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December 20, 2024 20 mins

In the leadup to the election, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog took us behind the scenes of the presidential race with special reports on undecided voters, the VP debate spin room, and Trump’s MSG rally.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, it's me Michael Costa. The Daily Show is on
break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put
together some special highlights for you. Well back in the
new year on January seventh, with all new episodes.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
All right, welcome to our focused group of undecided voters.
Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I
want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this
two way mirror, no matter what you hear.

Speaker 3 (00:34):
So as undecided, let's go.

Speaker 4 (00:35):
Around the room. Tell us your name and what your
problem is.

Speaker 5 (00:42):
We've never had worse choices. In my opinion, I.

Speaker 6 (00:44):
Don't like either candidates, same as other people said, I'm
not really crazy about either candidates.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Okay, I see some of you feel you need more
information about the candidates, and I get it.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
We know so little about.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
Trump and Biden apart from their campaign issues, their actions
as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments,
whom they've showered with at a very detailed description of
Trump's penis.

Speaker 4 (01:10):
From a former porn star.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
But we still don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:14):
Okay, if you're leaning towards Biden, please raise your hand.
If you're leaning towards Biden. If you're leaning toward Trump,
raise your hand. Okay, raise it at the forty five
degree angle. Please, little straighter, don't pend the elbow.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
That's good.

Speaker 4 (01:37):
It's a Hitler joke, you see, because you support a fascist.

Speaker 3 (01:45):
We're having fun. Okay, raise your hand.

Speaker 4 (01:49):
If you feel like voters are easily manipulated. Who doesn't
think so? Okay? Now lower your hand.

Speaker 3 (02:01):
Okay, Now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again.
Raise them up one more time.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
Raise both hands. Now lower one Now, everyone say I
cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with?
Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with.

Speaker 5 (02:27):
Trump?

Speaker 2 (02:28):
Which candidate would you let each sugar cubes out of
your hand?

Speaker 3 (02:35):
Why?

Speaker 2 (02:35):
More gummy, less likely to bite you? Which candidate would
you want to be behind in a human centipede? And
keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will
all think you're disgusting.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
Okay, this is tough, guys.

Speaker 2 (02:55):
I mean I sense you find yourselves undecided about a
lot of things.

Speaker 3 (02:59):
My problem is sure which one's going to die first? Thomas?

Speaker 2 (03:02):
I just have to ask, why are you struggling with
this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave
the barber shop with those sidebolts. Seriously, It's like my
mom always used to say, shit or get off the lawn.
It's your civic duty.

Speaker 4 (03:17):
Would you agree with that?

Speaker 3 (03:18):
Yes? I agree with what is your gut telling you?

Speaker 2 (03:21):
I mean, other than seatbelts do not come in my size.

Speaker 5 (03:25):
I can't trust Biden or Trump?

Speaker 3 (03:27):
Okay, I bet you.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
I like RFK RFK Junior interesting also known as the
evidence that the kendidates.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
For each other.

Speaker 2 (03:36):
Okay, maybe this will help you, guys, decide between the candidates.
Here are two sandwiches, all right, One is old and
moldy and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if
you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed, or raise your
left hand if you want the sandwich that we have

(03:58):
on tape using the N word.

Speaker 3 (04:00):
Okay, they're having their first debate. Do you hope the.

Speaker 2 (04:03):
Moderators will ask Trump and Bind the really tough questions
like do you know where you are? And can you
breathe on this mirror?

Speaker 3 (04:12):
They're probably gonna call out each other on stuff.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
Both sides are constantly saying this is the end of democracy.
Both sides agree, So maybe instead of worrying about all
this voting stuff. We should just decide on an escape plan.
Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas?

Speaker 3 (04:30):
You look like you already live underground? Will the other
more people mind if we crash? It was time to
switch tactics.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
Perhaps if they practiced making any kind of decision, it
would prepare them for November. You've all been given cheesecake
factory menus to share. Now take a look at them
and make a choice. You can do this calm a.

Speaker 5 (04:52):
Lot of answers, hunches. I know what I usually get.
Ask if I calmer, American Chief, I usually get on chickens.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
All right, you know what? Forget it? Forget it. I
knew that wouldn't work at this stage. There was only
one option left.

Speaker 4 (05:17):
Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I'm
just gonna tell you who you're voting for.

Speaker 3 (05:22):
Daryl, you're going to.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Miss election day because there weren't any reminders on porn hub. Pauline,
you want a safer, brighter future for your children, so
you're gonna move to Ukraine. Thomas, I think you should
just stay home. This is a big, one, very important election.
We need you to sit it out and mark whatever

(05:46):
you decide. I recommend you listen to your heart, or
at least let a medical professional listen to you.

