February 9, 2026 • 58 mins
Love isn’t just romance. It’s friendship, family, self-worth, trust, and the way we show up for ourselves. In this Valentine’s episode, I open up about what real love actually looks like after heartbreak, betrayal, and learning the hard way. Drawing from anonymous listener questions and my own lived experiences, we talk about trusting again after abuse, learning to believe in good people, navigating anxiety in healthy relationships, and why you can’t scare away the person who’s meant for you.
We explore dating without controlling outcomes, staying present in singleness, rebuilding communication in relationships, finding love later in life, and why choosing the right partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. This episode is for anyone who has ever felt behind in love, struggled to trust themselves or others, wondered if safe, calm love really exists, or needed permission to stop settling. Love is all around us, sometimes we just need help learning how to recognize it, choose it, and believe we deserve it.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Pules, it's time for the episode that's all about love,
and not just the kind of love you're thinking of.
We of course are going to talk about relationships and
true love, but more than that, it's friendship, love, family love,
self love. Because the real thing is love is all
(00:35):
around us, and if you haven't figured that out by now,
you may need a little bit more work than just
this podcast. I did have people send in a bunch
of things because relationships do surround us, and how love
is in our lives and how it impacts our lives
is so important. And that's why I decided to start
out our love series where I just talk about a
(00:58):
lot of things that you guys want to talk about,
because this is again all for you guys. The whole
point of doing this podcast is so I can connect
with you guys. We can connect with each other, and
we make things a little less difficult in our lives.
That's always the hope. I'm keeping all of this anonymous
because so many people are sharing vulnerable moments of their life.
Love is vulnerable, Love is difficult. So I'm not going
(01:21):
to put anybody on blasts with their names, but I
do want to share their stories and their questions and
all kinds of things too. We're going to kick things
off talking about trust and authenticity in relationships. I had
(01:42):
this person reach out because they're going through therapy and
this is the next phase of their therapy chapter where
they're focusing on relationships. And it's so interesting because so
much of what we're taught about relationships is you gotta
communicate and find the right partner and everything will work
(02:02):
itself out. But honestly, that's so much harder than just
saying that goes. Trust is hard, and being authentic and
who you are while showing up with a partner is
also really hard. If there's one thing I've realized in
all of my dating and the dates that have gone
on and just the other relationships that I've been in
(02:23):
over the course of my life, is that you can't
run off the person who's meant to be in your life.
You being you is supposed to welcome that person in
and give you a safe space to further be yourself.
If you're running people away from being exactly who you are,
then they aren't meant for you. That goes for any relationship,
(02:46):
but particularly your partnership, because if you can't be yourself,
be exactly who you are to every level, your weird
quirks and your funny flaws and yes, the bad qualities
that you have. Then it's it's not the right human
being because the right person in your life is not
going to scare easily. And you can say nearly anything.
(03:08):
Now I'm not talking anything horrible. If you're just a
horrible person, that's a different story altogether. But you can't
say the wrong thing to the right person. The right
person is going to love you exactly as you are.
And so when it comes to authenticity and relationships, it's
about being you and being comfortable with who you are.
(03:28):
It goes further than just wanting that person to love
you as you, but it's you wanting to love yourself
as you. I don't wholeheartedly believe that you need to
be completely fixed or have every wound healed to be
in a great relationship. In fact, a lot of the
work that you're going to need to do for yourself
is going to happen in a relationship. But you do
(03:51):
still have to show up in the relationship and be
somewhat in love with yourself. You have to be in
love with yourself, and that you're not going to tolerate
any bullshit. When we don't love ourselves or when we
don't understand how great we are or how capable we are,
then we're allowing somebody else to also not love us
(04:15):
to that degree. So how you show up and that
relationship is going to transpire. It's like your partner is
a mirror to you, right, They're the person who's going
to show you every innermost horrible pieces of yourself. And
if it's the right partner, that's a good thing. It
means you guys can work on that together and go
through life and understand things together. But if it's the
(04:37):
wrong partner, you're gonna know very quickly. So authenticity and
relationships matters. The way you love yourself matters entering into
that relationship. But more than anything, it's been exactly who
you're supposed to be. You shouldn't be trying to be
somebody else getting into a relationship. That's actually the worst
(04:59):
thing you can do. Putting on a first date is
the worst thing you can do because you're asking somebody
to love someone that doesn't exist, and that's not fair
for you or for them. So be you show up
who you are. Scars and all, and the right person
is going to stay regardless of all of those flaws
(05:20):
and those quirks, because if I can find somebody who
loves me with all of mine, I promise you that
you can. That does exist now in that same vein
that this person was particularly talking about was also trust,
and trust is something that's been incredibly difficult for me
over the really the entire course of my adult life.
(05:41):
It started when I was in high school and really
went through some horrible friendships, and those friendships, in turn
made me stop trusting people, and things that I experienced
with my older individuals or people who should be my
role models in my life also made me stop trusting
people in general, and so my trust in humans was
(06:05):
very low from a very young age and it only
continued into adulthood. I don't know if you guys have
seen the world today, but it's difficult to trust people.
It's difficult to believe that people are good, or that
they are inherently good or they will do good things.
We often see now that there's a lot of bad
and there's a lot hard in the world thanks to
(06:26):
social media. Now that doesn't mean I don't believe there
isn't still good in the world, Because there is, But
trust is hard, especially this day and age. Believing that
good people exist is hard. And I remember something so
so vividly, and I don't remember if it was my
therapist or my friend or who decided to tell me this,
(06:49):
but it was such a cool reflection and it really
made me think when I had no belief that there
was going to be another good person in the world,
I was told, you exist. So if you exist, how
could you not believe that there is good in the world.
(07:12):
And that started to rewrite my relationship with trust in people,
and I had to start learning to give people the
benefit of the doubt because that person was right, I
am good, So why should I believe that there isn't
other good out there? Just because I've had multiple interactions
with people who are bad and who have broken my
(07:33):
trust doesn't mean that I'm not going to have people
come into my path who aren't inherently good in the
ways that I had hoped. So that particular phrase started
to really reframe things in my mind and allow me
to believe that one, there was good in the world,
and two, because there's good in the world, there are
(07:54):
going to be people that I can trust, and it
doesn't mean it will be easy. There's still moments I'm
now engaged, and there's still moments in our relationship where
I have doubts of believing that this person could not
ever leave, or not cheat on me, or not do things,
because for fifteen years of my life, that's what I
(08:15):
believed in relationship, was that I was just gonna have
to deal with somebody cheating on me, and that's the
way it goes. And so I'm having to rewrite years
of this pain and broken trust even still today. It's not, unfortunately,
something that you just decide one day, Okay, I'm gonna
trust people, and then now, oh all good. That's not
(08:37):
quite how it works, especially when it comes to trust,
because people will break your trust in a million different ways,
even not in the most hurtful, but even small little
moments every day, and that means you have to constantly
believe in the good in them while also understanding that
you can trust them. So maybe that little phrase can
(08:57):
help in that situation for your life, to believe in trust.
But I do believe so much of trust comes from
honoring the belief that we are good, and so if
we are good, somebody else must be good too, and
that does exist. I'm a witness to it, and I'm
somebody who is living in it right now. And that
(09:22):
was along the same other time of this question, because
somebody else asked, how do you trust yourself to find
real love after an abusive relationship? And I'm gonna be
so honest with you, guys. After my emotionally physically abusive relationship,
I spent three years by myself. I maybe went on
(09:43):
a handful of dates, but I really was dating pretty destructively.
I wasn't dating with intent to find somebody. I was
more dating to hope that there was other good people
in the world, but I wasn't really finding it. I
wasn't really healthy in that space because I was still
hurting and I was still in fight or flight. So
for three years after that relationship, I spent a really
(10:07):
good chunk of time being pretty destructive to the things
that I typically believe in, want to see, and do
in my life when it comes to relationships. But about
halfway through that is when I really started to see
the healing process come into place, and I was working
on understanding that same phrase that somebody had told me
(10:31):
of if you're good in this world, then there must
be other good in the world. And that sent me
on a different trajectory to see that there could be
other things out there beyond trusting somebody, beyond dating somebody,
there is still hope that there's a love out there
(10:52):
that could be for me when the time is right
for me to be healed. And I knew that time
wasn't soon, So I really had to work on that
inner relationship with myself of trusting myself again. Honestly, that
was that first step of any of it, was trusting
myself to make the right decisions to I really believed
(11:14):
after that relationship that I didn't make good decisions and
that I chose somebody horrible for me. So how could
I be trusted myself? Like I went from not trusting
anybody to also then not trusting myself. Can you imagine
the turmoil that puts on your emotional status in life.
And I had to repair that relationship first, and I
(11:37):
had to understand the roles that I played but also
the roles that I didn't play, and give myself more
grace than I really was giving. So trusting myself became
one of the hardest battles after that relationship, Well, once
I regained that then it was like home free. From there,
I started to really understand the relationship I had with
(12:00):
myself and how that impacted the relationships outside. So true
love is available for everyone. In real true love, I'm
not talking about the kind where you think about an
abusive relationship and they're incredibly toxic, where they're also intoxicating.
You feel one way and then you're pushed in another direction.
It's like this giant push pull thing. I'm talking about
(12:21):
real true love that makes you feel safe and calm,
and it's not a tornado. It's actually like a wave
at the beach that is soothing you. That's what real
true love is. And you also have to understand that
those are different types of love, and the toxic one
is not the one that you want to spend the
(12:42):
rest of your life in. So reframing those relationships within
yourself will be huge for you to get to that
next step to even start to want to date again,
let alone opening up yourself to find the real love
that I think you know at the bottom of your
heart does exist. How long did it take you to
(13:03):
give your self permission to let your guard down after
meeting him, him referring to my fiance, mister b It
took me a long time. Honestly, there was still this
still a running joke between us, because I'm going to
say we were about six months into our relationship and
I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop,
(13:23):
and he was so wonderful that there was just so
much in the back of my mind sitting like this
is too good to be true. There's no way this
is who you are and when is it gonna change?
