Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Memphis probably presents the Ben Johnson Show.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say bath first, Let make you say. She's
done campist gain.
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No matter of the problem, she can have.
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So all the phone and the normans on your mind.
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She understand Jimmy d in the hair by charming you
to just keep the.
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Thing when arang pegging out them Johnson Show, because well, I've.
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Got nothing.
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You can hear every day, I ain't good.
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My bell got me a missing.
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Good morning, good morning, good morning, and welcome into w
d i A The BEB Johnson Show.
Speaker 7 (01:55):
I'm bad.
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It is indeed a pleasure to have you with us
once again on this Friday, Friday, July eighteenth, twenty twenty five.
Enjoyed this fababulous day to day. It is relationship Day
for our first time listeners. You may be a first
(02:16):
time caller. We talk about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,
and most of our loving between consenting adults. We will
do that this day with our expert behavioral and relationship consultant,
doctor Dorothy Jeffries. We'll be talking with us this day.
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When it's your turn to talk, you know you can.
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(03:35):
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Yeah, Happy birthday, sister. Happy birthday, sister.
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Yeah, nieces and if you all who love you?
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Happy birthday, y'all go out and celebrate your life.
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You better, you better.
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When we come back, I'll share some wd I a
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D I A.
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Hi, this is David Porter, and you are listening to
the Queen of Talk, Bev Johnson.
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She is the one and only. No one can top her,
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Your Mind.
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Tom, I telling you to ask you for freund bed enough.
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Misving so because God, Yes, Good morning, and welcome back
to wd i A the Heart and Soul of Memphis.
It's relationship Day on this Friday, July eighteenth, twenty twenty five,
(06:42):
and we talk about relationships so that we can help
you have a happy, wholesome, wonderful and most of all
loving between consenting adults. We've been doing that for thirty
eighty years now and hope you're getting getting some help.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Oh you had some help, but it's good. We do
that with our.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Expert, our behavioral and relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Good morning,
Doctor Jeffries.
Speaker 8 (07:11):
How are you.
Speaker 9 (07:13):
There, mourning Miss Beverly. I am well and happy today.
Good day, good, it is.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
A good day. It is a good day, doctor Jeffery.
I'm feeling well myself today.
Speaker 10 (07:25):
It is no complaints, no complaints.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
As to no complaints. Well, I love this morning.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
And let me say this before before we get started.
I hope this day that Doctor Jeffries, we get some
women to call in.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Some sisters. Come on, sisters.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
I know you all, we know you all, sit back
and listen. But I hope some some some women call in.
And we know the guys are gonna call in, but
we hope you to call in. And let me give
you those numbers if you don't have it nine zero one,
five three five, nine three four two eight hundred five
zero three nine three four two eight three three five
(08:05):
three five nine three four two will.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Get you een to me, or you can email me.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
You have a question for doctor Jeffries, email me at
BEB Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. BEB Johnson at iHeartMedia
dot com and we will answer your question. And this morning,
Doctor Jeffries, I love the topic cereal cheaters. Cereal cheaters.
(08:33):
We want to talk about cereal cheaters. Wow, wow, And
I I guess the question that I have for you first,
the first question, why.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Do people cheat? Why do people cheat? And why do
people tolerate?
Speaker 9 (08:56):
The cheating's fort excellent questions is because we have to
start with why the two people that decide to participate
in such a relationships. I think the very first thing
that comes to mind is that usually people who cheat
(09:19):
are dealing with some form of low self esteem. And
the reason why we say is low self esteems is
because there is that part of them that has a
script that says, I'm unlovable or I'm unworthy.
Speaker 10 (09:37):
I am not desirable enough.
Speaker 9 (09:39):
For someone to fully commit to me. So I'm going
to take control of my feelings and I will either
go outside of the relationship or I will deal with
somebody who is just as unhealthy, who has low self
esteem and who feels unworthy, in which I can then
(10:01):
either be the one who tolerates or the one who cheats,
but both dynamics will ensure that there is drama, that
there is intentional pain, that the other person will be
subjected to, that they will engage in communication that involves
line denying and deceiving, and that they are validating those
(10:25):
negative perceptions of self. Now there are people who are saying, well,
I don't really call it cheating because you know, I'm
a grown person. I can make my own decisions, and
I'm dealing with another grown person, right And that's true.
So my question then would be, it's only cheating if
(10:46):
you have misled or convinced somebody else that you're committed
to them, Because if you're not committed to anybody else,
you're right. You're an adult and you can do what
you choose to. You can have as many people as
you want in your life. You can juggle as many
I won't call them relationships, but we'll call them liisons
(11:09):
or connections or however you want to view them. You will.
You can juggle all of those things, and that may
be a good time for you.
Speaker 10 (11:17):
But if you are a moral.
Speaker 9 (11:20):
Person and you are not a serial cheater, or you're
not intentionally being selfish and using your behavior to hurt
somebody else or to put somebody else at this who
may be hurt, you will always be upfront and outspoken
about where you stand with being with the other person
(11:45):
and making sure that that person hears you clearly. Yes, uh,
we're dating. Yes, I will call you and you can
call me. And the things we like, enjoyed and enjoy
doing together, we may even have sex. But I just
want you to understand I am not at a place
(12:05):
or a point in my life where I want to
commit to one person and I am seeing other people
and I will continue to do so. Very few people
will do that. And when you do that, if somebody
else is saying, you know, oh, but I care so
much about you and I want to be with you
(12:27):
again based on your integrity, that is a person that
you would not choose to deal with because you know
that what their objection, what their objective is, is something
totally different than what you say. What you're saying your
objective is. Your objective is to go out and have
a good time and do what it is that at
(12:48):
will with whoever it is you choose. And people, many,
many people choose to selectively hear what it is that
they want to hear. They hear, yes we're dating, Yes,
I enjoy being with you. Yes, I want to spend
time with you, and they close out everything else. And
(13:09):
the script they insert is if I continue to do this,
I can make this person love me. I can make
this person just be with me. I can make this
person only want me and to ensure it. But that's
when you engage in the dynamics of jealousy, of monitoring
(13:30):
cell phones, of tracking each other, following people, confronting other people,
and just all kinds of things that creates chaos and
drama and very often leads to somebody getting hurt, either emotionally,
physically or however, people get hurt in that process. And
(13:51):
so we're talking about, Yes, grown folks do what they
want to do when they want to do, but they
assume accountability and response stability for that. Other people choose
to allow some people to dictate what they're exposed themselves
to and to continually intentionally hurt them, misuse them, disrespect them,
(14:15):
and they tolerate it because of the very same reasons
that that other person may be choosing to cheat, you know,
in a deceptive way as well. So negative finding negative,
you cannot have positive out of that.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
I want to go back to something you said, doctor
Jeffers in the beginning. You said people cheat it could
be because of low self esteem.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Well, I'm I kind of struggling with that.
Speaker 5 (14:44):
Will well cheatahs Usually they go out and get this
further so they they would have some kind of low
self esteem.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
They don't, so they're not thinking about themselves or help
me with that.
Speaker 9 (14:58):
You know, people with low self estee, you ain't mastered
in so many different ways. Because you may be a
beautiful person, very handsome person. You may have, you know,
an opportunity driven life, you know, as from a job,
all of the finery, the materialistic things and what have you.
(15:19):
But nobody but you fully understand what your course self says.
