May 21, 2026 • 19 mins
Two of Darren’s adult children have moved back in with him after rough breakups. He loves having them close, but they’re not contributing financially, and it’s starting to strain things. Darren wants to support his kids without feeling taken advantage of, so he turns to Sarah for advice on how to ask them to pitch in and become more self‑sufficient.
Our second caller is Dawn, who’s been divorced three times and has turned to a matchmaker to help her find Mr. Right. So far, though, every match has been a bust—too short, too skinny, too hairy, you name it. Is Dawn being too picky, or is the matchmaker cashing checks and missing the mark?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes I think that we can regress under times of stress,
so we start thinking more like a kid rather than
an adult if they're under a lot of stress.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
From the ending of these relates, see Sarah, I love regression. Yeah,
so welcome to another great edition of Therapy Thursday, where
we tackle your troubles. I'm Ellen Ki, I'm.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Ryan Manoch, and I'm Sarah Dash.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And Sarah, you have letters after your name because you
are a licensed therapist. What are those letters and what
do they mean?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
The l MFT stands for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
L l m f T LMFT. Okay, licensed marriage and
family therapist. You know, I never knew that. I just
knew you had licenses. And Sarah Dash our licensed therapist
here to you know, respond to all of the talkbacks,
(00:57):
the letters, all the stuff we get from you. So
many different issues that people deal with every day. And
that's why whenever I get frustrated on the road, if
someone's driving crazy or someone's like, you know, rude in
a line somewhere, I always think, we have no idea
what another person's going through. No, we don't.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
They could have just had a fight with their boss,
they could have just lost their job.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
You never know, Yeah, you never know it. And I
think that's really important for all of us to always
keep in mind, especially in a big city, well really anywhere.
But you just never know what that person is going through. No,
And I always wonder, like, do you ever drive buy
houses guys and think what is that person that lives
behind that gate?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Do?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
All the time? All the time? You know.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
When that started for me when I was a paper
I was delivered. I was a paper blow and I
was so curious about each one of their homes and
their lives, you know, and that curiosity, I think is
a good thing.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I do too. There's a giant home on Sunset Boulevard
that I drive by a lot when I'm just cutting
through town, and I was like, I really wonder what
that is, so I googled it. It's Phil Collins House.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Okay, so you know what be going on?
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Right, There's probably a studio, a lot of singing and music.
But I think that's really cool. And so yeah, so
we we never know as people what another is going through,
but we hear from you and we love it and
we love to bring Sarah in and do this podcast
so that we can you know, tackle these problems and
(02:22):
then you never know, maybe you're going through the same thing.
We got this one from a dad. His name is
Darren Eileen.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Good morning, Hi Sarah. I could use some help here.
I'm a dad. I've got five kids. They're all grown up.
Two of them have had really horrible relationships with their
partners or whatever. They've come back. They're adults. They're living
here now, and I'm happy they're here, but it costs
a fortune to have everybody under one roof, and nobody's
(02:52):
even asking me if they can help out financially. I
want to communicate with them. I love them and I'm
going to try to be there for them, but at
this point they're adults, and I just want to figure
out a way to ask them, could they please also
help support themselves. I feel really bad about this, but
(03:13):
I just I don't know what to do for Darren.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Do you see a lot of this in your practice.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I do see some of this in my practice, and
it's what I'm hearing is that this relationship has shifted
from love to one of obligation and adult relationships parents
and children. What you hope happens is there's going to
be this really beautiful metamorphosis into reciprocity, mutuality, and sometimes
(03:42):
boundaries need to be renegotiated.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Oh is it as simple as just calling a family
meeting and saying, guys, I love you, but we need
to talk. We just have to have a talk. And
it might be hard for him to even bring up
but is that the best way?
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I think that's absolutely the best way. I think that
in those conversations, he's going to want to lead with
love and affection, not blame accusations. It looks like I
really love you, I love having you in the house.
