Homestead Wife Life, Blue Collar Husbands, And Why You Never Feel Heard | 2 Be Better Podcast S3 Ep.49

Disclaimer: We are not professionals. This podcast is opinioned based and from life experience. This is for entertainment purposes only. Opinions helped by our guests may not reflect our own. But we love a good conversation.

In this raw 2 Be Better Podcast episode, Chris and Peaches read two powerful emails that hit everything from religious trauma and teen pregnancy to addiction, stillbirth, and slowly rebuilding a marriage after rock bottom. You will hear them unpack a deeply controlling church upbringing, running away at 17, getting pregnant, losing a baby, marrying young, and trying to heal while a husband battles drugs, grief, and a broken family system. They walk through mentorship for men, women stepping into real support instead of enabling, and what it actually looks like to build a functional marriage and family after chaos, including moving states, starting over, finding a healthier community, and creating a home where the kids are protected from generational patterns. 
From there they shift into a homestead marriage case study, breaking down a stay at home mom on 2.5 acres, a blue collar husband who works out of town, and the recurring fights that never seem to get resolved. They go deep on “you don’t listen” versus “I don’t understand,” love languages, why a wife can feel unseen even with great sex, how compliments and validation work for women, and how blue collar joking and passive aggressive digs about weight can quietly destroy intimacy. You will get practical, no nonsense communication advice, how to ask for what you need without disrespecting his leadership, how to stop bottling resentment, and how to align on parenting, money, work ethic, Roth IRAs, and long term plans for your kids so your marriage and homestead actually thrive. If you are a homestead wife, a blue collar husband, or a couple searching for real marriage advice, relationship coaching, and traditional values without the fluff, this episode will speak directly to you. 


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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up, We've come all the things on the bottom.
Oh wow, is you you're my favorite view?

Speaker 2 (00:17):
But that's not and we are back.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, bumble bitches.

Speaker 4 (00:26):
Today is October twenty first. We have nine days until
the world does its thing with the Atlas comment and
the weird solar flare things.

Speaker 3 (00:35):
I'm so excited.

Speaker 5 (00:36):
Yeah, yeah, last night I meant to sit on the
couch and do some research about, like how to prepare
myself for it. I don't know, do I need to
sell out there with tenfoil hat or something.

Speaker 4 (00:47):
We'll make you an antenna, like yeah, got the things
across the put some chicken wire on.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
It, right, like, get me prepared to receive the signals.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
That's funny and funny.

Speaker 3 (01:00):
We ended up watching The Vinci Code.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
We did. Oh, it took us five days.

Speaker 5 (01:03):
It's insane how long that movie is?

Speaker 2 (01:09):
Is it?

Speaker 4 (01:10):
Is it insane that you fell asleep every fifteen twenty
minutes and we had to keep, you know, restarting.

Speaker 5 (01:15):
We did not restarting like starting over, but we would
have to go back like twenty minutes.

Speaker 3 (01:21):
Very good movie. I enjoyed it.

Speaker 4 (01:23):
We have a whole lot of new people in here.
Am I tripping or did you have an orange shirt
on earlier on? I am wearing an orange orange.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
What are you seeing?

Speaker 2 (01:33):
It's orange, right, I see orange.

Speaker 4 (01:35):
There's a whole lot of new people in here since
the last patroon, or since we logged out of YouTube
or TikTok and went here, we got like seven patrons.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
Oh I love that, me too, me too?

Speaker 3 (01:45):
So yes with Tom Hanks.

Speaker 4 (01:47):
Great movie, great, great movie. She's never seen any of those.
There's three of them.

Speaker 3 (01:52):
No, Yeah, started the second one last.

Speaker 4 (01:55):
Night, fifteen minutes in like clockwork, like you'll hate it.
Does it bother you when we're trying to watch movies?

Speaker 3 (02:04):
It does, But it was also ten o'clock at night, and.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
It will see it was so late, I know.

Speaker 4 (02:08):
And this is one of those things that like I'll
get into a movie and you'll fall asleep and I'll
have to turn it off and I'll have to find
something else to watch because you'll be into it. That sucks.
But we also don't sleep the same schedules. Like I
woke up this morning at five, I probably will be
up until eleven or twelve o'clock tonight. Like I don't
sleep like that. So yeah, it's just one of those things.

(02:29):
It happens. So what are we doing do we want
to Let's let's do a thank you email first and
then we'll problem solve.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oh my pen's gone?

Speaker 2 (02:37):
Is it gone or did it fall?

Speaker 3 (02:41):
It's not in my it's not here, so it's gone.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (02:45):
Before we jump into that, I want to touch on
a couple of things. Yesterday we talked about wanting new
chairs because I have two blown discs, sciatic problems, the
whole nine. And last night we found these chairs that
are massage chairs that have massage rollers in them that
also RecA line and swivel that are not giant, they're
very modern looking, and after I don't know forty five

(03:05):
minutes of research and then some quick discussions, we went
ahead and ordered them. So we're in the process now
of doing a new revamp of this room. So we
should have a new thing here pretty soon. You know
what else we should do while Taylor's here, Maybe you
guys should sit down and do an episode, do like
some girl talk talk about Costa, Rica and Thailand and

(03:27):
traveling and what it's meant to her to be a
part of the tribe and like, because she's literally coming
to stay with us. Yeah, it would be nuts, right right, Yeah,
fucking live on our property for a little while. Yeah,
probably wouldn't be a bad idea to do some some interactions.
She'd be able to sell our malibeds, promote a little business,
you know that.

Speaker 3 (03:45):
Yeah, after it'll have to be after one of the
kids go to bed. After the kids go to bed.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
I just keep them entertained out there. I won't be
on there.

Speaker 4 (03:52):
So I am excited about redoing the room. The only
thing I have to figure out now is these end tables.
I don't want to rebuy them because they hold everything,
but I definitely want to reorganize them. And I also
think that we should get shelves that go along the
walls this way so that we can expand our stuff.

Speaker 5 (04:11):
You understand that it's going to look just as cluttered
on my side, it'll be.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
More cluttered on your side. Okay, But when we do
this angle.

Speaker 3 (04:18):
I just wanted you to prepare for it. I know
you had that conversation.

Speaker 5 (04:21):
It looks messy, So it's going to look a lot
more messy if you give me more space.

Speaker 4 (04:24):
Right, But see how that looks right now? Yeah, I
feel like if we I don't know, maybe we shouldn't.
I just was thinking that, like I've got all this
dead space. This dead space works really well because if
I'm doing text, I always try to put the text
in this box behind me so that you've got a
black background with white text. And if I do the shelves,
I'm not gonna be able to keep that, So I
probably won't do that. But I definitely want to do

(04:46):
something with this, and I something's in the shot, so
I would like to do something different. We're going to
have new chairs, and I think that when we get
the new chairs, all of this is going to look different.

Speaker 3 (04:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:56):
Definitely want a third angle camera to go there so
that we're not doing the split screen. Probably get like
a twenty four or sixteen millimeter lens and push all
this shit back. Changed the angle of that light bar
so that it's more over us and not on us. Okay,
and get all of this going all right?

Speaker 5 (05:13):
Married at eighteen? How to last more info and updates?

Speaker 2 (05:17):
Is this a thank you? Yes? Okay.

Speaker 5 (05:20):
I didn't realize how many gaps were in my previous email,
so I want to fill in what I can. I
ran away at seventeen. My parents had become increasingly controlling.
My family was deeply religious, and along with that emotionally manipulative.
I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't
take it anymore. It felt like the only way to
discover who I was, not just a version of me

(05:41):
they projected, was to leave. Looking back now, I can
see they were probably just being overbearing, but at the
time I felt completely trapped. There were a lot of
painful experiences in my childhood, and I couldn't separate their
love from the constant fighting or lack of autonomy. I
hadn't done anything to earn their distrust. I didn't partyer
sneak out. All my friends were preapproved, and we lived

(06:03):
in a small, isolated town.

Speaker 4 (06:05):
I have to pause one, I'm curious that she still
feels that way, or they still feel that way. The
other thing is is you can't say that you've not
done something to break the trust of somebody else.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
That's not on you to decide.

Speaker 4 (06:16):
Right the way that somebody views your actions or the
things that you have said is their perspective. You have
to accept that something along those lines have made them
view you in that light. There's nothing you can do
about it other than asking them what it was and
then trying to correct that behavior.

