October 31, 2025 • 18 mins
Bonnie and Thomas Liotta challenge every popular parenting method and reveal the hidden control mechanisms behind gentle, conscious, and attachment parenting approaches. Discover why even the kindest parenting techniques are creating the aggressive behavior you're trying to prevent. Click Here for more.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Name any popular parenting book anyone,
I'll tell you why.
It's based on control,
even if it sounds loving,
gentle,
conscious,
peaceful.
Attachment parenting all based on control.
You're in charge,
and the child must comply.
This week we are talking about how us big kid trusted advisors— the parents,
(00:20):
the teachers,
the coaches— are creating aggressive child behavior.
Get over here because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
(00:42):
You're listening to Learn to Speak It podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta,
positively transforming families one out of control.
child at a time.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Liotta.
Yes,
and we help parents,
(01:03):
teachers,
educators,
whoever's in charge of children learn how to guide their behavior
and transform defiance into cooperation without meds,
therapy,
or any type of harsh punishment.
Today,
we're going to be talking about the evolution of control.
We're going to deconstruct gentle parenting so you can know and be
(01:23):
aware of what you're really doing as a gentle parent and how
authoritative control creates aggression.
All right,
so let's talk about the evolution of control.
If we go back just a hundred years ago,
there was something called authoritarian.
parenting This is where if the child looked at you the wrong way,
well,
you'd just take him out back behind the house.
You'd send them to go get a switch from the forest,
(01:44):
and you'd beat them with it.
Teachers were allowed to put dunce caps on the kids.
They also put,
like,
a log on the back of their shoulders,
and the kid would have to sit there for hours while we physically
tortured them in order to beat the defiance out of them.
But then society said,
this is wrong.
There must be a better way.
Do you remember Tom being in school when we were in school?
(02:05):
Because when the kids didn't behave,
we experienced this authoritarian stuff.
They'd get sent to the office and get whacked on their hand with a ruler or something.
What was your experience in mine?
Was the paddle.
I kid you not.
They had two paddles in the school I went to (02:20):
one for everybody else
and one with my name on it.
You see,
in Des Moines Elementary,
this is in the 70s,
our principal,
I kid you not,
his name was Charlie Brown.
Really!
He even had the little desk that looked like Charlie Brown's head and everything,
with the three hairs sticking up on the forehead.
(02:42):
That's right!
Now,
what I want to share here is that when you have a little genius offspring,
that's the spirit that cannot be controlled.
We talked about it last episode.
But when we force it,
or we want to,
what you're doing is you're actually creating or prolonging the inevitable.
Because when they would send me to the principal's office for anything,
(03:03):
and it was literally,
if not once a week,
it was every other day.
Well,
see,
in the 70s,
when my mom put me in soccer,
they used to have these big,
giant square knee pads.
I just put two and two together.
I'd take those pads in my desk,
and when I knew I was going,
I'd shove them down the back of my I'd go in there and be like,
I'm going to give you the best fake cry,
(03:25):
and I'll see you tomorrow.
Wow,
walk away there,
buddy,
because I'm still not understanding why I'm here.
So this forced control that they think is supposed to work well.
What do they do with the ones that won't comply?
And see,
that's the game that we're missing.
Yeah,
I guess in today's world we send our kids to a therapeutic school.
(03:49):
They're picked up in their bed in the middle of the night,
literally kidnapped,
thrown into a van,
taken to a school,
which this 14-year-old girl who ended up kicking Amy Moreau in the
chest and actually causing death.
Can you imagine somebody just restraining you and holding you down or beating you?
Like,
what would be going on inside of your mind?
(04:09):
So then society says,
oh this is wrong.
There must be a better way.
And out came baby and child care in 1946,
which was the introduction of what we know today as authoritative
parenting or what we call gentle parenting.
Okay,
baby and child care 100% based on theory.
(04:30):
Well,
you know the child does something you don't like,
so then we've got to do something they don't like,
but we don't want to physically hurt them.
But let's mess with their Let's teach them what 'no' means.
Let's start to redirect instead of teaching them about the lamp or
the candle or anything that they might be interested in.
(04:50):
Let's control them through some sort of negative punishment that's
anything but physical.
So what happened is we went from hurting their bodies to hurting their minds.
Now,
what's the problem,
Tom?
