My ex CHEATED and filed for divorce… and still expects me not to date! -r/survivinginfidelity | Reddit Stories | EP2661 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Angie and this is Carly, your favorite
Okay Storytime hosts, and we've got some great stories coming up.
But before that, we have a quick two minute break
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Speaker 2 (00:11):
My ex cheated and filed for divorce and still expects
me not to date. I was at work one month
since I found the evidence. I caught them on April first,
fourteen year marriage had been suffering from neglect. It worsened
after the accusation. The gas lit me completely. I wasn't
letting her have any friends outside of our marriage. YadA YadA,

(00:33):
jokes on me. They were spicy texting and had a
fantasy relationship that was hidden online. By the way, this
comes from User Society Different sixty five six and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay Storytime subren it. I'm Dakota, I'm Keon,
and we're here to give good advice. Goofly, But we
don't have all the answers. We only know what we know,
so let us know what you know in the comments.

(00:53):
A week back, I made an online dating profile, had
a couple of coffee dates, nothing serious, not into tended
to be. I want to find myself. I want some companionship,
though even if it is superficial. That isn't one of
my friends who won't touch me with a ten foot
poll or ask how are you holding up? Every time
I see them? I soon to be. X and I
were having dinner last night. Still have to live together

(01:15):
for another two and a half weeks and divorce is filed,
but there's a cooling period until mid October. We have
a kid who happened to be at a sleepover. She
made a statement regarding Christmas. I still want Christmas to
be a time we can come together. You have her
this year Christmas Eve and I get Christmas Day. But
I'd still like to be able to get together even
if you were dating someone else and brought them with

(01:37):
on Christmas Day. So my question to her, knowing I
have said, profile would you be okay with me dating
anyone else? By then she got upset, cried and ran off.
She came back and said she was just shocked to
hear it. I told her that I hope when she's ready,
she can find whatever happiness she can in life on
the other side of this, and I hope she would
feel the same for me. Cake eating right, I'm just

(01:57):
supposed to be a lonely, joyless person waiting to get
better or for her to be comfortable with the fact
that she left me, and I want to be appreciated
more than I have been since. I don't know, God
knows when I am forty two. I'm not a priest.
I'm not in a hurry to replace her. But is
there a too soon to just get out and enjoy
meeting people. I'm not trying to lead anyone on. I'm

(02:18):
trying to unspool a sixteen year bind. My known intention
is no expectations. How long did you all wait before
even talking to anyone again? I'm lonely and just want
something to bring me some joy. I can only meditate, read,
work out, go to work, eat and sleep so much.
I have hobbies. I just want to be able to
share some of my day with someone. Comment one, That

(02:39):
question was a trap. She wasn't saying it was okay
for you to date. She was checking to see if
you would be upset if she introduced the affair partner
to your daughter. As for your question, no, it is
not too soon to date by Christmas. There is no
set timeline that is better. You just have to be
cautious and honest so you don't get stuck with a rebound.
But that's on you, and what both you and your

(03:01):
ex are forgetting is what's best for the child. And
I can guarantee that it is not good for your
daughter to be tossed a new set of adults before
she has even come to grips with the divorce. So no,
neither one of you should bring a new partner or
date for Christmas. That is a great point, op he replies,
Oh absolutely, I agree. But me casually dating and not

(03:23):
being serious and only on my non custodial time is
fair game as far as I see it. And I
agree with that comment too. It's generally suggested that it
takes half the time of the relationship to heal. I
was with my cheater for nine years, so in theory
it should take me four and a half years to recover.
I don't intend to take that long. I'm working my
butt off to heel and find peace. It's been ten months,

(03:43):
and I know for a fact I'm not ready yet.
I don't want to bring my heartache into a new relationship.
Whoever I meet next deserves the best I can give.
Loneliness shouldn't be the reason you start dating. You need
to learn to love and live with yourself before you
move on. It may be casual for now, but what
if you meet someone you're really interested in pursuing before
your heal. Comment three says his ex wife is really manipulative.

(04:05):
She was already thinking about Christmas.

Speaker 1 (04:07):
Help.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
Your answer was spot on, OPI replied. Christmas came up
because in our custody plan, I would have Christmas Eve
this year. I had a plan trip to Cancun for
dental work and some warm weather for the three of us.
That has just turned into daughter and I. I still
need the dental work though. Comment four says your ex
is moving to live alone or is she going with
the affair partner? He's also married, right he left his wife?

(04:29):
Op says, no, her own place, not a fair partner.
He is married and is trying to repair with his wife.
I know this because I've heard it first and secondhand,
and I've met with him since. A reply to Opie's
comment says, have you spoken to his wife? OP says yes,
because of the gas lighting from the accusation. The moment
I found evidence. I sent it directly to her. It

(04:51):
turns out she was cheating on him as wells but
that's its own mess and not really my problem. I
met with him face to face a couple weeks back.
He happened to be on my birthday, of all days,
and accepted his apology, and I gave him enough space
and grace to find a way to move on with
his life. He actually spoke with me again just a
few days ago. She is not going back to him.
He's trying to reconcile his own marriage. He's also a

(05:11):
train wreck. He mentioned several times how sorry he is
and how ashamed of what he did, and how it
will affect my daughter. She's old enough to figure it
out what happened. I don't worry about them getting back together.
I think she's half heartily trying to reconcile without trying
to reconcile. Come at five says there is no set
timeline for too soon. The timeline is emotional. You need
to process the end of your relationships efficiently so that

(05:32):
you don't drag your emotional baggage into the next one.
For some people this is easy and quick, and for
others it's hard. And slow. It's hard to be objective
about your own emotions when you're living through them, So
talking with a therapist or a trusted friend who knows
you well could help you clarify whether you're ready for
a new serious relationship. If not, there's nothing wrong with
a casual relationship instead, as long as you're honest with

(05:53):
your new partner. And Op says, I honestly put this
one on Reddit because it was essentially a cut and
paste from my journal end for the morning. And I
do see a therapist, and I'm not trying to find
anything serious. I've been upfront with the people I've met.
It's funny because somehow I've attracted nothing but middle aged
divorcees with similar situations and unknown future plans.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
Called share trauma. Baby, Yeah, they know it, you know it.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
This makes for great coffee talk.

Speaker 4 (06:17):
Also, if you know if you have it's hard because
you see your partner moving on really quickly and you
you can't compare yourself to them, even though you a
fair partner, which doesn't help. But that shouldn't show you
or make it, you know, make you realize, Oh I
should rush, I should find someone too immediately.

Speaker 3 (06:33):
No, do that at your own pace.

Speaker 2 (06:34):
And there's an update. It's crazy. I started journaling just
before the divorce day save my intake form from the
marriage counselor I was trying to talk to about the
weird stuff going on two days before I actually found
out what I had known for months. And then I
continued to write like a lot. And now I get
to see how far I've come, even in thirty eight days,
and it brings me a lot of joy because I'm

(06:55):
so much better than I was. I'm still lost and
I'm still hurt, but less so in coming back stronger
than I ever would have known I could be. I
met the affair partner and forgave him, talk to him
a couple of times afterwards, trying to make sure he
doesn't hurt himself with bad habits because he's going through
it and I feel bad for him. Forgiveness is having
grace to give those that hurt you your honest best

(07:17):
wishes to heal, unmess themselves and make the best of
the life that they're still living. It's not over, it's
just different. Do better, be better, and the same for her,
I find some peace through the chaos. Be better and
get better. You've got a lot of life to live,
just not with me. Sixteen years is a lot to
throw away. I've got gratitude for what I got. It's
like she passed away that day without leaving the mortal coil.

