Amy & Kat go over some listener questions and emails. First, a listener is trying to conceive while three family members are pregnant at the same time. The jealousy is real and so is the guilt about feeling jealous. Then a blindsiding breakup over text after six months of dating. He's 39 with two kids. A TEXT. Amy and Kat have feelings about that. Another listener asks for marriage communication advice so we break it down the only way that actually works, explained like toddlers. And when is the right time to introduce your kids to someone new after divorce? Amy & Kat get into the general guidelines and the book recommendation Mix, Don't Blend. Plus two listener emails that could not be more opposite about “passing gas,” but honestly both of them are completely valid.
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburen
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
A right break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons home,
Amy and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and felas,
do you just follow an the spirit where it's all
go phone or real stuff to the chill stuff and
m but sway, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop to feel things. This is Feeling Things
(00:36):
with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, the Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat,
and I'm certain to rethink if we need to call
it the listener Interaction episode, because sometimes you just have perspective.
People are offering, they send emails. We have some questions today.
But then also we've got some people joining in on
our conversation that we talked about on Tuesday, because we
(01:00):
had voicemails about the whole farting thing like this has
become a really big topic this week.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I was waiting for you to say the word yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So we had voicemails on Tuesday. If you listen to
the Feeling Things episode, and then today we've got some emails.
We'll say those.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
People like talking about it. I don't know if they
like listening to us talk about it, but they like
talking about it.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, it's a hot topic for us, at least in
the last week and a half two weeks or so.
The question from a listener, I need help getting over
a blindsiding breakup via text. I'm thirty six, he's thirty
nine with two kids. We dated six months. I think
Kat and I collectively could just say one word for you, loser.
(01:48):
If he broke up with you via text and you
have been dating six months, how do you get over it?
Will know that you've been spared, yeah, because his loser
behavior was going to continue, and you should be thankful
to be out of that relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Which I feel like a lot of times people say
that like you've dodged a bullet and stuff like that.
It's hard to see that in the moment when you're
really sad, and so I wonder if she's looking back
on this relationship with what I like to call rosy
retrospect where you see all of the good things, but
you're not seeing like the reality a lot of times.
(02:23):
And so maybe you know, do some fact checking of
yourself and see what the relationship was really like and
if there were other red flags that maybe you ignored
because you liked the sky or whatever reason. Because it
would be shocking to me if this guy was night
and shining armor and then broke up with you over
(02:43):
a text. Yes, what would be imagine?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Really off?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Yeah, I would imagine there's other communication issues or thoughtlessness. Carelessness.
That's a very careless, thoughtless thing to do.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Ghost.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Have you been dumped it almost dumpted? Have you been
dumped by a text?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
No? I haven't, But I mean I've been married. I
mean as adults. I guess in my limited dating that
I've done in the last few years, I maybe could
have been dumped via text. I did get blindsided that
I thought I was a little more exclusive with someone
(03:23):
that I wasn't. So then was I found that out
was awakening. My friend called me and said, are you
still going out with so and so? And I said yeah,
And she said, well, I'm at dinner with somebody who
has a date with him tomorrow, and I was like, cool,
I didn't know how he had time to date other people.
We hadn't had that talk though, so I I wasn't
(03:44):
annoyed or mad. I just didn't know how he would
have the time because we struggled matching up our schedules
between his kids and my kids and our jobs and
our and now I know dates. Yeah, I was like, okay,
so uh yeah, it's just yeah, poor communication on his part.
And I like that, Kat, you actually gave some advice
(04:06):
besides just slabeling him as a loser. So that's good
at least something for her to walk away from.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I also, I also do think that ending relationships via
text can be appropriate if it's not serious, like I've
had people end things with me and vice versa, and
when you're in the dating stages when it's not that serious,
and it would be kind of like overkilled a bit
when it comes over and talk when we're.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Not actually really together together.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Yeah, so there's a time and a place for the text.
But six months and it sounds like you guys were exclusive.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And it was a breakup. Yeah, So I think if
you have to use the word breakup or we shouldn't
see each other anymore. But yeah, to your point, I
guess if it's just a couple of dates, then you
can do it over text.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, I don't want to go personally. If you're gonna
dump me, dump me, I have that air quotes. We've
only been on like three or four dates. I don't
want to meet up. He to do it, Yeah, just
just do it, text me, just ghost me, ghost But
if it's and you can do that in a kind way,
I think too. Or a phone call, which I don't
even need that some people might, but six months you
(05:13):
deserved more than that.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So I remember that one guy. I went out with
him one time and then he asked me out again.
So I sent a text I don't think we're a
good fit. However I said it, and he didn't respond
for a year.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Oh my gosh, I forgot about what he did. He
did reach back out.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
A year later. He circled back like I thought, I
was doing a kind, clear thing, and I thought this
is so mature. He's probably gonna reply, hey, thanks for
being so cool about this nice meeting you. Nothing his
went dark and then his response when I remember.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Is it like no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Here? Later, he's like, no problem, hope you're having a
good life.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And what that means is he's trying to see if
you want to go out with him again at that point, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
A year later, you're gonna reply. Or I thought, did
his reply get stuck somewhere in like the wires took
the towers and text message virtual land and it finally
came all the way to me, because what an odd
thing to revisit.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
No, I think that he was like, I'm thinking of Amy.
Oh I never responded to her. That means I still
get to respond, okay, and maybe that response is going
to elicit her to think about me and maybe she'll
give me a second chance.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Was speaking of communication. Another question we got was about communication,
but this is for a married couple, so not dating.
She just said, any advice for married couples on communication?
But advice explained like, we're toddlers and I'm thinking, interesting
to be in a marriage and need help with communication
(06:59):
on such a low level or high level, But just
explain to you in a low level way. I feel
like a tool that my ex husband and I did
a lot in our couples therapy before we got divorced. Now,
hang on with me, because this is good for people
that want to stay together. Like, there's hope it worked
(07:21):
for what it serve its purpose. It served its purpose
for us, and then I can use it in other
relationships because this could be something you use in business
and friendships. And it's the exercise where you have permission
with each other to receive what the other person is
saying and then repeat it back and you even say
(07:44):
the lines as cheesy as it sounds. So like, I
don't know if you want to do this with your boss.
I said you could do this at work, but you
might need clarity around some things. I know. But I'm
just sitting picturing you being like, hey, boss, so what
I'm hearing you say is and regurgitate it back.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Well, I feel like maybe I'm not thinking that's so
weird because I'm a therapist and I'd be like, yeah,
oh okay, I love this.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
But I feel like in some boss situations that might
be weird.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
But I think a lot of corporate worlds they do
exercises like this in their trainings and stuff, okay, like
leadership treaming, So I think that they use I'm not corporate,
not a corporate person obviously, but I think they're used
to using some of this kind of communication language.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Okay, well, then maybe this is totally normal in the workplace.
I use it with my ex husband and we still
use it to this day in our co parenting. But
it's an exercise where the person shares something. You're quiet,
you are listening, and then your only job when they
get done talking is to say what I hear you
(08:45):
saying is and then you repeat back what they just said,
and sometimes you repeat it back and it's got your
own little spin on it, and then you're more than
likely to be doing this just you and the persons.
You won't have a third party there. In our case,
we had a therapist there that would, as we were
getting used to this exercise, be like, h you just
(09:06):
twisted it. Start over, and I would have to start
over and really try my best to repeat back exactly
what he said. And this was very helpful for us
because a lot of times when the other person is talking,
it's going through our little filter and then we're turning
it into what we think they're saying based on our filter.
(09:28):
So they when we say it back, it's like they
have the opportunity to say Oh, yes, that's you heard me.
