January 17, 2026 • 35 mins
Jana continues her chat with real women who are sharing their divorce survival tips!
Ever think you should ask to keep your phone number in your divorce?? One woman explains why you should!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Hey guys, it's Jana Kramer, one of your hosts of
I Do Part two, and we're back with part two
of our chat with some amazing content creators and their
journey through divorce. They've got such great advice, so let's
jump back in. Next up, we've got Sheila.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hi, Jannah, how are you Hi?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I'm good. How are you doing?
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Good?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I love your Instagram. I was watching your videos and
one where you're just like the perks of being divorced,
because I feel like a lot of I mean a
lot of the stuff that I've done was like crying
and like sad and then like and then you find healing,
but you're like, you made it so funny where you're
just like I don't have to clean up beard hair
and I you know, the trash is empty and I
(00:57):
don't and I was just like, yes, girl, like all
all of that, the enjoying that singleness of living in
your own space and not having to like, yeah, just
highlighting that and I love that.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Thank you. It did not always start that way when
I sure, yeah, first had my separation, I had my
sad girl face, you know, eating chocolate, crying.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
Watching the Barbie movie.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Actually that got me.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Yeah, And so it started that way, and I had
a lot of self blame that I had to work
through that kept me from actually embracing the fact that
this is a new start and this is like a
time for me to rediscover myself. So I have definitely progressed.
We're all in that phase. But now I definitely hope
(01:47):
to be that light to women, to show that, hey,
there's happiness in this. You're gonna go through a lot
of dark a lot of hard times, but there's gonna
be a little happy moments and you should embrace those
as they come.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So, yeah, did you do anything new to your house?
Because I remember when I got divorced, I sold all
the ring and the diamonds and there wasn't many, but like,
you know, like there was a few, and I got
all new furniture and I was just like, I wanted
to make the space how you know, it would be
best fit for me and the kiddos, And it was
the best revamping that the whole energy of the house.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Yes, so I actually ended up moving into a different place,
so I didn't stay in the house that we were
married in. But immediately I have girly ties. I don't
know what the word is for. That made my house
very feminine. There's lots of flowers, there's lots of pink,
and I just was like, I want to come home
and I want to feel like happy to be in
(02:44):
a space. I want to have a reading book, I
want this, And it was like any dream I had
in my head. I was like, I'm going to make
it happen. And it's funny because I have a son.
I have a three year old son, so it's not just.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
A girl house.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
I like to say it's girl house, but there's a
boy room in the house. And he had to love
the pink room and everything. You know, he's young, so
he thinks it's lots of fun. But other than that,
I've just really embraced my style, learning about it, doing
fun things that you normally wouldn't do in a house
that would be like a marital home. So yeah, just
(03:15):
kind of exploring, trying things that I never would have
probably put in a house that I knew, you know,
having a grown man live in, I would never do that.
So I experimented a lot and added a lot of
things that made it feel like I would be happy
to come home to or relax in and it was
kind of my safe space.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So yeah, no, for sure, I love that. What is
something that you've learned about yourself through the is divorce
now or because you said separated at one point, so
is it? Are you still through the process or so?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Yeah, our process has taken a while in September of
twenty twenty four, so we're going on over a year
of the separation process. So yeah, it should be ending.
But through that process I did learn a lot. In
the beginning. One of the best things that I learned
(04:08):
was I was having a lot of self blame. I
was the one that initiated the divorce. We have a kid,
and so I put a lot of that shame onto
myself and I immediately got in therapy, which is the
best thing anyone can do going through the situation. And
what I learned there was to have empathy for myself
and that to ask myself what did I not know
(04:29):
or what skills did I not have coming into the
marriage that now I can have now that I can
learn and work on, which helped me empathize with myself.
And then once I broke through the being down blaming myself,
then I hit this phase where I was like, look
at all this time I have now that I was
investing in another person, in trying to save a marriage
(04:54):
that wasn't working. All this time that I have, you know,
I've already spent a lot of time with my kid.
What can I do with this time? And I put
it back into myself and that was a big unlock.
I started learning so much about myself, experiencing so many
different things, and I started a fitness journey and I started,
you know, just like doing things I never would have tried,
(05:16):
and I learned a lot about who I was. So
there's definitely a lot that you'll you'll have so many
phases after separation, but the best phase is when you're
willing to be a little more selfish and willing to
reinvest that time back into yourself because it's really going
to help you also protect your peace through that time.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And it's rediscovering yourself too, and like, what what do
you want? You know, what do you want to be
doing right now? And you know, I love that And
that's one of my favorite pieces of my divorce too,
was going to therapy and having that healing journey and
truly figuring out, you know who I am and what
(05:56):
I want and what I want for the future. And
have you started dating or do you have to wait
until after the separation.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
I did start dating. Yeah, and my ex is dating
as well.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Okay, great.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Yeah, dating is like it feels like a rodeo when
you've been in a marriage for a while, you haven't
dated in a long time, and it feels like so
uncomfortable at first, because I know at the beginning, I
was putting so much pressure on it and I felt
like I couldn't mess up in the dating process. I
(06:29):
had to be so careful. I was so highly critical
and I approached it and I wasn't having any fun.
It was like it was I was like, why am
I doing this to myself? And also I just had
to learn what is dating again? Because I've been playing wife,
I've been playing mom and like to shift into almost
(06:50):
feeling like a teenager again or young again and dating.
It's a weird thing. But yeah, I have started dating again.
I do have a boyfriend actually, eh outing last year,
and you know, there's a lot of duds out there.
There's a lot of people that you're not gonna mesh with,
but yeah, there is potential to find someone out there.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Yeah, and I always tell my divorce friends too, and
this is something that someone told me when I was
you know, dating, it's all gathering information. So it's like
the next the first person that you go ot with
most likely isn't going to be the one that you marry,
and then one after that it's probably not going to
be the one too. But each one you gather information
about what you like, whatch you don't like, and then
within it then you start molding like Okay, I don't
(07:35):
like that. Okay, we're done. That's I'm not going to
continue on with trying to put you in this puzzle
piece that you're not going to ever fit in. And
you know, I think there's so much that you learn
about yourself through that process too, like, oh yeah, I
don't know how I was attracted to that back in
the day, but I'm definitely not now and that's not
the type. Okay, we're going to move this way now.
(07:55):
And it's just like every every date, every time you
meet someone, it's just the information and how do you feel.
You know, at the end of the night, you know,
you just keep one on other date? Cool? If not,
you'll know, you know, I was new second date, like
I'd maybe like I'll give you like one more date. Yeah,
and it's like new.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Love that did you ever struggle with? I had a
big click through my dating process that I felt like
I was being interviewed and I had to show, okay everything.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
So my therapist told me the best tip I ever
got and she goes, Janna and because it was this
guy that I was kind of hung up on that
I was dating, and she goes, would you please stop
putting yourself on trial? She's like, you are the judge.
They are on trial. She's like, you are being like
am I Am I good enough? Am I this? It's
She's like no, She's like are they good enough? Do
(08:46):
they fit your pieces? Do they you know, fit the
box of this, that and the other. She's like, you
are the judge. You are putting them on trial. You're
not on trial. And I was like, okay, I love that.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Great when I locked that that like, I'm not the
one being interviewed in a way, I'm interviewing them. Do
I want my life? And hostly, if I do want
them in my life, they'll want that back. But you
can't control that.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
No, But I think that comes a lot to the
piece for me, Like I was always like I my
core wound was like I'm not good enough, so I
want them to choose me. And I had to flip
that script when I got divorced to go, no, I
choose myself and I'm going to choose them, like they
don't they get they get to you know, like love
me if I choose them? You know, yes?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
And I think that ties back into the being more selfish.
