April 30, 2026 • 29 mins
Exhausted and resentful but can't figure out why? It might be your people-pleasing. In Episode 49, we get real about how constantly saying yes to everyone and no to yourself is draining you dry. We break down why people-pleasing is a fear response, how it quietly breeds resentment, and what it takes to finally start choosing yourself without guilt. This one will shift how you see yourself.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The truth is that people pleasing at its core is
rooted in us not feeling like we're good enough, like
feeling like we're not valued, feel like we're not appreciated,
feeling like the only way like someone's gonna like us
is if we overextend ourselves, and that's a trauma response
for so many people. The need to make other people
like you or see you based on the things you
do for them is actually the worst thing you will
(00:20):
ever do to yourself, because now you are tied to
what they say or how they approve of what they
like about you. At the end of our lives, the
only person that you will resent is you. It's not
just that you're good and generous, because maybe you are.
Maybe these are natural qualities and characteristics to you. But
often when it's rooted in the desire to be seen
or liked, that's not our generosity, that's our wound. We
(00:43):
don't respond to people from our healed place, respond to
them from the desire for them to finally pick us,
for them to tell us that we're doing good for them,
to make us feel like we're validated and worth it,
and we will never actually be worth it. We'll never
love ourselves if we keep thinking that we have to
be loved by someone else first. This is made for
this mountain with Josh Rosa for we're turning pain into purpose.
(01:05):
So a lot of these things stem from so many places,
and a lot of people would go back and say, well,
you know, it's because of how my parents taught me
or what they did to me, or how they made
me feel. And that's very valid and very true, and
for a lot of people that's a big, big root
of what's going on. But at its core, at the
center part of all this, for a lot of us,
it's not just how our parents made us feel, but
(01:27):
it's how we think that we need to show up
for everyone else. And again, might be rooted in that,
but it's deeper when we realize that there's different levels
of people pleasing, like there are the ones that again
the parents, the thing that we stemmed from, where we
think that that's how we could live up to the
desire or the potential or the things they're asking for us.
We have that drive to do so much better in
(01:50):
every other place that it's this unsatiable thirst that we
have that's never going to feel fulfilled because it's never
going to be enough. You're never going to feel that.
And that's actually people pleasing from from a parental one,
but even deeper our own desire to look like the
person that we thought we should have looked like for them,
but to be this image that we thought that they were,
(02:10):
and you will never be that image. The truth is
that you're always going to have something more. There's gonna
be another mountain to climb, there was gonna be more
that you need to produce for that to ever be fulfilled.
So when we look at that, it has to come
to a point where we need to understand that there
will never be enough, and we need to learn to
be joyful and be grateful in the things that we have.
(02:31):
Now learn that it's not the quantity but the quality.
It's not how much you achieve, but how much purpose
achieves in you. And we again whenever please those people,
those family members of ours, because it's just it's not possible.
And you always have these things that we don't even
understand because again for them, again, these wounds are passed down.
(02:52):
These are generational things that our habits are wounds that
have been passed and permitted in our family for so
long that we fall in to this trap, and especially
in like Latino homes where there's a big, big cultural thing,
because our parents, for the biggest part of everything, they
just want to brag, like they just want they don't
want your success. They do want you to be happy,
but they also want to tell other people of all
(03:13):
the things you're doing. Like I remember when I was
I went to school and I have a degree in microbiology,
and I was going to go to PA School and
that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to go
into the medical field. And then I realized that I
had a talent for speaking, I had a talent for teaching.
And my friend convinced me, he's like, listen, worst case
I already got into PA school at this point. Worst
case scenario, you go to teaching and you go into
(03:35):
the ministry stuff you were doing, and if you hate it, god,
next year or the year after, you could still apply later.
And I was like, you know what, that makes a
lot of sense. And I ended up going and I
ended up doing really well what I was doing. But
as I was studying stuff, my mom would always post like, oh,
my future doctor and this and that and the third
and that was the thing, now pull this closure. My
mom was very supportive of everything I did. No matter
(03:56):
what I did, she was going to be boasting and
bragging about her son because she just loved their son.
There's a very thing. But for a lot of us
in our culture, culturally, we have parents or even family members,
uncles and aunts that they want other people to see
how successful you are. They want other people to know
about their family member that's doing all these things because
(04:17):
it makes them look good, It adds to their flavor,
it adds to their spice, And we end up creating
this almost disappointing response when we don't choose what they
were bragging about. We don't choose to do the thing
that they want us to. We choose to do things
that brings us the most joy, that brings us the
most gratitude to us, makes us happy with us and
(04:38):
be grateful for us, not for what they need to
see or what they think. And that's hard, right, because
no one wants to disappoint anyone, much less someone in
your family. But I need us to shift away from
this thought that if we do what we want, it
will disappoint other people. So what disappoint them like? I
need to understand you can disappoint people they don't have
(05:00):
They're not gonna die your deft, they're not gonna pay
your bills, they're not gonna live your life. Why do
you think that you need to please them in a
way that they're going to be happy? Will that do
for you? Absolutely nothing. The shame is a lie that
keeps us rooted in something that we don't need to be.
And you don't need to remain in the same place
or the same pattern just because your family members think
(05:20):
that you should be there. And again, if you're doing
something terrible in your life, okay, maybe they're just looking
out for the best for you. But at some point
we need to realize that we have this people pleasing
mentality out of a fear of letting down the people
that we are connected to with their families and our
friends too, but we'll dive into that later. Just this
notion that you have the freedom and the ability and
(05:45):
the just the wherewithal to do what you need to
do for you. You're aware, you know what this is. And
if we continue to stay in things that we think
will bring joy to other people, we will make sure
that we're we will rob our own joy, to flatter theirs,
to give more to theirs, to pump up theirs. It
(06:07):
will not be who you deserve to be if you
have to continue to live in something that is only
pleasing to other people that you thought at one point
you had to please. And this is the most freeing
thing you will ever do. There is so much freedom
in knowing that you are free to just be you.
(06:27):
You're free to just live in who you are and
do the thing that you love, of course, barring that
it hurts other people or that you're hurting yourself or
you know, the things that genuinely bring joy and goodness
to you and will dive into the rest of us.
