Child Psychologist: How to Prepare for Becoming a Parent with Dr. Becky

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist helping millions of parents rethink how they raise their kids.

In this episode, we talk about the reality of modern parenting—information overload, emotional development, and why being a “perfect” parent isn’t the goal. She explains what truly shapes a child in the early years, how to handle tough moments, and why repair matters more than getting everything right.

This is the kind of parenting advice that actually makes you feel better—and gives you a framework to come back to.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The first number of years of a baby's life have
an inordinate impact on the rest of their life, and
kids are born with all the feelings and none of
the skills to manage feelings.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Doctor Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist helping millions of
parents navigate the hardest parts of raising kids. This episode
breaks down early childhood information overload, and behavior in a
way that leaves you feeling calmer, clearer, and more capable.
How do I not mess this up?

Speaker 1 (00:26):
Parents have two jobs always it's very easy to remember.
Job number one is setting boundaries. The second part of our.

Speaker 2 (00:32):
Job is what do you have to say to those parents?
What do you think is the best thing to do
when they're feeling like there's so much information out there?

Speaker 1 (00:40):
Stay away from the books for a moment. Remind yourself,
is my baby fed? Is my baby safe? Am I
showing up and trying? If I say yes to all
those things, I'm probably doing a really good job. The
best way to take care of a baby is to
take care of the person holding the baby.

Speaker 2 (00:54):
Do you feel like parenting is something also that comes inherently?

Speaker 1 (00:58):
So?

Speaker 2 (01:04):
Hi, guys, Kate here, thank you so much for tuning
into today's episode with Doctor Becky. Your support helps us
continue bringing you inspiring conversations. Please be sure to follow
the show wherever you listen, and we will be right
back after this short break. Doctor Becky, I feel so

(01:26):
privileged to be sitting down with you. I'm currently seven
months pregnant, having a baby in a little over two months.
So first question, how do I not mess this up?

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Ugh, you are not gonna mess this up. I'm just
gonna start with that before the how you know? I
actually think it's if it's okay, I'll just shift the
question because if you take for granted you're not gonna
mess this up, I'm gonna shift it a little bit too.
Probably what I think everyone goes through and they're pregnant.
Oh my goodness, How am I gonna make it through

(01:56):
the next number of months and then all the years
to come? Knowing I care out my baby so much.
I care about my baby's development, It's all going to
be hard in moments, It's all going to be confusing.
How do I get through it right? Because nobody gets
it right. You don't even want to be a perfect
parent repair, which is kind of the act over time
of going back to a child after you mess up
is probably the most important thing in a relationship, and

(02:19):
you can't even do that if you don't mess up.
And so I actually think it's about going in with
reasonable expectations, being really kind to yourself, and actually getting
to know as much about yourself as possible going into
the process to help inform what patches will probably be hard,
and to make those things a little bit more predictable
instead of kind of coming as a surprise.

Speaker 2 (02:39):
Do you think younger generations are overthinking becoming parents more
so than past generations have.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
Well, I think there's a couple layers to that where
I think the world we're bringing babies into is a
much more complicated world. I mean, we're, you know, the
first generation of parents parenting in a world that doesn't
turn off with screen and immediate gratification all around us.
I think we kind of know that makes the parenting
pass harder. And we're the first generation parenting in the

(03:07):
world where there are thirty million people telling you thirty
million different things at all moments, and so to kind
of realize what you need to hear some voices to
now others and most important to have part of your
development as a new parent be about tuning in to
learning your own voice. I think it's harder than it

(03:29):
used to be.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
Yeah, I feel like there are so many more distractions
now than there ever were before. Was there a difference
when how many kids do you have?

Speaker 1 (03:37):
I have three?

Speaker 2 (03:38):
You have three kids? When you started having kids, did
you notice a difference between maybe how your parents were
raising you guys versus how you were kind of implementing
different things with your kids.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, I mean I think that what's interesting about my
upbringing is I think my parents are very different from
each other. They're really nice compliments to each other and
also very different. Dad definitely is kind of very comfortable
giving high expectation, setting boundaries. My mom, I feel like,
is pure validation and connection, and I got so much

(04:11):
from each of them. Interestingly enough, when I think about
the good inside approach and method, I think we actually
bring those two pillars together at the same time so
we don't have to pick which one we need to
embody because it's actually really powerful in parenting and honestly
just in leadership and work to be able to embody
being a kind of firm, sturdy authority with boundaries and

(04:34):
at the same time to be really warm and connecting.

Speaker 2 (04:38):
Do you feel like parenting is something also that comes
inherently or is it something that we do have to
work on learning?

Speaker 1 (04:46):
So, you know, I think there's both. I'm a big
fan of multiple things being true. I mean, you know,
in some ways good inside exists because I don't think
parenting entirely comes naturally. I mean, I actually think what
comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented, which
makes complete sense an instinct, Right, if you think about

(05:08):
maternal instinct, the word instinct, what does it mean. It's
kind of the accumulation of everything you've learned until that point,
including kind of everything probably that generations before you learn
that you inherited. But in most areas of life, we
don't glorify instinct alone. Right. We don't say, oh, a
CEO who has started one company and is founding another,
like they're going to do that by instinct alone. We'd say,

(05:29):
that's good that you have instinct, And who are you
learning from? Who are your mentors, who are your executive coaches?

Speaker 2 (05:35):
Right?

Speaker 1 (05:35):
We actually want doctors who do more training and who
go to med school. Right, Even if they have a
great surgical instinct and So the way I think about
parenting is I think there are certain things that come naturally,
come instinctively, and there's a whole lot that doesn't right
because most parents I talk to, like, when you have
a baby, around your baby's first birthday, they're going to

(05:57):
start having a tantrum that is not the terrible two's,
that actually starts right around one. And parents tell me
all the time, Doctor Becky, you want to know what
my instinct says. It says to a scream, It says
to avoid Like, I don't know if I should just
follow my instinct, and so I guess I just want
to make room for both, I think, and parenting instinct
can take us so far, and then there's a lot
of moments that don't come instinctively for anyone. And in

(06:21):
that kind of situation, we have learning and support and resources.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
And I feel like the beauty of having kids in
today's day and age is that there's so much information
out there. It's over communicated. While on social media, you know,
there's people like yourself that really break it down in
a simplified way for new parents and for parents that
are going through different stages of their child's life. Yeah,
versus I feel like when our parents were younger, you know,
there's maybe one or two books on it, or if

(06:46):
they were really interested, they could dive a little bit
deeper into the psychology of a child. And you know,
Jeremy's mom's actually a psychologist as well, and so she
did kind of She has talked about different tactics that
she tried out on her kids that she knew just
from being a psychologist.

Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
But I do feel like now parents are a lot
more educated. I think that is the beauty about becoming
a parent today. Yeah, And it's been so fun in
my journey, just like being able to do so much
research and read so many different books that are now
out there about sleep schedules and all the different things
that you know, go into having a kid.

Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah. And I think the filter we want to layer
on top of that is just does this resonate with me?
Does this feel like it's does this information or does
this framework? Does it make me feel like I'm kind
of returning to something that's inside me, like oh yeah,
I like that, Or does it make me feel like
I'm chasing something? Right? I think that the chasing of
something that can lead a lot of new parents to

(07:44):
feel like all this information is just making me anxious,
which it can sometimes, and I think that's the experience
of I'm becoming further and further from my own voice.
So I'm just kind of mimicking fifty different people without
a framework or without a sense of what actually resonates
with me.

