June 26, 2025 • 30 mins
Sharing a little life update with you around my mental health, my physical health, where my minds at, what I've been struggling with and how I'm constantly reminded that life can always get better!!!!!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to
(00:26):
the show. Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
New listeners, our listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here. Back for
another episode as we of course break down the psychology
of our twenties. It's a bit of a different episode today.
It's a chit chat, catch up with me kind of
episode because it's kind of been a while since I've
(00:51):
just popped myself in front of the microphone and talked
about my life, Jemma's life, what's been happening, what's been
happening behind the scenes of the Psychology of Your Twenties.
I always feel a little bit weird doing these life updates,
doing these like chatty episodes, because I feel like that's
(01:13):
not what you're really here for. Perhaps I feel like
you expect more from me sometimes, like you expect the
fully researched, fully fleshed out episodes and not delivering on that.
It's like not delivering on a promise and people are
going to be disappointed that it's just me and my
personality and no science. But trying to get over that
(01:35):
a little bit. I also just think that that's my
toxic productivity, you know. I released two episodes a week,
one of them every now and again can just be
me getting to talk about myself and my learnings and
how my beliefs in my life is changing. I'm actually
reading this book right now called The Ambition Trap. I
(01:57):
cannot remember who it's by, but it's called The Ambition Trap,
and it's completely, like fundamentally changed how I'm viewing work
and productivity, specifically how I'm viewing perfection and allowing myself
to make mistakes and not even make mistakes, but allowing
myself to have fun with my job and to have
(02:20):
fun with my life. And something I'm really aiming for
at the moment is trying to measure my life more
by how I feel what I can do for others,
whether I feel creative, whether I'm patient, whether I have
the capacity for patients and the capacity for kindness, and
how I'm taking care of myself. And this is kind
(02:42):
of an effort to do that, to just sit down
and talk rather than feel like I owe people something.
So anyways, long winded way of saying hello, welcome today,
we're going to talk about what's been going on in
my life. You may remember, maybe almost a year ago,
I would say seven months, I did another little chatty
(03:05):
episode What's been going on with Me? And it was very,
very different to what I normally talk about. It was
me essentially giving you the details behind my mental breakdown.
Let's call it what it is. It was a mental breakdown.
I was in such a dark and raw place, and
I was honestly, so deeply detached from who I am,
(03:29):
and I felt so awful and detached from the world
and from reality, and I was just a complete mess.
And I feel like I kind of released that episode.
I felt very brave doing it, and then I just
went back to my regularly scheduled programming and it didn't
(03:49):
really acknowledge it again, probably because so much happened afterwards.
You know. I announced my book probably a month or
two after I really that episode, so that I just
got so caught up in, you know, promoting person in progress.
Then I launched my new podcast, Mantra, So then I
(04:10):
got so caught up in launching Mantra because I love
it and because it's incredible, and then the book came out,
and then I had to promote the book coming out,
and from the outside, you would definitely have this perception,
or maybe not, but I think that there would be
this perception that this last year of my life has
been like amazing and incredible and I must be on
(04:33):
such a high and I'm not. Really. There's definitely elements
of it in which I'm very happy and in which
my life is getting exceedingly better. But there has been
a lot of misery, I guess, a lot of silent struggling,
like behind the scenes that you know, what we need
(04:54):
to talk about because what you see online isn't real,
what you hear on podcasts isn't always real. What you
think about someone else's life isn't real. And as much
as I love talking about our twenties and I love
talking about psychology, I think my real passion is just
talking about the vulnerable things that make us human. And
part of that is being open, just just sitting here
(05:16):
and saying, hey, like, there has been some things I've
been really that have been really hard in my life recently,
and you wouldn't have any clue. So let's talk about
it despite all of that, and I will obviously give
you updates on what I'm talking about. Life is slowly
getting really really good, and I feel like I've had
some really incredible epiphanies and mindset shifts and just like radical,
(05:39):
I've just experienced some radical acceptance about unchangeable things in life.
And when you have those kinds of radical moments and
transformative moments, like you just kind of want to scream
it from the rooftop and just say to people, like
it gets better, Like it's going to get better. I've
had a really tough year. I felt very ungrateful and
guilty for not being able to enjoy my moments as
(06:01):
much as I wish I had been able to. But
throughout it all, like there are some really incredible learnings
that I think are life changing for me. So that's
what we're going to talk about today. We're going to
talk about why sometimes it has to get worse before
it gets better, what it means to struggle, what it
means to thrive, what it means to be freaking human.
Without further ado, let's get into a little life update.
(06:27):
So behind the scenes of the podcast. At the moment,
I have been going through it, and I've been really
building like this very whole new deep belief system. I
feel like the reason I had this mental breakdown last
year was quite existential for those of you who don't know.
Like when I was growing up, I used to be
(06:49):
I used to have really deep faith. My family was
not religious, we never went to church. They were about
as atheist as it comes. But for some reason, I
always really felt called into like organized religion, and so
like for a lot of my teen years and like
definitely just my late teen years, maybe like the first
year of my twenties, like I always felt this like
(07:10):
real higher calling and this sense of like meaning in
life that was attached to religion. And then I don't
think I've ever talked about this, but I went through
something I don't want to call it traumatic, but just
like really frustrating and disturbing with the church that I
was in, involving someone I was dating, and I just
(07:31):
never went back, Like I was just like, no, I
just can't do this anymore. Like I just it just
completely like broke my belief structure. And then for a
while there was just kind of like this abyss. There
was just this whole I guess, like in my soul
where I all these big questions that faith really felled
for me, Like I didn't have answers to like what
(07:52):
are we here for? What's the meaning of love? Is
this a hostile or a loving universe?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Like?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
What does fairness mean? What does justice? Like? I didn't
really have answers for those things. And I feel like
that all kind of came to a head last year
when I was like, Oh, I really don't have answers
for these things, and that's actually really scary, and I
have to kind of figure out what I want to
believe in, and I have to figure out what I
see my place in this world is like through my
(08:20):
own means and through spirituality, through science, through philosophy, whatever
it was that was going to guide me there. And
there were some other things going on as well, and
it really pushed me to such a low place just
thinking about the absurdity of the world and what I
really learned through that. And I honestly feel like the
last month has been the first time that I've really
(08:40):
come out of it since it happened last year, Like
it's this last month I've really been having like a
moment of like, oh my God, like I'm getting things
now and like I'm happy and wow, like life is beautiful.
