March 9, 2025 • 34 mins
In this episode of 4 Things with Amy Brown:
Spring isn’t just for cleaning out your closet...it’s also the perfect time for a heart reset. Breakup coach Sarah Curnoles joins Amy to talk about the power of a Breakup Detox and how to turn heartbreak into healing. From surprising ways to let go of an ex to the biggest mistakes people make post-breakup, Sarah shares expert advice on moving forward with clarity and confidence. Plus, why “Breakup Season” is a real thing and how to emotionally prepare if you feel a split coming. If you’re struggling to let go, this episode is full of practical tools and mindset shifts to help you heal.
Click HERE for Sarah's journal prompts!
Visit Sarah's website by clicking HERE!
HOST: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Oh it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey, it's pretty beautiful. Thing beautiful. That's a little more exciting, said,
he can cut your kicking it with four Thing.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
With Amy Brown, Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy Here, And
my guest today is Sarah Canoles. And Sarah sent me
an email and I don't know what stood out to
me most Sarah. I think I just saw breakup detalks
and I thought, oh, this is brilliant. She's helping people
navigate breakups and you're a coach, which some people might think,
(00:54):
what that just seems really odd to need someone to
help guide them through a breakup, But I think it's brilliant.
When I was going through my divorce, I feel like
I could have used something like this. And then you
and I were talking before we were recording, and I thought, shoot,
I could have used you when my college boyfriend broke
(01:15):
up with me. And I think it's just learning how
to navigate something that is painful.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah, And what I really find is that a breakup
can be a portal to knowing yourself better and reconnecting
to who you really are. And the way that I
did my breakups, like every time I got dumped by
a boy in my teens and twenties and thirties. It
was always about what did I do wrong and why
(01:42):
did I cause the breakup? And that's kind of using
to beat myself up. And I went through a breakup
a couple of years ago and really used my coaching
tools to go through it, and I thought, that's the
healthiest I've ever done it. I actually came out more
confident and more clear on who I am and what
I want, and I thought more people need that.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I think that it's a time that you get to
ask yourself, what does this now make possible for me?
And it doesn't ignore the pain that you're in.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
No.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Donald Miller's a guest on the podcast that gave us
that question a few years back, and I've used it
so much and I think it acknowledges that you're in
pain right now and also what does this now make possible?
And you're helping people get there. So we're going to
go through some breakup detox questions in a minute. But
(02:30):
also before we started recording, we were talking about my
friend's daughter who has recently broken up with via text message,
and that was a painful way to get broken up
with and you said that. So many adults do that,
or they just ghost people and they are left wondering,
what did I do? What happened?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Well?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
An update to the text message story is when the
parents of the boy found out that he dumped her
that way there in high school, they went to their
son and they said, no, So that is not how
we break up with people. You are taking her to dinner.
You're gonna pay for the dinner, and you're gonna have
an open, honest conversation with her about why this isn't
(03:11):
working for you. That way, she's not left wondering, and
you are going to communicate in a healthy way. And
that's how it's done. You don't just dumper over text.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yeah, it's the modern day equivalent of Sex and the
City with Burger and the post it of like, I'm sorry,
I can't don't hate me, and like now we send
texts or we go see each other. And if we
just developed a little bit of the ability to be
uncomfortable with an uncomfortable like to sit in that discomfort
of the uncomfortable conversation to say I want something different
(03:42):
or this isn't working, it makes us better people. It
leaves the other person better. It's like the Girl's Scout
and Boy Scout motto of like leave it better than
you found it, right.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, Well, so let's just start right away with what
is a breakup detox and why is it important to
detox after or a split?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
When I think about detoxing, I think we're all familiar
with spring cleaning our house of like getting rid of
the old energy and like getting deep into the base
bores and all those areas, or like if you're doing
a diet, you're going to cut certain things out of
your diet so that your body feels physically better. But
we never think about our heart and all the gunk
(04:21):
that might have built up, either from past relationships like
we were saying of like our teenage years and first
heartbreaks and stuff that we still hold on to, or
even those patterns that we've got from just this most
recent relationship that maybe've gone through a heartache. We need
to clear all that away and create more space for
(04:43):
the possibility of what's coming.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Okay, so when you're talking about detox and you use
the example of eliminating certain foods that you know don't
make you feel your best, or getting rid of things
in your house for a little spring cleaning. I did
that once when I got into a new relationship. I
threw away a whole shoebox full of my last relationship
before that, and looking back, I sort of regret dumping
(05:08):
that in the trash and totally getting rid of it.
Not that I have any expectations for that relationship at
this point in my life, But isn't it fun to
just think that you could maybe go through your old
stuff or have your kids or your grandkids go through
your shoebox and like find fun memories. But I straight
up through everything in the trash. Is that what you mean?
Like we need a dtox, like get rid of it,
(05:30):
because I don't know that you know, I want anybody
to regret getting rid of something. But what's the detox part?
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah? Yeah, So I look at four key areas and
I'm totally with you. I think I've kept like a
few letters from each of my really significant relationships, or
like I had a college boyfriend write me a song
and I have the cassette tape. Like there's a couple
things I held onto not because I want the relationship back,
but like you said, someday it might be nice to
(05:58):
look back on that stuff and remember my own love journey.
So I'm not talking about like a total wipe of everything.
And I'm really not the kind of coach that gives
hard and fast rules. I'm never going to be the
person that advocates one hundred percent for no contact or
like delete all social media or anything, because our lives
are like we have gray areas in our life. And
(06:18):
I'm sure you co parent with your ex. You can't
go no contact if you're co parenting, But there are
energetic ways to detox. So the four areas I look
at is physical, mental, emotional, and social. And so in
your physical area, that might be removing their stuff, like
if you have your ex's shirt, return the shirt, Or
(06:41):
there might be certain items that just bring up a
lot of heartbreak, Like maybe remove those really charged items
and choose a couple to put away, or you could
put it in a box and maybe give it to
a friend of Like, can you hang on to that
for a while, just so I don't have to look
at it your physical space and separate that out so
(07:04):
that you're not in it all the time. You know,
if you have to cohabitate for a while can you
create a space that's purely yours, even if it's just
a corner or a closet that you clear out something
that is just you, just clean, just fresh, where you
set up something cozy for yourself that's yours, and that
(07:26):
way you have somewhere that you can get started on
the healing process and the work. So that's physical. Mental
is your thoughts. And the reason I tell people I'm
never gonna be hard and fast about no contact because
you could be no contact with somebody but still thinking
about them all the time. So we really have to
clean up your thinking patterns so that you can't stop
(07:49):
thinking about somebody. You can't control your thoughts. Just like
if I said, don't think about a pink elephant, you're
going to think about a pink elephant. But you can
choose where you're going to focus, and you can direct
where you focus. So just kindly and gently notice, oh,
I'm thinking about my ex again, and have sort of
(08:10):
a mental boundary for yourself of like I. When I
do that, I'm gonna kindly direct my attention of like,
And this is really how I talk to myself like, No, sweetheart,
we're not doing that right now, like we're going to
think of something else, We're gonna we're gonna focus on ourselves.
