January 31, 2024 • 17 mins
More often than not we're our own worst critic. Shelley Laslett joins host Sally Spicer to unravel the delicate balance between constructive self-reflection and destructive self-doubt and the small changes that can make for a healthier mindset.
- Become an FW member to join the movement and fast-track your professional development
- Learn more about Shelley Laslett’s neuroscience coaching
- Keep up with @futurewomen on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Threads and X
- Find out more about FW Jobs Academy
Support the show: https://www.futurewomen.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Mindset, a guide to getting out of your
own way and a blueprint for professional success. Today, neuroscientist
Shelley Laslett is here to explain self-doubt. We've all felt
it and in small amounts, it keeps us humble and
allows us to think critically about where we can improve,
but in large doses, it can be paralysing.
(00:22):
I doubt that I come across as confident, like in
meetings and things like that. I feel clunky sometimes. And so, yeah,
I worry that comes across to people. Um, I think
with work, because of the industry I work in, I
do doubt my skill set. I feel like I doubt
(00:45):
myself about a range of things, and it depends on
the s.
situation, but the biggest source of doubt comes down to
imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm gonna be found out. Shelly,
how do we tell the difference between healthy self-reflection and
damaging self-doubt?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Yeah, so it's healthy self-reflection generally starts with curiosity.
Whereas self-doubt starts with questioning and judgement.
So if you're not sure of the difference, curiosity is like, Oh,
that was interesting. Why did, why did that happen? Versus,
oh my gosh, that was such a failure. You did this,
I should have done that. I can't believe. And you
(01:25):
can see there's a different narrative there, right? There's a
different conversation. So, self-reflection.
Uh, looking back on our thinking, diving into our thinking,
understanding our thinking, what we are using there is something
called metacognition in our self-reflective practise. Metacognition, meta being small
and cognition thinking, we're thinking about our thinking, right? Now,
we all have this ability. I want to be really clear,
(01:47):
everything that I'm talking about on a neurological principle throughout
this conversation, you already have within you. You don't have
to go and buy it. You don't have to purchase it.
You don't have to do a course. By the fact
that you're human, you have these abilities within you.
But like all things in the body, what you use
gets the most attention. So, you know, your metacognition is
a muscle in a sense. Obviously, it's in your brain,
so it's not exactly like the same as a bi. So, therefore,
(02:09):
or your quadricep. But what it does do is it
gets a workout when it's used. So what we want
to be doing is practising healthy self-reflection, and healthy self-reflection
is being curious, understanding our behaviours, understanding our inputs.
It's really important to also know in the same breath
that self-reflection governs and drives social awareness. So you can't
(02:32):
actually be socially aware without being self-aware because what you
think of the world,
Actually is reflective about how you think of yourself within
the world.
Where that probably sounds a bit like a philosopher, but
what I really mean there is,
The easiest way to understand whether or not it's self-reflective
or self-doubt, is, is it critical? Is it kind? Is
(02:55):
it fair? And fair is balanced, right? Fair, not as
in the colour, fair as in is it balanced? What
are both sides to this situation? If I can only
hear the side where I'm a failure and I did
something wrong and it must be attributed exactly to myself,
that's not fair, that's not balanced, that's not reflective.
One of the easiest things here is, would you say
(03:16):
the things you're saying to yourself, to your best mate?
And if the answer is no, first of all, stop
saying it to yourself. Just stop. It's not helpful.
Right? And the second thing comes with, well, what would
you say to your best friend instead?
Right? And that's the type of conversation you need to
start having with yourself. Now, best friends don't always just
(03:39):
big us up. Like, yeah, they do, but the real
relationships that we have with our best friends, they have
the ability to say, Hey, Shelly, yeah, look, you, you
probably should have done this, and that's OK. You know
that now.
What do we need to do to get you to
where you need to be, or what do we need
to do to remedy this? And now, that's taking responsibility,
(04:00):
that's not beating myself up about it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
OK, you said to stop when you notice those thoughts.
