June 7, 2024 • 31 mins
Earlier this week, we gave you a glimpse of some of the magic that happened this spring at our first-ever live event, Healing in Real Time. Well, we of course could not leave out the Q&A portion of the event, where you all sounded off via DM with your questions about maintaining digital boundaries, the balance between oversharing and telling your truth online, and yes, the etiquette of posting during a friend’s birthday.
Today, you’ll hear me and my group chat – the brilliant Dr. Ayanna Abrams and Dr. Joy Beckwith – answer those questions, tapping into our shared expertise as licensed clinical psychologists.
About the Podcast
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Dr. Joy Beckwith
Dr. Ayanna Abrams
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for this special bonus episode of Therapy
for Black Girls Podcasts. We'll get right into our conversation
after a word from our sponsors. Earlier this week, we
gave you a glimpse of some of the magic that
(01:17):
happened this spring at Variety Playhouse, where our podcast had
the first ever live event healing in real time. Well,
of course, we couldn't leave you without the Q and
a portion where the guests sounded off via our dms
with questions about maintaining digital boundaries, the balance between oversharing
and telling your truth online, and yes, the etiquette of
(01:39):
posting during a friend's birthday. Today, you'll hear me in
the group chat doctor Ayana Abrams and doctor Joy back
with answer these questions, tapping into our shared expertise as
licensed clinical psychologists. If something resonates with you while enjoying
our conversation, please share it with us on social media
using the hashtag TBG in session, or join us over
(02:02):
in the sister circle to talk more about the episode.
You can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls
dot com. Here's our conversation. Okay, so the first question
is how do I enforce boundaries if I've never done
so before?
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Ooh, I felt that one, I felt that one, so one.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I usually say so.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
My guess is that you have enforced boundaries before, but
you don't recognize what boundaries are. We all enforce boundaries
for you to make it here tonight on time, there
was some boundaries somewhere that you enforced or reinforced. What
I usually offer people is to one remind yourself that
this is a practice. It's not a perfect practice. It's
not anything that you have to that's right or wrong.
(02:47):
But to allow yourself an opportunity to think about what's
going on?
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Usually we want to set a boundary when something doesn't
feel right, So we got to listen to our bodies first, right,
our bodies will usually always tell you something don't feel
right here, and being able to use those as an
opportunity right to think about what doesn't feel right about this?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I usually work with people, and so some people, most
people I think, had the language.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
I will have a client who will come in and say,
how do I say ABC and D to him?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Well, ABC and D you just said it to me, right,
So a lot of us have the language, we don't
have the courage to say it right. So really thinking
about that and thinking about what comes up, like what
is it that I'm worried about happening in this space?
And how would I take care of myself if that
thing didn't happen. Just working yourself kind of through some
(03:36):
different reflective exercises.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
And then it's always going to be a risk.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Oftentimes we want to set the boundary and want things
to change without taking the risk and really understanding that
it is going to come with the risk that can
ideally yield the reward of feeling better in this relationship.
But it's really kind of a self talk and a
mindfulness practice before you even say anything to somebody else.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
No, I felt the exact same way. Pain tells us
where to apply pressure, and so it's being able to
take a look at like what are my pain points?
You know, I feel violated when you call me too late,
or when you are liking all of the pictures or
whatever your things are, or when you don't cancel with
me or you always cancel with me. So being clearer
where the pain points are, so then you can apply
(04:19):
some pressure there and being clear of like, okay, what
type of boundary? I think sometimes what happens is we
go really really hard, don't call me after whatever time,
and it's like, well at all? Ever again again being
really really clear, or do I need us do I
need a certain amount of notice or I don't do
anything on Sundays except for you know, so being really
(04:40):
clear or what the boundary is so you can articulate it,
and then knowing like hey, you don't have to turn
that thing all the way up or all the way down,
but knowing, hey, what feels good to you? And like
you said, it's a journey. I think we want to
have the boundary in place and have everybody to adhere
to it. It's gonna take some time, yep. Right. They're
not used to you going to bed at this time.
They're not used to you not answering their phone call.
(05:01):
They're not used to you not always taking in their information,
right because typically you're always available for them. And so
it takes a little bit of time for people to
get used to the boundaries that you've set in place.
So articulating them, giving some grace to yourself as you
enforce them, and then grace to other people as they
respect them.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Thank you for that, all right.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Second question, I've outgrown my people. Now.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Listen, if you in here and you came with the
people that you have outgrown, Okay, let's keep it cute.
But I've outgrown my people. How should I tell them?
Speaker 4 (05:48):
Sweating? You're nervous, she's sweating. Let me let me think
where I want to start. I have two thoughts. Two thoughts.
I'm trying to figure out which one I want to
leave with and which one I want to I want
to end with. I think your behavior speaks volumes, right,
and so sometimes I think we want to have a
huge heart to heart conversation with people about like oh
(06:11):
I've outgrown you, or I don't do certain things anymore.
There are oftentimes where your behavior tells the story because
I don't do certain things anymore because you know that's
where you guys go and what you guys do, and
me saying like no and enforcing that my behavior can
also speak that I've outgrown those things. And my second
mind was, I want us to be really careful sometimes,
(06:33):
like as we like, you're supposed to grow, right, You're
supposed to grow, and everybody isn't afraid of your growth, right,
And I want us to caution sometimes when we feel like,
oh I've outgrown her, I've outgrown this person. It is possible,
but it's also possible like, hey, you know, I just
don't do that anymore, but we're still cool. I just
now started going to church or started doing this, but
(06:54):
we are still cool and being clear on what I
do with these people and what I do with these people,
and it's okay. So I can have multiple friend groups, right, yeah,
And so just giving yourself permission to grow, giving people
permission to grow, and it doesn't have to be really
a thing now sometimes it is, but it doesn't always
have to be a thing.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Right, Yeah, I love that the permission right to grow,
because I was What I was going to add is
that growing in different directions also doesn't mean that either
of you have done anything wrong. And oftentimes that's how
we see growth. I've outgrown you, so I'm up here
and you're down there versus. People grow at different paces
for different reasons, are navigating very different things. Even as
(07:35):
much as you know somebody, they are your you know ABC,
but it doesn't mean that you know internally all that
they are navigating. So you can grow at different paces,
and it just means that you're in different places and
spaces if you do want to remain in a relationship
with them, right, it means that this might now require
some work to find what's still there in this relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Or connection, and that can be different.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We might have been the friends who did this and
this and this together and I saw you every Friday
and we talk every morning, and you know, we did
this on Sundays. And now you might be the friend
that we do Sunday brunches or we check in, or
we might turn into the friends where we just DM
each other funny stuff on social media. Right, but we
are still connected and that's still okay. Nobody has to
(08:16):
have done anything wrong. If you do notice that the
that the growing in a different way or different direction
or different pace does come with some conflict, it is
an opportunity, right, for some kind of conversation around that.
