I became my elderly friend’s CARETAKER…without even agreeing to it! -r/whatdoido | Reddit Stories | EP2654 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:06):
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Speaker 3 (00:11):
I became my elderly friend's caretaker without even agreeing to it.
Well agree, I forties female have become friends with an
old woman ninety in my neighborhood over the past couple
of years. It started as me helping her with dog
walking and morphed into a pretty great friendship. She's like
a grandma to me in a way. I love her
dogs and enjoy helping her with dog walking. I'm now

(00:34):
going to inherit the dogs when she's no longer able
to care for them. By the way, this comes from
any requirement eighteen to eight. And if you want to
smit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
Storytime subbured it. I'm Sophia and I'm Savannah, and we're
here to give good advice scoofully. But we don't have
all the answers. We only know what we'd do, So
let us know what you would do in the comments,
and op says when she had a huge medical event

(00:56):
last year, the dogs stayed with me for a month,
and every time she has a hospital visit, they stay
with me. So the dogs and I and my family
are pretty close. I should add that I have two
teenagers and a husband and run a small business, so
I'm pretty busy, but I continue to make time to
walk the dogs three times a week and sometimes more.

(01:17):
I get along well with this lady we'll call her Jane,
and I enjoy having little visits with her. Unfortunately, I'm
also very busy and don't have time to hang out
very much. I don't even hang out with my other friends,
my own age very often, or my own mother because
life is completely jam packed. Jane's health has gone downhill
since the big medical event last year. Then she is

(01:38):
starting to decline. She still drives herself around and generally
manages life, but it's getting harder. She's exhausted most of
the time and has trouble with day to day things
like filling bird feeders, scooping the litter boxes since she
also has three cats, oh and picking up dog poop
in the backyard. Sometimes she'll hire someone to come and help,

(01:58):
but they never meet her expectations and she stops getting help.
The trouble is that she asks me to fill in
and help her. It's small things like asking if I
can get her some bread, if I'm going to the store,
or pick up souper, or pick up the dog poop
in the yard, kind of over it. She calls me
when she's anxious and having trouble breathing, and on more

(02:19):
than one occasion, I've gone over to sit with her
for over an hour. A couple of weeks ago, I
went over and she was on the floor after having
fallen and broken her collar bone. I refused to take
her to the hospital myself and insisted she'd call an
ambulance because I didn't know if anything else was broken.
The responsibility for her seems to be increasing, and I

(02:40):
don't have the bandwidth to take care of her. She
has four children, three live locally, but barely talk to her.
That's yeah, that's the issue. It's like her children should
be the one taking care of all that stuff, but
it seems like she doesn't have a good relationship with them.
Ye's telling on you. One of her children lives five
hours away and is very close with Jane, but they

(03:02):
obviously can't be here all the time. I don't know
what to do if I tell her to stop asking
me to do things, I worry that her friendship will end.
I do care about her and she feels like family
to me, but the bottom line is she needs to
hire someone to help her with this stuff. Last week,
her other neighbor came over to make her breakfast because
she couldn't move her arm due to the broken bone.

(03:23):
She's asking too much of the neighbors and friends. A
different neighbor was helping her almost every day and they
had a falling out, and now she doesn't speak to
them anymore. I'd like to continue being her friend and
I enjoy walking the dogs, but if I tell her
I can't help her, I'm not sure how she'll react.
Yesterday she asked if I could go get bread, which
was fine because I was going to the store anyway

(03:45):
and planned on walking the dogs later. Then this morning
she asked if I had pick up the dog poop
while I'm there. I don't want to.

Speaker 4 (03:53):
What do I do?

Speaker 3 (03:54):
And there are some comments, but what do you think
I mean?

Speaker 5 (03:58):
It is a sticky situation because obviously this woman can't
care for herself on her own, especially now. Since she
has had, you know, a bad fall, and now she
really can't.

Speaker 3 (04:13):
Take care of herself.

Speaker 5 (04:14):
But it's not your responsibility to take care of her.
And you know, but I understand. You know she is
a friend, you do care for her, care for her,
you know, her dogs or cats, whatever, but also you
have your life too.

Speaker 3 (04:31):
I think you should have a conversation with her and say, hey,
I'd love to still walk the dogs. I just don't
have time or you know, I'm not like qualified to
help you in these scenarios. So I think you should
look into and maybe, you know, if you want to
be really nice, come up with some like find some
options for her. Common one says, I'd find a way

(04:52):
to talk to her children and see if they can
step up and help or hire someone come help her out.
I think that's also a good option. I'd also contact
low adult services and see if they have cheap home
help information to come help care for her while her
arm is broken. How did they let her out of
hospital without that set up? And yes, you do need
to tell her I have a job and family I

(05:13):
have to take care of as well. I'm sorry I
can't do X y Z for you today. Comment two
says she's ninety. She fell and broke a bone in
this season of her life. She needs professional help. Her
doctor's office can suggest where to call for services. The
alternative is her moving to a rehabilitation center or moving
into an assisted living. You are a good friend, but

(05:35):
you need to take care of yourself. And there is
an update. Yeah, I agree with all of those.

Speaker 5 (05:40):
Yeah, I agree with like even you know, the assisted
living and everything, like I know, like many like elderly
people are like, you know, against it at first, you
know whatever, and are like no, because like you basically
have to give everything up, you know, just to live
at these places, especially like animals and all these things,
like you know, basically a lot of your belongings, like

(06:02):
you know, so it's it's hard to let go of that.
But also in the long run, you're gonna meet people,
you're gonna be happy, You're gonna get the care you need,
you know.

Speaker 3 (06:14):
Update. I talked to her about it today. Did it
go well? I'm not sure. I was so so nice.
I framed it this way. You are no longer thriving,
you need help with things. I can't be that person
who does that. It's not fair to ask friends and
neighbors to do things all the time. Your needs will
continue to be greater. You aren't going to improve much,
and it's time to accept that you will need more

(06:37):
and more help. And I really emphasize that I'm worried
about her and worried that one day I'll come over
and she'll be on the floor. She made every excuse
there is. She doesn't think she needs someone every day,
She doesn't know when she'll need out. She doesn't want
to sit around and do nothing, and she needs to
do things herself to keep her strength up. Yes, true,
I do think that you should continue to be active.

(06:58):
She's very careful now when she walks around. She's asking
a different friend for rides and so on. I mentioned
polliative care and that sort of interested her. I mean,
I think that's a good suggestion.

Speaker 5 (07:09):
Like if she doesn't want to leave all of her
stuff behind and whatnot, then come to you the absolute
people who do that. Like there's professions, there's there's people
you can hire for like you know, not an an
extraordinarily amount of money.

Speaker 3 (07:25):
Yeah, And I mean up until recently, my grandparents were
living like five minutes from my parents, and they had
a whole thing set up where like my dad and
my two aunts would come because they're the closest, would
come and like check in on them. And then they
also had like a I think a full time or
part time caregiver who would come into the apartment and
like help out and stuff. And so you could find

(07:48):
kind of middle ground that works for them for her,
and here's the big one. I told her, I don't
want to be cleaning up poop. That is a job
for someone that she hires. So now this evening she
text and says that maybe if I don't want to
clean up the poop, I'm not up for taking the
dogs when she can't care for them anymore. I explain
that when I own a pet, I am responsible for

(08:09):
all the things that go along with pet ownership. When
it's at her house, it's a house and yard chore
that isn't really my job. I don't know how she'll
take it. She's being passive aggressive, in my opinion. Thank
you all for so many helpful, insightful and thoughtful comments.
I had no idea to get so many replies, and
it's been so interesting to read them. That's the end
of the story, so good luck. Yeah, I hope, hope

(08:32):
it all worked out.

Speaker 5 (08:33):
And yeah, you know she's your neighbor. It's not like
you're not gonna see her, but yeah, you also don't
know how long you're gonna see her.

Speaker 3 (08:39):
It's just so difficult for older people because to lose
your autonomy when you've been like independent for literally like
eighty you know, she's ninety, so like, what seventy years
she's been independent. That's stuff.

Speaker 6 (08:56):
And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go
to the next one.

Speaker 3 (09:00):
My friend proudly bragged about her affair with her boss,
so I told his wife nice, get them high.

Speaker 5 (09:06):
Reddit I twenty seven female have had a very close
friend twenty eight females since university days. Let's call her Beth.
Beth and I grew apart the past couple of years
due to work schedule and location differences different states and
one and a half hour car rides. We still text
each other, do occasional video calls, and we always mail
each other flowers and gifts during special occasions like birthdays, Christmas,

(09:29):
work promotions, etc. By the way, this comes from Watercress
Icy seven sixty two, and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit.
I'm Savannah, I'm Sophia, and we are here to give
some good advice goofully, but we don't have all the answers.
We'd only tell you what we would do in the situation.
So let us know what you would do in the comments.
As Opie says, I recently got engaged to my current partner,

(09:52):
forty one male whom I've been dating for two years,
in whom I met through a mutual callie at work.
My fiance and I work at different companies, and I
have a colleague who used to work at my fiance's
company and was in the same division with him a
few years prior. I wanted to share the good news
and invite some of my close friends from university to
do an engagement celebration.

