August 21, 2023 • 24 mins
This week’s hometowns include a 12-year-old with a job and a break in at a coffee shop.
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Speaker 1 (00:16):
Hell, hello and welcome. It's my favorite Murder the minisode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Come on, I love this, fue I love it. Okay
first this time? Sure?
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
The subject line of this email is simply the bright
side of humanity, K and G, crew and critters. I
sent this before you asked for a story. That's such
a fucking hilarious way to start an email. Hey, look,
I sent this before. Yeah, you asked for stories about
people doing good deeds. Here's a story about a roadside rescue.
(00:54):
Back in the early eighties, before cell phones. I was
cruising around the Beltway heading to a friend's to drop
off my dog's Spanky before going on vacation. It was
after work, still daylight, and strangely, there was very little traffic.
I'm in the second lane from the right, and I
noticed an eighteen wheeler barreling up in the far left lane.
I glanced forward to see a four x four piece
(01:17):
of lumber in the left lane. How do I know
it was a four x four because I got a
much closer look at it. Sure enough, the truck runs
over the wood, turning it into a missile heading straight
from my windshield. Spanky was next to me. She refused
to ride in the back, and I pushed her to
the floor, leaned myself onto the passenger seat, and blindly
(01:39):
turned the car to the right, trying to avoid the projectile.
This all happened at once, me pushing the dog, leaning
out of the way, and steering the car to the right.
As the wood takes off, my side view mirror busts
through the driver's window and becomes impaled inside between the headrest.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And the car frame. What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Thankfully there was no one in the right lanes. In fact,
there was no one at all on the road. The
eighteen wheeler blithely continues down the highway and we're covered
in bits of safety glass, partially pulled over on an
eerily empty four lane highway.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
What the fuck just happened?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
The dog and I are okay, just a little stunned,
and we had to exit by the passenger door since
there was an eight foot four by four sticking out
of the driver's window. While we were sitting on the
side of the road, and I'm trying to process what
to do next, this tricked out custom painted van with
very large horses on it pulls over and two guys
(02:43):
get out.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Great. Great, I'm hoping they're.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Gonna be cool because I was pretty defenseless, no phone,
no potential weapon, and no witnesses. They walk around my car,
freaking out over the wood, protruding awkwardly, and then approach me,
asking if I'm okay in a shaky voice. I answer yes,
and I can feel the delayed response of tears and
jitters coming on. One of the guys runs across all
(03:06):
eight lanes of freeway to get to a gas station
and use the payphone, and then in parentheses it says,
like I said, it was the eighties. The other one
stands there looking at me and then says, I bet
you could use a drink, And my twenty two year
old self says a big one, and he says, well,
this is your lucky day I work for, and then
(03:29):
in parentheses the beer company with the very large horses.
He opens the back of the van to reveal a
tapped keg nestled in a custom stand and a stack
of to go cups on a little bar. Yes, while
waiting for the cops, I enjoyed a cold beverage with
my savior, which we discreetly disposed of when the officer arrived.
(03:49):
The cop took a report the van dudes removed the
lumber from my car. I dropped off Spanky and the
car was repaired while I was on vac All's well
that ends, well, stay sexy and pay attention when you're driving.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Louretta, What the fuck I mean? That is one of
the greatest stories ever told.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Yeah, that's a great survivor story. Unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
That happened to us once when we were on the freeway.
We watched just like a standard ladder fall off the
back of a truck and come bouncing down the freeway
at us. So it bounced over the car in front
of us, and then it hit the ground in front
of the car, and my ex was driving and he
kind of put his hand out and went hold on
(04:34):
and we drove over it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Oh my god. And nothing happened. Nothing happened.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
We just drove over it and it was fine. But
it was if it was any denser material, Yeah, like
I think we smashed it from driving over it.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Right, or maybe you've had a smaller car or something
like that.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, it was fucking horrifying.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
The idea that it was just like she just basically
collided with Jesus A lumber missile.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
I thing she saw it first, that is I'm never
leaving the house again.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I mean, Louretta.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Thank you for that amazing eighties story. That was epic,
A great epic story.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
This is called twelve year Olds with Jobs and my
almost first murder.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
You recently called for stories about twelve year olds with jobs,
and I thought, yay, I finally have a story to
write in Back in the very early nineties, you could
start volunteering as a candy striper at the local hospital
when you turned twelve. A few of my friends did
it and were tasked with safe jobs such as delivering
flowers or helping in the gift shop. I must have
(05:33):
looked like a very responsible twelve year old because I
was assigned to the transportation department, which meant I had
to transport patients out of the hospital when they were
discharged home. I had a great time wheeling new moms
with babies to their waiting cars and elderly people happy
to be going home. One day, the paid adult transporter
called out six, so they used me to transport patients
(05:55):
around the hospital, which meant the patients were actually still
in need of medical care. One assignment had me transporting
a man who had both an ivy pole and an
oxygen tank. I used my not yet fully developed twelve
year old brain to come up with plan that involved
him holding the ivy pole while I maneuvered the wheelchair
and oxygen tank slowly to his destination and surgery.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
So sorry, I forgot that this was about a twelve
year old. Like it took me.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
It only took me thirty seconds to forget where I'm like,
wait a second, a twelve year old works at the hospital.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
An untrained twelve year old is moving patients from different departments. Oh, oh,
it gets worse.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Wait, okay.