You've worked with thousands of kids in your after-school program,
140,
000 calls at Nintendo,
(05:11):
where you learned to guide the most,
I would say,
frustrated teenagers in the world when they're learning to play
video games and they just can't make it to the next level.
They would call you.
Like,
how lucky were we that you actually were alive in the Nintendo days?
Okay.
But you tell a in Chapter 2 of Learn to Speak Kid about the baseball.
(05:31):
Can you?
Because kids cannot think abstract,
so we put them in a timeout,
thinking they're learning their lesson.
What's really Happening.
Well,
when we think about abstract,
and that's just like take any kid that's five,
can they see what it's like to buy a house,
rent a car,
or get on an airplane?
And the answer is no.
But for some reason,
we believe that if we can lecture or do something that we say we don't like,
(05:55):
and do something that they don't like,
somehow they're going to figure it out.
So what does it mean?
You've got a dad who's doing great.
You give him the little wiffle ball,
you give him his little Fred Flintstone red bat,
and he's swinging away.
And a dad,
(06:24):
you see,
if you could just flip the switch,
and it's about showing them what to do versus telling them this.
Right here is something that everybody can do because this game has
been around since the beginning of time.
It's called Monkey See,
Monkey Do,
(06:44):
and this right here is what makes the door to the positive side of the whole world.
I'm not saying parenting is missing; all the programs that are out
there right now are missing this.
But when I introduce it,
why is it every disorder gets dissed and falls away where they're
still just going on and on and on?
(07:07):
Yes,
like how many parents are wanting to send their kids to military school today?
How many parents are getting calls from the school because they just
can't control the child?
See the problem is we went from do it because I said so or you'll get a beating to do it.
And here's why you can't have what's important to you,
little Timmy.
You can't,
don't,
(07:27):
won't do this.
So you can't go to your friends because you didn't do your homework.
So what you're saying is they can't see from that what they need to
do to actually be able to go to their friends.
They just see the parent as their enemy,
as somebody trying to control them.
So we changed the method of control but not the paradigm.
We're still trying,
(07:49):
keyword not doing,
to make children comply with what we want.
And when your child isn't the person you think they should be,
well then the child's getting punished.
And how are they supposed to feel about themselves?
So I wanted to construct gentle parenting.
Like,
I don't mean to pick on gentle parenting,
but we can wrap it up in a pretty little package and a gold bow and
(08:13):
call it gentle parenting.
But what's happening,
and I just can't,
I'm sorry to bring this up again,
but like Good Inside with Dr.
Becky on stage on podcasts teaching millions of it's okay to have feelings,
little Timmy,
but I won't let you hit.
(08:33):
Let's just take a break and come sit down over here.
Like,
it sounds nice and it sounds beautiful.
Like,
okay,
I won't let you hit.
Okay,
we don't want the kids to hit.
So let's say that we all agree with that.
But what's really the underlying message?
The underlying message,
even though we're saying it's okay to have feelings,
is that I won't let you do what you're is really just saying
underneath their breath (08:56):
your feelings are wrong.
Remember when you said,
like,
sometimes women will go,
oh,
I love your hair,
are they extensions?
Like a backhanded compliment.
Like when my mom said,
if you just got a job at a corporation,
I think you would have done really well.
I'm like,
mom,
I work with families all over the world.
I'm the author of two books.
You have no idea who I even am.
(09:18):
Even at the age of 52 our Parents are still doing this to us.
Your feelings are Your reaction is wrong.
You need to change to make me comfortable.
That's what's really going on with gentle parenting.
Do you have any real simple?
If we knew creating champions for life,
(09:38):
principle number one,
which is know your role as a The prime directive is to prepare them
what we call is launch out of the nest.
And when you put that as the cornerstone,
you would never waste any time controlling them.
You would be preparing them.
And this is what all of the parenting we are leading the way showing
(10:02):
them that there's another game.
There's a new sheriff in Because the common side.
effects are always healing with all this stuff that's going backwards.
The next common side effect is uniting where the two walk together.
Like all of the animals in the animal kingdom,
bear offspring.
And the third common side effect is empowerment,
(10:23):
which means I'm here to prepare you to launch,
and we'll have a bond that's so strong for life.
Tom,
I know you cannot help yourself,
but our next episode is—we go deeper there.
