Jeff Hiller

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Guys. Hi, I'm so happy you're here. You're still listening,
you're still watching. It makes my heart beam. I am
really tired today, but that's okay. Bes like that sometimes.
But I do think this holiday break that we all
sort of had a varying lengths. I feel like it
could have been longer for everyone involved, that's everyone. I

(00:32):
think that we need more time off as a society
here in America. We needed a lot of other things, okay,
but that's not what I'm talking about right now. Right now,
I think that we could all use more time off,
and it can be paid time off. It should be
paid time off because I like the sound of PTO.
I just think it sounds cool. PTO. Yeah, I think

(00:53):
we need more. The Europeans they seem to get that right,
they kind of have. I went to Italy a few
years ago, brag and and they were off. Somebody was like,
they're off the whole month of August, like basically everyone is.
And I was like, that's amazing that you can just
as a society largely be off. And I think we
need that here in America, among other things. That is

(01:15):
not lost on me, but more time off for all
of us I want that for us. I wish it
for us, and I think my brain personally might work
a little better if I had that time off because
this holiday I just went by, and I know the
holidays also feel so busy for people, and there's so
much running around and parties and goodbyes and end of

(01:35):
year this and that and the other, and that's not
quite a break. So I'm petitioning for I want it
to be a summer month. Let's all take July off.
Let's be pioneers. All the listeners of this podcast, tell
your boss you're taking the month of July off. And
that girl with the podcast said, it's okay. Let me

(01:57):
know how that goes. But if it goes a ride,
know that I can't help you. And so there's that
very excited for this conversation I'm about to have. I
feel like it's gonna be a good one, and I hope.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
You stay tuned, keep watching listening. I am sleep deprived,
but I'm happy you're here. Okay, Yeah, let's do a song.
Everything is better when it's a song. You can kind

(02:31):
of say anything in music. Have you ever caught the
lyrics of a song? I'm like, damn, those are crass,
but it sounds nice.

Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, I never have the lyrics.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
You never know, do you ever? But do try? Are
you one of those? Like I still try to sing along?
And yeah, okay, yeah me too. I just saw a
video of myself singing along to a Kendrick Lamar song,
which I do, in theory know the lyrics of. But
I was fumbling all around and I was like, this
is embarrassing. Burn this footage. Okay, this isn't about me,
this is about you. And my next guest is an

(03:03):
Emmy winning actor, comedian, and author. You can get his
memoir memoir, memoir, Memoir, memoir. Yeah, why did they let
me have a podcast? I heart? What are you doing?
You can get his memoir Actress of a Certain Age
out now. Jeff Hiller, Hello, Hi, I'm so happy you're here.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
I'm very happy to be here.

Speaker 1 (03:28):
I'm good. How are you?

Speaker 3 (03:29):
I'm good good? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Generally good?

Speaker 3 (03:32):
Okay, yeah, generally how are you? I'm worried about you too, said.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
I'm worried about me too, but thank you for doing this.

Speaker 3 (03:42):
I'm sleep deprived, but deprived because you were doing stuff
late at night? Or are you sleep deprived because like
you've went too bad. But your body won't sleep? Does
that make sense?

Speaker 1 (03:50):
I went to so it does make sense. I'm going
to present a third option. I'm sleep deprived because I
went to bed early, and I don't really do that.
So I went to bed early, being like, look at this,
I'm going to go to sleep at nine o'clock and
it's all gonna be good. But you see the problem
with that is I woke up at no I went
to bed at like ten, and I woke up at

(04:10):
three am, right, and then I was just up until
thirty minutes before I needed to wake up.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
Oh, I totally. I have that almost every day, just
just since I got old.

Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, but when do you get old? What's the number?
You don't want to say your age?

Speaker 3 (04:25):
Oh yeah, I'm fifty.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
Okay, you don't, oh my gosh. Alert The rest is
because I'm sure I'm genuinely shook. You're fifty.

Speaker 3 (04:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:33):
I wouldn't normally tell people, but it's on the internet.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Okay, okay. And also looking damn good.

Speaker 3 (04:39):
For fifty, Well I have kids.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Okay, that's what it is. You have botox?

Speaker 3 (04:43):
No, I've never done before.

Speaker 1 (04:44):
You look really good. I'm shook.

Speaker 4 (04:47):
Well, you know I put a little and put something.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
That's fine, but then also the bone structure, the cheeks,
her cheekbones. Anyway, please continue, since you since you got old.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
Yeah, I just read this New York Times article and
my husband and I've been doing it and it works.
All you have to do is you think of a
word when you wake up. You just think of a word.
This helps mainly if you wake up from anxiety.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
Okay, please tell me, just like.

Speaker 3 (05:12):
Whatever, But you think of a word, like, let's say
the more it is Mike, okay, and then so it
starts with an, it ends with a C, So then
you think of another word that starts with C. Cup.
Then you think of a word that starts with P
photosynthesis okay, and then you.

Speaker 1 (05:25):
Hold on, I'm so confused. So now we're just thinking
of words.

Speaker 4 (05:28):
So I'm just like counting sheet.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
So no, but wait, so you if you were to
do mike, it's C C, then how do we get
to photosynthesis?

Speaker 3 (05:37):
So then I said cup? Okay, So the first letter
is C, but the last letter is P.

Speaker 1 (05:42):
So now we're going p. Photos You would go snake exactly,
and then you'd go eagle.

Speaker 3 (05:48):
Right, and so it's like not hard right, and it's
not like a weird code you have to think about hard,
but then you just keep going and then it's so boring.
You just fall asleep and you're not thinking about, oh
my god, why did I say that in that meeting
or oh yeah, yeah, I have to send that email
or whatever.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
I think I fear that that would keep me up.
I think that I would enjoy it too much. I
like games a little too much. I'm like, we could
go all night, and it's me. Do you play games
like emotional ones? Yes, emotional ones all the time? No? No,
I don't play emotional games, but okay, do I play

(06:27):
the other kind? I did download chess on my phone recently,
I know, and but I was so bad. I learned
how to play maybe ten ish years ago when I
was babysitting these kids, and they were just brilliant brother
and sister do a I think about them all the time.
I just don't remember their names because only baby sat
them once or twice, and I'm like, gosh, like twenty twenty,

(06:53):
like maybe even twenty five one of them, or twenty
four or something. But they taught me how to play chess,
and they legitimately good at teaching, and then they were
all so good at it. And anyway, I tried to
download a chess the other day. I'm not good at it,
but Jeff, this isn't about me.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
I do well.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
My dad, my dad, Yes, okay dad, thanks dad. Okay,
you you should be my co host.

Speaker 3 (07:20):
My dad taught me to play chess, and I was
so bad at it. He was like, it's I don't
have to play.

Speaker 1 (07:27):
How long before he gave up on you?

Speaker 3 (07:31):
I mean if I went to him and said I'd
like to play, you know, right now, he'd be like, OK,
let's dry. But sweetie. Yeah he's a real sweetie, but
he he Yeah, he was just like, that's not your
that's not your gift.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay. Yeah, did you figure out what your gift was?
Or did you have to figure that out yourself?

Speaker 3 (07:49):
Oh? I definitely had to figure out myself. I mean,
he's a sweetie, but he's still a man from Texas.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
From Tehas Okay. How many siblings do we have? Just one?

Speaker 3 (08:00):
Are you a sister older, she's older, I'm younger.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
You're the baby, the baby? Did you love it?

Speaker 3 (08:07):
I don't know? Are you the baby?

Speaker 1 (08:09):
I'm the baby?

Speaker 3 (08:10):
And did you love gotta love it.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
I mean I never got to love me. Fuck cut that,
Yeah I did. I didn't. I didn't because I felt
like I have a few I have three siblings, okay,
and so it was like I'm everyone's child, which is nice,
but it's also not nice. But then and then there's
this really sweet spot where it's like you're everyone's child,
but you're also an adult, but they still treat you

(08:33):
like their child. It comes with its benefits, yeah, but
you feel indifferent. It just is what it is.

Speaker 3 (08:39):
Well, I just have one sister, she's six years older
than me, and so I've heard that you're really more
like two only children. Then, although I am close to her, yeah,
we're like really good friends. But I never really felt
like the baby. I felt more like the word.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Fuck. Okay. I just wanted to see if I could
bait you.

Speaker 3 (09:03):
Well, you did cancel me?

Speaker 1 (09:07):
Uh oh no, please don't cancel you don't. We can't
cancel you because you just got here. We have so
much more to discuss. I don't want to cancel you. Okay.
What was it like for you growing up in Texas?
Did we love it? Why do we keep saying did we?
I wasn't there Where did you grow up? I grew
up in Baltimore.

Speaker 3 (09:22):
Oh yes, yes, oh yeah, that's fun.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
Did you love that in many ways? Yes? And then
in many ways and then in some ways no because
grass is always greener, which, by the way, we said
before we started recording. But I first want to know
the answer to did you love texted? Growing up there?

Speaker 5 (09:39):
Now?

Speaker 3 (09:39):
I didn't. It was really difficult. And I grew up
in a different time. I mean, I think it's pretty
bad now too. But a group in a time that
was like, you know, I was really girly and didn't
conform to whatever gender roles and people didn't like that.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
What are you talking about? I'm sorry, this is news
to me. Let's dive in. I'm okay, no, what Like,
how quickly did you get out of Texas? Then?

Speaker 3 (10:09):
Not quick enough? Because I went to college in Texas, Okay,
at a Christian college that was only a thousand people.

Speaker 1 (10:16):
Like for all four levels of school? Okay, yeah, oh
wow people wow.

Speaker 3 (10:22):
Yeah. And I wanted to be a pastor. And then
I studied abroad. And when I studied abroad, that's when
I was like, oh I gotta get the funk out
of here. Okay, and it broadened my Do you not cuss? No?
I do?

Speaker 4 (10:37):
Okay, I'm gonna get the funk out of here.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
I just want to get you to to say various
cuss words and slurs today. That's all.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
I'm shit.

Speaker 1 (10:46):
I don't want to cancel you at the top of
the episode, but by the end, well, we'll get there,
we'll get there. Where did you study abroad?

Speaker 3 (10:55):
Namibia?

Speaker 1 (10:56):
Namibia?

Speaker 3 (10:57):
Okay, like South Africa is here and maybe is there?

Speaker 1 (10:59):
Yeah, okay, did you you did enjoy that? Then I'm
assuming yeah, oh yeah. Was it just a semester?

