June 11, 2026 • 23 mins
Trina’s best friend, Misty, has broken one of the biggest unspoken rules in the friendship handbook: she’s dating Trina’s long-term ex-boyfriend, Brandon. Even though Trina was the one who ended the relationship and things ended amicably, it still hurts. Misty was there for all the post-breakup drinks and ugly cries, but when Trina confronted her, Misty stood her ground, saying that Trina was the one who dumped him and Brandon is fair game now. Even Trina’s mom thinks she needs to let it go or risk losing both of them. Should Misty have told Trina about her feelings first? And is Trina justified in feeling hurt and uncomfortable?
In our second session, Aaron, 28, has fallen hard for Abby, 50. She’s brilliant, independent, adventurous and unlike anyone he’s ever met before. After nine months of dates that felt straight out of a movie, Abby ended things. She doesn’t see a future and doesn’t want to invest more time in something she believes won’t last. She wants Aaron to find someone closer to his own age, but Aaron doesn’t want anyone else. He wants Abby. Should he respect her decision and walk away or fight for the relationship?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Therapy Thursday. We come together, three friends offering therapy. Two
of us not licensed, one of us with a license.
I have no license to, you know, give advice. My
name is Helen k.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
The only license I have is to drive. I'm Ryan
Mano and.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
I'm Sarah Dash and surprisingly I've been given a license.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
You are a licensed therapist. So is it like a
you take a test like you would for a PhD
or okay, and it's a lats of studying. Yeah, you
got to take a.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Lot of tests and do like I think it's three
thousand hours, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Or you take your test. Whoa, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
You do your postgraduate work and then your three thousand
hours Oh wow, trainee in turn, and then you take your.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Test and then wow, well thank you for walking all
that experience through the door. My gosh. Right, Therapy Thursday.
So Trina is on the line right now, Sarah, okay.
And that's what you do. You help people. It is
what it says you're calling for therapy. We have a
licensed therapist. Started as a radio show and now we're podcast.
(01:08):
Proud to be but Trina, thank you so much for
reaching out. So what's going on with you?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
So, Ellen, I think my best friend just broke the
biggest rule in the friendship handbook, and now she's acting
like I'm being unreasonable. Yeah, my best friend is Misty
and she's like my rider dies into middle school. And
recently she told me she's seeing someone new, and you know,
at first I was very excited for her until she
(01:35):
told me it was my ex boyfriend Brandon. Okay, wow, yeah,
and yeah it's Matthew. Brandon and I dated for four years.
Holidays with each other's families, we took trips together, you know,
the whole we might actually end up getting married someday
kind of relationship. And well, I ended it about a
(01:55):
year ago because it kind of just felt like the
passion was gone, just like we had kind of you know,
cut her out a little bit and it wasn't messy,
but it did still hurt.
Speaker 5 (02:04):
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Yeah, well you but you broke it off. You were
ready to break it off, and you did. That happens
every day.
Speaker 4 (02:12):
Yeah, it's just you know, Misty knows this better than anyone,
and she was there for every ugly cry and every
break up. Marguerite at Casa Vega. Now suddenly they're just
they're just dating. And you know, when I told her
it felt wrong, she actually shrugged and just said, Trina,
you dumped him. Brendan is fair game. And my mom
(02:36):
agrees with Misty, and she told me just to get
over it or I'll lose both of them. It feels
like there should be a rule book. This is your
best friend's serious ex is permanently off limits.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
You know, I well, Sarah, I don't know, Sarah. You've
probably seen a lot of this in your practice. Someone
discards something and then their best friend picks it up.
So Ryan and I were talking about if I don't
want my sofa anymore, and I put it on the
curb and then it's gone in ten minutes. I don't
(03:09):
know where, but I'm done with it. Then I go
to Ryan's house and I see that he took it
and didn't say anything. Is that a violation? Like is
it okay to date someone's ex and not tell them?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I think that was Actually the primary violation is that
Misty acted on her feelings rather than discussing them with
Trina first. And then there's this massive invalidation, massive minimization,
and there's a difference in what we're allowed to do like,
(03:44):
is this actionable? Is she going to get arrested? No,
but it doesn't mean that it's harmless or consequence free
just because we're allowed to do something.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
So Trina, how is it between you guys?
Speaker 4 (03:55):
Now you and Misty, Well, it's a little uncomfortable to
say the least. You know, I'm really trying to not
hate on her. It's just this entire situation has left
me feeling very jilted, and now I feel like I
can't even have the same relationship we.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
Used to have.
Speaker 4 (04:15):
It just feels so uncomfortable that this girl who's been
there for me through everything and was even you know,
pretty to intimate and you know, information regarding me and Brandon,
that she could just kind of take that for her
own youth. And it's just very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
But it's been a year. If you don't mind, true,
I'm going to jump in here and I'm going to
start by saying that I find this to be very
selfish of you. No offense, Sorry, I do, because you
didn't want him, like your life went in a different direction.