I'm not asking you to leave, but I can't sustainably
(04:15):
manage the financial obligations that I find myself under.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
It. And why do you suppose two out of the
five who moved back in with Daddy Darren, why do
you suppose they're not thinking, wow, I should help that,
like he's letting me stay under his roof. It's unfortunate
what happened. It's not like a failure to lunch. They had,
their relationships didn't work out. Now they're back. But why
aren't they thinking instead of this is my safe haven.
(04:41):
I should be helping out and pitching in.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
What happens is that people will mistake generosity for limitless capacity.
And this happens all the time. It happens in friendships,
family relationships. Someone's very generous and the person to whom
the generosity is being extended thinks it's limitless capacity. They
may very well not see him for who he is
(05:05):
at this time in his life.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
See I wonder too how far this goes back. It
could be that Darren brought them up in such a
way that they never really wanted for much, and they
never really viewed their dad as someone they had to
kind of you know, I.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Help, possibly right, And it's also I mean, I'm not
in any way saying this is his fault, but as
the father, he probably did hold himself out as the
provider the caretaker, which is completely appropriate when someone is ten,
but not necessarily job.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Is different from ten. But don't we always forever into
adulthood look at our dads or our father figures as
the strong. I'm going to lean on you. You are
my compet I know that. You know, up until the
day my dad died, which was not that long ago,
I called him about everything and he gives such good
advice and I I don't know like, if I would
(06:04):
have moved back in with him, I wonder, well I
would have helped I would have helped him.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah, yeah, you would have done that. Now That's happened
to me twice in my life, my adult life, I've
had to move back in just temporarily, Like I'm talking
months at a time, either between houses or in moves
or whatever, after failed relationships. But I came into it
with the I'm gonna buy dinner on two nights a week.
I'm gonna whatever that I'll pay, like the internet bill
or you know whatever, Like you go into it offering, yes, exactly.
(06:33):
I think a decent person does.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, And I would think also, if you're you're a
grateful person, you know that you don't have to go
get some lonely apartment somewhere.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Or these two, these two that have moved back in
with Daddy Darren, they could have found their own place
together instead of just leaning on Ded. But I think
sometimes when we're going through a hard thing, we want
the strength of our dad.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And sometimes I think that we can regress under times
of stress, so we start thinking more like a kid
rather than an adult. If they're under a lot of stress,
from the ending of these relations.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
See Sarah, I love regression. Yeah so I and I
think that, you know, had I had the opportunity regression,
I do like I would love to go home and
just be babied, you know, and not have a care
in the world and just you know, have my laundry done,
and dad and mom take care of me like a
(07:30):
little baby. You know. There were a couple of times
where I wanted to run home after I had left
home and I would call them crying. You know, I'm lonely,
I don't like this job, I don't like where I'm living,
I don't know to do, I'm out of money, and
I really I flirted with it a couple of times.
I didn't do it, but I almost did. How did
they respond? Ellen were always here for you. My mom
(07:52):
was the one who said, you need to stick this
out because she knew that it was only making me stronger, it.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Was making you stronger. I think that's actually a huge
compliment that adults pay their adult children, is the fate
that they can take care of themselves.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Mm hm oh yeah, I know. She was always like,
she's you can do this, you can get through this,
you know, just hang in there. I'm only a phone
call away. It was always I'm only a phone call away.
I will come out and see you if I need
to ride. Your mom flew out here when you really
need oh god, ye as an adult. And so that
seems like the way to handle Darren doesn't have that
luxury because they live here with him and now they're back, right,
(08:32):
and even.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
If it's not financial, maybe there are things they can
do around the house, whether it's cleaning or you know,
taking care of the landscaping or you know, going to
pick things up that their dad needs, like errands, could
even be a big help.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Sure, and I think that they can absolutely do those things.
