13. Understanding: Inflexibility

From childhood aversions to workplace rigidity, Shelley Laslett and Sally Spicer unpack inflexibility in all its forms. Join them in discovering how following diverging paths can unlock opportunities you'd never considered. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Mindset, a guide to getting out of your
own way and a blueprint for professional success. Today, neuroscientist
Shelley Laslett is here to talk about inflexibility when it
comes to our skills and our abilities. The kind of
inflexibility that makes you feel like you shouldn't bother trying
something at all because you're probably terrible at it and

(00:22):
you'll always be terrible at it.
I don't have a creative side, and I think that
I'm not a strong writer. And when I have to
write something creative, it is literally my worst nightmare. They
are the things I definitely struggle

Speaker 2 (00:36):
with. I always underestimate what I can achieve and believe
there is someone more capable than me for a role.

Speaker 1 (00:45):
Shelly, where I've had bad experiences where I feel like
I've failed, I visualise myself planting these big wooden stakes
in the ground that tell people that I failed at this,
I can't do it. And then I find it really,
really hard to change my own mind or to figuratively
move that wooden stake that I've put in the ground.
Um, it's a weird metaphor I know. I wanna know,

(01:06):
how does it actually work in our brains? Why do
we find it so hard to change our own mind
about our own abilities or to consider opportunities in our
careers that we haven't considered before? So how it works
is a, is a little bit more complex. Uh, one
of the ways that I can explain that is to
do with something called top down and bottom up processing.
So, I think there's another concept around it to do

(01:29):
with emotional pain. Our mind is, like you said, stake
in the ground. We are designed to put that stake
in the ground, and it's designed for our survival, because
what it's saying is, that was really uncomfortable. I was
really threatened. That threatens my social and psychological safety. That
threatens my existence. Don't do it again. So it serves.
This is a painful reminder, so we don't repeat that,
which is a fantastic thing. It's actually a learning thing.

(01:49):
So we are learning in that opportunity. We're learning what
to avoid. And it's come from a point in time
when it was also like, Hey, that's a dark cave.
I wonder what's in there. I'm gonna go in. Oh,
grizzly bear. Oh, come out. Now we learn to stay
out of dark caves because it's a bit unsafe, but
it's happening socially. So to your first point about the
stake in the ground.
That's a really important thing, they actually experiences so that
we minimise risk. We don't want to actually exist in

(02:10):
pain in, in a sort of neurotypical experience, neurotypical just
being sort of a baseline healthy functioning mind.
So, that's a good thing. However, what our brain also
does is says, well, that experience feels like these other
experiences I've had. So I'm gonna link all those signposts together,
and I'm gonna put more stake in this, in the ground.
And what that means practically, is I'm gonna make more

(02:31):
neurological connections. I'm gonna bring in more connection points to
these synapses where our brain connects together. And I'm gonna
bring in more emotions and experiences which look similar and
sound similar.
Remember, our brain is a pattern and connection machine. We
want to connect similar things with similar things. So, that
experience that I had when I was 7 years old
and I spelt the word wrong, that reminds me of
what happens when I was 8 years old, and then

(02:52):
I did it again, or I got the math problem wrong.
And then that reminds me of when I didn't get
into advanced maths, and that reminds me of why I'm
really bad at stats and why I'm not a very
good psychologist. Like, I'm just making that up, but you
can see how those points connect. So, when we're talking
About what do we do with it. It's just about
being cognizant of that conversation and looking at those connection
points and determining whether or not they actually serve us.

(03:13):
So I can look at that experience and say, those
experiences really marked my confidence, my ability to believe in myself.
But they also served as learning opportunities because after that,
what did I learn? Don't stand up in front of
the class, don't put my hand up, don't contribute.
Worry that I'm not going to be a very good psychologist,
so rather than, you know, sort of breeze through stats,
I put in all my attention into stats to making

(03:35):
sure that I did really well and I understand data
really clearly and I'm probably really thorough now. So there's
also a bit of an upside to that.
What we don't want to do is diminish the painful
experience in the same way that we don't want to
diminish the happy experience. You know, emotions aren't good or bad,
they just are. They're a part of it. So that
painful reminder is our brain trying to protect us. It's
trying to say, hey, this experience looks a little bit

(03:58):
like this previous one we had in the past that
was really painful. Are you sure we wanna
Do this. It's a protective measure. So in that moment,
it's about reassuring our mind. I know they might look
and feel similar, but this is different for these reasons.
I want to frame this experience in this light as
an opportunity to learn, as growth, because I am capable.
So thank you, Bra, for seeing that things look similar

(04:20):
and wanting to connect them to save brain real estate
and processing power.
But that's not what needs to happen here. So what
I don't want people to fall into the trap of
is this happiness trap. Oh, I can't feel any bad
experiences ever, and I always have to be in growth mindset,
and I'm never allowed to think if I'm a failure,
cause that's just not practical, you know? And it's not
healthy either. Like, we can't feel happy.