What do you need right now? And I always bring
it back to myself because that's pretty easy of like
what do I really really need right now? And like
(08:33):
I need a walk, I need a cry, I need
a hug, I need a cuddle with my pet. Anything
like that is totally fine as you're redirecting what you're
focusing on. And next we've got the emotional detox. So
just like if you were doing like a body cleanse,
there might be some stuff coming up and out. You
(08:53):
don't want to hold it in or hold it down.
You want to get it out. So right now you've
got a lot of emotions kind up and we want
to let those out. So great ways to do that.
You might do a journal dump of like write it
all down, get it out on paper so that it's
not in your head. Or you might dance it out
or shake it out or go for a walk. Or
(09:15):
I love a temper tantrum, like straight up, like put
yourself in your bag, kick and scream and get all
your emotions out and go crazy for a couple minutes.
You don't want to hold your emotions in you want
to let them out. And I feel like I've heard
on a podcast of yours you talk about like an
emotional appointment, like a crying appointment. I highly recommend that
(09:36):
because it gives you time and space to do it well.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
And one way that you can achieve that is if
you know there's always a movie that evokes certain emotions,
like you can know that, Okay, look on Friday night,
I'm going to carve out time to watch this movie
and have a release. And the movie may walk you
through lots of emotions. You may cry, you may laugh.
I think it's good to experience. It's a lot of things.
(10:00):
But that's one way to appointment cry. Because a lot
of us, we're leading these lives. You can't just have
a meltdown and break down wherever you want. We have jobs,
we have children, we have responsibilities. So if you just
give yourself that permission to appointment cry at some point,
then that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Absolutely. And I loved doing it in the shower, so
I had like an extra lung shower and a certain
song or I know a lot of my clients like
doing it in the car because then you're kind of private.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
In a movie that may be more of a time investment.
I love that you mentioned a song because there's always
a song that will take you there always.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
So that's emotional, let it out. And then finally there's
a social detox, because when we go through a breakup,
your whole social circle probably is changing. You probably had well.
Actually your ex is probably the closest relationship that you
had or one of, and maybe you had patterns of
that's the person I texted before bed or I shared
(10:59):
all my good news with my ex. And you're having
to redefine who is my person? So kind of like
Gray's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith for each other's person, and
it was a best friend relationship, it wasn't about the guy.
Maybe this is a time that you get to redefine
who's my person, who's in my inner circle? Who do
(11:20):
I want to be sharing my life with. And I
also like to encourage people to think of who is
your support system, because sometimes that's not your friends as well.
Meeting as our friends are, they have a hard time
being with us through our pain or relating to it,
and so having people that can really support and encourage
(11:40):
you to go through your full range of emotions without
having to fix you or change anything. Who will just
listen can be really helpful.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Now, what are some of the biggest mistakes that people
make when they're trying to move on from someone? Now?
What are some of the biggest mistakes that people make
when they're trying to move on from someone.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I think the biggest mistake I see the most is
that they focus too much on their ex. I work
with a lot of women who are really compassionate, people
who are very giving, and they are worried about their ex,
like I want to make sure he's okay and that
he is coping with this all right, or that he
(12:33):
has people he can turn too, like I was his
best friend. I don't know what he's going to do.
I love that that's the instinct. However, you have to
trust that he's going to figure it out, and you
have to turn your attention to yourself. That you are
your most important person right now.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
So people that are coming to you, are they the
ones that did the dumping or did they get dumped?
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah? Most of the time they get dumped. I work
with a lot of women. Tear Cole calls us high
functioning codependence, where it's like we want to make sure
everybody's okay. And I identify that way too as a recovering,
high functioning codependent. We're the ones that are like, I
got this all covered, and i got this all taken
care of, and I'm gonna make sure you're okay too,
(13:16):
and even through their own pain, rather than look at
themselves and be with their own pain, they're looking to
their ex of like, well, I'm gonna make sure he's okay.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yeah, I feel like that's pretty common, but especially if
you have any codependent tendencies.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah, even if you're.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
The one that did the dumping, I can see you.
Why do we call it dumping, by the way, that
just came into my mind of like why it's like
we're just like maybe they just dump throw away the trash,
take to the take it to the dump. I might
need to look into the roots of that, because I'm curious.
But if you're the one that did the breaking up
(13:51):
or you know it needs to happen, you may stay
in a relationship longer because you're worried about the other person,
And then that's definitely a code of behavior, absolutely because
you're not doing what's best for you. Because you're trying
to control what's happening in that other person's life. So
what's the first thing that someone should do after a
(14:12):
breakup if they're wanting to set themselves up for healing.
Obviously the detox, but is there one specific thing that
should be done first.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
This is so hard, but I tell people, let yourself
fall apart. Don't resist that urge that you're falling apart
and that everything is going to pieces. Let that happen.
If you think about a caterpillar that's about to turn
into a butterfly. The science behind this is still amazing
to me. But once that caterpillar is in the cocoon,
(14:39):
it dissolves into total goo and it has to do
that so it can reform into a butterfly. So right
after a breakup, where most people are in shock, they're
feeling all the feelings, and I say, just let that happen.
Don't resist it, don't try to hang on. Let yourself
fall apart.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh. I love that analogy. You're being able to picture
that and see the goo. At least in my mind,
I'm like, yes, let yourself go to mush and then
you get to emerge a beautiful butterfly. Yeah, what are
some surprising ways that people let go of an X
that actually work? I don't know. I'm picturing like burning something.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
I love a burn. I teach a whole writing a
letter writing process. That is, I tell them to think
about what were the things that they loved about their ex,
and what were the things they didn't like about their ex?
And then also what were the things you liked about
yourself when you were with them and the things you
didn't like about yourself and the relationship Because there's probably
(15:43):
something in each of those categories and we don't always
fill them out. Most people are told write all the
things you didn't like about that person, and that's not
totally fair because we're all complex and we're a part
of that story too, So we have to look at
what was my part in the dynamic. And when we
do it that way and you look at all four pieces,
(16:03):
you start to pull apart. What are the things that
I want to create again on purpose in my next relationship?
