August 18, 2026 • 40 mins
How far can "yes" take you before it stops feeling like freedom? Comedian Kenice Mobley grew up on rom-coms where a woman flies to Europe, accepts an invitation from a man with high cheekbones, and gets a whole new life. So when a flirt in Paris turns into an invitation, Kenice follows it... straight into an underground world that asks her to keep saying "yes". She does, right up until she hits the edge of it: the line between freedom and fantasy.
Follow Kenice at @kenicemobley and get tickets to her show, "Hot Guy Draft" on August 23rd, 2026 at Littlefield in Brooklyn.
Follow @solita_travels for bonus content and subscribe on Substack for Julie's big 3 takeaways from each episode.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
So we go into this room. It's dark, we're making out, uh,
there aren't too many people around, and then we're having
sex and I will say that your due lingo is
not going to come back to you when a man
is inside of you.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
So we are mid sex when someone taps on his
shoulder and starts speaking in rapid French and I'm like yeah,
and my date was like, oh, they would like to
join us, and I was like, okay, I know, canisee.
(00:44):
This this is a trip about saying yes, but no, no,
I'm not going to d that.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
This is Solita stories of what really happens when you
try alone, the beautiful, the messy, and the moments where
you say yes and surprise yourself. I'm your host, Julie Pinero.
Before any of us packed a bag alone, we learned
what solo travel was supposed to look like from the movies.
(01:18):
And there's a whole genre of movie where an American
woman gets on a plane, lands somewhere in Europe and
becomes a completely different person. She wears linen, she eats
her food slowly, and a man with cheekbones finds her interesting.
She says yes to that man. She gets on the
back of his vespa. She doesn't ask where they're going,
(01:41):
but she always ends up better than how she arrived.
Those movies had a choke hold on a generation of women,
including Canis Mobley, my guest today. Canise got on the
back of a vespa. She went to Paris, and she
wound up in a place those movies wouldn't have dared
to go, and the fantasy she'd been chasing since she
(02:03):
was a teenager finally cracked. Canis Mobley is an American
stand up comedian and filmmaker. You've seen her on The
Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, and you can catch her
comedy show The Hot Guy Draft at Littlefield Theater in Brooklyn,
New York. Canise, thank you for being on Solita.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I know that everyone's got an origin story to solo travel.
What is yours?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I had been traveling with my mom and we got
in several disagreements, and at a certain point I started
booking a trip after my trip with my mom because
I was like, I need a vacation after that experience.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Yeah, And what were these disagreements over? Was it like
where are we going to eat? Do we have the
same energy level right now where.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
We stay thing.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
So where we were going to stay, I always was
tasked with because I paid for it, I would be
taxed with handling all that. So I would book Airbnbs
and then my mom would complain about the airbnbs and
I'm like, if you want to pick something different, you
know what you can do. You can actually play a
role in establishing that. And if she's listening, I love
you. You're such a nice person. You are strong, you are kind.
(03:17):
But when it was tasked to me and it'd be like,
what are we doing every second of every day? And
it's like, well, what do you want to do instead
of just like, well, I expected that you were my
tour guide in this and that you were my event organizer,
and so we got in disagreements about that. The biggest
one we got in was because I went on a
date when we were in Barcelona and the date went
(03:40):
very well and I went home with the guy okay,
and she was like, you didn't give me enough information,
so I thought that you would been kidnapped. So when
I got up in the morning, I looked at my
phone and it was like twenty miss calls. Oh lots
of messages saying things like, hey, when I figure out
(04:01):
how to call the police in this country, we're coming
for you.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
That's a really delayed emergency call.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
But she was like, wait, maybe the kidnappers have the phone,
so tell me something only you would know.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
So I know the kidnappers don't have the phone.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And so we went through lots of back and forth
about that in.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
The moment right there while you're exiting.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
This yeah or not until I re entered the airbnb,
and she was like, I was losing my mind over
how you were and what was going on with you
and I haven't slept a wink. And I was like,
I didn't put it for fun reasons, but yeah, sure,
let's have this fight right now.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And what was the first solo trip off of one
of those trips that you took.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
So truly right after that, I went to Athens and
then from there went to Paris.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I'm curious when you started solo traveling, what were your
expectations for yourself?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
So my expectations were definitely made on movies like Under
the Tuscan Sun. Oh yeah, where she is in a
white dress, she is walking powerfully and a handsome rich
man decides, Hi, Yes, we can go out for a while.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
That sounds nice.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Oh god, this movie it.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Had a choke hold holling a lot of people same.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Do you feel slightly unsatisfied with the way that life
is going where you live?
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Try Europe.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Oh, that was definitely the message that was put to me.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Mass PSA for Europe.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Yes, Ceiling Beauty.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I think it's a Bertolucci film from the late nineties
with liv Tyler where she goes to an Italian villa
and there's romance there. It's a great movie. That definitely
was like, Oh, you're gonna go. You of course will
meet someone interesting. They will sweep you off your feet
and do all the work of everything I guess, and
(06:01):
then you will go back to the US with this
deep experience, this meaningful moment. You'll be better, more interesting,
a more compelling version of the youth that exists right now.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
But it's not all about what they do to you,
right It's a bit about your own outlook.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Yeah, you have to say yes to things.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
You have to say yes.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You have to be willing and open to like try
new things and hop on the back of a vespa
and just.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Go who knows where he's taking you.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Yeah, I don't you have to say yes, fingers Crossy's
not kidnapping you. A lot of these movies came out
before Taken.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, yeah, and I think the vibe was definitely changed
by that, although that probably speaks to Americans being like,
I will absolutely go to Western Europe, Eastern Europe.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
That's where they kidnap and murder you.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That's a thing that happened in broke Down Palace, So like,
don't go to Asia if you're clear Danes, but outside
of that, you're probably fine.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Can you describe an early travel moment yourself where you
said yes and you surprised yourself.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
So the first time when I was absolutely by myself
was in London and I looked around.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
I speak English. I was like, I can handle this.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
And I went on a date with a guy he
recently had moved there from I want to say Turkey,
and he was giving me the sights and telling me
about what London was about. And it was weird because
there was absolutely no chemistry and all the movies there's chemistry.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Oh yeah, but.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
They don't tell you that.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
You can just like go to lots of tourist locations
with a man and never want to kiss him or
touch him or see him again. And so it was like,
thanks random guy for showing me around.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
What are you thinking when you're walking away from an
interaction like that, Because at the end of the day,
really it is nothing lost, right, It's.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Nothing lost at all. I got a free guided tour
around that place. But I was like, and this sounds
so much like something someone might say on an in
cell podcast. I was like, we aren't even not even kissing.
We're not even gonna bone a little bit.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
I spend all my money on this, Yeah, get an
awkward kiss.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I didn't want to have sex with him, but I
was like, I feel like I'm supposed to have sex
with people I'm traveling. I'm a young American woman. Aren't
they supposed to be hoeing it up instead of just
learning about a place.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
There's something about the anonymity of being away and being
like I could be whatever I want, I could be
whoever I want.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I could be a hoe because I'm not really a
hoe in my everyday life, but I was like, I
could be a hoe in Europe.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
What do you feel like you're getting with dating while
you're traveling that you're not getting at home.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
Part of this I will answer with a dating story
that I had at home, but it was the guy
was traveling, so he was in Australia.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
I mean, he still is.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
He's an Australian guy and he was traveling to the US,
and so all of the little quirks, I was just like,
he's Australian. Every time he said something where I was like, Oh,
you don't really have an understanding of like the racial
dynamics that exist in America. As a white Australian, I
don't have to think about your place in that and
(09:23):
your complicity in the overarching system that affects me.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
You're Australian, that's different.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So it's easy.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, it's like I don't have to question, like, does
what you're saying mean the oppression of me or the
taking away of my rights? That's Australia's problem. That's that's
over there for them. That's not right. I'm not hurting
anyone by sleeping with this person and potentially encouraging this
behavior by rewarding it with sex. I'm I'm free of
(09:51):
any guilt here. I'm like on a dating app, conservative
no moderate. That's just conservative by another name. No, so
all of your pictures are with white people. There's more
than just white people in our area. No, So it's
just like lots of things make me say no here.