So you feel it happening and you catch yourself in
that loop. What can you actually substitute for those thoughts instead?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
It's energy, right? Thoughts are just energy. So sometimes it's like,
change the environment. OK, get up out of the chair,
wherever you are. What do you need to do? Maybe
you actually just need to park this. Maybe this is
not the time to analyse it. So in that moment,
I'd say, get moving, right? So either get out of
the environment you're in, go for a walk, hit the gym, pound.
Pavement, do whatever you do that allows you to move,
hit the yoga mat. Just give yourself space away from it.
(04:33):
Tell your brain, this is not the time to process it.
I hear the warning sign, I'm gonna go do this instead.
The other thing about physical activity, which is fantastic, is
it naturally burns up energy. So it naturally is going
to exert some of that anxiety into a physical externalisation,
into a physical thing, into a physical activity. Some of
that also means you have some clarity. It can create
some distance.
(04:54):
One of the other things you can do is journal
about it, you know, there's something very, um, tactile and
therapeutic about words on a page versus thoughts inside your head.
So write it down, right? So the other thing you
can also do here if you, you're wondering whether or
not it's, it's helpful dialogue is write down all the
things you're feeling, stop, look at those things and think,
does anyone else say that to me in my world? Right?
(05:16):
Is this kind? Is it necessary? Is it fair?
Right, look back on it and reflect. And chances are
it's probably not. But also, rather than then go, Oh
my gosh, I'm such an idiot cause I beat myself up,
except that that's human. That is actually really normal. That
is actually really, really normal. I'm gonna say normal a lot,
which is like a very inverted commas, what is normal,
(05:37):
but it means it's iconically human. When I'm saying it,
it means that tick, you are a human.
Right, we, we want those things. So, one is change
the environment, and that can be as simple as like,
just go and make a cup of tea. You know,
sometimes when you're working and you have a little break
and you go away and as you're waiting for the
kettle to boil or as you're washing your hands because
you go into the bathroom, the idea comes to you then.
Sometimes you need to create space and distance. All you're
(05:59):
doing then is creating space for your brain to have
that aha moment, that light bulb moment, as we call it.
The other thing is the physical movement processes that energy.
It gives you time and space. It also then releases
some more of the sort of more happy endorphins that
allows us to have a more, I guess, balanced self-reflective practise.
You can then write it down. What we're doing there
is labelling, we're identifying, we're increasing metacognition. The other thing
(06:23):
is you can, if it's part of your practise, if
it's part of your toolkit, then you can do something mindful. Right?
You can actually be like, No, I'm just gonna
Meditate on this, or I'm gonna practise my mindfulness. I'm
gonna take this to my yoga mat, you know, a
lot of people have that practise where they kind of
surrender the outcome in their, in their yoga practise. That's
a fantastic way of processing, you know, it, it is
(06:43):
moving meditation. The last thing I would say is talk
to somebody about it. Talk to a trusted adviser and confidant,
but I'd say when talking to them, know that they
will have their own agenda about what you should or
shouldn't do.
So go in and set up a conversation is, Hey,
I'm feeling this. I just need you to listen. The
support I need is X, particularly if you're working with
a partner, um, often they want to solve the problem
(07:06):
for you because they don't wanna want you to suffer
because they love you, and sometimes you just actually need
to be heard. So, if you want that level of support,
just be really clear with them, because that sets up
the dialogue for success.
Um, the other thing is, if you have it in
your wheelhouse and it's something you do, speak to your
therapist about this. That is their job. They are designed
(07:26):
as their profession to sit there and listen to you
and to help you understand. They are designed to encourage
self-reflective practise. When I say they are, the profession is designed,
not them as individuals. They're not robots that have been
rolled out once they have degrees. It's, yeah.
It's, it's very much those things. So those 4 strategies
break the circuit. They, they help stop the spiral. I
(07:50):
wanna say the other thing that, like, if you're in
that spiral and you feel like you, you're quite close
to the bottom of that vortex, or you're really in
the bottom, and
You that
Those sort of things aren't within your reach.
