February 13, 2026 • 10 mins
Human attachment is thousands of years old . . but Valentine’s Day started off as a blood soaked Roman pagan fertility festival. The romance element is a pretty recent development. As usual, the Victorians reinvented it, taking it from a bloody sacrifice to roses and Valentine cards.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ah, there's nothing like romance. It's all about love, sex
and attachment. But like romance itself, Valentine's Day has been
a work in progress. It wasn't always candy, roses and
a night out twenty five hundred years ago. It was
all about fertility and who wouldn't be turned on and
ready to go after getting slapped with a bloody animal skin?
(00:22):
Put a big red bow on that for me. I'm
Patty Steele. How romance has evolved. That's next on the backstory.
We're back with the backstory. As I keep insisting, we
all want the same things in life, shelter, food, and love.
That's true, no matter the place and time in which
(00:44):
we find ourselves. It's just that how that plays out
means different things to different people, and it played out
really differently depending on when you lived. I know a
lot of us these days brush romance aside, but secretly
we kind of dream of the perfect connection. Now here's
the thing. Attachment is ancient. In fact, apes were first
(01:06):
in line. They evolved the ability to become emotionally attached
to one another. As humans appeared, we maintained those attachments,
mostly because it helped us and the apes survive. We
all need our team. Right later, through thousands of years
and right up until the seventeen hundreds, marriage became a thing,
(01:27):
but for much of that time it was pure business.
Romance wasn't even a consideration when it came to marriage.
Lot of times people married people they didn't even know.
The earliest beginnings of Valentine's Day, though, happened in Roman
times in the sixth century BC, which was what, at
least in our eyes, was a pretty unromantic and very
(01:47):
bloody pagan fertility festival. Every year between February thirteenth and
fifteenth Romans celebrated Lupicaglia. It was a celebration of the
Roman god fawnas his priests dressed in goat skins for
the festivities. They would sacrifice animals and then slap women
with the bloody hides of those animals. They believed the
(02:10):
whole thing made women more fertile. Later in the festival,
women would be paired off with men by lottery. Now,
if that is in romance, what is huh? So The
whole marriage thing boiled down to necessities For thousands of years.
In most societies, men dealt with the money, getting the food,
and prime decision making. As for women, it was their
(02:32):
job to figure out how to make whatever money they
had work, Plus they took care of the home and
kids and the social obligations. Was marriage romantic Not so
much if you had money, it was about inheritance, land, politics, business,
and children. Truth be told, Wealthy folks often did find romance,
(02:52):
but more often than not it was on the side
and mostly just for men. Why well, women couldn't around
because they had to worry about pregnancy, and men wanted
to make sure that any inheritance they left behind went
to their own bloodline. That's actually why women have always
gotten a raw deal when it comes to enjoying sex,
(03:14):
and men have been considered studs if they do. Now,
if you didn't have money, marriage was all about getting
the best deal possible from your intended for you and
your family. You'd be looking for anything from a little
bit of money, land or at least access to it,
to somebody to have children with. You would then put
together whatever kind of home you could with traditional responsibilities.
(03:37):
Not very romantic, but very practical. Now here's the thing.
People entering into a marriage agreement didn't really expect anything else.
That was the Achilles Heel for Romeo and Juliet. They
were teenagers who treasured love beyond family obligation. Clearly not
a choice that ended well for them. There goes Shakespeare
by the way, once again sharing a teaching moment, and
(04:00):
there were other exceptions. In fourteen fifteen, the Duke of
Orleans wrote what's considered to be the very first Valentine.
It was a poem the twenty one year old duke
sent to his wife from prison. He was locked up
in the Tower of London after being captured in a
battle with British troops. He was heartbroken and wrote to
his much loved wife, I am already sick with love,
(04:24):
my very gentle Valentine. Unfortunately for both of them, he
was still in the lock up for another twenty five years,
and his very gentle Valentine of a wife died five
years before he was set free. Happily, by the seventeen hundreds,
romantic feelings started to be taken into account when it
came to marriage. On the other hand, there wasn't much
(04:46):
in the way of dating. They called it courting, and
the intention was very different. The goal of courtship was
always marriage, so naturally family who was still very much
involved in the decision just according gave both the man
and the woman the opportunity to see if they felt
anything for one another, that little flutter on your insides.
(05:08):
In fact, in some cases young couples were allowed to
go to bed together but not getting too excited. Here,
they were fully dressed, and they had a thing called
a bundling board between them. Yeah, it was actually a
great big board that kept them from touching but allowed
them to lie together in the dark and talk, which
is actually a really cool way of getting to know
(05:28):
each other. Nothing like a long chat in the dark.
