When a beloved pet has a life-changing diagnosis, one of the hardest things to do is think ahead. Most of us avoid it — not because we don't care, but because we care so deeply. We worry that planning for our pet's death somehow means giving up on them, or even hurrying it along. In this episode, Karen and Gail gently but directly address that fear — and explain why preparing, far from being an act of surrender, is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give both your pet and yourself.
Together, they walk through what thoughtful preparation looks like across four interconnected areas:
The Physical Side — From mobility aids and comfort kits to veterinary conversations about pain and symptom management, Karen and Gail talk honestly about how your pet's practical needs will shift over time — and why flexible, adaptive planning beats trying to have everything figured out from day one.
The Emotional Side — Long before a pet takes their last breath, most caregivers are already grieving. That grief even has a name: anticipatory grief. Gail shares a deeply personal story about what it felt like the day after losing Bobby, one of BrightHaven's beloved cats — and why being willing to grieve with your pet before they leave may be one of the most loving things you can do.
The Spiritual Side — You don't need to identify as spiritual or religious to find meaning and peace in this process. Karen and Gail explore what sacred space looks like in practice, how Gail's concept of the "body house" has helped countless caregivers make sense of loss, and why they believe that our relationship with our pets doesn't end with physical death.
The Practical Side — From researching at-home euthanasia vets while you're still thinking clearly, to planning how you'd like to honor your pet's body after death, this episode covers the decisions most people leave until the last possible moment — and explains why thinking them through early makes all the difference.
Whether you have months ahead with your pet or just days, Karen and Gail remind you: it's never too late to begin. Even small steps of preparation give you the gift of presence when the moment arrives — so that when it comes, you can simply be with your pet, without scrambling, without regret, and without feeling alone. 💜
📌 Related Resource:
- 📖Comfort Kit for Pets (Episode 037): https://brightpathforpets.com/blog/peace-of-mind-for-pet-parents-episode-037-pet-comfort-kit-essential-supplies-guide/
- 📖 Soul-Centered Care: Seeing Pet Death Differently A BrightPath TRANSITION Series Booklet - https://brightpathforpets.com/soul-centered-care-booklet/
- 📖 Nourishing Through Illness: Supporting Appetite, Comfort, and Care for Pets with Life-Changing Diagnoses - brightpathforpets.com/nourishing-through-illness
- 📖 The Pet Legacy & Lifetime Care Planning Workbook - brightpathforpets.com/pet-future-care-planning-workbook
- 📖 The BrightHaven Way: Lessons from 700 Animal Teachers PDF: https://brightpathforpets.com/brighthaven-way-book/
-
📖 Download the PEACEFUL Quality of Dying Guide: Signs of a Peaceful Passing at: https://brightpathforpets.com/resources-html/
-
📖 Walking The BrightPath: A Pet Parent’s Guide To Home Hospice And Natural Transition - https://brightpathforpets.com/blog/pet-hospice-guide
🌹 Join our monthly Rose Ceremony (free online pet celebration): https://brightpathforpets.com/rose-ceremony/
💬 If this episode touched your heart, you’re not alone. The BrightHaven Caregivers’ Hub is our supportive membership community for pet parents navigating caregiving, anticipatory grief, and all the moments in between.
We gather to share stories, ask questions, and care for each other as we care for our animals. If you’re walking this path, we’d be honored to walk it with you.
🔗 Learn more about the Hub: https://brightpathforpets.com/caregivers-hub/
📌Thanks for listening! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review 🐶⭐🐱
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents, the podcast by BrightHaven Caregiver Academy.
I'm Gail Pope and I'm Karen Wylie and together we're here to support you in navigating life with your aging or ill pets.
We know how deeply you care for your beloved companions, and we're here to offer guidance, understanding, and resources for this meaningful journey.
(00:25):
Each episode we'll explore topics that address the daily challenges, emotional realities, and choices you face as a pet parent helping you and your pets find peace, comfort, and joy.
Whether it's making sense of a new diagnosis, adjusting to changing needs, or simply seeking a place to feel understood, you're not alone.
(00:47):
Thank you for being here with us.
Karen Wylie (00:50):
Hello and welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
I'm Karen Wylie here as always with my dear friend Gail Pope.
Today we're going to be talking about something that a lot of pet parents avoid even thinking about and that is preparing for our pet's death.
I want to start by naming the fear that keeps people from even opening up this conversation many times.
(01:14):
We worry that even if we even think about it or plan for it, that we're somehow giving up on our pet or even causing it to happen sooner.
That fear is so common and so understandable but it's simply not true.
At BrightHaven, the way we see it, planning reduces fear.
So today we're going to walk through a pet's death and preparing for their death looks like from a wholistic perspective (01:34):
physically, emotionally, spiritually, and practically; whether or feel you have many more months left with your pet or perhaps a much shorter timeframe.
So Gail, as always, I'm going to turn to you first and ask, in your years at BrightHaven and supporting other pet parents, what have you seen happen both for the animal and the caregiver when a family does take time to prepare versus when everything happens when you're in crisis mode?