And I feel like I'm such an optimistic person that
I spent so much of last year and the start
of this year feeling like life was defined by misery
(09:01):
and suffering, and I've finally been able to appreciate like
the miracle of existence, and that's like something that I
really value. As such an optimistic person, I have to
see the good in the world. So I'm glad that
that is coming back to me. But what it's really
reminded me of is like it's just continually reminded me
that it's always darkest before the dawn, that sometimes true
(09:25):
growth does come from suffering, and that you can endure
so much more than you think you can. And I
remember like hearing people say that and being like what
are you talking about? Like what are you on about?
And then like the mental kind of battle that I've
been through has just proven that to me time and
time again, like how strong I am, how resilient I am.
(09:48):
I always want to talk about some other things that
have been happening I so I haven't talked about this
at all. But right before my book was launched, I
went into the optometrist random. I needed to get new glasses.
And when I was at the optometrist, they like found
something really scary on my what's it called optical nerve
(10:12):
optic nerve? Sorry? And I was in just like a
regular schedule, regularly scheduled like eye appointment, and this optometrist
like looking at these like retinal images that I had
gotten done, and it was so random that I gotten
them done. I wasn't paying attention, and the person at
the front desk was like, oh, do you want these done?
And I was like yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I
was like, oh do I really want those done? But
(10:32):
I'd already said yeah. So she was looking at these
photos and she was she basically was like, oh you
have I'm not going to say what it is, Oh
maybe I will. Like basically it was like that it's
swelling and it's all around the optic nerve, which is
a really really bad sign. And within like twenty I
(10:52):
think forty eight hours, I was like at a specialist
doing all these tests. The things they had to rule
out were really scary. They had to rule out ms,
they had to rule out a brain tumor. They had
to rule out all these really scary things that I
wasn't having a stroke within forty eight hours. Like it
was like, oh, this huge thing is happening with my vision,
(11:17):
with my brain, Like that's so scary. And I was
in like the ophthalmologist's office forty eight hours after I
found out I had this thing that I literally knew
nothing about. And I remember I like kept my cool,
and then suddenly they were dilating my pupil, which I
don't know if you've ever had this happen, but they
(11:37):
put this stuff in your eye that makes your pupil
go huge and then you can't see for like the
next four hours. And I was sitting there and I
was like and why. As they were putting it in
my eye, I was like, oh my gosh, like this
is something huge is happening to me, Like this is
really scary, and I've only just started processing it. So
They're trying to put these like drops in my eye
and I'm like crying and I'm like hysteric, and like
(12:00):
my boyfriends are being like, I know, it's so scary.
And anyways, the thing is is that I still don't
have any answers around what's going on. This was literally
I'm trying to get the timeline right, like very like
within weeks of before my book was launching, before my
book was coming out, and suddenly it was just like,
(12:24):
oh my god, what is happening? And we're still trying
to figure it out, just having to get all these
tests done, having to get all these MRIs, having to
get all these this blood work, and it's been really
really scary. And the thing is is that that was
that was life getting worse. Like I had all this
(12:45):
other stuff going on, and then it was like and bam,
health scare and you know, and bam, like life is fragile,
like just in case you needed that reminder, and it
was incredibly stressful. Like I'm laughing about it now even
though I think now that I know I don't have
like a significant brain tumor, and now that I definitely
know that I wasn't having a stroke, I can laugh
(13:07):
about it. But like it was kind of touch and
go there. And actually, like the optometrist called me after
I'd left because she'd been like, oh, just go to
the doctor eventually, and then she called me like six
times and was like, hey, like, this is actually an emergency.
So that was scary. Now I feel fine, and I
feel like that was really the low point. I also
had some people asking me like, how was my mental
(13:28):
health leading up to my book coming out? And I
so you guys might know, I tried to go off
my medication. I'm on lexipro. I tried to go off
last year and it didn't go very very well. Unfortunately,
this year I have actually taped down to ten milligrams.
And I liked, this is not medical advice. I just
(13:50):
like to talk openly about dosages and everything because just
might be helpful to you. And I feel like I
need it less and less. But it is such a
safety net for me, right, Like I was gonna say,
I know I could never get to a really low point,
but obviously I could, but that was when I wasn't
taking it. It's just a nice safety net for me.