You may have all those people out there who would
love to be with you, but when it's just you alone,
then who visits your faults? What voices do you hear
when you think about how you should see yourself as
(15:41):
a person or how you feel about yourself as a person.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
You know, what.
Speaker 9 (15:45):
Messages have you internalized that said you be really really attractive,
if you lose some weight, you be really really attractive.
If you retaller, you'd be really really that if you
could get a little work done, you know, all of
those things, or if you didn't look like your father's people,
if you didn't look like your mother's people, or your behavior,
(16:08):
all those things that people can't see, sometimes carelessly, sometimes intentionally,
that young people or children hold onto and it becomes
the script that defines how they interact with other people
you in case. You see a lot of beautiful people
who are celebrities. They're out there in the public and
(16:31):
what have you. But what's the what is the behind
the scenes stuff that you read. You know, they use
drugs to a necessitize their feelings. They always have some
kind of entourage because they can't stand to be alone.
They don't value the way they look or their talent
or what have you, other than it gives them a
(16:53):
means to be out there. But it doesn't hit to
that coarse self that says you're good person. You know,
I love you, I care about you. You know we
can make a life together. That's not something that they
They are chasing it, but they're afraid to actually reach
(17:13):
out for it because they don't believe they can have that.
So they take they find substitutes. And one of the
biggest substitutes that people use is sex. If I can
have a sexual conquest, if I can dress my body
up and be sexually attractive their appeal and have I
use it, whether it's with the cars, whether it's with
(17:35):
the clothes, whether it's with my physical appearance or whatever
whatever lure, I can use that for that moment, I
can get a high on somebody trying to chase me
and wanting to be with me. But in my heart
of hearts, I know that it's not real, and it's
not long term, and there's no real substantive meaning to it.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Oh okay, that makes sense. That makes sense.
Speaker 5 (18:05):
I also want to go back and when we talk
about if you all just tune in, we're talking about
serial cheaters.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
When we put that of a doctor Jeffries, meaning that
they have a do it all the time, I mean, yeah.
Speaker 9 (18:25):
There's you know, they're psychologically prone to cheating, I think.
And I've had people you know, come in who talk
where whoever the person is, who is the serial cheater?
And we're saying serial cheating meaning that it's something that
has become habitually a part of their relationship life and
(18:50):
being married, short term, long term dating or what have you,
does not does not stop or create any kind of
barrier to the desire to become a serial cheater. But
what happens is is that they go through a process.
They go through a process of finding somebody that they're
(19:14):
attracted to or they feel the motivation to pursue. And
this is the interesting part. There are different types of
serial cheaters. Now they're the types that I described earlier,
the ones who say, I just want I just want
to spend the night, have a good time. We can
go out, we can party, and the next time you
feel like that or I feel like that, I can
(19:35):
ring you up. There's that type of person who's not
going to commit to anybody or anything. Then there's the
part of the person who has the appearance of a
very stable, reliable, everyday person. And they may be in
quote unquote a committed relationship, may have a very nice family,
(19:57):
been in a relationship, active in the church, the community.
You know, that kind of person. But the other side
of them, for whatever reasons that they give to themselves,
or my spouse is not exciting, or my spouse doesn't
look like the type of person who really turns me on,
(20:19):
or my spouse is this, you know, the same appearance
I have to the public. You know, I just an
everyday person. But in my vision, I want the scripter type,
or I want the guy who's up there, you know,
the dancer on the stage, or I want the roughneck,
or I want the gangster type. All of those kinds
(20:41):
of altered ego, kinds of people rather than playing those
out in fantasies. They may pursue that. And then you
have people who have insatiable levels of narcissism where they
constantly need somebody else to be in all of them.
So when they get bored with their everyday relationship of
(21:05):
what have you, it may be for a one night
or somebody that they pick up, or they may engage
themselves into long term extended relationships or affairs. The first
one of the first people that comes to mind is
common not common man.
Speaker 5 (21:24):
But I'm glad because we will saying she's talked about
common common.
Speaker 9 (21:30):
Right. He has a litany of women, very hot profile
women that he has had extended relationships with. And when
people look back at their relationships, see here's the type
of brother, and who refers to you as the sister
(21:52):
in the beginning. He's the type who as the South
spoken boys and talks about black people and being one
and you know, unity and all of that kind of stuff,
And who writes poetry about you or can sing to
you and what have you, and and I'm going to
(22:12):
uplift you, my sister, so you can be a better woman,
and what have you. And he must be very skilled
at getting the ear and attention of the woman that
he projects on. It's because it's not one particular type.
But if you notice, these are all very high profile women.
So what does he get in exchange for these pursuits
(22:37):
is that he gets the publicity as well. He's the
one who gets targeted and is talked about promising another
relationship where people are being speculating on when he's in one,
and who's going to be the next one, or we
know it's going to end, Just when is it going
(22:57):
to end?
Speaker 10 (22:58):
Or is this the one?
Speaker 9 (22:59):
You know, people get engaged into following that because it
appears glamorous, but we forget some of those people that
he's been with or is with believed him. Some of
those people in there were looking for stable, everyday relationships
of commitments. Some of those people may have gone seriously
(23:23):
damaged and may be still struggling with how to get
over or to heal from the damage of being that
publicly exposed with their vulnerabilities. But there are people out
there who are very very good at that. They use
every aspect of communication, from their words, from their touch,
(23:48):
from the way they approach you, from the conversations. All
of that and they are very apt at reading what
your emotional signals are. And so if I'm good at
reading what your emotional signals are, I can tell you
(24:10):
what it is that and I just meant you what
it is you're looking for, what it is that you need.
I know, sister, that you haven't met somebody who's truly
seen your value. I know you need somebody to care
for you because you're a black woman. You're struggling out
there by yourself. You know, I can see you and
appreciate your strength. You know you, And it goes on
(24:33):
and on, depending on how defined it is, or I
want to help you move your talent. You know, you're
this and all of that. And if your love star
for that, if your ego star for that, and if
that's your love language to hear somebody validate you, you
eat it up. You can't help it.
Speaker 11 (24:53):
You know.
Speaker 9 (24:54):
And then at the end of the day, you know,
then the shame comes back to visit you, and the
voice that was president in the first place said, I
told you you were not worded. I told you wasn't
no man or woman gonna really love you. That person
just used you. You were stupid. Now look at everybody
talking about you, you know, and then you've got to
(25:16):
go through that, whether people that you and thinking about
it or not, that's the voice inside of your head.
So the thing about serial cheaters is, and this is
why I labeled them as very selfish, what goes on
in their head has no accountability for the mess that
(25:37):
they leave behind when they move on. Because I promise
you every person who breaks up in an affair like that,
whether it's an affair or one night stand or not,
I left with some kind of damage because if it
was for a weekend or overnight, a month, six months,
(26:00):
when that person leaves, they don't do very good housekeeping.
They give They may give you the poetic oh it's
not you, it's me. I need to find myself, or
oh I'm so busy, and I just know you deserve
more time, and I don't want to be the person
who standing your way or not finding that right person,
(26:20):
you know whatever, or they ghost you. Either way, you're
left with a lot of questions and a lot of
emotional damage that reinforces the negativity that you initially brought
into that encounter.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
HM.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Okay, So.
Speaker 5 (26:40):
When we're talking about serial cheaters and and I love
the dynamics that you get you gave doctor Jeffries. Will
a serial cheater always be a serial cheater?