If it's in another country or someone from another country,
I'm just more likely to be like, Eh, maybe there's
(10:13):
a reason I don't totally understand.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
It's not skin off my back. Yeah, I don't have
to introduce this man to my mom.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, it makes so much sense. So let's talk about
saying yes while you're dating a broadcast, because we are
talking about this sort of mentality of the what's the
name of the main character in Tuscan Son.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Should I should remember?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Outside of Tuscan Sun Lady, the actor's name is Dian Lane.
But Diane Lane represents like, in your forties you should
be having new and exciting sexual experiences. And so yes,
I was her and she was me. I wanted to
be like that. I decided that is what being in
your forties will be like.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Obviously, I want to talk about sort of the nuts
and bolts of this because I think it's a really
interesting premise to date while you're traveling. Yes, And I
think a lot of people don't quite know how to
get into it. So how are you meeting people and
what are your screening tactics.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
So I think some people in their daily lives in
the city that they live in go to bars and
talk to people and create dates like that.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
I want to be that person.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
I want to be a person who like, oh, casually
at a party, oh who, and then we make connections
and then we schedule a date and people are just
like knocking down my door to take me on dinners
that they pay for. That's what I would like. But
most of my dating has been through the apps, and
so I'm very used to screening people through the apps.
So when I travel, it becomes like, oh, this is
(11:41):
an extension of the app based dating that I do
in New York, I will do that in another country.
I look for people who are way too quick to
let's us x, I'll pick you up where you're staying.
I say no to those I'm usually kind of bored
with let's just meet at a bar, because it's like
I traveled around the world to just go to this bar.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Y Like, that's not great.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
So I think my favorite dates in other countries are hey, oh,
you're you're new in town. You've got to see this
thing that I might not have heard of otherwise. Or
they're doing a special thing at this museum that you
were going to visit, and I'm like, oh, okay, this
guy he's in the No, he's cool.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
It's also like you're easily wowable. You know, you get
to this place and you're like, show me something that's interesting.
I might be mundane to.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
You, fair because in New York, Oh, it would be
hard to wow me.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
I admit that.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I'm like, damn, I sound jaded as hell, and it's
probably true because yeah, in New York, I'd be like,
of course I've been there.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yeah, I've been there. I've been I've been all the places.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Like I've got a bad date if you want to
take me there.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, no offense to anyone who I've been on a
date with to the Brooklyn Museum, because I live near
the Brooklyn Museum. I've gone on so many dates there.
I've looked at the Last Supper, the all all that stuff.
I've looked at it on dates, discuss discuss my feelings.
Oh use it as a springboard to understand their feelings
about the feminist movement.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
We've gotten into.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
It and you're on apps. Are you starting to swipe
when you're in the country.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Oh, swipe, I start swiping before and.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
You're setting updates before you get there. Yes, brilliant. How
do you stay safe and signal the things about yourself
that you want to attract in the right people.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Most of the solo traveling that I've done is in
my thirties, so I'm not young, and people are very
predatory towards young women in a way that I feel
it's maybe it's silly, but I'm like, yeah, I've aged
out of being in threat all the time. Yeah, I'm
more so worry about people being like why are you here,
old lady? Like who let her into this store? So
(13:45):
my concerns are a little bit different. But I also
I like, take a picture of their profile, okay, and
I'll send their profile and their phone number, usually to
a friend who's not in the country with me, or
sometimes with like if I'm traveling with friends, I will
send yeah phone number, like WhatsApp connection, here's their dating site.
(14:06):
And for one guy, I was like, send me a
picture of your idy, Like I need a picture of
your ID just in case, just because I might make
a mistake, but I want the authorities to be able
to haunt you down.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So when you are out in your solo traveling, how
do you get out of a date that feels uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
I have to do something, So I will say at
the beginning of the date, I'm meeting up with a
friend later, and sure the time may get flexible if
I'm having a nice time and suddenly, you know what,
I can skip that date. But making sure that they
hear that someone will be looking for me if I
just don't show up, So like if you want to
follow me home and murder me later, but like right now,
someone's looking for me.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
So just knowing that they know that there are people accountable. Yes,
after the break a fling in Paris that changes everything
about the way Canise says, yes, okay, So we talked
(15:07):
about things that could go or have gone hardly rong.
What about your favorite travel romances, travel sexual freedom stories?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Yes, absolutely so.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
I did go on a day in Paris and we
matched online. We met at a site that I was
already interested in seeing, which is Le Sentra Pompado in Paris,
and we were walking around the museum and he showed
genuine interest in the art. I love museums. I go
to museums in any city that I go to. So
we were discussing different styles of art that were present
(15:39):
in this museum. We're talking about the furniture. We're watching
one of those video installations where it's all dark in
a room and we're sitting next to each other and
our like arms are kind of touching a little bit,
and so we're talking about our and our experiences with
it and really basking in the glow of this video
and it's like, uh, oh, let's get a half the
Oh my gosh. As are walking out, we are looking
(16:01):
at I remember this very specifically. It was a furniture
exhibit and We're looking at these different types of chairs
and I'm like, oh, I like this one for this reason,
that one for this other reason. And he stands behind
me and I can feel his breath on my neck
in this really nice way, and I was like, Oh,
it's going down, like something's going on. There's chemistry here, okay,
And then we go and we walk outside. It is
(16:24):
I want to say, September in Paris, and the weather
is really nice and we're getting closer to the river
but he asked me to close my eyes, which is like, okay,
this could be when he pushes me in front of
the car, because he's like a real sick fuck and
he's just been like building it up and he's like.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
A sadistic monster. But no, thankfully it wasn't that.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Well, can we go back to the like saying yes thing,
because we talked about that at the start of the thing.
You're going into these experiences wanting to say yes.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Yes because I built my life partially on the romance
of movies like Under the Tuscan Sun and The Thomas
Crown Affair, which was very important to me.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
It's another woman in her forties being.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Powerful, traveling, having experiences, saying yes to life, being in charge.
And for me to do that, I kind of have
to say yes to things. I can't just only say
yes because I'm with a group of friends in an
airbnb or if my mom says I can go fuck
a Barcelona man.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
I have to say yes on my home.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
So I'm like, when he asked me to close my eyes,
I'm like, all right, this is an opportunity to say
yes and hope that this man doesn't kill you. So
I close my eyes. He takes my hand and we
run across the street. I can tell we're running across
the street, but we run across the street and then
we go down some steps and he like guides me
down the steps. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall
to my death down flights of stairs at any rate.
(17:48):
And then he's like open them and it's Paris Plage,
which is like they've made the bank of the river
into like a sandy beach with lots of gelato vendors
and those like really nice beach chairs and stuff like that.
And so we get gelato and sit on the beach
chairs and we chat and he's kind of kissing my
neck a little this, and like flirting, and he's telling
(18:12):
me different like I know a little bit of French,
but not that much, and he's telling me different phrases
in French and I'm learning and he's like I think
we have a bit of a vibe and I'm like yes.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
He's like, would you want to go to a sex
shop with me? And I'm like.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yeah, I could see that. I could see going to
like here. I don't the pleasure chest, I guess is
a good one, but it was something like that where
they sell like toys and books and sexy outfits and
something like that. And he's like, I'm gonna buy something
for you and you buy something for me.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Is this something you would have said yes to back and.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Then out even like what? And yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:51):
And I'm very much are tracking, like okay, so you
want me to spend Wait? How much are each of us?
What's the spending limit for each of us? I would
ask a lot of questions. This time I didn't answer
any questions. So we buy something for each other and
then we go outside and we make out a little bit,
and then he pulls away and he's like, do you
like saunas? And I was like, saw, I don't think
(19:16):
this word means. I don't think we're saying the same thing,
Like are you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Saying you want to watch me sweat?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
He's like, oh, I guess the translation is closer to
a sex club okay.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And I was like, I.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Am saying, yes the things it is a Parisian sex club.