I have to real quick commercial break, so something that
I'm actually going through right now, and I feel like
(06:48):
it's important. I've said this so many times on this
podcast that I share everything because I feel like it's
important for us to see that there's just truth everywhere,
and not everyone knows everything, and not everyone's freed from
going through things and struggling to things. We all have
these things. So as I'm even recording this now, there
(07:08):
is a great possibility that this podcast may no longer exist.
I don't know what's happening trying to have some meetings
and some things put in order. It might might be
shifting to a different place or to a different format,
and it might just not happen at all. And I yesterday,
oh yeah, yesterday, as I was I was driving after
having this meeting, I'm heading home, there was this discouragement
(07:30):
that I was feeling. Like I said, again, I'm not
going things, and I'm sharing it with you guys, because
I think it's very important, especially when we come to
the sense of people pleasing and who are we actually
making happy? But as I was, like I've said it before, right,
there's the possibility that this might not we didn't reach
the metrics that needed to be hit. And again I'm
(07:50):
I'm not making excuses, but just being real. I'm not
exactly the most famous person on my network. I'm just
a guy that has a lot to say and cares
about a lot of people. And there was given this
this a person specifically with who he's doing amazing things
and he's still trying to even help me, believed in me,
and I think that's one of the most important things.
And I wouldn't leave by for another episode, but I
do think it's important that you give people their flowers
(08:12):
when they do things that they don't have to do,
when they go out of their way to kind of
just love on you and help you and pour into
you because they believe in you. I think that's that's
so vital, and that'll be for like closer to the
end of this episode of podcasts. But as I was driving,
I'm sitting here and I'm dealing with like this discouragement.
I'm thinking, wow, man, like, I guess I wasn't good enough.
(08:33):
I guess I didn't hit the metrics I needed to hit.
I guess I bit off more than I could chew.
And again, I'm very privileged in this sense because I
got something in a very quick time that most people
spend years trying to achieve. And that's to the regard
of somebody believe in you. But that's another episode for later.
And I'm sitting there and I'm just thinking to myself, man,
(08:55):
like this sucks, like this this is something that I
was really joyful, and I'm really just putting everything behind
and again not giving power to the excuses. But life
at the same time simultaneously became extremely difficult. There are
a lot of things that I had to step into
that I couldn't give full time or didn't give the
(09:16):
time it deserved, rather than not that it didn't full time,
because this is hours and hours of editing and writing
and all this thing. But I think I still think
that when you are, especially when you're new in something,
you need to be able to invest in it even
deeper than most people would. But I'm not giving power
to that, just the reality of it, just something I
have to sit within and unpack. And I say this
because one of course, I'll be mentioning it as we
(09:38):
go along the last few episodes here, But I say
this because I think it's important for us to understand
that sometimes we feel like we didn't give enough in
a place that we think we need to please, that
we need to make to something, And what happens is
that we foster this resentment for the thing, or for
the people or for the place. We foster this lie.
(10:00):
Because what happens in our feeling of not being enough,
of not feel like we please the right people, we
create this false dichotomy between success and joy. Like I
enjoy enjoyed and enjoy it, will enjoy creating content and
make yourself It's not that means I stop, right, It
doesn't mean any of that. It just means that the
(10:21):
way I shape things needs to change. And if you
allow discouragement to be the driving force behind everything you
are done like, you will never feel joyful, you will
never feel purposeful, You'll feel like you're not good enough.
And this is where we foster this resentment. This is
what this falls into because again, tied into your family members,
your friends, your job, like me, if you're tying these
(10:42):
things in there, you are looking for these things to
applaud your effort. Sometimes they won't. Sometimes you'll try really
really hard and it won't work. But what that means,
what that does? It doesn't mean that you change the vision.
That's the old saying. Right, You change the goal, you
change the plan, you change how you approach things, You
(11:03):
change the opportunities that you have. Maybe you'll get other opportunities.
Maybe that's that's a factor for me, Right, that's on
the table. There are other opportunities being potentially presented, and
those are things that we all we always need to
address and move with. We foster resentment in places that
we don't feel like we can live up to, and
(11:24):
sometimes we don't even realize it like you will respond
out of this resentment, whether you know it or not,
in a snappy way. Someone might say something to you
or might bring it up, and you will just respond
negatively because you fostered resentment in a place for something
that you feel shame about. Listen, no matter where you
(11:47):
are in life, no matter what the struggle looks like,
no matter how the growth looks like or lack thereof
what it feels like, we need to first learn that
our joy is not rooted in what we're doing or
who sees us, or how successful we are. It's rooted
and who we are. My success does not dictate my joy.
My joy dictates my success. The things that I'm doing
in life are not going to dictate who I am.
(12:08):
Who I am dictates the things that will do at
the end of our lives. If we keep responding from
a place of resentment, we will always be hurt. If
you respond from a place of joy, if you are
centered and who you are and who you are made
to be, every time you respond to something, it's going
to be from the place that you are capable and
not from what it was done to you. Excuse because
when we live in that shame. What happens for a
(12:28):
lot of us is that we are now responding from
that shame. We're responding from that resentment, responding from the pain,
So we destroy anything else. We don't allow the things
that could have fostered and to happen. We don't allow
those things to grow because we are now stuck there.
But what if the way you respond to those things
is not by that outcome, but by your internal outcome,
what you've already created and has actually come out of
(12:51):
you into those things. It will not dictate who you are.
Who you are will dictate what it is. How you
change and how you respect bond, and how you allow
those things to either flow through or stop, you will
change everything. I believe that we can only measure success
by how we're willing to continue. That's actually exactly it,
(13:14):
because if we're measuring success by how we're willing to continue,
then we can measure failure. But where we're willing to stop.
If you're going to stop here, then that's it. That's
that's where you are. That's all you will ever be,
that's all you will ever grow, and you will live
with the resentment of what you could have been you
will live with that that what if pain, But if
you're growing through it, if you're choosing to not let
(13:38):
resentment be your catalyst, and something amazing happens. There's a
connection between consistently giving and feeling completely empty, Like I
want to first fan that flame that you should be generous,
you should be good, You should give. You shouldn't let
(13:58):
this cold world make you old. You shouldn't let it
rob your warmth. It should shouldn't let it stop you
from giving to the places that deserve to receive what
you're willing to receive. But there has to be reciprocity
because we can't dry ourselves, we can't drain ourselves dry,
and then wonder why we feel empty, we feel like
a shell of ourselves. There has to be a way
(14:22):
to gage this. And the way you get just simple.
Am I pouring in and am I being poured into you? Like?