Gail Pope (02:11):
It's hard to answer because I think that period of preparation is all about emotion.
It's all about coming to our own center.
It's about acceptance.
I don't think we can prepare in any real way until we actually accept the transition is approaching.
We learn how to, I was going to say let go of fear but I don't think we ever quite let it go, but we learn how to keep it in balance.
(02:40):
We learn to focus on not only the practical things which may be different each time.
But to focus on the relationship between us, our other human and animal loved ones, and the animal who's dying or person.
It's all about teamwork, isn't it?
It's pulling everything together so that we don't fall apart in the middle.
(03:01):
We're all part of a team and we're all "being", and I think "being" maybe is the appropriate word there.
We're all being together, all of us.
Karen Wylie (03:11):
I guess one comment I would like to make about this, in full agreement with what you've shared, is that whatever thinking or planning a pet parent begins to do is not etched in stone.
It's something that can be modified all the way through.
And certainly maybe if your pet develops multiple conditions along the way which would cause you to be adapting as you go.
(03:36):
As I said starting out too it will be a different planning process if you are aware of your understanding that you have many weeks or months with your pet versus a much shorter timeframe.
Gail Pope (03:48):
Yes and sometimes the difficult part is you actually don't know.
Sometimes we can guess, we have an idea.
If I was going to say if we're used to the process but I don't, however many times you do it, I don't think we ever get quite used to the process of dying.
Again, it's baby steps on so many levels.
It's something that could be approaching maybe in six months' time then after the initial shock of understanding that is in the future, then it becomes more practical as an issue.
Karen Wylie (04:16):
Yes.
Gail Pope (04:17):
How do I prepare practically?
What do I need?
Have I got a shopping list?
Do I need to buy things?
If you've got an animal that's becoming slowly immobile, that's a big project.
Karen Wylie (04:27):
That's a big project.
Actually, that's exactly the first area I wanted us to address and that's the physical side of what does physical preparation actually look like?
You were just looking at mobility as one example.
Gail Pope (04:41):
Exactly, and size of the animal.
If you've got a large 100-pound dog who is struggling to walk, that's huge.
You may have any size dog that isn't actually struggling to walk but could use a little help.
So now you're looking into the area of wheelchairs and different aids to assist in walking.
But then as they start to decline that in itself will change.
(05:05):
There will come a point where they're not strong enough to use a wheelchair.
Then maybe you're looking at a stroller to take them for a walk— for cats and dogs alike, and humans too.
Karen Wylie (05:15):
And humans too.
Gail Pope (05:17):
Because fresh air and sunshine is important even when you are immobile.
So preparing a beautiful bed for them to lie on is great, but you've also got to think beyond that.
They've got to have a life.
This is about living and not just lying down to die, right?
Karen Wylie (05:32):
Absolutely, absolutely.
We have talked at times about a comfort kit that we could begin gathering ahead of time things that we might want in it so that it's not a big scramble later on.
We have focused on putting a comfort kit together in a previous podcast episode so I'll make sure we put a link to that episode in the show notes.
(05:53):
But what other areas of planning for the physical would you like to add?
Gail Pope (05:58):
That goes hand in hand with veterinary care or not even veterinary but all aspects of the medical issues that you're facing.
Making sure that, again, it sits under the umbrella of the comfort kit but making sure that you've got everything you need now.
Also projecting possible needs in the future and practical needs (06:13):
cotton wool buds and all sorts of applicator sticks, the amount of odds and ends, syringes of different sizes.
Depends on the animal, depends on the needs but it can grow and change.
So it's all about adaptation because if you rush out and buy everything you think you might need at the beginning, you may not need half of it and you probably still will need other things.
(06:38):
So it's just going with the flow and I think maybe that is something that underscores this entire subject because you can't say, "Oh, it's the 1st of September. We've got until the end of January, and so here's what we're going to do," because you don't know.
As the days go by, things will change.
So it really is about thinking ahead, planning ahead but understanding that it's not set in stone.
(07:04):
Things can change.
Karen Wylie (07:06):
Would you see talking with your vet about pain management or symptom management as something to do early on?
Gail Pope (07:14):
Definitely.
I think earlier in the conversation… See, it's difficult because we have two topics here.
We've got an animal who's maybe had a terminal diagnosis, so your focus is clearly on end of life and what you might need to do to prepare but it may not be that.
It may be an illness from which they will most likely recover.
(07:35):
So that conversation with the vet will need to be structured on either.
If it's to do with an animal approaching the end of life then obviously education comes first.
They need to be prepared to make a choice as the end comes, the choice for allowing the animal to die naturally or the choice to choose euthanasia.
(07:57):
So they need to be prepared for what they may face as they approach those end choices.
Pain medication is obviously something that they may have already, depending on the illness.
But that medication may not be appropriate further down the road towards the actual end of life because at that point they would need a different medication that wouldn't necessarily require a swallowing process.
(08:22):
So I think having a veterinarian who understands how things may change, who is willing to contribute the right medications to the comfort care, box or boxes, or cupboard.
