May 7, 2026 • 35 mins
Torri is engaged to Daniel, so why can't she stop thinking about his brother? After a one-on-one dinner with Marcus sent sparks flying, she's left wondering if this is a red flag, a setup, or just bad timing. Was Marcus out of line, or did Daniel orchestrate the whole thing as some kind of loyalty test? Our hosts Ellen and Ryan and resident therapist Sarah unpack the family drama, the gray areas, and the very complicated feelings.
Then in our second session, Anna has lost the spark with her husband, but she's found it with a hot firefighter on Instagram (who has no idea she exists). Is it harmless to fantasize about someone you've never met IRL? And more importantly, can anything actually reignite attraction in a long-term relationship, or is the flame just... out?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Here we are you guys. Therapy Thursday. This is all
about helping you. So you know, therapy is a good thing.
In fact, I feel like I need a therapist. I
just want, I just want. I feel bad if I
like vent to my husband all the time. Anyway, I'm
Melan k.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Oh, I'm right mano, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Sarah dash And sometimes you know, we bring things to
our partner in life. We do, and then it feels
better when we tell them and they might have some
word for us. But then I always feel like I
didn't really want to burden you with that. Have you
had a therapist before?
Speaker 3 (00:34):
I have?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yes? Did you like it? I had grief therapy when
I lost my dad. I'm my mom and I loved it.
I loved it if I didn't do it for very long.
And Sarah your licensed therapist, so you know. I had
one session after my dad died, and I had a
couple after my mother died, and I was super close
with them, and I feel like it really did mean
it helped me with I didn't feel the need to
go further. I felt like they gave me the tools
(00:56):
they needed.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
There you go, and that can be I mean, that
can certainly happen with just a few sessions. You don't
need to necessarily do long term therapy to get what
you want out of the experience.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
When it comes to like venting with a partner, you know,
I think it is good because you get someone's unbiased opinion,
your partner's biased.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They're in it.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
They're very close to whatever matter it is you're talking about,
whether it's your job, whether it's your friends.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
They know the inner workings of this thing.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
That's right, So you kind of need that outside. But
like a Sarah dash that's it someone and someone who's
seen a thing or two like you, Sarah, a few
things over the years, right, and you did regular therapy
for a while, and you were just the best.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Thank you. She's like past tense.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
I was the best.
Speaker 4 (01:39):
You know you are to help you're you're taking When
you were saying your therapy, I was.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Going through a relationship thing and you found this wonderful
therapist and I think it was it weekly.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
It was weekly.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yeah, you did it for a long time.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I did, and I really did. It really helped.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
It just helps you, you know, gain a perspective that
I don't think you're gonna find if you stay stuck.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Were you going specifically for relationship counsel?
Speaker 5 (02:04):
It was kind of how to get myself back after
a break up, got it right. It was kind of like, oh,
this is I felt like delicate. Yeah, going through that,
we're delicate.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, I can say I was right there with you. Yeah,
that was a delicate time.
Speaker 5 (02:19):
And you just want a little bit of hey, how
can I navigate this a little better.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
A lot of people that we were with, they know
Sarah's a license therapist, So everyone calls you to share
their troubles, Like I mean, like people that we like
walk amongst every day, Like, yeah, called Sarah the other night.
She you know this and that. So you're valuable. Thank
you Sarah to us and to this podcast. And we're
(02:44):
so happy that you can give this great advice.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Well I'm so happy to be here. What do we
have today?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Okay? So Tory is in a little bit of a pickle.
She's engaged me married to a guy named Daniel, and
the wedding is six months away. Okay, so everything's paid for.
They're basically ready for it. And I can remember that
time leading up to when I married my husband. That's
like the most exciting time you're thinking of your life together,
(03:09):
and the wedding in itself is usually great and fun.
There are sence dress, but still six months out. That's
really soon.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
Yeah, hopefully it's a time of great anticipation.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay. Yeah, Well, Daniel is the fiance, okay. Marcus is
Daniel's brother, and Marcus flew into town from Miami for
his birthday dinner and Daniel couldn't make it, so he
said to Tory go ahead without me.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So when Tory saw Marcus and got to talk to him,
she started getting like goosebumps and a physical reaction to Marcus.
She'd only met him once in passing, so this was
their first kind of like being around each other. And
he walked past her, brush by her back and put
his hand on her back, and she said that it
(03:54):
felt electric.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
It's a lot of chemistry.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
A lot of chemistry, undeniable chemistry, at least for Tory.
And it appears Marcus too, because he walked it to
her car. He didn't kiss her, but he said if
only things were different, and then texted her the next
morning saying, I can't stop thinking about you. Okay, Now
Tory feels like do I go on with the wedding
or do I pay attention to physically and emotionally what
(04:18):
I'm feeling.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
I mean, I think it's definitely something to pay attention to.
I mean, it makes me very curious about Marcus's psychology.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Now what does that mean?
Speaker 4 (04:29):
It means what allows him to make this type of
overtour to his brother's.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Fiance, right?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Yeah, yeah, what does that say about him? It's a
big no no, Ryan, you have a brother.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
I do, and I can't imagine in no lifetime, in
no circumstance would either of us ever even think of
crossing that line.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Honestly, I'm just going to say it.
Speaker 5 (04:53):
I think that this guy who's even letting this door open,
this brother, is a scumbag.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
I think it's a scum move.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
It's a disgusting You wouldn't do this to a friend,
a colleague, guy, work brother.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
What does it say about Toy Well, I mean, I.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
Think for Tory, she's kind of maybe feeling a little
bit well, she could be feeling overwhelmed about the wedding,
you know, a little bit of cold feet, which makes
her vulnerable. But as far as Marcus is concerned, it
says a lot about boundaries. It says a lot about
a sense of entitlement somebody who can prioritize desire over loyalty. Yes,
(05:32):
it's a it's a really really big deal. And what
I'm taking from this is that whatever traits allow him
to cross this type of boundary with his brother are
going to show up in his relationship with Tory should
she pursue this.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
He sounds like the kind of guy. Marcus sounds like
the kind of guy's just going to take what he
wants and he doesn't care, right, and then for Tory
to go for it and feel this electricity, Like, Marcus
must be very good at what he does.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I think he's very good at identifying somebody who would
be receptive.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
So he finds the he finds the weak spirits, and
he goes for him.
Speaker 4 (06:08):
Yeah, people who show up like Marcus does, they're typically
not drawn to people with really strong boundaries. Uh huh
what because they're not going to be receptive?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Okay, I mean most people.
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Would have slammed the door on this. Yeah, immediately.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So what a gamble though to assume?
Speaker 5 (06:24):
My God, imagine the risk that he's running by going
by putting these feelers out and what if she was
like what, no, dude, Well imagine then she goes and tells, yeah,
his brother.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
I mean I think that it's the risk that may
actually be pulling him toward this.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Oh, so he likes to live, he likes to play
with fire.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
Yeah, it's let's see, I would call it transgression arousal No, no, no,
it's when it's a real thing. It means that transgression
is eroticized because it's taboo, it's appealing with.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Some people have like a danger kink or something.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
It's sort of yeah, exactly, and without it, without it,
like without transgression, fantasy collapses. It's an integral part of
attraction for some people.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Okay, wow, so it has to be something naughty or
you're not attracted to it. Exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:17):
It's a huge thing that you see when people have affairs.