In addition to bundling boards, they also had bundling sacks
that were basically sleeping bags for two, but sewn all
the way up the middle. Now, if the couple decided
there were feelings and the man made a commitment, he
had a really rough time getting out of it unless
(05:49):
the woman released him from his obligation. It was called
breach of promise. If he weren't officially released, and sometimes
the law got involved if a guy tried to reneg
on his marriage offer. In any event, feelings were becoming
more important, and that's when Valentine's Day became a thing.
Love letters and gifts were away to win somebody's heart.
(06:11):
The absolute peak of the romantic approach to Valentine's Day
began in the late seventeen hundreds, when people began to
construct elaborate puzzle Valentines with folded paper, which, when each
section was unfolded, revealed more about the sender's feelings and
how clever they were. In the eighteen hundreds, Wow, let
the games begin. In an effort to outdo competitors, guys
(06:34):
began to really lay on the schmals. Valentine's cards reached
their peak in the mid eighteen hundreds, since the mail
service had become reliable and there was really no other
way to reach out to a possible love interest. Wildly
artistic Valentines showed up, decorated with everything from peacock feathers
to lays to jewels, accompanied by every sort of mushy
(06:57):
but beautiful poetry or prose they could come up with.
Sometimes they'd quote their favorite romantic poet, frequently Elizabeth Barrett,
who had published her love poems to her future husband
Robert Browning. The first lines of her sonnets from the
Portuguese read how do I love THEE. Let me count
the ways I love THEE, to the depth and breadth
(07:17):
and height my soul can reach. Wow, that's a good
line to steal, right. What else did Victorians do to
win over a sweetheart in those days? Well, they started
the tradition of giving flowers, especially red roses, for Valentine's Day,
still very popular today. And they gave jewelry, which has
never gone out of fashion. On top of that, you
(07:39):
might also swoon over a box of chocolates. In a
smart business move, Richard Cadbury of Cadbury Chocolate created the
first heart shaped box of chocolates in eighteen sixty one,
trying to drive up sales for the family business, and
boy did it work. Now thirty six million heart shaped
boxes of chocolate are sold every year. By the way,
(08:01):
it wasn't all flowers and chocolates. There was a pretty
snarky angle too. During the Victorian era. If you didn't
appreciate the attention of some admirer, you would send vinegar valentines,
also called penny dreadfuls. They were meant to put a
stop to unwanted attention, but they were really sort of
like nasty social media comments. These days, because you could
(08:22):
say something horrifying to somebody without getting in their face
to do it. Anyway, By the time Hollywood got involved
in romance, they sold us on the idea of romantic
forever love and don't you love the happy ending, happily
ever after storyline. The question is is it realistic? These days,
(08:43):
we still celebrate Valentine's Day, but we've begun to lay
off the drippy part of it. In case you didn't
realize it. Today teachers get more Valentines than any other group,
followed by kids, moms, then wives, and of course our
fur babies. Some of us even celebrate Gallantine's Day. You
celebrate with your best female friends, even if there's no romance.
(09:06):
In fact, backing us on that thought is the Greek
philosopher Plato, who said the highest form of love was
actually our non sexual, non romantic attachment to another person.
That's so called brotherly love, which we called platonic love
named after Plato. Of course, he believed that passion, romance,
and sex make us do really stupid stuff, and that
(09:30):
love between family members and close friends is the perfect attachment.
Amen Plato. Now here's the thing, As I said at
the start, We're all looking to feel something that little
flutter and warmth when you see somebody you're attracted to
and when they lock eyes with you. Romance does that
for us, but so do puppies and kittens. Happy Valentine's Day,
(09:53):
however you want to celebrate and with whom hope you'll
love The Backstory with Patty Steele. Please lea a review.
I would love it if you would subscribe or follow
for free to get new episodes delivered automatically. And if
you have a story you'd like me to take a
deeper dive into and share, feel free to dm me
on Facebook at Patty Steele or on Instagram at Real
(10:15):
Patty Steele. I'm Patty Steele. The Backstories a production of iHeartMedia,
Premiere Networks, the Elvis Durand Group and Steel Trap Productions.
Our producer is Doug Fraser. Our writer Jake Kushner. We
have new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Feel free to
(10:36):
reach out to me with comments and even story suggestions
on Instagram at Real Patty Steele and on Facebook at
Patty Steele. Thanks for listening to the Backstory with Patty Steele.
