February 13, 2026 • 24 mins
Manifesting love isn’t about attracting the right person, it’s about being ready for the love you’re asking for.
Today, Jay challenges the way people have been told to manifest love. Rather than focusing on affirmations, visualization, or waiting for the perfect person to arrive, Jay reframes manifesting as an internal process of alignment. He explains that love doesn’t appear simply because someone wants it badly enough, it shows up when beliefs, emotional availability, habits, and identity are aligned to support a healthy relationship.
Drawing from psychology and attachment theory, Jay explains why chemistry alone can often be misleading. He unpacks how feeling emotionally safe, knowing your worth, and staying grounded shape attraction far more than intensity or butterflies ever could. When chaos feels exciting and calm feels unfamiliar, Jay explains, it’s often because the nervous system is drawn to what feels familiar, not what is healthy. Jay shares that Manifesting love actually means learning to choose consistency alongside chemistry, clarity over confusion, and emotional availability over emotional pursuit without lowering standards or losing self-respect.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Manifest Love Without Chasing It
How to Become Emotionally Available for the Right Relationship
How to Regulate Your Nervous System Before Dating
How to Stop Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns
How to Create Environments Where Love Can Find You
How to Make Space for Love to Stay
Trust that the work you’re doing matters. Love grows when you do. And when your life finally has room for it, love won’t feel confusing or exhausting, it will feel safe, steady, and real.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
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What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:02 Attract the Relationship That Matches Your Growth
02:29 Principle #1: Emotional Availability
05:53 Principle #2: Identity Shapes Attraction
09:26 Principle #3: Proximity and Probability
12:04 Principle #4: Nervous System Compatibility
15:57 Principle #5: Standards Versus Defenses
20:00 Four Things to Focus on to Manifest Love
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let me start with something honest. Most people who say
they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that
quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because
they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition
of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing
(00:22):
the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe
to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love
doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears
when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned
with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about
(00:45):
how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a
way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful.
And if you stay with me, this episode won't just
change how you think about love. It will change how
love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You
(01:05):
don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship
you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language, that
psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far
more by emotional availability, attachment, security, and behavioral consistency than
(01:26):
by looks, money, or status, no matter what the Internet says. So,
manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming
someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about
attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when
(01:47):
they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous
system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship. It's about
making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about
fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection.
(02:08):
Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able
to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign.
It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards.
It's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we
do that. Principle one emotional availability. One of the most
(02:33):
well researched ideas in relationships science is attachment theory. Decades
of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns
of how they connect secure, anxious, or avoidant. Here's what's important.
A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology
review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as
(02:58):
more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why
because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present.
Secure people don't disappear to be chaste. Insecure people withdraw
(03:18):
to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to
the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first.
Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the
quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're
not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy,
(03:41):
or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself,
am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful? Because hope
doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this, chemistry without safety
feels was exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love
(04:06):
learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you
stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion.
It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event
during the holidays, and I was speaking of four women
who all said to me that they wanted to find
(04:27):
love and I asked them how dating was going, and
they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people.
It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from
my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized
that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this
isn't easy. But what I want to share with you
is this, when you become more emotionally available with your friends,
(04:52):
your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how
you're actually showing up as the person you want someone
to fall in love with already, guess what, there's going
to be more opportunities for you to create that connection
because you're already showing up as the person who you
(05:12):
want to be. You're already showing up as the person
that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing
up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now,
anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right. It
doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot
the opportunities. It's that you start to see whether there
might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part
is you also know when it isn't I think that's
(05:34):
another thing. A lot of us waste our time in
areas or with people that we know aren't the one
because we're so desperate and want to be with someone
that we actually miss out on someone who might be
right there because we're too busy over here, and so
making space is so important. Now Step one won't work
(05:55):
unless we understand principle two, identity shape attraction. Let's talk
about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept
predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You
don't act based on what you want. You act based
(06:17):
on who you believe you are. Studies published in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously
choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story,
even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself,
(06:38):
the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself,
is the kind of partner you allow into your life.
If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you
will find the evidence to match that. See. What our
mind does is that it seeks out proof for what
we already believe. It seeks out for what you already believe.
(07:02):
So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet
someone and it won't work out, and then you'll feel unlucky.
You are noticing, you're training your mind to notice that. So,
if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people
always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think
those thoughts, you live them. You over explain, you overgive,
(07:25):
you ignore red flags, You stay longer than you should,
because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in
your mind. If you tell everyone the story of you
know what, I've just never been able to find someone
that everyone in my life connects with, you will find
the person that everyone in your life connects with. A
(07:47):
part from your sister right, because you're trying to repeat
that evidence, you're trying to prove that to yourself. It's
fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in
other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to
see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention
to identity. You don't want to say I want a
(08:10):
healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships.