The next episode is what to do instead of all of this authoritative control.
So you got a little preview of our next episode,
(10:44):
but I want to talk about this whole conscious parenting thing.
Like Dr.
Shefali even did.
an episode with her daughter where she was like,
I didn't really practice what I'm teaching because how could you?
Because it's an idea that sounds good.
I see you have feelings; I'm going to heal my inner child.
I am going to be conscious of how I respond or react.
(11:07):
Let's breathe together.
Let's do this or that.
Again,
like this sounds beautiful.
But who decided it's time to?
Who decided the child's response is the problem?
And there's the underlying wolf in sheep's clothing right there:
attachment parenting.
And these are all just so similar,
but this is where you get a little bit of contradicting advice from
(11:30):
one parenting style to.
the next parenting style Attachment parenting is like close physical connection.
Like I need to be your emotional regulator,
little Timmy,
because you don't have what it takes to master your emotions.
Like that's such a huge lie.
And because I have seen,
witnessed with my own eyes,
(11:53):
our two-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter acts like a six-year-old.
She falls down,
she gets up,
she wipes her knees off,
and she's moving on.
She knows what she wants.
She knows how to ask,
Can you help me please?
And my favorite is,
Thank you,
Grandpa Tom.
Thank you,
Grandpa Tom.
I am telling you,
what if you've been told your child isn't capable?
(12:14):
Oh,
oh,
oh,
I can hear I can.
hear the comments right now.
Yeah,
but my child has autism.
Yeah,
but my child has ADHD.
Yeah,
but my child has ODD.
I'm going to tell you,
a human being is born absolutely perfect.
You were born perfect.
Your child was born perfect.
None of us were born with any idea of how the world works.
(12:35):
When a baby is born,
they don't even know how to It's not like we're spiders born with
spider web 101 making abilities.
The baby doesn't know how to What's worse than this is the mother
doesn't know that the baby doesn't know how to unless somebody takes
the time to show her.
(12:56):
A mother needs to be shown how to teach theyour approach on a conscious level.
(14:02):
All right.
because all these approaches say,
be kind,
be calm,
be understanding,
but the child still must do what you want.
That's still authoritative control.
It's just nice-sounding control.
We're gonna move on,
and we're gonna talk about how authoritative control creates aggression.
When we use subtle control,
(14:23):
even gentle control,
children can feel it.
Yes,
yes.
You don't believe I can do it on my own?
That's the message that they receive.
They won't be able to speak it intellectually.
That's the razor's difference.
But they are speaking it.
There are six-year-olds going, 'Mommy,
I just wish I wasn't even alive.' Mommy,
(14:45):
I wish I was dead.
And I'm gonna share that when my oldest son,
who's now 27,
but when he was six and I was tucking him into bed,
he said,
Mom,
I just wish I was dead.
And I went to the doctor because where else do we go other than to the doctor?
Because we think the pediatrician knows how to raise children.
And the doctor goes,
(15:07):
Oh,
he didn't really mean that.
He probably saw it on TV or something like that.
He's just regurgitating words.
And I'm telling you,
moms,
dads,
they mean it.
And they do articulate it.
But we miss it because we think that they're just kids.
Or we think they're make believe.
I'm telling you,
kids are human beings just like you.
(15:30):
They have thoughts,
wants,
and desires.
just like you.
And when the kids start feeling I'm the problem,
I'm broken.
I need to be fixed.
The result (15:41):
Oppositional Defiant Disorder,
DMDD.
I heard the other day,
UMD.
I'm like,
what's that?
Unidentified Mood Disorder,
Anxiety,
depression— all of these behavior and mood disorders that we're
putting on our children,
and we're giving them medication.
We are causing it.
(16:01):
You see,
Bonnie,
I like the idea when you look at this equation (16:02):
Does results equal
no results plus a good story,
aka labels?
No!
It just puts the kids into a box of,
you're broken,
and I need to fix you,
and there's no way you can ever control yourself.
It's ridiculous.
(16:23):
It violates.
the prime directive which is called to prepare.
You see,
you can either pop a pill or demonstrate the missing life skill,
and that's how simple that game is.
Right?
Yeah.
Why aggressive children aggressive?
They're fighting for autonomy in the only way that they know how.