Speaker 3 (06:36):
It could also be that they just still viewed you
as a child.

Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, very well could be.

Speaker 5 (06:40):
Who was fucking up and making mistakes and they had
to a lot of parents get stuck in the my
children are defenselands and need me and everything. Yeah, and
at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old, that does become very
suffocating because you're ready to bust out of the cocoon
and discover your own life. Right, And that's also a
very I mean, I'm not saying this is for the

(07:01):
emailers' parents, is for a broader understanding for the listeners.
There is also a very real fear that starts to
kick in. If your parents aren't pieces of shit, that
my life is about to change, then there's guilt, not
a guilt aggrieving, Right, there's a grieving processes happening, and
part of the grieving process is denial. And there's going

(07:25):
to be a denial that you are growing up, that
you are becoming independent, and that you are leaving the nest,
and that can come out in very nasty ways. It
doesn't excuse it does not justify it. It can help
you deeper understand what the parents are going through in
those kind of suffocating moments. Still, they tried to have
me sign contracts about where I could and couldn't drive

(07:46):
the car I had bought with my own money.

Speaker 3 (07:48):
Well, that's fucked up.

Speaker 5 (07:50):
So all children deserve parents, not all parents deserve children.

Speaker 2 (07:56):
I agree with that. I fucking agree with that.

Speaker 5 (07:59):
And I say that because that sentence that that is
an over breach of control. And like she said on autonomy,
living in my household, there will be rules and restrictions.
You're not coming in the house at one o'clock in
the morning.

Speaker 4 (08:13):
Okay, So this is a matter of perspective, right, like
saying that you won't drive your car after nine pm
because I expect you to be home by no later than.

Speaker 3 (08:19):
Oh yeah, that could be the contract right right there.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
We don't know.

Speaker 4 (08:22):
We know she's still a minor, and I know that
at sixteen and seventeen years old, whether you bought the
car with your own money or not. You live in
my house. There's rules to the house.

Speaker 3 (08:30):
The house has rules, the car doesn't.

Speaker 4 (08:32):
Right, there's still rules, right I catch you drinking and driving,
Yeah that's true, I'll wreck that motherfucker. Like I will
take your tires off that shit while you're sleeping, and
it'll be sitting on jacks until I decide to give
you your tires back.

Speaker 2 (08:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (08:43):
Right, there's a responsibility as an adult that I as
a parent, that I have to make sure that you're
being a good human being. And you know, people can
get mad about that all they want to. I bet
they're not paying their own insurance at that age. Insurance
for a fucking kid is expensive.

Speaker 5 (08:56):
My mind when I heard signing contracts about restriction for
the car, didn't say restrictions, just signed contracts about where
I could and couldn't drive the car. That's what my
mind went to, Well, it's like you're not allowed to
drive it to the mall.

Speaker 4 (09:10):
Right, specifically because it says restrictions on where she cannot
drive a woman.

Speaker 3 (09:14):
That's a problem.

Speaker 5 (09:16):
But I agree with everything that you laid out about
your parents still and there is a level of revoking
that will happen.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
There also needs to be a freedom to fuck up. Yes,
I agree with that, So okay.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
We're gonna get downe a fucking parenting conversation. Apparently, sorry
about all the f bombs your kids need to do
really dangerous things in a controlled environment so that they
can get kind of hurt, not really hurt.

Speaker 2 (09:43):
Right.

Speaker 4 (09:44):
They need to FAFO and life experiences is what's going
to make them make better decisions in the future. Pain
and embarrassment are the greatest teachers you can get because
you'll never forget.

Speaker 2 (09:56):
Being embarrassed in front of somebody, right.

Speaker 4 (09:58):
And pain sucks. So there needs to be a level
of your kid needs to mess up. They need to
experience the consequences of their actions as they're coming into
adulthood because when you become an adult, there is no
parents got your back anymore. They can have your back,
but unless they're paying your lawyer fees or your hospital bills,
like real consequences can can get you. So there needs

(10:22):
to be you need as a parent, you need to
allow your your kid room to make mistakes. Should give
them enough rope to hang themselves, so to speak, and
then you cut the rope down and you console them
and you parent them, not punish them.

Speaker 5 (10:34):
Right. Yeah, continuing Yep, that was the breaking point Around
that time I met my now husband. It was a
combination of things, falling in love for the first time,
the isolation of COVID, which moved school online.

Speaker 3 (10:49):
I don't know why I just said it that way.

Speaker 2 (10:51):
School E don't school online.

Speaker 5 (10:55):
I graduated a year early and a deep desire to
finally be free of constant judgment from my family and church.
I ended up quarantining with my boyfriend, got pregnant at seventeen,
and moved back in.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
With my parents.

Speaker 5 (11:07):
Fuck rough, Yeah, m teaches, what is one of your
biggest fears in life? My child coming home pregnant that like,
really before her life is established, or our son coming
home before they are established adults and have their wits
about them and can provide for a child, and having

(11:28):
to do all of that.

Speaker 3 (11:29):
Oliver again, because.

Speaker 5 (11:31):
Now I'm sacrificing more of my time to tend to
another life.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
That's a choice, right.

Speaker 3 (11:39):
It is a choice.

Speaker 4 (11:40):
There is a So you're right now already speaking into
existence that if that happened, you would step into that role.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
What do you mean?

Speaker 5 (11:47):
Well, no, I know, I know what you mean, But
why are you saying that's the thing.

Speaker 3 (11:51):
I'm speaking into existing.

Speaker 4 (11:53):
Because you just said that if that happened, that's what
you would have to do, And that's not what you
would have to do.

Speaker 5 (11:57):
I would be sacrificing my time, Yeah, giving up my retirement.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
I've already done that once.

Speaker 3 (12:03):
Yeah, I'm also not going to be abandoning.

Speaker 4 (12:06):
There's there's a whole lot of life lessons that are
going to be had before we get to that point,
and if they make those decisions to that point, they
will live with those decisions. I'm not going to raise
another child from infancy like this. This is going to
be one of those things that will truly test us
in like our relationship and everything, because I know who
you are and how you'll be. This is going to

(12:26):
make sure we are going to have to make sure
that we are very on top of the understanding of
what life looks like when that happens, and the results,
the consequences of their actions, and like, there needs to
be real sex ed discussions, and there needs.

Speaker 3 (12:43):
To be I have I'm compiling binders for the children.

Speaker 4 (12:46):
Yeah, there needs to be financial documents to explain how
expensive it is to actually have a child and what
that would look like and how that could fucking destroy
your future. How are you going to go to college,
how are you going to learn a trade? How are
you going to do these things? If you have to
take care of another human being. How are you going
to go hang out with your friends? Where are your
friend's going to be? Because they will abandon you. Like,

(13:06):
there's a whole lot that needs to be discussed before
we ever get to the point of that being a thing.

Speaker 5 (13:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
So I do also view that his failure on the parents.

Speaker 4 (13:14):
Absolutely. Absolutely. I actually think it's more of a failure
on the parents than on the kids. Kids are going
to do really stupid shit, yeah, because we think what's
the worst that can happen, or it's not going to
happen to us until it does, or we see people
who have done the stupid shit that did okay, doing
the stupid shit, not realizing that that's not our.

Speaker 2 (13:35):
Life, right.

Speaker 5 (13:36):
Yeah, continuing Joe, he moved to another town to live
with his dad in work because we were broke. Living
with my parents again reminded me exactly why I left.
Even though I was young and naive, I was determined
to live authentically and give my child a better life.
My parents were convinced something was wrong with me. At
one point, I saw things in my mom's prayer journal

(13:56):
and search history that made it clear they thought I
was spiritually calmi.

Speaker 3 (14:00):
Wow, why were you in your mom's prayer journal.

Speaker 2 (14:04):
That's actually a really good question in a nosy bitch, right,
that's funny. That's a good question. I even think about that.
That's funny.

Speaker 4 (14:13):
I got stuck on the being spiritually compromised. What makes
you think that your spiritual beliefs or your your faith
alignments apply to me.

Speaker 3 (14:22):
That's a really good question. And a lot of people
live that way.

Speaker 2 (14:26):
I know they do. It's why there's so much ugly
in the world.

