March 19, 2026 • 11 mins
Man gets a DUI on an Electric Unicycle
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
One nine kbp I and your show time for stupid stories.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Y'all all stop. Yeah you are stupid stories brought to you.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
By Craft Macaroni and Cheese.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Woo, thank you, Thomas Jeffs. All right, man, let's get
into it. Gen Z has a new thing to be
triggered over.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Okay, what's triggering them now?
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Capital letters? No?
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Yeah, yeah, ten Z thinks capital letters are just.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Too intense, too intense.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Oh man, there's so many more things to be intense
in your life.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Just just give it time. Uh. The government has apparently
registered the domain aliens dot gov. Oh really, what's going
on there? Aliens?
Speaker 3 (00:56):
We're gonna get some alien news. A dog was abandoned
in Georgia with a note about how stupid the dog was.
Oh no, yeah, it said this dog is stupid. He
climbs fences, digs, runs from everyone, He peees and poofs
in the house. The good news is the dog is
(01:19):
with a shelter who says he's sweet and hopefully can
find a real human companion soon. He sounds a lot
like Yoda.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Yeah he training?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yeah? Who Yoda? Or you both of oru? This dog hospital,
Florida is suing a patient. So what what? Well?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
We normally hear stories about the patients suing the hospital.
We've never had a story where the hospital is suing
a patient. Why would a hospital sue a patient because
he was supposed to be discharged in October?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
But the guy just refuses to leave.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Oh he's been there for five months squatting in a hospital.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Yeah, seems a little odd.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
But all right, right, go home, dude.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I mean, why don't they just like give your clothes
and take go home.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Turn out the lights behind.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I mean, yeah, you could get that guy out of
the hospital. Hospital beds have wheels.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Stop feeding him.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yeah, just roll his ass right out front. You see
the hospital beds they lean up and everything way, all
the work is done for you, Scott wheels.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It inclines. What is this.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Dude doing or what those beds cost? I would hope
it could drive it out itself.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Get his ass out of there. Just just let him
stay there. That's your fault.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Somebody use this coin for bus fare. The coin.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Was minted by Phoenicians more than two thousand years ago.
It's a super rare coin, as somebody use it for
bus fare In California.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
The bus actually took it well, because a lot of
times they are just you know the little the little
box there and you throw it in, it spits out
the bad coins.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Well I guess maybe spit out the back coming in
the bush. I was like, keep this one right.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Smoking rates are at a historic loan in the United States,
but abroad there's an article out to Day that said
birds are getting hooked to a nicotine from discarded cigarette butts.
There they're actually craving cigarettes. Now, I just want to
(03:39):
point out if look, if you taught a.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Bird to smoke, I'm gonna go see that. I'll pay
for that. Like, that's for real. If you can make that,
not ai, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
This bird nest brought to you by cool menthols.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Come on, man, I mean.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Some people would frown on it, but of a bald
eagle that hangs out in my area would light up,
you know, a cool menthough I'd be like, that's the
coolest thing ever.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
An eagle with a camel hanging out of.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Is that a marblo red whoa?
Speaker 3 (04:18):
That's like we're talking the other day, like if you
saw early like you know, who's hot and smokes.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Nicoch came in, Oh, really.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah, I had no idea she smoked.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Oh yeah, yeah. Some girls.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
I don't know why I'm in there high when they
do that. Debbie Brandley man in high school. She has
a little five foot two, hot, little blonde chick, and
she had that raspy little voice off because she's been
smoking in like junior high.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Her mom didn't care.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Her mom was like, yeah, I mean, obviously, I grew
up where there was a smoking section in my high school.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
It was while kids smoked all time. You know. I
went to junior high and kids smoked. It's crazy think
about right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I guess I do remember kids smoking in junior high.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Yeah, man, totally yeah. No. Athey, Christopher Robbie feedback. They
both smoked. You know, it's funny to see kids in
eighth grade.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Hold on, man, before basketball practice, let me get a
smoke in. This is hysterical, all right, it's that time
you're getting. Spring Breakers are flocking to Florida beaches causing havoc.