Do you remember the first time you were on the phone and you kept
(16:44):
wondering why the kids would bug you,
but as soon as you got off the phone,
they left you alone?
Yeah.
And that's how simple it is.
When you can see,
they see the phone as an attack on their life force called attention.
Let's just talk about so why aggressive children are aggressive.
Number one,
they're fighting for autonomy in the only way that they know how.
(17:05):
They're literally reacting to years of being controlled,
even if it is in a gentle and kind way,
which we all know it's not,
because being kind and gentle only lasts so far.
And then,
when the kids don't do what you want to do,
what do we do?
We revert back to old habits.
So,
let's just look in the mirror and admit that.
But the child,
the 14-year-old who kicked Amy Morrell,
(17:27):
she was literally just saying,
and they're all saying,
she's just an example of what's about to happen on a massive scale
if we don't get this.
She's saying,
I exist,
I matter.
Stop making me disappear.
Right?
All right.
And so In our next episode,
we're going to talk about,
so what do we do instead?
It's not about giving up authority; it's about teaching instead of controlling.
(17:51):
The solution isn't another parenting technique; it's a completely new paradigm.
One final thought,
Bonnie (17:58):
what if all this misbehavior was this,
and they're just asking these very simple questions (18:01):
Mom,
Dad,
can I be like you?
Can I do what you do?
Could I one day do what you do all by myself without you?
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers!
Bye for now.
Hey Mom,
(18:21):
are you seeking help with your child's challenging behavior?
Are you ready for cooperation and fun?
Millions.
Of families are living in chaos and overwhelm,
and I promise there is a better way.
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we help families transform defiant behavior into healthy,
(18:41):
happy,
cooperative kids.
Let us help you begin a new,
empowering,
and joyful parenting journey at learn2speakkid.
com,
so you can enjoy your children and have more fun as a.
Name any popular parenting book anyone,
I'll tell you why.
It's based on control,
even if it sounds loving,
gentle,
conscious,
peaceful.
Attachment parenting all based on control.
You're in charge,
and the child must comply.
This week we are talking about how us big kid trusted advisors— the parents,
(00:20):
the teachers,
the coaches— are creating aggressive child behavior.
Get over here because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
(00:42):
You're listening to Learn to Speak It podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta,
positively transforming families one out of control.
child at a time.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Liotta.
Yes,
and we help parents,
(01:03):
teachers,
educators,
whoever's in charge of children learn how to guide their behavior
and transform defiance into cooperation without meds,
therapy,
or any type of harsh punishment.
Today,
we're going to be talking about the evolution of control.
We're going to deconstruct gentle parenting so you can know and be
(01:23):
aware of what you're really doing as a gentle parent and how
authoritative control creates aggression.
All right,
so let's talk about the evolution of control.
If we go back just a hundred years ago,
there was something called authoritarian.
parenting This is where if the child looked at you the wrong way,
well,
you'd just take him out back behind the house.
You'd send them to go get a switch from the forest,
(01:44):
and you'd beat them with it.
Teachers were allowed to put dunce caps on the kids.
They also put,
like,
a log on the back of their shoulders,
and the kid would have to sit there for hours while we physically
tortured them in order to beat the defiance out of them.
But then society said,
this is wrong.
There must be a better way.
Do you remember Tom being in school when we were in school?
(02:05):
Because when the kids didn't behave,
we experienced this authoritarian stuff.
They'd get sent to the office and get whacked on their hand with a ruler or something.
What was your experience in mine?
Was the paddle.
I kid you not.
They had two paddles in the school I went to (02:20):
one for everybody else
and one with my name on it.
You see,
in Des Moines Elementary,
this is in the 70s,
our principal,
I kid you not,
his name was Charlie Brown.
Really!
He even had the little desk that looked like Charlie Brown's head and everything,
with the three hairs sticking up on the forehead.
(02:42):
That's right!
Now,
what I want to share here is that when you have a little genius offspring,
that's the spirit that cannot be controlled.
We talked about it last episode.
But when we force it,
or we want to,
what you're doing is you're actually creating or prolonging the inevitable.
Because when they would send me to the principal's office for anything,
(03:03):
and it was literally,
if not once a week,
it was every other day.
Well,
see,
in the 70s,
when my mom put me in soccer,
they used to have these big,
giant square knee pads.
I just put two and two together.