It's just like, Okay, I know that my depression of
(14:15):
my anxiety is biological. I know that I exercise like
four to five times a week. I eat really well,
I spend a lot of time outdoors. I have loving family,
social connection, I have a purposeful career. I'm safe, I
have all my needs met, and then some I'm able
(14:36):
to give back, Like I'm doing all the things that
people say are externally protective against depression and anxiety, and
you know, I'm doing all the behavioral interventions that people
always say as helping, and they didn't work, so I
know that it's biological. And I think just having this
kind of intervention has been really really so that's kind
(15:00):
of like a medication update. But yeah, leading up to
my book coming out, I was struggling, not just because
I had that health scare thing, which was significant, but
because a lot of other big changes were happening in
my life. I had to move house the day before
my book came out as well, which was just like
two huge things happening at once. And also, something they
(15:24):
may not tell you about writing a book is that
it's quite anticlimactic.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Right, So you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Do a lot of work, it takes so many hours
and so much of you to write a book, and
then it all like comes to fruition on like one day,
and then after that, like it's so weird, like you
don't really hear from a lot of the people that
you've worked with, like you're suddenly just kind of on
your own, and you're suddenly just like, okay, I have
(15:52):
to do I'm just on my own. Like this this
book is here, and you know it's open, it's open
for public opinion, and you need people to buy it
and you don't really know how to do that, and
you also, like will face disappointments in terms of people
in your life not supporting you, and people in your
life yeah, not really showing up for you at a
big moment and not buying copies or you know, not
(16:17):
saying congratulations or like small things. I was saying to
someone the other day, like you know the the quote
that's like you know who your real friends are when
you have a baby, you also know who your real
friends are when you write a book, because I don't know.
I feel like I'm the kind of friend where people
do cool things like that. I'm like really all behind it.
(16:37):
And it was interesting seeing how big things for you
don't necessarily translate to big things for other people. So
I think if I had been in a better mental
state and hadn't had a big health scare rite before
my book came out, I would have been able to
let those things go a little bit better. But it
was a real struggle. So there was like a weird
low point high point where I was like, Wow, huge
career milestone. Also like, oh my god, what is going
(16:59):
on in life? This is when I want to talk
about how things get better. Like the theme of this
episode is things get worse before they get better. Things
could have gotten a whole lot worse to me. Let's
be completely real, Like, honestly, what I was going through
is nothing compared to what so many people around the
world are going through right now. But things got worse,
(17:19):
and then slowly these changes started in my life, and
I felt like I had been in this waiting room.
I felt like I had gone through like the dark
night of the soul as they call it. And suddenly
someone like opened the door and was like, all right, cool,
you've like done enough, Like you've sat here for long enough,
(17:42):
we can tell you can take it. Welcome to the
next chapter of your life. And I want to spend
the next part of this episode talking about what that
felt like and how grateful I am for where I
am now and what it is that I'm grateful for.
So stick around, stay with me. I want to tell
you why it always gets better. So this was the
(18:08):
first thing that transformed my life and has gotten me
out of a very dark period. I fostered a dog,
and you guys might know that that foster is no
longer my foster dog. It's now my actual dog. But
I started out fostering this dog her name is Tyloe,
(18:30):
because I saw her on the RSPCA website and I
just don't know what it was. I was like, I
need to help this dog. I need her in my life,
like I have space, I have capacity, I have time,
I have well, my house at the time did not
allow dogs, but whatever I got around that, Like I
(18:51):
just felt this calling to go and rescue her. And
we brought her home and within like two days, me
and my partner Tom were like, oh, oh, like really
really screwed up here, because this dog is the biggest sweetheart.
She is so smart, she is so kind, She just
(19:11):
so wants to be loved, and she just so wants
to be part of the pack. And we said to
each other, we have to we have to give it
three months before deciding, and if nobody has adopted her
in three months, we can consider it. That did not
last very long. We adopted her after a month, and
(19:33):
there's just something around having a dog that changes your perspective.
It makes you so much more selfless, it makes you
more patient, you see life through it through their eyes.
I feel like I'm rehashing what so many other people
have discovered, but oh my lord, it was just so
glorious getting like waking up every single morning, I wake
(19:56):
up and I have to take her outside and I
have to take her for a walk. And it's meant
that I'm outdoors more and I have to do these
things for her, even if I don't want to, even
if I'm busy, even if I'm in a bad mood.
Life has become about her. And honestly, I think that
it was the just not the distraction, but I think
it was the thing I needed to get myself out
(20:16):
of my ego. Like I feel like I was really
investing in this like idea of myself as like being
being like suffering, and I was like, oh, life is
really hard and I'm trying my best and it's not working.
And then I rescued her and her history is so terrible,
like she yeah, was really badly abused, and then was removed,
(20:38):
like was forcibly removed, like someone came in and rescued her,
and then the people who they rescued her from like
took took the RSPCA to court and wanted to get
her back and like so that meant she had to
stay in the pound for a year before she was
even allowed to go out of the pound and do
visits and stuff. And I don't know, I was just like, wow,
my life could be so much worse, and here is
(20:59):
thisautiful animal, this beautiful creature who you know has a
burn on her nose and is missing teeth and had
such a hard start, and she freaking loves life and
she is like down to play, and every moment that
she is allowed, like to roll around in the grass,
is a beautiful moment. And breakfast is the best thing
of every day. And she wakes up and gets twenty
minutes of cuddles in the bed because of course we're
(21:21):
such SOFTI as we allow her in the bed, and
it's just really transformative. And now I keep saying to
people like, if you struggle with socializing, if you struggle
with feeling optimistic about life, if you struggle to see
the joy and little things, foster a dog. If you
can't adopt a dog, foster a dog or adopt a
dog and just see how it completely changes your life. Obviously,
(21:44):
like make sure that you are in a good space.
Like I feel like we didn't rush into it. We
were really concentrated around like can we have a pet
right now? And it just happened to work out. But
the introduction of her into my life, I honestly feel
like was a gift from the universe. Then I started
seeing a new therapist, and that was also incredible, because
(22:06):
I feel like I was getting really stuck with my
old therapist. She was amazing, but I just felt like
I had reached It sounds weird, I'd reached what I
was willing to share with her. And I was so
deeply worried about being triggered actually, and about a therapist
saying something that I hadn't considered in really upsetting me.
That I wasn't revealing anything more to her. And I
(22:28):
felt like because I hadn't revealed things to her in
the past, that she would like call me out for
almost lying, like saying that I was okay when I wasn't.