Speaker 9 (26:59):
It depends, you know. Like I said, serial cheaters do
not hold themselves accountable for what they do, you know,
especially those who say, well, let me tell you. You know,
you know, I'm not good at relationships, but I really
like you. I just like you know, I like to
have you as a friend. And if we get along
(27:21):
will they explain it away like that they're saying, you
get with what I'm telling you. I'm here to offer.
And then the ones who may have lied or misrepresented themselves,
when they're no longer interested in playing that, then they
come up with, well, you know, I just it's work,
(27:44):
or you know, I need some time to myself. You know,
I'm going through one of these things. You know, I
forgot to tell you I'm a moody person, becounc or
they just go and you're left to deal with that.
And we know when people of ghosts, they're left with
no answers. The first thing people who are ghost think
(28:06):
is what did I do wrong? What happened? That's after
they panic over something must have happened to the other person.
You know they're not responding. Did they get heard? What happened?
And after that there's some anger about it. But then
when the anger subsides, then it's the depression that comes
into play to say, again, the same thing that we
(28:28):
said before, you were stupid. You should have read that,
you should know better.
Speaker 8 (28:33):
Boy.
Speaker 9 (28:33):
Now you know you can't have that kind of relationship.
And there it goes. It's the same thing.
Speaker 5 (28:40):
Okay, we are talking this day. If you've just tuned in,
I love this topic. We're talking serial cheaters? Are you
and ask yourself the question or ask the question we're asked.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Why do people cheat?
Speaker 5 (28:57):
If you have a question or two doctor Jeffries, and
it can be any relationship question and also on serial cheaters.
We invite you now to call nine zero one five,
three five nine the three four two eight one hundred
five zero three nine three four two eight three three
(29:20):
five three five nine three four two will get you
in in to me, or you can email us your
question at Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson
at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
You're listening to the Bev Johnson Show.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
That's me on w D I A got something to
say say it. Next with Tennessee Radio Hall of Famer
Bev Johnson on w d IA, the Bev does.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Show working.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
You know, over the town, working hard to bring you
holadays now settling for.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Every days off the.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Monday.
Speaker 5 (30:49):
People's welcome back, tod I A. We are talking on
this relationship day. Our topic of conversation serial cheaters. We
are talking about that with our expert, our behavioral relationship consultant.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Before we get back to doctor Dorothy Jeffries, Doctor.
Speaker 5 (31:17):
Jeffries, I'm going to our phone lines, one of your
favorites on Forgetful.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Hi, Unforgetful, Hey, miss jo Justin.
Speaker 10 (31:27):
I ain't trying to start no trouble, but I don't
understand because look, I'm a single person.
Speaker 11 (31:34):
Now, if I was married, I thought it was for cheetah.
You know, if I was getting the gage, I thought
that was for cheatah. Well, I'm a single man, and
you mean to tell me I'm a cheetah because I
got it got it later on the side, I want
to ask doctor Justin's that because back in my day
they talk from jiggerlo oh.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Okay, okay, okay, that's the mess you want.
Speaker 10 (31:59):
To not looking to getting that rall you know, go
down here having a good time.
Speaker 8 (32:08):
My life.
Speaker 10 (32:10):
I mean, I use protection. I know who I'm flooding with,
but how can you call me a cheet?
Speaker 9 (32:16):
I remember that thing that was coming on to you.
Speaker 10 (32:18):
You're talking about cheating that movie or whatever.
Speaker 9 (32:21):
I couldn't understand that.
Speaker 10 (32:23):
I mean, I'm not out here to hurt anybody emotions.
But you know, if you can't deal with me, move on.
Because it happened to me and I saw you, I
would do the same. And thank you, doctor Jeffrey and
Beth Johnson, thank you.
Speaker 5 (32:37):
I'm forgetful. Before we go out, doct Jeffery, did you
hear I'm forgetful?
Speaker 9 (32:45):
David boy was very short and professional, but you know what, forgetful?
But I get exactly what he's saying.
Speaker 5 (32:54):
Well, let me you know it's interesting, doctor Jefferies, before
you continue that, I forget Well brought up that topic
because Marvin had sent an email and says, doctor Jeffries,
can can you be a serial killer if you're single?
And thank you Marvin. I mean, oh lord, have mercy.
I'm looking at too much fame attraction. Yeah, I'm sorry,
(33:23):
but Marvin, I messed it up. Let me say again,
Marvin says doctor Jeffries. Can you be a serial cheater
if you're single, Yes.
Speaker 9 (33:34):
You can. The person I use as an example is single.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 9 (33:41):
But my point that the two things un forgetful said,
I can't have a sad piece if you are grown
and doing what you want to do and being with
different women because you choose to. Why does one have
to be a sad piece unless you have failed to
(34:02):
disclose that you are seeing more than one person. Otherwise
you would just say I go out with different people.
I may be involved with different people. The fact that
you labeled it means there's a difference and the moment
that you would hold from one person because one relationship
(34:25):
holds more value to you for whatever reason than another.
Then you're cheating because everybody doesn't have full information and
can then fully consent to participate it. There are some
other partners out there who don't want to be with
one person. So if you're dealing with multiple people and
(34:48):
they don't want to deal with one person, that's a
good hook up, I think. Help Wise, it can get
a little scary and crazy, but some people like to
rise to diffence okay, and end up wherever you end up.
But my point is full disclosure, so that everybody knows
where they stand and what's at stake. Because the moment
(35:14):
that one person decides I'm not gonna use protection, then
the whole little crew is at risk. So there are
a lot of things that grown people, mature people, responsible
people need to put into place. So you know, there
(35:35):
are some people who say, well, I'll only date one
person at a time and then I fully disclose to
them where I'm coming from, and then if I get
tired of there, they'll move on. But they know where
I'm coming from. But my point is, just because somebody
agrees to hang on, you don't know what's going on
(35:55):
in that other person's mind, particularly if they also have
a one track mind and their goal is I can
change him or her, I can make them only want
to be with me. So there's a lot of risks,
but people like risks. It is exciting. You know, it
is dangerous, but it's exciting.
Speaker 5 (36:16):
It is Hold on, doctor, Jeffries, I am going back
to our phone alignes to talk with you.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Let me get these calls. Hi, w D I a
high caller.
Speaker 8 (36:28):
Hey that beautiful bell, Hey William, how are you doing
all right, and good day to doctor Jeffries. So this
is to certain people, especially me, and uh, this is
nail on the head, you know, and all that she's saying.
Another thing that I like to add is revenge stating
(36:52):
you you have your main one, like he said, you
got your side piece and you have your main one
that you are really thinking about marrying. But right now
you know you and what that what comes with that
is you're thinking about marrying. But most people did not
grow up in the house, uh with a you know,
mother and father, and so you who were married, and
(37:15):
so you really don't know how to do it. You've
seen it on TV, you've heard it, but you really
haven't experienced it, so you don't know it. So you're trying,
you're kind of subconsciously easing into getting married or should
I you know when?
Speaker 5 (37:30):
Where?
Speaker 8 (37:30):
How? I don't know, But I'm gonna just kind of
mess around with it until I kind of get a
feel and then I'll do it. But you don't know
when that will be. So, but in the meantime, the
woman is you know, already ready, and she get upset
one day that you out with the guys doing nothing,
stay out all night. She's upset, and so she some
(37:52):
somewhat like breakup. You know, your women get mad, they'll
break up. So you say, well, okay, then she gonna
be like that, fine, I'm going out this weekend. I'll
just get me another one. And that's what you do.
