January 28, 2026 • 25 mins
We hope you’ve enjoyed our January Jumpstart series so far, and that you’ve been able to step into the new year with ease and intention. To wrap up the series, we're excited to share a few conversations that we had with some amazing women. Today, we’re talking about identity. You’ll hear from Nina Westbrook, LMFT and Oludara Adeeyo, LCSW on what it looks like to ask yourself, “Who am I?” and begin to search for the answers.
About the Podcast
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Resources & Announcements
If this episode resonated, JOIN US ON PATREON for a deeper conversation on getting clearer on who you are and what you value.
Where to Find Our Guests
Oludara Adeeyo, LCSW
IG - @oludaraadeeyo
Website - oludaraadeeyo.com
Nina Westbrook, LMFT
IG - @ninawestbrook
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Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Gabrielle Collins
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Producers: Tyree Rush & Ndeye Thioubou
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four forty eight of the
Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our
conversation after word from our sponsors. If you're listening to this,
it means that we are almost a month into twenty
(01:18):
twenty six. Time really flies, doesn't it. I hope you've
enjoyed our January Jumpstart series so far, and that you've
been able to step into the new year with needs
and intention. To wrap up this series, I'm excited to
share a few conversations that I've had with amazing women.
Today we're talking about identity. You'll hear from Nina Westbrook
(01:39):
and Oludhara Adio on what it looks like to ask
yourself who am I really and begin to search for
the answers. If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation,
please share with us on social media using the hashtag
TVG in session or join us over in our patreons
talk more about the episode. You can join us at
(01:59):
Community not Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. Let's dive in.
When the work you do is close to the heart,
how do you protect it? Knowing when it's a quiet
you professional instincts and let your personal self take the
lead isn't always easy. I spoke with therapists and wellness
advocate Nina Westbrook about what drew her to the field,
(02:22):
and she shared why setting boundaries is essential when your
work is deeply human centered. Her reflections are a reminder
that it's okay not to be everything to everyone and
that caring for others starts with making sure your own
cup isn't empty. So tell us what actually inspired you
to become a therapist?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Ooh oh man, Okay, So I feel like a lot
of our stories are quite similar. I feel like being.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
A therapist is more about who I am and the
purpose I sort of serve, oftentimes in my own community.
I grew up with three brothers and my parents were divorced,
though they worked quite well together raising us, but I
always felt a sense of responsibility, and I always felt
(03:10):
like I was pretty good at managing life with three
brothers and being mature and helping my friends navigate through
whatever they were going through.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
In their lives.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
And I kind of just became that sounding board for
a lot of people naturally. And so I thought I
wanted to be a writer, and I studied English in
undergrad at UCLA.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
I quickly found out that was not my journey.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I stuck with it.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I finished, but I added clinical psychology to the fold,
and I learned that this is what I really enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I knew when I was in school and class and
I loved my professors.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I loved going It didn't feel hard, it didn't feel
like school, just felt like right. So that's when I
made the full shift and really pursued my licensure. And
now I get to do what I love every day.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So you mentioned that so much of it is who
you became as a therapist kind of who you are
as a person. And I am sure that that has
led to some having to set some boundaries around like, yes,
I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist, especially maybe
in family or with friends. How have you resisted the
pool to kind of be the strong one or like
the guide in the circles that you find yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know what the boundary had to come from me.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
I had to set my own boundary for myself not
to insert myself into other people's problems or other people's
challenges when I wasn't asked. I think it's hard sometimes
to sit back and watch people navigate different relationships or
(04:56):
challenges and kind of feel like you have something of
value to add or some wisdom to share, but know
that you weren't asked, and so you should probably just
sit and relax and be a sounding.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
Board or whatever it is that person would need you
to be in that moment.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
So for me, it's more about like taking that, turning
that off, because like I said, I'm naturally I'm a
problem solver and I like to just take things head on,
and a lot of that kind of came from I
think my background in sports. Also, I used to be
a basketball player, and at the collegiate level, I think
(05:35):
solving problems and putting a lot of effort and just
focusing on what to do to get to where we
wanted to be rather than focusing on the thing that's
keeping us from getting where.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
We want to be are reaching our goals.
Speaker 5 (05:52):
I think that has been the biggest thing for me.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I actually love diving really deep into conversation and I
love when people feel safe enough to open up with me.