Once one or both people become available, they're not that
into the other person anymore. Transgression what it's transgression aroused
them when the transgression is in and of itself. What
makes something erotic?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Whoah, bad boys, bad boy?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yeah you so really?
Speaker 5 (07:40):
Okay, So let's let's look at the other side of
this too, Sarah. So if let's say she does leave
her fiance mm hmm and start a life a relationship
with the brother. Right, where does that go? Then, Like
you can't have those same guess at your new wedding.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
I don't think you can have a wedding period.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I think you're disowned. I don't think that that's what
Marcus wants anyway. I think he wants to be a conquistador.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I think he wants to conquer right and and and
what is it called? If if it's his own brother.
This is like ancient Roman times, right, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 6 (08:12):
When you read about those sick families that we're killing
each other Tiberius and stealing from each other, It's like,
I'm Marcus, I'm going to take what I want and
I'm going to leave you in my wake. Yeah, because
I don't think you want anything to do with Tori.
He just wants to get her and put it in
his brother's face and then move on.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
Yeah. I'm very curious as to what the history is
between these two brothers.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah. Well, look, if Daniel said I can't make it
go in my place to my own brother's dinner, he
must know something about Marcus to know that he's throwing
his fiance in a fire.
Speaker 4 (08:49):
Or he's somebody who would find this so unthinkable himself
that he cannot imagine somebody else treating him this way.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
But really with your own brother, like Ran, if you're
brother was a shit, you would know it.
Speaker 5 (09:03):
Yeah, but even if even if I knew it, I
think Sarah's point, I would never assume it would go
to that length.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
Yeah, it would be against him. Yeah, it's like, how
could that even be possible?
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Have you had like clients like this.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
I've had clients who have come to me with some
similar type of situations.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Uh huh.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
And it's it's very it's very confusing because I think
for Tory she feels maybe this feels I don't know,
she's saying this as some kind of deeper meaning. She's
so irresistible to Marcus that he's willing to cross these
lines that should never be crossed. It's a it's like
a type of fantasy.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
It makes me feel able. Maybe Daniel doesn't bring it
to Tory. Maybe he's especially with a wedding coming up,
maybe he's also feeling cold feet and he's not making
her feel special enough.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Well, it does bring up the question of what it's like,
is there a comparison between the too And she doesn't
want to compare Daniel to Marcus, but it much it
might bring to light some things that aren't working within
that relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
If you're just Okay, this is all we know. This
is it. We don't know anything more about Marcus or
Daniel or Toy. Would you say that this marriage is doomed?
Speaker 4 (10:20):
I think that this marriage. I think there's some things
that need to.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Be looked at.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Okay, I mean it's I mean, I think the whole
family system is you know, concerning to me about moving,
you know, marrying into a family system where there's this
subtext of betrayal.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, because what if the dad gets involved or.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Something, Oh, don't bring him do it? Oh my god? Okay, well, Lynnette,
thank you so much for calling.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
So what do you.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
Think, you know what she needs to walk away from
this because we're already looking at it. This is a
bad deal. The brother crossed the lines, all of that.
But if her heart, in her spirit and everything that
comes with it is open to have received something like that,
(11:09):
she should not be getting married.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
M I think that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, kind of what you were saying in a way
like this needs to be addressed before anyone moves on.
We only have six months before the wedding and a
lot of response to to Tory. Should we go to
Jamie Ryan?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
All right, So Jamie, you think that this is way, way,
way out of line.
Speaker 7 (11:32):
What if he's testing her too, you know what, I mean,
to see if she like she really.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh that's diabolical. You think he put his brother up to.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
It could be too, you know, just to see if
she's really the one.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
What about that?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Oh god, Jamie, none of us were thinking that way,
but that could be.
Speaker 7 (11:52):
I mean, what if this happened before or something, you know,
I don't know, or then the brother could go back
and be like, she's not the one.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Thanks for your input.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
You're welcome. Have fun, guys, Oh, have fun.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Sarah doesn't never tell you to have fun.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
And Sarah have a great time, have a great time.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
I don't think this is what's going on. I mean,
is it possible, of course, But that's I mean, you
use the word diabolical a type of deviousness that's really shocking.
I think that would be even more shocking than Marcus's
crossing of a boundary that is really really pretty strict.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I wish I could see Marcus. I know, I'm kind
of like, Okay, we know he lives in Miami, and
we know that he's crossing a lot of boundaries, right,
I just I can picture him like the classic like
Tan Fit. Yeah, I don't know a guy who comes in,
loves him.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
And leaves him, right, I mean the psychology is fascinating
about somebody who would actually do this. I mean this
is like, I mean like dateline kind of Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Do people sometimes fit their problems? Like do their looks
go with their problems? It does like a serial killer
look like a serial like. Okay, so you're treating someone
like a Marcus. Do they usually look the part?
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Sometimes they do? And then sometimes you'll have somebody who
so does not look at the part. Okay, That in
and of itself is an interesting element.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Yeah, Like some nerdy man who's really secretly a casva, like.
Speaker 4 (13:23):
Some gentle, timid soul will describe himself as a lady's man.
I mean, that has happened before, and it isn't It's interesting?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
All right, Well, let's go to Mundo Mundo. Thanks. We're
trying to get to all these calls for Sarah, but
you say this is a huge red flag.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
Yeah, she's gonna be a problems later on.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Man, if any guy, every guy that comes with texts to.
Speaker 8 (13:47):
Her or she meets somebody as just casual, you never
know what's gonna happen with it.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
So I think she's going to be a problem perss Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
She's a wild card. And so do you think she
should break off the engagement and cancel the wedding?
Speaker 8 (14:03):
Oh yeah, definitely, because she's she I mean, she just
met the brother for the first time and all of
a sudden she's already having feend for him.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Do you think she'll end up with the brother?
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Uh?
Speaker 8 (14:15):
Yeah, because I've you know, there's marriage. I mean, there's
family members that will go with the cousin you know,
I mean, or you know, or the uncle you know.
So I mean I've met people like that and and
it's kind of like, man, you know, I don't know
how you could do that, especially it's family. So yeah,
she might, she might go with the brother and she
won't care about the family because you know, she's gonna,
(14:37):
like you said, she's going to just think through her heart,
not through her mind.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
But thanks Mundo, says big, No, cancel everything.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Oh yeah, I waste the money.
Speaker 8 (14:45):
I wouldn't spend all that money.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Get your deposit back. Yeah, yeah, it's still time.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
At one point he put his hand on my lower
back to move past me, and I swear my whole
body lit up.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
You know, und does break up. A good point is
she responding to other men like this as this happened
before in her life, where she just feels like there's
this magic electricity.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
It's you know, yeah, are some people, Sarah, would you
say they're.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
They just they're addicted to feeling wanted.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
They are absolutely okay, it's feeling desired is just such
an integral part of who they are as a person's
It plays into their ego strength in a way that
I think can be really self destructive ego strength.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
So that must come from like maybe you weren't picked
for the kickball team, or you know, you had like
low confidence as a kid. Does it go back to
your childhood.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
And it's like a type of yeah, I mean it
can definitely do that. Like if you're trying to replay
something from your childhood and fix it and change the outcome.
