#310 Bear Noises w/ Ben Gleib

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikky. Hello here, I am
welcome to the podcast. Is Nicki Glizer podcast coming at
you two times a week. It's the best we can do. Um,
this I have a feeling might be one of the

(00:21):
best podcasts we've ever done. I'm just gonna call it early.
I'm good feeling about it. I'm I'm astral projecting that
this will be one of the best ones. Um. I'm
in a good mood. I'm alone in my hotel room
right now in Hollywood. Still out here in Los Angeles.
I'm doing the Kelly Clarkson Show tomorrow. Check that out
on Wednesday. I believe it will air on Wednesday as well. Um.

(00:43):
And I'm joined by, of course, on your Marina who
you just heard her song. She will be on the
road with me this weekend in Kalamazoo and Juliet, Illinois.
Hey Anya ba bat Noah is also here. Hey no
uh hi beb happy be and then joining us. I'm
going to get this intro right. He is a stand

(01:04):
up comedian called by TBS one of the funniest comedians
working today. He's the host of the game show Idiot
Test on Game Show Network and streaming on Game Show Central.
He was one of the stars of Chelsea Lately, and
he's currently a lead anchor and contributor for The Young Turks.
His critically acclaimed second hour special titled Ben Glebe The
Mad King just dropped on YouTube. Kelly Carlin, daughter of

(01:27):
George Carlin, tweeted from the official George Carlin Twitter account,
I think you'll like this special by Ben Glebe. It
reminds me of elements of my dad's approach. Please welcome
Ben Glebe. I love that intro bat Well, thank you
so much. You made it up off top of your head,
so you gotta think it's from my heart. Really um
and uh no, I was so impressed that you sent

(01:49):
a whole like email of you're just so organized, and
it like intimidates. It doesn't intimidate me, I'm meant to say,
infuriates me minutes ago. So it's not like I'm super organized.
That's a good point. Okay, that really does you know?
It loses some of its luster with the fact that
you did send it, um almost late, But it's the

(02:11):
fact that you're so organized that you're so um. Like, yesterday,
I did a podcast Chelsea Alvarez's podcast, UM Celebrity Memoir
Book Club. I forget that's the name of it. Anyway,
it's on my story if you want to check it out,
but it's we cover the Harry Um Prince Harry book.
And because I don't I was about to say his
last name, and I realized I don't know what Harry
windsor is that it don't what is his last name,

(02:35):
Harry Sussex. I don't know Harry and um, well anyway,
they were like, UM, can you send us a picture
that we can use for the promo? And I was like,
I don't have one. I don't have I don't know
what picture I would I don't have press pictures. I
was going through my phone for like twenty minutes trying
to find it. I was like, do I use a
stand up picture? No, this doesn't fit it. What's a

(02:57):
picture that says I've read a look once? Like I
needed like a not like a set. There were like
sexy photos and like that's not book photo. Like I
just don't have like a press kit. I think a
k press kit a photo of you reading a book
would be very perfect. Yeah, that's good. It's like a

(03:22):
big foot photo because it's not gonna so I read
on my phone, So a picture of me looking at
my phone might suffice. I know, I've seen Nikki Glazer
photo behind some Morby Parkers, just like peering out sexily
with your bob. Maybe it was during Nicky answer Alive
days We're wear haircut, fixed my relationship or whatever was

(03:42):
happening at the time. God, I don't know why I
did that. Bleached my hair cut it real short. It
was definitely like inner struggle. Well, of course you've got
it going on, Girly. The other day you were like,
I want to chop my hair off, Yeah, because I'm
unwell inside. The other day I was feeling good, you
were relationship and you and your partner was like, look,

(04:03):
things are great if just only your hair was shorter
and Bobby, no guy has ever wanted their girlfriend to
get shorter hair in the history of heterosexual ben ever. Ever,
we trick ourselves into thinking bangs or a shaved dad
will help, or like a pixie cut will be good.
It's just what is that desire to just change things up? Ben,

(04:23):
You look like you have a different look going right now.
It's a cleaner cut. That did you just get a haircut.
I got a haircut very recently, and I got rid
of my beard that I usually grow. It's now just
getting back. Is it true that beards are a sign
of depression and or big transition in men's lives? Like

(04:44):
either what happened? We have evidence to support that. Right now, Ben,
how are you feeling today? Um? Given your recent life change,
you were engaged, now you're not. Can we say that
that was part of your total That was the biggest
part of my intro known mostly from his random n

(05:04):
engagement that happened to announce on Instagram, which is, you
know when you announced it on Instagram? I thought, because
I already knew about it, and it maybe been a
month after it had happened that you announced it, maybe
a little bit more. Is that right? Yes, you gotta
announced it. I realized. I go, maybe he didn't need
to do that, And I go, no, he does, because

(05:25):
people who know him know he was with her. If
somehow he's behaving in a certain way like a single
guy on his stories or in other posts, girls are
gonna start people are gonna start going, this fucking asshole,
what's he doing? So people roll their eyes when people
announced like, we've decided to separate, and but you you
shouldn't roll your eyes because I at first was like,

(05:46):
no one needs to know, but then I go, yes,
they do, because you suddenly are going to not have
her in pictures and people are gonna start speculating. So
you kind of just gotta get it out of the way.
What what was your like this thought process leading up
to that announcement. Yeah, I mean it was like, actually
that it's that, you know, obviously there's gonna be thousands
of videos of women throwing themselves at me now, and
I needed cover for that, for people to think I'm realized,

(06:09):
I'm not a dirt bag that was letting that happen
just because my fiance cut her hair short or something,
you know, So I had to announce that. Plus, yeah,
I just I also don't like to try to be honest.
I can about my life and I don't even I
didn't really want to like to archive the engagement posts
that we had had a few months earlier. It's an

(06:30):
important part of my life that, you know, you can't
change your past. I didn't want to like hide it. Plus,
you know, so I wanted to instead just update people
and they can go and see the whole, the whole,
the whole messed up story. You know, it's really brave.
I asked a question about that because I have a
weird um thing that I would love to get rid of.

(06:51):
It's a like I'm afraid of, like people pitying me
or I hate it. I don't know if I'm afraid
of it. I don't like pity, condescension. I don't like
comments on Instagram like the chin up Girl or like
anything resembling pity. I hate it. So I would be
afraid if I was in that position that i'd get

(07:11):
comments like pitying or do you do you have that
at all? Or what were that some of the most
uncomfortable comments or feedback you've gotten, either online or off,
or do you not have any? No? I definitely got
the full range of comments. I just don't really care.
I mean, I get so much hate, you know, typically,
and you get so much like disgusting things and videos

(07:34):
I do. In the young Turks, I'll get death threats,
and I'll get people, you know, saying the worst things
in the world to me. So I didn't mind a
little bit of pity because it has actually made me
feel like there's some good people out there, some people
being like stick with it fine, like oh wow, there's
someone that doesn't want me to die or think I'm
an asshole. So I thought that was fine and not
that I was looking for pity, but I didn't mind
kind comments coming from people. Maybe it's different from men,

(07:56):
Like I feel like men are fine with pity, but
if a woman's like ditched or or they assume that
she's been rejected, it's like a real I don't know,
it's definitely have that same thing. I kind of like
pity as well. I like when someone feels like sorry
for me, because I you know, I think I struggle

(08:17):
with feeling sorry for myself and I never like let
that in or if I do, I feel too indulgent
and go, look at your life. You shouldn't feel so
to have someone else kind of go, no, this is
this sucks. I would hate to be where where you are.
It doesn't bother me that much. I wonder what that
is in you that doesn't like peoples like you don't

