March 9, 2026 • 31 mins
In this episode of Demystifying Money, host Misty Lynch sits down with Sara Stalker, a licensed psychotherapist and addiction expert, to discuss the complex intersections of financial betrayal, addiction, and relationships. Gain actionable insights on identifying red flags, repairing trust, and communicating effectively about money and addictive behaviors.
Here's what you'll learn in this episode:
Where to find Sara
Website: intuitivecoachingwithsara.com
Instagram: @intuitivehealingwithsara
LinkedIn: @sara-stalker-ma-rp-asat-amat-eating-disorders-a79146322/
Where to find Misty
Websites:
Here's what you'll learn in this episode:
- What financial betrayal really means and its psychological impact on trust and safety in relationships
- Key signs of addictive behaviors and the importance of addressing “betrayal blindness”
- How addiction and secrecy can lead to devastating financial consequences and trauma
- Practical tips for open communication and setting boundaries around money and behaviors like gambling, spending, and more
- Strategies for healing, rebuilding connection, and creating a financially and emotionally healthy relationship
Where to find Sara
Website: intuitivecoachingwithsara.com
Instagram: @intuitivehealingwithsara
LinkedIn: @sara-stalker-ma-rp-asat-amat-eating-disorders-a79146322/
Where to find Misty
Websites:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the demist Defying Money podcast, where each week
you will hear unforgettable conversations with expert guests about success, money, business,
and small steps you can take to elevate your life
and wealth. Now here's your host, Misty Lynch.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hello everyone, thank you so much for joining us for
the Demistifying Money Podcast. I'm your host, Misty Lynch, and
today I'm joined by Sara Stalker. She is a triple
threat in the healing space. She's a licensed psychotherapist, a
specialized addiction expert, and an intuitive coach. She has credentials
in both sex addiction, multiple addictions, and eating disorders, and
(00:37):
specializes in complex intersections where betrayal, trauma meets disordered coping mechanisms.
I was really interested in talking with Sara today because
while all of the work that she's doing with addiction
and behavior, it might sound like it doesn't have much
to do when demistifying money or finances. But I believe
(01:00):
that there is a lot of behaviors that do have
a very direct financial impact on people's lives, and I
think that it's a really complicated topic to potentially approach,
and so I thought it would be great to speak
with her about her tips and advice for dealing with
this behavior if it's you, if it's your partner, if
(01:22):
it's your child, and really trying to dig into what's
changing out there in the environment and the access that
we have to all of these potentially addictive types of
activities and behavior out there.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
So, Sara, thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Thank you so much for having me, Miss dear, I
really appreciate it.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
This episode of Demystifying Money with mis Dy Lynch is
proudly sponsored by Soundview Financial Advisors. Visit www dot Soundview
financial Advisors dot com to learn more.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
I'd love to hear a little bit about how you
got into the work that you do and what kind
of brought you towards wanting to help people with addiction
in particular.
Speaker 4 (02:07):
So I have my own personal experience being with a
partner who struggled with a couple of addictions, and I
know how hard it can be as a betrayed partner
and not having support out there. It's there's so much
shame and guilt with the person who's struggling with addiction,
but partners also struggle with shame and guilt, and it's
(02:30):
often very isolating. They don't want to talk to other
people about it, they don't want to be judged, they
don't want their partner to be judged. So I felt
like I needed to do this work to help people.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, I feel like a lot of us kind of
come to our careers by feeling that that calling. And
you know, I feel like, especially the perspective that you
mentioned being important, because yes, there's you know, somebody dealing
with addiction, but also the people around and the people
the partners have there's an impact there too, But there's
still the same shame, the same guilt as if this
(03:07):
was your own experience, but it's just different. So when
I think about financial betrayal and trust, you know, I
typically think about people who are maybe spending money on you.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Know, on affairs, or hiding money or.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Stealing like taking it, and so I feel like that
tends to impact a person's sense of like safety and
security when they feel like there's been a financial betrayal
going on.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
But I'm curious from your perspective.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Like, how do you define financial betrayal from like the
psychological and the relationship perspective.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
So financial betrayal is exactly what you said, it's violating
that safety, that sense of safety because when you get
into a partnership with somebody, you are usually giving your
heart and your soul in the relationship and trusting that
person with with everything. It's not just about about the
(04:05):
the relationship, like you know, the sexual component, you have kids,
but then the finances is a huge sense of safety.
And whether it's a childhood trauma piece or it's something
that that isn't related to childhood trauma, there is that
need for security. So when someone gaslights you the betrayed
(04:30):
you know if you have I would say trust your guts.
If your gut says something is off and you ask
your partner a question about looking at an account or
how come this money is missing? And a gaslight you,
then that also causes more insecurity and feelings of betrayal,
and if you have it can it can actually lead
(04:52):
to PTSD. Yeah, it's it's really scary because let's be honest,
money makes the world go around. It is what we
need to survive.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Is that why like money secrecy can feel as painful
as like a romantic betrayal Because I've talked to some
people that feel really like.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Like it is it is really a difficult thing to
deal with.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
When you discover some you know, financial infidelity or betrayal.
But does it all come down to the same emotions
or the basic needs like you were saying before.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
I think for a lot of people it does. It
really does. It's it can be devastating. I mean, I'm
you know, I'm not talking about any specific clients or situations,
but you know, whether someone has a gambling addiction and
it means losing your home or your your children's education fund,
(05:47):
that can cause a significant trauma, which I would say
could be PTSD. You think about your nervous system, you
think about hypervigilance, You think about then not trusting your
partner and how is that going to be going forward?
