Ask Uncut - Do You *Self-Pleasure* At Work? 🙈

Welcome back to Ask Uncut, where we answer all of your deep, dark and sometimes deranged questions!

Laura has one of her own first up! If a kid at preschool had taught your kid swear words, would you dob on them?

Vibes for the week:

Keeshia: I Love Linen Mattress Topper

Laura: Koala Couch
& Baby Reindeer on Netflix

Then we jump into your questions:

• MY PARTNER CONSISTENTLY WETS THE BED WHEN HE DRINKS & HE WON’T STOP DRINKING
  My partner (M37) is a big drinker and also has an overactive bladder which leads him to wetting the bed basically every weekend when he drinks. I’ve expressed my discontent with this numerous times throughout our three year relationship and have tried to help by buying nappies, setting alarms during the night and trying to trick him into sleeping in other rooms. I’ve also pushed him to see a urologist where he now takes medication to urinate less throughout the day however as the bed wetting is primarily a problem from alcohol, he’s still frequently wetting himself. This impact also extends to when we go away with friends, for weddings, on holidays etc and he makes no effort to drink less and I’m left to monitor him throughout the night to make sure he gets up to pee and doesn’t wet the bed as we have no where else to sleep.

  I’m at my wit’s end and have even gone to see a relationship counsellor who basically said (long story short) that if I try to change the un-changeable then I’m going to drive myself crazy and I basically need to learn to live with it. My partner has an enormous victim mentality about this and his only emotional response is that “it’s not fair that his mates can drink as much as they want without this problem” and “why me, it’s not fair”. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to drink less to stop this problem? If he was in his early 20s I’d give him time grow out of it, but at nearly 40, I’m heavily considering leaving the relationship because it’s so sad and unattractive, and I don’t want this for my future. Please tell me if I’m being too hard on him like he says that I am.
  
  

• IS IT OK TO WANK AT WORK?

  I randomly asked my husband when he last had a wank, to which he replied “uh, probably last week?” Me being a stay at home mum who is home…ALL THE TIME, then asked “was I home?” He so casually responded “oh no, nine times out of ten I’d have a wank at work.” Now, I’m NOT here to yuck someone’s yum, HOWEVER, this is NOT the first partner I’ve had to do this! My husband is a tradie, one was in real estate, another was in the medical area. My question is… is this normal? Why not do it at home? Is it a risk kink thing?
  
  

• HUSBAND NOT REACHING OUT WHILST AWAY

  My husband has gone to Darwin for a week for a friend's 40th (we live in NSW) which is fine. I encouraged him to go. I am at home with our 2 children, aged 2 and 4 months. I am feeling a little bit let down with how often he is checking in with me while he is away. I feel like I have been initiating all contact with him, sending messages with updates of the kids etc and he takes hours to respond if at all. He doesn’t bother to send good morning or goodnight messages or calls. And I can see that he has been active online. He is staying at his brother's house and I know for a fact they have just been sitting around drinking for the last few days. Am I being unreasonable thinking he should be checking in on us more? I have pulled back on how many times I initiate contact to see whether he would pick it up on his end, but he hasn’t. Should I bring it up with him or just let it go?
  
  

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
lands were never seated.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
We pay our respects to their elders past and present.

Speaker 3 (00:07):
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
recorded on gadigal Land. Hi, guys, and welcome back to
another episode.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Kisha, and you are
particularly chirpy right now for someone who's not very medical.
We've been away very caffeinated medicaid. I'm not medicated at all,
but I am.

Speaker 3 (00:37):
I am caffeinated, and I am going to go into
my second coffee and I'm okay with that. It's because
we've been up since like five fucking thirty in the morning.
We've had one interview before this, and now we've back
to back in today.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
Yeah, and I don't want to bread crumb everyone, but
that might be one of my favorite interviews ever.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
That is a bread crumb was Johan Hari. He's great,
We love him.

Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, it's all about diet drugs, so drugs like his zmpig.
It's coming out very soon.

Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
We've been wanting to do an episode on ozebic for
a very long time. It's been the top of my list,
but finding someone to talk about it who's not promoting it,
and also doing it in a way that is sensitive
to everything that we've spoken about in the past in
terms of fat shaming and the body positivity movement. It's
like almost like, how do you have those two conversations

(01:19):
at the same time, which is why we found your
hunt because he is amazing and he can do everything,
and that is coming up very soon. But today is
ask gun cut where we answer, oh, you're deep, you're dark,
and you're burning questions and Keisha, I have a question
for you.

Speaker 2 (01:34):
Now.

Speaker 3 (01:34):
I know you're not a mum, but I would like
to know how you would respond in this situation. So
yesterday I was getting Malee ready to get in the
bath and she goes, hey, I know what the F
word is.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
Now, for anyone who doesn't know, Maley is four.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
She's four years old and she goes to preschool. She goes,
I know what the F word is? And I was like, oh,
do you and she's like yeah, and the H word
and I was like, what's the hate. I'm still I'm
not sure about that. Anyway, I was like, what's the
F word? And she goes, fucking and I was like,
I'm sorry, what and she goes, it's fucking and I
was like, I mean you could have just said fuck,

(02:10):
but sure it is.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
It is also fucking. And I was like, how did
you know this? And she goes and it's also fuck
and I was like.

Speaker 3 (02:15):
Okay, please stop saying. Her sister was in the bath
next to her, like the two year old, and I
don't give a fuck. Yeah, she had it all. She
was like, here's the plural, here's all of the ways
in which you can say the word fuck.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
I'm kind of impressed by that. No I'm not.

Speaker 3 (02:30):
I am absolutely not. And I was like Marley, and
she goes, yeah, so you're not allowed to say it,
but this is it. She kept saying it and saying
it and saying it, and I was like, Maley, you
need to stop saying that word now. It is very
very naughty. Come with me, we're going to go out
of the room. And she just kept saying it in front.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Of Lawla and Lala was like, what's that word anyway?

Speaker 3 (02:47):
So I take her out of the bathroom and I
sit her down and I was like, you're not in trouble,
but it is a very very naughty word. I'm glad
that you told me that you know how to say it.
I was like, but could you talk to me about why,
you know, because we don't. We don't swear around her
as much as I swear so much. You guys probably
like what, we really try not to swear around her
at all?

Speaker 2 (03:05):
Because it was such upstanding parents.

Speaker 3 (03:08):
Who taught you this word, so that I can crucify it,
I was like, is it anakeisha? Probably she is a
smutty talker, so anyway, I asked her and she was like, oh,
this boy at school and she said his name who?
She has said anytime the teachers aren't watching or listening,
he will say swear words, but also says it to
other kids and more. Is just like trying to exercise
his right to use a word that he's obviously being told.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
He can't use.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Sorry, I want to tell that little kid that he
can go get fucked. He's not telling Maley the fuck off.
He's not telling her that he doesn't fucking like her.

Speaker 2 (03:38):
Who is he? I'm coming to daycare.

Speaker 3 (03:40):
I'll give you the name when we're not on record.
This sounds stupid now that I'm saying it out loud.
I'm like, Okay, it's so obvious. But I was like,
do I call the daycare and dob on this four
year old?

Speaker 2 (03:48):
Do I do it? Is that what we do?

