April 23, 2026 • 28 mins
What happens when a boy grows up feeling unseen?
In this episode of the Mothers of Boys Survival Guide Podcast, Suzy Shaw talks with E.A. Johnson—father, motivational speaker, and creator of the VIBE Success System—about how childhood trauma and the pressure to “tough it out” can shape boys into adulthood.
E.A. shares his journey from abuse, bullying, and addiction to rebuilding his life with purpose and offers practical insight into what boys really need to feel supported.
From better questions to stronger connections, this episode gives moms simple, meaningful ways to help their sons feel seen, build resilience, and open up—beyond the usual “I’m fine.”
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If this episode resonated with you, please follow, rate, and share it with another mom who’s in the thick of it.
Be kind to yourself, moms.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I'm Susie Shaw, mom of two now adult boys
and author of the book,
"Mother of Boys Survival Guide."
This podcast shares practical insights,
expert advice, and real conversations
to help moms raise
confident, capable boys.
You can find more episodes and resources
(00:20):
at mothersofboys.life.
Now, let's get into today's conversation.
What happens when a boy grows up feeling
like he doesn't matter?
Not seen, not heard, not safe enough to
(00:41):
say what's really going on?
Because those feelings
don't stay in childhood.
They follow him into adulthood.
In this episode of the "Mother of Boys
Survival Guide" podcast,
I'm joined by E.A. Johnson, a father,
motivational speaker,
and creator of the VIBE Success System,
(01:03):
who shares his journey from a traumatic
childhood and addiction
to rebuilding his life
with purpose and intention.
We'll talk about what
happens when boys feel unseen,
the pressure to tough it out, and how
that silence can
shape the men they become.
And most importantly, what
(01:25):
we, as moms, can do differently.
so our boys have the support
they need to grow and thrive.
Welcome, E.A.
Hey, thank you so much for having me.
So excited to talk with you today.
So, you know, you and I talked previously
getting ready for the podcast,
(01:45):
and I appreciate that you've lived
through a lot of different experiences.
Can you take us back to your childhood
and what shaped you early on?
Yeah, so in my childhood, you know, early
on, I had some traumas that affected me.
I was sexually abused as a child.
I was bullied a lot,
(02:05):
physically abused as a child.
And those things that, you
know, they happened to me.
As a child, you know, you think you don't
realize how they can affect you
as you become an adult and
how you can move forward.
Those things really had, obviously, a
definite impact on me
and how I proceeded forward
and how I entered into adulthood.
(02:26):
And then that manifested itself in a lot
of other ways as I became an adult.
And, you know, the interesting thing to
me is that as a child,
you don't necessarily perceive those
things as threats or, you know, it's just
the way you know it.
And so, you know, that
affects how you go into adulthood.
(02:49):
So when you think about your younger
self, what, you know,
what did you need the most
that you weren't getting and what do you
wish the adults in your life
might have done differently?
Yeah, so that's a great question.
You know, in my younger life, you know,
one of the things, you know,
I was in a family where I had
both parents, but
they worked all the time.
So they were always usually at work.
(03:11):
You know, back in those days, even from a
young age, I came
home by myself, you know,
it was safer times, I guess, to some
degree, but I'd come by
take the bus and get home,
you know, at age seven,
you know, I was by myself.
So I spent a lot, a
lot of time by myself.
And you were living in New
York City, is that right?
Massachusetts, actually.
Massachusetts.
(03:32):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
From me and Massachusetts,
but that's from originally.
So yeah, I would be there.
I'd be home by myself
for a long period of time.
And, you know, a lot of these things that
happened being bullied, you
know, being sexually abused,
you know, a lot of these things that
maybe I wish I was
(03:52):
more protected as a child.
And, you know, I think, and I can't think
for everyone, but for
me, it wasn't that I wasn't
in a loving home or loving environment.
It's people just weren't around, you
know, weren't around.
And then, you know, my dad was was old
school, if you will, that if,
you know, there's any sort of
events that happened or any sort of
(04:12):
traumas or any sort of emotional
distress, if you will,
it was always, you know, tough it out.
No, you're you're a boy.
Tough it out.
Be tough.
You know, he grew up from very rough and
humble beginnings in his environments.
I kind of understand his mindset.
But for me, being a child, you know, I
kind of wish that there had been
different ways, different talk paths,
(04:33):
different things we could,
you know, they would have said
or done to help me or protect me, you
know, as a child growing up.
So if one of your parents got home and,
you know, especially
your mom, since this is a
podcast for moms, what what kind of
question do you wish she
might have asked, you know,
(04:54):
and to get a little bit more out out of
you than the typical "fine,"
which is the answer we get.
Now that I'm older
and you look back on it, you
know, I wish there was more
of how are you feeling, you know, not
just and I was really good at sports.
So that was always a
big driver in my life.
And that was kind of out of the talk was,
you know, basketball
and that sort of stuff.
(05:15):
But it wasn't so much of how are you
feeling, you know, emotionally, how are
you feeling about this
certain situation about what's happened
recently? Those sort of
questions I wish were asked more.
It was always just more of, well, you're
good at sports. And so I
know you're doing fine,
you know, but I wish, you know, and my
(05:37):
mom was more of the one
that would talk a little more.
She a little more in depth than my dad.
My dad was more of the my way, the
highway type of a person.
And but my but my mom would talk a little
bit more, but but but still
it really wasn't the depth.
And again, you know, those kind of tools
that they grew up with, right?
No one was talking about emotions and
(05:58):
things when they when their childhood and
and they both had my mom and they both
had rough the childhoods themselves.
So, you know, as I'm older now, I can
give them little grace. But, you know, I
wish as a young boy,
there had been in my mom had just talked
to me more about how I'm feeling,
how I'm processing what has happened
(06:18):
today. And, you know, just
just in my, you know, emotional
state, I think that would have been
better for me to help to process through
kind of what I was feeling.
And and what age did you go through, you
know, the majority of or
your bigger traumas was,
you know, bullying and the sexual abuse.
(06:39):
Yeah, I mean, the
sexual abuse I was I was
like six, I believe I was really young.