And it's really funny because the whole time when I
would say that, he would be like, I promised you,
I'm going to show you for the rest of your
life that this is exactly who I am and I'm
(13:44):
never gonna change. You're seeing me, this is me, this
is who you get. And he's been a wonderful reassurance
when I've had those moments. But it's funny because it
still exists. He would say often towards what I didn't
realize was him proposing. He'd be like, Okay, so if
I put like a ring on your finger, are you
(14:04):
gonna believe that I'm not gonna leave? Is that gonna
be the moment where you like realize I promise I'm
gonna stay. And I was like, maybe, I hope. So
we did the proposal and that night I was like, so,
I guess you really aren't leaving. Hun. He's like, I've
been trying to tell you that and in so many ways,
and I was like, I don't know. He's still cover
not married yet, and he's just like at me and
(14:24):
rolled his eyes. So I think there's always gonna be
a part of me that's afraid of people leaving. That's
really what it is, more than anything after everything I've
been through, is that one somebody's gonna hurt me in
a huge way, especially somebody I give my heart too,
because I do give my heart pretty freely. I'm a
(14:45):
very loving, empathetic person. So I just want to give
love because I want to receive love. And that's who
I am and I've always been. I've never shied away
from being that person. But I realize is now, even
being in this healthy, beautiful relationship, that there's always going
(15:05):
to be this inner piece of me, no matter how
much I've worked on her, no matter how much I've
given her safety and allowed her to feel good, again,
there's always going to be that inner piece of me
that thinks somebody's going to leave. And maybe that's also
just being human, because at the end of this life,
(15:27):
people do leave, and that's hard for me to reconcile
with a lot of the time too, So I don't
know that is ever truly going to go away. That
being said, having a partner who not only loves me
in his love languages, but understands me and mine and
(15:48):
how I need to be reassured and how I need
somebody to sometimes hold my hand and walk me through
things is a huge piece to this whole puzzle because
I had been with partners before who never done that
for me. I'd been doing it for them, but I
never had somebody who could safely allow me to even
(16:08):
be willing to let my guard down. There was always
a guard. There was always at the end of the day,
there was like this. My heart was in the tower.
I was protecting the heart, and the heart couldn't get out.
But with him now my heart is out freely, while
also still knowing that it could get broken one day
from the end of life, from life's cruelest intentions, unfortunately,
(16:34):
but he gave me the space and the ability to
understand that life with another person was worth me letting
my heart out of the tower. And it takes a
special human being to allow you to feel that way
after going through a bunch of things. So he really
(16:55):
was the one who has allowed me the permission to
do so, if you will, But a lot of it
was me and accepting that I was finally safe. Even
still when the moments are I give him a hard
time that he's going to leave me, but he won't
and I know that, or I wouldn't have said yes
to him, and I wouldn't have looked at rings with him.
(17:16):
He was the only guy I ever looked at rings
with because of how safe and secure that I felt,
And that was very telling all along. What about overcoming
anxiety when you're finally in a healthy relationship goes along
with what we're just talking about here, And I'll further
add that I actually think it's really healthy to be
(17:38):
anxious and nervous in a healthy new relationship, one because
it means that you're understanding this is a different situation,
and two because you're protecting yourself. At the end of
the day, we do have to look out for ourselves,
and we do have to protect ourselves. And there's plenty
of stories out there where somebody's a nice guy or
(17:59):
a nice one for six months, a year, a few years,
and then all of a sudden they're a completely different person.
So I think it's human behavior to be anxious and
to be worried and be concerned. But much like the
conversation I had to have with myself when I got
into the relationship with my fiance and we were about
six months in and we were starting to live together,
(18:23):
I had to have a conversation with myself and be like,
if you really want to pursue this, if you really
want this relationship to work, then you have to allow
him the chance to make it work. I couldn't keep
putting up the walls and I couldn't keep creating my
(18:43):
safe boundary and my tower of my heart if I
wanted the love and relationship that I truly desired. And
he had given me so many signs and so many
green flags and so many great moments to believe in him.
He showed me his consistency, He showed me the security,
(19:05):
the safeness, He showed me everything I needed to know,
and the only thing that was stopping me from really
embracing the relationship was me. And I think that's an
important piece to this, is that you when you feel
those moments of safety, security, consistency, and you're seeing the
(19:26):
actions not just words because words mean nothing, but when
you're seeing the actions play out in real time and
this person is consistently the same human being, not just
with you, but with friends and with family, then you
really do have to have that conversation with yourself and
say why am I standing in my own way? And
that's when you can start breaking down those barriers in
(19:47):
those walls. And it's not going to be a you
don't take a sledgehammer to it. Honestly, you take an
ice pick and you just chip a few out, a
little bit at a time, and then one day you
wake up and holy crap, you've sledgehammer the whole wall
with an ice pick. So it will come in waves
and in moments, but you do have to get honest
with yourself when the time comes. If it's new, you're
still learning, you're still understanding, but when the time comes
(20:10):
and you'll know your body knows, your heart knows, have
that conversation so you can start to move forward. Oh,
let's get into this A Hi, love this question. How
do you stop looking for it? I'm content single, but
still find myself searching. Oh this is so tough. Okay,
let me say this first and foremost. Because everybody loves
(20:32):
to say when they get into a relationship and tell
singles and tell the people in their life who don't
have their person, they say, when you stop looking, it
will find you. Let's cut that narrative really quick, because
while there is truth to that, the reality of telling
someone to stop looking for the one thing that their
(20:54):
heart desires is not going to help anybody. So let's
reframe this and instead I'm going to stay stop controlling.
I was a master controller in a lot of ways
in my life. I really love to know what's going
to happen. I love to control the situation. I like
(21:14):
to be in controlled environments again because it made me
feel safe. It wasn't controlling in the word that that
has become associated in all the negative terms. I just
really like to have control of things because it allowed
me to feel safety and security after a lot of
things that I'd been through. So I like to even
take control. I would get on dating apps and be like, Okay,
(21:35):
I'm going to set myself up for three dates this week.
I'm going to control the fact that I'm going to
go out three nights this week, or I'm going to
make sure when I go out tonight that I talked
to at least one person. I was always controlling the
situation in one way or another, sometimes a little looser,
sometimes a little bit more strict. But I was trying
to control the path that I was on because it
(21:57):
allowed me to heal. It was really great for a
period of my life because it did help me, and
it did save me in a lot of ways, and
it saved me from certain situations, but it did also
potentially hurt me had I not let go of the
reins and instead of not looking, because inherently, again human nature,
(22:19):
you're gonna look. You're gonna go out to a grocery store,
you're gonna go to a gym, and you're gonna look
at people and say, oh, they're cute. Oh I might
want to talk to them. You should, that's normal, and
you should act on those things. That's also putting yourself
out there. But more than that, it's stop controlling what
(22:39):
could happen. And I think The moment when I finally
let go of the reins was truly the weekend that
my girlfriends were in town. Everything transpired at the same time.
Within that week. The weekend before, i'd just been talking
to a friend and I had had this light bulb
(22:59):
moment of realization where oh my gosh, I know exactly
what I needed a partner. I finally figured it out.
Because that's what dating is all about, is finding the
partner that you want. It's finding the qualities that you
enjoy and the things that you're looking for. And I
had finally figured out the piece that I'd missed all
along was that I'd want somebody with a similar heart
(23:22):
to mine. I wanted somebody with really great emotional intelligence
and empathy and compassion. And I was really finding a
lot of lackluster and that in dating. But once that
light bulb moment hit, it was almost like I just
kind of put my hands up and was like, now
that I have my answer, Now that I controlled everything
(23:43):
that I could control, this is no longer anything I
can do about. I had to genuinely raise my hands
up and say, Okay, deep bra, We're just gonna go
through life and see what happens from here because I
found my answer. I did everything that I could possibly
do to find my person, and so it was no
(24:06):
longer the role that I needed to play in my life.
And when I let go of those rains is when
everything changed, and shortly after is when I met my
now fiance, and it had so much to do with that.
So I'm not going to tell you to stop looking.
I think you should keep looking. If you see somebody
out and you want to talk to him, if you
(24:27):
want to give your phone number, you want to go
on a date on a daynap, do it. That doesn't
mean you're all of a sudden not looking. I think
what you do need to do, though, in most cases,
is let go of the rains and stop doing so much,
stop controlling so much, just enjoy your life, be in
the present moment and accept what is going to come.
(24:50):
And the right person is never going to miss you.
And I know, even me saying that is easier said
than done. But I don't want you to stop looking.
I don't think that's how this works. A different way
to that. I might get some blowback on that, but
that's how I feel, and in that same vein is
how to stay present in singleness. It's so hard to
(25:11):
not get discouraged while dating, and truthfully, I understand that
there was so many moments of my life, especially in
my twenties, where I would just be sitting on my
kitchen floor and start crying randomly, what is happening to me?
Because I felt like I was behind Right, I looked
at a lot of my friends from college, and I
(25:34):
shouldn't say a lot of them, all of them, the
ones that I had lived with in college, every single
one of them was married. They were on kid one,
kid two, kid three. And then there was me and
I was still single. I hadn't even found anybody. I
was thriving in other ways, but I really felt like
I was behind the eight ball in so many different categories,
(25:57):
and so there were several moments that I felt this,
But truly, when I letting go of those reins was
really the moment where I felt so much freedom in
being single. But more than that, in that last year, truly,
I would say like I was really trying my best
(26:20):
to just do things that made me happy. Really like,
at the end of the day, I stopped trying to
focus on what I didn't have and really focus on
what I did have. I had my incredible pets who
I absolutely adore, and I'd take Remy on hikes and
we'd go on trips with our friends, or I'd go
(26:41):
and try a new hobby, or I'd pick up a
different cooking. I cooked a lot, and so much of
what I found in that was doing things that I loved.
Allowed me to stay more in the present moment. Because
I had so much love around me, how could I
possibly be focused on the one love that I didn't have.
(27:02):
And it really helped majority of the time. I'm not
gonna lie to you and say it helped every single time.
There was still moments. There were still wedding invites that
I got that was like a blow to the chest
or a post on social media, and then your whole
feed is babies and engagements, and then there's you. I'm
not going to tell you that it works every single time,
(27:23):
but I am going to tell you that it helped.
Not only did it help me in those moments to
know that I had other things and know that I
had plenty of love in my life, but it also
allowed me to be the person who I was meant
to be before my partner came in my life. That
was the advantage that I had. I had the privilege
to be the person who was last in my society
(27:46):
and last in my community to get engaged and find
that person, because it took that long to find the
right person. And I'm so glad that I waited, because
the right person. Gosh, if I, oh my goodness, if
I got engaged or married to anybody that I had
dated before, you wouldn't see the same girl sitting here today.
(28:08):
And there's a reason for that. So rushing any of
that process is also not going to get you the
result that you want. And also knowing that helped. I
don't know about you, but I knew plenty of couples
who were really happy and very much in love, and
I knew plenty of couples who weren't. And I knew
that I wanted to be one of those couples that
(28:29):
was very much in love and happy years later, and
that was my goal at the end of the day.
So I wasn't in a rush to make sure I'm
on the other side of that and be the couple
that was unhappy just because I needed to get married.