Speaker 3 (05:52):
Thank you all for being here. We've learned a lot.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
We'll see you in four years when you can't decide
between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome to the
twenty twenty four vice presidential debate, the debate between one
man who thinks Trump is a mentally.

Speaker 4 (06:15):
Ill fascist psychopath and Tim Wattz. It's a great battle
between Jdvans and what he'd looked like after four years
as Trump's vice president. Tonight marks the third debate of
this election that Joe Biden will sleep through. And as
you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room.

Speaker 3 (06:34):
Is electric.

Speaker 4 (06:37):
Yet everyone the debate is just about to start. And
here in the spin room there's a palpable dead silence
that one can only compare to the sound Millennia makes
when Donald Trump is inside her.

Speaker 1 (06:50):
So there's an application called the CVP one app where
you can go on as an illegal.

Speaker 4 (06:54):
Miss why the candidates have been quite civil and respectful
to each other?

Speaker 3 (06:59):
Yes more all, Hey you doing? What do you think?

Speaker 5 (07:06):
So hard?

Speaker 3 (07:07):
It's very substantive substance. I know, so I want to
turn to the show about the Menendez broom. Those guys
have much more chemist too.

Speaker 7 (07:14):
For all of us here at CBS News, thank you,
and good night.

Speaker 3 (07:21):
A lot of people are reacting to the debate. Rachel
Maddow said it was a slam dunk for.

Speaker 4 (07:26):
The Democrats, but Mark Robinson said the video was so
boring he couldn't even finish.

Speaker 3 (07:33):
I'm here with Illinois Governor JB. Pritzker.

Speaker 4 (07:36):
Everyone loves Tim Walls, right, He's so cute with his
round face.

Speaker 3 (07:41):
He's like a cabbage patch of dough. On the one hand,
a guy who's got real heart.

Speaker 8 (07:45):
On the other side, you've got a guy who's, frankly,
we're concerned might be eating.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
A dog chark, And so I'm worried about you.

Speaker 4 (07:52):
You think you know what I was concerned about you.
I have to be honest for a.

Speaker 3 (07:58):
Second night, he looked I was a chocolate declaire. I
swear to what I says. Tampon, Tim did?

Speaker 5 (08:05):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (08:05):
I remember he did in the boys room in the bathroom.
Why did he do? Here's what really doesn't make no sense.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
If he's okay with putting tampons in a bathroom, what's
his big problem? With installing a couple of douchebags in
the White House problems is legendary Seneca and former astronaut
Mark Kelly as a former astronaut, do you have any
plans to reveal the name of JD Vance's whole planet?

Speaker 1 (08:30):
You know that stuff's classified if he just doesn't try
to get caught up in how big the moment?

Speaker 3 (08:37):
It's a big moment. Something's funny over here. I smelled
pills and cocaine. There we go and waiting to talk
to him.

Speaker 4 (08:48):
Great Senator Katie Britt, whose post State of the Union
speech last January is now considered a Halloween holiday classic.

Speaker 3 (08:58):
Don how do you feel about JD Vance?

Speaker 4 (09:01):
Is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you?

Speaker 3 (09:05):
I guess none of these Republican spin bitches are going
to talk to a.

Speaker 4 (09:09):
Liberal Daily Show dog, But I do know who they
would talk to.

Speaker 3 (09:16):
Get all around the Holkster's here? Who wants some spins
from the Holkster?

Speaker 8 (09:21):
What you're gonna do when JD's mascara one's wild brother?

Speaker 3 (09:26):
What you're gonna do when I ask for a lift home?

Speaker 5 (09:30):
Brother?

Speaker 3 (09:32):
How about some bus fair?

Speaker 5 (09:33):
Brother?

Speaker 3 (09:34):
The Holster needs bus fair?

Speaker 8 (09:37):
Who's that behind me. Is that a Democrat? Oh yeah,
Jasmine Crockett.

Speaker 3 (09:44):
She's going down and protect them and they don't brother.
You're lucky. I don't throw a punch at you right now.
That missus your don't have a The Holkster's here to
spin the debate for you. I've met Halkokan. You're not
haulcoman to me, Jake Tapper.

Speaker 8 (10:02):
I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let
that Kamala take over you. People gotta understand. I know
Kamala back when she was Kamala the you gunned and giant.

