July 9, 2026 • 43 mins
No one really thinks about what life will be like when their spouse passes away. …But what about when your husband is in the funeral business, and he passes away?!
Jennie Garth chats with author Dee Branch Oliver about her book “The Undertaker’s Wife,” her grief process, and how she found love again in her chapter two.
Plus, Dee explains why it’s important to slow down after losing a spouse instead of rushing through the arrangements.
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Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey, I Do Part two.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's your host, Jenny Garth, and today I'm so honored
I get to chat with a woman who is in
her chapter two, has found love after loss and is
sharing her experience with others. She's the author of Going
Out in Style and it's the tenth anniversary of her book,
(00:41):
The Undertaker's Wife, which has been re released. Please welcome
d branch Oliver to the podcast. Hello there, Hi, How
are you so good?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Oh it's such a pleasure to meet you.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Very nice to meet you too. First of all, thank
you for the book and the little note. I've been
reading it, my mom read it, so we've loved your
first book. That is the one, The Undertaker's Wife that's
getting re released.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Oh yes, congrats on that.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
And as you know, this.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Podcast is I Do Part two, and it's all about
the journey that happens for us in love, either after
loss of a spouse or a divorce. But before we
get to that, I just want to start with your
chapter one because you write about it so beautifully in
your book.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Tell us how you met your late husband, Johnny.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Well, actually I met him at my grandmother's funeral and
so I was out there and he noticed me and
evidently mentioned it to a cousin of mine that he
was very interested in me and liked my legs.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Huh, yes, legs for days.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Yes, and so he So they arranged a blind date
for me and I met him at a local restaurant
bar in Norfolk, and with that I realized he was
about fifteen years older than I at that time I
was twenty one. He wore a black suit, he was divorced,
(02:20):
he had a child, and he was a funeral director.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Okay, so not so great on paper.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
No, no, not at all, but to his on the
plus side, he was extremely handsome. So I technically I
escaped from the first blind date and then they fixed
us up one more time, and with that I was
smittened with him.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yes, I love your meet cute And how you know,
you really describe what you were thinking as in real
time as you were meeting him, and the way you
make it all, you know, it's very vivid. I had
a visual, so everything you're saying, I can totally see it.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
And you you.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Joined his family business when you all got married, right,
and he was an undertaker.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Yes, he was fourth generation their family had started the
business right after the Civil War, and that's about the
time funeral homes became established. They were a combination of
furniture maker and medical doctors.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Oh okay, and.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
The Civil War actually sort of necessitated that profession.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Lots of bodies needed to be attended to. Unfortunately.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Oh man, Now, well, well I'm curious what was your
I mean, because I read it in the book how
you felt about you were like, ooh, you were kind
of like grossed out and didn't it wasn't like the
most attractive thing to you. But what what had your
relationship before that been with death? Like, had you ever
(04:06):
lost You just lost your grandmother, yes, and was that
your first major loss.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I'd lost my grandfather prior to that on my father's side.
This was my grandmother on my mother's side, and that
was the extent of it. You know, when you're twenty one,
I don't think a lot of twenty one year olds,
unless there's been some sort of tragedy in a family,
really have a lot of experience on that subject.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
I mean, your story immediately made me think of Jamie
Lee Curtis in My Girl.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Do you remember that movie? She also had a gorgeous legs.
So you guys are like.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
In my mind, but I, you know, she just stepped
into the role of his wife so flawlessly, and she
did the makeup for the people who passed away, for
their viewings and things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
How involved were you in the family busines.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Well, you know, I ended up in. It's sort of
by default. It really wasn't quite my plan. His father
and his brother had passed away within forty five days
of each other. The general manager he also had passed away,
so we you know, kind of got promoted through death
(05:22):
sort of space. Yes, and they needed since since funeral
homes or family owned funeral homes are very personal, they
really like to have where the families of the bereaved
really liked to know the owners or see the owners.
So basically I just went in as a filler and
(05:45):
really kind of earned the title of the hood ornament.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
So I couldn't say a lot about me, But at
that time, you know, you just sort of do what
you need to do to keep the business moving forward
and sort of kind of scramble up.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
And that's how I ended up. Not to mention that
as a young bride, I realized that he worked twenty
four hours a day, seven days a week. They were
never closed and I didn't get to see him very much,
so it sort of worked out well.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Then tragedy hit closer to home, and Johnny unexpectedly passed away,
very sad. You had been together for twenty five years
at that point, you had three beautiful daughters, and I
was just curious, like, because of the business that you
were in, had you two had conversations about what you
(06:40):
would do if the other one passed?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Now, we were the worst. We were the children, you know,
the cobbler without shoes, private people, And I was just
talking to a friend about that. I said, we did
everything that we tell our families not to do.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Isn't that always the case?
Speaker 3 (07:01):
It was just our will was outdated. It didn't include
the last child. We had never included our names on
all of our documents and our bills, and that's the
one thing people need to do, especially now when it's
hard to get somebody on the phone. We didn't discuss
any place that he wanted to be buried, and we
(07:22):
owned well, We owned forty acres of a cemetery in
one city. We had cemetery property and two other cities
all over the place. I had once run a stone company.
We never discussed that. We just really didn't have our
act together.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
What did you do?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I scrambled, and I was really angry that we had
allowed ourselves to get in that position. And it was
foolish of us, to be honest with you, We just
really didn't think that out. And so I spent a
lot of time backtracking and had re mortgage my house
(08:01):
because I couldn't get them to put my name because
I wasn't there when he'd got the mortgage for the house.
I was actually at the office and he said, oh,
we'll just take care of it later. It's always like everybody,
we'll just get to it later, and then you don't,
and then later happens, and there you are. You're just
(08:22):
swimming up streams. I laughed. I said to my friend,
I said, please make sure that your names are on everything, stocks, banks, property,
car titles. People don't think about that. The keys on
your key ring, where do they go to? Johnny had
this big key ring of all these keys, and we
(08:44):
all I took them back to the office and all
the men were like, we don't know, we have no idea.
We're like, well, who's locked out of something? And so
like I laugh, I said, Nordstrom's was happily transferred my
account to my name and just about set me flowers.
You know, Cox Cable basically shut me down and I
(09:07):
had to start all over again. And the Verizon bill
right now still has Johnny's name on it. Twenty years later,
twenty years later, twenty years I cannot get his name
off of it. So we just pretend he's still alive.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
And so think about how hard it was then, how
much more difficult it will be now.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, you know, I think about your three daughters through
all of that loss, and knowing what I know being
a mom of three daughters, and wondering how did you
process that pain at the time, and did you kind
of put it on hold and focus on your daughters
(09:50):
and everybody else's well being.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
You know, that's a really Johnny died so fast on us,
so we didn't have that window of time that some
people have when they get a bad medical diagnosis. And
you know, we're in bed on Sunday night making love
and the next thing you know, he's grabbing his head
(10:14):
and basically seventy two hours I'm taking him off of
life support. So it was fast, and the girls were young,
and I remember Madison. She was all curled up, and
it almost makes me cry because I can still take
myself back there. And she's all curled up like a
little girl does, on the floor next to her door,
and she says to me, why is God punishing us?
(10:37):
What did we do? And I was like, oh my gosh,
how am I going to answer this child? And I said,
you know what, God doesn't punish us. He never punishes us.
You know this is not a surprise. He already knew
Dad he was going to go, and he's he is
going to take really good care of us. I said,
he promised us that, And you're going to do exactly
(10:59):
what you Daddy and I dreamed of. You're going to
grow up, you're going to go to school, you're going
to marry Prince Charming. You're going to have the wonderful
life that we dreamed of when you came into our world.
