April 30, 2026 • 12 mins
This week we’re back for another session of “Ask Dr. Joy, our exclusive Patreon segment where I answer questions submitted by our community members. Today, we’re talking about the journey of getting back to yourself. If you’ve ever wondered, “Who am I when I’m not performing?” If you’re learning to trust your voice, reclaiming your worth, or finally choosing you after years of everything from caretaking to code-switching, you’ll want to check it out.
About the Podcast
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, Doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four sixty of the Therapy
for podcast. We'll get right into our conversation after word
from our sponsors. This week, we're back with another episode
of Ask Doctor Joy. Ask Doctor Joy is our exclusive
(01:20):
Patreon segment where I answer questions submitted by our community members,
and today we're talking about the journey of getting back
to yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
If you've ever wondered who am I when I'm not performing,
If you're learning to trust your boys, reclaiming your worth,
or finally choosing you after years of everything from caretaking
to code switching, you'll want to keep listening. We're talking
about trusting your own voice, learning to separate that from
the noise of the world, and making space for communities
that truly see you. If you've ever felt invisible in
(01:52):
places that you once felt freedom in, we'll explore what
it means to grieve that and reconnect with your joy
wherever you are. This is your reminder that you're allowed
to choose yourself. If something resonates with you while enjoying
this episode, please share with us on social media using
the hashtag TVG in Session, or join us over in
(02:13):
our patreons to talk more about the episode. You can
join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
Let's get into it. Hey, y'all, welcome back to another
episode of Ask Doctor Joy. This is the segment where
I am answering the questions that you have submitted. So
(02:34):
if you have questions about relationships, dating, friendship, career, whatever
is on your mind, please send them into us at
the form that you'll find in the comment section. So
today's questions are a lot about self worth, kind of
showing up as your authentic self, that kind of genre.
So here's the first question. Hi, I wanted to start
(02:56):
off saying that I love this and appreciate all that
you all do for the community. You're very welcome, It's
our honor. My question pertains to showing up authentically and honestly.
As I navigate through life, I seem to always care
what other people think, and it often stops me from
speaking up, setting boundaries, are making choices that truly feel
right for me. How can I work on releasing the
(03:19):
need for external validation and feel more confident showing up
as my full, authentic self. So I feel like this
is one of those instances where the more you do it,
the better you get at it, not necessarily the easier
it is, although at some point it may become easier.
But I do think the more that you practice being
(03:39):
in tune with your own voice, with your own desires,
your own needs, the more clear it becomes, and the
more comfortable you get in that space and the idea
of letting go of this need for external validation. I
don't know that there's anybody who really doesn't appreciate external validation. Right.
(04:00):
It feels good to be affirmed. It feels good for
people to give us kudos and give us positive affirmations
and words of encouragement. So I don't know that you
need to completely move away from external validation, but I
do think that it is important for your voice, your
internal voice, to be louder than any validation or any
(04:20):
voice that comes from outside of yourself. So you know,
I don't want you working on the wrong thing. So
it's not about not ever seeking or appreciating validation. It
really is more about how is my voice the strongest, right, Like,
no matter what other people say, this is the voice
that really really matters. And so again I think that
that is just something that kind of comes with continuing
(04:42):
to do things and also making sure that you are
putting yourself in environments where your authentic self is actually appreciated, right,
Because I think a lot of times, as black women,
we find ourselves in situations where our authenticity is not appreciated. Right.
Sometimes we are in word spaces or in social spaces
kind of by force, right, like if it's a workplace
(05:05):
or you know, some kind of situation where you have
to be. We find ourselves in faces where who we
are authentically is not actually appreciated or affirmed. And so
is it that you have trouble being in tune with
your like true self or is it that your true
self is not appreciated and affirmed because you found yourself
in maybe oppressive situations. And again, sometimes that has to
(05:28):
happen at least for some time, you know, if it's
a workspace or some other place where you have to be.
But also make sure that you are very clear that
this is not about me not being enough or me
being too something enough or not something else enough. It
is more about the environment, right, because that can become
our own messaging, that can become our own voice. We
(05:49):
can get confused about what's actually happening if we are
not clear that, yes, the situation is not affirming who
I am, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong
with me. Something else that you may want to look
at is kind of assessing your environments. Are you actually
putting yourself and finding yourself in an environments that affirm
who you are, because that can make it more difficult
(06:10):
if you are, you know, in situations where you're not
actually being affirmed for who you are. But again, I
think a lot of this comes with just you hear
the saying, kind of using your voice even when it's
soft or even if it cracks right like again just
practicing that muscle. It is often like a muscle that
you just have to build up so that you get
again a little bit more comfortable with it. It may
(06:31):
never be completely easy, it may never be kind of
second nature to you, but it is something that the
more that you do it, the stronger that you become. There.