(08:38):
know anything about what's going on with me, Like people
project so much onto me, and then I don't like
other people reading that. And obviously It's like, who cares
what other people think of you or what other people
think of what other people think of you, None of
it really matters, but it does matter, probably to my
ego that you know, Like if somebody were to write, oh,
that sucks some loser like you know, cheated on and

(09:01):
let's say they don't know the story of why I
broke up with someone, I would hate that. I would
want to be like, correction, this is actually what happened.
Don't project your weird ideas onto me or I don't know.
I just don't like people knowing too much about my
life or project What if they just wrote something I'm
so sorry that you're going through that, like something more vague,

(09:22):
I mean, just getting specific, like that fucking bitch cheated
on you. I don't know you, poor thing, No one
will ever love you again. People write stuff like that.
People write stuff like that. Yeah, I got some on
both sides. People said I did, people said she did right.
People like to well obviously projection, people wanting um things

(09:43):
that have happened in their own relationships to happen in
others so they don't feel so alone. But like, was
there a part of you that was waiting to post
that because you thought maybe it'll turn around. And then
was that kind of like the final nail in the
coffin for you of like, Okay, I'm really letting this
one go, Like I'm burying this by anouncing it. Yeah,
I mean to speak a thousand percent honestly, That's why

(10:05):
I waited a month. You're right. But then also part
of me and posting it thought that maybe posting it
would make would be like the last chance you would
see that and then be like what have I done?
And like running in the rain to my door and
and say I've made a terrible mistake it God, is there?
Is it getting easier, um like emotionally or is it

(10:28):
still coming in like waves of just like sat like
is it do you feel it letting up a little bit?
It is? It is getting easier, um But it still
does come in waves that said, you know, like I
just messaged you after like a month of silence like
a I don't know a week ago and said like
I'm still a mess. I don't know what's happening. And
every time I put like when I go out, you know,

(10:50):
I'm I'm trying to date again. And when I go
on dates um have a great time, or from focused
on work or from specifically watching something on TV or
what ever. I'm fine, but still like pretty much most
of the time, whenever I have a moment to think,
I get a little messed up by it. You know,
it's it's just it's just still so weird. It's still

(11:12):
so like shocking and just like stunning that somebody I
thought I was going to spend my life with I
don't talk to anymore and can't really talk to And
that's very weird. Is that everything to nothing and there's
between like we'll just hang out and because it doesn't

(11:34):
And that's what that's the really risk that you take
in starting a relationship with anyone is like there's a
really good chance we're gonna hate each other at the
end of this. I mean really good chance. I mean,
how often no one ever thinks that. You never talk
about that up top, You never think that you think
for sure you're gonna stay together forever or it'll just
be perfect ending and happy, and like, I just don't

(11:55):
get that. Like one of the last text I center
was like I think Gwyneth Paltrow's conscious uncoupling phrase is
pretty lame, but I think the idea is right on.
It's like, why do you have to make it hard?
We can just make it easy on ourselves. We can
be friends. We can And then I got a solid
no response to that. So and I'm pretty sure I'm
blocked now in tech because it turned green instead of

(12:18):
or she got an Android and that she's really changed.
She would much rather block me than ever have an Android.
So the other day, how android's like you just see
green text pop up and you just kind of go,
there's a judgment that you can't help and it's based

(12:39):
on capitalism and consumerism and just the most shallow thing.
But I can't help it. It doesn't matter that I know.
It doesn't that I know Matt Anya's fiance has an Android,
and I know he's a great guy and he's not
a bad person or like less person, but he has
bubbles Like it's just any They shouldn't be allowing any

(13:03):
group text. They mess up group texts, yeah, they do.
It is very kid though, that Apple has made people
care because it's so to be like, oh my god,
you don't have an iPhone, you're lame. That is the
most care I know. But like we do it for
cars and apart like apartments parts of town people live in.

(13:26):
I mean, it's not like that absurd that we've you know,
I don't think if you had a fiance you would
be as that has a green phone, that you would
be as great about this. Uh you know has a
green phone and that also infuriates green green bubbles. It's
a little ridiculous, like like I understand, we don't want

(13:46):
to be boogie about it, but at the same time,
it's it's like gathering with your close friends about to
be on a road trip and your buddy with the
roll down manual, roll down windows. It's like I'll drive,
No you're not. You're not driving. Appreciate that's how you
get around, but don't involve me in this. And it doesn't.
I don't know that it slows down any communication, but
it does kind of because they have to be like

(14:06):
in a building that has good white or like WiFi
signal to like they have to get I don't know,
I don't rely on bars a lot of times, like
for my WiFi signal or like for to text. You
have to you can't reply directly to a text from
you if you want to laugh at something they said,
or like herded it's like Nikki hearted and then it

(14:28):
like quotes it it's awful. It's Nikki finds that to
be very amusing. That's not the same as it's not
the same as an exclamation mark, like Nikki responded shocked
at like it's like, no, that's too much. The reason
we have those little dots is so that there's not
an extra text that comes down that it is inherently

(14:50):
the problem with the green texts that you can't do
those easy little replies. Um, I also feel like, um,
have you ever had like Sirie tell you what someone's
a mode gis? Like responded with heart uh, like with
red cheeks and hearts coming over like a smiley face
with hearts coming out of its eyes. So you're like

(15:10):
it describes it. You're just like God, are used to
do this thing with my friend where we figured out
a way that Syria would read like you would say
like call Dina, like I have a friend Dina, and
then we have put all these emojis after and Syria
would read them out, but it would be like called
Dina angel baby face, medium skin tone. I would say

(15:31):
the whole thing like little angel baby medium skin tone
egg bland, star water, squart, and your friends happened to
be yellow? Why are you discriminatory? Oh my god. Have
you ever dealt with someone who is a white person
that sends darker color like skin color emo, like with
more melanin. That is so weird to me. And it's

(15:55):
usually a friend that's not being ironic like I'm sending
a black person. I'm clearly they like think or they're
or no, they're usually not woke. They're being like they're
they're almost like anti woke, and so they're making fun
of it. That's what I meant to say. It's so
I kind of go, this is worse than if you
had an Android phone, Like get out of here with that.
I'll sometimes get a black fist from a white Yeah

(16:19):
it's a black fist EMOJIU like this, Yeah he thinks
he's black. He thinks he's black and woke. Oh god,
what so, Ben? What are some changes that you've done?
Like what what? What are some the coping mechanisms you've
gone through the breakup with, Like if you change your hair?
Have you what if you started going out like throwing
yourself into things late nights, like partying a little bit more.

(16:42):
I've noticed, I mean, like all of these things, uh
as your drug use increasing, Like what people always write
to me and they go, do you have anything about breakups?
Like I always send them like you know podcast I've
listened to when I go through breakups. I kind of
want to talk about breakups in this if you don't
mind to, like so people can commenceerate because literally everyone,

(17:02):
it's the most you know, relatable thing we've all been
through and you're in it. I am so. I mean,
I've done a lot. I'm definitely drinking more. That's been
challenging on my training to lose weight. But I've started
with a personal trainer, so I'm working out three times
a week. That's kind of good trying to drinking with
your personal I started getting drunk with a personal trainer,

(17:23):
eating fatty foods and not moving. You know, we are
working out and you watch him train other people where
you sit in the corner. Okay, three times a week,
that's pretty good. I mean that keeps you going. You
could really only see him once and then just repeat
what he told taught you. But no one does that
yell at us. It's a female, by the way, but

(17:43):
her assumed, don't even come on. Of course it's a woman.
He's got to bounce back. I gotta bounce back. Look,
not that I have any ill will whatsoever towards my ex.
You know, I'm not even looking at her social media,
and there's nothing to doing. Has something to do with
the fact that I'm blocked. And but like from what

(18:04):
I hear in the grape vine, I wish you the best.
Here she's doing a lot of black face. Now I
hear she's, you know, doing a lot of anti Semitic stuff,
and she's Jewish, so I don't even understand that. But
I wish her the best. Here she's doing great. No, no,
that is true. No, but I'm but I'm doing I'm
doing that. I was earlier on I was writing some
poetry that was just kind of like pouring out of me.