I just came from a coffee this morning where we
were having a pretty deep conversation and it was with
someone completely new that I just had coffee with for
the first time, and we got right on in there.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
And I prefer that.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
I prefer to just have meaningful and pactful conversations because
life is like fast, everything's moving so fast, we don't
have a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
So I'm all for it. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So have you found that setting the boundary of like
not offering unsolicited advice and feedback has led to people
asking you for it more or left.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
The only people I would give unsolicited advice to were
my husband, my mom my kids. Like I tend to
have decent boundaries around telling other people what I think
that are not in my home.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
So.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I feel like it was more so let me not
come off as the no with all mom who is
constantly trying to I had to learn to let my
children or let other people experience things for themselves because
I can't tell them everything right.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
There has to be some trial and error. So for me,
it was more.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
About when to intervene and when to say something or
speak up versus when to let the natural consequences take place.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
More from our conversation after the break, when I listened
to Nina's reflections on the lesson She's learned the hard way,
one thing becomes clear. Boundaries didn't just help her survive
a demanding season of life. They helped her step further
(07:47):
into herself. Motherhood brought clarity, but it also revealed parts
of herself she hadn't fully embraced before. Here's Nina, and
she speaks honestly about what else motherhood introduced her to
and how those this reshaped the way she shows up
for herself and others. I want to hear you talk
more about it is like, what other parts of yourself
do you feel like you were introduced to as a
(08:09):
result of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Oh Man, more boundaries.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
There's a conversation around boundaries that is happening right now
that I actually really like this discussion between boundaries and
rules and a lot of people misunderstanding and misinterpreting what
a boundary actually is. And so I'm not talking about rules.
I'm talking about boundaries, and I just want.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
To be clear about that.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
But I think that I became a person who was
willing to just say no and not care as much.
So a lot of that people pleasing nature that some
of us carry around in our youth that completely melted
away for me, and I became someone who.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Was confident in my nose.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
I've actually been complimented many times about the kindness and
the compassion and the way that I'm able to say
no and make it sound like a yes, but it's
a no, like very gently, very nicely, but very firm
(09:21):
and clear at the same time.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
And I really that, I really that makes me.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Really happy, because it's a big thing for me who
someone who wants to always be on and taking care
and supporting. So learning to say no and do it
in a way that makes me feel feel good about
myself has been a journey for me.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah. So you're talking about this very effortlessly and beautifully,
but I'm sure it was not an easy process. And
I know people listening are like, oh my god, teach
me how, Nina. So what do you feel like led
to the path for you to actually get to this
place where you're able to say no in very gentle way?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Man, I feel like I've lived a lot of life.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
I just turned thirty seven, and I feel like I've
lived so much life already, and I've just been through
a lot of experiences where I wasn't quite putting my
needs first or putting my feelings first.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And I learned the.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Hard way that if I wasn't going to do that,
then no one else would. And so I just learned
to speak up for myself more. And I learned that
I do have a tendency to build up and grow
resentment if I do things that I don't want to do,
and I don't want to have that.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
I want to be free spirited, I want to be happy.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
I want to feel light.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I don't want to carry so much because life is
moving quickly. Like I said, I have three kids, two
seven year old and one eight year old.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
We're running around and.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Day to day doing all the activities. I'm keeping up
with my work, I'm trying to keep up with my marriage.
I don't have time for extra weight on me at
this phase in my life. So I had to learn
how to release that, and I had to learn the
hard way, through lots of tears and trial and error.
And I think that having my children gave me the
(11:15):
confidence to really put things in perspective, because I felt
like it ordered for me to be the best that
I can and have the most amount of patients with
my own children, and have the most amount of patience
in my relationships with.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
My friends and my family.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I had to be emotionally well and I had to
be light. And so I feel like it's a decision
making trade. If doing something is going to make drain
me and to the point where I'm not able to
take care of myself, if I'm not able to prioritize
(11:53):
the things that I want to prioritize, then I can
easily say now and feel good about it. But it
definitely took me some years and a lot of stress
and resentment and kind of just feeling sorry or sad
for myself and probably some regrets that led me to
(12:15):
want to really consider each choice that I was making
and making sure I was doing it for me and
that it wasn't going to be something that I was
going to regret later. In any way, I try to
really say true to my little decision making tree.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I feel like so many people have the same story
of like not knowing until we both buy his right,
Like I had to learn the hard way. If there
is a way for you to maybe share some wisdom
with our listeners so that they don't have to learn
the hard way about how to prioritize themselves and set
better boundaries, what would you share, you know what?
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Like you doctor Joy, I think what I'm trying to
do is share all of my speriences through my different
platforms and the knowledge that I have. And I think
that I had to suffer an injury and be immobile
and in excruciating pain for months on in before I
(13:16):
actually decided to prioritize my health because I was just going,
I was just doing too much, And it wasn't until
I realized once I was down and out, I was
down for the count that other people were stepping up.