And you ever give a dog a bone and it
like it, maybe there's another dog that comes up, but
(04:51):
the dog's not eating the bone. It just wants to
keep the bone close. Who you're not eating it? What
are you protecting? What are you protecting?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
There are feelings here in friendship that they has been
I feel discarded. There's there's a friendship. There's a friendship
where you do share, you share things with your best friends.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Well, it's an implicit loyalty contract when we witness the
intimate nature of somebody else's rule.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Right, guys, what's that code?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Would be different if she took her from him?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
But no, it wouldn't because because and and Tretah. You
you were there with Missy most of your life, and
then this guy comes in for four years and then
all of a sudden, Misty tells you a meta guy
and it happens to be Brandon, just so casual. I
think that's a broken girl code for sure. For sure.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Do you think that you would have felt differently if
she had come to you and said, look, this happened.
I ran into you know, Brandon, I think, you know,
maybe there's a potential for us to have something, And
I want to know how you would feel about that.
Would you be feeling different at it? Now?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:02):
I did think about that and she be honest, even
though overall I'd be uncomfortable to the situation. I would
have appreciated it if she'd come to me first so
we could talk about it, because the way she talked
about it to me now, she just tried to make
it so like off the cuff, like it wasn't even
really that big of a deal, and I felt like
she ignored my feelings.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And that's the problem.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Though I broke it up.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
That's the problem is that she made it not a
big deal when it's very much of a big deal
to you. And whether she thinks it's a big deal
or whether we think it's a big deal. If it's
a big deal to you, that's a big deal to
the people who love us.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Yeah, I just I feel disregarded in this whole thing.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
But what would you have said. Let's go back to
Sarah's question. Realistically, she sits you down and says, hey, Trina,
I want to talk, and here's the situation, and it's
Brandon and oh my god, Like, realistically, your your output,
your input, your your your whole vibe on this is
not changing one bit. You're gonna hate it regardless. It
(07:03):
doesn't matter if she came to you first, you wouldn't
want it.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Good point, Ryan, That's why Misty should never have gone
for Brandon any way. There are so many people in
the world bye bye. By attaching to Brandon like a leech,
this is her letting all the other guys around her
that could be a great match for her go. It's
(07:27):
a scarcity mentality.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
She found her person, and.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It just so we don't even know if this is
her person, this was not her person. And by the way,
was she flirting with Brandon while Brandon was still with you? Trina?
Then you got to think back, am I crazy? Or
were they actually hooking up before I even dumped them?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And did they're hooking up lead to the breakup?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Interesting?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
This could all be manipulated.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Is that something that you thought about, if you wondered whether.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
There's there was even I didn't even really think of
it like that.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Until now, Welcome to Cynical Valley.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Till now, Yeah, I guess that's where I'm at now.
It's just, you know, I never thought i'd be put
in this position, so I never really thought this far ahead.
To be perfectly honest.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
You know, Treament. If it's something out there and I'm
not trying to make you feel, you know, even more
more distressed than you already do. But your mom's reaction
is concerning to me because I hear her kind of
doing the same thing that Misty did.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Like get over it, like get over it. Doesn't matter
what you feel or how you feel, you need to
deal with it. It's like all on, Trina, it's all
on your shoulders. Yeah, and that's not fair. That's not love,
that's not friendship, that's not even motherly.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
And when somebody's generally doing that, when they take the
get over it stance, it's she only about managing their
own discomfort.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yes, yes, all right, Well Mike is dying to talk
to us, you guys, so are we?
Speaker 5 (09:01):
Trina? Are you?
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Are you good here or you know? Do you want
Trina on for Mike or what? I don't know?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah? I do? Okay, Trina, do you want to hear
what Mike has to say?
Speaker 4 (09:10):
Well, you know what, I'm already here.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Let's do it, Okay, all right, Mike, thank you so
much for coming in. You say that it could be
happiness between Misty and Brandon, and you have a story
to share. What is it?
Speaker 7 (09:25):
So two buddies, best friends through high school into college.
One of them had a longtime girlfriend, I think five
years they ended up picking up and six months later
his best friend went out with his ex girlfriend. They're
married today fifteen years, have three kids, literally happily ever
(09:47):
after that.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yes, okay, all right, okay.
Speaker 7 (09:49):
But remember the girls agreeing to date the guy too.
So yes, it's a mutual thing, both sides of the story,
and if it would make them happy. The only comfortable
thing is if they become a couple and the three
of them are going to have a hard time going
out if if he can't handle it, if he can't
handle it.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Right, right, right, right, Okay, all right, Michael, that's a
that's a fairy tale story. That's a good one.
Speaker 7 (10:12):
Yeah, but good luck to them.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, okay, thank you, Mike Devora. I think I know
what you're going to say. It's the way it all
came down.
Speaker 6 (10:26):
My opinion, and this is just my opinion. If it
was my friend, I would ask permission before I dated him.