(18:25):
Oh my god, yes, you shared some of it with me.
It was so sweet, and Ben made me read it.
I'd be like, oh, that was great, and then he goes,
it's not done. There's yeah. I'm like, I'm like, the
only eighteen more poems in front of my heart. But
I was staying at and he's like, just wait, just
there's I think there's a little bit more, and I'm

(18:46):
like you, I feel like I've been back at school
again and you're like finished the entire thing. But it
was really good and it was so sweet and like
emotional and like such a good way I feel like
to process your feelings. And we also were listening to
um We're just like singing in the car on the
way when you gave me that ride to Santa Monica,

(19:07):
and I heard the song the other night. Actually, you
probably think that you will bet him now, Bet hm
now and Bet and I were like screaming and it
felt so cathartic. Have you been doing any singing karaoke?
Like has that helped you? Because you have a whole
set about your place. I do have a karaoke studio.
I've been doing a lot of solo karaoke. I will
broadcast it on Instagram live sometimes to eighteen people. So

(19:30):
the career is going well. I have relate to that.
I've done the same thing, yes, and I've been doing
a lot of that. That Better Now a song by
post Malone was killing me. I've finally stopped listening to
my breakup playlist like two weeks ago because it's been
like two and a half three months since the breakup.
But I have to say also, just like leaning on
my friends, I've had friends checking out on me and Nick.

(19:51):
Just so your listeners can hear this, you might want
me to say it, but you've been so lovely and
kind to me during this breakup and like you really
helped make it a lot easier on me. You've been
in a falling off recently, but like I get text
from you and like, because you have a your nocturnal
and so I'll get text from you or d M
usually in the middle of the night, and um, and

(20:12):
I could tell you're going through a hard time or
you're like and then I check in on you on
Instagram and I see always having a fun time, always
kind of like he's getting out about town, he's dating.
Like I can tell you're like trying to fill the void.
But I know that it's tough, and I know that
you have a waste to go because it's you know,
you were engaged, you were in how long were you
guys together? Years and years, four and a half years.
You have basically half a decade of life, you know,

(20:34):
I know, and in an important decade of like like
one like almost dare say our prime and you just
go do you feel it was wasted? Do you do
you look back? But as somebody was freezing their eggs,
I'm really like very cognizant of what what time is
wasted and like, oh this is the this is the

(20:55):
prime ship. Um, do you do you feel like that
was wasted? Or do you look back like like I'm
glad that I had that or what are I'm sure
you go through the range of feelings on this. Yeah,
I do. I mean a little bit of both. I
tried not to ever regret things in my life, and
I I don't feel it was wasted in the fact that, like,

(21:15):
you know, I finally lived with somebody, I finally dated
somebody more than a year and a half and I
know that I can do that and made great memories
and the pandemic was a lot of it, and so
I could have been alone during that and said I
was with this lovely human that I you know, I
was getting closer to and that was good. But when
I'm on the dating apps now and like most people
that are matching with are like she's fifty seven, she's

(21:36):
fifty four, she's forty nine, and no offense, but but
also I do want to know who is interested no
matter what the range is, because you once had a
vibe with Susan Sarandon's and that you didn't capitalize on.
So there's there's and Portman, he has had chances with
all these women. He's blown it. We'll talk about that

(21:57):
more when we get back right after this with and Leave,
but we're back with Ben Gleeve. You can check out
his special on YouTube. Ben Gleeb Mad King hilarious. One
of the best specials of last year. I believe, um,
Ben Um, you're going through a breakup. Have you been dating?

(22:17):
And like, here's my question is like, do girls that
you're dating I think they have a chance at a
relationship with you? Do they have a chance of relationship
with you? I think I've dated so many guys that
are getting out of things and I'm like, oh, this
is like and they're super down to like be cuddly
and like treat me like a girlfriend because they're missing
their girlfriend. And then you realize that you're you're just

(22:41):
a placeholder and they have no intention of that and
they need to heal. Is that happening to you at all? Ah?
That is a tough one to answer, considering people could
listen to this, but I will say, um, yeah, I
mean I've definitely heard the comment like I don't want
to be your rebound, Like we'll be having a great
time and then you can feel somebody kind of all
of a sudden be like wait a minute, am I like,

(23:03):
you know, catching feelings when when that might not last
long term? But I don't feel any one way. I'm
by no means looking for another relationship this second. But
at the same time, I'm not somebody who's gonna who's gonna,
you know, avoid one if something unfold. Actually, I would
encourage a friend to date. You would be like, you know,
if you're the right one, he'll make an exception, he'll

(23:24):
snap out of it. I feel like you because you're
kind of ready. I mean obviously you were ready to
settle down and like find someone. Is it hard dating?
And L like, is it as hard as everyone says? Like?
What's it? Has not been hard? I mean knock on
wood and have a lot of wood in front of me.
I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I just

(23:45):
have you know, cabinets here in front of me. Um,
I uh, it has not I mean luckily, And I
really think it's like the universe like wanted me to
not be that depressed after the breakup. Like I've had
a streak of luck that has really like made me
feel very much better about the breakup. And I've been
able to spend time with some people and and like

(24:07):
realize there's a whole world out there again, and it
has made it a lot easier definitely, at least when
I'm hanging Yeah, you know, here's my question is that
And I'm always projecting because I always I never dated
a guy that I wouldn't want to be their girlfriend.
I mean, I don't even think maybe if I was
going on first dates that I met on a dating app,
I'd be like, well I don't know this guy, so

(24:28):
we'll see. But if I was like ready to bed you,
I was like ready to be your girlfriend. And so
I always asked my guy friends, like, how do you
sleep with women and them not get attached and not
end up having them hate you and want to like
and have this turn where they're like they were cool
with being casual. You thought they were maybe a haad

(24:48):
of talk, but it wasn't that clear. And then they
changed their mind on you. I mean you're I know
you're like me too and know it to a degree
as well, Like how do men go about and sleep
with women and not have to leave a string of
women hating them in their wake? Like me who got
the wrong message or human would change it in my head? Yeah,

(25:09):
I mean is that it six year old women? Yeah? No,
I'm all over the range right now. And first tip
I would give you is maybe try to frame it
in your head in a way where you're not thinking,
I'm about to bed this man, like you are a
Victorian queen? What what what are you in in in
the Renaissance? I'm about to bed to be you know discreets.

(25:33):
But yes, I mean every single time that you go
on a date with someone, the stakes are high. I
mean the stakes are we're at least gonna like like
fucking isnt is generally the goal? Like if this goes great,
we're gonna want to funk each other, and then in
our head it's we're going to marry this guy. I mean,
there's it's undeniable that that is on the table, and

(25:54):
that you can't keep that even in your subconc from
otherwise you wouldn't do it what. No girls are going
on dates just to like, even if they say I'm
just dating, I don't really want a boyfriend, I don't
really believe them. I think that everyone's kind of looking
out for the one, and I think that's a lot
of pressure. And and then if there's good chemistry, you
certainly are going to start daydreaming about them being the one.