That's exactly what I said. Or they can say, oh,
I don't feel like you heard me. This is what
I'm trying to say, and they can either rephrase it
so that you can understand it, or you just they
(09:48):
say it again, and then you have your job to do,
which is repeating it. And it allows you to start
to really listen when communicating, because a lot of us
when we're in those situations, we're having to listen. We're
already thinking of what we're going to say next, or
how we're going to defend ourselves or and really it's
(10:09):
just forcing you to pay attention and really hear what
the other person is saying.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, and I liked what you said earlier when we
were talking about how sometimes when you get when you
hear what you said repeated back to you, even if
it's right, hearing it can help you be like, wait,
is that what I meant to say? Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, Kat and I were talking about this and we
were eating lunch before we were recording, So that was
something that came up for me in the exercise, like
my accession would say it back to me exactly how
I said it, but then I hearing it back, I
was like, oh wait, let me rework that, because you
did your part right, But now that I'm hearing it back,
(10:47):
I need to say it differently. So there's that. It
just gives you opportunity, both of you to really hear
and listen. So I don't know if I explain that
like a toddler or like I was talking to a toddler,
But if your partner is willing to sit down and
do that when you'll have to have conversations, it can
be very helpful. And then you don't have to be
(11:08):
so dramatic about it. Like the more you do it,
then you can just casually. Like it could even be
you're on a phone call and your partner is saying
something and you're like, okay, so what I'm hearing you
say is and it's a debt. You repeat it back
and they're like yes or no, and then you move.
It doesn't have to be this dramatic sit down where
you're like, okay, so what I'm.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Hearing you say? Yeah? I always say these kinds of
conversations don't have to be like a come to Jesus.
They can become normal parts of your life. How you
communicate this way.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yeah, you'll start to get used to it, like it'll
become second nature.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Yeah. Yeah. And then we also have our intentional dialogue,
which we love. I'm gonna test you do you can
you say it off your dome?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Okay, okay. So this is used for conflict in general,
so it can be high conflict, it can be low conflict,
but it's just the easy way to actually be concise
in get what you want to say off of your chest,
and I can I can add at the end of this.
When you do this, you can then have the person
repeat this, so we're you can combine intentional dialogue, this
(12:11):
and what Amy just explained.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So okay, So it would be something like, when this
happened and you fill in the blank, I felt fill
in the blank, and the story that I told myself
was blank. What I need is blank, and then the
(12:36):
other person can repeat it back okay, and then they
can say did I get it right?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And then you can say yes or no, and you
can try again. I also always add in when when
we do the story I told myself, you can also
say the judgment I had, so the judgment that I
had based on that. So those are two sentence stems
that can be interchanged, right there.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
A lot of times, mine's just a story I told myself. Yeah,
because what's an example of like the judge I had,
Like I felt.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Like, well, it's kind of similar. It's just that sometimes
it fits better with how like you want to say it.
They're basically the same thing. So that when you showed
up late, you didn't show up late. This is I'm
making this up. Guys, I showed up blade. Actually, when
you showed up late, I felt angry. You can say
the story I told myself was that you didn't care
(13:24):
about being here, or you can say the judgment I
had is that this isn't important to you.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
M okay. So, and what I need is for you
to be on time.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Or for you to communicate if you're running behind.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So what I'm hearing you say is you would like
for me to communicate if I'm running behind.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, but I would want you to say the whole
thing back.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So I'm hearing you say when I was late, you
felt like you weren't important? Is that what you said? See?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
See how hard it is. I don't even actually know
what I said because I.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Read it boking it out if we had real feelings involved,
we'd probably be better at this. But no, it is
like the story you told yourself is that you weren't important.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
This is important.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
This was important, And what you need is for me
to be on time or at least communicate where I
am and that I'm going to be there.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yeah, capiche, capiche. What you don't like that word?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I don't know just where'd that come from?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Maybe you just made a face. I don't know what's
popped into my head and I thought I wanted to
say it.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Someone asked when is it appropriate to introduce kids to
a partner after divorce? Someone asked when is it appropriate
to introduce kids to a partner after divorce? Now, I
(14:49):
went through this, and I will say a book that
was just recommended to me the other day, I haven't
read it. I have ordered it though, because while I
don't have a boyfriendright now, i'll be dating again one day.
And it's for people dating when you have kids, or
and you've been divorced, or you're looking at merging too families,
and it's called Mix Don't Blend. And I can't say
(15:14):
anything more about it because I literally just ordered it
yesterday and it didn't look to be like hot book
that they're still making a lot of. I don't know.
Apparently I got it on Amazon, but it's taking two
weeks for it to get to me.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Well, sometimes those are the best books, you know. It's
not really celebrity written guide to whatever. It's probably written
by a real, you know, qualified person. Yeah, it was
recommended by a therapist. Yeah, mix don't blend.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
So I'm eager to see what I learn about mixing families.
And it's really from this is like the gist of
it from reading the cover, is that a lot of
times I think you try to I picture is like
a puzzle. You're trying to like put these two families
together perfectly, and you've got all these different dynamics. So
(16:09):
it more so should be that we're coming together as
like a bowl of fruit mixed together, instead of this
perfect puzzle they're trying to force everybody into.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Did they use puzzles?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
That's me, that's all me.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Okay. I was thinking that it meant similar like where
you blend something, it all becomes like the same consistency,
the same whatever, texture, color, But when you're just mixing it, it's, yeah,
like a fruit bowl, you see all the different pieces.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Still have it. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, mixing. That's probably
yours is better because it's actually blending. But when I
think of us like puzzle pieces and you're like trying
to force in a piece that doesn't fit there, but
you're trying to make it work, And that to me
is where maybe some of the exhaustion comes from of
trying to combine the families. But if you looked at
(16:55):
it more like we're mixing.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, so what did you learn about introducing your kids
through the process of doing it? And like, what, yeah,
what would tips be?
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Well, I think the number one thing that Ben and
I both did because he dated and I did, and
both of our kids have met our partners at some
point and we communicated with each other first. So hopefully,
if you have a healthy co parenting relationship, even if
you don't respectfully, I think it's good to at least
inform the person of what you're going to do. But again,
(17:31):
everybody's situation is a little different, so someone that might
not be the healthiest answer, But for us, it would
be weird for the kids to just come home and
be like, hey, I met dad's girlfriend and Ben didn't
give me a heads up at all. So I would
say informing your co parenter about your new partner before
introducing them to your children is step one. If you
have a co parent, I think once you know that
(17:55):
you're in this relationship for the long haul, I think
you may have an ink link, but I would give
it some time. Everybody's timeline might be a little bit
different than that, but if you're someone who's like a weekend,
you're just new. Wait, Like, I don't know if there's
a healthy or very specific date. I do remember reading
(18:18):
general guidelines and talking about like the six month mark,
but it's all relative because I'm sure that who knows,
I maybe did it at the three month mark. Yeah,
and my ex boyfriend's kids, I met each of them, well,
I met them. I met his kids before he met mine,
And that's just the way that it worked out. I
(18:38):
was gonna say I met them at different stages, but
I sort of met them all in one night. But
it was very quick, and we intentionally chose Halloween where
the kids were out and about and very busy trick
or treating with their friends. But all of their group
of people they all met on this one street to
trick or treat and he goes and walks up and
down with other parents anyways, so it's real casual, like, oh,
(18:59):
I get to meet dad's girlfriend high and then they're
off with their friends. And it wasn't this intense sit
down dinner where they're having to stare at me kind
of like slow roll.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I like that, like a drip in the night.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
And I like that what you're saying about there doesn't
have to be a specific because it does based on
your relationship and who you are and how things are going.
Six months might be too fast, six months might be
too soon, I mean too slow. So I like that
you're saying.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
But I would give it a weekend and do it
in the month. Get make it to the months plan
like don't and.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
You don't have to obviously know you're going to marry
this person, but like that you are interested in being
with this person for.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
A Yeah, like you feel like this is a stable relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Okay, I like that when it feels stable. It has
to feel stable in order to do this right.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
And now this is this that timeframe is how long
y'all have been dating? Now, how long have you been divorced?