I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's
a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt,
standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the
(08:33):
line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations.
I want you to be really clear about what you
notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone
can tell two stories, the incredible things they did or
the bad things that happen to them. It's all about
(08:54):
which one you notice and which one you expand upon.
When you believe that everything you been through in your
life has brought you to this place where you're ready
for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthier relationship.
You're not going to settle for less than you deserve,
but you're not gonna have crazy expectations that aren't realistic.
(09:14):
You actually get to move forward. But when you keep
creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out,
you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now,
I know that I've talked to you about principle one
and two, but principal three is the real practical unlock.
Principal three is all about proximity and probability. Now let's
(09:38):
ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in
attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put,
the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive
they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect.
Relationships formed through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows
(10:04):
that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines,
and repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love
doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when
you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has
no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to
(10:26):
the same places at the same times around people who
share your values. This isn't forcing love, This is designing coincidence.
Think about it. So many people meet at work, so
many people meet at their place of worship. People meet
people in places of similar value like a charity. Some
people meet people at a party of a mutual friends
(10:50):
most of the time. And if you think about just
twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married
to someone within a five mile radius of where they
grew up If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our
probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us,
we're trying to find love more randomly what feels like magic,
(11:12):
what feels like synchronicity, rather than looking for it. Sometimes
in the most obvious places that are right there. You're
more likely to fall in love and find someone who's
right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone
to than somewhere where you went once. And we always
hear about those amazing stories I was on vacation. Oh,
I was taking a little sabbatical. Ah, we just bumped
(11:34):
into each other. Those are beautiful, and that's amazing. But
the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase
the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know
the most to help you find someone that you could love.
Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to
potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns
(11:59):
in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Now,
(12:24):
this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary
because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a
place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress.
Maybe you are told if you're not married by thirty
your life's been complete. If you haven't got kids by
thirty five, that's really late. And now those times play
(12:47):
on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's
stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I
interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said,
you should never go shopping when you're hungry, and in
the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving,
(13:08):
when you're feeling like you don't have anything. Think about
all the decisions you would make. If you enter the
grocery store and you are starving, you'd buy everything. It
probably won't even be good for you, and you'd probably overbuy.
You'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from
a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay,
how am I meant to go full shopping? Like? How
(13:29):
do I do that? In love? How am I meant
to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone
to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's
where Principal four comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now,
this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system
is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to
(13:51):
research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people
whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why
chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring.
Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love.
(14:14):
They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So
manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability,
and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I
feel regulated or disregulated, calm or anxious, grounded or on edge?
(14:40):
Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your
body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is
how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is
actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a
far base state, you're going to be attracted to people
in a FAA bay state because it it feels familiar,
(15:01):
even though it's not good for you. If you're always
in an anxiety based state. You're going to attract someone
who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety
because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember,
you can fall in love with someone who isn't good
for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar
in the fear and anxiety. Until you choose to regulate
(15:25):
and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able
to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right.
We think it's all about if I have everything on
the list, if I know exactly what I want, if
I'm really aware. That's what we think manifesting love is.
But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing
are from that form of manifestation. That's almost like wishful thinking,
(15:48):
it's like imagination, it's dream works. But to actually do
the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to
actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect
with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency,
makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going
to meet people that are more aligned, and that's not aligned.
(16:11):
From some spiritual mental perspective, it comes down to your
regulation of your nervous system. Principal five is all about
standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear,
calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's
(16:33):
the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say
this is what I value. Defense says this is what
I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the
right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared
that we sound like we're defending ourselves that in the
(16:55):
early stages of a relationship we will lower our standards,
we will remove boundary, we'll let someone walk right over
us because we don't want to push them away. So
what do we do. Here's how it works. Someone asks
you to do something. It's breaking a boundary of yours,
but you do it anyway because you think, well, I
like them, they like me. Let's just make it work.
(17:15):
Two months in, three months, in, maybe even two years in.
Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary.
Now that we know each other better, you now set
that boundary, and that person goes, well, why didn't you
send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I
didn't realize that was important to you. We make it
out like they're attacking us, so we're defending ourselves. No,
this one I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it
(17:36):
to be like this. No, I don't no, no, No.