That's when you need to have a conversation with someone
around you and just say, I just need help. I'm
feeling these things and I need help. And with that
(08:11):
trusted advisor, make a plan. And if you don't have
that person in your world, go to your GP and
have a conversation with your GP. The bravest thing you
could ever do.
That you can ever do is when you're feeling in
a dark place, go to the door and turn on
the light switch or open it and walk out. Now,
that is the bravest thing you can ever do, and
(08:31):
it is not an easy thing to do, but know
if you're doing it, you're not weak, you're not lesser,
you're not important, you're not of value, all those things
that we sell ourselves, you are, in fact, incredibly strong, valuable,
and in that
Moment you're being brave.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
For those of us who haven't spent a lot of
time analysing whether what we're feeling is self-doubt or self-reflection
and whether it's healthy or not, are there any physical
symptoms that can help us tell the difference between whether
it's productive or if we're in some kind of, um,
like a stressed, self-doubting loop?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It's what you just said. The key word is distress.
You're socially distressed, because if you're doubting yourself, you're doubting
your existence in your social connections, you're doubting your existence
in your tribe, you're doubting your safety. So, yes. Right?
So sometimes we don't necessarily have the ability to articulate
in our head, but we know.
know that when we see that person, we feel uncomfortable. Right?
(09:22):
So your sense, I just got a, you often hear
people say, I've just got a feeling. Never ignore that.
That feeling is critical. That feeling is actually your brain
picking up on nonverbal cues, nonverbal communication. It's picking up
on a sense of your
Ability to build a relationship or not build a relationship
with that person. This is critical and iconic to being human.
(09:43):
And if we didn't have this capability, we would not
be here as a species today. So, often if you're
feeling those feelings, just sit with them. OK, what am
I feeling? OK.
Where is this coming from? What do I wanna do
with this? What is this trying to tell me? And
you'll notice that all those questions are what or when,
and then I want you to lead with how. How
(10:05):
am I going to handle this? What do I need
to do? I want you to ask in those moments, what,
how and when questions. I actually want you to avoid
why sometimes. Self-reflective why is OK to get to the
root cause, but after that, I want you to focus
on what, how, and when. Why?
Fun, no pun intended. Because when we flick into what,
(10:25):
how and when, we're into problem solving mode. We're actually
into thinking about planning. We're into going through what needs
to happen next and how do I do something with it.
And when we do that, we use our higher part
of our mind, our executive functioning, a part of our
brain called our prefrontal cortex. And in that instance, we
can calm some of those emotions. We're moving away from
those emotional centres of our mind and our limbic system.
(10:49):
And we're moving into solutioning. And that naturally allows us
to take back control of the situation, and that sort
of becomes a really powerful tool to reduce some of
that self-doubt. I want to be really clear that you
can't do this all the time, though. Self-doubt is a
natural part of life. You know, I'm talking about this,
I understand the processes. I literally understand it down to
the tiny mechanisms of complexity, but I still have self-doubt.
(11:13):
Because I'm human.
Right? So what I want you to think about is
it's like, I have self-doubt. I'm human tick, you know, like, good,
got the t-shirt. No, I'm human. It's normal. It's also
the thing that keeps us humble, that keeps us, you know,
in check with our own behaviour. That means we actually
want to build positive relationships with other people. That means
we build healthy relationships with other people. So, self-doubt isn't
(11:36):
necessarily a negative thing.
Self-doubt is there to encourage self-reflection, and that self-reflection is
a really fantastic opportunity for growth, and a fantastic opportunity
for us to tell our brain how we would rather
process these feelings instead. Remember that when you think about things,
when you analyse your own behaviour, you can change the
physical structures of your mind, which changes your feelings, your
(11:58):
thought processes, and therefore your actions and behaviours outside of yourself.