Speaker 2 (07:59):
And what do you have to say to those parents,
Like what do you think is the best thing to
do when when they're feeling like there's so much information
out there? What should I follow?

Speaker 1 (08:08):
So I think step one is actually just pausing the information,
which might sound funny for me, but I really come
at this from a place of helping parents feel more
empowered and more self trusting and information. I think we
have an interesting relationship between information and self trust. Too
much of it that is conflicting from too many voices
takes us away. So I would say step one, just

(08:28):
mute it. I spend a couple of days off social media,
stay away from the books for a moment, remind yourself,
is my baby fed? Is my baby safe? Am I
showing up and trying? If I say yes to all
those things, I'm probably doing a really good job in
the first number of months and just take a break.
Number two, Before going back to information seeking, I'd actually
ask yourself what am I looking for? Right? Am I

(08:50):
looking for a sleep schedule? Am I looking for a
sleep schedule because our current situation isn't working for me?
Am I looking for a sleep schedule because my friend
is on a sleep schedule and that's really working for her?
Though if I reflect about myself, she's actually, in general
a more kind of scheduled person than I like to be,
So maybe what's working for her isn't even what's good
for me. What am I looking for? Right? Then? When

(09:10):
I start to consume information again, I'd say, let me
pause one piece of information at a time. How does
that land on me, which requires me instead of just
gazing out for information, to kind of gaze in. What
does that feel like to receive? Does it feel like
this person through the way they deliver information, Does it
feel like they're helping me become more capable? Does it
actually feel more like fear mongering? I think those questions

(09:32):
can help us kind of decipher what might be helpful
and what might actually lead to more anxiety spiraling.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
And I feel like what's hard to is what I
kind of heard with what Your answer as well is
every child's different. So it's like when one thing is
you gave the example of a sleep schedule, like, if
a sleep schedule, a specific sleep schedule is working for
somebody's kid, it might not mean that it's going to
work for yours.

Speaker 1 (09:53):
And I think this is really important. Every parent is different,
like I am someone okay, or I do like a
sense of a plan right, And so in my baby's
early days that felt important to me, but that also
started to work against me. Sometimes there were moments where
I was being so rigid about the schedule that I

(10:14):
was neglecting, Hey, i have a chance to actually have
lunch with a friend for the first time in months,
and I'm so worried about one day of my baby
sleep that I'm actually holding myself back of doing the
one thing that's going to give me the most joy.
I also think, especially with my first kid, in the
name of kind of the schedule and rigidity, if I
look back, I was like, you know what, my baby
would have actually benefited more from a little flexibility, Just

(10:37):
to realize my baby could have found a little bit
more resilience. Not everything in life goes according to schedule.
And so I just think parents need kind of that
space to kind of reflect what do I need right,
what actually works for me? And then one parent having
a strict sleep schedule and another parent saying we like
to more go with the flow. Those can both be

(10:58):
really good options, just on yeah, the kid and the parent.

Speaker 2 (11:01):
I feel like so many people say the early years
are make or break. What do you have to say
to that, Oh, make or break?

Speaker 1 (11:08):
For what?

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Make or break for a kid's development?

Speaker 1 (11:11):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (11:11):
For regulating their emotions?

Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, you know, it's interesting because there's kind of two
narratives out there. The early years are make or break,
and over here there's you know, people who disaving colloquially
the earliers don't matter, they don't remember this anyway. So look,
what we know from just developmental science and how the
brain works is that the first number of years of
a baby's life have an inordinate impact on the rest
of their life. I think the way to think about

(11:35):
this is kind of like factory settings. Right, when you
get a clock right, and the factory setting is it's
at twelve o'clock. You can change it, right, But the
factory settings of a clock are powerful. It's the default.
The first number of years of a baby's life kind
of form their circuits for how the world work or
their factory settings, meaning what does comfort look like? What

(11:59):
is it like to work towards something? We see a
baby working on tommy time or working toward crawling, and
sure that's not going to be the things they struggle
with later on, But that's all kind of a petri
dish for learning about trying, about effort, about sticking with things.
When I get upset, can I expect people to comfort me?
That's also something we want our babies to learn because

(12:21):
that's going to affect them when they're older, right, And
so yes, the first three to five years of a
baby's life have a really powerful impact. The thing I
just always like to say after that is it's never
too early. And also it's never too late. Nothing is
written in stones. So I would never say it's make
or break. It just feels too final. I would say,

(12:43):
for all the parents putting forth all this effort in
the first number of years, yes, that effort matters. It's
going to pay off in spades and keep going.

Speaker 2 (12:53):
And for the parents out there that maybe feel like
they did certain things wrong in the early weeks, months
of a child's life. Can you fix these things? Is
it reversible?

Speaker 1 (13:04):
Yeah? I mean I think the most important thing we
have into relationships is repair. Right, And so I don't
know who said that quote, Like the best time to
you know, plant a tree is forty years ago. The
second best time is today, right, I mean it's true. Right.
The way I always say to parents is the right
time to change is always right now. It's just always true.
And can we go back and change the past? We can't.

(13:28):
But so much of human behavior is actually less just
about an event, and it's more about the story. We've
learned to tell ourselves about the event. And let's say
a parent's listening, they're thinking, I'm not proud of the
first number of years, and I think it's still impacting
a relationship. Now. Repair is really powerful, not to change
the event, but to change the story. Hey, I'm thinking

(13:49):
about the first number of years of your life, and
maybe you don't even remember a lot of them. But
there's things I did that I wish I did in
And I used to send you to your room and
you're upset, and I never tried to understand you. I
was short and I wasn't your fault, and I'm working
on doing things differently. I wouldn't expect a seven year
old or a fourteen year old to say, Wow, that
was profound. I forgive you that all feels good. Now,

(14:09):
that's not how it works, but it lands in their
body and it actually kind of creates a little pivot
for a brand new road to be built.

Speaker 2 (14:18):
So some of the questions that we just went over
are questions that you have helped millions of parents and
people navigate. You've also built a platform where you've got
millions of followers that really trust your parenting advice. So
I'm curious when did this platform come to be? And
if you could kind of walk us back and just

(14:39):
tell us a little bit about your background as a
psychologist and everything that you've built.

Speaker 1 (14:43):
Yeah. So, yeah, I'm a clinical psychologist and I've just
always found people fascinating and I've always been obsessed with
thinking about how people operate in systems. Right, So if
you think about a kid and a parent, they live
in a system together, and we all take on roles,
and roles can get rigid, and we can all act
in ways that aren't actually in line with our values.