Speaker 5 (14:28):
Yeah, continuing still, I loved my boyfriend and wanted us
to be a real family, so after my first trimester,
I moved in with him and his dad. I think
that's one of the best moves that you've made, leaving
that household during the first trimester. The first trimester is
very scary. That's when like, if there's going to be
a loss, that's when it will happen. Of course, there
are the I have my point, and then there's things

(14:51):
over here. What are these things? Cirumstances, the extenuating circumstances
where emergencies happened, whatever.

Speaker 3 (14:59):
The case can.

Speaker 5 (15:00):
If you have not read the book, it didn't start
with you by Mark.

Speaker 3 (15:06):
It starts with a W. Mark w you should.

Speaker 5 (15:10):
That goes really in depth of how generational trauma is
not just a wive's tale or a folklore. It is
something that affects our nervous systems in utero during pregnancy,
being carried by our mothers, being affected by things happening
outside of the body. I think you did your child,

(15:31):
your unborn child, and you a very good service by
moving out and moving in with your boyfriend.

Speaker 4 (15:36):
I might have to address the chat real quick, Okay,
before we move on. Before I address the chat, I
need you guys to understand that if you are not
a member of the Patreon in our discord, you miss
out on a lot.

Speaker 2 (15:48):
And I'm not This isn't a fomo thing.

Speaker 4 (15:50):
This isn't me trying to get you guys to be
afraid of what you could potentially miss. This is me
telling you that you are, in fact missing out on
a lot of shit. There's a lot of chat that's
happening in the comments are going and while we're recording,
sometimes we cut a lot of things out of the episode.
Sometimes we record for three hours and you guys get
an hour and fifteen minutes of it.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
Yeah, So, if you're not.

Speaker 4 (16:08):
A member of the Patrion, I highly recommend you go
to me beetter dot com forward slash join and look
at the tiers. At the fifteen dollars tier, you get
the tribe. The tribe is everything that like the base
of what we do.

Speaker 5 (16:17):
Continuing, Yep, things changed again when his dad moved to
Texas and left us the house he'd been renting. We
were still incredibly young and unprepared. Eventually we realized we
couldn't sustain ourselves financially and didn't have a support system there.
We moved back to my parents' garage apartment they had
just built, which they let us rent. The week we

(16:37):
moved in, we got legally married and built the baby's crib.

Speaker 2 (16:40):
How would you feel about that?

Speaker 3 (16:42):
What?

Speaker 4 (16:43):
I'm sorry, this is a fucking thank you email. Right,
we're and I'm over here problem solving. We have a
standalone thousand square foot building on our property.

Speaker 3 (16:53):
We do.

Speaker 4 (16:53):
That's a pretty big quest, bigger than most apartments, real
real shit, Like.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
It's a studio apartment out there.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
It's bigger than that.

Speaker 4 (17:00):
Your first apartment was only like or not first, but
the one that you were living in was a two bedroom,
one two bedroom, two bathroom. Yeah, with a kitchen, living room,
patio that was only twelve hundred square feet. Yeah, so
that's only two hundred square feet bigger than what you had.
Turning that into like putting in a bathroom in an
actual kitchen out there would not be hard, right, and
it would would cost us less than ten grand, you
know what I mean. We have enough people that do framing, carpentry, whatever.

(17:24):
Nikita could build that out in a weekend. To do
the plumbing would be the hardest partment we have plumbing
out there, So even that wouldn't be that difficult if
we decided to do that. This is the point of
fuck man. If we decided to turn that into an
in law suite for people to come and visit, like
Taylor's doing, and they wanted to move in there, and
one of them wanted to rent that from us, how
would you feel about that? Would you charge them rent?

(17:45):
Because I think that that's a fair.

Speaker 5 (17:47):
I would charge them rent. I have also actually thought
about once they start getting fourteen fifteen, sixteen years.

Speaker 3 (17:53):
Old, doing that charging the rent. Well, if they we build.

Speaker 5 (17:59):
Like a a tiny shed or something out there and
they have access to the kitchen and can do their
laundry in here, but they can have their own separate
space outside of the house.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
Turn in the garage into a room too, right, we
could do that. That's his own door.

Speaker 5 (18:11):
Plus by that point they're going to be homeschooled. Oh yeah,
and by the time they're sixteen years old and you
can drive, I want you working, absolutely right. So I
think one hundred and fifty dollars a month for a
room is not.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
Unreasonable.

Speaker 5 (18:26):
I would want more than that, right, okay, But I
also don't want to charge them to where they can't
enjoy their money. I want them to understand budgeting in
the controlled environment, like you said, but not to a
point where they can't enjoy their money.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
I want them to be broke.

Speaker 3 (18:42):
Okay, I want to talk about ya. No, I was going, okay,
I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 (18:45):
Go ahead. You were one hundred fty dollars. You want
them to enjoy their money. I'm listening. I just want
to have a discussion about it. Go ahead.

Speaker 5 (18:52):
Once they are truly on their own and they are
not on our property anymore, and they have to pay
rent to a landhor lord and say they decide that
they want to not do this and want to do
a different type of career path and work for somebody else.
Their lives are going to be very, very restricted, and
I want them to have responsibilities here. I want them

(19:13):
to have to pay bills here and contribute financially. And
I also want them to get a taste of what
it's like to enjoy their money when they make it.
So I want them to be able to have enough
money to put into a savings or have enough money
to plan a hollow scream night with their friends in October,
to enjoy that money before life fcks them down and
they recognize that they had it good here.

Speaker 2 (19:35):
Right.

Speaker 4 (19:36):
Okay, so we agree on a lot, we just don't
agree on the premise. I want them to be broke
for a little while. I think that everybody needs to
experience that not having money to do shit. And I
don't mean like being broke and still being able to
watch Netflix and eat family dinners and have Turkey and
Thanksgiving and like all that shit. I mean like be
broken and like you don't have money, you're eating ramen

(19:56):
like because that's what you can afford to eat. I
think people need to live like that for a little
while because it teaches you that you can do a
lot with a little with your money, and that really
sets people up for success. I also don't want them
working for other people. I would love for the kids
to grow up to be entrepreneurs. Whether or not, whether
or not they do that, it's a whole different discussion.
This may not even be a whole podcast, guys, we

(20:17):
may not even get to the actual emails.

Speaker 2 (20:20):
But this is a very real thing.

Speaker 4 (20:22):
The idea of if it would be nothing for us
to set up a tiny home on the property here,
we have enough land that it would be doable. And
like one could live in the man cave, one could
live in a tiny home and they could fucking stay
on the property for the rest of their life. I
don't care, because they would have their own space. I
would want them to pay enough rent. Like let's say
they make two thousand dollars a month, I would want

(20:43):
at least half of that going to all of the bills.
So if they're making one thousand dollars every other week,
I want one of their paychecks they get the other
and that paycheck that thousand dollars is going to cover
their rent. It'll cover their cell phone, the electric, the cable, whatever.
It's not covering a car payment, covering insurance, and it's
not covering their food, so they'll have to pay for that,
and then whatever's left. They can budget that thousand dollars

(21:06):
every other week, so it'll be one thousand dollars a month.
That's twelve thousand dollars a year. If they stayed here
for five years, that's sixty thousand dollars at the end
of five years. If they've saved enough money and decide
they wanted to move out, we can take that thousand
dollars that they have given us every single month and go,
here's a sixty thousand dollars down payment for your house.
We've been saving everything you've given us. It's gone in
the safe. You're sixty racks in cash, Go put.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
It in the bank. Whatever.

Speaker 4 (21:31):
Or maybe we can even open a savings account in
their name so that way it doesn't look like we're
making embezzling money or whatever. Even put them on payroll
right so that it's a payroll tax whatever. That way
they're paying their Social Security. I don't care how we
work that out, but they'll have a huge leg up
moving forward and to buying a home for themselves or
land or whatever it is. They decide to do. The
reality is I would rather than be here on the land.

(21:54):
I would rather if we had you know, we're looking
at land next year. If we buy land in Alabama
and we had twenty or fifty acres or whatever we do,
I would love for them to never leave the property
because it creates that community that we want. And if
we want to travel, we can. If we want them
to go, we can. If there's grand babies, we got
fucking grand babies on the property, and tiny fainting goats

(22:15):
or whatever the fuck we want to do, and and
it'll be what a family is supposed to be. But
I would still want them paying rent, and I would
still want that going into a savings account that they
can't touch. And then if they live with us their
entire lives on the property, when they're fifty years old
and they've been paying a thousand dollars a month or
half of their monthly income their entire.