The bullying really went along, man, from
probably eight, seven to, you know,
through high school, and
then actually came back again in
college and cause they called it hazing,
you know, but but those
those trauma, those triggers that
(07:01):
were there for me, you know, were tough.
And kind of going back
to your beginning topic,
you say, you know, how these things
affect you as you become older. So,
because all these traumas
that I had as a child, as you said
earlier, I felt like I didn't matter.
That was the biggest
thing. I felt like I didn't matter. No
one cared about me. And because I felt
(07:24):
like I didn't matter
as a child, when I became an adult, I
acted like I didn't matter.
So when I became an adult,
then I became addicted to pain pills, I
was had severe anxiety, and
that turned into insomnia,
which I couldn't sleep. And as I couldn't
sleep, not really knowing
the root cause of why I wasn't
sleeping, but trying to deal with this
(07:46):
insomnia, I then started with alcohol,
and then that didn't
work. Then I went into pain pills, and
you start taking more and
more pain pills and everything I
could get my hands on, again, because I
felt like I didn't matter.
And then, you know, kind of that
changing point for me, you know, this is
always into my early 20s,
(08:07):
is one day I said, you know
what, I'm just going to write down
everything that I'm taking right now. And
I just sat there and
wrote it all down. And the next day,
while I was so sober, I read
this list, and I'm reading it,
and it's OxyContin and Vicodin and
Percocet and half a bottle of wine, more
of Vicodin and Percocet,
half a bottle of Nyquil, and I'm reading
(08:28):
this list. And I was not suicidal. I
wasn't trying to kill
myself. But as I read the list, I said,
man, if my mom read this
list, if someone I cared about
read this list, they would think I was
trying to kill myself. And it
was really in that moment that
mentally I said, okay, things have to
change. We can't continue
down this path, because this path
(08:49):
will lead to something very bad. You
know, and it was in that moment that I
said, I have to change
that was kind of the beginning of me
really getting into personal development
and reading books and
podcasts and wasn't podcast way back
then, like YouTube and
whatever else I could get,
but I was becoming a sponge before that I
(09:09):
hadn't really read anything, you know.
So as I read it- How old were you?
So this part was in, I was like 25 or so,
when I was in the height
of this, at the height of my
addiction. And like I said, that's when I
really started getting into
personal development to say,
man, I need to change what's even out
(09:29):
there. How do I do that? And
it was as I was going through
this personal development, I started
realizing that, you know,
human beings, we all vibrate at
different frequencies. And I started
realizing that when you
have feelings of love and joy,
you vibrate at a higher vibration. And
when you have feelings of
self-doubt and failure and fear,
(09:52):
you operate at a low vibration. So I
started realizing that
successful people vibrate at a
higher vibration. So I started seeing
that, man, success is a vibe.
And people said like coffee is
a vibe, now yoga is a vibe, and
everything's a vibe. But I said success
is a vibe. But for me,
vibe was an acronym for vision,
(10:13):
intention, belief, and
execution. And I started realizing,
if you can have all four of those, then
you can have a lifetime of
success. And it was really that
VIBE system that helped get me out of
that dark place and take me from, you
know, at that point,
too, not only was I, I think at the pain
pills, I was making minimum wage, my
(10:35):
lights got turned off
for non-payment, my cable was turned off
for non-payment, phone was
like, so I was in a truly
dark, dark place, literally and
figuratively. So that was
the beginning of my journey,
going from that place to then becoming,
you know, award-winning
pharmaceutical sales rep,
becoming a motivational speaker, becoming
father, husband, you know,
(10:57):
that was kind of the impetus
from getting from there to where I am now.
So as I listened
to your story, you know,
I call that age, the "remarkable transformation"
that young adult age, you
So you're in this period of your
twenties, you know, where the
remarkable transformation is
occurring, you're learning hard life
(11:19):
lessons of, you know, work is
not as much fun as I thought
it was going to be. Independence is not
as fun as I thought it would be. My
heart's getting broken
by X, Y and Z person. So, you know, tell me
about that, that transition
period and how long it took.
The first thing that has to change is your
mindset. It has to be first.
(11:41):
And honestly, I think your mindset that
can change in an
instant. Something can happen,
trauma can happen. Someone can tell you
something. You can be in an
event and you can shift your
mind and you go and you can see things
differently. So that's the
first thing that can happen.
But then now it's okay, here come the
hard part because your mind
has now changed. You become
(12:01):
open. You see more. But now how do you
start doing the things or getting to
where you want to do?
Right? Because then you actually start
the process and then you run into
roadblocks and you run the
setbacks and then you're like, well,
maybe I wanted to change,
maybe I can't change, or maybe
this change isn't for me. So, you know,
for me, you say, how long did it take
(12:22):
them out? I would say
it's almost still ongoing. Right? As far
as that change. I would say
that maybe that acute phase,
I mean, two to three years of just
constantly because in those
times, like you said, your
mind has now shifted, but your
environment is usually still the same.
Right? Now your environment
(12:42):
can be physical from where you live. Your
environment can be the
people that you're around.
You're right. So if you're still around
those people with these
limiting beliefs or these
mindsets that are incongruent with where
you're trying to go, right?
That can be very difficult,
especially at a young age when, you know,
(13:02):
relationships and
community is so important.
And what are your friends think of you?
My friend's not going to like
me and that sort of stuff. So
it takes a couple of years of you
changing and changing and
understanding who you are,
you know, because one of the things that
I, that I say to people
too, is that, you know,
your willpower will always succumb to who
(13:24):
you believe you are. So
you could be all getting
motivated. Okay. I'm ready to change,
ready to change. If we do great things,
take over the world.
Right. But if you don't start believing
that stuff, right. And you
don't think that'll actually
happen, as soon as that person tells you,
you can't and you won't
because of X, Y, and Z,
you're going to start falling back. So
(13:45):
you have to start
building up that willpower,
building up your confidence. So other
questions people says,
well, how do you build up that
confidence? How does that happen? And I
heard a great quote from Ed Mylett,
actually. And he said
that, "Confidence comes from keeping the
promises you make to
yourself." So when I was in that dark
(14:05):
place, I was just trying to, let's just
do one more thing. Do say
something and then do it.