(26:17):
Maybe I maybe I'm crazy, but I always did. No.
I think probably that's that's true if it like starts
maybe on like a normal date, if it's like properly
going out, but you know, some of some of some
of the opportunities that I've stumbled into, like I'll meet
somebody at an event or something, or we're around drinking
and like so then it's like, all right, well, it's
not too weird to like, you know, go home with

(26:39):
somebody if you've already both been drinking and it's clearly
wasn't set up to be this romantic thing if you
weren't drinking that you have had as many hook ups
as you've had. I mean, like, how much does drinking
play a role in hooking up? I would absolutely not
have and alcohol is a big part. I mean I
was talking to a friend of about this who's doing
who's been sober for a few months. He's like, it's
been very hard to date. I wish that wasn't the case,

(27:00):
but like when both parties are a little buzzed, I
think that maybe is kind of the answer to what
you're saying, is like if girls a little buzz too,
she's thinking more sexually than maybe normally, and she's not
thinking all about romance and betting Prince Charming and Victorian
Castle as much she is. But you're going to get
that later on when she's sober. And that is that

(27:21):
I mean, like, do you feel like any of these
girls have like kind of followed up or are they
the type of girls that like are used to this
kind of thing and like they know the drill and
then you don't hear from them again, Like do they
know or do you have you left? Girl? Have you
had to have those conversations of like, I'm not only
looking for something right now, I've had so many of
those directed at me that it's just I can't imagine

(27:43):
women get to go out and about and like not
get hurt by hooking up. I just can't believe it. Well, firstly,
you know, I try to be as kind as I can,
so I'll keep giving it to him. You know, I'm
not trying to cut anybody out. I'm trying to give
a feelings and you're keep I'll keep sleeping with him.
I don't. I don't need to. I don't need to. Yeah,

(28:06):
I'm not trying to. You know, have have one office
too much necessarily. If somebody wants some repeat business, I'm
happy to offer a public service. You know, because you
you have sex, you have sex repeatedly with someone and
you start to have this intimacy and they start thinking
about you, and you know, in those quiet times and
they start fantasizing, and then there's little You've have been

(28:28):
through it before for sure, where the girl just says
something like just throws out a little dangles a line
of like oh if we were dating, or like you're
my boyfriend, or just where you go oh no, oh no. Well,
I think the key in those moments is as when
you have to be honest, is you have to say
you have to a one move is like let that
comment kind of sit for thirty seconds and like show

(28:50):
that it makes you a little bit uncomfortable, and then
say like I just want to be clear, like I'm
not at the moment looking for anything serious, not that
that's not possible, but just so you know, it's like
making me, it's making me have any Yeah, we we
we don't know. We know you're out of a relationship.

(29:12):
We know that you're not looking for anything. You told
us all of that. We think we can change you.
We think we like you might be able to not
when you would say something like that, that's like put
you put up, you know the heisman, and you like like, no,
this is the reason now director not giving consent to
us to take you on our little relationship path. You're

(29:36):
saying no, But the reason that I'm saying it, and
I think I at least try to say it with
a bit of an open door on it. I'm just
saying it so that you know that this may not
likely lead there, but it may. I'm not ever saying
just so you know there's no chance I'm gonna get
in a relationship. I'm just saying I'm not looking for that.
I mean, it's definitely been girls like banging you, but

(29:57):
it's and I'm not saying you're like at faulty. I
want to be clear, like I'm not Ben, you mislead women.
I'm just saying, how are women not getting hurt all
the time sleeping around with Ben? Glee? He's charming, he's cute.
I bet you are pretty good in bed, like you've
had experience. You're an emotional person. That's the thing, Ben,
You're an emotional person. I can see like holding a
girl's face and being like you're so beautiful baby, and

(30:19):
like being like when you're drunk, I can see you
so getting like lovey dovey, like boyfriendly. Yes, And I
mean it would be impossible for girls you have like
feelings or do women have hurt feelings around you? Have
you experienced generally pretty lucky to do it? I mean,
I think part of maybe the benefit of not being

(30:40):
like an asshole guy is is that is like I
am very complimentary, and I try to be very sweet,
and I think but I'm also just honest, and I
think they also just can tell they're not getting anything
false for me, and so I think I'm very sweet.
But but but people then know that if even if
I don't necessarily call right after, or if we don't
make plans immediately right after, it's nothing against them I'm

(31:01):
not trying to be mean. It's just I'm going through
a thing, and they understand and then we'll check in.
Because she said there could be a girl that would
break through it. It is personal and that's and I
know you're I know, it's not like I know the
circumstances and every person, but boy, does it feel that
it is. I mean, I will tell you one one
very weird experience that I just had though. So the

(31:23):
first uh person that broke the seal so to speak,
after my breakup, it was a you know, drunken night
after after a gig I did. It was like a
private Yeah, I was supposed to go to that. Uh No,
it's a different one. That was a different That was
the other night, um, which also ended. I definitely saw

(31:44):
that night. I saw your Instagram stories. I was like, oh,
this guy might be engaging in a foursome. I'm just
trying to have fun. But the point is, yeah, um,
the first person that I slept with after my breakup, um,
I you know kind of can venially for where I need,
where I was in my head because it was immediately
after the breakup, not immediately it was it was it

(32:04):
was it was weeks and weeks later. Don't want to.
I don't want my ex thinking if she hears this
that I immediately see nothing worry. Okay, I'm curious how
long that was really weeks and weeks? Okay it was.
It was weeks, and the least about of time there
could be to call it weeks, it was a couple
of weeks in dog years. The point is, um I

(32:28):
she was likely leaving for a trip the next day
for like a couple of weeks, so I didn't have
to call and and it was obviously weird. But then
you know, I started hanging out with other people after that,
and I didn't hit her up. And and one thing
I do feel bad about, she did message me. It's
very unlike me, actually, but she messed me but wanting
to hang out again, like weeks later, because I had
messaged her, I thought about her her on something and

(32:50):
I message her and she wrote back She's like, I
love to hang again. I just didn't reply to that,
and I was replied everything, but I didn't reply. I
just I got distracted and I didn't know what to say.
And I thought about it and I didn't reply, and
I almost never do that, but I was doing a
show four or five nights ago, and I did a
joke about our encounter, and the show ends and she
comes up to me, she was in the crowd. Was

(33:15):
it bad? Like it? I'll tell you the joke. Yeah,
it was not great. It was not great. Um, the
joke was, um, it was a pretty vulnerable joke to
The joke was, um, you know, I haven't had sex
with anybody other than my ex fiance in a half decade.
The climate has changed a bit. You know. It's all good,
but you need to like be a little more sensitive

(33:37):
these days. So we were having sex and I was
making what I would describe as bare noises, and I
don't need to act them out for you, but they
were kind of bare noises. In the middle, she says
to me, I just need to check in with you
right now. And so in the middle of me going
like suddenly had to go like hard to go back

(34:00):
to the right to the bar noises it. She wanted
to check back in to know that I wasn't like
just all about the sex, I think, and like I
was still a human connecting to human guys. You can
get a little carried away and like, oh, we're fucking
right now, and this is like right, I need to
just like make sure you know I'm in the room.