So that thought also helped me in a lot of
those moments. But more than anything, just find things that
(28:51):
you love, do things that make you happy, and surround
yourself with other kinds of love because other kinds of
love exist. And we're also speaking of dating, So let's
talk about that first date. What do you do on
a first date? Do you get dressed up? How do
you be? Because you did hear me say you need
to be exactly yourself? Now we'll say I did not
(29:11):
show up on my first dates looking like a grimlin
like I normally do, or in my daily uniform, and
I very much wish I would have on several of those,
but I didn't. I did at least try to look
my best, because presentation does matter. I don't think you
need to overdo anything. I think you should still be
exactly who you are. Like you're seeing me right now,
(29:32):
this is what I would wear on a date. If
you're watching this on YouTube or on social media, this
is what I would wear on a date. And I
think an outfit like this is great. I also think
if you want to wear yoga pants and sweats, then
you should do that, because again, the right person is
never going to pass you up, even if you're wearing
yoga pants and sweats. Heck, I don't know how many
people I'd meet when I'd be wearing onesies out at
(29:54):
the bars, when I'd just want to be comfy. Wear
whatever you want, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable
and makes you feel feel the most confident. But beyond
that for a first date, I don't stick to any
of these rules that then usually go on a dinner
for a first date, or you must do drinks or
go for a walk or get ice cream. There's honestly
no perfect first date. First dates are awkward. It doesn't
(30:18):
matter what you do. The first date is going to
be awkward. You may have great conversation and once you
get into it, but leading up to that and the
moment of getting there and the moments of anything happening,
it's awkward. You're meeting a new human for the first time,
probably because you met them online or if you're lucky,
you met them in person, and you're actually meeting the
real version of them versus the person that you met
(30:38):
out in real life. They're awkward, They're uncomfortable, and you
just have to accept that and then from there do
again for the date. What makes you feel comfortable. If
it's getting coffee or getting a drink, then do that.
If you really want to have dinner, do that. I'm
gonna tell you. Also, eating on a first date very awkward.
I don't know how many times I would order things
and be happy because I was trying to take little
(30:59):
fingie by want to not get anything in my teeth,
and two because I was trying to talk at the
same time. So it's all awkward. If you embrace that awkwardness,
it does help. I wasn't very good at that. I
was actually terrible at embracing awkwardness. I really hate uncomfortable situations.
So you'd see a lot of what you're hearing and
watching right now where I just talk a whole bunch
(31:21):
because filling the void makes me feel better. There's not
really a typical one, but maybe that helped you embrace
what dating is. It's also fun, right, I often said
when I was dating, you'd do it for the plot.
Those stories live with me for the rest of my life.
On the hundreds of first dates that I went on,
they have lived within me and they'll live through me
(31:41):
for the rest of my life. So at least she
got stories to tell. Speaking of getting into partners when
you start dating. This person asked how to become more
communicative with my partner. I have issues handling it all myself. Honestly,
it shouldn't be all yourself. If you're trying to communicate
with your partner, you should both be in that digs
two to tango. You know that old saying you should
(32:03):
both be communicating with each other. But I think if
you were not a communicative partnership to begin with, then
you have to open up the lines of communication. You
got to start somewhere, right, So go to your partner.
I'm hoping it's a safe situation where you can go
to them and say, hey, I really want to start
having these conversations and I want to address stuff and
(32:26):
have open communication moving forward. But you have to open
that line of communication first. You can't expect somebody to
read your mind, so you do have to set the precedent,
and once the precedent is that, then hopefully the communication follows.
And I'm just going to tell you right now at
the end of the day, like it's just with anything
you should do in life, you have to be your
(32:47):
own advocate. You have to be the representative of yourself,
and if you're not doing it, who is. I know
that it's difficult to tell people multiple things over and
over again to hope that they got it after the
first try. But communication, partnership is so much more than that,
and it's understanding that the other person that you're with
(33:10):
is supposed to be your partner, your team partner. You're
supposed to do things together. And if you're always saying
things and hoping for them to understand it or they
don't get it, then you get frustrated. It's not going
to end up working in the way that you hoped.
Because if you look at a football team, right, Okay,
I've been having to watch so much football this past year.
(33:32):
If you look at a football team, what happens when
they don't communicate with each other. It's a disaster and
you ended up yelling at the tv. Right. The same
thing happens in relationships. If you guys are on eighteen
different pages, you think you're going to get a touchdown,
you think good things are gonna come from that, it
won't because it's about being a team and working together
(33:54):
to fight the enemy, which could be the problem that
you guys are having at the end of the day.
Even if you guys are on opposing sides of a problem,
you're on the same team. So how can you come
together and understanding that is a huge part of working
on that communication with your partner, But it starts with
opening a line and being an advocate for you and
(34:17):
for your partner. I had to do this a lot
in my relationship with my fiance in the beginning, because
he had been taught not to talk about things. He
had been taught in previous relationships that they didn't want
to hear how he felt or what he was experiencing
on a day to day basis, or what his work
life was like. And I was like, I'm gonna cut
(34:38):
you off right there, because that's not how this is
going to work. I want you to tell me how
your day went. I want you to tell me how
you're feeling. I want you to tell me if I
pissed you off. I need you to communicate over communicate
in fact, and we'll even have check ins with each other,
Like we had a massive ice storm that just happened
in Nashville, and after the whole thing happened, we sat
(35:01):
down together and we finally were like in the house
after days without power, staying in a hotel, emergency VET visits,
and just a whole combination of crazy things, and we
were finally warm in our house and we just kind
of looked at each other and was like, that was crazy,
But also did I show up okay for you in that?
(35:22):
How did we do as a partnership in that? And
asking those kind of questions is a game changer because
neither of us really had anything to share. We were
both really appreciative of each other, and we both did
well to work as that unit. But more than anything,
it was just even having the ability to share if
(35:43):
something was wrong. It was me creating the space, him
creating the space for there to be a safe and
open line of communication. I keep saying open line of communication.
I feel like a telephone reporter or something. But hopefully
that helps get you on a journey that communication can
be a front runner in your relationship because it is important.
(36:06):
I used to say it's the number one most important
thing because I felt like it was, but I would
say it's probably top five. Communication is a game changer.
If you're not talking to your partner, then who is
all right? We're going to get into the older girlies,
as somebody called it. She said, don't forget us older
girlies who are divorced and still trying to find the
(36:26):
right love, and then continues, We've got how to figure
out what love is again in my middle fifties and
is it worth it? And then you've got somebody who's
single seven and a half years, she's forty four and
over the apps. How can I put myself out there
to meet people in that same line? How do you
open yourself to opportunities to meet men? So all in
(36:47):
the same category. But first of all, I'm going to
say this right now, I'm not at that later stage
of my life yet, so I can't fully attest to it.
But getting engaged at thirty two to me and like
incredibly late in life at the time, like when this
is all happening, I'm like, oh dang. Like I mentioned,
I have friends who are on their third baby by now,
(37:07):
and look at me, I'm just now getting engaged. So
society loves to tell us our timelines and tell us
when and where we should do things, but the realities,
that's not how life works. And at the end of
the day, everybody has their own journey, their own path,
their own story that they're creating, and your timeline is
(37:29):
inherently yours, and you are the only one who gets
to decide when and where something happens, and if it's
going to happen, and if you want it to happen.
I believe fully that love can exist in every single decade,
with multiple different types of people in ages. I don't
(37:51):
think love just happens when you're twenty or when you're
twenty five or when you're thirty. I think love is
all around us all the time. If I believe that,
then I'll be no good to sit here and say, oh,
you can't find it now. No, heck, yeah, you're gonna
find it now. In fact, you're probably gonna find the
thing that you've always been looking for that it just
took you longer to find that right person, maybe because
(38:11):
you're waiting, maybe because you're being pickier, maybe because you
have high standards, all of which are incredibly great things.
Mind you, the world would love to tell you differently,
but that's not true. And maybe you've been married before
and you got divorced, or maybe you had kids in
life happened. There's so many different factors when you start
to talk about love later in life, but I just
(38:33):
need you to know. And I'm only referring to it
as later in life because I don't know how to
specify different decades just later than the life that I'm
in right now. But love will absolutely happen for you
if you want it to happen. I was having this
conversation with a friend where she was really talking about
(38:55):
how she wanted to have kids, and she felt like
it was getting too late and she wasn't sure if
she was going to be able to and what that
looked like, and she wasn't finding people who were really
giving her that option. If you will, And I remember
saying to her that if it's something you really want,
(39:16):
then your story, your journey, your path is going to
make it happen. I don't know that's going to make
it happen in the way that you believe it should happen,
but it will make it happen. And I still wholeheartedly
believe that. And things have worked out for her in
a multitude of different ways. But so much of what
we love to control is based on things that people
(39:38):
told us. That you should get married when you're twenty one,
and you should stay married for the rest of your life,
and you should have five babies, and you should have
a white pick of fens, and make sure you buy
the giant mansion, and YadA, YadA, YadA. It was ingrained
into all of us. But the truth is, whatever you
want in your life, you have the ability to make
it happen at the end of the day, with life,
(40:00):
with love, with careers, with anything, and if it's something
that you really truly in your heart desire, you will
find a way to make it happen one way or another.
Whether it's fate or your spiritual beliefs or whatever, it's
going to happen. And I very much believe that to
be true for all of my older girlies who are
(40:24):
still trying to find their love and putting yourself out
there is difficult, especially if you've been burned before. But
more than that, I'll say, in general, you have to
take your face out of your phone if you want
to meet people in the world. There's two things I
would do. Get your face out of your phone when
you're out and about if you're at the grocery store,
if you're at the gym, if you're on a walk,
(40:45):
if you're who knows what you're doing, but don't be
on your phone. Be open to the world around you.
Be open to your surroundings. You never know the kind
of conversations you can have if you're just present when
you're out in the world. Two, make sure that you
are open minded to the type of person that might
(41:05):
find you. I'm not talking about your standards. Do not
lower them. I will never ever tell you to lower
a standard. But be open to the type of person
that you've created in your head, because more often than not,
that is not what's coming. And I'm not saying my
fiance wasn't. He's the perfect person I could have asked for,
but I don't know that he was the exact image
(41:28):
of what I created, and he came in a much
better package than I could have ever asked for. So
be open minded to what you think you want in
that capacity, and then be present out in the world.
And I think those are two ways. Also, do things
you love. I'll preach that all day long, because not
only is it good for you and your own life,
(41:50):
but doing things you love allow you to meet other
people doing things that they love. So whether that's rock
climbing or painting or making pottery. I don't care, but
go and do it, because you may just meet somebody
in those circumstances. Those are all tips. I would have
to be out into the world and meeting people, and
(42:12):
this further goes down. I've had two serious relationships. I'm
thirty one, will third time being my prince charming. I
freaking hope so for you. Heck, I hope everybody gets
to find their prince charming now and if not now,
then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, the next day. I
won that for all of you guys. But I do
think putting pressure on the next person being prince charming
(42:34):
at the end of the day will make it harder
for that to be your prince charming. You know, I
think I did that narrative for a while when I
was Hi gosh a couple of years ago, and I
was like, Okay, the next one he's gonna be it.
I'm not going to date anybody until I know that
they're it, and I put that pressure on myself. You
(42:54):
want to know what happened. He wasn't it. He wasn't it.
So I wouldn't put press sure on anything to believe
that this next one has to be it, because then
you might end up in the wrong relationship and you
might end up with the wrong prince charmy. So do
not enter into anything with this solid belief that whether
I'm gonna date this person, I'm gonna marry this person,
(43:16):
we're gonna have babies. Do not enter and do anything
that way. You need to enter into things with an
open mind, clear eyes, full heart, scan loos, and an
open minded ability to see what's in front of you
and what could be in front of you and the potential,
(43:36):
rather than envisioning what you think is perfect. So just
put that right there. Talking about some friendships now feeling
like all friendships are surface level, even with longtime friends.