(07:38):
So I move on and I find peace and happiness
and strength and sobriety, And that is an important one.
It's important to process and feel this and not mask
it or cover it up. Your problems will still be
there when you wake up, no matter if you fall
asleep at the bottom of the bottle or not. If
you're in the thick of it, feel it, make it,
make you a better person, build back stronger and with
a renewed sense of purpose and love because you love

(08:00):
yourself more than you thought you did. And someday someone
really lucky is going to get to experience that, and
your new deeper zest and passion for life will make
that so much more fulfilling instead of whatever that person
who left will never get to feel right about something
daily and go back and read it because it's powerful
to see your strength and your weakest moments. If you
need help, hit me up. I'm happy to lend a

(08:21):
hear to anyone in this community because I have so
much compassion for those of us that have been through it.
Everything will be all right, just old time. And we've
got another update and it sounds like, oh, Pee is
feeling themselves a little bit.

Speaker 4 (08:31):
Yeah, And I feel like you're getting a lot of support,
real truths and real comments from the internet. I think
this is opening your eyes and it's helping you help
me out a lot.

Speaker 2 (08:39):
Divorce will be finalized in two weeks. She has moved out.
We had one attempted therapy session together that crashed and burned.
I decided it was time to cleanse my social media
accounts of any shared photos. Sixteen years is a lot
of photos, and it hurt bad. She noticed and unfriended
me on Facebook. I was only keeping her there to
see events she'd respond to and make sure to keep

(09:00):
my distance. She changed her name, changed the relationship status.
Made it uncomfortable. But I'm the bad guy for removing photos.
I guess they are not gone from existence, They're gone
from public viewing, and that is what I needed. She
made a choice to be with someone else. To text him,
she can't help she fell in love with him. Of
course we're not friends now. It's funny. She was watching
my timeline and seeing them disappear today as she'd been

(09:23):
watching the whole time, probably, But now it's over, and
it hurt seeing all those memories of us, of our child,
the life that we grew. That hurt. But now I
don't have to see them again. And there's a third update.
Today's divorce day paperwork is signed, notarized, and filed. She
moved out a month and a half ago. It hurts
real bad. I would have given anything for us to
figure this out. She fell in love with another man,

(09:45):
a married man. I'm crushed. Literally, the worst day of
my life. Fourteen years married gone. Update number four. The
hardest part about this whole thing is that I lost
my best friend through it all. We were cut from
the same cloth, shared tastes and interest. Casual conversations always worked,
even when were bad. I was scrolling Instagram and passed
by a terribly dark meme, something we would laugh at

(10:05):
but share either way, and I wanted to share it
with her, but that's not an option, and I missed her.
I think I could see myself being able to be
cordial friends if not for all the lies, deception, and gaslighting.
It was all so real and so hurtful. She's been
lying the whole time about the breath and scope and
doesn't know just how much I know. She still talks
to me as though she pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.

(10:26):
It wasn't just once, and it was going on far
longer than just since the creation of their secret chat room.
It was June of twenty four, ten months before I
accused them. I have concrete evidence of the communications and
its contents. It was emotional and limerent for a long time,
but she would engage in contact every time we shared

(10:46):
intimacy or celebratory moments birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, vacations. She felt
bad for cheating on her limerent object affair partner with me,
so she would love bomb And he is a lot
like people have said it, and I tend to agree.
She traded me for me similar likes, interests, mannerisms, love
and communication styles. He was sending her love letters via

(11:08):
text That was my playbook. He had the same nicknames
that I did, and I called them one time after
they were intimate, and they lied and denied and their
stories didn't even match up. But I just turned my
cheek because I couldn't believe the person I adored more
than anything in the world could do that to me.
Then she made me apologize for threatening his divorce and
straining his marriage. That's a fancy way of keeping me quiet,

(11:30):
but it worked, and I cried to him and begged forgiveness,
and she looked on knowing what they had done, and
they both let me hurt. We were everyone's favorite married couple.
People told me they looked up to us as an
example of doing it right, but it was a lie.
At some point, she quit loving me, but kept saying it.
We filed for divorce, and on the day the judge
signed our paperwork, she told me she'll always love me,

(11:51):
but that wasn't true. And I just hope she finds
peace because I always and still do love her even
if we can't be together. I live in a small
town thirteen thousand people. My ex wife had a year
long affair that included physical contact at least once, but
that's all they'll admit to because that's the only time
there was firm evidence. And with one of my close friends,
I found out that since we separated, I'm always trying

(12:13):
to give her space and make sure we're not in
the same places, at the same functions, and it's causing
additional pain. So I asked chat gpt to give me
a playbook for when we run into each other at
a Christmas party that we're both invited to.

Speaker 3 (12:26):
Why are we doing that? Why are we doing that?

Speaker 2 (12:28):
I am tired of trying to duck and hide from
my ex for her emotional well being. I don't need
to do that anymore. I need to be able to
put my foot down and go where I want and
where I want to be, and not cower and run
every time I see her because I'm worried that it's
going to tear me apart. This was its response, which
is actually one of the best things I've heard since
I read leave a Cheater, Gain a life. Avoiding her

(12:49):
doesn't protect you, It keeps you tethered to her. Facing
her calmly is how you untangle the last emotional threads.
You're not the one who should be ashamed. You're not
the one who caused the destruction. You're not the one
who needs to hide. You're allowed to live your life.
You're allowed to love again. You're allowed to take up space.
You're allowed to go to your friends. You're allowed to
go to your friends' parties. You're allowed to show the

(13:10):
world you're standing on your own two feet, and honestly,
you're ready. It's that bottom section that got me and
was the reason I chose to share. I hope it
helps the person it needs to. There's a sixth update.
My ex sent me an email yesterday. She heard I've
been seeing someone and wanted to be sure to let
me know that psychologists say not to introduce new partners

(13:30):
to kids for six to twelve months, and I expect
that new relationship remain separate from children for now. Please
confirm where aligned.

Speaker 4 (13:36):
And I say psychologists say that you shouldn't cheat on
your partner.

Speaker 2 (13:40):
I think ten psychologists agree you're out of line. And also,
I hope you're not introducing any of your partners or
fair partners I was the children.

Speaker 3 (13:50):
I would respond with, I don't care the audacity.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
Of course, I'm not introducing someone i'm dating to my kids,
but it's also none of her business to tell me
what to do under the guise of child's safety. She
literally had an affair with my friend for months while
lying to my face. My response was, I agree introductions
to new significant others should be handled intentionally and with
children's best interest in mind. However, the decisions about personal
relationships should not be something either can dictate to the other,

(14:16):
and at this time there are no introductions planned with anyone,
so there's nothing for us to align on.

Speaker 4 (14:21):
I think I was too long. You should have sent
her a picture of her yick, what do you think
I like her?

Speaker 2 (14:24):
She tried to pin me down on a timeframe and
emailed me again, we should have autonomy in personal lives,
but this is a co parenting decision, and she has
a right to make demands. But it's whatever. You weren't
gonna do it, so it doesn't matter. Don't give her
the time of day, I responded, If you'd like to
come up with some sort of plan, we can find
a way to work together. Another email, now shifting the
goalpost to nine to twelve months. Of course, I'm not

(14:46):
writing anything to agree. I won't be pigeonholed or held
in some sort of legal jeopardy for a time on
a calendar she just made up. I stand my ground
and remind her that she didn't live by any of
those same standards during our marriage. When seeking out a
new relationship, she demanded while the house is on the market,
that I not introduce any new partners again. It's like,
shut up.

Speaker 3 (15:05):
At this point, just say I don't care.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Just stop responding.

Speaker 3 (15:08):
She's like, you have no control over me. We're divorced.

Speaker 2 (15:11):
She is using this to control me. But I didn't budge.
If she feels a different standard is required, she can
contact the courts. She backed down. You've made your position clear.
I've made mine clear. I'm not going to debate it
for the I expect decisions to be about children's well
being and decisions to reflect that. Okay, deal, That's what
I said in the first place, just not with your
unilateral mandates. It felt good to walk away with a

(15:33):
win on that one. Funny I agreed with six to
twelve months to begin with. I'm in the early stages
of dating someone. It could be over today for all
I know. I'm not trying to add that kind of
chaos to my kids' lives. She didn't need to tell me.
My kids' best interests have always been in mind. She
just wanted to jab because she's by herself on Thanksgiving.
She did this to herself. We're already divorced. I'm no idiot.

