May 29, 2026 • 22 mins
Sophia couldn't let Tan France go without getting in on the "Honorable Gays" hilarity as the two test the premise of his new YouTube series. Turns out, Sophia was born to deliver hot takes and judgy AITA commentary! Meanwhile, if you started saying "French tuck" thanks to Tan, wait until you hear the term he rolls out in this wild chat!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everyone, It's Sophia. Welcome to work in progress. Friends.
I could not let Tan go without actually playing an
honorable gaze round with him. I because, as I mentioned
last time, I love nothing more than these Reddit threads.
(00:22):
There are people who post them on certain social accounts
that my friends and I follow, and it's kind of
like the break we take in the middle of a
workday is to go have you seen this one?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
So?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I feel like you sort of made this show for me.
Thank you very much. I love as well that people
are getting to see not only your personality but some
inside queer culture on YouTube thanks to this show. So
for friends who are joining us newly today, the whole
way this works if you've seen them are There are
(00:55):
a series of threads on Reddit called am I the Asshole?
Where somebody explains a problem they're trying to figure out
what's going on. You're required, if you're going to do
this in a reading, to be a little sassy and
a little judge obviously and good fun. Does that part
come naturally to you after all these years on reality TV?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Absolutely? Easy? Easy?
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Bad? Well, I'd like to see if I'm cut out
to be your honorable.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Well we're calling anyone who joins honorary gay, even if.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
That's you're gay.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, well an honorary Yeah. I can take the place
of a gay man on this episode, I suppose. So
I'm into it. Okay, I'm going to read you a
situation and we'll see this one.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I'm really I do this my girlfriends.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
It's my favorite thing.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
It's so fun, and this one actually feels really pressing,
especially given the queer eye of it all. Am I
the asshole for asking my friend not to wear makeup
to my wedding? I recently asked my close friend Devin
to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. We've been friends
since high school and I was very excited to have
(02:05):
her by my side. I put together baskets for my
bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code
for the wedding.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I was already smelled trouble going.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I know, I'm so anxious, I'm sweating. The list included
that I wanted them all to wear a green dress
in any style or shade, silver heels okay, and light
natural makeup. I do plan on having a makeup artist
there day of to do the girls makeup for context.
(02:35):
Devin typically dressed dresses in a very traditional Goth style
with white light bass, heavy black eyelin. I love her
style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it. However,
that's not the look I'm going for at my wedding.
(02:56):
She texted me a few hours after I gave her
the basket, saying, so I'm not allowed to wear my
makeup to the wedding. I explained to her that if
she wanted to be a bridesmaid, she'd have to adhere
to my dress code, but she was welcome to just
come as a guest and dress in her normal style.
She responded basically saying, if you don't want me to
be myself, I don't need to be there at all.
(03:19):
I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is.
I just want her to match the rest of the
bridesmaids for one day. She got upset and said, I
care more about a photo than my friend's comfort. I
feel like I was being really reasonable and even offered
a compromise, but I also don't want to lose a
friend over something this small. Am I the asshole? O?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
God?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I love this fun? Oh my god, I love wedding once. Okay,
we'll see this. Oh on, Honorable Gays are first?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Oh am I wrong?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
The first episodes of wedding episodes. I wanted to do
a full season of wedding because.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
I love a wedding story. Yes, I've got.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
My own wedding story of one day. I want to
share it. It was when I was a private part
of the bridal party. Oh my gosh, it's so good,
but I'm too scared to tell it because this person is.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Going to know.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Okay, Oh, we have to figure out a way to
tell that story.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Actually, weirdly enough, that's how this whole show came to
be because of my experience.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Sup. Yes, Oh my god, we have so much to
talk about when the world is not listening.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Okay, Okay continue, Okay, wait, you read the story, so
it's so if whoever reads the story, they can't go first.
But I really want your take first. However, Okay, here's
how Honorable Gaze goes. We discuss it, and then we
come to a decision. But because of who I am
and how I am wired, I always have my opinion
(04:42):
A lot to load it and I refuse.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Because I'm so you refuse to change.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
However, you could potentially convince me. So okay, I could
play the role of Eric and Rob today and give
my arguments I'm going to give against or born again. Sorry, okay,
you can make you could be the judge can First off,
I do appreciate that she gave a loose list of Okay,
(05:10):
it's just gonna be green. Does have to be a
certain particular green. It can be what the kind of
dress just has to be a green that is somewhat
considerate because we've heard some stories on honorall gays where
they are nowhere near as kind. So that's a good start.
