How do you know if someone’s really right for you?
Has there ever been a time you thought someone was right for you but turned out wrong?
Today, Jay brings together four of today’s most insightful voices on love and relationships, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb, for a deep and honest look at what it really takes to find meaningful connection in the modern world. They share how our signals, habits, and self-perception shape our experiences in dating far more than luck or timing ever could. Vanessa breaks down the subtle science of attraction, and why confidence and openness often matter more than appearance. Jillian helps us face our fear of rejection, reminding us that love isn’t about finding “the one,” but about choosing and growing with someone intentionally.
Sadia and Lori take us deeper, showing how self-esteem, honesty, and emotional maturity determine who we allow into our lives. Sadia challenges the patterns that keep us stuck with the wrong people, while Lori highlights the courage it takes to speak our truth and set boundaries early on. Together, their insights form a roadmap for dating that feels healthy, grounded, and real.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Build Confidence Through Body Language
How to Date Without Burning Out
How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection
How to Choose the Right Person, Not the Perfect One
How to Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People
How to Be Honest About What You Want in Love
Love isn’t something that happens by accident, it’s something you learn to create with intention. Every experience, whether it leads to a spark or a lesson, brings you closer to understanding what you truly need and deserve.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty.
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:50 The Flirtation Signals You’re Missing
09:19 The Three Biggest Dating Mistakes
13:32 Rejection is Like a Muscle
16:37 You Shouldn’t Rush Real Love
21:17 The Fear of the Unknown in Relationships
22:22 Who You Give Your Energy To Shapes Your Love Life
24:29 Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People?
26:01 The Real Reason You’re Struggling to Find a Partner
27:49 Are Your Standards Too High?
29:16 Is It Ever Okay to Ghost?
30:52 The Power of Being Honest About What You Want
32:47 Your Present Habits Reveal Your Relationship’s Future
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What if you've been approaching dating all wrong. Maybe you've
put yourself out there but nothing clicks, or you're still
waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today
are open to love, yet more than sixty percent feel
burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't
about perfection. It's about showing up, authentically, reading the right signals,
(00:21):
and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by
body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Tareki,
relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb. A masterclass
on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships. That last, Let's get
into it.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Seti Jay Sheety.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Social scientist Vanessa van Edwards shifts our attention to the
subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in
dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that
we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows
we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only twenty eight
percent of the time, and women often have to send
(01:13):
multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen
and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at
a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space.
Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes,
you want to signal to someone to make a move.
You want to let them know that you find them attractive,
(01:33):
that you'd like them to do something. But you want
to be subtle. You don't want to give it away.
How do you let someone know that they should make
a move without giving it away.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably
not going to like, but it's so important. It's a
phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very
well studied that we tend to think we are over
obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar,
they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting,
(02:04):
women and men who think they are being obvious with
their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea. Okay,
that's so good. They even counted the number of flirtation signals.
This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they
counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people. In the
room they found in ten minutes. How many signals do
(02:27):
you think it took for a woman to show a
man she was interested? How many in ten minutes? How
many signals did she have to.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Send when it actually worked?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
When it actually worked.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna
go thirty.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Twenty nine, Oh, okay, cool, that's it. But do you
know how many signals that is in ten minutes? A
law of signals that is that is pretty constant. And
if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three. Right,
It was only because you gave me a sense that
there was more. I probably would have said three seven.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
That is what women think is it was needed. I
sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over.
He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he
doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick
of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten
minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh,
she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the
(03:14):
conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability?
And this is what's most important is in the same
group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most
attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness got approached
less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Fascinating.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough,
you won't be approached.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively
attractive you are?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
You have to be available more.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
So what they found and this is so it's ridiculous
that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand
that something. I think we use attractiveness as an excuse
I'm not pretty enough or I'm.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Not this enough.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
No, actually, some unattractive women whose signaled availability got approached more.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you
think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how
you smell, all those things are great, but they will
not work if you do not know the body language
signals of availability, and you have to be super clear
with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yeah, I'm going to demo it for you.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Okay, So flirty glances are typically they little look at
Gaye patterns is we sweep the room with our eyes
and then we see someone we.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Like we oh yeah, nice little side glans.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, like very brief. It's a look.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
It's a look back, but then look back. Yeah, and
it's a side look or a down and up look.
The down and up look works really well because you're
looking up through your lashes.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
So if you want to look at the classic example
of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has
her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.
That is a look that we just like. We just
like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing
around the room and then eye contact away, I contact away.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these,
so we got to get really comfortable with trying.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he
doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Glans, right, So eye contact smiles, a self touch is
also considered a flirty glance.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
So like if I.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Play with my hair or I play with my dress,
that's a way of signaling our hair health. From from
evolutionary perspective, it's like, look, how healthy I am my
healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons
why we tend to like long hair. We'll also when
they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin.
This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why some women
(05:39):
will touch their neck or touch their lips is because
they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very,
very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important
in friendships for example. It's a little bit off the
side of dating. But I just want to explain why
smell is so important. I just read this study and
I was like, what. They had women wear white T
shirts with no deodorant, no nothing, so just their natural
(06:00):
smell for twenty four hours. They took these T shirts
and they had other women smell these T shirts and
rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay,
imagine your opening is the thought bag and you're smelling shit.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Painful study.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
I would have loved it. Okay, I would have loved it.
Sign me up in the researchers. I'm there. So they
had them smell the T shirts and had them rate
them on how much they liked the smell. Then they
had all the women interact in person, they didn't know
who's who. The smell they liked the best predicted who
they liked the best in person, so they actually found
their people. There is something to it. So when you're
(06:35):
self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release
this natural smell of like, I'm going to probably click
with you. That's why you good if you smell good,
and good is subjective, like that's why I think white.
Sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking. We like each
other's smell. So being available also like releasing pheromone self
touch And then this one is not from the research,
(06:57):
but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I
think the best way to show availability is one word,
and it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk
to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk
by them, Hey, just like that, because look, by the way,
(07:17):
this is for both men and women, okay, because life
is too short to not hay right, And there's no
pressure if you walk by someone in the gym, right
and you're like hey, even if they have their air pods,
and if they like you, they're gonna be like hey, right.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say
it matters you. Hey, It's not like that.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
It's pretty good, okay, all right, okay, so I'll do.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
See men.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Men do good with a downward inflection, So like that
down reflection is good. So if it goes good, the
guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not into it,
he's gonna be like hey, right.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
No problem, right, like cool. Hey. So it's like the.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store.