Is this people pleasing with me? Just pouring in and
no one giving back to me? Or is this reciprocal?
And I'm pouring in and it's and I'm being poured
back into it? And sometimes that might look different, like
sometimes you pour it into a place might be because
(14:43):
you're pouring out of abundance. You have more, and you're
giving more and then pouring into you whatever it is
the job though the family members of the relationship, then
pouring into you is from a place of reciprocal abundance.
So they have abundance you don't. They're the best relationships
you will ever have. Their best careers, you ever have,
the best friends, romantic partners, whatever. The best relationships will
(15:03):
always come from a place where you pour into each
other when you don't have Like if you both have awesome,
that's great, keep pouring in. But it comes to a
place where you are down and bad and they are
willing to pour into you, and you're willing to pour
into them when they are down and bad. It's some
There's something powerful about that understanding that there is a
(15:27):
dynamic where we keep each other not just alive, but
thriving in that. I think the greatest thing that you
ever find in a partner is a partner that sees
who you are as you're doing because not not just potential,
because potential is bad. Potential is dangerous. Sometimes we like
to marry potential and then we get our heart broken
because we saw they could potentially be but they didn't
(15:47):
see it. It's finding a person that has drive and
will and then saying I'm pouring into you because I
believe in what you believe. If that person does not
believe that they can be that thing, I promise you
will ever change them. Just because you can see what
they can be doesn't mean that they will be what
you see. At the end of the day, you will
break your heart more thinking that you can change somebody
(16:08):
into something that they don't want to be. It's great
that you have vision and you can see the diamond
in the rough, but you cannot force a person to
do what they need to do to become that person.
You will hate yourself because you've spent so much time
trying to give more of you and pouring into a
place that is never pouring back into you. Now there's
(16:29):
a difference again with potential with people who are actively
trying to live it. Effort is the most important thing
that you will ever see. If we're willing to pour
into these places and they're willing to pour back, then
it's not people pleasing, it's reciprocal. And this is how
we gauge these things. Do you actually care and give
where it's necessary or is it just something that is
(16:52):
out of convenience for you, for me to do to you,
to help you in that way, to give in to
you that way, to make you the pinic everything. We
need to be able to understand that difference, because that's
how we end up staying stuck in places that we
should have left a long time ago. It's a connection
between constantly giving and feeling completely empty in this thing. Again,
(17:17):
it's easy to gauge no matter what it is, romantic career,
whatever that is, do you feel empty in it? Like?
Are you showing up every day and you hate? And again,
I feel like I have to just give some little
prefaces here because sometimes we'll say stuff like, ah, I
have work and I hate work, And sometimes you really
just isn't giving to you. It isn't purposeful for you.
(17:39):
It's just just work. You have to show up for work,
and that's you know, that's a problem and things to
addressed and think about. But sometimes it's also us, right,
It's how we approach things, it's how we see things.
There's people that are begging for the job that you have.
They are begging for your problems, and we lose sight
of that because we've become so used to just the circle,
(18:01):
the cycle that we're in, that it just doesn't feel
good to us to continue there because again, you're so
used to it, like there is nothing that will make
you feel more afraid or missing the thing then potentially
no longer having it. I know for a lot of
people that I know personally that if they complain often
(18:21):
about their jobs, but it's because they're so used to
the complaining portion of it that it's just something that
goes with the workflow. But the moment, if if they
had to lose that, the moment that's gone, they would
absolutely miss it. So is it the thing is actually
draining you or is it just that you have been
conditioned to have this mindset where so you're just gonna complain,
(18:43):
complain about everything, one of those things that we need
to be able to address and if it's not life given,
if it's the latter, right, then it's outside of who
you are and you're always going to feel a way.
You will feel drained in a thing that wasn't meant
for you to keep. You always feel like, oh this sucks,
my life is horrible, My life is terrible because you
(19:03):
are doing something that is outside of what you were
meant to be doing. And I know it's easy to
say sometimes we all got bills, we all have things
we have to come up with, but we also have
we live in a time where we have the luxury
and the ability to build things on the side. And again,
again I'm speaking from experience, Like I'm not just say
(19:24):
I just shared how hard my schedule is, how hard
my life is, how hard. There's so many things happening around.
But it's impossible for me to look at this and
not feel joyful. Like I don't look at these things
and say, oh, man, like this is horrible, Like it
is like I acknowledged it, right. I I had a
moment where allowed myself to feel and to unpack and
to sit with it. But then after that we're back,
We're business as usual. Why because I'm not concerned about
(19:48):
the negative outcomes. I'm concerned about me creating the positive.
I'm concerned about what am I going to do next.
I'm more driven by the desire to succeed than I
am by the fear of failure. If you stay stuck there,
that's the thing you will feed. And when we feed
our failure, we feed that fear. It becomes the center
point of everything. And we'll talk about the rest of
(20:12):
this after this real quick commercial break. So our last
two points here before we wrap this episode up is
how to start setting boundaries without guilt or explanation. That's
a big one. I think that is the most powerful
thing you will ever do in your life. Have firm
boundaries and not need to explain yourself, not need to
tell somebody, oh, well, this is why I feel this.
(20:33):
Where was no just flat out boundaries and be firm
on them. And we struggle with this because we still
want people to like us, we still want to please them.
We still want them to feel like we're this good
person and we're this, and we're that. I don't care
what you think about me. I think you need to
learn to be okay with being the bad person in
someone's story, being the villain, being the character. I don't
care what your opinion is about me, if it's going
(20:55):
to affect who I am as a person. We should
not be afraid to be firm on what we need
and how we feel and not need to justify that.
You don't need to justify to somebody why you don't
want to show up to their thing. You don't need
to justify to them why you don't feel like you're
this or that involved in that situation. We don't need
to explain ourselves now. I want to be clear that
(21:15):
there should be parameters to that right. Sometimes there are
certain things that you're just being a crappy person. That's different.
You just don't want to help anyone, or love anyone,
or carry one. I'm not saying don't do those things.
I'm saying that you need to be clear that you
are not meant to be walked over, That you don't
have to please everyone by showing up when they need
you or desire you to be there. You don't need
to sit here and be a stepping stool for somebody
(21:38):
else to get up and do something that they don't
even care if you're there. Being firmed and creating these
boundaries doesn't mean that you don't love people. It just
means that you learn to love you, that you stop
saying yes to everything and devalue yes. At some point
we'll have to shift this mindset, this thought that we
(22:01):
need to tell everybody everything, that we need to feel
guilty for not saying yes to what they want. From us.