But then after a week she calms down, she calls back.
You still love her, You're not gonna leave her, and
what but what do you do with this one that
(38:13):
you got last weekend? And so that's the position you
end up in. And you and and you're a good guy.
You don't want to hurt the one that was second,
you know, the revenge date, and you see qualities in
her that maybe I can marry her, and so then
you get caught up. And then after some time, you
(38:36):
you you're you're stuck, and then you don't want to
hurt him, And so what do we do in that situation?
Revenge dated, you don't want to hurt the second one,
and but you have to move on. Thank you, beautiful
bel Thank you, William.
Speaker 5 (38:53):
Hold on, y'all, thank you, William. I'm going to doctor
Jeffries' eye. So doctor Jefferes, I'm going to try to
put it in the prospective because William is asking, I know,
revenge dating is that serial cheating.
Speaker 9 (39:08):
Well, thing revenge stating to me is that you're punishing
somebody who hurt you, and so you go out with
somebody else knowing that you want them to find out
that you went out with them with somebody else so
that they will be upset. And it doesn't you know,
(39:29):
revenge dating doesn't always necessarily involve sexual encounter. But what
William described, and that my question is if after one
weekend of being well, one week or whatever, the short
length of time that you're not with the person that
you have thoughts about marrying, who is it could run
(39:50):
in there and blow your mind to the point that
now she becomes the long time, long term second one.
So what the tell me is that you're not ready
to commit to either one, and the best that would
be is to be honest and truthful and just date,
just date until you are sure when you're ready to commit.
(40:15):
Men have this thing where they like to like to
think that they can compartmentalize their feelings. But let a
man become so engrossed or so obsessed with a woman,
I mean, he desires her, he wants her, he wants
(40:36):
her just for himself, and so maybe for the first
time where he's been so cool and undertased, now he
has feelings of insecurity. Now he has feelings of jealousy.
Just imagining somebody else being with her, or going out
or kissing somebody. We ain't even got to the business,
but kissing somebody else. He's losing his mind. And so
(40:58):
the behavior most men do is they play lockdown. I'm
gonna lock her down because, like he said, if he's
really gotten into the relationship with her, she's thinking that
he feels the same way I am. And so we're
moving towards commitment. Commitment means next stage engagement and being marriage.
(41:21):
But really what he's doing.
Speaker 10 (41:22):
Is playing lockdown.
Speaker 9 (41:24):
May I need lockdown her and she does now does
not have a clue that I'm not on the same
pace that she is, because I am gonna marry her
one day. That's my feelings right now. But over here,
I can still go out, hang out with my boys,
you know, whatever it is I want to do or
how I choose to work there. If there's somebody else
I'm interested, I may go out with them. I may
(41:47):
have sex with them, or I may call them up
and stay with them on the point. Whatever it is
that you want to do that makes you feel like
you're still out there, then you will do that. And
that's so because you've already told yourself I'm gonna marry
her one day. That is not a commitment to anybody.
(42:08):
That stelf protected behavior to keep you from feelings that
somebody else may come along and intervene, and she stinnes
something that she feels stronger about, But that's not a commitment.
You can't put people on hole until you're ready to
get to where they want to go. And what happens
(42:29):
if somebody else comes along They now look, Oh I
like this one better. I think I'm gonna move this
one up to stage one. Then the person that you've
had on lockdown is out in the cold. But people
do that because they're not at the point where they
(42:50):
truly want to talk about what commitment means, not even
during the dating process. What does that mean? Because some people,
the cheaters, the potential cheaters and the serial cheaters here, Oh,
you're gonna put me on lockdown. I've got to I
gotta walk this tight rope. I can't. I can't look
(43:13):
at nobody else. I can't all it is that they
keep coming up with I can't, I can't, And then
what will happen if you throw in an unplayed baby?
Then who's on lockdown now? So you need to learn
to play these scenarios out, not just the half the
ever after where the person is on lockdown that you
(43:35):
put on lockdown until you're ready, but play them all
out so that you have a sense of what possibutes,
because you can never predict what a human being will do.
The very person that you think would never ever step
out on you let somebody come along on one of
(43:55):
those times you think that y'all on arguments, so you're
gonna go out don't break. It's what the young people
call it, you all don't break, but not really on break.
And then she says, oh, this is what this is
who I think I want to be with. So we
have to start acting and talking like adults. And when
(44:17):
you're talking to somebody and you're thinking that you like
them enough that you want to consider commitment, talk to
each other about what that means, what the dues and
the don'ts are, What I can do, what I might
not be able to do is what I know right
now I can't do be honest about that. So that
(44:37):
as long as you're honest, totally honest with each other
about what you know, you're capable of doing, or what
you even want to do, then the other person is
responsible for whether they want to play with you and
stay with you or whether they say, uh, I'm gonna
go my separate way. But everybody deserves to make their
own well informed choice.
Speaker 5 (45:00):
Okay, sounds good. Hold on, doctor Jeffries. I'm going back
to our phone lines to talk with you.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
Hey, call her.
Speaker 12 (45:11):
Oh no, what's up, Clyde, ain't say it. I see
my sisters. Don't trying to start something.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
What you mean you're trying to start something.
Speaker 12 (45:21):
Because you know how my old ways? But I don't
cheat no more.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
Those were your so Clyde. You're saying you you were
a serial cheater.
Speaker 6 (45:32):
Yes, I showed.
Speaker 2 (45:34):
So let me ask this question. Why did you cheat? Clyde?
Speaker 12 (45:39):
I wanna tell you why I cheat?
Speaker 2 (45:41):
Okay?
Speaker 12 (45:43):
When I saw my dad crank because he caught my
mom ch and I never thought my mom would do
my dad like this, But my daddy was crank, and
my mama says she did.
Speaker 6 (45:57):
We call one.
Speaker 12 (45:58):
Good for the gambler.
Speaker 6 (45:59):
Good for the good mh.
Speaker 12 (46:01):
And from that day for I said I no oneman
gonna make me cry, and I said I didn't.
Speaker 10 (46:08):
I would cheet it.
Speaker 12 (46:08):
From then on, I kept I kept me three of
them because one was too close to zero. But I
learned that when you find this right, you'll give all
that up. And my big sister almost busted me out
one years when she said, my clan, what happened to
the girl that you was running behind the juice? Said
(46:29):
you really like? Well, that was the one that changed
my life with that death.
Speaker 10 (46:35):
Wow.
Speaker 12 (46:37):
So like I said, A cheat him here, you cheat
the one you find me right, he'll get a cheating
up because when I ran across her, I gave it
up there, Johnny, you gave it up.
Speaker 8 (46:48):
I gave it up.
Speaker 12 (46:49):
I ain't cheating no more.
Speaker 10 (46:51):
Wow.
Speaker 12 (46:51):
But that would make that what made me cheat when
I won, when I saw my dad a crying because
he talked my mama cheef y'all take care of Bill class.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Doctor Jefferys, I don't know what you're gonna do with
your little brother.
Speaker 9 (47:07):
Hey, and he's something else, but.
Speaker 5 (47:10):
But you know what I'm thinking about that, doctor Jefferson
And we're talking about serial cheaters. Could it be that
when maybe you saw your parents cheating us, that that
that it instilled in you or what.