When even by the way, if someone has airputs on there,
it's still going to see you go. They're going to
take out their heir fine, and they're gonna be like hey,
So here's the difference, right, So I am using the
lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important
for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how
(08:18):
confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of
hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most
important word you can say, really is hey, that's it.
You just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's
specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are
listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So
(08:40):
right now, I'm working really hard to use the lowest
end of my natural voice because I know that people
are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When
I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher
in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit
more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit
more like this. Now, if I were to do the
entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive
you crazy. It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like
(09:01):
to be around people, or we could catch their anxiety.
We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found
that we match the voice resonance of the most important
person in the room. So when they tested people, they
found that they subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important
person rom their own resonance.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats
attractiveness every time people respond to signals of openness, not perfection.
Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in mirroring someone's
energy can make a huge difference in who you attract.
It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that
(09:40):
even a casual Hay can lead to big results. Some
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(10:02):
and how I was able to find the exact same
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thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back,
not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one.
(10:25):
So I started searching and that's when I found it
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Things People Love. Listen to on Purpose on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Love expert
(11:01):
Jillian Treki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make
and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection.
She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but
about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks.
True connection often grows slowly, and with seventy percent of
people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can
(11:25):
sabotage something meaningful, and above all, choosing who to share
your life with is one of the most important decisions
you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What are the three
biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like? What
am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be
the top question.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just
be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps.
Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you
just focus on that, that's going to burn you out
and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a
bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people
make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that
(12:05):
you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with,
Like it's just.
Speaker 6 (12:10):
Not that easy. But you have to get out there.
You have to be proactive.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Look, there are people who are sitting around on their
couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the
couch next to them, and it's not going to happen
that way. So you can either live your life to
the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one
day organically it may or may not happen if you
put yourself out there and you wide in your circle,
(12:38):
or you actually have to be proactive, and that might
mean going on a like dating like at your business,
like going on a bunch of dates every single week
with this low of an expectation as possible. Because one
of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like
I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but
you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel
like there's a vibe, and then you go out and
(12:59):
you're like, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it,
and then there's this People then get into learned helplessness.
And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know,
it's the why me. This is never going to happen.
It's this state that I am in is permanent, like
I will never find anyone.
Speaker 4 (13:15):
No.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your
social skills. Social skills are things that most people are
not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think
that they're really great at it. It takes a lot
to really talk to someone and not interview them and
actually be curious about them.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
You know a lot of people are nervous.
Speaker 5 (13:35):
So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and
getting to know someone, and who knows, maybe you make
a friend and maybe you never want to see that
person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three
biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not
actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting
these certain things unfold organically. Number two impatience. Number three
(13:59):
just sort of high expectations. But I want to add
another one if I can please people, get into these
very long I mean when I say long, like weeks
texting exchanges with these people and it gives them a
false sense of intimacy, Oh I have this amazing connection.
They never even met the person.
Speaker 6 (14:18):
And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Text a little bit back and forth like a day,
and make a date to either meet on FaceTime zoom
or in person. You really should go about it as
if your time is too precious to waste texting back
and forth with a stranger who may.
Speaker 6 (14:35):
Not be available for a month.
Speaker 5 (14:37):
Yeah, for a month or more, and then you're getting
all excited. I understand, like the thrill of it, and
it's all it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Honestly, you know, meet the person.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at
the root of that for so many people, and one
of the things that came to me was this fear
of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to
this person for a month is because I don't have
to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to
meet me again, or the resistance that we have to
(15:11):
make work and dating feel the same. I know so
many people who will cancel on dates last minute because
they're scared of well what if I go and it
doesn't work out? And rejection, by the way, is two
types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person
doesn't want me, and the other type of rejection is
that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I
(15:33):
don't want to be with them. So I'm not just
saying rejection in that we're scared of, well what if
that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the
am I going to reject another person. And like you said,
with the high expectations, what do we do about both
of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's
take the more obvious one to start with. We all
(15:54):
want to be loved, We want to be liked. We
all want the next person to be the person. Chances
oh that's not going to happen. We know that, yeah,
but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going
to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're
not right for me, or you know, don't really want
to see you again. Like, how do you get over that?
Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship, we talk
(16:14):
about it in life, but when you do it with love,
it seems so personal.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love.
It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who.
Speaker 6 (16:23):
You don't know. This is just human nature.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
We go on dates, even if we're not into the person.
Speaker 5 (16:29):
We want them to be into us or right yes,
or like we find them. Let's say we find them attractive,
and then we find out, wait, you're not into me,
you don't find me attractive. Yeah, but life, really, the
quality of our lives is very much determined by how
well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to
be for everyone, And I really believe this with all
(16:51):
of my heart and soul. If someone is not into
you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the
early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not
feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not
for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to
build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it
makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just
(17:15):
part of life. And I know that it's like you're
putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like
a magic pill that I could give people to just
get over it. But you have to become more resilient
when it comes to that. You know, you can't be
hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It
sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that, honestly, you.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Really really do.
Speaker 5 (17:36):
And you have to just trust that, like, you're not
for everyone and not everyone's for you, and yes it's awkward,
and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of
it all, you know, but you still have to if
you want love and you want a relationship, you have
to go for it.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
You can't just be passive.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
You're looking for one person to fall in love with
you and for you to fall in love with yes,
And for that you're going to have to meet a
lot of people to find that one person. But all
you need is one person to say yes, one person
to say I do, one person to say I love you.
And if you're only looking for one person, just by
the nature of odds, you should know that that probably
(18:15):
won't be the next person. So switching to that, you
said one thing about kind of going in at the
lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're
allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to
become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what
it is, Yes, as opposed to us walking in and
going this next person's going to be my wife, my husband,
(18:35):
whatever it may be, Yeah, my partner. I think it's
so natural for so many of us to want to
speed up love, Like speeding up love seems to be
our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet
the one now that we're daying. I just want to
get married. Now, you know, it's we're trying to accelerate
love almost so how do we slow it down and
(18:57):
how do we take it back to baseline?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Number one?
Speaker 6 (19:00):
Is there is no the one?