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Once we got to the nurses station, the nurses told
me to put him in a room, and, wanting to
be efficient, I quickly grabbed his wheelchair to put him
in the correct room. Only problem was that I forgot
about the oxygen. The nasal canulas stayed in his nose,
but the end isconnected from the oxygen tank. I of
course did the right thing, which at twelve years old,
(06:55):
was yelling good luck with surgery and booking it off
to the unit to end my shift. I spent the
rest of the week convinced that I had killed the
guy and fully expecting to be arrested when I arrived
from a next shift. To my astonishment, no one said
anything when I arrived, so I asked how he was
doing it, clearly being the days before HIPPA, My boss
immediately looked at his chart and told me his surgery
(07:17):
had gone well and he had been discharged home. In
an interesting turn of events, I have spent most of
my career in healthcare and work on compliance measures that
have been put in place to protect patients from twelve
year olds almost killing that Thank god, I'm still trying
to make amends for that poor guy who I almost killed.
(07:38):
At the tender age of twelve, stay sexy and don't
let twelve year olds doogie houser it up at the hospital.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Heather, she her, that's so like what a fateful story
where it's like, sure, I could have potentially killed this man,
but instead what I did was I took the lesson
there and I went and charged to policy in the future.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
That's trauma. That's like long held trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Yeah, good job.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
The subject line of this email is is it too
late for a Chippendale story? And this just starts salutations
and then it says ug y'all are excellent. Thank you
for championing mental health, compassion and general badassory. Okay, here
it goes. The year is two thousand, The place is
the San Fernando Valley. My best friend Anna and I
(08:31):
are walking to Target on some vital fourteen year old
girl business. A red convertible pulls up next to us,
and a man in a dated neon tank top and
shorts shorts ensemble calls out to us. We give him
our attention because we have not yet learned to fuck politeness.
He tells us that he is a Chippendale's dancer. If
you ladies know anyone having a bachelorette party, give me
(08:55):
a call.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Four fourteen.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
He hands us an old receipt on the back of
which is written David Steele S T E E L
E and a phone number, and then a parentheses that says,
is this common practice among the Chippendale set? Is it
a bizarro catfishing attempt? Who knows?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We did not call this man close parentheses?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Of course, when we regale our folks with this story,
they're tickled. Nobody seemed the least bit concerned that we
approach the car of a strange man and David Steele's
number remains in my wallet for years. Oh my god,
say sexy and at least get some business cards, dude,
Jamaica she her.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Yeah, your parents should have yelled at you. Sorry. David
Steele was not a Chippendale's dancer. That wasn't real.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
David Steele is the fucking weirdo writing his name and
phone number on a receipt and wearing a Neon twin
set around the valley.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
Come on, sounds like the valley? Pretty yeah, fucking spot.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
That's kind of what the valley's like as a resident
and proud citizen.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
That's what we're like over here.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Okay, this one's called true crime. On the Boss's Dime Greetings,
in episode three eighty four, Georgia asked how many people
listen to my favorite murder while at work? I'm raising
my hand. I've been an MFM listener since the early days,
thanks to my oldest friend Sarah, who insisted I subscribe
almost seven years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Thank you, Sarah, Thank you job.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Good job, rate review subscribe. I've enjoyed most episodes while
at work, crouched over my drawing table at a large
greeting card company in the Midwest. Who So, while my
hand is illustrating cute easter bunnies and sweet baby shower
rainbows and delicate mother's debouquets, my ears are full of murder.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
And may have Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Your compelling stories have helped me stay focused in the
studio for long stretches of time. Months later, when I
see these cards for sale in stores, I can often
remember exactly which episode I was listening to when I
created the art.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Oh my God, smiling snowman holding mistletoe, National Forest.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Serial killer, Oh my God, that.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Adorable Corgi puppy with a heart on its butt, poisoned
Halloween candy. Sometimes I wonder if any of the darkness
from the podcast seeps into the light hearted images I'm illustrating.
Next time you pick up a card for Grandma, do
you notice a sense of foreboding and those frolicking butterflies?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Hopefully I've hidden it.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Well.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
Thank you Karen and Georgia for helping me be productive
at work for the better part of a decade.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
From see see the Secret Greeting Card Illustrator.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Well, here's the thing, and this is something c knows
as well as all of us that love, true crime.