I did see a video of spring break. Somebody had
a video clip of spring break from the late eighties
(05:38):
at Daytona Beach. Oh and in spring break today at
Daytona Beach. Both of them had tons and tons and
tons of people. Huge difference in the people wild to
see the difference. Man crazy. A Japanese man drove a
(05:59):
truck that was on fire directly to the fire station.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
He cut out the middleman.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
He drove this thing to the fire station while it
was a blade, just like, hey, hey, got coming in hot,
breaking the fire to you. Yeah, I thought that was
kind of fun. Police in Florida chatting with a twenty
eight year old suspect named Chase Cruise on Monday, and
he lived up to his name. They were just talking
to him. All of a sudden, this dude just takes
out running just books it. Huh no, just the middle conversation,
(06:27):
like I'm out of here, and there weren't a lot
of places to go. So this dumb dumb ran down
a dock and jumped into the Halifax River. Swam pretty
far in actually, but the two officers that were there like,
all right.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Well, let's go get him. So they borrowed some paddle
boats to catch up with him.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Oh nice, Uh yeah, they hauled him back in the shore.
He was charged with loitering proudly and resisting the rest,
like you don't have to take off in the middle
of the question to the email. All right, so here's
it's an interesting, well story, to say the least. Eric Simpson,
(07:12):
sixty six years old, a former public school teacher, is
now accused of hosting quote prostitution parties in upstate New York.
He was charged with use of interstate facilities, remote managed, established,
carry on, and facilitate a prostitution enterprise. Simpson's nickname Major Hands,
(07:37):
regularly used his residence near Rochester as a quote location
where commercial sex workers met with customers, and it gazed
in commercial sex transactions. Now you read the story and
apparently this dude Major Hands would send out emails and
(07:58):
he would detail like certain things you probably shouldn't detail
an emails, like how many women would be there, the
sharing terms of the women, setting the cover charge, designating rooms,
tell the customers where to park. You know everything about
these prostitution parties.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
All the details.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Really, yeah, surprise, you can't do that. So Major Hands
was looking at a major uh well, amount of jail time.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
They say, why they call it mister Hans or Major Hands.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I'm assuming you could guess. Simpson was arrested this monthphone
at lengthy investigation. The case was turned over to Homeland
Security when it was determined that a federal statue was
allegedly violated.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
He's looking at five eight years in prison. Were sailing, prostitutions?
Man sailing? He had a menu board man all right?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
And then the KIDSA county shriff's office say a thirty
four year old man got arrested for driving under the influence.
They spied the man on an electric unicycle on Saturday. Now,
the dash cam shows the man being pulled over like
twelve thirty in the morning. They say he was riding
erratically before they pulled him over.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
There's a lot of people do on those.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I mean trying to ride one without riding erradically. There's
the challenge. I don't think you can ride one without
riding erratically because it's freaking one wheel. And apparently when
they pulled him over, he stopped for a minute and
then quickly sped off.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
On his unicycle.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
Now, authorities did find the dude about two hours later.
He had apparently crashed the uni cycle in a ditch.
He uh, he did a breathalyzer and his blood alcohol
limit was twice the legal limit. So yeah, he got
hit with the DUI on an electric unicycle.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I feel like you shouldn't get a dui on the
alternative to the.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
The car, right, I mean, if you hit anybody with
that thing, it's not really going to hurt them, you know. Uh.
But yeah, we'll see about that one. It seems a
little much for an electric unicycle.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
And lastly, a woman faces federal drug charges after troopers
pulled over Julia Hurrez. She was pulled over for speeding
on Interstate thirty five It's Texas Highway. Basically, they had
a canine conduct a air sniff around Julia's minivan. The
(10:58):
dog alerted to the odor of narcotics. According to documents,
The search of the vehicle uncovered draining four hundred and
eighty pounds of methamphetamines Wow, along with forty pounds of heroin,
all built in some like weird aftermarket compartment. But I mean, damn,
(11:22):
four hundred and eighty pounds of methad I'm like, I
don't even know what they smell like, but I probably
could have smelled.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That smell from the car over right, man, you.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Don't need a dog to alert five hundred pounds of
matter that emphetamines. Another to mention forty pounds of heroin
like damn
One nine kbp I and your show time for stupid stories.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Y'all all stop. Yeah you are stupid stories brought to you.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
By Craft Macaroni and Cheese.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Woo, thank you, Thomas Jeffs. All right, man, let's get
into it. Gen Z has a new thing to be
triggered over.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Okay, what's triggering them now?