Speaker 3 (10:17):
Triumph triumph going off. I'm not tryumph. I'm Van Jolin
tier Oh van jols hi Van, I'm here to spend
Oh it was Jacob. What result name? You're weeping?

Speaker 4 (10:31):
What with two men coming together with the inside their differences.

Speaker 3 (10:39):
And focusing on the issues. I can't, I can't hold
it together. It was Jake. That's not that is not
how he cries. Who's got question from me? Mom days?

(11:00):
Little memo?

Speaker 5 (11:01):
That's me?

Speaker 3 (11:02):
I for the mema. Djdvents. Oh, hi Jake, it's my
ma mem me mo, but it's spelled my mo.

Speaker 4 (11:13):
Sorry, did you make these You Jewish people don't know
how it's spelled.

Speaker 3 (11:16):
It's okay, I don't you what makes you think of
h things? Aren't that bad? Jake?

Speaker 8 (11:24):
You don't have to deny it, my boy, My little
JD is the American dream.

Speaker 4 (11:31):
He started out in rural Ohio, and now all the
people he grew up with can turn on the TV
and say, there's.

Speaker 2 (11:39):
The old town boy who's gonna cut off my medicaid.

Speaker 6 (11:45):
Oments there that I think Waltz sort of let slide
and allowed dance to triumph.

Speaker 5 (11:50):
You can come over here, Triumph.

Speaker 3 (11:50):
You want to come, We're live on CNN.

Speaker 4 (11:52):
My boy, this is a triumph.

Speaker 3 (11:56):
This is triumphy insult comic. So I don't know that
you're Mike. I might and you're stuck with me. We're
not gonna make fun of you Advance's grandmother, But.

Speaker 1 (12:04):
Thank you the Holster.

Speaker 3 (12:05):
How about the Holster?

Speaker 4 (12:06):
And they say's triumph signing off from the greatest vice
presidential debate in history for.

Speaker 3 (12:14):
Me, pop pupa.

Speaker 4 (12:20):
We're here outside Madison Square Garden witnessing a caravan of
migrants invading Manhattan. I didn't think it was possible to
have more white people here than a Rangers game. The
last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in
the palm of his hand, he was doing it to
impress Jeffrey Epstein buff rollings.

Speaker 3 (12:40):
To the right. Folks.

Speaker 4 (12:41):
Come on, okay, whoop, sorry, wait wait wait, let me
just stand right here.

Speaker 3 (12:47):
Okay, you're good, You're good. Fuck yet you're last night?

Speaker 7 (12:51):
You look at you, my good Look at this get up?
Holy crap, I almost wore that, you know, thankfully, my
meds kick.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
Where are you two from?

Speaker 5 (13:06):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (13:07):
Out of towners?

Speaker 4 (13:08):
So tell me, since you arrived in New York City,
how many times have you been murdered?

Speaker 3 (13:14):
So you're a big Trump fan?

Speaker 4 (13:16):
I tell you what.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
At least Trump's the legitimate nominee.

Speaker 4 (13:20):
Kamala you know, it was like a coup, right They
handed her the nomination, which she still has to get
past Trump, which for a woman is very hard to
do without pepper spray. Everyone outside is like, oh, it's
a Nazi rally right now.

Speaker 3 (13:36):
This is nothing like a Nazi rally. The Nazis were
in shape. First of all, they took care of themselves,
unlike the guy over here.

Speaker 4 (13:44):
Right. Seriously, when I look at you makes me think
the groceries aren't expensive enough. Hi kid, I did.

Speaker 3 (13:54):
It's not a Nazi rally.

Speaker 4 (13:56):
I hate when people use that term, when they call
Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis. Here's
another issue that drives me crazy.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
Inflation.

Speaker 8 (14:09):
Am I right?

Speaker 3 (14:10):
It's crazy right here right now?

Speaker 4 (14:12):
Can you believe it's costing Elon Musk one dollars per
voter to steal the election?

Speaker 3 (14:18):
But it's a disgrace.

Speaker 4 (14:20):
The Democrats are running on abortion a lot, right, that's
a big issue in this election.

Speaker 3 (14:25):
What would you say to.

Speaker 4 (14:26):
People worried about losing that right? Aside from what is
it like to have sex?

Speaker 3 (14:32):
I do not believe that they should be pouring across
our border. Foreigners are destroying American jobs. It's true.

Speaker 4 (14:38):
Did you know that just one illegal immigrant caused six
thousand people to lose their jobs?

Speaker 3 (14:43):
At Twitter? This guy Elon something. Well, that's a good point.