You truly love yourself and you know what you bring
you're not. You come into these situations and you think,
what what can you add to my life? Because you're
not going to add chaos to the piece you've just created.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
You're not going to.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Add something into your life that's going to destroy what
the bubble you've created for yourself. So the self love,
the selfishness, it unlocked a lot for me in dating,
and I could tell the quality of men that I
was dating and encountering was just continuing to increase as
I continued to love myself more.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, and I will say if you if because I
saw this, if you after divorces, if you're dating kind
of the same men, you still have to do the
work on yourself, because yes, there's something Anya that's wanting, uh,
that hasn't healed yet if you're going to if you're
still attracting that same type of person.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Yes, that is so funny that you say that the
people I dated prior to my marriage nothing like the
people that I have dated posts marriage. It's very interesting
the differences. Back in the day, I was dating a
lot of blue collar, very like manly men, you know,
the stereotypes. And now I have found you know, I
(10:50):
work my own stay at home, or I work a
remote job, I work in corporate, and I actually do
better with men who also work in corporate or work
jobs very similar who can talk to me about work.
I love that type of banter. So it was very interesting.
And also a lot of my old dating preferences relied
(11:11):
on unhealed wounds of things that I had encountered in
my childhood and therapy. Before marriage, I thought, you know,
therapy is for people who really need help. So not true,
So not true. Now I am such a huge therapy
advocate and it really does help in the dating process
to have someone to talk to.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Yeah, one hundred percent agree. Where can our listeners find you?
You're a sweetheart.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Yes TikToker Instagram, Facebook as well, Sheila M. Harrington, I
would love if you gave me a follow. It's a
girl party on my page, celebrate.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I love it being single again, Barbie World, Let's do this. Okay,
thanks girl, great chatting?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Yes, thank you?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
All right by Henny. Next up, we've got Melinda Long.
I'm here, Hey Melinda. I was watching your video and
it's it was so timely because I was making an
(12:18):
album of my daughter because she's about to turn ten,
and I was watching some old videos when I was
still married to max husband, and I'm watching these videos
and I'm like, how was I married to him? And
I'm like who who is he? And then I'm like
and then I'm watching her Instagram and I was like
I literally just had that same feeling of but like
(12:42):
we have two kids together and and like how And
I'm watching these videos and I'm like, wait that we
live together and that was my husband.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Sometimes I'll be at a game and my ex will
walk in and I'm like, oh I know. I'm oh,
wait that was married to him, Like you genuinely have
this this this weird like fe I just never expected
to feel that way in the midst of everything, and
now I'm like, this is somebody I slept in bed
with every night and I told my deepest, darkest secrets
and there are strangers sitting over there, and I don't
even even feel much of anything, you.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Know, I know. And that's the craziest piece, because like
the same when I see him at a volleyball game
or whatever, when he comes over, I'm just like, I mean,
there's this zero feeling and I'm like hot, how like
we have two kids and we were married for these
many years.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
And but I also look and I think to myself,
like I terrible to say, what was I thinking?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Yeah, totally I'm not attracted to him.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Yeah, like is everybody else in the room thinking the
same thing? I Am like, what were you do?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
You know?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
And it's just like still a little I said it,
this little ick factor. I'm sure he has the same feelings.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
For me, totally. I'm sure my laugh and my voice
and my like the heck out of him, you know.
But I mean my husband now, yeah, he's like I
don't ever see guys together. I was like, no, same, Like,
I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
But I also am thankful for that because could you
imagine if you still had those feelings like when you
saw the person like that, you had this longing still
or this like I still wish I don't have, so
maybe I'm really thankful that that didn't happen to me.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
That's where I always go to when they say like,
I'll always love you, and I'm like, but will you?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Because I mean, it's okay, we have we have love
for our kids, like I think. I think the only
thing is like I'm always thankful for that moment because
of the three blessings that I have from it, and
I know I gave it my own. I know it
was a space. So we'll be able to move past
that and thank goodness, I don't still have that longing.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Like, yeah, I always still gonna love me.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
So you were married for twenty years, right, okay, And
so I think my mom really struggled because she I
believe she was married to my dad a little over
fifteen years, and I remember that being the thing for
her that was I might have even been funny, gosh,
I can't remember now, but yeah, no, it was definitely long.
Oh no, it was twenty plus. Yeah, where she was
(14:56):
just like I don't know anything different, you know, and
I don't don't even know who I am because I
dated him when I was so young, like in my
early twenties nineteen, you know, and so.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
You know that is your identity.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Yeah, Like she was just like even changing. She's like,
I've been a Kramer longer than I was a Kaufman.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
You know.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Now you walked, I would say that was the hardest
part is accepting that that it's no longer my identity.
I'm no longer a wife, We're no longer that picture
perfect happy family that we put out there, you know,
you put this image out there. And also you know,
for my kids where this it is a process. I
should share that along the way, I lost one hundred
(15:38):
and twenty pounds before I got file for divorce. So
I had this kind of giant life shift of my
appearance at the same time as my marriage falling apart,
which I thought it would have brought us together, but
it brought us apart.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Did you get fit to try to keep him? Is
that was that the no?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
I got I got fit after COVID, I got fit
after losing my father. I got fit after realizing that
my health was really taking a toll and I need
to be here for a long time. But perhaps in
that journey, I also started to realize that maybe some
of the food and some of that was a mask
for other issues that were going on, and maybe gave
(16:14):
me a little more confidence to do what to finally
file for divorce. Actually I filed for divorce twice. I
went through the second time. I dropped it the first time.
But that change was the thing I was most scared of.
That was the hardest part. I really didn't have an identity.
Everything was wrapped up in my life, my family, and
my kids were getting older. I have two in college
(16:34):
and one in high school now. So that's been the
biggest struggle, and I think that a lot of sleep
lost in it, but also a lot of growth, a
lot of personal growth, and a lot of finding myself.
I've really taken to fitness. I've always loved to cook.
I still love to cook. I've been able to travel
a little bit more, and honestly, I've connected with my
(16:54):
kids in a whole different way that I did was
possible back in the middle of the divorce. They respect
me more. I think now, watching my own personal journey
and me doing what was right and what was right
for our family. But one hundred percent think that that
is the scariest part, and I think that helped me back.
It's the reason that I dropped the first time of divorce.
(17:15):
It's that fear.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Well, and because what age were you when you finally filed?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
I'm forty nine now would it be fifty this year?
I guess I was forty six when I filed.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Forty six, Yeah, and that's a that's a tough age
to go. Okay, you know, what is this? What does
this look like? But there's also gosh, I know so
many women that have had such beautiful Like my one
girlfriend's fifteen, just got married, you know what I mean,
Like she's the happiest she's ever been. So it's like,
don't stay because you're afraid to not be with someone
(17:47):
for the next part of your life, because we have
so if you think about it, you have another at
least forty years, you know, that's a lot of life.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Yeah, And there's and there's love out there. I mean
I've had love at the second time around. There is
love out there, and it's different, and you know, I
just don't think I realized that that was a possibility
that to feel a certain fulfillment and to have a
connection with somebody that's like that, it is possible and
it is real. I think I settled for what I
(18:17):
thought was real because in my twenties, I was supposed
to get married, and I was supposed to have kids,
and I was supposed to live a certain life.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
And while I.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Certainly did love my husband, it wasn't the connection that
I found later on, or that I realized exists. And
life gets in front of you.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
But you're right.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I'm forty nine, I'm going to be fifty this year.