Speaker 3 (22:38):
Life, about to get a big payout.

Speaker 2 (22:40):
Here's your retirement at fifty bro.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
Yeah, yeah, I like that idea.

Speaker 4 (22:46):
It's just we have I mean, we're so far away
from that that we don't we haven't really had to
have these discussions.

Speaker 2 (22:51):
Jip, that was a good, good, good talk.

Speaker 3 (22:53):
I want to set up a roth IRA for them too.

Speaker 2 (22:55):
I know you do.

Speaker 4 (22:56):
I actually I have to talk to Justin. I need
one more year, okay, because I have that one thing
that I'm paying on monthly. And when that one thing
is gone and that extra money is there, things are
going to look very different. I want to set up
a simple roth IRA for us that the business pays
for so that we can continue to put our money
into a roth every month the way that it does.

(23:17):
And Justin can set up a simple roth where when
we have really big months, I can go, hey, I
have X amount of dollars extra. I need you to
pull that from the simple or put it into the
simple roth Ira. And if we put the kids on
payroll as advisors, because as I've looked into this already,
the moment you were like I want to do these things,

(23:37):
I started trying to figure out our money. If we
put them on the board of advisors, all of the
travel that we do with them is covered. It's all
the right off because you can do quarterly advisory board
meetings and you can do them anywhere in the world,
and the entire thing is paid for, so we could
do quarterly family vacations and the s CORE pays for

(23:59):
all of it, and it's a rite off.

Speaker 2 (24:02):
So I want to do that.

Speaker 4 (24:02):
Put them on the board of advisors as a board
of advisors, so we can use the distribution of profits
that we make as a payment for them. Would and
would also go into a simple roth IRA that we
can put seventeen thousand dollars a year into instead of
the sixty four hundred dollars a year that goes into
our ross. So in a year we'll have a whole
lot more that we can move around and do with
and it'll change the way the retirement plans look. I

(24:24):
also don't want to pay into their roth the entire life.
I want to start it, paying to it until they're
like twenty five years old, and just let that money
do what it's supposed to do, because at that point
we won't have to pay for it anymore, or they
get one thousand dollars a month of paycheck that covers it.

Speaker 3 (24:37):
Right, Okay, we're going to keep reading.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
Yep.

Speaker 5 (24:40):
The week we moved in, got legally married, and built
the baby's crib, I had a still birth. Everything spiraled
from there. Oh God, the religious fanatic mother is going
to run with that.

Speaker 2 (24:51):
Oh, I'm sure.

Speaker 5 (24:55):
My husband couldn't hold a job and started using drugs.
In the middle of our grief and naivete I got
pregnant again. That's when I discovered the drug use. He
went through a cycle of sobriety and relapsed for a year.
Two months before our son was born, his teenage stepbrother
died in a motorcycle accident. His stepfather took it out

(25:16):
on my husband, attacking him during a visit, and my
husband fought back since it was his stepdad's property. He
was arrested. My dad actually paid his bail, so they're
not all bad. Parents have flaws. But when nobody else
was there for you, guys, your dad bailed your husband
out of jail, your drug addicted, relapsing husband.

Speaker 3 (25:39):
I hope you told them thank you. What are you
gonna say?

Speaker 2 (25:42):
Just two things more from the chat.

Speaker 5 (25:44):
Continuing Yep, that moment caused a small shift. We started
spending more time with my family, although the relationship remained complicated.
I had our son in February. The first year was hard.
My husband was on probation, dealing with mental health and addiction.
Mostly we had an alcohol and getting counseling. He stayed
off of hard drugs, found steadier work, and slowly repaired

(26:04):
things with my family. Okay, so you included your own
drug use, but you didn't talk about it at all,
and I'm only bringing it up because you're touching on
his drug use a lot. So did you use while
you were pregnant? Was your son born with any defects?
What did that look like?

Speaker 2 (26:20):
Was still born?

Speaker 3 (26:21):
No, this is a second pregnancy.

Speaker 4 (26:22):
I missed it. I'm sorry, I'm so caught up in conversation.

Speaker 5 (26:26):
Then that's also why I was hung up, because you
had a still birth, became pregnant again, which is a blessing,
and then started using drugs. So if there's not going
to be an elaboration on something, please don't included in
the email. Guys, I am I am going to probe
for that further information. Uh. Continuing, By the time our
son was about ten months old, things started looking up.

(26:49):
We moved to a different state to start fresh and
created a better environment. I planned to go back to
school and work part time. He got a good job landscaping,
and we rented a house with a big yard for
the kids. And we finally started saving. Then we found
out I was pregnant again despite having an IUD, which
threw us for a loop. As the year went on,
my husband began struggling again. The weed use came back,

(27:11):
and so did the lying. It was heartbreaking because I
had finally seen what life could be like when things
were good. A month before our daughter was born, I
moved out and got my own apartment. He did make
real efforts, got his ged enrolled in school and genuinely
tried to earn back trust, but the secrecy continued with
the cigarettes. That's around the time I last emailed. Since then,

(27:32):
it's been about a year and things have improved significantly.
He's quit smoking, he completed his first year of school
with excellent grades and has been working incredibly hard. He
made a few good friends, something he's never really had before.
His boss has stepped in as a real mentor, someone
who believes in him and sees his potential.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
Good for him.

Speaker 3 (27:50):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (27:50):
Good for him, dude, We need that. Young men fucking
need that so much.

Speaker 3 (27:54):
Yes they do.

Speaker 4 (27:55):
And you know the reality is is a lot of
young men aggravate the fuck out of his old heads
M and like we don't want to take you on
as mentors because you're immature as fuck staring right, Like,
there are people that I will bend over backwards for,
and there are other people that A'm like fuck every
time my phone goes off. There's a very different thing there.
And and the reality is is the ones who were
like fuck every time the phone goes off are the

(28:15):
ones who truly need the mentorship. The problem is is
they're not trying to hear it, right.

Speaker 5 (28:20):
Yeah, I agree with that. I agree on the flip coin.
I think women also need mentors. We need more wo mentors, right, womentors.
It's a role in my women's groups. It's the whole thing.
We need more women who are further along on their
healing journey, who may be elders or aunties or mama's

(28:40):
whatever you want to call them, who take younger women
who are annoying and selfish and self centered and attention
seeking and all of the things that we despise and
women because we ourselves were once that, and we shame
and guild ourselves for being that, we need it all
of that to say we need it, we need to

(29:02):
be we need to be the women who step forward
and care for those younger women who have been failed
by their own mothers and the other women in their lives.
And as young women, we need to accept that we
don't know everything, and we need to lean into the
women who do care about us and are putting in
that nurturing energy continuing. He's not only supported my husband's growth,

(29:23):
but has offered him the opportunity to buy the business
once he finishes school. It's been a huge turning point
for him in terms of motivation, confidence, and purpose. We
recently moved out of the apartment and into a bigger
house with space for the kids. I've also gone back
to school. Our communication has grown a lot. We feel
more like true partners and better friends. There's much more

(29:44):
mutual respect. There's still tension with my family. He avoids them,
and honestly, I don't blame him, but there's no longer.
But that's no longer the center of our lives. I
love that you guys got your shit together first and foremost.
That's wonderful. I think every human being here is here
for the purpose to have joy in life, about to
experience the things around us, and to even experience pain

(30:07):
and sorrow and the hardships. Like you just said fifty
cents said, can't enjoy joy unless you have that pain.

Speaker 4 (30:13):
Joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.
That's such a.

Speaker 2 (30:17):
Fucking line, dude, it really is. That's the polarity. It is.

Speaker 5 (30:21):
It's the polarity, and I'm glad that you guys did
that for your children. You're doing things differently and you
should be proud of that. Life now is mostly school
work and parenting. It's still exhausting, but we're not alone
like we used to be. We have a stronger sense
of who we are individually and as a couple. We
still argue now and then, but there's no more secrets.