Speaker 3 (11:04):
Yeah, just semester?

Speaker 1 (11:05):
And then you're like, I gotta go respect, And then
where did you go?

Speaker 3 (11:10):
I went to Denver, where I was a volunteer, like
a full time volunteer, like a kind of like AmeriCorps,
but through a church program. And then I worked for
a couple of years at the Department of Public Health
doing STD.

Speaker 1 (11:25):
And people got chlamydia, don't they. There's face clamydia going
around now have you seen peel? I don't know the
internet set on your phone. I want to show you
on my phone, but I don't think. I fear I
won't be able to track down the social media post.
But there's face clamyitia going around in like Saint Bart's
or something.

Speaker 3 (11:43):
Right now Bart's that makes sense. Those people they got money,
but they're trash.

Speaker 1 (11:51):
It's Bethany Frankle like has face clmity. But I also
should not speak on this. I also want to say
that I am not a journalist in that I did
not click the lake. Sometimes i'll the title of an
article and I'm like, I read this thing that said
I did it. I merely, in passing, saw the title
of an article. I did not click or investigate further.

Speaker 3 (12:08):
And I should not be shaming people for having a
sexually transmitted infection. That is unfair. I don't want to
slut shame anybody that Sometimes those things happen.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
Sometimes you don't have to be a slut to get
one of those. It could be a one off. Is
why did we change it from st d'd ST I no, actually,
but like you're the expert, I'm.

Speaker 3 (12:27):
Like, tell me, well, I did work for the clinic,
but I worked for the clinic before they changed it
to I Okay. I think disease maybe feels a little
bit more permanent than infection.

Speaker 1 (12:38):
Yeah. Maybe. In fact, yeah, infection sounds fleeting. Speaking of fleeting,
I asked you before, I say.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
Right, And then after Denver I moved. I moved to
New York to I told everybody I was getting my
master's in social work, but I started taking classes at
the UCB.

Speaker 1 (12:54):
Do you know how many people that uc B are
telling their parents they're getting their masters Because I've heard
this story before. I've heard the story from at least
two other people that I know personally are like, my
family thinks I'm getting my master's right now in La.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
Well, I did tell them I was deferring for it,
but I said a year. Oh, and it's been twenty five.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
Are you gonna do it? Come on, do it?

Speaker 3 (13:17):
Can you imagine going back to school right now?

Speaker 1 (13:19):
I don't. Oh, this is bad because kids stay in school,
but I don't really fuck with school.

Speaker 4 (13:25):
I wouldn't want to do it even like.

Speaker 1 (13:28):
Like I feel like I've said this on the podcast before,
but I actively wake up some days and I, you know,
I think, I'm so grateful I don't have to go
to school today.

Speaker 3 (13:37):
Me too.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
It's an actual thought.

Speaker 3 (13:39):
So I can't imagine just Sunday night blues. I'm always like,
why am I so sad, and I'm like, I think
I have to go to school to Mark, but I
do don't.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
It's the best feeling. It's my sister is older than
I am. She's six years older than I am, and
she does love school and I cannot relate, Like she
has a thousand degrees. And I'm like, girl, get out
of there. I get out of there.

Speaker 3 (13:59):
They're controlling your mine.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
Like get out, save yourself. Yeah, Mondays can be fun again.
Mondays are low key fun.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
People do love it. They must feel like structure of it,
and yeah I don't.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
I don't. I don't like it. I feel like I
couldn't wait to be like done with school. It was
spooky to leave though, Like after college when I was like,
I'm not going to go get my m cat, or
go get my m cat, get my cat, take the
m cat to potentially go to medical school. Probably wouldn't
have got the same way. You were going to be
a pastor, Yeah, the same way you were going Yeah,
say sure, And I need to ask you about that.

(14:36):
You're going to be a pastor.

Speaker 3 (14:38):
I was going to be a pastor.

Speaker 1 (14:39):
Where did that desire come from? No, because pastors are cool,
But I'm just some of them, some of them, not
all of them, as is the case for any other profession.

Speaker 3 (14:49):
That's such a good point. Yeah. Yeah, Well, when I
was growing up, the church was like the only nice
place I could be in public because school was awful,
and anywhere I was around, like even at the grocery store,
people would like, you know, not like me because I'd
be like Chelsea designing women last night. You know.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
Who didn't like designing women?

Speaker 3 (15:12):
People at the grocery store. And Albertson's, Oh my god, Albertsons.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
That's where you gotta go to Gelson's. They didn't have
that in Texas, did there?

Speaker 3 (15:19):
They didn't have GIRLSGB. We should have gone to AGB. Yeah.
And so church was like this really safe space for
me and and also like you know, you get to
kind of perform.

Speaker 1 (15:31):
I know, that's where I was in the first the
first play I was ever in was a church. Yeah.
And I was the lead of the Christmas play.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
I was the lead of a play about Noah. I
played one of the bumblebees.

Speaker 1 (15:42):
Oh you played one of one of the bumble Did
you have lines?

Speaker 3 (15:44):
Oh? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
And later, this is such a brag, tell me later
someone came up to my mom and said, how come
they gave Jeff a microphone and none of the other children,
because I what pro Jack?

Speaker 5 (15:58):
Yeah, yeah, a star natural born.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
I love also that you felt safe in church given
it was not safe elsewhere.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
Which is ironic most Yeah, because most.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
People be like, no, if you were feeling that in
the rest of Texas, Shirley Church would not be the
place to go for shelter in theory to people.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
And I'm sure there were a lot of people talking
behind my back at church, but they didn't say to
my face.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
They kept a que Yeah, they kept a que I'm
sure there's people talking behind all of our back so
all the time. So then you wanted to be a
pastor because it felt like a safe space, right, And
what was it like studying theology? Because I'm actually curious
about theology. I'm not going to study it. I'm not.
Just to be clear, this is me being I might
remember how I feel about school. But a big fan

(16:49):
of C. S. Lewis I am, Oh, yeah, I am.
I did that to honor the old timey nature.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
That interest to Yoda that says.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
That I am the big fan, I am exactly.

Speaker 3 (17:06):
Yes, yeah, I am not I don't know a ton
about that's the Landluitch and the wardrope guy.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
I don't even read his fiction. It might be I
think it is in Chronicles of Narnia, but I've never
I don't read the fiction, like reading the theme. Oh okay,
curious because he was an atheist, right and then he wasn't.
And I feel like it's interesting that perspective is so
remarkably interesting to me.

Speaker 3 (17:30):
That is interesting. Now what I'm nothing.

Speaker 1 (17:33):
Word by the way that I said us something interesting interesting,
What does it even mean?

Speaker 3 (17:37):
Well, it means we're It means we're we're caught by it.
You know that it's taken us in.

Speaker 1 (17:41):
And that's all we'll share about that. Okay, Sorry, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 (17:50):
What I mainly was studying was like what was called
liberation theology. So it was about like looking at the
text and really understanding how God wants us to be
serving each other so that we're not under these systems
of oppression, and that the church, like that's why I

(18:10):
went to Namibia because it was the church was a
huge part of the fight to end apartheid there, and
so I was studying this like kind of radical and
it's the only thing radical at my college, literally nothing else,
and like all the students would be like this is blasphaing.

(18:31):
They were like not into it at all, but the
professors were rigorous and intellectual, and so I then I
was like, oh, I want to be like I'm going
to be called to justice. And then it was like
this real slap in the face when they were like, oh,
you can't be gay and also be a pastor. I
mean you could be, but you had to be celibate
and other pastors could get married. And I was like,

(18:52):
well that's rude.

Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, that's not fair. That don't sound like liberation to
me exactly, Okay, And.

Speaker 3 (18:59):
So that's kind of why I was like, well I
don't want to be a.

Speaker 1 (19:01):
Pastor then, yeah. And was that I imagine heartbreaking or yeah?

Speaker 3 (19:08):
I had to kind of mourn it because that really
was my identity for a long time, was like the
Granola Christian. And it was like a bummer to be like, Oh,
now I guess I'm just another one of those people
who used to go to church.

Speaker 1 (19:20):
Oh and do you go to church now?

Speaker 3 (19:22):
No?

Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah? Do you miss church at all? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah, I miss like the pageantry and the community and
stuff like that I like the songs.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
The songs, some of the songs, I will say, sometimes
the songs sound the same, like I can hear the
at the beginning. I'm not no, I appreciate it all
a lot. I'm gonna get cooked. I don't want to
get cooked. I'll stop here.

Speaker 4 (19:46):
I don't think you're gonna get cooked. You know, like
praise music some time, some well.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
Because some of them I really like, you know what,
I'm bumping regularly Fred Hammond. I love Fred Hammond. He
kind of sounds like an R and B singer to me.

Speaker 3 (19:59):
Well, And that's the thing is that, like sometimes there
are people in the church who are like, you know,
real hardcore, great musicians. And then other times it's just
like I get to come here and playing yeah, and
it's like.

Speaker 1 (20:14):
I just hear the guitar. Sometimes I can tell it's
a Christian song just by the strumming of the guitar
at the beginning of a track, say you we did
a blind Like why do I have to have my
eyes closer to the music. I don't want it turns
out so drum tire. I'm making no sense, but I
feel like I could you could hear the beginning of
a song and and I'm like, this is a Christian song,

(20:35):
and I'm like, they don't have to sound the same.
That's basically how I feel about it. So some of
it is great, as is again in the case with
anything else but left.

Speaker 3 (20:44):
That's really the point we're coming around to here is to.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
Be the name of the episode. Uh, Jeff Hiller and
he go, I want to talking balance. That's gonna really
grab people. And they call they think balance is interesting, especially.

Speaker 3 (20:57):
In this culture where everything is totally just chill and
we're not just picking sides and punching people in the.

Speaker 1 (21:04):
Face, no problem at all. Does anyone else in your
family a pastor? Though? Where did this desire come from?

Speaker 3 (21:11):
Nobody else in my family was a pastor. But but
like our church was sort of like our entire social outlet,
and so it was like, you get to be the
most popular person in your social group if you're the pastor,
and you got to wear.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
The little light, You're always going to be an actor church.
I loved the pageantry, all oh.

Speaker 4 (21:36):
My god, they light the candles before.

Speaker 3 (21:39):
You go on.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
I'm on stage, captive audience.

Speaker 3 (21:42):
I know. I loved Pentecost because they were read.

Speaker 1 (21:48):
I would have gone to your church. I would have gone.
It would have been so fun. Do you still identify
as Christian.