So now your partner has to earn that tress back
and help repair, which is a whole other piece.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, So when it comes to you know, and I
think there is you know, there's obviously a lot of
shame and guilts around this behavior. But what would you
say in your work when you work with people who
do maybe start to are there any signs or any
things that people should be aware of or maybe look
out for if they feel like there is maybe you know,
(06:32):
an interest that now is maybe slowly becoming a compulsive
habit or addiction when it comes to you know, your partner,
because sometimes we have blinders on and I feel like
people feel like, oh, there was you know, this happened
out of the blue, or I had no idea that.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
This was happening.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
But is there anything that you think that people maybe
should be you know, on the lookout for, maybe aware
of when it comes to behavior like this.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
Definitely, And actually I just recently talked about betrayal blindness,
which is which is also an issue. I think. So
there are two things. So you could perhaps have a
gut feeling that something is off. You might notice a
change in behavior in your partner. You may notice they're
more irritable. They could be, you know, a little more isolating.
(07:21):
They could be more into themselves. They're not really engaging
with the family or with you. You know, if you
have kids, maybe they're not spending as much time with
the kids. That would be that would be a red flag.
That would be something I would I would say, well,
you know, what's going on? And if you were to
ask your partner, will you know, are you okay? What's
is there something you want to talk about and they
brush it off, they downplay it, or they gas like you,
(07:45):
then I would definitely do some more investigation into that.
But some people who have called the trail blindness, I
didn't make up the term, but it you know, some
people it's too scary to confront their partner about it,
and that usually goes back to their own childhood trauma.
But change in behavior, for sure, if if there is
(08:09):
like if you do have access to the accounts and
you notice some strange payments have gone through or missing
money or anything like that, then I would I would
ask the questions.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, no, And I think that that is something and
I tell people to like look at accounts and look
at spending and look at these statements all the time.
And there's a huge reluctance sometimes for people to do that.
And I think that we sometimes don't want we don't
want to know in some ways until like we have to,
or sometimes people don't pay attention until there's a divorce
(08:42):
or there's something massive that makes them pay attention. But
I do think that that is some some good like
red flags to look out for if behavior starts to
change or you are seeing some you know, different recurring
expenses because I always do kind of think about things
from this financial lens.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Can't help it. But addictions are expensive.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Typically, can you tell me what your your thoughts are
about what people would potentially like how that behavior becomes
something where maybe somebody would start to dip into a
child's college fund or risk their house, Like, how do
you how does it get to that point when you're
when you're working with people that are kind of like
experiencing those kind of behaviors because a lot of times people,
(09:27):
you know, it doesn't start out that way in the relationship.
So I'm curious from your perspective kind of what happens
that makes people feel like that is the option that
they need to do.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
Yeah, I know, it's a great question. Addictions are very
powerful and if you are Let's take a gambling addiction
for example. So now it's more accessible, you can use
your phone, right, it's it's you know, in Canada we
have online gambling. In the US you have online gambling,
and that just makes it a lot scarier for for partners.
(10:02):
But for someone struggling with the addiction, that accessibility that
dopamine hit, they just get It's that cycle of addiction,
and then there's usually shame and guilt in that cycle
as well, but it just keeps feeding itself and the
accessibility is scary, and I think that's a big no.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
And I think that that's something that we've definitely seen
an increase in with gambling, with the sex addiction. I mean,
I think I saw some staggering number about what I
think it was mister Beast or somebody was spending on
only fans a month.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
It was millions. It was massive amounts of money.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
And I just, you know, I even you know, I
feel like even just more people being on their phone
so much, it is really you are able to do this,
you know, privately.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
It's very different.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Than having to like go out and go to Vegas
to gamble or go have an affair with somebody. It's
just but I I feel like the financial impact and
the emotional impact can be just as just as damaging
when even though it's maybe something that's happening like right
with the person sitting on the couch next to you
in the living room, which is just crazy to think.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Of how that's changed.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
It is. No, it's really scary and actually, in the
sex addiction world, once a betrayed partner finds out about
their partner's addiction. We have this process called a disclosure,
and part of that disclosure involves the finances, So everything,
every penny that was spent on that addiction is brought
(11:38):
forward to the portrayed partner so that they're aware. And
often the addict really struggles with finding those numbers and
writing them down and having to face their partner with
those amounts of money, because it can be it can
be staggering and very.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Scary and what is the what world does a shameplay
and hidden spending debt?
Speaker 4 (12:00):
From your perspective, the shame it comes from childhood trauma,
but it plays a huge role whenever there's secrecy. I
would people often ask me, well, how do you know
if it's an addiction, Well, if you're if you're tiding it,
if you feel shame and guilt after you do whatever
it is, whether it's a substance or gambling or or
(12:24):
a sex addiction, then it's most likely an addiction because
it's probably affect to your family, could be effect to
your job. It's probably changed your your personality in terms
of anger, irritability, isolation, and that that isolation which happens
(12:46):
with the shame, I think then causes a bigger I
was called it like a crack in the foundation in
a relationship. So that's that's it's it's hard, it's very hard,
and I always encouraged try to find a therapist. Unfortunately,
usually people hit rock bottom they get discovered. I would
(13:08):
call it, you know, a discovery d day in our world,
and that's a devastating day for for a tray partner.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
And for the avage no.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And I feel like I don't necessarily always see that
because when people come to a financial planner, they're willing
to you know, turn over.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
You know, the books show everything.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And I have seen some people who really do want
to engage and their partners are reluctant, and usually it
ends up that they don't move forward, or they say
can I just do my stuff?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Can you just help me?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And I feel like, you know, sometimes that's a control thing,
but other times it could be because there might be
things that they don't want brought to the surface yet.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
So I do feel like that's.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Occasionally a red flag that has kind of come up
with with certain clients where somebody is really hoping for
a third party to come in and help.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
So it's interesting that you have.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
That discovery day because that is probably what I see
that more is, you know, in divorce proceedings when all
of the things, the cards are on the table and
it's shocking, but I feel like there is sometimes work
that can be done during the relationship to help repair.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
It if there is that willingness to you know, to
communicate about it.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So, you know, have you seen anything that's been like,
you know, successful or helpful for somebody who maybe feels
like they might be headed down a path that is
going to get, you know, very painful, Anything that that's
kind of helped make partners like recover from you know,
these types of addictive betay.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean one thing first of all
is getting help and for you to be completely honest,
full disclosure, not hiding anything. When you actually talk about
everything that you have done that is a betrayal in
a relationship, It lifts a big weight off of view
(15:02):
and that is the first step to moving forward into
healing and then to help your betrayed partner is a
big part of it as well. But you know what,
I always encouraged individual therapy and the couple's therapy. I
work with a lot of couples as well. Communication and
vulnerability is huge. That's that's really the key.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, you mentioned, And I'm just curious about this. I
have two children, and you mentioned, you know, childhood trauma
having a lot of impact on all of these things.