And so she just looked at me, and I just thought,
oh my gosh, I hope I can pull this off. Right.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Did she buy it?
Speaker 3 (11:18):
She bought it? But I got out of bed every
day and The one thing I didn't want them to
do was to forget about their dad, so we would
tell stories about him all the time and things like that.
I didn't you know, they knew I was sad, but
I didn't want to fall apart in front of them.
(11:39):
My mom had died unexpectedly about forty five days after that,
and they grew up. My parents were like half a
mile from my house, so they saw my parents every day.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Is there. Did you recognize this forty five day thing
with his father and brother?
Speaker 3 (11:58):
No, actually I didn't until you just because.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
You just said forty five days.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Now, it was about forty five days when his brother
and his dad passed away within each other. And then
it was about that when Johnny and my mom passed away,
and both everybody, with the exception of his brother, we
knew his brother was sick. So it was hard on me.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Like that, are always weird to me, be all weird,
but go on, sorry, No.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
I just tried really hard not to fall apart in
front of them. I just felt like they needed to
know that I was still in charge of everything and
that everything was going to be fine. So I would
get them off to school and then basically I would
give myself fifteen minutes of just falling apart and then
(12:46):
kind of get your stuff back together and carry on,
carry on. Yeah, it's difficult to navigate. And like I said,
you know those small things in that other book that
I write about, those are the things that help you
navigate it a little bit better. You know the names
(13:08):
on both bills, you know those kind of things.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
That's where the how to guide kind of comes into
that storytelling.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
That's that's how that sort of came about. I was like, okay, well,
we just people need to know. Yeah, we screwed that
up pretty well, that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
It's so helpful because he nobody wants to think about
it and then it knocks on your door and you
just you're not prepared. And I think it's so important
that you passed along that information. Did you ever think
you're ever going to get married again? No?
Speaker 3 (13:39):
No, And as a matter of fact, we live in
a small Virginia Beach is a big city, but.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
We're very familiar with Virginia Beach.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yes, my husband is from Virginia Beach and we were
actually just there about a month ago.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Oh my gosh. Oh, well, next time you're in town.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Do you know the restaurant hearth Organs.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
On seventeenth Straight.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Yep, yep, that's his sister's restaurant.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
No kidding, Oh my gosh, that is great.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Don Don Caldell. Oh oh and Big Sam's is there. Yeah,
so yeah, yeah, tell them that we talked.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
That'll be so much.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
We tell them that. Yeah, absolutely, because my husband's in
the restaurant business. Ah, so yes, we know those restaurants well,
and that heart is great.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Actually, did love in chapter two feel different for you
than your first marriage? Did you approach marriage differently now
than you had in the past. I mean, you were older,
(14:51):
so I'm sure there were new feelings, different ways of
handling things you did.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
I never really thought. I always felt like I had
a really good marriage with Johnny. We were best of friends,
we loved being together all the time, and I felt
like I was ahead of the game. I mean I
might have lost him young, but I thought, you know,
most people don't even get a really good marriage, and
(15:20):
so I just thought, you know, this is God's plans,
so we're I'll just roll with it. And yeah, marrying
Boyd was unexpected, completely unexpected. I didn't see it coming
we'd known each other. He's a good friend of my
cousin Linwood Branches, and they went to college together. And
(15:41):
I knew him when I was fifteen. Boyd's old enough
so that when I was fifteen, he was in college.
So you know, that's a wide ege.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
How many years is that?
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Nine?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
Eight, six or seven?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (15:56):
So we kind of paralleled in the city. You know,
remember when he got married, and you know, this type
of stuff. When Johnny and I are, when Johnny dies,
Boyd is actually living across the street from us, And
I know, is that the craziest thing. It's the funniest,
(16:16):
it's the it's amazing, it's so god ordered, it's crazy.
And he had had some problems in his marriage, and
then they had tried to put it back together. And
then he'd come over when Johnny died, cut the grass
for me through the newspaper up via the front porch
for me. And then the next thing I knew, he'd
(16:36):
stopped by to say, you know, he's really sorry. He
knew Johnny, and then he moved. Well, he still was
in the neighborhood, and I've been paying attention. I was
up to my eyeblash stuff and probably seven years later,
I am at the country club that's down here, and
(17:01):
it was I was I had decided that I was
going to practice take myself out because I was just like,
I can't sit in a house by myself.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Okay, so you took yourself on a date, right, So I.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Would take myself to this restaurant called Eurasia, and I
would go by myself. And back then, you didn't have phones,
so you're not looking at phones. I would actually take
a book and look ridiculous at a table.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Now I love when I see people having dinner alone,
a meal alone and reading a book, you know.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
And so I would have a glass of wine and
I just said, I've just got to teach myself how
to do this. And I would do it at the
club too. But at the club, i'd sit at the
bar on a Saturday night, have my two glasses of
wine and dinner. Well, all of a sudden, boyd I
had noticed that he was sitting at the other end
(17:48):
of the bar, and he would like, hey, D, how
are you what's going on? You know, I haven't seen
you in a long time. And after a while, every
time I would be there twenty minutes or thirty minutes later,
Boyd would walk in and he'd slide in at the
other end of the bar, order martini and some oysters
on the half shell. And years later, after we're married,
(18:11):
I said, it was so crazy that you were always
there whenever I was. And he looked at me and
he goes, well, that's cause I had paid that bartender
twenty dollars every time you walked in to text me
that missus. Oliver had come out.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Old Voyd, Boyd Floyd Floyd. He had plans. So he
asked his wife too, I'm assuming or got divorced. They
got divorced, and then he was he knew what he wanted.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Yeah, he wasn't planning on ever getting married, he'd said.
So we kind of dated. I call it table dating,
where you know, like like your girlfriend says, she says, Hey,
you know, I'm having a dinner party and if you'd
like to bring somebody, why don't you. So I would say, hey,
you know so and says having a dinner party, you know,
(18:59):
all the people, the guests there, if you'd like to come,
you know, love to have you, you know, no no
strengths attached, just it'll be fun to do and then
he would do the same thing with me. So we
did that probably, I don't know, eight weeks or so,
a couple of nights a week, just sort of like
this platonic kind of you know, so and so is
(19:22):
going to go do this, you want to come.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right, So you started sort of melding into each other's
lives at that point. Socially, yes, how did your how
do your daughters feel about accepting Boyd into their lives
or were they grown and gone at this point?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
You know, they were still they're still in high school now, okay,
Jackie's in college, and they were pretty good about it.
Boyd was real sweet, not in there, kind of in
their personal space. He always sort of took a back
seat to anything. And I didn't really ever incorporate even
(19:58):
when I did date other people, well, I never really
brought them in. It was just sort of, you know,
I'm going to dinner kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
You got to figure it out first.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah. Yeah, I was just like, there's I'm not expecting
to make anything permanent, so I'm not really kind of
weaving them into that type of situation.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Do you feel like marriage number two is different than.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Your first marriage? Yeah, in what ways.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I think that in marriage number one, both people are
sort of growing up together. And now Johnny and I
had a large age difference, and he'd been married before,
so he was sort of a seasoned player at this
type of thing, where it was I was just starstruck
and you know, burning dinners and just thinking everything is just,
(20:53):
you know, every as it should be. Yeah, but yeah,
I think that since I grew up with Johnny from
the time I was twenty one until we got married,
we'd broken I'd called the wedding off at one point,
and then you you merged that second marriage together. So
you're bringing two adults who are kind of set in
(21:15):
their ways and thought patterns and their habits, and then
two families that come in together. It's different. It's I
think you have to really not I think you always
have to work at marriage, but I think that one
requires a little more elbow grease, a little more intentional thoughts,
(21:38):
and you have to be a little more I think
you have to be wise if you want it, if
you want it to go the distance, there are you know,
it's there are hurdles to cross, and I think it's
like that too in a first marriage. Because all of
a sudden you realize somebody doesn't put the toothpaste on
the cap, you know, your second marriage, you're like, eh,
(21:59):
that's usual, right.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
You have more tolerance, probably more awareness for things that
happen in a twenty four to seven relationship, and then
you also have like this acceptance of certain things.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
But what about the things like.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
That your second husband did differently than your first husband
in not a great.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Way where for you like, ooh, I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
He talks to the waiters or whatever it is. You know, like,
you know, how you get to know somebody like that?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
He boyd is funny, he's he's super kind. I guess
I have to say I've been extremely blessed. And if
you probably talk to somebody that knows me, they'll say,
I don't understand somebody gets two husbands like that.