There's a lot of life left. And I certainly, in
no way, shape or form, wanted to get divorced, nor
did I picture myself ever here in a million years.
But now that I'm here, I'm not disappointed with the
life that I'm living, and I'm realizing that there's so
much more to live. And yes, there is love, second
time around, third time around, whatever it might be for everybody.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Have you found that love?
Speaker 3 (18:56):
I have? I have?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Oh, look at you? Did you find that love? Where
did you find it?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Companionship through a friend who was going through the same
as myself. He's awesome, my personal trainer. So it's very cliche.
Oh hey girl, but friendship, companionship, going through the same thing,
feeling at the same age.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
What do you think the craziest part of divorce that
no one talks about?
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Literally how you can feel this tremendous immense hatred, bitterness,
all this and then two years later and you're looking like,
what was I so afraid of? Yes, why was this
so scary? What was I It's really the what was
I thinking? There's so much more to life, and there's
there's I'm not wearing a scarlet letter. I thought I
was wearing a scarlet letter and that's shame. That was
(19:42):
the biggest shot for me.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
My therapist would always say, what's the worst thing, Like,
what is your biggest fear? If you get divorced? And
I'm like, well, and then I'm alone, and she goes
and then what, well, then you know no one loved me.
And then she's like okay, and then what you know
and she's just like but then we go to the positive.
It's like, your kids are good and you're okay, and
so it's the worst thing that can happen is really
(20:05):
not the kids is the other.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Big piece, I think, especially for women, I don't want
to say not for men, but especially for women. As mothers,
we want to be the perfect mom and we want
to get this perfect family, and we want to give
them this marriage that they can look up to. And
I felt a real responsibility to make that work for
my kids. And I laugh now because my kids look
at me like, who were you fooling? We knew it
(20:26):
wasn't good and we couldn't wait for it to be over,
but in the moment, you really feel a responsibility, and
that was the biggest hurdle. I think that was really
the reason I struggled to go to the next level.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So do you think your advice for someone getting divorced
now is just, I mean, give it some time, like
because you're not going to have that same anger in
a couple of years.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
You have to, yes, give it time, because everything is temporary.
You have to know in your heart that you gave
it your all, that you tried everything, that you didn't
walk away in a fight, that you didn't walk away
for your own selfish reasons, that you really gave it all.
And once you know you've done that, you have to
stick to your guns and know that you have to
(21:14):
do better for yourself or your family, for your children,
and ride it through because there's it's not going to
fix itself. If you've given it all, it's it's just
not going to fix itself.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Yep, agree with you one hundred percent on that. I
always said I walk away when I know that I
did everything that I could to try to stay, that
leaving is the only option I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
And then then then I got mad at myself that
I stayed that long. But at least I can say, Okay,
I did, I did every step I could.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
I feel confident that I did everything I could. Now
I'm in the stage of a couple of years later
of forgiving myself for allowing myself to go through things
I shouldn't have been, letting my kids see things they
shouldn't have. So now I'm in that forgiveness stage. But
I'd rather have that knowing that I didn't walk away
without giving it my all.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah. Forgiving yourself is uh, it was harder than forgiving them,
is what my journey was.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I agree. I'm feeling that a bit now, you know,
coming up on this fiftieth year and in a new relationship,
I really have to work on that piece because if
you carry those pieces into your future relationships and into
your family and being the good role model, I really
have to work on that healing journey. So that's the
part that I'm finding comes a little bit later. But
I'm thankful for that journey because I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Sort of Linda. How can we follow along in that journey?
Where can our listeners find you?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
I know I don't stop talking.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
I apologize, but I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I'm on Instagram. My Instagram handle is gritten Glow Underscore
by mel I share my health, my fitness, my divorce journey,
and my completely chaotic life with my with my kids.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So thank you love it so much. Well, thank you
for joining I do part two and we look forward
to watching your journey.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Right, so nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Thank by Honey Seya. And last up we've got Ashley. Hi,
hey girl, Well you look beautiful for being pulled over
on the side of the road just leaving court with
your exta girl. We caught you in a time.
Speaker 4 (23:13):
Oh my gosh, the worst time but the best time
also because you know, the life could not be better
on this side of things.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Okay, So I was watching her Instagram, which I love,
and but one of the things, the tip that you
were giving about the phone number, I had no idea
that was even it. Why would he want your number?
I was so confused. Can you just like tell the
listeners like a little and is this why you were
in court? I was just I'm so confused. I'm like, please,
I need to understand this, Like, this is her phone number?
Speaker 4 (23:41):
What? So I've had this phone number since I was
fifteen sixteen, like twenty years. It's a pre marital asset.
But when we got married, my dad released the number
two you know, for us to join accounts, right, and
so yeah, he paid for the phone number. He had
the phone number, but it's still my phone number that
(24:01):
I used with both of my businesses. It's the emergency
contact at my son's school, Arsun School. And he basically
told me in June that I needed to get my
own line. So I did that. I created my own account.
Apparently he is now claiming that that was fraudulent. So
T Mobile granted him the phone number back to his account,
(24:21):
even though I was paying my own bill for three months.
I was paying my own bill on my own T
Mobile account, and so he has had control over my
phone number since September hasn't turned it off. I'm still
able to use this phone number. But yeah, so ended
up having to take him to court because he won't
release the line to me even though it is premarital,
(24:43):
it's attached to my businesses, which he relinquished his rights to.
So we're just waiting, honestly, for the judge to come
down with her judgment whether or not I can keep
it or not.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
What was the sense from the judge? Were you feeling
hopeful or was she giving you.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
I'm optimistic because she just kept looking at him like
are you because she kept asking him why do you
want the phone number? And he couldn't give a reason.
He's like, it's my property. That's the only reason why
he you know, he is claiming that this is his
phone number, it's my property. Honestly, he's probably just going
to turn it off the minute he gets it back,
so he doesn't really want it for a purpose. So
I'm hoping that she kind of takes that into consideration,
(25:20):
that this is livelihood versus just being vindictive and petty.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So, I mean, can we say yay, you're not married
to him anymore?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Yo?
Speaker 4 (25:30):
My lawyer today was like, I can't believe you were
married to him. She's like he is he is slimy,
he is like even during mediation when we went through
our divorce mediation, the initial offer that we put on
the table at ten thirty am is the offer that
he ended up accepting at six thirty pm. But he
pushed it out so that way we would have to
(25:50):
pay that whole time. I mean, we ended up we
were in mediation for yeah, over ten hours.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Isn't that hard to like? You know, I felt that
same thing where it's like, why was my judgment or
how is my judgment? How was I so fooled there?
It's to allow this to happen and then stay in
it and be with someone like that.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
And I wasn't even the one who filed for divorce.
He filed for divorce from me when I was actually
I was in California with our son, visiting family in
Santa Barbara for my step uh my stepmom's dad's birthday.