I think people get really hung up and I did this.
I did this a lot of I'm never going to
find anybody as great as my ex ever again, and
that's not true. You will find other great people in
the world. There are lots of great people. We just
(16:26):
have to know intentionally what we're looking for and how
we get to show up and we're in relationship with
those people.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay. I love that the focusing on all aspects of
the relationship, not just the negative. You're bringing in the
positive parts too. And while you were talking, I looked
up dumping and where it came from, because you know,
I got curious. And it's a sudden and often callous
way of ending a relationship, like discarding something unwanted, essentially
(16:56):
throwing away the other person without much explace, a nation,
or consideration. So really dumping should only be used if
it's in that way, like, but if someone is breaking
up with someone and they've done it in a thoughtful,
kind way, it should not be called dumping. I think.
So that's what I just learned. But earlier I was
saying if you dumped or he dumped, But it really
(17:19):
isn't dumping unless you've been discarded with no thought and
no explanation. So when you are in a breakup season, like,
we all have different seasons of life, So I imagine when
when you have been broken up with or dumped, whatever
has happened to you. Then you're in this season, and
(17:41):
it's like you have a choice of how you want
to navigate and live in this season. And I love
that you're here to offer a healthier way to go
about it. So what do you consider that season as
there are particular time that it tends to last? Is
it different for everybody? Should we try to be out
(18:01):
of the season by you know, a certain number of
weeks or months, or is it just case by case.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
I do like to think of it seasonally because sometimes
when we're in the throes of it, it feels a
lot like winter it's never going to end. It's going
to be dark forever and the light is never coming,
and it's always going to be cold. But it doesn't,
and spring comes and things get to bloom. But actually,
did you know there's actually in the calendar, like there's
a time of year that is breakup season.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Well, now that you're saying that, I'm guessing, is it
winter time?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It's March?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Oh wait, okay, that's this month. Yeah, okay, so people
need to be aware. Why is it March?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Because it's after Valentine's Day, it's the biggest stretch between holidays.
I also think people want to be single for summer.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Okay, my mind is blown. I did not know that
March was like the biggest breakup time of the year.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yeah, statistically, right before holidays and then March.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Okay, so there's two times of the year that it happens.
So is it March and then closer to Thanksgiving or something?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yeah? Yeah, because if you get to Thanksgiving, you got
to go through Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
That is so crazy that that many people just make
their way through Valentine's Day. You would think that people
would maybe break up right before Valentine's Day because they
don't want to deal with having to get them a
gift if they're only going to break up with them
a few weeks later.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
I know, I hear it. A lot of people give
me really weird stories of well, I gotta get this far.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want
to be that cruel. I'm like, oh, I mean heartbreaks, heartbreak,
It's gonna hurt no matter what. Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Well, being that we are in March and we've just
learned this is a big breakup time, breakup season, what
advice do you have for people that might be blindsided
by a breakup at some point this month.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I always encourage people to start with passion, to be
like radically compassionate with yourself, almost to the point where
maybe you feel I don't know if your audience can
relate to this. Of the we're the people that are
the hardest on ourselves normally, and we are normally the
first ones to criticize ourselves and really be harsh and judging.
(20:17):
And so when I say be radically compassionate, it is
almost like treating yourself like you would treat your child
or your favorite pet, and be that kind to yourself,
because we rarely do that, and what that might look like.
I like the phrase of course, So if you're feeling
(20:37):
really sad, maybe you meet that sadness with telling yourself,
of course I'm sad. Of course I'm feeling this way
because I really cared about that relationship. And when we
use that phrase of course and we like guidide ourselves
through that, there's something really comforting about it, and there's
less judgment, and then it sort of clears a little
(20:59):
bit of space that you kind of soothe yourself when
you're crying. Is this making sense?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Yeah, no, I'm thinking that it's very similar to the
what does this now make possible? This is another one
I want to keep in my back pocket of you know,
that's a statement for certain things, and now I think
that I'll use, of course for myself in certain conversations
that I'm having with myself or with a friend, even
(21:25):
encouraging them. Oh yeah, of course you're feeling this way
and helping them accept and know that this makes sense.
This mattered to you.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Oh yeah, and that phrase works in all kinds of situations.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
That's what I'm thinking, like, yeah, even beyond a breakup.
I've even thinking, gosh, with my kids, that's such a
good one for them to have as well. Of course
you're feeling this way about being left out, you know,
and not being invited over to this one friend's house.
That makes sense and it validates their feelings.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I literally just did it as I was talking, because
as I was moving, I noticed, like, I'm sweating through
this shirt, and I'm like, of course you are. You
sweat when you're excited and when you're nervous, and of
course I'm like, both of those things are true. I'm
really excited to be here. I love speaking, and of
course I'm nervous. I love sharing what I do, but
it's such an honor to be able to share this
(22:20):
with your audience.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Well, and I think too, I was looking at it
as like, of course in certain negative situations or things
where you might be let down, but I think the
horse could work too when there's something really exciting, like
you were saying, of course your body is acting in
this way because of this, and then it helps you
then have control of like, oh, of course you're feeling
(22:45):
a little nervous right now before you're about to go
do this, it's because it's important to you. Yeah, And
then it's like, oh yeah, and it can acknowledge that
those emotions are there, and then you can turn that
nervous energy into something positive.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Yeah. I'm trying to like shortcut so that I don't
let the shame come in of Oh, how embarrassing. I'm
sweating through my shirt. I'm human, I get like I know,
but of course, like I also carry shame, and so
instead of going down the shame road, I go down
the of course road and it feels better. Well. I
love that.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I think that is good advice because I would bet
if March is a popular time to break up. Somebody
is going to be listening to this in March that
needs this. Are there ways to prepare yourself emotionally if
(23:40):
you sense like a breakup is coming, Like maybe someone's
literally listening to this right now and they're like, I
am just picking up on vibes that a breakup is
on the horizon.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
There are two things there. One it kind of ties
back to the uncomfortable conversation we were having about the
young man taking the girl out to dinner and having
the conversation face to face instead of a text message.
If you're sensing it and this is the person you love,
maybe have the uncomfortable conversation and call it out of
(24:12):
I'm feeling less connected to you or I'm feeling something
has shifted. Can we talk about what's happening and be
brave and have the conversation. But the other piece of that,
the part that you really can control, is how you're
going to respond. And I think the most important thing
to do to prepare is to practice having your own back,
(24:36):
practice knowing I'm going to be okay no matter what happens.