Life is a combination of light and dark.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
We can't have one without the other.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
For sure, we've all had terrible Christmases or you know,
winter holidays or Easters or whatever, non Catholic holidays everybody
else celebrates. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Thank you, thank you for including, thank you for mentioning.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Okay, personally for me, this is a real love letter
straight to Karen. So I'm sorry because this is this
is really this is related close in terms of things
I love, okay, and so I won't read you the
subject line. It starts a blanket hello to all involved
and associated. Karen, your hair's looking fabulous, Georgia. That cat looks.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Great on you. Thank you, just kind of the best
compliment for you of all time.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Okay, it says, all right, enough already, let's get into
this this scene. I was a manager at a coffee
shop in an affluent area of Los Angeles. I woke
up at four thirty am almost every day. So one
day I walk into the coffee shop from the back
door to open like any other day, and I noticed
something as awrye our bug zapper, which had been velcrow
(13:05):
to the wall is on the floor. Immediately, almost too immediately,
I come to the conclusion ghosts. I enter the front,
turn on the lights and see a big gaping hole
where the window once was. Panic sets in. We had
a break in? Is the culport still there? Am I
in danger? I look around the small space with phone
(13:28):
in hand, ready to dial nine to one one, and
no one is around. Thank God. When I tell you
there is glass everywhere, there is glass everywhere. Months after
the incident, I was still fighting broken glass completely covering
every surface and on the floor, but there were also
shards of glass all the way to the sidewalk. So
I call everyone, the police, my operations manager, my mom,
(13:51):
my boss tells us to stay and open like normal. Sure,
so slowly our regulars start rolling in. Now, being in
a trendy, wealthier area of LA we get quite a
number of celebrities and then in parentheses it just says brag.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Now.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I don't want to name any names, but we would
often get a lovely visit from a particular irishman with
devilish good looks and eyebrows that could vote, run for
mayor pull their own weight. Start a band, build a house,
join a cle call your dad et cetera. Yep, Colin Farrell, Yay,
it's a Colin Farrell email.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Oh my god, singles and Colin Farrell like what else
is there?
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Like?
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Oh my god? Also k.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Kind of dying. Here's the funniest thing though, after the
name Colin Farrell, they put somehow in an email they
have the emoji of a penguin. Why oh the penguin
from Batman? Did he play the the penguin in the
most recent Batman?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Oh that's amazing. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
For a second, I was like, oh, these kids with
their secret emoji language.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
I was like, the lobster. Was there a penguin in
the lobster?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Is the penguin a girl? Eggplant? How do what's happening?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Okay, he's the penguin. Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Colin orders as usual through the app and then in
parentheses it says I still remember his coffee order to
this day.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Oh my god, we need it, please.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Please, And when he arrives, one of my employees is
outside sweeping glass with a pitiful broom, and the rest
of my staff, including myself, are busy inside sweeping, cleaning
and making coffee orders. Colin pokes his head through the
gaping hole and says, what the fuck happened? I explained
that we had a break in, and he says, and
you have to stay open, And then in parentheses it says, oh,
(15:39):
he gets me. He then turns to my employee and
motions with his hand to give him the broom. I'm
standing there in a coffee shop with broken glass up
to my elbows, Colin Farrell's flat white in hand, there's
his coffee order, flat white, watching Colin Farrell sweep glass outside,
(16:00):
and I speak out loud. I'm not entirely convinced I'm
not dreaming. I hand him his coffee, Our hands graze
each other, threw the hand off, and I carry on
with my day, one of the best days of my life.
And then it says, and now for your unexpected pleasure.
An MFM anecdote. So they're transferring just from one of
(16:21):
the greatest Colin Farrell stories I've ever heard. Yeah, second
only to my own where I saw him at the
concession stand at the arc light. Yes, into this for
the shortest minute of my life. I worked in an
animal hospital. One busy day. I see this confused man
walk in with a dog. He asks if we can
help him. This dog appeared on his front lawn and
(16:42):
didn't know who they belonged to. I scanned the microchip
and let him know i'd be right back in the back.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I make the call, and.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
The woman on the other line gives me the name
and the phone number of the owner. She starts to
say the name Karen killed the rith what my jaw
equals flow, you're kidding me. I have Karen Calgarreff's dog
in the lobby, and then bam, it made sense. This
dog had three legs.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
It was George.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Oh my, so, Karen, I sincerely apologize for leaving you
the most confusing and disoriented voicemail. I was starstruck by
sweet old George and your outgoing message, which is literally
me going, hell, you've reached.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Karen coalle Gareff.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Leave a message to goodbye, like as fast as I
possibly can. Just kind of funny, alrighty, stay sexy. And
when Colin Ferrell motions to you to give him the broom,
you give him the broom.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Chelsea B. Do you remember that specifically?