Speaker 5 (19:03):
There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the
one is. And this is really really important. Love, as
I'm sure you know, is a choice, like it's a
feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that
love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice,
and that when if you do decide to be with
(19:24):
someone long term, you're going to have to make that
choice many many times throughout your relationship, which is I
choose you, right. So people want to rush it, and
so what they do and what I've done is that
we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been
lied by society that there is in romanticism, that there
is this one person who's going to come into your
(19:45):
life and rescue you and make your life better, and
that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier.
And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships,
but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less
that you've been modeled what it is to actually really
love someone. The more you are going to be challenged
(20:07):
to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to
actually love someone and to do love to where it's
a verb and not just a feeling. So how do
we slow it down? And we just want to rush it?
It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people
they meet there's chemistry, and I know that this was me.
(20:30):
I think if there's chemistry, then this is it as
opposed to well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry,
and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So
maybe I need to slow down a little bit and
sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about I
don't want anyone to I don't want to rain on
anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in
the beginning, but you want to just say, Okay, hold on,
(20:52):
what am I feeling right now? This feels really good,
this is really exciting, But I need to slow down
because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I
need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get
a little bit clearer on what it is that I need,
what it is that I value and what it is
that I really really want, not just my preference, but
(21:13):
what do I need in order to function in a relationship.
Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's
difficult women, childbearing, age, societal pressures, get married. I understand.
I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that
I can stress that who you decide to partner with
is one of the most important decisions you will ever
(21:36):
make in your entire life. And we are meant to
kind of get it wrong, and some of us get
it wrong for a longer time than others right, but
it is the most important decision. So if you're going
to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice.
And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes,
(21:59):
you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to
not be loved, you don't want to be in the
dating world.
Speaker 6 (22:05):
I get all of that.
Speaker 5 (22:06):
Be mindful of it, you know, connect to that within yourself,
and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend
your life with might be one of the most important decisions,
if not the most important decision, because there's no one
in your life who's going to have a bigger impact
on your overall well being an emotional state than the
(22:27):
person who you choose to spend your life with. So
you've got to take that decision very seriously and not
rush it.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
I have often said to friends, there's the pain of
being single, and there's the pain of being in the
wrong relationship. Yes, and the pain of being single is
a lot better than the pain of being in the
wrong relationship.
Speaker 6 (22:46):
Agree one hundred percent. Agree one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got
and meshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity,
there's as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values. Yes,
the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but
actually they showed it all along and you didn't see
the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier
(23:12):
when I was single, and you can't see that when
you're single, because the promise of being in a relationship
is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I
must have that now.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Yes, And.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when
I'm single, but they're actually free to go back to it,
and that's why they stay in these relationships, because we
fear the unknown.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking
for that one person, understand that it might not be
the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up.
It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger, and
more grounded in who you are and what needs you have.
When you do that, you're able to show up authentically
and honor what you deserve. So often in dating, we
(24:17):
obsess over who we're attracting, but the real question is
who are entertaining the next guest. Is relationship coach Sadia Khan.
Nearly eighty percent of datas report being ghosted at least once,
and Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of
us can attract all types of people. The problem is
what we normalize, the late night text, the dismissiveness, the
(24:41):
person who never makes space for you. That's where we
lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like
they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't
want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity
for connection. Why is it?
Speaker 7 (24:56):
It's not what we attract us what we entertain. Most
people can attract much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough,
we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have
low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people
are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed
to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he
doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really
ask me how my day is. It's normal that he
only texts me at twelve am on a Friday night.
(25:18):
And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they
start to accept what's actually not going to lead to
a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what
they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their
power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men,
but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are
the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the
ones that leave me worrying what this is and where
(25:39):
this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I
start to learn that that is a signal that they've
got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is
delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay
my ability to have a family, and so on and
so forth. So we can attract all types of men,
but we only entertain the ones that will enable you
to start a family, in a relationship, or whatever your
goal is. They enable that, and if they don't, pople that,
(26:00):
try and lose attraction for them.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Why do we feel more attracted to people who make
us anxious and who are unavailable. Why is it that
we think that they're the ones worth chasing.
Speaker 7 (26:10):
Firstly, if we have low self esteem, we kind of
see as that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's
supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably
not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated
like this if that's your low self esteem. But the
other thing is unavailable men. Sometimes they demonstrate the idea
of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem
(26:32):
more desirable, and because of that mystery, we assume that
they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives, there's
something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive.
When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature.
They're not special. Guy that's got a million things going,
and his work is taking over and he's so so busy.
Speaker 6 (26:49):
Actually, he's just emotionally mature.
Speaker 7 (26:50):
He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't how to
ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at
the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal
of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so
attractive to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
I think, just pot on when I'm listening to you,
I'm thinking, if you want someone, like anyone should who
texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not
an abnormal request.
Speaker 7 (27:14):
And nobody is that busy, I know, like men like
to sound busy at work or I've got this going on,
I'm that stressed, completely understandable, but one text to let
that person know will enable them to just relax the
whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or
the empathy to just send that quick text. Then that
person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship,
and they're probably not worth your investment.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting
that far because they're meeting people on dating app yeah,
and so you're swiping away. You might get into a
conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's
talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like no one,
It doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do
you say to men and women who feel like they've
(27:54):
been rejected a few too many times and they're losing
that faith and ability to feel that there is someone
out there for them, Just to.
Speaker 7 (28:02):
Be careful on are you actually not matching or are
you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is
because of social media and because of dating apps, we
enter relationships with almost like a double standard or a
sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well,
if he's not the dream guy, or she's not the
dream girl, if he's not a high value man and
she's not a high value woman, we start to look
(28:22):
at our matches with a level of distaste, when sometimes
a better thing to do is look at the people
who are matching with you and try and see are
they actually that bad?
Speaker 6 (28:32):
Is there something wrong with them?
Speaker 7 (28:33):
Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea
or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access.
I always just think the more you like the person
you are, the higher your self esteem, The more you
like people who like you, the fact that the person
that are matching you automatically you start to like them
more because they've matched you, because you like you and
they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem,
(28:53):
you chase after people that you can't access. So my
advice to people who's always start with who likes you.
Always start with that poor and then home in on
that pull and see if you've got similar demographics, values,
so on and so forth. But where people go wrong
is they glorify the people that they're not matching with
and wanting a love that they've never been able to access,
and then comparing who they do get matched with these
(29:14):
alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is
to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards
to those people who are actually invested in you.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking
people are going to say is, well, why do I
have to settle?