Speaker 5 (22:55):
Too good guys to really good, genuinely big hearted kind
you know kind of they walk softly, they're thoughtful, they
don't speak.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
In haste, and then they're married to me like a firecracker,
you know, you know, And so it's different because we
ended up moving into his house out of ours, so
that was hard for us, and it was especially hard
for the girls because they loved the house that they
grew up in, and so there was those adjustments and
(23:32):
then BOYD, but boyd, it's very thoughtful. He did not
get in the middle of the girls and I when
I was parenting.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
That's so.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I mean, stepdads need to get more credit, especially ones
that handle it that way because they know their place
is to support you, their wife and whatever challenges you
face with your children who are well grown now you
know and you've established how you raise them at that point, right.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Yeah. And he would only if he thought he didn't
care for the way I handled something, he wouldn't say anything.
Then it was like later over a glass of one
and he's like, you know, you probably could have delivered
that maybe a little better. And he was so so thoughtful.
And when he would say something, which was I mean
(24:28):
in eleven we've been married eleven years coming up at
the end of this month, and I think he might
have said something to me five times. I always took
his wise advice. You know, that's really great.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
I love that when my husband, who's also a stepdad
to three girls, evaluates things internally and then saves them
for the right time to talk to me about it
when I'm not he did or it's not you know,
there's not tension in the air from whatever the conflict
was with the girls, right, Like, I personally, I don't
know if I would have the you know, ability to
(25:05):
be like, I'm gonna save that for later and tell
her when she's you know, but I'd be like.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Hey, hey, you know what you're doing that wrong?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
But that that's a really good a good characteristic to have.
What let's talk about your your book, The Undertaker's Wife,
which is a really fun story, not fun, but like
it's a good story.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
It's a tenth anniversary edition that is out. Now.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Tell me how much you still connect with something that
you wrote over a decade ago.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Oh, gosh, so much.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I imagine.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Yeah, it just it really was well one, it was
a huge part of my life. And then when Johnny
died to go back to school because he had already
had the application for school on on our desk at home.
So I still, you know, I still participate, advise, people
(26:05):
speak on it. It's yeah, it's it's it's pretty it's
pretty much still part of who I am.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
How long after was it that after he died, that
you decided to write this book because it's really your story,
your love story, and then you know your how you
dealt with this loss and grief and how you want
to help other people in similar situations. So it's really
beautifully it's a beautiful thing that you wrote this book
(26:34):
and totally personal. How long was it after you lost
him that you wrote it.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
It's probably, I want to say, six or seven years
after that, I was writing a blog for Changing Seasons.
They had asked me to do their grief part of
Death and Dying, and so, you know, then you start
looking up death and dying books and grief and stuff,
and then you're in libraries and bookstores and you're thinking, grief,
(27:06):
no wonder, nobody knows anything about funerals or death and
dying or anything. These things are horrible. So I wrote
a blog basically making fun of the funeral directors that
are supposed to know everything and how we completely didn't
do anything that we advise our families to do. And
(27:28):
I just poked fun at myself, and with that it
eventually sort of turned into going Out in Style, And
then Going Out in Style was sent by a friend
of mine who's an author to HarperCollins. And HarperCollins said,
love the book. We don't do basically how to books
(27:49):
or instructional books, but we're really interested in you. Could
you write three chapters of your own life being married
to a funeral director, living an interfuneral home, raising children
inter funeral home. And I said sure, And oh gosh, yeah,
how the book came about? Actually right, because everybody, everybody
(28:10):
wants to know. That's something you just don't think is happening.
You don't think there's a family living a regular family, right,
It's just I was doing carpool one day and I
think I was bringing back. It was Madison and it
was our soccer team and they're little, they're like god,
six or seven years old. And the next thing, I
had this whole car and I had to stop by
(28:32):
the office to pick up some stuff for Johnny. In
the meantime, they we've got a coke machine in the garage,
which is a big deal back then. Oh yeah, oh yeah,
you know, you know that's a big deal. And so
they all, you know, massive, runs with secretary and says
can we have change? Can we buy cokes for everybody?
And I'm like yes, and I'm talking in the office
and the next thing I know that the car and
(28:52):
there are no children none, Oh boy, they are, and
I'm just thinking, oh, and she's my she's my you know,
she's my spicy child. She's got middle one. And the
next thing I know, she is down the hole at
a out of viewing room trying to get in it
(29:12):
and then just basically asking everybody if they would give
her an extra quarter, that she would allow them to
see the person in the little girl. And so I
immediately giant looks to me goes, well, I guess we're
at a supper club. Now when they all go home.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
Right, those parrots are going to be pissed. I was like, great,
Oh my god, that's hilarious. I'm sure there are so
many fun stories. There's a there's a show. There was
a show on HBO six feet under, six feet under. Yes,
probably a little darker. Yes, they were tasted, Yeah, they
(29:47):
kind of. They started off with a bang and then
they went dark.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Yeah, I got a little wild for me too.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Well, I mean, I'm still intrigued by the world. So
I say, write another book about it because it's fascinating.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
Well it is. It was. It was an end I
loved living that life in all aspects.
Speaker 5 (30:12):
One.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
It's just you know, we're service oriented anyway, and it's
just is you get to you get to help people
and sort of like the in the worst day that
their entire lives. Yeah, and that means so much and
it does, you know, and it's and it's interesting to
(30:32):
have to explain it to your children what you do
when so we would always just sort of go, you know.
With Jackie, she's like, I don't understand. And when she
was little and I said, well, your daddy, your daddy
works for God. You know, people die, they get new bodies,
and it's your daddy's job is to bury the bodies
(30:54):
that the old bodies that they no longer need because
they've gotten a new body. And so she she's like
running up and down the hallways, and the hallways are long,
and she says, I said, jack what are you looking for?
She goes, I'm looking for God's office. I mean, if
dad works for him, where's his office. I just leave
(31:16):
myself into something else.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Oh my god. At this point in your life, what
is your relationship with grief? Are you prepared?
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I just need to know if you're taking your own lessons.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Okay, extremely prepared for the most part. I think there's
one probably one bill that doesn't have somebody's name on it.
But yes, a matter of facted so much so that
my girls are like, Mom, every time you leave town,
you call us and you go, now, don't forget the
will's here. You call this person, you know, the stack
(31:59):
of bills here. And I said, I know, I'm so sorry,
I said it just you just really have that kind
of thing. In the meantime, Boyd's just like whatever, and
and he's just he's he's so great with it all.