There does need to be a step toward financial independence
and he needs to see that and that is completely appropriate.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah, because how long Sarah does some I mean, if
you're encouraging them that that's okay, Like what's your motivation
to then leave and get out away from him?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Well, that's where I blame Darren. It's really his fault. Yeah,
he's just allowing them to trample all over him.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
He hasn't stated at a boundary, and that's why this
relationship hasn't shifted from what it was when they were children.
He hasn't stated at the boundary.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Can I hear a little of his voice again? I
think we can hear clues in his voice.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
He sounds like a Hi, Sarah, I could use some
help here. I'm a dub. I've got five kids. They're
all grown up. Two of them have had really horrible
relationships with their partners or whatever. They've come back. They're adults.
They're living here now, and I'm happy they're here, but
it costs of fortune to have everybody under one roof,
(09:39):
and nobody's even asking me if they can help out financially.
I want to communicate with them. I love them and
I'm always going to try to be there for them,
but at this point, they're adults, and I just want
to figure out a way to ask them, could they
please also help support themselves. It's I feel really bad
(10:00):
about this, but I just I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I think he's afraid of rupturing the relationship by setting
a boundary, okay, which it's actually doing the opposite, because
there's going to be a lot of strain in the relationship.
It's going to move from a loving, warm relationship to
one of of a strained situation.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
And could we go back in time to when they
were children, and maybe that's when the boundaries were never set.
Maybe Darren has let his kids grow up. Now there's
only two out of five. I don't know what the
other three are. Of two, but maybe he's let them
grow up without boundaries, babying them, never never taking a stand,
and never saying no to them. And maybe that's why
(10:43):
they're back. Just like I said before, I don't know
if trample is the right word, but they're totally just
using him and he's letting them.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Thank god, we have a real therapist who puts it gently.
He would be like, they're trampling on Darren.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
You're a fool.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, I like Darren.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
You're timid, you're afraid, you're not being a leader, and
you're not really being a dad. You're being a big
whimp about it.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It's an opportunity for him to lead by example in
terms of setting boundaries. He wants these women to be
able to set boundaries in their future relationships, so he
needs to set that example.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Could Darren be the cause of their failed relationships? Oh
oh there.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
It's a really interesting question. What they saw growing up
likely does play into their current relationships, but I'm not
going to blame him for their lack of awareness or
ability to take responsibility.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
You go ahead, Sarah. Sarah's always so nice but also
so professional, and you are you, You are the pro.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
This is this is the one part that he needs
help with. And I just want to say, and I'm
going to say what I would do, okay.
Speaker 4 (11:50):
And I just want to figure out a way to
ask them, could they please also help support themselves?
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Okay? Got it, Darren?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Do this?
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Hey, can you also figure out a way to support yourselves?
Not hard? You just said it. I say it again
to them, all.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Right, Sarah dash is here therapy Thursday. We're talking about Dona.
Donna's been divorced three times. All right, So she hired
a matchmaker. I don't know, Ryan, have you ever been
matched by a matchmaker a professional.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
A friend? But I did have a matchmaker who owns
a service reach out, you know, before my relationship, said hey,
I'd love to have you on my site.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Really yeah, wait, you never told us this.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
And it was for only men and then the women
get to choose, right, it's.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
The only features I need decline.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I've never done an app I would never do in
my person, I would never do this ever.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
But we could dangle that man o, little mano piece
of meat down there.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
No, no, no, But what if I don't say little
oh oh wow?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
You never did? You kept that one for me?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Ryan's the carrot.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I couldn't do it. I've only out of that been
matched up once though by a friend. And it was
so it went so poorly.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Oh, I know it did. It went poorly. It was
doomed from the start. It was you know what, it
started a ball of flames. It was so incendiary, so hot,
so fast that that I think that do you set
the expectation with that that every time? Like even if
you're just random Sunday morning getting coffee, then everything's got
(13:34):
to be like a fireball.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Interesting. So it was just tremendous chemistry with this, you know.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
Let's get to dawn. Okay, we'll come back to me
at some point.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I want to think about that though. I want to
do not tremendous chemistry, but definite chemistry. Okay, I think
the kind that makes the lab explode. Yes, Like if
it were a meth house, it would be one of
those you know that you read about on the news,
and you know this one exploded and there's a fire, and.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
Then it's at It's like the four houses on the
both sides on fires catches the whole block.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Right, Ryan, I'd like to explore this further with you.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Yeah, I'd have to pay you for that one. Here's done.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:11):
I've been spending all this money on matchmakers and they're
either too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too hairy,
not enough hair, whatever it may be. Am I being
too picky? I have been married three times already.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Okay, that's divorcing Don. Now you are Sarah dash LMFs.