Speaker 3 (21:56):
Culturally?

Speaker 1 (21:57):
Yeah, okay, what is that?

Speaker 3 (21:58):
I'm a little more woo woo then I think most.

Speaker 1 (22:01):
Tell me I might be too, though. Let's here.

Speaker 3 (22:04):
Do you identify as Christian?

Speaker 1 (22:05):
Yes? In some ways? Well, actually I do. Hold on,
and I talked about this on Kaylen Parents podcast. I'll
get cooked for being lukewarm. I'm not lukewarm. It's just
that when you say you are what.

Speaker 3 (22:16):
You have to do so much work.

Speaker 1 (22:18):
But yeah, exactly like Jesus right Christian.

Speaker 3 (22:24):
By the way, if you look at just what Jesus said,
it's like super radical by today's stupids, and it goes
against everything that the that the people on the right
who have co opted Jesus say.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
And I think you have said that perfectly, and so
I will attempt not to add to it. I will
really make the best effort because I think what Jeff
said is clear and it's concise, and I agree that Myers, No,

(22:54):
that's not how you play it would be. It would then,
I said, Seth, and I went on to Myers not
compound where Yeah, so I failed and see, this is
why I would stay up trying to beat myself at
this stupid, fucking stupid game. But culturally, what does it
mean for you to be culturally Christian?

Speaker 3 (23:15):
Well, that's where I grew up. Like I'm like, my
my background is super like, you know, Protestant down the
middle waspy kind of situation because my husband is Jewish,
and he really, even though he is more of a
Buddhist now he is, he identifies culturally as Jewish because
he's all he's got all the sort of stereotypes and

(23:35):
things like that. But I guess I do believe like
loving people as good. I do believe in helping people.
I do believe that, like if somebody is hungry, you
should give them food. I do believe if someone is
in need of a place to live, you should give
them a place to live.

Speaker 1 (23:56):
And oh no, it sounds like Jesus to me, it's
given Christian.

Speaker 3 (24:02):
I am edgy.

Speaker 1 (24:06):
It's giving Christian. That's so edgy of you.

Speaker 3 (24:11):
I think people shouldn't be naked.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
I think they should be fed as.

Speaker 3 (24:17):
Well, exactly, I mean, unless they want to be naked.

Speaker 1 (24:21):
We love you too.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
You know what I heard that nudists are actually called naturists. Now,
isn't that interesting?

Speaker 1 (24:28):
See I identify culturally as a nudist as well. Genuinely,
are you what does it mean when you're home?

Speaker 3 (24:35):
Are you just like I'm naked if I'm home?

Speaker 1 (24:36):
Low key? Yes, I've answered. This is awful to say.
Am I gonna get sued by someone? But I I
answer the door naked sometimes when my glam team is
coming to get me ready for an event full frontal
no coach coach will be but it's nude underwear, so
you think it's you think you're getting coach, but then

(24:57):
you're like, oh, she has underwear on the same time.

Speaker 3 (24:58):
But is that because you have to get like you're
like your neck done or something too, or.

Speaker 1 (25:03):
No, it's because I like probably just got out of
the shower and like I timed things poorly. And then
they're at the door, and I don't, like, I think
it's so rude to make people wait at your door.
Get that, And so I'm like hi, and sometimes like
nice to meet you. Just come on into my house.

Speaker 4 (25:24):
My anes are up here.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
Wherever you know. So so I think culturally, but I've
never googled what it means to truly means to be
a nudist or a naturist now, and for me, when
I hear natures I think that's like that person wants
to be in the woods.

Speaker 3 (25:39):
And like, yeah, that does sound like someone in the woods.

Speaker 1 (25:42):
It sounds like Dylan Ephron. To me, he seems like
a natureist. I don't relate to that. Nat is the
way I think of naturist.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
He.

Speaker 1 (25:52):
I think he likes to be outside, and I think
he likes to do out, not naked. I like to
be right.

Speaker 3 (25:58):
He's always like climbing mountains stuff.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
Yeah, I don't want to do that, but I'm talking
being naked. So when I hear the word nature, I
think they should keep it neudiced. This is my petition
for that. Please talk to them.

Speaker 4 (26:08):
About well wear in close contact.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
Please talk to them.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
See I this is okay, this is so weird to
tell you, but tell me this. As of New Year's Eve,
I started trying to sleep naked. I can't do it
every time.

Speaker 1 (26:22):
I can't sleep naked either. What's going on with you?
What's the trouble?

Speaker 3 (26:26):
Well? I wanted to do it because I want to
work on like body shame issues. And I was like,
maybe if I'm just always naked. I'll just be like
this is the this is the skinner in or whatever.
But what I don't like is like around three am,
when I wake up and I'm spelling.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
Words because it's going to happen every night.

Speaker 3 (26:43):
I need to like kick my leg out and like
get a little cool. Yes, And I just don't like
having my bare ass out and then like my dog
or my cat, it's going to see my butt. Yeah,
somehow like that, I think is probably why I should
continue doing it, because my dog and my cat don't
care about my own They don't care there literal butthole.

Speaker 1 (27:03):
You've seen everything, You've seen them ship they should in public.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
Not only do they should in public, but then they
demand I pick up.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
I'm ready to go on to the next stop. I'm
ready to go pee on someone's bike. Yeah, I think
they're fine. How do you feel about pets seeing you
have sex?

Speaker 3 (27:22):
Not into it?

Speaker 1 (27:22):
It's spooky, I know.

Speaker 3 (27:24):
And it feels like a.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
Child it does? It does? It feels like a child
is watching you.

Speaker 3 (27:30):
Yes, And I feel like it's a real It's actually
really difficult because our dog does sleep in our bed.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
Oh wow.

Speaker 3 (27:39):
And and and you know the cat would be welcome
if she would want to know.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
She's like, I've seen what you guys do in that.

Speaker 4 (27:45):
Bad now, thank you.

Speaker 1 (27:51):
Okay. So as far as sleeping nude, I have to
say I also cannot do it. I do have a
specific way I need to sleep, though, which needs to
be T shirt and no bottoms. I need the underwear on,
but I don't. I don't like. I don't like rank shorts.
I don't like rank sweats. I don't like I mean
a socks to bed. Oh no, that's insane to me. Yes,

(28:12):
I don't know how anyone sleeps with socks.

Speaker 3 (28:14):
Yeah, well, I what I like is a cold room
with heavy blanket.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (28:18):
And then like you can occasionally be like yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:21):
Yes, same, same, But I'm getting like, I'm currently sleeping
with my room sixty nine degrees. I've announced on the
podcast before. For people who listen regularly, they know, but
not exactly. It's kind of a symbolic. But now I'm
down to sixty eight. Oh, I fear it's just gonna
get lower and lower. I'm just so hot and I

(28:42):
refuse to like to do I refuse to remove blankets.
I'm like, no, I need that weight I need the
weight of the blanket on me. And when I've gone
to a hotel or something and they don't have a
comforter and it's just the sheet, I'm like, I'll never
rest in this place.

Speaker 3 (28:57):
I know, what is that about?

Speaker 1 (28:58):
I don't.

Speaker 3 (28:58):
Sometimes it's a fancy.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
Fancy hotel and I go, where is the comforter? Where's
the duvet?

Speaker 3 (29:04):
Exactly?

Speaker 4 (29:05):
I need a little weight.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
I need weight. I will not be able to sleep
without weight, and and so naked to me, even naked
going to bed can't do it, won't. I would never
be able to fall asleep like that. I need the
weight of a T shirt, which is nothing, but I
need it. And somehow being that exposed does feel wrong.
For the people who are able to sleep naked, I'd
be curious for them to chime in in the comments.

Speaker 3 (29:26):
Yeah, I think some people are just like really into it.
I always feel naked when I naked. Yeah, the idea
of answering for adoram team. But naked, I mean I
just lay.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
Sometimes yeah okay, yeah, and that would be I feel offensive,
like penis in her face? Unnecessary? Somehow, I think tits
are fine, right, yeah, but a lot are allowed to
walk around New York with no shirt on there. Yeah,
they freed, which I wouldn't do that. That doesn't interest me.
That doesn't so I am.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 1 (30:00):
You wouldn't even show niles.

Speaker 3 (30:03):
If you see my nipples, I haven't paid an exceptional
amount of money.

Speaker 1 (30:07):
Are they big or small?

Speaker 3 (30:09):
Pink? Very tiny?

Speaker 1 (30:10):
They're tiny, pink or brown, sort of.

Speaker 3 (30:12):
A red, you know, like that nineties lip color that
women would wear that kind of color.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
A beautiful nipple if you asked me, gorgeous.

Speaker 3 (30:21):
But I'm very big. I think they're probably just normal
nipple sides. But they look they look like beady little eyes,
like a little caricature artists. They little beady eyes on
my big, big chest head.

Speaker 1 (30:33):
Can I just say, God must have spent a little
more time on you. That's what it's the character artist
was God well done?

Speaker 3 (30:41):
Thank you God.

Speaker 1 (30:43):
It all comes back always when I have to understand
how you found your way to the uc B. And
if you've told this story a thousand times, pardon me. Actually, okay,
I'm just I'm curious.

Speaker 3 (30:57):
I took I was in den. My friend Katie was like,
will you come with me to join this improv team
because I'm perraid that they'll be like a cult or.

Speaker 1 (31:06):
Something, and it maybe it is a little bit. We're
still in the cult because I'm in it. Yeah, And
when you want you.

Speaker 3 (31:14):
Are you a UCB person. I wasn't sure if you
actually were a UCB person or if like you did
your own thing and sometimes you did it at UCB
and then they just came.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
Out to me. No, I was very much at UCB.
I'm a UCB purist. I truly like La in La.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
But when did you start there?

Speaker 1 (31:32):
I started? It had to be it had to be
twenty twelve.

Speaker 3 (31:37):
So we had a little crossover we did because I
didn't leave till twenty fifteen.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
Oh yeah, we definitely had crossover. Then I wasn't on
the main stage on Harold Night, which is the main
stage Monday nights until twenty it will fall twenty fifteen.

Speaker 3 (31:56):
So I just missed you passing.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
So now we're here be about it. But you went
and you're like, okay, but that wasn't UCB and Denver.
It was like an improv troop.

Speaker 3 (32:05):
It was just an improv team. And then I said,
I'm going to get my masters in New York. Okay,
I think I was still planning on actually getting it. Yeah,
and they said and I said, I'm going to do this.
I looked it up and I'm going to do Chicago
City limits and they said, don't do that. Do UCB.
That's where everything is happening. Oh and then I started

(32:26):
watching their TV show and I was like.