Because that's another factor you need to bring into the
because if Ben and I had just gotten divorced and
he started dating somebody and they let's say he got
(20:10):
into it really quickly, and then he's been dating her
for three months now and he wants to introduced her
to the kids, But that means we just officially got divorced,
also three months ago. Ee, that might not be the
same because the kids are still processing the divorce. So
that's another timing factor that needs to be at play here.
But say you've been divorced for a while, then you
can do the three to six months or whatever works
(20:31):
for you.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Would you say from your experience that you would want
to talk to your kids about meeting them before springing
it on them, like make sure they know that it's
happening versus yes, oh this guy just showed up at
our house or oh for sure this person's gonna come
with yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah. It would definitely give them time to process it
and ask if they are interested yes, which that also
makes me think about the kids and they're processing their
age how much or are they So there's so many
yeah layers to this, it's like an onion.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah, introducing like a sixteen year old is very different
than a three year old, right, so some.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Of the new things to consider as to whether or
not the kids are ready. Definitely nuance. You feel good
about that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I feel good about that, and like, yay for getting
out there. And whoever wrote this question and dating after divorce,
it's hard.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We've got someone that is TTC that wrote in which
I now know what that is because Kat was trying
to conceive, which I also I was ttcing, but I
didn't that was twenty ten. I don't know that.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Yeah, I was calling then.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
Maybe twenty twelve.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Actually social I don't know if it's social media because
I was reading TTC on like the fertility website and
stuff like that. Okay, And there is a lot of
different acron acronyms acrony that I had to look up
around TTC, but that was definitely one of them.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
So the question we got is I'm TTC and three
family members are pregnant. I am sad slash jelly, but
feel guilty for feeling that way.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
So okay, this is very What I'm gonna say is
very simple for me to say. It's harder to digest
and feel because I know these feelings can be really big.
But I think this is a place where two things
can be totally true at the same time. Period. Just
because you are jealous of something or envy something doesn't
(22:36):
mean that you aren't or can't be happy for them
at the same time. So guilty says when we're feeling guilty,
it's saying that we're doing something wrong. I would say,
you're not doing anything wrong. Here. You can be very
excited for your family, and a big part of you
can feel very jealous, which just means they have something
(22:57):
that you want. It doesn't mean you're resenting them. It
doesn't mean that you're wishing bad things on them. It
just means it's hard for you to sit there sometimes
and put a smile on your face. It doesn't mean
that you don't want to m you know. So, I mean,
I I'm sure you felt this. I felt this. Of course,
I'm happy when good things happen to people I love.
(23:19):
And of course, at the same time, I'm like, why
couldn't this baby?
Speaker 2 (23:23):
You know, I know you don't have headphones on, but
just now I went mm hmmm, and like, and I
have headphones on for sound, and it feels really deep
to me today, like you're h or our episode. Well,
I'm like, is my testosterone kicking out?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Oh your voice?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
No, the episode, I mean it's somewhat deep. I feel
like we're talking about dating after divorce and communication and
marriage and TTC. So yes, there are deep things, but
just now it's.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Like you're learning, you're learning it therapist. Yeah, does a
therapist do that when you're when that's part of like active.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Listen it sounds so deep today?
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Do it again? Well, I just don't think you normally
do that. I don't think it's deep.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Well why am I doing it now? If I don't?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Maybe you just really into what I was saying.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's just really maybe the headphones are up high or
something that there's some like I don't know if you're
listening right now.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Okay, now you're making it like central.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
A lot. I'll change the vib real quick. If we
can talk about fardin Okay, Okay, here's an email we got.
This is from Heather in Pittsburgh. She's forty four. I
love that everyone's giving us their age. Everybody is I know,
Hey there, Amy and Kat. I just finished listening to
your episode about weird things people do that are in love,
(24:48):
and I wanted to tell you my feelings about breaking
wind in front of my husband. We have been married
for twenty three years and together for twenty eight years,
and I can honestly say neither one of us had
done it in front of me each other, or they
haven't done it in front of each other.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
They have been married for twenty eight years together twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Years married twenty three together, twenty eight that's crazy. It's
not because we aren't comfortable around each other. He's my
rock in my safe place. I just feel that it's
very important to keep your relationship spicy and fun. And
while it's a natural thing to do, no one is
going to find someone else sexy when they hear them
do that.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Some they beg to differ.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Kat is over here holding her pregnant belly. Her husband
must think it's hot.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
All the good news is I didn't have to think
my husband's spicy to get pregnant. We happened at a
doctor's office.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Okay, that's right, because you're TTC. Yeah. Anyways, I wanted
to share my thoughts so Amy didn't feel like she
was the only one that kept that part of our
lives private from the people we love have the day
you need to have Heather from Pittsburgh again.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
For Okay, so we found somebody just like you.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Thanks Heather. Yeah, feeling less alone this next email. Don't
have a name, but I have initials E M D
E M D E M d R.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I was like, where are you going with this?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Well? I was like, why does em D sound familiar?
And it's because of EMDR, which is a.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Little therapy thrown out there. TTC E M D E
M d R.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
She's from New York and is thirty. Hey, Amy and Kat.
I absolutely loved this episode. I mean, but you did.
We talked about more. I mean, I know this last
Tuesday we're playing more voicemails about the farting, but we
talked about more than farting. Like, I thought it was
so cute how you admitted to wanting to bite Patrick,
And I'm like, is that what I need? I just
(26:53):
need to find someone that I want to nibble? Yeah,
because we talked about there's to show your love. Yes,
I was laughing out loud when you discussed farting in
a relationship. Specifically, when Kat mentioned Amy's hypothetical dating profile
goal of finding someone she can fart in front of
(27:15):
I grew up in a quote farting family, where it
was acceptable at home but understood as private elsewhere. In
my serious relationships, and especially now in my marriage, passing
gas has always been a bitchmark for comfort. You should
be full of yourself around your partner, and holding it
(27:36):
in is definitely not comfortable. I love this email is
the exact opposite the last email. The first time I
passed gas in front of my now husband was a
few months into dating. I had a stomach ache. I'm
(27:58):
so immature, and when I warned him it might smell,
he simply he simply told me to go for it.
He passed the vibe check immediately. We have now been
together for eight years, married for three. We are completely
open about it and often quote shreks better out than in.
(28:20):
That said, we still maintain some mystery. We don't enter
the bathroom when the other is using it, with the
exception of my recovery after a C section. Now that
we have a nine month old son, farts have become
even funnier, as is even he giggles after a pig duo. Kat,
(28:41):
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I wish you all the best
for a smooth and safe delivery. Amy, I hope you
find someone who.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Loves all of you.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Fuck you say that, Mart, you say it, And.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I hope I hope you find someone who loves all
of you flatulence so really flatulence flatulence included, and that
you get to enjoy those fart walks together. You are
beautiful inside and out and deserve someone who lets you
be yourself.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Well, I'm trying to figure out which which version is myself?
Am I am I? E M D? Or am I Heather?
It's tough because Heather I was like, thank you, Heather, Yes,
we don't have to do that, And then now I'm like,
em D sounds fine, Yeah, like just let it out.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
She grew up in a fart family.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Yeah, so thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
E M D. I think you reading that was the
best part of the email.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
That's a lot to think about.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Well, you could test this out, Okay, you don't have
to know what you want to be yet.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Just whoever I date, we just need to send them
these episodes from the last couple.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
I will say I was editing the video of this
the first original fart episode, and Patrick I was doing
it in our in our house and Patrick was in
our room with me. He was dying laughing at you.
He was cracking up so loud so and he was
shocked at first he was like what and then he.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Well, and then you made a social clip. Yeah yeah,
and I was like, I can't, you can't, I can't.