And if she was really over him and okay with it,
and she gave me permission, then okay, like if the
friends really like I don't really care, go ahead, right, then,
go ahead, go ahead, go.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Ahead, go ahead, Yeah, go ahead, you need the go ahead? Ahead,
bell g apostrophe head, go ahead, you go ahead, go ahead, Trina, Trina,
you would you give the go ahead? It sounds like
no way. No.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
I think I'm gonna have to say no way.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah, Sarah, I think this is what it is.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
It's individual. Trance certainly has the right to step away
from this and let them with their life. Hopefully wish
them well, but you know what to expect. We can't
argue somebody into caring about how we feel. You know,
you can make your point, you can explain why you
feel this way. But I think it sounds like Misty's
(11:36):
made her decision and Brandon has too, and that's something
that you're gonna have to come to terms with.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Here's the question that Sarah just asked. Okay, Trina, Sarah said, hopefully,
wish them well?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Do you.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
I have to be honest in this moment, I do not.
I think I'm still very sore and raw from this
whole experience. I would like to think maybe once I've
healed a little, there's a part of me who can
be happy for them. But right now where I'm currently
at I just can't. I think I need time to
really process all this.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Trina, I would just be gone, Look, you have us, now,
you don't need Misty. You're done with Brandon and you
and now you're gonna have a relationship with us. Now
you're gonna have to patch it up with your mother.
That's the one that makes me sad.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, that concerns me too, And I do hope that
talking about this and getting the validation, getting the normalization
of what you're feeling, can be part of that healing
process so you can step away from it so you're
you know, you're hearing, you're not crazy, you're understandably upset,
you understand some of the reasons why you were so upset,
(12:47):
and then you can let go.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Okay, all right, well it sounds like that's what I'm
gonna have to do.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
We need a therapy Thursday follow up with you, so
we're going to hang on to your number.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
I would love that.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Thank you, Thank you well. I wish you nothing but happiness,
good times, and a great new guy not named Brandon.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Have a good one.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Thanks Trina, thank you too.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
It was nice of you.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Thanks.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yes, we have more call.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Do you want more calls?
Speaker 7 (13:23):
We done?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
No, she's out, doesn't matter if anyone else says Thursday,
all right, Aaron is in love with a cougar. Cougar love?
Can it work? Aaron? Twenty eight? Wait till you. Here
is cougar's age. We're going to tell Thanks David. This
(13:54):
therapy Thursday. Let's get to erin. Okay needs help. Aaron
is twenty eight years old and he met a cougar,
someone older than him. Her name is Abby and Abby
is fifty, So twenty eight and fifty quick math, it's
twenty to twenty two years. My dad was a math scientist.
(14:18):
Guys twenty two year difference. And Aaron fell in love
with Abby. She's like no one he's ever met before.
Okay said, I am twenty eight. The most incredible woman
I've ever known. Just broke my heart. Her name is Abby,
she's fifty. This isn't some midlighte fling or a cougar fantasy.
(14:39):
Abby's the real deal. She's divorced, independent, brilliant, avengerous, and
one of the most beautiful women I've ever known. We
met online, and from our very first coffee something clicked
for the past nine months, We've had dates that felt
like scenes out of a movie. We've closed down restaurants
around us. We laugh till we cry. Last week she
ended it because she says we don't have a future. Okay.
(15:02):
She told me she doesn't want to invest more time
in something that isn't going anywhere, and she wants me
to be able to go out and find someone of
my own age. Okay, I don't want another person. I
want her. I want her. Do I respect her decision
to walk away? Or do I fight for the woman
I believe I'm meant to be with.
Speaker 6 (15:19):
Eric.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I don't hear that she's rejecting him. She's rejecting a trajectory.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
She's looking at.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
A future that she's not comfortable with. It's not it
sounds like, I mean, he thinks she's wonderful. It sounds
like he's still deep in the infatuation phase. She seems
to have moved out of that and is looking at
things realistically.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So the age gap twenty two years. He's still in
his late twenties. She's fifty, so she's seen more of
life than Himah, And the trajectory, so she's looking ahead
like Okay, this guy's in love with me. He wants me.
In ten years he'll be thirty eight, I'll be sixty. Yeah.
When he's forty eight, I'll be seventy. Yeah. She sees
(16:04):
no future.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
It's just not a future that she's comfortable with.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Okay, that she's comfortable with because you see couples where
there is a cougar couple, and there are famous couples
even who she's older than him, Bo Derek and John Corbett,
same kind of thing, but they've had a lasting, long relationship.
So it does work out in the world and it
(16:29):
can work.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
But she doesn't like the way that looks. It's not
about whether it would work for somebody else. She's being
really clear that this isn't how she sees her future,
and it's important, I think, to respect that because, I mean,
it doesn't sound like this is a fear based or
confusion based decision, right.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I mean, listen, Sarah, you just said she doesn't see
the future. I'm wondering if she even sees the present
or the near past the same way because the way
that Aaron I'm reading this letter again, the way he's
describing these things, it almost sounds like his fairy tale, honor,
this dream come true, this thing. But you almost put
yourself in her space and go, what were you feeling
(17:14):
while he was feeling this.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
You're saying so much projection and idealization, which is commonplace.