And I'm curious, like do partners not talk about like
should this be brought up sooner as you know about
like certain things, because sometimes I'll ask people just when
(15:48):
I meet them, you know, what money was like for
them growing up, and they'll usually tell me, and there's
usually there's usually shame and guilt somewhere, whether it's I
had everything and and I never had to pay any
bills or debt, and I feel bad that my partner
had to, or that everybody else I knew had student
loans or something, or we had nothing, and I'm terrified
(16:09):
of running out of money. I've rarely meet somebody who
says like money was great, like we had a perfect really,
you know, like I have a very healthy Like there's usually.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Some something happens. So can you explain to me, like
when you.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Say like childhood trauma, like is that necessarily an event
or is it sometimes just you know, some beliefs or
feelings that we hold on too that don't serve us.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
And it usually it's more of a small TA trauma,
So it's it's not like a huge event where that.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Like we lost our house in fire or everybody got
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
I mean that does happen. I hear that a lot,
but it's usually you know, my dad worked two jobs,
and my mom and dad always thought about money. And
you when you're a child, your brain absorbs every thing.
Your nervous system absorbs everything. So if you grew up
in a household where there was always this fear around
(17:05):
money and there's not enough, of course you're going to
take that into your your adult life and your relationship.
But I think it's important for couples when they start
off in their relationship to have difficult conversations. You know,
do you want to have kids? Do you know what
what's your what are your spending habits? Do you have
(17:26):
fear or anxiety around money? You know, what are your expectations?
I think those conversations should really be had early on.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, no, I agree, And I think it's helpful sometimes
even just to understand where someone's coming from. And I
feel like, you know, I had more scarcity and you know,
financial you know.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Ups and downs, and my husband does so he understands it.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Sometimes he might not panic about anything because he's like
it always works out. And I'm like, that's at least
I know why he feels that way, and it's not
he's wrong, I'm right, Like of course he's oh, he's
seen theme work out where I've seen things not work out,
and so but I feel like just even having that
baseline understanding of like, yeoh, okay, this is gonna this
(18:10):
is why we see this totally differently, and like neither
one of us is right right.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
It's there is no right. It's just a lens that
we look at these things through.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But sometimes we do feel right, like no, I'm right,
we should save everybody because life that's scary, and you know,
and other people might say, no, we should spend because
we need to live a little because maybe their parents
didn't live past sixty who knows, you know, Like there's
all these different things that I think, and it's interesting,
the small ta trauma. I think that that's that's because
(18:43):
it's good to think about that because sometimes we're looking
for like the capital t trauma math, and it's not
always like you know, I'm sure that my children will have.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Some small tea trauma when I might be like.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Your lives are real, everything is fine, but that is
just something that we all.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Care yeah, for sure. And it can change throughout your
life too, like if there's an illness or an injury,
or you know, you have a sick loved one and
you're helping them and so that can either activate that
trauma and really trigger it from your childhood, or maybe
something is shifted where you let go of some things
(19:23):
and you think, Okay, no, actually I do want to
live my life. So it's good to revisit those conversations
and reassess. I'm sure with your clients you say, okay,
let's let's let's sit down and see what how where
you're at and how you're feeling.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah. No, it's definitely something that comes up a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
And usually usually when we start, somebody feels like they're their.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Way is right and the other way is around.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
And I'm curious because, especially with the addiction and the
behaviors that we're talking about, like how would you put
boundaries around certain things like say, get gambling or sports
like should couples talk about like what is okay and
what crosses a line?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Because I can't imagine that being.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
An easy conversation if you want to have some autonomy,
not be a nagging why for if you don't want
to be, you know, like a controlling husband, but like,
how how do you do that when it comes to
things like like pornography or gambling or things like that
in a way that like feels.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Reasonable.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Yes, And I hear that a lot too. I think
it's that fear goes back to that fear of well,
I don't wanna I don't want to seem control, you know,
or I don't want to see it like a nag
or you know. But if something isn't sitting, well, it's
okay to use your voice, it's okay to talk about it,
right even if because that those uncomfortable conversations actually strengthen
your bond. So like for example, with with gambling, like
(20:55):
let's say you buy twenty dollars worth of lottery tickets
a week and you've never really talked to your partner
about it, and your partner would probably freak out or
maybe they would think it's okay, but you don't know
that's why it's good to talk about it, or that
could ramp up and suddenly you're placing bats on sports,
you know, how don't you need to talk about it?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah? No, I think that.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And I think there is you know, a level of
comfort that people have with certain things. Some people might
you know. I remember working with somebody that was like, yeah,
my husband goes to the stroke.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
Club every Friday, and I'm like, really, like, and that's fine,
but it was fine. She didn't care and like really
honestly like didn't care.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
And then like you know, occasionally when there's a powerball thing,
like I'll see like these tickets and I don't care
about that because it's like it felt more like okay, entertainment,
not like a you know, an issue. Yeah, but I
feel like that's that's where maybe the red flags that
you talked about before, like when things start to escalate
or it's not just a couple scratch off tickets, it's
(21:58):
charges multiple times.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
But yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Feel like there is some like there there is always
this pressure when it comes to you know, being you know,
a parent or a spouse or a partner to not
want to overstep, but also then maybe silently building this
animosity or this frustration. Eventually, like you said, there's like
(22:23):
a tipping point or a breaking point that happens.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
So I think communications can be so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
What are some communication tips that you share with clients
that maybe you want to start a conversation without making
it a huge vibe.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
So I suggest this all the time. Not everybody takes
my advice, but this is very well known in the
couple's therapy world. It's called the state of the union.