I came back, he had packed his stuff, moved out,
brought me out in front of the ring camera, so
he had it documented that he was leaving me, that
(26:36):
he had filed for divorce, that we were going to
be doing two two three custody and I should be
getting served any day now. Did he have a reason
we had Nope. We had no conversation. He never sat
me down. He just filed and left. And then about
six weeks later he wanted to reconcile, and I was like,
you know what, I've been asking for therapy for six years,
(26:58):
Let's try going to therapy if you're putting it on
the table. Now now that it's his idea, We're going
to go to therapy. And we did therapy for about
six weeks and I just had a gut feeling that
I can't do this for the rest of my life.
This is not going to work. And then a week
later I received our financial affidavit and found that he
was hiding money from me. Meanwhile, I'm working three jobs
(27:21):
trying to keep us afloat. He chose not to work
for years, and that money could have literally saved saved us,
saved me so much stress, and I it was like boom,
boom boom. I knew I was done at that point
because this was the final betrayal, This was the final
thing that the nail in the coffin essentially.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Mm hmm. So how does how do you now walk
through everything that you know? Because you seem like a
very strong, put together woman. Are you letting the what
you know to be the truth statements come in your
head or are you like, where are you at in that?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
I know the truth? I know my truth. I know
that I did everything in my power. I had been
asking for therapy for years. I had addressed, you know,
issues that I you know, I went to therapy by
myself because at one point, I really he had me
convinced that I was the problem. I went to therapy
by myself and he would never come to join, even
though my therapist was like, we would love to have
(28:21):
him bring his perspective to the table so that way
we were not like just saying that you're you know,
he's doing these things. And I never wanted it to
be like a he he he. It was. It's mutual, right,
A marriage is mutual. I know that I'm not a
perfect person. I know that he's not a perfect person.
But the fact that he would never meet me at
the table to get help, you know, that is the
truth that I hold on to, that I tried for years,
(28:43):
that I did everything in my power to try and
make this work, and then just to have him essentially
walk out two weeks before Christmas and with no no conversation,
no discussion, no nothing, and then just continuously being vindictive
at every turn. I mean, the phone number is just
(29:05):
like the tip of the iceberg of just you know,
the behavior that is being exhibited and you know, trying
to be a productive co parent. He wanted the divorce.
You know, you don't really hear about too many women
paying child support. I pay him child support.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
I pay sixty percent.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
I pay sixty percent of our child's expenses, even though
we have fifty to fifty custody.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
You know.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
The fact that I'm giving, giving, giving, and he's consistently
still wanting to take, take, take, It's hurtful. And this
taking of my phone number, the only person that really
hurts is our son. Because if I lose the ability
to make money, like if people can't reach my business,
what does that do to our son? This is the
(29:49):
only phone number that he has memorized. What does that
do if he's in an emergency situation. He's not gonna
automatically remember a new number. You know, thankfully he has
his number memorized. But I think that that's the whole point, right,
He's like, I want to be the primary parent, I
want to be the primary contact. And it's like, but
you just started showing up now that we're divorced.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Yeah, And it's that feeling of someone taking, Like I
get that. That's how I felt in my entire last marriage,
is just always wanting to take, take, take, And you know,
I think there's going to be a place I've and
I through therapy, I was able to let that anger
go in time.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Like.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
It still comes up a few times, but mostly I've
been able to keep that anger at bay, just because
you know, there's nothing I can do about it. I
can either stay angry or I can just go. This
is unfortunately the way of the courts at the moment,
and this is who he is and I can't change that.
(30:46):
I'm not going to be like, hey, can you take
care of the kids since you only have them eight
days a month? You know, and do I do I
have to pay you this pop amount for you know?
But it's he'll never get my point. He doesn't see
it as taking. He sees it as well, it's just
the way the court.
Speaker 4 (30:59):
You know, the way the cookie crumbles, and yeah, and
I hold no resentment, right, I'm like, you gave me
my son, you gave me like the person that I
love the most in my life. You know, I'm in
a new relationship that is that makes me extremely happy.
I see. I don't I never reminisce, and I don't
live in the past. I really, like I said, I
(31:20):
don't hold resentment. The only things that I hold are like,
what is the purpose of this? Why are we behaving
this way? Why are you treating me this way when
this is exactly what you wanted. You wanted this divorce,
you asked for it. All I did was follow through
with it. You know, he I think he has deep regret.
I think he thought that he was going to file
(31:41):
for divorce and that I was going to be like, no,
please don't leave me, like I needed that. But it's
like I was already primary parent, I was already the
breadwinner of the family. I was already doing my own thing.
I lost during the last three years of our marriage.
I lost one hundred and ten pounds, got plastic surgery,
really got my health back on track, and there was
really just there was no there was no tether, there
(32:04):
was no codependence, there was no, there was none of that.
And so you know, when I started posting, I hesitated
posting on social media about my divorce because I was like,
you know, it's really nobody's business. But then when this
whole phone number thing happened, I was like, but what
if other women don't know? What if they don't know
(32:26):
to ask or their phone number. What if they don't
know that they can put this in their parenting plan
that they can bring it to the table. What if
they don't know? I feel like, you know, we talk
about a village all the time when it comes to
our kids, but what about our village together of like
making sure that we all stay good? And that is
why I like started feeling more comfortable talking about here
(32:48):
are things that I wish I had done. Here are
things that I you know, I regret. Here is you
know what what could come next for you? But I
also want to free women from the thought. I had
a video that is getting a lot of attention right
now about how many women I saw on TikTok the
day after Christmas with nothing in their stalking, nothing under
(33:09):
the tree. And I'm like, so he places no value
on you, He doesn't He can't even take an hour
of time to find something that you would love, to
make sure that you felt important on a day in
which that you made everyone else feel important. Divorce him.
It's not going to change. He doesn't hold he doesn't
hold you in regard. He doesn't hold you, you know,
(33:31):
in anything. And the amount of men in the comments
of that video stating well he paid for Christmas, he's
the one who works.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
I can say that's actually not true because in my
last marriage, my stocking was never full and I had
I paid for Christmas, and I'll say my husband, now
my stocking overfills, and I'm like, it's the cutest thing ever.
And I'm like, oh no, it's fine. It's like, no,
he makes it like Santa put the things in the stock,
you know. So I've never been spoiled like that ever,
(34:03):
you know So it's I hear you.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
I'm eighty percent of us household women work, women contribute
to the household in addition to the unpaid labor of
being a mother.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Absolutely, Well, I'm excited to see where this whole phone
number thing goes. I want. I've got a good feeling.
Are you going to update us on your social media?
Speaker 4 (34:23):
Yes? I will I definitely will keep you guys posto.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Okay, what's your what's your Instagram again for our listeners
to follow along.
Speaker 4 (34:29):
It's at bostdence boss F I, D E n C.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Okay, great, Ashley, You're drive safe because I know you're
driving right now, so dodrive safe.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
I'm excited for you. I'm excited for your part two.
And it sounds like this was the destiny to have
this part two because you got a beautiful child out
of it, and that's usually what the only redeeming factor
of being with these people are.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Okay, one hundred percent, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Thanks girl, have a good one. Well, thank you ladies
for coming on and sharing all that great advice. Do
you have breakup or divorce tips you want to share
and need some more advice from our crew, We'll call
or email us. All the info is in the show notes.
Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where
falling in love is the main objective.
Hey guys, it's Jana Kramer, one of your hosts of
I Do Part two, and we're back with part two
of our chat with some amazing content creators and their
journey through divorce. They've got such great advice, so let's
jump back in. Next up, we've got Sheila.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hi, Jannah, how are you Hi?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I'm good. How are you doing?
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Good?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I love your Instagram. I was watching your videos and
one where you're just like the perks of being divorced,
because I feel like a lot of I mean a
lot of the stuff that I've done was like crying
and like sad and then like and then you find healing,
but you're like, you made it so funny where you're
just like I don't have to clean up beard hair
and I you know, the trash is empty and I
(00:57):
don't and I was just like, yes, girl, like all
all of that, the enjoying that singleness of living in
your own space and not having to like, yeah, just
highlighting that and I love that.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Thank you. It did not always start that way when
I sure, yeah, first had my separation, I had my
sad girl face, you know, eating chocolate, crying.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
Watching the Barbie movie.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Actually that got me.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Yeah, And so it started that way, and I had
a lot of self blame that I had to work
through that kept me from actually embracing the fact that
this is a new start and this is like a
time for me to rediscover myself. So I have definitely progressed.
We're all in that phase. But now I definitely hope
(01:47):
to be that light to women, to show that, hey,
there's happiness in this. You're gonna go through a lot
of dark a lot of hard times, but there's gonna
be a little happy moments and you should embrace those
as they come.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So, yeah, did you do anything new to your house?
Because I remember when I got divorced, I sold all
the ring and the diamonds and there wasn't many, but like,
you know, like there was a few, and I got
all new furniture and I was just like, I wanted
to make the space how you know, it would be
best fit for me and the kiddos, And it was
the best revamping that the whole energy of the house.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Yes, so I actually ended up moving into a different place,
so I didn't stay in the house that we were
married in. But immediately I have girly ties. I don't
know what the word is for. That made my house
very feminine. There's lots of flowers, there's lots of pink,
and I just was like, I want to come home
and I want to feel like happy to be in
(02:44):
a space. I want to have a reading book, I
want this, And it was like any dream I had
in my head. I was like, I'm going to make
it happen. And it's funny because I have a son.
I have a three year old son, so it's not just.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
A girl house.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
I like to say it's girl house, but there's a
boy room in the house. And he had to love
the pink room and everything. You know, he's young, so
he thinks it's lots of fun. But other than that,
I've just really embraced my style, learning about it, doing
fun things that you normally wouldn't do in a house
that would be like a marital home. So yeah, just
(03:15):
kind of exploring, trying things that I never would have
probably put in a house that I knew, you know,
having a grown man live in, I would never do that.
So I experimented a lot and added a lot of
things that made it feel like I would be happy
to come home to or relax in and it was
kind of my safe space.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So yeah, no, for sure, I love that. What is
something that you've learned about yourself through the is divorce
now or because you said separated at one point, so
is it? Are you still through the process or so?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Yeah, our process has taken a while in September of
twenty twenty four, so we're going on over a year
of the separation process. So yeah, it should be ending.
But through that process I did learn a lot. In
the beginning. One of the best things that I learned
(04:08):
was I was having a lot of self blame. I
was the one that initiated the divorce. We have a kid,
and so I put a lot of that shame onto
myself and I immediately got in therapy, which is the
best thing anyone can do going through the situation. And
what I learned there was to have empathy for myself
and that to ask myself what did I not know
(04:29):
or what skills did I not have coming into the
marriage that now I can have now that I can
learn and work on, which helped me empathize with myself.
And then once I broke through the being down blaming myself,
then I hit this phase where I was like, look
at all this time I have now that I was
investing in another person, in trying to save a marriage
(04:54):
that wasn't working. All this time that I have, you know,
I've already spent a lot of time with my kid.
What can I do with this time? And I put
it back into myself and that was a big unlock.
I started learning so much about myself, experiencing so many
different things, and I started a fitness journey and I started,
you know, just like doing things I never would have tried,
(05:16):
and I learned a lot about who I was. So
there's definitely a lot that you'll you'll have so many
phases after separation, but the best phase is when you're
willing to be a little more selfish and willing to
reinvest that time back into yourself because it's really going
to help you also protect your peace through that time.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And it's rediscovering yourself too, and like, what what do
you want? You know, what do you want to be
doing right now? And you know, I love that And
that's one of my favorite pieces of my divorce too,
was going to therapy and having that healing journey and
truly figuring out, you know who I am and what
(05:56):
I want and what I want for the future. And
have you started dating or do you have to wait
until after the separation.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
I did start dating. Yeah, and my ex is dating
as well.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Okay, great.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Yeah, dating is like it feels like a rodeo when
you've been in a marriage for a while, you haven't
dated in a long time, and it feels like so
uncomfortable at first, because I know at the beginning, I
was putting so much pressure on it and I felt
like I couldn't mess up in the dating process. I
(06:29):
had to be so careful. I was so highly critical
and I approached it and I wasn't having any fun.
It was like it was I was like, why am
I doing this to myself? And also I just had
to learn what is dating again? Because I've been playing wife,
I've been playing mom and like to shift into almost
(06:50):
feeling like a teenager again or young again and dating.
It's a weird thing. But yeah, I have started dating again.
I do have a boyfriend actually, eh outing last year,
and you know, there's a lot of duds out there.
There's a lot of people that you're not gonna mesh with,
but yeah, there is potential to find someone out there.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Yeah, and I always tell my divorce friends too, and
this is something that someone told me when I was
you know, dating, it's all gathering information. So it's like
the next the first person that you go ot with
most likely isn't going to be the one that you marry,
and then one after that it's probably not going to
be the one too. But each one you gather information
about what you like, whatch you don't like, and then
within it then you start molding like Okay, I don't
(07:35):
like that. Okay, we're done. That's I'm not going to
continue on with trying to put you in this puzzle
piece that you're not going to ever fit in. And
you know, I think there's so much that you learn
about yourself through that process too, like, oh yeah, I
don't know how I was attracted to that back in
the day, but I'm definitely not now and that's not
the type. Okay, we're going to move this way now.
(07:55):
And it's just like every every date, every time you
meet someone, it's just the information and how do you feel.
You know, at the end of the night, you know,
you just keep one on other date? Cool? If not,
you'll know, you know, I was new second date, like
I'd maybe like I'll give you like one more date. Yeah,
and it's like new.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Love that did you ever struggle with? I had a
big click through my dating process that I felt like
I was being interviewed and I had to show, okay everything.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
So my therapist told me the best tip I ever
got and she goes, Janna and because it was this
guy that I was kind of hung up on that
I was dating, and she goes, would you please stop
putting yourself on trial? She's like, you are the judge.
They are on trial. She's like, you are being like
am I Am I good enough? Am I this? It's
She's like no, She's like are they good enough? Do
(08:46):
they fit your pieces? Do they you know, fit the
box of this, that and the other. She's like, you
are the judge. You are putting them on trial. You're
not on trial. And I was like, okay, I love that.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Great when I locked that that like, I'm not the
one being interviewed in a way, I'm interviewing them. Do
I want my life? And hostly, if I do want
them in my life, they'll want that back. But you
can't control that.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
No, But I think that comes a lot to the
piece for me, Like I was always like I my
core wound was like I'm not good enough, so I
want them to choose me. And I had to flip
that script when I got divorced to go, no, I
choose myself and I'm going to choose them, like they
don't they get they get to you know, like love
me if I choose them? You know, yes?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
And I think that ties back into the being more selfish.