(34:20):
I'm not just like a whole yeah, And so I
you know, I smiled, and we finished it all good,
and I was like, she's finally going right back to
bar noise as long as she knew that there was
still a connection. And so she come up to me
after the show and I was like stunned, and I
gave her a hug and I'm like, you look great,
and then she texted me afterwards she was like, I
hope it's okay that I came to your show. I

(34:41):
just think you're hilarious and I wanted to hang and
like and uh. That was definitely a first for me
being referenced in an act like that from our encounter,
unless another girl said that to you, in which case
it's an issue you might want to work on. L
o O. I like this girl. She definitely loved being referenced.
I would love it if I was proference someone's joke

(35:04):
and that once didn't do anything wrong. You did. I
wrote a song about a guy, and this was years ago.
We had had like a very romantic weekend and I
liked him so much, and then I just never heard
from him again. And he was my friend's brother, so
I would kind of always know him because he was
my friend's brother. I wrote one song about him. I

(35:26):
never played it live except one time I played it
live like a year and a half later in a
coffee shop at a coffee shop gig and one of
my early gigs, and I remember introducing the song. It
was called Lincoln Continental, and I said something like this
is about a very cute guy liked and how it
went on a date and you know, never really heard
from him again and we had a very romantic weekend.

(35:46):
Don't know whatever happened to that asshole. Then I played
a song and then after the gig he's there and
he was like, I was going to surprise you, and
just I just wanted to say hi. I couldn't believe.
I was kind of mortified because he wasn't totally an asshole.
He just again in your head that you made him
into an asshole, when really it was probably a situation
of like he just didn't have the same feelings that

(36:06):
you had, and he thought he communicated that and he
didn't go like ghosting. I've I feel like We tossed
that around a lot, but like, how often do you
really know you write to them a question or something
and you just hear nothing like has ghosted each other?
Did you did you have sex in the back of
a Lincoln Continental? Yeah? Why was it called that? Because

(36:27):
that would maybe was the most serious. No, I don't
think that we went all the way, but we did
have fun in the continent. It was so weird that
he came and like it was that night. It was
just so bizarre, I of all of all the time. Yeah,
it's I don't know that that's happened to me, but

(36:48):
I think that um just I mean someone coming to
your she that she clearly still likes you, and she
definitely was like dazzled by the fact that you wrote
about her and it wasn't anything bad. She just was
saying that she you know, you were just saying you
didn't say anything mean about her pussy or something that
a lot of I'm sure a lot of women have
gone to Chrystal Leiah's show and been like, he might

(37:08):
talk about me, and then it's like they they catch
something that you're like, oh, that's me, or you know,
like I'm sure there have been girls that have been
devastated by things they've heard there. I mean, I've seen
guys do comedy on Conan and talk about their wives
in ways that I'm just like, this is humiliating. Um,
And I've certainly done that before too. When I'm hurt,
you know, like you write a joke about or a

(37:30):
song on you like where you're like, he didn't really
do anything wrong. I just like was hurt. We have
a mutual friend who just like the same kind of thing.
He was hugging up with a girl. He didn't have
the same kind of feelings that she did. He let
her down gently, and then she fucking hates him now,
and like just it's constantly bullying him and like getting
other people to hate him, and we're gonna giving him

(37:51):
advice about it, and I'm like, I've done this so
many times. Says nothing to do with whatever she's saying.
She's trying to get you canceled for, like whatever ship
that you've posted about or your comedy or calling you
a phony, it's because you didn't like her. That's all, okay.
So not okay, it's so not okay. I've apologized, I've

(38:12):
made amends to those people. To that person that I
did that too, but I was just so I mean,
he didn't handle it in the greatest way, and there
were definitely problems with how he did things on his side,
But the way, the venom with which I hated him
afterwards and tried to like rally other people to hate
him was purely from a place, not of anything other

(38:34):
than just feeling rejected and being so mad that I
loved this person and they didn't love me back. And
it's like, it's just it's just this young person's response
or a dumb person, like I see a lot of women,
like I have guy friends, and I see women in
their late thirties behaving this way and then into their forties,
and I go, this is something you get out of
in your twenties, I would hope. I mean, I was
probably thirty two when it's thirty four, so I guess

(38:57):
now I was pretty late to the game, presently bloomer,
like just getting hurt. That's why when I talked to
my male friends and they have casual hookups, always like,
how are you not leaving awake of just angry women
behind you? I don't think I've hardly ever, I don't
think I've ever really any Oh, yeah, I would know.

(39:17):
I mean, I just think it's with being kind and
and expressing yourself. Honestly, I don't think it's fair for
somebody to expect that every hookup or even every dating
for a few weeks is going to lead to relationship.
And I think people that are mature kind of understand that.
But if guy tells you I am not, just so
you know, this isn't anything serious. Listen, it's very crucial.

(39:40):
We all think that we can change them. And also
we start having you know, I've talked about this at nauseum,
but like you, when you have sex with a guy,
the chemical things happen that take over your logical brain
and it doesn't matter what you know to be true,
it doesn't matter what he's told you, and that logic
is out the fucking window when you let When you

(40:02):
have good sex with someone and feel like and start
to like them, it doesn't matter. You're gonna go. You're
gonna start fantasizing about a life with them and get hurt.
Every time I see young girls like even my niece Poppy,
I'm just like the world of hurt she is in for.
And even you know, boys too. Obviously, Ben, you're going
through it. Like I look at children now and instead
of being like, man, they have such great lives ahead

(40:24):
of them, Like they get to go to high Like
I used to be jealous that they get to go
to high school and they get to just like still
enjoy cartoons and they get you know, they get riled
up by like you know, they get to have candy,
like that's exciting to them, Like they don't have to
pay taxes like and now I just think, oh, they're
just gonna have they have to learn so many lessons
and it bums me out for them. Yeah, true, Yeah

(40:46):
I do that. I mean, as you do your list
until taxes, I'm like, I still do every one of
those things. Now I'm enjoying cartoons at a bag of
skill two nights ago with children. But then but then
you feel fat the next day when you're kidding the
old when I was, I think that's what I mean,
like the unbridled like candy, it's just candy, it's only
just sugar and happiness. It's not hating yourself afterwards. It's

(41:09):
not like there's no as a child. I don't know,
maybe there's our children who feel like they hate themselves.
Like I think, you know, given your circumstance, you can
have bad self esteem, but as a kid, you just
I didn't compare myself to other people. I didn't worry
about what I put in my body. I didn't think
about I didn't dread things. I mean, there was certainly

(41:29):
like all the end of summer school again like oh
this sucks, but like there wasn't this like overwhelming sense
of like I don't know, I'm just feeling it this
morning of you know what, let's put a pit in
this conversation. Let's get back to this, right we're left
off right after this. Okay, we're back. All I want
to do is sleep. I just want an escape from

(41:50):
like things to do, and like I'm I'm having trouble
like finding happiness in the in the climb, in the experience,
like I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow and I'm dreading it
because I don't know what I'm going to talk about
yet I hate all my jokes. I'm in this like
very negative phase of like I don't even want to

(42:12):
do my jokes on Kelly Clarkson because then people will
come see me on tour and be like we already
saw this. I kind of know this, and they won't
know where they hurt it, but they'll think she's just
doing old material. I also, I don't have it in
me right now to come up with new stuff. I
have to go to a fitting. I'm just feeling like
kind of dry and my spray tan sluffing off, and
I'm like, I just everything about it is bumming me out.

(42:34):
And I know I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna
have a blast, and then it's gonna be over and
I'm gonna have this glossy clip that I can put
up and be proud to be like, look what I did, America.
I'm still relevant. Put me in things and give me
more work that I can dread. It's like, what am
I doing? This is what this is? All I want
is for more people to get more work and to
be more well known or whatever it is. And yet

(42:54):
every time I get something, I dread it. What is
one thing that I try to help you with sometimes,
I mean, just try to remind you to appreciate it.
I mean, you're at the top of the world right now.
You're You're where everyone wishes they would be. In this
entertainment industry. You get to do every show, you get
to be in every single thing. You're so in demand
and and most people wish they could be experiencing what

(43:18):
you're experiencing, especially people pursuing it. And also you're just
hilariously funny and charming, So you can also just go
on and riff these things. Don't even have to burn jokes.
You can just go and riff and you're pretty damn good.
I mean, you can call her out and make fun
of things on her desk and talk about someone in
the audience or someone that you met backstage that was
worked on the crew that had a funny thing on, Like,

(43:39):
you're great at all that stuff. You're great everything you
talked about here today. Yeah, talk about my breakup and
how I'm clearly breaking hearts of people and bring that.
Talk about Ben's fun, thank you bad and he's giving
me so much material today. Yeah, I just after this,
I just what I'm gonna do as soon as we
end this podcast is I'm going to get back in bed.