Speaker 3 (03:50):
Like?

Speaker 2 (03:50):
Do I tell the daycare that this four year old
is doing this? Is it like?

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Or am I being an over Am I being a
helicopter parent? Or is that a situation where you're like, look,
the teacher should know.

Speaker 1 (04:00):
I grew up in a really quite a conservative environment,
and I think there's a lot to making something a
forbidden fruit human nature. Is it just makes you want
it more, Like you're making a big deal out of it,
and so they're just gonna do it more.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
That's my thing.

Speaker 3 (04:13):
I was like, is it making it a bigger problem
by singling him out and being like he is so naughty?
I mean his four he's just got bigger brothers. He
doesn't know how naughty it is.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
I mean I can't speak from any lived experience whatsoever,
because I'm not responsible for young children, But through my
own experience, I think if I was in this situation,
I would eer on the side of like trying not
to even speak about it and make it something that's
super forbidden because like it's gonna happen at some point anyway.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
I mean, they're just gonna go to school.

Speaker 1 (04:44):
Soon, like it's going to be spoken about. People are
gonna say it. And I think that in my experience
because there was such an emphasis on swearing and you know,
using the law's name in Vain and all these different things,
all these different rules in my household.

Speaker 3 (04:58):
Swearing and also using the lord's and again we're all together,
all in compass. I've got Marley like fuck it, and
you're like, blasphemy, stop stop it.

Speaker 2 (05:09):
I wasn't allowed to say, Oh my gosh, okay, but
did it?

Speaker 1 (05:12):
This is what I mean it was, So I've made
It's something that I am now kind of thinking maybe
if it wasn't something that was so forbidden, I wouldn't
have been so inclined to like think about it in
a cheeky way. So I don't know, Okay, it's hard
to say, because I guess every kid's different.

Speaker 3 (05:29):
I'm really on the fence with this. Hopefully by the
time you guys listen to this, slide into my DMS,
tell me what you think. I kind of want to
call the daycare and be like, hey, just keep an
ear to the ground. I kind of want to say
something only because I'm like, well, if she has come
to me and she's told me this information as a parent,
am I supposed to do something with it? So she
feels like she's listened to And I don't know, There's

(05:53):
so many ways you can mess your kids up. I'm
just like, I'm trying to do with the least amount
of damage as possible.

Speaker 2 (05:58):
Therapy is going to be very expensive. One day, I
think it could be a bit of a carot by calling.

Speaker 1 (06:04):
There could be a secret option ce and it could
be that when you pick her up from dayk you
could maybe mention it to one of your favorite teachers
and just be like, look, I just want to let
you know that this happened.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
I don't necessarily want you to do anything about it.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
I'm just making you aware and you guys can make
your own decision on where you stand on it. But
this kind of feels to me right now like Britt
rousing on us because.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
One time, one time, it was our first ever.

Speaker 3 (06:32):
If you guys have watched the YouTube, the very first
time Kisha and I ever did an episode together was
Britt was away because she I think she was doing
fertility stuff at the time, and she made Scotland. Okay,
she was in Scotland. We had issues with the Cross
Continent record. For everyone who's always like, why doesn't Bridges
move to Scotland and you guys can record from there.

Speaker 2 (06:49):
We've tried. It really doesn't work, that's the problem.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
Anyway, we couldn't do this record one day the internet
wasn't working. Keisha had to step in. There was a
lot of swearing at the start of the episode. It
was very funny though it.

Speaker 1 (07:02):
Was a bit unhinged, but also it was one of
those things where we kind of thought it was going
to be where we stopped down and like reset and
start the We were like, fine, this is actually really funny,
and so we just left it and I thought it
was fine.

Speaker 2 (07:16):
I was like, yes, there's a lot of swearing. One
particular weather that came out of my mouth. Probably it
wasn't the effort.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
And I thought it was. I thought the juice was
worth the squeeze. And Britt reviewed that YouTube and she
was like, guys, this was crash as anything.

Speaker 3 (07:32):
We're like sorry, maule I was like, fuck off.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
Fine. She did call us to tell us it was
kind of like calling the daycare anyway. Now, you know,
we got roused on by my boss.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
But you're equal, and so now you have to make
the decision as to whether you're going to be the
brit in this situation or whether you're going to be
the US.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
Maybe I'll make Matt be the brit that seems like
a better solution. Better solution, I will make Matt call
daycare and that I can pretend like I'm above this anyway.
I'd love to know what you guys, if there's any
parents out there who have had to deal with this
type of thing. We are all just kind of making
our way through. I don't know what I'm doing as
a parent. I'm trying really hard, and I'm maybe doing
okay ninety percent of the time and the other ten percent.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
Yeah, I think you're doing way better than ninety percent
of the time. You have beautiful little girls who are
really polite and they've got gorgeous mind.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
I actually love your.

Speaker 1 (08:17):
Children, and I'm not like that with everyone's I'm like
that with my own nephews and your kids, and.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
That's pretty much it. That's a real compliment.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
We did have a bit of a go at me
last night, A go is a bit harsh, But you
mentioned to me while I was on the phone that I.

Speaker 2 (08:31):
Was on loudspeaker and I was swearing to him.

Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, so I'm pretty sure it's this kid at daycare
and also Ani Keisha, that are the real culpras for
my children's potty mouth. Anyway, we have some actually, we
have such a good breadth of questions today. One of
them actually featured on the Facebook page and it got
you guys so riled up, and so we really wanted
to do a deep dive on that on the episode
that's coming up. But first it's time for vibes and unsubscribes. Keisha,

(08:54):
what is your vibe or unsubscribe for the week.

Speaker 1 (08:57):
I mean, I already posted about my unsubscrib We spoke
about it on Tuesday.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
I'm not gonna mention it.

Speaker 3 (09:02):
You can't speak about the unsubscribed because it's also my vibe,
So stop shitting on her.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
Okay, Okay, we'll get into that.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
I have an actual vibe this week, and I'm back
into the luxuries of sleep.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
No, I want to make this really clear before I
talk about it.

Speaker 1 (09:16):
I love Lynn and have been a sponsor of the
podcast before, but they weren't at all involved in this,
like what as a normal customer. So I initially saw
this recommended on Kelly Finlayson, who I've had on the
podcast before, on her Instagram account. So it's a mattress topper.
This one is called Hotel Cloud Collection. It is the softest,

(09:38):
most comfortable. It feels like a hug from within mattress topper.

Speaker 2 (09:45):
It is delightful.

Speaker 1 (09:47):
I thought it was made of feathers, and to be honest,
I didn't look what it was made of before I
purchased it. I just went that looks really comfort. It
was recommended on her Instagram. Apparently heaps people wrote in
to her about it.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
I'm gonna get one. It looks great.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
I purchased while it was on sale, so I got
it for two fifty nine, which is currently what the
price is if you go onto the website. And I
just assumed, oh my gosh, these feathers are so cozy.
Turns out no, it's actually vegan. It's some microfiber filling
that feels like feathers and silk.

Speaker 2 (10:15):
And I actually can guarantee you no ducks were killed
for this, No chickens were plucked.