Like makeup, I kind of get like you want your
pictures to be esthetically pleasing or your way you are
(05:32):
going to person on social so I know that you
wanted to have a certain vibe. I get it. So
that's the nice side of me. The real side of
me is I also kind of feel for the bridesmaid
thinking I'm already gonna wear the dresses. It seems that
the dress isn't the issue, so she'll wear the dress
(05:53):
or weather silver shoes. She may compromise when it comes
to makeup, and there are certain things that feels so
you to ready lay this argument down. I'm imagining if
her makeup is like my hair, if somebody wanted me
to dye my hair because I was the only person
(06:14):
that didn't have black hair at South Asian wedding. I'm
the only one that didn't have black hair, so I
was going to ruin the photos, I think, but this
is it's me, like, it's how I feel most people
in the world, and I don't want to pretend to
be somebody else that day. I don't want to costume
that day because you're my friend and I love you,
and this is all you've always known me is this,
And so I think it's really harsh to say to
(06:37):
your friend, Hey, bitch, I'm happy with how you are
every other day of your life, but today I want
you to be a different person to make me happy.
Just let us see, like a dig move a little bit,
and so.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Okay, I guess I've come up with my argument.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Okay, my clothes and stavement is this some light suggestions
for your bridesmaids is appropriate, But when it comes to
something that truly represents who they are and what will
make them comfortable, I think you have to have some
wiggle room, and I think it is. It's way harsh.
(07:16):
Do you know the term way hash tie? That's the
way hash tie. You can't make your goth emo friend
be a dainty queen just because it's your wedding. She's
your friend if you love her, respect to let her
wear the makeup that makes her feel most comfortable.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Yeah, do you think I'm wrong?
Speaker 1 (07:36):
It's this one is so hard.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
It's so hard.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Because I get listen, if one day in your life
gets to be about you, it's supposed to be your wedding. Yeah,
and I understand that. Look, here's what's hard for me.
I don't have a visual you know, are we talking
Gene Simmons from Kiss Like?
Speaker 3 (07:58):
If we're talking like visual to be.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Like if it's full hardcore goth black lipstick, like the
whole whatever, you know, all the all the things. I
understand that that wouldn't exactly fit the vibe. What I
will actually say is, now, having read this twice because
I read it before we got on zoom and then
(08:24):
I'm rereading it. The issue I have with this is
the lack of an upfront conversation like this. The bride
passed out baskets to all the women like they were
going to be taken in the same way. When the
makeup thing was she knew would be personal for this
(08:45):
friend of so long, and then the friend text it
and I'm like, you gotta have the kindness to say, Hey,
I'm prepping this thing. I'm going to give everyone their
baskets tomorrow, invite her out for a drink, go over
for a snack at the house, and just say, I
don't want this to come off terribly. And you know,
(09:08):
I think you're like magnificent and hot and I love
this vibe for you, and I love your whole look
and I love your I don't know whatever piercing's, combat boots,
whatever it is, would you be comfortable at my wedding
like matching all the other bridesmaids a little more. I
just want everything to feel super seamless. And that might
seem silly, It's just what I'm envisioning for my day,
(09:31):
but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I
bet if this woman had been proactive about this conversation,
it would have gone a completely different I agree.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
I agree, I agree. I also wonder if not just
having the conversation making it very clear that.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Okay, maybe this.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Is a silly suggestion, but if it was one of
my close, close friends, I would say, if it is
an issue for you, I completely understop. If you don't
want and then no big deal and I won't be
offended whatsoever. I love you. And if this just isn't
few and if it's going to make you feel like good,
well I understand if you don't want to be someone
giving you the option. I would love for you to
be my bridesmaid, but I would like my wedding to
(10:13):
go like this. So if you were okay with that,
I want you desperately to be my bridesmaid. But if
you don't want to, it's okay and I won't be offended.
But I would look for you to be there. Yeah
you're there with me?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:27):
So yeah, that would be mine. So is the opn asshole?