I don't know what that means, but it's definitely a
story and I get to have sex with this guy okay.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Hell yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
In my memory, it was like borderline, like a warehouse
door like it was like very like rust metal, nothing,
no signage, not clear what this place was. Yeah, and
there's a little part where the door is and there's
a camera and he I remember him buzzing and like
saying like two like two people would be coming into
this incognito, I know, And I was like, ooh, what's
(20:09):
this gonna be good?
Speaker 3 (20:12):
And so we go in.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
He pays for entrance for two because it's not just
a free sex club, I guess, which is probably good.
I imagine in the same way like a free toilet
is less clean than a paid toilet.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
So we go in, he pays a fee.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
They hand us these little things that go around our
wrist and it has a zipper.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
It has little tokens.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Inside, and I wish that it had had like coins,
like like fancy metal coins, but truly they look like
from a child's game, like little plastic tokens.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
At any rate, Okay, you have no idea what they're for,
but I don't.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Understand what they're for. But we go and they're like
you have to put your clothes in a locker, and
then you have to shower before you can enter the
rest of this.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Saunas what if you're dirty.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
You know, we don't want that, So we put our
clothes into the thing. We're kind of like sizing each
other up, like, oh, I guess we're seeing each other's boxes.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Some of you're seeing each other kids. Yes, as you're
about to enter this room where you have no idea
what's in it exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
So we are both naked and we're in the showers,
and since we're naked in the showers, we start fooling
around in the showers, and then we have these little
sarongs on going into this place where there's like old
style French furniture, and there's this stairwell, and there's lots
of these little rooms and different things are happening in
all the different rooms, and we choose the one that's
(21:25):
furthest and so we go into this room. It's dark,
we're making out. There aren't too many people around there.
A little bit further but we're off in a corner
and we're making out, and then we're having sex. And
I will say that your due lingo is not going
to come back to you when a man is inside
(21:48):
of you.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, no, So we are made sex.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
When someone taps on his shoulder and starts speaking in
rapid French and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You're like, oh.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
And my date, who was able to maintain erection while
translating from French to English, which I find impressive honestly,
was like, oh, they would like to join us, And
I was like, okay, I know canise this. This is
a trip about saying yes, but no, no, I'm not
(22:25):
going to.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
D that at you tapped into something, man, I was like.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I just would like to have sex with you, the
person that I've spoken to before this moment.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That's probably the best thing for me.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
And we have sex, and we continue to have sex,
and it's nice and we actually use the things that
we both bought for each other. At the sex up
he brought, I'm recognized, I'm Hella judgmental, and I have
to deal with that in my own heart.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
He brought flavored lube.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Oh god, what flavor?
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Vanilla? Okay, And I'm just gonna say, the flavors of
vanilla plus genital is weird.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
It's like it's it's really dairy forwards. Yeah, I don't
think any of us want that.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
I don't think it was the best flavor.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I think there was like some strawberry things from this,
and he went with vanilla.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
But I'm like, I don't know, vanilla.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Was a great choice just from my end, but also
from your end. Like that animal taste plus vanilla. I
find those strange combination.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
At any rate.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I thought you're gonna say, like croissant flavor.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Bro if they had like a buttery bread flavor.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Because of like the earthy neatness of genitals, that makes
more sense to me than vanilla.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I think more people should be thinking about what compliments
with genital Yes, what flavors?
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Do we all like, yeah, no, what flavor? This is terrible?
And I accept that this is where my brain went.
But I was like beef Wellington, like a nice pop
pie a stew. Maybe other people are like sex desserts,
but I'm like sex no main course.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
I'm thinking about like dyl Yeah you know.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Dill really well yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Yeah, uh.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Anyway, we have sex a bell rings. Okay, I don't
know what this bell is for. But they're like, we
gotta go downstairs because it's dinner time. Entrance into this
sex club comes with dinner. And again, I'm solo traveling.
I don't have a lot of money. He paid for
the entry. I'm like, you know what I actually would
like dinner. I've had gelato and I need something more substantive,
(24:30):
you know, So.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Are you guys still ass naked while you're waiting for dinner?
Speaker 1 (24:34):
We'd put the sarongs back, We'd put the sarongs on
as we had to down the stairs. And then we're
in this place where like tufted sofas and there's lots
of red silky tapestries and everything. And what they bring
in for dinner it's a man who's not dressed sexy
at all. He is dressed like a bouncer, just real
(24:56):
regular smegular and he brings in full pizzas.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
No, I think Pizza Hut like a brand that I know.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
It was either Pizza or Papa John's, and I'm not
sure which one is present in Paris at that time,
but it was definitely like I could get this back home.
I came all the way to Paris, oh my god,
to a Parisian sex club and I'm getting regular smegular
pizza that's not even your country's thing. If I was
(25:25):
in Italy, I'd be more okay with this then this
happening here.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
It's like I could get this at home. I don't
know if I would get it, but.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I already agreed to eat it, so now I'm eating pizza. Also,
I will say, the semolina flower that's on the bottom
of pizzas is not a good texture to have on
your hands if you are trying to hook up with people.
I think that, Like I washed my hands, but I
think maybe something was still stuck my fingernails. I just
(25:54):
think that that's a grit is not a texture you
want in a sex club. So I'm just gonna advise
against eating pizza at any sex club.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Okay, oh my god, and we're gonna put the Solita
stamp on that one. A podcast.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
We were talking to the other people there. They were
speaking in slow English to me because I couldn't understand
very much, but they were like, there's something freeing about
being here at a sex club because we get to
shed the markers of society that we have, and we
get to.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Be free to be who we truly are, and we're
all here together equal.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
And I was listening and like, I can see where
someone would say that, but I really appreciated that.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
My date was like, that's bullshit.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Okay, because in this place you can tell like who's
traditionally attractive, who's less traditionally attractive. But also there's other
signs of who has money, who doesn't have money. And
if you look around everyone he wasn't including me this,
but everyone here is white and that says something, especially
in Paris, where that's not the demographics of Paris. Yeah,
(27:07):
and I was like, he's actually one hundred percent correct.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Is this the first moment that you're looking around and
feeling like this difference?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yes, Like, oh, I'm not one of those ladies in
those movies. This experience automatically comes with things based on
who I am and what I know about the world.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
I can't just be like sure anything, because.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
I have a history, a past, a legacy, a family,
a race, a gender, all of that stuff, and I'm
bringing it into these situations with me. And it was
me re examining that that also led me to be like,
is that mold on this grotto?
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Is this this windows clean? Wait a second? And then
I was like, I think it's time for us to go.
I think it's time let's let's get a real dinner.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I don't think that pizza they did my appetite, so
I will say, me and that guy we went to
a dinner.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
After that, we put our clothes back on.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
We went to a dinner, and then we really started
talking more like just regular smegular people, and that was
really interesting, like we've already had a fair amount of
public sex. And then we sit down to dinner and
I order the duck Lorange because I'm cheesy as hell,
and I'm like, I've heard of it and I want
(28:27):
to try whatever that is. So I get the duck
Lorange and he tells me about his daughter, Whoa, and
being a teacher and how he got divorced. And I'm
talking about like I lived at the time. I think
I lived in Boston and my job. And it's not
this flirty thing that we are experiencing in the museum.
This is just like two adults being like, so what
(28:50):
are we doing?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
So who are you really?
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Like?
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
What is this? Yes exactly, that facade has sort of
been broken.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yes, it must not have been too terrible, because he
did invite me back to his house, but I was
it sounds.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Like it wasn't terrible. It sounds like it was like
sort of real for a second.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Yes, it got very real, but I was like, I
think I need to go and sleep. It was like
four am at this point, and I'm like, what kind
of restaurant serves duck large.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
At two ways? Oh? My god? They did.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And then I went back to my Airbnb and I
cried a lot just thinking about like, oh, yeah, I
bring a bunch of stuff to this, especially when it
comes to being a black woman, and oftentimes when I'm
in these other countries, I'm matching with white, white, seeming
white adjacent people, and it is like, what do you
(29:42):
even know about race?
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Like, what do you even know?
Speaker 1 (29:45):
I know about the race and the context of this country,
but what do you even know about like black people?