There's this part of me that realized, as I've gotten
older that I think this is a lot more common
(43:57):
than we love to say. Right, being an adult is hard.
First of all, it's hard to be an adult, and
they don't ever really prepare you for it anywhere on
the long line of places that they send us when
we're kids. But more than that, being an adult and
trying to have a career and have a relationship and
(44:18):
build a life for yourself and be social and get
enough sleep and be healthy there's a lot of work,
So your friendships becoming surface level, even your longtime ones,
is normal. I'm not saying you have to live with
it that way, but it is normal because you've become busy,
(44:40):
they've become busy, and then it just feels like checking
in randomly and oh, I'll see you maybe in a
couple months. But there is somebody who've had on this podcast,
she said something that I really loved, and she was
talking about community, and she said, if you want to
have community, then you have to embrace be inconvenienced. And
(45:02):
I sat with that a while because I was like, dang,
being inconvenience really stucks when you're adult. I'm not gonna lie.
There's a lot of things there, but there's so much
truth to it, right, Like, it's hard to keep friendships
when you're older, especially if you have kids, especially if
you're in a relationship, especially if XYZ you got a
(45:22):
demanding job. Add it to the list of things. It's
hard to sustain friendships. And that's why having community can
be inconvenient, and you should inconvenience yourself to have community.
So I would look into those friendships one see, are
you putting in a lot of work and they're not,
then that's a different conversation. See if none of you
(45:44):
are putting in work, then that's also a different topic.
But if you're the person in this who isn't inconveniencing
yourself to have those friendships, there might be something that
you can adjust to make those friendships not feel surface
level anymore. You really have to find ways to incorporate
(46:05):
friendship in your daily life. Everybody deserves to have friends
and have friendship. You should have friends in friendship outside
of your relationships and your career and everything. They're incredibly
important to your well being, and you might have to
find new ways that those friendships exist. Right there's one
friend who I will go and run errands with, will
go and shop and do the things we need to
(46:26):
both do together, and that's how we catch up and
we both get things done. Or I have friends that
I'll go walking with because we're all trying to get
healthy and we do that. I've had friends that I
cook with because I want to cook healthier meals, and
I've incorporated those friendships further into my life that way.
Or we'll set a date for game night four weeks
(46:48):
in advance, because I need to make sure it's on
my calendar, but I'm always still making it a priority
whenever I possibly can manage. So I would look at
those friendships, are you guys both on this level of
we can't be in convenience to sustain these friendships or
is it one or the other and really evaluate the situation.
(47:09):
But I would encourage anybody, especially this day and age,
because it's really easy. Trust me, it's really easy. I
really love staying home. I like staying in my sweats
and sitting on the couch and not doing anything. It
feels really good. But that being said, there's the other
day when something random popped up for my fiancee and
I to go and meet up with friends, and I
(47:32):
was just having myself a day with it because I
was stressed out. I had a long week, and I
was like, I don't want to do anything. I really
was mentally already in a place where I was on
the couch for the remainder of the night, and I'm
not gonna lie to you. I bitched about it a lot.
I was probably not a very pleasant person in that moment,
but literally the words that came out of my mouth
as I'm about to have to get ready. I was like, no,
(47:54):
because community means being inconvenience, and I need to be
inconvenienced right now because as I can, because I'm in
a position that I can be in convenience, and that's
not always the case. I'm not don't ever put that
in a place where it needs to not be right.
You're going through stuff and there's a whole lot of
life happening. Then this is not applying to that. There's nuance,
(48:15):
of course, but if you're like me and you were
sitting on the couch and you weren't doing anything, then yeah,
I deserve to be inconvenience in that moment so I
could show up and be a friend. Because I want
to have friends, I also have to show up and
be a friend. So there's a lesson I learned in
all of that. Maybe that can help you, in a
way understand what's happening with your friendships and then figure
(48:37):
out what role you need to play to either help
them or maybe make new friends, because that's a part
of this too. Then we got a mom that's on
the other side of this. She's a new stay at
home mom after working twenty years and she's trying to
find herself. I am never going to pretend to understand
the things moms have to go through on any level,
(48:59):
on postpartum, on having a child, on working or not working,
or I'm never possibly going to understand it. But I
do think there's an important conversation here to be had
because oftentimes moms unfortunately lose their identity within their kids,
not because they're not a good mom, because they're actually
a really great mom, because that's what is required of them.
(49:23):
Oftentimes to give a child a beautiful life, you lose
who you are and you try your best to give
them everything that they need, so you get put on
the back burner. So I would imagine the reverse is
happening here where you've been working for twenty years and
now you're at home, and there's this kind of identity
(49:43):
shift that's happening in this moment where you're like, is
this truly what I want? Did I make the right decision?
And at the end of the day, when you're making
any kind of big decision where life is changing one
because change is uncomfortable. Hate change. Humans hate change. That's
what we are. We like to be creatures of habit
(50:04):
And I'm guilty of it, the next person's guilty of it.
Creature of habit is easy and it's comfortable, and I'm
never gonna be mad at somebody for staying in something
that's comfortable. But doing something so different, especially after twenty years,
is brave and it's empowering in a way. Hopefully there's
(50:25):
a weight off your shoulders that you didn't know existed.
Often when change comes, good follows because if you were
brave enough to make the big change, there was a
reason for it, and that reason for it is going
to reward you. So while I understand you're in this
new identity, just changeover of trying to understand what this means,
(50:47):
I hope you give yourself the grace to know that
you're brave enough to make that change for whatever reason,
for whatever you needed to do for your family. And
I do hope you find yourself. I hope you find
love within yourself. Maybe being a stay at home mom
is going to give you a little bit more time
for yourself in different ways. Maybe it's gonna show up
in finding different friendships that you didn't know that you needed.
(51:09):
This new phase of your life could be the change
that you've been looking for twenty years and you just
didn't know it. I also think it's important to grieve
your past life. You know that the twenty years you
spent working, because it sounds like you loved what you
were doing if you did it for twenty years. So
I do think there's a grieving that needs to happen
where you let go of that. And maybe you are
(51:31):
letting go temporarily. Maybe it's only for a short time.
Maybe life's gonna reward you with something different than what
you expected. Who knows, but I do think you grieve
and understand that was a big chunk of your life
that was really important to you. And there's nothing wrong
with you having something really important in your life. Then
your family. It's also cool that you had a job
(51:52):
that you loved that's also awesome, and you were working. Mom.
You're probably kicking ass out there. So maybe those are
things that to hear. There's so many awesome ones in here,
and I'm gonna end on this one, the importance of
waiting for the right man. So I'm a big believer
in this in friendships and relationships, really, in any relationship
(52:15):
that you choose to have in your life, because you
are who you surround yourself with. Your entire life is
impacted by the people in your life. How you view
the world, how you see your surroundings, your mental health,
your physical health, your emotional well being, all that's impacted
by the people you surround yourself with. And that's why
(52:37):
I'm a full believer in keeping your standards and be
picky about who you let into your life. I think
those are really important things. And understanding why you've chosen
those people to be a part of your life also matters.
It's wild to think anybody would allow somebody in such
a vulnerable place in their life right as the role
(53:00):
of a partner, without truly believing that this person can
do everything you possibly need to happen when the time comes.
Because if you truly think about it, your partner is
going to see you through the death of your parents,
maybe even of your grandparents, maybe of pets that you have.
They're going to see you grieve job losses, They're going
(53:23):
to see you go through many of life's tumultuous things
that you're going to experience. This partner has to show
up for all of that. That's what the requirement is
when you're entering a relationship. That's what you're agreeing to
is to be a teammate. And I can't possibly fathom
(53:49):
why anybody would want a teammate at the end of
the day that can't sustain and be the support system
that they absolutely need in all those scenarios. I know
how it happens. I know that life happens, and I
know that there's incredible circumstances where you end up with
(54:09):
somebody that wasn't the plan, or you meet someone and
you thought something and then they turned out to be different.
But once you know that, you got to find a
way to do better. Right, You've got to find a
way to find this person, because choosing the right teammate
for the rest of your life is one of the
(54:29):
biggest decisions you get to make. It's one of the
things that you do have control over. Right, there's fate,
and there's spiritual beliefs, and there's all kinds of things.
When it comes to meeting the person, everybody says this
and that way of how it happens, But you get
to decide if you're with that person for the rest
of your life upon meeting them, and you should choose
(54:52):
the person who's going to do everything to make you
feel loved and cared for and supported, safe and secure.
That is what it's all about. That's what matters. And
you should feel about your partner in any situation, bad
or good. Just like if you were to pick up
(55:14):
your phone and call your best friend to fill them
in on the news, that's how you should feel about
your partner. You should feel excited and comfortable and not
afraid to tell them anything, and not afraid that if
something's going to happen that they're not going to have
your back, or they're not going to support you, or
(55:34):
they're not going to show up in the way that
you need them to show up. Not just show up,
but show up in the way that you need them to.
Because love is the only thing we get really in
this life at the end of the day, that's the
price that we pay for living is love. And choosing
(55:56):
the right love, choosing the love that gives us everything
that we do, is of the utmost importance, and it's
truly one of the only choices you get in this life.
There's a lot of things we truly don't get to decide.
We don't get to decide when we come into the world.
We don't get to choose where we're born, or how
(56:18):
it all happens, or what school we go to. None
of that's really our choice, right. Heck, even life demands
different things of us. So really a lot of circumstances
in life are not truly chosen. But the one thing
you do get to choose is your partner. Is the
person that you're going to choose to spend the rest
of your life with. And why wouldn't you choose someone
(56:42):
who makes you feel like when you're on a titanic
and your arms are wide open and you're screaming, I'm
on the top of the world. Why would you not
want that? That's what love's supposed to be. That's what
it's supposed to feel like. And if you're listening to
this and if you're in anything other than that, help
you do something about it. Maybe start having uncomfortable conversations,
(57:06):
maybe you leave a relationship, maybe you start seeing the
value that you bring to this life. I love the
quote there are so many mediocre things in life. Love
should not be one of them. I am a huge
believer in that. I'm a huge believer in love, and
(57:27):
I'm a huge believer that love exists all around us
all the time, and that's why I did this episode.
And I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope you
got something from it. Maybe you're like, well, this is
a crazy person. I don't know, but I do enjoy
talking to you, guys. I enjoy talking to a camera.
And hope that one of these moments can help you
(57:49):
on a trajectory to change your life, because at the
end of the day, that's all that matters. That's all
we got. We got ourselves, and I got you, you
got me, we got each other. I think that should
be a song. Kind of is a song. It's like
the Barney song. It's all on my mind right now.
But thank you guys for being here, Thanks for listening,
enjoying this episode. Go with love, Go enjoy the world,
(58:13):
be present, be open minded. If you're dating, there's hope
there is the person out there that you're looking for.