Speaker 1 (32:29):
Okay, asscat right or was.

Speaker 3 (32:31):
They had like an upright Citizens Brigade TV show on
Comedy Central. It was like a sketch show with just
the four people, okay. And so then so then I
just started taking classes. And when I was in level one,
nine to eleven happened and they told us, like on
my first day of level one, they said yes.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
And that you said.

Speaker 3 (32:56):
Okay, They said Amy Pople are got on SNL and
I was like, who's same and they were like the
girl and I was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 1 (33:02):
Yeah, the one of the four that you were watching
on Comedy Central. Exactly a lot was happening. Then, huh
nine to eleven, Amy Builder got SNL and you were
an improv one on one and I was.

Speaker 3 (33:11):
An improv one on one. It was a terrible class.

Speaker 1 (33:14):
Why was it so bad because of the tragedy or
something else?

Speaker 3 (33:17):
I think their tragedy didn't help. Sure, but there was
just a lot of There was like three people in it,
you know how like sometimes you have a class and
there's one person who's just like you are sucking up
all of the energy. We had three of them. Oh,
they were all trying to suck up all the energy
and it was exhausting.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
Yeah, it can be a lot. And improv is such
in theory meant to be such a supportive space that
when people are sucking up all the energy like that,
or there's that person who like really doesn't even or
for instance, doesn't get it. Yeah, you're supposed to like
have their back and make them look like a genius.
And it's actually quite lovely. And then at times you're like,

(33:56):
can we bring a little bit of the real world
into this and let them know tag you out? Yeah,
that's that's your power, liveeson tagging them out.

Speaker 3 (34:05):
You know. There are a couple of times when I've
when when I've been like, can I tag out the
person in the scene that I'm in.

Speaker 1 (34:11):
The how do I tag you out?

Speaker 3 (34:14):
I tell you about come in and play the same.

Speaker 1 (34:18):
You will do what they're doing, but better. That's more
sense that I know, and that's not good improv. That's
being a bad teammate. And we don't endorse that.

Speaker 3 (34:26):
I don't endorse it. We do not stay in school.

Speaker 1 (34:29):
Kids, No, no.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
Oh don't because we don't like school. I know, but
didn't you say I had to say stay in school.

Speaker 1 (34:35):
Oh yeah, stay in cool school, but go to improv school.
Everyone drop out of regular school and go to improv school.

Speaker 3 (34:40):
Do you recommend it?

Speaker 1 (34:41):
I well, I don't think you should drop out of.

Speaker 4 (34:43):
School, especially to do in prov.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
School, not to do in prop school. But I do
think improv school is good for everyone, regardless of what
you want to do professionally.

Speaker 3 (34:51):
I agree with that. I do think that you can
stay too long. There are some people who are taking
class and I I guess it's also like it that's
what that's what brings you joy? Who cares?

Speaker 1 (35:00):
I know, I mean if, but I don't. The thing
is like, how many improv classes could you really take?
I'm sure someone could answer that for us, since I've
taken a hundred, and I go, that's fascinating.

Speaker 3 (35:09):
But interesting.

Speaker 1 (35:10):
I look interesting. It's interesting. I've been taken by what
you just said. I love improv. I really do think
everyone should be yeah, if you stay too long, I yeah,
I guess it's it's a who cares. I know that
I couldn't couldn't be me, but it could be you.
You know when people say that couldn't be me, that's fine,
could be someone else. I did say it was such

(35:32):
a judgment. I didn't think that, you know, people couldn't
be me, Like that's fine, it doesn't have to be you.

Speaker 3 (35:38):
Yeah, I don't like that kind of thing when people
are like, there's like an inherent I mean, I say,
I don't like that kind of thing, but I don't
really have anything more to say about it. But I
just feel like when people are like a little judgy
like that about like because that implies like it couldn't
be me because.

Speaker 1 (35:54):
I'm better then I'm better, I make better decisions than that.
And it's like, okay, well it will be you. Something
else that someone else does it? Like, how about that?
Could it be me? It could actually you don't have
all the details.

Speaker 3 (36:11):
The details I need.

Speaker 1 (36:12):
You got to get some deta is before you talk
like that. It's Spanish for details. It's not if you
couldn't tell you. I just feel like I should tell
people because I like to brag that I know Spanish,
like come thus dead, sure.

Speaker 3 (36:33):
A rio.

Speaker 1 (36:34):
And you know what's so crazy? I don't even know
what la piece means when I'm Mario amazing. I could
have deduced that lat piece was pencil if I had
taken some time. I just want to say, what if
I did that sleeping game but in Spanish?

Speaker 3 (36:52):
That will keep you?

Speaker 1 (36:55):
I would stay, what's the last thing that kept you awake? Honestly?
Because like, did this happen last night? Did you wake
up at three am?

Speaker 3 (37:03):
It didn't happen last night?

Speaker 1 (37:04):
Okay, God, I love this for you.

Speaker 3 (37:06):
I know it happened maybe like two nights ago, and
I woke up being like, oh my god, I have
been really neglecting my email. I I just remembered I
never wrote back.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
That happens to me all the time in the middle
of the day too. Who was it? Someone important? Everyone's important?

Speaker 3 (37:26):
It was?

Speaker 1 (37:27):
Okay, it was.

Speaker 3 (37:28):
I mean, you don't have to say, I'll say.

Speaker 1 (37:31):
Reveal it on the podcast. Said, Okay, Jeff Hiller is
about to say who kept him up at three am?
Or woke him up at three am? Because Jeff hadn't
responded to their email. Please reveal.

Speaker 3 (37:45):
It was Broadway superstar Gideon Glick.

Speaker 1 (37:49):
Okay, do you know where that is? I don't know
what anyone is.

Speaker 3 (37:55):
He was in Spring Awake and he was just in
that show at Twall. I remember that show at Twall,
the What's the Amy Sherman Palladino's and Dan Palladino's new show.

Speaker 1 (38:03):
Okay, I haven't seen. I haven't seen either.

Speaker 3 (38:05):
They canceled it, so you're not.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
But I would love to meet it in And he
wrote me.

Speaker 3 (38:10):
An email and I forgot to write him back, and
I woke up and I was like, it's been like
a week and a half.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
Oh, you're better than I am. You're better than I am.
That's the reverse of couldn't be me? Is you're better
than I But I genuinely mean it. There's no condescension
in that. Maybe when I tell you I have text
messages from November and here, oh better yet, I have
a reveal. I have text messages from like April May unanswered.

(38:38):
I think about they keep me up. I know they
keep setting a little bit as well.

Speaker 3 (38:42):
Now well, because why are they? Because the things I
don't answer is when I'm like, I don't have all
the information I need to think about it more.

Speaker 1 (38:49):
Anytimes, it's that Sometimes I get the text, I'm like,
I'm going to come back to this, this is really nice,
and then time passes, and then so much time passes
and I want to apologize to everyone. It weighs on me. Yeah,
it like I'm carrying this weight of unanswered everything, emails,

(39:10):
text And I saw this thing once that was like,
if I owe you an email, imagine what I owe myself.
I think about that. It's really profound. It was an
Instagram thing. Sometimes Instagram is deep.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Sometimes it is.

Speaker 1 (39:24):
And I feel that And so this woke you up
at three am. I can relate.

Speaker 3 (39:29):
But also, you know, when I'm about to tell you
a story, it requires me bragging.

Speaker 1 (39:35):
But please brag, Jeff. Okay, I actually also think that's
very fucking cool. So congratulation.

Speaker 3 (39:44):
But I got so many texts and I have this
like deep need to respond, but there were so many
that my phone kind of.

Speaker 1 (39:53):
Was like it got really hot.

Speaker 3 (39:56):
I always like, girl, we can't do it.

Speaker 1 (39:58):
Your phone tried to jump and okay.

Speaker 3 (40:00):
Like there are like on my on my you know
how you can get your I message on your phone
and also on your laptop. Yeah, I do it on
my laptop. It still says that there are thirty two
messages and you're trying to find that you cannot find them.
They're so deep.

Speaker 1 (40:14):
Speak on it. Let's address Apple right now. I know,
Tim Cook, Tim.

Speaker 4 (40:19):
Cook, Yeah, this is what you have to answer for.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
Yes, nothing else, everything else is all good, Tim Cook. This,
Jeff Hiller has thirty two. Jeff knew the exact numbers,
and it's red.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
Bubble because the red bubbles really stresses me out.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
I don't get it. I don't have the red bubble.
I have no notifications on my phone. The red bubble
is not allowed on my phone, specifically for text it does.
I had to make peace with it on my computer
because there were these phantom like unread texts, but you
can't track them, and your phone will tell you it's
all answered, but then the computer is saying something else.
They need to fix it.

Speaker 3 (40:52):
They do need to fix it. And I know that
there are because then sometimes now I'll go back to
text somebody about something else and I'll see that they
sent me a congratulations and I didn't even give it
a heart.

Speaker 1 (41:04):
You Hollywood motherfucker, you Holly Oh, Jeff thinks he's so
much better ever since he won that. I'm see, that's
what my concern would be. I have every intention of
responding to people this same I tell you what, before
I die, those one hundred and fifty texts are gonna
get him fifty. I know, trust me. My vagina just

(41:24):
got clammy. My butthole is clenched. I am now sweating
through the gray of this sweater, just want so much. Really,
who has made this incredible brand but very wisely made
herself not the face of the brand. I was reading

(41:44):
this whole thing on Instagram about it. Yeah, I should
be responding to text since I'm readings that don't concern
that is.

Speaker 4 (41:50):
The other thing such as that.

Speaker 3 (41:52):
Is that like I'm like, wait a minute, how come
I wasted this whole day and I still have things
like but.

Speaker 1 (41:57):
You know what, It's okay. It's called being human in
twenty twenty. And I can say that to you, and
I can say it with full confidence, and I want
to soothe you, and mate, let you know that those
thirty two people who have not been answered are going
to be okay. And no one is actually thinking you've
turned Hollywood because you didn't respond, and in fact, most
reasonable people. No, No, most reasonable people I know from

(42:19):
experience are understanding that your phone probably blew up that
day that week, right, and are like, I sent the
love I wanted to send the love. Jeff has no
responsibility to get back to me. I can't imagine getting
that many texts. Again, reasonable people are thinking, reasonable people,
and so I want to soothe you. Yet I can't
be soothed by that neither. Oh yeah, I hear that.
But I'm the person who responds to everyone.