(15:06):
And I think it was in college. When I was
at Duke, I just thought, Wow, that's just so fascinating.
I can't believe I could make a career out of
just spending my time thinking about that and trying to
unpack that and pulling those strings. And so I went
to then get my PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia
after Duke, and then I started private practice where I
was working with adults, honestly, people like you, and individual
therapy and marriage therapy. I was working with teens, and

(15:28):
at that point, unlike in grad school, I had actually
stopped seeing kids themselves, and I was actually working with
parents of young kids who had kind of come to
me saying, you know, this is the stuff going on
in my house. I don't really think my kid needs
therapy at this point, but I just know this is
hard and I would like some help, so kind of
parent coaching. And what I found in my practice was

(15:49):
super interesting. That I was doing parent coaching based on
how I was trained, timeouts, punishment, sticker charts, kind of
a very behavioral model. But in a session right after
let's say I saw you were telling me, oh, I've
been late to work and I'm not acting my best
and it just struck me. I would never give you
a sticker chart. I would never take away your phone.
And I would be like, hey, I'm gonna take your

(16:09):
phone for a week. You'd be like, I'm not coming back.
Why am I paying you? Right? And why would that
help me? Right? And I just seemed from a principle
kind of foundations basis, there's no way that what helps
adults change their lives should be a theoretical opposition with
what helps kids develop. It just shouldn't be. And so

(16:31):
it gave me permission to just question everything i'd learned
about child behavior and what we took as kind of truth.
And there was actually a session with parents where I
was teaching them how to give a time out, and
this dissonance was just so strong. I said, I'm sorry,
I don't believe this actually awkward. I think we should
end the session. I'm not sure what else to tell you,
but I don't think this is the way. And after that,

(16:52):
it was just this floodgate of ideas and I started
writing and I started just recording thoughts. It was like
I had permission to think in a new way, and
everything came back to kind of two principles and They
were the only things that felt true after questioning everything else,
which is that kids are born good inside, and kids
are born with all the feelings and none of the
skills to manage feelings. And for generations, that gap between

(17:15):
feelings and skills has explained bad behavior. That's what bad
behavior is, feelings without skills, bad behavior and adults bad
behavior in kids, and we've always punished the behavior instead
of seeing behavior as a sign of a skills gap.
And what if we saw that skills gap is our
job to close over many years and gave kids the

(17:35):
skills they need to manage emotions. And then it just
led to so many new ideas and strategies, and I
was working with parents in this way. Things are totally
changing in their families. They felt better about what they
were doing. They were able to be firm and kind
of have an authority in a healthy way, but not
be permissive. It just all came together and then I
just had more and more to say, so I put

(17:56):
down a lot of ideas. I put them on Instagram
And that was two weeks before New York City shut
down for COVID. Then all parents were kind of locked
in their home with their kids and then what ended
up happening beyond the ideas, it was something so much
more powerful, was a true community. Feels like I was
tapping into something that had a yearning in parents. I

(18:18):
think parents have always felt caught between two extremes. Either
I punished my kid and send them to their room
and that doesn't really feel good, or it feels like
my kids run the show and that doesn't really feel good.
And good inside is kind of squarely in between. It
gives parents an ability to be strong and firm and
also warm and connected, and everything kind of flowed from there.

(18:39):
The community was very vocal, it was very active. We
launched an app, we launched podcasts, you know, a book,
I think at this point two children's book coming on,
a third, and many more areas to expand from there.

Speaker 2 (18:51):
It's amazing, And you've been one of my highest requested guests.
And I told you this when you're doing our run,
But it's amazing the positive response that you've got through
putting your ideas online. I think it's so cool because
you're able to reach so many more people at scale
from one video rather than just you know, sitting in
a patient meeting with one on one you're now able
to reach millions of people with one video and one idea.

(19:13):
When you initially started working with parents on how, you know,
kind of training them on how to raise kids and
how to deal with certain situations from you know, tantrums
to repair to all these different kind of things that
parents go through, what was the initial pushback you got
from parents, Like, was there anything that is hard for
parents sometimes to understand?

Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah? And I should also say I love pushback. I
love resistance, right, I am on the same team with
parents about that. I think resistance and skepticism it means
you really love your kids. It means you really care
about how they develop.

Speaker 2 (19:47):
And so because there's resistance with everything, it's like it's
hard for us as adults to learn new things.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
Of one hundred percent, our old habits die hard. Our
body has protected ourselves for generations and for decades and
our home lives, and so it's hard to let go
of things that have felt true for so long. I
think probably the theme of what comes up the most
some version of wait, so my kid just I don't know,
screamed I hate you at me. I'm not punishing my kid.

(20:16):
Isn't that reinforcing bad behavior. I want to reinforce bad behavior.
I can't have a kid who thinks yelling I hate
you is okay, and then they yell I hate you
at a boss and then they get fired when they're
twenty five, and you know, it just goes to there.
And I totally totally understand that, and I join a parent.
I don't want your kid to yell at their boss either,
But then we kind of break it down. And Number one,
I find when parents, when anyone, when anyone feels like

(20:39):
you really get their resistance, they're a little bit more
open right to being influenced or to considering something in
a new way. So I always try to really understand
a parent's resistance because I always assume it really comes
from a good place. It always does. Every parent loves
the heck out of their kids. Number Two, I think
psychology is very, very confusing because what we do today
on the surface isn't the thing that ends up impacting

(21:02):
a kid. It has a much deeper meaning for a kid.
Meaning let's say my kid, Let's say my six year
old is like, I hate you why because I said
they couldn't have like a thirteenth scoop of ice cream right,
something like seemingly absurd. I can definitely say, my kid,
you can't talk to me that way, go to your room,
and and then I fill in the blank of something
I'm probably not gonna even follow it through one, no

(21:23):
TV tomorrow, and then I do it, no dessert tomorrow,
I do it anyway. Fine, The truth is that feels
I'm just gonna say it feels amazing in the moment.
Why not because it's effective Because as a parent, it's
very frustrating to have your kid throw these things at you.
And when you just punish your kid in the moment,
you just this is what it is. You just get
to vomit all your own frustration onto your kid and

(21:43):
you don't have to do the adult thing of actually
managing your own emotions. You just get to put it
on your six year old. But if I zoom out,
what's really going on? And this is where parents start
to have things click what's going on? And this is
a really powerful phrase. You can use it in your
pregnancy right after two? What is the most generous interpretation

(22:04):
called that the MGI what is the most generous interpretation
of why my six year old would say I hate you?
When I say no to the thirteenth scoop of ice cream. Parent. Okay, well,
what might be going on because we all come up
with the least generous interpretation My kid's a sociopath, my
kid doesn't respect me. Right, But if we come to
an MGI, which is a new muscle to build, I

(22:24):
might say my kid had an image in their mind
of having more ice cream and I said no, Or
even more generally, my kid really wants something and I'm
the one getting in their way of getting it. If
you think about it that way, that's something they're going
to deal with for the rest of their life. They're
gonna want something, they're gonna have an image of it,
and someone else is going to say no. So I

(22:46):
really only have two options here. I guess I could
punish my kid. I can punish the behavior, but I
am doing no work on the underlying circuit. If I'm
more long term greedy, what I'd prioritize isn't just this moment.
I'd say, what really matters is that my kid learns
how to develop skills to manage wanting and not having,
because that's something that's gonna play out for the rest

(23:09):
of their life and punishment just doesn't teach skills, it
just adds shame. So I'm gonna intervene differently. I might
say something like, WHOA, take a moment, right, or WHOA?
There's another way to say that you really wish you
could have more ice cream?