I feel like the biggest lesson that I learned, and
(13:36):
all of that is the world's going to keep spinning
whether I am there or not, whether I am doing
drop off or pick up or not, whether I am
at a dinner party or not.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Like everything is going to keep going.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
I'm just a.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Very tiny little part of the system.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
And I think that what that taught me is that
I have to be the one to prioritize myself and
I have to be the one who's in charge of
my own happiness and taking charge and control over my
life and the way that I wanted it to look.
(14:18):
And I think it's hard for a lot of people
because we have so many responsibilities. And I think one
of the things that we all miss sometimes is how
implementing really small changes and really small things into our
days that are actually truly tangible, but just prioritizing them
and creating consistency.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
In our health and wellness routine.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Taking a little bit.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Of time off for ourselves each morning, maybe by waking
up a little bit earlier and having some quiet time,
meditation time, not reaching for our phone the first thing
we do when you get at These are all small
ways we can take care of ourselves and just eating.
Speaker 6 (14:58):
Meals proper meal at the proper time, and making sure
we're energizing our bodies and getting outside for a fresher
breatha or when we can.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
I think that people overestimate what it looks like to
take care of yourself, and I think we can look
at social media and you see all these really extravagant
ways people are taking care of themselves, or these extravagant
ideas of self care. But really self care is in.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
A small moments and the daily habits that we create.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
And for anyone looking to improve in their mental health
and wellness or even physical wellness, I think just having
a steady routine and being.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Disciplined will take you a very long way.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
It doesn't take a whole lot, just a little bit
of time and dedication.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
It was so nice to hear Nita speak so transparently
about the lesson's motherhood taught her, especially the journey toward
honoring her own needs and setting boundaries with compassion. I
think it's especially important to acknowledge that as we dig
into who we really are, will come across pieces of
ourselves that we once knew to be true but now
are evolving and asking to be reimagined or at least revisited,
(16:10):
and though that expansion of identity lends to growth, it
is totally normal to experience grief when you lay old
parts of yourself to rest. I spoke with therapis an
author Oludara Dio, who shared a thoughtful perspective on embracing
personal change while extending compassion to the virgins of yourself
that came before. You know, whether it is related to
online stuff or just in general. When we are thinking
(16:33):
about moving away from some identity that maybe has been
important and then you realize like, okay, this is not
actually who I want to be anymore, or I actually
don't believe these things anymore, and now it's time for
a shift, there is still typically some grief and some
warning that happens with stepping away from one identity and
kind of moving into another one. Can you talk about
(16:53):
navigating that grief, because I think that feels different for
a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
You know, that is so real. A lot of what
happens in the grief I think also needs to be
there needs to be like forgiveness, less judgment, because you
don't know what you don't know, and we are allowed
to evolve and grow and change. And I think sometimes
we're so out there on social media and we feel
(17:18):
like the world is watching everything we're doing. We're like, oh,
we have to maintain who we are for other people.
And then again, that's you not being in touch with
your intuition. You're not tapped into yourself. You've pulled away
from your own source, which is yourself now that you're
in a probably in a different space, and you're realizing, Okay,
(17:38):
this is not the person I want to be, this
is not who I am anymore. You have to really
give yourself some grace even maybe forgive yourself be like, Okay,
this is not who I am anymore, and I am
allowing yourself to just be different. I'm allowed to be
a different person than I was two days ago. You know,
I'm allowed to be someone else. I can always evolve
and it's okay. And I think think that also allows
(18:01):
us to like give other people grace and give them
the grace to really just evolve. And I think sometimes
we're uncomfortable with wanting to grief because it can feel heavy,
it can feel hard, but it's something that is a
part of life.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, And I think you know, we are just now
starting to even have conversations around grief related to anything
that isn't death, right, Like even the idea of like
grief and loss related to like identity, Like, I feel
like it's a very new conversation for people, right, and
so we don't do well with grief conversations altogether. But
I think when we get into these like smaller or
maybe what isn't described as like your typical grief, then
(18:40):
I think that that is even more difficult for people.