And this is something I really had to build a
lot of reps. I had to do a lot of
practice of this. For me, this was a really weak muscle,
and I think about what are the ways I can
let myself know I'm going to be okay no matter what,
if I fail, if the relationship ends, if he never
(24:59):
wants to see me again, I'm going to be okay.
And it's not dependent on him. It's not dependent on
the relationship. So how can I strengthen that for myself?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I love that reminder of knowing that you are truly
going to be okay, and it may not feel that
way when it first happens. But that's the great thing
about this is in preparation, you can get ahead of it.
If you're sensing that something might be coming, and if
you're blindsided by it, you're going to feel that way
as well. But I would just like to I could
(25:30):
be a story of hope, as there is light on
the other side. And to go back to the cocoon
butterfly example and the turning to mush is if you
truly believe that that person is for you, and there's
nothing else for you out there and you're never going
to find anybody, then that's where you're going to stay.
(25:52):
Stuck like you'll forever be stuck in your little cocoon,
and that's going to be very isolating and lonely and sad,
and I don't want that for you. It's like the
Henry Ford quote. Whether you think you can or you
think you can't, you're right.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
So if you think there is nobody else out there
for you, then yeah, stay in your little cocoon. That's
exactly what's going to.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Happen for you.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
But if you believe that you can emerge from this
stronger and healthier and more beautiful than ever before, then
you're right, you can, but it's going to take the work.
Otherwise you're just going to be stuck in that little cocoon.
I love that image in my mind right now.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
I will say that's why a coach is amazing, because
sometimes we only have a glimmer of that for ourselves.
But if you're working with the right person, they get
to hold the whole picture of I see the butterfly
of what's possible on the other side, and I'm going
to hold the whole picture and I'm going to help
you through the process. I love that.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
What is one mindset shift? I love a good mindset shift.
Is there one a particular that makes a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah. I like to think about this like you're making
a cake and the very first cake you made probably
wasn't very good. You probably got the balance wrong, and
you've maybe like got the ingredients all or you didn't
quite get the science of it right. And then maybe
you had a cake that you made that was amazing,
(27:23):
and you've tried it again over and over and over again.
These are all of our relationships, are all these attempts
at baking a cake, And each time you do it,
you learn a little bit more and you start finding
the more you do it, you start finding what is
the right balance that I really like. And sometimes we
need the balance of that bitterness with the sweet. We need,
(27:45):
you know, that hit of that bitter coffee with the
chocolate to make the chocolate taste richer. So I like
to think about this stuff that you're going through is
that bitterness and it's going to make the sweet so
much better and it's going to add so much depth
to the life that you're baking right now.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Oh, I love that so much. You know. Earlier, right
when we first started talking, you mentioned your love journey
and keeping little bits and pieces from each relationship, not
because you want something with that person down the line
in any way that relationship is over, but it's part
of your love journey. And that's the cake. It's all
(28:27):
parts of your love journey being mixed together to make
something really yummy and beautiful and tasty. And I think
of how much I learned from my marriage ending. I
don't know that I learned much from relationships before that,
because I got married in my young to mid twenties,
(28:48):
and my serious relationship before that was in college, and
I don't know that I learned that much, Like I
wasn't in a place of learning and growth. I think
I just went through the heartache and didn't really walk
with much. But from my marriage, fast forward seventeen years
of that relationship and then in my forties, if I'm
(29:10):
getting into another relationship wanting it to be as healthy
as possible, I knew that I was going to have
to do the work on myself. And as I am
in a new relationship now, I like that I have
that vision now of me in the kitchen with all
my different ingredients baking my cake and all parts of
(29:30):
what I am bringing to the table now are important
in building my cake. And I learned so much.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yes, you learned so much. And I think as we
get older, we also start learning to embrace all the
parts of ourself. And I guess it doesn't translate so
much into baking. It's more like cooking, but you think
of like salty and sweet, balancing and new mommy and
depth of flavor. And as we embrace all those parts
of ourself, it makes you a full person.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah, And thankfully I put in the work to learn
from my failures in the relationship and then also my
partners parts of our relationship that were very unhealthy, and
it was very hard, Like I remember just wanting to
be so far away from all of it because I
was like, this is just all so hard, this hurts
(30:20):
so much. But now I think of who I am
and what I can bring to the table because of
that pain that I went through. And I also know
it was painful too, because it was a relationship that
meant a lot to me and I never thought I
would get divorced right when I got married. That just
was not an option at all. And so then, you know,
speaking of shame, you mentioned that earlier, I carried that
(30:41):
around with me of like, oh, now I'm divorced and
that was never supposed to be a part of my
story and I've got two kids, but now it's like, oh,
so much of that is a part of what makes
up my cake.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
So if you just had one piece of advice, I
know you've got a lot of wisdom that you pass
along to clients and if you're doing interviews like this,
but if there was just one piece of advice to
someone that is struggling right now to let go of somebody,
what's that one piece of advice that you would give them.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
My one piece of advice is that you are so
much more powerful than you know, and you are capable
of so much more than you know, and you have
wonderful gifts that you need to share with the world.
And the time that you are spending stuck, it's keeping
those gifts and your power from really radiating out and
(31:37):
from you shining your light. And we need your light
right now. And if it's hard to stop looking backwards,
start looking where your feet are right now and where
your heart is right now, and be there for yourself
right now. It might be hard to look at a future.
It might be hard to look forward, but take care
of you right now today, in this moment, start right here.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Dolly Pardon has a quote that's the way I see it.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up
with the rain. I love that, and it's just such
a good one. It's a good one because we're all
going to go through storms and rainbows are such a
beautiful thing that we get to enjoy. But it is
(32:22):
after the rain. It is after a storm, and if
you stay stuck inside, you may miss the rainbow.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
The butterfly comes after the goo.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
That's right. That's Sarah's quote. So Dolly's quote is the
rainbow after the rain, and I think I can get
on board with the butterfly comes after the goop. That's
such a good one.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Sarah.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Where can people find you? If they want to learn
more about what you offer and what you.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Do, they can come follow me on Instagram. I'm at
Sarah Cronol's so just my name all one word or
I wanted to offer a little freak to your listeners
because I know this conversation has been so deep. I
have a free guide of ten journal prompts that they
can do and they can download that at top ten
journal prompts dot com.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
I'll also link it in the show notes and Sarah
spells her last name see you are Innoles, so that'll
be linked there. We love a good journal prompt Sarah's
got ten of them, and journaling is one of the
ways that you can let go of an X. I'm
sure those prompts help people process that and surrender, let
(33:35):
it go.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
They'll take what we started here and it'll go a
lot deeper.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
And then apparently I love fire because then after your
journal I'm probably gonna be like, and then go ahead
and burn it, do it.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Release it, send that up to the ether.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah, there you go. Well, Sarah, thank you for this conversation.