Speaker 1 (17:37):
I remember it and I remember Chelsea B's message because
it was during quarantine. Yeah, so this was like right
when people started feeling like it might be okay to
see their friends and actually like be around another outside person. Yeah,
which was so weird. So Bridger Weneger of I said, no, guests,
please listen. If you haven't already, he calls and he's like,
(17:58):
I'm going to go and say and if I stay
in my life one minute longer, and I'm like, let's
go to the beach. And so George had a problem
slash talent when she had all four legs, and then
apparently when she had all three.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
That's what I was gonna say, is I didn't know
she fucking was able to do that with three legs.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Yes, So my dog, George, when she had four legs,
could climb fences, and I thought my fence was broken
because she got out multiple times at my old house,
and my neighbors around me were like, you're the worst
dog parent of all time. And I literally was like
hiring my next door neighbor Rick to come and fix
my fence, even though we were like, okay, let's replace
this fence. And now we're replacing this fence. And then
(18:38):
one day Rick is standing in his driveway and he
watches George pull herself up over an eight foot fence,
flip herself into his hedge, roll off, and then walk
up the street and he goes, Karen, I wouldn't have
believed it if I didn't see.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
It with my own eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
I was like, thank you, I'm not a bad dog parent.
She's like, this is extraordinary. So this time, this was
a new house and essentially they found there was this
weird way out the front that because it was the
first time I'd left a house in.
Speaker 4 (19:11):
Two years, yeah, she's like, fuck this, where's mom?
Speaker 1 (19:14):
She was panicking, I think, and she went and climbed
the front fence with three legs and then basically walked
up the street. This is kind of the funniest thing,
and this family was so nice. She walks up the
street and then just goes into these people's yards and
laid lays down because she only has three legs. So
she's like, I shouldn't have choice. So I'm out of
(19:37):
the house for the first time in over two years,
and we're driving home from the beach, so we're like
on the four h five and then I see, oh no,
I've gotten four messages that can't be good. And the
first one was from Chelsea b going.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Hi, Karen, I work at the blah blah blah animal hospital.
We found your dog. And then I'm like, of.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Course she's okay. Yeah, that's terrifying. It was pretty terrifying.
And then when we pulled up and she was just
laying in their front yard like it was her house,
just chilling and they had like a little son, I
think he was like four three or four years old,
just kind of hanging out with her, and it.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Was just like as if I had dropped.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Her off at the dog sitter and now it was
picking her up, except that these people didn't have to
play date. It was so embarrassing. That's adorable, So embarrassing.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
The only way that would have been better is if
the guy had been single and it had been a
meet cute. Could you imagine that someone has had to
meet that way before, right, Probably.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Yeah, somebody with a true lunatic like that dog was.
She had a touch of crazy in her where she
was just like, Yeah, if you leave me alone for
too long, I'm just gonna start climbing shit. And I
don't care.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I gotta find you. Yeah, I'm trying to save your life.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
What are you doing leaving the house like you're out
in this world by yourself.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
I don't see that.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
You out in the world. All right, This last one's
call two for funeral director edition. My dad has passed,
so I feel like I can safely share these stories now.
My dad worked as a funeral director and one time
the Mob approached him asking to bury two bodies at
once via a hidden compartment under a casket.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Oh wow, wow.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
He said no, not so much because it was wrong,
but because quote, once you do one thing for the Mob,
you're on the hook for life. Yeah, my dad very
much enjoyed not being beholden to anyone. I mean, either way,
your fuck. You say no to the mob and then
they know that you know a secret.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Also, how do you say no to the mob and
they don't make you the third body in the second compartment?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (21:47):
No?
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Thank you? Okay, guys, you're great. I think you're great. Yeah,
I'm just not. That's not me. Love your work, love
what you do. Just just know. And also was he
providing the casket with the secret compart or were they
that's a great question. Maybe they have them mm hmmm. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
There was also a time that he worked at a crematory.
The building looked like a generic, unlabeled industrial garage from
the outside. One night, the hearse inside was stolen for
a joy ride. The cops found it the next day,
only a few blocks away, parked on the side of
the road, with a note inside from the thieves stating
how very sorry they were to have stolen it. This
(22:26):
was because there was a body in the back the
whole time.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Oh yeah, they're sorry, Yeah, very sorry.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
I still laugh imagining their reaction when they realized it
was like teenagers or something, you know, yeah, stay sexy
and say no to the mob.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
The how how you say the mob?
Speaker 3 (22:45):
No?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I because maybe it's the funeral home was like an
old family funeral home where they've been in the neighborhood
for years. And it was like, guys, you know, I
can't get involved in this type totally.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I mean that kind of makes you wonder.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
How many fucking bodies are buried in a trap door
in a fucking casket.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
From the mob in New Jersey.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
MANI Jimmy Beffa, he's in a bunk bed.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
He's he's just down there under somebody's great grandma.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Yeah, whom Nanna died, and he WILLI bey Oh.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
What a batch. That was a batch for sure. That
was quite a batch.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
That was Can you do it too? Write us a
letter at my Favorite Murder at gmail. Get in here,
it's fun and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Good Bye, Elvis.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
Do you want a cookie?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Our editor is Aristotle Oscevedo.
Speaker 4 (23:50):
This episode was mixed by Leona Squalacci.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Emailing your hometowns to my Favorite Murder at gmail dot com.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at my
Favorite Murder and on Twitter at my faith Murder. Goodbye
Hell, hello and welcome. It's my favorite Murder the minisode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Come on, I love this, fue I love it. Okay
first this time? Sure?