So I needed to frushlate And so I went and
I started seeing a new therapist. An existential therapist who
has just been freaking amazing and has really just revealed
to me how so much of what I struggle with
is just a fear of the unknown, and so much
(22:49):
of what I struggle with is just just my brain
working differently. And I also have started running. I just
I'm just going to leave that there. I felt like
my life was becoming very much an obsession with work
and an obsession with how much more I could do.
(23:10):
You know, I was doing I'm still doing the Psychology
of your Twenties. I was also doing Mantra, my other
podcast where there were more spiritual discussions going on, and
I love them both so much, but it is a
lot to put your brain into, Like it is a
lot of mental energy to create two things that you
really love and promote a book and do all these
other activities as well. And I needed something else. And
(23:33):
so my friend Sarah, I was at the park one
day and she was running and I ran into her
and she was like, do you just want to run
with me for a little bit, And I was like, yeah, okay,
I'll do that. Ever since then, I've got the bug.
I've got the freakin' bug, and I've been posting about
it on my personal Instagram a lot, and you guys
have been like, what the heck, how come you are
suddenly running fifteen kilometers when you used to say you
(23:55):
hated running. It's because I've been going slow, going super slow.
I started like, I started at a pace that was
probably like a walk or a jog, and now I
feel like I'm actually running, and I feel like through
running as well, I've also been really testing my limits.
I've been testing my ability to persevere and to endure,
(24:19):
and I've showed myself how strong I am. And I've
taught myself patience, and I've taught myself like consistency. There's
just all these discoveries that I'm having around the meaning
of life that I'm figuring out through such simple acts,
through moving my body in a way that so many
other people have done for centuries, through sharing a bond
(24:40):
with an animal, through connecting with people, through having new discussions,
and I just finally feel like I'm out of this
really dark cloud. Also, it's just been so wonderful to
see how many of you have been reading my book
and how many of you are lading and resonating with it.
(25:02):
I think it's been a while since I've really appreciated
that I'm doing meaningful work. I think that I can
be a little bit too self deprecating. Tell me if
you're the same where I'm like, if I acknowledge that
I'm good at what I do, or that I care
about what I do, or that maybe I have something
to say, people are going to immediately cut me down
(25:24):
for that, or that's entitlement or it will be taken
away from me. The moment that you feel, I guess,
not grateful, but the moment that you take something for granted,
or that you assume that you're good at something, or
you assume that something is safe, it will be up
in the air. And I just have been reminded that
(25:45):
that's not the case, that there are people who really
want you to succeed, and that it's okay to just say, like,
I'm good at this thing, and I care about this,
and I put a lot of work into it, and
I'm proud of it. That's not bragging. That's not even
a humble brag. That's just talking about the thing that
you care about. I think all of this is just
to say that I'm learning so much and I'm constantly
(26:08):
being reminded that there is a lot of darkness in
the world and life is really painful sometimes, but you
will come out on the other side and that you
have handled it all. I'm grateful for the fact that
this last year hasn't been amazing internally, because every single
(26:28):
day now that I wake up and I feel good,
it's this weird thing of like, oh my gosh, like wow,
what a great day, What a great day. I've been
having just like incredible days, And I don't know how
to express it, but I guess the whole purpose of
this was just really to give you a story that
(26:49):
makes you feel optimistic about your future, and just to
give you the story of the last year of my
life that makes you feel that if you're going through
some similar you don't feel like you're always going to
be here. And maybe you've heard that a million times before.
Maybe you've heard the sentiment life gets worse before it
(27:09):
gets better. It's not always gonna last time heals a
million times over. But I think when there's a personal
story attached to it, it really gives us hope. And
when I was going through it, I guess I'm still
in the tail end of going through it. I just
wanted to hear stories of people having hard times and
in persevering and knowing that you can change your mindset,
(27:33):
you can change the way you think about your problems.
You can get yourself unstuck, will see a better day,
You will have hope again, you will have belief again.
And I don't know, it's just been a really, really
nice feeling. And as I'm recording this, I am about
to go to Fiji with my mom and with my
(27:55):
auntie and with my cousin for our girls trip. And
this time last year, I was in Bali for our
girl's trip last year, and I spent that whole trip
basically crying and having panic attacks and just feeling so
awful and so heavy and uncomfortable in my brain. And
(28:17):
now I'm going into this trip one year later feeling
not amazing, but pretty remarkable, and feeling transformed and feeling
like I've kind of, I don't know, I've kind of
built a new part of my armor. I don't know.
It sounds like a cliches and cheesy, but that's really
what I wanted to talk about today. And thank you
so much to you guys for supporting me. I don't know,
(28:40):
if you've even noticed if anything's been different. Maybe you've
noticed some more like existential themes in recent episodes, but
that's really where it's coming from. And I'm hoping that
I get a clean bill of health very very soon,
or that at least I have an answer as to
what's going on in my freaking brain and with my
freaking eyeball. But I'm optimistic and I feel like life
(29:03):
is good. I feel good, Take the good days, love
one another, foster a dog. There you go. That's my
life advice. But until next time, make sure you are
following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast. Thanks for
sticking around for this life update. Tell me how you're
going in the comments. Make this a two ways straight.
I feel like I just dumped a lot of information
(29:24):
on you. If you've made it this far, wow, thank
you for enduring all of that. And also, yeah, I
want to hear what's been happening with you as well.
How we feeling out of town? What's the emoji that
best represents your life? Right now? Make sure you are
following along, make sure that you have left us a
five star review if you feel cold to do so,
(29:44):
and remember to take care of yourself. Remember life gets better.