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yeah, do you talk to.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Anyone of African descent? Are you gonna ask me something
dumb about my hair? I have to think, like, okay, wait,
did that guy who tapped on my date's shoulder and
asked to join is this like a bucket list thing
for him? Like he's never slept with a black woman before,
and he's like a black woman who's having sex.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
I gotta get in on this. I'm not sure.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
So, yeah, you don't know the language, they say.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
I have no idea what they said.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Yeah, it could have been that my date was being
very kind and wasn't translating. Ooh, we want to see
what it's like to have sex with a black woman.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
And also in Paris, I'm like, you've had plenty of
opportunities to sleep with a black woman.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Oh, they're there.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Yeah. I want to come back to the saying yes
in that moment, Like what's going through your head? Are
you like I can't say yes to things? Is it
like I can say yes to some things? Does it
feel like something's falling apart?
Speaker 1 (30:42):
It feels like if you say yes to things, you
have to acknowledge that there's inherent risk to that, and
not just risk is in like safety. Yes, it may
not be the safest thing to go to a sex
club with a stranger in a foreign country where you
don't speak the language. Probably not the safest idea, but
also the okay, is my sense of self secure? Is
(31:06):
that going to be challenged? Am I going to have
to think about things in a way that I'm not
used to? Am I going to have to open myself
to possibly being judged by other people?
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (31:16):
And you're going to kind of have to say yes
to a fair number of those things.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
The risk of that at any rate, if you.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Want to experience the life that you've been pursuing.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
What do you say to somebody who wants to explore
sexually abroad or romantically abroad while also staying in touch
with their own personal boundaries.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
I'd say, I really like this question. I'd say, be
twenty five percent flexible. And what I mean is like,
your boundaries are your boundaries for a reason. Let's not
say and pretend that, oh, they're just some fantastical thing
that you put onto yourself for no reason. You literally
had a reason for establishing that boundary. But when it
(31:59):
comes to travel, when you are going to a different
place and allowing yourself to see new things, maybe allow
for a little bit of wiggle room to say yes
to an experience that in your everyday life you wouldn't
say yes to. That isn't getting a tattoo where it's
permanent and it's forever. But if you want to do that,
go ahead. It's not necessary. It's not marrying a man
(32:21):
that you just met. It's going to a second location
and then seeing how you feel at that second location.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yeah, it's great. Advice. Yes, I like that advice a lot.
After the break, Canise plays the girl on the back
of the vespa until the fantasy plays her back. What
(32:51):
are some of the perspectives that you feel like you've
picked up from just the people that you've dated abroad,
anything that you bring home with you.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Like talking to that guy eating that duc lerange at
that French cafe at two to four am, being like, hey,
I'm a real person too, Like I understand how like
you may feel often that like someone has just been like, hey,
you're a woman, let me project all my shit onto you.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
But you were kind of doing that to me. And
I have a kid, and I.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Have a job, and I have a whole life in
this And yes, for you, I certainly was like a
fun guy who knows art and is as interested in
it is you, and it fulfills probably a fantasy that
was created in your brain when you were a teenager,
based on the foreign films.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
That you liked. But I'm a real person, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Like, we are both real people here talking about our shit.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Yeah hell yeah, yeah, that's special. It's so true. Like
I think that we all entered, you know, XYZ country
with some sort of Casanova and our rats.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But they're like, I'm just a dude with a job
who pays bills, who takes dumps, who does all all
the normal things. And if that's not what you're interested in,
then you may not be actually interested in me.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yeah. Yeah, And I think that there's beneficial things on
both ends by playing into the fantasy, right, and even
if it's you know that there's a start date and
an end date to it. I'm gonna arrive here, I'm
going to leave in a week.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Oh my gosh, there can be so much charge. That's
so much fun to play with.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
We got real because he made the conversation real, but
for a week, you can be the fantasy.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
And also how much that was limiting to myself because
it's limiting to him. But it's also like my friends
they would not call me sassy because they know that
I hate that, but they would call me in charge
and doesn't take shit. And I wasn't necessarily being that person.
I was being more of like a flirty girl that
I've seen on TV who doesn't necessarily push back in
the same ways, who is it as feisty and willing
(34:52):
to debate you and.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
That kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
Yeah, I know what you mean. So you're sort of
losing that a little bit, but you're putting it on ice.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
You could eat it on ice because I'm being the
already girl in the back of the vespa. Yeah, and
I was hoping that he was putting on ice the
fact that he's like a dad, right, But no, let's
understanding that if you want a real thing, that you've
kind of got to be yourself and they kind of
have to be themselves too.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
That was also something that I learned.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah, yeah, we're talking about dating, but at the end
of the day, you are traveling to a place and
meeting the people that live there. Yes, and there's like
a lot to play with there, and also there's like
depth to.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Reach exactly when you said lots to play with.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
I just thought of sometimes when traveling, I have treated
the people as though they are the non player characters
in a game, like they are part of this experience
that I'm having, but they are their own people. It's
a completely different situation. And since the time I'm describing
in Paris, I've spent a month in Paris and I've
(35:51):
spent a month in Rome, and like spending more time
there and getting to see like the nitty gritty of
like where do you buy pads in.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
A different country?
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Yeah, or like, oh, okay, I see that guy at
this bar that's close to where I'm saying. That guy's
here every night and he's trying to fuck anything Like.
That's not a oh, I'm special moment. That's a oh
in the same way that you would treat that guy
like a creep in Brooklyn.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
There are also creeps, not not necessarily like violent rapists,
but just your run of the mill creep, Like.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You're putting too much fantasy around.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Yes, you're putting you're making this creep romantic. Right, It's
just because he's in a different country. But being in
a different country doesn't mean he's not a creep.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Well, I know what you mean about treating people like
NPCs because I had this romance with this guy in
Argentina and I remember feeling so sort of swept up
by it because I was there traveling alone. And then
you know, he was like, come to my hometown, and
I was like, Wow, another place to visit, beautiful, Come
stay with me and my family in the house that
I grew up with it again, felt like this really
(36:57):
special opportunity and I liked him, so I did it.
And when I left, I hadn't realized that I had
created an expectation of like this being a thing that
would come back to the US. Yes, And when I
ultimately came back home and I was like, back to
my life, he was really heartbroken.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Because he thought that was significant.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
He was like, you met my family.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
But for you, it was like, oh, look, there's so
many things to do in this country.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I'm saying yes. I was like, I'm saying yes to
everything exactly, and I'm attracted to this person and I
love their perspective and I'm really into this. But when
I get back home, I'm going to go back to
my regular life.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
That was sort of an into deep moment for me,
and I was like, I think I have to handle
this with a little more care.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
Yes, care for yourself and care for others.
Speaker 1 (37:41):
Yeah yeah, yeah, but also still say yes, still say yes,
not necessarily go to his hometown, but like start a thing.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Let him know where you stand, but start a thing.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Yeah, Okay, sex, romance across the world. These are things
that you've sort of play tested, You've experimented with what
have you learned about desire?
Speaker 1 (37:59):
I am thinking about this so much because I have
a game show called Hawkeye Draft where we investigate desire
and thirst and fandom and like what causes it? What
allows you to feel that way? And when it comes
to desire, I need to feel seen. But I also
(38:19):
need to see something that I haven't seen a million
times before. So that's probably saying something deeply psychological. Maybe
you're always pursuing novelty and that will be your undoing.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Maybe I'm saying that, but I need to see something
that's a new way of looking at something, And ideally
it's that this person has an interesting perspective and it's
a perspective that I feel safe in that I'm not
going to always feel like the person was always playing
Devil's Advocate and always being like have you.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
Considered why you're wrong?
Speaker 1 (38:50):
And always like kind of second guessing my experience to
where I felt like I was always kind of on guard.
I need someone who's interested in open and I need
that to see like, oh, this is a person who
has interesting takes and I respect the person that they are,
and then I can be interested enough to want to
(39:11):
have sex with them.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Solita is a production of iHeart Podcasts and No Floaties Productions.