Speaker 3 (42:40):
And when I have someone who has in my life,
who I personally know, who has like a moment that's
sort of, you know, very public that I want to
congratulate them, I'm like, oh, they're going to be mad
if I don't congratulate them. And it's like they're not
even going to notice.

Speaker 1 (42:55):
Yeah, it's true. In the celebration, like it's like a
good birthday part you're a good party. We don't actually
know who came or didn't come.

Speaker 3 (43:02):
You can irish good bye and they will not realize it.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
Not No, they'll think you were there the whole night exactly.

Speaker 3 (43:07):
And later you can be like, oh my god, that
was so great, and they're going to just be.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
Like, yeah, and that's it, and no one's thinking that
deeply except for the weird people. Except for the weird people.
Some of them are thinking and I've found but it's okay.
They should seek counsel and just have some lawyer.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
I've been saying that to people, a lawyer or therapist,
you pick, I said, lawyer if you'd like, but or
talk to a license as you should. That might get

(43:46):
a response out of me. It won't be very nice,
so I might. I don't. Well, you know when people
go just yeah, I get I get overwhelmed by the
amount of written communication and coming. It's not normal, it's
not healthy. It was supposed to be like this and yeah,
and so I have grace for you. But I do
think Tim Cook, mister Cook, fixed that.

Speaker 3 (44:09):
Yeah, because I even do the thing where it's like
you filter out just the unread and there's nothing there.
There's just laying there's nothing there. Please, I don't know,
there's nothing there.

Speaker 1 (44:23):
I know it. I had to make peace with that
red bubble on my computer. I had to make peace
with it. But I don't. Yeah, it's it's so. But
even the fact that it's i'd be curious about the
psychology behind the design, and like, is it meant to
induce anxiety the way that it does because I have
genuinely eliminated it from my text messages. Really smart, it's smart,

(44:45):
but then there's it's still weighs on me. So I
haven't sorted anything out for myself except for I can't
look at that red bubble on my phone and feel
like I haven't gone back to people. Somebody needs me.
It's like read for me signals alert emergency me too.

Speaker 3 (45:00):
That is when you's gone a ride exactly.

Speaker 1 (45:02):
Studio is red. Stressing me the fuck out. I am stressed.

Speaker 3 (45:09):
This studio is red.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
It is red. It's an emergency alert. You're in trouble, Jeff,
you're living inside.

Speaker 3 (45:16):
The shining or something.

Speaker 1 (45:21):
You're living inside of the thirty two text messages you
haven't answered. I am one of them, and I'm here
to confront you the fuck. I congratulated you on your
I mean I don't have Jeff's number. I congratulated you on.

Speaker 3 (45:31):
Your I'm so sorry you didn't say ship. I really
wanted to. No, I'm a victim.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
Oh of course, how narcissistic of you can now, don't
play victim.

Speaker 3 (45:46):
It's true, It's true. You know what, do you want
to hit me?

Speaker 1 (45:49):
I do? Okay, I won't though, because then I believe
you will seek counsel. You probably need both kinds. Ice.
I hit you this woman, I said, yeah, he has
to doing her weird podcast. She struck me, not the
good way, and now I need a lawyer and a psychiatrist.

Speaker 3 (46:09):
Struck.

Speaker 1 (46:10):
I've been struck. I've been taken by you today. I
have to say, I find you interesting, Barley interesting. Yeah,
did you have do you have? Do you have kids?
Any interest? To not use the word again, I know
us about it.

Speaker 3 (46:26):
Do you have interests? I have an answer on this.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
I do have interest. I've always wanted to have kids.
I've never had baby fever. I don't think once when
my cousins were babies. I think I was like so
obsessed my one cousin, Shouma as a kid. She I
just heard, chubby cheeks just entranced me. She's a grown woman.
Now she's engaged. She's beating me. No, no, I'm to

(46:57):
get to to get to death. I need to do
all the things. Yeah, she was obsessed with her little
chubby cheeks. Never had baby fever. And that's the thing.
I'm like, I hear people speak about baby fever, never
had it, So now I'm like, am I did? I am?
I missing a chip there. But I've always wanted kids,
but now I've gotten so used to not having them.
I'm like, do you want them? But I believe that

(47:20):
I do want them. I've just gotten so accustomed to
But what's all about me?

Speaker 3 (47:25):
I know? And I also Okay, so I've never been
the kind of person that's like, I want a baby.
I want a baby so badly, Like I wasn't like
the person who had a baby toy when I was
a kid. Yeah, but I had I was. I've also
never been the person who's like, these fucking kids, I
meet these kids, yeah, and you're like, it's McDonald's.

Speaker 1 (47:47):
You're in the ballpen, it's not the kid exactly.

Speaker 3 (47:51):
I've never been that person either, Like I love kids,
I like playing with them and stuff like that. And
I think I would be a good secondary parent. I
think i'd be a great secondary parent.

Speaker 1 (48:00):
Do you mean like a step parent or is in
like your partner really wants kids, like Neil really wants kids,
and you'll like help, you'll lend a hand, well.

Speaker 3 (48:08):
Not lend a hand, like I would be active, but
like if work called me away, I would go.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Away, okay, because it's going to be work over them.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
Kids exactly, And like obviously this is historically very gendered.
Would be like the mom has to like know where
the doctor's appointments are and schedule the camps and stuff,
whereas the dad is just like, let's go play, let's go,
you know what I mean? And so uh, and my
husband doesn't want kids at all, Like he is the
kind of person who's like, oh, he is that person.

(48:38):
And I'm alway like, calm down, we are out of
one year old's birthday party.

Speaker 4 (48:43):
They're allowed to be here.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
I do you know what, But the one year old's birthday,
I have to say, to your husband's credit, does feel
like a party for the adults, because I'm like, one
year old, don't give a damn.

Speaker 3 (48:53):
That's true. That's true.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
Girl doesn't know. And then you spend all this money.
I haven't done it yet, but I have. Who is
this for?

Speaker 3 (48:59):
I had a friend and she was like, these people
are throwing a birthday party for their one year old.
It's so fucking stupid. I can't they think like they're
gonna just shove it in my face that they have
a baby. And I was like, I think this might
be about you.

Speaker 1 (49:12):
I think you should have to seek counsel because there's
something sunpacked.

Speaker 3 (49:16):
I was like, I get it that you don't want
to have to change your life around kids. But they're
allowed to throw their child a party, astutely.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
Absolutely allowed to. Yeah they are. Yes, yes, it couldn't
be me, but yeah, but no, they are allowed to.
They're allowed to, And I.

Speaker 3 (49:30):
Think that's fine. I think you can just not go.

Speaker 1 (49:32):
Yes, that's that is always an option, by the way,
being offended like it's an interesting choice. So it sounds
though like, given you want to be secondary parent, your
husband has no interest in kids, and you guys aren't
gonna have kids?

Speaker 3 (49:46):
No, no, don't I mean. And I'm also like, he's
sixty two, I'm fifty. Way like if we had it tomorrow,
we would be like I would be my seventies.

Speaker 1 (49:55):
The I don't think you should have kids because you
just said it.

Speaker 3 (49:58):
And so I live in a one bedroom apartment. I
think there's family enough room for my dog crate. Come,
I'm gonna put the baby in there, the dogs in there,
the dogs in.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
There, Okay, I'm voting and it's not my place and
it's not my business, and it's not appropriate. This isn't appropriate,
but I don't think I should.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Have to be really honest. I had like a real
freak out about it, like where I were like, have
me like a straight up breakdown?

Speaker 1 (50:24):
Why?

Speaker 3 (50:25):
Because I didn't have him? And it was during COVID.
I was forty five. My career had been nothing at
that point, and my I I think before then, I
had used improv as like a salve to make me
feel like something was happening. But there was no improv
happening during COVID, and so I was just sitting alone
in my apartment and I was like, right now, I

(50:46):
should be protecting my child. I need to I need
to protect my child.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
I should have called you because I needed protection. I
wish I had your number so that I could send
you a text. You wouldn't answer.

Speaker 3 (51:05):
I tried to, I can't find it genuinely. Were you
in New York?

Speaker 1 (51:09):
I was in New York and I had this big
I've said this before, but I had this moment where
I was like, I'm an adult. Now I have to
decide if I stay here, go to LA. Going to
LA was an option, and I was like, I need
to figure out what's right If I get on a
plane and I get sick in this disease and I
don't know that I thought it would kill me. I
don't know what I thought, but I was so painted
because I was in midtown Manhattan, and I was I

(51:31):
had just moved for SNL like say, two years prior,
and I would go back to LA on every break.
So every two week break we got, I'd go back
to LA. So I still very much was rooted there
in many ways, right, and so I kept during COVID
when I was trying to decide if I got should
get on that plane or not, I specifically like had
a I cried in the shower. I was like, I need,
I need. I wish I was someone's child so that

(51:51):
they could fuck this up and it would be their responsibility.
I'm like, if I make the wrong choice, it's like
on me. I guess I'm an adult now. So I
wish I had your number because I'd like, take care
of me, hold me, you can hold you.

Speaker 4 (52:09):
I'm pretty big though, I could I could actually.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
Hold you next time.

Speaker 1 (52:14):
If I'm not someone's mom.

Speaker 3 (52:15):
But you know, I probably. But the other thing is
though that as a parent, like hearing you just say
that makes me think, oh, I shouldn't be a parent
because I was like, oh, I probably make the wrong choice.

Speaker 1 (52:23):
I think that's what it is. Though I don't know
because I'm not a parent, but I'm sort of like
everyone's guessing. I believe is the sense I get. So
I don't even mean to say that as some childless harlot.

Speaker 3 (52:36):
Now you're a fall on harlot.

Speaker 1 (52:38):
That comfort, I'll work on that.

Speaker 3 (52:44):
Maybe you should go talk to your lawyer, Okay, I will.

Speaker 1 (52:49):
She's great. I bet she will have something to say
about that. She's brilliant and so therapist. I I don't
know that it's my place, but I get the sense now,
and it's why I've been able to like give my
mom grace. Is I'm like everyone's kind of guessing. Its
every I heard this thing, which is maybe not profound,

(53:09):
but was impactful to me. I'd feel like I just
heard it a month ago, two months. Every this is
everyone's first time being human, and that means your first
time being a parent, even if you first time being
a parent to each child, because each child is different
and my understanding is if you can love your kids
and do your very best, and they're all going to
kind of just turn out how they turn out. And
that sounds all very stressful, but I'm like, I, no

(53:33):
one knows what they're doing and they're guessing, and so
you probably would have fucked it up. But even me,
like making the decision to stay in New York versus
go to LA, like they both had their pros and
their cons and everyone's making the best decision or most
people making the best decision they can with all the
information they have at the time, and.