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
The subject line of this email is simply the bright
side of humanity, K and G, crew and critters. I
sent this before you asked for a story. That's such
a fucking hilarious way to start an email. Hey, look,
I sent this before. Yeah, you asked for stories about
people doing good deeds. Here's a story about a roadside rescue.
(00:54):
Back in the early eighties, before cell phones. I was
cruising around the Beltway heading to a friend's to drop
off my dog's Spanky before going on vacation. It was
after work, still daylight, and strangely, there was very little traffic.
I'm in the second lane from the right, and I
noticed an eighteen wheeler barreling up in the far left lane.
I glanced forward to see a four x four piece
(01:17):
of lumber in the left lane. How do I know
it was a four x four because I got a
much closer look at it. Sure enough, the truck runs
over the wood, turning it into a missile heading straight
from my windshield. Spanky was next to me. She refused
to ride in the back, and I pushed her to
the floor, leaned myself onto the passenger seat, and blindly
(01:39):
turned the car to the right, trying to avoid the projectile.
This all happened at once, me pushing the dog, leaning
out of the way, and steering the car to the right.
As the wood takes off, my side view mirror busts
through the driver's window and becomes impaled inside between the headrest.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And the car frame. What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Thankfully there was no one in the right lanes. In fact,
there was no one at all on the road. The
eighteen wheeler blithely continues down the highway and we're covered
in bits of safety glass, partially pulled over on an
eerily empty four lane highway.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
What the fuck just happened?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
The dog and I are okay, just a little stunned,
and we had to exit by the passenger door since
there was an eight foot four by four sticking out
of the driver's window. While we were sitting on the
side of the road, and I'm trying to process what
to do next, this tricked out custom painted van with
very large horses on it pulls over and two guys
(02:43):
get out.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Great. Great, I'm hoping they're.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Gonna be cool because I was pretty defenseless, no phone,
no potential weapon, and no witnesses. They walk around my car,
freaking out over the wood, protruding awkwardly, and then approach me,
asking if I'm okay in a shaky voice. I answer yes,
and I can feel the delayed response of tears and
jitters coming on. One of the guys runs across all
(03:06):
eight lanes of freeway to get to a gas station
and use the payphone, and then in parentheses it says,
like I said, it was the eighties. The other one
stands there looking at me and then says, I bet
you could use a drink, And my twenty two year
old self says a big one, and he says, well,
this is your lucky day I work for, and then
(03:29):
in parentheses the beer company with the very large horses.
He opens the back of the van to reveal a
tapped keg nestled in a custom stand and a stack
of to go cups on a little bar. Yes, while
waiting for the cops, I enjoyed a cold beverage with
my savior, which we discreetly disposed of when the officer arrived.
(03:49):
The cop took a report the van dudes removed the
lumber from my car. I dropped off Spanky and the
car was repaired while I was on vac All's well
that ends, well, stay sexy and pay attention when you're driving.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Louretta, What the fuck I mean? That is one of
the greatest stories ever told.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Yeah, that's a great survivor story. Unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
That happened to us once when we were on the freeway.
We watched just like a standard ladder fall off the
back of a truck and come bouncing down the freeway
at us. So it bounced over the car in front
of us, and then it hit the ground in front
of the car, and my ex was driving and he
kind of put his hand out and went hold on
(04:34):
and we drove over it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Oh my god. And nothing happened. Nothing happened.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
We just drove over it and it was fine. But
it was if it was any denser material, Yeah, like
I think we smashed it from driving over it.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Right, or maybe you've had a smaller car or something
like that.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, it was fucking horrifying.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
The idea that it was just like she just basically
collided with Jesus A lumber missile.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
I thing she saw it first, that is I'm never
leaving the house again.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I mean, Louretta.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Thank you for that amazing eighties story. That was epic,
A great epic story.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
This is called twelve year Olds with Jobs and my
almost first murder.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
You recently called for stories about twelve year olds with jobs,
and I thought, yay, I finally have a story to
write in Back in the very early nineties, you could
start volunteering as a candy striper at the local hospital
when you turned twelve. A few of my friends did
it and were tasked with safe jobs such as delivering
flowers or helping in the gift shop. I must have
(05:33):
looked like a very responsible twelve year old because I
was assigned to the transportation department, which meant I had
to transport patients out of the hospital when they were
discharged home. I had a great time wheeling new moms
with babies to their waiting cars and elderly people happy
to be going home. One day, the paid adult transporter
called out six, so they used me to transport patients
(05:55):
around the hospital, which meant the patients were actually still
in need of medical care. One assignment had me transporting
a man who had both an ivy pole and an
oxygen tank. I used my not yet fully developed twelve
year old brain to come up with plan that involved
him holding the ivy pole while I maneuvered the wheelchair
and oxygen tank slowly to his destination and surgery.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
So sorry, I forgot that this was about a twelve
year old. Like it took me.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
It only took me thirty seconds to forget where I'm like,
wait a second, a twelve year old works at the hospital.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
An untrained twelve year old is moving patients from different departments. Oh, oh,
it gets worse.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Wait, okay.