Right. When I was addicted to the pain
pills, I was like, let's see
if we can just not take one
from another 30 minutes. Let's just try
that. You know, and then
we get to 30 minutes. Oh,
I did it. Right. So you start building
some of those
confidence, small wins, micro wins,
(14:27):
those micro wins start building up that
builds your confidence to who you are.
Now you're someone that achieves things.
You're not someone that
fails and can't and those
would be now you're a person that
achieves and does what
they say they're going to do.
And when you start stacking those small
wins, then you start to
change who you are. And that
(14:48):
takes a while, right? Like that's not
going to happen. Like,
that's going to take some time,
some years to stack these wins. But
eventually when you start
stacking wins, you start
becoming more confident. Now you start
changing the person that you
are. People start seeing you
show up differently. So now your energy
is different. So
you're attracting different
energy and that's how it can start to
(15:09):
build itself. So you've
So you've mentioned the VIBE that you've
created something called the VIBE system.
Can you walk us
through what that means and how
parents could use it with their boys?
So success is a vibe. It's a system
that I teach. And again, it stands for
vision, intention, belief,
and execution. So you can
apply it to any area of life. So when you
(15:29):
have boys and especially
boys that are in difficult
situations and they don't want to talk,
they're, they're isolating.
You know, for me, I put the
V first because I always believe in order
to get out of anything or to get
somewhere to achieve
some sort of goal, there has to be a
vision of where you want to
go. You know, if you get in your
car and you put in the GPS, you have to
(15:50):
have a destination or it
has to be a vision of what it
is you want. When I was in that place, I
had no vision. Like I
was just like, whatever,
you would have everyone told me to do. So
how, how been your, your
son or these boys say, Hey,
what do we want to do? Where do we want
to go? And that could be
anything, right? It doesn't
matter what that is. But a lot of times
boys, we, we're just, you know, we're
(16:11):
team players. You got
to do what the coach says, you got to do
what the parents, we just
kind of follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow. But what is it we're
trying to do? What is it we
want? So with boys, we're,
we know, boys are more of, of, of a team,
of a coach, of a system,
of a process. And how do we
get there? So get a vision, get that
vision of where they want to
go. Once you get the vision,
what it is that they want to do, what
(16:33):
they want to accomplish, then you can
reverse engineer to get
the intentions, which are the action
steps. All right. Now you're
building the steps. How do you
get there? What's the next thing? If it's
sports, you know, practice
and what the next thing to do
to get better? If it's, you know, in
school, what sort of classes do you need
to take and what grades
need to get, whatever that is, what are
(16:53):
your intentions? And you
start working on those.
So once you have the intentions, again,
it starts taking away all that
idle time, that anxiety time,
all these weird thoughts creeped in. No,
no, no, we're going to
do and work the process.
And then when having the belief, beliefs
can be difficult at first,
you know, but as if it's a
(17:16):
parent, if it's moms of boys, moms, you
can instill the belief, right? You
believe in your son. You
let them know, I believe in you. You
believe in you, but I
believe in you. You know, sometimes
we have to believe what other people
think of us until our belief
kicks in, right? So when you
(17:36):
start, so as a mom, you start telling
your child, you can, you can, I believe
in you, I believe you.
So then that builds up their belief. And
the last part is that execution.
Execution is always the
hardest part. That's actually the doing
part. You know, I use the analogy, you
know, if you want to
lose weight, lose 30 pounds, you know,
you can envision yourself,
you know, on the beach in the
(17:57):
bikini, you can get the trainer, you
know, but then you get on the
treadmill, you start running
and now, you know, your lungs hurt and
your legs hurt, right? Then
you don't want to execute it.
So the execution is always the hardest.
And again, for boys, a lot of us boys,
we're kind of all over
the place. And I was selling you that
ADHD, he's like a squirrel. He can't
focus on anything, but
you have to execute, you know, helping
(18:19):
them execute in the game
with moms. One of the things
I wish someone had helped my mother had
helped me execute more as a
child. Again, I was fortunate.
I had basketball as a refuge. I was
always executing at that.
So people saw that I was
executing at something, not knowing all
the other stuff was so way
off in my brain. But again,
(18:41):
just helping your son execute, okay, this
is what we said we're going
to do. I'm going to help you
start to execute these things so that you
can then understand that
you're capable of executing on your own.
Right. And I do believe that
positive thinking from the mom
to his son is so, so critical.
(19:02):
And to some degree, I, you know, as a, as
just a human, I think of
it as the leap of faith in
yourself. And it takes, it takes a long
time to have enough confidence in
yourself to take that
leap of faith. Right. And that's what
(19:24):
your VIBE system is really talking about.
So you have a son, what
are you doing differently?
Yeah. So one of the big differences
between me and my son, my son's 10,
is just, I mean, I talked to him about
everything. I talked to him about
everything. I don't want
him to have, I don't want to think about
what is this or what is
that? I mean, we just talk about,
(19:45):
you know, what do you have questions
about? And even if he
doesn't have questions about,
because as you know, now social media and
YouTube, they see all the
stuff. It's all there for them,
you know, so, but I don't want him to
have a question about
what is this or how is that?
So we've talked about, you know, drugs,
sex, whatever it is, so
that he's aware, you know,
(20:05):
the pros and cons and how it works. And
then, you know, I didn't hear
anything. I had no talks about
nothing, you know, it was all figured all
out, you know, right. And I
want him to be crystal clear
so that he doesn't have a lot of the
times we get in trouble because
curiosity, right? I wonder what
that's about. And I wonder what that's
about. I wonder if these
drugs are about, you know,
just wonder, you know, but if someone can
(20:26):
say, hey, this is what they
do, this is what they don't
do, this is what you shouldn't do, what
you shouldn't do, and this
is how they can affect you,
we can have those conversations. So, and
me as a one, I'm super
over communicate with my son.