Remember it is all. It's not always meant to be great,
and it's not always going to be great, but it's
always gonna end up amazing. Until next time, stay safe,
be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very
very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to
(00:26):
the show. Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
New listeners, our listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here. Back for
another episode as we of course break down the psychology
of our twenties. It's a bit of a different episode today.
It's a chit chat, catch up with me kind of
episode because it's kind of been a while since I've
(00:51):
just popped myself in front of the microphone and talked
about my life, Jemma's life, what's been happening, what's been
happening behind the scenes of the Psychology of Your Twenties.
I always feel a little bit weird doing these life updates,
doing these like chatty episodes, because I feel like that's
(01:13):
not what you're really here for. Perhaps I feel like
you expect more from me sometimes, like you expect the
fully researched, fully fleshed out episodes and not delivering on that.
It's like not delivering on a promise and people are
going to be disappointed that it's just me and my
personality and no science. But trying to get over that
(01:35):
a little bit. I also just think that that's my
toxic productivity, you know. I released two episodes a week,
one of them every now and again can just be
me getting to talk about myself and my learnings and
how my beliefs in my life is changing. I'm actually
reading this book right now called The Ambition Trap. I
(01:57):
cannot remember who it's by, but it's called The Ambition Trap,
and it's completely, like fundamentally changed how I'm viewing work
and productivity, specifically how I'm viewing perfection and allowing myself
to make mistakes and not even make mistakes, but allowing
myself to have fun with my job and to have
(02:20):
fun with my life. And something I'm really aiming for
at the moment is trying to measure my life more
by how I feel what I can do for others,
whether I feel creative, whether I'm patient, whether I have
the capacity for patients and the capacity for kindness, and
how I'm taking care of myself. And this is kind
(02:42):
of an effort to do that, to just sit down
and talk rather than feel like I owe people something.
So anyways, long winded way of saying hello, welcome today,
we're going to talk about what's been going on in
my life. You may remember, maybe almost a year ago,
I would say seven months, I did another little chatty
(03:05):
episode What's been going on with Me? And it was very,
very different to what I normally talk about. It was
me essentially giving you the details behind my mental breakdown.
Let's call it what it is. It was a mental breakdown.
I was in such a dark and raw place, and
I was honestly, so deeply detached from who I am,
(03:29):
and I felt so awful and detached from the world
and from reality, and I was just a complete mess.
And I feel like I kind of released that episode.
I felt very brave doing it, and then I just
went back to my regularly scheduled programming and it didn't
(03:49):
really acknowledge it again, probably because so much happened afterwards.
You know. I announced my book probably a month or
two after I really that episode, so that I just
got so caught up in, you know, promoting person in progress.
Then I launched my new podcast, Mantra, So then I
(04:10):
got so caught up in launching Mantra because I love
it and because it's incredible, and then the book came out,
and then I had to promote the book coming out,
and from the outside, you would definitely have this perception,
or maybe not, but I think that there would be
this perception that this last year of my life has
been like amazing and incredible and I must be on
(04:33):
such a high and I'm not. Really. There's definitely elements
of it in which I'm very happy and in which
my life is getting exceedingly better. But there has been
a lot of misery, I guess, a lot of silent struggling,
like behind the scenes that you know, what we need
(04:54):
to talk about because what you see online isn't real,
what you hear on podcasts isn't always real. What you
think about someone else's life isn't real. And as much
as I love talking about our twenties and I love
talking about psychology, I think my real passion is just
talking about the vulnerable things that make us human. And
part of that is being open, just just sitting here
(05:16):
and saying, hey, like, there has been some things I've
been really that have been really hard in my life recently,
and you wouldn't have any clue. So let's talk about
it despite all of that, and I will obviously give
you updates on what I'm talking about. Life is slowly
getting really really good, and I feel like I've had
some really incredible epiphanies and mindset shifts and just like radical,
(05:39):
I've just experienced some radical acceptance about unchangeable things in life.
And when you have those kinds of radical moments and
transformative moments, like you just kind of want to scream
it from the rooftop and just say to people, like
it gets better, Like it's going to get better. I've
had a really tough year. I felt very ungrateful and
guilty for not being able to enjoy my moments as
(06:01):
much as I wish I had been able to. But
throughout it all, like there are some really incredible learnings
that I think are life changing for me. So that's
what we're going to talk about today. We're going to
talk about why sometimes it has to get worse before
it gets better, what it means to struggle, what it
means to thrive, what it means to be freaking human.
Without further ado, let's get into a little life update.
(06:27):
So behind the scenes of the podcast. At the moment,
I have been going through it, and I've been really
building like this very whole new deep belief system. I
feel like the reason I had this mental breakdown last
year was quite existential for those of you who don't know.
Like when I was growing up, I used to be
(06:49):
I used to have really deep faith. My family was
not religious, we never went to church. They were about
as atheist as it comes. But for some reason, I
always really felt called into like organized religion, and so
like for a lot of my teen years and like
definitely just my late teen years, maybe like the first
year of my twenties, like I always felt this like
(07:10):
real higher calling and this sense of like meaning in
life that was attached to religion. And then I don't
think I've ever talked about this, but I went through
something I don't want to call it traumatic, but just
like really frustrating and disturbing with the church that I
was in, involving someone I was dating, and I just
(07:31):
never went back, Like I was just like, no, I
just can't do this anymore. Like I just it just
completely like broke my belief structure. And then for a
while there was just kind of like this abyss. There
was just this whole I guess, like in my soul
where I all these big questions that faith really felled
for me, Like I didn't have answers to like what
(07:52):
are we here for? What's the meaning of love? Is
this a hostile or a loving universe?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Like?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
What does fairness mean? What does justice? Like? I didn't
really have answers for those things. And I feel like
that all kind of came to a head last year
when I was like, Oh, I really don't have answers
for these things, and that's actually really scary, and I
have to kind of figure out what I want to
believe in, and I have to figure out what I
see my place in this world is like through my
(08:20):
own means and through spirituality, through science, through philosophy, whatever
it was that was going to guide me there. And
there were some other things going on as well, and
it really pushed me to such a low place just
thinking about the absurdity of the world and what I
really learned through that. And I honestly feel like the
last month has been the first time that I've really
(08:40):
come out of it since it happened last year, Like
it's this last month I've really been having like a
moment of like, oh my God, like I'm getting things
now and like I'm happy and wow, like life is beautiful.