That is a licensed marriage and family therapist therapist. Oh
it's a tea not anss. Sorry, but you are Sarah
dash LMFT. So that's licensed marriage and family therapist. Yes,
so you've probably seen people like Don before who are
(14:48):
never happy.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Well, it's interesting because she's self reporting, basically that she's
too picky. She's saying that this person has not enough hair,
this person has too much hair, too tall, too short, whatever.
I'm really curious about the fact that she has been
married three times so she can find what she deems
to be an acceptable partner, it's not never happened.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
So three times there was someone who checked her.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Box absolutely, I mean like really checked her boxes, checkter
boxes enough to walk down the aisle.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Could it have been Maybe it was a rich guy
and the money, the money overshadowed the personal shortages that
she sees. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Well, you never know what makes somebody take God, what
would it be their story? It's like they have this
therefore this doesn't matter as much. And I mean it
could be money, it could be looks, it could.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Be the ocean.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, I mean, you never know what works for somebody.
But maybe because she had these three marriages which didn't
work out, she's very afraid of making another mistake. And
maybe seeing you know, too tall, too short is a
type of self protection at this point, and she could
(16:02):
be really frightened of having another what she considers to
be a failed marriage. When somebody tells me they've had
a lot of marriages, I think it actually says a
lot of very positive things.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Oh okay, yeah, wait so but how is that possible?
If the marriage is ended and it wasn't death or
something like that, then that's a failed marriage. But why
would that also be successful.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
When somebody is willing to walk down the aisle more
than once, more than twice. They tend to be really optimistic. Oh,
they have a willingness to commit, they form attachments, and
they also have a capacity to walk away when it's
not working. These are not necessarily bad things at all.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
I see that it's important that she or others not
kind of hold that as evidence that something's wrong with her.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
At what point? And maybe there isn't a number that
we can assign to this, but at what point does
one stop being so picky? I'll give you an example.
We were out with a couple friends a couple of
weeks ago, and we'll call her Lauren. We said, Lauren,
you should talk to this guy, and she was like,
oh my god, no, I can't with his facial hair.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Oh okay, and I that to me seems like fear.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
All she wants is somebody like That's all she's focused on.
And we're like, okay, how about this. Nope, not good
facial Okay, you can change facial hair. Just go go
say hi to them. See what happens.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I agree with Ellen.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I think that it's fear.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
It's a fear of rejection. Reject them before they can
reject her.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Yeah, but then why the fixation and the focus that
never really seems to end on finding somebody.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Because it's a it's a conflict. It's an internal conflict
of wanting something but then being afraid of being rejected. Okay,
there's an internal battle going on between those two states.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
So with don we don't know three divorces, it doesn't
mean she initiated them. So maybe she was dumped three
times and that would lead to a lot of fear,
like it's not the guy that's too harry or whatever
she said, it's her that she's not enough or that
she is afraid to get her heart broken again.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Well, I think you bring up something really important is
that if somebody is being picky, I don't have a
problem with that if they excel in the same areas
that they expect somebody else to excel in. Okay, if education,
level of education is super important to me, it's kind
(18:35):
of hard for that to work out if I dropped.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Out of the eighth grade, right right, right? You know,
So if I'm.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
A doctor and for me to want somebody with an education,
it's a reasonable expectation if I take good care of myself.