And he's so great with the because you know, Johnny
(32:20):
when he died, he basically buried everybody in town. So
when he died, the funeral was close to almost two
thousand people. Oh my goodness, that's a yeah one, it
was huge. And he so, you know, Johnny's name always
comes up here and there, or people will remember something
(32:40):
about him, and it'll be at dinner and he'll go, oh,
here we go with another Johnny story.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Yeah, but you got to keep him alive. That's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Well, it's great. And I will tell you this funny
story with Boyd planned our wedding.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Your wedding to each other, to each other, okay.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
To each other. He planned the whole wedding like that.
I know, is that so crazy?
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Unusual?
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Unusual? He had decided that after dating me that he
wanted He said, he'd said, I'm never going to get
married again, and I said that's fine, and then he
said he'd fallen in love and he was. He had
decided that if he was ever going to get married,
it was going to be to me. But he decided
(33:34):
that he was going to take me on a two
week trip to the West Coast and then down to Mexico,
which I can't remember ever being gone for two weeks.
And later I asked him, I said, what's with the
two week trip? And he said, well, because he'd read
somewhere that if anybody's head was going to spin and
(33:56):
they were going to turn into a nightmare.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Oh, he would know in two weeks.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
In two weeks, it would show up. In two weeks.
I went, really, is that a thing? And so I said, sure,
I'll go on this trip with you. But I said,
we have to have separate rooms, you know. I said,
I'm just not there. We just have to have separate rooms.
And he so he makes the trip, he gets my passport,
the whole bed, and then he comes back and I said,
(34:20):
you've got separate rooms. He goes, well, I can't really
afford separate rooms for fourteen days. He goes and I said,
all right, he said, but I got a separate beds.
So we land in San Francisco, We run a car,
we drive to Naple. We get into gosh, I can't
even think about the hotel. That's right in the middle
of a nap a beautiful place. And we walk into
(34:41):
the room and it's a king sized bed.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Did he trick you?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
And I said, you got to get back to the
office because this isn't going to work for me. And
he goes back and he goes, they don't have any
other rooms. This is the only room. I'm so sorry.
It's fine. You stay on your side. I'll stay on
my side. And throughout the whole trip, every time we
would go, like we went to Monterey to Pebble Beach,
then we went to Carmel.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
One bed, one bed, one bed, bet.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
One bed, one bed. We get to we finally get
to Mexico and we walk in and we're we're at
this beautiful ranch, spa and we walk in and I
look and it's a twin bed. I went, are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (35:29):
The last stop?
Speaker 4 (35:31):
The last stop, I said, it's a twin bed because
I can't get you close to me.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Actually, actually it had two beds. It had it had
a queen added twin bed.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
But he was, yeah, oh my gosh. Well your love
story both.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Times sounds really wonderful. What for our audience listening, what
advice would you want to give someone right now who's
lost a spouse but isn't sure that they can open
themselves back up to love again.
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Well, the first thing I would tell people, which people
are always in a rush to get over the grief.
It's really hard to walk through it. You really have
to process it. So we always had a rule that
there was no change for a year. There's no reason
(36:26):
to empty out that side of the closet, to empty
out the dresser drawer, to eliminate that person out of
your life, because their space is their space. It's not
like you're going to go use their dresser, you know
what I mean. And because of that, you you really
need that. There's a there's a reason why. It's why
(36:53):
the Good Lord has kind of set it up that way.
It's really hard to go through it. But if you
rush through the process, you have to do it again.
Like you it's one of those things that you will
keep repeating it until you complete it. If that makes
sense to you.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
For sure, you have to walk all the way through it.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
You do, and you do. You have to get through it.
And that's why we used to always say, you had
what funeral helpers? And they come in and they really
want to like clean it all up for you, and
we're like, unless there's a financial reason that you have
to leave the place that you're living or sell a
car or any of those things, don't just sit there
(37:41):
and smell the clothes and sleep on the pillow and
let your kids put the sunglasses on, and you know
those kind of things. Get through all of those first anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas,
all the holidays, and embrace it. I used to throw
(38:04):
a dinner party for Johnny on his birthday and would
invite all his friends. We'd have fried chicken from Pollard's,
his favorite cake, and then we would just tell stories
and the kids loved it. And I'd have all his
best friends come and do that to kind of celebrate
it and The second year, though, is interesting, which I
(38:25):
don't think people ever talk about, is that it's the
hardest year because all your family and friends have embraced
you on that first one, they're really holding your hand,
and then they're like, okay, we've got them through that.
Now comes the walk alone, and it's difficult to do
(38:49):
because then you're kind of going, here's Christmas, here's Valentine's Day,
here's his birthday, here's my birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day,
all those things, and it's you just it. It takes
a couple of years. I mean not always. I think
(39:09):
it just depends. For somebody like me. It was two
and a half days and all of a sudden he's there.
On a Sunday, we're talking about painting in the house.
And on Wednesday, I'm thinking, wait, we were supposed to
go to dinner Saturday night. Do I cancel? You know?
And it's funny what you think of you go, so
I guess we're not going, Like I mean, you you
(39:33):
just sit there and you go, You sit in your
kitchen and you go, You look at your calendar, you go,
So I guess we're not going to go to dinner
on Saturday night because he's not coming. He's really not
going to come.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Yeah, I'm sure there's just a ton of little moments
of reckoning like that.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
It is. It's but you know, you I don't know,
it's just you know, it's kind of that thing. Is
it better to have loved and lost than never to
have loved at all? You know? Definitely, I think definitely,
because those are the memories you take with you, those
are the things you look back at, and I think
(40:13):
it always catches you. You know, it's been almost twenty years,
I guess, since Johnny passed away, and there are things
that still, you know, kind of catch my breath here
and there and I go, oh, you know, oh, yes
I remember that, or yes, you know we did that.
(40:35):
But it was you know, it's good and I love
that God was good enough for me to throw Boyd
into the mix because he was so unexpected and so
much fun that it was just a real you know,
just a real treat that we were able to meet
and fall in love. And you know, he he had
(40:56):
never had a family like us, so he you know,
he there's not a day that he didn't go by
and just go I just love y'all. So much. Y'all
are just so much fun, you know, and so it's great.
You know, I'm like, oh my gosh, are you sure
you got the right family.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Well, you've been lucky in love, you've had loss, so
you know, reading your book is very helpful. I recommend
everybody pick it up. And I'm looking forward to reading
Going Out in Style. Yeah, but definitely check out D's book.
You can get it on Amazon. It's called The Undertaker's Wife.
(41:37):
Thank you so much for just sharing your story with
everyone and for you know, you're the ways you got
through it and sharing all of it matters.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Thank you. The one thing I will say, Jenny, and
I know you're closing out, is that when when when
somebody passes away, So one thing I do want. People
are always in a rush to get the funeral, get
to the you know what I mean, Like, well we
got we gotta do the funeral. And I always tell
people I go, there's no hurry, take your time, catch
(42:10):
your breath. You just lost somebody. The funeral home is
there and they will go at your pace. And so
that's the one thing that I always try to let
people know.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
But anyway, well, thank you for your insight.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
We really.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
I mean, there's so much we can learn from one another.
So thank you, and gosh, many happy years to you employed.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
Thank you so much. And next time you're in Virginia beach,
call us please.
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Oh my gosh, I will what's.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
The restaurant of his Kelly's Tavern?
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Kelly's Tavern.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Okay, yeah, my husband will be He probably even knows
about it, so I'm gonna ask him.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Ask him, all right.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
All ready, take care you too.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:53):
Have you lost a partner or spouse need help redefining
what you want your next chapter to look like?