Speaker 1 (10:21):
It is so comfortable. It has been the greatest joy
of my last week. And I vibe the heck out
of it.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
What is the what's the brand? Evan? I love linen.
I love linen. And it's a mattress topper. Yeah, so
you know the things that you put like a if
you have a not a mattress topper.

Speaker 3 (10:36):
Is you're gonna go into the detail of explaining it.
That thing that you top on a mattress, it goes under.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
Your fit sheet, has a strap goes on, So it's
kind of a It's a couple inches thick, and it
seems to be in these little squares of what I
assumed to a feathers turns out not feathers, but that's
what it feels like. And so as you lay into it,
it just feels as though it's giving you this like
little cloud cuddle.

Speaker 3 (10:58):
And it's so I am enjoying that we're back in
the sleep hygiene era.

Speaker 2 (11:02):
I've had really bad sleep lately.

Speaker 3 (11:04):
It's a very sleep Hygiene's like a real twenty twenty thing,
isn't it if the elixir of life? Laura, It's like
I spars and sleep hygiene and I don't know what
are the rest of it used to be infrared saunas
like these are it.

Speaker 2 (11:18):
Firstly, it's free micro dosing, like it's all the same.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
Oh God, we're not gonna get to get into micro
dosing anyway.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
It is my vibe for the week. I love it.
If you're in the market for a mattress topper, highly recommend. Okay,
I have two recommendations this week.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
One of them is something that I've actually had for
a while, but I discovered a feature about it which
has made me love it so much more. So. I
have two Koala couches, you know, Cooala mattresses, so coal mattresses.
I've never had one, but every influencer under the sun
talks about Coala mattresses. I'm sure they're great, and I'm
sure they're also getting paid to say so. I am
not getting paid to say that their couches are great,

(11:56):
just putting that out there. So I have their fold
out couch, which is like like.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
A sofa bed fold out that goes in our spare room.

Speaker 3 (12:02):
But then I also have like their couch couch, but
like a three and a half seater big couch in
our lound room. The fold out one is super practical.
It's really really convenient. It's a bit too hard, needs
a good topper, so that's great. You could get it
too far. That's my review on that. But the actual
big couch that we have in our lound room is

(12:23):
fucking fantastic. And the reason why I'm recommending it is
because only this weekend I discovered because it doesn't you know, normally,
when you can remove the covers of a couch, it
looks like a couch that you can remove the covers of.
The covers never quite fit well on it. It looks
as though it's a bit ill fitting. All the covers
are always a little bit too big for the couch itself.
So I never ever realized that you could remove the

(12:43):
couch covers of this Koala couch and chuck them straight
in the washing machine until I dropped an entire glass
of red wine on it on Sunday night, and then
I was like, well, that's the that's the couch gone. Anyway,
Matt was like, I wonder if you can take these
off lo and behold the couch covers come off. They
went in the machine and the couch looks brand new.

Speaker 2 (13:02):
So if you've been considering a.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
Koala Couch high highly highly highly recommend and then my
last and very quick recommendation, which I know we spoke
about it at the very end of yesterday's episode, sorry,
Tuesday's episode, but that is Baby Reindeer. I have watched
the whole thing now and I think it is brilliant.
I think it is brilliantly shot. It's on Netflix if
you haven't seen it. It's been widely talked about, widely recommended.

(13:26):
It is a really incredible, well documented story and the
main actor in it is also the writer of it.
It is a true story or true from his experience,
and it's all around stalking, and it features around a
female stalker, which I don't think you see as often.
But it is very, very, very brilliantly done.

Speaker 2 (13:43):
I have my own opinions on it, but I.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
Have actually seen a lot of publication in the last
twenty four hours about how he is quite actively asking
people to stop looking into who the real Matha is.
To me, this just seems like such a full circle conversation.
Because she stalked him, He's now created this huge sensational
TV show about it, and now people are stalking her

(14:11):
and he's kind of toying with the idea that he's
made this so insanely public that she's going to suffer
at the bottom of the pylon, and I think he's
having some complex feelings about it.

Speaker 3 (14:21):
It's a very I mean, if you guys haven't seen
Baby reind yet, I don't want to spoil anything for you,
but yeah, it does feature around Martha. She is the
person who's stalking You've discovered that in the first episode.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
I think it even comes up in the bio. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (14:33):
I guess for me, I have some complex feelings around
and this is probably an unfair thing to say, but
it's almost around the like what did you expect? Because
I think if you go so hard with the this
is a true story, but you only tell the parts
of it that.

Speaker 2 (14:46):
You know, you give people so much.

Speaker 3 (14:49):
Of course, people are gonna want answers, and that's just
the result of being invested in the series. I'm not
saying that that is okay. I think it is deeply
fundamentally wrong. I mean, this woman's she's already paid the
price for what she has done. There is another person
who is in the movie, who I think or in
the show, who I think should be getting more airtime.
It is somebody who has not yet paid the price

(15:09):
for the crimes in which they committed, and it's around
sexual assault, it's around grooming, and I think that that
person should really be where the audience is focusing their
attention and focusing their interest. But I mean, I'm talking
about the show purely from like an entertainment perspective, purely
from viewing it and thinking it was really quite a
fascinating and I wouldn't say it's enjoyable, but it makes

(15:29):
you feel something to watch it. But I do question
when something is a true story, it's a true story
from one person's perspective, from one person's lived experience, and
so it is very one dimensional in that case, and
I think it's unfair when as an audience we try
and get more information or try and fit the pieces
of puzzle together, because there's real people at the end
of the day who are affected by this.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
I actually find this whole conversation really really fascinating because,
on one hand, any time you speak in a public space,
and this could be done on your own Instagram count,
you know that is somewhat of.

Speaker 2 (16:01):
A public broadcast.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
There is that deliberation between what is my story and
my lived experience and how much sensitivity do I need
to provide and privacy do I need to provide for
the other people in my life who have been a
part of my life. And it's something that I remember
back in my very early days of radio, I crossed
that line a little bit, like occasionally, not hugely, but
every now and then I would have someone in my life,

(16:24):
like my mum was one of them, and she was like, Hey,
I heard this thing that you said on the radio.
Could you just like not talk about that publicly because
I just I'm just I don't want that to be
a story. And I just find that concept very interesting
because I don't know where you can draw the line
because for every person it will be different. But also,
how are we going to have any progression of you know,

(16:46):
real lessons. I guess if we're not telling the stories
of people. So it's this kind of complex gray area
that I don't even know where you can land.

Speaker 3 (16:55):
Yeah, And I guess the thing if you if you
haven't watched Baby Reindeer yet, what I took from it
is that he is not a perfect victim in this
and that there was also an element of the stalking
that he enjoyed. He enjoyed being part of the center
of attention, not center of attention, but he enjoyed how
it made him feel because he was so deeply depressed

(17:15):
and hated himself and having someone show interest in him.
But then it gives me more empathy for the person
who's the stalker because they're obviously mentally unwell and they
have been almost like led down the path and being
given breadcrumbs of affirmation that what they're doing isn't wrong.
So it's it's very very complex. It'll make you feel something.
I'm not saying that those feelings are going to be
good feelings. Big recommendation. It's on Netflix. Let's get into

(17:38):
answering the questions, Laura.