I'm your host Julie Binnettro. Our producers are Me and
Mary Do, with consulting from Emily Maronoff and Kate Mansberger, Editing,
mixing and mastering by Mary Doo and engineered by Bihid
Fraser and Paul Bowman. Our theme song is by ballun
(39:38):
cover art is by Me, with finishing touches by Studio
Lee and Our executive producers are Me, Julie Binettro, and
Jason English. If you like this episode, please tell a
friend and don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to
Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you
get your favorite shows.
So we go into this room. It's dark, we're making out, uh,
there aren't too many people around, and then we're having
sex and I will say that your due lingo is
not going to come back to you when a man
is inside of you.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
So we are mid sex when someone taps on his
shoulder and starts speaking in rapid French and I'm like yeah,
and my date was like, oh, they would like to
join us, and I was like, okay, I know, canisee.
(00:44):
This this is a trip about saying yes, but no, no,
I'm not going to d that.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
This is Solita stories of what really happens when you
try alone, the beautiful, the messy, and the moments where
you say yes and surprise yourself. I'm your host, Julie Pinero.
Before any of us packed a bag alone, we learned
what solo travel was supposed to look like from the movies.
(01:18):
And there's a whole genre of movie where an American
woman gets on a plane, lands somewhere in Europe and
becomes a completely different person. She wears linen, she eats
her food slowly, and a man with cheekbones finds her interesting.
She says yes to that man. She gets on the
back of his vespa. She doesn't ask where they're going,
(01:41):
but she always ends up better than how she arrived.
Those movies had a choke hold on a generation of women,
including Canis Mobley, my guest today. Canise got on the
back of a vespa. She went to Paris, and she
wound up in a place those movies wouldn't have dared
to go, and the fantasy she'd been chasing since she
(02:03):
was a teenager finally cracked. Canis Mobley is an American
stand up comedian and filmmaker. You've seen her on The
Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, and you can catch her
comedy show The Hot Guy Draft at Littlefield Theater in Brooklyn,
New York. Canise, thank you for being on Solita.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I know that everyone's got an origin story to solo travel.
What is yours?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I had been traveling with my mom and we got
in several disagreements, and at a certain point I started
booking a trip after my trip with my mom because
I was like, I need a vacation after that experience.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Yeah, And what were these disagreements over? Was it like
where are we going to eat? Do we have the
same energy level right now where.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
We stay thing.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
So where we were going to stay, I always was
tasked with because I paid for it, I would be
taxed with handling all that. So I would book Airbnbs
and then my mom would complain about the airbnbs and
I'm like, if you want to pick something different, you
know what you can do. You can actually play a
role in establishing that. And if she's listening, I love
you. You're such a nice person. You are strong, you are kind.
(03:17):
But when it was tasked to me and it'd be like,
what are we doing every second of every day? And
it's like, well, what do you want to do instead
of just like, well, I expected that you were my
tour guide in this and that you were my event organizer,
and so we got in disagreements about that. The biggest
one we got in was because I went on a
date when we were in Barcelona and the date went
(03:40):
very well and I went home with the guy okay,
and she was like, you didn't give me enough information,
so I thought that you would been kidnapped. So when
I got up in the morning, I looked at my
phone and it was like twenty miss calls. Oh lots
of messages saying things like, hey, when I figure out
(04:01):
how to call the police in this country, we're coming
for you.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
That's a really delayed emergency call.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
But she was like, wait, maybe the kidnappers have the phone,
so tell me something only you would know.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
So I know the kidnappers don't have the phone.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And so we went through lots of back and forth
about that in.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
The moment right there while you're exiting.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
This yeah or not until I re entered the airbnb,
and she was like, I was losing my mind over
how you were and what was going on with you
and I haven't slept a wink. And I was like,
I didn't put it for fun reasons, but yeah, sure,
let's have this fight right now.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And what was the first solo trip off of one
of those trips that you took.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
So truly right after that, I went to Athens and
then from there went to Paris.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I'm curious when you started solo traveling, what were your
expectations for yourself?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
So my expectations were definitely made on movies like Under
the Tuscan Sun. Oh yeah, where she is in a
white dress, she is walking powerfully and a handsome rich
man decides, Hi, Yes, we can go out for a while.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
That sounds nice.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Oh god, this movie it.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Had a choke hold holling a lot of people same.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Do you feel slightly unsatisfied with the way that life
is going where you live?
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Try Europe.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Oh, that was definitely the message that was put to me.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Mass PSA for Europe.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Yes, Ceiling Beauty.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I think it's a Bertolucci film from the late nineties
with liv Tyler where she goes to an Italian villa
and there's romance there. It's a great movie. That definitely
was like, Oh, you're gonna go. You of course will
meet someone interesting. They will sweep you off your feet
and do all the work of everything I guess, and
(06:01):
then you will go back to the US with this
deep experience, this meaningful moment. You'll be better, more interesting,
a more compelling version of the youth that exists right now.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
But it's not all about what they do to you,
right It's a bit about your own outlook.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Yeah, you have to say yes to things.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
You have to say yes.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You have to be willing and open to like try
new things and hop on the back of a vespa
and just.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Go who knows where he's taking you.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Yeah, I don't you have to say yes, fingers Crossy's
not kidnapping you. A lot of these movies came out
before Taken.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, yeah, and I think the vibe was definitely changed
by that, although that probably speaks to Americans being like,
I will absolutely go to Western Europe, Eastern Europe.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
That's where they kidnap and murder you.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That's a thing that happened in broke Down Palace, So like,
don't go to Asia if you're clear Danes, but outside
of that, you're probably fine.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Can you describe an early travel moment yourself where you
said yes and you surprised yourself.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
So the first time when I was absolutely by myself
was in London and I looked around.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
I speak English. I was like, I can handle this.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
And I went on a date with a guy he
recently had moved there from I want to say Turkey,
and he was giving me the sights and telling me
about what London was about. And it was weird because
there was absolutely no chemistry and all the movies there's chemistry.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Oh yeah, but.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
They don't tell you that.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
You can just like go to lots of tourist locations
with a man and never want to kiss him or
touch him or see him again. And so it was like,
thanks random guy for showing me around.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
What are you thinking when you're walking away from an
interaction like that, Because at the end of the day,
really it is nothing lost, right, It's.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Nothing lost at all. I got a free guided tour
around that place. But I was like, and this sounds
so much like something someone might say on an in
cell podcast. I was like, we aren't even not even kissing.
We're not even gonna bone a little bit.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
I spend all my money on this, Yeah, get an
awkward kiss.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I didn't want to have sex with him, but I
was like, I feel like I'm supposed to have sex
with people I'm traveling. I'm a young American woman. Aren't
they supposed to be hoeing it up instead of just
learning about a place.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
There's something about the anonymity of being away and being
like I could be whatever I want, I could be
whoever I want.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I could be a hoe because I'm not really a
hoe in my everyday life, but I was like, I
could be a hoe in Europe.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
What do you feel like you're getting with dating while
you're traveling that you're not getting at home.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
Part of this I will answer with a dating story
that I had at home, but it was the guy
was traveling, so he was in Australia.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
I mean, he still is.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
He's an Australian guy and he was traveling to the US,
and so all of the little quirks, I was just like,
he's Australian. Every time he said something where I was like, Oh,
you don't really have an understanding of like the racial
dynamics that exist in America. As a white Australian, I
don't have to think about your place in that and
(09:23):
your complicity in the overarching system that affects me.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
You're Australian, that's different.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So it's easy.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, it's like I don't have to question, like, does
what you're saying mean the oppression of me or the
taking away of my rights? That's Australia's problem. That's that's
over there for them. That's not right. I'm not hurting
anyone by sleeping with this person and potentially encouraging this
behavior by rewarding it with sex. I'm I'm free of
(09:51):
any guilt here. I'm like on a dating app, conservative
no moderate. That's just conservative by another name. No, so
all of your pictures are with white people. There's more
than just white people in our area. No, So it's
just like lots of things make me say no here.
If it's in another country or someone from another country,
I'm just more likely to be like, Eh, maybe there's
(10:13):
a reason I don't totally understand.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
It's not skin off my back. Yeah, I don't have
to introduce this man to my mom.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, it makes so much sense. So let's talk about
saying yes while you're dating a broadcast, because we are
talking about this sort of mentality of the what's the
name of the main character in Tuscan Son.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Should I should remember?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Outside of Tuscan Sun Lady, the actor's name is Dian Lane.