Speaker 4 (14:49):
That's a good point.

Speaker 3 (14:49):
What's the biggest seller today? Right here? Here's food? It
all it has? You know what though, I got some merch?
What you got? If he loses the election was stolen?
What if he wins? You say, look, the election was
not stolen.

Speaker 4 (15:05):
Okay, how about this one to commemorate the Trump rally
at Madison Square Garden. I'm with twenty thousand stupids harrows
all around.

Speaker 3 (15:14):
Wow, I think it's gonna be a big selling. This
is a human dog collar. A lot of Trump fans
can wear this if found. Return to Staten Island, guys,
we got to fix you up with some merch. I'm
selling merch, you know, yeah, especially you. Here. Here's what
I got for you, Trump condoms. There you go. Here,
here's what they look like.

Speaker 4 (15:35):
You know they have more value if you keep them
in the wrapper, which I'm sure you won't have any
problem doing. And then here you can also have these.
These are the Arnold Palmer size.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
You got a question for you? Are you going in? No,
I'm not going in.

Speaker 4 (15:49):
I wanted to speak, but they said we don't need
dogs and we have way too many puppets already.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
Do you love RFKA Junior?

Speaker 4 (15:55):
Yeah? Okay, okay, if you like our free Junior, raise
your hand as far as the polio will allow.

Speaker 3 (16:00):
RFK is a real hero, isn't he?

Speaker 4 (16:04):
I mean, because being a hero is all about sacrifice,
and that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had
to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that's two
of us who've had their balls cut off?

Speaker 3 (16:17):
How much comments? Donald Trump doesn't need notes?

Speaker 4 (16:21):
Donald Trump does not need notes to stand and wander
around the stage while alve Maria plays six times.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
You're absolutely viting. You can't put a soundtrack and laughter
on you here. Oh, I don't need one. Listen to
those people.

Speaker 5 (16:33):
Listen.

Speaker 3 (16:33):
Let me hear it, Danny Show. Trust me. The liberals
are going nuts. Yes, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 (16:41):
I don't mean to insinuate that Trump is out of
his mind.

Speaker 3 (16:45):
I'm staying at bluntly. Trump is out of his mind,
don't it. I gotta say.

Speaker 4 (16:52):
It's a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white
guys here got to admit.

Speaker 3 (16:58):
What do you think is less likely that.

Speaker 4 (17:00):
Haitians are eating cats, or that any of the guys
here have ever eaten.

Speaker 3 (17:11):
Trump? Trying together?

Speaker 8 (17:12):
Why do you think it's Trump?

Speaker 4 (17:14):
This guy in the cafe and we get the punchline,
then ship on me this mount you wait all for
low Yawka? All right, these people are out of their minds.
I'm gonna have to change into something that would command
more respect around here. Okay, and let's do this.

Speaker 3 (17:30):
How's everyone going tump Trump Trump? Here we go. Look
at my old friend. We both took a book on
Nancy Pelosi's gas, right, I don't know about I don't remember.
Come on, what a dump? What a dump we took
in there? I want a storm of Snrouser's vagina. Who's

(17:52):
with me? Folks were on the verge of something very special?
Can you feel it? You know the other side, they'll talk.

Speaker 2 (17:59):
About record loan, unemployment, recordized, that market, infrastructure.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
Blah blah blah.

Speaker 4 (18:07):
But this election is more than about issues that quote
unquote affect us.

Speaker 3 (18:13):
This election is personal, am I right?

Speaker 6 (18:19):
It's about sticking it to those elitist liberals, those elitists
who hate millionaires.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
But you know what, on November fifth, those elitists.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
They're gonna be the ones crying, and we're gonna be
the ones drinking.

Speaker 6 (18:36):
Liberal tears, liberal.

Speaker 4 (18:39):
Tears, liberal tears, everybody, liberal tears.

Speaker 3 (18:45):
I love them. Solve the liberal tears.

Speaker 6 (18:49):
I won't have medicare in two years, but every style know.

Speaker 4 (18:56):
That there's liberal teas, liberal tears, liberal tears.

Speaker 3 (19:05):
L ib are you, and liberal tears. The world's in
the shutar. But I'm fitful and bitter.

Speaker 6 (19:12):
We're all throwing muddy and levess are flooding, and just
as UPTONEUS five billionaire ZONUS TI candidate's lion, the planet
is tying, but liberals are quiet.

Speaker 3 (19:26):
So I say three cheers at the parame because my
dream is to drown in them live over old lever
hairs
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