I'd take those pads in my desk,
and when I knew I was going,
I'd shove them down the back of my I'd go in there and be like,
I'm going to give you the best fake cry,
(03:25):
and I'll see you tomorrow.
Wow,
walk away there,
buddy,
because I'm still not understanding why I'm here.
So this forced control that they think is supposed to work well.
What do they do with the ones that won't comply?
And see,
that's the game that we're missing.
Yeah,
I guess in today's world we send our kids to a therapeutic school.
(03:49):
They're picked up in their bed in the middle of the night,
literally kidnapped,
thrown into a van,
taken to a school,
which this 14-year-old girl who ended up kicking Amy Moreau in the
chest and actually causing death.
Can you imagine somebody just restraining you and holding you down or beating you?
Like,
what would be going on inside of your mind?
(04:09):
So then society says,
oh this is wrong.
There must be a better way.
And out came baby and child care in 1946,
which was the introduction of what we know today as authoritative
parenting or what we call gentle parenting.
Okay,
baby and child care 100% based on theory.
(04:30):
Well,
you know the child does something you don't like,
so then we've got to do something they don't like,
but we don't want to physically hurt them.
But let's mess with their Let's teach them what 'no' means.
Let's start to redirect instead of teaching them about the lamp or
the candle or anything that they might be interested in.
(04:50):
Let's control them through some sort of negative punishment that's
anything but physical.
So what happened is we went from hurting their bodies to hurting their minds.
Now,
what's the problem,
Tom?
You've worked with thousands of kids in your after-school program,
140,
000 calls at Nintendo,
(05:11):
where you learned to guide the most,
I would say,
frustrated teenagers in the world when they're learning to play
video games and they just can't make it to the next level.
They would call you.
Like,
how lucky were we that you actually were alive in the Nintendo days?
Okay.
But you tell a in Chapter 2 of Learn to Speak Kid about the baseball.
(05:31):
Can you?
Because kids cannot think abstract,
so we put them in a timeout,
thinking they're learning their lesson.
What's really Happening.
Well,
when we think about abstract,
and that's just like take any kid that's five,
can they see what it's like to buy a house,
rent a car,
or get on an airplane?
And the answer is no.
But for some reason,
we believe that if we can lecture or do something that we say we don't like,
(05:55):
and do something that they don't like,
somehow they're going to figure it out.
So what does it mean?
You've got a dad who's doing great.
You give him the little wiffle ball,
you give him his little Fred Flintstone red bat,
and he's swinging away.
And a dad,
(06:24):
you see,
if you could just flip the switch,
and it's about showing them what to do versus telling them this.
Right here is something that everybody can do because this game has
been around since the beginning of time.
It's called Monkey See,
Monkey Do,
(06:44):
and this right here is what makes the door to the positive side of the whole world.
I'm not saying parenting is missing; all the programs that are out
there right now are missing this.
But when I introduce it,
why is it every disorder gets dissed and falls away where they're
still just going on and on and on?
(07:07):
Yes,
like how many parents are wanting to send their kids to military school today?
How many parents are getting calls from the school because they just
can't control the child?
See the problem is we went from do it because I said so or you'll get a beating to do it.
And here's why you can't have what's important to you,
little Timmy.
You can't,
don't,
(07:27):
won't do this.
So you can't go to your friends because you didn't do your homework.
So what you're saying is they can't see from that what they need to
do to actually be able to go to their friends.
They just see the parent as their enemy,
as somebody trying to control them.
So we changed the method of control but not the paradigm.
We're still trying,
(07:49):
keyword not doing,
to make children comply with what we want.
And when your child isn't the person you think they should be,
well then the child's getting punished.
And how are they supposed to feel about themselves?
So I wanted to construct gentle parenting.
Like,
I don't mean to pick on gentle parenting,
but we can wrap it up in a pretty little package and a gold bow and
(08:13):
call it gentle parenting.
But what's happening,
and I just can't,
I'm sorry to bring this up again,
but like Good Inside with Dr.
Becky on stage on podcasts teaching millions of it's okay to have feelings,
little Timmy,
but I won't let you hit.
(08:33):
Let's just take a break and come sit down over here.
Like,
it sounds nice and it sounds beautiful.
Like,
okay,
I won't let you hit.
Okay,
we don't want the kids to hit.