It's not your job. You your job is literally not
to do what they need. That's not your job. Your
job is to do what you need to grow, how
you need to grow, to change it, to be better,
how you need to be better. Yes again, I'll echo it.
(22:22):
Love people, care for people, but don't feel like it's
your obligation, your duty, your job to do things for them.
They're just unnecessary. At some faction in our life, we've
been made to feel like that the only way we're
valuable or good or useful is if we produce something
(22:44):
for someone else. You can say no. The most powerful
sentence that you will ever speak is just saying no,
I'm not going to show up there. I'm not going
to do these things. I'm not going to respond how
you need me to respond just so you can feel
better about yourself. I'm not going to make my self
less so that you can feel greater. You should be
able to say no and not feel guilty about it.
(23:06):
That will be the most growth that you will ever
see in you, because it allows you to love you deeper.
Create these boundaries and stop people pleasing. Stop allowing people
to dictate how you act or react based on what
they think it should look like. And our final point
here is if what it really means to show up
(23:27):
authentically for yourself and others? And I think it's interesting
there because if we are authentically us, that will rub
the wrong people the wrong way. Like, if you are
authentically who you are, who you want to be, your
firm with your boundaries, you just are joyful than you
you're grateful for who you are. If you are that person,
the people that benefited from the use they had over
(23:49):
you will hate you. They will say that you change.
You will say that you're this, They say you're that
that you think you're better. You know what? Yes you
are better? What now? Yes you have it more together now?
Yes your life is good? What now? We need to
stop allowing people to not make, not allow us to
make to feel like we are doing good, that we're happy,
(24:09):
that we're joyful. I've encountered that myself in my life.
I've had people who and I mentioned this in different episodes,
but I think it's relevant when we understand about people
pleasing that I've had people in my life who have
been in these quiet competitions with me that I've just
never was aware of because my mindset is never me
against you. My mindset is olways us. How can we improve?
How how do I love people around me more? How
(24:31):
do I show up more? How do I cheer for me?
And this was the biggest problem when I began to
cheer for me because I've been doing things that I'm
so grateful for. Like I've mentioned, they had a problem
with it, and that echoes loudly. The people that will
never cheer for you publicly are always the people that
criticize you privately. They're always going to be the ones
that had a lot to say. You'll never see the
(24:54):
applause from them. No matter what you do. You could
have cured cancer for all that matters, and they you
will never say that you did something great. And that's
a dumb issue. That's not a U issue. That's their
own ego, that's their own pride, that's their own insecurities.
If we're being real, if they are in a secret
competition with you and that you're not aware of, and
you start doing well in life, they are going to
(25:15):
be very mad because it means that they're they didn't
improve on them. And especially if you're in the mindset
of just loving people and caring for the people around you.
It's almost going to feel like a slight to them
because they're gonna think, well, what are you doing? Like
what we're supposed to be frenemies. Those are the worst
people you will ever have around you. And when you
(25:37):
show up authentically, when you stop saying yes to everything
and everyone, when you stop explaining yourself, when you are
just not pouring into people that aren't putting back into you,
it will always hurt the people that won when you didn't.
The greatest thing you will ever do is stop people
(25:59):
pleasing because it stems into so many places of your life.
It just roots out and it kind of just changes
the things around you. At some point in time, we
have to learn that the only way we can actually
love people, it's the first love ourselves. It's the whole
(26:22):
airplane crashing thing, right that if the plane is going down,
that you need to be able to put your mask
on yourself first before you can do it for anyone else.
Or you need to be able to be able to
breathe and just be present to help them. And you
can't do that if you're panicking and flaring your arms
and just suffocating because you didn't put on your mask.
(26:44):
People pleasing would tell us that we need to go
and put on everyone else's mask before we put on
our own. You will never help those people. You'll never
love fully into the people that need to be loved
by you if you don't have your mask on. It's
okay to say no. It's okay to not tell them
why you said no. It's okay to have a boundary
(27:05):
and a voider and create these things and not allow
people over the sides that they shouldn't be on, or
to pass through these things they shouldn't be on, and
love yourself deeply without needing to explain it to everyone else.
So again, as I mentioned, I'll be mentioning for the
next couple of episodes, which is like what like three
so my god, I don't know. I'll mention as we
(27:27):
go along. Some things will change and if you made
it this long, first of all, thank you for listening
to this podcast. Thank you for the support, thank you
just for your presence and who you are. I will
be announcing this and hopefully I'll have more concrete timeline,
but obviously my website made more motivated dot com That's
where I'm going to have a lot of bigger announcements
(27:49):
and questions for people to ask and thanks for us
to dive into. And obviously the social media stuff which
is underscore Joshua Rosa, which is likely where you probably
found this podcast episode from. But I'm going to be
sharing more of that stuff there, or more of what's
happening and more of life, and hopefully things just get
resolved and we're able to move on to the next
things here within the same sphere of what we're doing.
(28:13):
But if not such as life, you know, I think
that's like the cart quote. Also such as life, which
is something I've been saying for such a long time,
put on a shirt or something, but such as life.
Life will be life, and we will adapt or will
be crushed by what we don't adapt to. And I'm
looking forward to these next couple of episodes because I'm
going to be a little deeper obviously with my own
(28:33):
stuff and the things that we have to share. I'm
still going to try to answer the questions that people
send in and this is the again, the birth of
most of these episodes are from conversations or questions that
people have asked, So I'm still going to try to
incorporate those things like I did today very kind of incorporated.
I think that was all right, But I do want
to share what's happening. I mean, I've mentioned before the
book that I'm working on and all these great things,
(28:54):
all these things that are going to hopefully bring fruit
to other people. But I think it's important before we
say goodbye here that we understand that we will only
be limited by what we allow to limit us. And
I don't mean that to be like some super deep
quote that uh it's like philosophy, rich and all these things,
(29:16):
but I mean that like tangibly, like physically, like you
will only be stopped by what you allow to stop you. If,
for example, me, if this was what's going to stop me,
I've allowed that, or it's going to be another just
boost and everything else said I'm doing because I've had
the experience to do these type of things. So you'll
only be stopped by what you allowed to stop you.