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Once we got to the nurses station, the nurses told
me to put him in a room, and, wanting to
be efficient, I quickly grabbed his wheelchair to put him
in the correct room. Only problem was that I forgot
about the oxygen. The nasal canulas stayed in his nose,
but the end isconnected from the oxygen tank. I of
course did the right thing, which at twelve years old,
(06:55):
was yelling good luck with surgery and booking it off
to the unit to end my shift. I spent the
rest of the week convinced that I had killed the
guy and fully expecting to be arrested when I arrived
from a next shift. To my astonishment, no one said
anything when I arrived, so I asked how he was
doing it, clearly being the days before HIPPA, My boss
immediately looked at his chart and told me his surgery
(07:17):
had gone well and he had been discharged home. In
an interesting turn of events, I have spent most of
my career in healthcare and work on compliance measures that
have been put in place to protect patients from twelve
year olds almost killing that Thank god, I'm still trying
to make amends for that poor guy who I almost killed.
(07:38):
At the tender age of twelve, stay sexy and don't
let twelve year olds doogie houser it up at the hospital.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Heather, she her, that's so like what a fateful story
where it's like, sure, I could have potentially killed this man,
but instead what I did was I took the lesson
there and I went and charged to policy in the future.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
That's trauma. That's like long held trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Yeah, good job.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
The subject line of this email is is it too
late for a Chippendale story? And this just starts salutations
and then it says ug y'all are excellent. Thank you
for championing mental health, compassion and general badassory. Okay, here
it goes. The year is two thousand, The place is
the San Fernando Valley. My best friend Anna and I
(08:31):
are walking to Target on some vital fourteen year old
girl business. A red convertible pulls up next to us,
and a man in a dated neon tank top and
shorts shorts ensemble calls out to us. We give him
our attention because we have not yet learned to fuck politeness.
He tells us that he is a Chippendale's dancer. If
you ladies know anyone having a bachelorette party, give me
(08:55):
a call.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Four fourteen.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
He hands us an old receipt on the back of
which is written David Steele S T E E L
E and a phone number, and then a parentheses that says,
is this common practice among the Chippendale set? Is it
a bizarro catfishing attempt? Who knows?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We did not call this man close parentheses?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Of course, when we regale our folks with this story,
they're tickled. Nobody seemed the least bit concerned that we
approach the car of a strange man and David Steele's
number remains in my wallet for years. Oh my god,
say sexy and at least get some business cards, dude,
Jamaica she her.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Yeah, your parents should have yelled at you. Sorry. David
Steele was not a Chippendale's dancer. That wasn't real.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
David Steele is the fucking weirdo writing his name and
phone number on a receipt and wearing a Neon twin
set around the valley.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
Come on, sounds like the valley? Pretty yeah, fucking spot.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
That's kind of what the valley's like as a resident
and proud citizen.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
That's what we're like over here.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Okay, this one's called true crime. On the Boss's Dime Greetings,
in episode three eighty four, Georgia asked how many people
listen to my favorite murder while at work? I'm raising
my hand. I've been an MFM listener since the early days,
thanks to my oldest friend Sarah, who insisted I subscribe
almost seven years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Thank you, Sarah, Thank you job.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Good job, rate review subscribe. I've enjoyed most episodes while
at work, crouched over my drawing table at a large
greeting card company in the Midwest. Who So, while my
hand is illustrating cute easter bunnies and sweet baby shower
rainbows and delicate mother's debouquets, my ears are full of murder.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
And may have Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Your compelling stories have helped me stay focused in the
studio for long stretches of time. Months later, when I
see these cards for sale in stores, I can often
remember exactly which episode I was listening to when I
created the art.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Oh my God, smiling snowman holding mistletoe, National Forest.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Serial killer, Oh my God, that.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Adorable Corgi puppy with a heart on its butt, poisoned
Halloween candy. Sometimes I wonder if any of the darkness
from the podcast seeps into the light hearted images I'm illustrating.
Next time you pick up a card for Grandma, do
you notice a sense of foreboding and those frolicking butterflies?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Hopefully I've hidden it.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Well.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
Thank you Karen and Georgia for helping me be productive
at work for the better part of a decade.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
From see see the Secret Greeting Card Illustrator.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Well, here's the thing, and this is something c knows
as well as all of us that love, true crime.
Life is a combination of light and dark.