So let's say that we all agree with that.
But what's really the underlying message?
The underlying message,
even though we're saying it's okay to have feelings,
is that I won't let you do what you're is really just saying
underneath their breath (08:56):
your feelings are wrong.
Remember when you said,
like,
sometimes women will go,
oh,
I love your hair,
are they extensions?
Like a backhanded compliment.
Like when my mom said,
if you just got a job at a corporation,
I think you would have done really well.
I'm like,
mom,
I work with families all over the world.
I'm the author of two books.
You have no idea who I even am.
(09:18):
Even at the age of 52 our Parents are still doing this to us.
Your feelings are Your reaction is wrong.
You need to change to make me comfortable.
That's what's really going on with gentle parenting.
Do you have any real simple?
If we knew creating champions for life,
(09:38):
principle number one,
which is know your role as a The prime directive is to prepare them
what we call is launch out of the nest.
And when you put that as the cornerstone,
you would never waste any time controlling them.
You would be preparing them.
And this is what all of the parenting we are leading the way showing
(10:02):
them that there's another game.
There's a new sheriff in Because the common side.
effects are always healing with all this stuff that's going backwards.
The next common side effect is uniting where the two walk together.
Like all of the animals in the animal kingdom,
bear offspring.
And the third common side effect is empowerment,
(10:23):
which means I'm here to prepare you to launch,
and we'll have a bond that's so strong for life.
Tom,
I know you cannot help yourself,
but our next episode is—we go deeper there.
The next episode is what to do instead of all of this authoritative control.
So you got a little preview of our next episode,
(10:44):
but I want to talk about this whole conscious parenting thing.
Like Dr.
Shefali even did.
an episode with her daughter where she was like,
I didn't really practice what I'm teaching because how could you?
Because it's an idea that sounds good.
I see you have feelings; I'm going to heal my inner child.
I am going to be conscious of how I respond or react.
(11:07):
Let's breathe together.
Let's do this or that.
Again,
like this sounds beautiful.
But who decided it's time to?
Who decided the child's response is the problem?
And there's the underlying wolf in sheep's clothing right there:
attachment parenting.
And these are all just so similar,
but this is where you get a little bit of contradicting advice from
(11:30):
one parenting style to.
the next parenting style Attachment parenting is like close physical connection.
Like I need to be your emotional regulator,
little Timmy,
because you don't have what it takes to master your emotions.
Like that's such a huge lie.
And because I have seen,
witnessed with my own eyes,
(11:53):
our two-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter acts like a six-year-old.
She falls down,
she gets up,
she wipes her knees off,
and she's moving on.
She knows what she wants.
She knows how to ask,
Can you help me please?
And my favorite is,
Thank you,
Grandpa Tom.
Thank you,
Grandpa Tom.
I am telling you,
what if you've been told your child isn't capable?
(12:14):
Oh,
oh,
oh,
I can hear I can.
hear the comments right now.
Yeah,
but my child has autism.
Yeah,
but my child has ADHD.
Yeah,
but my child has ODD.
I'm going to tell you,
a human being is born absolutely perfect.
You were born perfect.
Your child was born perfect.
None of us were born with any idea of how the world works.
(12:35):
When a baby is born,
they don't even know how to It's not like we're spiders born with
spider web 101 making abilities.
The baby doesn't know how to What's worse than this is the mother
doesn't know that the baby doesn't know how to unless somebody takes
the time to show her.
(12:56):
A mother needs to be shown how to teach theyour approach on a conscious level.
(14:02):
All right.
because all these approaches say,
be kind,
be calm,
be understanding,
but the child still must do what you want.
That's still authoritative control.
It's just nice-sounding control.
We're gonna move on,
and we're gonna talk about how authoritative control creates aggression.
When we use subtle control,
(14:23):
even gentle control,
children can feel it.
Yes,
yes.
You don't believe I can do it on my own?
That's the message that they receive.
They won't be able to speak it intellectually.
That's the razor's difference.
But they are speaking it.
There are six-year-olds going, 'Mommy,
I just wish I wasn't even alive.' Mommy,
(14:45):
I wish I was dead.
And I'm gonna share that when my oldest son,
who's now 27,
but when he was six and I was tucking him into bed,
he said,
Mom,
I just wish I was dead.