Speaker 3 (10:13):
Beth couldn't join the big.

Speaker 5 (10:14):
Dinner with her other friends due to a work trip,
so I scheduled a separate brunch with her to break
the news and have a ketchup. Less than a week later.
After her work trip, she stayed in my state for
a few days for the brunch. I broke the news
to her and she was so happy, congratulated me et cetera.
It only became weird when I told her my fiance
is a bit older and our age gap might seem

(10:36):
unacceptable for some people. Then she started to act very catty,
as if to hint something was fishy between my fiance
and me. She said things like, don't worry. I'm one
hundred percent a girl's girl. I fully support women's rights
and women's wrongs.

Speaker 3 (10:51):
That's a really weird way to put it. I think.
I think it if she had come at it in
a way of saying, Okay, you know, like you just
have to make sure you know you're being you're careful
with that age guys. All right, I'm a just kids girl. Yeah,
you just keep your eyes out for any signs and stuff.
But I'm sure, like it seems like your relationship has

(11:13):
been going well. If she'd come at it that way, maybe,
But like, I'm a girls girl, I support women's rights
and wrongs, right, It's like okay.

Speaker 5 (11:24):
When I told her the story of how I met
and started dating my fiance to clear the air, I
mentioned a couple of times that he was not involved
in any committed relationship when we first met and started
getting together, which is the main reason why her mutual
friend introduced us to each other. I noticed her rolling
her eyes a couple of times and scoffing, being super snarky.
I finally asked her what was up with her act

(11:45):
because I was sharing a big milestone in my life
and instead of celebrating, she was acting incriminating. Then she
said something along the lines of knowing my game and
that it's all right if I pushed aside my competition
to bag my man.

Speaker 3 (11:58):
What are you talking about?

Speaker 5 (12:01):
I laughed it off and just stared at her, and
it became slightly awkward. I didn't know what else to
say to her, and she finally admitted that she's also
seen someone at work and that their practically husband and wife.
I asked her what she meant, because I thought they
moved in together or are somewhat domestic, since this was
the first time I heard of this fact. The last
time I heard from her, she wasn't in any relationship.

(12:22):
She said that she's the work wife of a married man,
her superior at work from a different working unit. Apparently
he's been financing all of best miscellaneous expenses. The new
apartment that she moved into because it's closer from and
to her office building. The nose job. She recently got

(12:42):
her second private phone, and even her recent promotion were
thanks to him.

Speaker 3 (12:46):
Her second private phone. Okay, well, this is like a
huge HR violation if she got a promotion because of him.

Speaker 7 (12:54):
That so he helped with her new apartment.

Speaker 3 (12:58):
Her nose, her nose, her raise. It raised the phones?
Two private phones? Why did need those?

Speaker 5 (13:07):
She also says she's currently staying with her fair partner.
While visiting my state, I was taken aback and asked
her if she knew when they started dating. She proudly
said yes, and that she seduced him during a work trip.
I told her I don't think I'm okay with this relationship,
and I wished her good luck as she figures things out.
I then changed the subject to updates from our other

(13:29):
mutual friends since she missed the gathering. However, she was
preoccupied with sharing about her work husband. She even claimed
that he's happier with her versus with the wife back home,
hence why he kept asking to see her and to
have weakened trips with her. At this point, my stomach
felt sick. I became super quiet and didn't respond to
her word vomit. Beth then told me that one time

(13:52):
missus Wife came to her office with suspicion already in mind,
but Beth's work colleague protected her and her fair partner.
Her colleague at work when as far as to claim
to missus Wife that her boyfriend is in the same
division as her, and this fake boyfriend of hers went
along with the story.

Speaker 7 (14:09):
Okay, so why are you guys doing this?

Speaker 3 (14:12):
Yeah, sticking up for her. Yeah, she's in the wrong obviously.

Speaker 5 (14:16):
Why are you like, oh, don't tell the wife, let
her just keep living her life, Dane.

Speaker 3 (14:21):
Yeah, it seems like, oh, he's not okay with this though,
that's good.

Speaker 5 (14:25):
Beth told me this episode as if it's a funny
story or something to be proud of. I just found
it absolutely sickening and messed up that everyone was in
on the deception. I told her straight to her face
that I can no longer invite her to my wedding
unless she gets her acts straight, and that it's absolutely
sickening that she's deceiving an innocent woman over some guy.
After that brunch, we stopped interacting altogether. Recently, Beth has

(14:48):
become super active on Instagram. She was previously quite offline
and only reposted mentions on her stories or posted birthday wishes.
Now she's posting stories of all the gifts and trips
she receives from her be mirror picks at fancy hotels
with his face blurred out, and even some of their
intimacy in the workplace.

Speaker 7 (15:07):
Okay, okay, well.

Speaker 3 (15:08):
How has her workplace not found that and been like, uh,
what are you doing on company time with who?

Speaker 5 (15:15):
It wasn't hard to dig who the affair partner is
because Beth made it obvious from a post which division
he's from, and it's all on the company's website. I
even went as far as finding his Facebook, which in
turn led me to find his wife's Facebook. The wife
looks unaware and is posting her happy family like any
regular person on Facebook. I fell into this rabbit hole
when I knew I should have just cut her off.

(15:36):
Now I knew too much, and I was so tempted
to tell missus wife about Beth.

Speaker 3 (15:41):
Should I Yes, yeah, absolutely, she deserves to know. There's
an update.

Speaker 5 (15:47):
Thanks for all the comments and thought pieces. I decided
to casually gather evidence, taking screenshots. Only when Beth posted,
I was still deciding when to tell the wife everything.
That was when an encounter between me and my other
friends happened, and some of them have been trying to
drop hints to the wife. Apparently I wasn't the only
one trying to whistle blow the affair.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
That's something. At least you have other friends who have
conscious I just that you did the right thing, or
whoever you know, whoever came forward and told his wife
he was doing the right thing.

Speaker 5 (16:17):
I think that you should all get together as like
a neighborhood watch things, yeah, and then storm into his
office lay down the law.

Speaker 3 (16:25):
I think that's the only way.

Speaker 5 (16:27):
I ended up creating a fake Instagram account, found the
wife on Instagram, and dropped a cloud link of the
screenshots safely. I used an anonymous email, a cloud box account,
and a private link with those passcodes needed to extract
files features. The wife opened the cloud link just this morning. However,
she didn't or has yet to reply to me. I

(16:47):
deleted the Instagram account as soon as she accessed the
cloud link. I will not tell anyone I know in
real life what I did, but I do not regret it.

Speaker 3 (16:55):
She deserves to know.

Speaker 5 (16:57):
Oh, and that's the end of that story.

Speaker 3 (17:00):
No, I wanted to know. I want to know, we
deserve to know.

Speaker 5 (17:03):
I hope that she takes that and does something with it, yeah,
instead of the wife.

Speaker 3 (17:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (17:11):
to the next one.

Speaker 3 (17:15):
I refuse to apologize to my friend's mother because I
did nothing wrong, and I stand by that. I have
a friend group of five girls, myself included. There's Me
eighteen female, my best friend, Hermione eighteen female, Catnus eighteen female,
Panthe seventeen female, and Regina George seventeen female. Maybe you

(17:35):
can tell where this is going. Me and my friends
all like to hang out in separate groups. No one
ever gets jealous or angry for doing this because we
all have very different schedules. By the way, this comes
from Suspicious Proof eighteen sixty And if you want to
smit your own stories, go to the araslash. Okay, storytime
separed it. I'm Sophia and I'm Savannah, and we're here
to give good advice. Goofley, But we don't have all

(17:55):
the answers. We only know what we'd do, So let
us know what you would do in the comments and
pieces A month or two before this incident, we all
went to Padme's house. I was driving, and on the
way there, Regina's mom called and was upset about how
fast I was going on the freeway. How does she know?

Speaker 7 (18:12):
I was just about to ask yo.

Speaker 3 (18:16):
Regina put her on speakerphone, and all I heard was
how I'm not a safe driver and I have no
idea what I'm doing. I didn't know what she wanted
me to do because I was literally driving on the freeway,
couldn't stop, and was only ten minutes away. Mind you,
this is also my car. Regina never told me I
wasn't allowed to go on the freeway, which I would

(18:36):
have accommodated for her if she had told me. And
she also never said that her mom had her location
on Life three sixty. This was an incident with Regina's
mom before everything else happened, so I feel like it's
important background information about her mother. I would literally just say, Okay, Regina,
I don't think I can drive you anymore because I'm
not going to change how I drive.

Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (18:56):
And also if your mom just doesn't think I'm a
safe driving yeah, then you know.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
That's like your relationship with her not really you know
it's not me. Now on to the actual story. This
particular weekend was Regina's birthday and we were all going
to her birthday party that Sunday. Our friend Padme lives
out of town, not super far, but when she comes
down we try to spend as much time with her
as possible. Pad May was going to be sleeping over

(19:20):
at Regina's house that weekend for all the birthday stuff,
but Regina never gave Padme an exact time. This is
very important for later. Me and a few of my friends, Catnus,
and Padme decided to hang out on a Friday since
everyone else in our group was busy, so it was
just the three of us. We were doing normal things

(19:41):
like going to the mall, getting food, just boring teenage
girl stuff. Padme told me that Regina never gave her
a time to be back, so I assumed I could
just drop Padme off later, or that Regina or her
mom didn't really care. We were driving back home because
it was around four, and pad May started saying that
Regina was texting her and getting upset that Padme wasn't

(20:03):
where she was supposed to be so Regina could pick
her up. This was confusing because Padme was updating her
the whole time and Regina didn't seem to have a
problem with it. At first, it felt like it's suddenly
escalated out of nowhere. It got to the point where
Regina ended up calling while I was driving and started
getting mad at Padme. I could hear Regina's mom on

(20:24):
the phone too, talking about how we were disrespecting our
time by not being backed by a certain time. I
could physically see Padme getting upset by the way Regina's
mom was speaking to her, and it made me uncomfortable.
So I said, Hey, Regina, it's no big deal. I'll
take Padme to your house. I don't want your mom
getting more upset. Apparently this was a horrible thing to say.

(20:45):
All I could hear in the background was how I
was being disrespectful. I'll admit when I'm disrespectful, and I
can apologize when I'm wrong, but I genuinely didn't even
say it in a rude tone. I was honestly confused
about what I did to upset her. I was annoyed, obviously,
but it's not like I was yelling or cussing at anyone.
If anything, I felt like I was doing her a

(21:06):
favor by going out of my way to make things
easier for her. After the call ended, I ended up
getting gas. While I was doing that, Regina called Padme
again just to get even more upset. At that point,
I was already frustrated and angry. Regina's mom was speaking
to Padme in a way that really bothered me. She

(21:26):
kept saying that pat may knew what time they were
supposed to pick her up and should have just stayed put.
I don't remember the exact wording because I was full
of adrenaline, but I remember being completely dumbfounded at how
harsh she was being. She was also talking about me
while I was literally right there. I ended up dropping
Padme off at Regina's house. Honestly, I did it just

(21:47):
to be the bigger person and get out of the situation.
After that, me and Catmus were sitting there, confused about
what had just happened. None of it made sense to
us at that point. I'm calm, I'm talking to my mom. Yeah,
like mom freaking Regina's mom is being weird and rude. Yeah,
like blah blah Blah's mom yell yelled him. Yeah, she

(22:08):
just yelled at me and Padmey for like me dropping
Padmey off. Later that night, Regina texted me and said
that her mom wasn't comfortable with me being in her
house for the party because I was disrespectful. All of
my other friends were still invited because, according to her,
they didn't do anything wrong. That really hurts. I told
my best friend, Hermione, everything that had happened, and she

(22:29):
decided she would rather hang out with me than go
to the party. Cat and is almost hung out with
us too, but Padmey was stuck at Regina's house so
she couldn't. That made the whole thing feel even worse.
Regina then texted me again and said that if I
apologized to her mom, I would be able to come
to the party. I told her it wasn't gonna happen. Normally,
I would just suck it up and apologize to keep

(22:51):
the peace, but after hearing the way her mom spoke
to me, I felt like I didn't owe her anything.
I always tried to respect my elders, but it gets
to a point where if someone is acting like a
victim in a situation they created, I'm not going to
apologize just to make them feel better. Later that weekend,
Padme told me that Regina's mom kept going on and

(23:12):
on about how disrespectful I was, how rude I am,
and basically said every insult she could think of. That
honestly hurt me more than I expected. Later that week,
I talked to Regina about everything, and we almost work
things out. Okay, you were on the precipice of working
things out that her mom came in was like, are

(23:33):
you talking to that rude girl again? I don't understand
what the mom's gaining. Sure, I think she's just like
controlling mom and if like.

Speaker 5 (23:42):
She's not influenced, yeah, and you need to stay away
from her.

Speaker 3 (23:46):
When Regina asked me if I wanted to stay friends,
I genuinely didn't know how to answer. I told her
I needed time to think about it. A couple of
hours later, she decided to end the friendship entirely. That
caught me off guard. In the time we sent back
and forth, Regina genuinely believed I was being disrespectful. She
also told me I had no right to talk because

(24:08):
it wasn't my situation. This really confused me because the
entire thing was happening in my car while I was driving.
Regina even asked me earlier if I could take Padme
to her house, so I didn't understand how it suddenly
wasn't my situation. I mean, I just think this mom's weird.

Speaker 5 (24:25):
I don't know what her issue is, and like trying
to like separate a make a teenager feel bad two
teenagers Like.

Speaker 3 (24:34):
Yeah, the thing is, you know, I don't believe that
op was being disrespectful, but like it's it's somewhat believable that,
you know, Regina's mom thought she was being disrespectful and
was like, well, you know, I don't want this bad influence. However,
the way that she was treating Padme is kind of
I would like if I were Padme's mom, I'd be.

Speaker 4 (24:54):
Like, uh, you're not.

Speaker 3 (24:55):
I'm I'm freaking going off at that woman. She brought
me into by using my name and offering up my
car without asking me first. She also texted Hermione and
basically dropped her as a friend, even though Hermione wasn't
in the car and had nothing to do with what happened.
She never said anything to Catnus, which made it even
more confusing. It's been a couple of months since all

(25:17):
of this happened. And I hate to admit it, but
I miss Regina. I keep wondering if I genuinely did
something wrong to make her mom hate me. Me and
the rest of the group are still friends, and we
talked about this again the other day, which made me
rethink everything. I just feel like I need outside perspective.
Did I actually do something wrong? Here? Am I the

(25:38):
A hole? Not how I see it? Yeah?

Speaker 5 (25:41):
I mean maybe, like there's information that you didn't give us,
But I mean I don't think that you're the A
hole in this situation with all the information that's there. Yeah,
I don't think that you're the a I think mom, Regina's.

Speaker 3 (25:55):
Mom, Yeah, Gina, George's mom is the A hole? Sounds
like it a polar you'd be in the A hole here.

Speaker 6 (26:02):
to the next one.

Speaker 5 (26:06):
I co founded a business with my best friend and
it nearly destroyed my health.

Speaker 3 (26:10):
Well, I guess you gotta end that business.

Speaker 5 (26:13):
I co founded a creative business with a close friend,
but over time, the relationship became deeply unbalanced and emotionally unsafe.
Repeated attempts to communicate and set boundaries failed am I
CPTSD symptoms worsened to the point where I faint when
trying to confront them. The business continues without my input
despite us being co owners. I've realized I needed to

(26:34):
step away from my physical and mental health, but I
feel guilty because we're struggling too. By the way, this
comes from throwaway tissues. And if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime
subre at it.

Speaker 3 (26:46):
I'm Savannah, I'm Sophia.

Speaker 5 (26:48):
And away all he had to give some good advice, Gooflee.

Speaker 4 (26:51):
But we don't have all the answers.

Speaker 5 (26:52):
We'd only tell you what we would do in this situation,
but we would love, love, love love to know what
you would do in the comments. As opcas, I early twenties,
am disabled and suffer with CPTSD. I promise this is relevant.
I co founded a creative business with my best friend
early thirties several years ago. At start, we were genuinely close,

(27:14):
and over time our lives became deeply intertwined. We spent
so much time together that I was essentially living with them,
only really going home for a day or two at most.
We shared finances, not by my choice, as they always
needed money and spent mine, and I invited them to
all family holidays, so.

Speaker 3 (27:31):
We shared finances. You mean I gave them money, Yeah,
not by my choice. Yeah, that's so funny. It's like, yeah,
we were splitting finances in the sense that they were
taking all my money.

Speaker 5 (27:44):
They would often mention that they were too stressed to
keep up with cleaning, as they have a hoarding problem,
so I started doing small chores around the house because
I wanted to help. They also opened up to me
very vaguely about past traumas, and because of this, I
did my absolute best to care for and support them
in any way I could. This included doing chores and
taking on extra responsibilities to relieve.