The pieces of history you didn't know you needed to
know
Ah, there's nothing like romance. It's all about love, sex
and attachment. But like romance itself, Valentine's Day has been
a work in progress. It wasn't always candy, roses and
a night out twenty five hundred years ago. It was
all about fertility and who wouldn't be turned on and
ready to go after getting slapped with a bloody animal skin?
(00:22):
Put a big red bow on that for me. I'm
Patty Steele. How romance has evolved. That's next on the backstory.
We're back with the backstory. As I keep insisting, we
all want the same things in life, shelter, food, and love.
That's true, no matter the place and time in which
(00:44):
we find ourselves. It's just that how that plays out
means different things to different people, and it played out
really differently depending on when you lived. I know a
lot of us these days brush romance aside, but secretly
we kind of dream of the perfect connection. Now here's
the thing. Attachment is ancient. In fact, apes were first
(01:06):
in line. They evolved the ability to become emotionally attached
to one another. As humans appeared, we maintained those attachments,
mostly because it helped us and the apes survive. We
all need our team. Right later, through thousands of years
and right up until the seventeen hundreds, marriage became a thing,
(01:27):
but for much of that time it was pure business.
Romance wasn't even a consideration when it came to marriage.
Lot of times people married people they didn't even know.
The earliest beginnings of Valentine's Day, though, happened in Roman
times in the sixth century BC, which was what, at
least in our eyes, was a pretty unromantic and very
(01:47):
bloody pagan fertility festival. Every year between February thirteenth and
fifteenth Romans celebrated Lupicaglia. It was a celebration of the
Roman god fawnas his priests dressed in goat skins for
the festivities. They would sacrifice animals and then slap women
with the bloody hides of those animals. They believed the
(02:10):
whole thing made women more fertile. Later in the festival,
women would be paired off with men by lottery. Now,
if that is in romance, what is huh? So The
whole marriage thing boiled down to necessities For thousands of years.
In most societies, men dealt with the money, getting the food,
and prime decision making. As for women, it was their
(02:32):
job to figure out how to make whatever money they
had work, Plus they took care of the home and
kids and the social obligations. Was marriage romantic Not so
much if you had money, it was about inheritance, land, politics, business,
and children. Truth be told, Wealthy folks often did find romance,
(02:52):
but more often than not it was on the side
and mostly just for men. Why well, women couldn't around
because they had to worry about pregnancy, and men wanted
to make sure that any inheritance they left behind went
to their own bloodline. That's actually why women have always
gotten a raw deal when it comes to enjoying sex,
(03:14):
and men have been considered studs if they do. Now,
if you didn't have money, marriage was all about getting
the best deal possible from your intended for you and
your family. You'd be looking for anything from a little
bit of money, land or at least access to it,
to somebody to have children with. You would then put
together whatever kind of home you could with traditional responsibilities.
(03:37):
Not very romantic, but very practical. Now here's the thing.
People entering into a marriage agreement didn't really expect anything else.
That was the Achilles Heel for Romeo and Juliet. They
were teenagers who treasured love beyond family obligation. Clearly not
a choice that ended well for them. There goes Shakespeare
by the way, once again sharing a teaching moment, and
(04:00):
there were other exceptions. In fourteen fifteen, the Duke of
Orleans wrote what's considered to be the very first Valentine.
It was a poem the twenty one year old duke
sent to his wife from prison. He was locked up
in the Tower of London after being captured in a
battle with British troops. He was heartbroken and wrote to
his much loved wife, I am already sick with love,
(04:24):
my very gentle Valentine. Unfortunately for both of them, he
was still in the lock up for another twenty five years,
and his very gentle Valentine of a wife died five
years before he was set free. Happily, by the seventeen hundreds,
romantic feelings started to be taken into account when it
came to marriage. On the other hand, there wasn't much
(04:46):
in the way of dating. They called it courting, and
the intention was very different. The goal of courtship was
always marriage, so naturally family who was still very much
involved in the decision just according gave both the man
and the woman the opportunity to see if they felt
anything for one another, that little flutter on your insides.
(05:08):
In fact, in some cases young couples were allowed to
go to bed together but not getting too excited. Here,
they were fully dressed, and they had a thing called
a bundling board between them. Yeah, it was actually a
great big board that kept them from touching but allowed
them to lie together in the dark and talk, which
is actually a really cool way of getting to know
(05:28):
each other. Nothing like a long chat in the dark.