But Diane Lane represents like, in your forties you should
be having new and exciting sexual experiences. And so yes,
I was her and she was me. I wanted to
be like that. I decided that is what being in
your forties will be like.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Obviously, I want to talk about sort of the nuts
and bolts of this because I think it's a really
interesting premise to date while you're traveling. Yes, And I
think a lot of people don't quite know how to
get into it. So how are you meeting people and
what are your screening tactics.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
So I think some people in their daily lives in
the city that they live in go to bars and
talk to people and create dates like that.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
I want to be that person.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
I want to be a person who like, oh, casually
at a party, oh who, and then we make connections
and then we schedule a date and people are just
like knocking down my door to take me on dinners
that they pay for. That's what I would like. But
most of my dating has been through the apps, and
so I'm very used to screening people through the apps.
So when I travel, it becomes like, oh, this is
(11:41):
an extension of the app based dating that I do
in New York, I will do that in another country.
I look for people who are way too quick to
let's us x, I'll pick you up where you're staying.
I say no to those I'm usually kind of bored
with let's just meet at a bar, because it's like
I traveled around the world to just go to this bar.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Y Like, that's not great.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
So I think my favorite dates in other countries are hey, oh,
you're you're new in town. You've got to see this
thing that I might not have heard of otherwise. Or
they're doing a special thing at this museum that you
were going to visit, and I'm like, oh, okay, this
guy he's in the No, he's cool.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
It's also like you're easily wowable. You know, you get
to this place and you're like, show me something that's interesting.
I might be mundane to.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
You, fair because in New York, Oh, it would be
hard to wow me.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
I admit that.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I'm like, damn, I sound jaded as hell, and it's
probably true because yeah, in New York, I'd be like,
of course I've been there.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yeah, I've been there. I've been I've been all the places.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Like I've got a bad date if you want to
take me there.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, no offense to anyone who I've been on a
date with to the Brooklyn Museum, because I live near
the Brooklyn Museum. I've gone on so many dates there.
I've looked at the Last Supper, the all all that stuff.
I've looked at it on dates, discuss discuss my feelings.
Oh use it as a springboard to understand their feelings
about the feminist movement.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
We've gotten into.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
It and you're on apps. Are you starting to swipe
when you're in the country.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Oh, swipe, I start swiping before and.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
You're setting updates before you get there. Yes, brilliant. How
do you stay safe and signal the things about yourself
that you want to attract in the right people.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Most of the solo traveling that I've done is in
my thirties, so I'm not young, and people are very
predatory towards young women in a way that I feel
it's maybe it's silly, but I'm like, yeah, I've aged
out of being in threat all the time. Yeah, I'm
more so worry about people being like why are you here,
old lady? Like who let her into this store? So
(13:45):
my concerns are a little bit different. But I also
I like, take a picture of their profile, okay, and
I'll send their profile and their phone number, usually to
a friend who's not in the country with me, or
sometimes with like if I'm traveling with friends, I will
send yeah phone number, like WhatsApp connection, here's their dating site.
(14:06):
And for one guy, I was like, send me a
picture of your idy, Like I need a picture of
your ID just in case, just because I might make
a mistake, but I want the authorities to be able
to haunt you down.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So when you are out in your solo traveling, how
do you get out of a date that feels uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
I have to do something, So I will say at
the beginning of the date, I'm meeting up with a
friend later, and sure the time may get flexible if
I'm having a nice time and suddenly, you know what,
I can skip that date. But making sure that they
hear that someone will be looking for me if I
just don't show up, So like if you want to
follow me home and murder me later, but like right now,
someone's looking for me.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
So just knowing that they know that there are people accountable. Yes,
after the break a fling in Paris that changes everything
about the way Canise says, yes, okay, So we talked
(15:07):
about things that could go or have gone hardly rong.
What about your favorite travel romances, travel sexual freedom stories?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Yes, absolutely so.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
I did go on a day in Paris and we
matched online. We met at a site that I was
already interested in seeing, which is Le Sentra Pompado in Paris,
and we were walking around the museum and he showed
genuine interest in the art. I love museums. I go
to museums in any city that I go to. So
we were discussing different styles of art that were present
(15:39):
in this museum. We're talking about the furniture. We're watching
one of those video installations where it's all dark in
a room and we're sitting next to each other and
our like arms are kind of touching a little bit,
and so we're talking about our and our experiences with
it and really basking in the glow of this video
and it's like, uh, oh, let's get a half the
Oh my gosh. As are walking out, we are looking
(16:01):
at I remember this very specifically. It was a furniture
exhibit and We're looking at these different types of chairs
and I'm like, oh, I like this one for this reason,
that one for this other reason. And he stands behind
me and I can feel his breath on my neck
in this really nice way, and I was like, Oh,
it's going down, like something's going on. There's chemistry here, okay,
And then we go and we walk outside. It is
(16:24):
I want to say, September in Paris, and the weather
is really nice and we're getting closer to the river
but he asked me to close my eyes, which is like, okay,
this could be when he pushes me in front of
the car, because he's like a real sick fuck and
he's just been like building it up and he's like.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
A sadistic monster. But no, thankfully it wasn't that.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Well, can we go back to the like saying yes thing,
because we talked about that at the start of the thing.
You're going into these experiences wanting to say yes.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Yes because I built my life partially on the romance
of movies like Under the Tuscan Sun and The Thomas
Crown Affair, which was very important to me.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
It's another woman in her forties being.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Powerful, traveling, having experiences, saying yes to life, being in charge.
And for me to do that, I kind of have
to say yes to things. I can't just only say
yes because I'm with a group of friends in an
airbnb or if my mom says I can go fuck
a Barcelona man.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
I have to say yes on my home.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
So I'm like, when he asked me to close my eyes,
I'm like, all right, this is an opportunity to say
yes and hope that this man doesn't kill you. So
I close my eyes. He takes my hand and we
run across the street. I can tell we're running across
the street, but we run across the street and then
we go down some steps and he like guides me
down the steps. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall
to my death down flights of stairs at any rate.
(17:48):
And then he's like open them and it's Paris Plage,
which is like they've made the bank of the river
into like a sandy beach with lots of gelato vendors
and those like really nice beach chairs and stuff like that.
And so we get gelato and sit on the beach
chairs and we chat and he's kind of kissing my
neck a little this, and like flirting, and he's telling
(18:12):
me different like I know a little bit of French,
but not that much, and he's telling me different phrases
in French and I'm learning and he's like I think
we have a bit of a vibe and I'm like yes.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
He's like, would you want to go to a sex
shop with me? And I'm like.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Yeah, I could see that. I could see going to
like here. I don't the pleasure chest, I guess is
a good one, but it was something like that where
they sell like toys and books and sexy outfits and
something like that. And he's like, I'm gonna buy something
for you and you buy something for me.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Is this something you would have said yes to back and.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Then out even like what? And yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:51):
And I'm very much are tracking, like okay, so you
want me to spend Wait? How much are each of us?
What's the spending limit for each of us? I would
ask a lot of questions. This time I didn't answer
any questions. So we buy something for each other and
then we go outside and we make out a little bit,
and then he pulls away and he's like, do you
like saunas? And I was like, saw, I don't think
(19:16):
this word means. I don't think we're saying the same thing,
Like are you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Saying you want to watch me sweat?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
He's like, oh, I guess the translation is closer to
a sex club okay.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And I was like, I.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Am saying, yes the things it is a Parisian sex club.
I don't know what that means, but it's definitely a
story and I get to have sex with this guy okay.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Hell yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
In my memory, it was like borderline, like a warehouse
door like it was like very like rust metal, nothing,
no signage, not clear what this place was. Yeah, and
there's a little part where the door is and there's
a camera and he I remember him buzzing and like
saying like two like two people would be coming into
this incognito, I know, And I was like, ooh, what's
(20:09):
this gonna be good?