You know, I talk to clients and people about there's
different ways to move, right. We don't have to have
a conversation with everybody. Right. That is a choice point.
(08:36):
It doesn't mean I'll owe nobody no explanation. It doesn't
mean that, right, we can still talk to some people
through some things that are going on with us. And again,
depending on the relationship, we can just move differently, right,
which means the relationship will by default move differently if
we just do different things. If I'm not as available
on Fridays, it means that we're no longer the Friday friends. Right,
(08:57):
If I keep saying no to that, So you have
to different options. It really depends on what kind of
work you want to do and the discernment between there's
work that I want to do in this relationship and
I really want to let you know because I really
want to preserve.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Something, or there's work that I really don't.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Feel like doing in this relationship. So I'm just gonna
move differently, all right, So you get to choose.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Thank you for that. And I think you know something
else that's important, picking up on a thread that both
of you shared. I think sometimes when we feel like this, oh,
I grew them, it's almost like a pride kind of thing,
and it's like, well, did you outgrow them? Or are
you kind of be in a jerk right now? Right
like you know? And so I think it is important
to think about, like, Okay, is there some growth that
(09:40):
we all can do to preserve the relationship as opposed
to I'm doing this now and I'm leaving you behind,
because I think that activates a different kind of conversation
versus we can grow together.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
And maybe you grew first, right, and so because you
learn this and you're moving this way, and if you
don't separate from me, I can grow too, and so
then we are going to get so thank.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
You, okay. Third question, what happens when you see a
former friend or former partner posting online about you and
it's not accurate? How do you navigate that? Some fact checking?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Some fact checking?
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So I think I would thought by thinking about like
is it who is it important that it's accurate? For yep, right,
you know, so you know that it's not the truth.
So what need do you feel to like prove someone
else that it was not the truth? Like can they
just be wrong by themselves or do you feel the
need to come out and say like, hey, I saw
you say this thing and it wasn't accurate.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Right, and no response it's also a response, it is.
And so sometimes you post stuff and it's just like, really,
I know the truth and you know the truth, but
I'm not even going to say anything about it, Like
why do I need to go and now try to
prove or you know, debunk that.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, I don't know when it was, but I made
a post just about this that tells you know, sometimes
peace looks like letting people be wrong about you.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Yeah, I think can be wrong. Right.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
What we were talking about before is if I feel
you know, grounded, if I feel connected, if I feel
good about myself, if I feel good about what's going
on around me, it's gonna matter less other people's narrative
of you because other people are allowed to have other narratives.
What happens in that scenario is that we want to
control how people view us, and we want to control
people's stories about us. And it's the acceptance and the
(11:32):
realization that we can't control for that, and it's really uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
The piece that it's really really.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Uncomfortable when someone has a narrative of you that feels
like it mischaracterizes you, and it feels like it's misaligned
with who you want to be or how you show
up in the world.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
But they get to have their own story about you.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
It's about you being able to release that level of
control around it. And you also can't control if other
people believe their story about you.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Right. But it really does take a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Of work to separate yourself from that and not try
to control. I can understand wanting to control it, but
also differentiating that between I get to control it. You
need to take that down. You need to tell them
the truth. It would be nice, but they don't have
to do that. How are you going to take care
of yourself if and when there's a story out there
that doesn't ring true for you?
Speaker 1 (12:16):
More from our conversation after the break Why do friendship
breakups sometimes hurt more than romantic ones? How do I
make friends in a new city? Is it true that
women can't actually be good friends to one another. I'm
exploring all of these questions and so much more in
my book, Sisterhood Heels, now available in paperback at your
(12:41):
local independent bookstore or at sisterhood Heels dot com. Grab
a copy for you and your girls, and let's talk
about it. So this next question is about birthdays, and
(13:01):
I feel something stirring in my.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Spirit because it feels like there has been a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Of conversation about birthdays and I'm wondering what's happening. Like
a part of what want My working theory is that
there are so few opportunities for us to like be
celebrated that we then put all of this energy and
like expectation on birthdays. But I'm curious to hear if
y'all have other thoughts. But the question is what is
(13:32):
the etiquette around posting embarrassing or ugly photos of friends
on their birthdays on the birthday, on their birthday, or
maybe as a part of the birthday celebration.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
So wait a minute, your friend has this unattractive picture
of you and they decide to bring it up.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
So I'm guessing that you know, like maybe we are
all out celebrating your birthday and then I pick a
picture where I pick a picture where I look cute,
but you don't, even though it's your birthday.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
So that explains to me why people post that last
picture where you know it's your birthday and you've got
your whole photo shoot. It's like when you start to
repost post this one right, yeah, now got it? Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
So there isn't a standard etiquette. The etiquette is something
that's established between you and those people who are doing this.
So I don't know if that is something that is
a tradition or prank. I don't know who asked the
question about, so I don't know what that's about in
terms of posting it on your birthday.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
As we were naming before.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
If it is something that is uncomfortable with you, you
get you have a right to address it and say
that makes me uncomfortable. You can ask people to take
that down. If they don't, that leaves you with another
decision about what's going on in that connection or relationship
or friendship. If that is a trend, then that gives
you an opportunity to set a different kind of boundary.
If that is what you do when we are on birthdays,
(14:52):
or when you're with me on my birthday, maybe you
don't get to be with me on my birthday anymore, right,
Or if that's so, there's there's something that's going to
lead to some kind of boundary around that. But I
would recommend expressing your feelings and then making an actual request.
We oftentimes confuse that we think that because I said
I didn't like it, you should not.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Do it, Versus I.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Can say I didn't like it and ask you to
do something different and then see what data I get back.
If I don't like the data I get back, then
I can set.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
A different boundary around this.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
But if you notice that when you are with someone
they do a thing that you don't like, you have
the opportunity to stop being with them, versus focusing on
them not doing the thing that they keep doing in
your face on your birthday.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Like, there's some options.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
But we do know that beauty unless it's just like
a real picture where it's like come on, now, come on,
you posted that one. But beauty is in the eye
the beholder, right, So I don't know if you think that, hey,
I like you know that's a cute picture of me,
And so if you're my friend, you have this picture
of me, we have pictures together, right. I just really
would like to believe that as friends, you can tell
me like, hey, you know I don't really like that picture, girl,
(15:54):
Can you post this one instead? I don't have a
problem with you posting me and posting me on my birthday.