Is what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
I don't think she meant to be.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
What we call it on the show is a soft asshole.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
It's a soft.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Because I don't Here's the thing. Weddings make people go crazy.
I did you say, did you are you married.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
To your part? Right now? Together?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
We're together?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah? Okay?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Good at your wedding.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Can we refer I had, yes, I had, I had
a go at the wedding that pinterest bilt was so beautiful.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Yeah yeah, okay, okay, So did you have them all matching?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Did you have to have?
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Now?
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You do that? Okay?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Okay, So that and I had men and my bridal
party and like you know, everything was so okay.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Here's the thing I'm going to say that's going to
hurt so many of you out there who's done this.
I think that we put our own feelings before our
friends feelings, or our feelings about a vibe and an
aesthetic over our friends true emotions. And so if I
knew that some of my friends weren't going to match in,
(11:39):
I was just thinking, I'm going to care make it easier.
I'm just gonna have one person with anybody to be
my maid of.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Bottle or something or my groomsmith.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
And therefore I'm going to mitigate hurting my friends. I
rather that over the aesthetic.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I think we care to watch about the aesthetic now.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I yeah, yeah, the aesthetic have taken on such a
thing that I just don't think they need to. And
I will say I think also sometimes you can get
so caught up in that part that it can take
(12:17):
the place of what's really important. And I will say
I will be vulnerable and say this was my own experience.
Looking back, I realize we were so focused on the
project that we weren't looking at the fact that, like
the thesis was missing, if you will, that's the kindest
way I can say that. So it's like, if you're
so obsessed with what these photos are going to look like,
(12:39):
what might you be missing in the emotion. I think
when people are too focused on the details, it's because
there's a lack of something really important going on. Not
to you know, send this op to therapy, but it
might be worth a yestion. Maybe now I'm the asshole.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
You are so fair. Basically, what I was saying them
is aesthetics of the asshole because they've they've ruined our
society where we think it's more important to have this
esthetically pleasing photo that caring about your friend's feelings.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Yeah, and by the way, it's not like this is
your best friend of five years. This is someone you've
been friends with since high school. She always looks like this,
you know, if that's really who she is. I think
the conversation needs to be more delicate to say, would
you be willing to shift the vibe a little?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:29):
And if not, truly no worries, like you got you
gotta love your people for who they are.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yeah, So can I give you a sneak or yeah,
I guess it's a snepy or a teaser of one
of our stories, one of our stories on audible gas again,
because I love wedding stories so much. Is somebody's build
one of the bridesmaids build was different to the other bridesmaids.
And what she's saying without obviously saying it is one
of her brides was larger and taller than the other.
(14:00):
I said, therefore she was ruining quotes the photos. And
I sat there thinking, I know this story because this
has happened at a friend's wedding of mine. Like, so
we went to I know that my friend was being
invited to be a bridesmaid at somebody's wedding. I didn't know,
And I was like, you need to call that a
bitch out of your life, Like she doesn't want you
in your photos in the photos because you you in
(14:23):
your dress, don't lock as smelt as everybody else in
their dress. She shows a body can't dress for everyone.
Of course, that wasn't gonna be perfect for all of
her friends. It's not No one's gonna feel confident in that.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That is a hate crime. I know a period that.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Person was clearing the asshole in that situation. And so
I think my biggest do you know what the asshole is?
The asshole of the story is weddings in general.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
American Instagram.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I'm gonna call it American general of weddings in general
are the asshole because they've been courageous to behave like
mean people to our friends and family. And just think
what happened to back in the day when that could
go to wear what I beat they want to wear.
You're gonna have your dating sixteen rides space. You've got
just one that with your husband who gives a ship.
If you gives a share the body that you think
(15:12):
she needs to have on that day, it doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And now a word from our sponsors who make this
show possible. You know what I think my new litmus test,
And maybe this comes from the fact that half of
(15:35):
my closest friends all got divorced in the same summer
myself included. It was a really interesting reckoning because half
of us were going through divorces and then a half
of the other half of our friend group was all pregnant,
and I was like, what is happening? Like this is
a reality show gone sideways. It was funny and tragic
and beautiful and all the things. And one of the
(15:57):
things when when so many people reflect and you know
now that I really have admitted this to myself, now
that I really see it, when did I start ignoring
the red flags? When did I start compromising myself? When
did I tell myself, you know, this was part of it?