Thank you so much for your question. The second question is,
as a black woman in my late fifties, I often
feel invisible in spaces that once celebrated my presence. I'm
(06:51):
learning not to tie my word to how useful I
am to others, but it's hard. How do I reclaim
my sense of value and identity in this new season
of life? Thank you so much for this question. So
there's something about this question that feels like freedom to me. Rightly,
this idea that you have outgrown or you know, spaces
(07:12):
that used to really affirm you, you feel like they're
not doing that anymore. And there's something about that that
really feels like an opportunity for you to find spaces
that actually will be affirming and celebratory of you. Right So,
there's just leaving this stuff in the past and really
embarking on a new journey. And that's not to say
that they may now be a sense of grief with
(07:34):
kind of moving past spaces where you were celebrated, right,
especially if there are something that have been a part
of your life for a very long time. And it
also feels like there is face to really embrace what
this next stage of your life looks like. And so
I think looking for communities where your interests are celebrated, right,
(07:55):
whether that means finding other sisters your age, whether that
means looking into new interests that you're interested in exploring,
Like what kinds of things are you now interested in doing?
Maybe there are things that you have kind of put
on the back burger for some time that now you
will have more space to actually explore. So it does
feel like this is a huge opportunity, honestly for you
(08:18):
to step into new kinds of interest, to find new
circles that will affirm you, new spaces where you will
be celebrated, so that there could be even better on
the horizon than maybe what you're leaving behind. But I
would love to hear how this goes right into what
kinds of new spaces you find yourself in. So please
keep us posted if you'd like to with what happens
(08:39):
next in this new phase of your life. Thank you
so much for this question. Our next question is I've
spent so many years being what others needed me to
be at work, in family and friendships. Now that I'm
older and craving more freedom to just be, I'm realizing
I don't always know who that version of me is.
(09:00):
How do I start reconnecting with myself after years of
putting me on the back burner. So this question feels
very similar to the previous question in that it's a
new phase of life maybe and now an attempt to
reconnect with who I am. And I think a lot
of times it could be helpful to go back to
who you were as a little person. Right, So, what
(09:21):
were some of the interest you had as a child,
whether that was drawing, singing, or acting, or was there
something that felt very natural and like joyful to you
as a child that you have lost connection with That
can be a great indicator as to something that would
still bring you joy, right, Like, I think there's something
about childhood and like not a lot of pressure necessarily
(09:44):
to do a thing that really allows us to explore
our curiosity. And of course, as we get older, we
lose touch with that, and so the opportunity to reconnect
with that could be something that could be really interesting
to you right now. I also am picking up on
the words that you're using. I've spent so many years
being what others needed me to be. At work, a
lot of times we can begin to confuse I think,
(10:08):
who we are with what we do for other people,
and again get confused about like that being the only
worth that we have is in our utility to others.
But there's utility, there is worth. You always hear me
saying there's worth in just who you are, simply because
you exist. And so I think that again, this is
an opportunity for you to really explore what kinds of
(10:28):
things to really do excite you. Is there some travel
that you want to do, Is there a new hobby
that you want to explore? What kinds of things would
you do if there were no other pressures, Because it
sounds like you are moving into a phase of your
life where there are less pressures, or you're wanting there
to be less pressure, right, wanting there to be less
expectations on your time. You're energying your resources, and really,
(10:51):
just what do I want to do, and so that
made trying out a lot of different things. You know,
so community colleges or local colleges and universities will often
have of these extension learning kinds of programs where you
can take a photography class, or if you're interested in
bird watching, or if you want to join an adult
kickball league, like what kinds of things would you be
(11:11):
interested in? And just trying a whole bunch of things
until you see what really sticks. But it does feel
like this is a great opportunity for you to have
some fun, for you to really pour into yourself after
so many years of just pouring into other people. So again,
I would love to hear what kinds of new things
that you're trying and as you explore this new phase
(11:32):
of your life. Thank you so much for this question.
And if you have questions about career, about expanding into
a new stage of your life, about relationships friendships, please
send those to us. You can find those form in
the comments section below. Again, thank y'all so much for
sending in your questions and I do hope that this
has been helpful. Until next time, take good care of yourself.
(11:57):
I'm so grateful you could sit with me for today's episode,
and I hope we connected with you wherever you are
in your journey. If you have a question you'd like
me to answer and you want to submit it for
Ask Doctor Joy, join us Old Brandon Patreon at community
d Therapy for Blackgirls dot com to share it and
don't forget to text us episodes. It's two of your
girls right now and tell them to check it out.
(12:19):
If you're looking for a therapist in your area, visit
our therapist directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory.