Speaker 9 (47:25):
Well, bell you never have to see your parents cheat. Okay,
boys were raised that you know, most most boys or
many boys I should say, grew up where starting even
in high school or what have you. You know, they
had and rightfully so they dated multiple girls, but some
(47:51):
of the guys also had one special girl and the
dynamic would start along those lines. And what the girls
see that boys are suspicious and you can't trust them,
you know, And people would tell your parents would tell
you that. Let them say, I know how boys are
(48:13):
boys and men are, and this is why I stay
on you and I look at them, and I will
tell you who it is you can't go out with
because I can read them. I'm a man myself. And
your mother may say, you know, because she might have
experienced something where she was hurt by somebody. But there
was freedom for boys to do sexually and in relationships
(48:37):
whatever they wanted to do, and girls were put on
lockdown because everybody was worried about whether she would get pregnant,
and the pregnancy wasn't so much about what it would
do in terms of the girl. But it was the shame,
the shame that a you didn't raise a good girl.
(49:01):
The shame is the girl has had sex with somebody
and she wasn't even engaged or ready to graduate. And
the third thing is, now we got this baby, and
everybody knows, especially at church, you know. So everything that
was tied to the girl was in good and bad,
(49:21):
in tire in terms of how the community would see you,
how the church would see you, which then planted a
lot of seeds about how you should feel about yourself.
And so even in every sexual situation where it involves
a woman's role in a man's row, the woman is
held responsible because a man cannot control himself. Subliminally, they
(49:46):
give men and boys that message, and overtly they give
it to them. If you're going to cheat, mayo boy,
and you're married, get you somebody across town where they
won't run into your family. At least respect your family,
not disrespecting your family because they are. But you're supposed
(50:07):
to set the dynamics up so the two would never meet.
And if they shouldn't me, then you have to get
rid of the outside women because your wife is the
one that you have to respect. But you haven't been
doing that anyway, and what happens with you know again,
so we are still you know, even though now people
(50:28):
are much more aware and a lot of the men,
if they tell you the truth about it, they were
not raised to be very conscious about that that men
did it. That women, you know, seductive women, unguidly women,
women were they were spondsors the devil and they could
(50:52):
turn their feminine wiles on you and you lose your
mind and the next thing you know, you were having
sex and it really wasn't your father. And we know
what that sounds like. But when people are raised to
believe that it's that, and they will excuse it, go
will excuse it. And then women, who over there is
(51:13):
your responsibility to protect your chastity because now this man
that you're getting ready to marry has been out and
gone willing nearly with how many different women because he
was a male. But over here you're supposed to be
the first person that he ever had sex with, because
that's what he deserves to have a chase wife. And nowadays,
(51:36):
you know, women don't feel that way about it. You know,
women want to explore themselves and exercise. But a woman
can't do what a man can do, and what happens
with the woman if you're irresponsible, If you put yourself
out of there, you're still going to be labeled. You're
(51:57):
still going to be the one who will end with
the bulk of the responsibility if there's any irresponsibility that happens.
And it's very difficult for you to overcome that that
type of scrutiny. When you end up with several children,
unmarried and then still wanting to have a family, men
(52:21):
will look at you and judge you, even though they
may have been doing the very same thing. So common
sense says to me, and what I encourage women to do.
Think in your own good interests. You don't have to
catch every bus that passes. That may not be the
business gonna take you where you need to go. But
there is another bus coming alone.
Speaker 2 (52:43):
Yeah, you may want the fore Walker, but were waiting
for the seventeen glen View.
Speaker 9 (52:47):
That's right, and I know you can catch You can
catch a bus to get back to the fore Walker.
They just wait on the fore Walker. Okay you no,
you wait on the seventeen.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
Yeah, wait on Sevview.
Speaker 9 (53:00):
Yes, ll don't take no shortcut, right. You gotta stop there,
control your own life and body.
Speaker 2 (53:07):
That's right.
Speaker 5 (53:09):
Hold on, doctor Jeffries. We off to a good star,
great star. We got callers waiting, Doctor Jeffries. I have
an email for you, sounding good, sister. Hold on, doctor Jeffries.
Hold on, callers, Hold on, listeners. I got your calls,
I got your emails, y'all.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (53:26):
We're getting ready to go to the other side of
the Bev Johnson Show right here on doub d i A.
Speaker 7 (53:35):
Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or Mississippi, on Facebook, Twitter,
or Instagram, thank you for listening to the Bev Johnson
Show on doub d i A Memphis.
Speaker 2 (53:45):
The Bev jon Show.
Speaker 7 (54:41):
You're listening to the Bev Johnson Show. Here's Bev Johnson.
Speaker 2 (54:45):
And welcome back.
Speaker 5 (54:46):
We are talking about serial cheaters today with doctor Dorothy Jeffries.
Doctor Jeffries, I'm going back to our phone lines to
talk to our listeners.
Speaker 8 (54:55):
Prince of the Choices, say mine, say my name.
Speaker 2 (55:00):
How you doing, Beth doing well today? Brother?
Speaker 3 (55:03):
You uh?
Speaker 13 (55:04):
In the words of see Sydney percent what's the word
for the day again, I'm telling you, Beth, but as always,
I want to remind people please, if you got young
children and pets and you're driving around, please do not
leave them in the car, even for one minute. It
doesn't take for a split minute, but I card to
(55:26):
elevate to a high heat like a microway, So Bill
then look out for that, and also check on the
elderly if possible. Ben is always good afternoon to you
and your college and doctor Jefferies. I have two several
questions and hopefully you both can answer it for me.
The first one that doctor doctor Jeffrey and Beth Johnson
is there is there a major difference or is there
(55:47):
a difference between being a cheater and a what's the
word I'm trying to think of, promiscuous A personal's promiscuous sexually.
Is there difference between the two or are they the same?
Speaker 2 (56:02):
If there are difference between the cheater and what was
the last.
Speaker 14 (56:06):
Part you asked being permitsculus?
Speaker 2 (56:09):
Oh okay, I gotcha, I gotcha okay.
Speaker 13 (56:12):
And the second part of that question is I'm gonna
hang up and listen to the to you both discuss this.
Is it by human nature? Is it by human nature?
A person that's just boring to be the way that
they are to be permits us or being a teater?
Speaker 7 (56:30):
Is that.
Speaker 2 (56:32):
Nature?
Speaker 8 (56:33):
I got it?
Speaker 9 (56:33):
Yes?
Speaker 10 (56:34):
Yes?
Speaker 9 (56:34):
Is that just human nature?
Speaker 13 (56:36):
Because some people it's a human I'm not gonna say
that being acute, but it's there something that human nature
that people have a hard time control. Like I would
say that to be monogamous you have to work at it.
Being a cheater, that's an easy thing to do.
Speaker 14 (56:53):
So I'm gonna leave those those two questions to you,
and I'm gonna let you and doctor Jeffrey uh decipher
them and see what you come up with. I'm just saying,
just annoying. It's always about you and doctor Jefferson. Everyone
to have a beautiful, blessed sake and healthy weekend.
Speaker 5 (57:07):
Take care YouTube Prince, and I'm gonna get to you
doctor Jeffries that we get Frank in here.
Speaker 6 (57:13):
Hey Frank, Hello, how you doing.
Speaker 2 (57:15):
I'm doing well today and yourself.
Speaker 6 (57:18):
I'm doing great, doing great. And you know, we have
to look at what's in the part as these things.
We got cracks, we got cocaine, we got gets so
much drugs out there right now, you know, and then
we didn't put it everywhere. We got it in the church.
(57:40):
We got it. All that to jails, we got it.