(30:42):
He's working every day to grow into someone better than
who he used to be, and I am too. Basically,
we're just maturing, murchuring. That's what my mind went to,
like nurturing, which is nice. And also have a better
grasp in reality feels great too. I know our story
isn't typical, and I didn't recommend others take our path
the way we did, but despite everything, I'm grateful for

(31:04):
where we are now, even if I understand just how
rare this outcome is. Thank you for emailing in thank
you for sharing that. That is that's the proof that
you can hit rock bottom and come out higher than
you ever imagined.

Speaker 2 (31:18):
I think that everybody has to hit rock body.

Speaker 3 (31:20):
I agree with that.

Speaker 4 (31:21):
You know, you know it's the amount of people that
I know that are millionaires who have lost it on
may their millions back like it's it's more common than
you think. Hitting rock bottom changes you as a person,
like metamorphos. It is that. Yes, yes, let's get into
a helpful email.

Speaker 3 (31:37):
Okay, nothing in life is stagnant.

Speaker 2 (31:40):
It shouldn't be.

Speaker 5 (31:41):
Nothing in life is a straight line, right, Everything is
a wave. When you understand that life is going to
have its highs and life is going to have its lows.
The same way you do with your moods or situations,
the way you feel about your spouse, whatever, that your children.
You don't take it as hard. It's just another Oh,
it's hurricane season, that's it.

Speaker 2 (32:01):
That's it. We've had a really easy hurricane season this year.

Speaker 3 (32:04):
We have we have not had a lot of rain.

Speaker 2 (32:06):
That's the problem. I was just about to say, I did.

Speaker 5 (32:08):
That's not real wood fuck, she told me. I heard it.

Speaker 4 (32:14):
This would now it's not plastic that's would it's got
a lamb in it on top of it, but it's
it's probably MDF, which is sawdust. It counts either way
that the intent was there, and I think the intent
matters more than the superstition does.

Speaker 3 (32:26):
I can go get my stick.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
It don't matter. Okay, all of that just made me
forget what the fun I was talking about.

Speaker 3 (32:31):
Hurricane season.

Speaker 2 (32:33):
We haven't had any rain. Our fucking yard is dead out.

Speaker 3 (32:35):
There, dead dead, which is very unusual for October.

Speaker 4 (32:38):
I thought it was from whatever that like fertilizer. Yeah,
it's not like it's dead everywhere. And the side guard
is the cow tree that's on the side of the
yard is dead as fuck.

Speaker 3 (32:48):
I saw that.

Speaker 2 (32:49):
I've been watering trying to bring him back. He ain't
coming back.

Speaker 3 (32:51):
I think it's I think it's also a dormant season.

Speaker 2 (32:55):
No, because the other one's doing good.

Speaker 5 (32:56):
Yeah, that sucks. Well, it's now a dragonfly perch.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
It's a big stick. I'm not gonna pull it up yet.

Speaker 5 (33:03):
Big stick yep Patreon. I really hope I'm the problem
so I can fix this. I'm hoping to get some
insight on how my husband and I have been feeling
we have some reoccurring issues that never seem to get resolved,
and when I try to get more information out of him,
all I am met with is defensiveness. So a little context.
I am twenty nine, My husband is twenty eight, almost
twenty nine. Nah, you fucking cougar robin the cradle, almost

(33:27):
twenty nine, my ass. I only said that because you
slipped in the almost twenty nine.

Speaker 2 (33:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (33:36):
We have been together for eight years, two kids, three
and five months. We have had our own home for
three years now in our homestead where we raise our
own food, from chicken eggs to pork, to lamb meat, chickens,
you name it. We also grow our own produce and
have a small orchard.

Speaker 2 (33:54):
It looks like orchard, keep moving, don't get hung up
on it.

Speaker 3 (33:58):
On just two point five acres.

Speaker 4 (34:00):
Unjust on just two point five acres. We're on less
than an acre, and we got forty two fruit trees.
I don't want to hear shit, right, Could you imagine
what we did we would do with two and a
half acres, we would be that would be to the
corner the shenanis. That would be to the corner and
to the end of our property all the way around.

Speaker 5 (34:16):
Yeah, all right about him. Now, before I get into
the issues we are having, I want you to tell
you about everything he does for our family. As of
March fifteenth, twenty twenty five, he has been working four
and a half hours away and staying out of town
during the week Monday through Friday. It was a huge
pay increase and temporary work before winter. Hard decision to make,

(34:36):
but we made it together. He works six am to
five pm Monday through Friday and seven to three on Saturdays,
then drives home that evening and then leaves again Monday
morning by one thirty am on about one to two
hours of sleep. He does all of this so we
can provide for us and still make it back to
see us every week.

Speaker 2 (34:55):
It's crazy.

Speaker 5 (34:57):
Since the beginning has been my rock. With both kids
being born, he was right by my side. I want
to include I haven't gotten into their issues yet. Right
based on the sacrifices that you are making and knowing
what you're missing out on, not just with me and
our marriage, but our family and the children.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
A lot of sacrifice, a lot of.

Speaker 3 (35:16):
Sacrifice being made.

Speaker 5 (35:17):
I am still going to be going above and beyond
to make you feel love and appreciated, and you don't
have to be doing any of that, especially knowing that
there are issues happening right not knowing what the issues are.

Speaker 3 (35:30):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (35:30):
With both kids being born, he was right by my side.
Having our second was a bit complicated, and he took
care so much for a week or two postpartum while
I was in the hospital. I couldn't ask for a
better teammate to do life shit with. He is so dedicated.
And I choose the right man to have children with.
I chose chose the white man. He is the provider,
the sole income earner, the protector, and the final decision

(35:53):
maker in our household.

Speaker 3 (35:54):
I love this man with all of my heart.

Speaker 5 (35:56):
I can't even imagine how exhausted he is, and he
still makes time to come and see us and do
what I need help with on his one day at home.

Speaker 2 (36:04):
This isn't a thank you email, right, No?

Speaker 4 (36:05):
Okay, because as of right now, I can't what's what
this sounds?

Speaker 2 (36:10):
Amazing? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 5 (36:12):
I tell him all the time how appreciative I am
of him for what he does for our family. His
efforts do not go unnoticed. His job out of town
will end soon. He's trying to start up his own business.

Speaker 2 (36:23):
Good for him.

Speaker 5 (36:24):
I made him business cards, signs, T shirts, hats, and
I've even been putting the signs and cards up all
over town.

Speaker 4 (36:30):
We slowed down a little bit. Not you them, the emailer.
Your initial business startup should not be spent on all
that gimmicky shit. Business cards are a must, and they
need to be quality. So like you're buying T shirts
right now and all of that other shit that you're
buying signs and all of that. I would have taken
the sign money and put it into the business card

(36:50):
fund and made the business cards the most amazing business
cards ever. You want your business, Sorry, this is going
to get business content you.

Speaker 5 (36:58):
Want before you run off. I would also put that
into a good website. I would put a QR code
on the business card, and I'd have a very good website.

Speaker 4 (37:05):
I wouldn't do the QR code. No too much business
too much on a business card. It becomes too much.
People don't care. You want your business card to feel
good in the hand and to be so impressive that
whoever you give it to it goes in their wallet
and they don't give it to other people.

Speaker 2 (37:20):
So when they go do.

Speaker 4 (37:21):
You have a guy that does blah blah blah, they
go absolutely take a picture of the business card because
I don't want to lose this. The more impressive of
your business card is that is an end on.

Speaker 2 (37:31):
So many levels.

Speaker 4 (37:32):
Website needs to be there for sure, That more important
than signs, and then everything beyond that needs to go
into marketing digitally.

Speaker 2 (37:39):
I don't even know what the business.

Speaker 5 (37:40):
Is, right, but unless you plan on giving away those
T shirts and shit for free.

Speaker 4 (37:43):
Right, well, that's advertising and that's a tax right off
because it's a giveaway for advertising dollars.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
It's a whole different conversation.

Speaker 4 (37:50):
But people want to do the business thing and they
focus on the wrong things in the beginning, and they
cost themselves a lot of money.

Speaker 3 (37:57):
I also want to touch on.

Speaker 5 (38:00):
You said that I tell him all the time how
appreciative I am of him. Words only go so far,
so if there is not a physical connection happening. Men
are visual creatures. Yeah, men are also very feely creatures.
I don't know why people think that men are just
stole and cold all the time. If you're not expressing

(38:21):
appreciation through hugs and neck touches, and you can't keep
yourself off of him. That thank you is just okay,
she said, thank you.