Speaker 1 (17:40):
This question was initially written in the Facebook group by Megan,
who is a wonderful woman who posts on behalf of
other people anonymously in the group Huge shout out to
you you don't get enough reconditional love you and Hannah
Lauren is the other I would just love to get
your take on it. The question reads, please let me
know if I'm being unreasonable or not. My partner Mail

(18:02):
thirty seven is a big drinker and also has an
overactive bladder, which leads him to wedding the bed basically
every weekend when he drinks. I've expressed my discontent with
this numerous times throughout our three year relationship, and I've
tried to help by buying nappies, setting alarms during the night,
and trying to trick him into sleeping in other rooms.
I've also pushed him to see a urologist, where he
now takes medication to urinate less throughout the day. However,

(18:25):
as the bed wedding is primarily a problem from alcohol,
He's frequently still wedding the bed. This impact has extended
to when we go away with friends for weddings, on holidays, etc.
And he makes no effort to drink less, and I'm
left to monitor him throughout the night to make sure
he gets up to pete and doesn't wet the bed,
as we will then have nowhere else to sleep. I'm

(18:46):
at my wits end, and I have gone to see
a relationship counselor who basically said, long story short, that
if I try to change the unchangeable and I'm going
to drive myself crazy and I basically need to learn
to live with it. My partner has an enormous victim
mentality about this, and his only emotional response is that
it's not fair that his mates can drink as much
as they want without this problem, And why me it's

(19:07):
not fair? Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to
drink less to stop this problem? If he was in
his early twenties, i'd give him time to grow out
of it. But at nearly forty, I'm heavily considering leaving
the relationship because it's so sad and unattractive and I
don't want this for my future. Please tell me if
I'm being too hard on him like he says I am.

Speaker 3 (19:28):
When I read this question and for so many people
who message in the Facebook group, I was like, oh wow, Wow, Okay,
I'm gonna start. Everyone accepts different things in their relationship.
Everybody has a different benchmark for what they will accept
from their partner when it comes to behavior, when it

(19:48):
comes to things that they can and they can't control,
Everyone's level is different. Yours is very different to where
mine is because I already wouldn't be in this relationship
because of this. But I do understand what the therapist
has said, even if I don't agree with it. What
they're saying to you is that if you want to
be in a relationship with this person and they are

(20:09):
absolutely not going to change this behavior, then there has
to come a point where you accept that this behavior
is not going to change, and that's something where your
standards drop because you want to be with them. Specifically,
I would like to approach it from the other perspective,
which is I wouldn't want to be in a relationship
with someone who requires me to drop my standards so

(20:32):
much because they prefer to drink then to stop pissing
the bed. Like for me, I read this and I
would say, your partner has a problem with alcohol. If
they're drinking to a point where they wet the bed
every weekend or every time you go away or to
an event, that is a drinking problem. That is an
issue with alcohol. And when he says, oh, it's so

(20:53):
unfair that my friends can do X y Z but
I can't.

Speaker 2 (20:57):
That is welcome to the real world. It's so deeply immature.

Speaker 3 (21:02):
Like to me, I listened to that, and I'm like,
what if your friends stick their head and the oven
are you going to like that mentality? I would say
that to a four year old and the fact that
you have to say that to a forty year old
would give And I don't want to be like it
gives me the ick, but it so deeply gives me theck.
It is so childish to me that you were left
in a situation where you were the one who is
having to try and fix this problem, and when you're

(21:23):
saying it leaves us with nowhere to sleep, or you're
having to go and buy nappies, or you're having to
clean up. He is a grown fucking adult and you
are not his mom. You are not responsible for his incontinence.
And it would be very different if he was incontinent
because he'd had prostate cancer, or incontinent because he had
some sort of urology issue. But the fact is that
it comes from alcohol. And so to me, I'm like,

(21:44):
your problem here is that your partner has an issue
with alcohol.

Speaker 2 (21:47):
I said exactly.

Speaker 1 (21:49):
I mean very much along these lines in the Facebook
group when I initially commented on this, and I said
that I would have a much deeper sympathy if this
was purely a medical issue, but it's not because he
is able to not.

Speaker 2 (22:01):
Wet the bed every other day of the week.

Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, the thing I really pointed out is that for him,
it seems as though there aren't consequences to his behavior,
and that's where I think things have progressively gotten worse.
I question why. Firstly, I find it very strange that
he doesn't have shame about this. Why is he not
the one having to fix these situations? Why is he
not the one to have to tell your friends while

(22:24):
you're away, Hey, sorry, we need to get some fresh
linen because I've wet the bed again. Yeah, it just
seems as though there's no consequence for him because you
care about him so much and you're so worried about
him feeling shame that you do it all for him.
There was actually a comment by Tanil in the Facebook
group that I thought was it just summarized absolutely everything,

(22:46):
and she said it better than I did. She said,
would I leave a good relationship because someone had an overactive.

Speaker 2 (22:51):
Blooder and wet the bed?

Speaker 1 (22:52):
No? Would I leave a relationship because my partner treated
me like his parent, didn't listen to my clear communication,
didn't take into account my feelings and the effects his
life had on me, was having an issue based on
his own actions and choices, and still chose not to
do anything about it, someone who decided he was the
victim and I just have to live with the consequences

(23:14):
of it, And someone who is clearly self absorbed and
didn't respect me. Yes, I absolutely would drop Mike. Yeah,
this summarized that it comes down to a respect ish
and like, I just I actually feel so frustrated for
you because the audacity of this person to treat you
like you are worthy of being pissed on in the

(23:36):
middle of the night. You know, Like, how is drinking
with his friends to the extent that he does because
he thinks it's fair that if old mate has a beer,
he gets to have one too. How is that more
important to you than urinating on your partner?

Speaker 2 (23:52):
It's just fucking wild to me.

Speaker 3 (23:53):
But also, like I mean, I don't know, have you
ever been in a situation where a partner's drunk so
much they've pissed the bad because I have.

Speaker 2 (23:59):
I haven't.

Speaker 3 (23:59):
Actually I have, And I've also been in a situation
where I've had people stay at my house and their
boyfriend got so drunk that they pissed in my bed.

Speaker 2 (24:07):
So I've been on both sides. At this point.

Speaker 3 (24:08):
I came home one day and my mattress was out
on my balcony drying out because their boyfriend had wet
my bed. And to be fair, she was furious, and
he was embarrassed, and he had to come to me
and apologize and he tried to clean it. But like,
I appreciate at least the embarrassment, and I appreciate at
least the acknowledgment of it, but also that relationship. One

(24:32):
of the biggest reasons why their relationship broke up and
they were married is because he had a drinking problem,
and because when he would drink, he would piss the bed.
And so this was repeated behavior that he took absolutely
no accountability for. And so I think that there comes
a point where you're like, do I want to live
like this? You're not twenty, and you've said it. If
you're twenty, you would have given him allowances. I mean,

(24:54):
the reference I have is when I was in my twenties,
I dated a guy who when he drank too much,
he would wet the bed.

Speaker 2 (24:59):
He did twice, he never did it again. He was humiliated.