(15:53):
She just wanted to poke the bear, and it felt
good to stand my ground. She backed down. I've been
processing a lot through chatcheep, the metadata from the cell phones,
the text, the cause, the timeline, my faults, her faults,
just trying to understand because I can't get over some things.
But I went down a wormhole that changed everything. I
asked it what it would tell me if I was her,

(16:15):
and then it started offering perspectives I'd never considered. The
hardest realization was this, I'm not stuck because I'm weak.
I'm stuck because the story never finished. She moved on
emotionally while I was still fighting for the life I
believed we were both living. That's what haunts me. Understanding
is the opposite of rumination. Rumination circles the drain. Understanding

(16:39):
untangles the knot, and I'm finally starting to untangle mine.
And that is the end of that story.

Speaker 3 (16:44):
I don't know how I felt about that one.

Speaker 4 (16:46):
Yeah, it's just like it is what it is again.
It's the what ifs or looking back on it. Stop
looking back, stop turning around what could have happened, or
seeing her perspective. It's over, it's done with and that's
the end of the story, we're gonna go on to
the next one.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
My husband had an affair and called it a divorce.

Speaker 3 (17:06):
I'm sorry, that's crazy. That is just oof.

Speaker 1 (17:09):
We've been married twelve years, lived together fifteen, and first
got together nearly twenty years ago. We have three children
together under twelve. There's a lot of resentment and stagnation
in our relationship. By the way, this comes from Curly Bluelo,
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit.

Speaker 3 (17:28):
I'm Carly, I'm Keon, I'm Riley, and we're here to.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
Give a good advice. Goofully. But we don't have all
the answers. We only know what we would do, So
let us know what you would do in the comments.
He feels I pushed him to have kids when he
wasn't ready. No, he doesn't feel that. To be honest,
it's true I did, and that's always been the narrative
of our marriage. We've never been on the same page,
he says. He always went along with what I wanted

(17:52):
to try and make me happy, the result being neither
of us happy, as he resented it. Between the resentment
and juggling three children, house and jobs. We haven't made
enough time together over the years. He says, he felt
rejected and it was soul destroying. I can understand this.
Our dads both cheated and ruined our families when we

(18:13):
were kids, and I've always said to him, if he
were ever going to cheat like that, don't end things. Instead.
We've had good times, good spicy sleep, never enough for him.
The last couple of years have been awful, toxic. He's
been angry and over sensitive and moody. He's out all
the time, drinking with friends. I found out last week

(18:33):
that he'd been having an affair. At first he denied it,
and then it all came out. Four years with one
woman from work, and the year before that he slept
with someone else. I've asked him to leave, and we've
been sorting stuff out. I've applied for the divorce and
we've told the kids, but not the reason why. He's

(18:54):
going in the next week, probably to stay with her.
It's been absolutely horrific. My question is when the waves
of pain and hurt and anger and horror come, how
do you get through them? They're so awful. Now I'm
trying to avoid the feelings, and I know it's not healthy,
but I don't want to feel them. I'll do anything
not to feel them. Sometimes I feel good about it all.

(19:15):
I'm so relieved to not be living in the toxic
environment anymore that I'm cracking jokes and making him feel
better about this mess. He's cause I take full responsibility
for my part of being a rubbish wife for him.
I've not even felt in love with him for some
time because he's been so full of resentment. But the
pain and hurt come out of nowhere. I can't deal

(19:37):
with it. How do I make it go? Is it
okay to try and avoid for now and deal with
it later?

Speaker 2 (19:42):
Update?

Speaker 1 (19:43):
You know when you've known a person for nineteen years
in five months, and after seven years they get down
on one knee and promise to love you forever, and
they make a vow in front of all of their
family and friends, and then you have three babies together.
You know when seven years later things are kind of
difficult and your person unilaterally just that your marriage is over.
Only they forget to tell you. You know, when they

(20:04):
start sleeping with other people but think you'll be all
right carrying on in the marriage. That they've checked out
of because they deserve more and you deserve nothing but
the angry dregs of them at the end of a
long day. You know when they start an affair and
carry it on for four years. You know when your
person gets caught out and blames you for not being
affectionate enough and tells you it's okay because you'd already

(20:26):
broken up four years ago. They assumed you knew. You
know when your person cries having to tell people what
they've done, not because they give any thought about you
or their children, but because they don't want people to
know who they really are underneath the nice guy facade.
You know when your person says they don't love her
and they're only moving in with her because they have
nowhere else to go, so you say stay till we

(20:47):
sort you somewhere else to live, and then and they
go away because they can't even own that. You know
when your person gets pissed off and tells you that
you can't be angry with them because this isn't what
they wanted. It's what you chose, not them. You know
when your person is annoyed that you can't be friends,
be civil for the kids, let them back in the
house one day after they left, two weeks after finding

(21:09):
out they'd been divorced. In their head for the last
four years.

Speaker 4 (21:13):
You're focusing on the situation, and you're focusing on, oh wow,
look what they're doing. How crazy, like what I've done
for them? Or you know what kind of person they are.
We already know what kind of person they are. They
cheated on you twice, they resent you.

Speaker 1 (21:26):
Yeah, I'm confused about this, Like, well, we broke up
four years ago. What do you mean, Like, huh did
we do that out loud? Or was that in our head?

Speaker 2 (21:33):
Op?

Speaker 3 (21:34):
It's gonna take time.

Speaker 1 (21:35):
Update two? Is this fake? Are all the bad feelings
going to come back? Two and a half weeks since
finding out, I went through immense shock, horrific hurt and pain,
anger and rage, and now I feel acceptance. He moved
out four days ago. That's really helped me to process
how I feel, which is that he isn't who I
thought he was at all. He's actually an awful human being.

(21:57):
I've told him I will be amicable for the kids,
but that I don't want him in my life. I
wanted to be friends after for the kids, but I
don't think I can ever forgive him for what he's done.
I would happily never see or speak to him again.
I'm just hoping I can move on now, though I
suspect the chaos will continue and the rage will come back.
Is this like a stage of grief where you think

(22:17):
you're fine and then find with resounding certainty that you
are absolutely not fine. Update three. I'm just over three
months from d day. Partner of twenty years, married, twelve
three kids together, had an affair for four years. He
lives with her now they're in a relationship. When I
found out about the affair, he didn't want to move out,
didn't love her, Supposedly funny how things change. He claims

(22:40):
none of it is what he wanted. I made him
move out. He had no choice. It's my fault. He
thinks he should be able to come back to our
family home every other weekend and stay here to see
the kids. I should go away. I've said no. Every
time he comes anywhere near I feel so anxious, I
feel sick. I hate him. I thought this would be
much easier as I wasn't in love with him anymore,

(23:02):
and we argued all the time. But turns out betrayal
and years of lies are so difficult, even when you're
not in love. When someone who is just by your
side for twenty years is just gone, it's weird. I
wish we'd split amicably years ago, when he gave up
without telling me. Then we could do without the hurt
and hate and sadness. We have another update. I don't

(23:24):
think any of the times would have changed the hurt,
and Hayten said.

Speaker 3 (23:28):
It's okay to hate this guy for the rest of
your life.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
I mean, it would have been pret affair, which might
have helped a little.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
But yeah, yeah, it.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
Was easier to be mad at somebody to move on
than it is to be like things ended.

Speaker 4 (23:39):
Well, yeah, you don't have to take the high road
to be like I've moved on, like I've forgiven him.

Speaker 3 (23:45):
You don't need to.