It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's
important to you. I remember when Radi and I first
started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important
to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays,
on celebration days, on the weekends, like that's really really
important to me. And I'd always say to it, it's
really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm
(17:59):
out there spending time with people, sharing sharing wisdom. I
wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you,
I won't get to do that, and she wasn't saying
to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I
won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your
boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you,
setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary
(18:23):
is a great way to know whether someone truly loves
you and respects you, or whether they don't here's what
I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering
standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so
you don't have to chase. I think when we think
about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no,
(18:47):
I won't accept less than this. No, this is what
I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but
the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable.
Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something
that is important to you, is far more valuable than
sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that
(19:10):
they have to value it. This is the key. When
you share your value, it's not so that the other
person can value it to the same degree. It's so
that they can respect your value and you can continue
to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not
to convince your partner to value what you value. It's
(19:33):
to respect what they value and let them respect what
you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying
to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses,
different priorities is a waste of time, and I think
one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest
love is we look at people like a project. We
(19:54):
want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade.
That isn't love. That's called work, and love and work
are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you
actually were looking for was a project, someone who dependent
on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who
made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only
(20:16):
for you months in to realize you're putting in all
the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with
something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year,
focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system.
There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us
(20:37):
and connecting us with other people's subconscious These are usually
the things you only see when you break up with someone.
They're usually the things that you only notice when things
finally end. If you think about all your relationships that
didn't work out and go back to the moment you
connected and think about what state you were actually in
at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that
(20:59):
you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right
relationship you were looking for. The wrong things. You weren't
focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated.
And what ends up happening in that position is we
often want the other person to regulate our emotions, to
regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So
even if they are the right person, we push them
(21:22):
away because we're asking them to do all of our work.
Number two, align your identity with the relationship you want.
The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories
you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex,
and the stories you tell about your dating life are
not just stories. They your identity. If you believe you're
(21:45):
unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove
that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love,
you will find more dates to prove that is true.
You are going to prove the story you tell the
most true, So change the story to what you want
(22:06):
to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want
should be aligned. Number three, Create environments where love can
find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends,
places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's
going to magically appear. In the romantic movie way in
(22:28):
the randomnest of places, that's less likely to happen. And
the more you wait for that, the more you could
be missing out on someone who's ideal for you where
you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most.
And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone
who makes you feel safe is more important than someone
(22:51):
who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel
safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued.
Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than
chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences because
(23:11):
you want to feel safe for the rest of your life.
You want to be at peace. That's what will last.
And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough.
It arrives when your life makes room for it. To
find love, you don't need to become perfect, you need
to become present because the love you're looking for is
(23:34):
also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much
for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's
struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating
right now, send this episode to them because I truly
believe it can help them. Understand what to really focus
on when there's so much noise out there and distracting
(23:54):
us away from what really makes a difference. It's not
about a vision board, it's not about an ideal live
It's all about the topics that I've talked about today,
past this on. Thank you so much for listening, and
I'll see you here again. Remember I'm forever in your
corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, If
you love that conversation, go and check out my episode
(24:15):
with the world's leading therapist, Lorie Gottlieb, where she answers
the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it
comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying
to figure out that space right now, you won't want
to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
(24:35):
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Let me start with something honest. Most people who say
they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that
quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because
they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition
of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing
(00:22):
the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe
to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love
doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears
when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned
with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about
(00:45):
how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a
way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful.
And if you stay with me, this episode won't just
change how you think about love. It will change how
love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You
(01:05):
don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship
you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language, that
psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far
more by emotional availability, attachment, security, and behavioral consistency than
(01:26):
by looks, money, or status, no matter what the Internet says. So,
manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming
someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about
attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when
(01:47):
they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous
system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship. It's about
making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about
fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection.
(02:08):
Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able
to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign.
It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards.
It's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we
do that. Principle one emotional availability. One of the most
(02:33):
well researched ideas in relationships science is attachment theory. Decades
of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns
of how they connect secure, anxious, or avoidant. Here's what's important.
A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology
review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as
(02:58):
more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why
because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present.
Secure people don't disappear to be chaste. Insecure people withdraw
(03:18):
to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to
the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first.
Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the
quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're
not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy,
(03:41):
or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself,
am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful? Because hope
doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this, chemistry without safety
feels was exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love
(04:06):
learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you
stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion.
It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event
during the holidays, and I was speaking of four women
who all said to me that they wanted to find
(04:27):
love and I asked them how dating was going, and
they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people.