Speaker 3 (25:03):
It was like he needed to do it once to
be humiliated in the first place, and then he needed
to do it twice to know what his limit was,
and he was like, oh, I got there again. That's
what that limit was, right, and he never ever did
it again, but he It's exactly what you said, Cash.
It's the lack of embarrassment around it. And I'm not
saying that like if you're and I'm going to be clear,
I think we already have. If you are someone who
has incontinence issues that you can't control, I don't want

(25:26):
you to feel that there's this deep shame around it.
But if it's something that you can control but you
are not because you were preferencing alcohol, that I think
is something that is pretty shameful and it's something that
I think you should be at least trying to get
to the reason as to why why are you needing
to drink on a weekend to a point where you
don't have the ability to wake up to control your bladder,

(25:47):
Like that is past the point of normal drinking.

Speaker 2 (25:51):
I fully agree with that everything you've said. My last
point is that I.

Speaker 1 (25:55):
Think if you are determined on staying in this relationship,
which it actually doesn't sound like you are. You said
you're at your wits end, You're kind of at the
point where you're about to break and I think that
that is so reasonable.

Speaker 3 (26:05):
No. Also, the thing you've said here is please tell
me if I'm being too hard on him, like he
says that I am.

Speaker 2 (26:10):
No, he's gas lighting you.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
You were being gas lit into believing that you haven't
been tolerant or understanding or accepting enough.

Speaker 2 (26:17):
That's what this is.

Speaker 3 (26:18):
You've been manipulated to feel guilty about the fact that
you have adverse reactions to this.

Speaker 1 (26:23):
I think the only way you will be able to
progress in this relationship is if you get to the
heart of why he's feeling the need to drink. Often,
with any type of substance abuse alcoholism.

Speaker 2 (26:38):
There is a reason.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
There is a deep reason why people feel that they
need to drink to the extent that they do.

Speaker 2 (26:44):
Is it to forget something? Is it to not have
social anxiety?

Speaker 1 (26:47):
And I know I'm giving so much leniency here, and
it's not my natural reaction.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
I'm just trying to think of this a little bit
more wholeheartedly.

Speaker 1 (26:55):
I think if you're able to understand the reason why
he feels the need to drink to that extent, it
might give you a little bit more context and it
may lead you to a potential solution.

Speaker 2 (27:08):
The only other solution to me is that you break up.

Speaker 1 (27:10):
And that's why I'm kind of trying to give this
other alternative because that's the only thing. This person, to me,
seems like he has a real issue with taking responsibility
and accountability, and I doubt this is the only time
that it shows up in your relationship.

Speaker 3 (27:23):
Yeah, And it's really hard because like when you say,
like you've been to see a counselor about it, you've
been to speak to a therapist. I find it so
interesting that often the person who isn't the issue will
go and seek the therapy, right the person who is asking,
literally begging their partner to change, is the one that
goes to the therapist. But nothing's going to change in
your relationship unless the person who has the issue also

(27:45):
wants to go and speak to a counselor also is
showing up to the relationship with the same wants and
desires for it to be better as what you do.
So I kind of I feel really sorry for you
that the feedback or that the advice that you've received
is that you just have to accept it. I don't
want you to interpret that as though you're not being
understanding enough. What they're trying to say to you in
that moment is that if this is a relationship that

(28:06):
you want, you can't change this on your own. So
the only way of changing it is to change your
mindset around it. But I don't think changing your mindset
is the solution here. I think he needs to fucking
step up. And sometimes you have to realize what it
is that you've lost the consequences of your actions in
order to actually change. And that's what it feels like,
is the situation here, all right? Question number two? This

(28:28):
is funny, I think, and I wonder if you have
strong feelings about this or how everyone feels. I randomly
asked my husband when he had his last wank, to
which he replied, oh, no, probably last week. Me, being
a stay at home mum who is home all the time,
then asked, was I home, and he so casually responded,
oh no, nine times out of ten, I just have

(28:49):
a wank at work now I'm not here to yuck
someone's yum. However, this is not the first partner I've
had do this. My husband is a trade A guy
I dated was in real state, and then another one
worked in medical My.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
Question is is this normal? Why not do it at home?

Speaker 3 (29:05):
Is it a risk kink thing or is this just
something that guys do. I don't masturbate at work. Logistically,
it's not my thing. I don't want to sit in
a cubicle and finger myself finger blast myself on a
public toilet.

Speaker 1 (29:19):
That I'm grateful Laura for that, as we have more
than one toilet in our bathrooms here at Wall.

Speaker 3 (29:26):
To be fair, if I'm glad, I don't hear a
buzz buzz, even if I wanted to kisha every single
time I say I'm going to the toilet, you follow
me in.

Speaker 2 (29:32):
I am a reappeal a lot of time. I've never
weed in bed with you. Okay, you should be grateful
for that, that's true.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
My initial reaction to this was legitimately, what the actual
fuck are you talking about? No, this isn't normal, and
I decided to do a read of the room. I
asked my boyfriend. He said he's never done it, and
he's done overnight shifts. I had six girls over at
my house last night for book club, and I was like, guys,
tomorrow on the podcast, I think this is something we're

(29:58):
going to talk about can I get a reader the room?
What's your go and what do your partners think? Much
more common than I anticipated. How many out of the
six ah, I think it was nearly fifty to fifty.
And the fifty percent who were like no, were like,
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (30:14):
It's never something that I've asked them. I've never thought
I needed to.

Speaker 3 (30:17):
So were they saying yes to themselves or yes for
their partners? Like for their partners?

Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, well I actually didn't get to ourselves, but I
asked about partners first, and they responded with things like, yeah,
I think he's done it, like in the showers at work,
you know, if they either go for a run or
something equal.

Speaker 2 (30:35):
It was the gym.

Speaker 1 (30:36):
Apparently it's something that people sometimes do in the shower
at the gym.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
That seems really unnecessary. This person has written in saying
that their husband is a trade. My brother's a trade.
He's a builder.

Speaker 1 (30:49):
He doesn't even let the people who work on his
job sites use the bathrooms of the people whose homes
they're creating.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
So he's masturbating in a portaloo. It's like, that's what
that I need some ambience? Men?

Speaker 3 (31:02):
Really, they don't need a lot, do they a lot
of them, like far out.

Speaker 2 (31:09):
Yeah, it's a process for me. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (31:12):
Wow, I do think men and women we're speaking mostly
like from like heterosexual position, but like I would say,
guys are more likely to do it than what women are.
But I'm not ruling out women masturbating at work. I
think that they're also there's many more reasons loaded into it,
Like female pleasure has been something that's like been very shrouded.
It's been very stigmatized for so long. I'm okay with

(31:33):
the stigma of wanking at work. I'm not that progressive.

Speaker 1 (31:38):
I'm actually okay with being like, now, that's a bit strange.

Speaker 3 (31:41):
Do you imagine if that was the next movement, women
who wank at work?

Speaker 2 (31:45):
WW? We want equal rights. Sorry, I'm gonna get canceled.

Speaker 1 (31:51):
To me, there just seems like there's logistical complications here.

Speaker 2 (31:55):
How do you clean yourself up? How you are you cyber?

Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (32:00):
If you get it else, silent work just ww.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
Sorry, I'm not sure we should be normalizing it. If
I was going to put my energy into normalizing something
that has stigma, this isn't it.