Speaker 1 (23:46):
My friend told me this process is like a wave,
and it is recovery after finding out about an affair
at the ending of a marriage is a strange thing. Indeed,
I'm in shock, in pain, relieved, tearful, excited, distraught, ecstatic, bruh, happy, alone, lonely,
and at peace. I'm all those things, one after the
other and all at once. Just lately. I missed the banter,

(24:08):
the jokes no one else gets. The jokes too savage
to share with others, the memories we shared, the experiences
we had, the life we lived, feeling loved, feeling wanted.
Things shriveled up and disappeared between us. But that didn't
have to happen. He made a choice five years ago,
in the midst of babies and small children, to stop trying.

(24:29):
In doing so, he robbed five years of my life
with his lies and deceit. I would have made different choices.
I would have followed a different path. I could have
been a different person, but he stole that from me.
He stole my choices. I felt so much guilt that
I wasn't good enough, and all while it was because
he'd already checked out and left his key card at

(24:49):
the door. I wish we had ended things five years ago.
We could have been friends. We were good as friends.
I miss my friend, but no friend would lie and
mislead and admit the truth for years and years. So
I'm left grieving someone who didn't pass away, and it's hard.
It's so sad. We have another update.

Speaker 3 (25:07):
Oh my god, Opie, you're going through it.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
Yeah, we're just seeing your stages of grief at a
Reddit post.

Speaker 3 (25:13):
It's okay.

Speaker 1 (25:14):
In the initial days of shock, I was never prepared
for how painful of this journey would be, even though
I wasn't in love with him anymore. It turns out
betrayal leaves a deep wound. I don't know how to heal.
The firsts keep coming, first Christmas apart, first New Year's apart,
kids staying over with him and the affair partner for
the first time in their happy little family, doing things

(25:35):
he never deigned to do with us. It's hard to
entangle yourself from your old life without getting stabbed repeatedly
in the heart. I know it's lack of routine from
the Christmas break, but I have so little motivation and
so much anxiety and so much sadness. I feel like
I can't do anything but playing mind numbing games on
my phone, and when I try to do fun things,

(25:56):
I feel empty. I've told myself tomorrow is a new beginning,
back to work, back to routine, and hopefully I can
find some energy somewhere to do some of the things
I love.

Speaker 4 (26:06):
You've been with your partner for twenty years. When you're
with someone you get into routine. Your brain is developing
itself too, and it's going through a lot of changes.
It's not gonna happen overnight. It's not gonna happen over
a day. It's gonna take some time.

Speaker 1 (26:20):
Just over a year since d Day, after twelve years
of marriage and nearly twenty together, I feel okay. The
shock and the hurt have passed. Maybe the hurt is
still there, but I don't allow myself to really feel
it anymore. I'm not sure he moved in with the
affair partner for several months now lives on his own
because he was miserable there shocked, though I assume he
still sees hear I don't ask. I don't really think

(26:43):
I care. I still have to see him because we
have kids together. I feel kind of empty at times,
and a little bit lost, like I'm not sure who
I am. I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't have a thing, a drive, or a motivation
or anything to look forward to. I'm just muddling through
each day through dull and murky waters. I wish this
was an optimistic survival post where I'm super fit and

(27:05):
healthy and tanned and happy and living my best life.
But I've had some really great times this year, but
they're punctuated by the nothingness. Hopefully the next year will
be even better. Well, fourteen months on. If we didn't
have kids and I never had to speak to him again,
it would probably be okay. But we do, so I
have to, and I'm just so angry all the time.
He's swanning about doing whatever he wants while I look

(27:27):
after our kids and have no life outside of that,
which makes me rage the few hours here and there
that he looks after them like a babysitter. His lies,
his entitlement, his woe is me. Nothing's my fault. I'm
such a nice guy, pretense. How can I like go
of this rage? And why am I so much angrier
now than I was before? I sometimes still can't believe

(27:48):
what he did, and I pick up the scab, even
though it's been a while, a whole year and five months.
I pick up the scab when I should let it heal.
It's leaving an ugly scar. I should train my thoughts
somewhere else, like a climbing plant, twist them round a
different branch, or up in obsolete towards the sun, but
I can't not always. Sometimes something new hits me when

(28:09):
he said he was doing this or going there, or
that time I heard a random late night phone call
that woke me up, which he denied. He was obviously
talking to her. He was so eager for me to
go to bed every night, always before him. He'd start
getting twitchy if I stayed up a bit later, probably
waiting to text her and make himself happy. Then I
get angry. I get so angry that I was running

(28:31):
around after the kids, cooking his meals and putting up
with his sulking and anger.

Speaker 4 (28:35):
Opie, I get you're angry. I would take that anger
and turn into something good. Working the gym is always
like the number one thing. But if you don't want
to go to the gym, there's other things that you can.
I guess your kids have.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
To be older. Now. I'm almost wondering if there's like
a hobby you guys can all start doing relief from
like watching the kids. But I mean it could be
if it's a monitored activity. And staying out into three
am in his hangovers while he was sleeping with someone
else and then squirming about it guiltily, and I get
angry that he lied, that he lied for so many years,

(29:08):
that he took away my right to choose the life
I wanted. And now I have to live with his
anger and mistrust, and I don't understand how he lives
with himself. Weaseling about pretending to be such a nice person,
and I just have to bite my tongue because he
is my kid's dad. One day, when they are old enough,
I'll never have to see or speak to him again.
Until then, I'll probably keep picking this scab and hope

(29:29):
it still heals.

Speaker 3 (29:30):
I think will a.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
Year and a half after twenty year thing with such
a big timeline of.

Speaker 3 (29:36):
Betrayal with kids and see him thing, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
Yeah, you'll get there. And that's the end of this story.
We're going to go to the next one.

Speaker 5 (29:44):
My boyfriend said he loved me until I got a cat.

Speaker 3 (29:47):
Does he not love the cat?

Speaker 5 (29:49):
We've been together for eight months, we live in different cities.
That's a temporary solution, as we're both still studying the
moment we met. I told him I imagine my future
family with pets in the house, especially a cat or two.
He agreed to my view. Said he used to live
with an ex who had a cat, wishes to have
a dog in the future too. By the way, this
comes from Important Silly eleven fourteen, And if you want

(30:12):
to submit your own stories, go to the r slash
Okay storytime suvered it.

Speaker 3 (30:16):
I'm Sophia, I'm Keon, and I'm Vincent, and we're here to.

Speaker 2 (30:19):
Give good advice.

Speaker 5 (30:20):
Goofley, But we don't have all the answers. We only
know what we'd do, So let us know what you
would do in the comments, and Opie says there was
no problem with pets in the house. Three months ago,
I managed to rent an apartment on my own. Since then,
we've been meeting, usually at my place as we can
finally have some time alone, no roommates, no parents. When

(30:40):
I moved in here, I told my boyfriend I needed
a pet. I hated coming back to an empty house.
I also wanted to create something like a little family.
You know him, the pet me. I really believed it
could be just the beginning of our future. He didn't
say anything about it, not yes, not no. I assume
and he just agreed. Well, let's not assume that. Let's

(31:03):
not assume that though if he didn't like the idea,
he should tell me right. But everything changed when the
cat appeared. Our honeymoon ended and the tensions began. Maybe
they just meant honeymoon.

Speaker 4 (31:13):
I think it was honeymoon. Yeah, eight months is still
a long time for a honeymoon.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Face.

Speaker 5 (31:20):
Cat's always been allowed to sleep in bed in my
family home, so it was something natural for me to
let my cat sleep with my boyfriend in me. And
the cat really doesn't bother anyone in bed. He's not
freaking out at night, no zoomi'es, no meowing, no waking
up straight in the morning. But suddenly, after two nights,
my boyfriend said, in the middle of the night, you
can't sleep like that. He went to salon to sleep

(31:41):
on the couch till morning. I talked to him during
that day. He said he couldn't sleep as the cat
was moving and he needed to rest to drive back
home in the morning. So there's no way he would
put up with something like that. He suggested to break up,
so I can't take it out.