So I called a weekly check in just to simplify it,
and I suggest pick a time like a Sunday after breakfast,
when everyone's in sort of neutral, nobody's got their back,
and have a conversation where each of you feels heard.
(23:05):
So whatever it is, you know I, you know I,
and always use the eyes I feel not don't use
the us because obviously you're going to get your backup.
So when you have that safe time, you feel like
it's not going to be an argument, it's not going
to lead into something where you can talk about whether
it's finances or work or the kids or whatever it is.
(23:28):
I think that's a really good strategy.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yeah, no, I agree, and I think I spoke with
another guest about money dates, and it is like scheduled,
not just when you feel stressed about money and decide
that it's time to talk, because your partner might not
feel like it is time to talk and you might start,
you know, unloading. It's just usually not that effective to
(23:52):
have it be like when you're heated, when you're like
I just looked at this statement, like it's so having
that kind of of I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Set aside weekly time.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I think where people can bring you know, where they
could bring things up if there's something to us can
be really.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Really helpful, and like set aside that time to make
that a priority.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I think that can be Definitely, it's just a good
practice things I think for people to start getting used
to having these kind of conversations because it doesn't it
doesn't feel awkward if you do it every week.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
Yeah, they take fifteen minutes. It's really are it's not.
In the big picture, it'll help prevent resentment building, and
I would say resentment is not a good place.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Yeah, and you you also spent some years as a
fitness trainer and a yoga teacher and a wellness coach.
I'm curious about how some of this that we've talked
about can impact people's physical health and their you know,
their their health, how they feel it in their body,
and are there any things that you have people look
(25:01):
at that are like maybe maybe they feel like it's
their physical health is the issue, but maybe you know
to kind of dig deeper to see how this all
can have an impact on everything that we do.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:12):
I believe in the mind body connection. So if you're
feeling stressed, or you're feeling anxious or triggered by something,
it can have an effect. So you might notice your
chronic pain flares, or if you have IBS or you
have more migraines, maybe you're sleeping is disrupted. Check in
(25:34):
with yourself, Okay, what's going on? What's different? Am I
anxious about something new? I always encourage mindfulness and exercise.
I always say go for a walk, be outside if
you can. It's very grounding. It's good for your mental health,
your physical health. So looking after all the parts and
(25:55):
in a relationship, also giving each other space to have
that self care.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, no, I think that is always a good. I
like having some part of the budget dedicated to your
health and well being, whether it's somebody likes to, you know,
go to yoga class or meditation at all the things
that sometimes people feel like, oh should I cut that?
Is that necessarily Like, I feel like that's such a
(26:24):
good It's you know, if you're able to calm your
nervous system or find ways to do that, I feel
like it makes everything a little bit more approachable and
easier to manage. So I like that, you know, the
thought of you know, okay, yeah, maybe you don't think
that anything's wrong, but you're having more migraines, you're not sleeping,
your body will tell you there is you know, we
(26:46):
need to address something, even if you try to power
through that whatever you're feeling. Before we wrap up, I'm
just curious, from your perspective, can these types of betrayals
ever strengthen a relationship?
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Funny enough, yes, I often say this can make your
relationship better than it could have ever been, because for
the first time, you're having real conversations. Because if you
grew up in a household where parents kept everything service
level and you didn't really talk about things, and you
take that into your relationship as an adult, and there's
(27:21):
all the secrecy and not really having conversations when this explodes,
and this betrayal happens, and you learn to communicate effectively,
and you learn to be more vulnerable and connect and
make time for each other. You can have an amazing relationship.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, and what would you say, like a financially or
emotionally healthy relationship looks like if somebody is thinking, yeah,
you know, there might be some things that I can
improve on or I want to you know, I love
my partner, I want to make this work. I'm in
a new relationship. What are some of the things that
you feel like are healthy and you know, and maybe
(28:02):
that doesn't mean like avoiding fighting all the time or
avoiding everything, but like, what are some things that you
think are healthy or good practices for people to.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Do aside from just the you know, the state of
the union.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
But what does normal feel like if maybe they didn't
have that example growing up?
Speaker 4 (28:17):
So I think having time for connection is crucial, like
date nights, getting off your phone, stop doom scrolling, and
spend time with your partner, being present, don't be afraid
to have difficult conversations, bring issues forward, don't let them
faster and grow, and have time for fun, Like you know,
(28:42):
we have enough heaviness in the world and stress, and
you know, make sure that you have time to have
some fun and also time apart, like have your own thing,
have your own friends, and your own life and sports
and activities, and then it gives you a chance to
miss each other.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, I think that that those are really really great tips,
especially you know, the time for connection, because I feel like, yeah,
a lot of times you're sitting in the same room
with somebody and you feel like you're together, but you're not.
You're both looking at your little screens while the big
screen is on in front of you both and you're
not connected. It's it's it's not the same as a
(29:20):
date night or having fun an adventure or.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Something like that.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Is just different and it's super important, even if it
does require.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Money, Like that's okay.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I think that's what like, we should be mindful of
our spending and use that for those connections.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
And I love the idea of time apart too.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I think it is good when people have separate interests,
separate friends, and can if you have that feeling of
you know, wanting to come home and talk to your
partner about the things that you know, what happened today
and so I think those are all amazing tips. If
anybody is interested in, you know, following you or learning
more about your work, can you tell us where they
can find more.
Speaker 4 (29:58):
Yes. So my instagram is Intuitive Healing with Sara. I
have a website into Coaching with Sara, and I'm on LinkedIn,
sorrow Stalker.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Thank you so much for joining.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
It was really interesting to talk to you about this,
and for anyone listening, if you are trying to maybe
do some work on your own, you know, money history
and thoughts and feelings, head over to Missy Lynch dot com.