Speaker 2 (32:12):
But I do think maybe maybe it could be.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
Related to how you respond to whether your partner masturbates
at home? Bear with me, he said nine times out
of ten, he'll do it at work, because she was like,
but I'm home all the time. So are you the
person who's not okay with your partner masturbating while you're
at home? Or is it more just a case that,
like you're physically at home, and like often you'll walk
into the bathroom when he's in the shower and vice versa. Yeah,

(32:40):
I always wonder when Matt does it, because I'm like,
I'm home a lot when he's home, although he does
work from home, so I'm guessing probably that complexes the
question of do you wankn work, because like for him,
it's a one in one in all, Yeah, do you
wank in the same spot that you do your work? Though?

Speaker 3 (32:56):
Like do you wank at the table or is it
always in the shower or the bedroom? Do you remember
how earlier you said like you share other people's stories,
and sometimes you think that maybe you share things that
are not yours to share. I think I'm walking into
that territory right now. Hey, honey, where do you wank in?
What part of their house? Just so I know, do
you use the towels or the toilet. People like, what's
it like? Should we get that detailed? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 (33:18):
I feel like it's fine to leave that as a
question mark.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
Okay, rhetorical. He doesn't need to answer, and Mattie J
Will not be joining us.

Speaker 1 (33:24):
But what I mean by this is like, if you're
the type of person who doesn't like your partner masturbating
at home, especially when you're home, because the question could
be like, well, why don't you want to have sex
with me? I don't have a problem with that because
to me, masturbation and having sex are very different things.
The intimacy is very different. One's more of a physical need,
one's more of an emotional thing.

Speaker 3 (33:42):
As so long as your sex life is not affected,
I don't think we should be telling people when they
can and can't masturbate.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Well, some people actually really don't like it. They don't
like the idea of their partner getting off while they
are at home.

Speaker 2 (33:54):
That's problematic.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
It's personal preference to some degree. I think I think
it depends. It's one of those gray areas for me,
But that would be my next question to you. Is
he doing it nine times out of ten at work?
Because he doesn't feel comfortable doing it at home, maybe
he'll be doing it.

Speaker 2 (34:09):
In the portalloo less if you tell him that you're
fine with it.

Speaker 3 (34:13):
I find that so I'm still hung up on what
you just said. I find it so interesting that you
think it is a gray area to not be okay
with your partner masturbating so long as it doesn't affect
your relationship. I think if they're doing it so frequently
that it affects your sex life, I would have an
issue with it.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
I think it depends on where they do it.

Speaker 3 (34:30):
But if totally okay, if they're doing it whilst you're
asleep next to you, like problem, that's what I mean
by gray area. If they are just in their free
time on a Tuesday at eleven because they work from home,
wanting to go upstairs, have a shower and have a wank.
Like I don't think that we have the autonomy over
another person's body to say whether they should or can't,
or could or can masturbate, Like that's it, that's your

(34:55):
personal preference. You do you, that's your body do or
whatever you want with it. I don't think we should
have license over people's bo like that.

Speaker 2 (35:00):
I completely agree.

Speaker 1 (35:01):
For me, the gray area comes down to whether it
is impacting you having sex, Like if they're masturbating so
much that you're not having sex, that could be a problem.
It might not be, but it could be totally if
they're doing it in places like if they're in the
shower and you're in the bathroom, you might not like that,
do you know what I mean? Like the area that
they do it and the privacy that they do it
from is where it becomes a gray area.

Speaker 2 (35:22):
Okay, I under so, yeah, yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 (35:24):
What And I completely agree that we can't be telling
people if it's not problematic where they can and can't
get off, unless maybe it's at work.

Speaker 3 (35:33):
Will definitely put a pole up for this. I would
love to know we're going to do two. Ask your
partners if you're in a relationship, I want to know
if your partners have masturbated at work. That's one pole.
But then I also want to know if you have
done it. And I think that these things will be
more skewed. So I have never that I can remember,
no whereas like maybe you have zero judgment, all right,

(35:54):
Question number three, My husband has gone to Darwin for
a week for a friend's fortieth.

Speaker 2 (35:58):
We live in New South Wales, which's fine.

Speaker 3 (36:00):
I encouraged him to go. I am home with our
two children at age two and four months.

Speaker 2 (36:05):
Oh poor thing. I'm feeling a little.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
Bit let down how often he is checking in with
me while he is away. I feel like I have
been initiating all contact with him, sending messages with updates
of the kids, etc.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
And he takes.

Speaker 3 (36:17):
Hours to respond, if at all. He doesn't bother to
send good morning or good night messages or calls. And
I can see that he has been active online. He's
staying at his brother's house, and I know for a
fact they have just been sitting around drinking for the
last few days. Am I being unreasonable thinking he should
be checking in on us more? I have pulled back
on how many times I initiate contact to see whether

(36:37):
he would pick it up on his end, but he hasn't.
Should I bring it up with him or just let
it go? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (36:45):
That sucks? That actually really sucks.

Speaker 1 (36:47):
And it sucks for two reasons, not just for you,
but also because it seems as though he's not really
checking in with.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
How the kid's own children are going.

Speaker 1 (36:55):
Ah, look, no you are not being too sensitive of whatsoever.
Do I think you should bring it up with him, Yeah,
I do, but I think you should wait until he
gets home until you bring it up with him.

Speaker 2 (37:08):
We've been in situations where we've been away for.

Speaker 1 (37:10):
Work, and like truly, it can be very, very very busy.
But I think that kind of the bare minimum is
the book end of the day. It's the good morning
and the good night, especially if you have children. It's
quite strange to me that he wouldn't actually be not
only wondering how the kids are going, but wondering how
you're going with.

Speaker 2 (37:30):
Them on your own.

Speaker 1 (37:32):
I think if you are wanting to get the best
out of this scenario, it will be best if you
wait until he comes home and you just say I
was really looking forward to you going away and having
a really good time with your brother. I think he's
gone away with some friends, and I even encourage you
to go.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
And as a part of that, I had to.

Speaker 1 (37:51):
Take on extra responsibility of looking after our children on
my own, and I expected that you would have a
bit more kindness, compassion and respect for me and want
to know how I was going in that situation, because
it was extra load for me and I was disappointed
by the fact that it seems as though you didn't care.

Speaker 3 (38:10):
I agree that you should have the conversation, but I
disagree with timing, and I think you should have it now,
which is probably annoying because by the time we actually
answer this question, who'll probably be home realistically, But and
I just say this from my personal experience, because I
have had this experience with Matt, and Matt has had
this experience with me. When you are the person who
leaves and you are away from your kids and from

(38:30):
your family, especially if you're normally so so so so
plugged in, there's two types of people. There's people who
are super proactive because they're so concerned and they miss
their children and miss their family and miss everything so
much that they are.

Speaker 2 (38:46):
Very, very constantly in contact.