Speaker 3 (31:58):
They are after one night, two.

Speaker 5 (31:59):
Nights only two nights, two nights, I haven't slept. We're
breaking up.

Speaker 4 (32:04):
I get it when you're not sleeping for two nights
in a row, you. Uh, that was a pretty go.
You go a little insane, but jumping to breaking up
is a little intense insane.

Speaker 5 (32:13):
I was confused, but I really didn't want to fight,
so I agreed. During the weekend, cat slept on the couch,
But it was in the end he started complaining about
the litter the smell cat poops make, even though I
clean it as fast as possible. It happened a few
times that my cat had loose stools. Now I know
it was because he's allergic to certain foods, and when

(32:34):
he sat on his blanket on the couch, he left
a print. I put the blanket into the washing machine immediately,
but my boyfriend used to get so angry about it.
I couldn't understand why he's so mad at the cat.
It's just an animal. Whenever I asked what was wrong,
he answered nothing and continued to ignore me with a
rude face. There was no open arguments, but the tension

(32:56):
between us. A few days ago, he came to me
after a wisdom tooth extraction. He had a few leisure
days to recover, so I offered that we spend time
together so I could cook something for us. But that
day my cat Pete on the bed for the very
first time ever, probably because I was staying very long
hours at work that day and he's not used to
staying alone for such a long time. Obviously, I first

(33:19):
started cleaning the bed, washing the sheets, but my boyfriend
got mad. I didn't make food first, and then it
got even worse. We had to sleep on the couch
cat with us. In the middle of the night. My
boyfriend said he couldn't stand it any longer. He would
be happy to come back home immediately, but he would
do it in the morning. He said he needed to
get a proper rest after the extraction, and he couldn't

(33:41):
do it in my place. I understood he might have
been upset and tired, but I couldn't get what made
him so angry. The next day, he wasn't answering my
messages the whole day, and when I came back home
after work, he wasn't there. He took all of his
things and I called him as I didn't understand what happened.
He said he feeling really sick and needed to get

(34:02):
rest at his home. Yesterday we met Annie said he
wasn't ready to live with a cat, and even though
he loved me, he couldn't stand pets in the house.
He said he didn't want me to choose between me
and the cat. But the reality is everything is about
this choice now. I love my boyfriend, and I really
thought he would tell me if he had something against
a cat my place. I was doing anything to make

(34:24):
sharing a place with a cat as comfortable as I could.
But now I'm just torn. Is there any chance for
a settlement. And I know we've been together for not
so long, but we have plans for living together after
finishing studies, a lot of common friends and hobbies. We
even know each other's families, so it is something serious,
not just a temporary infatuation. And there isn't at it.

(34:47):
But what do you think?

Speaker 4 (34:48):
This is a pet and this is going to happen.
Pets are not going to always be on the up.
They're got to be pooping, they're got to be peeing
in places that you don't want, they're gonna be throwing up.

Speaker 3 (34:58):
It happens. The fact that this getting to.

Speaker 4 (35:00):
Him and it's really making it an unlivable situation for
him and you, I see it seems like you're trying
to do a compromise with anything you can for both
the cat and him, and nothing is settling, and it
seems pretty extreme from his reactions. But again, if it's
if he really can't live with you like this, I
don't know there's nothing more you can really do to

(35:21):
make it very extreme for either him or the cat.

Speaker 6 (35:23):
I think it's just an early get for a cat,
and there's certain things as a two time cat dad
cat dad times two when you're living with cats, Yeah,
you're gonna have like there's gonna be a little bit
of a smell. Sometimes, they're gonna throw up, they're gonna poop,
they're going to and there's gonna be fur. And if
he didn't agree to that, he kind of made an

(35:45):
executive decision when getting that cat.

Speaker 1 (35:47):
Right off of that, Thanks for all of your answers.

Speaker 5 (35:50):
I just want to make it clear that he's not
a bad person. I trust him and I know he
wouldn't hurt a cat. I just can't understand we could
break up because of a cat. To put it simple,
I think of getting my cat to my parents. I
know he will be treasured by them. I wouldn't give
him to anybody else. I have to be able to
meet him, see him play with him, know he's safe
and sound. I love my cat, but I love my

(36:11):
boyfriend too, and I just simply don't know what to
do at this point. Common one says the answer to
me or them is always goodbye today, it's your cat.
Later it's that your job or hair color or etc.
Isn't right. Another commenter says, agreed, op, it is important
you understand something. This is not about the cat. The
cat has become a proxy for control, and that's why

(36:32):
everything escalated so fast once you brought it into your space.
Before the cat, you were accommodating, eager to please, and
the relationship felt easy. Once the cat arrived, there was
suddenly tension, silent treatment, threats of breakup, anger, and ultimatums.
The pattern matters. Lundy Bancroft talks about how controlling partners

(36:52):
often pick a seemingly small issue to test whether a
woman will prioritize his comfort over her own values. Attachments,
and A ton of me pets, friends, hobbies, even sleeping
routines are common early battlegrounds because they seem trivial on
the surface, but reveal who is expected to adapt and
who is not notice what keeps happening. He threatens to

(37:14):
break up rather than problem solve, He gets angry, then
says nothing is wrong and punishes you with silence. Your
needs and attachments are treated as inconveniences. You keep adjusting.
He does not. Now The relationship hinges on whether you
will give something you love up to keep him comfortable.
That's not compromised. That's a loyalty test. Also, pay attention

(37:36):
now quickly you've started minimizing this for him. You've already
said he's not a bad person, reassuring others he wouldn't
hurt the cat, and considering re homing your pet to
preserve the relationship. That shift didn't come from nowhere. It
came from repeated pressure. And here's the part that's hard
but important. If you give up your cat to keep him,

(37:58):
this pattern does in and Bankroft is very clear that
once a controlling partner learns that ultimatums work, there will
be another issue, that another because the real issue is
not the cat, it's whether he gets to decide what
belongs in your life. A healthy partner would have raised
concerns early, collaborated on solutions, and respected that this is
your home and your attachment. Yeah, that's the thing. It's

(38:20):
like if he actually had an issue with the cat,
he would go to API and say, Hey, could we
not have a cat in the room at night because
I just haven't been able to sleep, Or hey, is
there a way that we can clean this or like
train the cat in this way? Because this is kind
of engrossing me out. They would not punish, disappear, or
force a binary choice. You're not choosing between a man

(38:42):
and a cat. You're choosing between keeping your autonomy and
entering a dynamic where your attachments are negotiable, but his
comfort is not. That's why this feels so unsettling. Your
instincts are trying to warn you. Comment too says personally,
I am of the belief that animals can to advocate
for themselves, so it's up to those who protect them

(39:03):
to look out for them. That being said, I would
choose the cat over the boyfriend every time. Cat's family now.
Comment three says I'm team cat. Send your boyfriend to
the pound.

Speaker 4 (39:13):
I agree with these comments. It seems like you really
want to be a mom to a cat. You want
to have a pet, and that's perfectly fine, but I
think you're gonna have the pick or choose here, which
would you rather have? And I think the cat's going
to treat you a lot better than your boyfriend.

Speaker 5 (39:28):
Yeah, I just really don't like the zero to one
hundred stuff. Not okay, cat says another commentary. Please put
yourself and your choices first. You deserve someone who will
accept you. It's the cat today, But what's next? Clothes? Wait, friends,
going to see your family? Once he knows he can
do this crap with you. It never ends there. And

(39:49):
every day you'll think about your cat. Every time you
get mad at him. You'll think about your cat. Every
moment you have to make our decision, you'll think about
your cat. Put yourself first. Common five says. One of
my wife's favorite activities is sleeping. When I met, I
had two cats. She never had cats. Not only did
they sleep in the bed, they would climb on top
of her when she was sleeping a meow in the

(40:11):
middle of the night, sleep on her head, stretch out
as long as they could, so she'd have to maneuver
herself between them just to lay down. She never complained
about the cats, never told me that it was her
or the cats. She spoiled them, and she became their
favorite person over me and that's the end of the story.