(04:41):
Safe and secure all the time. What we want to
do is on balance with what's happening in our internal world,
how we internally think and feel, and externally things we
can't control, that on balance, we feel happy and secure
in our ability to adapt and come back to that equilibrium,
come back to that normal state, so back to that harbour.
You know, it's the safe saying that, you know, boats

(05:02):
are safe in harbours, but they weren't built for harbours.
Same with life. We're safe if we don't step outside
of our comfort zone, but we weren't born to only
be in comfort. And in fact, there's lots of data
that says people that stay in comfort and don't push themselves,
don't necessarily live happier lives. In fact, they're quite unhappy. So,
the point of
All of this is, those stakes in the ground, as

(05:22):
we call them, you can decide whether or not they
stay in that point or whether or not they move on.
But please don't try and override them. Don't try and
push them out of sight, the fact that they don't exist,
because they're valid and they're important. It is your brain
also doing its job. It's just about taking very direct.
control about whether or not that experience or the anticipated experience,

(05:43):
something that might happen in the future, belongs in that
connection point or not. OK, so if we're talking about
looking for work, can we be too inflexible about our options?
Can we have, you know, too many requirements for a
perfect job? Can we be too narrow about our beliefs
and what our skills are in a way that holds
us back?
Yeah, there is, but generally, that's governed by something underneath.

(06:03):
If we're looking for too many requirements, we're waiting for
the perfect moment, we're not actually ready to jump. Or
we don't want to try because we're scared we'll fail,
so we put in a falsehood, like, I'm just waiting
for the perfect time, because we don't actually want to
do it. So, I think what's important here is good enough.
Is it good enough? Is it the thing that I
need for right now? And often we can wait for

(06:25):
the perfect job because we are terrified. If it's not perfect,
then it won't work out.
But perfect doesn't exist, it's the right job for right
now for what I need in my world in the
way that I need to function in my world.
OK, so the flip side is being adaptable and being
willing to roll with the punches, but is there a
point if you're considering a role where you can be

(06:47):
too adaptable and consider things that mean you're actually lowering
your standards? I don't think being flexible and adaptable is settling.
Settling is a bit more absolute, flexibility and adaptability is
required because nothing is set and time is linear.
And I don't mean to answer that like a philosopher,
but what I mean by that is you have to
have some form of flexibility and adaptability, because you're not

(07:11):
always gonna get everything perfect in one role or in
one opportunity. You're gonna get parts of what's important. So
coming back to that, what am I motivated by? Does
this opportunity satisfy some of what I need next versus
what I need forever? So, I think it's really important.
To check in with yourself here. If the settling is like,

(07:32):
I'm disappointed in this outcome, but I know I need
to do it. I know I need to take this
role because it is actually probably the best version of
what I'm gonna get right now. Take it with the,
with the context in mind that you're doing it for
a certain period of time, there is an end date
where you will reassess. So, a really good example, practical
of this is the role is this, it's paid this,
which I don't think is reflective upon what they're actually asking.

(07:55):
And I think the role is a bit confused. So
during your negotiations, sit down with them and say, Look,
I think it's probably a little bit higher from a
salary perspective. Can we do a salary and a role
review in 3 months' time once I'm at my probation point?
Negotiate it into your contract, negotiate it into your offer.
So practically what you're saying is, it's not the thing
I want, I'm willing to try, I'm willing to take it,

(08:17):
but we need to reassess it. So your brain goes,
you know the end date, you know.
When it's gonna be looked at, you know, when it's
gonna be reassessed, build the data points in those 1st
3 months to validate the fact that it is probably
a higher pay grade or that it is a different
level of seniority. So that's an example of where you
adapt and flexible, but you're not settling to the point
of being upset and you're not settling when you're not

(08:38):
demonstrating you're disheartened with that idea. You're actually planning for
how you're gonna get it addressed so that you can
adapt and move that role to where you want it
to be.
In our next episode, Helen McCabe and Jamila Risvi are
back to share their wisdom and advice on how they've
transformed inflexibility into adaptability. Don't ever be the person that

(09:01):
you hear saying, that's not the way we do it
around here. If the moment you feel that, think that, well,
either leave or do that self-reflection.
Um, seek feedback, request feedback from colleagues, supervisors, mentors, um,
anyone that you value, um, about your openness to change, um,
and use the constructive feedback as a tool for improvement

(09:23):
and growth. Mindset is created by FW Jobs Academy with
support from the Australian government's Office for Women.