Speaker 3 (28:05):
A bit of their stress.

Speaker 5 (28:07):
However, this dynamic quickly became codependent, unhealthy, and unsafe. Everything
I did out of care or support slowly became an
expectation rather than something appreciated. This friend does not have
a job and is not in school. The only thing
they have going on right now is the business. Because
of that, I became responsible for all household duties, managing

(28:30):
the business, working part time, and being in school, along
with my own household responsibilities at home, my own responsibilities
were completely neglected because I was spending so much time
with this friend. All of this was happening while I
was in constant physical pain due to my disability and
completely burnt out from the weight of everything. Eventually, I

(28:51):
quit my job and put school on hold to focus
on the business and supporting my friend.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
We can't be quitting our job and putting school on
hold because your friend and can't get their crap toge. Yeah,
we can't be doing that if it was because you
actually wanted to, you know, work on the business, and
you're like, this is my full time thing, and I
believe in this. Sure, yeah, but it seems like you're
doing it primarily because you're like, Oh, my friend needs help,

(29:17):
I need to help them. No terrible reason for that.

Speaker 5 (29:20):
I then became responsible not only for tasks, but also
for supporting and managing their stress and frequent outburst of
frustration and anger.

Speaker 3 (29:28):
Why why are you doing all this?

Speaker 5 (29:31):
Yes, you're getting nothing out of it but pain in stuff.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
I eve been a relationship. It's just like a friendship,
except you have to pay for everything.

Speaker 5 (29:38):
I value communication deeply in all of my relationships because
I believe it is the only way to solve conflict.
Anytime there was an issue, I would bring it up
so we could talk through it. Over the years, we
had the same conversations repeatedly, and each time the behavior
stayed the same. Whenever I tried to express my own
stress boundaries or need for space, the conversations would immediately

(29:59):
shift to how lonely, overwhelmed, or hurt my friend felt.
If you know the Ackerman darvo, which I learned about
through the situation after love one pointed it out to me,
that is exactly what happened every single time I brought
up a concern. It's a deny attack, reverse victim and offender.
Oh my god, yeah, wait, yeah, wow, that's the thing.

(30:24):
Each conversation ended with me hyperventilating, sobbing, going nonverbal, and
having a trauma response.

Speaker 3 (30:31):
They would keep.

Speaker 5 (30:32):
Talking even after I said I could not continue, and
although I would offer to revisit the conversation later, I
eventually stopped bringing things up because it always ended the
same way. Because of this, over time, my mind and
body learned that advocating for myself came with emotional consequences.
I started minimizing my needs and shutting down to avoid

(30:53):
inevitable conflict. This took a serious toll on my health.
I already have severe CPTs D, and this dynamic caused
my symptoms to significantly worsen, especially during conflict or communication
with this person. At this point, asserting boundaries or addressing conflict,
even over text, has triggered my body and mind to
completely shut down. I have fainted and nearly fainted multiple

(31:17):
times after trying to assert boundaries or have difficult conversations.
My nervous system learned over time that fight, flight or
freeze did not work, so faint became the last option.
This has made it increasingly difficult and now impossible to
function as a co owner or even a friend in
the same way. I asked for changes, support and temporary

(31:38):
breaks many times over the years, and the pattern never shifted.
No matter how I approached it, nothing truly changed. As
it stands now, the business continues moving forward without my
input whatsoever, despite me begging for a break. Crucial business
decisions have been made without consulting me. Even though we
are co owners. I feel no respect from them, and
I am treated more like an employee than any cool

(32:00):
I was always expected to catch up after decisions were
already made, instead of being consulted beforehand. I always consulted them,
but they but that respect was never returned. They would
book events, bring new people into the business, or make
financial decisions without telling me, which has been the most
damaging part. I would only find out after everything was
already in motion. Many times I had to ask what

(32:23):
was going on, and only then would I be told.
As things became busier and more stressful, they continued making
decisions that put the business or us in bad situations.
I tried to slow things down and asked for breaks.
Many times. Each time I asked for a break, the
focus shifted back to how much pressure my friend was
under or how deeply affected they were by my need

(32:44):
for space.

Speaker 3 (32:45):
Clearly OP is way more affected. If she's fainting, yeah,
I think. I think OP just immediately went ups any
of their friend's issues. They're like, I haven't had my
coffee yet, Yeah, like you like that. I'm like passed out.
I'm literally on the floor, yeah, not breathing, I'm not conscious.
So my boundary for a temporary break was twisted into

(33:09):
me abandoning them or abandoning the business. Now even asking
for a pause feels unsafe because past requests were framed
as me not caring. I feel trapped and powerless in
a situation I helped great but no longer recognize. After
a lot of reflection, trauma therapy, and distance, I realize
that I feel significantly better both mentally and physically when

(33:30):
I am not in contact with them. My body finally
feels safe, which is something I have not felt in
a very long time. I still care about them deeply
and do not believe.

Speaker 5 (33:38):
They are malicious. I believe they are acting from their
own unresolved trauma, but that does not excuse the harm caused.
For the sake of my physical and mental healing, I
need to take time away from both them and the business.
I am terrified to ask for a hiatus, but I
feel powerless and afraid of the fallout. My business no

(33:59):
longer feels like my own, and I am heartbroken. That's
such an important friendship and part of my life. No
longer feel safe. I worry that from their perspective, I
am abandoning someone who is struggling.

Speaker 3 (34:09):
Girl, you're struggling. Back to me, I guess you're struggling.
That's it. I mean Opie says like, Oh, I don't
want to abandon somebody struggling. You are struggling. Yeah, you
can't help her, You're passing out every time you talk
to her. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (34:25):
I feel like the only clear solution here is to
just be rid of it. I don't want you to
get rid of your business, obviously, because that is you
know your business as well as theirs. But if it
means that you will ultimately be able to be happier
and healthier, then this might be the right direction.

Speaker 3 (34:40):
Yeah. Agreed.

Speaker 5 (34:42):
They have often confided in me about their fear of
abandonment due to their own past trauma, and I do
not want to reinforce that fear. But that is not
I hate when people use that excuse. I get that,
I get that there is fear of abandonment, but you
also have to recognize what you do as well. At
the same time, the situation has become so severe that

(35:03):
taking time away feels like my only option. I feel
immense guilt for needing space to heal. Everyone I have
spoken to has told me to leave, that this dynamic
is unhealthy, and that my friend is manipulative. I feel
torn because this is my best friend of many years
and we built something together that meant everything to me.

Speaker 3 (35:21):
I do not know what the right thing to do is.

Speaker 5 (35:23):
I guess my question is am I the a hole
for stepping away from my best friend and passion project
in order to heal?

Speaker 3 (35:30):
Please do that?

Speaker 4 (35:31):
Please?

Speaker 5 (35:33):
I don't think that you are the a whole, Like, oh,
if you truly believe that you're being an a hole
for putting yourself first and for not you know, like
because for so many years you've been doing this, You've
been putting yourself to the side and helping your friend
with financial things, with emotional, with mental, with physical, like

(35:56):
all of it. You are the caretaker for this person.
That's not it's not friends, it's a caretaker relationship, like
it's not you are like obviously they care for you deeply,
you care for them, But in the end, it's not
going to help you because you're the one constantly getting hurt.

Speaker 4 (36:12):
You're the one feeling.

Speaker 5 (36:13):
Bad like all of the bad things are happening to you,
and in order for you to stop it, you have
to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, that is just the
way that it is.

Speaker 6 (36:23):
to the next one.

Speaker 8 (36:26):
Hey, keyon here, we're going to get back to the stories,
but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

Speaker 2 (36:31):
I'm considering canceling my husband's birthday after he ruined mine.

Speaker 7 (36:36):
Oooh, I for not, buddy boy.

Speaker 4 (36:39):
I only have four days to make a decision.

Speaker 2 (36:41):
I've been going back and forth trying to decide if
I should cancel my husband's birthday reservations that I made
for him at a really cool indoor golf place, followed
by his dinner reservations. He's always commented on wanting to
try both, and I thought it would make a nice gift.
His birthday is only a few days after mine. And
by the way, this comes from user No Penalty nine
to eighty three six. And if you want to submit

(37:02):
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay Storytime
subbred it.

Speaker 4 (37:05):
I'm Dakota him.

Speaker 8 (37:06):
Anjie and I'm Vincent, and we're here to give good
advice goofly, But we don't have all the answers, So
if you've got answers of your own, why don't you
let them be known down in the comments below.

Speaker 4 (37:17):
For Christmas, he legitimately took the.

Speaker 2 (37:19):
Time to buy and wrap me a box of diapers
for our daughter in the next size up and presented
it to me as my gift.

Speaker 4 (37:27):
I'm still angry about that.