If you never felt desired, wanted, prioritized. Then you could
seek that repeatedly as an adult.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
To the point of destructant a destruction for yourself, like
you prioritize that over anything.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
Yeah, woah, you absolutely see that.
Speaker 7 (16:08):
Whoa.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I feel like Toy and Marcus might be made for
each other actually interesting, you know, And maybe Daniel's just
a stepping stone to Marcus and they deserve each other.
They can have each other and destroy each other.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I mean, do you definitely see it in narcissists where
that need for admiration is paramount.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Man, Well, I hope that you know. I don't know.
We got to do a follow up on this one, guys,
because I don't think the wedding should happen.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
Yeah, it certainly needs to be postponed and a lot
of I think a lot of inner work needs to
be done on Tory's part.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
I wonder if we could book a sash with you
and Marcus.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
I would love to do a session with Marcus, Tory, Daniel,
the boy's mother, father, everybody.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Right, guys, We'll be right back. And as being tempted, yike,
she's married to Aaron and now there's a big temptation
going on.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Well, I has to do with a firefighter in a uniform,
muscles and mojo and a big old mustach. Okay, and
I want some therapy. You've come to the right place, Anna,
we give you licensed therapist Sarah dash Say Hi.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Hi, Sarah, Hi Anna.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
How are you doing well?
Speaker 3 (17:30):
I mean, I've been better to be honest with you.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
Okay, what's going on?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
I don't feel very good about myself. And I'm married
to a really, really good man. His name's Aaron. We've
been together eight years, we're married now for five. But
I love him, I really love him. But I'm starting
to wonder, m maybe if it's not the same thing
(17:58):
as desire hiring someone because I don't want him anymore?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Okay, Well, like physically or in your life, or like
did he do something?
Speaker 3 (18:10):
No, no, no, no, just physically. It's not like you know
how things slow down after you know, the first couple
of years. It's not like that. It's like I I
really avoid being intimate with my own husband.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Okay, and always was you know, was your physical connection
with your husband? How was it at the beginning? I
know you said it was stronger, but can you tell
us a little bit more about that.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Well, sure, I mean, you know, everybody in the first
couple of years is just horribly passionate, right, and it
was great. We had a great time, and you know,
we never really wanted for anything.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Okay, but but something changed.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
So you used to get turned on by him and
the sex life was vibrant and bountiful.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, and now I'm pretending like I got a headache,
or I'll pick a fight with him so he's mad
at me, or you know, just something so I don't
have to have to deal with the okay, cool situation.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
So at this point, you're actively avoiding the intimacy.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I am absolutely are you.
Speaker 5 (19:16):
Filling it with something like what like are you are
you still do you still feel like a desire to
have sex?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Well, that's part of the big problem. That's why I
don't feel too good about myself. So I have become
completely obsessed with this good looking firefighter on social media.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
I message him frequently and he responds okay. So I
think about him more and more, and I think about
my husband less and less.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
Okay, So you know he used to go ahead, So Anna,
you're displacing your energy onto this firefighter.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
All right, tell me more, what is what is displacing?
Speaker 4 (20:09):
You're taking what was once in your marriage and now
it's no longer in your marriage. It's outside of the marriage,
it's onto somebody else. And I'm wondering, so did I'm
curious as to whether you know, you describe it as
an obsession. Did that precede your lack of interest in
your husband?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Yeah, they both kind of came on simultaneously. Okay, I
don't know. I don't Did he change?
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Did something happen? Did you guys get in an argument?
Did he gain a bunch of weight? Like I'm wondering
if there was a switch that went on that that.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
No gave you the you know? I just I just
found this this firefighter guy, and I mean he's muscled down,
got lots of mojo. I mean, he's got this good
look and I don't want to say like a seventies
movie star, if you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
You mean like a porn stash.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yeah, that's what I meant. And it is very it's
very hot. And I just I don't know if Aaron
knew that I was spending emotional energy on another man,
I think you would crush him, even though I have
never met the man in person.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
Right, Well, the fact that you've never met him in person,
I think maybe one of the reasons why you're able
to fantasize about him so extensively.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Oh interesting, I mean, this this.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Isn't about like you're you're not choosing between two men.
You're choosing between a fantasy and reality.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Well, I mean, is it? Is it emotional cheating? I mean,
I mean, I think it.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
I think it meets the criteria for emotional cheating. I'm
curious as to what Ellen and Ryan think about that.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I also feel like you're escaping. You're escaping your life
if you're fantasizing this much. So that's why I wanted
to know if Aaron did something to make you feel
icky about him, so then you can just escape into
this other world.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Right. No, Aaron's a great man. This is on me,
and that's why I told you at the beginning that
I just don't feel good about myself anymore. I don't know,
I don't know why I'm doing this. I have everything
great in my life. I mean, financially, we're together where
(22:31):
he makes me laugh, we're compatible, we're kind to each other.
It's just not there.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Okay, and I'm going to caution you from judging yourself
so harshly because you know, like, think about it. You've
sent some text messages, he's responded, but you've never met him.
This is not something that you can't very easily walk
back from.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Oh, but you are going to need.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
To reinvest in your marriage. Your marriage is going to
need to be the priority, and you want to really
figure out what's going on. Why the desire for your
husband has dropped. Why are you displacing it onto somebody
that you don't know?
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Should I buy him like a firefighter out hit?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I mean, if.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
That'll do it.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
I know that that's funny. You're probably joking, but I
had that same thought. I was going to say, is
there any way that you can take this energy?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Is pent up whatever focus you're putting on Mojo man
mustache guy and just I don't know, even if it
has to get you through it, pretend your husband is
this guy? Yeah, Like, can you think about him while
you have sex with your husband? Like a like a
like a like you used.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
To you know what, I don't know, I've never tried
to do that before.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Try it so well?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
But what about this and this is kind of a
serious question. And Ryan, I love your idea of the
dress up. I think that that's you know, that's great
to find a really realistic fireman.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Even just close your eyes and pretend your husband into
this guy.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
We've all done it.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
But I'm just wondering, like, Anna, is it all him
or is some of it you? Is he not attracted
to you anymore? Are you not taking care of yourself
or being as desirable or flirty with him? Or did
you like, look, we all slump into that. I'm just
gonna go home and put my sweats on and I'm
not going to wear my lingerie anymore. Whatever, Like, maybe
(24:26):
try going down your own sexual avenue with with dressing
up yourself.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
Okay, And I'm going to ask you a question. It's
sort of along those lines. Do you feel sexy and attractive?
Do you feel sexy?
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Not not?
Speaker 4 (24:45):
Are you doing everything right? But do you feel sexy?
Do you feel like a sexual being?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I do want I'm messaging the firefighter.
Speaker 4 (24:53):
Okay, Okay, that's actually giving you a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Of Okay, here was the next thing.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Sarah's got some important to say. But is he real firefighter?
Or is this like, is he cosplay online and he's
doing this with multiple women.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Well, since I never actually intended to meet him in person,
I don't really care, and I'm not going to send
him money or anything crazy like that. You know my
aunt means of the hot operation. You know, I don't
think so, so I don't think it would hurt anything,
but I still think it might hurt my husband's feelings
(25:36):
and I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Well, Sarah had something important to say. I'm sorry to
interrupt you.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
No, No, you're you're fine. I just I guess what
I'm hearing is that it's more about how you feel
about yourself when you're interacting with a firefighter, and believe
it or not, this has very very little to do
with him. Oh, this is about you, about your relationship
to yourself, to your own sexuality, and you're gonna have
(26:04):
to dig a little deeper as to why that's not
happening in your marriage anymore.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
I don't know. This guy's pretty good looking. If I
sent you a pick, you might change your mind on that,
but it could be true.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Do you want to be married? Do you want to
be married to your husband?