Speaker 3 (53:49):
The decisions are personal too. It's like, yeah, that's so true.
Did you go to LA?

Speaker 1 (53:54):
I did, and I stayed in New York and I
became a woman. I say, COVID made me a woman. Okay,
I became a woman.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
There's like a breath in there.

Speaker 1 (54:06):
I became a It sounds like I started touching myself
during first during COVID, That's when I began to explore myself.

Speaker 3 (54:27):
This is like, this is your next update, character locked down. Oh,
I became a woman. I feel like I became uh,
like I didn't get anything like everyone else was, Like
I grew so much during it, and I was just like,
I didn't do.

Speaker 1 (54:45):
Anything, That's why you needed the child. And then, much
like people did with their pets, you give the child
away at the end of lockdown. And I this wasn't
actually for me. We need to rehome you, we have to.
I thought this this is I was home and now
work is calling. I'm gonna have to go in an emmy,
so we're gonna read home you.

Speaker 3 (55:06):
I know you take cats and dogs. Do you take babies?
Human babies? I just toddler, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (55:12):
Just leave it in a basket outside of the dogs.

Speaker 3 (55:15):
I left a note, yeah, please take care of this bear.

Speaker 1 (55:26):
Jeff No, I almost wish you had done If I'm kidding,
we're kidding. Remember we're comedians around here. Guys.

Speaker 3 (55:34):
Commons, it's commissions.

Speaker 1 (55:35):
It's not a deep what's this accent?

Speaker 3 (55:37):
I don't know. But I'm a woman now.

Speaker 1 (55:42):
I really did. I really grew up. I really was like, bitch,
you better figure it out.

Speaker 3 (55:47):
Yeah you.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
I was like, what are you gonna leave your apartment
that you pay for and go stay on someone's couch
which is low key?

Speaker 3 (55:53):
Oh?

Speaker 4 (55:53):
Because you didn't have your own space.

Speaker 1 (55:55):
And I did have my own space in LA and
I could have stayed on couches and they would have
welcomed to me. But I was like, I need alone
time and I don't know how long I'll.

Speaker 3 (56:03):
Be out there, and you'd have been out there a
long time, it.

Speaker 1 (56:06):
Turns out, and I don't think that would have worked
for me. So instead, I guess you.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
Could go like hiking and stuff there, whereas here, I
did feel a little trapped.

Speaker 1 (56:13):
I felt trumped and that you also out there. Yeah,
they did it. And I went to La in June
of that year and my friend had her birthday at
a park and they were all trying to hug me,
but I'd come from New York and I was like,
don't touch me. I was in the epicenter. I was like,
I don't want to hug. I don't want to hug.
And they were like, the go it's fine because they
did not have the same experience as us here. And

(56:35):
I'm at the birthday party at Griffith Park like I
was at the epicenter. I have I kept saying, I
have PTSD. I was in the epicenter. Happy birthday, Happy
birthday to you, Happy birth Happy birthday, please. I was
in the epicenter at PTSD.

Speaker 3 (56:49):
There's something about while saying Happy birthday, that it's very
funny to me, Happy.

Speaker 1 (56:53):
Birthday, Happy birthday, just give us all gets fine, No, no,
this is a boundary. Happy birthday.

Speaker 4 (57:00):
I am riddled. It's all over me, leads me down.

Speaker 1 (57:07):
I was truly like, looking back, how chaotic I was.
I love my friends because they loved me through it,
and these are wonderful people.

Speaker 3 (57:17):
I'm sure afterwards they were like, did.

Speaker 1 (57:19):
You hear aggo was in the episode she has talk
about wish she would have stayed in New York? What
she come over here with this energy? For that weird shit?
Happy birthday? Each hand represented one word happy birthday.

Speaker 3 (57:35):
I know she's a hugger.

Speaker 1 (57:37):
Yeah, and I am Did.

Speaker 3 (57:38):
I say that to you when when you came in?

Speaker 1 (57:40):
Now she's giving me hands, give me hand. She is PTSD.
That was I'm trying to I diagnosed myself, didn't you know?

Speaker 3 (57:46):
Do you are you in therapy?

Speaker 1 (57:48):
Yeah? I have a really good therapist. I think you
can have a bad therapist. I think you have a
mediocre therapist. So you like any other profession?

Speaker 3 (57:54):
So yeah, because E M d R is really good
for that's the blinking. Yeah, it's the bye lateral stimulating.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
Oh it's not the blinking. I just made that up,
winking you. How is my wink? By the way, so fast?
My last season at US now, I think we spent
like a month. It was either a week or a month.
I can't remember time. Time is a construct. And I'm
trying to be like, how good is my wink? And

(58:22):
everyone's like, yours seems like a twitch. It is very
Also the one who started the conversation because I was like,
I have a very good way and I want to
see how Like, say you were at a bar and
I was trying to I was proudly. I was like,
this is a wake. This is a nice.

Speaker 3 (58:40):
Esteem in my wink ability.

Speaker 1 (58:41):
And I was like, let's see your wakes. And everyone
was like in full agreement that my winks were twitches.

Speaker 3 (58:48):
It's very fast.

Speaker 1 (58:49):
Okay, let's try again, genuinely. Okay, So, like this is
how we did it at work that time. Pretend and
I have so many more questions to ask you, but
we need.

Speaker 3 (58:57):
To pause for this.

Speaker 1 (58:58):
This is important, the commercial break for my wing. Okay,
So like this is how we set it up. Say
you're at a bar, you're talking to a friend, you're
drinking a drink. Okay, we kind of and then you
kind of keep glancing at me, and I notice and.

Speaker 3 (59:11):
Then like, I'm not a straight guys, just straight guys
like this where they like weirdly masturbate their straw. Im
is churning, butterby, you'd be surprised.

Speaker 5 (59:29):
Ess.

Speaker 1 (59:29):
That's all I'll say about that. Okay, So okay, No,
I don't want to look at that man. Unfortunately, we
have to start this over.

Speaker 3 (59:38):
Hold on, let me do my surp.

Speaker 1 (59:39):
Okay, but like maybe you're looking at me. I set
this up wrong. You're looking at me, and then I'm like, oh, okay,
that that hot guy who can't close his mouth just
looking at me.

Speaker 3 (59:51):
Okay, let's straight guys can't close their mouth.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
They care actually, and you mean that in every sense, okay,
so okay. So then I would be like this, Okay,
I would. I'm getting nervous now, okay, this is good.
I'm getting nervous. And then I go, is it a
twitch or is it away? I'm getting the dirtiest look.

Speaker 3 (01:00:13):
I mean, I will say I don't know there are
other people here, but I will say, when you did it,
I did feel they need to flinch. You know what
it feels like. It feels like you're like I'm gonna
do I'm so hurt.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
Okay, no, this is hurting my feelings.

Speaker 3 (01:00:35):
I'm so sorry you guys.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
I appreciate honestly because I'll work on it. Let me try.

Speaker 3 (01:00:39):
I will say your eyes are gorgeous.

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
Thank you. No, you don't have to try to build
me up.

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
No, no, no no, But I want to make you in
my image.

Speaker 4 (01:00:49):
I'm like the military, break you down and then I
make you in Miami.

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
Okay, is done. I would like the opportunity. And this
is me spending way too much time. Many people will
skip through this, and it's important to me, and you're
giving me a microphone and a platform for some god
for saken reason. I don't know why any may be
watching this, but I would like to the opportunity to
try again with my right eye.

Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
Okay, okay, oh okay, in a way.

Speaker 1 (01:01:14):
That is not offensive. Maybe a gentler flirt.

Speaker 5 (01:01:17):
Ye.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
I don't want to make you flinch. I want to
make you go oh sex.

Speaker 3 (01:01:22):
Is this some people flirt? I don't think that's what
you do. That's scary, Like nineteen twenty.

Speaker 1 (01:01:26):
This is my problem.

Speaker 3 (01:01:29):
If it's very old fashioned to be like.

Speaker 1 (01:01:31):
Wind, wouldn't it be nice?

Speaker 3 (01:01:36):
Yeah? I don't know to have an old fashioned just like.

Speaker 1 (01:01:39):
A swipe and a yeah, okay, anyway up or whatever
you up? Come on a wink at a bar. Okay, yeah,
it's nice.

Speaker 3 (01:01:46):
Okay, Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
So I'm gonna try again with my right eye. Okay,
my dominant eye. It is my dominant eye. If you
could have one. Then I'm gonna try with my left
and then we're gonna close the case.

Speaker 3 (01:01:58):
Okay, okay, and we'll get my desk.

Speaker 1 (01:02:00):
New questions. You didn't come here for this bullshit, but
I have a captive.

Speaker 4 (01:02:04):
This is exactly what I wanted.

Speaker 1 (01:02:06):
Okay. They're going to cancel the podcast any day now.
She's winking. It's it's an audio first thing in the
audible platform, and she's winking it's fine. I'm waiting for
them to call. Okay, all right, so you're over there.
I find you attractive, your mouth is open, your straight
guy or whatever. And then I'm like, okay, so that
first time was aggressive, and I'm like, oh, cute, cute, cute.

Speaker 3 (01:02:29):
That was good.

Speaker 1 (01:02:30):
That was good. Growth, That was growth. Okay. Now I
want to try with my left because I was like,
I'm pready good both. Okay, all right, so you're over there,
same deal. I find you attractive and I go that one.

Speaker 3 (01:02:44):
Now, I had to tell you it was a little muddled.
That one felt a little bit like you had something.

Speaker 1 (01:02:49):
In your eye for us to move on. I think
we're gonna cut all of that out. We're not cut like.

Speaker 3 (01:02:55):
That's not like you.

Speaker 4 (01:02:56):
I don't need the feedback out of place.

Speaker 1 (01:02:59):
I know it was bad.

Speaker 3 (01:03:02):
Thank you for I don't think I'm a good winker.

Speaker 1 (01:03:05):
Can I see with your better eye? Just so I feel?
But you have to do the mouth.

Speaker 4 (01:03:11):
And I have to like move my hair. I'm that emoji.