Karen Wylie (08:36):
Or cupboard or whole room as you used to have.
I've seen the pictures.
I guess once the physical environment feels supported.
Then there's the emotional side, of course, for the pet but probably mostly for us.
So this is the part that nobody really warns you about the grief that starts before the physical death.
(08:56):
It's called anticipatory grief and it's real grief even though your pet is still right there with you.
So Gail, how do you talk to families about the emotions that come up during this time and how do you help them feel less alone during it?
Gail Pope (09:10):
By being there for them through the journey is the important part.
Knowing you have someone to talk to who understands.
It may be a friend, it may be a neighbor, it may be a family member but I think it's important that we all have someone we can share our feelings with during that journey.
Karen Wylie (09:26):
Asking you about anticipatory grief and how you talk with families about the emotions that start to come up during this time while your pet is still with you before the physical loss of them, and how you help them feel less alone?
One thing I've thought about with you is that in last few weeks you had a consultation that was with the wife in the marriage and then when you were almost done you said that the husband became involved.
(09:54):
He was so relieved and so happy that his wife was being supported by you in the conversation because he was off camera for a while and then he was part of it, that it was very supportive.
You were able to be supportive of both of them.
Gail Pope (10:08):
That's lovely when the whole family sometimes get involved.
Most often it's like the principal caregiver, generally the lady of the family, but sometimes it's not.
I think anticipatory grief is a really big subject because it's something that's talked about professionally a lot.
However, I know for myself, I hadn't realized I was grieving before the animal died.
(10:32):
I was in pain, I was worrying about every single minute of every day with them.
But it hadn't occurred to me that after they passed— I think I've told this story before but I have to tell it again because it really struck me as being important for me.
That was when one day a cat, I think it was Bobby, died at the weekend on, maybe on Sunday.
(10:52):
And on Monday a volunteer, regular volunteer, came to BrightHaven and she stopped and said, "I'm so sorry, I read the news," blah, blah, blah.
She said, "I wonder if I might ask you a question." I said, "Yes, of course." She said, "He died yesterday, and here you are vacuuming, doing the laundry, scooping litter boxes, listening to the radio, and you don't seem to be grieving.
(11:17):
I expected to find you in floods of tears."
And I said, "Oh, the tears are still there…" But wow, I didn't know what to say.
It was only when I'd taken the time to think through, I realized that I was actually in process of beginning to celebrate his life rather than grieve.
So then I realized I'd grieved with him before he passed and that was a very different feeling than falling apart in grief after the death.
(11:43):
We grieved together before he left.
I think that possibly is one of the most important parts— is to share the journey with your loved ones who are dying, rather than talking to them as though it's not happening.
"Oh, you're feeling a bit better today" or expecting the atmosphere to be bright and cheery every day, rather than just sitting and being with them.
(12:06):
Asking how they feel in a different way.
Discussing with them that their physical selves aren't going to be with you.
You're not going to be together in the same way in the future.
Let's face it, our animals speak our language.
We don't speak theirs so well.
And so you know, we just take it for granted but they understand us but we need to actually talk with them.
(12:28):
Listen to how they're responding at that deeper level.
Karen Wylie (12:31):
What you're describing for me is the gift of time that hospice care provides us when we do know that our pet has something physically going on that is going to bring about their physical death earlier than we ever wanted or hoped.
It's time to say everything you want to say, just like we would say with a person.
Make sure you say everything you want to say to them before they leave.
(12:55):
It's the same with our pets because with anticipatory grief, the losses along the way are little ones but they're very significant.
I'm thinking of common ones for me with my cats would be realizing that someone wasn't jumping up to the highest shelf on the cat tree anymore.
It's like when you notice that, it's "Oh, that's where they always used to love to be" and now suddenly they're choosing one of those shelves a couple down that are easier to get to.
(13:23):
They're still choosing to be on the cat tree but it's different.
Those observations that you make tug at your heart a little bit at a time, all the way through.
So it hurts a little bit at a time but it helps later on too because it does bring their potential loss, I think, higher in your consciousness.
You do want to make every moment count and say what needs to be said and spend more time with them in different ways than perhaps you did.
(13:51):
So your gratitude, the memories, whatever you want to share with your pet is so important.
Gail Pope (13:56):
That also is true for humans.
In my case, I must say that since I had my 80th birthday, my family and friends have these conversations with me more now.
They haven't ever before but now it's like they realize that I'm an old girl.
It is this time of life, and that life doesn't go on forever.
(14:17):
So there's a lot more thought and planning.
Maybe it's because we've been in the world of dying and death for a long time and people feel more comfortable to talk to me about it rather than go, "Oh my God, she's so old."
Karen Wylie (14:33):
Most of them probably had no idea what your age was until we published it for your 80th birthday.
Then it was like, "Really?
She's 80?
She's 80?
No."
Gail Pope (14:43):
Yes, wait till I get to 100.
Karen Wylie (14:46):
There you go.
Think what we'll be doing then.
Now that we've looked at the physical and the emotional, let's turn our attention a little bit here to the spiritual.