Speaker 3 (20:12):
And so we go in.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
He pays for entrance for two because it's not just
a free sex club, I guess, which is probably good.
I imagine in the same way like a free toilet
is less clean than a paid toilet.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
So we go in, he pays a fee.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
They hand us these little things that go around our
wrist and it has a zipper.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
It has little tokens.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Inside, and I wish that it had had like coins,
like like fancy metal coins, but truly they look like
from a child's game, like little plastic tokens.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
At any rate, Okay, you have no idea what they're for,
but I don't.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Understand what they're for. But we go and they're like
you have to put your clothes in a locker, and
then you have to shower before you can enter the
rest of this.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Saunas what if you're dirty.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
You know, we don't want that, So we put our
clothes into the thing. We're kind of like sizing each
other up, like, oh, I guess we're seeing each other's boxes.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Some of you're seeing each other kids. Yes, as you're
about to enter this room where you have no idea
what's in it exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
So we are both naked and we're in the showers,
and since we're naked in the showers, we start fooling
around in the showers, and then we have these little
sarongs on going into this place where there's like old
style French furniture, and there's this stairwell, and there's lots
of these little rooms and different things are happening in
all the different rooms, and we choose the one that's
(21:25):
furthest and so we go into this room. It's dark,
we're making out. There aren't too many people around there.
A little bit further but we're off in a corner
and we're making out, and then we're having sex. And
I will say that your due lingo is not going
to come back to you when a man is inside
(21:48):
of you.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, no, So we are made sex.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
When someone taps on his shoulder and starts speaking in
rapid French and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You're like, oh.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
And my date, who was able to maintain erection while
translating from French to English, which I find impressive honestly,
was like, oh, they would like to join us, And
I was like, okay, I know canise this. This is
a trip about saying yes, but no, no, I'm not
(22:25):
going to.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
D that at you tapped into something, man, I was like.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I just would like to have sex with you, the
person that I've spoken to before this moment.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That's probably the best thing for me.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
And we have sex, and we continue to have sex,
and it's nice and we actually use the things that
we both bought for each other. At the sex up
he brought, I'm recognized, I'm Hella judgmental, and I have
to deal with that in my own heart.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
He brought flavored lube.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Oh god, what flavor?
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Vanilla? Okay, And I'm just gonna say, the flavors of
vanilla plus genital is weird.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
It's like it's it's really dairy forwards. Yeah, I don't
think any of us want that.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
I don't think it was the best flavor.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I think there was like some strawberry things from this,
and he went with vanilla.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
But I'm like, I don't know, vanilla.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Was a great choice just from my end, but also
from your end. Like that animal taste plus vanilla. I
find those strange combination.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
At any rate.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I thought you're gonna say, like croissant flavor.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Bro if they had like a buttery bread flavor.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Because of like the earthy neatness of genitals, that makes
more sense to me than vanilla.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I think more people should be thinking about what compliments
with genital Yes, what flavors?
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Do we all like, yeah, no, what flavor? This is terrible?
And I accept that this is where my brain went.
But I was like beef Wellington, like a nice pop
pie a stew. Maybe other people are like sex desserts,
but I'm like sex no main course.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
I'm thinking about like dyl Yeah you know.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Dill really well yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Yeah, uh.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Anyway, we have sex a bell rings. Okay, I don't
know what this bell is for. But they're like, we
gotta go downstairs because it's dinner time. Entrance into this
sex club comes with dinner. And again, I'm solo traveling.
I don't have a lot of money. He paid for
the entry. I'm like, you know what I actually would
like dinner. I've had gelato and I need something more substantive,
(24:30):
you know, So.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Are you guys still ass naked while you're waiting for dinner?
Speaker 1 (24:34):
We'd put the sarongs back, We'd put the sarongs on
as we had to down the stairs. And then we're
in this place where like tufted sofas and there's lots
of red silky tapestries and everything. And what they bring
in for dinner it's a man who's not dressed sexy
at all. He is dressed like a bouncer, just real
(24:56):
regular smegular and he brings in full pizzas.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
No, I think Pizza Hut like a brand that I know.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
It was either Pizza or Papa John's, and I'm not
sure which one is present in Paris at that time,
but it was definitely like I could get this back home.
I came all the way to Paris, oh my god,
to a Parisian sex club and I'm getting regular smegular
pizza that's not even your country's thing. If I was
(25:25):
in Italy, I'd be more okay with this then this
happening here.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
It's like I could get this at home. I don't
know if I would get it, but.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I already agreed to eat it, so now I'm eating pizza. Also,
I will say, the semolina flower that's on the bottom
of pizzas is not a good texture to have on
your hands if you are trying to hook up with people.
I think that, Like I washed my hands, but I
think maybe something was still stuck my fingernails. I just
(25:54):
think that that's a grit is not a texture you
want in a sex club. So I'm just gonna advise
against eating pizza at any sex club.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Okay, oh my god, and we're gonna put the Solita
stamp on that one. A podcast.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
We were talking to the other people there. They were
speaking in slow English to me because I couldn't understand
very much, but they were like, there's something freeing about
being here at a sex club because we get to
shed the markers of society that we have, and we
get to.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Be free to be who we truly are, and we're
all here together equal.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
And I was listening and like, I can see where
someone would say that, but I really appreciated that.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
My date was like, that's bullshit.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Okay, because in this place you can tell like who's
traditionally attractive, who's less traditionally attractive. But also there's other
signs of who has money, who doesn't have money. And
if you look around everyone he wasn't including me this,
but everyone here is white and that says something, especially
in Paris, where that's not the demographics of Paris. Yeah,
(27:07):
and I was like, he's actually one hundred percent correct.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Is this the first moment that you're looking around and
feeling like this difference?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yes, Like, oh, I'm not one of those ladies in
those movies. This experience automatically comes with things based on
who I am and what I know about the world.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
I can't just be like sure anything, because.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
I have a history, a past, a legacy, a family,
a race, a gender, all of that stuff, and I'm
bringing it into these situations with me. And it was
me re examining that that also led me to be like,
is that mold on this grotto?
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Is this this windows clean? Wait a second? And then
I was like, I think it's time for us to go.
I think it's time let's let's get a real dinner.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I don't think that pizza they did my appetite, so
I will say, me and that guy we went to
a dinner.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
After that, we put our clothes back on.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
We went to a dinner, and then we really started
talking more like just regular smegular people, and that was
really interesting, like we've already had a fair amount of
public sex. And then we sit down to dinner and
I order the duck Lorange because I'm cheesy as hell,
and I'm like, I've heard of it and I want
(28:27):
to try whatever that is. So I get the duck
Lorange and he tells me about his daughter, Whoa, and
being a teacher and how he got divorced. And I'm
talking about like I lived at the time. I think
I lived in Boston and my job. And it's not
this flirty thing that we are experiencing in the museum.
This is just like two adults being like, so what
(28:50):
are we doing?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
So who are you really?
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Like?
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
What is this? Yes exactly, that facade has sort of
been broken.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yes, it must not have been too terrible, because he
did invite me back to his house, but I was
it sounds.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Like it wasn't terrible. It sounds like it was like
sort of real for a second.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Yes, it got very real, but I was like, I
think I need to go and sleep. It was like
four am at this point, and I'm like, what kind
of restaurant serves duck large.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
At two ways? Oh? My god? They did.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And then I went back to my Airbnb and I
cried a lot just thinking about like, oh, yeah, I
bring a bunch of stuff to this, especially when it
comes to being a black woman, and oftentimes when I'm
in these other countries, I'm matching with white, white, seeming
white adjacent people, and it is like, what do you
(29:42):
even know about race?
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Like, what do you even know?
Speaker 1 (29:45):
I know about the race and the context of this country,
but what do you even know about like black people?