Speaker 1 (01:03:16):
Great.

Speaker 4 (01:03:19):
Yeah, anyway, this is this has always worked for me.

Speaker 3 (01:03:25):
Let's have sex.

Speaker 1 (01:03:30):
Maybe there can be three other people because I'm one
of the things.

Speaker 3 (01:03:34):
It's ironic that I would be choosing this symbol to
have sex, because it's really it's more.

Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
Like, and I'm over here, like, okay.

Speaker 3 (01:03:42):
This is how they do it. I feel like this
is how they do it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:44):
You just seem like a responsible adult. I keep looking
for guidance. I need it. Oh no, it's too late,
she's too far gone. Same, by the way, fatherless child.
But you had a dad, a good dad. We're not

(01:04:05):
trying to circle back to dad's actually good COVID question
for you and your husband. Yeah, were did you guys
get closer to because you said nothing happened. Some people
got closer, some people fought more. It was just like
you guys were. It was status quo for you at.

Speaker 3 (01:04:18):
First, we got close. He was an early adopter of
the disease, so he had it in March of twenty twenty. Yes,
and also he is like, I don't know why, but
his body just like it is like a whore for COVID. Oh,
she is as like as a COVID slot. He just
gets it all the time. And so there was a

(01:04:41):
lot of me sleeping on the couch and him being
in the bedroom and like me bringing soup to him
stuff like. And I felt like, ironically that actually did
make us close because I really felt like I was
caring for him and stuff. But then around seven months in,
I was like, go away, he's the away somewhere exactly,

(01:05:02):
and I would just like walk around. We live on
the Lower East Side, and so I just walked down
by the river. Hmmm, be like looking like at the
end of a Reese Witherspoon or something cable and sweater,
just looking out, dreaming, dreaming of something where I had
a room of one's own.

Speaker 1 (01:05:23):
How did you guys, how did you guys get past
that moment?

Speaker 3 (01:05:27):
Well, the only thing that saved us is he's a
visual artist and he has an art studio and he
was sharing it with someone. But the woman he was
sharing it with is a painter, but she's also a
medical doctor. Oh so she like was like, I'm not
going to the studio at all, and so we could
go to the studio when we needed to. I mean,
it's not a place that has a bathroom or anything,
but I mean it has a bathroom, but it's like

(01:05:48):
down the hall and stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
But oh, how inconvenient.

Speaker 3 (01:05:53):
Listen. I don't want to be shutting down the.

Speaker 1 (01:05:55):
Hall, down the hall that steps away. Please, I think
that's okay that it's down the hall. But okay, so
you but then you guys would both go no.

Speaker 4 (01:06:05):
No, no, he would go, and I would be like, Okay,
he's gone.

Speaker 3 (01:06:09):
I need a little alone time.

Speaker 1 (01:06:10):
Yeah, all right, that's nice, shout out to the studio. Yeah,
this is what this is.

Speaker 3 (01:06:15):
And then we had a pod with our friends. Sue
and her cousins, who are a straight family, had.

Speaker 1 (01:06:22):
A house that a straight family.

Speaker 4 (01:06:25):
There's a reason I say that.

Speaker 3 (01:06:27):
They they let her bring us in our pod and
stay at their house in the Fire Islands Pine Pines neighborhood,
which is like the gay part of Fire Island. Oh
but we got to go and stay there for free
for a week. And even though they're a straight family.

Speaker 1 (01:06:44):
Do you think it was them trying to like maintain
residents because they were going to get kicked out of
the neighborhood for being straights. They thought, let's let the
go come you need to put I'm kidding.

Speaker 3 (01:06:56):
Do not believe that that was what it was. I
think they were like, I guess, yeah, you can stay there?

Speaker 1 (01:07:01):
Were they not there?

Speaker 3 (01:07:03):
Not at that point?

Speaker 1 (01:07:03):
Oh? Nice people in their extra property?

Speaker 3 (01:07:06):
Isn't it wild?

Speaker 1 (01:07:07):
Incredible? Do you have an additional property?

Speaker 5 (01:07:09):
No?

Speaker 3 (01:07:09):
But I want one so badly. I can't even afford
like an assistant or I can't even I don't even
have a Oh I was gonna thank someone.

Speaker 1 (01:07:17):
Oh my gosh, I keep what is this podcast? Who
gave me this podcast? And I need to talk to
them until them you've made a gigantic fucking mistake.

Speaker 3 (01:07:26):
Do not say that.

Speaker 1 (01:07:27):
You start so good, thank you, but can you believe?
And it's eleven eleven. That's how woo woo I am
that I need to we need to do something. We
paid homage to eleven eleven. I'm sorry that I Oh
my god.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
The person who's listening to this so confused right now.
And then they were like then there was some beating happening.

Speaker 1 (01:07:52):
And then they're just making noises. You'll have to watch
on YouTube. And okay, so what's that accent? What is
that accent? Oh my gosh, Jeff, what's going on with me? Okay,
what's the very last thing you said to me? Because
I'm drunk on power.

Speaker 3 (01:08:10):
I said I was supposed to thank someone.

Speaker 1 (01:08:12):
Thank you? You should. You should take over this podcasting forward.
That's what I was going to say. This podcast is now,
thanks Dad with Jeff Hiller. I'll come on from time
to time to showface, let people know I'm still alive.
Face Jeff can come wink. I'm gonna get good at
it too while I'm away. Who or what do you

(01:08:33):
want to say thanks to?

Speaker 3 (01:08:35):
I want to say so you know, Okay, So we
were just talking about how like I don't have enough
money to have another property, which I often thought like
if I had a TV show, I would have money, but.

Speaker 1 (01:08:45):
It doesn't work that way, especially not in this day
and age.

Speaker 3 (01:08:48):
Okay, and so I can't afford to pay my publicist always.
But I have this great publicist, Sam Serni Bason.

Speaker 1 (01:08:54):
She's great, Sam.

Speaker 3 (01:08:56):
She I can't pay her right now because like what
am I Rockefeller? And I'm not promoting anything. So I
was going to think Maxwell, our manager, Lucas's assistant, because
Maxwell Barnes, because he has been basically taking over the
duties of my publicist, and like at one point, like

(01:09:18):
he like arranged my travel and stuff. I mean I
paid for it, but like such a city, but he
like helped because I was like, I don't know, like
Delta doesn't fly from LA to Chicago, and he like
found me a United flight. It was very very sweet.

Speaker 1 (01:09:39):
Yeah, I could have told you that you got to
get my number after this because Chicago's a hub for United.
Why do I know that I don't know I traveled?

Speaker 3 (01:09:48):
Perhaps, do you have a loyalty program.

Speaker 1 (01:09:51):
For I do? So here's what I'll say. Whoever wants
to give me endorsement money. I will chase, we will
edit out what I'm about the truth and then put
in your brand. Okay, great, but the truth, truth, the truth,
the truth is. It's Delta. I'm a Delta Diva.

Speaker 3 (01:10:10):
You too, I'm Diamond.

Speaker 1 (01:10:12):
I'm Diamond.

Speaker 3 (01:10:12):
Sooo oh my god, isn't it so nice?

Speaker 1 (01:10:15):
It's really nice. They give you the little tags for
your bag. Uh huh.

Speaker 4 (01:10:19):
They call him brag tax, the brag tags.

Speaker 1 (01:10:21):
I don't put them on my bags because it just
feels too it feels braggadocious.

Speaker 3 (01:10:25):
I didn't put mine on you.

Speaker 1 (01:10:26):
Yeah, but I have them. I said, Yeah, you're gonna
put them on twenty twenty six.

Speaker 3 (01:10:29):
Yeah, maybe I'll do it.

Speaker 1 (01:10:30):
Okay, Wait, we have to say thanks to Maxwell.

Speaker 3 (01:10:33):
Maxwell, who yes, and who is so and he's like
so patient with me too, because sometimes I forget some
of the emails that I wake up in the middle
of the night. It's him.

Speaker 1 (01:10:42):
It's him. Oh, by the way, be like, okay, to
confirm I know Maxwell a saint. I was saying to
Lucas the other day, I was like, you and Maxwell
saved my life. Maxwell. I sent him an email sometime
this summer being like, I'm sorry, there's like five emails
about one thing, like separate threads, and I still have
not adopted the Gmail app on my phone, so I'm

(01:11:03):
using the good old native iPhone email app and the
search function is botched. Cook, bro get it together. I
should switch to Droid, but I.

Speaker 3 (01:11:15):
Won't unless they pay me. Unless they pay me, and
then I will fuck up everybody's little green bubble.

Speaker 1 (01:11:22):
I will be a green bubbing all your asses. Okay,
so I can't afford a second property, but you know
what I mean. But Maxwell, I have been like, I'm sorry,
it's just really hard to keep tracking the emails because
it's separate threads and the search function doesn't work and
I can't find and he's like, I got you, which
he should really be like, bitch, fuck.

Speaker 3 (01:11:41):
All I know exactly, I know. And I even said
to him, I was like, I'm sorry, I know I
should be using a personal assistant for this. I mean,
I'm not like making him get my dry cleaning.

Speaker 1 (01:11:50):
He lives in a way, but I mean if he
did live here, I would.

Speaker 3 (01:11:54):
I would. I'm like I could afford dry cleaning anyway.
That sounded pitiful. He yeah, he's so nice. And did
you know he took classes at UCB.

Speaker 1 (01:12:05):
I didn't know that.

Speaker 3 (01:12:06):
You know how I found that out? He didn't never
tell me because his girlfriend, he was so sweet, named Audrey.
She works at I guess this is okay to say.
She works at Charley's Theiron's production company. And I had
a general there and she was like, Maxim's my boyfriend.
And he was like, I told her what to tell you, right,

(01:12:27):
and she was like, yeah, we take classes at UCB.

Speaker 1 (01:12:29):
That's amazing. I mainly the girlfriend snitching.

Speaker 3 (01:12:33):
I know, and they're both like. I could tell she
was just as organized and put together.

Speaker 1 (01:12:37):
Oh, that's gonna be such an organized child? Should they wed?

Speaker 3 (01:12:40):
And should they wed?

Speaker 1 (01:12:41):
And bear child?

Speaker 4 (01:12:43):
Bear fruit and bear fruit, bear organized fruit.

Speaker 1 (01:12:47):
Jeff, I've taken up so much of your time, it's
time for a segment called that's nice? But what about me?
But I fear I spoke too much about myself already.