Speaker 1 (43:00):
We can help.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
Send us an email or leave us a voicemail. All
the info is in the show notes. Follow us on
Socials for Sure I Do Part two, an iHeartRadio podcast
where falling in love is the main objective
Hey, I Do Part two.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's your host, Jenny Garth, and today I'm so honored
I get to chat with a woman who is in
her chapter two, has found love after loss and is
sharing her experience with others. She's the author of Going
Out in Style and it's the tenth anniversary of her book,
(00:41):
The Undertaker's Wife, which has been re released. Please welcome
d branch Oliver to the podcast. Hello there, Hi, How
are you so good?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Oh it's such a pleasure to meet you.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Very nice to meet you too. First of all, thank
you for the book and the little note. I've been
reading it, my mom read it, so we've loved your
first book. That is the one, The Undertaker's Wife that's
getting re released.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Oh yes, congrats on that.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
And as you know, this.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Podcast is I Do Part two, and it's all about
the journey that happens for us in love, either after
loss of a spouse or a divorce. But before we
get to that, I just want to start with your
chapter one because you write about it so beautifully in
your book.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Tell us how you met your late husband, Johnny.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Well, actually I met him at my grandmother's funeral and
so I was out there and he noticed me and
evidently mentioned it to a cousin of mine that he
was very interested in me and liked my legs.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Huh, yes, legs for days.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Yes, and so he So they arranged a blind date
for me and I met him at a local restaurant
bar in Norfolk, and with that I realized he was
about fifteen years older than I at that time I
was twenty one. He wore a black suit, he was divorced,
(02:20):
he had a child, and he was a funeral director.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Okay, so not so great on paper.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
No, no, not at all, but to his on the
plus side, he was extremely handsome. So I technically I
escaped from the first blind date and then they fixed
us up one more time, and with that I was
smittened with him.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yes, I love your meet cute And how you know,
you really describe what you were thinking as in real
time as you were meeting him, and the way you
make it all, you know, it's very vivid. I had
a visual, so everything you're saying, I can totally see it.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
And you you.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Joined his family business when you all got married, right,
and he was an undertaker.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Yes, he was fourth generation their family had started the
business right after the Civil War, and that's about the
time funeral homes became established. They were a combination of
furniture maker and medical doctors.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Oh okay, and.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
The Civil War actually sort of necessitated that profession.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Lots of bodies needed to be attended to. Unfortunately.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Oh man, Now, well, well I'm curious what was your
I mean, because I read it in the book how
you felt about you were like, ooh, you were kind
of like grossed out and didn't it wasn't like the
most attractive thing to you. But what what had your
relationship before that been with death? Like, had you ever
(04:06):
lost You just lost your grandmother, yes, and was that
your first major loss.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I'd lost my grandfather prior to that on my father's side.
This was my grandmother on my mother's side, and that
was the extent of it. You know, when you're twenty one,
I don't think a lot of twenty one year olds,
unless there's been some sort of tragedy in a family,
really have a lot of experience on that subject.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
I mean, your story immediately made me think of Jamie
Lee Curtis in My Girl.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Do you remember that movie? She also had a gorgeous legs.
So you guys are like.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
In my mind, but I, you know, she just stepped
into the role of his wife so flawlessly, and she
did the makeup for the people who passed away, for
their viewings and things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
How involved were you in the family busines.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Well, you know, I ended up in. It's sort of
by default. It really wasn't quite my plan. His father
and his brother had passed away within forty five days
of each other. The general manager he also had passed away,
so we you know, kind of got promoted through death
(05:22):
sort of space. Yes, and they needed since since funeral
homes or family owned funeral homes are very personal, they
really like to have where the families of the bereaved
really liked to know the owners or see the owners.
So basically I just went in as a filler and
(05:45):
really kind of earned the title of the hood ornament.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
So I couldn't say a lot about me, But at
that time, you know, you just sort of do what
you need to do to keep the business moving forward
and sort of kind of scramble up.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
And that's how I ended up. Not to mention that
as a young bride, I realized that he worked twenty
four hours a day, seven days a week. They were
never closed and I didn't get to see him very much,
so it sort of worked out well.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Then tragedy hit closer to home, and Johnny unexpectedly passed away,
very sad. You had been together for twenty five years
at that point, you had three beautiful daughters, and I
was just curious, like, because of the business that you
were in, had you two had conversations about what you
(06:40):
would do if the other one passed?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Now, we were the worst. We were the children, you know,
the cobbler without shoes, private people, And I was just
talking to a friend about that. I said, we did
everything that we tell our families not to do.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Isn't that always the case?
Speaker 3 (07:01):
It was just our will was outdated. It didn't include
the last child. We had never included our names on
all of our documents and our bills, and that's the
one thing people need to do, especially now when it's
hard to get somebody on the phone. We didn't discuss
any place that he wanted to be buried, and we
(07:22):
owned well, We owned forty acres of a cemetery in
one city. We had cemetery property and two other cities
all over the place. I had once run a stone company.
We never discussed that. We just really didn't have our
act together.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
What did you do?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I scrambled, and I was really angry that we had
allowed ourselves to get in that position. And it was
foolish of us, to be honest with you, We just
really didn't think that out. And so I spent a
lot of time backtracking and had re mortgage my house
(08:01):
because I couldn't get them to put my name because
I wasn't there when he'd got the mortgage for the house.
I was actually at the office and he said, oh,
we'll just take care of it later. It's always like everybody,
we'll just get to it later, and then you don't,
and then later happens, and there you are. You're just
(08:22):
swimming up streams. I laughed. I said to my friend,
I said, please make sure that your names are on everything, stocks, banks, property,
car titles. People don't think about that. The keys on
your key ring, where do they go to? Johnny had
this big key ring of all these keys, and we
(08:44):
all I took them back to the office and all
the men were like, we don't know, we have no idea.
We're like, well, who's locked out of something? And so
like I laugh, I said, Nordstrom's was happily transferred my
account to my name and just about set me flowers.
You know, Cox Cable basically shut me down and I
(09:07):
had to start all over again. And the Verizon bill
right now still has Johnny's name on it. Twenty years later,
twenty years later, twenty years I cannot get his name
off of it. So we just pretend he's still alive.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
And so think about how hard it was then, how
much more difficult it will be now.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, you know, I think about your three daughters through
all of that loss, and knowing what I know being
a mom of three daughters, and wondering how did you
process that pain at the time, and did you kind
of put it on hold and focus on your daughters
(09:50):
and everybody else's well being.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
You know, that's a really Johnny died so fast on us,
so we didn't have that window of time that some
people have when they get a bad medical diagnosis. And
you know, we're in bed on Sunday night making love
and the next thing you know, he's grabbing his head
(10:14):
and basically seventy two hours I'm taking him off of
life support. So it was fast, and the girls were young,
and I remember Madison. She was all curled up, and
it almost makes me cry because I can still take
myself back there. And she's all curled up like a
little girl does, on the floor next to her door,
and she says to me, why is God punishing us?
(10:37):
What did we do? And I was like, oh my gosh,
how am I going to answer this child? And I said,
you know what, God doesn't punish us. He never punishes us.
You know this is not a surprise. He already knew
Dad he was going to go, and he's he is
going to take really good care of us. I said,
he promised us that, And you're going to do exactly
(10:59):
what you Daddy and I dreamed of. You're going to
grow up, you're going to go to school, you're going
to marry Prince Charming. You're going to have the wonderful
life that we dreamed of when you came into our world.
And so she just looked at me, and I just thought,
oh my gosh, I hope I can pull this off. Right.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Did she buy it?