It's not that you as a caregiver needs to identify as a spiritual or religious person.
You can think of it more as just finding meaning from the experience that you're having with your pet.
(15:10):
What could help you feel a sense of peace or presence at this time.
Gail, there's a practical side even to the spiritual aspects of care in preparation for a pet's death because what does sacred space look like in preparing, in practice for a pet?
Gail Pope (15:28):
I mean there's all sorts of answers to that because there's your own personal internal sacred space, and then there's the sacred space that you prepare in your mind for how you're going to honor their body when they've left it.
That actually takes me back full circle to the beginning where you're preparing your own mind and thinking about the spiritual aspects of farewell and transition.
(15:55):
I guess the one thing that really helped me in that journey was when I developed the understanding that I am living in my body house and when I die, my house is still there but I won't be in it.
So that created a huge change for me to be able to say to my animals, "Fare thee well."
(16:15):
I've loved this house that you're living in.
I think that's a big part of our grief is that body house dying.
But if we have spiritual understanding that our loved one is still with us but just in a completely different way.
We don't quite understand that.
We all have various beliefs about what that entails.
But being able to make that separation in our mind to honor one part and then to actually have a knowing that part of them still exists and loves us, that's perhaps the biggest part.
(16:49):
We can still love them.
It just has to be in a different way.
Karen Wylie (16:53):
Yes, our relationship can continue but without their physical form, our relationship will take on new form, new shape itself.
Gail Pope (17:02):
You express things so much better than I do.
Karen Wylie (17:05):
I wouldn't agree but I appreciate it.
Still nice of you to say.
But of course, this is the way we view end of life and the physical death of our pets.
We don't see this as the end of our relationship with them.
Gail Pope (17:19):
And that makes planning before, I wouldn't say it's easy, it's easier because we are planning a celebration of their life.
All the while, we're grieving the fact we know that they're going to be leaving us in daily life.
But then we can actually plan how we want to commemorate that time in the knowing that in some way or other, they're there with us during that time.
Karen Wylie (17:42):
I will mention that our e-book, "Soul-Centered Care
So we'll put a link to that e-book in the show notes as well.
I guess this last area that I'd like us to look at is, again, the practical.
(18:02):
Because as we come to the end of the pet's physical life, we begin thinking about some of the decisions or planning that is needed to be done.
Are we going to choose to support our pet in a natural death or euthanasia if it's needed and then what's going to happen afterwards.
So where do you see that coming into the planning process?
(18:24):
Is that one of the first things people start thinking about or is it the very last thing?
Gail Pope (18:30):
Generally it's the last.
However, it should be the first, or at least in the middle if you like.
The one thing that I always suggest, especially if there's not a decision about how the person wants the life to end, is that they plan ahead by obviously learning more about the dying process but making contact with preferably an at-home euthanasia vet. Having a word with them, making sure they feel comfortable, and then putting their telephone number on their fridge.
(18:57):
So if they do make that decision, it will be easy to just go, "Okay, I already spoke to that person. I know what she sound or he sounds like. Here's the phone number, and I can call and discuss making an appointment with them." That's one thing you can take off the table.
You know you've planned for it.
Karen Wylie (19:13):
That is definitely one of the better things to do while your logical self is reviewing webpages and identifying who's close to you and beginning to check things out.
You really do not want to have to be going through that process emotionally when you're in the midst of your pet in active dying.
That's just making the whole process worse for you.
Gail Pope (19:34):
I think in actual fact, it's almost become quite lovely for me.
It's not something that I would do very early on but once one of my animals may actually be obviously in their dying process, then I start already at that point in time thinking about their favorite bed.
What bedding would I like to put them in.
Where and what toys did they like?
(19:57):
What things commemorate their life best?
I don't necessarily gather them all up because, at that point, I don't quite know what the ending is going to be or what I will need or where it will be.
But I start eyeing things and thinking, "Oh, I mustn't forget that" and, "Oh, he would love to have that." I think planning in your mind a little bit is important.
(20:17):
Then obviously as the time gets closer, if you're going to honor your pet at home perhaps after death for a little while, then you also have to then start thinking about caring for his body or her body after the death.
So that's something else ahead of you to think about.
Karen Wylie (20:34):
And it is especially once you're deciding if you do choose euthanasia, you have less control over the time factor after the procedure.
Certainly, if you're at home and you're using the services of a mobile vet, they're still going to try to give you a few minutes to be with your pet alone.
Gail Pope (20:54):
Obviously lots of people know that we do a three-day process approximately, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I'm also finding that people are telling me that they will call their euthanasia vet, who will come, spend beautiful time with them.
Then they will leave the body with them for as long as they wish, and collect the body in two or three days or whenever needed or they will take the body as and when they want to.
(21:18):
That's back to that vet or to a local veterinarian then going to the crematorium.
Or they will just take them to the chosen crematorium when they want to.
Karen Wylie (21:27):
That's wonderful.
I hadn't heard that aspect.
Gail Pope (21:30):
Yes.