Speaker 2 (23:23):
I get it.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
Ice cream's delicious and a parent I hear me say
that and they say oh, and then you give them
the ice cream. No, no way, right. I am setting
a boundary, but I'm actually understanding my kid. And here's
how this plays out. I guarantee you start to intervening
like that right away, maybe six months later, you're gonna
have to leave the playground with your kid and your

(23:44):
kid doesn't want to looks like a totally different situation,
same exact circuit. I want something and my parent's gonna
say no, And this kid, after hearing that for six months,
is gonna say something like this instead of having a meltdown.
I wish we could stay for longer because I had
helped them develop language for what their underlying experience was.

(24:05):
And so I think what we really help parents with
is we change the story about what's really happening with behavior,
and we also help a parent see their kids behavior
not as a sign of who they are, but as
a sign of the skills they need to build. And
that is actually what helps a kid become a functioning adult.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
And it's also like, Okay, our kids are going to
trigger us a lot, and we have to learn as
adults how to regulate our emotions in response to this
child that can't regulate their own.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
That's exactly right. And I think that's the thing that
parenting really is that no one like says it, but
we on some level think our kids are going to
heal us, and our kids just trigger us.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
That's what it is.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
And if we are someone who kind of got good
at pleasing others and we don't tend to make a
ruckus and we kind of can take care of everyone else,
usually at the detriment taking care of ourselves what we do,
then having a kid who tantrums because I want to
stay at the park, you better bet that's going to
trigger you, because on some level your body saying I'm sorry.

(25:06):
We are supposed to not want things for ourselves. We
are supposed to just make everyone's life easy. Why is
my four year old not doing that? And so the
beauty of that is sometimes I think our kids just
put on full display everything that we kind of need
to work on in ourselves. And if we take that opportunity,
at least some of the time, sometimes we grow even
more than our kids do.

Speaker 2 (25:36):
So going back to the response that you said that
we should say just so that I understand it. Yeah, So,
whether it's leaving the playground, whatever the example is, let's
go back to the ice cream one though, So I
want another scoop of ice cream. Instead of saying no,
you say I understand that you want on what?

Speaker 1 (25:51):
Like?

Speaker 2 (25:51):
What else? Like? What is the conversation?

Speaker 1 (25:52):
If it's OK, I'm going to zoom out further because
more and more and you referenced it. In this world
of a million tips from a million people, I have
the firm that tips without foundations make us anxious. Like
if you're a runner and you've never learned basic foundations
of running and you get forty different running tips from
forty different coaches, you're going to drive yourself crazy. If

(26:14):
you're at work and you have forty managers, you're going
to drive yourself crazy. To me, we need a framework
and a foundation and then we have a tip to
like put it in. But if we don't have a foundation.
It just makes us really anxious. So the foundation I
want to share here because it's really powerful. Something at
good inside. We call family jobs. Okay, if you think
about an office job and you get there the first

(26:35):
day and your boss has do a good job, and
then you realize, well, I don't I don't have a
job description. I don't even know what my job is.
You can't do your job well if you don't know
what your job is. And most parents, when I say well,
what is your job when your kid's about to have
a tantrum forget what to do? What is your job?
Most parents say, I have no idea, and so then

(26:56):
a tip is just gonna be what am I supposed
to say? And that is all. Oh, that's the worst
thing for everyone. So I hope this gives you and
everyone else a framework. Parents have two jobs. Always it's
very easy to remember. Job number one is setting boundaries,
and this is really important. Boundaries are what we tell
our kid we will do, and they require our kid
to do nothing, which means stop freaking out about the

(27:20):
ice cream is not a boundary. It's a request, but
it's not a boundary. So boundaries are things we do
when we have a limit we need to set, when
we have a value that feels important we want to
act on. And boundaries also have a lot to do
with situations where we have some longer term goal in
mind for our kid that they just could never understand
or make for themselves. Ice Cream is a good example. Yeah,

(27:41):
I get that my kid wants thirteen scoops, but it's
just not a decision. I think it's going to be
good for them, So we set limits. Those are boundaries.
The second part of our job is connecting to our
kid through understanding and validation. We have to set boundaries
around behavior. But even when we set a boundary around behavior,
the second part of our job is to understand and
validate the feelings that are underneath the behavior. Boundaries around behavior,

(28:06):
validation of the feelings underneath. And there is a washroonts
repeat to this that's actually kind of powerful when you
start to see the pattern, because every time you set
a boundary with the kid, they have upset feelings because
they don't like to have their desire thwarted. Right. And
then if you don't see that as annoying, but you
see as part of the washroots repeat you're like, oh,
I got to do the second part of my job.

(28:27):
I said, the boundary. They have the feeling. I validate
the feeling wall, and this is important. I continue to
hold the boundary. So I'll show a million examples. I
say no to ice cream, right, and maybe my kids
running into the ice cream store, I might have to
set a boundary. I'm not going to let you run
in there, and I really would block. And then oh
I want ice cream. You really wish you could have
ice cream? And then I stop talking, and then I

(28:49):
stop talking. That's really important. And maybe I have to
pick my kid up. I know that's it. My kid's older,
they're watching TV. TV time is over now. I know
it's hard to put the TV off. TV goes off.
My kid's not gonna say thank you for protecting my brain.
They're gonna have a tantrum. And I could say, I know,
I don't like to stop watching TV either. In almost

(29:11):
any situation. I'm not trying to say it's easy. This
is all hard stuff, but if you have that foundation
in your mind instead of memorizing what to say, it
becomes a little easier to practice. I like it.

Speaker 2 (29:22):
It's like less is more in terms of the response
that you're giving them.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
And I think that's a big thing. I find myself
talking about that with parents all the time. When a
kid is having a tantrum, Really what's happening is their
feelings have completely overwhelmed their body, right because they are
they're born with all the feelings and none of the skills.
That's a very vulnerable way to go about the world.
And so in a tantrum moment, their feelings are exploding out.

(29:47):
They're completely saturated. And when we come at kids like this, Okay,
but you can't have any more ice cream, and because
here's the reason, and the sugar and the snacks and
then we have dinner later, we're taking a kid kid
who is oversaturated, and we're just adding more sensory stimulation.
And a kid kind of picks up on is my

(30:10):
parent looking for me to like approve of their decision?
Is that what's happening here? Do they need me as
a three year old to rubber stamp this with approval?
That makes a kid feel worse because I feel like
they don't have a leader. So yeah, set a boundary
connect sometimes connecting with my kid. Think about turning the
TV off this is what I'll do. Like I joke

(30:32):
with parents that one of the most important parent moves
is just to practice this right and so fewer words,
but those two things always hold boundaries and.

Speaker 2 (30:43):
Validation let them feel seen.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yes, isn't that what we're all looking for? And you're
not gonna be rewarded with your kid immediately calming down.
That's just not how it works, and so they're gonna
still react. But going back to being in the workplace,
we don't judge ourselves doing a good job by whether
our colleague did a good job. That's that's in their lane.
We want to come back to my job. Did I
set a boundary? Did I validate? Did I kind of

(31:07):
stop talking and continue to hold the boundary? Okay, it
wasn't pleasant, it wasn't enjoyable. It was probably very inconvenient
leaving the playground that way, But I did my job. Well.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
I'm a twenty eight year old's living in New York.
We're having our first baby. We're probably the first of
so many of our friends to be getting pregnant. And
I feel like this is a trend that I've noticed,
especially in places like New York City, LA. Maybe urban cities,
less and less people are wanting to have kids. Maybe
the idea of having a child's overwhelming, or it's just

(31:37):
something that they feel like they can't do. So I'm curious,
you know, why do you think this is happening? And
how should somebody think about the decision to have a child?