Speaker 3 (26:23):
Well? Yeah, but like I said, everything in a relationship
is great.
Speaker 4 (26:29):
Everything in your relationship is not great.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
You keep saying that, well, because we get along really well,
and we have money in the bank because we're you know,
we are thrifty together, not cheap, but you know, and
we've got it. We own our own house, and that's
nothing about it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
That's not about him.
Speaker 5 (26:48):
And that's like saying, you know, the cake was really good,
except I forgot to add flour, like this needs certain ingredients,
and a marriage, a healthy relationship has to have all
of these things, and you're missing this one.
Speaker 4 (26:58):
And she's saying that the cake is great, but I
don't eat cake, right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I have
a great cake. I don't do cake.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
So I don't know that.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
I think you're telling yourself you have a great life,
and I think you're telling yourself you want to be married.
I think you don't want to be married to your husband.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
No, well, I'm thinking about rubbing cake on the firefighter.
I mean, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Oh no, oh no.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Well, I don't think I have to be honest with
him because he's living the life the same life. I am, like,
he knows that we're not intimate, so I don't have
to tell him he's not stupid.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Well, it's not.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
About you telling him that you're not intimate. It's about
you saying that you don't feel connected to him in
a way that you used to, in a way that
you would like to hopefully. I mean, do you want
to feel the same attraction to your husband that you
feel for this firefighter or you are completely content with
outsourcing your sexual energy the way you are?
Speaker 3 (28:05):
Well, no, I but that's why I said maybe I'll
buy him his own firefighter outfit, because I think maybe
that would just, you know, turn everything around. And I mean,
guys do it all the time. They watch a sexy
movie and then they say, hey, for me, why don't
we try it? And I'm like, well, because I'm I'm
not a porn star another gymnast, I don't.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Then I don't bend that way. How can you knew
how to finish your Saturday?
Speaker 5 (28:33):
I figure that's where she was at Jesus.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
So you know, I guess you know, if I could
try that avenue and really see if we can reconnect
and spark again.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Yeah, and here here's another thing. Can you live without Aaron?
Like if this were all to blow up in your face?
Because you said that he would be devastated if he
knew how much emotional energy you are spending on this
firefighter and say, say it blows up in your face.
Maybe that's what you want. Can you live without Aaron?
If Aaron says, you know, f you, I'm out of here?
(29:07):
What's your life like?
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Very sad? Okay, pitiful sad?
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Okay, Okay, Well then you need to really work on
reinvesting in your marriage. And if it means, you know,
bringing in some role play, I think that's a great idea.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
Okay that, yeah, I will.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
What do you can dress up as.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
A burning house?
Speaker 4 (29:37):
I mean I don't know that's what you're going to say,
a burning first. I haven't give you mouth to mouth.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Oh do you know what do you compare her with
the firefighter? Okay, yeah, yes, the mouth?
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Oh my gosh, she's.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Maybe you're stuck save me?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah, maybe you're stuck.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
A damsel in distress something, Sarah?
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Do you see this a lot where with things had
to like literally go into another fantasy world to reignite
the spark that used to be there.
Speaker 4 (30:08):
I think fantasy can be really helpful. I think it's
really important that it be a shared fantasy. But when
it's a shared fantasy, I think it can be a
really beautiful erotic experience for both people.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Okay, there you go. Oh, that sounds like a great idea.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
I think it is a good idea. The only thing
I'm a little worried about it if we do my
fantasy and then he comes back at me with one
of his own fantasies and I really hated, like, I
don't want to do that. I'm not dressing up like
a clown from the circus, And you squeak in my eyes.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
Clearly he's not a man who's fantasizing about a female clown.
Speaker 3 (30:46):
Well, I don't know. That's what I'm saying is if
it's something weird, then I.
Speaker 5 (30:49):
Don't you know, wait, hold on, hold on, you just
use the word weird, because what if he I mean,
he's going to go. He's probably telling his friends. It's
not like she's gonna ask me to dress up like
a firefighter.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Well, I mean, come on, there's a certain sexual thing
this associated with firefighter's just like you know when the
strippers show up at your house addressed like a police
officer or something. Okay, and it's that's just kind of
like a in that genre of.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
I just feel like you don't really know Aaron anymore.
Like if if if my husband wanted me to dress up,
I would know exactly what to do. I would know
exactly what to wear, what color I would I just
know him, I just know him.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
Would it be would it be Princess Leah in the
outfit the gold bikini that she wore for Maybe.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
I was thinking it would be something red? Right, And
you mean what man wouldn't want that instant? Oh?
Speaker 5 (31:48):
I think we should take a Breakay, hang on, hang
on in.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Go get my scissors.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Hold on, we'll be right back. Okay, we just want
to make sure that you're hung with us. Do you
feel like you have the tools you need to, you know,
address yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Well, I feel like everybody's brought really great points. So
I think that I need to go in at that
other direction, at that closeness with my husband direction, and
try to rekindle things.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
Okay, it may be sad when you said you'd be
so sad without Aaron, So I really I want you
to be with Aaron.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
That tells you what your priority is, and it's repairing
your marriage, and.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
That's what you're I mean, you're right. Yeah, Well, I
hope it's going to be a great thing. That's I'm
going to try.
Speaker 5 (32:45):
Hey, where did you meet the firefighter? By the way,
how'd you find this guy?
Speaker 3 (32:51):
Well, my friend of mine actually sent me his picture
and was like, oh my gosh, look at this guy.
And then I, you know, kind of did a little
deep I'm the guy, and I was like, oh wow,
he lives in the same city other than and I
was like.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Is he a or Instagram or Facebook? Or where.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
He is an Instagram? Okay, it's too easy. Well he
might be others. Yeah, and I don't care.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah, okay, okay, all right, Well and a hang in there.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Very will. I think I'll delete my DMS and go
from here.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
I think that's a really good idea. M Sarah. When
the session ends and you and like, say, you're not
you feel satisfied, and you don't, like, what do you
say to your clients, like at the end, say that
hours up.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I'll usually ask him if they feel comfortable in in
the session. I mean, I usually give enough space to
see if they're kind of ready, they're recalibrated to kind
of go back out into the world. Yeah, like you
don't in the session A roughly.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Okay, all right, So Anna, do you feel like you're
ready for the world.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
I feel like all the points that have been brought
up to me really made me think and it's really
given me an idea of going down a better path. Okay,
So yes, I feel like I'm ready to in this
session and to go out and find my joy. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
I'm glad to hear that hashtag erin save erin.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Thanks Anna, all right, thanks you guys.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
You're good, right, like we I can hang up the line.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
You're okay, I'm okay, everything's going to be okay. Good.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
So, Sarah, what do you think?
Speaker 4 (34:48):
Well, I think that we're you know, we were talking
about two different women who are willing to risk a
lot for something that's not real.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Oh, is this coming?