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yeah, do you talk to.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Anyone of African descent? Are you gonna ask me something
dumb about my hair? I have to think, like, okay, wait,
did that guy who tapped on my date's shoulder and
asked to join is this like a bucket list thing
for him? Like he's never slept with a black woman before,
and he's like a black woman who's having sex.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
I gotta get in on this. I'm not sure.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
So, yeah, you don't know the language, they say.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
I have no idea what they said.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Yeah, it could have been that my date was being
very kind and wasn't translating. Ooh, we want to see
what it's like to have sex with a black woman.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
And also in Paris, I'm like, you've had plenty of
opportunities to sleep with a black woman.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Oh, they're there.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Yeah. I want to come back to the saying yes
in that moment, Like what's going through your head? Are
you like I can't say yes to things? Is it
like I can say yes to some things? Does it
feel like something's falling apart?
Speaker 1 (30:42):
It feels like if you say yes to things, you
have to acknowledge that there's inherent risk to that, and
not just risk is in like safety. Yes, it may
not be the safest thing to go to a sex
club with a stranger in a foreign country where you
don't speak the language. Probably not the safest idea, but
also the okay, is my sense of self secure? Is
(31:06):
that going to be challenged? Am I going to have
to think about things in a way that I'm not
used to? Am I going to have to open myself
to possibly being judged by other people?
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (31:16):
And you're going to kind of have to say yes
to a fair number of those things.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
The risk of that at any rate, if you.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Want to experience the life that you've been pursuing.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
What do you say to somebody who wants to explore
sexually abroad or romantically abroad while also staying in touch
with their own personal boundaries.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
I'd say, I really like this question. I'd say, be
twenty five percent flexible. And what I mean is like,
your boundaries are your boundaries for a reason. Let's not
say and pretend that, oh, they're just some fantastical thing
that you put onto yourself for no reason. You literally
had a reason for establishing that boundary. But when it
(31:59):
comes to travel, when you are going to a different
place and allowing yourself to see new things, maybe allow
for a little bit of wiggle room to say yes
to an experience that in your everyday life you wouldn't
say yes to. That isn't getting a tattoo where it's
permanent and it's forever. But if you want to do that,
go ahead. It's not necessary. It's not marrying a man
(32:21):
that you just met. It's going to a second location
and then seeing how you feel at that second location.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yeah, it's great. Advice. Yes, I like that advice a lot.
After the break, Canise plays the girl on the back
of the vespa until the fantasy plays her back. What
(32:51):
are some of the perspectives that you feel like you've
picked up from just the people that you've dated abroad,
anything that you bring home with you.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Like talking to that guy eating that duc lerange at
that French cafe at two to four am, being like, hey,
I'm a real person too, Like I understand how like
you may feel often that like someone has just been like, hey,
you're a woman, let me project all my shit onto you.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
But you were kind of doing that to me. And
I have a kid, and I.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Have a job, and I have a whole life in
this And yes, for you, I certainly was like a
fun guy who knows art and is as interested in
it is you, and it fulfills probably a fantasy that
was created in your brain when you were a teenager,
based on the foreign films.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
That you liked. But I'm a real person, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Like, we are both real people here talking about our shit.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Yeah hell yeah, yeah, that's special. It's so true. Like
I think that we all entered, you know, XYZ country
with some sort of Casanova and our rats.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But they're like, I'm just a dude with a job
who pays bills, who takes dumps, who does all all
the normal things. And if that's not what you're interested in,
then you may not be actually interested in me.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yeah. Yeah, And I think that there's beneficial things on
both ends by playing into the fantasy, right, and even
if it's you know that there's a start date and
an end date to it. I'm gonna arrive here, I'm
going to leave in a week.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Oh my gosh, there can be so much charge. That's
so much fun to play with.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
We got real because he made the conversation real, but
for a week, you can be the fantasy.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
And also how much that was limiting to myself because
it's limiting to him. But it's also like my friends
they would not call me sassy because they know that
I hate that, but they would call me in charge
and doesn't take shit. And I wasn't necessarily being that person.
I was being more of like a flirty girl that
I've seen on TV who doesn't necessarily push back in
the same ways, who is it as feisty and willing
(34:52):
to debate you and.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
That kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
Yeah, I know what you mean. So you're sort of
losing that a little bit, but you're putting it on ice.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
You could eat it on ice because I'm being the
already girl in the back of the vespa. Yeah, and
I was hoping that he was putting on ice the
fact that he's like a dad, right, But no, let's
understanding that if you want a real thing, that you've
kind of got to be yourself and they kind of
have to be themselves too.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
That was also something that I learned.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah, yeah, we're talking about dating, but at the end
of the day, you are traveling to a place and
meeting the people that live there. Yes, and there's like
a lot to play with there, and also there's like
depth to.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
Reach exactly when you said lots to play with.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
I just thought of sometimes when traveling, I have treated
the people as though they are the non player characters
in a game, like they are part of this experience
that I'm having, but they are their own people. It's
a completely different situation. And since the time I'm describing
in Paris, I've spent a month in Paris and I've
(35:51):
spent a month in Rome, and like spending more time
there and getting to see like the nitty gritty of
like where do you buy pads in.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
A different country?
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Yeah, or like, oh, okay, I see that guy at
this bar that's close to where I'm saying. That guy's
here every night and he's trying to fuck anything Like.
That's not a oh, I'm special moment. That's a oh
in the same way that you would treat that guy
like a creep in Brooklyn.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
There are also creeps, not not necessarily like violent rapists,
but just your run of the mill creep, Like.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You're putting too much fantasy around.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Yes, you're putting you're making this creep romantic. Right, It's
just because he's in a different country. But being in
a different country doesn't mean he's not a creep.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Well, I know what you mean about treating people like
NPCs because I had this romance with this guy in
Argentina and I remember feeling so sort of swept up
by it because I was there traveling alone. And then
you know, he was like, come to my hometown, and
I was like, Wow, another place to visit, beautiful, Come
stay with me and my family in the house that
I grew up with it again, felt like this really
(36:57):
special opportunity and I liked him, so I did it.
And when I left, I hadn't realized that I had
created an expectation of like this being a thing that
would come back to the US. Yes, And when I
ultimately came back home and I was like, back to
my life, he was really heartbroken.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Because he thought that was significant.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
He was like, you met my family.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
But for you, it was like, oh, look, there's so
many things to do in this country.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I'm saying yes. I was like, I'm saying yes to
everything exactly, and I'm attracted to this person and I
love their perspective and I'm really into this. But when
I get back home, I'm going to go back to
my regular life.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
That was sort of an into deep moment for me,
and I was like, I think I have to handle
this with a little more care.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
Yes, care for yourself and care for others.
Speaker 1 (37:41):
Yeah yeah, yeah, but also still say yes, still say yes,
not necessarily go to his hometown, but like start a thing.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Let him know where you stand, but start a thing.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Yeah, Okay, sex, romance across the world. These are things
that you've sort of play tested, You've experimented with what
have you learned about desire?
Speaker 1 (37:59):
I am thinking about this so much because I have
a game show called Hawkeye Draft where we investigate desire
and thirst and fandom and like what causes it? What
allows you to feel that way? And when it comes
to desire, I need to feel seen. But I also
(38:19):
need to see something that I haven't seen a million
times before. So that's probably saying something deeply psychological. Maybe
you're always pursuing novelty and that will be your undoing.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Maybe I'm saying that, but I need to see something
that's a new way of looking at something, And ideally
it's that this person has an interesting perspective and it's
a perspective that I feel safe in that I'm not
going to always feel like the person was always playing
Devil's Advocate and always being like have you.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
Considered why you're wrong?
Speaker 1 (38:50):
And always like kind of second guessing my experience to
where I felt like I was always kind of on guard.
I need someone who's interested in open and I need
that to see like, oh, this is a person who
has interesting takes and I respect the person that they are,
and then I can be interested enough to want to
(39:11):
have sex with them.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Solita is a production of iHeart Podcasts and No Floaties Productions.
I'm your host Julie Binnettro. Our producers are Me and
Mary Do, with consulting from Emily Maronoff and Kate Mansberger, Editing,
mixing and mastering by Mary Doo and engineered by Bihid
Fraser and Paul Bowman. Our theme song is by ballun
(39:38):
cover art is by Me, with finishing touches by Studio
Lee and Our executive producers are Me, Julie Binettro, and
Jason English. If you like this episode, please tell a
friend and don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to
Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you
get your favorite shows.
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