Speaker 3 (38:49):
Then there are also people, and I think it's very
easy to jump down the throat of being like he
doesn't care. I also think it's a massive testament to
you that he's like, you've got this. The kids are
well taken care of, you know, I'm not worried about them,
But it does show a lack of interest in this moment,
and I would just I'm just playing devil's advocate. I
know there'll be other mums out there who will like,

(39:10):
shut up, Laura, but it's probably not that often that
he gets to plug into his friends and into the
pre kid life, you know, into like the lack of responsibility,
and I think the window of him going away on
this holiday is very small. So I would say if
this was me and I was in a situation, so
to not make it a massive, massive deal, to not

(39:31):
make it this big accusatory thing, to not harbor and
hold onto the resentment that you're going to feel when
he comes home, and then you bring it up when
he's home, when he can't do anything about it. The
situation's then passed and all he can do is be like, oh,
I'm so sorry, or he'll get defensive and say but
I did X y Z. I would just say the
next time I'm talking to him, like, hey, honey, i'm
feeling pretty lonely and I'm feeling like you're not making

(39:53):
much of an effort to contact me. Can you try
a bit harder? And then that gives him the opportunity
to try. And it's not accusatree, it's not you starting
a fight with him or making out that he's a
bad dad, or that he doesn't care about your family,
because if this is the only time that you've experienced this,
it's probably a very rare thing that he goes away,
and if he is normally an incredible husband, an incredible dad,

(40:14):
he probably is just caught up in being able to
spend time with his friends. I felt like this when
Matt went to Vegas recently, because he was so busy,
he was working. He was also in Vegas, and I
was at home being like.

Speaker 2 (40:25):
Uh, well, fuck a bit, you're having a good time.

Speaker 3 (40:27):
You know. I was getting like very short answers from him,
And when I was getting answers, it was like a
few hours had passed, and I just said to him,
I was like, can you put in a bit more
effort with contacting me? And Matt did, and he was amazing.
And I think sometimes we just need to be made
aware of what we're doing and how it's affecting the
person on the other end. And I don't think that
everything needs to end in a fight, and he'll just

(40:48):
try a little bit harder, or it gives him the
opportunity to try a little bit harder.

Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, they're really.

Speaker 1 (40:53):
Good points and I think you probably have more skin
in like, you have more actual lived experience in this
than would I do. So I feel a bit of
a phony trying to give advice because it doesn't.

Speaker 2 (41:02):
Need to have kids in the equation.

Speaker 3 (41:04):
It could just be your partner's away on holidays and
they're not contacting you as much.

Speaker 2 (41:07):
Well.

Speaker 1 (41:07):
The reason that I naturally would wait until someone got
home is in case of defensiveness, because I think for
most people it's so easy to naturally want to defend
yourself and want to defend your behavior. And when you
have that happening via text or whether you have it
happening via a quick call with his mates in the
next room, unless your partner is the type of person

(41:30):
who takes on feedback really well, I feel like it
could make the situation worse. Do you know? So that's
I guess you're gonna have to see. So that based
off of your own actual relationship.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
But your partner's reaction is defensive, it shows like a
real lack of immaturity. I think like a lack of maturity. Sorry,
And it depends on the way in which you're you're
saying this. I'm saying, don't come at it from an
accusatory way. Don't come at it saying like you're not
texting me. It's a like, hey, honey, I'm feeling a
little bit lonely at the moment. It's been a lot
with the kids. Could you text me a bit more?

(42:01):
Or can you just try and respond to me when
I know you're busy and I know you're having a
great time, but I would really love it if you
could try and get back to me, or you know,
message in the mornings or stuff like it makes me
feel like you're thinking about me. I do sometimes think
it's the way in which we word things that can
make something feel accusatory, and then that puts someone instantly
on the defense rather than it being like, Okay, we
both want the same thing. You know he loves you,

(42:22):
you know he wants to be with you, unless fundamentally
you're questioning those parts of your relationships.

Speaker 1 (42:29):
I think, I mean, I want to like examine myself
in this situation. I have naturally been the person who
takes criticism on really really badly, And I'm just thinking
about how even if you don't word it in an
accusatory way, someone still has the ability to take it
on as criticism, you know, And again I think the

(42:49):
way you have worded at Laura is going to be
the most likely to have a positive impact.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
But underlying you are disappointed and you are a bit
pissed off.

Speaker 1 (42:59):
So I think it's going to be hard to kind
of convey that message without any accusation at all of
being like, you haven't been living up to what I've
expected of you. And also I don't think you're expecting
too much. So he kind of is coming in it
to this situation with you being like, hey, you haven't
really reached out to me very much.

Speaker 2 (43:18):
It's true.

Speaker 1 (43:19):
It's not like he can turn around and be like,
but yes I have. He's immediately going to be like, fuck,
I haven't, you know.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
But when we talk about this idea of being defensive,
I think avoiding a conversation because you're worried about the
other person becoming defensive and gas Lardi. I guess my
question to you, Keish would be, well, then what is
the benefit of bringing it up after the fact, Because one,
they can't do any reparation, They can't do anything to
change it because it's already happened. And now it's like, Okay,

(43:45):
well you're angry at me about something that all I
can do is say sorry for I can't even I
wasn't aware of it. I didn't know, and now you're
annoyed and you haven't you didn't say anything. Yeah, yours
is much better conflict resolution.

Speaker 2 (43:59):
Well, it just to me it might not be.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
And I mean, for me, it would be a next time.
But who knows when the next time is going to be?
You know, like, and I very much see your point.
You're not giving him the opportunity to change the behavior
in the moment.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
You're only assuming that he will become defensive.

Speaker 3 (44:12):
My worry is is like if that was me and
that when I came home said hey, the whole time
that you were away, you did this and it upset me,
I'd be like, why didn't you tell me I was
away for a week And I had no intention of
upsetting you. I did not know that I was hurting
your feelings. I would never want to hurt your feelings.
I would have tried harder. And now I hate that
you spent that whole week thinking I didn't care about you.

(44:34):
You know, advice has changed my mind. Listen to Laura,
I am.

Speaker 2 (44:39):
Not a therapist.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
Your advice actually is a lot better in this situation,
and you are giving the ability to alter the behavior.

Speaker 2 (44:47):
Listen to Laura. Only take on what I've said. If
your partner is super defensive normally.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Yeah, but also maybe that's something that you'll need to
address in other areas. This feels way more I'm exposing
what goes on in my brain.

Speaker 2 (45:02):
Maybe you have anxiety too, who knows. Let's get into
the last question. Okay, question before.

Speaker 1 (45:09):
What I've loved about the questions in the last five
weeks that I've been able to fill in on asking
cut with you is that we have gone from such deep,
meaningful conversation to the silliest of silly things.

Speaker 3 (45:20):
And I think this is going to say that there's
no dumb questions, and I know I've said it before,
but like recently, there have been some, and that's okay,
we love it.

Speaker 1 (45:29):
Here's what I consider to be one wearing a brata work,
I haven't a couple of times I have small titties
and where normal neckline tops. Thought I could absolutely get
away with it, but I did just notice one of
my male coworkers looking down and it made me feel
a bit weird. I have a desk job, and am
worried it might not be very professional.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
We'd love your thoughts.

Speaker 3 (45:52):
This is a bit off tangent, but as soon as
I read this, it reminded me of something that happened
to me when I worked in marketing a fucking million
years ago. So I used to work for this company.
It was a dental sleep apnear company.

Speaker 2 (46:04):
Right.