Speaker 4 (35:01):
It does happen because I think our fantasy life can
become too real if we don't tend to what's going
on in our real life. When we're not addressing those problems,
we tend to retreat into fantasy more often. It's just
a sign. It's a sign that we need to be
mindful about what's going on with the people who are
actually in our lives who we do.
Speaker 5 (35:22):
Love, and then these problems rage out of control like
a fire. Thank God, I know a firefighter we can
call
Here we are you guys. Therapy Thursday. This is all
about helping you. So you know, therapy is a good thing.
In fact, I feel like I need a therapist. I
just want, I just want. I feel bad if I
like vent to my husband all the time. Anyway, I'm
Melan k.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Oh, I'm right mano, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Sarah dash And sometimes you know, we bring things to
our partner in life. We do, and then it feels
better when we tell them and they might have some
word for us. But then I always feel like I
didn't really want to burden you with that. Have you
had a therapist before?
Speaker 3 (00:34):
I have?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yes? Did you like it? I had grief therapy when
I lost my dad. I'm my mom and I loved it.
I loved it if I didn't do it for very long.
And Sarah your licensed therapist, so you know. I had
one session after my dad died, and I had a
couple after my mother died, and I was super close
with them, and I feel like it really did mean
it helped me with I didn't feel the need to
go further. I felt like they gave me the tools
(00:56):
they needed.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
There you go, and that can be I mean, that
can certainly happen with just a few sessions. You don't
need to necessarily do long term therapy to get what
you want out of the experience.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
When it comes to like venting with a partner, you know,
I think it is good because you get someone's unbiased opinion,
your partner's biased.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They're in it.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
They're very close to whatever matter it is you're talking about,
whether it's your job, whether it's your friends.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
They know the inner workings of this thing.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
That's right, So you kind of need that outside. But
like a Sarah dash that's it someone and someone who's
seen a thing or two like you, Sarah, a few
things over the years, right, and you did regular therapy
for a while, and you were just the best.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Thank you. She's like past tense.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
I was the best.
Speaker 4 (01:39):
You know you are to help you're you're taking When
you were saying your therapy, I was.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Going through a relationship thing and you found this wonderful
therapist and I think it was it weekly.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
It was weekly.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yeah, you did it for a long time.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I did, and I really did. It really helped.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
It just helps you, you know, gain a perspective that
I don't think you're gonna find if you stay stuck.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Were you going specifically for relationship counsel?
Speaker 5 (02:04):
It was kind of how to get myself back after
a break up, got it right. It was kind of like, oh,
this is I felt like delicate. Yeah, going through that,
we're delicate.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, I can say I was right there with you. Yeah,
that was a delicate time.
Speaker 5 (02:19):
And you just want a little bit of hey, how
can I navigate this a little better.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
A lot of people that we were with, they know
Sarah's a license therapist, So everyone calls you to share
their troubles, Like I mean, like people that we like
walk amongst every day, Like, yeah, called Sarah the other night.
She you know this and that. So you're valuable. Thank
you Sarah to us and to this podcast. And we're
(02:44):
so happy that you can give this great advice.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Well I'm so happy to be here. What do we
have today?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Okay? So Tory is in a little bit of a pickle.
She's engaged me married to a guy named Daniel, and
the wedding is six months away. Okay, so everything's paid for.
They're basically ready for it. And I can remember that
time leading up to when I married my husband. That's
like the most exciting time you're thinking of your life together,
(03:09):
and the wedding in itself is usually great and fun.
There are sence dress, but still six months out. That's
really soon.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
Yeah, hopefully it's a time of great anticipation.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay. Yeah, Well, Daniel is the fiance, okay. Marcus is
Daniel's brother, and Marcus flew into town from Miami for
his birthday dinner and Daniel couldn't make it, so he
said to Tory go ahead without me.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So when Tory saw Marcus and got to talk to him,
she started getting like goosebumps and a physical reaction to Marcus.
She'd only met him once in passing, so this was
their first kind of like being around each other. And
he walked past her, brush by her back and put
his hand on her back, and she said that it
(03:54):
felt electric.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
It's a lot of chemistry.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
A lot of chemistry, undeniable chemistry, at least for Tory.
And it appears Marcus too, because he walked it to
her car. He didn't kiss her, but he said if
only things were different, and then texted her the next
morning saying, I can't stop thinking about you. Okay, Now
Tory feels like do I go on with the wedding
or do I pay attention to physically and emotionally what
(04:18):
I'm feeling.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
I mean, I think it's definitely something to pay attention to.
I mean, it makes me very curious about Marcus's psychology.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Now what does that mean?
Speaker 4 (04:29):
It means what allows him to make this type of
overtour to his brother's.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Fiance, right?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Yeah, yeah, what does that say about him? It's a
big no no, Ryan, you have a brother.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
I do, and I can't imagine in no lifetime, in
no circumstance would either of us ever even think of
crossing that line.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Honestly, I'm just going to say it.
Speaker 5 (04:53):
I think that this guy who's even letting this door open,
this brother, is a scumbag.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
I think it's a scum move.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
It's a disgusting You wouldn't do this to a friend,
a colleague, guy, work brother.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
What does it say about Toy Well, I mean, I.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
Think for Tory, she's kind of maybe feeling a little
bit well, she could be feeling overwhelmed about the wedding,
you know, a little bit of cold feet, which makes
her vulnerable. But as far as Marcus is concerned, it
says a lot about boundaries. It says a lot about
a sense of entitlement somebody who can prioritize desire over loyalty. Yes,
(05:32):
it's a it's a really really big deal. And what
I'm taking from this is that whatever traits allow him
to cross this type of boundary with his brother are
going to show up in his relationship with Tory should
she pursue this.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
He sounds like the kind of guy. Marcus sounds like
the kind of guy's just going to take what he
wants and he doesn't care, right, and then for Tory
to go for it and feel this electricity, Like, Marcus
must be very good at what he does.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I think he's very good at identifying somebody who would
be receptive.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
So he finds the he finds the weak spirits, and
he goes for him.
Speaker 4 (06:08):
Yeah, people who show up like Marcus does, they're typically
not drawn to people with really strong boundaries. Uh huh
what because they're not going to be receptive?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Okay, I mean most people.
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Would have slammed the door on this. Yeah, immediately.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So what a gamble though to assume?
Speaker 5 (06:24):
My God, imagine the risk that he's running by going
by putting these feelers out and what if she was
like what, no, dude, Well imagine then she goes and tells, yeah,
his brother.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
I mean I think that it's the risk that may
actually be pulling him toward this.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Oh, so he likes to live, he likes to play
with fire.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
Yeah, it's let's see, I would call it transgression arousal No, no, no,
it's when it's a real thing. It means that transgression
is eroticized because it's taboo, it's appealing with.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Some people have like a danger kink or something.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
It's sort of yeah, exactly, and without it, without it,
like without transgression, fantasy collapses. It's an integral part of
attraction for some people.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Okay, wow, so it has to be something naughty or
you're not attracted to it. Exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:17):
It's a huge thing that you see when people have affairs.
Once one or both people become available, they're not that
into the other person anymore. Transgression what it's transgression aroused
them when the transgression is in and of itself. What
makes something erotic?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Whoah, bad boys, bad boy?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yeah you so really?