Don't forget to follow us over on Instagram at Therapy
for Black Girls. This episode was produced by Elisee Ellis
Indechibu and Tyree Brush. Editing was done by Dennis and Brandford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
(12:40):
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care,
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, Doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four sixty of the Therapy
for podcast. We'll get right into our conversation after word
from our sponsors. This week, we're back with another episode
of Ask Doctor Joy. Ask Doctor Joy is our exclusive
(01:20):
Patreon segment where I answer questions submitted by our community members,
and today we're talking about the journey of getting back
to yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
If you've ever wondered who am I when I'm not performing,
If you're learning to trust your boys, reclaiming your worth,
or finally choosing you after years of everything from caretaking
to code switching, you'll want to keep listening. We're talking
about trusting your own voice, learning to separate that from
the noise of the world, and making space for communities
that truly see you. If you've ever felt invisible in
(01:52):
places that you once felt freedom in, we'll explore what
it means to grieve that and reconnect with your joy
wherever you are. This is your reminder that you're allowed
to choose yourself. If something resonates with you while enjoying
this episode, please share with us on social media using
the hashtag TVG in Session, or join us over in
(02:13):
our patreons to talk more about the episode. You can
join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
Let's get into it. Hey, y'all, welcome back to another
episode of Ask Doctor Joy. This is the segment where
I am answering the questions that you have submitted. So
(02:34):
if you have questions about relationships, dating, friendship, career, whatever
is on your mind, please send them into us at
the form that you'll find in the comment section. So
today's questions are a lot about self worth, kind of
showing up as your authentic self, that kind of genre.
So here's the first question. Hi, I wanted to start
(02:56):
off saying that I love this and appreciate all that
you all do for the community. You're very welcome, It's
our honor. My question pertains to showing up authentically and honestly.
As I navigate through life, I seem to always care
what other people think, and it often stops me from
speaking up, setting boundaries, are making choices that truly feel
right for me. How can I work on releasing the
(03:19):
need for external validation and feel more confident showing up
as my full, authentic self. So I feel like this
is one of those instances where the more you do it,
the better you get at it, not necessarily the easier
it is, although at some point it may become easier.
But I do think the more that you practice being
(03:39):
in tune with your own voice, with your own desires,
your own needs, the more clear it becomes, and the
more comfortable you get in that space and the idea
of letting go of this need for external validation. I
don't know that there's anybody who really doesn't appreciate external validation. Right.
(04:00):
It feels good to be affirmed. It feels good for
people to give us kudos and give us positive affirmations
and words of encouragement. So I don't know that you
need to completely move away from external validation, but I
do think that it is important for your voice, your
internal voice, to be louder than any validation or any
(04:20):
voice that comes from outside of yourself. So you know,
I don't want you working on the wrong thing. So
it's not about not ever seeking or appreciating validation. It
really is more about how is my voice the strongest, right, Like,
no matter what other people say, this is the voice
that really really matters. And so again I think that
that is just something that kind of comes with continuing
(04:42):
to do things and also making sure that you are
putting yourself in environments where your authentic self is actually appreciated, right,
Because I think a lot of times, as black women,
we find ourselves in situations where our authenticity is not appreciated. Right.
Sometimes we are in word spaces or in social spaces
kind of by force, right, like if it's a workplace
(05:05):
or you know, some kind of situation where you have
to be. We find ourselves in faces where who we
are authentically is not actually appreciated or affirmed. And so
is it that you have trouble being in tune with
your like true self or is it that your true
self is not appreciated and affirmed because you found yourself
in maybe oppressive situations. And again, sometimes that has to
(05:28):
happen at least for some time, you know, if it's
a workspace or some other place where you have to be.
But also make sure that you are very clear that
this is not about me not being enough or me
being too something enough or not something else enough. It
is more about the environment, right, because that can become
our own messaging, that can become our own voice. We
(05:49):
can get confused about what's actually happening if we are
not clear that, yes, the situation is not affirming who
I am, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong
with me. Something else that you may want to look
at is kind of assessing your environments. Are you actually
putting yourself and finding yourself in an environments that affirm
who you are, because that can make it more difficult
(06:10):
if you are, you know, in situations where you're not
actually being affirmed for who you are. But again, I
think a lot of this comes with just you hear
the saying, kind of using your voice even when it's
soft or even if it cracks right like again just
practicing that muscle. It is often like a muscle that
you just have to build up so that you get
again a little bit more comfortable with it. It may
(06:31):
never be completely easy, it may never be kind of
second nature to you, but it is something that the
more that you do it, the stronger that you become. There.