(29:37):
Thank you again for listening to this episode, Thank you
for your presence. Think you just just for the continued
support and everything. Might be a few of us, but
I'm grateful for every class one of you. And we'll
catch you on the next episode. Take care,
The truth is that people pleasing at its core is
rooted in us not feeling like we're good enough, like
feeling like we're not valued, feel like we're not appreciated,
feeling like the only way like someone's gonna like us
is if we overextend ourselves, and that's a trauma response
for so many people. The need to make other people
like you or see you based on the things you
do for them is actually the worst thing you will
(00:20):
ever do to yourself, because now you are tied to
what they say or how they approve of what they
like about you. At the end of our lives, the
only person that you will resent is you. It's not
just that you're good and generous, because maybe you are.
Maybe these are natural qualities and characteristics to you. But
often when it's rooted in the desire to be seen
or liked, that's not our generosity, that's our wound. We
(00:43):
don't respond to people from our healed place, respond to
them from the desire for them to finally pick us,
for them to tell us that we're doing good for them,
to make us feel like we're validated and worth it,
and we will never actually be worth it. We'll never
love ourselves if we keep thinking that we have to
be loved by someone else first. This is made for
this mountain with Josh Rosa for we're turning pain into purpose.
(01:05):
So a lot of these things stem from so many places,
and a lot of people would go back and say, well,
you know, it's because of how my parents taught me
or what they did to me, or how they made
me feel. And that's very valid and very true, and
for a lot of people that's a big, big root
of what's going on. But at its core, at the
center part of all this, for a lot of us,
it's not just how our parents made us feel, but
(01:27):
it's how we think that we need to show up
for everyone else. And again, might be rooted in that,
but it's deeper when we realize that there's different levels
of people pleasing, like there are the ones that again
the parents, the thing that we stemmed from, where we
think that that's how we could live up to the
desire or the potential or the things they're asking for us.
We have that drive to do so much better in
(01:50):
every other place that it's this unsatiable thirst that we
have that's never going to feel fulfilled because it's never
going to be enough. You're never going to feel that.
And that's actually people pleasing from from a parental one,
but even deeper our own desire to look like the
person that we thought we should have looked like for them,
but to be this image that we thought that they were,
(02:10):
and you will never be that image. The truth is
that you're always going to have something more. There's gonna
be another mountain to climb, there was gonna be more
that you need to produce for that to ever be fulfilled.
So when we look at that, it has to come
to a point where we need to understand that there
will never be enough, and we need to learn to
be joyful and be grateful in the things that we have.
(02:31):
Now learn that it's not the quantity but the quality.
It's not how much you achieve, but how much purpose
achieves in you. And we again whenever please those people,
those family members of ours, because it's just it's not possible.
And you always have these things that we don't even
understand because again for them, again, these wounds are passed down.
(02:52):
These are generational things that our habits are wounds that
have been passed and permitted in our family for so
long that we fall in to this trap, and especially
in like Latino homes where there's a big, big cultural thing,
because our parents, for the biggest part of everything, they
just want to brag, like they just want they don't
want your success. They do want you to be happy,
but they also want to tell other people of all
(03:13):
the things you're doing. Like I remember when I was
I went to school and I have a degree in microbiology,
and I was going to go to PA School and
that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to go
into the medical field. And then I realized that I
had a talent for speaking, I had a talent for teaching.
And my friend convinced me, he's like, listen, worst case
I already got into PA school at this point. Worst
case scenario, you go to teaching and you go into
(03:35):
the ministry stuff you were doing, and if you hate it, god,
next year or the year after, you could still apply later.
And I was like, you know what, that makes a
lot of sense. And I ended up going and I
ended up doing really well what I was doing. But
as I was studying stuff, my mom would always post like, oh,
my future doctor and this and that and the third
and that was the thing, now pull this closure. My
mom was very supportive of everything I did. No matter
(03:56):
what I did, she was going to be boasting and
bragging about her son because she just loved their son.
There's a very thing. But for a lot of us
in our culture, culturally, we have parents or even family members,
uncles and aunts that they want other people to see
how successful you are. They want other people to know
about their family member that's doing all these things because
(04:17):
it makes them look good, It adds to their flavor,
it adds to their spice, And we end up creating
this almost disappointing response when we don't choose what they
were bragging about. We don't choose to do the thing
that they want us to. We choose to do things
that brings us the most joy, that brings us the
most gratitude to us, makes us happy with us and
(04:38):
be grateful for us, not for what they need to
see or what they think. And that's hard, right, because
no one wants to disappoint anyone, much less someone in
your family. But I need us to shift away from
this thought that if we do what we want, it
will disappoint other people. So what disappoint them like? I
need to understand you can disappoint people they don't have
(05:00):
They're not gonna die your deft, they're not gonna pay
your bills, they're not gonna live your life. Why do
you think that you need to please them in a
way that they're going to be happy? Will that do
for you? Absolutely nothing. The shame is a lie that
keeps us rooted in something that we don't need to be.
And you don't need to remain in the same place
or the same pattern just because your family members think
(05:20):
that you should be there. And again, if you're doing
something terrible in your life, okay, maybe they're just looking
out for the best for you. But at some point
we need to realize that we have this people pleasing
mentality out of a fear of letting down the people
that we are connected to with their families and our
friends too, but we'll dive into that later. Just this
notion that you have the freedom and the ability and
(05:45):
the just the wherewithal to do what you need to
do for you. You're aware, you know what this is. And
if we continue to stay in things that we think
will bring joy to other people, we will make sure
that we're we will rob our own joy, to flatter theirs,
to give more to theirs, to pump up theirs. It
(06:07):
will not be who you deserve to be if you
have to continue to live in something that is only
pleasing to other people that you thought at one point
you had to please. And this is the most freeing
thing you will ever do. There is so much freedom
in knowing that you are free to just be you.
(06:27):
You're free to just live in who you are and
do the thing that you love, of course, barring that
it hurts other people or that you're hurting yourself or
you know, the things that genuinely bring joy and goodness
to you and will dive into the rest of us.
I have to real quick commercial break, so something that
I'm actually going through right now, and I feel like
(06:48):
it's important. I've said this so many times on this
podcast that I share everything because I feel like it's
important for us to see that there's just truth everywhere,
and not everyone knows everything, and not everyone's freed from
going through things and struggling to things. We all have
these things. So as I'm even recording this now, there
(07:08):
is a great possibility that this podcast may no longer exist.