Speaker 5 (07:40):
Okay, So let's let's look at the other side of
this too, Sarah. So if let's say she does leave
her fiance mm hmm and start a life a relationship
with the brother. Right, where does that go? Then, Like
you can't have those same guess at your new wedding.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
I don't think you can have a wedding period.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I think you're disowned. I don't think that that's what
Marcus wants anyway. I think he wants to be a conquistador.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I think he wants to conquer right and and and
what is it called? If if it's his own brother.
This is like ancient Roman times, right, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 6 (08:12):
When you read about those sick families that we're killing
each other Tiberius and stealing from each other, It's like,
I'm Marcus, I'm going to take what I want and
I'm going to leave you in my wake. Yeah, because
I don't think you want anything to do with Tori.
He just wants to get her and put it in
his brother's face and then move on.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
Yeah. I'm very curious as to what the history is
between these two brothers.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah. Well, look, if Daniel said I can't make it
go in my place to my own brother's dinner, he
must know something about Marcus to know that he's throwing
his fiance in a fire.
Speaker 4 (08:49):
Or he's somebody who would find this so unthinkable himself
that he cannot imagine somebody else treating him this way.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
But really with your own brother, like Ran, if you're
brother was a shit, you would know it.
Speaker 5 (09:03):
Yeah, but even if even if I knew it, I
think Sarah's point, I would never assume it would go
to that length.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
Yeah, it would be against him. Yeah, it's like, how
could that even be possible?
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Have you had like clients like this.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
I've had clients who have come to me with some
similar type of situations.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Uh huh.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
And it's it's very it's very confusing because I think
for Tory she feels maybe this feels I don't know,
she's saying this as some kind of deeper meaning. She's
so irresistible to Marcus that he's willing to cross these
lines that should never be crossed. It's a it's like
a type of fantasy.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
It makes me feel able. Maybe Daniel doesn't bring it
to Tory. Maybe he's especially with a wedding coming up,
maybe he's also feeling cold feet and he's not making
her feel special enough.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Well, it does bring up the question of what it's like,
is there a comparison between the too And she doesn't
want to compare Daniel to Marcus, but it much it
might bring to light some things that aren't working within
that relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
If you're just Okay, this is all we know. This
is it. We don't know anything more about Marcus or
Daniel or Toy. Would you say that this marriage is doomed?
Speaker 4 (10:20):
I think that this marriage. I think there's some things
that need to.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Be looked at.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Okay, I mean it's I mean, I think the whole
family system is you know, concerning to me about moving,
you know, marrying into a family system where there's this
subtext of betrayal.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, because what if the dad gets involved or.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Something, Oh, don't bring him do it? Oh my god? Okay, well, Lynnette,
thank you so much for calling.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
So what do you.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
Think, you know what she needs to walk away from
this because we're already looking at it. This is a
bad deal. The brother crossed the lines, all of that.
But if her heart, in her spirit and everything that
comes with it is open to have received something like that,
(11:09):
she should not be getting married.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
M I think that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, kind of what you were saying in a way
like this needs to be addressed before anyone moves on.
We only have six months before the wedding and a
lot of response to to Tory. Should we go to
Jamie Ryan?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
All right, So Jamie, you think that this is way, way,
way out of line.
Speaker 7 (11:32):
What if he's testing her too, you know what, I mean,
to see if she like she really.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh that's diabolical. You think he put his brother up to.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
It could be too, you know, just to see if
she's really the one.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
What about that?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Oh god, Jamie, none of us were thinking that way,
but that could be.
Speaker 7 (11:52):
I mean, what if this happened before or something, you know,
I don't know, or then the brother could go back
and be like, she's not the one.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Thanks for your input.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
You're welcome. Have fun, guys, Oh, have fun.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Sarah doesn't never tell you to have fun.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
And Sarah have a great time, have a great time.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
I don't think this is what's going on. I mean,
is it possible, of course, But that's I mean, you
use the word diabolical a type of deviousness that's really shocking.
I think that would be even more shocking than Marcus's
crossing of a boundary that is really really pretty strict.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I wish I could see Marcus. I know, I'm kind
of like, Okay, we know he lives in Miami, and
we know that he's crossing a lot of boundaries, right,
I just I can picture him like the classic like
Tan Fit. Yeah, I don't know a guy who comes in,
loves him.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
And leaves him, right, I mean the psychology is fascinating
about somebody who would actually do this. I mean this
is like, I mean like dateline kind of Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Do people sometimes fit their problems? Like do their looks
go with their problems? It does like a serial killer
look like a serial like. Okay, so you're treating someone
like a Marcus. Do they usually look the part?
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Sometimes they do? And then sometimes you'll have somebody who
so does not look at the part. Okay, That in
and of itself is an interesting element.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Yeah, Like some nerdy man who's really secretly a casva, like.
Speaker 4 (13:23):
Some gentle, timid soul will describe himself as a lady's man.
I mean, that has happened before, and it isn't It's interesting?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
All right, Well, let's go to Mundo Mundo. Thanks. We're
trying to get to all these calls for Sarah, but
you say this is a huge red flag.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
Yeah, she's gonna be a problems later on.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Man, if any guy, every guy that comes with texts to.
Speaker 8 (13:47):
Her or she meets somebody as just casual, you never
know what's gonna happen with it.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
So I think she's going to be a problem perss Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
She's a wild card. And so do you think she
should break off the engagement and cancel the wedding?
Speaker 8 (14:03):
Oh yeah, definitely, because she's she I mean, she just
met the brother for the first time and all of
a sudden she's already having feend for him.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Do you think she'll end up with the brother?
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Uh?
Speaker 8 (14:15):
Yeah, because I've you know, there's marriage. I mean, there's
family members that will go with the cousin you know,
I mean, or you know, or the uncle you know.
So I mean I've met people like that and and
it's kind of like, man, you know, I don't know
how you could do that, especially it's family. So yeah,
she might, she might go with the brother and she
won't care about the family because you know, she's gonna,
(14:37):
like you said, she's going to just think through her heart,
not through her mind.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
But thanks Mundo, says big, No, cancel everything.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Oh yeah, I waste the money.
Speaker 8 (14:45):
I wouldn't spend all that money.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Get your deposit back. Yeah, yeah, it's still time.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
At one point he put his hand on my lower
back to move past me, and I swear my whole
body lit up.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
You know, und does break up. A good point is
she responding to other men like this as this happened
before in her life, where she just feels like there's
this magic electricity.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
It's you know, yeah, are some people, Sarah, would you
say they're.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
They just they're addicted to feeling wanted.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
They are absolutely okay, it's feeling desired is just such
an integral part of who they are as a person's
It plays into their ego strength in a way that
I think can be really self destructive ego strength.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
So that must come from like maybe you weren't picked
for the kickball team, or you know, you had like
low confidence as a kid. Does it go back to
your childhood.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
And it's like a type of yeah, I mean it
can definitely do that. Like if you're trying to replay
something from your childhood and fix it and change the outcome.
If you never felt desired, wanted, prioritized. Then you could
seek that repeatedly as an adult.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
To the point of destructant a destruction for yourself, like
you prioritize that over anything.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
Yeah, woah, you absolutely see that.
Speaker 7 (16:08):
Whoa.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I feel like Toy and Marcus might be made for
each other actually interesting, you know, And maybe Daniel's just
a stepping stone to Marcus and they deserve each other.