(44:00):
I'm gonna close all the curtains, shut the lights off,
and I'm just gonna think about the Kelly Clarkson call
that I have to have and come up with something
that's like how, and then I'll probably fall asleep and
then wake up and be like, oh funk this the
call like that probably was gonna happen, but I just
want to go back to sleep where like, I don't know.
Last night I was in a field holding hands with

(44:20):
David Letterman and then he bit my hair and was
chewing my hair, and then he spit it on Alonzo
Bowden's coat, and that was my dream and it was awesome,
and that was a better life than he was chewing
your hair and some hair on the Great Alonzo Bowden.
Everybody spit it on Alonzo's wool coat. And we were

(44:42):
in line to be to go on Andrew Santino's talk show,
and we were all waiting in line, and then I
took his spit because I remember when he was holding
my hand, I was like, no one's gonna believe that.
David Letterman is like trying to fucking cop a field
right now and hold my hand and like, and I
was like, and then he bit my hair and I go,
no one's gonna believe this either, and then he when
he spit it on Alonzo's coat, I grabbed it because

(45:02):
I was like, I have his d n A and
my hair and then much how much hair? It didn't
bother me usually like obviously losing my hair is like
my biggest fear, but it was like I was wearing
my hair up in a ponytail, so it was just
the top scalp, and it was just like a little
a little bit like it just I don't know, it
didn't bother just like I already know what this is.
When were your last wearing your hair up? A couple

(45:25):
of days ago? I think, Oh, I guess for the
people the Critics Choice Awards, and you were surrounded by
celebrities and you were waiting in a line and they
didn't let you in on the red carpet. They made
you go downstairs. In real life, they made her, they
told her the red carpet was closed. She has to
go to a step and repeat down in the fucking basement.
So this dream is about fame, about your place in

(45:49):
the world of fame. Your worst fear is somebody taking
your hair out, but it's an icon, so he like
is being sexual with you, take your hair, spits it,
and then what you who's Alonzo Bowden to you. He's
another comedian, UM respectable, uh strapping, handsome uh been around forever,

(46:12):
one last comic standing, uh friendly guy I don't know,
like someone I respect, but who isn't like the most famous,
but who is definitely respected in comedy. I don't know.
I don't know what he is to me. He's wearing
a wool campble coat. I mean, this all checks out.
We're waiting for Andrew Santino's show, and as we were
waiting for his talk show, I was like, why can't

(46:33):
I come up with a talk show like this? Like
the whole time, I was just like, why did he
Instead of a talk show, it was like a projected
on a wall, like a desk was a it was
all a projection. And I was like, Oh, that's an
interesting idea. And now I realized I came up with it.
It was my freaking I created that TV show. I
should have I should, you know, get a credit for it. Um.

(46:56):
But yeah, I mean I think all of that is true.
I felt, as you're saying up bed of, like you're
at the top of your game, people would want to
be you. I feel that some days, and then I
think going to that and that people heard me talking
about yesterday, and it's such like first world problems, like
where where, but just feeling so small in that room,
like just feeling like, no matter what I do, I'll

(47:17):
never be as big as any of these people and
is worshiped. And it's like and not that I even
want that. And that was another thing, is like the
thing that I think I won't I don't even want
because at the same time I was having this, it
was a paradox of like I want to be more
known because no one cares about me in this room.
I'm sucking in the same room as Julia Roberts. I
mean nothing. It's like me, I could be a cater

(47:38):
waiter and it would be the same, Like I'm closer
to their level than Julia Roberts. Like and not that
there's any I'm just talking about status on a very
superficial level. Don't come at me. I'm a cater waiter.
I'm just saying it. I felt so unimportant. But at
the same time, I don't like the worship of Julia Roberts.
She's just a person that has was born with a
pretty skull and a good and good skin and is

(48:00):
able to portray strangers better than other people. It's not
really a skill that has any kind of redeemable quality
outside of the society we're leaving in now. Like Conan
often references like in another world, like in like the
turn of the century, and take any century besides the
recent one, his skill would have been worthless, like just

(48:21):
being like the court jester, like he would be the
most famous person. He would just be a guy, you know,
like the caterers more important, because you die if you
don't you don't. You die if you don't eat food.
But Dowson Abbey, he doesn't have a place. I just
that show has to be called Downtown Abbey. I hate that,
but it's I'm sure that's been well draped. Watched one

(48:43):
episode and then he died, and I go, I'm none.
But I have several issues with the whole premise of
what you just said, which is I think that I mean,
it was very cute your posts about being next to
Julia Roberts and and you sit at the table and
she was just here and touched my chair and everything.
But if you had had the confidence just to go

(49:06):
up to her say hi, I think you're awesome, she
probably would have been like, oh, my god, I love
you and everything you're doing. She probably does know who
you are, and she probably, I mean the best example
you said, you know where near these people like worshiping
you or caring about you. It's not true at all,
because I mean, look at Chelsea Handler, who I'm still
friends if. I used to be very close with when
I was on her show and we would hang out

(49:27):
all the time, and like every celebrity on Earth, idolizes
a party at her house, and like Gwen Stefani and
Sandra Bullock and Charlie's Theren and Jane Fonda are all
at the party being like, oh my god, Chelsea just
walked by. Chelsea just did this. I was at one
point talking me, Jane Fonda and Chelsea Handler in a
little triangle, and then Jane whispers something in Chelsea's ear.

(49:50):
Chelsea makes a disgusted face and walks off without replying
to her and icon of our time, of our generation
and many generations. Jane Fonda turns to me insecurely and says,
was it something I said? I never know what to
think with with with that woman, what what's going on
in her head? And I was like, thank god, it's
not just me that responds that way to Chelsea's even

(50:13):
Jane Fonda, and so everybody has that issue and just
realized that if you remind yourself, we're all the same.
Even Julia Roberts in that moment, is the same and realizes,
probably because she seems like a nice person, that she's
the same. And then I mean it did help us
off in the blow minutes later than Jane and I
did Molly together. But the point is, yeah, she's so cool.

(50:36):
It was her first time doing Molly too. It was
really fun. Oh my god, wait where did we just
got really high? And then I called next to play
Edward Norton ping pong. Next he was playing ping pong
in some dude, and then Jane Fonda is like, oh,
I have to see that. I'm like why, She's like,
I want to see you playing ping pong on Molly,
And so I'm playing ping pong with Edward Norton and
all of a sudden, halfway through the game's icon, Jane

(50:57):
Fonda Barbarella just plops down on a couch and was
watching us play pink po and then like, I lost.
I lost sixteen, and I said, let's run it back,
and he's like, why don't you find somebody more at
your skill level? And I was like, that's hurtful, and
then he said later he's like, don't worry. I studied
under a Chinese master. I lived in China. I'm like
very Edward Nord and sounding thing to say, my god,
no kidding, yeah. And then I gave some drugs. I

(51:20):
gave some molly to Matthew Brodrick, who then left before
I got to put my baggie away, and I'm like, Matthew,
you get back here, and he's like what. I'm like,
I'm putting my baggie away. You can't take the drugs
and then leave me exposed with the bag out. He's like, sorry,
I didn't know, I'm new with this or whatever. And
so I made him stay until I put it away
in my pocket. It was a wild night. It is
Ben's dream from last night. Not not only was it

(51:44):
not a dream not to rub his in nick, but
last night I fucked David Letterman. Just so you know,
I get it. I mean I understand, like, but at
the same time, I think that is so lame to
like have, Like whenever I see like celebrities bragging about
being friends with all these celebrities, I don't really think
they're real friends. I think it's all just a show,

(52:07):
and I then that depresses me. It's like I'd rather
just be with my close friends that I can actually
talk to and like we can show each other our
vaginas and like there's been like like I like someday
then I don't get attached though, Um no I bar noises. Um.