I'm attractive for me to want an attractive partner.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
It's when people want things and are looking for qualities
which they themselves don't possess that people start talking about
being realistic.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And by the way, I would love to hear what
these guys have to say about don't
Speaker 2 (19:07):
True
Sometimes I think that we can regress under times of stress,
so we start thinking more like a kid rather than
an adult if they're under a lot of stress.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
From the ending of these relates, see Sarah, I love regression. Yeah,
so welcome to another great edition of Therapy Thursday, where
we tackle your troubles. I'm Ellen Ki, I'm.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Ryan Manoch, and I'm Sarah Dash.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And Sarah, you have letters after your name because you
are a licensed therapist. What are those letters and what
do they mean?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
The l MFT stands for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
L l m f T LMFT. Okay, licensed marriage and
family therapist. You know, I never knew that. I just
knew you had licenses. And Sarah Dash our licensed therapist
here to you know, respond to all of the talkbacks,
(00:57):
the letters, all the stuff we get from you. So
many different issues that people deal with every day. And
that's why whenever I get frustrated on the road, if
someone's driving crazy or someone's like, you know, rude in
a line somewhere, I always think, we have no idea
what another person's going through. No, we don't.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
They could have just had a fight with their boss,
they could have just lost their job.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
You never know, Yeah, you never know it. And I
think that's really important for all of us to always
keep in mind, especially in a big city, well really anywhere.
But you just never know what that person is going through. No,
And I always wonder, like, do you ever drive buy
houses guys and think what is that person that lives
behind that gate?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Do?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
All the time? All the time? You know.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
When that started for me when I was a paper
I was delivered. I was a paper blow and I
was so curious about each one of their homes and
their lives, you know, and that curiosity, I think is
a good thing.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I do too. There's a giant home on Sunset Boulevard
that I drive by a lot when I'm just cutting
through town, and I was like, I really wonder what
that is, so I googled it. It's Phil Collins House.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Okay, so you know what be going on?
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Right, There's probably a studio, a lot of singing and music.
But I think that's really cool. And so yeah, so
we we never know as people what another is going through,
but we hear from you and we love it and
we love to bring Sarah in and do this podcast
so that we can you know, tackle these problems and
(02:22):
then you never know, maybe you're going through the same thing.
We got this one from a dad. His name is
Darren Eileen.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Good morning, Hi Sarah. I could use some help here.
I'm a dad. I've got five kids. They're all grown up.
Two of them have had really horrible relationships with their
partners or whatever. They've come back. They're adults. They're living
here now, and I'm happy they're here, but it costs
a fortune to have everybody under one roof, and nobody's
(02:52):
even asking me if they can help out financially. I
want to communicate with them. I love them and I'm
going to try to be there for them, but at
this point they're adults, and I just want to figure
out a way to ask them, could they please also
help support themselves. I feel really bad about this, but
(03:13):
I just I don't know what to do for Darren.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Do you see a lot of this in your practice.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I do see some of this in my practice, and
it's what I'm hearing is that this relationship has shifted
from love to one of obligation and adult relationships parents
and children. What you hope happens is there's going to
be this really beautiful metamorphosis into reciprocity, mutuality, and sometimes
(03:42):
boundaries need to be renegotiated.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Oh is it as simple as just calling a family
meeting and saying, guys, I love you, but we need
to talk. We just have to have a talk. And
it might be hard for him to even bring up
but is that the best way?
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I think that's absolutely the best way. I think that
in those conversations, he's going to want to lead with
love and affection, not blame accusations. It looks like I
really love you, I love having you in the house.
I'm not asking you to leave, but I can't sustainably
(04:15):
manage the financial obligations that I find myself under.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
It. And why do you suppose two out of the
five who moved back in with Daddy Darren, why do
you suppose they're not thinking, wow, I should help that,
like he's letting me stay under his roof. It's unfortunate
what happened. It's not like a failure to lunch. They had,
their relationships didn't work out. Now they're back. But why
aren't they thinking instead of this is my safe haven.