Karen Wylie (21:30):
What I was hearing from people who've chosen to, to use mobile vets for euthanasia is that they were very kind and would give them alone time.
As they'd go out to their car and doing some of the paperwork or whatever.
But the pet parent would be feeling like, "Oh, we're holding them up. We need to relinquish the body."
It wasn't necessarily that the vet was pressuring them from a time perspective, but the pet parent was feeling it.
(21:54):
As you're saying, you can begin thinking about what you would like after your pet has physically died.
Would you want time for your family to be with the pet, whether it's a wake or an honoring or however you want to approach it.
You can create that time however you would like.
Gail Pope (22:10):
Yes and a lot of people these days, I'm finding, to actually take their pet to their chosen burial ground, crematorium themselves rather than have the veterinarian take care of it.
They actually want to be part of the process all the way through.
So it varies and I think that's lovely.
It's lovely that the veterinary community is starting to really open up to all the different ways for a life to end as it were and how to honor it.
(22:40):
I think it's lovely.
As you say it, until fairly recently it was the accepted thing that the veterinarian would take the body with them and that was heartbreaking.
A lot of people still will go that route because they haven't reached a place of a different understanding, and it's perfectly comfortable.
Karen Wylie (22:56):
And this brings up, once again, one of the benefits of planning is that you can think ahead.
Learn what your options are.
Feel into the ones that feel most like you and your family and right for your pet.
If you're not doing any planning, you'll basically be making decisions on the fly with whoever you can find quickly and not understanding your options.
(23:18):
So again it does help to plan.
So let's bring all of this together, all of our different aspects.
So we've talked about the fact that planning doesn't cause anything to happen or make it happen more quickly.
It just gives you the gift of presence, really when the moment comes.
You've thought through a lot of things and you're ready for it, and you can just be with your pet.
(23:40):
You won't be trying to think in the middle of the most emotional upset and grief that you're going to feel.
Whether you have months or days ahead, even small preparation matters.
It's never too late to start your planning because preparation will touch every part of you.
We're talking about it physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the process for your pet.
(24:03):
But each piece is really also about you and your family and that's important.
So Gail, any final thought you'd like to leave with anyone listening to our conversation today, wherever they are in their journey?
Gail Pope (24:16):
I guess I come back to that very old Gail saying, it's all about love.
It really is all about love, and it's about acceptance, togetherness, and making memories, isn't it?
Karen Wylie (24:29):
It is.
Making every moment that we have with them count.
They're so precious.
I think I will end today by quoting someone we all know and love.
So I will say, you did your best and you did it with love, and that is enough.
Gail Pope (24:43):
That's true.
Karen Wylie (24:45):
And thank you for being with us for this conversation today, and I hope you'll be with us next week too.
Bye-bye now.
Gail Pope (24:52):
Bye-bye.
Thank you for joining us on Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
We hope today's episode has offered you support and insight as you care for your aging or ill pets.
Remember, it's not just about the end.
It's about living well at every stage of life.
To continue your journey with us, explore more resources at BrightHaven Caregiver Academy's website— BrightPathForPets.com, where you'll find guides, assessments, and a caring community of pet parents like you.
(25:28):
Until next time, may you and your pets find comfort, connection, and peace in every moment.
Take care.
Welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents, the podcast by BrightHaven Caregiver Academy.
I'm Gail Pope and I'm Karen Wylie and together we're here to support you in navigating life with your aging or ill pets.
We know how deeply you care for your beloved companions, and we're here to offer guidance, understanding, and resources for this meaningful journey.
(00:25):
Each episode we'll explore topics that address the daily challenges, emotional realities, and choices you face as a pet parent helping you and your pets find peace, comfort, and joy.
Whether it's making sense of a new diagnosis, adjusting to changing needs, or simply seeking a place to feel understood, you're not alone.
(00:47):
Thank you for being here with us.
Karen Wylie (00:50):
Hello and welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
I'm Karen Wylie here as always with my dear friend Gail Pope.
Today we're going to be talking about something that a lot of pet parents avoid even thinking about and that is preparing for our pet's death.
I want to start by naming the fear that keeps people from even opening up this conversation many times.
(01:14):
We worry that even if we even think about it or plan for it, that we're somehow giving up on our pet or even causing it to happen sooner.
That fear is so common and so understandable but it's simply not true.
At BrightHaven, the way we see it, planning reduces fear.
So today we're going to walk through a pet's death and preparing for their death looks like from a wholistic perspective (01:34):
physically, emotionally, spiritually, and practically; whether or feel you have many more months left with your pet or perhaps a much shorter timeframe.
So Gail, as always, I'm going to turn to you first and ask, in your years at BrightHaven and supporting other pet parents, what have you seen happen both for the animal and the caregiver when a family does take time to prepare versus when everything happens when you're in crisis mode?
Gail Pope (02:11):
It's hard to answer because I think that period of preparation is all about emotion.
It's all about coming to our own center.
It's about acceptance.
I don't think we can prepare in any real way until we actually accept the transition is approaching.