And I think there really can be something to what
(16:19):
you're living up to, this big dream, this thing for
your parents, this thing for your whole family. You're you're
so caught up in the planning of something that you
might not be paying attention to the minutia in your home.
And so now my litmus tests for anyone who tells
me they want to get married. And to be clear,
I love love obviously, or I wouldn't. I wouldn't be here.
(16:39):
I go, I'm a sucker for it. But my whole thing,
if you tell me you're getting married, I say, oh
my god, congratulations. If you tell me you're getting a divorce,
I say, oh my god, congratulations to both. I say,
is there anything I can do to help? But when
people tell me they want to get married, now, my
question is if you are going to elope in the
(17:01):
backyard with your person and a parent or a friend
and just that, would you still want to get married?
If no one was going to be there to watch?
Would you marry this person? That's the question I ask.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Now, that's fair, Okay, I have a version of that
which is way meaner.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Tell me this is why you're the judge, lay it
on us.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
And this is this is such an insane blanket statement.
I know this is not true. It's just my general feeling.
The bigger wedding, the bigger the wedding, the more likely
that marriage is to fail. For me, I've been to
some fancy Perhinds weddings in the last few years, gorgeous,
But every time I thought, I think, you focused so
(17:45):
much on this gorgeous wedding and they are amazing. Don't
get wrong, they've done an amazing event. You should have
gone downtown Hall and just arrange be a producer for
a living, be a wedding. But if you just want
to arrange an incredible wedding, arrange somebody else or something.
You don't need a thirty foot trail a train, you
don't need ten thousand people.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
At you wedding.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Just if it's about your marriage, make it be about
your marriage, not the wedding.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you. Sometimes you embark on a
project with someone and then when the wedding's over, you
become the project. And that's a big no no.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
And also I know this is such a given, but
if you are going into so much debt because you've
got a massive, massive, incredible wedding, don't get wrong. I
know it's a gorgeous wedding and I know it real
lights on Instagram. And if YE wants to wear the
dress you want, I understand that. But you're doing you're
basically your Your wedding is content, it's not your marriage.
(18:48):
You should not get into debt for that, because I
we tell you the next twenty years ago be rock
When you can't afford to pay all that wedding back.
You're up to such a rough start when you're with
the debt because of that wedding.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Alope, and start a small business instead.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Yeah, absolutely right.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Okay, So aesthetics are to blame. Big weddings need to
be done.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
So the assocle is in disorder. Big weddings, aesthetic expectation
for social media and soft asshole.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
We've done it.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
You've done that. This I've been doing for about five years.
That actually also we did it a lot during COVID.
Me and my girl friends were does a story, here's
a story, or give your opinion?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So please invite me to those zooms. That's the hang
I want to be on.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
So funny and it gets I'm in Chris, it gets
so ludiprous.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Oh I love it. Oh Dan, I'm so happy for you.
I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Thank you, so so happy.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I got to see the baby.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Just so you know, So you guys are not going
to get.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
To see the baby.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
No, but I got to see the baby. Sorry, I
don't say that to me, mean to the audience. But
I did get to see the baby.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
See my young guest, who is a gorgeous, gorgeous god
o my life love the balance. He just started to
say words properly. If it's gorgeous.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Oh does wait? Does he have your accent he has a.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
Bit of so weirdly enough, they both start with my
accent and then they grow out of my accent. So
my youngest spoke with such an English accent, and now
my current youngest speaks with such an English A sorry,
such a strong English accent. But then the first word
that changes is tomato. And then as soon as a tomato,
I know I've lost them.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Oh the shift.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
In tomatoes, man, those tomatoes are ruining.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
For tomatoes are the asshole.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Tomatoes ruined my life. I just want a tomato and
can't get one at my kids. And then my eldest
will now correct me. He's saying that wrong, Like I
that is.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
A knife and heart. That is also hate crime. You
don't even know what that means for coming so much fun. Thanks,
I just like to hang out with people.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I like. It's very nice, very nice.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Whatever your light is, I need that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Because, oh, I'll send you the whole My whole setup
is very good.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh it's very yeah, that's very It's just.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
One light, but it has a like you know when
you're on set and they put the silks in front
of the kenos. It has like a mini silk. It's
a nice light. We have so much to text about.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I know, and I will see you when I'm next
to label to have a catchup.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Okay, honey, bye.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Bye, my love. Have a good day.