I don't know what's happening trying to have some meetings
and some things put in order. It might might be
shifting to a different place or to a different format,
and it might just not happen at all. And I yesterday,
oh yeah, yesterday, as I was I was driving after
having this meeting, I'm heading home, there was this discouragement
(07:30):
that I was feeling. Like I said, again, I'm not
going things, and I'm sharing it with you guys, because
I think it's very important, especially when we come to
the sense of people pleasing and who are we actually
making happy? But as I was, like I've said it before, right,
there's the possibility that this might not we didn't reach
the metrics that needed to be hit. And again I'm
(07:50):
I'm not making excuses, but just being real. I'm not
exactly the most famous person on my network. I'm just
a guy that has a lot to say and cares
about a lot of people. And there was given this
this a person specifically with who he's doing amazing things
and he's still trying to even help me, believed in me,
and I think that's one of the most important things.
And I wouldn't leave by for another episode, but I
do think it's important that you give people their flowers
(08:12):
when they do things that they don't have to do,
when they go out of their way to kind of
just love on you and help you and pour into
you because they believe in you. I think that's that's
so vital, and that'll be for like closer to the
end of this episode of podcasts. But as I was driving,
I'm sitting here and I'm dealing with like this discouragement.
I'm thinking, wow, man, like, I guess I wasn't good enough.
(08:33):
I guess I didn't hit the metrics I needed to hit.
I guess I bit off more than I could chew.
And again, I'm very privileged in this sense because I
got something in a very quick time that most people
spend years trying to achieve. And that's to the regard
of somebody believe in you. But that's another episode for later.
And I'm sitting there and I'm just thinking to myself, man,
(08:55):
like this sucks, like this this is something that I
was really joyful, and I'm really just putting everything behind
and again not giving power to the excuses. But life
at the same time simultaneously became extremely difficult. There are
a lot of things that I had to step into
that I couldn't give full time or didn't give the
(09:16):
time it deserved, rather than not that it didn't full time,
because this is hours and hours of editing and writing
and all this thing. But I think I still think
that when you are, especially when you're new in something,
you need to be able to invest in it even
deeper than most people would. But I'm not giving power
to that, just the reality of it, just something I
have to sit within and unpack. And I say this
because one of course, I'll be mentioning it as we
(09:38):
go along the last few episodes here, But I say
this because I think it's important for us to understand
that sometimes we feel like we didn't give enough in
a place that we think we need to please, that
we need to make to something, And what happens is
that we foster this resentment for the thing, or for
the people or for the place. We foster this lie.
(10:00):
Because what happens in our feeling of not being enough,
of not feel like we please the right people, we
create this false dichotomy between success and joy. Like I
enjoy enjoyed and enjoy it, will enjoy creating content and
make yourself It's not that means I stop, right, It
doesn't mean any of that. It just means that the
(10:21):
way I shape things needs to change. And if you
allow discouragement to be the driving force behind everything you
are done like, you will never feel joyful, you will
never feel purposeful, You'll feel like you're not good enough.
And this is where we foster this resentment. This is
what this falls into because again, tied into your family members,
your friends, your job, like me, if you're tying these
(10:42):
things in there, you are looking for these things to
applaud your effort. Sometimes they won't. Sometimes you'll try really
really hard and it won't work. But what that means,
what that does? It doesn't mean that you change the vision.
That's the old saying. Right, You change the goal, you
change the plan, you change how you approach things, You
(11:03):
change the opportunities that you have. Maybe you'll get other opportunities.
Maybe that's that's a factor for me, Right, that's on
the table. There are other opportunities being potentially presented, and
those are things that we all we always need to
address and move with. We foster resentment in places that
we don't feel like we can live up to, and
(11:24):
sometimes we don't even realize it like you will respond
out of this resentment, whether you know it or not,
in a snappy way. Someone might say something to you
or might bring it up, and you will just respond
negatively because you fostered resentment in a place for something
that you feel shame about. Listen, no matter where you
(11:47):
are in life, no matter what the struggle looks like,
no matter how the growth looks like or lack thereof
what it feels like, we need to first learn that
our joy is not rooted in what we're doing or
who sees us, or how successful we are. It's rooted
and who we are. My success does not dictate my joy.
My joy dictates my success. The things that I'm doing
in life are not going to dictate who I am.
(12:08):
Who I am dictates the things that will do at
the end of our lives. If we keep responding from
a place of resentment, we will always be hurt. If
you respond from a place of joy, if you are
centered and who you are and who you are made
to be, every time you respond to something, it's going
to be from the place that you are capable and
not from what it was done to you. Excuse because
when we live in that shame. What happens for a
(12:28):
lot of us is that we are now responding from
that shame. We're responding from that resentment, responding from the pain,
So we destroy anything else. We don't allow the things
that could have fostered and to happen. We don't allow
those things to grow because we are now stuck there.
But what if the way you respond to those things
is not by that outcome, but by your internal outcome,
what you've already created and has actually come out of
(12:51):
you into those things. It will not dictate who you are.
Who you are will dictate what it is. How you
change and how you respect bond, and how you allow
those things to either flow through or stop, you will
change everything. I believe that we can only measure success
by how we're willing to continue. That's actually exactly it,
(13:14):
because if we're measuring success by how we're willing to continue,
then we can measure failure. But where we're willing to stop.
If you're going to stop here, then that's it. That's
that's where you are. That's all you will ever be,
that's all you will ever grow, and you will live
with the resentment of what you could have been you
will live with that that what if pain, But if
you're growing through it, if you're choosing to not let
(13:38):
resentment be your catalyst, and something amazing happens. There's a
connection between consistently giving and feeling completely empty, Like I
want to first fan that flame that you should be generous,
you should be good, You should give. You shouldn't let
(13:58):
this cold world make you old. You shouldn't let it
rob your warmth. It should shouldn't let it stop you
from giving to the places that deserve to receive what
you're willing to receive. But there has to be reciprocity
because we can't dry ourselves, we can't drain ourselves dry,
and then wonder why we feel empty, we feel like
a shell of ourselves. There has to be a way
(14:22):
to gage this. And the way you get just simple.
Am I pouring in and am I being poured into you? Like?
Is this people pleasing with me? Just pouring in and
no one giving back to me? Or is this reciprocal?