Speaker 4 (40:27):
Yeah, especially like you've had your pet, I know, with
growing up with your family, you and.

Speaker 3 (40:33):
A pet I had.

Speaker 5 (40:34):
Yeah, I always had a dog.

Speaker 1 (40:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:36):
Yes, if the dog peas on the carpet or poop
somewhere in the house, you get upset for like five
minutes or whenever you're cleaning it up, you're like that sucks.
But then you train that dog did not do that,
or like yeah, but it was never.

Speaker 3 (40:51):
Literally easier a thousand. Yes, it's an animal. And that's
you know of this story. We're going to go on
to the next one.

Speaker 1 (40:58):
Hey, it's Carly your face, Dave rid Axelottel host Here.
We're going to get back to the stories. But here's
three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

Speaker 4 (41:06):
My girlfriend hit her ex at a party, then had
me uninvited collusion. I was out with my girlfriend today,
visiting family for the weekends, and she brought up one
of her mates party we'd been invited to last month,
and was asking if I was still planning to come
with her. I told her yes, and she proceeds to
tell me you probably wouldn't want to. I prod as
to why and she states someone is going who she

(41:27):
had slept with in the past. Okay, however, all communications
with them has been stopped since. By the way, this
comes from user Maximum Lavishness thirty nine and if you
want to submit your own stories, go to the r
slash Okay storytime.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
Subret it.

Speaker 4 (41:41):
I'm ke On, I'm Sophia, and I'm Vincent, and we're
here to give good advice Googly, but we don't have
all the answers. We only know what we'd do, So
let us know what you'd do in the comments. As
Opie says, I didn't really think anything of it. The
past is the past, and what matters to me is
what you do now.

Speaker 3 (41:59):
I say to her, it's fine, it doesn't bother me,
and I'll still come with her.

Speaker 4 (42:04):
I then ask, out of curiosity who the person is,
just so I'm aware when we're there. However, this is
what really alarmed me. She turns around and says, I'm
not telling you. It's not something you need to know.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
That's weird.

Speaker 3 (42:19):
Then why did you bring it up?

Speaker 5 (42:20):
That's weird? Why are we hiding that?

Speaker 4 (42:23):
I argued with her, explaining that it's out of respect
for me to know the person she slept with, as
I'm going to be there with them.

Speaker 3 (42:31):
I don't know. How do you feel about that?

Speaker 5 (42:32):
Sorry, I think it's weird to not be like I
think it's weird to bring up that she slept with them.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
And then not bring it up with it. Yeah, that's weird.

Speaker 4 (42:41):
Out of respect, you should, yeah, just so you know,
in a sense.

Speaker 5 (42:45):
I don't know, I feel like with my boyfriend, I'm like,
oh my god, I just saw that that person I
saw so and so every time I like, like that
comes up.

Speaker 4 (42:53):
Yeah, especially I don't know, maybe she's friends with this
person who knows.

Speaker 5 (42:57):
Yeah, not even like in a way like, oh, I
need to tell my boyfriend because of you.

Speaker 3 (43:02):
Like, yeah, I have a history with him. You should
cause problems.

Speaker 5 (43:05):
Yeah, It's like no, it's just like, oh my god,
you will not believe who I saw tod eh.

Speaker 2 (43:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (43:09):
Despite this, she still refuses and proceeds to say, Oh,
whilst you're at it, do you want to have a
timeline of everyone I've slept with, including their names? I
obviously say no, as that isn't what I was asking for.
In the slightest, A group chat had been made for
everyone invited to this party, so I asked my girlfriend
who it was in the group chat. She then tells

(43:31):
me that person isn't on the group chat for whatever reason.
At this point, I feel like she's lying through her
teeth to be blunt and has something to hide. After that,
I stopped pursuing it, as my mom had made us
dinner because we were visiting the weekend and went to
go eat, where she proceeds to tell me she's poorly
and doesn't want to eat. She wasn't poorly at all,

(43:52):
and I felt very angry and disrespected that my mom
had made the time to make us dinner and she
wanted to lie about it. And after all that, my
mom would not stop checking up to make sure she
was okay. I didn't want to make my girlfriend fee
out a place in my home, so I went with
what she said. I come back upstairs and she's crying
and calling me a psycho.

Speaker 5 (44:13):
Why literally, why, Oh, you're so annoying?

Speaker 6 (44:18):
She created this whole thing, Yeah, because she could have
just not told them.

Speaker 4 (44:22):
Fast forward a few hours, she tells me her friend
doesn't want me at this party anymore because I'm going
to cause drama and it's her day, not mine, which
I turn around and say I never had a problem
with the guy she slept with being there.

Speaker 3 (44:37):
I only had a problem with her hiding it who
it was.

Speaker 4 (44:41):
Surely, if a guy that you've been with before is there,
you'd want me there to show off your boyfriend, and
not immediately try and get me not to come. The
thing is, even if she's not done anything inherently wrong,
why are you lying to me and hiding something from me?
I've never asked who the people she slept with before are,
but I thought, as I would be meeting this person,

(45:01):
it's appropriate. Something tells me they are in fact still talking,
whether it's platonic or not, and she's been caught out
in the lie and trying to gaslight her way out
of it.

Speaker 3 (45:12):
I know it sounds like.

Speaker 4 (45:13):
A pretty bone question, but would any of you feel
as if you should break up as well? And there
is an edit, what do you say?

Speaker 5 (45:22):
I don't know if I'm jumping to break up quite yet,
but I am having a serious conversation where I'm saying
I don't understand why this blew out of proportion. You
brought information to me and I asked you to clarify something,
and instead you felt like it was better to just
uninvite me to this party, and I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable

(45:43):
with the situation now and I feel like you haven't
done anything to rectify that.

Speaker 4 (45:49):
Thank you everyone for all the replies already, and I
appreciate your honesty and support for those calling me insecure
and whatnot. We're both in the military, which in itself
requires a lot of trust, especially spending time away from
each other and the majority of her mates also being lads.
Never been a problem for me and never had any
issues before until this point. I did also see a

(46:10):
one comment about me denying her food, which gave me
a laugh.

Speaker 3 (46:13):
But sure.

Speaker 4 (46:15):
Anyway, I've never pried into her past before, and she
has spoken about her past partners without me asking.

Speaker 3 (46:21):
It's never bothered me.

Speaker 4 (46:22):
However, I do believe it's basic respect to know who
this person is that she has slept with, as she
brought it up, and to avoid any awkwardness. I don't
think a simple question is that much of an ask.
If she had told me right then and there, I
wouldn't have even thought twice about it. For those of
you talking about this friend of her supporting her, some
contacts on the kind of person she might be is useful.

(46:45):
She also has a boyfriend, but had been deployed to
Cyprus for a few months, decided to break up with
her boyfriend, slept with the whole island in front of
what my girlfriend told me, then came back and got
back with her boyfriend.

Speaker 5 (46:57):
How rude say it like that, and.

Speaker 4 (47:01):
The boyfriend is still completely unaware of the truth. Supposedly,
to also clear up about the group chat, I hadn't
put a message in the group chat itself. I just
asked my girlfriend personally who the person was, as I
assumed he'd been in there. Do do it being made
of people invited to this party to what she answers
that he's not in there for some reason. Whether or
not she has done anything wrong in terms of her

(47:21):
intentions or if she's still communicating with this bloke is
beyond me, which drawing such a simple question after telling
me someone's there she has slept with has put me
way off and not something I want in a relationship anyway.
Sorry for the massive spiel. Again, I'm going to sleep
on it, but I'm pretty sure I already know what
I'm going to do.

Speaker 3 (47:41):
Cheers, guys, and we have some comments.