We learn how to, I was going to say let go of fear but I don't think we ever quite let it go, but we learn how to keep it in balance.
(02:40):
We learn to focus on not only the practical things which may be different each time.
But to focus on the relationship between us, our other human and animal loved ones, and the animal who's dying or person.
It's all about teamwork, isn't it?
It's pulling everything together so that we don't fall apart in the middle.
(03:01):
We're all part of a team and we're all "being", and I think "being" maybe is the appropriate word there.
We're all being together, all of us.
Karen Wylie (03:11):
I guess one comment I would like to make about this, in full agreement with what you've shared, is that whatever thinking or planning a pet parent begins to do is not etched in stone.
It's something that can be modified all the way through.
And certainly maybe if your pet develops multiple conditions along the way which would cause you to be adapting as you go.
(03:36):
As I said starting out too it will be a different planning process if you are aware of your understanding that you have many weeks or months with your pet versus a much shorter timeframe.
Gail Pope (03:48):
Yes and sometimes the difficult part is you actually don't know.
Sometimes we can guess, we have an idea.
If I was going to say if we're used to the process but I don't, however many times you do it, I don't think we ever get quite used to the process of dying.
Again, it's baby steps on so many levels.
It's something that could be approaching maybe in six months' time then after the initial shock of understanding that is in the future, then it becomes more practical as an issue.
Karen Wylie (04:16):
Yes.
Gail Pope (04:17):
How do I prepare practically?
What do I need?
Have I got a shopping list?
Do I need to buy things?
If you've got an animal that's becoming slowly immobile, that's a big project.
Karen Wylie (04:27):
That's a big project.
Actually, that's exactly the first area I wanted us to address and that's the physical side of what does physical preparation actually look like?
You were just looking at mobility as one example.
Gail Pope (04:41):
Exactly, and size of the animal.
If you've got a large 100-pound dog who is struggling to walk, that's huge.
You may have any size dog that isn't actually struggling to walk but could use a little help.
So now you're looking into the area of wheelchairs and different aids to assist in walking.
But then as they start to decline that in itself will change.
(05:05):
There will come a point where they're not strong enough to use a wheelchair.
Then maybe you're looking at a stroller to take them for a walk— for cats and dogs alike, and humans too.
Karen Wylie (05:15):
And humans too.
Gail Pope (05:17):
Because fresh air and sunshine is important even when you are immobile.
So preparing a beautiful bed for them to lie on is great, but you've also got to think beyond that.
They've got to have a life.
This is about living and not just lying down to die, right?
Karen Wylie (05:32):
Absolutely, absolutely.
We have talked at times about a comfort kit that we could begin gathering ahead of time things that we might want in it so that it's not a big scramble later on.
We have focused on putting a comfort kit together in a previous podcast episode so I'll make sure we put a link to that episode in the show notes.
(05:53):
But what other areas of planning for the physical would you like to add?
Gail Pope (05:58):
That goes hand in hand with veterinary care or not even veterinary but all aspects of the medical issues that you're facing.
Making sure that, again, it sits under the umbrella of the comfort kit but making sure that you've got everything you need now.
Also projecting possible needs in the future and practical needs (06:13):
cotton wool buds and all sorts of applicator sticks, the amount of odds and ends, syringes of different sizes.
Depends on the animal, depends on the needs but it can grow and change.
So it's all about adaptation because if you rush out and buy everything you think you might need at the beginning, you may not need half of it and you probably still will need other things.
(06:38):
So it's just going with the flow and I think maybe that is something that underscores this entire subject because you can't say, "Oh, it's the 1st of September. We've got until the end of January, and so here's what we're going to do," because you don't know.
As the days go by, things will change.
So it really is about thinking ahead, planning ahead but understanding that it's not set in stone.
(07:04):
Things can change.
Karen Wylie (07:06):
Would you see talking with your vet about pain management or symptom management as something to do early on?
Gail Pope (07:14):
Definitely.
I think earlier in the conversation… See, it's difficult because we have two topics here.
We've got an animal who's maybe had a terminal diagnosis, so your focus is clearly on end of life and what you might need to do to prepare but it may not be that.
It may be an illness from which they will most likely recover.
(07:35):
So that conversation with the vet will need to be structured on either.
If it's to do with an animal approaching the end of life then obviously education comes first.
They need to be prepared to make a choice as the end comes, the choice for allowing the animal to die naturally or the choice to choose euthanasia.
(07:57):
So they need to be prepared for what they may face as they approach those end choices.
Pain medication is obviously something that they may have already, depending on the illness.
But that medication may not be appropriate further down the road towards the actual end of life because at that point they would need a different medication that wouldn't necessarily require a swallowing process.
(08:22):
So I think having a veterinarian who understands how things may change, who is willing to contribute the right medications to the comfort care, box or boxes, or cupboard.
Karen Wylie (08:36):
Or cupboard or whole room as you used to have.
I've seen the pictures.
I guess once the physical environment feels supported.
Then there's the emotional side, of course, for the pet but probably mostly for us.
So this is the part that nobody really warns you about the grief that starts before the physical death.