It's one thing for us to talk about it on
the podcast.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
It feels private. It does.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's just private, like these are in social media. Well yeah,
but I feel like social media things need just pop
up anywhere and people watch it and.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
They don't know.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
This is like these are our people, yeah, and they
know us. And if you're new here, welcome. We don't
always talk about party.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
We just had this episode out a lot, so okay,
you still don't want that clip to be aired?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I don't think so okay, I don't. I think listen.
I thought there was other farting stuff about you, but
it was about me. I said. It was just like
that you and Patrick do it. Y'all do that, so
like that's more relatable than you. The sixty second clip
(31:15):
about how I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
What was about how you don't do it? And at
the end you were like, I want that. How do
I find something like that and it's so cute.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Okay, well maybe we can make The clip.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Was about how you don't do it, so I know.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
But even talking about not doing it is embarrassing for me.
And it's not like I didn't grow up. I don't.
I wouldn't say like E M D said, a fart
farting family what she call it? Yeah, an f F.
I remember later in like my mom and her best
friend Katie, which also happens to be my sister's mother
(31:49):
in law, small world. I know they would do it
all the time and they just laugh. They think they
were so funny, but we were more like, ugh, mom, stop.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
But yeah, I do.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Think I want Now that I think about it, I
appreciate Heather's email, and I know that I'm not alone,
and I think I would like a there's any middle
ground and AMD like maybe a little bit of both,
like we don't have to do it all the time,
but yeah, and you can like like I'm not going
to be there's no way you're catching me say in
my tail, I like never, No, Like that's where em
(32:32):
D and I are not the same, Like I'm more
Heather vibes on that, but like there's I don't need
my boyfriend Nick past the vibe check with that.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
You can have boundaries. I don't do it in the bed.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah, if you have to, or maybe only out on
the walks. I only know how do I get past this.
It's almost like I need to exercise or inactivity where
I have to break this. I have to break free
from this. What I feel like? I feel self conscious,
like there's something I feel like. Watching that video, I
felt so uncomfortable and I'm like, Kat, you could never
(33:07):
post this.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
What do you not want people to think about you?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
I don't know, because I know everybody does.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It, yes, but also a lot of people. This is
the thing about that, like a lot of people. Everybody
does it, but a lot of people will be like
act like they don't or be like that's gross, when
really it is a normal thing that they do as well,
but pub in the public eye they act like, oh
my gosh, I would never do that, you know what
I mean? So I think that's am I making sense?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
I think that's part of it. Is like there is
a group of people that would be like, oh my gosh,
I cannot I mean, speaking of that, we talked about
the biting. We put that biting video up. I did
delete a mean comment.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Oh they said about me? Wait why do you delete it?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
We put that biting video up. I did delete the
mean comment. Oh they say about me?
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Wait why do you leave it?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
It was I want people to see that it's good.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Though, people will come to your defense what they say.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
He said, Well, somebody put in a funny comment that
was like tell Armie Hammer that which that was because
I was talking for people that haven't seen the video.
It's about how biting your partner is a sign of
affection and it's called cute aggression, and it's like how
like when you see a baby and you're like, oh
my gosh, you're so cute. I want to eat you.
It's like the same thing. And it was something about
(34:34):
like how I must not have got like been nurtured
correctly as a kid. And then it was like you
can tell she's been a thumbsucker her whole life.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
What does that even mean?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I don't know something about. Then I got self conscious
because you know, I have a gap in my teeth,
and I was like, think that that's from sucking my thumb,
because it's actually from not wearing my retainer.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Well, First of all, I think your little gap is
so cute, and I've told you that I know multiple times. Second,
I don't think he notices the gap in your gap
is not that noticeable. You think he was making a
gap even completely off.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
At that life point is because I'm self conscious of something.
Then I'm writing a story about that too. But I
didn't want I mean, maybe I should have kept that
up there because I didn't want people. I'm fine with
the people that are like, ha ha ha ha, that's
so funny, cute, whatever, and then you don't want the
negative feedback. But when you put something on the Internet,
most of the time you get a little bit of both. Yeah,
(35:25):
so if we put that other video of you up,
you would there would be a little bit of both.
There would be people being like, oh my gosh, oh
I would never and then you know, I didn't feel
good versus our people are more like, oh my gosh,
that's so funny, and they could if they're not going
to do it. There's like Heather, she's saying it in
a nice kind.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Someone goes does licking also count? Like I licked the
side of.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
His face and she doing that in a playful way,
or like a nice sexual way.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
And then I mean, these comments, it's been a minute
since I went to look at them. I once had
a cookie smashed into my face? Is that the same
what I used to get in trouble for biting my
best friend when I was in sixth grade? We're still
best to use twenty one years later. Nothing I love
more than to bite my husband when he gets home
(36:14):
from work. See, she's like you, yeah, Armie Hammer. He's
that's not he did bad stuff right.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Uh. The jury is out on whether or not it's
all true or not. But apparently he like made comm
I think it was that he made comments about or
text about wanting to like eat the people he was
sleeping with, like cannibalism, Yes, his cannibalism stuff. And then
he I don't know if I don't know what he
(36:46):
actually did, but it's also I don't know that with
the rolling on that ever. But regardless, I think his
reputation is ruined because people when they think of Army Hammer,
they think of cannibalism. It's tough.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, I kind of forgot about that, but now that
I pulled it up real quickly, I remember.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, if he was married at one point I feel
like just.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Some cannibal and assault allegations. I did see the other
day he was someone took a picture of him. It's
the first time he'd surfaced publicly.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
And oh really, I mean, how do you five.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Years since that's it's been five years since all that
stuff came out.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
That feels farther away. Yeah, I don't know how you
come back from a cannibalism scandal. It's gotta be.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Tough, gotta be Yeah, it's not cute.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
No, that's not cute. Aggression, that's aggression.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Yeah, or something. Would you be able to eat me
if we were in a plane crash?
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Are you thinking of what I'm thinking about? What did
you watch that show?
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Oh, Yellow Jackets? Yeah? Well I read Miracle and Nandies,
which that actually is true story that happened where they
had to do that and they were legit people, they
knew And I think I would just be good dying.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
Well here's my thought on that.
Speaker 2 (38:06):
But eat me up if you need to, only if.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
You had died already. You're not going to kill you.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
Oh no, no, no, no, like I an avalanche comes down
and you're dead. Yeah, And I've been preserved in the
snow like.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
A little ice box. So my thought on that is,
I feel like if you're in a situation like that,
your survival brain is the only brain working. So it's
not my brain right now, who is, Like I cannot
imagine eating a human being, Like no, absolutely not. I'd
just take me out. But if you're in if I'm
in that situation, I don't know how my brain is
(38:41):
going to be working, But I do know if I
do it. If I did it, I don't think I
would ever be able to be the same after you've
had to eat you to survive. I think i'd need
some serious emdr.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Im, Like I think about those people that survived that.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
It's not just you're it's it's not even just eating
a person, it's eating one of your best friends. Like, yeah,
it's crazy, But the flip side of that is what
I want you to If I died and that was
the only way you could survive, I feel like I
would want you to do that.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, I wouldn't want you to eat me too, but
I understand it being difficult.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
So now we have that.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Now that that's clear, if you're ever in a situation
like you have my permission.
Speaker 1 (39:24):
Okay, you guys. We should every should have these conversations
with their close friends. If you're traveling, or even if
you're not traveling somewhere that there could be.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
Cat and I were going on a trip together at
the end of the month to the desert.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
You never know what could happen, so we have this
out in the air. I know that's what you would want.
I understand if you couldn't, but it would also be
my honor to save your life in that way.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
Thank you. Yeah, I don't want to talk about this now.
I'm like, I think I'd rather talk about party. Well.