It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from
my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized
that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this
isn't easy. But what I want to share with you
is this, when you become more emotionally available with your friends,
(04:52):
your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how
you're actually showing up as the person you want someone
to fall in love with already, guess what, there's going
to be more opportunities for you to create that connection
because you're already showing up as the person who you
(05:12):
want to be. You're already showing up as the person
that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing
up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now,
anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right. It
doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot
the opportunities. It's that you start to see whether there
might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part
is you also know when it isn't I think that's
(05:34):
another thing. A lot of us waste our time in
areas or with people that we know aren't the one
because we're so desperate and want to be with someone
that we actually miss out on someone who might be
right there because we're too busy over here, and so
making space is so important. Now Step one won't work
(05:55):
unless we understand principle two, identity shape attraction. Let's talk
about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept
predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You
don't act based on what you want. You act based
(06:17):
on who you believe you are. Studies published in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously
choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story,
even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself,
(06:38):
the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself,
is the kind of partner you allow into your life.
If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you
will find the evidence to match that. See. What our
mind does is that it seeks out proof for what
we already believe. It seeks out for what you already believe.
(07:02):
So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet
someone and it won't work out, and then you'll feel unlucky.
You are noticing, you're training your mind to notice that. So,
if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people
always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think
those thoughts, you live them. You over explain, you overgive,
(07:25):
you ignore red flags, You stay longer than you should,
because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in
your mind. If you tell everyone the story of you
know what, I've just never been able to find someone
that everyone in my life connects with, you will find
the person that everyone in your life connects with. A
(07:47):
part from your sister right, because you're trying to repeat
that evidence, you're trying to prove that to yourself. It's
fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in
other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to
see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention
to identity. You don't want to say I want a
(08:10):
healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships.
I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's
a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt,
standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the
(08:33):
line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations.
I want you to be really clear about what you
notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone
can tell two stories, the incredible things they did or
the bad things that happen to them. It's all about
(08:54):
which one you notice and which one you expand upon.
When you believe that everything you been through in your
life has brought you to this place where you're ready
for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthier relationship.
You're not going to settle for less than you deserve,
but you're not gonna have crazy expectations that aren't realistic.
(09:14):
You actually get to move forward. But when you keep
creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out,
you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now,
I know that I've talked to you about principle one
and two, but principal three is the real practical unlock.
Principal three is all about proximity and probability. Now let's
(09:38):
ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in
attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put,
the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive
they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect.
Relationships formed through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows
(10:04):
that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines,
and repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love
doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when
you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has
no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to
(10:26):
the same places at the same times around people who
share your values. This isn't forcing love, This is designing coincidence.
Think about it. So many people meet at work, so
many people meet at their place of worship. People meet
people in places of similar value like a charity. Some
people meet people at a party of a mutual friends
(10:50):
most of the time. And if you think about just
twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married
to someone within a five mile radius of where they
grew up If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our
probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us,
we're trying to find love more randomly what feels like magic,
(11:12):
what feels like synchronicity, rather than looking for it. Sometimes
in the most obvious places that are right there. You're
more likely to fall in love and find someone who's
right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone
to than somewhere where you went once. And we always
hear about those amazing stories I was on vacation. Oh,
I was taking a little sabbatical. Ah, we just bumped
(11:34):
into each other. Those are beautiful, and that's amazing. But
the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase
the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know
the most to help you find someone that you could love.
Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to
potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns
(11:59):
in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Now,
(12:24):
this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary
because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a
place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress.
Maybe you are told if you're not married by thirty
your life's been complete. If you haven't got kids by
thirty five, that's really late. And now those times play
(12:47):
on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's
stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I
interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said,
you should never go shopping when you're hungry, and in
the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving,
(13:08):
when you're feeling like you don't have anything. Think about
all the decisions you would make. If you enter the
grocery store and you are starving, you'd buy everything. It
probably won't even be good for you, and you'd probably overbuy.
You'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from
a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay,
how am I meant to go full shopping? Like? How
(13:29):
do I do that? In love? How am I meant
to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone
to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's
where Principal four comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now,
this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system
is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to
(13:51):
research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people
whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why
chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring.
Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love.
(14:14):
They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So
manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability,
and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I
feel regulated or disregulated, calm or anxious, grounded or on edge?
(14:40):
Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your
body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is
how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is
actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a
far base state, you're going to be attracted to people
in a FAA bay state because it it feels familiar,
(15:01):
even though it's not good for you. If you're always
in an anxiety based state. You're going to attract someone
who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety
because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember,
you can fall in love with someone who isn't good
for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar
in the fear and anxiety. Until you choose to regulate
(15:25):
and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able
to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right.