I'd love for you to grab a copy of my
book Demystifying Money, where there are some journal prompts that
you can use that start to really poke at those
questions and thoughts that you have about money that you
(30:31):
might feel are true. And then if you start doing
that work on yourself, it can make all all of
the relationships in your life with your partner, with your children,
with your boss easier because you have, you know, just
a better perspective of your own thoughts and feelings. So
thank you so much for joining, and we'll talk again
next week. Thanks thank you for joining us on another
(30:52):
insightful episode. Of Demisti Buying Money. If you enjoyed this episode,
please subscribe, rate and leave a review. Don't forget to
share with friends, family, and together, let's demystify the.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
World of money.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
Stay tuned for more engaging conversations on our next episode,
and remember knowledge is the key to financial empowerment.
Welcome to the demist Defying Money podcast, where each week
you will hear unforgettable conversations with expert guests about success, money, business,
and small steps you can take to elevate your life
and wealth. Now here's your host, Misty Lynch.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hello everyone, thank you so much for joining us for
the Demistifying Money Podcast. I'm your host, Misty Lynch, and
today I'm joined by Sara Stalker. She is a triple
threat in the healing space. She's a licensed psychotherapist, a
specialized addiction expert, and an intuitive coach. She has credentials
in both sex addiction, multiple addictions, and eating disorders, and
(00:37):
specializes in complex intersections where betrayal, trauma meets disordered coping mechanisms.
I was really interested in talking with Sara today because
while all of the work that she's doing with addiction
and behavior, it might sound like it doesn't have much
to do when demistifying money or finances. But I believe
(01:00):
that there is a lot of behaviors that do have
a very direct financial impact on people's lives, and I
think that it's a really complicated topic to potentially approach,
and so I thought it would be great to speak
with her about her tips and advice for dealing with
this behavior if it's you, if it's your partner, if
(01:22):
it's your child, and really trying to dig into what's
changing out there in the environment and the access that
we have to all of these potentially addictive types of
activities and behavior out there.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
So, Sara, thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Thank you so much for having me, Miss dear, I
really appreciate it.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
This episode of Demystifying Money with mis Dy Lynch is
proudly sponsored by Soundview Financial Advisors. Visit www dot Soundview
financial Advisors dot com to learn more.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
I'd love to hear a little bit about how you
got into the work that you do and what kind
of brought you towards wanting to help people with addiction
in particular.
Speaker 4 (02:07):
So I have my own personal experience being with a
partner who struggled with a couple of addictions, and I
know how hard it can be as a betrayed partner
and not having support out there. It's there's so much
shame and guilt with the person who's struggling with addiction,
but partners also struggle with shame and guilt, and it's
(02:30):
often very isolating. They don't want to talk to other
people about it, they don't want to be judged, they
don't want their partner to be judged. So I felt
like I needed to do this work to help people.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, I feel like a lot of us kind of
come to our careers by feeling that that calling. And
you know, I feel like, especially the perspective that you
mentioned being important, because yes, there's you know, somebody dealing
with addiction, but also the people around and the people
the partners have there's an impact there too, But there's
still the same shame, the same guilt as if this
(03:07):
was your own experience, but it's just different. So when
I think about financial betrayal and trust, you know, I
typically think about people who are maybe spending money on you.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Know, on affairs, or hiding money or.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Stealing like taking it, and so I feel like that
tends to impact a person's sense of like safety and
security when they feel like there's been a financial betrayal
going on.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
But I'm curious from your perspective.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Like, how do you define financial betrayal from like the
psychological and the relationship perspective.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
So financial betrayal is exactly what you said, it's violating
that safety, that sense of safety because when you get
into a partnership with somebody, you are usually giving your
heart and your soul in the relationship and trusting that
person with with everything. It's not just about about the
(04:05):
the relationship, like you know, the sexual component, you have kids,
but then the finances is a huge sense of safety.
And whether it's a childhood trauma piece or it's something
that that isn't related to childhood trauma, there is that
need for security. So when someone gaslights you the betrayed
(04:30):
you know if you have I would say trust your guts.
If your gut says something is off and you ask
your partner a question about looking at an account or
how come this money is missing? And a gaslight you,
then that also causes more insecurity and feelings of betrayal,
and if you have it can it can actually lead
(04:52):
to PTSD. Yeah, it's it's really scary because let's be honest,
money makes the world go around. It is what we
need to survive.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Is that why like money secrecy can feel as painful
as like a romantic betrayal Because I've talked to some
people that feel really like.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Like it is it is really a difficult thing to
deal with.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
When you discover some you know, financial infidelity or betrayal.
But does it all come down to the same emotions
or the basic needs like you were saying before.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
I think for a lot of people it does. It
really does. It's it can be devastating. I mean, I'm
you know, I'm not talking about any specific clients or situations,
but you know, whether someone has a gambling addiction and
it means losing your home or your your children's education fund,
(05:47):
that can cause a significant trauma, which I would say
could be PTSD. You think about your nervous system, you
think about hypervigilance, You think about then not trusting your
partner and how is that going to be going forward?
So now your partner has to earn that tress back
and help repair, which is a whole other piece.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, So when it comes to you know, and I
think there is you know, there's obviously a lot of
shame and guilts around this behavior. But what would you
say in your work when you work with people who
do maybe start to are there any signs or any
things that people should be aware of or maybe look
out for if they feel like there is maybe you know,
(06:32):
an interest that now is maybe slowly becoming a compulsive
habit or addiction when it comes to you know, your partner,
because sometimes we have blinders on and I feel like
people feel like, oh, there was you know, this happened
out of the blue, or I had no idea that.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
This was happening.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
But is there anything that you think that people maybe
should be you know, on the lookout for, maybe aware
of when it comes to behavior like this.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
Definitely, And actually I just recently talked about betrayal blindness,
which is which is also an issue. I think. So
there are two things. So you could perhaps have a
gut feeling that something is off. You might notice a
change in behavior in your partner. You may notice they're
more irritable. They could be, you know, a little more isolating.
(07:21):
They could be more into themselves. They're not really engaging
with the family or with you. You know, if you
have kids, maybe they're not spending as much time with
the kids. That would be that would be a red flag.