Speaker 1 (31:47):
Oh, big questions. I mean, I think this is happening
for so so many reasons. I think one of the
reasons is, you know, sociological or something larger than what's
happening in the individual. A lot of the reasons are
I think parents feel undersupported in this world. Honestly, you know,

(32:08):
the cost of childcare is just immense that the financials
of it don't really make sense or feel very very daunting.
I think there is this massive loss of the village.
Straight people aren't living in places where they feel like
they have the support to undertake this big transition that
is very, very real. And I think those things, in

(32:29):
a large and probably many small ways, just you know,
make the prospect of having kids less desirable. I think
a lot of people feel uncertain about the state of
the world right and that's probably a big factor too,
So I think those are kind of larger societal things
that are happening. I think also kind of on a
personal level, I think people are probably a little more

(32:50):
honest about what parenting is, like, how hard it is,
how under resource parents feel. I think, you know, a
good inside we really stand for you know, doctor feel
really proud of their med school education. We think there
should be a world where parents feel really proud of
their kind of parenting education the way they do anything else.
And I think parents know in this challenging world and

(33:12):
feeling really under resourced and educated and undersupported, that makes
the prospect of parenting a little harder. I think in
terms of what to think about when having a kid,
I mean, you know, I think there are probably so
so many factors. Number one, I think, and I wonder
if this is part of the reason too having a kid, right,

(33:35):
I mean, really is this commitment to a lot of inconvenience.
I think that's one of the words that just isn't
talked about enough. You know, you get used to as
an adult having your saturdays go you know, the way
they're going to go, or going to bed when you
want to go to bed, feeling tired and sleeping in right,
I mean, that's a lot of the luxury you can
have as an adult within the confines of your life,

(33:56):
and then a baby comes into the mix and it's like,
oh my goodness, well now I'm kind of on someone
else's schedule and I'm not spending my Saturday the way
I want. I think parents have to parents to feel
really aware of that. I don't know if anyone feels
fully ready for that, but very aware that that is
going to happen. I think that's number one. I think
you know. Number two. Really thinking about what you want

(34:20):
for your baby long term, I think is an important
thing because going back to that theme of convenience or inconvenience,
the easiest thing to do in every moment, especially once
you have like a toddler and above is just always
protecting your kid and making their life easy. And yet
that very pattern tends to make things really really difficult

(34:42):
as your kids get older, because they never actually learn
the skills to deal with frustration and disappointment and jealousy,
because in some ways we've systematically removed them from all
of those kind of opportunities. And so I think one
of the things I often think about with parents is
just how to hold space for all the difficult moments

(35:06):
in life, not to leave your kid alone with it,
but not to kind of constantly rescue them either, so
that your commitment to having a kid isn't just moment
to moment, it's actually about helping them become a more
resilient adult. I think that people, maybe this is what
you're saying. I have to be ready though, for the
shift in your life, right, and there can parts of
that that are hard. A lot of the hard things
in life are the most growth producing. Certainly, it is

(35:28):
so growth producing to become a parent if we let
the experience kind of impact us in that way.

Speaker 2 (35:41):
I think one of my biggest fears when I think
about becoming a parent is making sure I don't bring
the trauma of my own childhood and certain things that
I experienced into my kid's life. And I think many
people probably think about that. So I'm curious, how do
you break patterns that you grow up with?

Speaker 1 (35:59):
Yeah, it's a great question, a really, really thoughtful question,
and I think it goes back to that idea of
you know, what comes naturally in parenting is often how
we were parented, even the things that we don't want
to repeat. They often will in some way come alive
in the present. Right. That's really what a trigger is.

(36:20):
If you think about, oh, I'm so triggered by the situation,
or I'm triggered when my kid whines, or I'm triggered
when my kid doesn't take no for an answer, what's
really happening psychologically is something from my past, something that
predated my kid's existence, kind of flies from the past
and it comes alive in my very quick reaction to
my kid. So I guess I would tell any parent,

(36:42):
you know, not necessarily your trauma is going to come
into play, you know, with your kid. That feels too deterministic.
But our past will come alive in our present. And actually,
I think there's something really just human about that because
instead of thinking, oh, that's never going to happen, I
hope to avoid that, to say, Okay, that's going to
happen sometimes, Can I do about it? And can I
kind of predict a little where it might come alive?

(37:05):
Can I get ready for it to happen and not
spiral after and kind of plan for recovery rather than
kind of plan for perfection. That feels really really hopeful
and so happy to walk through it with you. But
you know, parents will tell me often things like, oh,
my childhood forget emotions, like there was no room for
any emotion but happiness, but you know, pride, you know.

(37:26):
But if it was anger, especially anger at my parents,
if it was disappointment, if it was jealousy, no, no
room for that. That will tell me when your kid
has their first tantrum about something that seems ridiculous, right, oh,
the you know, the bananas to banana eat, Like that's
what it will be. You know, you broke the banana
the wrong way and it's just your kid is a

(37:48):
you know, just melting on the floor. Our value says,
I want to show up. I'm gonna stay sturdy, I'm
gonna say calm, I'm gonna kind of hold a boundary
if needed, and validate my kid's emotions. But well, will
feel really loud in your head, is you're being ridiculous? Right?
Because in some ways that's not even our voice. Maybe
it's our parent's voice. Before that, it was their parents' voice. Right,

(38:10):
It is really inherited. And if you know that, you
can a little bit get ready for it. Right, Okay,
So what am I gonna do? And if it flies
out of my mouth. How can I catch myself? And
how can I kind of Yes, even if my baby's
too young to understand, I still would practice repair because
it's so powerful, and so I think that's the way
I'd kind of shift the focus.

Speaker 2 (38:29):
How much does a parent's emotional state affect their child,
and also how does a couple's relationship affect the child
a lot?

Speaker 1 (38:36):
Right? And I think though that we misunderstand this, that
parents say, I'm not supposed to cry in front of
my kid. I'm not supposed to be upset in front
of my kid. Kids are expert perceivers and they have
to be from an evolutionary standpoint, right, If you think
about humans as an animal species are young, right, Our
children stay dependent on us for survival for so many
more years than other animals. Right, Like, you haven't had

(38:59):
your child yet, But at what age will your child
truly be self sufficient without you? It depends, right, But
probably a while, right, definitely not five years, definitely, not
eight years, right, a long time. And so because of this,
babies and kids they become expert at noticing their environment
and noticing you because they know they need you for survival.
So they're kind of always assessing what's going on. But

(39:21):
this doesn't mean we're supposed to be stoic at all.
You're a human. You're going to have reactions. But what people,
I think from a good place so misunderstand is let's
say now I have a three year old okay, and
me and my husband are in a big, big fight.
We're screaming, and I'm like, oh, okay, well at least
she's just three. Maybe she doesn't understand. She definitely heard
the screaming, and so it doesn't mean we have to

(39:44):
never fight. We should work on that anyway. Definitely work
on the screaming. But I am going to go back
to yes, even my three year old, you heard daddy
and I yell. That probably felt scary. We are having
an argument, just like you working on managing our emotions.
We're gonna work on having common voices. That really matters.
So it's not so much that I have to always
have calm, neutral emotions, but when I get escalated, my

(40:07):
kid is going to notice. And what really helps kids
is not making it perfect, but going back naming it
and actually giving them a story to help understand.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
That makes sense, And also, would you tell parents in
that setting to kind of instead of going to if
you're in an argument, maybe take it into a different
room or in a different room where like the kid
actually can't hear it, Like, is it better to not
have fights in front of kids?