And actually here are some other ones where you are
in it too, if you want to post, can you
post that one? And of course like getting the data,
but why can't I ask you to not post that
picture or to take that picture down, or I don't
like how I look in that picture?
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Right? Right?
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Because we're friends, right.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
If we are, well, I understand that one.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
That would be I think that's what's throwing me out
because we're friends. I don't know why you post that,
but if you do post it, I feel like I
should be able to tell you like, hey, I don't
like that picture, yeah, and then waiting for the data
that comes back. If you refuse to take it down
on my birthday.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
We have a different decision to make.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, Okay, here's our next question. How do I make
the move to transition an online friendship to an in
real life friendship.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I've done that before.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
So I feel like inherent in this question is how
do I avoid the risk of rejection if I ask
them to do something in real life?
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
So maybe that's what we can speak to is how
do you kind of show yourself up for the possibility
to be rejected?
Speaker 4 (17:03):
Yeah. One, I was going to give a suggestion of
how you could even start, because I think sometimes we
can go like way too strong. But if I've had
this friendship with you online and we've been talking and
I kind of know what you like, what I like,
we can probably go to an event or something together,
so that the risk of rejection is still possible in
any situation, but it's a lower risk of rejection. And
(17:24):
so oh, I saw that Therapy for Black Girls was
having a live podcast, and so I see that you
follow them too, You've been liking the post or whatever
I plan to go? Do you plan to go? Or
what you like to go together? So something where it
doesn't feel like, hey, do you want to have coffee
with me? And it's like or whatever. So I would say,
how do we lower the risk of rejection? Yeah, because
(17:45):
it's a real thing too, Like I I mean to
feel some anxiety, It is not a bad thing, right,
I want I enjoyed this conversation. I think we have
a lot in common, and I want to see we
can meet in person. Like Okay, if that's that's anxiety provoken.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Yeah, absolutely I would. I would think about ways in
which to stagger the risk. Right, Inherently, there's going to
be a risk in making yourself vulnerable because and the
vulnerability is in I don't know if this person wants
the same thing absolutely that I want. That's inherent there, right,
So if it is something that feels rewarding enough for
you that you're so interested in this person, it is
about kind of looking at what are different ways in
(18:17):
which this risk could look. So it could look like,
you know, inviting to an event that seems like a
shared thing. Maybe you all have been talking, maybe you've
been sharing you know, therapy for Black Girls posts, and
then now there's this.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Event coming up.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Sometimes it can just be the transparency that says, oh
my goodness, I feel like we would be such good
friends of real.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
Life, just saying that and seeing what happens.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Right, again, it's still risky and you're not inviting them
to anything, right, So it's a different level of proposed
or kind of potential rejection, but just naming right that
sometimes you think about that and you kind of wonder
about that in some way. There can be different ways,
like I said, whether it be in an event that's
already coming up, or it can be that risk to
ask them to coffee or asking them to do something.
(18:57):
It really depends on again, how you're able to show
yourself up in terms of taking those risks. As adults,
we know it's harder to make friendships. We are concerned
about rejection, we're concerned about seeming you know, creepy.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
We don't know how to translate right people from your
online persona to what's going on in real life. But
it's still about asking and getting curious do they want
the same thing? Are they interested in that? And seeing
what they say they might say no, and then you
get to decide do I want to keep up what
we've been doing online in terms of DMS or whichever
it is. And then still kind of if you want
(19:29):
to source other people, depending on where you're living or
kind of where you're located, you can still try that
with some other people, but it is always going to
involve some level of a risk.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
What are your thoughts on deleting pictures you have of
an ex boom our friend after the relationship has ended.
The crowd is saying deleted.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I have thoughts.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Yeah, here we go.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
So deleting, deleting past relationships that you are no longer
and so whether it be romantic or platonic, that's a
personal decision. Yeah, that's a personal decision. And again it's
going back to this self awareness is reflection. What's my
motivation to do this? Is it that I am deleting
this because I have some level of embarrassment or shame
(20:24):
that something didn't work out, and I don't want people
to know that. That's very different than so I don't
know if I can cuss some I can't cuss some
things happened, and I don't want to be reminded of this.
So I get to take this off of my feed,
I get to archive it, I get to delete the
photos because I don't want these reminders showing up in
some way. I don't want the time hop from Facebook
telling me five years ago, oh look, there's your traumatic
(20:48):
relationship showing back up, like I don't want that, so
so I might want to take those kind of pictures
or those videos or things like that down.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
But I think it is about your motivation.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Are you in bad about something, are you trying to
hide something in some way and just thinking about what
that's about for you.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
In reality, you have a choice.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
You don't have to put any or keep anything on
your feed that you don't want to be on there,
but it would just be interesting data for you to
reflect on.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Why.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Yeah, no, I agree, it's a personal preference.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right.
Speaker 4 (21:18):
Just because I may not be your friend now does
not mean that, you know, I didn't enjoy the friendship
that we had. And of course, if it's triggering for
me to see the pictures every time I go on
my feed, it's a lot of pictures I'm starting to
feel really sad about the loss of the relationship or
the friendship, then of course you may want to archive
those or delete those. But I mean, just because we're
not cool now does not mean it doesn't take away
(21:39):
anything from when we were really close friends. And that's
all this is is a timeline of like what was
going on now the relationships in terms of intimate partner
relationships are different. If I'm going to be triggered every
single time I log on, because all that's when we
went to Italy and all, here's another one. I mean,
you get to is that what you want to see
every time you log on? If it's doing some it's
(22:00):
your personal page. If it's doing something to you for
you that you don't like, then get rid of it.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Yeah, what power are you giving over to this image
or this memory? Just for you to reflect on.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
More from our conversation after the break. So this is
not a question for the audience. This is my follow
up question to what y'all have said. So if you
are going back to the content creation question, if you
are like a mommy blogger or a family blogger, and
(22:34):
let's say there's a breakup or a divorce, is there
an obligation to then make a post about the dissolution
of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
An obligation from your brand partnership that's paying you to post,
or from your audience, from your audience.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
From your audience, Oh, I have many things to say,
go ahead.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I don't know if it's an obligation, but I think
that if I support you, I'm a big fan of you,
if you guys have mutually decided to separate, you can
put out a statement, but I don't. I have difficulty
when it becomes like, oh, I owe you something. I mean,
you decided to follow me. I appreciate it. You have
been you know, you've clicked on these little links or whatever.