Break up Detox. I think that this is something that
will definitely come in handy and unfortunately maybe for more
people this month then others, but at least people can
now be as prepared as possible and have hope that
they're going to be okay. Absolutely, thank you, Sarah, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Thank you so much for having me
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Oh it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey, it's pretty beautiful. Thing beautiful. That's a little more exciting, said,
he can cut your kicking it with four Thing.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
With Amy Brown, Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy Here, And
my guest today is Sarah Canoles. And Sarah sent me
an email and I don't know what stood out to
me most Sarah. I think I just saw breakup detalks
and I thought, oh, this is brilliant. She's helping people
navigate breakups and you're a coach, which some people might think,
(00:54):
what that just seems really odd to need someone to
help guide them through a breakup, But I think it's brilliant.
When I was going through my divorce, I feel like
I could have used something like this. And then you
and I were talking before we were recording, and I thought, shoot,
I could have used you when my college boyfriend broke
(01:15):
up with me. And I think it's just learning how
to navigate something that is painful.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yeah, And what I really find is that a breakup
can be a portal to knowing yourself better and reconnecting
to who you really are. And the way that I
did my breakups, like every time I got dumped by
a boy in my teens and twenties and thirties. It
was always about what did I do wrong and why
(01:42):
did I cause the breakup? And that's kind of using
to beat myself up. And I went through a breakup
a couple of years ago and really used my coaching
tools to go through it, and I thought, that's the
healthiest I've ever done it. I actually came out more
confident and more clear on who I am and what
I want, and I thought more people need that.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I think that it's a time that you get to
ask yourself, what does this now make possible for me?
And it doesn't ignore the pain that you're in.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
No.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Donald Miller's a guest on the podcast that gave us
that question a few years back, and I've used it
so much and I think it acknowledges that you're in
pain right now and also what does this now make possible?
And you're helping people get there. So we're going to
go through some breakup detox questions in a minute. But
(02:30):
also before we started recording, we were talking about my
friend's daughter who has recently broken up with via text message,
and that was a painful way to get broken up
with and you said that. So many adults do that,
or they just ghost people and they are left wondering,
what did I do? What happened?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Well?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
An update to the text message story is when the
parents of the boy found out that he dumped her
that way there in high school, they went to their
son and they said, no, So that is not how
we break up with people. You are taking her to dinner.
You're gonna pay for the dinner, and you're gonna have
an open, honest conversation with her about why this isn't
(03:11):
working for you. That way, she's not left wondering, and
you are going to communicate in a healthy way. And
that's how it's done. You don't just dumper over text.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yeah, it's the modern day equivalent of Sex and the
City with Burger and the post it of like, I'm sorry,
I can't don't hate me, and like now we send
texts or we go see each other. And if we
just developed a little bit of the ability to be
uncomfortable with an uncomfortable like to sit in that discomfort
of the uncomfortable conversation to say I want something different
(03:42):
or this isn't working, it makes us better people. It
leaves the other person better. It's like the Girl's Scout
and Boy Scout motto of like leave it better than
you found it, right.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, Well, so let's just start right away with what
is a breakup detox and why is it important to
detox after or a split?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
When I think about detoxing, I think we're all familiar
with spring cleaning our house of like getting rid of
the old energy and like getting deep into the base
bores and all those areas, or like if you're doing
a diet, you're going to cut certain things out of
your diet so that your body feels physically better. But
we never think about our heart and all the gunk
(04:21):
that might have built up, either from past relationships like
we were saying of like our teenage years and first
heartbreaks and stuff that we still hold on to, or
even those patterns that we've got from just this most
recent relationship that maybe've gone through a heartache. We need
to clear all that away and create more space for
(04:43):
the possibility of what's coming.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Okay, so when you're talking about detox and you use
the example of eliminating certain foods that you know don't
make you feel your best, or getting rid of things
in your house for a little spring cleaning. I did
that once when I got into a new relationship. I
threw away a whole shoebox full of my last relationship
before that, and looking back, I sort of regret dumping
(05:08):
that in the trash and totally getting rid of it.
Not that I have any expectations for that relationship at
this point in my life, But isn't it fun to
just think that you could maybe go through your old
stuff or have your kids or your grandkids go through
your shoebox and like find fun memories. But I straight
up through everything in the trash. Is that what you mean?
Like we need a dtox, like get rid of it,
(05:30):
because I don't know that you know, I want anybody
to regret getting rid of something. But what's the detox part?
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah? Yeah, So I look at four key areas and
I'm totally with you. I think I've kept like a
few letters from each of my really significant relationships, or
like I had a college boyfriend write me a song
and I have the cassette tape. Like there's a couple
things I held onto not because I want the relationship back,
but like you said, someday it might be nice to
(05:58):
look back on that stuff and remember my own love journey.
So I'm not talking about like a total wipe of everything.
And I'm really not the kind of coach that gives
hard and fast rules. I'm never going to be the
person that advocates one hundred percent for no contact or
like delete all social media or anything, because our lives
are like we have gray areas in our life. And
(06:18):
I'm sure you co parent with your ex. You can't
go no contact if you're co parenting, But there are
energetic ways to detox. So the four areas I look
at is physical, mental, emotional, and social. And so in
your physical area, that might be removing their stuff, like
if you have your ex's shirt, return the shirt, Or
(06:41):
there might be certain items that just bring up a
lot of heartbreak, Like maybe remove those really charged items
and choose a couple to put away, or you could
put it in a box and maybe give it to
a friend of Like, can you hang on to that
for a while, just so I don't have to look
at it your physical space and separate that out so
(07:04):
that you're not in it all the time. You know,
if you have to cohabitate for a while can you
create a space that's purely yours, even if it's just
a corner or a closet that you clear out something
that is just you, just clean, just fresh, where you
set up something cozy for yourself that's yours, and that
(07:26):
way you have somewhere that you can get started on
the healing process and the work. So that's physical. Mental
is your thoughts. And the reason I tell people I'm
never gonna be hard and fast about no contact because
you could be no contact with somebody but still thinking
about them all the time. So we really have to
clean up your thinking patterns so that you can't stop
(07:49):
thinking about somebody. You can't control your thoughts. Just like
if I said, don't think about a pink elephant, you're
going to think about a pink elephant. But you can
choose where you're going to focus, and you can direct
where you focus. So just kindly and gently notice, oh,
I'm thinking about my ex again, and have sort of
(08:10):
a mental boundary for yourself of like I. When I
do that, I'm gonna kindly direct my attention of like,
And this is really how I talk to myself like, No, sweetheart,
we're not doing that right now, like we're going to
think of something else, We're gonna we're gonna focus on ourselves.