Speaker 7 (29:28):
If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are
too high. And what I mean by that is I
sometimes We meet men who are in maybe in their forties,
on their second divorce and saying, I don't want a
woman with baggage, so I need somebody twenty five years old.
Speaker 6 (29:41):
I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll.
Speaker 7 (29:43):
Meet women who are you not working and they say
I want a man that's an entrepreneur, got six figures.
But I always just say you shouldn't you be looking
for someone similar to you? And if similar to you
it starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your
standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to
the table and what you're receiving, if you're ask you
for that, you're not asking for too much. But if
you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your
(30:04):
self worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards
a little bit. So ask yourself it does similarity feel
like settling. If it does, then maybe we need to
work on ourselves to be able to access people that
we're actually craving.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Yeah, it's so much of what you're doing about it
is just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's
such a need to be honest with ourselves.
Speaker 6 (30:23):
And it's harder.
Speaker 7 (30:23):
It's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we
are bombarded with advice from tiktoks and advice from you know,
people that are giving advice about never settle. You're somebody's
dream girl, or this is a high value woman. So
we think that if we get anything less than what
our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling, when really, as long
as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and
where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling.
(30:46):
We're just finding somebody who's compatible.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
I mean, so many people on dating apps these days,
their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've
had a million people about feeling like, hey, we were
having a good chat and this person just disappeared. Yeah,
what would be your advice as someone who feels like
they've got ghosted?
Speaker 7 (31:04):
I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately,
in the digital world, people see each other as disposable
and there's very minimal investments, so they don't always feel
like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're
ghosting is either they've met alternatives or they might have
just been on the app to buy some time. To
heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner.
They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind
(31:26):
of recover from some kind of stress that they're going
through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you,
try not to take it too personal. But if you've
been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances
are they're hiding information. Ghosters regardless of their reason, they're
still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have
for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great
at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people
(31:49):
who can't communicate well.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Sardia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person,
but having this self esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones.
If someone leaves you, and that's not chemistry, it's immaturity.
If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped
by comparison culture, And if someone ghests you, it's poor
(32:11):
communication reason enough to walk away. In the end, who
you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships.
Build your self esteem, use your agency, and invest in
those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Lori
Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating,
(32:32):
speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the
courage to leave. Being honest about what you want is
a needy it's brave. Yet sixty percent of people admit
staying in relationships longer than they should, while only six
percent leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, its avoidance.
The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else,
(32:55):
it's growing yourself.
Speaker 8 (32:56):
Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know,
I think by the person that I'm dating is also
dating other people. I would like to not date other people,
but I'm afraid that all appear too needy too early,
right as opposed to just being honest about what you want.
They can say yes or no, but to be clear
about Look, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with I
(33:17):
can't really feel like I can get close to you
if I know that you're dating other people at this point,
because we're spending a lot of time together. So how
do you feel about this? Are you ready to be
in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you?
If they say no, Wow, great, you've learned a lot.
You can make a choice like I'm comfortable doing this
for another month or I'm not, or you know, whatever
(33:37):
it is. Or they can say, oh, I didn't know
that that was important to you, and I would like
that too, let's do that, or I'm not ready to
do that. So people do this in all kinds of situations.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
It's not just about marriage.
Speaker 8 (33:50):
They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into
the kind of relationship where the whole game here is
bringing your true self to it.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
So if you.
Speaker 8 (33:59):
Can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're
not ready to be together for the long term. You
can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I
can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for
a disaster, because now it's like you've misrepresented what you
actually want and need in a relationship, and maybe the
other person has misinterpreted what you want to need because
you haven't expressed it.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
But we're so's I'm fully with you. I just find
that we're so it's so hardwired in us, like we're
so scared of rejection. How do you feel about those shows?
And yes they're entertaining, and yes, we love to get
into all the gossip and what's going on and everything.
How is that affecting our views and our own relationships?
Speaker 8 (34:39):
Yeah, I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of
my therapy clients talk about them.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
You know. Finding love is just such a important pillar
of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart
when I see that we're tripping ourselves up. And when
I ask my community what was one of the things
that they think trips them up, it was this idea
that they we have now coined future tripping, this idea
of planning the future in their head, visioning a future
(35:06):
with this person. When things are looking okay or good
in their head, they're you know, in the most extreme cases,
imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like.
But even in the immediate sense, like this could be it,
this is amazing, this is going to last, And then
all of a sudden they get a reality check with
that person is not really mirroring that back. How do
(35:27):
we stop ourselves from future tripping or is there a
healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there
a collective collaborative future tripping? Like what does that look like?
Speaker 8 (35:37):
I think the future tripping is being in the present.
And what I mean is what's happening now is what
is going to look like in the future. So instead
of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way,
or we're going to have this kind of life, but
you don't know if the other person wants that kind
of life. If you're not talking about it now in
the present, you don't know how does this person treat
me now? What is it like when we're together? The
(35:59):
biggest decatur would be we had a disagreement, how did
we get through it?
Speaker 2 (36:04):
That's what your future is going to look like.
Speaker 8 (36:07):
We didn't agree on this, We were frustrated with each other,
We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair
that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair.
Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your
family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents,
with your children, especially with your romantic partners. Because we
have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture
(36:29):
with them because we're so in love and we see
each other and we see eye to eye.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
But of course you're going to have ruptures.
Speaker 8 (36:35):
It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture,
it's what do you do with it and what does
it look like. So if you have been dating for
let's say six months, and you haven't had a rupture,
you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't
know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior.
You have to be able to be yourselves. That's going
to tell you what the future looks like. So stop
the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future
(36:59):
to look like. It's like you want your future to
look like, see how the other person acts and see
what happens between the two of you, and a repair
would look like something like, Oh, I didn't you know
we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take
fifteen minutes and let's come back when we're not so
heated and let's talk about that.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what
I've been thinking about this.
Speaker 8 (37:23):
You know, say you have an argument, you say we're
not going to talk for a few minutes, let's go
cool off.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Whatever.
Speaker 8 (37:29):
You call them back and you say, you know what
I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry.
Here's what I did, and I wish I had done
it this way, and that's great if your partner can
do that, or if you can do that right, and
then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you,
if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and
I wish that I had reacted differently in this way,
(37:52):
and how can I be more supportive in those moments?