I appreciate it. But I don't know if I owe
(23:17):
you anything. But I think because I appreciate the fact
that you followed us and you have helped to make
us this big, I probably would say, from the goodness
and kindness of my heart, I'm gonna let you know
that this is a no longer. We are no longer
a week. But I don't know about being obligated. You
have to tell me.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, the issue comes up with the entitlement, right. That's
because and I've seen the different posts that if you're
gonna show me this, you have to show me this.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
I'm invested now.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Right, So I knew on vacation, I saw this, I
saw the baby grow up, I saw all these things, like,
you need to let me know what is happening because
I've invested this time. But that's that's on you, right,
That's that parasocial relationship dynamic, so I can understand a
desire to kind of keep people in real time.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Right with what is going on with you.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
And sometimes people do that just to hold off on
any questions because you're not going to see this person
post it anymore. You're not going to see this kind
of content anymore. So let me just let you know
now to not ask about this. This is what has happened,
but being mindful of that sense of entitlement that comes
when people believe that they are oh different parts of
your life versus seeing that you have autonomy. And this
is a curated page. Even if you're not a big
(24:24):
influencer or blogger, this is still curated based on what
I feel like posting. So for the people who feel
entitled to that, it's about you doing your own grieving
around not knowing what's going on with somebody who you
also kind of don't know anyway, that's your work to do,
and you.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Can talk to you about it, like you say, what's
going on, like I don't know what's going on there?
Like what happened?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Keep it right there, don't go to that person's page
and say, well, you need to let me know I
haven't seen this happen in three weeks?
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Where are they? Where are they?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Like?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Where are your Sunday photos? Right?
Speaker 2 (24:53):
So that's something you can process amongst yourselves versus demanding,
right that people provide you updates to their lives.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
The purpose of the group chat, the purpose of the
roop chat. Get yourself a group chat?
Speaker 4 (25:04):
Yeah yeah, okay?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Next question? Is it always shady when people post videos
of themselves crying on Instagram? This question is is it
trying to get the teeth?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Is it shady? Is it shady?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Is it shady when people post videos of themselves crying shade?
Speaker 3 (25:25):
So shady is a loaded word. We don't know what
they are shade. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
Yeah, people get to pick and choo.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
The shady throws me off. I wouldn't call it shady.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
But people get to pick and choose how they want
to express themselves on their page. Right, you don't have
to like it. We don't have to like it. It
may be something that you would not do for me.
I cannot imagine being really upset and being really sad
and take my camera and saying, let me film this.
But but it's okay. Some people do it. They may
(26:05):
want to remember this moment or We talked earlier about vulnerability, right,
and so letting you know, like, hey, you may have
seen me, and you see all of this other stuff
that I do, but I'm having a really really rough
day and hey, I'm letting you see this side of
me too, and so really just trying to live in
this space of no judgment. They decided to do it,
that's them. What does their car tier crying thing have
to do with me? Yeah, so I don't know if it's.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Shade, yeah, shady shady the word shady's throwing out. But
I do recognize that there is a there are mixed
messages when it comes to social media, because on the
one hand, we say be vulnerable, like show your real life,
like don't always show me the highlight reel, and then
when somebody shows you the low lights, you're just like,
why are you crying on on?
Speaker 3 (26:46):
You don't need to be on here.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
You need to do this and save that for this,
and that should only be in your private stuff. So
it's also about again this we have to think about
how complex and how complicated and how dynamic it is
to show up on social media in these ways that
can be someone practicing a level of vulnerability. Sometimes that
kind of vulnerability does bring a lot of validation to
other people to see, Oh, you're struggling with something that
(27:10):
I cry about and I didn't think that anyone else
cries about this thing, right, So it can actually be
really meaningful if someone else sees that. Again, it really
depends on are what is your motivation right for showing
up in that way?
Speaker 3 (27:22):
What are you experiencing and doing.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
That, What kind of feedback are you getting? And can
you handle that and can you manage that?
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Right?
Speaker 2 (27:29):
But again, social media, you're going to see all different things,
so we can't say that we don't only want the highlights,
we want real people. And then when the reality of
the human experience shows up, we say we don't want
that either.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
So we're talking about the difference between being vulnerable and oversharing,
and the difference, like the little fine line is what
is the expectation of the post? Right? If I'm being vulnerable,
I want you to see and want you to be
able to connect to want you to understand like this
is what this real looks like. Want you to be
able to relate to me. That's one thing. It's also
different when it's like Okay, I'm oversharing. I want your
(28:01):
sympathy and a whole bunch of other stuff. And so
what's the expectation behind like the post? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Okay, final question, how do I know? How do I
communicate to a friend that they record our interactions too much?
Speaker 4 (28:21):
You have the language, you just said it.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So I feel uncomfortable with how much our interactions are recorded.
And again there's a difference between expressing how you feel
and asking them to do something different. All Right, I
feel uncomfortable with how much you record and post our
interactions together. I'd love for some of those to remain private.
Can you post less? Can you not post at all
(28:48):
the things that happen between us?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Right?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
You got to pair it with those two things, how
I'm feeling about it and what you actually want to
be different, and then you get data based on how
they respond.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
That's completely But you have the language. Yeah, you just
said it. You have the language. It's what's the feeling,
and then what do you want as a result of
the feeling. People will respond to how this action makes
you feel. So if you're not judgmental, you are always posting,
you're not coming in critical so that you don't get
that energy back. It is what is the feeling that
you feel right and what do you want the action
to be just instead? And I ask you to turn
(29:20):
that thing all the way down to not video, not posting,
or you know, can you wait until the very end
of our dates together.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And on the other side of that, I'll always talk
about like when you are wanting to kind of set
boundaries in a certain way and kind of ask for
things to be different. Also think about how you also
respond to other people's boundaries. Right, So we want to
say no and stop doing this and stop doing this,
But do you respect other people's boundaries? Do you get defensive?
Do you tell people that they're doing this or this
or this right when they want things to change in
(29:49):
the relationship. That'll give you also a gauge right in
terms of this relationship, how do we respect others each
other's needs right as those needs might change over time.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Well, thank you ladies for answering all of our questions.
Thank y'all for your incredible questions.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I'm so glad Doctor Ayana and doctor Joy were able
to join me for this event. It was tons of fun.