That would be something I would I would say, well,
you know, what's going on? And if you were to
ask your partner, will you know, are you okay? What's
is there something you want to talk about and they
brush it off, they downplay it, or they gas like you,
(07:45):
then I would definitely do some more investigation into that.
But some people who have called the trail blindness, I
didn't make up the term, but it you know, some
people it's too scary to confront their partner about it,
and that usually goes back to their own childhood trauma.
But change in behavior, for sure, if if there is
(08:09):
like if you do have access to the accounts and
you notice some strange payments have gone through or missing
money or anything like that, then I would I would
ask the questions.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, no, And I think that that is something and
I tell people to like look at accounts and look
at spending and look at these statements all the time.
And there's a huge reluctance sometimes for people to do that.
And I think that we sometimes don't want we don't
want to know in some ways until like we have to,
or sometimes people don't pay attention until there's a divorce
(08:42):
or there's something massive that makes them pay attention. But
I do think that that is some some good like
red flags to look out for if behavior starts to
change or you are seeing some you know, different recurring
expenses because I always do kind of think about things
from this financial lens.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Can't help it. But addictions are expensive.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Typically, can you tell me what your your thoughts are
about what people would potentially like how that behavior becomes
something where maybe somebody would start to dip into a
child's college fund or risk their house, Like, how do
you how does it get to that point when you're
when you're working with people that are kind of like
experiencing those kind of behaviors because a lot of times people,
(09:27):
you know, it doesn't start out that way in the relationship.
So I'm curious from your perspective kind of what happens
that makes people feel like that is the option that
they need to do.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
Yeah, I know, it's a great question. Addictions are very
powerful and if you are Let's take a gambling addiction
for example. So now it's more accessible, you can use
your phone, right, it's it's you know, in Canada we
have online gambling. In the US you have online gambling,
and that just makes it a lot scarier for for partners.
(10:02):
But for someone struggling with the addiction, that accessibility that
dopamine hit, they just get It's that cycle of addiction,
and then there's usually shame and guilt in that cycle
as well, but it just keeps feeding itself and the
accessibility is scary, and I think that's a big no.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
And I think that that's something that we've definitely seen
an increase in with gambling, with the sex addiction. I mean,
I think I saw some staggering number about what I
think it was mister Beast or somebody was spending on
only fans a month.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
It was millions. It was massive amounts of money.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
And I just, you know, I even you know, I
feel like even just more people being on their phone
so much, it is really you are able to do this,
you know, privately.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
It's very different.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Than having to like go out and go to Vegas
to gamble or go have an affair with somebody. It's
just but I I feel like the financial impact and
the emotional impact can be just as just as damaging
when even though it's maybe something that's happening like right
with the person sitting on the couch next to you
in the living room, which is just crazy to think.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Of how that's changed.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
It is. No, it's really scary and actually, in the
sex addiction world, once a betrayed partner finds out about
their partner's addiction. We have this process called a disclosure,
and part of that disclosure involves the finances, So everything,
every penny that was spent on that addiction is brought
(11:38):
forward to the portrayed partner so that they're aware. And
often the addict really struggles with finding those numbers and
writing them down and having to face their partner with
those amounts of money, because it can be it can
be staggering and very.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Scary and what is the what world does a shameplay
and hidden spending debt?
Speaker 4 (12:00):
From your perspective, the shame it comes from childhood trauma,
but it plays a huge role whenever there's secrecy. I
would people often ask me, well, how do you know
if it's an addiction, Well, if you're if you're tiding it,
if you feel shame and guilt after you do whatever
it is, whether it's a substance or gambling or or
(12:24):
a sex addiction, then it's most likely an addiction because
it's probably affect to your family, could be effect to
your job. It's probably changed your your personality in terms
of anger, irritability, isolation, and that that isolation which happens
(12:46):
with the shame, I think then causes a bigger I
was called it like a crack in the foundation in
a relationship. So that's that's it's it's hard, it's very hard,
and I always encouraged try to find a therapist. Unfortunately,
usually people hit rock bottom they get discovered. I would
(13:08):
call it, you know, a discovery d day in our world,
and that's a devastating day for for a tray partner.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
And for the avage no.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And I feel like I don't necessarily always see that
because when people come to a financial planner, they're willing
to you know, turn over.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
You know, the books show everything.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And I have seen some people who really do want
to engage and their partners are reluctant, and usually it
ends up that they don't move forward, or they say
can I just do my stuff?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Can you just help me?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And I feel like, you know, sometimes that's a control thing,
but other times it could be because there might be
things that they don't want brought to the surface yet.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
So I do feel like that's.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Occasionally a red flag that has kind of come up
with with certain clients where somebody is really hoping for
a third party to come in and help.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
So it's interesting that you have.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
That discovery day because that is probably what I see
that more is, you know, in divorce proceedings when all
of the things, the cards are on the table and
it's shocking, but I feel like there is sometimes work
that can be done during the relationship to help repair.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
It if there is that willingness to you know, to
communicate about it.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So, you know, have you seen anything that's been like,
you know, successful or helpful for somebody who maybe feels
like they might be headed down a path that is
going to get, you know, very painful, Anything that that's
kind of helped make partners like recover from you know,
these types of addictive betay.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean one thing first of all
is getting help and for you to be completely honest,
full disclosure, not hiding anything. When you actually talk about
everything that you have done that is a betrayal in
a relationship, It lifts a big weight off of view
(15:02):
and that is the first step to moving forward into
healing and then to help your betrayed partner is a
big part of it as well. But you know what,
I always encouraged individual therapy and the couple's therapy. I
work with a lot of couples as well. Communication and
vulnerability is huge. That's that's really the key.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, you mentioned, And I'm just curious about this. I
have two children, and you mentioned, you know, childhood trauma
having a lot of impact on all of these things.