Speaker 1 (40:29):
Yes, I think, all things being equal, right, I mean,
I also think there's probably I don't think it's realistic
that a kid is going to get through their childhood
with you know, two parents who are partnered without seeing
an argument. And again, I don't think we want to
see anything toxic, you know, or unhealthy. Probably seeing people
argue when at times they get escalated, watching them repair.
I think that kind of mirror is probably the healthiest

(40:49):
arc of any relationship. But certainly for your kid and
by the way, just for ourselves when we get escalated,
it's good to have a word, say something, you know,
to your partner, ice cream that means cool off for
our kids benefit, but honestly probably for our benefit too.
No one makes good decisions or gets through conflict, you know,
in a heated state. Very well.

Speaker 2 (41:07):
You've said that it's not a parent's job to make
their kids happy, So what do you mean by this?
And then what is the job of a parent?

Speaker 1 (41:14):
Yeah, I mean, I think that's something I know I
wrote in my book a couple of years ago. I
think it's never felt more important, right with kind of
the probably trends around parenting where I do think there's
this trend around optimizing for your kid's comfort and happiness
almost all the time. And I think the part of
this that is unfortunate because the intention doesn't end up

(41:40):
having the intended impact, is that when you optimize for
a young kid's enjoyment, happiness, and comfort all the time,
that kid ends up becoming very fragile and very anxious.
Because so much of childhood is just learning how to
operate in the world. Right, So, how do I deal
with frustration? What happens when I want to do a

(42:02):
puzzle and I can't finish it? That then translates to
what happens when I'm working on reading that haven't figured
it out yet, what happens when I'm learning fractions, what
happens when I'm not invited to a party. All of
those things are a lot about what is my relationship
with frustration, What is my relationship with wanting something and
not having something? What is it like for me to

(42:24):
work at something and be confused, right, and so the
instinct in each of those moments often is for a
parent to step in and rescue or fix or solve
or make better. But what a kid really learns is
something much deeper. Number One, they learn no one really
thinks I can deal with this. No one would rescue

(42:45):
me if they thought I was capable. So the most
important people around me don't really think I'm that competent
or capable of dealing with this or learning from this.
Number two, going back to the wiring in their body,
what ends up happening in the wiring is they feel frustrated, Oh,
I can't do it, And right after that this is
not once or twice, but if this is a big pattern,
I feel frustrated, someone lifts me out of the frustration

(43:08):
and gives me happiness. Interestingly enough that very circuit ten
fifteen years from then, we would actually call entitlement. I'm
waiting for a line. Who's gonna make this better for me?
I didn't get a job, who's gonna give me a
different job. I didn't get promoted like my friend, Who's
gonna give me the promotion? This is the stuff that
makes us cringe or like, oh, but if we don't

(43:29):
want that when our kids are older, we can't be
building the very circuits we are actually trying to move
away from. And so when parents hear this, you're like, oh,
so I should make my kid unhappy. No, no, like
there's always a better answer than two extremes. You don't
have to make your kid unhappy. But the truth is,
over the course of childhood, they're gonna not be in
best there, They're not gonna not be in class with

(43:51):
their best friend. They're gonna be working on building blocks
and the tower is gonna fall. And if instead of
fixing it, your response is number one, validate that this
is hard. Oh you want it to be in your
climate class with Anna Belle. Oh the tower fell. But
instead of the urge to fix, calling the principle I
need my kid to be changed, fixing the block tower

(44:13):
goes like this. After you validate, what if you just
said something very different, like we're going to get through
this together. I know you're going to figure this out.
You can take a break and come back to it.
You're a capable kid. It ends up, instead of optimizing
for happiness, you end up optimizing for resilience. And that's

(44:34):
a very, very different path.

Speaker 2 (44:36):
I like what you said in the response of you're
a capable kid, because I also feel like it's important
sometimes for people in general, especially kids, when they're learning
these foundational skills, to struggle.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
Yes, that's exactly right. Supported struggle, right, Kids struggle and
in some ways, you know, it was really interesting. I
was actually just on a podcast with Maria Sharapova and
she was telling me about her tennis coaching and how
as a kid when she was playing a lot of tennis,
she's like, I'm tired, and her coaching often was about
someone saying you fifteen more minutes in you she kind's like, yeah,

(45:08):
I do. I do helps her stretch. I know this
is hard, it's a hard day. You can do a
little bit more. It's actually such an act of love
when you deliver that to your kid. I'm not rebuilding
the block tower for you, not because I'm being mean,
but because I actually think you're a kid who can
develop the capacity to have a block tower fall and

(45:29):
not leave the room. I'm not calling the school about
your best friend not being in your class because I
think you're a kid who can have a totally good
second grade after a first very difficult couple of weeks
where you end up making other friends and finding out
you're more flexible than you realized. It's such an act
of love to see a more capable version of your

(45:49):
kid than they can access in that moment.

Speaker 2 (45:52):
So, going off of this, I also want to talk
about how we speak to our children, because I feel
like how we speak to our children, whether it be
versus kind of building confidence, there's the way we speak
to our kids is so important. So how should parents
be speaking to their child on a day to day basis?
And then when is there too much praise not enough praise?

Speaker 1 (46:14):
Parents have such natural language and gifts and love within them,
So in general, do your thing talk to people the
way you think is natural.

Speaker 2 (46:22):
So then maybe it's like what kind of praise builds confidence?

Speaker 1 (46:25):
That's a great question. I think we misunderstand praise and
the impact that praise actually has on kids. Now, I
think there's been also this thing in the media like
don't say good job. Like I have parents coming, I'm
not supposed to say good job. I said good talk
to my kid. I messed them up. You are not
messing up your kid if you say good job. Okay,
But if we get it, we back out from just

(46:45):
the script.