And so I think even being able to label something
and name it as a loss, I think it's still
new for people. Like grief, times of transition require intentional
self care practices. When life shifts, our nervous systems often
need more support, not less, even if we don't always
realize it in the moment. Creating space to slow down
(19:04):
check in intent to yourself can help you move through
change with more clarity and compassion. Seasons of transition aren't
about fixing, but listening to your needs. Here's Olodaro sharing
a few ways that she grounds and cares for herself
in these moments. I know a lot of your work
is around like self care, specifically for black women, Right,
(19:24):
and you do a lot of promoting around like rituals
and kind of daily practices. What are some of the
daily practices and maybe small things that people can maybe
don't even consider that you think they could think about
to add to their daily practices.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
Yes, what is your sleep routine? I think sleep is very,
very important, and I think sometimes we may neglect it.
So I definitely absolutely encourage figuring out, Okay, am I
going to bed at the same time? If I'm not
going to bed at the same time, how can I
work that to the better. I would also say, like
(19:58):
what is my che community? Like, Okay, what does that
look like? Do I not have friends? Do I need
to start that action of making more friends? Because you know,
building community does take work. So and I also think
community helps with like self care because we need each other.
Really evaluating what does my community look like and how
do I want it to grow? Do I want to
(20:20):
pour more into the people in my life? And also
finding some enjoyment, like what brings me joy? It could
be anything from watching your favorite TV show to go
into a concert to finding a new hobby. What's going
to bring me joy? What's going to bring me joy?
And how do I activate that how do I lean
more into that?
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So you've mentioned a couple of times how important like
being quiet and grounding, and it sounds like journaling is
really important to you. I know that's something that a
lot of your books have been about. Are there one
or two journal prompts that you can offer for somebody
who maybe is in this stage of life or figuring
out like who I am, what's NIX, where's this journey
taking me?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
One I would encourage an affirmation of like I'm allowed
to create the life that I love or I'm allowed
to create a life on my own terms. And also
ask yourself, Okay, what do I want and really answer that,
not thinking about a parent, not thinking about a family
(21:22):
member or a friend or anyone really asks herself, what
do I want my life to look like? Write down
what that looks like? Whatever it is, however big you
may think it may be, or out of touch or
out of reach, like, just write it down and go
from there. I think there's something powerful about seeing like
what you want to accomplish, and then you can allow
(21:44):
yourself to really maybe begin to visualize and work towards
those goals.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
More from our conversation after the break One of the
through lines of our January Jumpstart series this year was metamorphosis,
and as we embrace transformation, we also need to be
(22:09):
intentional about what we want to protect and hold closely
to us. I ask both of these women what they're
protecting more fiercely in twenty twenty six. Here's what Oludara
had to say.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
I have been on a journey of trying to get
back on a regular sleep schedule. I had fallen into
burnout a couple of years, and now that I'm like,
I really feel like I'm really recovering from burnout. My
sleep schedule has been really bad, but I'm like, I
(22:41):
am going to figure that I'm going to be going
to bed before one am.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I love Olodara's answer. I think we could all use
a little bit more protection of our sleep. I also
appreciated Nina's insightful response.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Ooh, protecting more fiercely.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
I was in protective modes last year.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
I feel like and I was recently having a conversation
with Debbie Brown on her podcast about the fact that
I just feel free.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I feel like I don't need to protect so much.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I feel like I'm ready to be very open and
I'm ready to explore and take on opportunities without fear
and without self doubt. I'm more open, less protective at
this phase of my life.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
As we wrap up today's conversation, I hope you're feeling
a little more permission to honor yourself at all stages.
Who you are, who you've been, and who you will
grow to be. Identity is not a destination. It's a
process that evolves alongside our experiences, our relationships, and the
seasons of our lives. Throughout all of my conversations with
(23:55):
these women, one sentiment that continued to ring true was
the importance of me yourself with curiosity and compassion instead
of judgment. Whether it was Nina reminding us of the
power of setting boundaries or Oludara naming the grief that
can come with growth, each perspective affirm that transition doesn't
have to mean that you're lost. Transition means you're becoming,
(24:18):
and becoming requires patience, gentleness, and a willingness to listen
to yourself as you move through your own moments of reflection.
I invite you to check in with yourself this week.
What parts of you are asking to be revisited, What
needs tending, rest or expression right now, and what does
(24:39):
it look like to support yourself through that in a
healthy way. I'm so grateful to these women for their conversations.
To learn more about them and their work, make sure
to visit the show notes that Therapy from Blackgirls dot
com SA Session four forty eight, and don't forget to
text this episode to two of your girls right now
and tell them to check it out. Did you know
(24:59):
that you could leave us a voicemail with your questions
or suggestion for the podcast. If you want to suggest
movies or books for us to review, or have thoughts
about topics you'd like to hear, drop us a message
at memo dot fm, slash Therapy for Black Girls and
let us know what's on your mind. You just might
feature it on the podcast. If you're looking for a
therapists near area, visit our therapist directory at Therapy for
(25:21):
Blackgirls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to follow us
on Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. And if you're
interested in more exclusive updates and behind the scenes content,
come on over and join us in our Patreon. You
can join us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
This episode was produced by Alice Ellis, Indy Tubu, and
Tyrie Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all
(25:45):
so much for joining me again this week. I look
forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.