(08:56):
It's called anticipatory grief and it's real grief even though your pet is still right there with you.
So Gail, how do you talk to families about the emotions that come up during this time and how do you help them feel less alone during it?
Gail Pope (09:10):
By being there for them through the journey is the important part.
Knowing you have someone to talk to who understands.
It may be a friend, it may be a neighbor, it may be a family member but I think it's important that we all have someone we can share our feelings with during that journey.
Karen Wylie (09:26):
Asking you about anticipatory grief and how you talk with families about the emotions that start to come up during this time while your pet is still with you before the physical loss of them, and how you help them feel less alone?
One thing I've thought about with you is that in last few weeks you had a consultation that was with the wife in the marriage and then when you were almost done you said that the husband became involved.
(09:54):
He was so relieved and so happy that his wife was being supported by you in the conversation because he was off camera for a while and then he was part of it, that it was very supportive.
You were able to be supportive of both of them.
Gail Pope (10:08):
That's lovely when the whole family sometimes get involved.
Most often it's like the principal caregiver, generally the lady of the family, but sometimes it's not.
I think anticipatory grief is a really big subject because it's something that's talked about professionally a lot.
However, I know for myself, I hadn't realized I was grieving before the animal died.
(10:32):
I was in pain, I was worrying about every single minute of every day with them.
But it hadn't occurred to me that after they passed— I think I've told this story before but I have to tell it again because it really struck me as being important for me.
That was when one day a cat, I think it was Bobby, died at the weekend on, maybe on Sunday.
(10:52):
And on Monday a volunteer, regular volunteer, came to BrightHaven and she stopped and said, "I'm so sorry, I read the news," blah, blah, blah.
She said, "I wonder if I might ask you a question." I said, "Yes, of course." She said, "He died yesterday, and here you are vacuuming, doing the laundry, scooping litter boxes, listening to the radio, and you don't seem to be grieving.
(11:17):
I expected to find you in floods of tears."
And I said, "Oh, the tears are still there…" But wow, I didn't know what to say.
It was only when I'd taken the time to think through, I realized that I was actually in process of beginning to celebrate his life rather than grieve.
So then I realized I'd grieved with him before he passed and that was a very different feeling than falling apart in grief after the death.
(11:43):
We grieved together before he left.
I think that possibly is one of the most important parts— is to share the journey with your loved ones who are dying, rather than talking to them as though it's not happening.
"Oh, you're feeling a bit better today" or expecting the atmosphere to be bright and cheery every day, rather than just sitting and being with them.
(12:06):
Asking how they feel in a different way.
Discussing with them that their physical selves aren't going to be with you.
You're not going to be together in the same way in the future.
Let's face it, our animals speak our language.
We don't speak theirs so well.
And so you know, we just take it for granted but they understand us but we need to actually talk with them.
(12:28):
Listen to how they're responding at that deeper level.
Karen Wylie (12:31):
What you're describing for me is the gift of time that hospice care provides us when we do know that our pet has something physically going on that is going to bring about their physical death earlier than we ever wanted or hoped.
It's time to say everything you want to say, just like we would say with a person.
Make sure you say everything you want to say to them before they leave.
(12:55):
It's the same with our pets because with anticipatory grief, the losses along the way are little ones but they're very significant.
I'm thinking of common ones for me with my cats would be realizing that someone wasn't jumping up to the highest shelf on the cat tree anymore.
It's like when you notice that, it's "Oh, that's where they always used to love to be" and now suddenly they're choosing one of those shelves a couple down that are easier to get to.
(13:23):
They're still choosing to be on the cat tree but it's different.
Those observations that you make tug at your heart a little bit at a time, all the way through.
So it hurts a little bit at a time but it helps later on too because it does bring their potential loss, I think, higher in your consciousness.
You do want to make every moment count and say what needs to be said and spend more time with them in different ways than perhaps you did.
(13:51):
So your gratitude, the memories, whatever you want to share with your pet is so important.
Gail Pope (13:56):
That also is true for humans.
In my case, I must say that since I had my 80th birthday, my family and friends have these conversations with me more now.
They haven't ever before but now it's like they realize that I'm an old girl.
It is this time of life, and that life doesn't go on forever.
(14:17):
So there's a lot more thought and planning.
Maybe it's because we've been in the world of dying and death for a long time and people feel more comfortable to talk to me about it rather than go, "Oh my God, she's so old."
Karen Wylie (14:33):
Most of them probably had no idea what your age was until we published it for your 80th birthday.
Then it was like, "Really?
She's 80?
She's 80?
No."
Gail Pope (14:43):
Yes, wait till I get to 100.
Karen Wylie (14:46):
There you go.
Think what we'll be doing then.
Now that we've looked at the physical and the emotional, let's turn our attention a little bit here to the spiritual.
It's not that you as a caregiver needs to identify as a spiritual or religious person.
You can think of it more as just finding meaning from the experience that you're having with your pet.
(15:10):
What could help you feel a sense of peace or presence at this time.