It's part of the infatuation phase. There's not a lot
of clarity there, and it's not problematic. It's what happens
in most relationships. Yeah, and I really like the way,
it's very sweet how he talks about who he is
(17:38):
in that relationship. So we not only fall in love
with a person, we fall in love with ourselves. Yes,
that's why it's so powerful, and it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
And heartbreaking for him because she's discarded that ideal Yes.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Yeah, and it sounds like the identity that he had
finally been looking for in himself is gone.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Yeah, it's not necessarily gone. She's reflecting it back. His
job right now is to hold on to that, to
that identity expansion. There's a word for it, identity activation,
which is when we see parts of ourselves that we
didn't necessarily know are there, we become more of ourselves.
The goal is to hold on too that in his future.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But how does one do that if this in this hurt,
he's you know, he feels like it's all gone, Like,
how do you how do you sift through the hurt
and make sure you're preserving that identity activation.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Because that is who he is. It's not it doesn't
disappear because she's no longer there. He can internalize it,
and he reflects that back to himself. He's not looking
for someone else to reflect that back to him.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
He says, I don't want someone my age. I'm looking
for her. He's really really in love with her. He is,
he's really infatuated. So nine months is still infatuation.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Absolutely none when you think about infatuation generally three to
eighteen months. He's right in the middle of it. She's
likely moved out of it. If you make a really
good point, maybe she wasn't there, maybe she wasn't viewing
this relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
But why would you keep going for nine months? If
you know you could as if I'm abby and I
feel that this guy's just head over heels with me,
Am I leading him on? If I'm if I'm continuing
at the same pace for nine months, it doesn't sound
like they ever slowed down, and she is.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
If that's what was going on. She's made I think
a really wise decision.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
To stop it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Okay, okay, But also we don't have the frequency of
dates within the night. All we know is nine months,
they could have gone out three times and that meant cycle.
I'm just saying we don't have We need a little
more like were you guys together three nights a week?
That's different to me. Then I'll see you in May.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Oh right, okay, all right, you know who do you
want to go to? You first, we got calls.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Let's go to Virginia.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Okay, So you say no. As a mom, you say.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
No, I think that I would be totally uncomfortable because
I have grown children and I would not be comfortable
with my son dating a older woman. Well that's much
of a different gap, like like him dating me. That's
so weird.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Okay, okay, So what if he's happy though, and that's
about you?
Speaker 5 (20:30):
Is he looking for like a mother figure?
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Like in my mind, I'm like, okay, you already have
a mother.
Speaker 5 (20:35):
You don't need.
Speaker 6 (20:40):
O Virginia like that.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Okay, Virginia says hard no, move on erin Okay, thanks
so much, Virginia.
Speaker 6 (20:48):
You're welcome.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
Have a wonderful day, you.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Too, Connie wants to talk Connie, you think what.
Speaker 4 (21:00):
I don't mean to be cynical at all, but has
anybody said anything about money?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Oh what do.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
You think he's a gold digger or you know, unfortunately
sometimes in these age different things fast a faster.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Or maybe he's not making enough money. And she's like,
you know, you're still you're a boy. You don't have
a career, you don't have you can't support me.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Well right either way. I just don't know if that's
an issue in the circumstance at all.
Speaker 6 (21:27):
I didn't know if that would come up with it.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Oh it didn't. It didn't in his letter. I wonder
if she would have written a letter what she would say, like,
I got this kid who's just like drooling over me
like a puppy, and I'm paying for everything. He mentions
the dinners, but who bought the dinner or exactly?
Speaker 4 (21:44):
I love you, listen to you every morning.
Speaker 6 (21:46):
I have a lovely day, you too.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Have a lovely day. A therapy Thursday. So yeah, money
finances that could be really attractive. There was a friend
I knew he was an aerobics instructor. Mm hmm, and
he had an older client in class and it was
about the same age difference I would think between Abby
and Aaron. And she was throwing herself at him and
(22:11):
she had a lot of money. Okay, well, he had
a girlfriend. So he went to his girlfriend and said, look,
I've got this client. I just want you to know
I'm not leading her on. I'm this or that. In
case you ever you hear anything, I'm innocent. She really
really wants me, and she's even said she's propositioned me
multiple times. And so his girlfriend said, if you want
(22:35):
her to give you a Rolex, I will look the
other way. Interested like, go ahead, take it, just don't
I don't want to know about it. But hey, I'm
fine with it. So I don't know. It just sounds
but Aaron. It sounds like Aaron wants to go really
serious with Abby.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
So let's answer his question. Then, do I fight for
the woman I believe I meant to be with?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Does he Sarah?