If you're in a marriage, keep fighting for that marriage
if you love it so much, and find ways to
make that marriage even better. And if it's a friendship
you're after, then be a friend to have a friend.
And if it's family, I hope you find the love
(58:38):
within the family that you're looking for, and that is
where I leave you. I love you all. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pules, it's time for the episode that's all about love,
and not just the kind of love you're thinking of.
We of course are going to talk about relationships and
true love, but more than that, it's friendship, love, family love,
self love. Because the real thing is love is all
(00:35):
around us, and if you haven't figured that out by now,
you may need a little bit more work than just
this podcast. I did have people send in a bunch
of things because relationships do surround us, and how love
is in our lives and how it impacts our lives
is so important. And that's why I decided to start
out our love series where I just talk about a
(00:58):
lot of things that you guys want to talk about,
because this is again all for you guys. The whole
point of doing this podcast is so I can connect
with you guys. We can connect with each other, and
we make things a little less difficult in our lives.
That's always the hope. I'm keeping all of this anonymous
because so many people are sharing vulnerable moments of their life.
Love is vulnerable, Love is difficult. So I'm not going
(01:21):
to put anybody on blasts with their names, but I
do want to share their stories and their questions and
all kinds of things too. We're going to kick things
off talking about trust and authenticity in relationships. I had
(01:42):
this person reach out because they're going through therapy and
this is the next phase of their therapy chapter where
they're focusing on relationships. And it's so interesting because so
much of what we're taught about relationships is you gotta
communicate and find the right partner and everything will work
(02:02):
itself out. But honestly, that's so much harder than just
saying that goes. Trust is hard, and being authentic and
who you are while showing up with a partner is
also really hard. If there's one thing I've realized in
all of my dating and the dates that have gone
on and just the other relationships that I've been in
(02:23):
over the course of my life, is that you can't
run off the person who's meant to be in your life.
You being you is supposed to welcome that person in
and give you a safe space to further be yourself.
If you're running people away from being exactly who you are,
then they aren't meant for you. That goes for any relationship,
(02:46):
but particularly your partnership, because if you can't be yourself,
be exactly who you are to every level, your weird
quirks and your funny flaws and yes, the bad qualities
that you have. Then it's it's not the right human
being because the right person in your life is not
going to scare easily. And you can say nearly anything.
(03:08):
Now I'm not talking anything horrible. If you're just a
horrible person, that's a different story altogether. But you can't
say the wrong thing to the right person. The right
person is going to love you exactly as you are.
And so when it comes to authenticity and relationships, it's
about being you and being comfortable with who you are.
(03:28):
It goes further than just wanting that person to love
you as you, but it's you wanting to love yourself
as you. I don't wholeheartedly believe that you need to
be completely fixed or have every wound healed to be
in a great relationship. In fact, a lot of the
work that you're going to need to do for yourself
is going to happen in a relationship. But you do
(03:51):
still have to show up in the relationship and be
somewhat in love with yourself. You have to be in
love with yourself, and that you're not going to tolerate
any bullshit. When we don't love ourselves or when we
don't understand how great we are or how capable we are,
then we're allowing somebody else to also not love us
(04:15):
to that degree. So how you show up and that
relationship is going to transpire. It's like your partner is
a mirror to you, right, They're the person who's going
to show you every innermost horrible pieces of yourself. And
if it's the right partner, that's a good thing. It
means you guys can work on that together and go
through life and understand things together. But if it's the
(04:37):
wrong partner, you're gonna know very quickly. So authenticity and
relationships matters. The way you love yourself matters entering into
that relationship. But more than anything, it's been exactly who
you're supposed to be. You shouldn't be trying to be
somebody else getting into a relationship. That's actually the worst
(04:59):
thing you can do. Putting on a first date is
the worst thing you can do because you're asking somebody
to love someone that doesn't exist, and that's not fair
for you or for them. So be you show up
who you are. Scars and all, and the right person
is going to stay regardless of all of those flaws
(05:20):
and those quirks, because if I can find somebody who
loves me with all of mine, I promise you that
you can. That does exist now in that same vein
that this person was particularly talking about was also trust,
and trust is something that's been incredibly difficult for me
over the really the entire course of my adult life.
(05:41):
It started when I was in high school and really
went through some horrible friendships, and those friendships, in turn
made me stop trusting people, and things that I experienced
with my older individuals or people who should be my
role models in my life also made me stop trusting
people in general, and so my trust in humans was
(06:05):
very low from a very young age and it only
continued into adulthood. I don't know if you guys have
seen the world today, but it's difficult to trust people.
It's difficult to believe that people are good, or that
they are inherently good or they will do good things.
We often see now that there's a lot of bad
and there's a lot hard in the world thanks to
(06:26):
social media. Now that doesn't mean I don't believe there
isn't still good in the world, Because there is, But
trust is hard, especially this day and age. Believing that
good people exist is hard. And I remember something so
so vividly, and I don't remember if it was my
therapist or my friend or who decided to tell me this,
(06:49):
but it was such a cool reflection and it really
made me think when I had no belief that there
was going to be another good person in the world,
I was told, you exist. So if you exist, how
could you not believe that there is good in the world.
(07:12):
And that started to rewrite my relationship with trust in people,
and I had to start learning to give people the
benefit of the doubt because that person was right, I
am good, So why should I believe that there isn't
other good out there? Just because I've had multiple interactions
with people who are bad and who have broken my
(07:33):
trust doesn't mean that I'm not going to have people
come into my path who aren't inherently good in the
ways that I had hoped. So that particular phrase started
to really reframe things in my mind and allow me
to believe that one, there was good in the world,
and two, because there's good in the world, there are
(07:54):
going to be people that I can trust, and it
doesn't mean it will be easy. There's still moments I'm
now engaged, and there's still moments in our relationship where
I have doubts of believing that this person could not
ever leave, or not cheat on me, or not do things,
because for fifteen years of my life, that's what I
(08:15):
believed in relationship, was that I was just gonna have
to deal with somebody cheating on me, and that's the
way it goes. And so I'm having to rewrite years
of this pain and broken trust even still today. It's not, unfortunately,
something that you just decide one day, Okay, I'm gonna
trust people, and then now, oh all good. That's not
(08:37):
quite how it works, especially when it comes to trust,
because people will break your trust in a million different ways,
even not in the most hurtful, but even small little
moments every day, and that means you have to constantly
believe in the good in them while also understanding that
you can trust them. So maybe that little phrase can
(08:57):
help in that situation for your life, to believe in trust.
But I do believe so much of trust comes from
honoring the belief that we are good, and so if
we are good, somebody else must be good too, and
that does exist. I'm a witness to it, and I'm
somebody who is living in it right now. And that
(09:22):
was along the same other time of this question, because
somebody else asked, how do you trust yourself to find
real love after an abusive relationship? And I'm gonna be
so honest with you, guys. After my emotionally physically abusive relationship,
I spent three years by myself. I maybe went on
(09:43):
a handful of dates, but I really was dating pretty destructively.
I wasn't dating with intent to find somebody. I was
more dating to hope that there was other good people
in the world, but I wasn't really finding it. I
wasn't really healthy in that space because I was still
hurting and I was still in fight or flight. So
for three years after that relationship, I spent a really
(10:07):
good chunk of time being pretty destructive to the things
that I typically believe in, want to see, and do
in my life when it comes to relationships. But about
halfway through that is when I really started to see
the healing process come into place, and I was working
on understanding that same phrase that somebody had told me
(10:31):
of if you're good in this world, then there must
be other good in the world. And that sent me
on a different trajectory to see that there could be
other things out there beyond trusting somebody, beyond dating somebody,
there is still hope that there's a love out there
(10:52):
that could be for me when the time is right
for me to be healed. And I knew that time
wasn't soon, So I really had to work on that
inner relationship with myself of trusting myself again. Honestly, that
was that first step of any of it, was trusting
myself to make the right decisions to I really believed
(11:14):
after that relationship that I didn't make good decisions and
that I chose somebody horrible for me. So how could
I be trusted myself? Like I went from not trusting
anybody to also then not trusting myself. Can you imagine
the turmoil that puts on your emotional status in life.
And I had to repair that relationship first, and I
(11:37):
had to understand the roles that I played but also
the roles that I didn't play, and give myself more
grace than I really was giving. So trusting myself became
one of the hardest battles after that relationship, Well, once
I regained that then it was like home free. From there,
I started to really understand the relationship I had with
(12:00):
myself and how that impacted the relationships outside. So true
love is available for everyone. In real true love, I'm
not talking about the kind where you think about an
abusive relationship and they're incredibly toxic, where they're also intoxicating.
You feel one way and then you're pushed in another direction.
It's like this giant push pull thing. I'm talking about
(12:21):
real true love that makes you feel safe and calm,
and it's not a tornado. It's actually like a wave
at the beach that is soothing you. That's what real
true love is. And you also have to understand that
those are different types of love, and the toxic one
is not the one that you want to spend the
(12:42):
rest of your life in. So reframing those relationships within
yourself will be huge for you to get to that
next step to even start to want to date again,
let alone opening up yourself to find the real love
that I think you know at the bottom of your
heart does exist. How long did it take you to
(13:03):
give your self permission to let your guard down after
meeting him, him referring to my fiance, mister b It
took me a long time. Honestly, there was still this
still a running joke between us, because I'm going to
say we were about six months into our relationship and
I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop,
(13:23):
and he was so wonderful that there was just so
much in the back of my mind sitting like this
is too good to be true. There's no way this
is who you are and when is it gonna change?
And it's really funny because the whole time when I
would say that, he would be like, I promised you,
I'm going to show you for the rest of your
life that this is exactly who I am and I'm
(13:44):
never gonna change. You're seeing me, this is me, this
is who you get. And he's been a wonderful reassurance
when I've had those moments. But it's funny because it
still exists. He would say often towards what I didn't
realize was him proposing. He'd be like, Okay, so if
I put like a ring on your finger, are you
(14:04):
gonna believe that I'm not gonna leave? Is that gonna
be the moment where you like realize I promise I'm
gonna stay. And I was like, maybe, I hope. So
we did the proposal and that night I was like, so,
I guess you really aren't leaving. Hun. He's like, I've
been trying to tell you that and in so many ways,
and I was like, I don't know. He's still cover
not married yet, and he's just like at me and
(14:24):
rolled his eyes. So I think there's always gonna be
a part of me that's afraid of people leaving. That's
really what it is, more than anything after everything I've
been through, is that one somebody's gonna hurt me in
a huge way, especially somebody I give my heart too,
because I do give my heart pretty freely. I'm a
(14:45):
very loving, empathetic person. So I just want to give
love because I want to receive love. And that's who
I am and I've always been. I've never shied away
from being that person. But I realize is now, even
being in this healthy, beautiful relationship, that there's always going
(15:05):
to be this inner piece of me, no matter how
much I've worked on her, no matter how much I've
given her safety and allowed her to feel good, again,
there's always going to be that inner piece of me
that thinks somebody's going to leave. And maybe that's also
just being human, because at the end of this life,
(15:27):
people do leave, and that's hard for me to reconcile
with a lot of the time too, So I don't
know that is ever truly going to go away. That
being said, having a partner who not only loves me
in his love languages, but understands me and mine and
(15:48):
how I need to be reassured and how I need
somebody to sometimes hold my hand and walk me through
things is a huge piece to this whole puzzle because
I had been with partners before who never done that
for me. I'd been doing it for them, but I
never had somebody who could safely allow me to even
(16:08):
be willing to let my guard down. There was always
a guard. There was always at the end of the day,
there was like this. My heart was in the tower.