That's beautiful. That's your future, but you have to see
it in the present. You can't imagine what the future
is going to be. You have to actually live it
in the present and say, oh, now, I know it's
going to be just like it is right now.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah. And like you're saying, like, if you are making
plans in your head but you're uncomfortable to talk about
those plans, then they only exist in your head, yea,
Like they aren't real. They aren't they aren't going there
to take away. Your needs in dating are valid. Your
truth is enough, and your growth will either deepen the
connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just
(38:29):
about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity,
and self worth. Here's what we heard today that I
want you to remember. You can't attract the right person
until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what
you want until you learn to ask for it. You
will attract what you're willing to entertain, and real chemistry
(38:50):
comes from honesty, openness, and courage, whether you're just putting
yourself back out there or actively dating. Remember, love isn't found,
it's created, and you're worthy of creating it. If you
love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with
Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and
find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
your future self is doing something that gives him or
her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life
What if you've been approaching dating all wrong. Maybe you've
put yourself out there but nothing clicks, or you're still
waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today
are open to love, yet more than sixty percent feel
burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't
about perfection. It's about showing up, authentically, reading the right signals,
(00:21):
and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by
body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Tareki,
relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb. A masterclass
on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships. That last, Let's get
into it.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Seti Jay Sheety.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Social scientist Vanessa van Edwards shifts our attention to the
subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in
dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that
we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows
we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only twenty eight
percent of the time, and women often have to send
(01:13):
multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen
and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at
a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space.
Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes,
you want to signal to someone to make a move.
You want to let them know that you find them attractive,
(01:33):
that you'd like them to do something. But you want
to be subtle. You don't want to give it away.
How do you let someone know that they should make
a move without giving it away.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably
not going to like, but it's so important. It's a
phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very
well studied that we tend to think we are over
obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar,
they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting,
(02:04):
women and men who think they are being obvious with
their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea. Okay,
that's so good. They even counted the number of flirtation signals.
This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they
counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people. In the
room they found in ten minutes. How many signals do
(02:27):
you think it took for a woman to show a
man she was interested? How many in ten minutes? How
many signals did she have to.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Send when it actually worked?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
When it actually worked.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna
go thirty.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Twenty nine, Oh, okay, cool, that's it. But do you
know how many signals that is in ten minutes? A
law of signals that is that is pretty constant. And
if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three. Right,
It was only because you gave me a sense that
there was more. I probably would have said three seven.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
That is what women think is it was needed. I
sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over.
He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he
doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick
of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten
minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh,
she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the
(03:14):
conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability?
And this is what's most important is in the same
group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most
attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness got approached
less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Fascinating.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough,
you won't be approached.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively
attractive you are?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
You have to be available more.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
So what they found and this is so it's ridiculous
that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand
that something. I think we use attractiveness as an excuse
I'm not pretty enough or I'm.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Not this enough.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
No, actually, some unattractive women whose signaled availability got approached more.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you
think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how
you smell, all those things are great, but they will
not work if you do not know the body language
signals of availability, and you have to be super clear
with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yeah, I'm going to demo it for you.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Okay, So flirty glances are typically they little look at
Gaye patterns is we sweep the room with our eyes
and then we see someone we.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Like we oh yeah, nice little side glans.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, like very brief. It's a look.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
It's a look back, but then look back. Yeah, and
it's a side look or a down and up look.
The down and up look works really well because you're
looking up through your lashes.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
So if you want to look at the classic example
of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has
her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.
That is a look that we just like. We just
like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing
around the room and then eye contact away, I contact away.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these,
so we got to get really comfortable with trying.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he
doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Glans, right, So eye contact smiles, a self touch is
also considered a flirty glance.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
So like if I.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Play with my hair or I play with my dress,
that's a way of signaling our hair health. From from
evolutionary perspective, it's like, look, how healthy I am my
healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons
why we tend to like long hair. We'll also when
they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin.
This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why some women
(05:39):
will touch their neck or touch their lips is because
they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very,
very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important
in friendships for example. It's a little bit off the
side of dating. But I just want to explain why
smell is so important. I just read this study and
I was like, what. They had women wear white T
shirts with no deodorant, no nothing, so just their natural
(06:00):
smell for twenty four hours. They took these T shirts
and they had other women smell these T shirts and
rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay,
imagine your opening is the thought bag and you're smelling shit.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Painful study.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
I would have loved it. Okay, I would have loved it.
Sign me up in the researchers. I'm there. So they
had them smell the T shirts and had them rate
them on how much they liked the smell. Then they
had all the women interact in person, they didn't know
who's who. The smell they liked the best predicted who
they liked the best in person, so they actually found
their people. There is something to it. So when you're
(06:35):
self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release
this natural smell of like, I'm going to probably click
with you. That's why you good if you smell good,
and good is subjective, like that's why I think white.
Sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking. We like each
other's smell. So being available also like releasing pheromone self
touch And then this one is not from the research,
(06:57):
but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I
think the best way to show availability is one word,
and it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk
to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk
by them, Hey, just like that, because look, by the way,
(07:17):
this is for both men and women, okay, because life
is too short to not hay right, And there's no
pressure if you walk by someone in the gym, right
and you're like hey, even if they have their air pods,
and if they like you, they're gonna be like hey, right.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say
it matters you. Hey, It's not like that.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
It's pretty good, okay, all right, okay, so I'll do.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
See men.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Men do good with a downward inflection, So like that
down reflection is good. So if it goes good, the
guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not into it,
he's gonna be like hey, right.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
No problem, right, like cool. Hey. So it's like the.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store.
When even by the way, if someone has airputs on there,
it's still going to see you go. They're going to
take out their heir fine, and they're gonna be like hey,
So here's the difference, right, So I am using the
lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important
for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how
(08:18):
confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of
hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most
important word you can say, really is hey, that's it.
You just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's
specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are
listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So
(08:40):
right now, I'm working really hard to use the lowest
end of my natural voice because I know that people
are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When
I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher
in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit
more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit
more like this. Now, if I were to do the
entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive
you crazy. It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like
(09:01):
to be around people, or we could catch their anxiety.
We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found
that we match the voice resonance of the most important
person in the room. So when they tested people, they
found that they subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important
person rom their own resonance.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats
attractiveness every time people respond to signals of openness, not perfection.
Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in mirroring someone's
energy can make a huge difference in who you attract.
It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that
(09:40):
even a casual Hay can lead to big results. Some
moments in your life stay with you forever. In a
special segment of On Purpose, I share a story about
a book that changed my life early in my journey,
(10:02):
and how I was able to find the exact same
edition on eBay years later. There are certain books that
don't just give you information, they shift the way you
see the world. I remember reading one when I was
younger that completely changed me. Years later, I found myself
thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back,
not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one.