Thank you so much for your question. The second question is,
as a black woman in my late fifties, I often
feel invisible in spaces that once celebrated my presence. I'm
(06:51):
learning not to tie my word to how useful I
am to others, but it's hard. How do I reclaim
my sense of value and identity in this new season
of life? Thank you so much for this question. So
there's something about this question that feels like freedom to me. Rightly,
this idea that you have outgrown or you know, spaces
(07:12):
that used to really affirm you, you feel like they're
not doing that anymore. And there's something about that that
really feels like an opportunity for you to find spaces
that actually will be affirming and celebratory of you. Right So,
there's just leaving this stuff in the past and really
embarking on a new journey. And that's not to say
that they may now be a sense of grief with
(07:34):
kind of moving past spaces where you were celebrated, right,
especially if there are something that have been a part
of your life for a very long time. And it
also feels like there is face to really embrace what
this next stage of your life looks like. And so
I think looking for communities where your interests are celebrated, right,
(07:55):
whether that means finding other sisters your age, whether that
means looking into new interests that you're interested in exploring,
Like what kinds of things are you now interested in doing?
Maybe there are things that you have kind of put
on the back burger for some time that now you
will have more space to actually explore. So it does
feel like this is a huge opportunity, honestly for you
(08:18):
to step into new kinds of interest, to find new
circles that will affirm you, new spaces where you will
be celebrated, so that there could be even better on
the horizon than maybe what you're leaving behind. But I
would love to hear how this goes right into what
kinds of new spaces you find yourself in. So please
keep us posted if you'd like to with what happens
(08:39):
next in this new phase of your life. Thank you
so much for this question. Our next question is I've
spent so many years being what others needed me to
be at work, in family and friendships. Now that I'm
older and craving more freedom to just be, I'm realizing
I don't always know who that version of me is.
(09:00):
How do I start reconnecting with myself after years of
putting me on the back burner. So this question feels
very similar to the previous question in that it's a
new phase of life maybe and now an attempt to
reconnect with who I am. And I think a lot
of times it could be helpful to go back to
who you were as a little person. Right, So, what
(09:21):
were some of the interest you had as a child,
whether that was drawing, singing, or acting, or was there
something that felt very natural and like joyful to you
as a child that you have lost connection with That
can be a great indicator as to something that would
still bring you joy, right, Like, I think there's something
about childhood and like not a lot of pressure necessarily
(09:44):
to do a thing that really allows us to explore
our curiosity. And of course, as we get older, we
lose touch with that, and so the opportunity to reconnect
with that could be something that could be really interesting
to you right now. I also am picking up on
the words that you're using. I've spent so many years
being what others needed me to be. At work, a
lot of times we can begin to confuse I think,
(10:08):
who we are with what we do for other people,
and again get confused about like that being the only
worth that we have is in our utility to others.
But there's utility, there is worth. You always hear me
saying there's worth in just who you are, simply because
you exist. And so I think that again, this is
an opportunity for you to really explore what kinds of
(10:28):
things to really do excite you. Is there some travel
that you want to do, Is there a new hobby
that you want to explore? What kinds of things would
you do if there were no other pressures, Because it
sounds like you are moving into a phase of your
life where there are less pressures, or you're wanting there
to be less pressure, right, wanting there to be less
expectations on your time. You're energying your resources, and really,
(10:51):
just what do I want to do, and so that
made trying out a lot of different things. You know,
so community colleges or local colleges and universities will often
have of these extension learning kinds of programs where you
can take a photography class, or if you're interested in
bird watching, or if you want to join an adult
kickball league, like what kinds of things would you be
(11:11):
interested in? And just trying a whole bunch of things
until you see what really sticks. But it does feel
like this is a great opportunity for you to have
some fun, for you to really pour into yourself after
so many years of just pouring into other people. So again,
I would love to hear what kinds of new things
that you're trying and as you explore this new phase
(11:32):
of your life. Thank you so much for this question.
And if you have questions about career, about expanding into
a new stage of your life, about relationships friendships, please
send those to us. You can find those form in
the comments section below. Again, thank y'all so much for
sending in your questions and I do hope that this
has been helpful. Until next time, take good care of yourself.
(11:57):
I'm so grateful you could sit with me for today's episode,
and I hope we connected with you wherever you are
in your journey. If you have a question you'd like
me to answer and you want to submit it for
Ask Doctor Joy, join us Old Brandon Patreon at community
d Therapy for Blackgirls dot com to share it and
don't forget to text us episodes. It's two of your
girls right now and tell them to check it out.
(12:19):
If you're looking for a therapist in your area, visit
our therapist directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory.
Don't forget to follow us over on Instagram at Therapy
for Black Girls. This episode was produced by Elisee Ellis
Indechibu and Tyree Brush. Editing was done by Dennis and Brandford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
(12:40):
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care,
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