I was protecting the heart, and the heart couldn't get out.
But with him now my heart is out freely, while
also still knowing that it could get broken one day
from the end of life, from life's cruelest intentions, unfortunately,
(16:34):
but he gave me the space and the ability to
understand that life with another person was worth me letting
my heart out of the tower. And it takes a
special human being to allow you to feel that way
after going through a bunch of things. So he really
(16:55):
was the one who has allowed me the permission to
do so, if you will, But a lot of it
was me and accepting that I was finally safe. Even
still when the moments are I give him a hard
time that he's going to leave me, but he won't
and I know that, or I wouldn't have said yes
to him, and I wouldn't have looked at rings with him.
(17:16):
He was the only guy I ever looked at rings
with because of how safe and secure that I felt,
And that was very telling all along. What about overcoming
anxiety when you're finally in a healthy relationship goes along
with what we're just talking about here, And I'll further
add that I actually think it's really healthy to be
(17:38):
anxious and nervous in a healthy new relationship, one because
it means that you're understanding this is a different situation,
and two because you're protecting yourself. At the end of
the day, we do have to look out for ourselves,
and we do have to protect ourselves. And there's plenty
of stories out there where somebody's a nice guy or
(17:59):
a nice one for six months, a year, a few years,
and then all of a sudden they're a completely different person.
So I think it's human behavior to be anxious and
to be worried and be concerned. But much like the
conversation I had to have with myself when I got
into the relationship with my fiance and we were about
six months in and we were starting to live together,
(18:23):
I had to have a conversation with myself and be like,
if you really want to pursue this, if you really
want this relationship to work, then you have to allow
him the chance to make it work. I couldn't keep
putting up the walls and I couldn't keep creating my
(18:43):
safe boundary and my tower of my heart if I
wanted the love and relationship that I truly desired. And
he had given me so many signs and so many
green flags and so many great moments to believe in him.
He showed me his consistency, He showed me the security,
(19:05):
the safeness, He showed me everything I needed to know,
and the only thing that was stopping me from really
embracing the relationship was me. And I think that's an
important piece to this, is that you when you feel
those moments of safety, security, consistency, and you're seeing the
(19:26):
actions not just words because words mean nothing, but when
you're seeing the actions play out in real time and
this person is consistently the same human being, not just
with you, but with friends and with family, then you
really do have to have that conversation with yourself and
say why am I standing in my own way? And
that's when you can start breaking down those barriers in
(19:47):
those walls. And it's not going to be a you
don't take a sledgehammer to it. Honestly, you take an
ice pick and you just chip a few out, a
little bit at a time, and then one day you
wake up and holy crap, you've sledgehammer the whole wall
with an ice pick. So it will come in waves
and in moments, but you do have to get honest
with yourself when the time comes. If it's new, you're
still learning, you're still understanding, but when the time comes
(20:10):
and you'll know your body knows, your heart knows, have
that conversation so you can start to move forward. Oh,
let's get into this A Hi, love this question. How
do you stop looking for it? I'm content single, but
still find myself searching. Oh this is so tough. Okay,
let me say this first and foremost. Because everybody loves
(20:32):
to say when they get into a relationship and tell
singles and tell the people in their life who don't
have their person, they say, when you stop looking, it
will find you. Let's cut that narrative really quick, because
while there is truth to that, the reality of telling
someone to stop looking for the one thing that their
(20:54):
heart desires is not going to help anybody. So let's
reframe this and instead I'm going to stay stop controlling.
I was a master controller in a lot of ways
in my life. I really love to know what's going
to happen. I love to control the situation. I like
(21:14):
to be in controlled environments again because it made me
feel safe. It wasn't controlling in the word that that
has become associated in all the negative terms. I just
really like to have control of things because it allowed
me to feel safety and security after a lot of
things that I'd been through. So I like to even
take control. I would get on dating apps and be like, Okay,
(21:35):
I'm going to set myself up for three dates this week.
I'm going to control the fact that I'm going to
go out three nights this week, or I'm going to
make sure when I go out tonight that I talked
to at least one person. I was always controlling the
situation in one way or another, sometimes a little looser,
sometimes a little bit more strict. But I was trying
to control the path that I was on because it
(21:57):
allowed me to heal. It was really great for a
period of my life because it did help me, and
it did save me in a lot of ways, and
it saved me from certain situations, but it did also
potentially hurt me had I not let go of the
reins and instead of not looking, because inherently, again human nature,
(22:19):
you're gonna look. You're gonna go out to a grocery store,
you're gonna go to a gym, and you're gonna look
at people and say, oh, they're cute. Oh I might
want to talk to them. You should, that's normal, and
you should act on those things. That's also putting yourself
out there. But more than that, it's stop controlling what
(22:39):
could happen. And I think The moment when I finally
let go of the reins was truly the weekend that
my girlfriends were in town. Everything transpired at the same time.
Within that week. The weekend before, i'd just been talking
to a friend and I had had this light bulb
(22:59):
moment of realization where oh my gosh, I know exactly
what I needed a partner. I finally figured it out.
Because that's what dating is all about, is finding the
partner that you want. It's finding the qualities that you
enjoy and the things that you're looking for. And I
had finally figured out the piece that I'd missed all
along was that I'd want somebody with a similar heart
(23:22):
to mine. I wanted somebody with really great emotional intelligence
and empathy and compassion. And I was really finding a
lot of lackluster and that in dating. But once that
light bulb moment hit, it was almost like I just
kind of put my hands up and was like, now
that I have my answer, Now that I controlled everything
(23:43):
that I could control, this is no longer anything I
can do about. I had to genuinely raise my hands
up and say, Okay, deep bra, We're just gonna go
through life and see what happens from here because I
found my answer. I did everything that I could possibly
do to find my person, and so it was no
(24:06):
longer the role that I needed to play in my life.
And when I let go of those rains is when
everything changed, and shortly after is when I met my
now fiance, and it had so much to do with that.
So I'm not going to tell you to stop looking.
I think you should keep looking. If you see somebody
out and you want to talk to him, if you
(24:27):
want to give your phone number, you want to go
on a date on a daynap, do it. That doesn't
mean you're all of a sudden not looking. I think
what you do need to do, though, in most cases,
is let go of the rains and stop doing so much,
stop controlling so much, just enjoy your life, be in
the present moment and accept what is going to come.
(24:50):
And the right person is never going to miss you.
And I know, even me saying that is easier said
than done. But I don't want you to stop looking.
I don't think that's how this works. A different way
to that. I might get some blowback on that, but
that's how I feel, and in that same vein is
how to stay present in singleness. It's so hard to
(25:11):
not get discouraged while dating, and truthfully, I understand that
there was so many moments of my life, especially in
my twenties, where I would just be sitting on my
kitchen floor and start crying randomly, what is happening to me?
Because I felt like I was behind Right, I looked
at a lot of my friends from college, and I
(25:34):
shouldn't say a lot of them, all of them, the
ones that I had lived with in college, every single
one of them was married. They were on kid one,
kid two, kid three. And then there was me and
I was still single. I hadn't even found anybody. I
was thriving in other ways, but I really felt like
I was behind the eight ball in so many different categories,
(25:57):
and so there were several moments that I felt this,
But truly, when I letting go of those reins was
really the moment where I felt so much freedom in
being single. But more than that, in that last year, truly,
I would say like I was really trying my best
(26:20):
to just do things that made me happy. Really like,
at the end of the day, I stopped trying to
focus on what I didn't have and really focus on
what I did have. I had my incredible pets who
I absolutely adore, and I'd take Remy on hikes and
we'd go on trips with our friends, or I'd go
(26:41):
and try a new hobby, or I'd pick up a
different cooking. I cooked a lot, and so much of
what I found in that was doing things that I loved.
Allowed me to stay more in the present moment. Because
I had so much love around me, how could I
possibly be focused on the one love that I didn't have.
(27:02):
And it really helped majority of the time. I'm not
gonna lie to you and say it helped every single time.
There was still moments. There were still wedding invites that
I got that was like a blow to the chest
or a post on social media, and then your whole
feed is babies and engagements, and then there's you. I'm
not going to tell you that it works every single time,
(27:23):
but I am going to tell you that it helped.
Not only did it help me in those moments to
know that I had other things and know that I
had plenty of love in my life, but it also
allowed me to be the person who I was meant
to be before my partner came in my life. That
was the advantage that I had. I had the privilege
to be the person who was last in my society
(27:46):
and last in my community to get engaged and find
that person, because it took that long to find the
right person. And I'm so glad that I waited, because
the right person. Gosh, if I, oh my goodness, if
I got engaged or married to anybody that I had
dated before, you wouldn't see the same girl sitting here today.
(28:08):
And there's a reason for that. So rushing any of
that process is also not going to get you the
result that you want. And also knowing that helped. I
don't know about you, but I knew plenty of couples
who were really happy and very much in love, and
I knew plenty of couples who weren't. And I knew
that I wanted to be one of those couples that
(28:29):
was very much in love and happy years later, and
that was my goal at the end of the day.
So I wasn't in a rush to make sure I'm
on the other side of that and be the couple
that was unhappy just because I needed to get married.
So that thought also helped me in a lot of
those moments. But more than anything, just find things that
(28:51):
you love, do things that make you happy, and surround
yourself with other kinds of love because other kinds of
love exist. And we're also speaking of dating, So let's
talk about that first date. What do you do on
a first date? Do you get dressed up? How do
you be? Because you did hear me say you need
to be exactly yourself? Now we'll say I did not
(29:11):
show up on my first dates looking like a grimlin
like I normally do, or in my daily uniform, and
I very much wish I would have on several of those,
but I didn't. I did at least try to look
my best, because presentation does matter. I don't think you
need to overdo anything. I think you should still be
exactly who you are. Like you're seeing me right now,
(29:32):
this is what I would wear on a date. If
you're watching this on YouTube or on social media, this
is what I would wear on a date. And I
think an outfit like this is great. I also think
if you want to wear yoga pants and sweats, then
you should do that, because again, the right person is
never going to pass you up, even if you're wearing
yoga pants and sweats. Heck, I don't know how many
people I'd meet when I'd be wearing onesies out at
(29:54):
the bars, when I'd just want to be comfy. Wear
whatever you want, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable
and makes you feel feel the most confident. But beyond
that for a first date, I don't stick to any
of these rules that then usually go on a dinner
for a first date, or you must do drinks or
go for a walk or get ice cream. There's honestly
no perfect first date. First dates are awkward. It doesn't
(30:18):
matter what you do. The first date is going to
be awkward. You may have great conversation and once you
get into it, but leading up to that and the
moment of getting there and the moments of anything happening,
it's awkward. You're meeting a new human for the first time,
probably because you met them online or if you're lucky,
you met them in person, and you're actually meeting the
real version of them versus the person that you met
(30:38):
out in real life. They're awkward, They're uncomfortable, and you
just have to accept that and then from there do
again for the date. What makes you feel comfortable. If
it's getting coffee or getting a drink, then do that.