Speaker 3 (46:04):
We used to make snee We used to make dental
devices for people who i'd sleep APNA, and I worked
in their marketing team and my marketing boss and I
back in the day, in my twenties, before kids sucked
the life out of my titties, I had reasonably good boobs,
reasonably good, not great, not terrible, reasonably good. Anyway, I
wore normal tops with normal bras to work. Like nothing

(46:26):
that you would think is revealing, Like I was an
office job, but I have like a it's called pectus
escavadam I think or something like that is that medical
medical people are going to think that I said that
wrong or I butchered it. But it's basically like I
have a hole in my chest, like my chest goes in.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
I have this like really deep Hello.

Speaker 3 (46:41):
Everybody on YouTube, I have a really deep, like con cave.
It's called pigeon chest for people who want like the
layman's terms in my chest anyway, which makes me look
like I have bigger boobs than I do.

Speaker 2 (46:50):
And I would be sitting at my desk shadow cleavage. Yeah,
it's fake, it's fake. Yes, I see fake cleavage. See
it really goes in. I'm sure they really appreciate your welcome.

Speaker 3 (47:03):
So I would sit on my desk and my marketing
manager would always come and talk to me from above me,
so he was always over me, so he would get
a bird's eye view of cleavage if.

Speaker 2 (47:11):
He wanted it. Pigeon.

Speaker 3 (47:13):
Do you know what he said to me this one day?
He said this is I'm not mincing his words. He said,
why do you like getting your tits out at work?

Speaker 2 (47:22):
Yeah? And I was.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
Mortified, absolutely fucking mortified because in my mind I was
just wearing a button up shirt with a braro on,
like I wasn't getting my tits out at work anyway.
Needless to say, like it was a different culture back then.
I think everybody has stories from you know, fifteen years ago,
almost twenty it was eighteen years ago as to how

(47:46):
working in offices was way more fucking problematic, and we
didn't have HR at the time, and anyway, it was
a ship place to work. But when I read this question,
I thought of that, and I thought of like the
what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate? And I think
it's a true one because where my brain goes to
instantly is fuck it if men can go to shirt
with their nipples obvious through their button up shirts, like

(48:08):
you should be able to too, you know, like you
shouldn't be told what you can and can't wear to work.
But then the more conservative side of me says, for
your own sense of like not being sexualized at work
and being able to one be seen as professional and
not to be in a situation where some absolute fucking
flog of a human is going to look down your
shirt or say anything that's overtly sexual to you, I

(48:31):
would wear a bra, And I know that that is
very much of like why did you wear a short
skirt mentality, which is not how I mean this to sound.
And I very very very much want like preface this
that that is absolutely not how I feel about this.
But I also think that from a work environment, there
are things that are deemed acceptable and not acceptable professional

(48:52):
and not professional, whether that's right or wrong. And I
would just say you don't have to not wear something
that's revealing. You can have your cleavage art, but I
would say wear a bra if it means it's less
easy for someone to be able to look down your top.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
Does that make sense.

Speaker 3 (49:05):
Without it being like and I don't want this to
be something that people interpret as though I'm shaming you
for what you do or don't wear. You can wear
whatever the fuck you want to. There's no dress code
that says women have to wear bras to work. I
just more mean that if it's obvious for someone to
see down your top, in the same way that if
a guy was bending over and I could see all
of his nipples out at work, I'd be like, why

(49:25):
are you wearing a singlet to work? It's not an
appropriate attire. I feel the same about what a woman wears.
And I say this from like, you know, guys normally
wear button up shirts.

Speaker 2 (49:33):
They are not revealing.

Speaker 3 (49:35):
What we can wear to work can be more revealing
because female clothing, professional clothing is far more varied and
there's far more of a spectrum of what we wear.

Speaker 2 (49:45):
Rather than just being a button up shirt.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
I think this comment, like, yes, the progressive part of
me wants to be like, burn the fucking bras wear whatever.
You have come so far with these conversations, But the
reality is that's not life. And the reality is that
in society right now, we deem some things appropriate, we
dem some things inappropriate, and if you're in a workplace environment,

(50:08):
those to me, I'm just like, I don't know if
this is the hill I would be willing to die
on because we have made such progression with gender equality,
particularly in the workplace. I'm like, is not wearing a
bra where you want to like focus the energy of
the progression of wherever you work?

Speaker 2 (50:25):
I don't know. My other question is where do you work?

Speaker 3 (50:27):
I mean, it's so dependent and when I'm saying, like
when I was talking about opposite center office job, are
you working at a desk job for a lawyers? Like,
there's different levels I think of professionalism of dress attire
for work. So I do think that that has to
be taken into consideration.

Speaker 1 (50:42):
Interestingly, and not to talk about myself, but I do
have lived experience from the opposite end of the spectrum.

Speaker 2 (50:48):
I'm naturally a ten.

Speaker 1 (50:49):
F people with big boobs have had to control the uncontrollable.
There have been times where I have been wearing perfectly
normal T shirts, normal T shirt, normal fittedness, whatever you'd
call it, Like, and when you have a big bust,
you are overtly sexualized regardless of what you're wearing.

Speaker 2 (51:10):
So to me, I kind of just go like, Oh.

Speaker 1 (51:13):
It would be a really nice debate for me to
be like, is it too one professional for me to
not wear a bra because my whole life it has been.

Speaker 2 (51:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (51:21):
And you also can't wear ninety percent of the tops
even if you wear a button up top. Is it
so tight between your boobs that the point where the
buttons are that you end up with a gape? You
end up with this big gaping hole exactly looking at
where your bra is. I've felt really like conflicted about
wearing something that fits me everywhere else, and so then
your whole wardrobe has to change to these big moo

(51:43):
moo like things because you're trying to be appropriate. And
it's just a little bit like I hate the fact
that this is still something that we have to control
our behavior because of the way that other people respond
to it. That sucks in society, but it is the
reality of how life is, and to me, I kind
of just go.

Speaker 2 (52:01):
If you think it's unprofessional, just wear bra.

Speaker 1 (52:03):
Like everyone with a big busters had to, They've had
to make more sacrifice.

Speaker 3 (52:07):
I agree with you, I totally agree, and I think
that this is I feel very differently about it because
we're talking about it from a work perspective. Yeah, and
for any other place that might be considered like a
professional space.

Speaker 2 (52:18):
If you're questioning it, as Keisha said, just wear a bra.
I'd rather focus my energy on the gender pay gap.
So that's it from us today. Britt will be back
next week.

Speaker 3 (52:28):
So Brute is coming back on the weekend, and then
we're going to be doing like a big deep dive
in all of the ins and out questions of I'm
a celebrity, which I'm still fascinated by how the whole
thing works. I think she's had a bit of R
and R, a bit of time to like recoup and yeah.

Speaker 2 (52:43):
And to eat some normal food.

Speaker 1 (52:45):
If you have got a question, you can either post
it in the Facebook group there is a threat in there.
You can send it to our Instagram page at Life
on Cut.

Speaker 2 (52:51):
Podcast, join us on YouTube. We're having a lot of
fun on there.

Speaker 3 (52:55):
At the moment we don't ever have many subscribers, but
we are doing all the work.

Speaker 2 (52:59):
You can be in OG.

Speaker 1 (53:00):
You can be a cult member from the start of
the YouTube clan. All the links will be in the
show notes, and you know the drill.

Speaker 3 (53:07):
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