Speaker 3 (01:12:57):
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 (01:12:59):
But I guess my question for you, how does one
go about winning an Emmy? What's the formula?

Speaker 3 (01:13:07):
I have given so much head.

Speaker 1 (01:13:09):
No, I'm supposed to be sucking dick. I knew it,
and I'm sending emails it's all in writing me being like, can.

Speaker 3 (01:13:16):
Someone tell me just this, it's not just one simultaneous
O king.

Speaker 1 (01:13:31):
Mastrat your craft, that's not it. You don't that question
to admit that.

Speaker 3 (01:13:36):
It was like so lucky. I mean, it was just
like a weird coincidence. I happened to be promoting my
book right when the Emmy nominations were coming out. I
think that's what helped. I mean, when it happened, Lucas cried,
that's our manager crying.

Speaker 1 (01:13:50):
By the way, we love our manager.

Speaker 3 (01:13:53):
Is the best. And she cried because he was so shocked.

Speaker 1 (01:13:57):
Are you sure it wasn't just because he was so
happy for No.

Speaker 3 (01:14:00):
He was. He was so happy, but I'm saying, like
it was not expected to even get the nomination. And
then he was all like, you know this just the
nomination is such a big deal. Don't worry about it
winning It's fine. And then when I want when I won,
he was like, that's just so much better.

Speaker 1 (01:14:18):
The truth. So I know that he's told me with
nominations like this is huge, this is a so I
now know he's just saying that.

Speaker 3 (01:14:27):
Well, no, he said, he goes, you're a practical person
and a humble person. But now is not the time
to be either of those.

Speaker 1 (01:14:33):
Oh, go off, I love that, A little fire in
the booty.

Speaker 4 (01:14:36):
Okay, it was exciting. It was like in the car
away from the aw.

Speaker 1 (01:14:42):
He's the best. And I am truly so so happy
for you. I was, I'm very very happy for you,
and so congratulations and that was the that's nice. But
what about me? And I mean about you? Yeah, because yeah,
you answered my question?

Speaker 3 (01:14:57):
Have you been nominated for Emmy?

Speaker 1 (01:14:59):
Are you try to make me cry? Are you trying
to make me feel like ship? You told me my
wink was trash.

Speaker 3 (01:15:08):
No, I haven't for Lisa from Temecula or Miss egg
or nothing.

Speaker 1 (01:15:12):
Nothing.

Speaker 3 (01:15:13):
Well that's not fair and that's not right. And that's
that's the thing what I'm saying about it. It's about
luck too. It's like about this weird, bizarre like whatever
hurricane storm happened.

Speaker 1 (01:15:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:15:24):
Also, I'm not worried about you.

Speaker 1 (01:15:25):
You're you're so sweet.

Speaker 3 (01:15:26):
Look at this, You're you made this blood red room
a podcast, Red stressful Room.

Speaker 1 (01:15:33):
It's thumping, throbbing, the heartbeat of New York City. That's
what we're in, jeff.

Speaker 3 (01:15:42):
I heart Oh is that what it is I Heart.

Speaker 1 (01:15:45):
I Heart radio is read?

Speaker 3 (01:15:49):
Is this a heart? Are we in? But it's not.

Speaker 1 (01:15:51):
Everyone's nodding yes, So I'm gonna say, yes.

Speaker 3 (01:15:53):
It's not a cartoon. Yes, it's like Dana Jones.

Speaker 1 (01:16:02):
What if you also to the viewers of this podcast
found out that there's actually no one else in the
room when I go what if they once they discover
there's no one here but me and you? My guests
are always very gracious about it.

Speaker 3 (01:16:21):
I would love that. I think that would be amazing.

Speaker 1 (01:16:24):
I need to sleep.

Speaker 4 (01:16:25):
I'm going, well, I'm telling you, cup pussy.

Speaker 3 (01:16:31):
That's what it would be. Just dirty words.

Speaker 1 (01:16:33):
Yeah, like cup pussy, dirty word that starts well, why
you chi? But it's kucci. But it's you can make.
But if you made if you made words up, you'd
really be awake. Okay, we have to help a listener.
This has been I took up so much of your time,
but I am so grateful because you have been pure delight. Well,

(01:16:54):
I've just been self deprecating. Leave reviews of me in
the comments. You know you do, They probably don't. You can't.
You can't read the reviews, and I do, not of me,
of restaurants, but people have things to say always people do.
Oh we have Okay, the guest, the guest, the listener
who needs advice is texted. Okay, you can text, guys.

Speaker 3 (01:17:16):
You can. So is that like an iHeart phone?

Speaker 1 (01:17:20):
This is an in many ways, it's many ways.

Speaker 3 (01:17:23):
No, that's your phone, your phone, that's.

Speaker 1 (01:17:27):
Just my phone. Oh, this is just my phone. I
thought about lying, I thought about saying yes, But why
why why not just answer the question truth? In many ways? No?
And then all the other podcasters go, they gave ago
a phone. Oh my goodness, I'm unwell. Okay, so somebody's

(01:17:55):
gonna ask us for advice. I've declared I'm unwell. But
that's okay, because we're gonna give advice. Okay, it's been
texted to me. Okay, Hi, miss Eggie and guest. I
need some bad advice. Well, I can certainly help with that.
I'm single, and I don't have a lot of free
time because I work a lot. Should I just hook
up with a coworker to bide the time? Jeff? What

(01:18:20):
do you say?

Speaker 3 (01:18:20):
We'll say you no, I mean I think you can
hook up to bide some time. But you can do that.

Speaker 1 (01:18:25):
What does bide mean? It's short for Biden.

Speaker 3 (01:18:34):
That means fucking on a Namtrak.

Speaker 1 (01:18:38):
Nuff said that I understand.

Speaker 3 (01:18:44):
I think I think you can have I think you
can have some sex with somebody that isn't going to
be the long term the long term partner, but don't
do it with your coworker, because that's always gonna get messy.

Speaker 1 (01:18:54):
I agree. I was about to say I tend to agree.
When people say I tend to agree, don't just say
you agree, right, But I agree, And I'm kind of
like I don't. I was just talking to people this
morning about making irresponsible choices and that's so not my bag.
So I was never going to be the girly to
tell you to fuck your coworker. It's like having sex
with a neighbor. You're gonna have to see them, right.

(01:19:17):
Are you going to get a new job if things
go awry and it gets awkward and you find like
there's no need. There's so many other people in the world.

Speaker 3 (01:19:24):
A next door neighbor or like a on your apartment
floor neighbor. But I think I think next neighborhood is okay.

Speaker 1 (01:19:31):
Neighborhood okay. I could be open to it. I could
be open to it.

Speaker 4 (01:19:37):
Well, I guess it depends on I tend to agree.

Speaker 1 (01:19:41):
Okay, but.

Speaker 3 (01:19:44):
Someone who you're going to see all the time is bad.
But sometimes you can be in a very dense neighborhood
and then it's just nice to have a an FWB.

Speaker 1 (01:19:52):
Friend with benefit, friend with boner, so you can get
too quickly friend with big.

Speaker 3 (01:20:01):
You can go get your bang on and then get
home by nine thirty and get in bad.

Speaker 1 (01:20:04):
I love you wake up at three at three and
do the little game by yourself like I do, like
Jeff does. And then when an emmy like Jeff fucking Jeff,
you have all the solutions and the answers. I think
this is right. I'm I'm looking at it again to
make sure we didn't leave them hanging in any way.
This wasn't me just casually checking out of the podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:20:28):
Oh I really need to return this text.

Speaker 1 (01:20:32):
I can't simply can't have that. We're at one forty
one right now. But that's okay, that's okay.

Speaker 3 (01:20:39):
That is so funny that you exaggerated only by ten.

Speaker 1 (01:20:41):
I know, but I remember one. I remember being one fifty.
But I feel kind of good right now because it
means I answered nine good At some point in my sleep.

Speaker 3 (01:20:51):
Probably you just wrote them cup PUSSYI.

Speaker 1 (01:20:59):
Uh, egalitarian, that's a good one. That is okay. But
I think they wanted bad advice. But I guess if
they want bad advice, it's do it.

Speaker 3 (01:21:08):
Do it.

Speaker 1 (01:21:09):
So yeah, so we've given good and bad. You take
your pick well.

Speaker 3 (01:21:13):
And a lot of times, like if if you hear
advice from somebody and you just are like no, it
doesn't mean that that's bad advice. It means you've already
made your choice.

Speaker 1 (01:21:22):
Yeah. Some people are asking for advice and they know
what they want to do.

Speaker 3 (01:21:24):
Really, what they want is permission.

Speaker 1 (01:21:26):
They want permission, and you don't need it from me, honey,
because I don't know what I'm doing. This is my
first time being human. I'm figuring it out for myself.

Speaker 3 (01:21:32):
Every single thing you just said.

Speaker 1 (01:21:34):
Amen, and that is a sermon. And Jeff, you have
been a pure joy to speak to. Thank you so
much for your time. You really really appreciate you, and everyone,
take care of yourselves. Get your sleep, drink your water.

Speaker 3 (01:21:51):
Yeah, go get an eye exam.

Speaker 1 (01:21:53):
What do you try to tell me my week is bad?

Speaker 3 (01:21:55):
I know, honestly, I think it's.

Speaker 1 (01:22:04):
I'm gonna talk to a lawyer about it. Okay, all right,
great chef, that was my beautiful conversation with Jeff Hiller.
If you listened all the way through, God bless you,
because how disjointed was I. Again, you don't need to
tell me because I know so tired because not enough

(01:22:27):
time off. And that's why we all are taking July off. Remember,
we're all taking July off. We're making a pact. I'm
putting my hand in. I'm pretending you're all putting your
hands in, and it's July off for us. Okay, love Jeff.
That was fantastic, so fun. What a joy. Really, I
really enjoyed him. I really enjoyed him. What a way

(01:22:49):
to speak about someone. Enjoy you anyway, Guys, we can
also give you bad good mid advice as well. You
just have to call and leave me a voice message.
It might be texted. It might then be transcribed and
texted to me, and that's fine too. But if you
want advice from me and my guests, all you have
to do is call five zero two eight four nine
three two three seven. That's five zero two eight four

(01:23:12):
nine three two three seven five zero two. Thanks. That's yeah,
that's right. Thanks Dad, is a production of Will Ferrell's
Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. I'm Your Host Aego
wodem Our producer is Kevin Bartelt and our executive producer
is Matt Appadaka

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