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Capital letters? No?
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Yeah, yeah, ten Z thinks capital letters are just.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Too intense, too intense.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Oh man, there's so many more things to be intense
in your life.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Just just give it time. Uh. The government has apparently
registered the domain aliens dot gov. Oh really, what's going
on there? Aliens?
Speaker 3 (00:56):
We're gonna get some alien news. A dog was abandoned
in Georgia with a note about how stupid the dog was.
Oh no, yeah, it said this dog is stupid. He
climbs fences, digs, runs from everyone, He peees and poofs
in the house. The good news is the dog is
(01:19):
with a shelter who says he's sweet and hopefully can
find a real human companion soon. He sounds a lot
like Yoda.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Yeah he training?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yeah? Who Yoda? Or you both of oru? This dog hospital,
Florida is suing a patient. So what what? Well?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
We normally hear stories about the patients suing the hospital.
We've never had a story where the hospital is suing
a patient. Why would a hospital sue a patient because
he was supposed to be discharged in October?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
But the guy just refuses to leave.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Oh he's been there for five months squatting in a hospital.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Yeah, seems a little odd.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
But all right, right, go home, dude.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I mean, why don't they just like give your clothes
and take go home.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Turn out the lights behind.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I mean, yeah, you could get that guy out of
the hospital. Hospital beds have wheels.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Stop feeding him.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yeah, just roll his ass right out front. You see
the hospital beds they lean up and everything way, all
the work is done for you, Scott wheels.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It inclines. What is this.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Dude doing or what those beds cost? I would hope
it could drive it out itself.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Get his ass out of there. Just just let him
stay there. That's your fault.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Somebody use this coin for bus fare. The coin.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Was minted by Phoenicians more than two thousand years ago.
It's a super rare coin, as somebody use it for
bus fare In California.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
The bus actually took it well, because a lot of
times they are just you know the little the little
box there and you throw it in, it spits out
the bad coins.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Well I guess maybe spit out the back coming in
the bush. I was like, keep this one right.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Smoking rates are at a historic loan in the United States,
but abroad there's an article out to Day that said
birds are getting hooked to a nicotine from discarded cigarette butts.
There they're actually craving cigarettes. Now, I just want to
(03:39):
point out if look, if you taught a.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Bird to smoke, I'm gonna go see that. I'll pay
for that. Like, that's for real. If you can make that,
not ai, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
This bird nest brought to you by cool menthols.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Come on, man, I mean.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Some people would frown on it, but of a bald
eagle that hangs out in my area would light up,
you know, a cool menthough I'd be like, that's the
coolest thing ever.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
An eagle with a camel hanging out of.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Is that a marblo red whoa?
Speaker 3 (04:18):
That's like we're talking the other day, like if you
saw early like you know, who's hot and smokes.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Nicoch came in, Oh, really.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah, I had no idea she smoked.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Oh yeah, yeah. Some girls.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
I don't know why I'm in there high when they
do that. Debbie Brandley man in high school. She has
a little five foot two, hot, little blonde chick, and
she had that raspy little voice off because she's been
smoking in like junior high.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Her mom didn't care.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Her mom was like, yeah, I mean, obviously, I grew
up where there was a smoking section in my high school.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
It was while kids smoked all time. You know. I
went to junior high and kids smoked. It's crazy think
about right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I guess I do remember kids smoking in junior high.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Yeah, man, totally yeah. No. Athey, Christopher Robbie feedback. They
both smoked. You know, it's funny to see kids in
eighth grade.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Hold on, man, before basketball practice, let me get a
smoke in. This is hysterical, all right, it's that time
you're getting. Spring Breakers are flocking to Florida beaches causing havoc.