So this practise is not just
You know, philosophical and inward, it actually has really tangible
and meaningful impacts in what happens for you and the
world around
Speaker 1 (12:10):
you. OK, so, hard one. how do we cultivate that
self-compassion when we're being really hard on ourselves?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
practise and desire.
Meaning you actually have to want to be compassionate and
you have to practise it to yourself.
There's a seriously plethora of things you could do, but
the one thing I want you to do is use
what's called your best friend philtre. If you wouldn't say
it to your best friend, stop saying it to yourself.
Now, if you're like, why don't, I don't have that
(12:38):
best friend. There is someone in your world that you love.
Would you say that?
To the person you love.
And the answer is probably no.
And if you're like, you know what, I don't think
there is.
I want you to think about
Little you
And I want you to say what little you needed
(13:00):
to hear at the time.
And, without going into the complexities of the psychological understanding
of inner child work, what I'm saying is, somewhere along
the line, there's something that you didn't hear that made
you think that this was a conversation that you should
be having with yourself.
Somewhere along the line you picked up either from the home,
from school, from society, from somewhere, that this is the
(13:22):
conversation you would be having, we should be having with
yourself because of something to do with you.
And it's time to change it.
So it comes with practise. It's not gonna be easy.
There's a default, right?
You know, my default road, my default neurological connection is
currently talking to myself like this. I don't want to
go there. I wanna go over here.
It's OK, I'm starting to talk to myself negative again,
(13:44):
this is unfair, this is unkind. I know it is.
What am I gonna say to myself instead?
Well, what would I say to my best friend?
OK,
So my best friend's name is X. I'm gonna now
talk to that person.
But I want to use me.
Instead. So Shelly, yes, that sucks, that's hard. But, you know,
(14:05):
there were things outside of your control that also happened
there too, perspective. Like, Shelly, you're being really hard on yourself. That's,
that's not fair to you.
Right
It's not helpful.
Those sorts of identifications, and I know everyone's like, Oh,
I'm crazy, I'm talking to myself. Every single person on
the planet has an internal dialogue. Like, again, tick check
(14:27):
box human.
So, the practise of self-compassion and the practise comes with practise.
It's actually in the statement. You have to practise it,
and that means being aware of the conversation you're having
with yourself and then choosing to change it. I mentioned
before that the brain seeks to answer the question it's
been asked. If you look for all the ways that
(14:49):
you are the victim, if you look for all the
ways that you are the guilty party who's sitting in
the gallows, you will find that data.
And your brain's not bad and you're not bad, but
it's just doing its job, it's answering the question you're
asking it. Equally, if you ask it the question about
compassion and perspective and fairness and kindness,
(15:10):
It will answer that, and you will find those data points.
If you're struggling with that concept internally,
You still can't seem to break the cycle, have that
conversation externally with that person who is your best friend.
And again, if that person isn't in your world, or
you feel that you don't have that support,
I would be having a conversation with your GP and
(15:31):
seeing if you can get a referral to a counsellor
or a psychologist who is gonna help you do that work.
Sometimes that voice is really loud, and sometimes we do
need a clinician to come in and help us have
a conversation like that, or give us the tools to
do it. And I want to be really clear that again,
that does not make you weak, it does not make
you lesser than. It does not mean that there's something
inherently wrong with you, that there's some form of defect.
(15:51):
It simply means you're human having a human experience.
And no person on this planet has got by or
lived a long life without help and support from other
people around them.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
In our next episode, Helen McCabe and Jamila Risby on
times they've managed to turn self-doubt into self-belief. I think
I grew so scared of that, and my sense of
self-belief had been so deeply eroded, and then I just
kept reinforcing it by not doing it. And because by
not doing it, people stopped asking me to do it
(16:27):
because I said no the last 3 times. And I
took that as another sign of not being wanted.
And so that negative self-talk and that erosion of self-belief
got worse and worse and worse. Mindset is created by
FW Jobs Academy with support from the Australian government's Office
for Women.