Take good care,
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four forty eight of the
Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our
conversation after word from our sponsors. If you're listening to this,
it means that we are almost a month into twenty
(01:18):
twenty six. Time really flies, doesn't it. I hope you've
enjoyed our January Jumpstart series so far, and that you've
been able to step into the new year with needs
and intention. To wrap up this series, I'm excited to
share a few conversations that I've had with amazing women.
Today we're talking about identity. You'll hear from Nina Westbrook
(01:39):
and Oludhara Adio on what it looks like to ask
yourself who am I really and begin to search for
the answers. If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation,
please share with us on social media using the hashtag
TVG in session or join us over in our patreons
talk more about the episode. You can join us at
(01:59):
Community not Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. Let's dive in.
When the work you do is close to the heart,
how do you protect it? Knowing when it's a quiet
you professional instincts and let your personal self take the
lead isn't always easy. I spoke with therapists and wellness
advocate Nina Westbrook about what drew her to the field,
(02:22):
and she shared why setting boundaries is essential when your
work is deeply human centered. Her reflections are a reminder
that it's okay not to be everything to everyone and
that caring for others starts with making sure your own
cup isn't empty. So tell us what actually inspired you
to become a therapist?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Ooh oh man, Okay, So I feel like a lot
of our stories are quite similar. I feel like being.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
A therapist is more about who I am and the
purpose I sort of serve, oftentimes in my own community.
I grew up with three brothers and my parents were divorced,
though they worked quite well together raising us, but I
always felt a sense of responsibility, and I always felt
(03:10):
like I was pretty good at managing life with three
brothers and being mature and helping my friends navigate through
whatever they were going through.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
In their lives.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
And I kind of just became that sounding board for
a lot of people naturally. And so I thought I
wanted to be a writer, and I studied English in
undergrad at UCLA.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
I quickly found out that was not my journey.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I stuck with it.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I finished, but I added clinical psychology to the fold,
and I learned that this is what I really enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I knew when I was in school and class and
I loved my professors.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I loved going It didn't feel hard, it didn't feel
like school, just felt like right. So that's when I
made the full shift and really pursued my licensure. And
now I get to do what I love every day.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So you mentioned that so much of it is who
you became as a therapist kind of who you are
as a person. And I am sure that that has
led to some having to set some boundaries around like, yes,
I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist, especially maybe
in family or with friends. How have you resisted the
pool to kind of be the strong one or like
the guide in the circles that you find yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know what the boundary had to come from me.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
I had to set my own boundary for myself not
to insert myself into other people's problems or other people's
challenges when I wasn't asked. I think it's hard sometimes
to sit back and watch people navigate different relationships or
(04:56):
challenges and kind of feel like you have something of
value to add or some wisdom to share, but know
that you weren't asked, and so you should probably just
sit and relax and be a sounding.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
Board or whatever it is that person would need you
to be in that moment.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
So for me, it's more about like taking that, turning
that off, because like I said, I'm naturally I'm a
problem solver and I like to just take things head on,
and a lot of that kind of came from I
think my background in sports. Also, I used to be
a basketball player, and at the collegiate level, I think
(05:35):
solving problems and putting a lot of effort and just
focusing on what to do to get to where we
wanted to be rather than focusing on the thing that's
keeping us from getting where.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
We want to be are reaching our goals.
Speaker 5 (05:52):
I think that has been the biggest thing for me.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I actually love diving really deep into conversation and I
love when people feel safe enough to open up with me.