Hi everyone, It's Sophia. Welcome to work in progress. Friends.
I could not let Tan go without actually playing an
honorable gaze round with him. I because, as I mentioned
last time, I love nothing more than these Reddit threads.
(00:22):
There are people who post them on certain social accounts
that my friends and I follow, and it's kind of
like the break we take in the middle of a
workday is to go have you seen this one?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
So?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I feel like you sort of made this show for me.
Thank you very much. I love as well that people
are getting to see not only your personality but some
inside queer culture on YouTube thanks to this show. So
for friends who are joining us newly today, the whole
way this works if you've seen them are There are
(00:55):
a series of threads on Reddit called am I the Asshole?
Where somebody explains a problem they're trying to figure out
what's going on. You're required, if you're going to do
this in a reading, to be a little sassy and
a little judge obviously and good fun. Does that part
come naturally to you after all these years on reality TV?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Absolutely? Easy? Easy?
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Bad? Well, I'd like to see if I'm cut out
to be your honorable.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Well we're calling anyone who joins honorary gay, even if.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
That's you're gay.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, well an honorary Yeah. I can take the place
of a gay man on this episode, I suppose. So
I'm into it. Okay, I'm going to read you a
situation and we'll see this one.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I'm really I do this my girlfriends.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
It's my favorite thing.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
It's so fun, and this one actually feels really pressing,
especially given the queer eye of it all. Am I
the asshole for asking my friend not to wear makeup
to my wedding? I recently asked my close friend Devin
to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. We've been friends
since high school and I was very excited to have
(02:05):
her by my side. I put together baskets for my
bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code
for the wedding.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I was already smelled trouble going.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I know, I'm so anxious, I'm sweating. The list included
that I wanted them all to wear a green dress
in any style or shade, silver heels okay, and light
natural makeup. I do plan on having a makeup artist
there day of to do the girls makeup for context.
(02:35):
Devin typically dressed dresses in a very traditional Goth style
with white light bass, heavy black eyelin. I love her
style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it. However,
that's not the look I'm going for at my wedding.
(02:56):
She texted me a few hours after I gave her
the basket, saying, so I'm not allowed to wear my
makeup to the wedding. I explained to her that if
she wanted to be a bridesmaid, she'd have to adhere
to my dress code, but she was welcome to just
come as a guest and dress in her normal style.
She responded basically saying, if you don't want me to
be myself, I don't need to be there at all.
(03:19):
I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is.
I just want her to match the rest of the
bridesmaids for one day. She got upset and said, I
care more about a photo than my friend's comfort. I
feel like I was being really reasonable and even offered
a compromise, but I also don't want to lose a
friend over something this small. Am I the asshole? O?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
God?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I love this fun? Oh my god, I love wedding once. Okay,
we'll see this. Oh on, Honorable Gays are first?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Oh am I wrong?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
The first episodes of wedding episodes. I wanted to do
a full season of wedding because.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
I love a wedding story. Yes, I've got.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
My own wedding story of one day. I want to
share it. It was when I was a private part
of the bridal party. Oh my gosh, it's so good,
but I'm too scared to tell it because this person is.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Going to know.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Okay, Oh, we have to figure out a way to
tell that story.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Actually, weirdly enough, that's how this whole show came to
be because of my experience.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Sup. Yes, Oh my god, we have so much to
talk about when the world is not listening.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Okay, Okay continue, Okay, wait, you read the story, so
it's so if whoever reads the story, they can't go first.
But I really want your take first. However, Okay, here's
how Honorable Gaze goes. We discuss it, and then we
come to a decision. But because of who I am
and how I am wired, I always have my opinion
(04:42):
A lot to load it and I refuse.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Because I'm so you refuse to change.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
However, you could potentially convince me. So okay, I could
play the role of Eric and Rob today and give
my arguments I'm going to give against or born again. Sorry, okay,
you can make you could be the judge can First off,
I do appreciate that she gave a loose list of Okay,
(05:10):
it's just gonna be green. Does have to be a
certain particular green. It can be what the kind of
dress just has to be a green that is somewhat
considerate because we've heard some stories on honorall gays where
they are nowhere near as kind. So that's a good start.