And I'm pouring in and it's and I'm being poured
back into it? And sometimes that might look different, like
sometimes you pour it into a place might be because
(14:43):
you're pouring out of abundance. You have more, and you're
giving more and then pouring into you whatever it is
the job though the family members of the relationship, then
pouring into you is from a place of reciprocal abundance.
So they have abundance you don't. They're the best relationships
you will ever have. Their best careers, you ever have,
the best friends, romantic partners, whatever. The best relationships will
(15:03):
always come from a place where you pour into each
other when you don't have Like if you both have awesome,
that's great, keep pouring in. But it comes to a
place where you are down and bad and they are
willing to pour into you, and you're willing to pour
into them when they are down and bad. It's some
There's something powerful about that understanding that there is a
(15:27):
dynamic where we keep each other not just alive, but
thriving in that. I think the greatest thing that you
ever find in a partner is a partner that sees
who you are as you're doing because not not just potential,
because potential is bad. Potential is dangerous. Sometimes we like
to marry potential and then we get our heart broken
because we saw they could potentially be but they didn't
(15:47):
see it. It's finding a person that has drive and
will and then saying I'm pouring into you because I
believe in what you believe. If that person does not
believe that they can be that thing, I promise you
will ever change them. Just because you can see what
they can be doesn't mean that they will be what
you see. At the end of the day, you will
break your heart more thinking that you can change somebody
(16:08):
into something that they don't want to be. It's great
that you have vision and you can see the diamond
in the rough, but you cannot force a person to
do what they need to do to become that person.
You will hate yourself because you've spent so much time
trying to give more of you and pouring into a
place that is never pouring back into you. Now there's
(16:29):
a difference again with potential with people who are actively
trying to live it. Effort is the most important thing
that you will ever see. If we're willing to pour
into these places and they're willing to pour back, then
it's not people pleasing, it's reciprocal. And this is how
we gauge these things. Do you actually care and give
where it's necessary or is it just something that is
(16:52):
out of convenience for you, for me to do to you,
to help you in that way, to give in to
you that way, to make you the pinic everything. We
need to be able to understand that difference, because that's
how we end up staying stuck in places that we
should have left a long time ago. It's a connection
between constantly giving and feeling completely empty in this thing. Again,
(17:17):
it's easy to gauge no matter what it is, romantic career,
whatever that is, do you feel empty in it? Like?
Are you showing up every day and you hate? And again,
I feel like I have to just give some little
prefaces here because sometimes we'll say stuff like, ah, I
have work and I hate work, And sometimes you really
just isn't giving to you. It isn't purposeful for you.
(17:39):
It's just just work. You have to show up for work,
and that's you know, that's a problem and things to
addressed and think about. But sometimes it's also us, right,
It's how we approach things, it's how we see things.
There's people that are begging for the job that you have.
They are begging for your problems, and we lose sight
of that because we've become so used to just the circle,
(18:01):
the cycle that we're in, that it just doesn't feel
good to us to continue there because again, you're so
used to it, like there is nothing that will make
you feel more afraid or missing the thing then potentially
no longer having it. I know for a lot of
people that I know personally that if they complain often
(18:21):
about their jobs, but it's because they're so used to
the complaining portion of it that it's just something that
goes with the workflow. But the moment, if if they
had to lose that, the moment that's gone, they would
absolutely miss it. So is it the thing is actually
draining you or is it just that you have been
conditioned to have this mindset where so you're just gonna complain,
(18:43):
complain about everything, one of those things that we need
to be able to address and if it's not life given,
if it's the latter, right, then it's outside of who
you are and you're always going to feel a way.
You will feel drained in a thing that wasn't meant
for you to keep. You always feel like, oh this sucks,
my life is horrible, My life is terrible because you
(19:03):
are doing something that is outside of what you were
meant to be doing. And I know it's easy to
say sometimes we all got bills, we all have things
we have to come up with, but we also have
we live in a time where we have the luxury
and the ability to build things on the side. And again,
again I'm speaking from experience, Like I'm not just say
(19:24):
I just shared how hard my schedule is, how hard
my life is, how hard. There's so many things happening around.
But it's impossible for me to look at this and
not feel joyful. Like I don't look at these things
and say, oh, man, like this is horrible, Like it
is like I acknowledged it, right. I I had a
moment where allowed myself to feel and to unpack and
to sit with it. But then after that we're back,
We're business as usual. Why because I'm not concerned about
(19:48):
the negative outcomes. I'm concerned about me creating the positive.
I'm concerned about what am I going to do next.
I'm more driven by the desire to succeed than I
am by the fear of failure. If you stay stuck there,
that's the thing you will feed. And when we feed
our failure, we feed that fear. It becomes the center
point of everything. And we'll talk about the rest of
(20:12):
this after this real quick commercial break. So our last
two points here before we wrap this episode up is
how to start setting boundaries without guilt or explanation. That's
a big one. I think that is the most powerful
thing you will ever do in your life. Have firm
boundaries and not need to explain yourself, not need to
tell somebody, oh, well, this is why I feel this.
(20:33):
Where was no just flat out boundaries and be firm
on them. And we struggle with this because we still
want people to like us, we still want to please them.
We still want them to feel like we're this good
person and we're this, and we're that. I don't care
what you think about me. I think you need to
learn to be okay with being the bad person in
someone's story, being the villain, being the character. I don't
care what your opinion is about me, if it's going
(20:55):
to affect who I am as a person. We should
not be afraid to be firm on what we need
and how we feel and not need to justify that.
You don't need to justify to somebody why you don't
want to show up to their thing. You don't need
to justify to them why you don't feel like you're
this or that involved in that situation. We don't need
to explain ourselves now. I want to be clear that
(21:15):
there should be parameters to that right. Sometimes there are
certain things that you're just being a crappy person. That's different.
You just don't want to help anyone, or love anyone,
or carry one. I'm not saying don't do those things.
I'm saying that you need to be clear that you
are not meant to be walked over, That you don't
have to please everyone by showing up when they need
you or desire you to be there. You don't need
to sit here and be a stepping stool for somebody
(21:38):
else to get up and do something that they don't
even care if you're there. Being firmed and creating these
boundaries doesn't mean that you don't love people. It just
means that you learn to love you, that you stop
saying yes to everything and devalue yes. At some point
we'll have to shift this mindset, this thought that we
(22:01):
need to tell everybody everything, that we need to feel
guilty for not saying yes to what they want. From us.