I'm very, very affectionate with my son
hugs, kisses, you know, I
didn't get that stuff, you know,
back, that wasn't a thing for me either.
(20:48):
Really, both my parents,
we just really weren't that
affectionate, honestly, when I was a kid.
Well, and I don't think it was as
as, you know, encouraged for males, it
was more like, you know, tap
on the back, good job. Yeah,
yeah. It's all was high five, you know,
so it was no, it was no
affection. Really, in my,
for me growing up, you know, there was,
(21:09):
there was affirmation of,
hey, good job, but there wasn't
affection. And I think that's a remiss
up. So I try to give affirmation and
affection to my son. So
then knowing that he's loved, you know,
is a big difference.
I want my son to, he knows, heck,
there's anything wrong, you come to me,
we talk about it, like I
(21:29):
said, so that's the big difference
that I do with my son.
So for listeners,
we've recorded several
podcasts that, that are really
fabulous on communication recommendations
for kids of all different
ages. So I, I suggest you
look through the, the, the Mothers of Boys
podcast list for that. But
if a mom is listening now
(21:51):
and thinking, I want to get this right,
what are a few simple things
she can do today to make her
son feel more seen and supported...
Yeah, I mean, I think to make
your feelings, you know, one's
going to sound simple, but
hugs and kisses, right? They
go a long way, you know, and I think for
whatever reason, kind of was
(22:12):
it earlier, I think for boys,
you think, Oh, they don't want them. They
might say mom get away or
whatever else, but they still
want it. You know, so those hugs and
kisses are very important
affirmation, you know, when they
do something right, you know, great job.
And it doesn't, the thing
is, I think what a mom can do
is it doesn't have to be the big stuff,
right? It doesn't have to
be, I don't know, you won the
(22:33):
championship or you got a hundred percent
on the test, right? That
that's great. But the, but the
small stuff, you know, you finished all
your work, you know, you,
you, you, you, you, you, you, you
passed this test. You took out the trash.
Like I asked you to do, you
cleaned up your, your shorts
off the floor, you know, it's the little
things that, that we need
(22:54):
the affirmation from and the
love for. And we do the small stuff, then
we'll do the big stuff, but
waiting for the big stuff,
the big stuff might not come, you know,
and in the big stuff, you
know, depending what you deem
as big versus I deem as big to be totally
different things, you know,
and that's what's different,
you know, since for my son, he struggles
(23:15):
in school with math sometimes. So he
might not be getting a
hundred, you know, if I wait for that,
you know what I mean? But,
but hey, if he can get an 80,
you know, or 78, you know, something like
that when he was
struggling, see, we celebrate all
those things. So I think celebrate
everything positive that
your son does, you know, what we
say, what rewards gets replicated, right?
(23:37):
So just make sure you're
there, make sure he knows that he
can tell you anything, you know, that's
what happens if we're
always berating and why could
you do this and you're dumb and you
can't, right? You know, I think words
matter, you know, so
making sure those positive, I know we,
you know, I, my son will still get be
raised and goes wrongs,
(23:57):
my saying it's always positive all the
time. But if it's going to
be, you know, something that he
did, he needs to be reprimanded for, and
it also needs to be the love on the
positive side. So it
can't just be one sided. So making sure
we're doing, make sure you're present,
give hugs and kisses,
making sure we celebrate all the good
stuff. You know, I think
(24:19):
those are some things that we can
start with to getting a better
relationship, which will then open the
communication. So something
bad does happen, help trust and have
confidence to tell you about it.
Right. Love, love that.
So EA, we also ask all of our
guests to, at the end of
each podcast, to share sort of a
(24:39):
guiding motto or a saying, you know, what
would, what would you
suggest for a mom who's sort of
struggling in those moments to protect
her son to say to herself?
I have a lot of quotes I love, but
one that I think is that
apropos here is if you change the
(25:01):
way you look at things, the things that
you look at will change. And
what that means is as I'm a
parent to it, so I'm in the middle, I'm
10, 10 years old, so I'm in
the middle of it right now
with you guys. And sometimes we get so
focused on, oh my goodness, how could
they not do that? And
they didn't do what I said. And I've told
them six times, they still
didn't do it. And we're so
(25:21):
frustrated and we're so upset. And we're
just like, you got to figure this out,
you know, but sometimes
if we can stop, you know, and start
changing the way we look at things
instead of looking at all
the negative things that we're so mad
about that they do and start looking at
what are the positive
things this child does great. He has
unique gifts and talents that are amazing
(25:43):
that he's able to do.
Something's much, much better than I can
do it as an adult. He can do it much
better right now. And
when we start looking at those things,
start celebrating those
great things that they do,
and then finding ways to accentuate those
things, right? Instead
of always being upset
because not doing the stuff we want them
to do, I think is one thing
(26:04):
that we can really look at to
really help to change our perspective on
our child. Because we're all focused, we want
to be the best, we do.
But sometimes we're so hard and so tough
and so driving of what they don't do
that we don't celebrate what they do do.
And I think maybe
backing off a little bit of the
criticism when they do something wrong
(26:27):
and being supportive is
really important to that balance.
Right, 100%. I mean, if they left their
socks on the floor, is
the world going to end?
It's frustrating, but it's not going to
end, right? Okay, pick
the socks up and let's keep
moving forward. Right. But yeah, you're
100%. Keeping that
perspective, big picture perspective
(26:51):
as to what's most important for the child
and for our relationship.
You know, parenting, it's the project
that takes, I don't know, 30 years to
figure out if you did
it right. So it's got a long runway. For
sure, for sure. So you are
a motivational speaker and
(27:13):
very inspirational. Where can our
listeners go to learn more
about you and what you do?
Yeah, so go to my website. My
website is www.eajonsonspeaks.com.
I go to my Instagram page, which is just
@eajonsonspeaks. And
(27:33):
if you want to email me,
it's just info@eajonsonspeaks.com.
And I will be including
all of that information
in the show notes for this podcast on our
webpage, which is at mothersofboys.life.
And thank you so much for joining us and
(27:53):
sharing your energy and
recommendations and your success.