You know, back in the day, we wouldn't disrespect God
at all. Back in the day, off grandmothers and granddaddies,
their mothers and daddies with with I mean they stirred
love and respect in their cheers. Today we got a
(58:01):
whole lot of minutes, and I mean plenty of it,
and and and that makes the different. No spiritual growth
at all. The spiritual growth is a joke now. I mean,
people is not even thinking about God and no shape
form a fashion because they got so much negativity surrounding them.
(58:22):
And that's the that's the time to think about God.
But they want to allow themselves to do it. They
grab hold of that negativity and and and loving it.
When I say loving it, it took control. But look
what the smart could person have done. They missed it
out and went on back to their neighborhood and looking good.
(58:46):
But we don't see that. We we we won't stop
for a minute and see the real picture.
Speaker 5 (58:53):
So are you saying, Frank, the reason that we have
serial cheaters is because we forgotten about spirituality.
Speaker 6 (59:02):
You know, we reasonally we have serious Jesus because they
don't have respect even for theyself. There there that that
that they're going into a out of, out of spiritual
growth that they in stay in the world. And this
is what the world have to offer. When you got
drugs everywhere, when you got people, uh, you know, no
(59:26):
family value. You can't take your children know where together,
do things together, and you can't go to church together
no more. I mean Grandmama, you get all them cheers
the great grass to make sure they up in there.
But when we don't. It's the love that people love
brings out love.
Speaker 9 (59:46):
Uh.
Speaker 6 (59:47):
When you in the world, you you lusty, you're not
it is no love when when I ask for my
wife and thank God, and I want to tell all
married men, if you still with that woman and that
woman still cooking true them and keeping that house over
thirty and forty years, you are to worship the ground
(01:00:10):
she walk on. Because out here in this new world,
these women ain't cooking. They'll team you. They ain't gonna cook,
they'll team you, ain't gonna cool, ain't washing the close,
they'll tell you. And they ain't no shame anything. It's
but it's the love like uh, the older women that
(01:00:33):
that that that moms and dad raised life. And and
because they had the spiritual health. Okay, and you know
we everybody had both both five mamas, five six daddies.
I mean because it was love. But now I mean
it's all about what you can do for me, right
and and and and it makes that all that makes
(01:00:57):
a difference. We got too much negativity in one lady.
That need to be eliminated, all that stuff to get
back where we were.
Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
We thank you, Frank, I got it. We thank you, Frank,
we got it.
Speaker 5 (01:01:13):
Appreciate you, brother, doctor Jeffries. Let's get to go back
to Prince's question. Prince Charles questions the difference between being
a cheater and promiscuous? Is there is there a difference?
Is there a difference being yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, And
(01:01:38):
then he also asked about yeah, okay, go on, doctor.
Speaker 9 (01:01:41):
Jefferes, I was gonna say, most promiscuous people do not
consider having made a commitment to anybody, and if they do,
it's very hard. They don't take it seriously because promiscurity
has there's a lot of different values. People can call
(01:02:02):
you promiscuous if you are single and you date two
or three different people at the same time.
Speaker 8 (01:02:11):
Now you may have.
Speaker 9 (01:02:12):
Everybody may be aware that you are not in a
committed relationship. You're not committed to either of these people.
These are just two or three people that you enjoy
doing somethings. Other people may perceive that that you're being promiscuous.
People tend to put a time stamp on, like after
you get to a certain age, why haven't you settled down,
(01:02:32):
why haven't you done this, that and the other? When
in reality, you know, most people do what they want
to do as long as they are able to do it. Now,
what I consider cheating is when you have a person
that you've identified as a partner, and partner has a
(01:02:55):
lot of difference that it may be a spouse, it
may be somebody that you've been alone term relationship with.
It may be somebody that you've dated long enough that
you would like to move to a level of being
in a long term relationship. And what I perceive is
that at that coin, if the two of you are
(01:03:15):
in agreement about that being, the assumption is that we're exclusive.
Exclusivity means it's just you and me now bringing other
people in or out of what you do on the side,
as long as just being beauty is on the side.
You're violated in the commitment that you've made with that person,
(01:03:38):
and I don't remember who it was, but you you
have a right to stay single as long as you
want to. Some people never get married, right. They like
the life of being a single person where they're independent
and they are the sole person who makes any decision
about their life, as they gladly share that with potential
(01:03:59):
suitors or people that they deal with. You know, I'm
a grown up. You know, I do what I want
to do then, and this may not be your cup
of tea, and that's fine, but this is me and
this is how I want to be. When you come
and you tell your own truth to people and they
cannot deal with it or it's so different from what
(01:04:20):
they're looking for what they want to need in their life.
Respect that the two of you may be friends, acquaintances
and what have you, but you probably shouldn't be together
because somebody's gonna get hurt. And it may be that
you wind up being like Clauk Clyde was talking about,
you end up being the one crime when you find
(01:04:41):
out that what you had was the best thing for you.
Usually that comes in hindsight, but as long as you're
single and you're honest and you're accountable for your behavior.
And when I'm talking about accountable, don't go leaving babies behind.
You don't be having protect your set, particularly if you're
(01:05:02):
dealing with multiple people. Babies are one thing passing on
diseases and causing people. Because if you're dealing with that
many people and you're promiscuous or cheating, you're exposing innocent
people to something that's even more dead. Livel can cause
more damage. But just be honest. The cheating part comes
(01:05:24):
in when you have to lie to somebody. You got
to deceive somebody else, and you keep secrets, right, So
if that's you, then you cheating. If you're just out
there having a good time and you you know you're
doing the party twelve and you catching yourself and any
(01:05:46):
potential partner, you promiscuous that you like it, and you
may not even call it from your security. You may
be just calling your heather of a good time. But
that's you and you're doing you. But if you have
to hide something from somebody else, it's not thenbscurity. You
putting somebody else in jeopardy, and that's the secret that
you're keeping.
Speaker 2 (01:06:07):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (01:06:09):
He also asked, is it just human nature that we
can't control that, we will be cheaters?
Speaker 9 (01:06:16):
Butture people can control their behavior. Now we're going to
be base and just deal with how human nature is defined.
Then we're animals. Animals don't like something you do, they
tear your head off, or they come in and and
and just destroy whatever that they fight you to the death.
(01:06:38):
I suppose to patrol our behavior beyond that. If people
see something that they want and they are just dealing
with human nature, and their desire is big and strong
that they want that they come and take your stuff.
I like your house, I'm coming in. You gotta get out.
(01:06:58):
And if I'm bigger and stronger or have more resources
than you, I'm gonna take your house. I'm gonna put
you out and you better not come back or it
may hurt you or kill you. So you can't have
it both ways. Can we control human nature? Can we
control our behavior and act like civilized people? Can we
have discussions and talk through differences and what have you?
(01:07:21):
Work through things. Oh, we're just gonna be animals and
go out there. Best fittiest person gets whatever they want
to think and rule. So yes, we can control our behavior.
We're supposed to be the highest functioning animal where we
can think and we know better.
Speaker 5 (01:07:40):
Okay, good, doctor Jeffries. Let me get this email in
from CC. Says doctor Jeffries. I have been married for
four years, and when I met him, he was in
a relationship. Our relationship started off with a lot of drama,
but now now he's trying to show me he has changed.
(01:08:04):
But in my heart, I feel he still has feelings
for his ex, who is also married. I have seen
the evidence since we have been married, they both have
seen each other. My question is do I have anything
(01:08:24):
to be concerned about since he is now staying at
home all the time and I'm not seeing any calls
on his phone. I really think he still loves her,
and I know the heart can't help who it loves.