Speaker 3 (11:18):
She bought it? But I got out of bed every
day and The one thing I didn't want them to
do was to forget about their dad, so we would
tell stories about him all the time and things like that.
I didn't you know, they knew I was sad, but
I didn't want to fall apart in front of them.
(11:39):
My mom had died unexpectedly about forty five days after that,
and they grew up. My parents were like half a
mile from my house, so they saw my parents every day.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Is there. Did you recognize this forty five day thing
with his father and brother?
Speaker 3 (11:58):
No, actually I didn't until you just because.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
You just said forty five days.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Now, it was about forty five days when his brother
and his dad passed away within each other. And then
it was about that when Johnny and my mom passed away,
and both everybody, with the exception of his brother, we
knew his brother was sick. So it was hard on me.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Like that, are always weird to me, be all weird,
but go on, sorry, No.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
I just tried really hard not to fall apart in
front of them. I just felt like they needed to
know that I was still in charge of everything and
that everything was going to be fine. So I would
get them off to school and then basically I would
give myself fifteen minutes of just falling apart and then
(12:46):
kind of get your stuff back together and carry on,
carry on. Yeah, it's difficult to navigate. And like I said,
you know those small things in that other book that
I write about, those are the things that help you
navigate it a little bit better. You know the names
(13:08):
on both bills, you know those kind of things.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
That's where the how to guide kind of comes into
that storytelling.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
That's that's how that sort of came about. I was like, okay, well,
we just people need to know. Yeah, we screwed that
up pretty well, that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
It's so helpful because he nobody wants to think about
it and then it knocks on your door and you
just you're not prepared. And I think it's so important
that you passed along that information. Did you ever think
you're ever going to get married again? No?
Speaker 3 (13:39):
No, And as a matter of fact, we live in
a small Virginia Beach is a big city, but.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
We're very familiar with Virginia Beach.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yes, my husband is from Virginia Beach and we were
actually just there about a month ago.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Oh my gosh. Oh, well, next time you're in town.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Do you know the restaurant hearth Organs.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
On seventeenth Straight.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Yep, yep, that's his sister's restaurant.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
No kidding, Oh my gosh, that is great.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Don Don Caldell. Oh oh and Big Sam's is there. Yeah,
so yeah, yeah, tell them that we talked.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
That'll be so much.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
We tell them that. Yeah, absolutely, because my husband's in
the restaurant business. Ah, so yes, we know those restaurants well,
and that heart is great.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Actually, did love in chapter two feel different for you
than your first marriage? Did you approach marriage differently now
than you had in the past. I mean, you were older,
(14:51):
so I'm sure there were new feelings, different ways of
handling things you did.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
I never really thought. I always felt like I had
a really good marriage with Johnny. We were best of friends,
we loved being together all the time, and I felt
like I was ahead of the game. I mean I
might have lost him young, but I thought, you know,
most people don't even get a really good marriage, and
(15:20):
so I just thought, you know, this is God's plans,
so we're I'll just roll with it. And yeah, marrying
Boyd was unexpected, completely unexpected. I didn't see it coming
we'd known each other. He's a good friend of my
cousin Linwood Branches, and they went to college together. And
(15:41):
I knew him when I was fifteen. Boyd's old enough
so that when I was fifteen, he was in college.
So you know, that's a wide ege.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
How many years is that?
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Nine?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
Eight, six or seven?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (15:56):
So we kind of paralleled in the city. You know,
remember when he got married, and you know, this type
of stuff. When Johnny and I are, when Johnny dies,
Boyd is actually living across the street from us, And
I know, is that the craziest thing. It's the funniest,
(16:16):
it's the it's amazing, it's so god ordered, it's crazy.
And he had had some problems in his marriage, and
then they had tried to put it back together. And
then he'd come over when Johnny died, cut the grass
for me through the newspaper up via the front porch
for me. And then the next thing I knew, he'd
(16:36):
stopped by to say, you know, he's really sorry. He
knew Johnny, and then he moved. Well, he still was
in the neighborhood, and I've been paying attention. I was
up to my eyeblash stuff and probably seven years later,
I am at the country club that's down here, and
(17:01):
it was I was I had decided that I was
going to practice take myself out because I was just like,
I can't sit in a house by myself.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Okay, so you took yourself on a date, right, So I.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Would take myself to this restaurant called Eurasia, and I
would go by myself. And back then, you didn't have phones,
so you're not looking at phones. I would actually take
a book and look ridiculous at a table.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Now I love when I see people having dinner alone,
a meal alone and reading a book, you know.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
And so I would have a glass of wine and
I just said, I've just got to teach myself how
to do this. And I would do it at the
club too. But at the club, i'd sit at the
bar on a Saturday night, have my two glasses of
wine and dinner. Well, all of a sudden, boyd I
had noticed that he was sitting at the other end
(17:48):
of the bar, and he would like, hey, D, how
are you what's going on? You know, I haven't seen
you in a long time. And after a while, every
time I would be there twenty minutes or thirty minutes later,
Boyd would walk in and he'd slide in at the
other end of the bar, order martini and some oysters
on the half shell. And years later, after we're married,
(18:11):
I said, it was so crazy that you were always
there whenever I was. And he looked at me and
he goes, well, that's cause I had paid that bartender
twenty dollars every time you walked in to text me
that missus. Oliver had come out.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Old Voyd, Boyd Floyd Floyd. He had plans. So he
asked his wife too, I'm assuming or got divorced. They
got divorced, and then he was he knew what he wanted.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
Yeah, he wasn't planning on ever getting married, he'd said.
So we kind of dated. I call it table dating,
where you know, like like your girlfriend says, she says, Hey,
you know, I'm having a dinner party and if you'd
like to bring somebody, why don't you. So I would say, hey,
you know so and says having a dinner party, you know,
(18:59):
all the people, the guests there, if you'd like to come,
you know, love to have you, you know, no no
strengths attached, just it'll be fun to do and then
he would do the same thing with me. So we
did that probably, I don't know, eight weeks or so,
a couple of nights a week, just sort of like
this platonic kind of you know, so and so is
(19:22):
going to go do this, you want to come.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right, So you started sort of melding into each other's
lives at that point. Socially, yes, how did your how
do your daughters feel about accepting Boyd into their lives
or were they grown and gone at this point?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
You know, they were still they're still in high school now, okay,
Jackie's in college, and they were pretty good about it.
Boyd was real sweet, not in there, kind of in
their personal space. He always sort of took a back
seat to anything. And I didn't really ever incorporate even
(19:58):
when I did date other people, well, I never really
brought them in. It was just sort of, you know,
I'm going to dinner kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
You got to figure it out first.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah. Yeah, I was just like, there's I'm not expecting
to make anything permanent, so I'm not really kind of
weaving them into that type of situation.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Do you feel like marriage number two is different than.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Your first marriage? Yeah, in what ways.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I think that in marriage number one, both people are
sort of growing up together. And now Johnny and I
had a large age difference, and he'd been married before,
so he was sort of a seasoned player at this
type of thing, where it was I was just starstruck
and you know, burning dinners and just thinking everything is just,
(20:53):
you know, every as it should be. Yeah, but yeah,
I think that since I grew up with Johnny from
the time I was twenty one until we got married,
we'd broken I'd called the wedding off at one point,
and then you you merged that second marriage together. So
you're bringing two adults who are kind of set in
(21:15):
their ways and thought patterns and their habits, and then
two families that come in together. It's different. It's I
think you have to really not I think you always
have to work at marriage, but I think that one
requires a little more elbow grease, a little more intentional thoughts,
(21:38):
and you have to be a little more I think
you have to be wise if you want it, if
you want it to go the distance, there are you know,
it's there are hurdles to cross, and I think it's
like that too in a first marriage. Because all of
a sudden you realize somebody doesn't put the toothpaste on
the cap, you know, your second marriage, you're like, eh,
(21:59):
that's usual, right.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
You have more tolerance, probably more awareness for things that
happen in a twenty four to seven relationship, and then
you also have like this acceptance of certain things.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
But what about the things like.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
That your second husband did differently than your first husband
in not a great.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Way where for you like, ooh, I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
He talks to the waiters or whatever it is. You know, like,
you know, how you get to know somebody like that?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
He boyd is funny, he's he's super kind. I guess
I have to say I've been extremely blessed. And if
you probably talk to somebody that knows me, they'll say,
I don't understand somebody gets two husbands like that.