Speaker 4 (11:48):
We can't have one without the other.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
For sure, we've all had terrible Christmases or you know,
winter holidays or Easters or whatever, non Catholic holidays everybody
else celebrates. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Thank you, thank you for including, thank you for mentioning.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Okay, personally for me, this is a real love letter
straight to Karen. So I'm sorry because this is this
is really this is related close in terms of things
I love, okay, and so I won't read you the
subject line. It starts a blanket hello to all involved
and associated. Karen, your hair's looking fabulous, Georgia. That cat looks.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Great on you. Thank you, just kind of the best
compliment for you of all time.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Okay, it says, all right, enough already, let's get into
this this scene. I was a manager at a coffee
shop in an affluent area of Los Angeles. I woke
up at four thirty am almost every day. So one
day I walk into the coffee shop from the back
door to open like any other day, and I noticed
something as awrye our bug zapper, which had been velcrow
(13:05):
to the wall is on the floor. Immediately, almost too immediately,
I come to the conclusion ghosts. I enter the front,
turn on the lights and see a big gaping hole
where the window once was. Panic sets in. We had
a break in? Is the culport still there? Am I
in danger? I look around the small space with phone
(13:28):
in hand, ready to dial nine to one one, and
no one is around. Thank God. When I tell you
there is glass everywhere, there is glass everywhere. Months after
the incident, I was still fighting broken glass completely covering
every surface and on the floor, but there were also
shards of glass all the way to the sidewalk. So
I call everyone, the police, my operations manager, my mom,
(13:51):
my boss tells us to stay and open like normal. Sure,
so slowly our regulars start rolling in. Now, being in
a trendy, wealthier area of LA we get quite a
number of celebrities and then in parentheses it just says brag.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Now.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I don't want to name any names, but we would
often get a lovely visit from a particular irishman with
devilish good looks and eyebrows that could vote, run for
mayor pull their own weight. Start a band, build a house,
join a cle call your dad et cetera. Yep, Colin Farrell, Yay,
it's a Colin Farrell email.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Oh my god, singles and Colin Farrell like what else
is there?
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Like?
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Oh my god? Also k.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Kind of dying. Here's the funniest thing though, after the
name Colin Farrell, they put somehow in an email they
have the emoji of a penguin. Why oh the penguin
from Batman? Did he play the the penguin in the
most recent Batman?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Oh that's amazing. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
For a second, I was like, oh, these kids with
their secret emoji language.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
I was like, the lobster. Was there a penguin in
the lobster?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Is the penguin a girl? Eggplant? How do what's happening?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Okay, he's the penguin. Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Colin orders as usual through the app and then in
parentheses it says I still remember his coffee order to
this day.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Oh my god, we need it, please.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Please, And when he arrives, one of my employees is
outside sweeping glass with a pitiful broom, and the rest
of my staff, including myself, are busy inside sweeping, cleaning
and making coffee orders. Colin pokes his head through the
gaping hole and says, what the fuck happened? I explained
that we had a break in, and he says, and
you have to stay open, And then in parentheses it says, oh,
(15:39):
he gets me. He then turns to my employee and
motions with his hand to give him the broom. I'm
standing there in a coffee shop with broken glass up
to my elbows, Colin Farrell's flat white in hand, there's
his coffee order, flat white, watching Colin Farrell sweep glass outside,
(16:00):
and I speak out loud. I'm not entirely convinced I'm
not dreaming. I hand him his coffee, Our hands graze
each other, threw the hand off, and I carry on
with my day, one of the best days of my life.
And then it says, and now for your unexpected pleasure.
An MFM anecdote. So they're transferring just from one of
(16:21):
the greatest Colin Farrell stories I've ever heard. Yeah, second
only to my own where I saw him at the
concession stand at the arc light. Yes, into this for
the shortest minute of my life. I worked in an
animal hospital. One busy day. I see this confused man
walk in with a dog. He asks if we can
help him. This dog appeared on his front lawn and
(16:42):
didn't know who they belonged to. I scanned the microchip
and let him know i'd be right back in the back.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I make the call, and.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
The woman on the other line gives me the name
and the phone number of the owner. She starts to
say the name Karen killed the rith what my jaw
equals flow, you're kidding me. I have Karen Calgarreff's dog
in the lobby, and then bam, it made sense. This
dog had three legs.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
It was George.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Oh my, so, Karen, I sincerely apologize for leaving you
the most confusing and disoriented voicemail. I was starstruck by
sweet old George and your outgoing message, which is literally
me going, hell, you've reached.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Karen coalle Gareff.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Leave a message to goodbye, like as fast as I
possibly can. Just kind of funny, alrighty, stay sexy. And
when Colin Ferrell motions to you to give him the broom,
you give him the broom.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Chelsea B. Do you remember that specifically?