Speaker 2 (37:29):
By the way, no gag gifts for Christmas have never
been a thing between us. Last year he got me
a spatula, and I thought this year he would do
better after the falling out we had over this bachelor.
A little bit of background information. Our daughter is now
two months old and we have been working on replacing
the floor and painting our home since before she was born,
with the goal of having it done before she can crawl.

(37:51):
Over the summer, he did the nursery floor, and in
the fall, a week before she was born, he did
the flooring in our older son's room. Mind you, the
flooring was given to us for free from my dad,
and my dad bought my husband his own miter saw
for Christmas so we would no longer have to borrow his.

Speaker 4 (38:09):
I do all the painting.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
This past week, as we have been clearing things out
of our bedroom for me to do the painting and
him to do the flooring, he brought up my birthday.
He said, Wow, all this work for your birthday gift?
I said, excuse me.

Speaker 4 (38:22):
What gift, he.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
Said, all the work of putting the flooring in our bedroom.
But don't worry, I'll still do a dinner for you
and we can invite your mom and my family. What
do you want me to cook? I said, I would
just like to have a quiet birthday dinner with you,
me and the kids at Longhorngetay Cass then come home
and watch a movie together. Also, the flooring is not

(38:43):
my gift. This is something we've been planning to do
for a year, and with the house torn up, I
don't want to host anyone, especially after hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We don't even have a place for people to sit.
I'm currently sleeping on the mattress on the floor. Plus,
I'm not a fan of your brother coming over. So
you two can sit and drink while I watch our
kids and his. He said no, he was going to

(39:04):
cook at home and asked me to tell him what
I wanted. I said, okay, I want steak, mashed potatoes,
and green beans. But there's a problem here. He can't
make mashed potatoes to save his life and only likes
green beans if they're boiled like fresh green beans. Slowly
sauteed with olive oil, garlic and herbs. So if I
want them cooked this way, I'll have to do it.
He said, no, we're not doing steak. It'll cost too much.

(39:25):
If the family comes over, I'll just do chicken.

Speaker 4 (39:27):
I lost it. I said again, for my birthday, I
don't want.

Speaker 2 (39:32):
People over, and he kept arguing, and I said, fine,
do what you want for my birthday.

Speaker 4 (39:38):
Side note, last year he ordered the traditional tre leches cake,
but with peaches. I hate peaches. He likes peaches. I
like strawberries.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
Plus, my name was spelled wrong on the birthday cake
and he thought it was hilarious. I am now seriously
considering canceling his birthday, golf outing and dinner reservations, leaving
home if he and invites his family for my birthday,
buying him a box of diaper wipes and presenting it
with a card that says, happy birthday. I painted the
house for you. Would I be the a hole? Not

(40:08):
the a hole for canceling. But people tell her that
she is an a hole for staying with someone who
clearly doesn't like her or cares about her.

Speaker 4 (40:14):
There's gonna be more.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
He can't just be like this all the time right,
because I do know some people.

Speaker 4 (40:19):
I mean I used to be one of them.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
When I was a younger, dumber person, I was terrible
with birthdays. And it was because I was like projecting
my own feelings about my birthday onto other people's birthdays
and being like, well, it's just a day.

Speaker 4 (40:32):
It's like whatever, Like I can you can do something
now for someone whenever?

Speaker 2 (40:35):
And it's like, yeah, I had to get past that.
But I don't know how old this guy is. I
doubt he's like nineteen. We've got some comments from Op.

Speaker 4 (40:43):
About two weeks after Christmas last.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
Year, when I had time to relax, I asked him
for a genuine answer about this spatula as a gift
and what the heck he was thinking. He said that
he was at the store and saw that it was blue,
the type of blue I like, and he thought of
me and thought that it would match the utensil holder
and our blue Micae wave that I found in the
store one day and geeked out over. He said he
thought I would like it because of the pretty blue color.

(41:06):
That's about as deep as the thought went. He said
that he never thought the gift would be sexist or
implied that I had to do more cooking for him
to make up for dispatchelor. Though he did go out
and buy me the Kitchen Aid stand up mixer I
had my eye on for over two years. I was
really happy about it until.

Speaker 4 (41:21):
He said, so, when are you gonna make me some
homemade bread?

Speaker 2 (41:24):
We had the talk about never ever, ever buying kitchen
appliances for someone as a gift unless directly asked for
that kitchen things used by the whole family is not
a gift for one person. When I'm no longer angry
about the diapers, I'll be able to calmly ask him
after the twenty twenty four Christmas batulate debacle, what were
you thinking gifting me diapers in twenty twenty five? I mean, dang,

(41:46):
I'm thinking if this is how it's gonna be, we
might just make it a pact to buy each other
practical gifts for the home. No more disappointment that way.
And there is an update birthday plans. I have since
logged in and canceled his birthday golf outing and dinner
reservations for next week. Tomorrow is my birthday and his
day off work, so he will be watching the baby
as I have also booked myself for a ninety minute massage.

(42:06):
After that, I'll be stopping my Starbucks for my favorite
drink and one hour of uninterrupted time with my new
book that my son got me for Christmas.

Speaker 4 (42:13):
Then I'll be picking him up from school and taking
him to go see a movie.

Speaker 2 (42:17):
I will round off the day by coming home, taking
a long, hot bubble bath, ordering door dash, and ending
my day holding baby girl. That sounds like an amazing
birthday to me. For him, I'll just be getting in
my card that reads happy Birthday, I painted the house
for you. The bag will contain a case of diaper wipes.
If he looks disappointed, I will just tell him I
canceled the golf outing and dinner reservations and instead got

(42:37):
this bulk pack of wipes, the perfect gift to accompany
the box of diapers you got.

Speaker 4 (42:42):
Me for Christmas. And he will get the message in
terms of divorce.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
For the people advocating for divorce and booting him out,
leaving him with kids in the middle of the night,
claiming that he isn't a good husband to me and
father to our baby, please know that you only got
one little limpse into our life. He is a loving
and caring father to our children. We struggled with infertility
for a very long time, so this baby was a surprise,
but we welcomed the blessing. Every day I feared that
I might pass away during labor as my pregnancy was

(43:07):
high risk. He took a month off of work to
care for me as I recovered from third degree tearing
in a bruised tailboat. Every night, he does the nighttime routine, bath, pajama,
story time, and rocks Bibby Girl to sleep. While he
does that, I do the house reset, dishes, garbage sweep.
He wakes with me for all her feedings and prioritizes
my sleep over his to make sure that I.

Speaker 4 (43:26):
Am rested enough to care for our daughter during the day.

Speaker 2 (43:28):
So, yeah, it sounds like this guy is just really
bad at gifting, yeah, and really bad at being I
don't know he's bad at birthday, said babe, it's my birthday?

Speaker 4 (43:37):
Yeah, I would you asked.

Speaker 2 (43:38):
Me what I want for dinner for my birthday and
then you say no, So why did you ask me?

Speaker 4 (43:44):
I see how that's not lining up right?

Speaker 7 (43:47):
You know, have a straightforward conversation.

Speaker 3 (43:49):
Please, this is.

Speaker 2 (43:50):
The same man who during pregnancy cooked me breakfast every
morning and massaged my feet every night before he leaves
for work. Every day, he'll make sure I have time
to self care, like shower, brush my teeth, and eat
breakfast and pump it before handing me the baby. If
she's awake, then he will make sure I'm happy on
the couch with baby girl and anything I could need
before he leaves. The blanket, the remote, the water cup,

(44:13):
my phone, my phone charger, a clean binkie and bottle
of a baby. As soon as he gets home from work,
he'll take her and give me thirty minutes to myself
before we start talking dinner plans. You make a good
team when it comes to daily life. I don't have
to make him lists of things to do. I like
that when we're low on milkill, just pick it up
on his way home without having to be asked. And
he doesn't wait for a thank you like he did
me some big favor the way I've seen other men

(44:35):
seek gratitude for doing basic tasks. He sucks at gift
giving and this year and last year. So yes, I'll
be doing nothing for him for his birthday, despite the crappy,
thoughtless gift and non birthday birthday plans. I will be
holding off on kicking him out and just matching his.

Speaker 4 (44:51):
Energy for his birthday.

Speaker 2 (44:53):
For Christmas twenty six, I think I'll get him Anika
toddler bed to assemble for our daughter and call it
a day.

Speaker 4 (44:58):
And there is a bird Day update. Yesterday was my birthday.

Speaker 2 (45:03):
I'll be surprised me with breakfast out at my favorite
local spot and we did a home depot run four
more flooring. After that, I did go for my massage.
It was wonderful, and I did stop at Stallbuck for
my free drink. I didn't have time to sit and
read before I had to pick my boy up from school.