(04:41):
I should be helping out and pitching in.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
What happens is that people will mistake generosity for limitless capacity.
And this happens all the time. It happens in friendships,
family relationships. Someone's very generous and the person to whom
the generosity is being extended thinks it's limitless capacity. They
may very well not see him for who he is
(05:05):
at this time in his life.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
See I wonder too how far this goes back. It
could be that Darren brought them up in such a
way that they never really wanted for much, and they
never really viewed their dad as someone they had to
kind of you know, I.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Help, possibly right, And it's also I mean, I'm not
in any way saying this is his fault, but as
the father, he probably did hold himself out as the
provider the caretaker, which is completely appropriate when someone is ten,
but not necessarily job.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Is different from ten. But don't we always forever into
adulthood look at our dads or our father figures as
the strong. I'm going to lean on you. You are
my compet I know that. You know, up until the
day my dad died, which was not that long ago,
I called him about everything and he gives such good
advice and I I don't know like, if I would
(06:04):
have moved back in with him, I wonder, well I
would have helped I would have helped him.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah, yeah, you would have done that. Now That's happened
to me twice in my life, my adult life, I've
had to move back in just temporarily, Like I'm talking
months at a time, either between houses or in moves
or whatever, after failed relationships. But I came into it
with the I'm gonna buy dinner on two nights a week.
I'm gonna whatever that I'll pay, like the internet bill
or you know whatever, Like you go into it offering, yes, exactly.
(06:33):
I think a decent person does.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, And I would think also, if you're you're a
grateful person, you know that you don't have to go
get some lonely apartment somewhere.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Or these two, these two that have moved back in
with Daddy Darren, they could have found their own place
together instead of just leaning on Ded. But I think
sometimes when we're going through a hard thing, we want
the strength of our dad.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And sometimes I think that we can regress under times
of stress, so we start thinking more like a kid
rather than an adult. If they're under a lot of stress,
from the ending of these relations.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
See Sarah, I love regression. Yeah so I and I
think that, you know, had I had the opportunity regression,
I do like I would love to go home and
just be babied, you know, and not have a care
in the world and just you know, have my laundry done,
and dad and mom take care of me like a
(07:30):
little baby. You know. There were a couple of times
where I wanted to run home after I had left
home and I would call them crying. You know, I'm lonely,
I don't like this job, I don't like where I'm living,
I don't know to do, I'm out of money, and
I really I flirted with it a couple of times.
I didn't do it, but I almost did. How did
they respond? Ellen were always here for you. My mom
(07:52):
was the one who said, you need to stick this
out because she knew that it was only making me stronger, it.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Was making you stronger. I think that's actually a huge
compliment that adults pay their adult children, is the fate
that they can take care of themselves.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Mm hm oh yeah, I know. She was always like,
she's you can do this, you can get through this,
you know, just hang in there. I'm only a phone
call away. It was always I'm only a phone call away.
I will come out and see you if I need
to ride. Your mom flew out here when you really
need oh god, ye as an adult. And so that
seems like the way to handle Darren doesn't have that
luxury because they live here with him and now they're back, right,
(08:32):
and even.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
If it's not financial, maybe there are things they can
do around the house, whether it's cleaning or you know,
taking care of the landscaping or you know, going to
pick things up that their dad needs, like errands, could
even be a big help.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Sure, and I think that they can absolutely do those things.
There does need to be a step toward financial independence
and he needs to see that and that is completely appropriate.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah, because how long Sarah does some I mean, if
you're encouraging them that that's okay, Like what's your motivation
to then leave and get out away from him?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Well, that's where I blame Darren. It's really his fault. Yeah,
he's just allowing them to trample all over him.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
He hasn't stated at a boundary, and that's why this
relationship hasn't shifted from what it was when they were children.
