Dirty Little Secret:“I Don't Love My Child"

What happens when you make a life-changing decision for someone you love… and the feelings you expected never arrive?

On this emotional edition ofBilly The Kidd In The Morning, Billy the Kidd, Candice Lopez, and Producer Pooh hear one of the most shocking and heartbreaking Dirty Little Secrets ever shared on the show.

A woman calls in with a confession she's never told anyone—not her family, her friends, or even her husband. Unable to have biological children, she eventually agreed to adopt a young daughter after years of her husband expressing his desire to become a father. But more than a year after the adoption, she's struggling with a painful reality: the motherly bond she expected to develop simply hasn't happened.

As she opens up about feeling emotionally disconnected, overwhelmed with guilt, and afraid of hurting both her husband and their adopted daughter, the show has an honest conversation about parenthood, expectations, mental health, adoption, and whether love always arrives the way people expect it to.

Billy, Candice, and Producer Pooh thoughtfully navigate a situation filled with compassion and complexity, offering support while asking difficult questions many people may be afraid to discuss openly.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Get it off your chest comments you'll feel better.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Welcome to the Dirty Little Secret mixed.

Speaker 3 (00:04):
One or two point nine. Your dirty little Secrets, Bring
them on. It's Bill at a Kid. Candice Lopez is
your producer, poo and anytime you want, just confess eight
three to three seven eight seven one o two nine.
Doesn't matter what it is. It could be a big secret,
little secret. It could be something silly, something serious, whatever.
And you can also DM to at Billy on the radio.
Some people want to set it up that way on
Instagram and it's at Billy on the radio. You have

(00:26):
a secret.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
So I do have a secret that I've never told
another person before, and you know, not my friends, not
my family, not even my husband. And I'm a little
ashamed of it. But backstory, before we got married, you
knew I couldn't have children. He told me he was
okay with that, But then over time he started bringing
up adoption more and more, and I kept telling him

(00:49):
I wasn't sure because if I'm being completely honest, it's
never been something I truly wanted, all right, But I
also felt really guilty about that, felt like I was
taking away answer to be a dad. So eventually I
gave in and we adopt a little girl.

Speaker 3 (01:04):
Oh you did.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
And I'm not going to say her We did, and
I'm not going to say her name.

Speaker 3 (01:08):
No, no, no, don't don't even say anything. Yeah, yeah,
but can you give us an idea of how old?
I mean, maybe just an idea of how old she is.

Speaker 2 (01:16):
She's between five and nine. I'll leave it at that.

Speaker 3 (01:20):
Okay, that's fair. Yeah, okay. So I think this is
because I know a little bit about this story. So
and I say that because I think it does matter.
Tell us the confession, because this is the part where
I know it's it hits.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
I don't. I don't really love her, and I know
that sounds beyond her. Oh I know, I know, and
I can't help it. I can't help it. She isn't
a bad kid. I mean, she has her issues, but
she hasn't done andything terrible.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
Okay, when that's saying, like when you say you don't
you don't really love her, I'm trying to think out
to say this and not sound like she was a transaction,
because it's so much more than that. So many people
are you know, have beautiful families, and people are adopted.
But when did you adopt her, like, has it been
a while or so?

Speaker 2 (02:08):
It's been more than a year now, okay, and she
still feels like a stranger living in her house to me,
Like I keep I know this as harsh, but I
keep waiting for that like motherly bond everybody talks about,
and it just hasn't happened. And meanwhile, my husband absolutely
adores her. They're becoming so close, and I watch them

(02:30):
together wondering what's wrong with me?

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Right?

Speaker 2 (02:33):
I take my way through like every day, smiling, acting
like everything's fine, but inside I just feel so guilty
all the time because I don't feel the love I
thought I was supposed to feel.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
I mean, this makes my heart hurt for all sides. Now,
does she feel the lack of love or this is
something that you're just kind of holding in. It's a
you thing. It's not anybody else, anything else, anybody knows Yet.

Speaker 2 (02:57):
I feel like he doesn't like me very much. I
feel like there's something off about her almost and I
just can't seem to pinpoint it. And like the worst
part is, I feel like this has changed me as
a person, but not for the better. Like I used
to be happy and now I constantly feel anxious and
emotionally exhausted, and like, I thought about seeing a therapist,

(03:21):
but like, I don't know what they're going to tell me.
It's not like someone can just say just undo the adoption,
you know, like that's not reality. And I would never
want to hurt my husband or this little girl. And
I'm just I don't know.

Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well, I mean, if you're thinking about all the feelings
that you have going on, I can only imagine the
thing she has going on in her head because this
is a completely new you know, even though it's been
a year, this is I don't know what people go
through when they're adopted.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
It's still a new space for her.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
Oh it's new everything.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, you can't process this on your own though.

Speaker 3 (03:51):
And I don't know where she came from, but there's
obviously things that she probably remembers, and she's processing things
at a young age with a brain that's not developed.
There's a lot going on there. I wonder how if
this is more normal than you think and people just
don't say it out loud.

Speaker 1 (04:05):
I mean, if being a mom was never really something
that you truly truly wanted, I mean, it just might
not be in you genetically, you know, like, I don't
know that it is for everyone, honestly.

Speaker 2 (04:17):
Well, I really appreciate you saying that.

Speaker 3 (04:20):
I'm just trying to imagine a world where something changes.
I don't know what could change, where something clicks with
you two and you start to because it sound like
a lack of trying from what you were telling me.
You know, in the message you wrote me, you're trying
to get closer, You're trying to bond.

Speaker 2 (04:34):
At this point, I'm playing the role of her mom
instead of actually being her mom, and it's suck.

Speaker 1 (04:39):
Yeah, but maybe people who have been in your position
will call and tell us it takes time. I don't
know what's normal, you know. I mean, even when you
birth the child, sometimes it takes time. Yeah, I don't
know some moms unfortunately, right.

Speaker 3 (04:51):
I could I could see that, Yeah, I could see,
you know, but I don't like the fact that you
kind of felt it sounds like you felt pressured in
to adopting when you didn't. And I get that you
want to make sacrifices and compromise with your husband, but
I don't know, kids, it's one of those that's a
compromise that I don't know if you should ever compromise

(05:11):
your feelings on that. Yeah, if you don't want kids,
you don't want kids.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yeah, I definitely, I think maybe reach out to someone
for help, counseling, a therapist, yeah, like safe person. That's
not us, because.

Speaker 3 (05:24):
That's a lot, and I'm sure there's counselors who specialize
in this, and yeah, I'm sure we'll have some call
in but oh good luck. I really appreciate you opening
up to us because I know it's not easy, and
we've been going back and forth, so I know it's tough.
And yeah, I don't think you should feel like bad
for speaking your feelings, and I would when you do
talk to someone, be really honest so they know where

(05:46):
this is coming from and go from there.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
Yeah. Absolutely, Well, thank you guys very much for your
advice and help. I really really appreciate it.