What do you need right now? And I always bring
it back to myself because that's pretty easy of like
what do I really really need right now? And like
(08:33):
I need a walk, I need a cry, I need
a hug, I need a cuddle with my pet. Anything
like that is totally fine as you're redirecting what you're
focusing on. And next we've got the emotional detox. So
just like if you were doing like a body cleanse,
there might be some stuff coming up and out. You
(08:53):
don't want to hold it in or hold it down.
You want to get it out. So right now you've
got a lot of emotions kind up and we want
to let those out. So great ways to do that.
You might do a journal dump of like write it
all down, get it out on paper so that it's
not in your head. Or you might dance it out
or shake it out or go for a walk. Or
(09:15):
I love a temper tantrum, like straight up, like put
yourself in your bag, kick and scream and get all
your emotions out and go crazy for a couple minutes.
You don't want to hold your emotions in you want
to let them out. And I feel like I've heard
on a podcast of yours you talk about like an
emotional appointment, like a crying appointment. I highly recommend that
(09:36):
because it gives you time and space to do it well.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
And one way that you can achieve that is if
you know there's always a movie that evokes certain emotions,
like you can know that, Okay, look on Friday night,
I'm going to carve out time to watch this movie
and have a release. And the movie may walk you
through lots of emotions. You may cry, you may laugh.
I think it's good to experience. It's a lot of things.
(10:00):
But that's one way to appointment cry. Because a lot
of us, we're leading these lives. You can't just have
a meltdown and break down wherever you want. We have jobs,
we have children, we have responsibilities. So if you just
give yourself that permission to appointment cry at some point,
then that's helpful.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Absolutely. And I loved doing it in the shower, so
I had like an extra lung shower and a certain
song or I know a lot of my clients like
doing it in the car because then you're kind of private.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
In a movie that may be more of a time investment.
I love that you mentioned a song because there's always
a song that will take you there always.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
So that's emotional, let it out. And then finally there's
a social detox, because when we go through a breakup,
your whole social circle probably is changing. You probably had well.
Actually your ex is probably the closest relationship that you
had or one of, and maybe you had patterns of
that's the person I texted before bed or I shared
(10:59):
all my good news with my ex. And you're having
to redefine who is my person? So kind of like
Gray's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith for each other's person, and
it was a best friend relationship, it wasn't about the guy.
Maybe this is a time that you get to redefine
who's my person, who's in my inner circle? Who do
(11:20):
I want to be sharing my life with. And I
also like to encourage people to think of who is
your support system, because sometimes that's not your friends as well.
Meeting as our friends are, they have a hard time
being with us through our pain or relating to it,
and so having people that can really support and encourage
(11:40):
you to go through your full range of emotions without
having to fix you or change anything. Who will just
listen can be really helpful.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Now, what are some of the biggest mistakes that people
make when they're trying to move on from someone? Now?
What are some of the biggest mistakes that people make
when they're trying to move on from someone.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I think the biggest mistake I see the most is
that they focus too much on their ex. I work
with a lot of women who are really compassionate, people
who are very giving, and they are worried about their ex,
like I want to make sure he's okay and that
he is coping with this all right, or that he
(12:33):
has people he can turn too, like I was his
best friend. I don't know what he's going to do.
I love that that's the instinct. However, you have to
trust that he's going to figure it out, and you
have to turn your attention to yourself. That you are
your most important person right now.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
So people that are coming to you, are they the
ones that did the dumping or did they get dumped?
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah? Most of the time they get dumped. I work
with a lot of women. Tear Cole calls us high
functioning codependence, where it's like we want to make sure
everybody's okay. And I identify that way too as a recovering,
high functioning codependent. We're the ones that are like, I
got this all covered, and i got this all taken
care of, and I'm gonna make sure you're okay too,
(13:16):
and even through their own pain, rather than look at
themselves and be with their own pain, they're looking to
their ex of like, well, I'm gonna make sure he's okay.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Yeah, I feel like that's pretty common, but especially if
you have any codependent tendencies.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah, even if you're.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
The one that did the dumping, I can see you.
Why do we call it dumping, by the way, that
just came into my mind of like why it's like
we're just like maybe they just dump throw away the trash,
take to the take it to the dump. I might
need to look into the roots of that, because I'm curious.
But if you're the one that did the breaking up
(13:51):
or you know it needs to happen, you may stay
in a relationship longer because you're worried about the other person,
And then that's definitely a code of behavior, absolutely because
you're not doing what's best for you. Because you're trying
to control what's happening in that other person's life. So
what's the first thing that someone should do after a
(14:12):
breakup if they're wanting to set themselves up for healing.
Obviously the detox, but is there one specific thing that
should be done first.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
This is so hard, but I tell people, let yourself
fall apart. Don't resist that urge that you're falling apart
and that everything is going to pieces. Let that happen.
If you think about a caterpillar that's about to turn
into a butterfly. The science behind this is still amazing
to me. But once that caterpillar is in the cocoon,
(14:39):
it dissolves into total goo and it has to do
that so it can reform into a butterfly. So right
after a breakup, where most people are in shock, they're
feeling all the feelings, and I say, just let that happen.
Don't resist it, don't try to hang on. Let yourself
fall apart.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh. I love that analogy. You're being able to picture
that and see the goo. At least in my mind,
I'm like, yes, let yourself go to mush and then
you get to emerge a beautiful butterfly. Yeah, what are
some surprising ways that people let go of an X
that actually work? I don't know. I'm picturing like burning something.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
I love a burn. I teach a whole writing a
letter writing process. That is, I tell them to think
about what were the things that they loved about their ex,
and what were the things they didn't like about their ex?
And then also what were the things you liked about
yourself when you were with them and the things you
didn't like about yourself and the relationship Because there's probably
(15:43):
something in each of those categories and we don't always
fill them out. Most people are told write all the
things you didn't like about that person, and that's not
totally fair because we're all complex and we're a part
of that story too, So we have to look at
what was my part in the dynamic. And when we
do it that way and you look at all four pieces,
(16:03):
you start to pull apart. What are the things that
I want to create again on purpose in my next relationship?
I think people get really hung up and I did this.