Speaker 3 (22:59):
No, she's clear, she has clarity. He needs to respect
her autonomy. Maybe circle back six months see where they are,
But you know, she's she's really clear. And again it's
not a rejection of him, doesn't mean she hasn't cared
for him, deeply enjoyed the relationship. It's just not a
future that she wants for herself.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
There's a Netflix show called Age of Attraction, and it
tackles all different age groups, not just Ris right right,
and but with the cougar relationship, at least the episode
that I was watching, they were super practical about it,
like Abby, like it's never going to work. You can't
do this, just like you were saying, the projection of
(23:40):
it is is just not feasible, right, So, but we
accept it when men do it. It happens very true
all the time. Therapy there. Thanks for
Therapy Thursday. We come together, three friends offering therapy. Two
of us not licensed, one of us with a license.
I have no license to, you know, give advice. My
name is Helen k.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
The only license I have is to drive. I'm Ryan
Mano and.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
I'm Sarah Dash and surprisingly I've been given a license.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
You are a licensed therapist. So is it like a
you take a test like you would for a PhD
or okay, and it's a lats of studying. Yeah, you
got to take a.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Lot of tests and do like I think it's three
thousand hours, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Or you take your test. Whoa, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
You do your postgraduate work and then your three thousand
hours Oh wow, trainee in turn, and then you take your.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Test and then wow, well thank you for walking all
that experience through the door. My gosh. Right, Therapy Thursday.
So Trina is on the line right now, Sarah, okay.
And that's what you do. You help people. It is
what it says you're calling for therapy. We have a
licensed therapist. Started as a radio show and now we're podcast.
(01:08):
Proud to be but Trina, thank you so much for
reaching out. So what's going on with you?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
So, Ellen, I think my best friend just broke the
biggest rule in the friendship handbook, and now she's acting
like I'm being unreasonable. Yeah, my best friend is Misty
and she's like my rider dies into middle school. And
recently she told me she's seeing someone new, and you know,
at first I was very excited for her until she
(01:35):
told me it was my ex boyfriend Brandon. Okay, wow, yeah,
and yeah it's Matthew. Brandon and I dated for four years.
Holidays with each other's families, we took trips together, you know,
the whole we might actually end up getting married someday
kind of relationship. And well, I ended it about a
(01:55):
year ago because it kind of just felt like the
passion was gone, just like we had kind of you know,
cut her out a little bit and it wasn't messy,
but it did still hurt.
Speaker 5 (02:04):
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Yeah, well you but you broke it off. You were
ready to break it off, and you did. That happens
every day.
Speaker 4 (02:12):
Yeah, it's just you know, Misty knows this better than anyone,
and she was there for every ugly cry and every
break up. Marguerite at Casa Vega. Now suddenly they're just
they're just dating. And you know, when I told her
it felt wrong, she actually shrugged and just said, Trina,
you dumped him. Brendan is fair game. And my mom
(02:36):
agrees with Misty, and she told me just to get
over it or I'll lose both of them. It feels
like there should be a rule book. This is your
best friend's serious ex is permanently off limits.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
You know, I well, Sarah, I don't know, Sarah. You've
probably seen a lot of this in your practice. Someone
discards something and then their best friend picks it up.
So Ryan and I were talking about if I don't
want my sofa anymore, and I put it on the
curb and then it's gone in ten minutes. I don't
(03:09):
know where, but I'm done with it. Then I go
to Ryan's house and I see that he took it
and didn't say anything. Is that a violation? Like is
it okay to date someone's ex and not tell them?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I think that was Actually the primary violation is that
Misty acted on her feelings rather than discussing them with
Trina first. And then there's this massive invalidation, massive minimization,
and there's a difference in what we're allowed to do like,
(03:44):
is this actionable? Is she going to get arrested? No,
but it doesn't mean that it's harmless or consequence free
just because we're allowed to do something.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
So Trina, how is it between you guys?
Speaker 4 (03:55):
Now you and Misty, Well, it's a little uncomfortable to
say the least. You know, I'm really trying to not
hate on her. It's just this entire situation has left
me feeling very jilted, and now I feel like I
can't even have the same relationship we.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
Used to have.
Speaker 4 (04:15):
It just feels so uncomfortable that this girl who's been
there for me through everything and was even you know,
pretty to intimate and you know, information regarding me and Brandon,
that she could just kind of take that for her
own youth. And it's just very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
But it's been a year. If you don't mind, true,
I'm going to jump in here and I'm going to
start by saying that I find this to be very
selfish of you. No offense, Sorry, I do, because you
didn't want him, like your life went in a different direction.
And you ever give a dog a bone and it
like it, maybe there's another dog that comes up, but
(04:51):
the dog's not eating the bone. It just wants to
keep the bone close. Who you're not eating it? What
are you protecting? What are you protecting?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
There are feelings here in friendship that they has been
I feel discarded. There's there's a friendship. There's a friendship
where you do share, you share things with your best friends.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Well, it's an implicit loyalty contract when we witness the
intimate nature of somebody else's rule.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Right, guys, what's that code?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Would be different if she took her from him?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
But no, it wouldn't because because and and Tretah. You
you were there with Missy most of your life, and
then this guy comes in for four years and then
all of a sudden, Misty tells you a meta guy
and it happens to be Brandon, just so casual. I
think that's a broken girl code for sure. For sure.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Do you think that you would have felt differently if
she had come to you and said, look, this happened.