Welcome to Mindset, a guide to getting out of your
own way and a blueprint for professional success. Today, neuroscientist
Shelley Laslett is here to explain self-doubt. We've all felt
it and in small amounts, it keeps us humble and
allows us to think critically about where we can improve,
but in large doses, it can be paralysing.
(00:22):
I doubt that I come across as confident, like in
meetings and things like that. I feel clunky sometimes. And so, yeah,
I worry that comes across to people. Um, I think
with work, because of the industry I work in, I
do doubt my skill set. I feel like I doubt
(00:45):
myself about a range of things, and it depends on
the s.
situation, but the biggest source of doubt comes down to
imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm gonna be found out. Shelly,
how do we tell the difference between healthy self-reflection and
damaging self-doubt?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Yeah, so it's healthy self-reflection generally starts with curiosity.
Whereas self-doubt starts with questioning and judgement.
So if you're not sure of the difference, curiosity is like, Oh,
that was interesting. Why did, why did that happen? Versus,
oh my gosh, that was such a failure. You did this,
I should have done that. I can't believe. And you
(01:25):
can see there's a different narrative there, right? There's a
different conversation. So, self-reflection.
Uh, looking back on our thinking, diving into our thinking,
understanding our thinking, what we are using there is something
called metacognition in our self-reflective practise. Metacognition, meta being small
and cognition thinking, we're thinking about our thinking, right? Now,
we all have this ability. I want to be really clear,
(01:47):
everything that I'm talking about on a neurological principle throughout
this conversation, you already have within you. You don't have
to go and buy it. You don't have to purchase it.
You don't have to do a course. By the fact
that you're human, you have these abilities within you.
But like all things in the body, what you use
gets the most attention. So, you know, your metacognition is
a muscle in a sense. Obviously, it's in your brain,
so it's not exactly like the same as a bi. So, therefore,
(02:09):
or your quadricep. But what it does do is it
gets a workout when it's used. So what we want
to be doing is practising healthy self-reflection, and healthy self-reflection
is being curious, understanding our behaviours, understanding our inputs.
It's really important to also know in the same breath
that self-reflection governs and drives social awareness. So you can't
(02:32):
actually be socially aware without being self-aware because what you
think of the world,
Actually is reflective about how you think of yourself within
the world.
Where that probably sounds a bit like a philosopher, but
what I really mean there is,
The easiest way to understand whether or not it's self-reflective
or self-doubt, is, is it critical? Is it kind? Is
(02:55):
it fair? And fair is balanced, right? Fair, not as
in the colour, fair as in is it balanced? What
are both sides to this situation? If I can only
hear the side where I'm a failure and I did
something wrong and it must be attributed exactly to myself,
that's not fair, that's not balanced, that's not reflective.
One of the easiest things here is, would you say
(03:16):
the things you're saying to yourself, to your best mate?
And if the answer is no, first of all, stop
saying it to yourself. Just stop. It's not helpful.
Right? And the second thing comes with, well, what would
you say to your best friend instead?
Right? And that's the type of conversation you need to
start having with yourself. Now, best friends don't always just
(03:39):
big us up. Like, yeah, they do, but the real
relationships that we have with our best friends, they have
the ability to say, Hey, Shelly, yeah, look, you, you
probably should have done this, and that's OK. You know
that now.
What do we need to do to get you to
where you need to be, or what do we need
to do to remedy this? And now, that's taking responsibility,
(04:00):
that's not beating myself up about it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
OK, you said to stop when you notice those thoughts.
So you feel it happening and you catch yourself in
that loop. What can you actually substitute for those thoughts instead?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
It's energy, right? Thoughts are just energy. So sometimes it's like,
change the environment. OK, get up out of the chair,
wherever you are. What do you need to do? Maybe
you actually just need to park this. Maybe this is
not the time to analyse it. So in that moment,
I'd say, get moving, right? So either get out of
the environment you're in, go for a walk, hit the gym, pound.
Pavement, do whatever you do that allows you to move,
hit the yoga mat. Just give yourself space away from it.
