes something like, drop us
a comment and let us know how you're handling.
Speaker 8 (32:53):
What if you have a beef, what was the dish?
What was the problem with the dish?
Speaker 6 (32:58):
And how did your family handle or if there's other
beef that you're anticipating this Christmas holiday. I'm just I
just want to be in your business. Yeah, give us
the drama. I want to hear. And on a serious note,
I do want to tell people who this is. Something
is happening at college campuses. And so a friend of
(33:19):
mine was explaining to me that because of their final schedule,
a lot of kids can't go home for Thanksgiving. They
have to stay and so they're for young people. Anybody
who's like spending the holidays alone. Live in abundance and
just know that, yeah, like this, because you're out with
a bunch of people doesn't mean it's a bad time
or a bad day.
Speaker 8 (33:38):
Your futures are bright and ahead of you.
Speaker 6 (33:41):
And I, like I said, I'll be with tamern Ers
any or who knows where I'll be for Christmas.
Speaker 8 (33:47):
Remember that year we flew.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
To I just heard that you and uh Leticia James
are gonna have a very great holiday started with Thanksgiving.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Yes, well, very good that we celebrating it with them
on the other side of Thanksgiving today, and I just
you know, I just I just want to tell people
to make sure you resolve conflict. Life is not long,
it is very short, and so make sure you get
through it. Please tell us your business. We definitely told
you ours, but thank you, and I hope that you
(34:20):
all arrest on the other side of this holiday. Get
it pedicure, manicure, but still make sure you ain't buying it.
Speaker 5 (34:27):
On this on this Black Friday. So y'all, Welcome home.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Welcome home, Welcome home, y'all. Native Lampard is a production
of iHeart Radio and partnership with Reason Choice Media. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
(34:54):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hosts And Creators
Tiffany Cross
Andrew Gillum
Angela Rye
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