Like makeup, I kind of get like you want your
pictures to be esthetically pleasing or your way you are
(05:32):
going to person on social so I know that you
wanted to have a certain vibe. I get it. So
that's the nice side of me. The real side of
me is I also kind of feel for the bridesmaid
thinking I'm already gonna wear the dresses. It seems that
the dress isn't the issue, so she'll wear the dress
(05:53):
or weather silver shoes. She may compromise when it comes
to makeup, and there are certain things that feels so
you to ready lay this argument down. I'm imagining if
her makeup is like my hair, if somebody wanted me
to dye my hair because I was the only person
(06:14):
that didn't have black hair at South Asian wedding. I'm
the only one that didn't have black hair, so I
was going to ruin the photos, I think, but this
is it's me, like, it's how I feel most people
in the world, and I don't want to pretend to
be somebody else that day. I don't want to costume
that day because you're my friend and I love you,
and this is all you've always known me is this,
And so I think it's really harsh to say to
(06:37):
your friend, Hey, bitch, I'm happy with how you are
every other day of your life, but today I want
you to be a different person to make me happy.
Just let us see, like a dig move a little bit,
and so.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Okay, I guess I've come up with my argument.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Okay, my clothes and stavement is this some light suggestions
for your bridesmaids is appropriate, But when it comes to
something that truly represents who they are and what will
make them comfortable, I think you have to have some
wiggle room, and I think it is. It's way harsh.
(07:16):
Do you know the term way hash tie? That's the
way hash tie. You can't make your goth emo friend
be a dainty queen just because it's your wedding. She's
your friend if you love her, respect to let her
wear the makeup that makes her feel most comfortable.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Yeah, do you think I'm wrong?
Speaker 1 (07:36):
It's this one is so hard.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
It's so hard.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Because I get listen, if one day in your life
gets to be about you, it's supposed to be your wedding. Yeah,
and I understand that. Look, here's what's hard for me.
I don't have a visual you know, are we talking
Gene Simmons from Kiss Like?
Speaker 3 (07:58):
If we're talking like visual to be.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Like if it's full hardcore goth black lipstick, like the
whole whatever, you know, all the all the things. I
understand that that wouldn't exactly fit the vibe. What I
will actually say is, now, having read this twice because
I read it before we got on zoom and then
(08:24):
I'm rereading it. The issue I have with this is
the lack of an upfront conversation like this. The bride
passed out baskets to all the women like they were
going to be taken in the same way. When the
makeup thing was she knew would be personal for this
(08:45):
friend of so long, and then the friend text it
and I'm like, you gotta have the kindness to say, Hey,
I'm prepping this thing. I'm going to give everyone their
baskets tomorrow, invite her out for a drink, go over
for a snack at the house, and just say, I
don't want this to come off terribly. And you know,
(09:08):
I think you're like magnificent and hot and I love
this vibe for you, and I love your whole look
and I love your I don't know whatever piercing's, combat boots,
whatever it is, would you be comfortable at my wedding
like matching all the other bridesmaids a little more. I
just want everything to feel super seamless. And that might
seem silly, It's just what I'm envisioning for my day,
(09:31):
but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I
bet if this woman had been proactive about this conversation,
it would have gone a completely different I agree.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
I agree, I agree. I also wonder if not just
having the conversation making it very clear that.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Okay, maybe this.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Is a silly suggestion, but if it was one of
my close, close friends, I would say, if it is
an issue for you, I completely understop. If you don't
want and then no big deal and I won't be
offended whatsoever. I love you. And if this just isn't
few and if it's going to make you feel like good,
well I understand if you don't want to be someone
giving you the option. I would love for you to
be my bridesmaid, but I would like my wedding to
(10:13):
go like this. So if you were okay with that,
I want you desperately to be my bridesmaid. But if
you don't want to, it's okay and I won't be offended.
But I would look for you to be there. Yeah
you're there with me?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:27):
So yeah, that would be mine. So is the opn asshole?
Is what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
I don't think she meant to be.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
What we call it on the show is a soft asshole.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
It's a soft.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Because I don't Here's the thing. Weddings make people go crazy.