Thank y'all for sending in questions and email. You can
hit us up. Hey, They're at Feeling Things podcast dot com. Yeah,
and on Instagram and TikTok We're Feeling Things podcast and
(40:09):
you can call us eight seven seven two o seven
two o seven seven. And we hope wherever you are,
you have the day you need to have. Bye. Bye,
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
A right break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons home,
Amy and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and felas,
do you just follow an the spirit where it's all
go phone or real stuff to the chill stuff and
m but sway, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop to feel things. This is Feeling Things
(00:36):
with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, the Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat,
and I'm certain to rethink if we need to call
it the listener Interaction episode, because sometimes you just have perspective.
People are offering, they send emails. We have some questions today.
But then also we've got some people joining in on
our conversation that we talked about on Tuesday, because we
(01:00):
had voicemails about the whole farting thing like this has
become a really big topic this week.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I was waiting for you to say the word yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So we had voicemails on Tuesday. If you listen to
the Feeling Things episode, and then today we've got some emails.
We'll say those.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
People like talking about it. I don't know if they
like listening to us talk about it, but they like
talking about it.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, it's a hot topic for us, at least in
the last week and a half two weeks or so.
The question from a listener, I need help getting over
a blindsiding breakup via text. I'm thirty six, he's thirty
nine with two kids. We dated six months. I think
Kat and I collectively could just say one word for you, loser.
(01:48):
If he broke up with you via text and you
have been dating six months, how do you get over it?
Will know that you've been spared, yeah, because his loser
behavior was going to continue, and you should be thankful
to be out of that relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Which I feel like a lot of times people say
that like you've dodged a bullet and stuff like that.
It's hard to see that in the moment when you're
really sad, and so I wonder if she's looking back
on this relationship with what I like to call rosy
retrospect where you see all of the good things, but
you're not seeing like the reality a lot of times.
(02:23):
And so maybe you know, do some fact checking of
yourself and see what the relationship was really like and
if there were other red flags that maybe you ignored
because you liked the sky or whatever reason. Because it
would be shocking to me if this guy was night
and shining armor and then broke up with you over
(02:43):
a text. Yes, what would be imagine?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Really off?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Yeah, I would imagine there's other communication issues or thoughtlessness. Carelessness.
That's a very careless, thoughtless thing to do.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Ghost.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Have you been dumped it almost dumpted? Have you been
dumped by a text?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
No? I haven't, But I mean I've been married. I
mean as adults. I guess in my limited dating that
I've done in the last few years, I maybe could
have been dumped via text. I did get blindsided that
I thought I was a little more exclusive with someone
(03:23):
that I wasn't. So then was I found that out
was awakening. My friend called me and said, are you
still going out with so and so? And I said yeah,
And she said, well, I'm at dinner with somebody who
has a date with him tomorrow, and I was like, cool,
I didn't know how he had time to date other people.
We hadn't had that talk though, so I I wasn't
(03:44):
annoyed or mad. I just didn't know how he would
have the time because we struggled matching up our schedules
between his kids and my kids and our jobs and
our and now I know dates. Yeah, I was like, okay,
so uh yeah, it's just yeah, poor communication on his part.
And I like that, Kat, you actually gave some advice
(04:06):
besides just slabeling him as a loser. So that's good
at least something for her to walk away from.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I also, I also do think that ending relationships via
text can be appropriate if it's not serious, like I've
had people end things with me and vice versa, and
when you're in the dating stages when it's not that serious,
and it would be kind of like overkilled a bit
when it comes over and talk when we're.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Not actually really together together.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Yeah, so there's a time and a place for the text.
But six months and it sounds like you guys were exclusive.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And it was a breakup. Yeah, So I think if
you have to use the word breakup or we shouldn't
see each other anymore. But yeah, to your point, I
guess if it's just a couple of dates, then you
can do it over text.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, I don't want to go personally. If you're gonna
dump me, dump me, I have that air quotes. We've
only been on like three or four dates. I don't
want to meet up. He to do it, Yeah, just
just do it, text me, just ghost me, ghost But
if it's and you can do that in a kind way,
I think too. Or a phone call, which I don't
even need that some people might, but six months you
(05:13):
deserved more than that.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So I remember that one guy. I went out with
him one time and then he asked me out again.
So I sent a text I don't think we're a
good fit. However I said it, and he didn't respond
for a year.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Oh my gosh, I forgot about what he did. He
did reach back out.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
A year later. He circled back like I thought, I
was doing a kind, clear thing, and I thought this
is so mature. He's probably gonna reply, hey, thanks for
being so cool about this nice meeting you. Nothing his
went dark and then his response when I remember.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Is it like no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Here? Later, he's like, no problem, hope you're having a
good life.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And what that means is he's trying to see if
you want to go out with him again at that point, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
A year later, you're gonna reply. Or I thought, did
his reply get stuck somewhere in like the wires took
the towers and text message virtual land and it finally
came all the way to me, because what an odd
thing to revisit.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
No, I think that he was like, I'm thinking of Amy.
Oh I never responded to her. That means I still
get to respond, okay, and maybe that response is going
to elicit her to think about me and maybe she'll
give me a second chance.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Was speaking of communication. Another question we got was about communication,
but this is for a married couple, so not dating.
She just said, any advice for married couples on communication?
But advice explained like, we're toddlers and I'm thinking, interesting
to be in a marriage and need help with communication
(06:59):
on such a low level or high level, But just
explain to you in a low level way. I feel
like a tool that my ex husband and I did
a lot in our couples therapy before we got divorced. Now,
hang on with me, because this is good for people
that want to stay together. Like, there's hope it worked
(07:21):
for what it serve its purpose. It served its purpose
for us, and then I can use it in other
relationships because this could be something you use in business
and friendships. And it's the exercise where you have permission
with each other to receive what the other person is
saying and then repeat it back and you even say
(07:44):
the lines as cheesy as it sounds. So like, I
don't know if you want to do this with your boss.
I said you could do this at work, but you
might need clarity around some things. I know. But I'm
just sitting picturing you being like, hey, boss, so what
I'm hearing you say is and regurgitate it back.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Well, I feel like maybe I'm not thinking that's so
weird because I'm a therapist and I'd be like, yeah,
oh okay, I love this.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
But I feel like in some boss situations that might
be weird.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
But I think a lot of corporate worlds they do
exercises like this in their trainings and stuff, okay, like
leadership treaming, So I think that they use I'm not corporate,
not a corporate person obviously, but I think they're used
to using some of this kind of communication language.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Okay, well, then maybe this is totally normal in the workplace.
I use it with my ex husband and we still
use it to this day in our co parenting. But
it's an exercise where the person shares something. You're quiet,
you are listening, and then your only job when they
get done talking is to say what I hear you
(08:45):
saying is and then you repeat back what they just said,
and sometimes you repeat it back and it's got your
own little spin on it, and then you're more than
likely to be doing this just you and the persons.
You won't have a third party there. In our case,
we had a therapist there that would, as we were
getting used to this exercise, be like, h you just
(09:06):
twisted it. Start over, and I would have to start
over and really try my best to repeat back exactly
what he said. And this was very helpful for us
because a lot of times when the other person is talking,
it's going through our little filter and then we're turning
it into what we think they're saying based on our filter.
(09:28):
So they when we say it back, it's like they
have the opportunity to say Oh, yes, that's you heard me.