Speaker 10 (01:08:38):
Ceci Wow, So okay, say they are married now?
Speaker 5 (01:08:44):
She said, I've been married for four years and when
I met him, he was in a relationship. Our relationship
started off with a lot of drama, but now he's
trying to show me he has changed. But in my heart,
I feel he still has feelings for or his ex
who is also married.
Speaker 9 (01:09:05):
Yeah, I was gonna say my question then would be
then through that drummer, was the drummer about him going
between back and forth between the two of you, and
then finally somebody ended it is and it seems like
the other person must have ended it and that's the
only reason that cc which they'll have some insecurity about
(01:09:28):
who he would have chosen.
Speaker 8 (01:09:30):
And if you know, if you've been.
Speaker 9 (01:09:33):
Together four years, he's staying at home. The thing, y'all,
don't talk about this, I mean you, because you know
he was involved with somebody else. They had a relationship,
and then he brought you into that relationship. And somehow
at the end of it, that person is over there
and you're here, having been married to him for four years,
(01:09:57):
young to have an honest conversation. Otherwise for whatever less
of time, y'all together, you're going to be checking his messages,
checking his phone.
Speaker 2 (01:10:08):
Any calls on his phone, so you.
Speaker 9 (01:10:12):
Him huh if you monitor him? See the thing, what
is how old Melvin say? Your body may be here,
but your mind is on the other side of time,
and you can never read somebody's mind. But you you
don't feel like he's really there with you. And obviously
(01:10:34):
if you don't feel that way, you don't feel that
he's committed to you. He's staying at home means nothing.
That may just mean there's no place to go, right,
But you need to ask these questions. These are heartfelt
questions so that you can have some peace of mind.
Ask him, how do you feel about her? Does she
(01:10:56):
break up? You may already know that she broke up
with him, that's what it sounds.
Speaker 2 (01:11:02):
Married, she said, He says she's married. Now she's also married.
Speaker 9 (01:11:08):
Okay, so, but but she's been with you for he's
been with you for four years. Did she marry somebody
else before he married you? She's still in your relationship?
That's like you went in and you were in their relationship.
So at this point you got to ask the card question,
(01:11:29):
who's in our relationship now? If we take the first
woman out because she's with somebody else and ask him,
do you still think about it? Do you still regret?
Do you regret that the two of you didn't get together?
Do you really want him to tell you the truth
that you got every question you ask, you gotta one
(01:11:50):
that you gotta ask us that do I want to
hear the truth. So it's something that's making you feel like, uh,
it's not right, and just by not seeing anything on
the phone is not the indication. It has to come
from him. And if you still don't trust it, I
(01:12:12):
don't know what to tell you is if y'all need
counseling or something to see if you can work through it.
This is like building trust after being involved in a
relationship that required everybody to line, denying, diceed. And now
the fear is is he lining and denying and deceasing me?
Speaker 2 (01:12:36):
You know?
Speaker 9 (01:12:37):
So you came in as a participant in because you
knew about the other woman at some point, But now
you're wondering, is he lining and denying to me? Do
you think he's a serial killer? And I would write
I would make a list and write down all of
my concerns in one column, and then right beside that
(01:12:58):
question or feeling or fear that you have, write down
why you feel that way, why you're afraid of this,
or why you're thinking this, and look on that paper
and see if it's about eighty percent of the fact
that you just think he's cheating, then then you believe
(01:13:19):
that he's a cheater, you know, and you can't trust
him that he's gonna hurt you he hurt you before.
That was the drama part, but you believe that even
now you can't believe him, so you don't believe he
took his vow seriously when he married you do Those
are major problems. And once you write that list, I
would have a conversation with him. And if he's not sensitive,
(01:13:43):
or if he can't he's unwilling to, or he can't
answer your questions or there's a hesitancy, you get counseling
first and ask him to come with you after you
get counseling, because you have to. You have to come
to peace with yourself about what it is that he's
not doing in the marriage or what it is you
need him to do in the marriage in order for
(01:14:06):
you to find peace. But the main question is why
don't you trust him?
Speaker 2 (01:14:14):
And I want to know, doctor Jeffries in gosh, we've
been doing this so long.
Speaker 5 (01:14:20):
Why people have a problem communicating and asking questions, especially
if you're married to somebody you.
Speaker 9 (01:14:27):
Don't want to know the answer is that it you
don't want you to ask hard, truthful questions is scary
because you are afraid of the answer. See if he
tells her I would have married her, but I didn't
(01:14:49):
want to lose you, and so she left and so
I stayed with you, and that's why I married you.
Could you stay with him then if you were married
to him, Oh, because he's saying you were second choice.
She don't want to hear that, but she believes that
because she's tracking, trying to see if he's if he's
(01:15:12):
being in touch with somebody else, with the woman that
the first woman, that's the person that she's afraid of,
and because she's afraid that that's what he wanted. She's
afraid that this woman can come and get her husband
anytime she desires. So you can't love and fear. You
(01:15:34):
cannot love and fear. Love and fear just cannot live
in the same house together. So one way or the other,
if you don't address it and come to some resolution
and gain some truth from it, and it has to
come for him and ask him, beg him, Please tell
me the truth. I just want to hear the truth.
(01:15:55):
When when y'all broke up, did she break up with
you or did you break up with her? And why
was it because of me? And do you have any regrets?
That's the first questions that you need to hear, because
otherwise you know you're going to destroy your marriage yourself
(01:16:16):
with what you think might have happened. What you are
waiting to happen. You're waiting on her to come and
get your husband right. And if you want him, then
you had to do this hard work. You want the truth,
and you can free both of y'all if he tells
you the truth and you find out that he really
(01:16:37):
loves you. But if you find if you find out
that he really loves her, you need to free yourself
because you can't be married to a man who wants
another woman. But that's why she won't ask the question.
That's why people don't ask the question.
Speaker 8 (01:16:53):
They don't want to know.
Speaker 9 (01:16:56):
They don't want to hear the court they already assume,
and they don't want to hear the truth and see
they already have a truth in their mind. She was saying,
He'll say I was in love with her, I'm still
in love with her.
Speaker 5 (01:17:11):
Hold on, Doc jeff as I look at my email CEC,
He says, Doctor Jeffries.
Speaker 2 (01:17:17):
I know I came into their relationship, but he married me.
Speaker 9 (01:17:20):
And yes, I'm afraid, okay, I've dread in a many
session with people same kind of scenario. They educated me.
I'm sharing it with you. But you can't live with
another woman's ghosts in your marriage, and you don't want
to because you can't be happy. We're going to be
(01:17:42):
happily married. You want to be committed to your marriage
and to your spouse so that the two of you
can grow as a couple together, focused as partners. That's
why we call it a partnership. You know, what we
do to each other in a part in the ship
impacts the other person at every ankle like that. So
(01:18:07):
put on your big girl pants. Tell your husband that
we need to.
Speaker 8 (01:18:12):
Have a talk.
Speaker 2 (01:18:13):
I like to say, doctor, say put your big girl
panties on.