I did you say, did you are you married.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
To your part? Right now? Together?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
We're together?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah? Okay?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Good at your wedding.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Can we refer I had, yes, I had, I had
a go at the wedding that pinterest bilt was so beautiful.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Yeah yeah, okay, okay, So did you have them all matching?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Did you have to have?
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Now?
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You do that? Okay?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Okay, So that and I had men and my bridal
party and like you know, everything was so okay.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Here's the thing I'm going to say that's going to
hurt so many of you out there who's done this.
I think that we put our own feelings before our
friends feelings, or our feelings about a vibe and an
aesthetic over our friends true emotions. And so if I
knew that some of my friends weren't going to match in,
(11:39):
I was just thinking, I'm going to care make it easier.
I'm just gonna have one person with anybody to be
my maid of.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Bottle or something or my groomsmith.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
And therefore I'm going to mitigate hurting my friends. I
rather that over the aesthetic.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I think we care to watch about the aesthetic now.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I yeah, yeah, the aesthetic have taken on such a
thing that I just don't think they need to. And
I will say I think also sometimes you can get
so caught up in that part that it can take
(12:17):
the place of what's really important. And I will say
I will be vulnerable and say this was my own experience.
Looking back, I realize we were so focused on the
project that we weren't looking at the fact that, like
the thesis was missing, if you will, that's the kindest
way I can say that. So it's like, if you're
so obsessed with what these photos are going to look like,
(12:39):
what might you be missing in the emotion. I think
when people are too focused on the details, it's because
there's a lack of something really important going on. Not
to you know, send this op to therapy, but it
might be worth a yestion. Maybe now I'm the asshole.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
You are so fair. Basically, what I was saying them
is aesthetics of the asshole because they've they've ruined our
society where we think it's more important to have this
esthetically pleasing photo that caring about your friend's feelings.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Yeah, and by the way, it's not like this is
your best friend of five years. This is someone you've
been friends with since high school. She always looks like this,
you know, if that's really who she is. I think
the conversation needs to be more delicate to say, would
you be willing to shift the vibe a little?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:29):
And if not, truly no worries, like you got you
gotta love your people for who they are.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yeah, So can I give you a sneak or yeah,
I guess it's a snepy or a teaser of one
of our stories, one of our stories on audible gas again,
because I love wedding stories so much. Is somebody's build
one of the bridesmaids build was different to the other bridesmaids.
And what she's saying without obviously saying it is one
of her brides was larger and taller than the other.
(14:00):
I said, therefore she was ruining quotes the photos. And
I sat there thinking, I know this story because this
has happened at a friend's wedding of mine. Like, so
we went to I know that my friend was being
invited to be a bridesmaid at somebody's wedding. I didn't know,
And I was like, you need to call that a
bitch out of your life, Like she doesn't want you
in your photos in the photos because you you in
(14:23):
your dress, don't lock as smelt as everybody else in
their dress. She shows a body can't dress for everyone.
Of course, that wasn't gonna be perfect for all of
her friends. It's not No one's gonna feel confident in that.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That is a hate crime. I know a period that.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Person was clearing the asshole in that situation. And so
I think my biggest do you know what the asshole is?
The asshole of the story is weddings in general.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
American Instagram.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I'm gonna call it American general of weddings in general
are the asshole because they've been courageous to behave like
mean people to our friends and family. And just think
what happened to back in the day when that could
go to wear what I beat they want to wear.
You're gonna have your dating sixteen rides space. You've got
just one that with your husband who gives a ship.
If you gives a share the body that you think
(15:12):
she needs to have on that day, it doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And now a word from our sponsors who make this
show possible. You know what I think my new litmus test,
And maybe this comes from the fact that half of
(15:35):
my closest friends all got divorced in the same summer
myself included. It was a really interesting reckoning because half
of us were going through divorces and then a half
of the other half of our friend group was all pregnant,
and I was like, what is happening? Like this is
a reality show gone sideways. It was funny and tragic
and beautiful and all the things. And one of the
(15:57):
things when when so many people reflect and you know
now that I really have admitted this to myself, now
that I really see it, when did I start ignoring
the red flags? When did I start compromising myself? When
did I tell myself, you know, this was part of it?
And I think there really can be something to what
(16:19):
you're living up to, this big dream, this thing for
your parents, this thing for your whole family. You're you're
so caught up in the planning of something that you
might not be paying attention to the minutia in your home.