That's exactly what I said. Or they can say, oh,
I don't feel like you heard me. This is what
I'm trying to say, and they can either rephrase it
so that you can understand it, or you just they
(09:48):
say it again, and then you have your job to do,
which is repeating it. And it allows you to start
to really listen when communicating, because a lot of us
when we're in those situations, we're having to listen. We're
already thinking of what we're going to say next, or
how we're going to defend ourselves or and really it's
(10:09):
just forcing you to pay attention and really hear what
the other person is saying.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, and I liked what you said earlier when we
were talking about how sometimes when you get when you
hear what you said repeated back to you, even if
it's right, hearing it can help you be like, wait,
is that what I meant to say? Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, Kat and I were talking about this and we
were eating lunch before we were recording, So that was
something that came up for me in the exercise, like
my accession would say it back to me exactly how
I said it, but then I hearing it back, I
was like, oh wait, let me rework that, because you
did your part right, But now that I'm hearing it back,
(10:47):
I need to say it differently. So there's that. It
just gives you opportunity, both of you to really hear
and listen. So I don't know if I explain that
like a toddler or like I was talking to a toddler,
But if your partner is willing to sit down and
do that when you'll have to have conversations, it can
be very helpful. And then you don't have to be
(11:08):
so dramatic about it. Like the more you do it,
then you can just casually. Like it could even be
you're on a phone call and your partner is saying
something and you're like, okay, so what I'm hearing you
say is and it's a debt. You repeat it back
and they're like yes or no, and then you move.
It doesn't have to be this dramatic sit down where
you're like, okay, so what I'm.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Hearing you say? Yeah? I always say these kinds of
conversations don't have to be like a come to Jesus.
They can become normal parts of your life. How you
communicate this way.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yeah, you'll start to get used to it, like it'll
become second nature.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Yeah. Yeah. And then we also have our intentional dialogue,
which we love. I'm gonna test you do you can
you say it off your dome?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Okay, okay. So this is used for conflict in general,
so it can be high conflict, it can be low conflict,
but it's just the easy way to actually be concise
in get what you want to say off of your chest,
and I can I can add at the end of this.
When you do this, you can then have the person
repeat this, so we're you can combine intentional dialogue, this
(12:11):
and what Amy just explained.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So okay, So it would be something like, when this
happened and you fill in the blank, I felt fill
in the blank, and the story that I told myself
was blank. What I need is blank, and then the
(12:36):
other person can repeat it back okay, and then they
can say did I get it right?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And then you can say yes or no, and you
can try again. I also always add in when when
we do the story I told myself, you can also
say the judgment I had, so the judgment that I
had based on that. So those are two sentence stems
that can be interchanged, right there.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
A lot of times, mine's just a story I told myself. Yeah,
because what's an example of like the judge I had,
Like I felt.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Like, well, it's kind of similar. It's just that sometimes
it fits better with how like you want to say it.
They're basically the same thing. So that when you showed
up late, you didn't show up late. This is I'm
making this up. Guys, I showed up blade. Actually, when
you showed up late, I felt angry. You can say
the story I told myself was that you didn't care
(13:24):
about being here, or you can say the judgment I
had is that this isn't important to you.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
M okay. So, and what I need is for you
to be on time.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Or for you to communicate if you're running behind.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So what I'm hearing you say is you would like
for me to communicate if I'm running behind.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, but I would want you to say the whole
thing back.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So I'm hearing you say when I was late, you
felt like you weren't important? Is that what you said? See?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
See how hard it is. I don't even actually know
what I said because I.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Read it boking it out if we had real feelings involved,
we'd probably be better at this. But no, it is
like the story you told yourself is that you weren't important.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
This is important.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
This was important, And what you need is for me
to be on time or at least communicate where I
am and that I'm going to be there.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yeah, capiche, capiche. What you don't like that word?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I don't know just where'd that come from?
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Maybe you just made a face. I don't know what's
popped into my head and I thought I wanted to
say it.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Someone asked when is it appropriate to introduce kids to
a partner after divorce? Someone asked when is it appropriate
to introduce kids to a partner after divorce? Now, I
(14:49):
went through this, and I will say a book that
was just recommended to me the other day, I haven't
read it. I have ordered it though, because while I
don't have a boyfriendright now, i'll be dating again one day.
And it's for people dating when you have kids, or
and you've been divorced, or you're looking at merging too families,
and it's called Mix Don't Blend. And I can't say
(15:14):
anything more about it because I literally just ordered it
yesterday and it didn't look to be like hot book
that they're still making a lot of. I don't know.
Apparently I got it on Amazon, but it's taking two
weeks for it to get to me.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Well, sometimes those are the best books, you know. It's
not really celebrity written guide to whatever. It's probably written
by a real, you know, qualified person. Yeah, it was
recommended by a therapist. Yeah, mix don't blend.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
So I'm eager to see what I learn about mixing families.
And it's really from this is like the gist of
it from reading the cover, is that a lot of
times I think you try to I picture is like
a puzzle. You're trying to like put these two families
together perfectly, and you've got all these different dynamics. So
(16:09):
it more so should be that we're coming together as
like a bowl of fruit mixed together, instead of this
perfect puzzle they're trying to force everybody into.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Did they use puzzles?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
That's me, that's all me.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Okay. I was thinking that it meant similar like where
you blend something, it all becomes like the same consistency,
the same whatever, texture, color, But when you're just mixing it, it's, yeah,
like a fruit bowl, you see all the different pieces.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Still have it. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, mixing. That's probably
yours is better because it's actually blending. But when I
think of us like puzzle pieces and you're like trying
to force in a piece that doesn't fit there, but
you're trying to make it work, And that to me
is where maybe some of the exhaustion comes from of
trying to combine the families. But if you looked at
(16:55):
it more like we're mixing.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, so what did you learn about introducing your kids
through the process of doing it? And like, what, yeah,
what would tips be?
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Well, I think the number one thing that Ben and
I both did because he dated and I did, and
both of our kids have met our partners at some
point and we communicated with each other first. So hopefully,
if you have a healthy co parenting relationship, even if
you don't respectfully, I think it's good to at least
inform the person of what you're going to do. But again,
(17:31):
everybody's situation is a little different, so someone that might
not be the healthiest answer, But for us, it would
be weird for the kids to just come home and
be like, hey, I met dad's girlfriend and Ben didn't
give me a heads up at all. So I would
say informing your co parenter about your new partner before
introducing them to your children is step one. If you
have a co parent, I think once you know that
(17:55):
you're in this relationship for the long haul, I think
you may have an ink link, but I would give
it some time. Everybody's timeline might be a little bit
different than that, but if you're someone who's like a weekend,
you're just new. Wait, Like, I don't know if there's
a healthy or very specific date. I do remember reading
(18:18):
general guidelines and talking about like the six month mark,
but it's all relative because I'm sure that who knows,
I maybe did it at the three month mark. Yeah,
and my ex boyfriend's kids, I met each of them, well,
I met them. I met his kids before he met mine,
And that's just the way that it worked out. I
(18:38):
was gonna say I met them at different stages, but
I sort of met them all in one night. But
it was very quick, and we intentionally chose Halloween where
the kids were out and about and very busy trick
or treating with their friends. But all of their group
of people they all met on this one street to
trick or treat and he goes and walks up and
down with other parents anyways, so it's real casual, like, oh,
(18:59):
I get to meet dad's girlfriend high and then they're
off with their friends. And it wasn't this intense sit
down dinner where they're having to stare at me kind
of like slow roll.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I like that, like a drip in the night.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
And I like that what you're saying about there doesn't
have to be a specific because it does based on
your relationship and who you are and how things are going.
Six months might be too fast, six months might be
too soon, I mean too slow. So I like that
you're saying.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
But I would give it a weekend and do it
in the month. Get make it to the months plan
like don't and.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
You don't have to obviously know you're going to marry
this person, but like that you are interested in being
with this person for.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
A Yeah, like you feel like this is a stable relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Okay, I like that when it feels stable. It has
to feel stable in order to do this right.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
And now this is this that timeframe is how long
y'all have been dating? Now, how long have you been divorced?
Because that's another factor you need to bring into the
because if Ben and I had just gotten divorced and
he started dating somebody and they let's say he got
(20:10):
into it really quickly, and then he's been dating her
for three months now and he wants to introduced her
to the kids, But that means we just officially got divorced,
also three months ago. Ee, that might not be the
same because the kids are still processing the divorce. So
that's another timing factor that needs to be at play here.