And I'm curious, like do partners not talk about like
should this be brought up sooner as you know about
like certain things, because sometimes I'll ask people just when
(15:48):
I meet them, you know, what money was like for
them growing up, and they'll usually tell me, and there's
usually there's usually shame and guilt somewhere, whether it's I
had everything and and I never had to pay any
bills or debt, and I feel bad that my partner
had to, or that everybody else I knew had student
loans or something, or we had nothing, and I'm terrified
(16:09):
of running out of money. I've rarely meet somebody who
says like money was great, like we had a perfect really,
you know, like I have a very healthy Like there's usually.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Some something happens. So can you explain to me, like
when you.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Say like childhood trauma, like is that necessarily an event
or is it sometimes just you know, some beliefs or
feelings that we hold on too that don't serve us.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
And it usually it's more of a small TA trauma,
So it's it's not like a huge event where that.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Like we lost our house in fire or everybody got
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
I mean that does happen. I hear that a lot,
but it's usually you know, my dad worked two jobs,
and my mom and dad always thought about money. And
you when you're a child, your brain absorbs every thing.
Your nervous system absorbs everything. So if you grew up
in a household where there was always this fear around
(17:05):
money and there's not enough, of course you're going to
take that into your your adult life and your relationship.
But I think it's important for couples when they start
off in their relationship to have difficult conversations. You know,
do you want to have kids? Do you know what
what's your what are your spending habits? Do you have
(17:26):
fear or anxiety around money? You know, what are your expectations?
I think those conversations should really be had early on.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, no, I agree, And I think it's helpful sometimes
even just to understand where someone's coming from. And I
feel like, you know, I had more scarcity and you know,
financial you know.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Ups and downs, and my husband does so he understands it.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Sometimes he might not panic about anything because he's like
it always works out. And I'm like, that's at least
I know why he feels that way, and it's not
he's wrong, I'm right, Like of course he's oh, he's
seen theme work out where I've seen things not work out,
and so but I feel like just even having that
baseline understanding of like, yeoh, okay, this is gonna this
(18:10):
is why we see this totally differently, and like neither
one of us is right right.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
It's there is no right. It's just a lens that
we look at these things through.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But sometimes we do feel right, like no, I'm right,
we should save everybody because life that's scary, and you know,
and other people might say, no, we should spend because
we need to live a little because maybe their parents
didn't live past sixty who knows, you know, Like there's
all these different things that I think, and it's interesting,
the small ta trauma. I think that that's that's because
(18:43):
it's good to think about that because sometimes we're looking
for like the capital t trauma math, and it's not
always like you know, I'm sure that my children will have.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Some small tea trauma when I might be like.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Your lives are real, everything is fine, but that is
just something that we all.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Care yeah, for sure. And it can change throughout your
life too, like if there's an illness or an injury,
or you know, you have a sick loved one and
you're helping them and so that can either activate that
trauma and really trigger it from your childhood, or maybe
something is shifted where you let go of some things
(19:23):
and you think, Okay, no, actually I do want to
live my life. So it's good to revisit those conversations
and reassess. I'm sure with your clients you say, okay,
let's let's let's sit down and see what how where
you're at and how you're feeling.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah. No, it's definitely something that comes up a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
And usually usually when we start, somebody feels like they're their.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Way is right and the other way is around.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
And I'm curious because, especially with the addiction and the
behaviors that we're talking about, like how would you put
boundaries around certain things like say, get gambling or sports
like should couples talk about like what is okay and
what crosses a line?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Because I can't imagine that being.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
An easy conversation if you want to have some autonomy,
not be a nagging why for if you don't want
to be, you know, like a controlling husband, but like,
how how do you do that when it comes to
things like like pornography or gambling or things like that
in a way that like feels.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Reasonable.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Yes, And I hear that a lot too. I think
it's that fear goes back to that fear of well,
I don't wanna I don't want to seem control, you know,
or I don't want to see it like a nag
or you know. But if something isn't sitting, well, it's
okay to use your voice, it's okay to talk about it,
right even if because that those uncomfortable conversations actually strengthen
your bond. So like for example, with with gambling, like
(20:55):
let's say you buy twenty dollars worth of lottery tickets
a week and you've never really talked to your partner
about it, and your partner would probably freak out or
maybe they would think it's okay, but you don't know
that's why it's good to talk about it, or that
could ramp up and suddenly you're placing bats on sports,
you know, how don't you need to talk about it?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah? No, I think that.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And I think there is you know, a level of
comfort that people have with certain things. Some people might
you know. I remember working with somebody that was like, yeah,
my husband goes to the stroke.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
Club every Friday, and I'm like, really, like, and that's fine,
but it was fine. She didn't care and like really
honestly like didn't care.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
And then like you know, occasionally when there's a powerball thing,
like I'll see like these tickets and I don't care
about that because it's like it felt more like okay, entertainment,
not like a you know, an issue. Yeah, but I
feel like that's that's where maybe the red flags that
you talked about before, like when things start to escalate
or it's not just a couple scratch off tickets, it's
(21:58):
charges multiple times.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
But yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Feel like there is some like there there is always
this pressure when it comes to you know, being you know,
a parent or a spouse or a partner to not
want to overstep, but also then maybe silently building this
animosity or this frustration. Eventually, like you said, there's like
(22:23):
a tipping point or a breaking point that happens.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
So I think communications can be so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
What are some communication tips that you share with clients
that maybe you want to start a conversation without making
it a huge vibe.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
So I suggest this all the time. Not everybody takes
my advice, but this is very well known in the
couple's therapy world. It's called the state of the union.
So I called a weekly check in just to simplify it,
and I suggest pick a time like a Sunday after breakfast,
when everyone's in sort of neutral, nobody's got their back,
and have a conversation where each of you feels heard.
(23:05):
So whatever it is, you know I, you know I,
and always use the eyes I feel not don't use
the us because obviously you're going to get your backup.
So when you have that safe time, you feel like
it's not going to be an argument, it's not going
to lead into something where you can talk about whether
it's finances or work or the kids or whatever it is.