And so now my litmus tests for anyone who tells
me they want to get married. And to be clear,
I love love obviously, or I wouldn't. I wouldn't be here.
(16:39):
I go, I'm a sucker for it. But my whole thing,
if you tell me you're getting married, I say, oh
my god, congratulations. If you tell me you're getting a divorce,
I say, oh my god, congratulations to both. I say,
is there anything I can do to help? But when
people tell me they want to get married, now, my
question is if you are going to elope in the
(17:01):
backyard with your person and a parent or a friend
and just that, would you still want to get married?
If no one was going to be there to watch?
Would you marry this person? That's the question I ask.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Now, that's fair, Okay, I have a version of that
which is way meaner.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Tell me this is why you're the judge, lay it
on us.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
And this is this is such an insane blanket statement.
I know this is not true. It's just my general feeling.
The bigger wedding, the bigger the wedding, the more likely
that marriage is to fail. For me, I've been to
some fancy Perhinds weddings in the last few years, gorgeous,
But every time I thought, I think, you focused so
(17:45):
much on this gorgeous wedding and they are amazing. Don't
get wrong, they've done an amazing event. You should have
gone downtown Hall and just arrange be a producer for
a living, be a wedding. But if you just want
to arrange an incredible wedding, arrange somebody else or something.
You don't need a thirty foot trail a train, you
don't need ten thousand people.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
At you wedding.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Just if it's about your marriage, make it be about
your marriage, not the wedding.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you. Sometimes you embark on a
project with someone and then when the wedding's over, you
become the project. And that's a big no no.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
And also I know this is such a given, but
if you are going into so much debt because you've
got a massive, massive, incredible wedding, don't get wrong. I
know it's a gorgeous wedding and I know it real
lights on Instagram. And if YE wants to wear the
dress you want, I understand that. But you're doing you're
basically your Your wedding is content, it's not your marriage.
(18:48):
You should not get into debt for that, because I
we tell you the next twenty years ago be rock
When you can't afford to pay all that wedding back.
You're up to such a rough start when you're with
the debt because of that wedding.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Alope, and start a small business instead.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Yeah, absolutely right.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Okay, So aesthetics are to blame. Big weddings need to
be done.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
So the assocle is in disorder. Big weddings, aesthetic expectation
for social media and soft asshole.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
We've done it.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
You've done that. This I've been doing for about five years.
That actually also we did it a lot during COVID.
Me and my girl friends were does a story, here's
a story, or give your opinion?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So please invite me to those zooms. That's the hang
I want to be on.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
So funny and it gets I'm in Chris, it gets
so ludiprous.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Oh I love it. Oh Dan, I'm so happy for you.
I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Thank you, so so happy.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I got to see the baby.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Just so you know, So you guys are not going
to get.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
To see the baby.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
No, but I got to see the baby. Sorry, I
don't say that to me, mean to the audience. But
I did get to see the baby.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
See my young guest, who is a gorgeous, gorgeous god
o my life love the balance. He just started to
say words properly. If it's gorgeous.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Oh does wait? Does he have your accent he has a.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
Bit of so weirdly enough, they both start with my
accent and then they grow out of my accent. So
my youngest spoke with such an English accent, and now
my current youngest speaks with such an English A sorry,
such a strong English accent. But then the first word
that changes is tomato. And then as soon as a tomato,
I know I've lost them.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Oh the shift.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
In tomatoes, man, those tomatoes are ruining.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
For tomatoes are the asshole.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Tomatoes ruined my life. I just want a tomato and
can't get one at my kids. And then my eldest
will now correct me. He's saying that wrong, Like I
that is.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
A knife and heart. That is also hate crime. You
don't even know what that means for coming so much fun. Thanks,
I just like to hang out with people.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I like. It's very nice, very nice.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Whatever your light is, I need that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Because, oh, I'll send you the whole My whole setup
is very good.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh it's very yeah, that's very It's just.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
One light, but it has a like you know when
you're on set and they put the silks in front
of the kenos. It has like a mini silk. It's
a nice light. We have so much to text about.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I know, and I will see you when I'm next
to label to have a catchup.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Okay, honey, bye.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Bye, my love. Have a good day.
Host
Sophia Bush
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