We cannot wait to do it again to learn more
about them and the work that they're doing. Be sure
to visit the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot
com slash live show questions, and don't forget to text
this episode to two of your girls right now and
tell them to check it out. If you're looking for
(30:32):
a therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at
Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And if you
want to continue digging into this topic or just be
a community with other sisters, come on over and join
us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of
the Internet designed just for black women. You can join
us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. This
(30:55):
episode was produced by Elis Ellis and Zaria Taylor. Editing
was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much
for joining me for this bonus episode. We'll be back
on Wednesday with our regular episodes. Until then, take good care.
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for this special bonus episode of Therapy
for Black Girls Podcasts. We'll get right into our conversation
after a word from our sponsors. Earlier this week, we
gave you a glimpse of some of the magic that
(01:17):
happened this spring at Variety Playhouse, where our podcast had
the first ever live event healing in real time. Well,
of course, we couldn't leave you without the Q and
a portion where the guests sounded off via our dms
with questions about maintaining digital boundaries, the balance between oversharing
and telling your truth online, and yes, the etiquette of
(01:39):
posting during a friend's birthday. Today, you'll hear me in
the group chat doctor Ayana Abrams and doctor Joy back
with answer these questions, tapping into our shared expertise as
licensed clinical psychologists. If something resonates with you while enjoying
our conversation, please share it with us on social media
using the hashtag TBG in session, or join us over
(02:02):
in the sister circle to talk more about the episode.
You can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls
dot com. Here's our conversation. Okay, so the first question
is how do I enforce boundaries if I've never done
so before?
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Ooh, I felt that one, I felt that one, so one.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I usually say so.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
My guess is that you have enforced boundaries before, but
you don't recognize what boundaries are. We all enforce boundaries
for you to make it here tonight on time, there
was some boundaries somewhere that you enforced or reinforced. What
I usually offer people is to one remind yourself that
this is a practice. It's not a perfect practice. It's
not anything that you have to that's right or wrong.
(02:47):
But to allow yourself an opportunity to think about what's
going on?
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Usually we want to set a boundary when something doesn't
feel right, So we got to listen to our bodies first, right,
our bodies will usually always tell you something don't feel
right here, and being able to use those as an
opportunity right to think about what doesn't feel right about this?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I usually work with people, and so some people, most
people I think, had the language.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
I will have a client who will come in and say,
how do I say ABC and D to him?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Well, ABC and D you just said it to me, right,
So a lot of us have the language, we don't
have the courage to say it right. So really thinking
about that and thinking about what comes up, like what
is it that I'm worried about happening in this space?
And how would I take care of myself if that
thing didn't happen. Just working yourself kind of through some
(03:36):
different reflective exercises.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
And then it's always going to be a risk.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Oftentimes we want to set the boundary and want things
to change without taking the risk and really understanding that
it is going to come with the risk that can
ideally yield the reward of feeling better in this relationship.
But it's really kind of a self talk and a
mindfulness practice before you even say anything to somebody else.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
No, I felt the exact same way. Pain tells us
where to apply pressure, and so it's being able to
take a look at like what are my pain points?
You know, I feel violated when you call me too late,
or when you are liking all of the pictures or
whatever your things are, or when you don't cancel with
me or you always cancel with me. So being clearer
where the pain points are, so then you can apply
(04:19):
some pressure there and being clear of like, okay, what
type of boundary? I think sometimes what happens is we
go really really hard, don't call me after whatever time,
and it's like, well at all? Ever again again being
really really clear, or do I need us do I
need a certain amount of notice or I don't do
anything on Sundays except for you know, so being really
(04:40):
clear or what the boundary is so you can articulate it,
and then knowing like hey, you don't have to turn
that thing all the way up or all the way down,
but knowing, hey, what feels good to you? And like
you said, it's a journey. I think we want to
have the boundary in place and have everybody to adhere
to it. It's gonna take some time, yep. Right. They're
not used to you going to bed at this time.
They're not used to you not answering their phone call.
(05:01):
They're not used to you not always taking in their information,
right because typically you're always available for them. And so
it takes a little bit of time for people to
get used to the boundaries that you've set in place.
So articulating them, giving some grace to yourself as you
enforce them, and then grace to other people as they
respect them.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Thank you for that, all right.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Second question, I've outgrown my people. Now.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Listen, if you in here and you came with the
people that you have outgrown, Okay, let's keep it cute.
But I've outgrown my people. How should I tell them?
Speaker 4 (05:48):
Sweating? You're nervous, she's sweating. Let me let me think
where I want to start. I have two thoughts. Two thoughts.
I'm trying to figure out which one I want to
leave with and which one I want to I want
to end with. I think your behavior speaks volumes, right,
and so sometimes I think we want to have a
huge heart to heart conversation with people about like oh
(06:11):
I've outgrown you, or I don't do certain things anymore.
There are oftentimes where your behavior tells the story because
I don't do certain things anymore because you know that's
where you guys go and what you guys do, and
me saying like no and enforcing that my behavior can
also speak that I've outgrown those things. And my second
mind was, I want us to be really careful sometimes,
(06:33):
like as we like, you're supposed to grow, right, You're
supposed to grow, and everybody isn't afraid of your growth, right,
And I want us to caution sometimes when we feel like,
oh I've outgrown her, I've outgrown this person. It is possible,
but it's also possible like, hey, you know, I just
don't do that anymore, but we're still cool. I just
now started going to church or started doing this, but
(06:54):
we are still cool and being clear on what I
do with these people and what I do with these people,
and it's okay. So I can have multiple friend groups, right, yeah,
And so just giving yourself permission to grow, giving people
permission to grow, and it doesn't have to be really
a thing now sometimes it is, but it doesn't always
have to be a thing.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Right, Yeah, I love that the permission right to grow,
because I was What I was going to add is
that growing in different directions also doesn't mean that either
of you have done anything wrong. And oftentimes that's how
we see growth. I've outgrown you, so I'm up here
and you're down there versus. People grow at different paces
for different reasons, are navigating very different things. Even as
(07:35):
much as you know somebody, they are your you know ABC,
but it doesn't mean that you know internally all that
they are navigating. So you can grow at different paces,
and it just means that you're in different places and
spaces if you do want to remain in a relationship
with them, right, it means that this might now require
some work to find what's still there in this relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Or connection, and that can be different.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
We might have been the friends who did this and
this and this together and I saw you every Friday
and we talk every morning, and you know, we did
this on Sundays. And now you might be the friend
that we do Sunday brunches or we check in, or
we might turn into the friends where we just DM
each other funny stuff on social media. Right, but we
are still connected and that's still okay. Nobody has to
(08:16):
have done anything wrong. If you do notice that the
that the growing in a different way or different direction
or different pace does come with some conflict, it is
an opportunity, right, for some kind of conversation around that.