(04:33):
Tell your brain, this is not the time to process it.
I hear the warning sign, I'm gonna go do this instead.
The other thing about physical activity, which is fantastic, is
it naturally burns up energy. So it naturally is going
to exert some of that anxiety into a physical externalisation,
into a physical thing, into a physical activity. Some of
that also means you have some clarity. It can create
some distance.
(04:54):
One of the other things you can do is journal
about it, you know, there's something very, um, tactile and
therapeutic about words on a page versus thoughts inside your head.
So write it down, right? So the other thing you
can also do here if you, you're wondering whether or
not it's, it's helpful dialogue is write down all the
things you're feeling, stop, look at those things and think,
does anyone else say that to me in my world? Right?
(05:16):
Is this kind? Is it necessary? Is it fair?
Right, look back on it and reflect. And chances are
it's probably not. But also, rather than then go, Oh
my gosh, I'm such an idiot cause I beat myself up,
except that that's human. That is actually really normal. That
is actually really, really normal. I'm gonna say normal a lot,
which is like a very inverted commas, what is normal,
(05:37):
but it means it's iconically human. When I'm saying it,
it means that tick, you are a human.
Right, we, we want those things. So, one is change
the environment, and that can be as simple as like,
just go and make a cup of tea. You know,
sometimes when you're working and you have a little break
and you go away and as you're waiting for the
kettle to boil or as you're washing your hands because
you go into the bathroom, the idea comes to you then.
Sometimes you need to create space and distance. All you're
(05:59):
doing then is creating space for your brain to have
that aha moment, that light bulb moment, as we call it.
The other thing is the physical movement processes that energy.
It gives you time and space. It also then releases
some more of the sort of more happy endorphins that
allows us to have a more, I guess, balanced self-reflective practise.
You can then write it down. What we're doing there
is labelling, we're identifying, we're increasing metacognition. The other thing
(06:23):
is you can, if it's part of your practise, if
it's part of your toolkit, then you can do something mindful. Right?
You can actually be like, No, I'm just gonna
Meditate on this, or I'm gonna practise my mindfulness. I'm
gonna take this to my yoga mat, you know, a
lot of people have that practise where they kind of
surrender the outcome in their, in their yoga practise. That's
a fantastic way of processing, you know, it, it is
(06:43):
moving meditation. The last thing I would say is talk
to somebody about it. Talk to a trusted adviser and confidant,
but I'd say when talking to them, know that they
will have their own agenda about what you should or
shouldn't do.
So go in and set up a conversation is, Hey,
I'm feeling this. I just need you to listen. The
support I need is X, particularly if you're working with
a partner, um, often they want to solve the problem
(07:06):
for you because they don't wanna want you to suffer
because they love you, and sometimes you just actually need
to be heard. So, if you want that level of support,
just be really clear with them, because that sets up
the dialogue for success.
Um, the other thing is, if you have it in
your wheelhouse and it's something you do, speak to your
therapist about this. That is their job. They are designed
(07:26):
as their profession to sit there and listen to you
and to help you understand. They are designed to encourage
self-reflective practise. When I say they are, the profession is designed,
not them as individuals. They're not robots that have been
rolled out once they have degrees. It's, yeah.
It's, it's very much those things. So those 4 strategies
break the circuit. They, they help stop the spiral. I
(07:50):
wanna say the other thing that, like, if you're in
that spiral and you feel like you, you're quite close
to the bottom of that vortex, or you're really in
the bottom, and
You that
Those sort of things aren't within your reach.
That's when you need to have a conversation with someone
around you and just say, I just need help. I'm
feeling these things and I need help. And with that
(08:11):
trusted advisor, make a plan. And if you don't have
that person in your world, go to your GP and
have a conversation with your GP. The bravest thing you
could ever do.