And I feel like I'm such an optimistic person that
I spent so much of last year and the start
of this year feeling like life was defined by misery
(09:01):
and suffering, and I've finally been able to appreciate like
the miracle of existence, and that's like something that I
really value. As such an optimistic person, I have to
see the good in the world. So I'm glad that
that is coming back to me. But what it's really
reminded me of is like it's just continually reminded me
that it's always darkest before the dawn, that sometimes true
(09:25):
growth does come from suffering, and that you can endure
so much more than you think you can. And I
remember like hearing people say that and being like what
are you talking about? Like what are you on about?
And then like the mental kind of battle that I've
been through has just proven that to me time and
time again, like how strong I am, how resilient I am.
(09:48):
I always want to talk about some other things that
have been happening I so I haven't talked about this
at all. But right before my book was launched, I
went into the optometrist random. I needed to get new glasses.
And when I was at the optometrist, they like found
something really scary on my what's it called optical nerve
(10:12):
optic nerve? Sorry? And I was in just like a
regular schedule, regularly scheduled like eye appointment, and this optometrist
like looking at these like retinal images that I had
gotten done, and it was so random that I gotten
them done. I wasn't paying attention, and the person at
the front desk was like, oh, do you want these done?
And I was like yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I
was like, oh do I really want those done? But
(10:32):
I'd already said yeah. So she was looking at these
photos and she was she basically was like, oh you
have I'm not going to say what it is, Oh
maybe I will. Like basically it was like that it's
swelling and it's all around the optic nerve, which is
a really really bad sign. And within like twenty I
(10:52):
think forty eight hours, I was like at a specialist
doing all these tests. The things they had to rule
out were really scary. They had to rule out ms,
they had to rule out a brain tumor. They had
to rule out all these really scary things that I
wasn't having a stroke within forty eight hours. Like it
was like, oh, this huge thing is happening with my vision,
(11:17):
with my brain, Like that's so scary. And I was
in like the ophthalmologist's office forty eight hours after I
found out I had this thing that I literally knew
nothing about. And I remember I like kept my cool,
and then suddenly they were dilating my pupil, which I
don't know if you've ever had this happen, but they
(11:37):
put this stuff in your eye that makes your pupil
go huge and then you can't see for like the
next four hours. And I was sitting there and I
was like and why. As they were putting it in
my eye, I was like, oh my gosh, like this
is something huge is happening to me, Like this is
really scary, and I've only just started processing it. So
They're trying to put these like drops in my eye
and I'm like crying and I'm like hysteric, and like
(12:00):
my boyfriends are being like, I know, it's so scary.
And anyways, the thing is is that I still don't
have any answers around what's going on. This was literally
I'm trying to get the timeline right, like very like
within weeks of before my book was launching, before my
book was coming out, and suddenly it was just like,
(12:24):
oh my god, what is happening? And we're still trying
to figure it out, just having to get all these
tests done, having to get all these MRIs, having to
get all these this blood work, and it's been really
really scary. And the thing is is that that was
that was life getting worse. Like I had all this
(12:45):
other stuff going on, and then it was like and bam,
health scare and you know, and bam, like life is fragile,
like just in case you needed that reminder, and it
was incredibly stressful. Like I'm laughing about it now even
though I think now that I know I don't have
like a significant brain tumor, and now that I definitely
know that I wasn't having a stroke, I can laugh
(13:07):
about it. But like it was kind of touch and
go there. And actually, like the optometrist called me after
I'd left because she'd been like, oh, just go to
the doctor eventually, and then she called me like six
times and was like, hey, like, this is actually an emergency.
So that was scary. Now I feel fine, and I
feel like that was really the low point. I also
had some people asking me like, how was my mental
(13:28):
health leading up to my book coming out? And I
so you guys might know, I tried to go off
my medication. I'm on lexipro. I tried to go off
last year and it didn't go very very well. Unfortunately,
this year I have actually taped down to ten milligrams.
And I liked, this is not medical advice. I just
(13:50):
like to talk openly about dosages and everything because just
might be helpful to you. And I feel like I
need it less and less. But it is such a
safety net for me, right, Like I was gonna say,
I know I could never get to a really low point,
but obviously I could, but that was when I wasn't
taking it. It's just a nice safety net for me.