He hasn't stated at the boundary.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Can I hear a little of his voice again? I
think we can hear clues in his voice.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
He sounds like a Hi, Sarah, I could use some
help here. I'm a dub. I've got five kids. They're
all grown up. Two of them have had really horrible
relationships with their partners or whatever. They've come back. They're adults.
They're living here now, and I'm happy they're here, but
it costs of fortune to have everybody under one roof,
(09:39):
and nobody's even asking me if they can help out financially.
I want to communicate with them. I love them and
I'm always going to try to be there for them,
but at this point, they're adults, and I just want
to figure out a way to ask them, could they
please also help support themselves. It's I feel really bad
(10:00):
about this, but I just I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I think he's afraid of rupturing the relationship by setting
a boundary, okay, which it's actually doing the opposite, because
there's going to be a lot of strain in the relationship.
It's going to move from a loving, warm relationship to
one of of a strained situation.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
And could we go back in time to when they
were children, and maybe that's when the boundaries were never set.
Maybe Darren has let his kids grow up. Now there's
only two out of five. I don't know what the
other three are. Of two, but maybe he's let them
grow up without boundaries, babying them, never never taking a stand,
and never saying no to them. And maybe that's why
(10:43):
they're back. Just like I said before, I don't know
if trample is the right word, but they're totally just
using him and he's letting them.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Thank god, we have a real therapist who puts it gently.
He would be like, they're trampling on Darren.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
You're a fool.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, I like Darren.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
You're timid, you're afraid, you're not being a leader, and
you're not really being a dad. You're being a big
whimp about it.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It's an opportunity for him to lead by example in
terms of setting boundaries. He wants these women to be
able to set boundaries in their future relationships, so he
needs to set that example.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Could Darren be the cause of their failed relationships? Oh
oh there.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
It's a really interesting question. What they saw growing up
likely does play into their current relationships, but I'm not
going to blame him for their lack of awareness or
ability to take responsibility.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
You go ahead, Sarah. Sarah's always so nice but also
so professional, and you are you, You are the pro.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
This is this is the one part that he needs
help with. And I just want to say, and I'm
going to say what I would do, okay.
Speaker 4 (11:50):
And I just want to figure out a way to
ask them, could they please also help support themselves?
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Okay? Got it, Darren?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Do this?
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Hey, can you also figure out a way to support yourselves?
Not hard? You just said it. I say it again
to them, all.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Right, Sarah dash is here therapy Thursday. We're talking about Dona.
Donna's been divorced three times. All right, So she hired
a matchmaker. I don't know, Ryan, have you ever been
matched by a matchmaker a professional.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
A friend? But I did have a matchmaker who owns
a service reach out, you know, before my relationship, said hey,
I'd love to have you on my site.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Really yeah, wait, you never told us this.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
And it was for only men and then the women
get to choose, right, it's.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
The only features I need decline.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I've never done an app I would never do in
my person, I would never do this ever.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
But we could dangle that man o, little mano piece
of meat down there.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
No, no, no, But what if I don't say little
oh oh wow?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
You never did? You kept that one for me?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Ryan's the carrot.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I couldn't do it. I've only out of that been
matched up once though by a friend. And it was
so it went so poorly.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Oh, I know it did. It went poorly. It was
doomed from the start. It was you know what, it
started a ball of flames. It was so incendiary, so hot,
so fast that that I think that do you set
the expectation with that that every time? Like even if
you're just random Sunday morning getting coffee, then everything's got
(13:34):
to be like a fireball.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Interesting. So it was just tremendous chemistry with this, you know.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
Let's get to dawn. Okay, we'll come back to me
at some point.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I want to think about that though. I want to
do not tremendous chemistry, but definite chemistry. Okay, I think
the kind that makes the lab explode. Yes, Like if
it were a meth house, it would be one of
those you know that you read about on the news,
and you know this one exploded and there's a fire, and.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
Then it's at It's like the four houses on the
both sides on fires catches the whole block.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Right, Ryan, I'd like to explore this further with you.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Yeah, I'd have to pay you for that one. Here's done.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:11):
I've been spending all this money on matchmakers and they're
either too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too hairy,
not enough hair, whatever it may be. Am I being
too picky? I have been married three times already.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Okay, that's divorcing Don. Now you are Sarah dash LMFs.