We appreciate it. No, thank you so much
for having me. It is a phenomenal time
here. And I recommend
people to pick up your book, The Mother's
Visit Boys. It's a great
book. So thank you so much
for having me. I really appreciate it.
Thank you, EA. Thank
(28:15):
please follow and share the Mothers of
Boys Survival Guide podcast on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn. Sharing
helps other moms discover
the show. Be kind to yourself,
moms.
I'm Susie Shaw, mom of two now adult boys
and author of the book,
"Mother of Boys Survival Guide."
This podcast shares practical insights,
expert advice, and real conversations
to help moms raise
confident, capable boys.
You can find more episodes and resources
(00:20):
at mothersofboys.life.
Now, let's get into today's conversation.
What happens when a boy grows up feeling
like he doesn't matter?
Not seen, not heard, not safe enough to
(00:41):
say what's really going on?
Because those feelings
don't stay in childhood.
They follow him into adulthood.
In this episode of the "Mother of Boys
Survival Guide" podcast,
I'm joined by E.A. Johnson, a father,
motivational speaker,
and creator of the VIBE Success System,
(01:03):
who shares his journey from a traumatic
childhood and addiction
to rebuilding his life
with purpose and intention.
We'll talk about what
happens when boys feel unseen,
the pressure to tough it out, and how
that silence can
shape the men they become.
And most importantly, what
(01:25):
we, as moms, can do differently.
so our boys have the support
they need to grow and thrive.
Welcome, E.A.
Hey, thank you so much for having me.
So excited to talk with you today.
So, you know, you and I talked previously
getting ready for the podcast,
(01:45):
and I appreciate that you've lived
through a lot of different experiences.
Can you take us back to your childhood
and what shaped you early on?
Yeah, so in my childhood, you know, early
on, I had some traumas that affected me.
I was sexually abused as a child.
I was bullied a lot,
(02:05):
physically abused as a child.
And those things that, you
know, they happened to me.
As a child, you know, you think you don't
realize how they can affect you
as you become an adult and
how you can move forward.
Those things really had, obviously, a
definite impact on me
and how I proceeded forward
and how I entered into adulthood.
(02:26):
And then that manifested itself in a lot
of other ways as I became an adult.
And, you know, the interesting thing to
me is that as a child,
you don't necessarily perceive those
things as threats or, you know, it's just
the way you know it.
And so, you know, that
affects how you go into adulthood.
(02:49):
So when you think about your younger
self, what, you know,
what did you need the most
that you weren't getting and what do you
wish the adults in your life
might have done differently?
Yeah, so that's a great question.
You know, in my younger life, you know,
one of the things, you know,
I was in a family where I had
both parents, but
they worked all the time.
So they were always usually at work.
(03:11):
You know, back in those days, even from a
young age, I came
home by myself, you know,
it was safer times, I guess, to some
degree, but I'd come by
take the bus and get home,
you know, at age seven,
you know, I was by myself.
So I spent a lot, a
lot of time by myself.
And you were living in New
York City, is that right?
Massachusetts, actually.
Massachusetts.
(03:32):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
From me and Massachusetts,
but that's from originally.
So yeah, I would be there.
I'd be home by myself
for a long period of time.
And, you know, a lot of these things that
happened being bullied, you
know, being sexually abused,
you know, a lot of these things that
maybe I wish I was
(03:52):
more protected as a child.
And, you know, I think, and I can't think
for everyone, but for
me, it wasn't that I wasn't
in a loving home or loving environment.
It's people just weren't around, you
know, weren't around.
And then, you know, my dad was was old
school, if you will, that if,
you know, there's any sort of
events that happened or any sort of
(04:12):
traumas or any sort of emotional
distress, if you will,
it was always, you know, tough it out.
No, you're you're a boy.
Tough it out.
Be tough.
You know, he grew up from very rough and
humble beginnings in his environments.
I kind of understand his mindset.
But for me, being a child, you know, I
kind of wish that there had been
different ways, different talk paths,
(04:33):
different things we could,
you know, they would have said
or done to help me or protect me, you
know, as a child growing up.
So if one of your parents got home and,
you know, especially
your mom, since this is a
podcast for moms, what what kind of
question do you wish she
might have asked, you know,
(04:54):
and to get a little bit more out out of
you than the typical "fine,"
which is the answer we get.
Now that I'm older
and you look back on it, you
know, I wish there was more
of how are you feeling, you know, not
just and I was really good at sports.
So that was always a
big driver in my life.
And that was kind of out of the talk was,
you know, basketball
and that sort of stuff.
(05:15):
But it wasn't so much of how are you
feeling, you know, emotionally, how are
you feeling about this
certain situation about what's happened
recently? Those sort of
questions I wish were asked more.
It was always just more of, well, you're
good at sports. And so I
know you're doing fine,
you know, but I wish, you know, and my
(05:37):
mom was more of the one
that would talk a little more.
She a little more in depth than my dad.
My dad was more of the my way, the
highway type of a person.
And but my but my mom would talk a little
bit more, but but but still
it really wasn't the depth.
And again, you know, those kind of tools
that they grew up with, right?
No one was talking about emotions and
(05:58):
things when they when their childhood and
and they both had my mom and they both
had rough the childhoods themselves.
So, you know, as I'm older now, I can
give them little grace. But, you know, I
wish as a young boy,
there had been in my mom had just talked
to me more about how I'm feeling,
how I'm processing what has happened
(06:18):
today. And, you know, just
just in my, you know, emotional
state, I think that would have been
better for me to help to process through
kind of what I was feeling.
And and what age did you go through, you
know, the majority of or
your bigger traumas was,
you know, bullying and the sexual abuse.
(06:39):
Yeah, I mean, the
sexual abuse I was I was
like six, I believe I was really young.
The bullying really went along, man, from
probably eight, seven to, you know,
through high school, and
then actually came back again in
college and cause they called it hazing,
you know, but but those
those trauma, those triggers that
(07:01):
were there for me, you know, were tough.
And kind of going back
to your beginning topic,
you say, you know, how these things
affect you as you become older. So,
because all these traumas
that I had as a child, as you said
earlier, I felt like I didn't matter.