I did this a lot of I'm never going to
find anybody as great as my ex ever again, and
that's not true. You will find other great people in
the world. There are lots of great people. We just
(16:26):
have to know intentionally what we're looking for and how
we get to show up and we're in relationship with
those people.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay. I love that the focusing on all aspects of
the relationship, not just the negative. You're bringing in the
positive parts too. And while you were talking, I looked
up dumping and where it came from, because you know,
I got curious. And it's a sudden and often callous
way of ending a relationship, like discarding something unwanted, essentially
(16:56):
throwing away the other person without much explace, a nation,
or consideration. So really dumping should only be used if
it's in that way, like, but if someone is breaking
up with someone and they've done it in a thoughtful,
kind way, it should not be called dumping. I think.
So that's what I just learned. But earlier I was
saying if you dumped or he dumped, But it really
(17:19):
isn't dumping unless you've been discarded with no thought and
no explanation. So when you are in a breakup season, like,
we all have different seasons of life, So I imagine when
when you have been broken up with or dumped, whatever
has happened to you. Then you're in this season, and
(17:41):
it's like you have a choice of how you want
to navigate and live in this season. And I love
that you're here to offer a healthier way to go
about it. So what do you consider that season as
there are particular time that it tends to last? Is
it different for everybody? Should we try to be out
(18:01):
of the season by you know, a certain number of
weeks or months, or is it just case by case.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
I do like to think of it seasonally because sometimes
when we're in the throes of it, it feels a
lot like winter it's never going to end. It's going
to be dark forever and the light is never coming,
and it's always going to be cold. But it doesn't,
and spring comes and things get to bloom. But actually,
did you know there's actually in the calendar, like there's
a time of year that is breakup season.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Well, now that you're saying that, I'm guessing, is it
winter time?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It's March?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Oh wait, okay, that's this month. Yeah, okay, so people
need to be aware. Why is it March?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Because it's after Valentine's Day, it's the biggest stretch between holidays.
I also think people want to be single for summer.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Okay, my mind is blown. I did not know that
March was like the biggest breakup time of the year.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yeah, statistically, right before holidays and then March.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Okay, so there's two times of the year that it happens.
So is it March and then closer to Thanksgiving or something?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yeah? Yeah, because if you get to Thanksgiving, you got
to go through Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
That is so crazy that that many people just make
their way through Valentine's Day. You would think that people
would maybe break up right before Valentine's Day because they
don't want to deal with having to get them a
gift if they're only going to break up with them
a few weeks later.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
I know, I hear it. A lot of people give
me really weird stories of well, I gotta get this far.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want
to be that cruel. I'm like, oh, I mean heartbreaks, heartbreak,
It's gonna hurt no matter what. Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Well, being that we are in March and we've just
learned this is a big breakup time, breakup season, what
advice do you have for people that might be blindsided
by a breakup at some point this month.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I always encourage people to start with passion, to be
like radically compassionate with yourself, almost to the point where
maybe you feel I don't know if your audience can
relate to this. Of the we're the people that are
the hardest on ourselves normally, and we are normally the
first ones to criticize ourselves and really be harsh and judging.
(20:17):
And so when I say be radically compassionate, it is
almost like treating yourself like you would treat your child
or your favorite pet, and be that kind to yourself,
because we rarely do that, and what that might look like.
I like the phrase of course, So if you're feeling
(20:37):
really sad, maybe you meet that sadness with telling yourself,
of course I'm sad. Of course I'm feeling this way
because I really cared about that relationship. And when we
use that phrase of course and we like guidide ourselves
through that, there's something really comforting about it, and there's
less judgment, and then it sort of clears a little
(20:59):
bit of space that you kind of soothe yourself when
you're crying. Is this making sense?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Yeah, no, I'm thinking that it's very similar to the
what does this now make possible? This is another one
I want to keep in my back pocket of you know,
that's a statement for certain things, and now I think
that I'll use, of course for myself in certain conversations
that I'm having with myself or with a friend, even
(21:25):
encouraging them. Oh yeah, of course you're feeling this way
and helping them accept and know that this makes sense.
This mattered to you.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Oh yeah, and that phrase works in all kinds of situations.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
That's what I'm thinking, like, yeah, even beyond a breakup.
I've even thinking, gosh, with my kids, that's such a
good one for them to have as well. Of course
you're feeling this way about being left out, you know,
and not being invited over to this one friend's house.
That makes sense and it validates their feelings.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I literally just did it as I was talking, because
as I was moving, I noticed, like, I'm sweating through
this shirt, and I'm like, of course you are. You
sweat when you're excited and when you're nervous, and of
course I'm like, both of those things are true. I'm
really excited to be here. I love speaking, and of
course I'm nervous. I love sharing what I do, but
it's such an honor to be able to share this
(22:20):
with your audience.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Well, and I think too, I was looking at it
as like, of course in certain negative situations or things
where you might be let down, but I think the
horse could work too when there's something really exciting, like
you were saying, of course your body is acting in
this way because of this, and then it helps you
then have control of like, oh, of course you're feeling
(22:45):
a little nervous right now before you're about to go
do this, it's because it's important to you. Yeah, And
then it's like, oh yeah, and it can acknowledge that
those emotions are there, and then you can turn that
nervous energy into something positive.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Yeah. I'm trying to like shortcut so that I don't
let the shame come in of Oh, how embarrassing. I'm
sweating through my shirt. I'm human, I get like I know,
but of course, like I also carry shame, and so
instead of going down the shame road, I go down
the of course road and it feels better. Well. I
love that.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I think that is good advice because I would bet
if March is a popular time to break up. Somebody
is going to be listening to this in March that
needs this. Are there ways to prepare yourself emotionally if
(23:40):
you sense like a breakup is coming, Like maybe someone's
literally listening to this right now and they're like, I
am just picking up on vibes that a breakup is
on the horizon.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
There are two things there. One it kind of ties
back to the uncomfortable conversation we were having about the
young man taking the girl out to dinner and having
the conversation face to face instead of a text message.
If you're sensing it and this is the person you love,
maybe have the uncomfortable conversation and call it out of
(24:12):
I'm feeling less connected to you or I'm feeling something
has shifted. Can we talk about what's happening and be
brave and have the conversation. But the other piece of that,
the part that you really can control, is how you're
going to respond. And I think the most important thing
to do to prepare is to practice having your own back,
(24:36):
practice knowing I'm going to be okay no matter what happens.
And this is something I really had to build a
lot of reps. I had to do a lot of
practice of this. For me, this was a really weak muscle,
and I think about what are the ways I can
let myself know I'm going to be okay no matter what,
if I fail, if the relationship ends, if he never
(24:59):
wants to see me again, I'm going to be okay.
And it's not dependent on him. It's not dependent on
the relationship. So how can I strengthen that for myself?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I love that reminder of knowing that you are truly
going to be okay, and it may not feel that
way when it first happens. But that's the great thing
about this is in preparation, you can get ahead of it.