I did see a video of spring break. Somebody had
a video clip of spring break from the late eighties
(05:38):
at Daytona Beach. Oh and in spring break today at
Daytona Beach. Both of them had tons and tons and
tons of people. Huge difference in the people wild to
see the difference. Man crazy. A Japanese man drove a
(05:59):
truck that was on fire directly to the fire station.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
He cut out the middleman.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
He drove this thing to the fire station while it
was a blade, just like, hey, hey, got coming in hot,
breaking the fire to you. Yeah, I thought that was
kind of fun. Police in Florida chatting with a twenty
eight year old suspect named Chase Cruise on Monday, and
he lived up to his name. They were just talking
to him. All of a sudden, this dude just takes
out running just books it. Huh no, just the middle conversation,
(06:27):
like I'm out of here, and there weren't a lot
of places to go. So this dumb dumb ran down
a dock and jumped into the Halifax River. Swam pretty
far in actually, but the two officers that were there like,
all right.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Well, let's go get him. So they borrowed some paddle
boats to catch up with him.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Oh nice, Uh yeah, they hauled him back in the shore.
He was charged with loitering proudly and resisting the rest,
like you don't have to take off in the middle
of the question to the email. All right, so here's
it's an interesting, well story, to say the least. Eric Simpson,
(07:12):
sixty six years old, a former public school teacher, is
now accused of hosting quote prostitution parties in upstate New York.
He was charged with use of interstate facilities, remote managed, established,
carry on, and facilitate a prostitution enterprise. Simpson's nickname Major Hands,
(07:37):
regularly used his residence near Rochester as a quote location
where commercial sex workers met with customers, and it gazed
in commercial sex transactions. Now you read the story and
apparently this dude Major Hands would send out emails and
(07:58):
he would detail like certain things you probably shouldn't detail
an emails, like how many women would be there, the
sharing terms of the women, setting the cover charge, designating rooms,
tell the customers where to park. You know everything about
these prostitution parties.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
All the details.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Really, yeah, surprise, you can't do that. So Major Hands
was looking at a major uh well, amount of jail time.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
They say, why they call it mister Hans or Major Hands.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I'm assuming you could guess. Simpson was arrested this monthphone
at lengthy investigation. The case was turned over to Homeland
Security when it was determined that a federal statue was
allegedly violated.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
He's looking at five eight years in prison. Were sailing, prostitutions?
Man sailing? He had a menu board man all right?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
And then the KIDSA county shriff's office say a thirty
four year old man got arrested for driving under the influence.
They spied the man on an electric unicycle on Saturday. Now,
the dash cam shows the man being pulled over like
twelve thirty in the morning. They say he was riding
erratically before they pulled him over.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
There's a lot of people do on those.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I mean trying to ride one without riding erradically. There's
the challenge. I don't think you can ride one without
riding erratically because it's freaking one wheel. And apparently when
they pulled him over, he stopped for a minute and
then quickly sped off.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
On his unicycle.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
Now, authorities did find the dude about two hours later.
He had apparently crashed the uni cycle in a ditch.
He uh, he did a breathalyzer and his blood alcohol
limit was twice the legal limit. So yeah, he got
hit with the DUI on an electric unicycle.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I feel like you shouldn't get a dui on the
alternative to the.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
The car, right, I mean, if you hit anybody with
that thing, it's not really going to hurt them, you know. Uh.
But yeah, we'll see about that one. It seems a
little much for an electric unicycle.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
And lastly, a woman faces federal drug charges after troopers
pulled over Julia Hurrez. She was pulled over for speeding
on Interstate thirty five It's Texas Highway. Basically, they had
a canine conduct a air sniff around Julia's minivan. The
(10:58):
dog alerted to the odor of narcotics. According to documents,
The search of the vehicle uncovered draining four hundred and
eighty pounds of methamphetamines Wow, along with forty pounds of heroin,
all built in some like weird aftermarket compartment. But I mean, damn,
(11:22):
four hundred and eighty pounds of methad I'm like, I
don't even know what they smell like, but I probably
could have smelled.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That smell from the car over right, man, you.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Don't need a dog to alert five hundred pounds of
matter that emphetamines. Another to mention forty pounds of heroin
like damn
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