(52:27):
I just feel like I ruined myself to all your listeners,
like I'm out at least most men make baron noises.
I felt like that was actually a good description. Was
like I'm just like waking up from a hibernation. I'm
just kind of like being roused. Um. But yeah, I
just feel like I don't know, this is the dumbest
conversation for me to complain about any of this stuff,

(52:49):
but it's just it's there's just a point in my
life where I'm like the things I've pursued, that my
goals are all based on a superficial thing to me.
I feel like and like last night I was with
my friend's son Leon. He's like a little baby, and
he remembered me from like I've seen him like three
times in his life. And he's nine months old, and

(53:09):
he remembered me and was like crawling on me and
just like laying his head on me. And then he
his little hand was like gripping me, and I like
was zooming in on his hand, just like like just
like trying to like grabbing onto holding onto me. And
I was like, that is what That is cooler to
me than any celeb encounter. Like that's that's what makes

(53:31):
me up. And I hate to sound like that's really
what this is about. It's about nature and family and friends, like,
but it really is, like why am I not pursuing
babies grabbing at me more? I guess if one of
the girls I was sleeping with said that story, I
would not text again. That's the truest thing he said. Yeah,

(53:56):
I mean that's not a good sign. Um, good to
know that. I mean, I'm I'm mostly joking, but I
mean it's not something you want to hear on on
date one or two. It's like my hand being gripped
by a young baby. All right, Well, let's slow it down.
I don't want but I don't want a baby. Another
paradox is like that's what brings me the most joy,

(54:17):
Yet I don't want a baby. It's like these constant
I would text back, then I would text changes, just
hold random babies hands and then get the funk out
of there. Um, and I leave just a wake of
disappointed babies that hate me and I respected more from me. Um. Yeah,

(54:37):
I just feel like I don't know, I'm just every
time I come to l A, I struggle with this
because this town it tends to overwork me. I think
that not getting enough sleep, not getting enough just like
quality time with friends, um, and just feeling like you
have to look a certain way and like everyone hears
on ozempic and everyone's thin. Everyone is constant going to

(55:00):
some kind of rumble boxing class or like a spin class.
I don't know. I walked by this place all the time.
That's like rumble Fitness, and it's just like hot girls
going in and out with cropped sweatshirts and on sunset.
Between pink Dot and the snore poem, I didn't read them.

(55:24):
I let her do her own reading. Yeah, let me
read them, and I had to. Like it was the
stress of like, okay, I have to read this and
actually like committed to mind, but I also have to
remember to make fun of him for this later on
there at that moment. Yeah, I mean, these are like
the constant things that I have. But it's all because

(55:44):
I'm just stressed out about Kelly Clarkson, which all of
a sudden showed up of a schedule because someone dropped out,
and so it's just like a thing and I just
don't feel prepared. As long as I get prepared, I'll
be great. But um, I need more caffeine in me.
I meet need more. I just need I need something
to stap me out of this left. Maybe I need
to meditate, do some breathwork, make a gratitude list. Something

(56:05):
needs to I need to snap out of this. Also,
I think you need to remind yourself that I think
all of that business is a choice. You need to
remind yourself that, like you, you do more stuff than
most people do because you're very kind person, and you
say yes to everything, to a lot of things you
asked to do and every single podcast and like, and

(56:28):
you don't need to do any of those things. You
don't need to, Dolly. I mean, you need to Killy
Clarkson now because you said yes, But you don't need
to do any particular talk show if you took one
or five off. If you weren't in the media for
six months, that would not do anything negative to you, know,
it wouldn't six months would do nothing. I'm telling you,
it's all a choice. It's all a choice. There's definitely

(56:50):
something to be said by for doing the things, something
to be said for being a little more mysterious and
not doing all the things. So my only point with
that is that definitely you don't have to say yes
to every podcast and every single show. And if you
said to Kelly Clarkson, I'm not ready this week, I'd
love to do it in the next couple of months,
they would book you in two months and it would
be more. I mean, I struggle with that like too
available type thing, because you feel so if you're choosing

(57:13):
to do things, just remind yourself every time. It will
help you get up for it that it's a choice
and you won't dread the things as much because you
truly don't have to be doing it. Like like when
I started stand up like three years in one day,
just all of a sudden got really tired of saying
the same jokes over and over again, and I was like,
oh no, what am I gonna do and my whole
life now is going to be repeating my own thoughts

(57:35):
over and over again. And then I thought about it
for a week and I thought, I realized what a
privilege to be able to just have funny thoughts. I
thought of that I get to say, and I get
to choose to tell them, or I can choose to
tell different ones, or do I don't have to do it.
And I never got tired of it again because I
realized it's a choice. Even though we want to like
hate on it and think negatively, it actually is a

(57:57):
choice that we're making over and over again. So choose one. No.
I had a call with my my team Want to
Zoom like a couple of weeks ago, and I was like,
I want to be a regular on Kelly Clarkson. That
has to happen. Ine like, that's a goal. I love
that show. I see clips all the time. They look cool,
She's amazing. I always have fun on that show. I
always kill it on that show. And then the next

(58:17):
week they're like Kelly Clarkson booked, and I'm like, not
now like I wanted to, which is supposed to be
in a couple of years from now. Like I want
to do all these things and then they arrive and
you're like, oh, I gotta fucking do them. And I mean,
I think that's where everyone relates to that when inside,
if you tell your team I want the thing and
they can get it for you, that's a little different. No,

(58:37):
they did their due diligence. I don't even know what
that words means, but they do. They do that, and
then I feel and I want to just say with
Kelly Clarkson, I do want to do that. The podcast
I did yesterday, I did want to do it because
it was about I got to read a book and
I do a book club podcast, and I like that podcast.
I've listened to it, and so I am choosing things
that I want to do. Um. There are things though, that, yeah,

(58:58):
you do because you're just like, this is going to
spread the word about my show. Do I want to
have a call today with the Kalamazoo paper about my
shows in Kalamazoo? Funck? Now, I don't do I want
to call a radio station and Juliet, Illinois. Probably not.
That's not because I don't like those people. They're not
good entertainers. But like the other day, I had a
radio interview and final thought. I had a radio interview

(59:18):
the other day and they were like, we interviewed you
five years ago, and I just want to say you're
just as nice as you were then, and not you're
way more famous, but you're still as nice as rare.
And I was like, well that it shouldn't be rare,
but thank you for saying that, and they go, I go,
I'm sure you guys see people changed without the years
because it's a radio station that's been on forever. And
they were like, yeah, we made some people's careers and

(59:39):
then they don't even call in anymore. They were like,
Larry the cable guy used to come in, call in
three times a week and we haven't heard from it.
I go, it's not because he doesn't appreciate what you did.
He's fucking busy. He can't do three times a week anymore.
And he was on his way up. You got to
do that stuff, and so I was kind of like
this is It made me think, oh, man, if I
if I turned down this radio a station in the future,