It's just like, Okay, I know that my depression of
(14:15):
my anxiety is biological. I know that I exercise like
four to five times a week. I eat really well,
I spend a lot of time outdoors. I have loving family,
social connection, I have a purposeful career. I'm safe, I
have all my needs met, and then some I'm able
(14:36):
to give back, Like I'm doing all the things that
people say are externally protective against depression and anxiety, and
you know, I'm doing all the behavioral interventions that people
always say as helping, and they didn't work, so I
know that it's biological. And I think just having this
kind of intervention has been really really so that's kind
(15:00):
of like a medication update. But yeah, leading up to
my book coming out, I was struggling, not just because
I had that health scare thing, which was significant, but
because a lot of other big changes were happening in
my life. I had to move house the day before
my book came out as well, which was just like
two huge things happening at once. And also, something they
(15:24):
may not tell you about writing a book is that
it's quite anticlimactic.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Right, So you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Do a lot of work, it takes so many hours
and so much of you to write a book, and
then it all like comes to fruition on like one day,
and then after that, like it's so weird, like you
don't really hear from a lot of the people that
you've worked with, like you're suddenly just kind of on
your own, and you're suddenly just like, okay, I have
(15:52):
to do I'm just on my own. Like this this
book is here, and you know it's open, it's open
for public opinion, and you need people to buy it
and you don't really know how to do that, and
you also, like will face disappointments in terms of people
in your life not supporting you, and people in your
life yeah, not really showing up for you at a
big moment and not buying copies or you know, not
(16:17):
saying congratulations or like small things. I was saying to
someone the other day, like you know the the quote
that's like you know who your real friends are when
you have a baby, you also know who your real
friends are when you write a book, because I don't know.
I feel like I'm the kind of friend where people
do cool things like that. I'm like really all behind it.
(16:37):
And it was interesting seeing how big things for you
don't necessarily translate to big things for other people. So
I think if I had been in a better mental
state and hadn't had a big health scare rite before
my book came out, I would have been able to
let those things go a little bit better. But it
was a real struggle. So there was like a weird
low point high point where I was like, Wow, huge
career milestone. Also like, oh my god, what is going
(16:59):
on in life? This is when I want to talk
about how things get better. Like the theme of this
episode is things get worse before they get better. Things
could have gotten a whole lot worse to me. Let's
be completely real, Like, honestly, what I was going through
is nothing compared to what so many people around the
world are going through right now. But things got worse,
(17:19):
and then slowly these changes started in my life, and
I felt like I had been in this waiting room.
I felt like I had gone through like the dark
night of the soul as they call it. And suddenly
someone like opened the door and was like, all right, cool,
you've like done enough, Like you've sat here for long enough,
(17:42):
we can tell you can take it. Welcome to the
next chapter of your life. And I want to spend
the next part of this episode talking about what that
felt like and how grateful I am for where I
am now and what it is that I'm grateful for.
So stick around, stay with me. I want to tell
you why it always gets better. So this was the
(18:08):
first thing that transformed my life and has gotten me
out of a very dark period. I fostered a dog,
and you guys might know that that foster is no
longer my foster dog. It's now my actual dog. But
I started out fostering this dog her name is Tyloe,
(18:30):
because I saw her on the RSPCA website and I
just don't know what it was. I was like, I
need to help this dog. I need her in my life,
like I have space, I have capacity, I have time,
I have well, my house at the time did not
allow dogs, but whatever I got around that, Like I
(18:51):
just felt this calling to go and rescue her. And
we brought her home and within like two days, me
and my partner Tom were like, oh, oh, like really
really screwed up here, because this dog is the biggest sweetheart.
She is so smart, she is so kind, She just
(19:11):
so wants to be loved, and she just so wants
to be part of the pack. And we said to
each other, we have to we have to give it
three months before deciding, and if nobody has adopted her
in three months, we can consider it. That did not
last very long. We adopted her after a month, and
(19:33):
there's just something around having a dog that changes your perspective.
It makes you so much more selfless, it makes you
more patient, you see life through it through their eyes.
I feel like I'm rehashing what so many other people
have discovered, but oh my lord, it was just so
glorious getting like waking up every single morning, I wake
(19:56):
up and I have to take her outside and I
have to take her for a walk. And it's meant
that I'm outdoors more and I have to do these
things for her, even if I don't want to, even
if I'm busy, even if I'm in a bad mood.
Life has become about her. And honestly, I think that
it was the just not the distraction, but I think
it was the thing I needed to get myself out
(20:16):
of my ego. Like I feel like I was really
investing in this like idea of myself as like being
being like suffering, and I was like, oh, life is
really hard and I'm trying my best and it's not working.
And then I rescued her and her history is so terrible,
like she yeah, was really badly abused, and then was removed,
(20:38):
like was forcibly removed, like someone came in and rescued her,
and then the people who they rescued her from like
took took the RSPCA to court and wanted to get
her back and like so that meant she had to
stay in the pound for a year before she was
even allowed to go out of the pound and do
visits and stuff. And I don't know, I was just like, wow,
my life could be so much worse, and here is
(20:59):
thisautiful animal, this beautiful creature who you know has a
burn on her nose and is missing teeth and had
such a hard start, and she freaking loves life and
she is like down to play, and every moment that
she is allowed, like to roll around in the grass,
is a beautiful moment. And breakfast is the best thing
of every day. And she wakes up and gets twenty
minutes of cuddles in the bed because of course we're
(21:21):
such SOFTI as we allow her in the bed, and
it's just really transformative. And now I keep saying to
people like, if you struggle with socializing, if you struggle
with feeling optimistic about life, if you struggle to see
the joy and little things, foster a dog. If you
can't adopt a dog, foster a dog or adopt a
dog and just see how it completely changes your life. Obviously,
(21:44):
like make sure that you are in a good space.
Like I feel like we didn't rush into it. We
were really concentrated around like can we have a pet
right now? And it just happened to work out. But
the introduction of her into my life, I honestly feel
like was a gift from the universe. Then I started
seeing a new therapist, and that was also incredible, because
(22:06):
I feel like I was getting really stuck with my
old therapist. She was amazing, but I just felt like
I had reached It sounds weird, I'd reached what I
was willing to share with her. And I was so
deeply worried about being triggered actually, and about a therapist
saying something that I hadn't considered in really upsetting me.
That I wasn't revealing anything more to her. And I
(22:28):
felt like because I hadn't revealed things to her in
the past, that she would like call me out for
almost lying, like saying that I was okay when I wasn't.