I ran into you know, Brandon, I think, you know,
maybe there's a potential for us to have something, And
I want to know how you would feel about that.
Would you be feeling different at it? Now?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:02):
I did think about that and she be honest, even
though overall I'd be uncomfortable to the situation. I would
have appreciated it if she'd come to me first so
we could talk about it, because the way she talked
about it to me now, she just tried to make
it so like off the cuff, like it wasn't even
really that big of a deal, and I felt like
she ignored my feelings.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And that's the problem.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Though I broke it up.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
That's the problem is that she made it not a
big deal when it's very much of a big deal
to you. And whether she thinks it's a big deal
or whether we think it's a big deal. If it's
a big deal to you, that's a big deal to
the people who love us.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Yeah, I just I feel disregarded in this whole thing.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
But what would you have said. Let's go back to
Sarah's question. Realistically, she sits you down and says, hey, Trina,
I want to talk, and here's the situation, and it's
Brandon and oh my god, Like, realistically, your your output,
your input, your your your whole vibe on this is
not changing one bit. You're gonna hate it regardless. It
(07:03):
doesn't matter if she came to you first, you wouldn't
want it.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Good point, Ryan, That's why Misty should never have gone
for Brandon any way. There are so many people in
the world bye bye. By attaching to Brandon like a leech,
this is her letting all the other guys around her
that could be a great match for her go. It's
(07:27):
a scarcity mentality.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
She found her person, and.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It just so we don't even know if this is
her person, this was not her person. And by the way,
was she flirting with Brandon while Brandon was still with you? Trina?
Then you got to think back, am I crazy? Or
were they actually hooking up before I even dumped them?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And did they're hooking up lead to the breakup?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Interesting?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
This could all be manipulated.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Is that something that you thought about, if you wondered whether.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
There's there was even I didn't even really think of
it like that.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Until now, Welcome to Cynical Valley.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Till now, Yeah, I guess that's where I'm at now.
It's just, you know, I never thought i'd be put
in this position, so I never really thought this far ahead.
To be perfectly honest.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
You know, Treament. If it's something out there and I'm
not trying to make you feel, you know, even more
more distressed than you already do. But your mom's reaction
is concerning to me because I hear her kind of
doing the same thing that Misty did.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Like get over it, like get over it. Doesn't matter
what you feel or how you feel, you need to
deal with it. It's like all on, Trina, it's all
on your shoulders. Yeah, and that's not fair. That's not love,
that's not friendship, that's not even motherly.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
And when somebody's generally doing that, when they take the
get over it stance, it's she only about managing their
own discomfort.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yes, yes, all right, Well Mike is dying to talk
to us, you guys, so are we?
Speaker 5 (09:01):
Trina? Are you?
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Are you good here or you know? Do you want
Trina on for Mike or what? I don't know?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah? I do? Okay, Trina, do you want to hear
what Mike has to say?
Speaker 4 (09:10):
Well, you know what, I'm already here.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Let's do it, Okay, all right, Mike, thank you so
much for coming in. You say that it could be
happiness between Misty and Brandon, and you have a story
to share. What is it?
Speaker 7 (09:25):
So two buddies, best friends through high school into college.
One of them had a longtime girlfriend, I think five
years they ended up picking up and six months later
his best friend went out with his ex girlfriend. They're
married today fifteen years, have three kids, literally happily ever
(09:47):
after that.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yes, okay, all right, okay.
Speaker 7 (09:49):
But remember the girls agreeing to date the guy too.
So yes, it's a mutual thing, both sides of the story,
and if it would make them happy. The only comfortable
thing is if they become a couple and the three
of them are going to have a hard time going
out if if he can't handle it, if he can't
handle it.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Right, right, right, right, Okay, all right, Michael, that's a
that's a fairy tale story. That's a good one.
Speaker 7 (10:12):
Yeah, but good luck to them.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, okay, thank you, Mike Devora. I think I know
what you're going to say. It's the way it all
came down.
Speaker 6 (10:26):
My opinion, and this is just my opinion. If it
was my friend, I would ask permission before I dated him.
And if she was really over him and okay with it,
and she gave me permission, then okay, like if the
friends really like I don't really care, go ahead, right, then,
go ahead, go ahead, go.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Ahead, go ahead, Yeah, go ahead, you need the go ahead? Ahead,
bell g apostrophe head, go ahead, you go ahead, go ahead, Trina, Trina,
you would you give the go ahead? It sounds like
no way. No.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
I think I'm gonna have to say no way.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah, Sarah, I think this is what it is.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
It's individual. Trance certainly has the right to step away
from this and let them with their life. Hopefully wish
them well, but you know what to expect. We can't
argue somebody into caring about how we feel. You know,
you can make your point, you can explain why you
feel this way. But I think it sounds like Misty's
(11:36):
made her decision and Brandon has too, and that's something
that you're gonna have to come to terms with.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Here's the question that Sarah just asked. Okay, Trina, Sarah said, hopefully,
wish them well?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Do you.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
I have to be honest in this moment, I do not.