(23:28):
I think that's a really good strategy.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yeah, no, I agree, and I think I spoke with
another guest about money dates, and it is like scheduled,
not just when you feel stressed about money and decide
that it's time to talk, because your partner might not
feel like it is time to talk and you might start,
you know, unloading. It's just usually not that effective to
(23:52):
have it be like when you're heated, when you're like
I just looked at this statement, like it's so having
that kind of of I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Set aside weekly time.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I think where people can bring you know, where they
could bring things up if there's something to us can
be really.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Really helpful, and like set aside that time to make
that a priority.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I think that can be Definitely, it's just a good
practice things I think for people to start getting used
to having these kind of conversations because it doesn't it
doesn't feel awkward if you do it every week.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
Yeah, they take fifteen minutes. It's really are it's not.
In the big picture, it'll help prevent resentment building, and
I would say resentment is not a good place.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Yeah, and you you also spent some years as a
fitness trainer and a yoga teacher and a wellness coach.
I'm curious about how some of this that we've talked
about can impact people's physical health and their you know,
their their health, how they feel it in their body,
and are there any things that you have people look
(25:01):
at that are like maybe maybe they feel like it's
their physical health is the issue, but maybe you know
to kind of dig deeper to see how this all
can have an impact on everything that we do.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:12):
I believe in the mind body connection. So if you're
feeling stressed, or you're feeling anxious or triggered by something,
it can have an effect. So you might notice your
chronic pain flares, or if you have IBS or you
have more migraines, maybe you're sleeping is disrupted. Check in
(25:34):
with yourself, Okay, what's going on? What's different? Am I
anxious about something new? I always encourage mindfulness and exercise.
I always say go for a walk, be outside if
you can. It's very grounding. It's good for your mental health,
your physical health. So looking after all the parts and
(25:55):
in a relationship, also giving each other space to have
that self care.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, no, I think that is always a good. I
like having some part of the budget dedicated to your
health and well being, whether it's somebody likes to, you know,
go to yoga class or meditation at all the things
that sometimes people feel like, oh should I cut that?
Is that necessarily Like, I feel like that's such a
(26:24):
good It's you know, if you're able to calm your
nervous system or find ways to do that, I feel
like it makes everything a little bit more approachable and
easier to manage. So I like that, you know, the
thought of you know, okay, yeah, maybe you don't think
that anything's wrong, but you're having more migraines, you're not sleeping,
your body will tell you there is you know, we
(26:46):
need to address something, even if you try to power
through that whatever you're feeling. Before we wrap up, I'm
just curious, from your perspective, can these types of betrayals
ever strengthen a relationship?
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Funny enough, yes, I often say this can make your
relationship better than it could have ever been, because for
the first time, you're having real conversations. Because if you
grew up in a household where parents kept everything service
level and you didn't really talk about things, and you
take that into your relationship as an adult, and there's
(27:21):
all the secrecy and not really having conversations when this explodes,
and this betrayal happens, and you learn to communicate effectively,
and you learn to be more vulnerable and connect and
make time for each other. You can have an amazing relationship.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, and what would you say, like a financially or
emotionally healthy relationship looks like if somebody is thinking, yeah,
you know, there might be some things that I can
improve on or I want to you know, I love
my partner, I want to make this work. I'm in
a new relationship. What are some of the things that
you feel like are healthy and you know, and maybe
(28:02):
that doesn't mean like avoiding fighting all the time or
avoiding everything, but like, what are some things that you
think are healthy or good practices for people to.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Do aside from just the you know, the state of
the union.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
But what does normal feel like if maybe they didn't
have that example growing up?
Speaker 4 (28:17):
So I think having time for connection is crucial, like
date nights, getting off your phone, stop doom scrolling, and
spend time with your partner, being present, don't be afraid
to have difficult conversations, bring issues forward, don't let them
faster and grow, and have time for fun, Like you know,
(28:42):
we have enough heaviness in the world and stress, and
you know, make sure that you have time to have
some fun and also time apart, like have your own thing,
have your own friends, and your own life and sports
and activities, and then it gives you a chance to
miss each other.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, I think that that those are really really great tips,
especially you know, the time for connection, because I feel like, yeah,
a lot of times you're sitting in the same room
with somebody and you feel like you're together, but you're not.
You're both looking at your little screens while the big
screen is on in front of you both and you're
not connected. It's it's it's not the same as a
(29:20):
date night or having fun an adventure or.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Something like that.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Is just different and it's super important, even if it
does require.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Money, Like that's okay.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I think that's what like, we should be mindful of
our spending and use that for those connections.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
And I love the idea of time apart too.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I think it is good when people have separate interests,
separate friends, and can if you have that feeling of
you know, wanting to come home and talk to your
partner about the things that you know, what happened today
and so I think those are all amazing tips. If
anybody is interested in, you know, following you or learning
more about your work, can you tell us where they
can find more.
Speaker 4 (29:58):
Yes. So my instagram is Intuitive Healing with Sara. I
have a website into Coaching with Sara, and I'm on LinkedIn,
sorrow Stalker.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Thank you so much for joining.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
It was really interesting to talk to you about this,
and for anyone listening, if you are trying to maybe
do some work on your own, you know, money history
and thoughts and feelings, head over to Missy Lynch dot com.
I'd love for you to grab a copy of my
book Demystifying Money, where there are some journal prompts that
you can use that start to really poke at those
questions and thoughts that you have about money that you
(30:31):
might feel are true. And then if you start doing
that work on yourself, it can make all all of
the relationships in your life with your partner, with your children,
with your boss easier because you have, you know, just
a better perspective of your own thoughts and feelings. So
thank you so much for joining, and we'll talk again
next week. Thanks thank you for joining us on another
(30:52):
insightful episode. Of Demisti Buying Money. If you enjoyed this episode,
please subscribe, rate and leave a review. Don't forget to
share with friends, family, and together, let's demystify the.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
World of money.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
Stay tuned for more engaging conversations on our next episode,
and remember knowledge is the key to financial empowerment.
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