So I needed to frushlate And so I went and
I started seeing a new therapist. An existential therapist who
has just been freaking amazing and has really just revealed
to me how so much of what I struggle with
is just a fear of the unknown, and so much
(22:49):
of what I struggle with is just just my brain
working differently. And I also have started running. I just
I'm just going to leave that there. I felt like
my life was becoming very much an obsession with work
and an obsession with how much more I could do.
(23:10):
You know, I was doing I'm still doing the Psychology
of your Twenties. I was also doing Mantra, my other
podcast where there were more spiritual discussions going on, and
I love them both so much, but it is a
lot to put your brain into, Like it is a
lot of mental energy to create two things that you
really love and promote a book and do all these
other activities as well. And I needed something else. And
(23:33):
so my friend Sarah, I was at the park one
day and she was running and I ran into her
and she was like, do you just want to run
with me for a little bit, And I was like, yeah, okay,
I'll do that. Ever since then, I've got the bug.
I've got the freakin' bug, and I've been posting about
it on my personal Instagram a lot, and you guys
have been like, what the heck, how come you are
suddenly running fifteen kilometers when you used to say you
(23:55):
hated running. It's because I've been going slow, going super slow.
I started like, I started at a pace that was
probably like a walk or a jog, and now I
feel like I'm actually running, and I feel like through
running as well, I've also been really testing my limits.
I've been testing my ability to persevere and to endure,
(24:19):
and I've showed myself how strong I am. And I've
taught myself patience, and I've taught myself like consistency. There's
just all these discoveries that I'm having around the meaning
of life that I'm figuring out through such simple acts,
through moving my body in a way that so many
other people have done for centuries, through sharing a bond
(24:40):
with an animal, through connecting with people, through having new discussions,
and I just finally feel like I'm out of this
really dark cloud. Also, it's just been so wonderful to
see how many of you have been reading my book
and how many of you are lading and resonating with it.
(25:02):
I think it's been a while since I've really appreciated
that I'm doing meaningful work. I think that I can
be a little bit too self deprecating. Tell me if
you're the same where I'm like, if I acknowledge that
I'm good at what I do, or that I care
about what I do, or that maybe I have something
to say, people are going to immediately cut me down
(25:24):
for that, or that's entitlement or it will be taken
away from me. The moment that you feel, I guess,
not grateful, but the moment that you take something for granted,
or that you assume that you're good at something, or
you assume that something is safe, it will be up
in the air. And I just have been reminded that
(25:45):
that's not the case, that there are people who really
want you to succeed, and that it's okay to just say, like,
I'm good at this thing, and I care about this,
and I put a lot of work into it, and
I'm proud of it. That's not bragging. That's not even
a humble brag. That's just talking about the thing that
you care about. I think all of this is just
to say that I'm learning so much and I'm constantly
(26:08):
being reminded that there is a lot of darkness in
the world and life is really painful sometimes, but you
will come out on the other side and that you
have handled it all. I'm grateful for the fact that
this last year hasn't been amazing internally, because every single
(26:28):
day now that I wake up and I feel good,
it's this weird thing of like, oh my gosh, like wow,
what a great day, What a great day. I've been
having just like incredible days, And I don't know how
to express it, but I guess the whole purpose of
this was just really to give you a story that
(26:49):
makes you feel optimistic about your future, and just to
give you the story of the last year of my
life that makes you feel that if you're going through
some similar you don't feel like you're always going to
be here. And maybe you've heard that a million times before.
Maybe you've heard the sentiment life gets worse before it
(27:09):
gets better. It's not always gonna last time heals a
million times over. But I think when there's a personal
story attached to it, it really gives us hope. And
when I was going through it, I guess I'm still
in the tail end of going through it. I just
wanted to hear stories of people having hard times and
in persevering and knowing that you can change your mindset,
(27:33):
you can change the way you think about your problems.
You can get yourself unstuck, will see a better day,
You will have hope again, you will have belief again.
And I don't know, it's just been a really, really
nice feeling. And as I'm recording this, I am about
to go to Fiji with my mom and with my
(27:55):
auntie and with my cousin for our girls trip. And
this time last year, I was in Bali for our
girl's trip last year, and I spent that whole trip
basically crying and having panic attacks and just feeling so
awful and so heavy and uncomfortable in my brain. And
(28:17):
now I'm going into this trip one year later feeling
not amazing, but pretty remarkable, and feeling transformed and feeling
like I've kind of, I don't know, I've kind of
built a new part of my armor. I don't know.
It sounds like a cliches and cheesy, but that's really
what I wanted to talk about today. And thank you
so much to you guys for supporting me. I don't know,
(28:40):
if you've even noticed if anything's been different. Maybe you've
noticed some more like existential themes in recent episodes, but
that's really where it's coming from. And I'm hoping that
I get a clean bill of health very very soon,
or that at least I have an answer as to
what's going on in my freaking brain and with my
freaking eyeball. But I'm optimistic and I feel like life
(29:03):
is good. I feel good, Take the good days, love
one another, foster a dog. There you go. That's my
life advice. But until next time, make sure you are
following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast. Thanks for
sticking around for this life update. Tell me how you're
going in the comments. Make this a two ways straight.
I feel like I just dumped a lot of information
(29:24):
on you. If you've made it this far, wow, thank
you for enduring all of that. And also, yeah, I
want to hear what's been happening with you as well.
How we feeling out of town? What's the emoji that
best represents your life? Right now? Make sure you are
following along, make sure that you have left us a
five star review if you feel cold to do so,
(29:44):
and remember to take care of yourself. Remember life gets better.
Remember it is all. It's not always meant to be great,
and it's not always going to be great, but it's
always gonna end up amazing. Until next time, stay safe,
be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very
very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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