In addition to bundling boards, they also had bundling sacks
that were basically sleeping bags for two, but sewn all
the way up the middle. Now, if the couple decided
there were feelings and the man made a commitment, he
had a really rough time getting out of it unless
(05:49):
the woman released him from his obligation. It was called
breach of promise. If he weren't officially released, and sometimes
the law got involved if a guy tried to reneg
on his marriage offer. In any event, feelings were becoming
more important, and that's when Valentine's Day became a thing.
Love letters and gifts were away to win somebody's heart.
(06:11):
The absolute peak of the romantic approach to Valentine's Day
began in the late seventeen hundreds, when people began to
construct elaborate puzzle Valentines with folded paper, which, when each
section was unfolded, revealed more about the sender's feelings and
how clever they were. In the eighteen hundreds, Wow, let
the games begin. In an effort to outdo competitors, guys
(06:34):
began to really lay on the schmals. Valentine's cards reached
their peak in the mid eighteen hundreds, since the mail
service had become reliable and there was really no other
way to reach out to a possible love interest. Wildly
artistic Valentines showed up, decorated with everything from peacock feathers
to lays to jewels, accompanied by every sort of mushy
(06:57):
but beautiful poetry or prose they could come up with.
Sometimes they'd quote their favorite romantic poet, frequently Elizabeth Barrett,
who had published her love poems to her future husband
Robert Browning. The first lines of her sonnets from the
Portuguese read how do I love THEE. Let me count
the ways I love THEE, to the depth and breadth
(07:17):
and height my soul can reach. Wow, that's a good
line to steal, right. What else did Victorians do to
win over a sweetheart in those days? Well, they started
the tradition of giving flowers, especially red roses, for Valentine's Day,
still very popular today. And they gave jewelry, which has
never gone out of fashion. On top of that, you
(07:39):
might also swoon over a box of chocolates. In a
smart business move, Richard Cadbury of Cadbury Chocolate created the
first heart shaped box of chocolates in eighteen sixty one,
trying to drive up sales for the family business, and
boy did it work. Now thirty six million heart shaped
boxes of chocolate are sold every year. By the way,
(08:01):
it wasn't all flowers and chocolates. There was a pretty
snarky angle too. During the Victorian era. If you didn't
appreciate the attention of some admirer, you would send vinegar valentines,
also called penny dreadfuls. They were meant to put a
stop to unwanted attention, but they were really sort of
like nasty social media comments. These days, because you could
(08:22):
say something horrifying to somebody without getting in their face
to do it. Anyway, By the time Hollywood got involved
in romance, they sold us on the idea of romantic
forever love and don't you love the happy ending, happily
ever after storyline. The question is is it realistic? These days,
(08:43):
we still celebrate Valentine's Day, but we've begun to lay
off the drippy part of it. In case you didn't
realize it. Today teachers get more Valentines than any other group,
followed by kids, moms, then wives, and of course our
fur babies. Some of us even celebrate Gallantine's Day. You
celebrate with your best female friends, even if there's no romance.
(09:06):
In fact, backing us on that thought is the Greek
philosopher Plato, who said the highest form of love was
actually our non sexual, non romantic attachment to another person.
That's so called brotherly love, which we called platonic love
named after Plato. Of course, he believed that passion, romance,
and sex make us do really stupid stuff, and that
(09:30):
love between family members and close friends is the perfect attachment.
Amen Plato. Now here's the thing, As I said at
the start, We're all looking to feel something that little
flutter and warmth when you see somebody you're attracted to
and when they lock eyes with you. Romance does that
for us, but so do puppies and kittens. Happy Valentine's Day,
(09:53):
however you want to celebrate and with whom hope you'll
love The Backstory with Patty Steele. Please lea a review.
I would love it if you would subscribe or follow
for free to get new episodes delivered automatically. And if
you have a story you'd like me to take a
deeper dive into and share, feel free to dm me
on Facebook at Patty Steele or on Instagram at Real
(10:15):
Patty Steele. I'm Patty Steele. The Backstories a production of iHeartMedia,
Premiere Networks, the Elvis Durand Group and Steel Trap Productions.
Our producer is Doug Fraser. Our writer Jake Kushner. We
have new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Feel free to
(10:36):
reach out to me with comments and even story suggestions
on Instagram at Real Patty Steele and on Facebook at
Patty Steele. Thanks for listening to the Backstory with Patty Steele.
The pieces of history you didn't know you needed to
know
Host
Patty Steele
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