You truly love yourself and you know what you bring
you're not. You come into these situations and you think,
what what can you add to my life? Because you're
not going to add chaos to the piece you've just created.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
You're not going to.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Add something into your life that's going to destroy what
the bubble you've created for yourself. So the self love,
the selfishness, it unlocked a lot for me in dating,
and I could tell the quality of men that I
was dating and encountering was just continuing to increase as
I continued to love myself more.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, and I will say if you if because I
saw this, if you after divorces, if you're dating kind
of the same men, you still have to do the
work on yourself, because yes, there's something Anya that's wanting, uh,
that hasn't healed yet if you're going to if you're
still attracting that same type of person.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Yes, that is so funny that you say that the
people I dated prior to my marriage nothing like the
people that I have dated posts marriage. It's very interesting
the differences. Back in the day, I was dating a
lot of blue collar, very like manly men, you know,
the stereotypes. And now I have found you know, I
(10:50):
work my own stay at home, or I work a
remote job, I work in corporate, and I actually do
better with men who also work in corporate or work
jobs very similar who can talk to me about work.
I love that type of banter. So it was very interesting.
And also a lot of my old dating preferences relied
(11:11):
on unhealed wounds of things that I had encountered in
my childhood and therapy. Before marriage, I thought, you know,
therapy is for people who really need help. So not true,
So not true. Now I am such a huge therapy
advocate and it really does help in the dating process
to have someone to talk to.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Yeah, one hundred percent agree. Where can our listeners find you?
You're a sweetheart.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Yes TikToker Instagram, Facebook as well, Sheila M. Harrington, I
would love if you gave me a follow. It's a
girl party on my page, celebrate.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I love it being single again, Barbie World, Let's do this. Okay,
thanks girl, great chatting?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Yes, thank you?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
All right by Henny. Next up, we've got Melinda Long.
I'm here, Hey Melinda. I was watching your video and
it's it was so timely because I was making an
(12:18):
album of my daughter because she's about to turn ten,
and I was watching some old videos when I was
still married to max husband, and I'm watching these videos
and I'm like, how was I married to him? And
I'm like who who is he? And then I'm like
and then I'm watching her Instagram and I was like
I literally just had that same feeling of but like
(12:42):
we have two kids together and and like how And
I'm watching these videos and I'm like, wait that we
live together and that was my husband.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Sometimes I'll be at a game and my ex will
walk in and I'm like, oh I know. I'm oh,
wait that was married to him, Like you genuinely have
this this this weird like fe I just never expected
to feel that way in the midst of everything, and
now I'm like, this is somebody I slept in bed
with every night and I told my deepest, darkest secrets
and there are strangers sitting over there, and I don't
even even feel much of anything, you.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Know, I know. And that's the craziest piece, because like
the same when I see him at a volleyball game
or whatever, when he comes over, I'm just like, I mean,
there's this zero feeling and I'm like hot, how like
we have two kids and we were married for these
many years.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
And but I also look and I think to myself,
like I terrible to say, what was I thinking?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Yeah, totally I'm not attracted to him.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Yeah, like is everybody else in the room thinking the
same thing? I Am like, what were you do?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
You know?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
And it's just like still a little I said it,
this little ick factor. I'm sure he has the same feelings.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
For me, totally. I'm sure my laugh and my voice
and my like the heck out of him, you know.
But I mean my husband now, yeah, he's like I
don't ever see guys together. I was like, no, same, Like,
I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
But I also am thankful for that because could you
imagine if you still had those feelings like when you
saw the person like that, you had this longing still
or this like I still wish I don't have, so
maybe I'm really thankful that that didn't happen to me.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
That's where I always go to when they say like,
I'll always love you, and I'm like, but will you?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Because I mean, it's okay, we have we have love
for our kids, like I think. I think the only
thing is like I'm always thankful for that moment because
of the three blessings that I have from it, and
I know I gave it my own. I know it
was a space. So we'll be able to move past
that and thank goodness, I don't still have that longing.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Like, yeah, I always still gonna love me.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
So you were married for twenty years, right, okay, And
so I think my mom really struggled because she I
believe she was married to my dad a little over
fifteen years, and I remember that being the thing for
her that was I might have even been funny, gosh,
I can't remember now, but yeah, no, it was definitely long.
Oh no, it was twenty plus. Yeah, where she was
(14:56):
just like I don't know anything different, you know, and
I don't don't even know who I am because I
dated him when I was so young, like in my
early twenties nineteen, you know, and so.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
You know that is your identity.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Yeah, Like she was just like even changing. She's like,
I've been a Kramer longer than I was a Kaufman.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
You know.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Now you walked, I would say that was the hardest
part is accepting that that it's no longer my identity.
I'm no longer a wife, We're no longer that picture
perfect happy family that we put out there, you know,
you put this image out there. And also you know,
for my kids where this it is a process. I
should share that along the way, I lost one hundred
(15:38):
and twenty pounds before I got file for divorce. So
I had this kind of giant life shift of my
appearance at the same time as my marriage falling apart,
which I thought it would have brought us together, but
it brought us apart.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Did you get fit to try to keep him? Is
that was that the no?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
I got I got fit after COVID, I got fit
after losing my father. I got fit after realizing that
my health was really taking a toll and I need
to be here for a long time. But perhaps in
that journey, I also started to realize that maybe some
of the food and some of that was a mask
for other issues that were going on, and maybe gave
(16:14):
me a little more confidence to do what to finally
file for divorce. Actually I filed for divorce twice. I
went through the second time. I dropped it the first time.
But that change was the thing I was most scared of.
That was the hardest part. I really didn't have an identity.
Everything was wrapped up in my life, my family, and
my kids were getting older. I have two in college
(16:34):
and one in high school now. So that's been the
biggest struggle, and I think that a lot of sleep
lost in it, but also a lot of growth, a
lot of personal growth, and a lot of finding myself.
I've really taken to fitness. I've always loved to cook.
I still love to cook. I've been able to travel
a little bit more, and honestly, I've connected with my
(16:54):
kids in a whole different way that I did was
possible back in the middle of the divorce. They respect
me more. I think now, watching my own personal journey
and me doing what was right and what was right
for our family. But one hundred percent think that that
is the scariest part, and I think that helped me back.
It's the reason that I dropped the first time of divorce.
(17:15):
It's that fear.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Well, and because what age were you when you finally filed?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
I'm forty nine now would it be fifty this year?
I guess I was forty six when I filed.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Forty six, Yeah, and that's a that's a tough age
to go. Okay, you know, what is this? What does
this look like? But there's also gosh, I know so
many women that have had such beautiful Like my one
girlfriend's fifteen, just got married, you know what I mean,
Like she's the happiest she's ever been. So it's like,
don't stay because you're afraid to not be with someone
(17:47):
for the next part of your life, because we have
so if you think about it, you have another at
least forty years, you know, that's a lot of life.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Yeah, And there's and there's love out there. I mean
I've had love at the second time around. There is
love out there, and it's different, and you know, I
just don't think I realized that that was a possibility
that to feel a certain fulfillment and to have a
connection with somebody that's like that, it is possible and
it is real. I think I settled for what I
(18:17):
thought was real because in my twenties, I was supposed
to get married, and I was supposed to have kids,
and I was supposed to live a certain life.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
And while I.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Certainly did love my husband, it wasn't the connection that
I found later on, or that I realized exists. And
life gets in front of you.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
But you're right.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I'm forty nine, I'm going to be fifty this year.