We think it's all about if I have everything on
the list, if I know exactly what I want, if
I'm really aware. That's what we think manifesting love is.
But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing
are from that form of manifestation. That's almost like wishful thinking,
(15:48):
it's like imagination, it's dream works. But to actually do
the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to
actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect
with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency,
makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going
to meet people that are more aligned, and that's not aligned.
(16:11):
From some spiritual mental perspective, it comes down to your
regulation of your nervous system. Principal five is all about
standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear,
calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's
(16:33):
the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say
this is what I value. Defense says this is what
I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the
right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared
that we sound like we're defending ourselves that in the
(16:55):
early stages of a relationship we will lower our standards,
we will remove boundary, we'll let someone walk right over
us because we don't want to push them away. So
what do we do. Here's how it works. Someone asks
you to do something. It's breaking a boundary of yours,
but you do it anyway because you think, well, I
like them, they like me. Let's just make it work.
(17:15):
Two months in, three months, in, maybe even two years in.
Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary.
Now that we know each other better, you now set
that boundary, and that person goes, well, why didn't you
send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I
didn't realize that was important to you. We make it
out like they're attacking us, so we're defending ourselves. No,
this one I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it
(17:36):
to be like this. No, I don't no, no, No.
It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's
important to you. I remember when Radi and I first
started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important
to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays,
on celebration days, on the weekends, like that's really really
important to me. And I'd always say to it, it's
really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm
(17:59):
out there spending time with people, sharing sharing wisdom. I
wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you,
I won't get to do that, and she wasn't saying
to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I
won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your
boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you,
setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary
(18:23):
is a great way to know whether someone truly loves
you and respects you, or whether they don't here's what
I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering
standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so
you don't have to chase. I think when we think
about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no,
(18:47):
I won't accept less than this. No, this is what
I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but
the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable.
Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something
that is important to you, is far more valuable than
sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that
(19:10):
they have to value it. This is the key. When
you share your value, it's not so that the other
person can value it to the same degree. It's so
that they can respect your value and you can continue
to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not
to convince your partner to value what you value. It's
(19:33):
to respect what they value and let them respect what
you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying
to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses,
different priorities is a waste of time, and I think
one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest
love is we look at people like a project. We
(19:54):
want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade.
That isn't love. That's called work, and love and work
are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you
actually were looking for was a project, someone who dependent
on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who
made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only
(20:16):
for you months in to realize you're putting in all
the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with
something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year,
focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system.
There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us
(20:37):
and connecting us with other people's subconscious These are usually
the things you only see when you break up with someone.
They're usually the things that you only notice when things
finally end. If you think about all your relationships that
didn't work out and go back to the moment you
connected and think about what state you were actually in
at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that
(20:59):
you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right
relationship you were looking for. The wrong things. You weren't
focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated.
And what ends up happening in that position is we
often want the other person to regulate our emotions, to
regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So
even if they are the right person, we push them
(21:22):
away because we're asking them to do all of our work.
Number two, align your identity with the relationship you want.
The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories
you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex,
and the stories you tell about your dating life are
not just stories. They your identity. If you believe you're
(21:45):
unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove
that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love,
you will find more dates to prove that is true.
You are going to prove the story you tell the
most true, So change the story to what you want
(22:06):
to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want
should be aligned. Number three, Create environments where love can
find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends,
places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's
going to magically appear. In the romantic movie way in
(22:28):
the randomnest of places, that's less likely to happen. And
the more you wait for that, the more you could
be missing out on someone who's ideal for you where
you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most.
And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone
who makes you feel safe is more important than someone
(22:51):
who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel
safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued.
Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than
chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences because
(23:11):
you want to feel safe for the rest of your life.
You want to be at peace. That's what will last.
And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough.
It arrives when your life makes room for it. To
find love, you don't need to become perfect, you need
to become present because the love you're looking for is
(23:34):
also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much
for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's
struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating
right now, send this episode to them because I truly
believe it can help them. Understand what to really focus
on when there's so much noise out there and distracting
(23:54):
us away from what really makes a difference. It's not
about a vision board, it's not about an ideal live
It's all about the topics that I've talked about today,
past this on. Thank you so much for listening, and
I'll see you here again. Remember I'm forever in your
corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, If
you love that conversation, go and check out my episode
(24:15):
with the world's leading therapist, Lorie Gottlieb, where she answers
the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it
comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying
to figure out that space right now, you won't want
to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
(24:35):
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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