They can have each other and destroy each other.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I mean, do you definitely see it in narcissists where
that need for admiration is paramount.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Man, Well, I hope that you know. I don't know.
We got to do a follow up on this one, guys,
because I don't think the wedding should happen.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
Yeah, it certainly needs to be postponed and a lot
of I think a lot of inner work needs to
be done on Tory's part.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
I wonder if we could book a sash with you
and Marcus.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
I would love to do a session with Marcus, Tory, Daniel,
the boy's mother, father, everybody.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Right, guys, We'll be right back. And as being tempted, yike,
she's married to Aaron and now there's a big temptation
going on.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Well, I has to do with a firefighter in a uniform,
muscles and mojo and a big old mustach. Okay, and
I want some therapy. You've come to the right place, Anna,
we give you licensed therapist Sarah dash Say Hi.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Hi, Sarah, Hi Anna.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
How are you doing well?
Speaker 3 (17:30):
I mean, I've been better to be honest with you.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
Okay, what's going on?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
I don't feel very good about myself. And I'm married
to a really, really good man. His name's Aaron. We've
been together eight years, we're married now for five. But
I love him, I really love him. But I'm starting
to wonder, m maybe if it's not the same thing
(17:58):
as desire hiring someone because I don't want him anymore?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Okay, Well, like physically or in your life, or like
did he do something?
Speaker 3 (18:10):
No, no, no, no, just physically. It's not like you know
how things slow down after you know, the first couple
of years. It's not like that. It's like I I
really avoid being intimate with my own husband.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Okay, and always was you know, was your physical connection
with your husband? How was it at the beginning? I
know you said it was stronger, but can you tell
us a little bit more about that.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Well, sure, I mean, you know, everybody in the first
couple of years is just horribly passionate, right, and it
was great. We had a great time, and you know,
we never really wanted for anything.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Okay, but but something changed.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
So you used to get turned on by him and
the sex life was vibrant and bountiful.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, and now I'm pretending like I got a headache,
or I'll pick a fight with him so he's mad
at me, or you know, just something so I don't
have to have to deal with the okay, cool situation.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
So at this point, you're actively avoiding the intimacy.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I am absolutely are you.
Speaker 5 (19:16):
Filling it with something like what like are you are
you still do you still feel like a desire to
have sex?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Well, that's part of the big problem. That's why I
don't feel too good about myself. So I have become
completely obsessed with this good looking firefighter on social media.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
I message him frequently and he responds okay. So I
think about him more and more, and I think about
my husband less and less.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
Okay, So you know he used to go ahead, So Anna,
you're displacing your energy onto this firefighter.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
All right, tell me more, what is what is displacing?
Speaker 4 (20:09):
You're taking what was once in your marriage and now
it's no longer in your marriage. It's outside of the marriage,
it's onto somebody else. And I'm wondering, so did I'm
curious as to whether you know, you describe it as
an obsession. Did that precede your lack of interest in
your husband?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Yeah, they both kind of came on simultaneously. Okay, I
don't know. I don't Did he change?
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Did something happen? Did you guys get in an argument?
Did he gain a bunch of weight? Like I'm wondering
if there was a switch that went on that that.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
No gave you the you know? I just I just
found this this firefighter guy, and I mean he's muscled down,
got lots of mojo. I mean, he's got this good
look and I don't want to say like a seventies
movie star, if you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
You mean like a porn stash.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yeah, that's what I meant. And it is very it's
very hot. And I just I don't know if Aaron
knew that I was spending emotional energy on another man,
I think you would crush him, even though I have
never met the man in person.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
Right, Well, the fact that you've never met him in person,
I think maybe one of the reasons why you're able
to fantasize about him so extensively.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Oh interesting, I mean, this this.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Isn't about like you're you're not choosing between two men.
You're choosing between a fantasy and reality.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Well, I mean, is it? Is it emotional cheating? I mean,
I mean, I think it.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
I think it meets the criteria for emotional cheating. I'm
curious as to what Ellen and Ryan think about that.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I also feel like you're escaping. You're escaping your life
if you're fantasizing this much. So that's why I wanted
to know if Aaron did something to make you feel
icky about him, so then you can just escape into
this other world.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Right. No, Aaron's a great man. This is on me,
and that's why I told you at the beginning that
I just don't feel good about myself anymore. I don't know,
I don't know why I'm doing this. I have everything
great in my life. I mean, financially, we're together where
(22:31):
he makes me laugh, we're compatible, we're kind to each other.
It's just not there.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Okay, and I'm going to caution you from judging yourself
so harshly because you know, like, think about it. You've
sent some text messages, he's responded, but you've never met him.
This is not something that you can't very easily walk
back from.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Oh, but you are going to need.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
To reinvest in your marriage. Your marriage is going to
need to be the priority, and you want to really
figure out what's going on. Why the desire for your
husband has dropped. Why are you displacing it onto somebody
that you don't know?
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Should I buy him like a firefighter out hit?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I mean, if.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
That'll do it.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
I know that that's funny. You're probably joking, but I
had that same thought. I was going to say, is
there any way that you can take this energy?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Is pent up whatever focus you're putting on Mojo man
mustache guy and just I don't know, even if it
has to get you through it, pretend your husband is
this guy? Yeah, Like, can you think about him while
you have sex with your husband? Like a like a
like a like you used.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
To you know what, I don't know, I've never tried
to do that before.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Try it so well?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
But what about this and this is kind of a
serious question. And Ryan, I love your idea of the
dress up. I think that that's you know, that's great
to find a really realistic fireman.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Even just close your eyes and pretend your husband into
this guy.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
We've all done it.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
But I'm just wondering, like, Anna, is it all him
or is some of it you? Is he not attracted
to you anymore? Are you not taking care of yourself
or being as desirable or flirty with him? Or did
you like, look, we all slump into that. I'm just
gonna go home and put my sweats on and I'm
not going to wear my lingerie anymore. Whatever, Like, maybe
(24:26):
try going down your own sexual avenue with with dressing
up yourself.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
Okay, And I'm going to ask you a question. It's
sort of along those lines. Do you feel sexy and attractive?
Do you feel sexy?
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Not not?
Speaker 4 (24:45):
Are you doing everything right? But do you feel sexy?
Do you feel like a sexual being?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I do want I'm messaging the firefighter.
Speaker 4 (24:53):
Okay, Okay, that's actually giving you a lot.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Of Okay, here was the next thing.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Sarah's got some important to say. But is he real firefighter?
Or is this like, is he cosplay online and he's
doing this with multiple women.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Well, since I never actually intended to meet him in person,
I don't really care, and I'm not going to send
him money or anything crazy like that. You know my
aunt means of the hot operation. You know, I don't
think so, so I don't think it would hurt anything,
but I still think it might hurt my husband's feelings
(25:36):
and I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Well, Sarah had something important to say. I'm sorry to
interrupt you.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
No, No, you're you're fine. I just I guess what
I'm hearing is that it's more about how you feel
about yourself when you're interacting with a firefighter, and believe
it or not, this has very very little to do
with him. Oh, this is about you, about your relationship
to yourself, to your own sexuality, and you're gonna have
(26:04):
to dig a little deeper as to why that's not
happening in your marriage anymore.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
I don't know. This guy's pretty good looking. If I
sent you a pick, you might change your mind on that,
but it could be true.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Do you want to be married? Do you want to
be married to your husband?