You know, I talk to clients and people about there's
different ways to move, right. We don't have to have
a conversation with everybody. Right. That is a choice point.
(08:36):
It doesn't mean I'll owe nobody no explanation. It doesn't
mean that, right, we can still talk to some people
through some things that are going on with us. And again,
depending on the relationship, we can just move differently, right,
which means the relationship will by default move differently if
we just do different things. If I'm not as available
on Fridays, it means that we're no longer the Friday friends. Right,
(08:57):
If I keep saying no to that, So you have
to different options. It really depends on what kind of
work you want to do and the discernment between there's
work that I want to do in this relationship and
I really want to let you know because I really
want to preserve.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Something, or there's work that I really don't.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Feel like doing in this relationship. So I'm just gonna
move differently, all right, So you get to choose.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Thank you for that. And I think you know something
else that's important, picking up on a thread that both
of you shared. I think sometimes when we feel like this, oh,
I grew them, it's almost like a pride kind of thing,
and it's like, well, did you outgrow them? Or are
you kind of be in a jerk right now? Right
like you know? And so I think it is important
to think about, like, Okay, is there some growth that
(09:40):
we all can do to preserve the relationship as opposed
to I'm doing this now and I'm leaving you behind,
because I think that activates a different kind of conversation
versus we can grow together.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
And maybe you grew first, right, and so because you
learn this and you're moving this way, and if you
don't separate from me, I can grow too, and so
then we are going to get so thank.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
You, okay. Third question, what happens when you see a
former friend or former partner posting online about you and
it's not accurate? How do you navigate that? Some fact checking?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Some fact checking?
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So I think I would thought by thinking about like
is it who is it important that it's accurate? For yep, right,
you know, so you know that it's not the truth.
So what need do you feel to like prove someone
else that it was not the truth? Like can they
just be wrong by themselves or do you feel the
need to come out and say like, hey, I saw
you say this thing and it wasn't accurate.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Right, and no response it's also a response, it is.
And so sometimes you post stuff and it's just like, really,
I know the truth and you know the truth, but
I'm not even going to say anything about it, Like
why do I need to go and now try to
prove or you know, debunk that.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, I don't know when it was, but I made
a post just about this that tells you know, sometimes
peace looks like letting people be wrong about you.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Yeah, I think can be wrong. Right.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
What we were talking about before is if I feel
you know, grounded, if I feel connected, if I feel
good about myself, if I feel good about what's going
on around me, it's gonna matter less other people's narrative
of you because other people are allowed to have other narratives.
What happens in that scenario is that we want to
control how people view us, and we want to control
people's stories about us. And it's the acceptance and the
(11:32):
realization that we can't control for that, and it's really uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
The piece that it's really really.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Uncomfortable when someone has a narrative of you that feels
like it mischaracterizes you, and it feels like it's misaligned
with who you want to be or how you show
up in the world.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
But they get to have their own story about you.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
It's about you being able to release that level of
control around it. And you also can't control if other
people believe their story about you.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Right. But it really does take a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Of work to separate yourself from that and not try
to control. I can understand wanting to control it, but
also differentiating that between I get to control it. You
need to take that down. You need to tell them
the truth. It would be nice, but they don't have
to do that. How are you going to take care
of yourself if and when there's a story out there
that doesn't ring true for you?
Speaker 1 (12:16):
More from our conversation after the break Why do friendship
breakups sometimes hurt more than romantic ones? How do I
make friends in a new city? Is it true that
women can't actually be good friends to one another. I'm
exploring all of these questions and so much more in
my book, Sisterhood Heels, now available in paperback at your
(12:41):
local independent bookstore or at sisterhood Heels dot com. Grab
a copy for you and your girls, and let's talk
about it. So this next question is about birthdays, and
(13:01):
I feel something stirring in my.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Spirit because it feels like there has been a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Of conversation about birthdays and I'm wondering what's happening. Like
a part of what want My working theory is that
there are so few opportunities for us to like be
celebrated that we then put all of this energy and
like expectation on birthdays. But I'm curious to hear if
y'all have other thoughts. But the question is what is
(13:32):
the etiquette around posting embarrassing or ugly photos of friends
on their birthdays on the birthday, on their birthday, or
maybe as a part of the birthday celebration.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
So wait a minute, your friend has this unattractive picture
of you and they decide to bring it up.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
So I'm guessing that you know, like maybe we are
all out celebrating your birthday and then I pick a
picture where I pick a picture where I look cute,
but you don't, even though it's your birthday.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
So that explains to me why people post that last
picture where you know it's your birthday and you've got
your whole photo shoot. It's like when you start to
repost post this one right, yeah, now got it? Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
So there isn't a standard etiquette. The etiquette is something
that's established between you and those people who are doing this.
So I don't know if that is something that is
a tradition or prank. I don't know who asked the
question about, so I don't know what that's about in
terms of posting it on your birthday.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
As we were naming before.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
If it is something that is uncomfortable with you, you
get you have a right to address it and say
that makes me uncomfortable. You can ask people to take
that down. If they don't, that leaves you with another
decision about what's going on in that connection or relationship
or friendship. If that is a trend, then that gives
you an opportunity to set a different kind of boundary.
If that is what you do when we are on birthdays,
(14:52):
or when you're with me on my birthday, maybe you
don't get to be with me on my birthday anymore, right,
Or if that's so, there's there's something that's going to
lead to some kind of boundary around that. But I
would recommend expressing your feelings and then making an actual request.
We oftentimes confuse that we think that because I said
I didn't like it, you should not.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Do it, Versus I.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Can say I didn't like it and ask you to
do something different and then see what data I get back.
If I don't like the data I get back, then
I can set.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
A different boundary around this.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
But if you notice that when you are with someone
they do a thing that you don't like, you have
the opportunity to stop being with them, versus focusing on
them not doing the thing that they keep doing in
your face on your birthday.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Like, there's some options.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
But we do know that beauty unless it's just like
a real picture where it's like come on, now, come on,
you posted that one. But beauty is in the eye
the beholder, right, So I don't know if you think that, hey,
I like you know that's a cute picture of me,
And so if you're my friend, you have this picture
of me, we have pictures together, right. I just really
would like to believe that as friends, you can tell
me like, hey, you know I don't really like that picture, girl,
(15:54):
Can you post this one instead? I don't have a
problem with you posting me and posting me on my birthday.
And actually here are some other ones where you are
in it too, if you want to post, can you
post that one? And of course like getting the data,
but why can't I ask you to not post that
picture or to take that picture down, or I don't
like how I look in that picture?