Speaker 5 (22:55):
Too good guys to really good, genuinely big hearted kind
you know kind of they walk softly, they're thoughtful, they
don't speak.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
In haste, and then they're married to me like a firecracker,
you know, you know, And so it's different because we
ended up moving into his house out of ours, so
that was hard for us, and it was especially hard
for the girls because they loved the house that they
grew up in, and so there was those adjustments and
(23:32):
then BOYD, but boyd, it's very thoughtful. He did not
get in the middle of the girls and I when
I was parenting.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
That's so.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I mean, stepdads need to get more credit, especially ones
that handle it that way because they know their place
is to support you, their wife and whatever challenges you
face with your children who are well grown now you
know and you've established how you raise them at that point, right.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Yeah. And he would only if he thought he didn't
care for the way I handled something, he wouldn't say anything.
Then it was like later over a glass of one
and he's like, you know, you probably could have delivered
that maybe a little better. And he was so so thoughtful.
And when he would say something, which was I mean
(24:28):
in eleven we've been married eleven years coming up at
the end of this month, and I think he might
have said something to me five times. I always took
his wise advice. You know, that's really great.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
I love that when my husband, who's also a stepdad
to three girls, evaluates things internally and then saves them
for the right time to talk to me about it
when I'm not he did or it's not you know,
there's not tension in the air from whatever the conflict
was with the girls, right, Like, I personally, I don't
know if I would have the you know, ability to
(25:05):
be like, I'm gonna save that for later and tell
her when she's you know, but I'd be like.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Hey, hey, you know what you're doing that wrong?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
But that that's a really good a good characteristic to have.
What let's talk about your your book, The Undertaker's Wife,
which is a really fun story, not fun, but like
it's a good story.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
It's a tenth anniversary edition that is out. Now.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Tell me how much you still connect with something that
you wrote over a decade ago.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Oh, gosh, so much.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I imagine.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Yeah, it just it really was well one, it was
a huge part of my life. And then when Johnny
died to go back to school because he had already
had the application for school on on our desk at home.
So I still, you know, I still participate, advise, people
(26:05):
speak on it. It's yeah, it's it's it's pretty it's
pretty much still part of who I am.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
How long after was it that after he died, that
you decided to write this book because it's really your story,
your love story, and then you know your how you
dealt with this loss and grief and how you want
to help other people in similar situations. So it's really
beautifully it's a beautiful thing that you wrote this book
(26:34):
and totally personal. How long was it after you lost
him that you wrote it.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
It's probably, I want to say, six or seven years
after that, I was writing a blog for Changing Seasons.
They had asked me to do their grief part of
Death and Dying, and so, you know, then you start
looking up death and dying books and grief and stuff,
and then you're in libraries and bookstores and you're thinking, grief,
(27:06):
no wonder, nobody knows anything about funerals or death and
dying or anything. These things are horrible. So I wrote
a blog basically making fun of the funeral directors that
are supposed to know everything and how we completely didn't
do anything that we advise our families to do. And
(27:28):
I just poked fun at myself, and with that it
eventually sort of turned into going Out in Style, And
then Going Out in Style was sent by a friend
of mine who's an author to HarperCollins. And HarperCollins said,
love the book. We don't do basically how to books
(27:49):
or instructional books, but we're really interested in you. Could
you write three chapters of your own life being married
to a funeral director, living an interfuneral home, raising children
inter funeral home. And I said sure, And oh gosh, yeah,
how the book came about? Actually right, because everybody, everybody
(28:10):
wants to know. That's something you just don't think is happening.
You don't think there's a family living a regular family, right,
It's just I was doing carpool one day and I
think I was bringing back. It was Madison and it
was our soccer team and they're little, they're like god,
six or seven years old. And the next thing, I
had this whole car and I had to stop by
(28:32):
the office to pick up some stuff for Johnny. In
the meantime, they we've got a coke machine in the garage,
which is a big deal back then. Oh yeah, oh yeah,
you know, you know that's a big deal. And so
they all, you know, massive, runs with secretary and says
can we have change? Can we buy cokes for everybody?
And I'm like yes, and I'm talking in the office
and the next thing I know that the car and
(28:52):
there are no children none, Oh boy, they are, and
I'm just thinking, oh, and she's my she's my you know,
she's my spicy child. She's got middle one. And the
next thing I know, she is down the hole at
a out of viewing room trying to get in it
(29:12):
and then just basically asking everybody if they would give
her an extra quarter, that she would allow them to
see the person in the little girl. And so I
immediately giant looks to me goes, well, I guess we're
at a supper club. Now when they all go home.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
Right, those parrots are going to be pissed. I was like, great,
Oh my god, that's hilarious. I'm sure there are so
many fun stories. There's a there's a show. There was
a show on HBO six feet under, six feet under. Yes,
probably a little darker. Yes, they were tasted, Yeah, they
(29:47):
kind of. They started off with a bang and then
they went dark.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Yeah, I got a little wild for me too.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Well, I mean, I'm still intrigued by the world. So
I say, write another book about it because it's fascinating.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
Well it is. It was. It was an end I
loved living that life in all aspects.
Speaker 5 (30:12):
One.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
It's just you know, we're service oriented anyway, and it's
just is you get to you get to help people
and sort of like the in the worst day that
their entire lives. Yeah, and that means so much and
it does, you know, and it's and it's interesting to
(30:32):
have to explain it to your children what you do
when so we would always just sort of go, you know.
With Jackie, she's like, I don't understand. And when she
was little and I said, well, your daddy, your daddy
works for God. You know, people die, they get new bodies,
and it's your daddy's job is to bury the bodies
(30:54):
that the old bodies that they no longer need because
they've gotten a new body. And so she she's like
running up and down the hallways, and the hallways are long,
and she says, I said, jack what are you looking for?
She goes, I'm looking for God's office. I mean, if
dad works for him, where's his office. I just leave
(31:16):
myself into something else.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Oh my god. At this point in your life, what
is your relationship with grief? Are you prepared?
Speaker 3 (31:34):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I just need to know if you're taking your own lessons.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Okay, extremely prepared for the most part. I think there's
one probably one bill that doesn't have somebody's name on it.
But yes, a matter of facted so much so that
my girls are like, Mom, every time you leave town,
you call us and you go, now, don't forget the
will's here. You call this person, you know, the stack
(31:59):
of bills here. And I said, I know, I'm so sorry,
I said it just you just really have that kind
of thing. In the meantime, Boyd's just like whatever, and
and he's just he's he's so great with it all.