That was the biggest
thing. I felt like I didn't matter. No
one cared about me. And because I felt
(07:24):
like I didn't matter
as a child, when I became an adult, I
acted like I didn't matter.
So when I became an adult,
then I became addicted to pain pills, I
was had severe anxiety, and
that turned into insomnia,
which I couldn't sleep. And as I couldn't
sleep, not really knowing
the root cause of why I wasn't
sleeping, but trying to deal with this
(07:46):
insomnia, I then started with alcohol,
and then that didn't
work. Then I went into pain pills, and
you start taking more and
more pain pills and everything I
could get my hands on, again, because I
felt like I didn't matter.
And then, you know, kind of that
changing point for me, you know, this is
always into my early 20s,
(08:07):
is one day I said, you know
what, I'm just going to write down
everything that I'm taking right now. And
I just sat there and
wrote it all down. And the next day,
while I was so sober, I read
this list, and I'm reading it,
and it's OxyContin and Vicodin and
Percocet and half a bottle of wine, more
of Vicodin and Percocet,
half a bottle of Nyquil, and I'm reading
(08:28):
this list. And I was not suicidal. I
wasn't trying to kill
myself. But as I read the list, I said,
man, if my mom read this
list, if someone I cared about
read this list, they would think I was
trying to kill myself. And it
was really in that moment that
mentally I said, okay, things have to
change. We can't continue
down this path, because this path
(08:49):
will lead to something very bad. You
know, and it was in that moment that I
said, I have to change
that was kind of the beginning of me
really getting into personal development
and reading books and
podcasts and wasn't podcast way back
then, like YouTube and
whatever else I could get,
but I was becoming a sponge before that I
(09:09):
hadn't really read anything, you know.
So as I read it- How old were you?
So this part was in, I was like 25 or so,
when I was in the height
of this, at the height of my
addiction. And like I said, that's when I
really started getting into
personal development to say,
man, I need to change what's even out
(09:29):
there. How do I do that? And
it was as I was going through
this personal development, I started
realizing that, you know,
human beings, we all vibrate at
different frequencies. And I started
realizing that when you
have feelings of love and joy,
you vibrate at a higher vibration. And
when you have feelings of
self-doubt and failure and fear,
(09:52):
you operate at a low vibration. So I
started realizing that
successful people vibrate at a
higher vibration. So I started seeing
that, man, success is a vibe.
And people said like coffee is
a vibe, now yoga is a vibe, and
everything's a vibe. But I said success
is a vibe. But for me,
vibe was an acronym for vision,
(10:13):
intention, belief, and
execution. And I started realizing,
if you can have all four of those, then
you can have a lifetime of
success. And it was really that
VIBE system that helped get me out of
that dark place and take me from, you
know, at that point,
too, not only was I, I think at the pain
pills, I was making minimum wage, my
(10:35):
lights got turned off
for non-payment, my cable was turned off
for non-payment, phone was
like, so I was in a truly
dark, dark place, literally and
figuratively. So that was
the beginning of my journey,
going from that place to then becoming,
you know, award-winning
pharmaceutical sales rep,
becoming a motivational speaker, becoming
father, husband, you know,
(10:57):
that was kind of the impetus
from getting from there to where I am now.
So as I listened
to your story, you know,
I call that age, the "remarkable transformation"
that young adult age, you
So you're in this period of your
twenties, you know, where the
remarkable transformation is
occurring, you're learning hard life
(11:19):
lessons of, you know, work is
not as much fun as I thought
it was going to be. Independence is not
as fun as I thought it would be. My
heart's getting broken
by X, Y and Z person. So, you know, tell me
about that, that transition
period and how long it took.
The first thing that has to change is your
mindset. It has to be first.
(11:41):
And honestly, I think your mindset that
can change in an
instant. Something can happen,
trauma can happen. Someone can tell you
something. You can be in an
event and you can shift your
mind and you go and you can see things
differently. So that's the
first thing that can happen.
But then now it's okay, here come the
hard part because your mind
has now changed. You become
(12:01):
open. You see more. But now how do you
start doing the things or getting to
where you want to do?
Right? Because then you actually start
the process and then you run into
roadblocks and you run the
setbacks and then you're like, well,
maybe I wanted to change,
maybe I can't change, or maybe
this change isn't for me. So, you know,
for me, you say, how long did it take
(12:22):
them out? I would say
it's almost still ongoing. Right? As far
as that change. I would say
that maybe that acute phase,
I mean, two to three years of just
constantly because in those
times, like you said, your
mind has now shifted, but your
environment is usually still the same.
Right? Now your environment
(12:42):
can be physical from where you live. Your
environment can be the
people that you're around.
You're right. So if you're still around
those people with these
limiting beliefs or these
mindsets that are incongruent with where
you're trying to go, right?
That can be very difficult,
especially at a young age when, you know,
(13:02):
relationships and
community is so important.
And what are your friends think of you?
My friend's not going to like
me and that sort of stuff. So
it takes a couple of years of you
changing and changing and
understanding who you are,
you know, because one of the things that
I, that I say to people
too, is that, you know,
your willpower will always succumb to who
(13:24):
you believe you are. So
you could be all getting
motivated. Okay. I'm ready to change,
ready to change. If we do great things,
take over the world.
Right. But if you don't start believing
that stuff, right. And you
don't think that'll actually
happen, as soon as that person tells you,
you can't and you won't
because of X, Y, and Z,
you're going to start falling back. So
(13:45):
you have to start
building up that willpower,
building up your confidence. So other
questions people says,
well, how do you build up that
confidence? How does that happen? And I
heard a great quote from Ed Mylett,
actually. And he said
that, "Confidence comes from keeping the
promises you make to
yourself." So when I was in that dark
(14:05):
place, I was just trying to, let's just
do one more thing. Do say
something and then do it.
Right. When I was addicted to the pain
pills, I was like, let's see
if we can just not take one
from another 30 minutes. Let's just try
that. You know, and then
we get to 30 minutes. Oh,
I did it. Right. So you start building
some of those
confidence, small wins, micro wins,
(14:27):
those micro wins start building up that
builds your confidence to who you are.