(10:25):
So I started searching and that's when I found it
on eBay. That's what I love about eBay. It's not
just a marketplace, it's a place where stories live. Shop
eBay for millions of fines, each with a story. eBay
Things People Love. Listen to on Purpose on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Love expert
(11:01):
Jillian Treki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make
and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection.
She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but
about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks.
True connection often grows slowly, and with seventy percent of
people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can
(11:25):
sabotage something meaningful, and above all, choosing who to share
your life with is one of the most important decisions
you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What are the three
biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like? What
am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be
the top question.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just
be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps.
Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you
just focus on that, that's going to burn you out
and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a
bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people
make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that
(12:05):
you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with,
Like it's just.
Speaker 6 (12:10):
Not that easy. But you have to get out there.
You have to be proactive.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Look, there are people who are sitting around on their
couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the
couch next to them, and it's not going to happen
that way. So you can either live your life to
the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one
day organically it may or may not happen if you
put yourself out there and you wide in your circle,
(12:38):
or you actually have to be proactive, and that might
mean going on a like dating like at your business,
like going on a bunch of dates every single week
with this low of an expectation as possible. Because one
of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like
I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but
you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel
like there's a vibe, and then you go out and
(12:59):
you're like, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it,
and then there's this People then get into learned helplessness.
And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know,
it's the why me. This is never going to happen.
It's this state that I am in is permanent, like
I will never find anyone.
Speaker 4 (13:15):
No.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your
social skills. Social skills are things that most people are
not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think
that they're really great at it. It takes a lot
to really talk to someone and not interview them and
actually be curious about them.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
You know a lot of people are nervous.
Speaker 5 (13:35):
So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and
getting to know someone, and who knows, maybe you make
a friend and maybe you never want to see that
person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three
biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not
actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting
these certain things unfold organically. Number two impatience. Number three
(13:59):
just sort of high expectations. But I want to add
another one if I can please people, get into these
very long I mean when I say long, like weeks
texting exchanges with these people and it gives them a
false sense of intimacy, Oh I have this amazing connection.
They never even met the person.
Speaker 6 (14:18):
And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Text a little bit back and forth like a day,
and make a date to either meet on FaceTime zoom
or in person. You really should go about it as
if your time is too precious to waste texting back
and forth with a stranger who may.
Speaker 6 (14:35):
Not be available for a month.
Speaker 5 (14:37):
Yeah, for a month or more, and then you're getting
all excited. I understand, like the thrill of it, and
it's all it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Honestly, you know, meet the person.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at
the root of that for so many people, and one
of the things that came to me was this fear
of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to
this person for a month is because I don't have
to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to
meet me again, or the resistance that we have to
(15:11):
make work and dating feel the same. I know so
many people who will cancel on dates last minute because
they're scared of well what if I go and it
doesn't work out? And rejection, by the way, is two
types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person
doesn't want me, and the other type of rejection is
that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I
(15:33):
don't want to be with them. So I'm not just
saying rejection in that we're scared of, well what if
that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the
am I going to reject another person. And like you said,
with the high expectations, what do we do about both
of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's
take the more obvious one to start with. We all
(15:54):
want to be loved, We want to be liked. We
all want the next person to be the person. Chances
oh that's not going to happen. We know that, yeah,
but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going
to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're
not right for me, or you know, don't really want
to see you again. Like, how do you get over that?
Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship, we talk
(16:14):
about it in life, but when you do it with love,
it seems so personal.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love.
It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who.
Speaker 6 (16:23):
You don't know. This is just human nature.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
We go on dates, even if we're not into the person.
Speaker 5 (16:29):
We want them to be into us or right yes,
or like we find them. Let's say we find them attractive,
and then we find out, wait, you're not into me,
you don't find me attractive. Yeah, but life, really, the
quality of our lives is very much determined by how
well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to
be for everyone, And I really believe this with all
(16:51):
of my heart and soul. If someone is not into
you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the
early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not
feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not
for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to
build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it
makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just
(17:15):
part of life. And I know that it's like you're
putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like
a magic pill that I could give people to just
get over it. But you have to become more resilient
when it comes to that. You know, you can't be
hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It
sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that, honestly, you.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Really really do.
Speaker 5 (17:36):
And you have to just trust that, like, you're not
for everyone and not everyone's for you, and yes it's awkward,
and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of
it all, you know, but you still have to if
you want love and you want a relationship, you have
to go for it.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
You can't just be passive.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
You're looking for one person to fall in love with
you and for you to fall in love with yes,
And for that you're going to have to meet a
lot of people to find that one person. But all
you need is one person to say yes, one person
to say I do, one person to say I love you.
And if you're only looking for one person, just by
the nature of odds, you should know that that probably
(18:15):
won't be the next person. So switching to that, you
said one thing about kind of going in at the
lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're
allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to
become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what
it is, Yes, as opposed to us walking in and
going this next person's going to be my wife, my husband,
(18:35):
whatever it may be, Yeah, my partner. I think it's
so natural for so many of us to want to
speed up love, Like speeding up love seems to be
our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet
the one now that we're daying. I just want to
get married. Now, you know, it's we're trying to accelerate
love almost so how do we slow it down and
(18:57):
how do we take it back to baseline?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Number one?
Speaker 6 (19:00):
Is there is no the one?
Speaker 5 (19:03):
There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the
one is. And this is really really important. Love, as
I'm sure you know, is a choice, like it's a
feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that
love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice,
and that when if you do decide to be with
(19:24):
someone long term, you're going to have to make that
choice many many times throughout your relationship, which is I
choose you, right. So people want to rush it, and
so what they do and what I've done is that
we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been
lied by society that there is in romanticism, that there
is this one person who's going to come into your
(19:45):
life and rescue you and make your life better, and
that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier.
And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships,
but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less
that you've been modeled what it is to actually really
love someone. The more you are going to be challenged
(20:07):
to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to
actually love someone and to do love to where it's
a verb and not just a feeling. So how do
we slow it down? And we just want to rush it?
It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people
they meet there's chemistry, and I know that this was me.