Speaker 4 (45:20):
But that's okay. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (45:21):
Doesn't sound like this is leave him divorce, like he's
a psychopath and he hates you, doesn't rub.

Speaker 4 (45:27):
It's just like this one thing he is really bad at.
I would be really upset about the dinner, not gonna lie.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Somebody else brought that up. Yeah he has had a chance.
And then he was like, uh no, I'm.

Speaker 4 (45:38):
Not gonna make you your dinner.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
I can't buy steak for your mom and dad or
my mom and dad.

Speaker 4 (45:45):
It's too much steak it's too expensive, Like does he.

Speaker 9 (45:47):
Just think that, Like, oh, well, we've been married for
a while, so like we just don't need to do
romantic things anymore.

Speaker 3 (45:53):
Like you already know that I love you?

Speaker 4 (45:55):
That does that? Does happen?

Speaker 3 (45:57):
Yeah?

Speaker 9 (45:57):
Like I could see it being something like that because
he's seems to be giving this care in towards like
the kids and stuff. But obviously they're kids. It's like different,
but maybe he needs a reminder.

Speaker 7 (46:07):
They're like, hey, we're still dating.

Speaker 9 (46:08):
I know we're also married, but like we could still
go out on dates. You still do nice romantic things
to me. For me, that still means a lot.

Speaker 2 (46:15):
Instead of going to see a movie at the theater,
we came home and began a Harry Potter movie marathon.

Speaker 4 (46:20):
I love Harry Potter.

Speaker 2 (46:23):
However, my son, without my knowing, and texted my dad
and my best friend to come over and surprise me
with a visit. He didn't know I had already had
my best friend and her niece scheduled to come over
to look through a pile of clothes before I took
a large hall to donate at the Salvation Army. It
was so much fun watching her niece try on dresses.
We wrapped up the night with some pizza and cheesy bread.
Hubby surprised me with a little gift, two new books,

(46:46):
a pack of my favorite cookies, and a squishy niffler
that I can add to my Harry Potter bookshelf.

Speaker 3 (46:52):
Okay, I was like what.

Speaker 4 (46:54):
Overall, I had a great day and that's the end
of that story.

Speaker 9 (46:57):
My wife developed a new intense friendship and I feel
like I'm losing her.

Speaker 2 (47:03):
You just gotta get a big bucket of cold water
and throw it on both of them.

Speaker 9 (47:06):
My wife and I have two daughters and have been
together for almost twenty years. She took up ballet this
past year and really loves it. She had been stuck
with finding a physical activity she enjoyed and had danced when.

Speaker 7 (47:16):
She was younger, so this was perfect fit for her.

Speaker 9 (47:19):
By the way, this comes from Shaka Poopoo nineteen seventy two.

Speaker 3 (47:24):
You lest a bit yea.

Speaker 7 (47:26):
Her own story is go to the r slash. Okay, sorry,
time suppered it.

Speaker 2 (47:29):
And I'm Angie, I'm thea Koda, and I really wish
I was Shaka Poo pooh.

Speaker 8 (47:34):
And I'm vincent, and I also wish I was Shaka
poop poo.

Speaker 7 (47:36):
And we're all here to give good advice.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
Goofily to Shaka poop poo. But we don't know everything.

Speaker 7 (47:42):
We don't have all the answers.

Speaker 9 (47:43):
So let us know what you would do in the comments.
She became very close with the other adults in her class,
especially her instructor, Rachel. She is single with no children,
but according to my wife, has dated a lot of
younger effeminine men. When I first met Rachel, my impression
was that she was a sapphik. That was also the
impression of some of my wife's other female friends as well.
My wife insists that she isn't but.

Speaker 3 (48:04):
Right all wrong.

Speaker 9 (48:05):
That was our general takeaway. Obviously there isn't anything wrong
with that. But she has really latched onto my wife.
They see each other at dance class about four times
a week and hang out a lot afterwards and in
between after class, Rochelle has her over to watch TV
shows and they constantly text throughout the day. Just last Friday,
after spending all day with her decorating her house for Christmas,
she texted me last minute that she was going to

(48:26):
stay longer to watch Christmas movies with her. She has
inserted herself in our lives in.

Speaker 3 (48:30):
A way that isn't normal for me.

Speaker 9 (48:32):
When I go out of town on business, she comes
over to our house and spends the night and even
brings her pet ferrets with her. My opinion is that
Rachel is emotionally love bonding my wife. She is naive
about her feelings, insisting that she's straight, but admits to
enjoying the extra attention.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
I don't think it would ever turn.

Speaker 9 (48:47):
Physical, but a lot of the things that she and
I used to do together she's now doing with her.
My wife's other friends have expressed concern about the intensity
of their friendship as well. I've always supported her having friends,
but I'm not sure how to move forward. I have
a few close friends that I see on occasion, but
they're all married with children like we are, and are
all busy with what that entails. I just really miss
my wife, and there are some comments here.

Speaker 7 (49:09):
Beautiful Boot says, have you told your wife that.

Speaker 9 (49:12):
You miss her and that you want to do those
things with her? If she values you, then her response
would be that she wants the same thing. Then you
wouldn't limit her, but expressing your desire to be more
in touch I would be concerned if she doesn't want
to spend more time with you, considering that she has
escalated her relationship with her friend, then it sounds like
an affair. It's easier to hide an affair in a
same relationship since you may have looser boundaries about overnights

(49:34):
with women compared to men, but be aware of the signs.
It wouldn't be the first time a woman leaves another woman.
Unjun Jay says, Haha, I don't think I could ever
get my husband to willingly decorate the house with Christmas
stuff or watch Christmas movies with me opie. I would
personally be so sad if my husband told me to
end a friendship with someone who wants to spend all
this time with me doing stuff like I'd like to do,

(49:57):
and then my husband wasn't willing to fill in doing
those same things. I sometimes feel kind of lonely in
my marriage because he genuinely hates my hobbies and is
so busy gaming. Having a Bessie that wants to do
fun stuff would.

Speaker 3 (50:08):
Be so nice.

Speaker 9 (50:09):
If I got one and hubby was jealous that I
was finally having fun and not lonely, it would really
hit me hard. Opie says she decorated her house with
her Christmas has always been special and sacred in our home.
I spent three days hanging lights and putting up a
tree in our home.

Speaker 3 (50:23):
We have a.

Speaker 9 (50:23):
Yearly tradition of watching our favorite our favorite Christmas movies
as a family. Just two nights ago, I suggested that
we all watch them together, but my wife said that
she was tired and went to bed, so it was
just me and the girls. Also, we went as a
family last Saturday to see The Nutcracker, but she and
Rachel are going again to see it together this weekend.
Rocklemb says, well, you know your wife, will she at

(50:44):
least entertain discussing your concerns without it leading to a fight.
Opie says, we discussed it last night, not the first time,
and it led to a fight.

Speaker 3 (50:52):
Oh wow.

Speaker 9 (50:53):
We made up, but nothing has been resolved. She was
going through her Perry menopause and said that it's making
her feel insane, trying to get her treatment for it.
I told her that once she has some relief, we
can come back to this and work on it. Go
thirty two fifty five says tell her humans doing stuff
with her, but don't just drop the problem on her doorstep.
Have and make a plan to do things with your wife. Clearly,

(51:14):
your wife has free time, so plan to spend some
of it with her. Plan and take her on a date,
go away for a long weekend. Opie responds, I've done
all that. This has been going on first several months already.
It seems she's enjoying spending time with me less and less.
Every opportunity she has to go to a class or
just hang with Rachel, she takes it.

Speaker 7 (51:32):
Commenters discuss spicy proclivity.

Speaker 9 (51:35):
Opie says, yes, I have told her, and we used
to do all of those things together.

Speaker 3 (51:39):
Those things have been redacted.

Speaker 9 (51:40):
We've always said we were each other's best friend. Now
she has a new best friend. I'm not worried about
it turning physical. My wife just isn't wired that way.
But there is definitely an emotional connection between them that
makes me uncomfortable. Ostrich's Turbulent thirty one twenty says, I
wouldn't be so naive, Opie. You can't be completely sure
how she's wired, and these new feelings she's discovering what
they might lead to. Extra Trouble says, I'm sorry to

(52:04):
tell you this, but for women, especially women that are
going through something like perimenopause, it's different. He's already having
an emotional affair. For women, this is the foundation of everything.
Since we're more close to our feelings and hormones highlights
this even more. It'd be a matter of time when
the seeds of doubt start to blue in her head
about her own spicy proclivity. Kelsey Stash says, you need
to be wives don't choose to do things with their

(52:26):
friends instead of their husband and family when it's things
that they've always done with them. Rachel is just like
another man coming on to your wife. It's not an
appropriate relationship, and it certainly isn't okay to have her
sleeping in your home. Perimenopause doesn't last a couple of months.
You really want this to get much worse over the
coming months.