But say you've been divorced for a while, then you
can do the three to six months or whatever works
(20:31):
for you.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Would you say from your experience that you would want
to talk to your kids about meeting them before springing
it on them, like make sure they know that it's
happening versus yes, oh this guy just showed up at
our house or oh for sure this person's gonna come
with yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah. It would definitely give them time to process it
and ask if they are interested yes, which that also
makes me think about the kids and they're processing their
age how much or are they So there's so many
yeah layers to this, it's like an onion.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah, introducing like a sixteen year old is very different
than a three year old, right, so some.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Of the new things to consider as to whether or
not the kids are ready. Definitely nuance. You feel good
about that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I feel good about that, and like, yay for getting
out there. And whoever wrote this question and dating after divorce,
it's hard.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We've got someone that is TTC that wrote in which
I now know what that is because Kat was trying
to conceive, which I also I was ttcing, but I
didn't that was twenty ten. I don't know that.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Yeah, I was calling then.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
Maybe twenty twelve.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Actually social I don't know if it's social media because
I was reading TTC on like the fertility website and
stuff like that. Okay, And there is a lot of
different acron acronyms acrony that I had to look up
around TTC, but that was definitely one of them.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
So the question we got is I'm TTC and three
family members are pregnant. I am sad slash jelly, but
feel guilty for feeling that way.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
So okay, this is very What I'm gonna say is
very simple for me to say. It's harder to digest
and feel because I know these feelings can be really big.
But I think this is a place where two things
can be totally true at the same time. Period. Just
because you are jealous of something or envy something doesn't
(22:36):
mean that you aren't or can't be happy for them
at the same time. So guilty says when we're feeling guilty,
it's saying that we're doing something wrong. I would say,
you're not doing anything wrong. Here. You can be very
excited for your family, and a big part of you
can feel very jealous, which just means they have something
(22:57):
that you want. It doesn't mean you're resenting them. It
doesn't mean that you're wishing bad things on them. It
just means it's hard for you to sit there sometimes
and put a smile on your face. It doesn't mean
that you don't want to m you know. So, I mean,
I I'm sure you felt this. I felt this. Of course,
I'm happy when good things happen to people I love.
(23:19):
And of course, at the same time, I'm like, why
couldn't this baby?
Speaker 2 (23:23):
You know, I know you don't have headphones on, but
just now I went mm hmmm, and like, and I
have headphones on for sound, and it feels really deep
to me today, like you're h or our episode. Well,
I'm like, is my testosterone kicking out?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Oh your voice?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
No, the episode, I mean it's somewhat deep. I feel
like we're talking about dating after divorce and communication and
marriage and TTC. So yes, there are deep things, but
just now it's.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Like you're learning, you're learning it therapist. Yeah, does a
therapist do that when you're when that's part of like active.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Listen it sounds so deep today?
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Do it again? Well, I just don't think you normally
do that. I don't think it's deep.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Well why am I doing it now? If I don't?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Maybe you just really into what I was saying.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's just really maybe the headphones are up high or
something that there's some like I don't know if you're
listening right now.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Okay, now you're making it like central.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
A lot. I'll change the vib real quick. If we
can talk about fardin Okay, Okay, here's an email we got.
This is from Heather in Pittsburgh. She's forty four. I
love that everyone's giving us their age. Everybody is I know,
Hey there, Amy and Kat. I just finished listening to
your episode about weird things people do that are in love,
(24:48):
and I wanted to tell you my feelings about breaking
wind in front of my husband. We have been married
for twenty three years and together for twenty eight years,
and I can honestly say neither one of us had
done it in front of me each other, or they
haven't done it in front of each other.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
They have been married for twenty eight years together twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Years married twenty three together, twenty eight that's crazy. It's
not because we aren't comfortable around each other. He's my
rock in my safe place. I just feel that it's
very important to keep your relationship spicy and fun. And
while it's a natural thing to do, no one is
going to find someone else sexy when they hear them
do that.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Some they beg to differ.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Kat is over here holding her pregnant belly. Her husband
must think it's hot.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
All the good news is I didn't have to think
my husband's spicy to get pregnant. We happened at a
doctor's office.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Okay, that's right, because you're TTC. Yeah. Anyways, I wanted
to share my thoughts so Amy didn't feel like she
was the only one that kept that part of our
lives private from the people we love have the day
you need to have Heather from Pittsburgh again.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
For Okay, so we found somebody just like you.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Thanks Heather. Yeah, feeling less alone this next email. Don't
have a name, but I have initials E M D
E M D E M d R.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I was like, where are you going with this?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Well? I was like, why does em D sound familiar?
And it's because of EMDR, which is a.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Little therapy thrown out there. TTC E M D E
M d R.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
She's from New York and is thirty. Hey, Amy and Kat.
I absolutely loved this episode. I mean, but you did.
We talked about more. I mean, I know this last
Tuesday we're playing more voicemails about the farting, but we
talked about more than farting. Like, I thought it was
so cute how you admitted to wanting to bite Patrick,
And I'm like, is that what I need? I just
(26:53):
need to find someone that I want to nibble? Yeah,
because we talked about there's to show your love. Yes,
I was laughing out loud when you discussed farting in
a relationship. Specifically, when Kat mentioned Amy's hypothetical dating profile
goal of finding someone she can fart in front of
(27:15):
I grew up in a quote farting family, where it
was acceptable at home but understood as private elsewhere. In
my serious relationships, and especially now in my marriage, passing
gas has always been a bitchmark for comfort. You should
be full of yourself around your partner, and holding it
(27:36):
in is definitely not comfortable. I love this email is
the exact opposite the last email. The first time I
passed gas in front of my now husband was a
few months into dating. I had a stomach ache. I'm
(27:58):
so immature, and when I warned him it might smell,
he simply he simply told me to go for it.
He passed the vibe check immediately. We have now been
together for eight years, married for three. We are completely
open about it and often quote shreks better out than in.
(28:20):
That said, we still maintain some mystery. We don't enter
the bathroom when the other is using it, with the
exception of my recovery after a C section. Now that
we have a nine month old son, farts have become
even funnier, as is even he giggles after a pig duo. Kat,
(28:41):
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I wish you all the best
for a smooth and safe delivery. Amy, I hope you
find someone who.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Loves all of you.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Fuck you say that, Mart, you say it, And.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I hope I hope you find someone who loves all
of you flatulence so really flatulence flatulence included, and that
you get to enjoy those fart walks together. You are
beautiful inside and out and deserve someone who lets you
be yourself.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Well, I'm trying to figure out which which version is myself?
Am I am I? E M D? Or am I Heather?
It's tough because Heather I was like, thank you, Heather, Yes,
we don't have to do that, And then now I'm like,
em D sounds fine, Yeah, like just let it out.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
She grew up in a fart family.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Yeah, so thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
E M D. I think you reading that was the
best part of the email.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
That's a lot to think about.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Well, you could test this out, Okay, you don't have
to know what you want to be yet.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Just whoever I date, we just need to send them
these episodes from the last couple.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
I will say I was editing the video of this
the first original fart episode, and Patrick I was doing
it in our in our house and Patrick was in
our room with me. He was dying laughing at you.
He was cracking up so loud so and he was
shocked at first he was like what and then he.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Well, and then you made a social clip. Yeah yeah,
and I was like, I can't, you can't, I can't.
It's one thing for us to talk about it on
the podcast.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
It feels private. It does.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's just private, like these are in social media. Well yeah,
but I feel like social media things need just pop
up anywhere and people watch it and.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
They don't know.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
This is like these are our people, yeah, and they
know us. And if you're new here, welcome. We don't
always talk about party.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
We just had this episode out a lot, so okay,
you still don't want that clip to be aired?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I don't think so okay, I don't. I think listen.