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Right? Right?
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Because we're friends, right.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
If we are, well, I understand that one.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
That would be I think that's what's throwing me out
because we're friends. I don't know why you post that,
but if you do post it, I feel like I
should be able to tell you like, hey, I don't
like that picture, yeah, and then waiting for the data
that comes back. If you refuse to take it down
on my birthday.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
We have a different decision to make.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, Okay, here's our next question. How do I make
the move to transition an online friendship to an in
real life friendship.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I've done that before.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
So I feel like inherent in this question is how
do I avoid the risk of rejection if I ask
them to do something in real life?
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
So maybe that's what we can speak to is how
do you kind of show yourself up for the possibility
to be rejected?
Speaker 4 (17:03):
Yeah. One, I was going to give a suggestion of
how you could even start, because I think sometimes we
can go like way too strong. But if I've had
this friendship with you online and we've been talking and
I kind of know what you like, what I like,
we can probably go to an event or something together,
so that the risk of rejection is still possible in
any situation, but it's a lower risk of rejection. And
(17:24):
so oh, I saw that Therapy for Black Girls was
having a live podcast, and so I see that you
follow them too, You've been liking the post or whatever
I plan to go? Do you plan to go? Or
what you like to go together? So something where it
doesn't feel like, hey, do you want to have coffee
with me? And it's like or whatever. So I would say,
how do we lower the risk of rejection? Yeah, because
(17:45):
it's a real thing too, Like I I mean to
feel some anxiety, It is not a bad thing, right,
I want I enjoyed this conversation. I think we have
a lot in common, and I want to see we
can meet in person. Like Okay, if that's that's anxiety provoken.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Yeah, absolutely I would. I would think about ways in
which to stagger the risk. Right, Inherently, there's going to
be a risk in making yourself vulnerable because and the
vulnerability is in I don't know if this person wants
the same thing absolutely that I want. That's inherent there, right,
So if it is something that feels rewarding enough for
you that you're so interested in this person, it is
about kind of looking at what are different ways in
(18:17):
which this risk could look. So it could look like,
you know, inviting to an event that seems like a
shared thing. Maybe you all have been talking, maybe you've
been sharing you know, therapy for Black Girls posts, and
then now there's this.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Event coming up.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Sometimes it can just be the transparency that says, oh
my goodness, I feel like we would be such good
friends of real.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
Life, just saying that and seeing what happens.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Right, again, it's still risky and you're not inviting them
to anything, right, So it's a different level of proposed
or kind of potential rejection, but just naming right that
sometimes you think about that and you kind of wonder
about that in some way. There can be different ways,
like I said, whether it be in an event that's
already coming up, or it can be that risk to
ask them to coffee or asking them to do something.
(18:57):
It really depends on again, how you're able to show
yourself up in terms of taking those risks. As adults,
we know it's harder to make friendships. We are concerned
about rejection, we're concerned about seeming you know, creepy.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
We don't know how to translate right people from your
online persona to what's going on in real life. But
it's still about asking and getting curious do they want
the same thing? Are they interested in that? And seeing
what they say they might say no, and then you
get to decide do I want to keep up what
we've been doing online in terms of DMS or whichever
it is. And then still kind of if you want
(19:29):
to source other people, depending on where you're living or
kind of where you're located, you can still try that
with some other people, but it is always going to
involve some level of a risk.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
What are your thoughts on deleting pictures you have of
an ex boom our friend after the relationship has ended.
The crowd is saying deleted.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I have thoughts.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Yeah, here we go.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
So deleting, deleting past relationships that you are no longer
and so whether it be romantic or platonic, that's a
personal decision. Yeah, that's a personal decision. And again it's
going back to this self awareness is reflection. What's my
motivation to do this? Is it that I am deleting
this because I have some level of embarrassment or shame
(20:24):
that something didn't work out, and I don't want people
to know that. That's very different than so I don't
know if I can cuss some I can't cuss some
things happened, and I don't want to be reminded of this.
So I get to take this off of my feed,
I get to archive it, I get to delete the
photos because I don't want these reminders showing up in
some way. I don't want the time hop from Facebook
telling me five years ago, oh look, there's your traumatic
(20:48):
relationship showing back up, like I don't want that, so
so I might want to take those kind of pictures
or those videos or things like that down.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
But I think it is about your motivation.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Are you in bad about something, are you trying to
hide something in some way and just thinking about what
that's about for you.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
In reality, you have a choice.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
You don't have to put any or keep anything on
your feed that you don't want to be on there,
but it would just be interesting data for you to
reflect on.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Why.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Yeah, no, I agree, it's a personal preference.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right.
Speaker 4 (21:18):
Just because I may not be your friend now does
not mean that, you know, I didn't enjoy the friendship
that we had. And of course, if it's triggering for
me to see the pictures every time I go on
my feed, it's a lot of pictures I'm starting to
feel really sad about the loss of the relationship or
the friendship, then of course you may want to archive
those or delete those. But I mean, just because we're
not cool now does not mean it doesn't take away
(21:39):
anything from when we were really close friends. And that's
all this is is a timeline of like what was
going on now the relationships in terms of intimate partner
relationships are different. If I'm going to be triggered every
single time I log on, because all that's when we
went to Italy and all, here's another one. I mean,
you get to is that what you want to see
every time you log on? If it's doing some it's
(22:00):
your personal page. If it's doing something to you for
you that you don't like, then get rid of it.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Yeah, what power are you giving over to this image
or this memory? Just for you to reflect on.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
More from our conversation after the break. So this is
not a question for the audience. This is my follow
up question to what y'all have said. So if you
are going back to the content creation question, if you
are like a mommy blogger or a family blogger, and
(22:34):
let's say there's a breakup or a divorce, is there
an obligation to then make a post about the dissolution
of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
An obligation from your brand partnership that's paying you to post,
or from your audience, from your audience.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
From your audience, Oh, I have many things to say,
go ahead.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
I don't know if it's an obligation, but I think
that if I support you, I'm a big fan of you,
if you guys have mutually decided to separate, you can
put out a statement, but I don't. I have difficulty
when it becomes like, oh, I owe you something. I mean,
you decided to follow me. I appreciate it. You have
been you know, you've clicked on these little links or whatever.