I think I'm still very sore and raw from this
whole experience. I would like to think maybe once I've
healed a little, there's a part of me who can
be happy for them. But right now where I'm currently
at I just can't. I think I need time to
really process all this.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Trina, I would just be gone, Look, you have us, now,
you don't need Misty. You're done with Brandon and you
and now you're gonna have a relationship with us. Now
you're gonna have to patch it up with your mother.
That's the one that makes me sad.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, that concerns me too, And I do hope that
talking about this and getting the validation, getting the normalization
of what you're feeling, can be part of that healing
process so you can step away from it so you're
you know, you're hearing, you're not crazy, you're understandably upset,
you understand some of the reasons why you were so upset,
(12:47):
and then you can let go.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Okay, all right, well it sounds like that's what I'm
gonna have to do.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
We need a therapy Thursday follow up with you, so
we're going to hang on to your number.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
I would love that.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Thank you, Thank you well. I wish you nothing but happiness,
good times, and a great new guy not named Brandon.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Have a good one.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Thanks Trina, thank you too.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
It was nice of you.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Thanks.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yes, we have more call.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Do you want more calls?
Speaker 7 (13:23):
We done?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
No, she's out, doesn't matter if anyone else says Thursday,
all right, Aaron is in love with a cougar. Cougar love?
Can it work? Aaron? Twenty eight? Wait till you. Here
is cougar's age. We're going to tell Thanks David. This
(13:54):
therapy Thursday. Let's get to erin. Okay needs help. Aaron
is twenty eight years old and he met a cougar,
someone older than him. Her name is Abby and Abby
is fifty, So twenty eight and fifty quick math, it's
twenty to twenty two years. My dad was a math scientist.
(14:18):
Guys twenty two year difference. And Aaron fell in love
with Abby. She's like no one he's ever met before.
Okay said, I am twenty eight. The most incredible woman
I've ever known. Just broke my heart. Her name is Abby,
she's fifty. This isn't some midlighte fling or a cougar fantasy.
(14:39):
Abby's the real deal. She's divorced, independent, brilliant, avengerous, and
one of the most beautiful women I've ever known. We
met online, and from our very first coffee something clicked
for the past nine months, We've had dates that felt
like scenes out of a movie. We've closed down restaurants
around us. We laugh till we cry. Last week she
ended it because she says we don't have a future. Okay.
(15:02):
She told me she doesn't want to invest more time
in something that isn't going anywhere, and she wants me
to be able to go out and find someone of
my own age. Okay, I don't want another person. I
want her. I want her. Do I respect her decision
to walk away? Or do I fight for the woman
I believe I'm meant to be with.
Speaker 6 (15:19):
Eric.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I don't hear that she's rejecting him. She's rejecting a trajectory.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
She's looking at.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
A future that she's not comfortable with. It's not it
sounds like, I mean, he thinks she's wonderful. It sounds
like he's still deep in the infatuation phase. She seems
to have moved out of that and is looking at
things realistically.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So the age gap twenty two years. He's still in
his late twenties. She's fifty, so she's seen more of
life than Himah, And the trajectory, so she's looking ahead
like Okay, this guy's in love with me. He wants me.
In ten years he'll be thirty eight, I'll be sixty. Yeah.
When he's forty eight, I'll be seventy. Yeah. She sees
(16:04):
no future.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
It's just not a future that she's comfortable with.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Okay, that she's comfortable with because you see couples where
there is a cougar couple, and there are famous couples
even who she's older than him, Bo Derek and John Corbett,
same kind of thing, but they've had a lasting, long relationship.
So it does work out in the world and it
(16:29):
can work.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
But she doesn't like the way that looks. It's not
about whether it would work for somebody else. She's being
really clear that this isn't how she sees her future,
and it's important, I think, to respect that because, I mean,
it doesn't sound like this is a fear based or
confusion based decision, right.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I mean, listen, Sarah, you just said she doesn't see
the future. I'm wondering if she even sees the present
or the near past the same way because the way
that Aaron I'm reading this letter again, the way he's
describing these things, it almost sounds like his fairy tale, honor,
this dream come true, this thing. But you almost put
yourself in her space and go, what were you feeling
(17:14):
while he was feeling this.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
You're saying so much projection and idealization, which is commonplace.
It's part of the infatuation phase. There's not a lot
of clarity there, and it's not problematic. It's what happens
in most relationships. Yeah, and I really like the way,
it's very sweet how he talks about who he is
(17:38):
in that relationship. So we not only fall in love
with a person, we fall in love with ourselves. Yes,
that's why it's so powerful, and it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
And heartbreaking for him because she's discarded that ideal Yes.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Yeah, and it sounds like the identity that he had
finally been looking for in himself is gone.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Yeah, it's not necessarily gone. She's reflecting it back. His
job right now is to hold on to that, to
that identity expansion. There's a word for it, identity activation,
which is when we see parts of ourselves that we
didn't necessarily know are there, we become more of ourselves.