(20:30):
I think if there's chemistry, then this is it as
opposed to well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry,
and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So
maybe I need to slow down a little bit and
sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about I
don't want anyone to I don't want to rain on
anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in
the beginning, but you want to just say, Okay, hold on,
(20:52):
what am I feeling right now? This feels really good,
this is really exciting, But I need to slow down
because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I
need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get
a little bit clearer on what it is that I need,
what it is that I value and what it is
that I really really want, not just my preference, but
(21:13):
what do I need in order to function in a relationship.
Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's
difficult women, childbearing, age, societal pressures, get married. I understand.
I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that
I can stress that who you decide to partner with
is one of the most important decisions you will ever
(21:36):
make in your entire life. And we are meant to
kind of get it wrong, and some of us get
it wrong for a longer time than others right, but
it is the most important decision. So if you're going
to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice.
And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes,
(21:59):
you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to
not be loved, you don't want to be in the
dating world.
Speaker 6 (22:05):
I get all of that.
Speaker 5 (22:06):
Be mindful of it, you know, connect to that within yourself,
and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend
your life with might be one of the most important decisions,
if not the most important decision, because there's no one
in your life who's going to have a bigger impact
on your overall well being an emotional state than the
(22:27):
person who you choose to spend your life with. So
you've got to take that decision very seriously and not
rush it.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
I have often said to friends, there's the pain of
being single, and there's the pain of being in the
wrong relationship. Yes, and the pain of being single is
a lot better than the pain of being in the
wrong relationship.
Speaker 6 (22:46):
Agree one hundred percent. Agree one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got
and meshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity,
there's as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values. Yes,
the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but
actually they showed it all along and you didn't see
the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier
(23:12):
when I was single, and you can't see that when
you're single, because the promise of being in a relationship
is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I
must have that now.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Yes, And.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when
I'm single, but they're actually free to go back to it,
and that's why they stay in these relationships, because we
fear the unknown.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking
for that one person, understand that it might not be
the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up.
It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger, and
more grounded in who you are and what needs you have.
When you do that, you're able to show up authentically
and honor what you deserve. So often in dating, we
(24:17):
obsess over who we're attracting, but the real question is
who are entertaining the next guest. Is relationship coach Sadia Khan.
Nearly eighty percent of datas report being ghosted at least once,
and Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of
us can attract all types of people. The problem is
what we normalize, the late night text, the dismissiveness, the
(24:41):
person who never makes space for you. That's where we
lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like
they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't
want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity
for connection. Why is it?
Speaker 7 (24:56):
It's not what we attract us what we entertain. Most
people can attract much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough,
we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have
low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people
are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed
to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he
doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really
ask me how my day is. It's normal that he
only texts me at twelve am on a Friday night.
(25:18):
And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they
start to accept what's actually not going to lead to
a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what
they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their
power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men,
but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are
the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the
ones that leave me worrying what this is and where
(25:39):
this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I
start to learn that that is a signal that they've
got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is
delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay
my ability to have a family, and so on and
so forth. So we can attract all types of men,
but we only entertain the ones that will enable you
to start a family, in a relationship, or whatever your
goal is. They enable that, and if they don't, pople that,
(26:00):
try and lose attraction for them.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Why do we feel more attracted to people who make
us anxious and who are unavailable. Why is it that
we think that they're the ones worth chasing.
Speaker 7 (26:10):
Firstly, if we have low self esteem, we kind of
see as that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's
supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably
not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated
like this if that's your low self esteem. But the
other thing is unavailable men. Sometimes they demonstrate the idea
of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem
(26:32):
more desirable, and because of that mystery, we assume that
they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives, there's
something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive.
When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature.
They're not special. Guy that's got a million things going,
and his work is taking over and he's so so busy.
Speaker 6 (26:49):
Actually, he's just emotionally mature.
Speaker 7 (26:50):
He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't how to
ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at
the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal
of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so
attractive to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
I think, just pot on when I'm listening to you,
I'm thinking, if you want someone, like anyone should who
texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not
an abnormal request.
Speaker 7 (27:14):
And nobody is that busy, I know, like men like
to sound busy at work or I've got this going on,
I'm that stressed, completely understandable, but one text to let
that person know will enable them to just relax the
whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or
the empathy to just send that quick text. Then that
person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship,
and they're probably not worth your investment.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting
that far because they're meeting people on dating app yeah,
and so you're swiping away. You might get into a
conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's
talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like no one,
It doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do
you say to men and women who feel like they've
(27:54):
been rejected a few too many times and they're losing
that faith and ability to feel that there is someone
out there for them, Just to.
Speaker 7 (28:02):
Be careful on are you actually not matching or are
you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is
because of social media and because of dating apps, we
enter relationships with almost like a double standard or a
sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well,
if he's not the dream guy, or she's not the
dream girl, if he's not a high value man and
she's not a high value woman, we start to look
(28:22):
at our matches with a level of distaste, when sometimes
a better thing to do is look at the people
who are matching with you and try and see are
they actually that bad?
Speaker 6 (28:32):
Is there something wrong with them?
Speaker 7 (28:33):
Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea
or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access.
I always just think the more you like the person
you are, the higher your self esteem, The more you
like people who like you, the fact that the person
that are matching you automatically you start to like them
more because they've matched you, because you like you and
they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem,
(28:53):
you chase after people that you can't access. So my
advice to people who's always start with who likes you.
Always start with that poor and then home in on
that pull and see if you've got similar demographics, values,
so on and so forth. But where people go wrong
is they glorify the people that they're not matching with
and wanting a love that they've never been able to access,
and then comparing who they do get matched with these
(29:14):
alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is
to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards
to those people who are actually invested in you.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking
people are going to say is, well, why do I
have to settle?
Speaker 7 (29:28):
If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are
too high. And what I mean by that is I
sometimes We meet men who are in maybe in their forties,
on their second divorce and saying, I don't want a
woman with baggage, so I need somebody twenty five years old.
Speaker 6 (29:41):
I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll.
Speaker 7 (29:43):
Meet women who are you not working and they say
I want a man that's an entrepreneur, got six figures.
But I always just say you shouldn't you be looking
for someone similar to you? And if similar to you
it starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your
standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to
the table and what you're receiving, if you're ask you
for that, you're not asking for too much. But if
you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your
(30:04):
self worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards
a little bit. So ask yourself it does similarity feel
like settling. If it does, then maybe we need to
work on ourselves to be able to access people that
we're actually craving.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Yeah, it's so much of what you're doing about it
is just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's
such a need to be honest with ourselves.