If you really want to have dinner, do that. I'm
gonna tell you. Also, eating on a first date very awkward.
I don't know how many times I would order things
and be happy because I was trying to take little
(30:59):
fingie by want to not get anything in my teeth,
and two because I was trying to talk at the
same time. So it's all awkward. If you embrace that awkwardness,
it does help. I wasn't very good at that. I
was actually terrible at embracing awkwardness. I really hate uncomfortable situations.
So you'd see a lot of what you're hearing and
watching right now where I just talk a whole bunch
(31:21):
because filling the void makes me feel better. There's not
really a typical one, but maybe that helped you embrace
what dating is. It's also fun, right, I often said
when I was dating, you'd do it for the plot.
Those stories live with me for the rest of my life.
On the hundreds of first dates that I went on,
they have lived within me and they'll live through me
(31:41):
for the rest of my life. So at least she
got stories to tell. Speaking of getting into partners when
you start dating. This person asked how to become more
communicative with my partner. I have issues handling it all myself. Honestly,
it shouldn't be all yourself. If you're trying to communicate
with your partner, you should both be in that digs
two to tango. You know that old saying you should
(32:03):
both be communicating with each other. But I think if
you were not a communicative partnership to begin with, then
you have to open up the lines of communication. You
got to start somewhere, right, So go to your partner.
I'm hoping it's a safe situation where you can go
to them and say, hey, I really want to start
having these conversations and I want to address stuff and
(32:26):
have open communication moving forward. But you have to open
that line of communication first. You can't expect somebody to
read your mind, so you do have to set the precedent,
and once the precedent is that, then hopefully the communication follows.
And I'm just going to tell you right now at
the end of the day, like it's just with anything
you should do in life, you have to be your
(32:47):
own advocate. You have to be the representative of yourself,
and if you're not doing it, who is. I know
that it's difficult to tell people multiple things over and
over again to hope that they got it after the
first try. But communication, partnership is so much more than that,
and it's understanding that the other person that you're with
(33:10):
is supposed to be your partner, your team partner. You're
supposed to do things together. And if you're always saying
things and hoping for them to understand it or they
don't get it, then you get frustrated. It's not going
to end up working in the way that you hoped.
Because if you look at a football team, right, Okay,
I've been having to watch so much football this past year.
(33:32):
If you look at a football team, what happens when
they don't communicate with each other. It's a disaster and
you ended up yelling at the tv. Right. The same
thing happens in relationships. If you guys are on eighteen
different pages, you think you're going to get a touchdown,
you think good things are gonna come from that, it
won't because it's about being a team and working together
(33:54):
to fight the enemy, which could be the problem that
you guys are having at the end of the day.
Even if you guys are on opposing sides of a problem,
you're on the same team. So how can you come
together and understanding that is a huge part of working
on that communication with your partner, But it starts with
opening a line and being an advocate for you and
(34:17):
for your partner. I had to do this a lot
in my relationship with my fiance in the beginning, because
he had been taught not to talk about things. He
had been taught in previous relationships that they didn't want
to hear how he felt or what he was experiencing
on a day to day basis, or what his work
life was like. And I was like, I'm gonna cut
(34:38):
you off right there, because that's not how this is
going to work. I want you to tell me how
your day went. I want you to tell me how
you're feeling. I want you to tell me if I
pissed you off. I need you to communicate over communicate
in fact, and we'll even have check ins with each other,
Like we had a massive ice storm that just happened
in Nashville, and after the whole thing happened, we sat
(35:01):
down together and we finally were like in the house
after days without power, staying in a hotel, emergency VET visits,
and just a whole combination of crazy things, and we
were finally warm in our house and we just kind
of looked at each other and was like, that was crazy,
But also did I show up okay for you in that?
(35:22):
How did we do as a partnership in that? And
asking those kind of questions is a game changer because
neither of us really had anything to share. We were
both really appreciative of each other, and we both did
well to work as that unit. But more than anything,
it was just even having the ability to share if
(35:43):
something was wrong. It was me creating the space, him
creating the space for there to be a safe and
open line of communication. I keep saying open line of communication.
I feel like a telephone reporter or something. But hopefully
that helps get you on a journey that communication can
be a front runner in your relationship because it is important.
(36:06):
I used to say it's the number one most important
thing because I felt like it was, but I would
say it's probably top five. Communication is a game changer.
If you're not talking to your partner, then who is
all right? We're going to get into the older girlies,
as somebody called it. She said, don't forget us older
girlies who are divorced and still trying to find the
(36:26):
right love, and then continues, We've got how to figure
out what love is again in my middle fifties and
is it worth it? And then you've got somebody who's
single seven and a half years, she's forty four and
over the apps. How can I put myself out there
to meet people in that same line? How do you
open yourself to opportunities to meet men? So all in
(36:47):
the same category. But first of all, I'm going to
say this right now, I'm not at that later stage
of my life yet, so I can't fully attest to it.
But getting engaged at thirty two to me and like
incredibly late in life at the time, like when this
is all happening, I'm like, oh dang. Like I mentioned,
I have friends who are on their third baby by now,
(37:07):
and look at me, I'm just now getting engaged. So
society loves to tell us our timelines and tell us
when and where we should do things, but the realities,
that's not how life works. And at the end of
the day, everybody has their own journey, their own path,
their own story that they're creating, and your timeline is
(37:29):
inherently yours, and you are the only one who gets
to decide when and where something happens, and if it's
going to happen, and if you want it to happen.
I believe fully that love can exist in every single decade,
with multiple different types of people in ages. I don't
(37:51):
think love just happens when you're twenty or when you're
twenty five or when you're thirty. I think love is
all around us all the time. If I believe that,
then I'll be no good to sit here and say, oh,
you can't find it now. No, heck, yeah, you're gonna
find it now. In fact, you're probably gonna find the
thing that you've always been looking for that it just
took you longer to find that right person, maybe because
(38:11):
you're waiting, maybe because you're being pickier, maybe because you
have high standards, all of which are incredibly great things.
Mind you, the world would love to tell you differently,
but that's not true. And maybe you've been married before
and you got divorced, or maybe you had kids in
life happened. There's so many different factors when you start
to talk about love later in life, but I just
(38:33):
need you to know. And I'm only referring to it
as later in life because I don't know how to
specify different decades just later than the life that I'm
in right now. But love will absolutely happen for you
if you want it to happen. I was having this
conversation with a friend where she was really talking about
(38:55):
how she wanted to have kids, and she felt like
it was getting too late and she wasn't sure if
she was going to be able to and what that
looked like, and she wasn't finding people who were really
giving her that option. If you will, And I remember
saying to her that if it's something you really want,
(39:16):
then your story, your journey, your path is going to
make it happen. I don't know that's going to make
it happen in the way that you believe it should happen,
but it will make it happen. And I still wholeheartedly
believe that. And things have worked out for her in
a multitude of different ways. But so much of what
we love to control is based on things that people
(39:38):
told us. That you should get married when you're twenty one,
and you should stay married for the rest of your life,
and you should have five babies, and you should have
a white pick of fens, and make sure you buy
the giant mansion, and YadA, YadA, YadA. It was ingrained
into all of us. But the truth is, whatever you
want in your life, you have the ability to make
it happen at the end of the day, with life,
(40:00):
with love, with careers, with anything, and if it's something
that you really truly in your heart desire, you will
find a way to make it happen one way or another.
Whether it's fate or your spiritual beliefs or whatever, it's
going to happen. And I very much believe that to
be true for all of my older girlies who are
(40:24):
still trying to find their love and putting yourself out
there is difficult, especially if you've been burned before. But
more than that, I'll say, in general, you have to
take your face out of your phone if you want
to meet people in the world. There's two things I
would do. Get your face out of your phone when
you're out and about if you're at the grocery store,
if you're at the gym, if you're on a walk,
(40:45):
if you're who knows what you're doing, but don't be
on your phone. Be open to the world around you.
Be open to your surroundings. You never know the kind
of conversations you can have if you're just present when
you're out in the world. Two, make sure that you
are open minded to the type of person that might
(41:05):
find you. I'm not talking about your standards. Do not
lower them. I will never ever tell you to lower
a standard. But be open to the type of person
that you've created in your head, because more often than not,
that is not what's coming. And I'm not saying my
fiance wasn't. He's the perfect person I could have asked for,
but I don't know that he was the exact image
(41:28):
of what I created, and he came in a much
better package than I could have ever asked for. So
be open minded to what you think you want in
that capacity, and then be present out in the world.
And I think those are two ways. Also, do things
you love. I'll preach that all day long, because not
only is it good for you and your own life,
(41:50):
but doing things you love allow you to meet other
people doing things that they love. So whether that's rock
climbing or painting or making pottery. I don't care, but
go and do it, because you may just meet somebody
in those circumstances. Those are all tips. I would have
to be out into the world and meeting people, and
(42:12):
this further goes down. I've had two serious relationships. I'm
thirty one, will third time being my prince charming. I
freaking hope so for you. Heck, I hope everybody gets
to find their prince charming now and if not now,
then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, the next day. I
won that for all of you guys. But I do
think putting pressure on the next person being prince charming
(42:34):
at the end of the day will make it harder
for that to be your prince charming. You know, I
think I did that narrative for a while when I
was Hi gosh a couple of years ago, and I
was like, Okay, the next one he's gonna be it.
I'm not going to date anybody until I know that
they're it, and I put that pressure on myself. You
(42:54):
want to know what happened. He wasn't it. He wasn't it.
So I wouldn't put press sure on anything to believe
that this next one has to be it, because then
you might end up in the wrong relationship and you
might end up with the wrong prince charmy. So do
not enter into anything with this solid belief that whether
I'm gonna date this person, I'm gonna marry this person,
(43:16):
we're gonna have babies. Do not enter and do anything
that way. You need to enter into things with an
open mind, clear eyes, full heart, scan loos, and an
open minded ability to see what's in front of you
and what could be in front of you and the potential,
(43:36):
rather than envisioning what you think is perfect. So just
put that right there. Talking about some friendships now feeling
like all friendships are surface level, even with longtime friends.
There's this part of me that realized, as I've gotten
older that I think this is a lot more common
(43:57):
than we love to say. Right, being an adult is hard.