That you can ever do is when you're feeling in
a dark place, go to the door and turn on
the light switch or open it and walk out. Now,
that is the bravest thing you can ever do, and
(08:31):
it is not an easy thing to do, but know
if you're doing it, you're not weak, you're not lesser,
you're not important, you're not of value, all those things
that we sell ourselves, you are, in fact, incredibly strong, valuable,
and in that
Moment you're being brave.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
For those of us who haven't spent a lot of
time analysing whether what we're feeling is self-doubt or self-reflection
and whether it's healthy or not, are there any physical
symptoms that can help us tell the difference between whether
it's productive or if we're in some kind of, um,
like a stressed, self-doubting loop?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It's what you just said. The key word is distress.
You're socially distressed, because if you're doubting yourself, you're doubting
your existence in your social connections, you're doubting your existence
in your tribe, you're doubting your safety. So, yes. Right?
So sometimes we don't necessarily have the ability to articulate
in our head, but we know.
know that when we see that person, we feel uncomfortable. Right?
(09:22):
So your sense, I just got a, you often hear
people say, I've just got a feeling. Never ignore that.
That feeling is critical. That feeling is actually your brain
picking up on nonverbal cues, nonverbal communication. It's picking up
on a sense of your
Ability to build a relationship or not build a relationship
with that person. This is critical and iconic to being human.
(09:43):
And if we didn't have this capability, we would not
be here as a species today. So, often if you're
feeling those feelings, just sit with them. OK, what am
I feeling? OK.
Where is this coming from? What do I wanna do
with this? What is this trying to tell me? And
you'll notice that all those questions are what or when,
and then I want you to lead with how. How
(10:05):
am I going to handle this? What do I need
to do? I want you to ask in those moments, what,
how and when questions. I actually want you to avoid
why sometimes. Self-reflective why is OK to get to the
root cause, but after that, I want you to focus
on what, how, and when. Why?
Fun, no pun intended. Because when we flick into what,
(10:25):
how and when, we're into problem solving mode. We're actually
into thinking about planning. We're into going through what needs
to happen next and how do I do something with it.
And when we do that, we use our higher part
of our mind, our executive functioning, a part of our
brain called our prefrontal cortex. And in that instance, we
can calm some of those emotions. We're moving away from
those emotional centres of our mind and our limbic system.
(10:49):
And we're moving into solutioning. And that naturally allows us
to take back control of the situation, and that sort
of becomes a really powerful tool to reduce some of
that self-doubt. I want to be really clear that you
can't do this all the time, though. Self-doubt is a
natural part of life. You know, I'm talking about this,
I understand the processes. I literally understand it down to
the tiny mechanisms of complexity, but I still have self-doubt.
(11:13):
Because I'm human.
Right? So what I want you to think about is
it's like, I have self-doubt. I'm human tick, you know, like, good,
got the t-shirt. No, I'm human. It's normal. It's also
the thing that keeps us humble, that keeps us, you know,
in check with our own behaviour. That means we actually
want to build positive relationships with other people. That means
we build healthy relationships with other people. So, self-doubt isn't
(11:36):
necessarily a negative thing.
Self-doubt is there to encourage self-reflection, and that self-reflection is
a really fantastic opportunity for growth, and a fantastic opportunity
for us to tell our brain how we would rather
process these feelings instead. Remember that when you think about things,
when you analyse your own behaviour, you can change the
physical structures of your mind, which changes your feelings, your
(11:58):
thought processes, and therefore your actions and behaviours outside of yourself.
So this practise is not just
You know, philosophical and inward, it actually has really tangible
and meaningful impacts in what happens for you and the
world around
Speaker 1 (12:10):
you. OK, so, hard one. how do we cultivate that
self-compassion when we're being really hard on ourselves?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
practise and desire.
Meaning you actually have to want to be compassionate and
you have to practise it to yourself.
There's a seriously plethora of things you could do, but
the one thing I want you to do is use
what's called your best friend philtre. If you wouldn't say
it to your best friend, stop saying it to yourself.
Now, if you're like, why don't, I don't have that
(12:38):
best friend. There is someone in your world that you love.