If you're sensing that something might be coming, and if
you're blindsided by it, you're going to feel that way
as well. But I would just like to I could
(25:30):
be a story of hope, as there is light on
the other side. And to go back to the cocoon
butterfly example and the turning to mush is if you
truly believe that that person is for you, and there's
nothing else for you out there and you're never going
to find anybody, then that's where you're going to stay.
(25:52):
Stuck like you'll forever be stuck in your little cocoon,
and that's going to be very isolating and lonely and sad,
and I don't want that for you. It's like the
Henry Ford quote. Whether you think you can or you
think you can't, you're right.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
So if you think there is nobody else out there
for you, then yeah, stay in your little cocoon. That's
exactly what's going to.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Happen for you.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
But if you believe that you can emerge from this
stronger and healthier and more beautiful than ever before, then
you're right, you can, but it's going to take the work.
Otherwise you're just going to be stuck in that little cocoon.
I love that image in my mind right now.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
I will say that's why a coach is amazing, because
sometimes we only have a glimmer of that for ourselves.
But if you're working with the right person, they get
to hold the whole picture of I see the butterfly
of what's possible on the other side, and I'm going
to hold the whole picture and I'm going to help
you through the process. I love that.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
What is one mindset shift? I love a good mindset shift.
Is there one a particular that makes a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah. I like to think about this like you're making
a cake and the very first cake you made probably
wasn't very good. You probably got the balance wrong, and
you've maybe like got the ingredients all or you didn't
quite get the science of it right. And then maybe
you had a cake that you made that was amazing,
(27:23):
and you've tried it again over and over and over again.
These are all of our relationships, are all these attempts
at baking a cake, And each time you do it,
you learn a little bit more and you start finding
the more you do it, you start finding what is
the right balance that I really like. And sometimes we
need the balance of that bitterness with the sweet. We need,
(27:45):
you know, that hit of that bitter coffee with the
chocolate to make the chocolate taste richer. So I like
to think about this stuff that you're going through is
that bitterness and it's going to make the sweet so
much better and it's going to add so much depth
to the life that you're baking right now.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Oh, I love that so much. You know. Earlier, right
when we first started talking, you mentioned your love journey
and keeping little bits and pieces from each relationship, not
because you want something with that person down the line
in any way that relationship is over, but it's part
of your love journey. And that's the cake. It's all
(28:27):
parts of your love journey being mixed together to make
something really yummy and beautiful and tasty. And I think
of how much I learned from my marriage ending. I
don't know that I learned much from relationships before that,
because I got married in my young to mid twenties,
(28:48):
and my serious relationship before that was in college, and
I don't know that I learned that much, Like I
wasn't in a place of learning and growth. I think
I just went through the heartache and didn't really walk
with much. But from my marriage, fast forward seventeen years
of that relationship and then in my forties, if I'm
(29:10):
getting into another relationship wanting it to be as healthy
as possible, I knew that I was going to have
to do the work on myself. And as I am
in a new relationship now, I like that I have
that vision now of me in the kitchen with all
my different ingredients baking my cake and all parts of
(29:30):
what I am bringing to the table now are important
in building my cake. And I learned so much.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yes, you learned so much. And I think as we
get older, we also start learning to embrace all the
parts of ourself. And I guess it doesn't translate so
much into baking. It's more like cooking, but you think
of like salty and sweet, balancing and new mommy and
depth of flavor. And as we embrace all those parts
of ourself, it makes you a full person.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah, And thankfully I put in the work to learn
from my failures in the relationship and then also my
partners parts of our relationship that were very unhealthy, and
it was very hard, Like I remember just wanting to
be so far away from all of it because I
was like, this is just all so hard, this hurts
(30:20):
so much. But now I think of who I am
and what I can bring to the table because of
that pain that I went through. And I also know
it was painful too, because it was a relationship that
meant a lot to me and I never thought I
would get divorced right when I got married. That just
was not an option at all. And so then, you know,
speaking of shame, you mentioned that earlier, I carried that
(30:41):
around with me of like, oh, now I'm divorced and
that was never supposed to be a part of my
story and I've got two kids, but now it's like, oh,
so much of that is a part of what makes
up my cake.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
So if you just had one piece of advice, I
know you've got a lot of wisdom that you pass
along to clients and if you're doing interviews like this,
but if there was just one piece of advice to
someone that is struggling right now to let go of somebody,
what's that one piece of advice that you would give them.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
My one piece of advice is that you are so
much more powerful than you know, and you are capable
of so much more than you know, and you have
wonderful gifts that you need to share with the world.
And the time that you are spending stuck, it's keeping
those gifts and your power from really radiating out and
(31:37):
from you shining your light. And we need your light
right now. And if it's hard to stop looking backwards,
start looking where your feet are right now and where
your heart is right now, and be there for yourself
right now. It might be hard to look at a future.
It might be hard to look forward, but take care
of you right now today, in this moment, start right here.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Dolly Pardon has a quote that's the way I see it.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up
with the rain. I love that, and it's just such
a good one. It's a good one because we're all
going to go through storms and rainbows are such a
beautiful thing that we get to enjoy. But it is
(32:22):
after the rain. It is after a storm, and if
you stay stuck inside, you may miss the rainbow.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
The butterfly comes after the goo.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
That's right. That's Sarah's quote. So Dolly's quote is the
rainbow after the rain, and I think I can get
on board with the butterfly comes after the goop. That's
such a good one.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Sarah.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Where can people find you? If they want to learn
more about what you offer and what you.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Do, they can come follow me on Instagram. I'm at
Sarah Cronol's so just my name all one word or
I wanted to offer a little freak to your listeners
because I know this conversation has been so deep. I
have a free guide of ten journal prompts that they
can do and they can download that at top ten
journal prompts dot com.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
I'll also link it in the show notes and Sarah
spells her last name see you are Innoles, so that'll
be linked there. We love a good journal prompt Sarah's
got ten of them, and journaling is one of the
ways that you can let go of an X. I'm
sure those prompts help people process that and surrender, let
(33:35):
it go.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
They'll take what we started here and it'll go a
lot deeper.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
And then apparently I love fire because then after your
journal I'm probably gonna be like, and then go ahead
and burn it, do it.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Release it, send that up to the ether.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah, there you go. Well, Sarah, thank you for this conversation.
Break up Detox. I think that this is something that
will definitely come in handy and unfortunately maybe for more
people this month then others, but at least people can
now be as prepared as possible and have hope that
they're going to be okay. Absolutely, thank you, Sarah, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Thank you so much for having me
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