I just came from a coffee this morning where we
were having a pretty deep conversation and it was with
someone completely new that I just had coffee with for
the first time, and we got right on in there.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
And I prefer that.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
I prefer to just have meaningful and pactful conversations because
life is like fast, everything's moving so fast, we don't
have a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
So I'm all for it. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So have you found that setting the boundary of like
not offering unsolicited advice and feedback has led to people
asking you for it more or left.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
The only people I would give unsolicited advice to were
my husband, my mom my kids. Like I tend to
have decent boundaries around telling other people what I think
that are not in my home.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
So.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I feel like it was more so let me not
come off as the no with all mom who is
constantly trying to I had to learn to let my
children or let other people experience things for themselves because
I can't tell them everything right.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
There has to be some trial and error. So for me,
it was more.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
About when to intervene and when to say something or
speak up versus when to let the natural consequences take place.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
More from our conversation after the break, when I listened
to Nina's reflections on the lesson She's learned the hard way,
one thing becomes clear. Boundaries didn't just help her survive
a demanding season of life. They helped her step further
(07:47):
into herself. Motherhood brought clarity, but it also revealed parts
of herself she hadn't fully embraced before. Here's Nina, and
she speaks honestly about what else motherhood introduced her to
and how those this reshaped the way she shows up
for herself and others. I want to hear you talk
more about it is like, what other parts of yourself
do you feel like you were introduced to as a
(08:09):
result of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Oh Man, more boundaries.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
There's a conversation around boundaries that is happening right now
that I actually really like this discussion between boundaries and
rules and a lot of people misunderstanding and misinterpreting what
a boundary actually is. And so I'm not talking about rules.
I'm talking about boundaries, and I just want.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
To be clear about that.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
But I think that I became a person who was
willing to just say no and not care as much.
So a lot of that people pleasing nature that some
of us carry around in our youth that completely melted
away for me, and I became someone who.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Was confident in my nose.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
I've actually been complimented many times about the kindness and
the compassion and the way that I'm able to say
no and make it sound like a yes, but it's
a no, like very gently, very nicely, but very firm
(09:21):
and clear at the same time.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
And I really that, I really that makes me.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Really happy, because it's a big thing for me who
someone who wants to always be on and taking care
and supporting. So learning to say no and do it
in a way that makes me feel feel good about
myself has been a journey for me.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah. So you're talking about this very effortlessly and beautifully,
but I'm sure it was not an easy process. And
I know people listening are like, oh my god, teach
me how, Nina. So what do you feel like led
to the path for you to actually get to this
place where you're able to say no in very gentle way?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Man, I feel like I've lived a lot of life.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
I just turned thirty seven, and I feel like I've
lived so much life already, and I've just been through
a lot of experiences where I wasn't quite putting my
needs first or putting my feelings first.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And I learned the.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Hard way that if I wasn't going to do that,
then no one else would. And so I just learned
to speak up for myself more. And I learned that
I do have a tendency to build up and grow
resentment if I do things that I don't want to do,
and I don't want to have that.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
I want to be free spirited, I want to be happy.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
I want to feel light.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I don't want to carry so much because life is
moving quickly. Like I said, I have three kids, two
seven year old and one eight year old.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
We're running around and.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Day to day doing all the activities. I'm keeping up
with my work, I'm trying to keep up with my marriage.
I don't have time for extra weight on me at
this phase in my life. So I had to learn
how to release that, and I had to learn the
hard way, through lots of tears and trial and error.
And I think that having my children gave me the
(11:15):
confidence to really put things in perspective, because I felt
like it ordered for me to be the best that
I can and have the most amount of patients with
my own children, and have the most amount of patience
in my relationships with.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
My friends and my family.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I had to be emotionally well and I had to
be light. And so I feel like it's a decision
making trade. If doing something is going to make drain
me and to the point where I'm not able to
take care of myself, if I'm not able to prioritize
(11:53):
the things that I want to prioritize, then I can
easily say now and feel good about it. But it
definitely took me some years and a lot of stress
and resentment and kind of just feeling sorry or sad
for myself and probably some regrets that led me to
(12:15):
want to really consider each choice that I was making
and making sure I was doing it for me and
that it wasn't going to be something that I was
going to regret later. In any way, I try to
really say true to my little decision making tree.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I feel like so many people have the same story
of like not knowing until we both buy his right,
Like I had to learn the hard way. If there
is a way for you to maybe share some wisdom
with our listeners so that they don't have to learn
the hard way about how to prioritize themselves and set
better boundaries, what would you share, you know what?
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Like you doctor Joy, I think what I'm trying to
do is share all of my speriences through my different
platforms and the knowledge that I have. And I think
that I had to suffer an injury and be immobile
and in excruciating pain for months on in before I
(13:16):
actually decided to prioritize my health because I was just going,
I was just doing too much, And it wasn't until
I realized once I was down and out, I was
down for the count that other people were stepping up.
I feel like the biggest lesson that I learned, and
(13:36):
all of that is the world's going to keep spinning
whether I am there or not, whether I am doing
drop off or pick up or not, whether I am
at a dinner party or not.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Like everything is going to keep going.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
I'm just a.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Very tiny little part of the system.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
And I think that what that taught me is that
I have to be the one to prioritize myself and
I have to be the one who's in charge of
my own happiness and taking charge and control over my
life and the way that I wanted it to look.