And he's so great with the because you know, Johnny
(32:20):
when he died, he basically buried everybody in town. So
when he died, the funeral was close to almost two
thousand people. Oh my goodness, that's a yeah one, it
was huge. And he so, you know, Johnny's name always
comes up here and there, or people will remember something
(32:40):
about him, and it'll be at dinner and he'll go, oh,
here we go with another Johnny story.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Yeah, but you got to keep him alive. That's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Well, it's great. And I will tell you this funny
story with Boyd planned our wedding.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Your wedding to each other, to each other, okay.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
To each other. He planned the whole wedding like that.
I know, is that so crazy?
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Unusual?
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Unusual? He had decided that after dating me that he
wanted He said, he'd said, I'm never going to get
married again, and I said that's fine, and then he
said he'd fallen in love and he was. He had
decided that if he was ever going to get married,
it was going to be to me. But he decided
(33:34):
that he was going to take me on a two
week trip to the West Coast and then down to Mexico,
which I can't remember ever being gone for two weeks.
And later I asked him, I said, what's with the
two week trip? And he said, well, because he'd read
somewhere that if anybody's head was going to spin and
(33:56):
they were going to turn into a nightmare.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Oh, he would know in two weeks.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
In two weeks, it would show up. In two weeks.
I went, really, is that a thing? And so I said, sure,
I'll go on this trip with you. But I said,
we have to have separate rooms, you know. I said,
I'm just not there. We just have to have separate rooms.
And he so he makes the trip, he gets my passport,
the whole bed, and then he comes back and I said,
(34:20):
you've got separate rooms. He goes, well, I can't really
afford separate rooms for fourteen days. He goes and I said,
all right, he said, but I got a separate beds.
So we land in San Francisco, We run a car,
we drive to Naple. We get into gosh, I can't
even think about the hotel. That's right in the middle
of a nap a beautiful place. And we walk into
(34:41):
the room and it's a king sized bed.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Did he trick you?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
And I said, you got to get back to the
office because this isn't going to work for me. And
he goes back and he goes, they don't have any
other rooms. This is the only room. I'm so sorry.
It's fine. You stay on your side. I'll stay on
my side. And throughout the whole trip, every time we
would go, like we went to Monterey to Pebble Beach,
then we went to Carmel.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
One bed, one bed, one bed, bet.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
One bed, one bed. We get to we finally get
to Mexico and we walk in and we're we're at
this beautiful ranch, spa and we walk in and I
look and it's a twin bed. I went, are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (35:29):
The last stop?
Speaker 4 (35:31):
The last stop, I said, it's a twin bed because
I can't get you close to me.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Actually, actually it had two beds. It had it had
a queen added twin bed.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
But he was, yeah, oh my gosh. Well your love
story both.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Times sounds really wonderful. What for our audience listening, what
advice would you want to give someone right now who's
lost a spouse but isn't sure that they can open
themselves back up to love again.
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Well, the first thing I would tell people, which people
are always in a rush to get over the grief.
It's really hard to walk through it. You really have
to process it. So we always had a rule that
there was no change for a year. There's no reason
(36:26):
to empty out that side of the closet, to empty
out the dresser drawer, to eliminate that person out of
your life, because their space is their space. It's not
like you're going to go use their dresser, you know
what I mean. And because of that, you you really
need that. There's a there's a reason why. It's why
(36:53):
the Good Lord has kind of set it up that way.
It's really hard to go through it. But if you
rush through the process, you have to do it again.
Like you it's one of those things that you will
keep repeating it until you complete it. If that makes
sense to you.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
For sure, you have to walk all the way through it.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
You do, and you do. You have to get through it.
And that's why we used to always say, you had
what funeral helpers? And they come in and they really
want to like clean it all up for you, and
we're like, unless there's a financial reason that you have
to leave the place that you're living or sell a
car or any of those things, don't just sit there
(37:41):
and smell the clothes and sleep on the pillow and
let your kids put the sunglasses on, and you know
those kind of things. Get through all of those first anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas,
all the holidays, and embrace it. I used to throw
(38:04):
a dinner party for Johnny on his birthday and would
invite all his friends. We'd have fried chicken from Pollard's,
his favorite cake, and then we would just tell stories
and the kids loved it. And I'd have all his
best friends come and do that to kind of celebrate
it and The second year, though, is interesting, which I
(38:25):
don't think people ever talk about, is that it's the
hardest year because all your family and friends have embraced
you on that first one, they're really holding your hand,
and then they're like, okay, we've got them through that.
Now comes the walk alone, and it's difficult to do
(38:49):
because then you're kind of going, here's Christmas, here's Valentine's Day,
here's his birthday, here's my birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day,
all those things, and it's you just it. It takes
a couple of years. I mean not always. I think
(39:09):
it just depends. For somebody like me. It was two
and a half days and all of a sudden he's there.
On a Sunday, we're talking about painting in the house.
And on Wednesday, I'm thinking, wait, we were supposed to
go to dinner Saturday night. Do I cancel? You know?
And it's funny what you think of you go, so
I guess we're not going, Like I mean, you you
(39:33):
just sit there and you go, You sit in your
kitchen and you go, You look at your calendar, you go,
So I guess we're not going to go to dinner
on Saturday night because he's not coming. He's really not
going to come.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Yeah, I'm sure there's just a ton of little moments
of reckoning like that.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
It is. It's but you know, you I don't know,
it's just you know, it's kind of that thing. Is
it better to have loved and lost than never to
have loved at all? You know? Definitely, I think definitely,
because those are the memories you take with you, those
are the things you look back at, and I think
(40:13):
it always catches you. You know, it's been almost twenty years,
I guess, since Johnny passed away, and there are things
that still, you know, kind of catch my breath here
and there and I go, oh, you know, oh, yes
I remember that, or yes, you know we did that.
(40:35):
But it was you know, it's good and I love
that God was good enough for me to throw Boyd
into the mix because he was so unexpected and so
much fun that it was just a real you know,
just a real treat that we were able to meet
and fall in love. And you know, he he had
(40:56):
never had a family like us, so he you know,
he there's not a day that he didn't go by
and just go I just love y'all. So much. Y'all
are just so much fun, you know, and so it's great.
You know, I'm like, oh my gosh, are you sure
you got the right family.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Well, you've been lucky in love, you've had loss, so
you know, reading your book is very helpful. I recommend
everybody pick it up. And I'm looking forward to reading
Going Out in Style. Yeah, but definitely check out D's book.
You can get it on Amazon. It's called The Undertaker's Wife.
(41:37):
Thank you so much for just sharing your story with
everyone and for you know, you're the ways you got
through it and sharing all of it matters.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Thank you. The one thing I will say, Jenny, and
I know you're closing out, is that when when when
somebody passes away, So one thing I do want. People
are always in a rush to get the funeral, get
to the you know what I mean, Like, well we
got we gotta do the funeral. And I always tell
people I go, there's no hurry, take your time, catch
(42:10):
your breath. You just lost somebody. The funeral home is
there and they will go at your pace. And so
that's the one thing that I always try to let
people know.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
But anyway, well, thank you for your insight.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
We really.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
I mean, there's so much we can learn from one another.
So thank you, and gosh, many happy years to you employed.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
Thank you so much. And next time you're in Virginia beach,
call us please.
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Oh my gosh, I will what's.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
The restaurant of his Kelly's Tavern?
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Kelly's Tavern.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Okay, yeah, my husband will be He probably even knows
about it, so I'm gonna ask him.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Ask him, all right.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
All ready, take care you too.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:53):
Have you lost a partner or spouse need help redefining
what you want your next chapter to look like?
Speaker 1 (43:00):
We can help.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
Send us an email or leave us a voicemail. All
the info is in the show notes. Follow us on
Socials for Sure I Do Part two, an iHeartRadio podcast
where falling in love is the main objective
Host
Jana Kramer
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