Speaker 3 (26:23):
Well? Yeah, but like I said, everything in a relationship
is great.
Speaker 4 (26:29):
Everything in your relationship is not great.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
You keep saying that, well, because we get along really well,
and we have money in the bank because we're you know,
we are thrifty together, not cheap, but you know, and
we've got it. We own our own house, and that's
nothing about it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
That's not about him.
Speaker 5 (26:48):
And that's like saying, you know, the cake was really good,
except I forgot to add flour, like this needs certain ingredients,
and a marriage, a healthy relationship has to have all
of these things, and you're missing this one.
Speaker 4 (26:58):
And she's saying that the cake is great, but I
don't eat cake, right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I have
a great cake. I don't do cake.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
So I don't know that.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
I think you're telling yourself you have a great life,
and I think you're telling yourself you want to be married.
I think you don't want to be married to your husband.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
No, well, I'm thinking about rubbing cake on the firefighter.
I mean, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Oh no, oh no.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Well, I don't think I have to be honest with
him because he's living the life the same life. I am, like,
he knows that we're not intimate, so I don't have
to tell him he's not stupid.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Well, it's not.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
About you telling him that you're not intimate. It's about
you saying that you don't feel connected to him in
a way that you used to, in a way that
you would like to hopefully. I mean, do you want
to feel the same attraction to your husband that you
feel for this firefighter or you are completely content with
outsourcing your sexual energy the way you are?
Speaker 3 (28:05):
Well, no, I but that's why I said maybe I'll
buy him his own firefighter outfit, because I think maybe
that would just, you know, turn everything around. And I mean,
guys do it all the time. They watch a sexy
movie and then they say, hey, for me, why don't
we try it? And I'm like, well, because I'm I'm
not a porn star another gymnast, I don't.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Then I don't bend that way. How can you knew
how to finish your Saturday?
Speaker 5 (28:33):
I figure that's where she was at Jesus.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
So you know, I guess you know, if I could
try that avenue and really see if we can reconnect
and spark again.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Yeah, and here here's another thing. Can you live without Aaron?
Like if this were all to blow up in your face?
Because you said that he would be devastated if he
knew how much emotional energy you are spending on this
firefighter and say, say it blows up in your face.
Maybe that's what you want. Can you live without Aaron?
If Aaron says, you know, f you, I'm out of here?
(29:07):
What's your life like?
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Very sad? Okay, pitiful sad?
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Okay, Okay, Well then you need to really work on
reinvesting in your marriage. And if it means, you know,
bringing in some role play, I think that's a great idea.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
Okay that, yeah, I will.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
What do you can dress up as.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
A burning house?
Speaker 4 (29:37):
I mean I don't know that's what you're going to say,
a burning first. I haven't give you mouth to mouth.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Oh do you know what do you compare her with
the firefighter? Okay, yeah, yes, the mouth?
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Oh my gosh, she's.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Maybe you're stuck save me?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah, maybe you're stuck.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
A damsel in distress something, Sarah?
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Do you see this a lot where with things had
to like literally go into another fantasy world to reignite
the spark that used to be there.
Speaker 4 (30:08):
I think fantasy can be really helpful. I think it's
really important that it be a shared fantasy. But when
it's a shared fantasy, I think it can be a
really beautiful erotic experience for both people.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Okay, there you go. Oh, that sounds like a great idea.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
I think it is a good idea. The only thing
I'm a little worried about it if we do my
fantasy and then he comes back at me with one
of his own fantasies and I really hated, like, I
don't want to do that. I'm not dressing up like
a clown from the circus, And you squeak in my eyes.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
Clearly he's not a man who's fantasizing about a female clown.
Speaker 3 (30:46):
Well, I don't know. That's what I'm saying is if
it's something weird, then I.
Speaker 5 (30:49):
Don't you know, wait, hold on, hold on, you just
use the word weird, because what if he I mean,
he's going to go. He's probably telling his friends. It's
not like she's gonna ask me to dress up like
a firefighter.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Well, I mean, come on, there's a certain sexual thing
this associated with firefighter's just like you know when the
strippers show up at your house addressed like a police
officer or something. Okay, and it's that's just kind of
like a in that genre of.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
I just feel like you don't really know Aaron anymore.
Like if if if my husband wanted me to dress up,
I would know exactly what to do. I would know
exactly what to wear, what color I would I just
know him, I just know him.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
Would it be would it be Princess Leah in the
outfit the gold bikini that she wore for Maybe.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
I was thinking it would be something red? Right, And
you mean what man wouldn't want that instant? Oh?
Speaker 5 (31:48):
I think we should take a Breakay, hang on, hang
on in.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Go get my scissors.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Hold on, we'll be right back. Okay, we just want
to make sure that you're hung with us. Do you
feel like you have the tools you need to, you know,
address yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Well, I feel like everybody's brought really great points. So
I think that I need to go in at that
other direction, at that closeness with my husband direction, and
try to rekindle things.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
Okay, it may be sad when you said you'd be
so sad without Aaron, So I really I want you
to be with Aaron.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
That tells you what your priority is, and it's repairing
your marriage, and.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
That's what you're I mean, you're right. Yeah, Well, I
hope it's going to be a great thing. That's I'm
going to try.
Speaker 5 (32:45):
Hey, where did you meet the firefighter? By the way,
how'd you find this guy?
Speaker 3 (32:51):
Well, my friend of mine actually sent me his picture
and was like, oh my gosh, look at this guy.
And then I, you know, kind of did a little
deep I'm the guy, and I was like, oh wow,
he lives in the same city other than and I
was like.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Is he a or Instagram or Facebook? Or where.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
He is an Instagram? Okay, it's too easy. Well he
might be others. Yeah, and I don't care.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah, okay, okay, all right, Well and a hang in there.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Very will. I think I'll delete my DMS and go
from here.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
I think that's a really good idea. M Sarah. When
the session ends and you and like, say, you're not
you feel satisfied, and you don't, like, what do you
say to your clients, like at the end, say that
hours up.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I'll usually ask him if they feel comfortable in in
the session. I mean, I usually give enough space to
see if they're kind of ready, they're recalibrated to kind
of go back out into the world. Yeah, like you
don't in the session A roughly.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Okay, all right, So Anna, do you feel like you're
ready for the world.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
I feel like all the points that have been brought
up to me really made me think and it's really
given me an idea of going down a better path. Okay,
So yes, I feel like I'm ready to in this
session and to go out and find my joy. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
I'm glad to hear that hashtag erin save erin.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Thanks Anna, all right, thanks you guys.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
You're good, right, like we I can hang up the line.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
You're okay, I'm okay, everything's going to be okay. Good.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
So, Sarah, what do you think?
Speaker 4 (34:48):
Well, I think that we're you know, we were talking
about two different women who are willing to risk a
lot for something that's not real.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Oh, is this coming?
Speaker 4 (35:01):
It does happen because I think our fantasy life can
become too real if we don't tend to what's going
on in our real life. When we're not addressing those problems,
we tend to retreat into fantasy more often. It's just
a sign. It's a sign that we need to be
mindful about what's going on with the people who are
actually in our lives who we do.
Speaker 5 (35:22):
Love, and then these problems rage out of control like
a fire. Thank God, I know a firefighter we can
call
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