(14:18):
And I think it's hard for a lot of people
because we have so many responsibilities. And I think one
of the things that we all miss sometimes is how
implementing really small changes and really small things into our
days that are actually truly tangible, but just prioritizing them
and creating consistency.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
In our health and wellness routine.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Taking a little bit.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Of time off for ourselves each morning, maybe by waking
up a little bit earlier and having some quiet time,
meditation time, not reaching for our phone the first thing
we do when you get at These are all small
ways we can take care of ourselves and just eating.
Speaker 6 (14:58):
Meals proper meal at the proper time, and making sure
we're energizing our bodies and getting outside for a fresher
breatha or when we can.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
I think that people overestimate what it looks like to
take care of yourself, and I think we can look
at social media and you see all these really extravagant
ways people are taking care of themselves, or these extravagant
ideas of self care. But really self care is in.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
A small moments and the daily habits that we create.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
And for anyone looking to improve in their mental health
and wellness or even physical wellness, I think just having
a steady routine and being.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
Disciplined will take you a very long way.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
It doesn't take a whole lot, just a little bit
of time and dedication.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
It was so nice to hear Nita speak so transparently
about the lesson's motherhood taught her, especially the journey toward
honoring her own needs and setting boundaries with compassion. I
think it's especially important to acknowledge that as we dig
into who we really are, will come across pieces of
ourselves that we once knew to be true but now
are evolving and asking to be reimagined or at least revisited,
(16:10):
and though that expansion of identity lends to growth, it
is totally normal to experience grief when you lay old
parts of yourself to rest. I spoke with therapis an
author Oludara Dio, who shared a thoughtful perspective on embracing
personal change while extending compassion to the virgins of yourself
that came before. You know, whether it is related to
online stuff or just in general. When we are thinking
(16:33):
about moving away from some identity that maybe has been
important and then you realize like, okay, this is not
actually who I want to be anymore, or I actually
don't believe these things anymore, and now it's time for
a shift, there is still typically some grief and some
warning that happens with stepping away from one identity and
kind of moving into another one. Can you talk about
(16:53):
navigating that grief, because I think that feels different for
a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
You know, that is so real. A lot of what
happens in the grief I think also needs to be
there needs to be like forgiveness, less judgment, because you
don't know what you don't know, and we are allowed
to evolve and grow and change. And I think sometimes
we're so out there on social media and we feel
(17:18):
like the world is watching everything we're doing. We're like, oh,
we have to maintain who we are for other people.
And then again, that's you not being in touch with
your intuition. You're not tapped into yourself. You've pulled away
from your own source, which is yourself now that you're
in a probably in a different space, and you're realizing, Okay,
(17:38):
this is not the person I want to be, this
is not who I am anymore. You have to really
give yourself some grace even maybe forgive yourself be like, Okay,
this is not who I am anymore, and I am
allowing yourself to just be different. I'm allowed to be
a different person than I was two days ago. You know,
I'm allowed to be someone else. I can always evolve
and it's okay. And I think think that also allows
(18:01):
us to like give other people grace and give them
the grace to really just evolve. And I think sometimes
we're uncomfortable with wanting to grief because it can feel heavy,
it can feel hard, but it's something that is a
part of life.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, And I think you know, we are just now
starting to even have conversations around grief related to anything
that isn't death, right, Like even the idea of like
grief and loss related to like identity, Like, I feel
like it's a very new conversation for people, right, and
so we don't do well with grief conversations altogether. But
I think when we get into these like smaller or
maybe what isn't described as like your typical grief, then
(18:40):
I think that that is even more difficult for people.
And so I think even being able to label something
and name it as a loss, I think it's still
new for people. Like grief, times of transition require intentional
self care practices. When life shifts, our nervous systems often
need more support, not less, even if we don't always
realize it in the moment. Creating space to slow down
(19:04):
check in intent to yourself can help you move through
change with more clarity and compassion. Seasons of transition aren't
about fixing, but listening to your needs. Here's Olodaro sharing
a few ways that she grounds and cares for herself
in these moments. I know a lot of your work
is around like self care, specifically for black women, Right,
(19:24):
and you do a lot of promoting around like rituals
and kind of daily practices. What are some of the
daily practices and maybe small things that people can maybe
don't even consider that you think they could think about
to add to their daily practices.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
Yes, what is your sleep routine? I think sleep is very,
very important, and I think sometimes we may neglect it.