Speaker 3 (52:41):
You don't, You will.

Speaker 9 (52:43):
Resent her so much and you will check out of
the marriage.

Speaker 3 (52:45):
Then it's done.

Speaker 9 (52:47):
Then some commenters get sidetracked by the ferrets.

Speaker 2 (52:51):
Yes, yes, the ferrets habits, the ferrets of the ladies
who like ladies.

Speaker 3 (52:58):
Yes.

Speaker 7 (52:59):
Lady Loving Pale Register says that is it right there?

Speaker 9 (53:03):
Ope, The overnight stays with ferrets while you're away is
a huge red flag, Like, who does that in a
normal friendship? Your gut is telling you something, and your
wife's other friends are seeing it too. Time for a
direct conversation about boundaries and what you both need from
your marriage. Tachi seven says, Okay, the fact that this
person has ferrets is maybe.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
The reddest of flags. JK.

Speaker 9 (53:23):
Kind of, but to be honest, I have sleepovers with
my best friends when our husbands are out of town.
We have a guest room, and it's great because then
we're not lonely and we can watch trash TV and
drink wine without having to drive home.

Speaker 3 (53:33):
I'm just saying.

Speaker 9 (53:34):
Thirty four says, right, the sleepovers aren't weird at all,
but the ferrets make it weird. Anecdotal, but I've never
met someone who owned ferrets that could be trusted as
a person.

Speaker 4 (53:44):
Okay, well that is fully anecdotal. That's not I don't
think ferrets make you shifty.

Speaker 9 (53:50):
A couple more comments, Sea monkey box Kicker says, as
a former manager of a pet store for five years
and someone who shies away from sweeping generalizations, I'm inclined
to agree to a degree.

Speaker 7 (54:01):
De Wolf says, show her this post.

Speaker 9 (54:03):
In responses, this may show her how her actions are
affecting her relationships with you and the kids. Where does
the friends sleep when she stays over? What are the
kids feelings on this situation? Do they see this as strange?
Opie says, they sleep in the same bed. My kids
seem indifferent about it. They're closer with their mom. Another
response is okay, Opie, all the evidence in front of you,

(54:25):
and I scrolled far enough to find that two grown
women are co sleeping. I know you were born at night,
but stop acting like it was last night.

Speaker 3 (54:32):
What are we really doing here?

Speaker 7 (54:34):
Are you the man at the house or not?

Speaker 9 (54:35):
And I'm not even suggesting she and her friendship because
this is obviously more than that.

Speaker 7 (54:40):
Your wife needs to make a choice her family or
her girlfriend.

Speaker 3 (54:43):
No in between.

Speaker 7 (54:44):
Update number two two days later.

Speaker 9 (54:46):
So I picked up our daughters fourteen and twelve, from
school yesterday, and on the way home, I just point
blank asked them what they thought about Rachel. I had
never discussed her with them before because they had always
acted as though they liked her.

Speaker 3 (54:57):
Well.

Speaker 7 (54:57):
I was definitely thrown for a loop.

Speaker 9 (55:00):
My twelve year old immediately said I can't stand her,
and my fourteen year old went on a whole rant
about how manipulative she is with her mom and how
she uses her. She said that she's always criticizing what
they our children eat and watch on television, and on
and on. They both said they love mommy's other friends
because they are like second moms to them, whereas Rachel

(55:21):
just wants her all to herself. My oldest even said
that she is very controlling of mommy by always telling
her not to do anything physical outside of dance class
so as to not injure herself and therefore be unable
to attend her classes. She also said Rachel always makes
my wife feel sorry for her about how little money
she has and that my wife pays for everything when

(55:41):
they do stuff together. I made a point of just
listening and to not try to steer the conversation. Basically,
every concern I have, they have two and then some wow, wow,
this is interesting.

Speaker 2 (55:55):
For Yeah, it looks like the ferret Queen is not
to be trusted.

Speaker 7 (56:00):
No, it's worse than we thought.

Speaker 3 (56:02):
I think she's.

Speaker 2 (56:04):
She's got twelve ferrets and she's only taken two over
at a time, Right.

Speaker 3 (56:09):
She trades off which ferrets get to go with her.

Speaker 4 (56:13):
I can't afford to do anything. We would go out
because I have so many mouths Defeated.

Speaker 9 (56:17):
Home after that illuminating conversation, I thought a mini intervention
was in order, so when we got home, I just
let the girls repeat to my wife what they had
just shared to me.

Speaker 7 (56:26):
I could see the color go out of my wife's
face as they.

Speaker 9 (56:29):
Told her their feelings. Apparently she thought they liked her too.
To her credit, she just listened to us and didn't
attempt to justify it or defend her. I reiterated to
her that she is definitely trying to pull her away
from us and using every emotional trick in the book
to manipulate and isolate her. I also told her about
this post and all the feedback that I received from
everyone here. My wife finally realized what's been happening, and

(56:51):
even said that she had noticed for some time how
Rachel will compliment her but also criticize her in the
same sentence, classic carrot and stick control tactic. She then
said that she felt really stupid for being sucked into
the situation, but has had her own suspicions about Rachel's
true identity and intentions for a while, but dismissed them

(57:11):
because she always tells her how much she loves meant So,
all that said, we're not there yet, but I am
very hopeful moving forward after the holidays, we're going to
start attending therapy together and hopefully get the tools we
need to fix what's broken. Thanks again for everyone's inside
and suggestions. This post was an excellent catalyst for change.
There are some final comments. Trespassers Will says, maybe not

(57:33):
exactly good news, but heartening development. Now that your wife
is catching on, I bet it will bother her that
much more. Best wishes to your family. Another commentary or
Supermarket says, Hiop, so your wife after listening to your
daughters and you suddenly realize the behavior of her friend.
Your wife's relationship with this person goes far beyond the
framework of friendship. It's good that she says so, But
before rejoicing you, I advise you to observe her actions

(57:56):
rather than her words. Will she always go see the
show with her? Will she you stay late? Will Rachel
come back to sleep at your place.

Speaker 7 (58:03):
When you won't be there, et cetera. It is good
to keep an eye out.

Speaker 2 (58:05):
I think all very relevant questions, all very important questions.
But it sounds like your wife is has seen the light.

Speaker 4 (58:12):
on to the next one.

Speaker 1 (58:15):
Hey, it's Carly Keon's girl friend here. We're gonna get
back to the stories. But here's three minutes of ads
from our sponsors.

Speaker 3 (58:23):
My husband constantly asks me to praise him, and I'm
getting tired of it.

Speaker 8 (58:28):
Who's a cool boy, He's a cool boy, he was
a good boy.

Speaker 3 (58:33):
It has been an ongoing thing lately where my husband
thirty mail will say in a condescending or sing song tone,
oh thank you, I appreciate you, husband's name, follow by
whatever task he is wanting praise for in the moment.
This story and it comes from Miss Kitty Cartoon And
if you want to smit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay storytime suburt it.

Speaker 4 (58:53):
I'm Sophia, Yeah, I'm Dakota.

Speaker 3 (58:55):
And I'm Vincent. We got Kean back here too, and
we're here to get good advice, scoof Ley. But we
don't have all the answers. We only know what we do.
So let us know what you do in the comments.
I twenty eight female, have always been fairly diligent about
telling my husband thank you for doing things that I
do appreciate him doing, like washing the dishes, starting the fire,
making dinner, and so on. I feel like I usually

(59:17):
do it at an appropriate point in the flow of
our lives, dealing with an eighteen month old and a
second on the way at five months when I notice,
with maybe a few exceptions for when my brain just
malfunctions entirely, this seems to be happening a lot more
lately because I'm pregnant again, pretty close to having the
first I feel really badly about not thanking him properly
for doing things like that, but sometimes they just slip

(59:38):
my mind. I kind of snapped today, though, because it
seems to be happening more frequently that he's requesting praise
for tasks he's completed around the house. Admittedly, I myself
have been slacking in this department a bit too much lately. Tonight, however,
was the final straw, and I wanted to address it.
I had been thinking about addressing this issue at other times,
because I do believe it to be in an issue

(59:59):
at a certain point that I thought would be more appropriate,
not when I was frustrated or annoyed in the moment,
but with how my brain has been lately, I probably
would have just forgotten about it again and let the
behavior continue to go seemingly unnoticed. I kind of snapped
at him a little tonight. I get home after my husband.
He gets home two hours before I do and relieves
our caregiver for our son, and we'll do chores and

(01:00:20):
play with him before I get home. Right now, due
to the time change, I get home after dark, and
it's another two hours until we put our son to bed.
We both work forty hours a week, with him sometimes
working fifty and I work on a four to ten schedule.
I walked in the door and was taking my shoes
and coat off, putting my purse down, all while trying
to appease our hyperactive dogs, trying to say hello to them,

(01:00:42):
and my son, who is the first thing I see
and look for when I get home, because of how
much I love how he greets me with a giant
grin every time. I had just gotten my shoes off
and had patted one of the dogs on the head
while calling out to my son to get a hug
and kiss, which he obliged. I pause to do that
with my coat and purse still hanging on me. I
set him down and walked over to the dining room

(01:01:02):
table to put my purseon coat down. When I heard
my husband say, is go to praise me phrase? I
took a breath, finish setting my stuff down, and while
repeating what he said, I said, thank you, husband for
starting the fire, which I always say sincerely. This pattern, however,
has started to deeply annoy me, and I finally addressed

(01:01:22):
it to him. I told him, you know when you
do that, you sound like a child. When you're saying that,
I mean, I do usually praise you when I notice
things you've done right. Gave me a look I interpreted
as slightly sheepish and maybe a little confused, which is
where I think I may have crossed the line. I
then said, you sound like a child when you do that. Mommy, mommy,
praise me. Tell me I did a good job.