Speaker 4 (38:32):
You know why that physical touch matters so much? Tell me,
because we don't get it. It's not okay to hug
your homies. That's gay, right, Like you have to, you
have to. I love you, bro, no homo right, Like
that's that's some fucked up logic. But that's the way
that most men live their lives, right. And unless we're hurt,
emotionally devastated or doing something phenomenal, we don't get physical

(38:55):
touch unless it's sexual. So that intimacy that comes from
physical touch. Why most men, it's like eighty percent of
men say that their number one love language is physical touch.
That's why our kids don't hug us in love on
us the way that they do Moms. When you sit
on the couch, you're a fucking jungle gym. When I
sit on the couch, get the fuck out of my spot, right, Like,

(39:16):
it's a very different that's the thing, And like that
is such a thing that I recognize within me that
I don't. I make sure that I tell little man
I love him several times a day, and I bully
him and I high five him, and like I check
on him. I want him to know that it's okay
to tell your best friends you'll love him.

Speaker 3 (39:31):
Oh our daughter needs that too.

Speaker 4 (39:32):
Yeah, I'm not connected to her like that, though I'm
not saying that she doesn't get it from me. She
absolutely does. But I'm it's on you to raise a
young lady, and it's on me to show a young
lady what she should be looking for in a man.
So we have different roles in that aspect.

Speaker 3 (39:48):
I agree.

Speaker 5 (39:49):
Yeah, Continuing continuing, I set him up an email, Instagram,
and Facebook account for said business good and I'm really
hoping this gets going for him.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
He needs a big break.

Speaker 5 (39:59):
This job has made so much happen in the past
five months and we are so much more out of
debt now, plus actually having a savings. If you're gonna
have his own business going, then that would start setting
up for our future even more. I'm so excited for
him and for us. About me, I'm a stay at
home mom taking care of our two children, who is
exclusively breastfred one who is exclusively breastfed, and our homestead

(40:22):
with forty two animals, all by myself while he is
away six out of the seven days a week. Now,
I said this before we came to this decision together
of him working away from home, so I knew what
I was getting into, but that doesn't make it any easier.
On a typical day, me and the kids wake up
around seven thirty, breakfast at eight, feed animals at eight thirty,
do outside chores for an hour or two, come in

(40:44):
for lunch, play time with my kids for half an hour,
do cleaning, slash, prep for dinner, work out, back outside
for more chores, and side for dinner, play outside time,
feed the animals again by six pm, get ready for bed.
Three year old is down by eight thirty. Five month
old sleep by nine, sometimes nine thirty. Then I clean
the house from the day and maybe find time to

(41:05):
read bed by twelve if I'm lucky. I am absolutely
worn out from trying to be a homemaker plus working
on our property all day, and prioritize getting in shape again.
I do anything from fixing the fence if an animal
gets out, to loading firewood to unloading fifty pound feedbags.

Speaker 2 (41:21):
I'm appause you for a minute.

Speaker 4 (41:23):
I'm exhausted from trying to do all this shit and
get in a physical shape. Your physical shape is going
to come from your diet. Yes, it's literally ninety percent nutrition.
And if you're working on a farm, you don't need
to go to the gym.

Speaker 3 (41:36):
Yeah, you should be in shape. That's hard labor.

Speaker 2 (41:38):
It is. It is.

Speaker 4 (41:40):
And if you if you manage your macro nutrients properly
and you're eating real food, give yourself some grace and
some patience. You didn't get overweight overnight. Yeah, it takes time.
Losing it's going to take time. Focus on your nutrition
and use that gym time that you are doing as
self care for something that's going to make you happy.

Speaker 1 (41:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (41:57):
For all of you who don't know how to to
do your macros and don't know how to eat properly,
there is a book by someone called Shelby Starns and
it is a I can't think of the name of
the book off the top of my head head, but
it is a car it's carb cycling. The book is
is carb Cycling something by Shelby Starns. You might be
able to find it as a PDF download. That book

(42:19):
will tell you everything that you need on how to eat.
It shows you what good carbs are, what bad carbs are,
what proteins are, how to figure out your fats like,
if you eat based off of that book, you'll you'll
get like crazy in shape. You just got to stick
with it gets boring.

Speaker 3 (42:34):
But speaking of carbs, I'm gonna make mac and cheese
for lunch. Yeah, unless you want to door toash, we'll see, okay.

Speaker 5 (42:40):
Continuing When he comes home, I have dinner made, how
SIMI cleaned. It's lived in but not filthy, and my
checklist that I know he wanted done checked off.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
If he gets home after the kids.

Speaker 5 (42:50):
Are in bed, I greet him at the door with
him knowing sexy time is about to happen, no matter
how tired we are. When he leaves her work, I'm
up while he's getting his two to three hours of
sleep before getting as lunch as ready, folding his laundry,
packing his truck, and cleaning up the house. We are
both worn out, both stressed out, trying to make our
lives better for our future together. Now why I'm writing

(43:12):
this email there are three main reoccurring issues that we
keep discussing over and over and somehow aren't resolved.

Speaker 2 (43:18):
I like this.

Speaker 3 (43:20):
I agree this is a good layout.

Speaker 4 (43:22):
I don't feel like like I'm invested in their life
right now, Yeah. There has not been a single moment
where I was where I've been like, I wish you'd
just shut up, Like, just get to the fucking point
of the.

Speaker 3 (43:32):
This is irrelevant information right right.

Speaker 4 (43:34):
Not saying you shut up, I mean the emailing right.
To be clear, I really I have an idea of
what this person's life looks like right now. And it's
not based off of a negativity.

Speaker 3 (43:43):
Bias, right, It's facts of their life.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
Right.

Speaker 4 (43:46):
You guys are doing the life thing right now and
you're struggling. This is these are this is the prime email.
This is what I live for when we get emails. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 5 (43:54):
The reason I believe they aren't resolved yet is because
if I bring them up or try to pry further
by asking more questions to help clarify his points so
I can understand it, he gets defensive or just shuts
down one. I don't listen. I have heard this for years.
This is something he says weekly to me. I have
tried to ask for examples, because all of my efforts
to listen have obviously failed. I've been working on myself

(44:17):
for years to try to understand what he means. The
most I've gotten out of him on this topic, is
that I make his work harder by not listening to
what he is saying. Example, we were putting up a
barbed wire fence and I was putting the t post
clips on to fasten it and it wasn't even with
the other two rows. He came over and tried to
fix it after I was working on it, so that

(44:37):
it would get done faster to be able to get
other things done. I got defensive and said, if I'm
not doing it right, then just do it yourself. I
realized right after I said it that that was disrespectful
in questioning his leadership, I would also his wheelhouse of expertise,
so I should have just taken a device ended it
without complaining. I immediately apologized and fixed the fence.

Speaker 2 (44:59):
Hey wait, I want to know what that apology look like.

Speaker 4 (45:01):
I agree, because there's a difference be going between going, hey,
I shouldn't have done that and really owning it right,
like in the event that that was something like us
and you were to say, hey, look, I shouldn't have
talked to you that way. What she said before that
is where the real apology is. Hey, I understand that
this is your wheelhouse and this is what you do

(45:22):
when you're trying to do it right. And I just
got snappy because I felt like you were attacking me.

Speaker 3 (45:27):
And not but when you were correcting me, not showing
me right like there.

Speaker 4 (45:31):
However, I felt in that moment, I really should not
have conducted myself that way. I apologize. That's a very
different thing than I shouldn't have talked to you that way.

Speaker 3 (45:37):
Yeah, that's a thing for me.

Speaker 2 (45:39):
Yeah, I have to.

Speaker 5 (45:41):
That's one of the things that I have put a
lot of effort into, is not being snappy or or like,
apologizing in the moment. I'm really aboud at interrupting still
and apologizing in the moment is still a thing for us.
It takes me a second to recognize, right, because I'm
emotional when it happens. It takes me a second to
reel myself in to put the words together to truly

(46:04):
articulate that I recognize I fucked up just now.