There's a lot of life left. And I certainly, in
no way, shape or form, wanted to get divorced, nor
did I picture myself ever here in a million years.
But now that I'm here, I'm not disappointed with the
life that I'm living, and I'm realizing that there's so
much more to live. And yes, there is love, second
time around, third time around, whatever it might be for everybody.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Have you found that love?
Speaker 3 (18:56):
I have? I have?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Oh, look at you? Did you find that love? Where
did you find it?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Companionship through a friend who was going through the same
as myself. He's awesome, my personal trainer. So it's very cliche.
Oh hey girl, but friendship, companionship, going through the same thing,
feeling at the same age.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
What do you think the craziest part of divorce that
no one talks about?
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Literally how you can feel this tremendous immense hatred, bitterness,
all this and then two years later and you're looking like,
what was I so afraid of? Yes, why was this
so scary? What was I It's really the what was
I thinking? There's so much more to life, and there's
there's I'm not wearing a scarlet letter. I thought I
was wearing a scarlet letter and that's shame. That was
(19:42):
the biggest shot for me.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
My therapist would always say, what's the worst thing, Like,
what is your biggest fear? If you get divorced? And
I'm like, well, and then I'm alone, and she goes
and then what, well, then you know no one loved me.
And then she's like okay, and then what you know
and she's just like but then we go to the positive.
It's like, your kids are good and you're okay, and
so it's the worst thing that can happen is really
(20:05):
not the kids is the other.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Big piece, I think, especially for women, I don't want
to say not for men, but especially for women. As mothers,
we want to be the perfect mom and we want
to get this perfect family, and we want to give
them this marriage that they can look up to. And
I felt a real responsibility to make that work for
my kids. And I laugh now because my kids look
at me like, who were you fooling? We knew it
(20:26):
wasn't good and we couldn't wait for it to be over,
but in the moment, you really feel a responsibility, and
that was the biggest hurdle. I think that was really
the reason I struggled to go to the next level.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So do you think your advice for someone getting divorced
now is just, I mean, give it some time, like
because you're not going to have that same anger in
a couple of years.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
You have to, yes, give it time, because everything is temporary.
You have to know in your heart that you gave
it your all, that you tried everything, that you didn't
walk away in a fight, that you didn't walk away
for your own selfish reasons, that you really gave it all.
And once you know you've done that, you have to
stick to your guns and know that you have to
(21:14):
do better for yourself or your family, for your children,
and ride it through because there's it's not going to
fix itself. If you've given it all, it's it's just
not going to fix itself.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Yep, agree with you one hundred percent on that. I
always said I walk away when I know that I
did everything that I could to try to stay, that
leaving is the only option I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
And then then then I got mad at myself that
I stayed that long. But at least I can say, Okay,
I did, I did every step I could.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
I feel confident that I did everything I could. Now
I'm in the stage of a couple of years later
of forgiving myself for allowing myself to go through things
I shouldn't have been, letting my kids see things they
shouldn't have. So now I'm in that forgiveness stage. But
I'd rather have that knowing that I didn't walk away
without giving it my all.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah. Forgiving yourself is uh, it was harder than forgiving them,
is what my journey was.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I agree. I'm feeling that a bit now, you know,
coming up on this fiftieth year and in a new relationship,
I really have to work on that piece because if
you carry those pieces into your future relationships and into
your family and being the good role model, I really
have to work on that healing journey. So that's the
part that I'm finding comes a little bit later. But
I'm thankful for that journey because I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Sort of Linda. How can we follow along in that journey?
Where can our listeners find you?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
I know I don't stop talking.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
I apologize, but I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I'm on Instagram. My Instagram handle is gritten Glow Underscore
by mel I share my health, my fitness, my divorce journey,
and my completely chaotic life with my with my kids.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So thank you love it so much. Well, thank you
for joining I do part two and we look forward
to watching your journey.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Right, so nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Thank by Honey Seya. And last up we've got Ashley. Hi,
hey girl, Well you look beautiful for being pulled over
on the side of the road just leaving court with
your exta girl. We caught you in a time.
Speaker 4 (23:13):
Oh my gosh, the worst time but the best time
also because you know, the life could not be better
on this side of things.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Okay, So I was watching her Instagram, which I love,
and but one of the things, the tip that you
were giving about the phone number, I had no idea
that was even it. Why would he want your number?
I was so confused. Can you just like tell the
listeners like a little and is this why you were
in court? I was just I'm so confused. I'm like, please,
I need to understand this, Like, this is her phone number?
Speaker 4 (23:41):
What? So I've had this phone number since I was
fifteen sixteen, like twenty years. It's a pre marital asset.
But when we got married, my dad released the number
two you know, for us to join accounts, right, and
so yeah, he paid for the phone number. He had
the phone number, but it's still my phone number that
(24:01):
I used with both of my businesses. It's the emergency
contact at my son's school, Arsun School. And he basically
told me in June that I needed to get my
own line. So I did that. I created my own account.
Apparently he is now claiming that that was fraudulent. So
T Mobile granted him the phone number back to his account,
(24:21):
even though I was paying my own bill for three months.
I was paying my own bill on my own T
Mobile account, and so he has had control over my
phone number since September hasn't turned it off. I'm still
able to use this phone number. But yeah, so ended
up having to take him to court because he won't
release the line to me even though it is premarital,
(24:43):
it's attached to my businesses, which he relinquished his rights to.
So we're just waiting, honestly, for the judge to come
down with her judgment whether or not I can keep
it or not.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
What was the sense from the judge? Were you feeling
hopeful or was she giving you.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
I'm optimistic because she just kept looking at him like
are you because she kept asking him why do you
want the phone number? And he couldn't give a reason.
He's like, it's my property. That's the only reason why
he you know, he is claiming that this is his
phone number, it's my property. Honestly, he's probably just going
to turn it off the minute he gets it back,
so he doesn't really want it for a purpose. So
I'm hoping that she kind of takes that into consideration,
(25:20):
that this is livelihood versus just being vindictive and petty.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So, I mean, can we say yay, you're not married
to him anymore?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Yo?
Speaker 4 (25:30):
My lawyer today was like, I can't believe you were
married to him. She's like he is he is slimy,
he is like even during mediation when we went through
our divorce mediation, the initial offer that we put on
the table at ten thirty am is the offer that
he ended up accepting at six thirty pm. But he
pushed it out so that way we would have to
(25:50):
pay that whole time. I mean, we ended up we
were in mediation for yeah, over ten hours.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Isn't that hard to like? You know, I felt that
same thing where it's like, why was my judgment or
how is my judgment? How was I so fooled there?
It's to allow this to happen and then stay in
it and be with someone like that.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
And I wasn't even the one who filed for divorce.
He filed for divorce from me when I was actually
I was in California with our son, visiting family in
Santa Barbara for my step uh my stepmom's dad's birthday.