Would you say that?
To the person you love.
And the answer is probably no.
And if you're like, you know what, I don't think
there is.
I want you to think about
Little you
And I want you to say what little you needed
(13:00):
to hear at the time.
And, without going into the complexities of the psychological understanding
of inner child work, what I'm saying is, somewhere along
the line, there's something that you didn't hear that made
you think that this was a conversation that you should
be having with yourself.
Somewhere along the line you picked up either from the home,
from school, from society, from somewhere, that this is the
(13:22):
conversation you would be having, we should be having with
yourself because of something to do with you.
And it's time to change it.
So it comes with practise. It's not gonna be easy.
There's a default, right?
You know, my default road, my default neurological connection is
currently talking to myself like this. I don't want to
go there. I wanna go over here.
It's OK, I'm starting to talk to myself negative again,
(13:44):
this is unfair, this is unkind. I know it is.
What am I gonna say to myself instead?
Well, what would I say to my best friend?
OK,
So my best friend's name is X. I'm gonna now
talk to that person.
But I want to use me.
Instead. So Shelly, yes, that sucks, that's hard. But, you know,
(14:05):
there were things outside of your control that also happened
there too, perspective. Like, Shelly, you're being really hard on yourself. That's,
that's not fair to you.
Right
It's not helpful.
Those sorts of identifications, and I know everyone's like, Oh,
I'm crazy, I'm talking to myself. Every single person on
the planet has an internal dialogue. Like, again, tick check
(14:27):
box human.
So, the practise of self-compassion and the practise comes with practise.
It's actually in the statement. You have to practise it,
and that means being aware of the conversation you're having
with yourself and then choosing to change it. I mentioned
before that the brain seeks to answer the question it's
been asked. If you look for all the ways that
(14:49):
you are the victim, if you look for all the
ways that you are the guilty party who's sitting in
the gallows, you will find that data.
And your brain's not bad and you're not bad, but
it's just doing its job, it's answering the question you're
asking it. Equally, if you ask it the question about
compassion and perspective and fairness and kindness,
(15:10):
It will answer that, and you will find those data points.
If you're struggling with that concept internally,
You still can't seem to break the cycle, have that
conversation externally with that person who is your best friend.
And again, if that person isn't in your world, or
you feel that you don't have that support,
I would be having a conversation with your GP and
(15:31):
seeing if you can get a referral to a counsellor
or a psychologist who is gonna help you do that work.
Sometimes that voice is really loud, and sometimes we do
need a clinician to come in and help us have
a conversation like that, or give us the tools to
do it. And I want to be really clear that again,
that does not make you weak, it does not make
you lesser than. It does not mean that there's something
inherently wrong with you, that there's some form of defect.
(15:51):
It simply means you're human having a human experience.
And no person on this planet has got by or
lived a long life without help and support from other
people around them.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
In our next episode, Helen McCabe and Jamila Risby on
times they've managed to turn self-doubt into self-belief. I think
I grew so scared of that, and my sense of
self-belief had been so deeply eroded, and then I just
kept reinforcing it by not doing it. And because by
not doing it, people stopped asking me to do it
(16:27):
because I said no the last 3 times. And I
took that as another sign of not being wanted.
And so that negative self-talk and that erosion of self-belief
got worse and worse and worse. Mindset is created by
FW Jobs Academy with support from the Australian government's Office
for Women.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Paper Ghosts: The Texas Teen Murders
Paper Ghosts: The Texas Teen Murders takes you back to 1983, when two teenagers were found murdered, execution-style, on a quiet Texas hill. What followed was decades of rumors, false leads, and a case that law enforcement could never seem to close. Now, veteran investigative journalist M. William Phelps reopens the file — uncovering new witnesses, hidden evidence, and a shocking web of deaths that may all be connected. Over nine gripping episodes, Paper Ghosts: The Texas Teen Murders unravels a story 42 years in the making… and asks the question: who’s really been hiding the truth?
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com