Speaker 6 (30:23):
And it's harder.
Speaker 7 (30:23):
It's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we
are bombarded with advice from tiktoks and advice from you know,
people that are giving advice about never settle. You're somebody's
dream girl, or this is a high value woman. So
we think that if we get anything less than what
our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling, when really, as long
as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and
where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling.
(30:46):
We're just finding somebody who's compatible.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
I mean, so many people on dating apps these days,
their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've
had a million people about feeling like, hey, we were
having a good chat and this person just disappeared. Yeah,
what would be your advice as someone who feels like
they've got ghosted?
Speaker 7 (31:04):
I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately,
in the digital world, people see each other as disposable
and there's very minimal investments, so they don't always feel
like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're
ghosting is either they've met alternatives or they might have
just been on the app to buy some time. To
heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner.
They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind
(31:26):
of recover from some kind of stress that they're going
through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you,
try not to take it too personal. But if you've
been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances
are they're hiding information. Ghosters regardless of their reason, they're
still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have
for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great
at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people
(31:49):
who can't communicate well.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Sardia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person,
but having this self esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones.
If someone leaves you, and that's not chemistry, it's immaturity.
If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped
by comparison culture, And if someone ghests you, it's poor
(32:11):
communication reason enough to walk away. In the end, who
you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships.
Build your self esteem, use your agency, and invest in
those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Lori
Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating,
(32:32):
speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the
courage to leave. Being honest about what you want is
a needy it's brave. Yet sixty percent of people admit
staying in relationships longer than they should, while only six
percent leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, its avoidance.
The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else,
(32:55):
it's growing yourself.
Speaker 8 (32:56):
Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know,
I think by the person that I'm dating is also
dating other people. I would like to not date other people,
but I'm afraid that all appear too needy too early,
right as opposed to just being honest about what you want.
They can say yes or no, but to be clear
about Look, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with I
(33:17):
can't really feel like I can get close to you
if I know that you're dating other people at this point,
because we're spending a lot of time together. So how
do you feel about this? Are you ready to be
in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you?
If they say no, Wow, great, you've learned a lot.
You can make a choice like I'm comfortable doing this
for another month or I'm not, or you know, whatever
(33:37):
it is. Or they can say, oh, I didn't know
that that was important to you, and I would like
that too, let's do that, or I'm not ready to
do that. So people do this in all kinds of situations.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
It's not just about marriage.
Speaker 8 (33:50):
They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into
the kind of relationship where the whole game here is
bringing your true self to it.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
So if you.
Speaker 8 (33:59):
Can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're
not ready to be together for the long term. You
can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I
can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for
a disaster, because now it's like you've misrepresented what you
actually want and need in a relationship, and maybe the
other person has misinterpreted what you want to need because
you haven't expressed it.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
But we're so's I'm fully with you. I just find
that we're so it's so hardwired in us, like we're
so scared of rejection. How do you feel about those shows?
And yes they're entertaining, and yes, we love to get
into all the gossip and what's going on and everything.
How is that affecting our views and our own relationships?
Speaker 8 (34:39):
Yeah, I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of
my therapy clients talk about them.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
You know. Finding love is just such a important pillar
of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart
when I see that we're tripping ourselves up. And when
I ask my community what was one of the things
that they think trips them up, it was this idea
that they we have now coined future tripping, this idea
of planning the future in their head, visioning a future
(35:06):
with this person. When things are looking okay or good
in their head, they're you know, in the most extreme cases,
imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like.
But even in the immediate sense, like this could be it,
this is amazing, this is going to last, And then
all of a sudden they get a reality check with
that person is not really mirroring that back. How do
(35:27):
we stop ourselves from future tripping or is there a
healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there
a collective collaborative future tripping? Like what does that look like?
Speaker 8 (35:37):
I think the future tripping is being in the present.
And what I mean is what's happening now is what
is going to look like in the future. So instead
of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way,
or we're going to have this kind of life, but
you don't know if the other person wants that kind
of life. If you're not talking about it now in
the present, you don't know how does this person treat
me now? What is it like when we're together? The
(35:59):
biggest decatur would be we had a disagreement, how did
we get through it?
Speaker 2 (36:04):
That's what your future is going to look like.
Speaker 8 (36:07):
We didn't agree on this, We were frustrated with each other,
We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair
that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair.
Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your
family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents,
with your children, especially with your romantic partners. Because we
have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture
(36:29):
with them because we're so in love and we see
each other and we see eye to eye.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
But of course you're going to have ruptures.
Speaker 8 (36:35):
It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture,
it's what do you do with it and what does
it look like. So if you have been dating for
let's say six months, and you haven't had a rupture,
you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't
know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior.
You have to be able to be yourselves. That's going
to tell you what the future looks like. So stop
the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future
(36:59):
to look like. It's like you want your future to
look like, see how the other person acts and see
what happens between the two of you, and a repair
would look like something like, Oh, I didn't you know
we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take
fifteen minutes and let's come back when we're not so
heated and let's talk about that.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what
I've been thinking about this.
Speaker 8 (37:23):
You know, say you have an argument, you say we're
not going to talk for a few minutes, let's go
cool off.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Whatever.
Speaker 8 (37:29):
You call them back and you say, you know what
I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry.
Here's what I did, and I wish I had done
it this way, and that's great if your partner can
do that, or if you can do that right, and
then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you,
if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and
I wish that I had reacted differently in this way,
(37:52):
and how can I be more supportive in those moments?
That's beautiful. That's your future, but you have to see
it in the present. You can't imagine what the future
is going to be. You have to actually live it
in the present and say, oh, now, I know it's
going to be just like it is right now.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah. And like you're saying, like, if you are making
plans in your head but you're uncomfortable to talk about
those plans, then they only exist in your head, yea,
Like they aren't real. They aren't they aren't going there
to take away. Your needs in dating are valid. Your
truth is enough, and your growth will either deepen the
connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just
(38:29):
about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity,
and self worth. Here's what we heard today that I
want you to remember. You can't attract the right person
until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what
you want until you learn to ask for it. You
will attract what you're willing to entertain, and real chemistry
(38:50):
comes from honesty, openness, and courage, whether you're just putting
yourself back out there or actively dating. Remember, love isn't found,
it's created, and you're worthy of creating it. If you
love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with
Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and
find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
your future self is doing something that gives him or
her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life
Host
Jay Shetty
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