I came back, he had packed his stuff, moved out,
brought me out in front of the ring camera, so
he had it documented that he was leaving me, that
(26:36):
he had filed for divorce, that we were going to
be doing two two three custody and I should be
getting served any day now. Did he have a reason
we had Nope. We had no conversation. He never sat
me down. He just filed and left. And then about
six weeks later he wanted to reconcile, and I was like,
you know what, I've been asking for therapy for six years,
(26:58):
Let's try going to therapy if you're putting it on
the table. Now now that it's his idea, We're going
to go to therapy. And we did therapy for about
six weeks and I just had a gut feeling that
I can't do this for the rest of my life.
This is not going to work. And then a week
later I received our financial affidavit and found that he
was hiding money from me. Meanwhile, I'm working three jobs
(27:21):
trying to keep us afloat. He chose not to work
for years, and that money could have literally saved saved us,
saved me so much stress, and I it was like boom,
boom boom. I knew I was done at that point
because this was the final betrayal, This was the final
thing that the nail in the coffin essentially.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Mm hmm. So how does how do you now walk
through everything that you know? Because you seem like a
very strong, put together woman. Are you letting the what
you know to be the truth statements come in your
head or are you like, where are you at in that?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
I know the truth? I know my truth. I know
that I did everything in my power. I had been
asking for therapy for years. I had addressed, you know,
issues that I you know, I went to therapy by
myself because at one point, I really he had me
convinced that I was the problem. I went to therapy
by myself and he would never come to join, even
though my therapist was like, we would love to have
(28:21):
him bring his perspective to the table so that way
we were not like just saying that you're you know,
he's doing these things. And I never wanted it to
be like a he he he. It was. It's mutual, right,
A marriage is mutual. I know that I'm not a
perfect person. I know that he's not a perfect person.
But the fact that he would never meet me at
the table to get help, you know, that is the
truth that I hold on to, that I tried for years,
(28:43):
that I did everything in my power to try and
make this work, and then just to have him essentially
walk out two weeks before Christmas and with no no conversation,
no discussion, no nothing, and then just continuously being vindictive
at every turn. I mean, the phone number is just
(29:05):
like the tip of the iceberg of just you know,
the behavior that is being exhibited and you know, trying
to be a productive co parent. He wanted the divorce.
You know, you don't really hear about too many women
paying child support. I pay him child support.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
I pay sixty percent.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
I pay sixty percent of our child's expenses, even though
we have fifty to fifty custody.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
You know.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
The fact that I'm giving, giving, giving, and he's consistently
still wanting to take, take, take, It's hurtful. And this
taking of my phone number, the only person that really
hurts is our son. Because if I lose the ability
to make money, like if people can't reach my business,
what does that do to our son? This is the
(29:49):
only phone number that he has memorized. What does that
do if he's in an emergency situation. He's not gonna
automatically remember a new number. You know, thankfully he has
his number memorized. But I think that that's the whole point, right,
He's like, I want to be the primary parent, I
want to be the primary contact. And it's like, but
you just started showing up now that we're divorced.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Yeah, And it's that feeling of someone taking, Like I
get that. That's how I felt in my entire last marriage,
is just always wanting to take, take, take, And you know,
I think there's going to be a place I've and
I through therapy, I was able to let that anger
go in time.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Like.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
It still comes up a few times, but mostly I've
been able to keep that anger at bay, just because
you know, there's nothing I can do about it. I
can either stay angry or I can just go. This
is unfortunately the way of the courts at the moment,
and this is who he is and I can't change that.
(30:46):
I'm not going to be like, hey, can you take
care of the kids since you only have them eight
days a month? You know, and do I do I
have to pay you this pop amount for you know?
But it's he'll never get my point. He doesn't see
it as taking. He sees it as well, it's just
the way the court.
Speaker 4 (30:59):
You know, the way the cookie crumbles, and yeah, and
I hold no resentment, right, I'm like, you gave me
my son, you gave me like the person that I
love the most in my life. You know, I'm in
a new relationship that is that makes me extremely happy.
I see. I don't I never reminisce, and I don't
live in the past. I really, like I said, I
(31:20):
don't hold resentment. The only things that I hold are like,
what is the purpose of this? Why are we behaving
this way? Why are you treating me this way when
this is exactly what you wanted. You wanted this divorce,
you asked for it. All I did was follow through
with it. You know, he I think he has deep regret.
I think he thought that he was going to file
(31:41):
for divorce and that I was going to be like, no,
please don't leave me, like I needed that. But it's
like I was already primary parent, I was already the
breadwinner of the family. I was already doing my own thing.
I lost during the last three years of our marriage.
I lost one hundred and ten pounds, got plastic surgery,
really got my health back on track, and there was
really just there was no there was no tether, there
(32:04):
was no codependence, there was no, there was none of that.
And so you know, when I started posting, I hesitated
posting on social media about my divorce because I was like,
you know, it's really nobody's business. But then when this
whole phone number thing happened, I was like, but what
if other women don't know? What if they don't know
(32:26):
to ask or their phone number. What if they don't
know that they can put this in their parenting plan
that they can bring it to the table. What if
they don't know? I feel like, you know, we talk
about a village all the time when it comes to
our kids, but what about our village together of like
making sure that we all stay good? And that is
why I like started feeling more comfortable talking about here
(32:48):
are things that I wish I had done. Here are
things that I you know, I regret. Here is you
know what what could come next for you? But I
also want to free women from the thought. I had
a video that is getting a lot of attention right
now about how many women I saw on TikTok the
day after Christmas with nothing in their stalking, nothing under
(33:09):
the tree. And I'm like, so he places no value
on you, He doesn't He can't even take an hour
of time to find something that you would love, to
make sure that you felt important on a day in
which that you made everyone else feel important. Divorce him.
It's not going to change. He doesn't hold he doesn't
hold you in regard. He doesn't hold you, you know,
(33:31):
in anything. And the amount of men in the comments
of that video stating well he paid for Christmas, he's
the one who works.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
I can say that's actually not true because in my
last marriage, my stocking was never full and I had
I paid for Christmas, and I'll say my husband, now
my stocking overfills, and I'm like, it's the cutest thing ever.
And I'm like, oh no, it's fine. It's like, no,
he makes it like Santa put the things in the stock,
you know. So I've never been spoiled like that ever,
(34:03):
you know So it's I hear you.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
I'm eighty percent of us household women work, women contribute
to the household in addition to the unpaid labor of
being a mother.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Absolutely, Well, I'm excited to see where this whole phone
number thing goes. I want. I've got a good feeling.
Are you going to update us on your social media?
Speaker 4 (34:23):
Yes? I will I definitely will keep you guys posto.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Okay, what's your what's your Instagram again for our listeners
to follow along.
Speaker 4 (34:29):
It's at bostdence boss F I, D E n C.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Okay, great, Ashley, You're drive safe because I know you're
driving right now, so dodrive safe.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
I'm excited for you. I'm excited for your part two.
And it sounds like this was the destiny to have
this part two because you got a beautiful child out
of it, and that's usually what the only redeeming factor
of being with these people are.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Okay, one hundred percent, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Thanks girl, have a good one. Well, thank you ladies
for coming on and sharing all that great advice. Do
you have breakup or divorce tips you want to share
and need some more advice from our crew, We'll call
or email us. All the info is in the show notes.
Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where
falling in love is the main objective.
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