Speaker 2 (46:46):
I feel like, good job is better than you're perfect.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
Right, good job is better than you're horrible? Right, all that,
But I think one of the things we've noticed as
a generation, unfairly putting myself in your generation, we are
not at the same generation, is then a reliance on
external validation and how much that can actually lead to
a lot of lack of confidence and a lot of fragility.
If I don't even know if I feel good about

(47:11):
something I did until someone tells me good job, that's
really not confidence. That really is a lot of fragility.
And so to me, confidence is really self trust. Confidence
isn't something someone really gives us. It's actually something that
develops when we discover all the worth and value we
have inside of ourselves. So let's say your kid one
day paints a picture, look mommy, Right, What they're actually

(47:33):
saying is I produce something and now I'm bringing it
to you. There's nothing wrong with saying good job, but
if you really want to build confidence, you'd actually turn
their gaze back in and inquire more about their process
than their outcome. How did you think to draw that?
How did you think too, as one of the best
sentence structures to actually build confidence in your kid, because

(47:54):
think about you're in a new apartment. Okay, let's say
it's all decorated, it's all done, okay incomes and they
just say good job, just to see how that lands.
It's not bad. But think what another friend who says,
how did you decide the green chairs with the gray?
And how did you decide this carpet? Ooh, and tell
me about that bookshelf. Even if they never say good job,

(48:17):
I bet you would end up feeling better because you
get to share your internal world with them. And so
there's nothing wrong with slapping on a good job or
slapping on some praise here or there. But what we
actually know from a lot of research is confidence also
isn't about other people saying the right things from us.
It's actually about someone helping us realize that there's good
stuff inside us, and so getting your kids to talk

(48:39):
a little bit more about that, or at least as
a parent, being interested in that. How did you decide
to use that topic as your essay? Why did you
decide to choose that talking about ending that paper that way?
I wouldn't have thought to do that my kid actually
develops a true sense of internal value because I'm interested
in them.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
And it allows them to speak their mind and share
their thoughts with you, which is them also being creative.
And that's and it's just.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
Like a good boss. Think about a presentation and someone
saying good job. But again there's nothing wrong with that,
But think about the boss saying talk about how you
started that. I wouldn't have thought to do that. Oh,
tell me about the part a couple of minutes in,
tell me more how you thought to say that to
the group. You're gonna feel really awesome about yourself after that.

Speaker 2 (49:15):
It's true. It's like any age, there's nothing better than
somebody being curious in what.

Speaker 1 (49:19):
You're up to exactly it.

Speaker 2 (49:30):
Okay, building self worth? So what are some early signs
that a child is not feeling secure or seen? And
what do you do in those moments?

Speaker 1 (49:38):
I mean, there could be it's hard. There could be
so many reasons for something, so you know, I don't
want to incite panic, but what you know, I think
that what is it? I mean, I think probably the
thing I look out for is this kind of over
reliance on external validation, right, the idea almost I don't

(50:01):
really know how I feel about something until someone else
tells me how I feel about something. Do you like
my outfit? Do you think that was a good grade
on the test? Do you want to watch that movie?
Did you like that movie? Right? And again, it's not
like i'd say to a parent, your kid has low
self worth. What I'd say is, let's zoom out. There's
something going on with your kid has really oriented towards

(50:22):
this external gaze. It's almost like they experience something, and
all the time after that, say what do you think?
What do you think? What do you think? I'm almost
getting opinions from here to put them in me. If
we think about kids who are especially prone to struggling
after being a lot of social media, think about what
social media is. I'll put something out into the world

(50:42):
and you can all tell me if I am valuable?
Right to me? Self worth actually comes a lot from
doing things and gazing in Do I like this outfit?
Do I feel good in it? Do I think I
did a good job in the paper? What movies do
I like? What foods do I like? Where do I
want to go for dinner tonight? Right, it's really a
sense of I have a sense of myself. I'm not

(51:02):
always right, but I have a sense of myself, and
so I'm always interested in parents helping kids develop that
while knowing, of course, there's a balance of also doing
that while learning to be flexible in the world.

Speaker 2 (51:15):
So it's like, if your kid is starting to question
all of their decisions, maybe start.

Speaker 1 (51:20):
If I'm honest, the kids who do that this it's hard,
are really easy kids. They're people pleasing kids. They're the
kids a lot of people say, oh, your daughter, your
son is just so easy because their orientation when they're
young is instead of gazing in at any moment, I'm
always gazing out and trying to figure out what everyone

(51:42):
wants and feels to make them happy, so I can
go along with it. We actually praise this in childhood,
even though we kind of know it causes, you know,
a bunch of struggles in adulthood.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
It's interesting, Yeah, raising kids in New York City, So
we're going to be raising our kids in New York City.
I know you're raising your family in New York City,
So what are the unique things about raising kids here
that maybe you don't find elsewhere.

Speaker 1 (52:08):
I can speak to things that I that I know
or you know. The things that I think are unique
here is you just see a lot. You see a lot.
You know, you're walking around. I take the subway everywhere.
It's a very varied environment, right, and you see amazing things.
Oh my goodness, run the subway and someone's playing music

(52:29):
and people are dancing. There's so much joy. And sometimes
I'm on the subway and you know there's an on
house person who's naked and is you know that that's.

Speaker 2 (52:37):
Happening too, right, And so they're literally seeing a lot.

Speaker 1 (52:40):
Yeah, they're seeing a lot. I actually think kids, again
are expert perceivers. And one of the things we unintentionally
do in the name of protecting kids is actually build
their self doubt. Oh why is that person you know
doing that thing? Oh you're too young, Oh that's not happening,
And a kid actually learns I thought I noticed something,
and maybe maybe my perceptions are wrong. So I think

(53:01):
it's almost especially important when you're raising your kids in
New York City or environment where they see a lot.
You've got to get ready to talk about real things.
Your kids are going to see it, and we want
to validate that and be a space for that. You
can't always avoid it. That's number one. Number two, my
kids are eight, eleven and fourteen. What New York City
has given my older kids, especially in terms of kind

(53:22):
of being a playground for independence and capability, is just amazing.
I mean, you know, if I think about my fourteen
year old and the way he travels around the city,
the way not only he makes his own social plans,
but he can execute on them because he knows how
to take the subway, he knows how to take the bus.
It's you know, my two older kids. This morning, I
walk to the local bakery and they got food for everyone.

(53:44):
I just think that's so amazing. Kids feel capable not
because they do well in a very protected environment. Kids
feel capable because they actually do things in the real world.
And so I think New York City and some ways
makes that a little easier because it's kind of right
outside their door.

Speaker 2 (53:59):
I have felt that too. I feel like when I
went to school in New York and there are a
lot of people that I went to school with that
grew up in the city, and I felt like they
were so mature for their age. And it's probably because
a lot of the things that you're talking about. I
think kids do grow up fast in the city. Do
you think there is cons to that?

Speaker 1 (54:16):
Yeah, I mean in general, I'm someone who always sees
nuance in situations. I'm not ever a person anywhere who's like,
this thing is the best, because I'm like, well, it
has this, but it doesn't have this, this doesn't have
this right. And so I think probably in this world
we live in now, whether it's in New York City,
but it's also true anywhere else, with social media everywhere,
with just so many things on the internet that are

(54:37):
also just inappropriate for kids, the cost to not being
able to set boundaries for kids has never been stronger.
So I think as parents we have to practice that
boundary muscle, hopefully not starting when our kids are sixteen,
starting when our kids are even babies. And we have
to stay connected to our kids along the way. I
think both things have never mattered more. We have to
set more boundaries. There's a lot more, you know, around

(54:58):
our kids that's not good for them. And we have
to stay connected to our kids, which doesn't mean being permissive,
because as your kids get older, connection is kind of
the only thing you have because if you're not connected
in a good relationship with them, they're not going to
listen to any of the boundaries.

Speaker 2 (55:11):
You said, So you're a working mom, I'm going to
be a working mom as well. I'm curious. You know
a lot of people talk about mom guilt. I've obviously
never experienced it yet, But what is mom guilt and
how do we kind of counterbalance it?