I thought there was other farting stuff about you, but
it was about me. I said. It was just like
that you and Patrick do it. Y'all do that, so
like that's more relatable than you. The sixty second clip
(31:15):
about how I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
What was about how you don't do it? And at
the end you were like, I want that. How do
I find something like that and it's so cute.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Okay, well maybe we can make The clip.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Was about how you don't do it, so I know.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
But even talking about not doing it is embarrassing for me.
And it's not like I didn't grow up. I don't.
I wouldn't say like E M D said, a fart
farting family what she call it? Yeah, an f F.
I remember later in like my mom and her best
friend Katie, which also happens to be my sister's mother
(31:49):
in law, small world. I know they would do it
all the time and they just laugh. They think they
were so funny, but we were more like, ugh, mom, stop.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
But yeah, I do.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Think I want Now that I think about it, I
appreciate Heather's email, and I know that I'm not alone,
and I think I would like a there's any middle
ground and AMD like maybe a little bit of both,
like we don't have to do it all the time,
but yeah, and you can like like I'm not going
to be there's no way you're catching me say in
my tail, I like never, No, Like that's where em
(32:32):
D and I are not the same, Like I'm more
Heather vibes on that, but like there's I don't need
my boyfriend Nick past the vibe check with that.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
You can have boundaries. I don't do it in the bed.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah, if you have to, or maybe only out on
the walks. I only know how do I get past this.
It's almost like I need to exercise or inactivity where
I have to break this. I have to break free
from this. What I feel like? I feel self conscious,
like there's something I feel like. Watching that video, I
felt so uncomfortable and I'm like, Kat, you could never
(33:07):
post this.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
What do you not want people to think about you?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
I don't know, because I know everybody does.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It, yes, but also a lot of people. This is
the thing about that, like a lot of people. Everybody
does it, but a lot of people will be like
act like they don't or be like that's gross, when
really it is a normal thing that they do as well,
but pub in the public eye they act like, oh
my gosh, I would never do that, you know what
I mean? So I think that's am I making sense?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
I think that's part of it. Is like there is
a group of people that would be like, oh my gosh,
I cannot I mean, speaking of that, we talked about
the biting. We put that biting video up. I did
delete a mean comment.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Oh they said about me? Wait why do you delete it?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
We put that biting video up. I did delete the
mean comment. Oh they say about me?
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Wait why do you leave it?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
It was I want people to see that it's good.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Though, people will come to your defense what they say.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
He said, Well, somebody put in a funny comment that
was like tell Armie Hammer that which that was because
I was talking for people that haven't seen the video.
It's about how biting your partner is a sign of
affection and it's called cute aggression, and it's like how
like when you see a baby and you're like, oh
my gosh, you're so cute. I want to eat you.
It's like the same thing. And it was something about
(34:34):
like how I must not have got like been nurtured
correctly as a kid. And then it was like you
can tell she's been a thumbsucker her whole life.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
What does that even mean?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I don't know something about. Then I got self conscious
because you know, I have a gap in my teeth,
and I was like, think that that's from sucking my thumb,
because it's actually from not wearing my retainer.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Well, First of all, I think your little gap is
so cute, and I've told you that I know multiple times. Second,
I don't think he notices the gap in your gap
is not that noticeable. You think he was making a
gap even completely off.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
At that life point is because I'm self conscious of something.
Then I'm writing a story about that too. But I
didn't want I mean, maybe I should have kept that
up there because I didn't want people. I'm fine with
the people that are like, ha ha ha ha, that's
so funny, cute, whatever, and then you don't want the
negative feedback. But when you put something on the Internet,
most of the time you get a little bit of both. Yeah,
(35:25):
so if we put that other video of you up,
you would there would be a little bit of both.
There would be people being like, oh my gosh, oh
I would never and then you know, I didn't feel
good versus our people are more like, oh my gosh,
that's so funny, and they could if they're not going
to do it. There's like Heather, she's saying it in
a nice kind.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Someone goes does licking also count? Like I licked the
side of.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
His face and she doing that in a playful way,
or like a nice sexual way.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
And then I mean, these comments, it's been a minute
since I went to look at them. I once had
a cookie smashed into my face? Is that the same
what I used to get in trouble for biting my
best friend when I was in sixth grade? We're still
best to use twenty one years later. Nothing I love
more than to bite my husband when he gets home
(36:14):
from work. See, she's like you, yeah, Armie Hammer. He's
that's not he did bad stuff right.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Uh. The jury is out on whether or not it's
all true or not. But apparently he like made comm
I think it was that he made comments about or
text about wanting to like eat the people he was
sleeping with, like cannibalism, Yes, his cannibalism stuff. And then
he I don't know if I don't know what he
(36:46):
actually did, but it's also I don't know that with
the rolling on that ever. But regardless, I think his
reputation is ruined because people when they think of Army Hammer,
they think of cannibalism. It's tough.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, I kind of forgot about that, but now that
I pulled it up real quickly, I remember.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, if he was married at one point I feel
like just.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Some cannibal and assault allegations. I did see the other
day he was someone took a picture of him. It's
the first time he'd surfaced publicly.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
And oh really, I mean, how do you five.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Years since that's it's been five years since all that
stuff came out.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
That feels farther away. Yeah, I don't know how you
come back from a cannibalism scandal. It's gotta be.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Tough, gotta be Yeah, it's not cute.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
No, that's not cute. Aggression, that's aggression.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
Yeah, or something. Would you be able to eat me
if we were in a plane crash?
Speaker 1 (37:45):
Are you thinking of what I'm thinking about? What did
you watch that show?
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Oh, Yellow Jackets? Yeah? Well I read Miracle and Nandies,
which that actually is true story that happened where they
had to do that and they were legit people, they
knew And I think I would just be good dying.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
Well here's my thought on that.
Speaker 2 (38:06):
But eat me up if you need to, only if.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
You had died already. You're not going to kill you.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
Oh no, no, no, no, like I an avalanche comes down
and you're dead. Yeah, And I've been preserved in the
snow like.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
A little ice box. So my thought on that is,
I feel like if you're in a situation like that,
your survival brain is the only brain working. So it's
not my brain right now, who is, Like I cannot
imagine eating a human being, Like no, absolutely not. I'd
just take me out. But if you're in if I'm
in that situation, I don't know how my brain is
(38:41):
going to be working, But I do know if I
do it. If I did it, I don't think I
would ever be able to be the same after you've
had to eat you to survive. I think i'd need
some serious emdr.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Im, Like I think about those people that survived that.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
It's not just you're it's it's not even just eating
a person, it's eating one of your best friends. Like, yeah,
it's crazy, But the flip side of that is what
I want you to If I died and that was
the only way you could survive, I feel like I
would want you to do that.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, I wouldn't want you to eat me too, but
I understand it being difficult.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
So now we have that.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Now that that's clear, if you're ever in a situation
like you have my permission.
Speaker 1 (39:24):
Okay, you guys. We should every should have these conversations
with their close friends. If you're traveling, or even if
you're not traveling somewhere that there could be.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
Cat and I were going on a trip together at
the end of the month to the desert.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
You never know what could happen, so we have this
out in the air. I know that's what you would want.
I understand if you couldn't, but it would also be
my honor to save your life in that way.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
Thank you. Yeah, I don't want to talk about this now.
I'm like, I think I'd rather talk about party. Well.
Thank y'all for sending in questions and email. You can
hit us up. Hey, They're at Feeling Things podcast dot com. Yeah,
and on Instagram and TikTok We're Feeling Things podcast and
(40:09):
you can call us eight seven seven two o seven
two o seven seven. And we hope wherever you are,
you have the day you need to have. Bye. Bye,
Hosts And Creators
Bobby Bones
Amy Brown
Lunchbox
Eddie Garcia
Morgan Huelsman
Raymundo
Mike D
Abby Anderson
Scuba Steve
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