And I went to the doctor because where else do we go other than to the doctor?
Because we think the pediatrician knows how to raise children.
And the doctor goes,
(15:07):
Oh,
he didn't really mean that.
He probably saw it on TV or something like that.
He's just regurgitating words.
And I'm telling you,
moms,
dads,
they mean it.
And they do articulate it.
But we miss it because we think that they're just kids.
Or we think they're make believe.
I'm telling you,
kids are human beings just like you.
(15:30):
They have thoughts,
wants,
and desires.
just like you.
And when the kids start feeling I'm the problem,
I'm broken.
I need to be fixed.
The result (15:41):
Oppositional Defiant Disorder,
DMDD.
I heard the other day,
UMD.
I'm like,
what's that?
Unidentified Mood Disorder,
Anxiety,
depression— all of these behavior and mood disorders that we're
putting on our children,
and we're giving them medication.
We are causing it.
(16:01):
You see,
Bonnie,
I like the idea when you look at this equation (16:02):
Does results equal
no results plus a good story,
aka labels?
No!
It just puts the kids into a box of,
you're broken,
and I need to fix you,
and there's no way you can ever control yourself.
It's ridiculous.
(16:23):
It violates.
the prime directive which is called to prepare.
You see,
you can either pop a pill or demonstrate the missing life skill,
and that's how simple that game is.
Right?
Yeah.
Why aggressive children aggressive?
They're fighting for autonomy in the only way that they know how.
Do you remember the first time you were on the phone and you kept
(16:44):
wondering why the kids would bug you,
but as soon as you got off the phone,
they left you alone?
Yeah.
And that's how simple it is.
When you can see,
they see the phone as an attack on their life force called attention.
Let's just talk about so why aggressive children are aggressive.
Number one,
they're fighting for autonomy in the only way that they know how.
(17:05):
They're literally reacting to years of being controlled,
even if it is in a gentle and kind way,
which we all know it's not,
because being kind and gentle only lasts so far.
And then,
when the kids don't do what you want to do,
what do we do?
We revert back to old habits.
So,
let's just look in the mirror and admit that.
But the child,
the 14-year-old who kicked Amy Morrell,
(17:27):
she was literally just saying,
and they're all saying,
she's just an example of what's about to happen on a massive scale
if we don't get this.
She's saying,
I exist,
I matter.
Stop making me disappear.
Right?
All right.
And so In our next episode,
we're going to talk about,
so what do we do instead?
It's not about giving up authority; it's about teaching instead of controlling.
(17:51):
The solution isn't another parenting technique; it's a completely new paradigm.
One final thought,
Bonnie (17:58):
what if all this misbehavior was this,
and they're just asking these very simple questions (18:01):
Mom,
Dad,
can I be like you?
Can I do what you do?
Could I one day do what you do all by myself without you?
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers!
Bye for now.
Hey Mom,
(18:21):
are you seeking help with your child's challenging behavior?
Are you ready for cooperation and fun?
Millions.
Of families are living in chaos and overwhelm,
and I promise there is a better way.
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we help families transform defiant behavior into healthy,
(18:41):
happy,
cooperative kids.
Let us help you begin a new,
empowering,
and joyful parenting journey at learn2speakkid.
com,
so you can enjoy your children and have more fun as a.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Medal of Honor: Stories of Courage
Rewarded for bravery that goes above and beyond the call of duty, the Medal of Honor is the United States’ top military decoration. The stories we tell are about the heroes who have distinguished themselves by acts of heroism and courage that have saved lives. From Judith Resnik, the second woman in space, to Daniel Daly, one of only 19 people to have received the Medal of Honor twice, these are stories about those who have done the improbable and unexpected, who have sacrificed something in the name of something much bigger than themselves. Every Wednesday on Medal of Honor, uncover what their experiences tell us about the nature of sacrifice, why people put their lives in danger for others, and what happens after you’ve become a hero. Special thanks to series creator Dan McGinn, to the Congressional Medal of Honor Society and Adam Plumpton. Medal of Honor begins on May 28. Subscribe to Pushkin+ to hear ad-free episodes one week early. Find Pushkin+ on the Medal of Honor show page in Apple or at Pushkin.fm. Subscribe on Apple: apple.co/pushkin Subscribe on Pushkin: pushkin.fm/plus
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com