Speaker 4 (46:08):
The listening to under listening and understanding thing, him saying
that this is kind of relatiant to us as well,
that whole he says, you don't listen and you're trying
to understand that's what she said. He says, you don't listen,
and I'm trying to understand. That's what needs to be stated.
You don't listen. I do listen, I hear you. I
just don't understand. It does not compute. So you telling

(46:32):
me something in a way that doesn't make sense to
me is not me not listening. I can't get it.
So that's the conversation that needs to be had there.
That is eighty five percent of you and I's issue.
It's there is a breakdown somewhere from one of us
understanding what is being stated because we're not talking the
language that the other person understands. I may totally know

(46:54):
what the fuck I'm getting at, and if you don't,
it's not a matter off you're not listening or not hearing.
You just don't understand. So it's no different than talking
to the kids. You know what that means?

Speaker 2 (47:04):
Yes? What does it mean? They did not fucking know
what it meant?

Speaker 4 (47:07):
Right Like, there needs to be a real understanding of
what's being stated, and that needs to be an honest conversation.
When things are happening, there needs to be the repeat back, yep,
this is what I heard you say, Especially when he
says you don't listen. Well, this is what I heard
you say. That's not what I said. Okay, then I
need you to convey it differently so that I understand

(47:28):
because that way didn't work. That fixes the whole you're
not listening shit continuing.

Speaker 5 (47:33):
Yep, I immediate apologize and fixed the fence. It wasn't
brought up again after that. He doesn't mention it in
the moment when these things happen, that this is what
I mean when I say you don't listen or I
feel disrespected when you don't take my advice. He just
bottles it up until one day he says, you never
listen to me, So I never know which situations he
is talking about without thinking back to the instance.

Speaker 4 (47:55):
Okay, so this is not a specific situation. This is
a reoccurring theme of situations. There's no reason for us
to have a big fight over something like that, like
the fence situation.

Speaker 2 (48:06):
It got corrected. We're moving on.

Speaker 4 (48:08):
But there is that infraction there where he told you
how to do something and you weren't actually listening or
you didn't understand. So the answer to this again is
to regurgitate, repeat, repeat what you heard, make sure the
understanding is there. So that these things don't happen in
the future. He also needs to learn and have a
little bit of grace. Yeah, things that come really naturally

(48:31):
to you don't come naturally to me, and vice versa.
We have our strengths, like building a fence, you play
to his strengths. That's not your forte, it's his. You know,
you guys lean on each other into your strengths.

Speaker 5 (48:44):
Continuing number two, he doesn't compliment me. Ever, I'm craving
that validation from him, but I don't get it. If
I do something that isn't up to his standards, he
will tell me no problem and correct me. But if
I do something right, I don't hear anything about it.
I get to thank you occasionally, but never a good
job or I like how you did that, or that

(49:05):
looks nice. Okay, So that you're not looking for a compliment,
you're looking.

Speaker 3 (49:08):
For praise, right, there's a difference. Those are two different things.

Speaker 4 (49:12):
Can we pause on that for a minute. Yeah, it
sounds like he's a blue collar worker. It's a blue
collar worker telling somebody good job for doing their fucking job.

Speaker 2 (49:19):
Doesn't exist.

Speaker 4 (49:20):
You go above and beyond and do something spectacular. He
might get a good job. But in a working environment,
that's not a thing. We're all here to get a
job done. We're not here to play games and to
do that kind of stuff like. That's the difference in
mentality between men and women on a job site. You're
not hearing men tell each other good job and fucking
high five each other. You hear him talk shit, we

(49:42):
got a fucking world. Right, what happened there? Did your fart? Like, yeah,
that's that's normal. But this is the difference between him
being home six days a week and being at work
six days a week because he's not there, right, this
is the guy that's gone, yeah.

Speaker 3 (49:56):
Six days a week.

Speaker 5 (49:58):
Continuing, I'm not say saying I need applauded for doing
the dishes, But if I clean the garage for him
without asking as simple, that looks great. Thanks for doing that, baby,
Or if I make him his favorite meal or new
recipe he sent me for dinner that weekend, a that
was delicious, or a thank you for thinking of me
would be nice.

Speaker 4 (50:16):
Okay, so this is a great conversation having a check in. Yeah,
I don't feel appreciated. That's what you need. You don't
need to say I need you to give me more
compliments or I need more praise. I don't feel seen.
I want to feel seen. Right, That's what's really going
on here. You don't feel like he appreciates what you're doing, right,

(50:38):
I need to feel appreciated when I go above and beyond.
I want you to know that you see my efforts
to love you, because you not acknowledging my efforts to
love you, love you, love you makes me not want
to love you like that? Right, So like this is
a love language. My acts of service to you is
doing these things. You not acknowledging them as like rejecting
my love. Great conversation I have during a check in.

Speaker 3 (51:01):
Yeah, it is continuing.

Speaker 5 (51:03):
This is probably the biggest one that bothers me but
doesn't bother him. Don't get me wrong, we have a
great sex life. The intimacy is there, The passion is there.
The lusting I assume you meant lusting, the lusting after
each other is there. The physical part is there ten
thousand percent. But the emotional part I am needing is
not the most intimate thing he says to me, is

(51:25):
I love you?

Speaker 3 (51:26):
If I ask.

Speaker 5 (51:26):
Him or bring up then I need that once in
a while, he gets defensive and says, I'm not good
at that stuff or that's not my strong suit.

Speaker 2 (51:34):
You know why there's a defensiveness there.

Speaker 3 (51:36):
I don't know you had an answer faster than I did, so.

Speaker 4 (51:39):
Well, I wanted to see if you had an opinion.
But this comes down to a shortcoming. Men don't want
to be called on their shortcomings. We view that as
a lack of respect, right, Like you know that we
have we are less than in something.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Throw it in our face is not a good situation.
If I was not good.

Speaker 4 (51:57):
At telling you all the things that you want to
do here and you asked for it, and I was
getting defensive, that defensiveness is because I know that I'm
not adequate and I don't know how to fix it. Right,
So recognize the defensiveness. Ask where that's coming from. Hey, Like,
I'm not criticizing you. Words of affirmations are the way
that I feel loved acts of services, the way that
I give it. Words of affirmation is how I receive it.

(52:20):
You giving me intimate words of affirmations when we're doing
the deed would make me feel amazing. Things that you
could say would be things like I like your butt,
you're so beautiful. I love your eyes. Whatever it is
that you think you need to hear, you give them
ten or fifteen examples, and then gentle reminders. Men need
to be told God, I can't believe must say this.

(52:41):
Men need to be told about all of the sexy time.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
Right.

Speaker 4 (52:44):
We need direction because a lot of that is foreign
to us because we are friction based creatures. There's not
a whole lot of emotional aspect that goes into that,
so that emotional base isn't a thing. So the more
direction we get, the better we're going to perform in
all aspects of the bedroom. Right, you have to be

(53:05):
willing to speak up. We have to be willing to
receive that information, and it needs to be in a
way that's not combative or making us defensive. And if
you see somebody getting defensive in that moment, there's an
insecurity there. Find the insecurity, address the insecurity. Give examples,
YadA YadA, YadA YadA yah. Continuing, Zach said, this is
kind of like when people say they don't know what
I like. Like, you can't just say my clit is

(53:26):
two inches higher, pitter patter, let's get at her.

Speaker 2 (53:38):
Pillow. Talk should be a thing. Yeah, you guys, you were.

Speaker 4 (53:42):
If you were, you know you have a good sex
life when you can tell jokes and laugh during sex
and the intimacy doesn't fuck up right like that kind
of pillow talk is healthy.

Speaker 5 (53:52):
Continuing, I'm at a loss. He grew up in a
broken home, and I know that's not an excuse, especially
since he has overcome so much. I know, oh, he
can learn this too. I just don't understand why he
doesn't want to tell me what he's feeling. He saves
all the notes I write him in his lunchbox when
he leaves for work. He has pictures on the dashboard
of his truck. His phone background is me and the kids.

(54:14):
So I know he loves me with everything in him.
Why can't he just tell me I haven't taken the test?
Because I do think we haven't taken the test.

Speaker 3 (54:23):
What test?

Speaker 5 (54:25):
We haven't taken the test? Because I do think he
would do it. But I think his love language is
acts of services and physical touch definitely not words of affirmation.
Mine is words of affirmation and physical touch. He will
get me drinks and snacks when he's out that he
knows that I like. He loves me in so many
other ways, but I'm hung up on the lack of compliments.

Speaker 3 (54:47):
Do you have any thoughts?