So I definitely absolutely encourage figuring out, Okay, am I
going to bed at the same time? If I'm not
going to bed at the same time, how can I
work that to the better. I would also say, like
(19:58):
what is my che community? Like, Okay, what does that
look like? Do I not have friends? Do I need
to start that action of making more friends? Because you know,
building community does take work. So and I also think
community helps with like self care because we need each other.
Really evaluating what does my community look like and how
do I want it to grow? Do I want to
(20:20):
pour more into the people in my life? And also
finding some enjoyment, like what brings me joy? It could
be anything from watching your favorite TV show to go
into a concert to finding a new hobby. What's going
to bring me joy? What's going to bring me joy?
And how do I activate that how do I lean
more into that?
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So you've mentioned a couple of times how important like
being quiet and grounding, and it sounds like journaling is
really important to you. I know that's something that a
lot of your books have been about. Are there one
or two journal prompts that you can offer for somebody
who maybe is in this stage of life or figuring
out like who I am, what's NIX, where's this journey
taking me?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
One I would encourage an affirmation of like I'm allowed
to create the life that I love or I'm allowed
to create a life on my own terms. And also
ask yourself, Okay, what do I want and really answer that,
not thinking about a parent, not thinking about a family
(21:22):
member or a friend or anyone really asks herself, what
do I want my life to look like? Write down
what that looks like? Whatever it is, however big you
may think it may be, or out of touch or
out of reach, like, just write it down and go
from there. I think there's something powerful about seeing like
what you want to accomplish, and then you can allow
(21:44):
yourself to really maybe begin to visualize and work towards
those goals.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
More from our conversation after the break One of the
through lines of our January Jumpstart series this year was metamorphosis,
and as we embrace transformation, we also need to be
(22:09):
intentional about what we want to protect and hold closely
to us. I ask both of these women what they're
protecting more fiercely in twenty twenty six. Here's what Oludara
had to say.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
I have been on a journey of trying to get
back on a regular sleep schedule. I had fallen into
burnout a couple of years, and now that I'm like,
I really feel like I'm really recovering from burnout. My
sleep schedule has been really bad, but I'm like, I
(22:41):
am going to figure that I'm going to be going
to bed before one am.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I love Olodara's answer. I think we could all use
a little bit more protection of our sleep. I also
appreciated Nina's insightful response.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Ooh, protecting more fiercely.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
I was in protective modes last year.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
I feel like and I was recently having a conversation
with Debbie Brown on her podcast about the fact that
I just feel free.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I feel like I don't need to protect so much.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I feel like I'm ready to be very open and
I'm ready to explore and take on opportunities without fear
and without self doubt. I'm more open, less protective at
this phase of my life.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
As we wrap up today's conversation, I hope you're feeling
a little more permission to honor yourself at all stages.
Who you are, who you've been, and who you will
grow to be. Identity is not a destination. It's a
process that evolves alongside our experiences, our relationships, and the
seasons of our lives. Throughout all of my conversations with
(23:55):
these women, one sentiment that continued to ring true was
the importance of me yourself with curiosity and compassion instead
of judgment. Whether it was Nina reminding us of the
power of setting boundaries or Oludara naming the grief that
can come with growth, each perspective affirm that transition doesn't
have to mean that you're lost. Transition means you're becoming,
(24:18):
and becoming requires patience, gentleness, and a willingness to listen
to yourself as you move through your own moments of reflection.
I invite you to check in with yourself this week.
What parts of you are asking to be revisited, What
needs tending, rest or expression right now, and what does
(24:39):
it look like to support yourself through that in a
healthy way. I'm so grateful to these women for their conversations.
To learn more about them and their work, make sure
to visit the show notes that Therapy from Blackgirls dot
com SA Session four forty eight, and don't forget to
text this episode to two of your girls right now
and tell them to check it out. Did you know
(24:59):
that you could leave us a voicemail with your questions
or suggestion for the podcast. If you want to suggest
movies or books for us to review, or have thoughts
about topics you'd like to hear, drop us a message
at memo dot fm, slash Therapy for Black Girls and
let us know what's on your mind. You just might
feature it on the podcast. If you're looking for a
therapists near area, visit our therapist directory at Therapy for
(25:21):
Blackgirls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to follow us
on Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. And if you're
interested in more exclusive updates and behind the scenes content,
come on over and join us in our Patreon. You
can join us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
This episode was produced by Alice Ellis, Indy Tubu, and
Tyrie Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all
(25:45):
so much for joining me again this week. I look
forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.
Take good care,
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