Now you're someone that achieves things.
You're not someone that
fails and can't and those
would be now you're a person that
achieves and does what
they say they're going to do.
And when you start stacking those small
wins, then you start to
change who you are. And that
(14:48):
takes a while, right? Like that's not
going to happen. Like,
that's going to take some time,
some years to stack these wins. But
eventually when you start
stacking wins, you start
becoming more confident. Now you start
changing the person that you
are. People start seeing you
show up differently. So now your energy
is different. So
you're attracting different
energy and that's how it can start to
(15:09):
build itself. So you've
So you've mentioned the VIBE that you've
created something called the VIBE system.
Can you walk us
through what that means and how
parents could use it with their boys?
So success is a vibe. It's a system
that I teach. And again, it stands for
vision, intention, belief,
and execution. So you can
apply it to any area of life. So when you
(15:29):
have boys and especially
boys that are in difficult
situations and they don't want to talk,
they're, they're isolating.
You know, for me, I put the
V first because I always believe in order
to get out of anything or to get
somewhere to achieve
some sort of goal, there has to be a
vision of where you want to
go. You know, if you get in your
car and you put in the GPS, you have to
(15:50):
have a destination or it
has to be a vision of what it
is you want. When I was in that place, I
had no vision. Like I
was just like, whatever,
you would have everyone told me to do. So
how, how been your, your
son or these boys say, Hey,
what do we want to do? Where do we want
to go? And that could be
anything, right? It doesn't
matter what that is. But a lot of times
boys, we, we're just, you know, we're
(16:11):
team players. You got
to do what the coach says, you got to do
what the parents, we just
kind of follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow. But what is it we're
trying to do? What is it we
want? So with boys, we're,
we know, boys are more of, of, of a team,
of a coach, of a system,
of a process. And how do we
get there? So get a vision, get that
vision of where they want to
go. Once you get the vision,
what it is that they want to do, what
(16:33):
they want to accomplish, then you can
reverse engineer to get
the intentions, which are the action
steps. All right. Now you're
building the steps. How do you
get there? What's the next thing? If it's
sports, you know, practice
and what the next thing to do
to get better? If it's, you know, in
school, what sort of classes do you need
to take and what grades
need to get, whatever that is, what are
(16:53):
your intentions? And you
start working on those.
So once you have the intentions, again,
it starts taking away all that
idle time, that anxiety time,
all these weird thoughts creeped in. No,
no, no, we're going to
do and work the process.
And then when having the belief, beliefs
can be difficult at first,
you know, but as if it's a
(17:16):
parent, if it's moms of boys, moms, you
can instill the belief, right? You
believe in your son. You
let them know, I believe in you. You
believe in you, but I
believe in you. You know, sometimes
we have to believe what other people
think of us until our belief
kicks in, right? So when you
(17:36):
start, so as a mom, you start telling
your child, you can, you can, I believe
in you, I believe you.
So then that builds up their belief. And
the last part is that execution.
Execution is always the
hardest part. That's actually the doing
part. You know, I use the analogy, you
know, if you want to
lose weight, lose 30 pounds, you know,
you can envision yourself,
you know, on the beach in the
(17:57):
bikini, you can get the trainer, you
know, but then you get on the
treadmill, you start running
and now, you know, your lungs hurt and
your legs hurt, right? Then
you don't want to execute it.
So the execution is always the hardest.
And again, for boys, a lot of us boys,
we're kind of all over
the place. And I was selling you that
ADHD, he's like a squirrel. He can't
focus on anything, but
you have to execute, you know, helping
(18:19):
them execute in the game
with moms. One of the things
I wish someone had helped my mother had
helped me execute more as a
child. Again, I was fortunate.
I had basketball as a refuge. I was
always executing at that.
So people saw that I was
executing at something, not knowing all
the other stuff was so way
off in my brain. But again,
(18:41):
just helping your son execute, okay, this
is what we said we're going
to do. I'm going to help you
start to execute these things so that you
can then understand that
you're capable of executing on your own.
Right. And I do believe that
positive thinking from the mom
to his son is so, so critical.
(19:02):
And to some degree, I, you know, as a, as
just a human, I think of
it as the leap of faith in
yourself. And it takes, it takes a long
time to have enough confidence in
yourself to take that
leap of faith. Right. And that's what
(19:24):
your VIBE system is really talking about.
So you have a son, what
are you doing differently?
Yeah. So one of the big differences
between me and my son, my son's 10,
is just, I mean, I talked to him about
everything. I talked to him about
everything. I don't want
him to have, I don't want to think about
what is this or what is
that? I mean, we just talk about,
(19:45):
you know, what do you have questions
about? And even if he
doesn't have questions about,
because as you know, now social media and
YouTube, they see all the
stuff. It's all there for them,
you know, so, but I don't want him to
have a question about
what is this or how is that?
So we've talked about, you know, drugs,
sex, whatever it is, so
that he's aware, you know,
(20:05):
the pros and cons and how it works. And
then, you know, I didn't hear
anything. I had no talks about
nothing, you know, it was all figured all
out, you know, right. And I
want him to be crystal clear
so that he doesn't have a lot of the
times we get in trouble because
curiosity, right? I wonder what
that's about. And I wonder what that's
about. I wonder if these
drugs are about, you know,
just wonder, you know, but if someone can
(20:26):
say, hey, this is what they
do, this is what they don't
do, this is what you shouldn't do, what
you shouldn't do, and this
is how they can affect you,
we can have those conversations. So, and
me as a one, I'm super
over communicate with my son.
I'm very, very affectionate with my son
hugs, kisses, you know, I
didn't get that stuff, you know,
back, that wasn't a thing for me either.
(20:48):
Really, both my parents,
we just really weren't that
affectionate, honestly, when I was a kid.