I appreciate it. But I don't know if I owe
(23:17):
you anything. But I think because I appreciate the fact
that you followed us and you have helped to make
us this big, I probably would say, from the goodness
and kindness of my heart, I'm gonna let you know
that this is a no longer. We are no longer
a week. But I don't know about being obligated. You
have to tell me.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, the issue comes up with the entitlement, right. That's
because and I've seen the different posts that if you're
gonna show me this, you have to show me this.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
I'm invested now.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Right, So I knew on vacation, I saw this, I
saw the baby grow up, I saw all these things, like,
you need to let me know what is happening because
I've invested this time. But that's that's on you, right,
That's that parasocial relationship dynamic, so I can understand a
desire to kind of keep people in real time.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Right with what is going on with you.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
And sometimes people do that just to hold off on
any questions because you're not going to see this person
post it anymore. You're not going to see this kind
of content anymore. So let me just let you know
now to not ask about this. This is what has happened,
but being mindful of that sense of entitlement that comes
when people believe that they are oh different parts of
your life versus seeing that you have autonomy. And this
is a curated page. Even if you're not a big
(24:24):
influencer or blogger, this is still curated based on what
I feel like posting. So for the people who feel
entitled to that, it's about you doing your own grieving
around not knowing what's going on with somebody who you
also kind of don't know anyway, that's your work to do,
and you.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Can talk to you about it, like you say, what's
going on, like I don't know what's going on there?
Like what happened?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Keep it right there, don't go to that person's page
and say, well, you need to let me know I
haven't seen this happen in three weeks?
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Where are they? Where are they?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Like?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Where are your Sunday photos? Right?
Speaker 2 (24:53):
So that's something you can process amongst yourselves versus demanding,
right that people provide you updates to their lives.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
The purpose of the group chat, the purpose of the
roop chat. Get yourself a group chat?
Speaker 4 (25:04):
Yeah yeah, okay?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Next question? Is it always shady when people post videos
of themselves crying on Instagram? This question is is it
trying to get the teeth?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Is it shady? Is it shady?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Is it shady when people post videos of themselves crying shade?
Speaker 3 (25:25):
So shady is a loaded word. We don't know what
they are shade. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
Yeah, people get to pick and choo.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
The shady throws me off. I wouldn't call it shady.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
But people get to pick and choose how they want
to express themselves on their page. Right, you don't have
to like it. We don't have to like it. It
may be something that you would not do for me.
I cannot imagine being really upset and being really sad
and take my camera and saying, let me film this.
But but it's okay. Some people do it. They may
(26:05):
want to remember this moment or We talked earlier about vulnerability, right,
and so letting you know, like, hey, you may have
seen me, and you see all of this other stuff
that I do, but I'm having a really really rough
day and hey, I'm letting you see this side of
me too, and so really just trying to live in
this space of no judgment. They decided to do it,
that's them. What does their car tier crying thing have
to do with me? Yeah, so I don't know if it's.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Shade, yeah, shady shady the word shady's throwing out. But
I do recognize that there is a there are mixed
messages when it comes to social media, because on the
one hand, we say be vulnerable, like show your real life,
like don't always show me the highlight reel, and then
when somebody shows you the low lights, you're just like,
why are you crying on on?
Speaker 3 (26:46):
You don't need to be on here.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
You need to do this and save that for this,
and that should only be in your private stuff. So
it's also about again this we have to think about
how complex and how complicated and how dynamic it is
to show up on social media in these ways that
can be someone practicing a level of vulnerability. Sometimes that
kind of vulnerability does bring a lot of validation to
other people to see, Oh, you're struggling with something that
(27:10):
I cry about and I didn't think that anyone else
cries about this thing, right, So it can actually be
really meaningful if someone else sees that. Again, it really
depends on are what is your motivation right for showing
up in that way?
Speaker 3 (27:22):
What are you experiencing and doing.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
That, What kind of feedback are you getting? And can
you handle that and can you manage that?
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Right?
Speaker 2 (27:29):
But again, social media, you're going to see all different things,
so we can't say that we don't only want the highlights,
we want real people. And then when the reality of
the human experience shows up, we say we don't want
that either.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
So we're talking about the difference between being vulnerable and oversharing,
and the difference, like the little fine line is what
is the expectation of the post? Right? If I'm being vulnerable,
I want you to see and want you to be
able to connect to want you to understand like this
is what this real looks like. Want you to be
able to relate to me. That's one thing. It's also
different when it's like Okay, I'm oversharing. I want your
(28:01):
sympathy and a whole bunch of other stuff. And so
what's the expectation behind like the post? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Okay, final question, how do I know? How do I
communicate to a friend that they record our interactions too much?
Speaker 4 (28:21):
You have the language, you just said it.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So I feel uncomfortable with how much our interactions are recorded.
And again there's a difference between expressing how you feel
and asking them to do something different. All Right, I
feel uncomfortable with how much you record and post our
interactions together. I'd love for some of those to remain private.
Can you post less? Can you not post at all
(28:48):
the things that happen between us?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Right?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
You got to pair it with those two things, how
I'm feeling about it and what you actually want to
be different, and then you get data based on how
they respond.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
That's completely But you have the language. Yeah, you just
said it. You have the language. It's what's the feeling,
and then what do you want as a result of
the feeling. People will respond to how this action makes
you feel. So if you're not judgmental, you are always posting,
you're not coming in critical so that you don't get
that energy back. It is what is the feeling that
you feel right and what do you want the action
to be just instead? And I ask you to turn
(29:20):
that thing all the way down to not video, not posting,
or you know, can you wait until the very end
of our dates together.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And on the other side of that, I'll always talk
about like when you are wanting to kind of set
boundaries in a certain way and kind of ask for
things to be different. Also think about how you also
respond to other people's boundaries. Right, So we want to
say no and stop doing this and stop doing this,
But do you respect other people's boundaries? Do you get defensive?
Do you tell people that they're doing this or this
or this right when they want things to change in
(29:49):
the relationship. That'll give you also a gauge right in
terms of this relationship, how do we respect others each
other's needs right as those needs might change over time.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Well, thank you ladies for answering all of our questions.
Thank y'all for your incredible questions.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I'm so glad Doctor Ayana and doctor Joy were able
to join me for this event. It was tons of fun.
We cannot wait to do it again to learn more
about them and the work that they're doing. Be sure
to visit the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot
com slash live show questions, and don't forget to text
this episode to two of your girls right now and
tell them to check it out. If you're looking for
(30:32):
a therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at
Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And if you
want to continue digging into this topic or just be
a community with other sisters, come on over and join
us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of
the Internet designed just for black women. You can join
us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. This
(30:55):
episode was produced by Elis Ellis and Zaria Taylor. Editing
was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much
for joining me for this bonus episode. We'll be back
on Wednesday with our regular episodes. Until then, take good care.
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