That is a licensed marriage and family therapist therapist. Oh
it's a tea not anss. Sorry, but you are Sarah
dash LMFT. So that's licensed marriage and family therapist. Yes,
so you've probably seen people like Don before who are
(14:48):
never happy.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Well, it's interesting because she's self reporting, basically that she's
too picky. She's saying that this person has not enough hair,
this person has too much hair, too tall, too short, whatever.
I'm really curious about the fact that she has been
married three times so she can find what she deems
to be an acceptable partner, it's not never happened.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
So three times there was someone who checked her.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Box absolutely, I mean like really checked her boxes, checkter
boxes enough to walk down the aisle.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Could it have been Maybe it was a rich guy
and the money, the money overshadowed the personal shortages that
she sees. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Well, you never know what makes somebody take God, what
would it be their story? It's like they have this
therefore this doesn't matter as much. And I mean it
could be money, it could be looks, it could.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Be the ocean.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, I mean, you never know what works for somebody.
But maybe because she had these three marriages which didn't
work out, she's very afraid of making another mistake. And
maybe seeing you know, too tall, too short is a
type of self protection at this point, and she could
(16:02):
be really frightened of having another what she considers to
be a failed marriage. When somebody tells me they've had
a lot of marriages, I think it actually says a
lot of very positive things.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Oh okay, yeah, wait so but how is that possible?
If the marriage is ended and it wasn't death or
something like that, then that's a failed marriage. But why
would that also be successful.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
When somebody is willing to walk down the aisle more
than once, more than twice. They tend to be really optimistic. Oh,
they have a willingness to commit, they form attachments, and
they also have a capacity to walk away when it's
not working. These are not necessarily bad things at all.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
I see that it's important that she or others not
kind of hold that as evidence that something's wrong with her.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
At what point? And maybe there isn't a number that
we can assign to this, but at what point does
one stop being so picky? I'll give you an example.
We were out with a couple friends a couple of
weeks ago, and we'll call her Lauren. We said, Lauren,
you should talk to this guy, and she was like,
oh my god, no, I can't with his facial hair.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Oh okay, and I that to me seems like fear.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
All she wants is somebody like That's all she's focused on.
And we're like, okay, how about this. Nope, not good
facial Okay, you can change facial hair. Just go go
say hi to them. See what happens.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I agree with Ellen.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I think that it's fear.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
It's a fear of rejection. Reject them before they can
reject her.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Yeah, but then why the fixation and the focus that
never really seems to end on finding somebody.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Because it's a it's a conflict. It's an internal conflict
of wanting something but then being afraid of being rejected. Okay,
there's an internal battle going on between those two states.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
So with don we don't know three divorces, it doesn't
mean she initiated them. So maybe she was dumped three
times and that would lead to a lot of fear,
like it's not the guy that's too harry or whatever
she said, it's her that she's not enough or that
she is afraid to get her heart broken again.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Well, I think you bring up something really important is
that if somebody is being picky, I don't have a
problem with that if they excel in the same areas
that they expect somebody else to excel in. Okay, if education,
level of education is super important to me, it's kind
(18:35):
of hard for that to work out if I dropped.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Out of the eighth grade, right right, right? You know,
So if I'm.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
A doctor and for me to want somebody with an education,
it's a reasonable expectation if I take good care of myself.
I'm attractive for me to want an attractive partner.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
It's when people want things and are looking for qualities
which they themselves don't possess that people start talking about
being realistic.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And by the way, I would love to hear what
these guys have to say about don't
Speaker 2 (19:07):
True
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