Speaker 1 (55:25):
Ugh? I think mom guilt is another one of those things,
like boundaries, that we really really misunderstand. And I actually
think that's because we misunderstand the word guilt. So to me,
guilt is a very important feeling. Gilt is a feeling
we have when we act out of alignment with our
own values. So we both live in New York City,
and if one of us was in a taxi and
they went a different route than we wanted and we yelled,

(55:46):
hopefully we'd both feel guilty because it's out of our
value system to yell at anyone, especially someone trying to
help us. And gil was really useful because then it
makes you reflect why did I do that? Because it's
such a painful feeling, It forces you why did I
do that? What would I do differently? Should I repair?
Useful feeling? Now? The thing with mom guilt that's interesting
to me is I'll talk to parents, working and non

(56:07):
working parents. Let's say it's a working parent who loves
their job, right, and they'll say, oh, but I feel
so guilty. Right? Is that actually guilt? Are you acting
out of alignment with your values? You might be. You
might say, yeah, i've been traveling for work the past
three months. I've hardly seen my kid. That's not within
my values. Useful, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's an

(56:28):
internalized sense of what other people are doing and you're
not doing. Because sometimes parents say to me, no, I
actually love my job, and I feel like I'm showing up.
They're a good amount and it's never perfectly in balance,
but I have that and I have my time with
my kids. I don't know if that's really mom guilt
or if that's something else. I mean, I think in general,
the idea of balance is just something we should really
throw to the wayside. Nobody has balance, and if you're

(56:49):
a working mom, you would never have balance. I think
we have burners. One burners our work, One is our kid.
One is our partnership if we have one, one is
our health, one is you know, our friendships. And to me,
the best it gets as a working mom is at
any point saying, hold on, are any of my burners
very high? And they've been like that for a while,
and are any neglected? And if so, should I just
do a little bit moderation turn this one down a little. Oh,

(57:11):
I'm gonna make sure to carve out time and leave
work early on Friday and turn my friendship one up.
I'm gonna have lunch with my friends, or I'm gonna
spend more time with my baby. And I think that
constant recalibration kind of the best it gets.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
And I also have always felt like it's really healthy
for kids to see their parents working. So it's kind
of I don't know, sometimes there's this like weird stereotype
around working moms where it's like, oh, she should be
home with her kids more. And I really do feel
like it's a myth because I actually feel like, and
you can probably speak to this, but I feel like,
psychologically it's really good for kids to see their parents working.

Speaker 1 (57:42):
Yeah, I mean, I really think there's not one right
way to be a good mom or be a good dad,
and so you know, there's working parents who feel like
that really matters to me, and I love that my
kid sees that, and I love that sometimes I'm not
available for them and a different adult is available for
them and they've developed more flexibility. That could be great.
There's other parents who don't work outside the home and
feel like this is what I want to be doing

(58:04):
and I want to show up for my kid in
this way, and they get separation in other ways, and
I just, you know, I think there's just so so
many ways to be a good parent.

Speaker 2 (58:11):
What does a child need most from their mom?

Speaker 1 (58:13):
I think what a child really needs from their parent
is Number One. We've to remember they're a good kid,
which is harder to hold on to than we think
when especially they go through the todd They're years and
have a whole lot of difficult behaviors. So just remembering
I have a good kid having a hard time, rather
than a bad kid doing bad things is a life
changing sentence. If every parent remembered that I have a

(58:36):
good kid who's having a hard time, I really feel
like the world would beat a different voice. Number Two,
I think remembering our kids are capable. Our kids really
need that. We often need to see our kids as
more capable as they can hold on to for themselves.
I think that really matters number three, and maybe this
should be number one. Kids need love, They need snuggles.
They need to be told I love you. They need

(58:57):
to whisper every once in a while, I'm so glad
I'm your mom. I'm so lucky to be your mom.
They need to feel seen and loved. And I think
they need repair. They need to know that there's no
perfection any relationships. And when we repair, we model accountability.
We model that we can learn from mistakes, and those
are two things I think we all want our kids
to have as traits as well.

Speaker 2 (59:16):
I love the idea of repair too, because it also
is modeling good communication exactly, which is actually a really
hard skill for even adults to develop. Yes, so we
talked about so much today, and there's so much that
you cover online. So if people are interested in learning
more about you, guys, everybody go check out doctor Becky.
Coming out of today's conversation, I just want you to

(59:37):
tell us the foundational principle that you want all parents
to know as they're becoming new parents or just wherever
they're at in.

Speaker 1 (59:45):
Their parents stage. So of the ten good in side
foundational principles, I will kind of start with one, and
it really is that you are good inside. And there's
a little more nuance there that I'll explain. The whole
idea of good inside is also big on this idea
that our identity is separate from our behavior. This actually,
whether you're a parent or a kid or an adult

(01:00:06):
without kids, is just so powerful if you actually separate
your hands and you say, hey, this is my identity,
I am good inside, and over here is my behavior.
The difference between saying I have a good mom who's
struggling with feeding versus what usually happens when we're struggling
with feeding. Struggling with feeding collapses into I'm not good

(01:00:27):
at this. Everyone else does this better. I'm a nept
as a parent. I can't figure out something basic. What's
really happening there is I've lost the principle of good inside.
I've taken a struggle in my behavior and I've collapsed
it into my identity. Same thing with my kid. Right,
I have a good baby who will not sleep right
now at two thirty four am. Is very different than
what happens. I'm like, oh, what's wrong with my baby?

(01:00:49):
And they won't sleep and they're behind right and so
that idea of separating identity from behavior, which can kind
of be summed up as I am good inside. I
am a good parent who had a hard time. I'm
a good I have a good kid who's having a
hard time. I think is probably the biggest and most
helpful perspective change.

Speaker 2 (01:01:07):
Is there anything new that you guys have coming up
that you want to shout out?

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
Yes? And timing couldn't be more perfect around your pregnancy,
is you know? I think we you know, we've launched
this whole parenting platform all around actually empowering parents and
helping them show up in a way that they're proud of.
And over and over from our audience, we hear one thing,
I wish I had this from the very start. I
wish I had this from the very start. So based
on that, I'm so excited that we are launching Good

(01:01:32):
Inside Baby. You know, for parents from the very start
to have a resource that actually makes them feel empowered,
not anxious, that makes them feel capable, not kind of
at the beck and call of forty different voices. I
just think is going to be game changing both for parents'
mental health and for their babies and for their connection
and so good inside. Baby has feeding, it has sleep,

(01:01:55):
it has me and all from one good inside method,
and I think it's really the only resource that's just
as much for the parent as it is for the baby.
I will guarantee that it will stop parents from running
themselves into the ground. And it really comes from also
the core belief that the best way to take care
of a baby is to take care of the person
holding the baby. And so we're so excited to put

(01:02:17):
that out into the world.

Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
Well, I cannot wait to dive into it. I'm so excited.
I know we covered such a range today of topics
that can apply to kids of all ages, but just
knowing that you're coming out with something for people in
that newborn baby stage specifically, really is going to be
so helpful.

Speaker 1 (01:02:33):
I'm so excited. Thanks for having me on.

Speaker 2 (01:02:34):
Thank you so much. Thank you guys so much for
making it this far into the episode. This conversation was
one I am going to personally bookmark, given the life
change on my horizon with having a baby in two months.
If you found it helpful, please make sure if you
haven't already, to follow the show and stay tuned for

(01:02:55):
our weekly episodes. I'll see you guys next week,