Speaker 5 (47:43):
Yeah, like that sounds like, oh, he's good. Break up.

Speaker 4 (47:44):
I feel like you need to talk to her first.
But the fact that she's calling you a psycho, making
you uninvited to this party, brought it up and won't
tell you who this guy is, like, I don't know.

Speaker 5 (47:55):
It feels like, oh, he made up his mine already.

Speaker 2 (47:58):
That's what it seems like.

Speaker 3 (47:59):
It is a respect.

Speaker 4 (48:00):
I think it's a very big mature thing to do it. Yeah,
and it just sees how where you are in your relationship.
One says it's only been five months, cut it off
and move on coming. Number two says, I would definitely
end it over this. This sounds very immature and she's
clearly playing games here. You don't want that, trust me.

(48:21):
It sounds very sketchy that she not only had to
tell you that it was someone she slept with, but
also emphasize two things. She telling you that it would
be better to not go and her saying they stopped talking.
That sounds like a big waving red flag.

Speaker 3 (48:36):
And we have an update.

Speaker 2 (48:37):
Let's get it right into it.

Speaker 4 (48:38):
Ooh boy, so little update for those of you you
know who care. It's time for us to head back
from my family for the weekend, and I decided it
wasn't the right time to do it at my house
and alienate her despite everything that has happened. We're driving
back and we're nearly there, and I asked her on
everything I raised her before, to which she replies the
same as before. Anyway, I eventually get to the point

(49:01):
where I wanted to say I no longer want to
be together with her. She's obviously quite angry at this point,
but I drop her off and I go my own way.
She then begins to message, calling me every name under
the sun and turning the failure of our relationship to
my fault. At this point, she finally decides to tell
me the name of this person, but at this point
I tell her I'm no longer interested.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
And that it's too late.

Speaker 4 (49:24):
She then replies to all this, saying the only reason
she didn't tell me was so I wouldn't spend all
nights staring at him and ruin our night.

Speaker 5 (49:31):
You're just like presuming so much about Opie and his behavior,
And I feel like if you think that Opie would
ruin the night because of insecurity or whatever, then it
says a lot about like what you think about the post.

Speaker 4 (49:43):
So then you thought it would be fair to tell, Hey,
someone at this party, I slept with someone at this party. Yeah,
let let's you know, let's see how that doesn't stress
you out.

Speaker 5 (49:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (49:51):
Literally, look at every single person at this party and
guess And I still won't tell you. But I have
never given her a reason to think I would behave
like this. After some back and forth, she eventually apologizes
for what happened, as she says she only wanted us
to have a good night. She also tells me she
didn't tell her friend to uninvite me. Her friend did

(50:11):
it off her own back because she was crying about
the situation.

Speaker 3 (50:15):
To her.

Speaker 4 (50:16):
At this point, she's groveling and begging for me to
come back, as all she wants is me. It's been
a lot harder for me to just forget about her,
and I feel awful that she's hurt like this, especially
knowing her mental health is in the gutter. But I
think I know, deep down is what's right. Despite it all,
I don't think I can have this reaction over something
that could have been solved instantly, as in the future,

(50:38):
something more serious could happen and the damage could be
way worse. Do you think breaking up like this was
the right decision?

Speaker 3 (50:48):
So really, yeah.

Speaker 5 (50:50):
It just felt like she was flaming everything on him
and unwilling to actually listen to his concerns. Yeah, I
feel like at five months it's not a look.

Speaker 4 (51:01):
I mean, especially if it was such an easy way
for her to say, I just want to have the
fun night and all this, but she called you a psycho,
wouldn't tell you. How is it that it was so
hard for her? I don't understand. Yeah, we have a
second update. I know I shouldn't have and it was
probably pretty hypocritical of me, but she asked to see
me one last time to leave things on a better note,

(51:23):
and I obliged, as we'd most likely see each other
more than we would like. And I know I'm only young,
but that was one of the hardest experiences of my life.
That girl isn't a bad person. I just believe she's
too immature, at least for me. I don't believe she
did anything inherently malicious. However, the hiding and lying and
the way she reacted to things was what pushed me

(51:43):
away from future problems, unfortunately, And that's the end of
that story.

Speaker 1 (51:47):
And there you go.

Speaker 5 (51:48):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's the right way to look
at it.

Speaker 4 (51:53):
I will say, you play stupid games, you get stupid
prizes or outcomes. Yeah, and she wanted to play like
a mental game with you, I guess.

Speaker 3 (52:03):
And that's the un of this story. We're going to
go on to the next one.

Speaker 1 (52:07):
Hey, it's Angie, your favorite Riley's girlfriends. Here. We're going
to get back to the stories. But here's three minutes
of ads from our sponsors.

Speaker 5 (52:16):
My girlfriend blamed me for her affair after I paid
for it.

Speaker 3 (52:20):
Well, it's your fault.

Speaker 5 (52:22):
My girlfriend and I have been together for eleven years
and have one beautiful child who is seven years old,
and she has another child who is fifteen from a
previous relationship. By the way, this comes from Throwa seventy
six fifty one twenty three eight. And if you want
to sumit your own stories, go to the r slash. Okay,
storytime suppered it.

Speaker 3 (52:39):
I'm Sophia, I'm Keon, and I'm Vincent, and we're.

Speaker 5 (52:42):
Here to give good advice.

Speaker 2 (52:43):
Goofy.

Speaker 5 (52:44):
But we don't have all the answers. We only know
what we'd do, So let us know what you would
do in the comments and no peace says. We met
when I was eighteen, and I took on the responsibility
of helping to bring up my stepdaughter as my own.
Our relationship, like most, has gone through its ups and downs.
I was young and had never been in a long
term relationship. I made mistakes, she made many more. However,

(53:07):
for the last five years, I have been an honest, faithful,
loving boyfriend. Two years ago, I decided to be as
selfless and loving as I could be to everyone around me.
At the beginning of the year, I had something happen
in my life which left me in a really dark place,
severely depressed. In the beginning, she was there for me,
and she was perfect. She made me a calendar to

(53:28):
remind me every day how she felt for me, bought
a couple of heartfelt things which helped me through the
hardest times. I have not been myself for ten months,
and I have admittedly withdrawn, But it was in the
darkest moments that I decided I wanted to spend the
rest of my life with this girl, and I started
to plan my proposal. My girlfriend was furlowed for most

(53:49):
of the lockdown, but eventually found a new job where
she seemed so much happier. At the start of October,
I found that my girlfriend was pulling away. She no
longer said she loved me, no longer hugged me or
kissed me, and I started to have suspicions. I worked
on myself and our relationship. She would hide her phone
when I was around or quickly exit what'sapp However, at

(54:12):
the end of October, she started going to the gym.
One night, her class was not for hours and she
had already finished work. Her response was that she would
wait outside until the class started. I called her after
work and she sounded like she was in the car.
Her response was that she's working late at work and
trying to get things finished up before heading to the gym.
I turned find my iPhone on to discover she was

(54:35):
not where she said she was. She was outside another
man's house.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
She's probably still working out.

Speaker 5 (54:41):
Yeah, getting that cardio and I confronted her about this,
and she lied, saying she was at work, and then
switched to saying she was picking up a quick tea
before class, until I eventually revealed that I knew exactly
where she was because of the tracker. She blew up,
saying that I invaded her privacy and that I was
some freak for tracking her every move, and then eventually

(55:03):
came out with the truth that yes, indeed, she was
there to meet another man. She had been having an
affair with a man at her new job. I asked
her to come home to talk about it, but she
refused and instead turned her phone off. Well great, okay,
so now you're just full cheating. Cool. She had invited

(55:24):
him into her car after our conversation, and they drove
together to a local park and spent hours together.

Speaker 3 (55:31):
That's crazy, probably on the swings.

Speaker 5 (55:33):
That's crazy to find out that your partner of eleven
years knows, and then to just continue.