It's not your job. You your job is literally not
to do what they need. That's not your job. Your
job is to do what you need to grow, how
you need to grow, to change it, to be better,
how you need to be better. Yes again, I'll echo it.
(22:22):
Love people, care for people, but don't feel like it's
your obligation, your duty, your job to do things for them.
They're just unnecessary. At some faction in our life, we've
been made to feel like that the only way we're
valuable or good or useful is if we produce something
(22:44):
for someone else. You can say no. The most powerful
sentence that you will ever speak is just saying no,
I'm not going to show up there. I'm not going
to do these things. I'm not going to respond how
you need me to respond just so you can feel
better about yourself. I'm not going to make my self
less so that you can feel greater. You should be
able to say no and not feel guilty about it.
(23:06):
That will be the most growth that you will ever
see in you, because it allows you to love you deeper.
Create these boundaries and stop people pleasing. Stop allowing people
to dictate how you act or react based on what
they think it should look like. And our final point
here is if what it really means to show up
(23:27):
authentically for yourself and others? And I think it's interesting
there because if we are authentically us, that will rub
the wrong people the wrong way. Like, if you are
authentically who you are, who you want to be, your
firm with your boundaries, you just are joyful than you
you're grateful for who you are. If you are that person,
the people that benefited from the use they had over
(23:49):
you will hate you. They will say that you change.
You will say that you're this, They say you're that
that you think you're better. You know what? Yes you
are better? What now? Yes you have it more together now?
Yes your life is good? What now? We need to
stop allowing people to not make, not allow us to
make to feel like we are doing good, that we're happy,
(24:09):
that we're joyful. I've encountered that myself in my life.
I've had people who and I mentioned this in different episodes,
but I think it's relevant when we understand about people
pleasing that I've had people in my life who have
been in these quiet competitions with me that I've just
never was aware of because my mindset is never me
against you. My mindset is olways us. How can we improve?
How how do I love people around me more? How
(24:31):
do I show up more? How do I cheer for me?
And this was the biggest problem when I began to
cheer for me because I've been doing things that I'm
so grateful for. Like I've mentioned, they had a problem
with it, and that echoes loudly. The people that will
never cheer for you publicly are always the people that
criticize you privately. They're always going to be the ones
that had a lot to say. You'll never see the
(24:54):
applause from them. No matter what you do. You could
have cured cancer for all that matters, and they you
will never say that you did something great. And that's
a dumb issue. That's not a U issue. That's their
own ego, that's their own pride, that's their own insecurities.
If we're being real, if they are in a secret
competition with you and that you're not aware of, and
you start doing well in life, they are going to
(25:15):
be very mad because it means that they're they didn't
improve on them. And especially if you're in the mindset
of just loving people and caring for the people around you.
It's almost going to feel like a slight to them
because they're gonna think, well, what are you doing? Like
what we're supposed to be frenemies. Those are the worst
people you will ever have around you. And when you
(25:37):
show up authentically, when you stop saying yes to everything
and everyone, when you stop explaining yourself, when you are
just not pouring into people that aren't putting back into you,
it will always hurt the people that won when you didn't.
The greatest thing you will ever do is stop people
(25:59):
pleasing because it stems into so many places of your life.
It just roots out and it kind of just changes
the things around you. At some point in time, we
have to learn that the only way we can actually
love people, it's the first love ourselves. It's the whole
(26:22):
airplane crashing thing, right that if the plane is going down,
that you need to be able to put your mask
on yourself first before you can do it for anyone else.
Or you need to be able to be able to
breathe and just be present to help them. And you
can't do that if you're panicking and flaring your arms
and just suffocating because you didn't put on your mask.
(26:44):
People pleasing would tell us that we need to go
and put on everyone else's mask before we put on
our own. You will never help those people. You'll never
love fully into the people that need to be loved
by you if you don't have your mask on. It's
okay to say no. It's okay to not tell them
why you said no. It's okay to have a boundary
(27:05):
and a voider and create these things and not allow
people over the sides that they shouldn't be on, or
to pass through these things they shouldn't be on, and
love yourself deeply without needing to explain it to everyone else.
So again, as I mentioned, I'll be mentioning for the
next couple of episodes, which is like what like three
so my god, I don't know. I'll mention as we
(27:27):
go along. Some things will change and if you made
it this long, first of all, thank you for listening
to this podcast. Thank you for the support, thank you
just for your presence and who you are. I will
be announcing this and hopefully I'll have more concrete timeline,
but obviously my website made more motivated dot com That's
where I'm going to have a lot of bigger announcements
(27:49):
and questions for people to ask and thanks for us
to dive into. And obviously the social media stuff which
is underscore Joshua Rosa, which is likely where you probably
found this podcast episode from. But I'm going to be
sharing more of that stuff there, or more of what's
happening and more of life, and hopefully things just get
resolved and we're able to move on to the next
things here within the same sphere of what we're doing.
(28:13):
But if not such as life, you know, I think
that's like the cart quote. Also such as life, which
is something I've been saying for such a long time,
put on a shirt or something, but such as life.
Life will be life, and we will adapt or will
be crushed by what we don't adapt to. And I'm
looking forward to these next couple of episodes because I'm
going to be a little deeper obviously with my own
(28:33):
stuff and the things that we have to share. I'm
still going to try to answer the questions that people
send in and this is the again, the birth of
most of these episodes are from conversations or questions that
people have asked, So I'm still going to try to
incorporate those things like I did today very kind of incorporated.
I think that was all right, But I do want
to share what's happening. I mean, I've mentioned before the
book that I'm working on and all these great things,
(28:54):
all these things that are going to hopefully bring fruit
to other people. But I think it's important before we
say goodbye here that we understand that we will only
be limited by what we allow to limit us. And
I don't mean that to be like some super deep
quote that uh it's like philosophy, rich and all these things,
(29:16):
but I mean that like tangibly, like physically, like you
will only be stopped by what you allow to stop you. If,
for example, me, if this was what's going to stop me,
I've allowed that, or it's going to be another just
boost and everything else said I'm doing because I've had
the experience to do these type of things. So you'll
only be stopped by what you allowed to stop you.
(29:37):
Thank you again for listening to this episode, Thank you
for your presence. Think you just just for the continued
support and everything. Might be a few of us, but
I'm grateful for every class one of you. And we'll
catch you on the next episode. Take care,
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