Speaker 9 (01:18:19):
That's right, that's right, put those on. But do your
do the list first? Right down, what you're thinking and
feeling is m because remember he wasn't happy told me
over there, because he brought you into their relationship. Right now,
you're bringing her into the relationship. So the first thing
(01:18:44):
you want to know is does he is he's still
in love with her? And does he regrets that he
is not with her? That's the first truth you need
to hear now and tell you got to give him
permission to tell you the truth now, because when men
know what they're feeling, but they think that if they
(01:19:05):
tell you, it's going to be a mess y'all are
in a mess anyway. So when you got to give
him permission to tell me the truth, no matter what
it is, even if it hurts my feeling. I need
to know the truth because I'm killing myself worried about this.
And look at him, because if you've been with him
all this time, you out of there to look at
(01:19:26):
him and tell if he's lyes to you, not looking
at him trying to see what you want to hear,
but look at him and see what he's saying and
what he's not saying, because you deserve peace of mind.
You got to life is too short to be going
through this too short. Then you need to find your man.
(01:19:49):
If he is not your man, But if he is
your man, then you need to get the ghost of
that other woman out of that and work on your marriage.
So you got some homework to do.
Speaker 8 (01:20:00):
These thing.
Speaker 9 (01:20:00):
It's hard work, grown woman work, but it's grown woman work.
Speaker 5 (01:20:05):
And at least doctor Jeffery said that she told us
the truth. She says, and yes, I'm afraid.
Speaker 9 (01:20:11):
Yeah, she told us that in the letter to ask
the question she was the sad Probably that's in the letter.
But this is the deal. The other thing you've done.
There are a lot of other women who are dealing
with the same kind of stuff who cannot let something go. Yes,
(01:20:32):
that may have created a breach in their relationship, and
so what they're doing is keeping somebody outside of their
marriage or relationships. Insider man or woman is doing that.
And what I'm telling you to do, as long as
you bring a third party into your thing, they have
more power than either one of them, because you cannot
(01:20:53):
find peace and harmony with three people in there. If
that person is the type of conversation, every argument, every fear,
every jealousy piece, every argument, you cannot have peace and harmony.
And if you are married to somebody who loves you
and you love them, and peace and harmony is not
(01:21:13):
living with you, then there's something wrong. Somebody ain't loving
like they should be loving, and something needs to be
cleaned out and something needs to be brought in, and
y'all need to play protective and find out what it is.
And life is too short to be lying to each other.
Tell each other the truth. And if he loves you,
(01:21:35):
tell him he needs to convince you because you're hurting
and you don't believe him. You gotta be vulnerable. We
don't like that be word. Being vulnerable means telling the
person that you married and say you love that. I'm
being vulnerable with you, And what that means is that
(01:21:57):
I know that you have the power to hurt me
with what you say or do, and I'm feeling vulnerable
because I'm letting you know that that's true. And when
you say that, if he loves you, then he may
hurt you with telling you the truth. Yes, I have
(01:22:19):
seen her since then, blah blah blah, but then wait
to hear the whole thing. And what did you feel
or think after you saw her? That's the key part. See,
he might be still doing what you're doing, holding on
to that, but once he saw her, he may have
realized it's you who I want see see. So before
(01:22:44):
you go up, you got to be quiet, and you
got to listen, listen for information, and then process the
information so that y'all can then discuss it and come
to a decision about where you are and where you.
Speaker 10 (01:22:57):
Want to go.
Speaker 9 (01:23:00):
All right, but I do thank you for that letter.
Speaker 10 (01:23:02):
Yes, thank you letter for a lot of people.
Speaker 5 (01:23:05):
Yes it is, yes, it is c C. Thank you
think and thank you for writing in. I'm like you,
Doctor Jeffries, thank you. We appreciate that. So, Doctor Jeffries,
as we end up, it's been a good day to day.
Wait a minute, Doc jefres I. One of my listeners,
she email. She says, Maam, you got doctor Jeffery saying
(01:23:26):
serial killers.
Speaker 2 (01:23:28):
Said I don't know. Yeah, she said, she started and
she put the L O L. Yeah. Yeah, we get it.
Speaker 5 (01:23:38):
We watched too much fail attraction and for my man,
we do, we do. But we've been talking about serial cheaters.
How do we end this up, Dr Jeffries.
Speaker 9 (01:23:50):
Well, we've talked about him, we've described him. We told
you the characteristics about them. We told you what the
strength side of they have. If they serial cheaters and
they tell you the truth, then you know you're going
to stay away from them. But if you believe, if
you sense, if you feel life that you're involved with
(01:24:14):
somebody who can't who has a problem telling the truth,
has a problem being keeping their word, being faithful to commitment,
then you need to decide what's in your best interest.
It's impossible to live with a serial cheater and remain
sane because you're going to be upset, involved in drama
(01:24:36):
and arguments all the time. Because that's what they do,
that's what they thrive off of, juggling relationships, changing, transitioning,
moving on, bringing somebody else in. We're too old for
that now. We won't keep harmony and happiness in our
love life. That's what we want, that's what we need,
(01:24:59):
and the what you deserve.
Speaker 10 (01:25:01):
So go out.
Speaker 2 (01:25:04):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (01:25:05):
Good sessions, Doctor j Thank you, good sessions. Baby girl. Hey,
doctor Jeffery, I can't wait for next week because y'all
our topic.
Speaker 2 (01:25:20):
I'm giving it to this topic, Doctor Jeffries. Crazy as hell,
crazy as hell. We are gonna talk about that next week,
doctor Jeffries.
Speaker 9 (01:25:33):
Hell, okay, you got it, crazy ass hell.
Speaker 5 (01:25:40):
All right, all right, Doctor Jeffries, have a fabulous week
in the safe sister, can't wait till next week.
Speaker 9 (01:25:48):
All right, you do the same, baby girl, and the fast.
Speaker 2 (01:25:55):
Bye. Dr Jeffy's crazy, by bye bye bye. I love her.
Speaker 5 (01:26:00):
That is our behavioral relationship counselor. Doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Yeah,
good day to day. Before I get out of here,
let me say a big happy I'm I wanna be
like you, sister. A big happy birthday to Miss Thelma
(01:26:27):
Miller who's celebrating one hundred years young.
Speaker 2 (01:26:32):
What I love it.
Speaker 5 (01:26:35):
That's my goal to get one hundred, one hundred years old.
From her daughter Regina Miller and all boys. You got
grandsons and a church family Mount Olive Cathedral, former coworker
of Emma Milner Robinson.
Speaker 2 (01:26:52):
That's my girl.
Speaker 11 (01:26:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (01:26:54):
So we want to say happy happy birthday to Miss
Thelma Miller celebrating one hundred years young. Happy birthday, Miss Miller.
Continue to celebrate your life. And oh that's over there
matter out of cathedral. I know about that place. Yeah, yeah,
(01:27:17):
don't forget. As we celebrate our Men'sday on Sunday at
molt this God see of each church eleven o'clock. It's
a men'sday. Come on out as we celebrate with our
men our morning worship speak is gonna be the bad
boy of Beanhampton. Reverend Willie Ward Junior. Yeay, can't wait
for that.
Speaker 2 (01:27:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (01:27:38):
And as always, we want to thank you callers, we
want to thank you listeners for joining us this day
on the BEB Johnson Show. We do we really do
appreciate you, so until tomorrow, please be saved. Keep a
cool head, y'all, don't let any one still be your
(01:28:01):
joy until tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (01:28:04):
I'm BEV Johnson, and y'all keep the faith. Mark Baker
take Me Home, boyfriend.
Speaker 6 (01:28:14):
The fuse and opinions discussed on the BEB Johnson Show
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