(01:00:01):
their story will be Nikki big Time does she thinks
she's too big for it? But what the story is
is I just can't fit it all. I would love
to keep doing that show three times a week. I'm
sure Larry would too when he had time. It was
what he did. And I think that that also um
weighs on me of you know, even you know, I
can relate this to listeners who are like ship Nikki,

(01:00:21):
shut up about you know, your showbiz life. You know
you might have uh, I have this in my own life.
My boyfriend and I talked about constantly, like no one
does anything anymore, No one wants to hang out, No,
none of our friends want to hang out. People are
just like they don't think to invite us to things,
you know. And then I go, it's because they have

(01:00:41):
kids and families. They they they it's something they don't
like us less. They're just have less space in their
brain for to remember to invite us. And it's the
same thing of like just not taking it personally. And
I think that really is what I have to work
on more than anything. Is like not everything is a
personal attack. That's almost like being in that room at

(01:01:02):
the Critics Choice and just being like, you're insignificant. Even
thinking about myself in those terms, it's like who, no
one cares about you? That's my problem. But also who
cares that no one cares about you? That's also like,
it's it's self serving to even think that people should
care about me, even though I don't want that. It's
it's also the opposite because there's probably a good chance

(01:01:24):
Julia Roberts is like, I haven't had a hit in
a long time. I see that everything, and she didn't
win her categories. She's there. You don't go to the
Great Choice Awards if you're nominated unless you think I
might win. Like, if you thought you were gonna lose
or had any inside infote, you would not be there.
It's embarrassing to lose when you're in person, your face

(01:01:45):
is up there and the cameras on you, and then
they say someone else's name, and then the cameraman slowly
like pants to go to someone else. That's so embarrassing.
So yeah, she probably had those same moments too, even
though she looked like twenty five and was flawless and
radiant and um definitely the bell of the ball. Um. Yeah,
but I think you should just talk on Kelly Clarkson

(01:02:07):
about this moment where you're sitting at the table and
and then your face is soles. It's so funny this
this could be a ten minutes segment just like tell
us everything that's going on in your minds for like
your your your Candace Bushnell series, like it really is.

(01:02:28):
Oh my god, that's a good pitch. That's a really
good idea. What would it be called? Um on the sideline?
I'm a title for a million years I wanted to
do called non Entourage. Oh that's great, which like it's
the opposite of enter It's like the real story. It's
like you go home alone and like you're trying to

(01:02:49):
do the things and you don't get all the big
things and there's no vins, you know. Yes, that is
a like I should say, could still have a show. Yeah,
and you could still have the brother Johnny drama just
for some reason, it's also your brother and he appears
every episode and just goes sorry, Bro, just his only
two words you ever said on that show. Sorry Bro.

(01:03:11):
That was really good. Bevan Glee, thank you so much
for being here. Um. I love you so much. I
hope that I get to see you on this trip.
I'm leaving Thursday. I don't know that I will. I
don't even know, you know, I didn't tell you because
I just didn't have time. I knew that would you
would obviously be a person I would hang out with
if I had time. Thursdays several days away. We can
maybe squeeze it in. It is several days away a keyword. Um, Yeah,

(01:03:34):
let's squeeze it in. We'll text each other. I gotta
go to the fitting now and then get back in
bed and think about Kelly Clarkson. Watch me on that tomorrow,
see what I come up with. Um. And I love
you too, by the way, and you are the best,
and thank you. So nice to meet friend. Nice to
meet you. Nice to meet you too, And this has
been very nice. Follow him on things. He's hilarious. He

(01:03:59):
check out his Aagram um lives where he's singing karaoke
a Loane date people my fans love and Instagram Live
and I am. I go live on our account all
the time and there's like thirty people there and it's
sometimes I sometimes WoT a stick or over the number
ben so then I don't think about it. It's really
good idea because they can't. That's the one that's gonna

(01:04:20):
have a thousand viewers and I'll never know one time
I did. I went on TikTok live for the first
time and so and I started off frame and it
was like seven hundred viewers and I was so excited.
I'm like whoa. And the second I stepped on frame
and just drop it was so like people would rather

(01:04:42):
watch a blank wall. I've rarely do this, but you
post a story and I'll be like, this is an
actually good one. I wonder like if this would be
what I could do on TikTok or something, and I'll
watch I'll look at the analytics of it and it
shows how many people click forward like just went past it,
how many people exited out of your story, how many

(01:05:04):
people went back like that's what I wanted. The number
of people going like, oh I want to watch this again,
it's like two. I was like it would be like thousands.
I was like, this is entertaining people. Just go Tinks,
this girl that I followed, Tinks did an impression of
like when when when you think when you say he
watches my Instagram stories, like oh my god, he's been
watching my score stories. What it really looks like It's

(01:05:25):
just a guy going like uh and let's just clicking
it so fast on a toilet on a toilet. Yes,
it's like it's never what you think. It's so embarrassing
that someone would like be watching my face and like
clip off of it. Even if I do that to
everyone all day, I do it to both of view,
and it doesn't mean love. And another horrible metric is

(01:05:49):
the one that tells you watch time like you think
the view counts. You're getting our real views. And just
like a one minute video, it's only a fucking minute long,
and the average watch time nine seconds. You don't even
get to the first thought. Now I know why you
two are a little prone to depression. I didn't even know.
I looked at it one time, and I go, I mean,

(01:06:11):
I'm not I'm better at not reading comments than fucking anyone.
I don't look at any of that stuff. I would.
I wouldn't be here with us today if I read
that stuff. If I looked at my likes and followed
how many how many followers I lose, I literally would
have killed myself. But I'm not kidding you. I would
not be alive right now because it's so depressing. So
it's rare that I don't seek the stuff out. It

(01:06:31):
was just one time I looked, and I go, I
will never go back. It was Pandora's Box of Hell.
And and then I hear on Twitter there's a new
button that shows you or there's a new thing that
shows you how many people have senior tweet. It used
to just be like if they liked it. Now you
can see how many people saw it versus the number
of likes and how many people did not like it.
I hate that stuff too, but I just honestly use

(01:06:53):
it to make me stronger. I look at that stuff
and it makes me feel kind of bad, but I
really feel like I'm taking it on his arm or
like is it to make the rope stronger that I'm
trying sprinkler system to a sprinklers, Like what do you
rig sprinkler? Someone trying to kill themselves and just being

(01:07:14):
like jetted around, just being sent everywhere with this rope,
not being killed, but just being like a dog, like
you guys thrown around the yard. To consider what you'd
hang yourself off and you weren't if you can't even
put a hanger on, and how could you wait? Well,
I mean, like the piping, I was sure they're more specific.
This is why I'm going to bomb on kellys are good.

(01:07:34):
I'm not good off. I'm not good riffing. I'm just
gonna end it all, and by that I just mean
this podcast and I'll see what stars in the borrow.
This was one more sentence before you ended, because that's
exactly how you see it wrong, because you were so
I'm sorry if anybody's ever forcibly not let you end
your own podcast before, sorry, but that's exactly how you
see it wrong, because you just riffed so funnily. It

(01:07:55):
was the best back and forth. It was piping day
because they're gonna go. Ben Beleeve wouldn't let her end
her podcast in two thousand twenty three, and it's gonna
be like two thousand forty five when that is like
if a guy doesn't let you enter a podcast, and
then you're gonna get canceled from what's you're gonna go.
It was a different time back then. We were you

(01:08:16):
can interrupt women. I don't mean to, I don't mean
to man explain your podcast. But thank you all for
listening to the Nikki Glazer Podcast. I really appreciate you
guys being here, and we'll see you again soon. Don't
be killed, Jack fo

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