First of all, it's hard to be an adult, and
they don't ever really prepare you for it anywhere on
the long line of places that they send us when
we're kids. But more than that, being an adult and
trying to have a career and have a relationship and
(44:18):
build a life for yourself and be social and get
enough sleep and be healthy there's a lot of work,
So your friendships becoming surface level, even your longtime ones,
is normal. I'm not saying you have to live with
it that way, but it is normal because you've become busy,
(44:40):
they've become busy, and then it just feels like checking
in randomly and oh, I'll see you maybe in a
couple months. But there is somebody who've had on this podcast,
she said something that I really loved, and she was
talking about community, and she said, if you want to
have community, then you have to embrace be inconvenienced. And
(45:02):
I sat with that a while because I was like, dang,
being inconvenience really stucks when you're adult. I'm not gonna lie.
There's a lot of things there, but there's so much
truth to it, right, Like, it's hard to keep friendships
when you're older, especially if you have kids, especially if
you're in a relationship, especially if XYZ you got a
(45:22):
demanding job. Add it to the list of things. It's
hard to sustain friendships. And that's why having community can
be inconvenient, and you should inconvenience yourself to have community.
So I would look into those friendships one see, are
you putting in a lot of work and they're not,
then that's a different conversation. See if none of you
(45:44):
are putting in work, then that's also a different topic.
But if you're the person in this who isn't inconveniencing
yourself to have those friendships, there might be something that
you can adjust to make those friendships not feel surface
level anymore. You really have to find ways to incorporate
(46:05):
friendship in your daily life. Everybody deserves to have friends
and have friendship. You should have friends in friendship outside
of your relationships and your career and everything. They're incredibly
important to your well being, and you might have to
find new ways that those friendships exist. Right there's one
friend who I will go and run errands with, will
go and shop and do the things we need to
(46:26):
both do together, and that's how we catch up and
we both get things done. Or I have friends that
I'll go walking with because we're all trying to get
healthy and we do that. I've had friends that I
cook with because I want to cook healthier meals, and
I've incorporated those friendships further into my life that way.
Or we'll set a date for game night four weeks
(46:48):
in advance, because I need to make sure it's on
my calendar, but I'm always still making it a priority
whenever I possibly can manage. So I would look at
those friendships, are you guys both on this level of
we can't be in convenience to sustain these friendships or
is it one or the other and really evaluate the situation.
(47:09):
But I would encourage anybody, especially this day and age,
because it's really easy. Trust me, it's really easy. I
really love staying home. I like staying in my sweats
and sitting on the couch and not doing anything. It
feels really good. But that being said, there's the other
day when something random popped up for my fiancee and
I to go and meet up with friends, and I
(47:32):
was just having myself a day with it because I
was stressed out. I had a long week, and I
was like, I don't want to do anything. I really
was mentally already in a place where I was on
the couch for the remainder of the night, and I'm
not gonna lie to you. I bitched about it a lot.
I was probably not a very pleasant person in that moment,
but literally the words that came out of my mouth
as I'm about to have to get ready. I was like, no,
(47:54):
because community means being inconvenience, and I need to be
inconvenienced right now because as I can, because I'm in
a position that I can be in convenience, and that's
not always the case. I'm not don't ever put that
in a place where it needs to not be right.
You're going through stuff and there's a whole lot of
life happening. Then this is not applying to that. There's nuance,
(48:15):
of course, but if you're like me and you were
sitting on the couch and you weren't doing anything, then yeah,
I deserve to be inconvenience in that moment so I
could show up and be a friend. Because I want
to have friends, I also have to show up and
be a friend. So there's a lesson I learned in
all of that. Maybe that can help you, in a
way understand what's happening with your friendships and then figure
(48:37):
out what role you need to play to either help
them or maybe make new friends, because that's a part
of this too. Then we got a mom that's on
the other side of this. She's a new stay at
home mom after working twenty years and she's trying to
find herself. I am never going to pretend to understand
the things moms have to go through on any level,
(48:59):
on postpartum, on having a child, on working or not working,
or I'm never possibly going to understand it. But I
do think there's an important conversation here to be had
because oftentimes moms unfortunately lose their identity within their kids,
not because they're not a good mom, because they're actually
a really great mom, because that's what is required of them.
(49:23):
Oftentimes to give a child a beautiful life, you lose
who you are and you try your best to give
them everything that they need, so you get put on
the back burner. So I would imagine the reverse is
happening here where you've been working for twenty years and
now you're at home, and there's this kind of identity
(49:43):
shift that's happening in this moment where you're like, is
this truly what I want? Did I make the right decision?
And at the end of the day, when you're making
any kind of big decision where life is changing one
because change is uncomfortable. Hate change. Humans hate change. That's
what we are. We like to be creatures of habit
(50:04):
And I'm guilty of it, the next person's guilty of it.
Creature of habit is easy and it's comfortable, and I'm
never gonna be mad at somebody for staying in something
that's comfortable. But doing something so different, especially after twenty years,
is brave and it's empowering in a way. Hopefully there's
(50:25):
a weight off your shoulders that you didn't know existed.
Often when change comes, good follows because if you were
brave enough to make the big change, there was a
reason for it, and that reason for it is going
to reward you. So while I understand you're in this
new identity, just changeover of trying to understand what this means,
(50:47):
I hope you give yourself the grace to know that
you're brave enough to make that change for whatever reason,
for whatever you needed to do for your family. And
I do hope you find yourself. I hope you find
love within yourself. Maybe being a stay at home mom
is going to give you a little bit more time
for yourself in different ways. Maybe it's gonna show up
in finding different friendships that you didn't know that you needed.
(51:09):
This new phase of your life could be the change
that you've been looking for twenty years and you just
didn't know it. I also think it's important to grieve
your past life. You know that the twenty years you
spent working, because it sounds like you loved what you
were doing if you did it for twenty years. So
I do think there's a grieving that needs to happen
where you let go of that. And maybe you are
(51:31):
letting go temporarily. Maybe it's only for a short time.
Maybe life's gonna reward you with something different than what
you expected. Who knows, but I do think you grieve
and understand that was a big chunk of your life
that was really important to you. And there's nothing wrong
with you having something really important in your life. Then
your family. It's also cool that you had a job
(51:52):
that you loved that's also awesome, and you were working. Mom.
You're probably kicking ass out there. So maybe those are
things that to hear. There's so many awesome ones in here,
and I'm gonna end on this one, the importance of
waiting for the right man. So I'm a big believer
in this in friendships and relationships, really, in any relationship
(52:15):
that you choose to have in your life, because you
are who you surround yourself with. Your entire life is
impacted by the people in your life. How you view
the world, how you see your surroundings, your mental health,
your physical health, your emotional well being, all that's impacted
by the people you surround yourself with. And that's why
(52:37):
I'm a full believer in keeping your standards and be
picky about who you let into your life. I think
those are really important things. And understanding why you've chosen
those people to be a part of your life also matters.
It's wild to think anybody would allow somebody in such
a vulnerable place in their life right as the role
(53:00):
of a partner, without truly believing that this person can
do everything you possibly need to happen when the time comes.
Because if you truly think about it, your partner is
going to see you through the death of your parents,
maybe even of your grandparents, maybe of pets that you have.
They're going to see you grieve job losses, They're going
(53:23):
to see you go through many of life's tumultuous things
that you're going to experience. This partner has to show
up for all of that. That's what the requirement is
when you're entering a relationship. That's what you're agreeing to
is to be a teammate. And I can't possibly fathom
(53:49):
why anybody would want a teammate at the end of
the day that can't sustain and be the support system
that they absolutely need in all those scenarios. I know
how it happens. I know that life happens, and I
know that there's incredible circumstances where you end up with
(54:09):
somebody that wasn't the plan, or you meet someone and
you thought something and then they turned out to be different.
But once you know that, you got to find a
way to do better. Right, You've got to find a
way to find this person, because choosing the right teammate
for the rest of your life is one of the
(54:29):
biggest decisions you get to make. It's one of the
things that you do have control over. Right, there's fate,
and there's spiritual beliefs, and there's all kinds of things.
When it comes to meeting the person, everybody says this
and that way of how it happens, But you get
to decide if you're with that person for the rest
of your life upon meeting them, and you should choose
(54:52):
the person who's going to do everything to make you
feel loved and cared for and supported, safe and secure.
That is what it's all about. That's what matters. And
you should feel about your partner in any situation, bad
or good. Just like if you were to pick up
(55:14):
your phone and call your best friend to fill them
in on the news, that's how you should feel about
your partner. You should feel excited and comfortable and not
afraid to tell them anything, and not afraid that if
something's going to happen that they're not going to have
your back, or they're not going to support you, or
(55:34):
they're not going to show up in the way that
you need them to show up. Not just show up,
but show up in the way that you need them to.
Because love is the only thing we get really in
this life at the end of the day, that's the
price that we pay for living is love. And choosing
(55:56):
the right love, choosing the love that gives us everything
that we do, is of the utmost importance, and it's
truly one of the only choices you get in this life.
There's a lot of things we truly don't get to decide.
We don't get to decide when we come into the world.
We don't get to choose where we're born, or how
(56:18):
it all happens, or what school we go to. None
of that's really our choice, right. Heck, even life demands
different things of us. So really a lot of circumstances
in life are not truly chosen. But the one thing
you do get to choose is your partner. Is the
person that you're going to choose to spend the rest
of your life with. And why wouldn't you choose someone
(56:42):
who makes you feel like when you're on a titanic
and your arms are wide open and you're screaming, I'm
on the top of the world. Why would you not
want that? That's what love's supposed to be. That's what
it's supposed to feel like. And if you're listening to
this and if you're in anything other than that, help
you do something about it. Maybe start having uncomfortable conversations,
(57:06):
maybe you leave a relationship, maybe you start seeing the
value that you bring to this life. I love the
quote there are so many mediocre things in life. Love
should not be one of them. I am a huge
believer in that. I'm a huge believer in love, and
(57:27):
I'm a huge believer that love exists all around us
all the time, and that's why I did this episode.
And I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope you
got something from it. Maybe you're like, well, this is
a crazy person. I don't know, but I do enjoy
talking to you, guys. I enjoy talking to a camera.
And hope that one of these moments can help you
(57:49):
on a trajectory to change your life, because at the
end of the day, that's all that matters. That's all
we got. We got ourselves, and I got you, you
got me, we got each other. I think that should
be a song. Kind of is a song. It's like
the Barney song. It's all on my mind right now.
But thank you guys for being here, Thanks for listening,
enjoying this episode. Go with love, Go enjoy the world,
(58:13):
be present, be open minded. If you're dating, there's hope
there is the person out there that you're looking for.
If you're in a marriage, keep fighting for that marriage
if you love it so much, and find ways to
make that marriage even better. And if it's a friendship
you're after, then be a friend to have a friend.
And if it's family, I hope you find the love
(58:38):
within the family that you're looking for, and that is
where I leave you. I love you all. Happy Valentine's Day.
Host
Morgan Huelsman
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