Speaker 2 (01:01:43):
It's just like, you know, here's what we didn't get guy.
We needed to mix it up a little bit. You know,
you kept delivering the same you know, the same old
song and dance. Maybe you know you can only recycle
so many times, you know, before you can't.

Speaker 4 (01:01:55):
I don't think so. I think he's just a insecure
little boy.

Speaker 3 (01:01:59):
I don't even think it is in security. I think
he just you know, is maybe doing a lot around
the house more.

Speaker 2 (01:02:05):
No, he's just like I need to yeah whatever. Maybe
insecurity's not the right word, but I feel like it's close.

Speaker 3 (01:02:10):
I think, ope overreact here, but I am going to
give her more of a pass because she is pregnant
and probably is just kind of more you know, could
be more sensitive to some of the things he's doing,
more annoyed.

Speaker 2 (01:02:21):
So well, it's just the thing where it's like we
read his story earlier where it's like I like that
my husband goes and just gets the milk and doesn't
go where's my hello, where's my thank you? It's like,
if you do that for every single little thing, it's like, bro,
it's not worthy of praise, congratulations.

Speaker 4 (01:02:37):
You're doing the thing everyone has to do at some point. Yeah,
for someone.

Speaker 3 (01:02:42):
He was definitely upset after that, and maybe a little
hurt that I made fun of him. I think I
repeated it and he told me to shut up, though
I cannot remember exactly, but I know he has been
quieter tonight, likely giving me mostly the silent treatment, even
though he has talked with me here and there. I
wondered if I was the ale for addressing this pray
seeking behavior. I understand that probably not addressing in the

(01:03:04):
moment would have been the best choice, but I probably
would have forgotten to address it later due to playing
with our child, doing at dinner and the bedtime routine.
I am the type of person who has to get
the thought out in the moment or else I forget.
I also tend to come up with a good comeback
hours later and never tell the person because it's too late. Girl.

Speaker 4 (01:03:20):
Can you imagine? Could you imagine five hours later he's like, wait,
I got you. I gotta go back. It just comes
back around the corner. And by the way.

Speaker 3 (01:03:29):
Early Curly, why are we trying to think of a
good comeback for your husband to address an issue.

Speaker 4 (01:03:35):
For five hours to get right out of the shower
and you're like, you know what, I just thought of something.

Speaker 8 (01:03:40):
By the way, she's doctor stranging in that she's like,
I got the one, I got one.

Speaker 3 (01:03:45):
I've come to a bargain. I think that because I
had been thinking about addressing this issue for a while
and felt it was childish. That is why I expressed
it poorly. In this moment, I wondered if there was
a more mature way to get my point across? Am
I the ale?

Speaker 4 (01:03:58):
Truly?

Speaker 3 (01:03:59):
Any other way I would have been mature, more mature
than this?

Speaker 4 (01:04:02):
Is there some other way I could have gotten my
point across? Yes?

Speaker 3 (01:04:05):
Yes, yes, yes, Well.

Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
You could have challenged him to a physical match of
judo taekwondo?

Speaker 3 (01:04:12):
Does he praise you every time you do something? He
wants praise because he believes the jobs are yours and
he needs thanks for helping you. Opie says he does usually,
but I don't really seek it either, lol. Comment two says,
I mean you recognize that you weren't in the right
head space and snapped a little, But wtf is up
with your husband needing constant praise for doing basic life tasks?

(01:04:33):
Was he a huge participation trophy kid? He's the a
hole unless he also praises you constantly and when you
do stuff around the house. And I agree he wants
praise for doing things he thinks are your job. These
comments are not right, and I'm a little worried that
OPI is gonna read them and be like I was right.
I should yell at my husband. That's a healthy way
to communicate with your partner, and I'm worried about that.

Speaker 2 (01:04:54):
Yelling is never okay unless you're doing karate and you
go hush, and that's even that's not really Look.

Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
I thank my husband for doing things around the house,
and he thanks me. But we usually at least let
the other get their dang code off first. Sometimes we'll
be getting ready for bed and he'll say that was
a good dinner, thank you, Or if I'm busy rushing
around the next day, I might say, hey, I noticed
you ran the vacuum yesterday. I appreciate it. Validation on
demand is worthless. You should both be letting each other

(01:05:21):
know you appreciate what the other does. But it doesn't
have to be a write this very second thing. You
might point out that it would feel better for both
of you if you let you do it on your
time and sincerely, instead expecting you to perform validation like
you're a trained seal. And if you're forgetting gratitude, he
should initiate a conversation with you like an adult. This morning,
I got our usual good morning text from him, I

(01:05:41):
replied when I woke up to get ready for work,
saying I was really sorry for snapping at him and
was hoping we could have a better constructive conversation later
if he was up for it. He replied by reacting
to the message with a heart. I greatly appreciate all
the advice I received in the comments, and I've thought
about it a lot. I'm trying to gather my thoughts
for conversation I want to have. I plan to apologize
again in person for snapping at him and mocking him

(01:06:02):
while addressing my frustration. I also will apologize if I
have been forgetting to express gratitude for the things I appreciate.
I plan to express my two gratitude for how much
he contributes and how he has been picking up a
lot of my slack while I have been pregnant. Well,
this is not an excuse for not pulling my share
of the weight. I will explain my current level of
exhaustion with everything going on. I'll explain why I became

(01:06:24):
frustrated the fact that it feels excessive lately. The tasks
he's asking praise for are things he would normally do anyway.
And that I felt ambushed while trying to get settled
into the house. I'll also mention that he is mocking tone, passive,
aggressive expectations, and immediate demand for praise have been hurting
my feelings. I will also ask questions to understand him better.
What brought this on? Does he need validation at that

(01:06:47):
exact moment? Is it okay for me to express gratitude
in my own time? Is he seeking praise from somewhere else?
And how can I support him more?

Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
Yell at your husband less, talk to him more, talk more, husband.

Speaker 3 (01:07:01):
Don't let them know what you're against or what you're for.

Speaker 4 (01:07:04):
Husband. Be content in your toil. Not every action you
take deserves.

Speaker 2 (01:07:08):
A Goo, Google Baby, good job, gold start right on
the forehead.

Speaker 4 (01:07:16):
You don't need that every time.

Speaker 3 (01:07:17):
Finally, I plan to discuss solutions. I want to be
able to express appreciation freely on my own time after
getting home. If I forget, I would like him to
remind me or go through the tasks he accomplished in
a mature, constructive way. We will also discuss the division
of household labor, accounting for pregnancy and postpartum adjustments, making
more time for each other away from the kids and

(01:07:39):
ensuring our love languages are being met on both ends.
I will emphasize that major life events will require appropriate
communication moving forward. I appreciate the help from everyone in
formulating this conversation. Neither of us is perfect, and I
may return for advice if I mess up another situation.
Comment one says, so basically, he's allowed to act like
a child, and if you get frustrated by it, you

(01:08:00):
have to apologize. That comment is dumb.

Speaker 4 (01:08:02):
You should give that comment a gold star.

Speaker 3 (01:08:04):
I'm giving that comment a red thumbs down. I think
you should apologize and have an actual conversation with your
husband and he should apologize, and then we're good.

Speaker 4 (01:08:13):
I think you guys should get divorced.

Speaker 3 (01:08:14):
And move to the movie. Yeah, have you considered that?

Speaker 4 (01:08:17):
Have you considered space travel?

Speaker 3 (01:08:18):
But that's the end of that story, folks,

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I became my elderly friend’s CARETAKER…without even agreeing to it! -r/whatdoido | Reddit Stories | EP2654