Speaker 1 (17:37):
I remember it and I remember Chelsea B's message because
it was during quarantine. Yeah, so this was like right
when people started feeling like it might be okay to
see their friends and actually like be around another outside person. Yeah,
which was so weird. So Bridger Weneger of I said, no, guests,
please listen. If you haven't already, he calls and he's like,
(17:58):
I'm going to go and say and if I stay
in my life one minute longer, and I'm like, let's
go to the beach. And so George had a problem
slash talent when she had all four legs, and then
apparently when she had all three.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
That's what I was gonna say, is I didn't know
she fucking was able to do that with three legs.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Yes, So my dog, George, when she had four legs,
could climb fences, and I thought my fence was broken
because she got out multiple times at my old house,
and my neighbors around me were like, you're the worst
dog parent of all time. And I literally was like
hiring my next door neighbor Rick to come and fix
my fence, even though we were like, okay, let's replace
this fence. And now we're replacing this fence. And then
(18:38):
one day Rick is standing in his driveway and he
watches George pull herself up over an eight foot fence,
flip herself into his hedge, roll off, and then walk
up the street and he goes, Karen, I wouldn't have
believed it if I didn't see.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
It with my own eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
I was like, thank you, I'm not a bad dog parent.
She's like, this is extraordinary. So this time, this was
a new house and essentially they found there was this
weird way out the front that because it was the
first time I'd left a house in.
Speaker 4 (19:11):
Two years, yeah, she's like, fuck this, where's mom?
Speaker 1 (19:14):
She was panicking, I think, and she went and climbed
the front fence with three legs and then basically walked
up the street. This is kind of the funniest thing,
and this family was so nice. She walks up the
street and then just goes into these people's yards and
laid lays down because she only has three legs. So
she's like, I shouldn't have choice. So I'm out of
(19:37):
the house for the first time in over two years,
and we're driving home from the beach, so we're like
on the four h five and then I see, oh no,
I've gotten four messages that can't be good. And the
first one was from Chelsea b going.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Hi, Karen, I work at the blah blah blah animal hospital.
We found your dog. And then I'm like, of.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Course she's okay. Yeah, that's terrifying. It was pretty terrifying.
And then when we pulled up and she was just
laying in their front yard like it was her house,
just chilling and they had like a little son, I
think he was like four three or four years old,
just kind of hanging out with her, and it.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Was just like as if I had dropped.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Her off at the dog sitter and now it was
picking her up, except that these people didn't have to
play date. It was so embarrassing. That's adorable, So embarrassing.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
The only way that would have been better is if
the guy had been single and it had been a
meet cute. Could you imagine that someone has had to
meet that way before, right, Probably.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Yeah, somebody with a true lunatic like that dog was.
She had a touch of crazy in her where she
was just like, Yeah, if you leave me alone for
too long, I'm just gonna start climbing shit. And I
don't care.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I gotta find you. Yeah, I'm trying to save your life.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
What are you doing leaving the house like you're out
in this world by yourself.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
I don't see that.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
You out in the world. All right, This last one's
call two for funeral director edition. My dad has passed,
so I feel like I can safely share these stories now.
My dad worked as a funeral director and one time
the Mob approached him asking to bury two bodies at
once via a hidden compartment under a casket.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Oh wow, wow.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
He said no, not so much because it was wrong,
but because quote, once you do one thing for the Mob,
you're on the hook for life. Yeah, my dad very
much enjoyed not being beholden to anyone. I mean, either way,
your fuck. You say no to the mob and then
they know that you know a secret.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Also, how do you say no to the mob and
they don't make you the third body in the second compartment?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (21:47):
No?
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Thank you? Okay, guys, you're great. I think you're great. Yeah,
I'm just not. That's not me. Love your work, love
what you do. Just just know. And also was he
providing the casket with the secret compart or were they
that's a great question. Maybe they have them mm hmmm. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
There was also a time that he worked at a crematory.
The building looked like a generic, unlabeled industrial garage from
the outside. One night, the hearse inside was stolen for
a joy ride. The cops found it the next day,
only a few blocks away, parked on the side of
the road, with a note inside from the thieves stating
how very sorry they were to have stolen it. This
(22:26):
was because there was a body in the back the
whole time.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Oh yeah, they're sorry, Yeah, very sorry.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
I still laugh imagining their reaction when they realized it
was like teenagers or something, you know, yeah, stay sexy
and say no to the mob.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
The how how you say the mob?
Speaker 3 (22:45):
No?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I because maybe it's the funeral home was like an
old family funeral home where they've been in the neighborhood
for years. And it was like, guys, you know, I
can't get involved in this type totally.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I mean that kind of makes you wonder.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
How many fucking bodies are buried in a trap door
in a fucking casket.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
From the mob in New Jersey.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
MANI Jimmy Beffa, he's in a bunk bed.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
He's he's just down there under somebody's great grandma.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Yeah, whom Nanna died, and he WILLI bey Oh.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
What a batch. That was a batch for sure. That
was quite a batch.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
That was Can you do it too? Write us a
letter at my Favorite Murder at gmail. Get in here,
it's fun and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Good Bye, Elvis.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
Do you want a cookie?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Our editor is Aristotle Oscevedo.
Speaker 4 (23:50):
This episode was mixed by Leona Squalacci.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Emailing your hometowns to my Favorite Murder at gmail dot com.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at my
Favorite Murder and on Twitter at my faith Murder. Goodbye
Hosts And Creators
Georgia Hardstark
Karen Kilgariff
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