The goal is to hold on too that in his future.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But how does one do that if this in this hurt,
he's you know, he feels like it's all gone, Like,
how do you how do you sift through the hurt
and make sure you're preserving that identity activation.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Because that is who he is. It's not it doesn't
disappear because she's no longer there. He can internalize it,
and he reflects that back to himself. He's not looking
for someone else to reflect that back to him.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
He says, I don't want someone my age. I'm looking
for her. He's really really in love with her. He is,
he's really infatuated. So nine months is still infatuation.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Absolutely none when you think about infatuation generally three to
eighteen months. He's right in the middle of it. She's
likely moved out of it. If you make a really
good point, maybe she wasn't there, maybe she wasn't viewing
this relationship.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
But why would you keep going for nine months? If
you know you could as if I'm abby and I
feel that this guy's just head over heels with me,
Am I leading him on? If I'm if I'm continuing
at the same pace for nine months, it doesn't sound
like they ever slowed down, and she is.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
If that's what was going on. She's made I think
a really wise decision.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
To stop it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Okay, okay, But also we don't have the frequency of
dates within the night. All we know is nine months,
they could have gone out three times and that meant cycle.
I'm just saying we don't have We need a little
more like were you guys together three nights a week?
That's different to me. Then I'll see you in May.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Oh right, okay, all right, you know who do you
want to go to? You first, we got calls.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Let's go to Virginia.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Okay, So you say no. As a mom, you say.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
No, I think that I would be totally uncomfortable because
I have grown children and I would not be comfortable
with my son dating a older woman. Well that's much
of a different gap, like like him dating me. That's
so weird.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Okay, okay, So what if he's happy though, and that's
about you?
Speaker 5 (20:30):
Is he looking for like a mother figure?
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Like in my mind, I'm like, okay, you already have
a mother.
Speaker 5 (20:35):
You don't need.
Speaker 6 (20:40):
O Virginia like that.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Okay, Virginia says hard no, move on erin Okay, thanks
so much, Virginia.
Speaker 6 (20:48):
You're welcome.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
Have a wonderful day, you.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Too, Connie wants to talk Connie, you think what.
Speaker 4 (21:00):
I don't mean to be cynical at all, but has
anybody said anything about money?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Oh what do.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
You think he's a gold digger or you know, unfortunately
sometimes in these age different things fast a faster.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Or maybe he's not making enough money. And she's like,
you know, you're still you're a boy. You don't have
a career, you don't have you can't support me.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Well right either way. I just don't know if that's
an issue in the circumstance at all.
Speaker 6 (21:27):
I didn't know if that would come up with it.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Oh it didn't. It didn't in his letter. I wonder
if she would have written a letter what she would say, like,
I got this kid who's just like drooling over me
like a puppy, and I'm paying for everything. He mentions
the dinners, but who bought the dinner or exactly?
Speaker 4 (21:44):
I love you, listen to you every morning.
Speaker 6 (21:46):
I have a lovely day, you too.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Have a lovely day. A therapy Thursday. So yeah, money
finances that could be really attractive. There was a friend
I knew he was an aerobics instructor. Mm hmm, and
he had an older client in class and it was
about the same age difference I would think between Abby
and Aaron. And she was throwing herself at him and
(22:11):
she had a lot of money. Okay, well, he had
a girlfriend. So he went to his girlfriend and said, look,
I've got this client. I just want you to know
I'm not leading her on. I'm this or that. In
case you ever you hear anything, I'm innocent. She really
really wants me, and she's even said she's propositioned me
multiple times. And so his girlfriend said, if you want
(22:35):
her to give you a Rolex, I will look the
other way. Interested like, go ahead, take it, just don't
I don't want to know about it. But hey, I'm
fine with it. So I don't know. It just sounds
but Aaron. It sounds like Aaron wants to go really
serious with Abby.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
So let's answer his question. Then, do I fight for
the woman I believe I meant to be with?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Does he Sarah?
Speaker 3 (22:59):
No, she's clear, she has clarity. He needs to respect
her autonomy. Maybe circle back six months see where they are,
But you know, she's she's really clear. And again it's
not a rejection of him, doesn't mean she hasn't cared
for him, deeply enjoyed the relationship. It's just not a
future that she wants for herself.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
There's a Netflix show called Age of Attraction, and it
tackles all different age groups, not just Ris right right,
and but with the cougar relationship, at least the episode
that I was watching, they were super practical about it,
like Abby, like it's never going to work. You can't
do this, just like you were saying, the projection of
(23:40):
it is is just not feasible, right, So, but we
accept it when men do it. It happens very true
all the time. Therapy there. Thanks for
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