Speaker 4 (55:39):
Yeah, not even you know what, not even the respect. Yeah,
let's talk about it.

Speaker 6 (55:43):
Then just full send, like not even hide it anymore.

Speaker 5 (55:46):
Yes, oh well you don't even knows zoom. I went
around his house only to find that they were not there.
His father opened the door, and when I explained the situation,
his only response was shout out.

Speaker 2 (55:59):
About right, he does this.

Speaker 6 (56:01):
Even his dad's like, oh, yeah, iikes, he's a dog.

Speaker 5 (56:05):
Oh you know, oh I know, my son, he's always
getting up to no good.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
Of course I taught him those lessons good on, that's
my boy.

Speaker 5 (56:14):
She drove up to her mom's afterward, still texting him
with kisses and apologizing that I went around to his
house with emojis included. Eventually we spoke and she showed
me what little texts she had not had chance to
delete yet. He was laughing that I had almost found
out about their affair a couple of days prior, when
she thought I was going through her phone. I had
not had a chance to do this yet. I contacted

(56:36):
him and told him how he was hurting a seven
year old girl, and he laughed at that and could
only say, I am doing nothing wrong. Am a one
man band. We eventually agreed that she would block him
from everywhere and discussed her leaving her new job to
try and work on us. She opened up about other
issues we were having, and one of those was money.

(56:57):
She would never be open with me about what kind
of passis and she was in financially after eleven years.
She wasn't open with you.

Speaker 3 (57:04):
Also, we're still continuing this relationship.

Speaker 4 (57:06):
After she disresd not even one ounce of edia breakup.

Speaker 5 (57:11):
Immediate breakup, she had finally been honest and told me
that she was four hundred overdrawn and another three hundred
was due to come out. I was a sucker that
fell for the fact that she was finally being honest
with me, and I transferred her the.

Speaker 2 (57:25):
Seven hundred oh pee.

Speaker 5 (57:27):
A short while later, she blocked me on all outlets
and unblocked him. I had asked her to get therapy,
and she said she could not afford to use the
seven hundred dollars to book hotel room with the man
she had an affair with that costs the same amount
as therapy oh pee. She said that the last eleven
years have been so unhappy for her, then why didn't

(57:47):
she leave? And that I did not love her enough
or show her enough affection. That is not true. I
am an affectionate person by nature and showed her love constantly.
I have had ten really dark months, but I was
just starting to feel better about myself. She calls me
with insults, refuses fifty to fifty custody. Well, she can't

(58:07):
really refuse that. That's kind of a court thing. However,
I had my daughter five out of seven nights last
week because she wanted to go see this man instead.
I leave every conversation feeling like things were my fault,
that I'm worthless, and that I should have done more
this past year. She refused to sit down with the
children to explain what's happening because it needed to be

(58:28):
done with her present, so that she can console her
children and not feel like she's abandoned them. However, because
I have had my child almost every night, that is impossible.
It's not fair on her. She's asking questions specifically about
what cheating is rough.

Speaker 3 (58:46):
That's crazy.

Speaker 5 (58:48):
I also felt like, why should I have to feel
like I have abandoned her? Why should we do it
on her terms? I did not make these choices. She
did chop it all off. Yesterday I found out that
the main and she has chosen has a problem with
substances to the point that he's not allowed to see
his current children and recently dumped his ex because he
got her pregnant and she would like to keep their baby. Sorry,

(59:11):
if this is a lot or all over the place,
my head is a mess at the moment. There is
a lot more, But I think this is long enough.
Does anyone have any advice? Yeah, break up full custody
or break up just go to court for custody. Common
one go for full custody, get a restraining order against

(59:31):
your ex. She sounds harmful and is risking the health
of your daughter by being with this guy. Opie says.
The thing that's getting to me the most is that
she believes, without a shadow of a doubt, that this
was all my fault, and that she can keep believing
that it has no you know, bearing on the truth
or how you should continue with your life. You know,

(59:53):
she says, I'm a manipulator and a self absorbed person
and have been for years. That thank god she got
out when she could. It's so hurtful to hear. I
haven't manipulated her or mistreated her, but it's like she's
invented a part of me that doesn't exist. Faming there
was only unhappy times for the last eleven years. Common says.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
This is not relevant.

Speaker 5 (01:00:14):
Hurtful for sure, but should not be what you are
focusing on right now. While you are worried about optics,
she's blowing up your life. Call a solicitor right now.
Record everything about your childcare situation. Proof won't effect much,
but it's good supporting information when it comes out to
determining access and such. If she is stacking up with
a regular user, inquire what you can do to keep

(01:00:36):
your kid away? Right now? Protect your kid and yourself.
She'll believe whatever crap she wants to to justify her actions.
Don't get caught up in that torrent of nonsense, as
hard as it is, pull yourself up and get it done.
When you're safer, that's the time to let yourself feel
what you need to. Honestly, I mean a harsh comment.

Speaker 3 (01:00:56):
But yeah, it's a hard truth.

Speaker 5 (01:00:58):
It is not matter what she says, what she thinks,
none of that matters. Get yourself and your kid a
out of there. Oh, he says, thank you. I really
needed to hear that. I'm worried about how this will
affect our daughter over Christmas. If spending money on things
like a lawyer or mediation is selfish when I would
be spending it on her presence.

Speaker 4 (01:01:18):
Yeah, stop making excuses for her, start doing, Stop stop
saying action, stop going on Reddit. You gotta start doing
something to better your life in the life of your kids.

Speaker 5 (01:01:29):
I want updates that say like I'm at We're we're
doing great. That's what I want.

Speaker 3 (01:01:34):
I want to hear. I'm done talking to her. She
can do whatever she wants.

Speaker 4 (01:01:37):
Yeah, I'm done giving her money, I'm done giving her attention,
I'm done with her.

Speaker 5 (01:01:41):
Common three forgive me. But your relationship sounds like it
was over before the affairs started, but you stayed together
for the kids, et cetera, until there was a catalyst
to end it. That's what this is. An exit affair.
She's picked the scummiest affair partner possible and treated you
so badly that you now have no choice but to
break off with her. She has gone full scorched earth.

(01:02:02):
She's probably got no long term plans with this guy.
She knows he's vile, or we'll shortly find out. You
can't come back from this notice. She took your money
and paid for the hotel. A fair partner didn't. He
doesn't even have to pay for dates, etc. To have
spicy sleep with her. Don't contact a fair partner again.
There's nothing but pain here. Contact your X only through

(01:02:24):
lawyers or for child arrangements. Your priority right now is
to seek legal advice for separation and how best to
protect your kids whilst she's with him. She wants out,
and you should too. Again, they're not married, so you
don't have to worry about divorce and all that just
child stuff. Common for says she cheated and you shouldn't
feel bad or guilty about anything. You did what you

(01:02:46):
needed to as a man, father, boyfriend, and provider. It's
time to show her what you're made of. You have
a good case to get custody of the kids that
she is abandoning for a substance user. I can't be
around his own kids. She can ruin her life, but
don't allow her to ruin your kids' lives. And that's
the end of the story.

Speaker 3 (01:03:04):
Ain't that the hard truth?

Speaker 5 (01:03:05):
That is just the hard truth. Yeah, plain and simple.

Speaker 3 (01:03:08):
I'm sorry, Op.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
This this is sucks.

Speaker 3 (01:03:11):
This is a terrible situation. It does suck, but there
is a way out of it.

Speaker 4 (01:03:15):
It is stop focusing on her, stop focusing on the
affair partner, Focus on you and the.

Speaker 3 (01:03:21):
Kids, the kid who focus on yourself and get out
of that situation. And that's the un of this story.

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My ex CHEATED and filed for divorce… and still expects me not to date! -r/survivinginfidelity | Reddit Stories | EP2661

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My ex CHEATED and filed for divorce… and still expects me not to date! -r/survivinginfidelity | Reddit Stories | EP2661