Speaker 4 (54:48):
I mean, I've addressed a lot so far, Okay, I
the love languages matter, Yeah, understanding how to love somebody
If you believe that your acts of service is showing
love to somebody, and they say they don't feel loved,
and you're like, I fucking do all these things for you,
how do you not feel loved? And now you guys
are fighting because they're getting defensive because they don't understand.

(55:09):
You don't understand either, right, This is not a hymn problem.
This is a both of you problem. That situation comes
down to a communication like I need these things. This
is what's going to make me feel loved, just like
you need these things, and that's how you feel loved.
And like, I know you love me because I see
you doing these other things. But that doesn't fill my cup.

(55:29):
You're pouring next to my cup, it's not making it
in my cup. Right, You're almost there, Like these are
the things. Those conversations fucking matter.

Speaker 5 (55:37):
All right, And this is the last one. Passive aggressive jokes.
He jokes a lot most of the time. It's not
a big deal. But occasionally he will joke about my
weight being freshly postpartum. We have both gained weight since
I gave birth and since they started working out and
dieting together. I never make little digs at him like that. Yeah,
we tease each other, but sometimes his jokes feel like

(55:58):
an attack. I think they feel this way because I'm
reverting compliments. I think they feel this way because I'm
reverting compliments.

Speaker 3 (56:09):
Ever, I don't understand.

Speaker 4 (56:11):
I don't either. It doesn't read right to me. I'm
not making excuses for him and saying what I'm about
to say. This is blue collar behavior.

Speaker 3 (56:19):
It is.

Speaker 4 (56:20):
And again, he's not home with you six days a week.
He's gone six days a week. You are getting You
should get a different side of your man and your
woman for that matter, than the other people in the
world do. But habitual behavior is habitual behavior. So making
little digs in, like snarky comments, is how we show affection.

Speaker 2 (56:42):
That is normal shit. Sean and I talk shit to each.

Speaker 4 (56:44):
Other all the time. You have that type of relationship
with your bros. Like that's just a normal thing. It
should not carry over to your woman. Most women can't
handle joking like that. They're way too sensitive for that shit.
And you have to understand that joking about somebody's weight
and blue collar environment is normal. Yeah, it's like prison

(57:04):
yard rules. There's nothing off the fucking table. We can
say as the fuck we want to each other. It's
not the same in your home. But I would definitely
have a conversation about how that makes you feel.

Speaker 5 (57:14):
I agree, continuing Yep, if I was, I don't believe
the jokes would have much an effect on me because
I wouldn't think he actually feels that way about me.
If I say something about it, he says, obviously I
don't think you look fat, or I can't keep my
hands off of you, or sometimes it's just a joke.

Speaker 3 (57:30):
That's it.

Speaker 5 (57:31):
It goes on to apologize for how long it is,
thank you for the input.

Speaker 2 (57:35):
Great email. They didn't even to apologize for it. Like everything.

Speaker 3 (57:38):
Yeah, it's very well laid out, very well organized.

Speaker 4 (57:41):
Someone in the chat said, blue collar wife here can't agree.
I have to check him at times, though, and sometimes
men need that shit right. Sometimes there's a reminder like
you can look at your man and be like, hey,
look at me real quick, and when he looks at you,
be like, I'm not one of your coworkers. I'm not
one of your your boys. I'm your wife. I would
like you to rephrase that, let them know in the
moment that what they just did cross the line and

(58:02):
made you feel a certain way.

Speaker 3 (58:03):
I don't let my husband call me bro.

Speaker 2 (58:06):
It slips every once in a while, you call me dude, So.

Speaker 5 (58:09):
Like, no, I say bro, dude, and then daddy. Yeah,
to correct it, all right, every single time.

Speaker 2 (58:15):
You work through it in that order, Bro, dude, daddy
in that order. Yeah, you're right. I try not to
call you bro either.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (58:23):
Sometimes that's just the vernacular, like gen x, like the eighties. Baby,
we use terms that don't mean what those terms mean.

Speaker 5 (58:33):
That's funny because I started doing that correction because you
gave me shit for calling you bro.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
I know you're my husbands.

Speaker 4 (58:39):
Yeah yeah, we but and I actually don't want you to.
It's funny now, right, And like if you just called
me bro all the time, I would have a problem
with it. I don't want to be your bro. I
am your husband. But like we're having conversations, you're like bro, Yeah,
all right, you got you right, Like I got it.
We had I had a end of mine that was

(59:01):
a woman who worked in corrections. This is kind of
relevant to the email, not really, but kind of. And
she she had teenage kids. They had fifteen sixteen years old,
and they used to come to the tattoo shop all
the time. She was a client, and the kids just
would come and hang out because the the tattoo shop
was cool. And this is gonna get vulgar, and I apologize.
It's funny, all right, and it was fucking hysteric when

(59:23):
it happened, but as looking back on it, like, that's
not how you parent. One of the kids said something
really slick to her, like out of the side of
the neck, and you could tell that that she's a
blue collar worker used to working with inmates. But she
looked at him and she's like, you better shut your
com catcher, like loud, and the entire studio, like you
could tell this was a mom talking to her son.
Maybe she called it a cock sock, something along those lines,

(59:44):
like basically they told him to shut his dick sucker.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
Yeah, And the tattoo shop.

Speaker 4 (59:47):
Full of people in season, there had been thirty fucking
people in the shop, and it was loud. And I
looked at her, and she looked at me and looked
at him and like they all started laughing, and I
was like super uncomfortable because then it was a mom
talking to her kid, right, And I was like, oh,
you work. She's like yeah, I'm like that totally makes sense.
She's like, yeah, it happens. She's like, I don't mean
to do it, it just comes out. And I was like, okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:07):
That programming, right, this is your normal day to day life.

Speaker 4 (01:00:11):
And she's like the first time it happened, I apologize profusely,
but everybody thought it was funny.

Speaker 2 (01:00:15):
And now this is just how we talk to each other. Yeah, yep, you.

Speaker 3 (01:00:19):
Got to adapt to survive in those environments.

Speaker 4 (01:00:21):
Yeah, yeah, I will never forget that. Uh, Jenna said,
I worked in the oil field. I have to constantly
check myself still because I speak bro speak a bit
too often. I forget how offensive it can be. It's
only offensive to people who don't live in that environment.
It's important to recognize that your person is a human
being that has a very different lived life experience, and

(01:00:42):
the more that you two live apart, the more that
experience differs. Where She's on a homestead in her own
little world, building their future home he's out grinding and
dealing with a whole ass you know, society that's going
to interming and a mess and have issues.

Speaker 2 (01:01:02):
That's that's normal.

Speaker 3 (01:01:03):
Yeah, it's two very different worlds.

Speaker 2 (01:01:04):
Yep.

Speaker 5 (01:01:05):
So back to that email or with the passive aggressive
jokes like I would check that shit. Yeah, like you said,
your wife, not Jim.

Speaker 4 (01:01:16):
That that whole look at me is powerful as fuck, right,
Like you don't you don't do it to me often.
You do it to the kids a lot, but you
have done that to me, yeah, and.

Speaker 3 (01:01:27):
Like it's mostly in a correcting manner.

Speaker 4 (01:01:29):
Right, but even still, like I know you're correcting me
in the moment, I don't take it personal because you're
getting my attention, and that's how I view it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
I know what you're doing.

Speaker 4 (01:01:36):
I'm not dumb, right, I hear you do the kids
all the time, and I know you're mommy and me,
but I also know that you're trying to get my
undivided attention.

Speaker 2 (01:01:43):
So even though I know I'm about to get in trouble,
because that's how I view it.

Speaker 5 (01:01:46):
Okay, Well, now I have to start doing it for
other things. No, I don't want it to be you.

Speaker 4 (01:01:50):
You don't because you doing that. When you do it
is very effective, okay, because you were That's basically you
don't have to say look at me. You can say
I need your undivided detention right now. You can even
go like this, I know right, I know at that point,
whatever's about to happen, it needs a husband needs to
be present in the moment. That's a very powerful thing.

(01:02:14):
Most people don't give people the undivided attention. There's normally this, Okay,
I gotcha. Do you have anything else? Because I'm hungry
and my back is fucking killing me. I don't okay.
As always, guys, remember you were the author of your
own life. So grab a pen and we will see
you on the next one.

Speaker 3 (01:02:30):
Bye, guys.