Well, and I don't think it was as
as, you know, encouraged for males, it
was more like, you know, tap
on the back, good job. Yeah,
yeah. It's all was high five, you know,
so it was no, it was no
affection. Really, in my,
for me growing up, you know, there was,
(21:09):
there was affirmation of,
hey, good job, but there wasn't
affection. And I think that's a remiss
up. So I try to give affirmation and
affection to my son. So
then knowing that he's loved, you know,
is a big difference.
I want my son to, he knows, heck,
there's anything wrong, you come to me,
we talk about it, like I
(21:29):
said, so that's the big difference
that I do with my son.
So for listeners,
we've recorded several
podcasts that, that are really
fabulous on communication recommendations
for kids of all different
ages. So I, I suggest you
look through the, the, the Mothers of Boys
podcast list for that. But
if a mom is listening now
(21:51):
and thinking, I want to get this right,
what are a few simple things
she can do today to make her
son feel more seen and supported...
Yeah, I mean, I think to make
your feelings, you know, one's
going to sound simple, but
hugs and kisses, right? They
go a long way, you know, and I think for
whatever reason, kind of was
(22:12):
it earlier, I think for boys,
you think, Oh, they don't want them. They
might say mom get away or
whatever else, but they still
want it. You know, so those hugs and
kisses are very important
affirmation, you know, when they
do something right, you know, great job.
And it doesn't, the thing
is, I think what a mom can do
is it doesn't have to be the big stuff,
right? It doesn't have to
be, I don't know, you won the
(22:33):
championship or you got a hundred percent
on the test, right? That
that's great. But the, but the
small stuff, you know, you finished all
your work, you know, you,
you, you, you, you, you, you, you
passed this test. You took out the trash.
Like I asked you to do, you
cleaned up your, your shorts
off the floor, you know, it's the little
things that, that we need
(22:54):
the affirmation from and the
love for. And we do the small stuff, then
we'll do the big stuff, but
waiting for the big stuff,
the big stuff might not come, you know,
and in the big stuff, you
know, depending what you deem
as big versus I deem as big to be totally
different things, you know,
and that's what's different,
you know, since for my son, he struggles
(23:15):
in school with math sometimes. So he
might not be getting a
hundred, you know, if I wait for that,
you know what I mean? But,
but hey, if he can get an 80,
you know, or 78, you know, something like
that when he was
struggling, see, we celebrate all
those things. So I think celebrate
everything positive that
your son does, you know, what we
say, what rewards gets replicated, right?
(23:37):
So just make sure you're
there, make sure he knows that he
can tell you anything, you know, that's
what happens if we're
always berating and why could
you do this and you're dumb and you
can't, right? You know, I think words
matter, you know, so
making sure those positive, I know we,
you know, I, my son will still get be
raised and goes wrongs,
(23:57):
my saying it's always positive all the
time. But if it's going to
be, you know, something that he
did, he needs to be reprimanded for, and
it also needs to be the love on the
positive side. So it
can't just be one sided. So making sure
we're doing, make sure you're present,
give hugs and kisses,
making sure we celebrate all the good
stuff. You know, I think
(24:19):
those are some things that we can
start with to getting a better
relationship, which will then open the
communication. So something
bad does happen, help trust and have
confidence to tell you about it.
Right. Love, love that.
So EA, we also ask all of our
guests to, at the end of
each podcast, to share sort of a
(24:39):
guiding motto or a saying, you know, what
would, what would you
suggest for a mom who's sort of
struggling in those moments to protect
her son to say to herself?
I have a lot of quotes I love, but
one that I think is that
apropos here is if you change the
(25:01):
way you look at things, the things that
you look at will change. And
what that means is as I'm a
parent to it, so I'm in the middle, I'm
10, 10 years old, so I'm in
the middle of it right now
with you guys. And sometimes we get so
focused on, oh my goodness, how could
they not do that? And
they didn't do what I said. And I've told
them six times, they still
didn't do it. And we're so
(25:21):
frustrated and we're so upset. And we're
just like, you got to figure this out,
you know, but sometimes
if we can stop, you know, and start
changing the way we look at things
instead of looking at all
the negative things that we're so mad
about that they do and start looking at
what are the positive
things this child does great. He has
unique gifts and talents that are amazing
(25:43):
that he's able to do.
Something's much, much better than I can
do it as an adult. He can do it much
better right now. And
when we start looking at those things,
start celebrating those
great things that they do,
and then finding ways to accentuate those
things, right? Instead
of always being upset
because not doing the stuff we want them
to do, I think is one thing
(26:04):
that we can really look at to
really help to change our perspective on
our child. Because we're all focused, we want
to be the best, we do.
But sometimes we're so hard and so tough
and so driving of what they don't do
that we don't celebrate what they do do.
And I think maybe
backing off a little bit of the
criticism when they do something wrong
(26:27):
and being supportive is
really important to that balance.
Right, 100%. I mean, if they left their
socks on the floor, is
the world going to end?
It's frustrating, but it's not going to
end, right? Okay, pick
the socks up and let's keep
moving forward. Right. But yeah, you're
100%. Keeping that
perspective, big picture perspective
(26:51):
as to what's most important for the child
and for our relationship.
You know, parenting, it's the project
that takes, I don't know, 30 years to
figure out if you did
it right. So it's got a long runway. For
sure, for sure. So you are
a motivational speaker and
(27:13):
very inspirational. Where can our
listeners go to learn more
about you and what you do?
Yeah, so go to my website. My
website is www.eajonsonspeaks.com.
I go to my Instagram page, which is just
@eajonsonspeaks. And
(27:33):
if you want to email me,
it's just info@eajonsonspeaks.com.
And I will be including
all of that information
in the show notes for this podcast on our
webpage, which is at mothersofboys.life.
And thank you so much for joining us and
(27:53):
sharing your energy and
recommendations and your success.
We appreciate it. No, thank you so much
for having me. It is a phenomenal time
here. And I recommend
people to pick up your book, The Mother's
Visit Boys. It's a great
book. So thank you so much
for having me. I really appreciate it.
Thank you, EA. Thank
(28:15):
please follow and share the Mothers of
Boys Survival Guide podcast on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn. Sharing
helps other moms discover
the show. Be kind to yourself,
moms.
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