Gail, there's a practical side even to the spiritual aspects of care in preparation for a pet's death because what does sacred space look like in preparing, in practice for a pet?
Gail Pope (15:28):
I mean there's all sorts of answers to that because there's your own personal internal sacred space, and then there's the sacred space that you prepare in your mind for how you're going to honor their body when they've left it.
That actually takes me back full circle to the beginning where you're preparing your own mind and thinking about the spiritual aspects of farewell and transition.
(15:55):
I guess the one thing that really helped me in that journey was when I developed the understanding that I am living in my body house and when I die, my house is still there but I won't be in it.
So that created a huge change for me to be able to say to my animals, "Fare thee well."
(16:15):
I've loved this house that you're living in.
I think that's a big part of our grief is that body house dying.
But if we have spiritual understanding that our loved one is still with us but just in a completely different way.
We don't quite understand that.
We all have various beliefs about what that entails.
But being able to make that separation in our mind to honor one part and then to actually have a knowing that part of them still exists and loves us, that's perhaps the biggest part.
(16:49):
We can still love them.
It just has to be in a different way.
Karen Wylie (16:53):
Yes, our relationship can continue but without their physical form, our relationship will take on new form, new shape itself.
Gail Pope (17:02):
You express things so much better than I do.
Karen Wylie (17:05):
I wouldn't agree but I appreciate it.
Still nice of you to say.
But of course, this is the way we view end of life and the physical death of our pets.
We don't see this as the end of our relationship with them.
Gail Pope (17:19):
And that makes planning before, I wouldn't say it's easy, it's easier because we are planning a celebration of their life.
All the while, we're grieving the fact we know that they're going to be leaving us in daily life.
But then we can actually plan how we want to commemorate that time in the knowing that in some way or other, they're there with us during that time.
Karen Wylie (17:42):
I will mention that our e-book, "Soul-Centered Care
So we'll put a link to that e-book in the show notes as well.
I guess this last area that I'd like us to look at is, again, the practical.
(18:02):
Because as we come to the end of the pet's physical life, we begin thinking about some of the decisions or planning that is needed to be done.
Are we going to choose to support our pet in a natural death or euthanasia if it's needed and then what's going to happen afterwards.
So where do you see that coming into the planning process?
(18:24):
Is that one of the first things people start thinking about or is it the very last thing?
Gail Pope (18:30):
Generally it's the last.
However, it should be the first, or at least in the middle if you like.
The one thing that I always suggest, especially if there's not a decision about how the person wants the life to end, is that they plan ahead by obviously learning more about the dying process but making contact with preferably an at-home euthanasia vet. Having a word with them, making sure they feel comfortable, and then putting their telephone number on their fridge.
(18:57):
So if they do make that decision, it will be easy to just go, "Okay, I already spoke to that person. I know what she sound or he sounds like. Here's the phone number, and I can call and discuss making an appointment with them." That's one thing you can take off the table.
You know you've planned for it.
Karen Wylie (19:13):
That is definitely one of the better things to do while your logical self is reviewing webpages and identifying who's close to you and beginning to check things out.
You really do not want to have to be going through that process emotionally when you're in the midst of your pet in active dying.
That's just making the whole process worse for you.
Gail Pope (19:34):
I think in actual fact, it's almost become quite lovely for me.
It's not something that I would do very early on but once one of my animals may actually be obviously in their dying process, then I start already at that point in time thinking about their favorite bed.
What bedding would I like to put them in.
Where and what toys did they like?
(19:57):
What things commemorate their life best?
I don't necessarily gather them all up because, at that point, I don't quite know what the ending is going to be or what I will need or where it will be.
But I start eyeing things and thinking, "Oh, I mustn't forget that" and, "Oh, he would love to have that." I think planning in your mind a little bit is important.
(20:17):
Then obviously as the time gets closer, if you're going to honor your pet at home perhaps after death for a little while, then you also have to then start thinking about caring for his body or her body after the death.
So that's something else ahead of you to think about.
Karen Wylie (20:34):
And it is especially once you're deciding if you do choose euthanasia, you have less control over the time factor after the procedure.
Certainly, if you're at home and you're using the services of a mobile vet, they're still going to try to give you a few minutes to be with your pet alone.
Gail Pope (20:54):
Obviously lots of people know that we do a three-day process approximately, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I'm also finding that people are telling me that they will call their euthanasia vet, who will come, spend beautiful time with them.
Then they will leave the body with them for as long as they wish, and collect the body in two or three days or whenever needed or they will take the body as and when they want to.
(21:18):
That's back to that vet or to a local veterinarian then going to the crematorium.
Or they will just take them to the chosen crematorium when they want to.
Karen Wylie (21:27):
That's wonderful.
I hadn't heard that aspect.
Gail Pope (21:30):
Yes.
Karen Wylie (21:30):
What I was hearing from people who've chosen to, to use mobile vets for euthanasia is that they were very kind and would give them alone time.
As they'd go out to their car and doing some of the paperwork or whatever.
But the pet parent would be feeling like, "Oh, we're holding them up. We need to relinquish the body."
It wasn't necessarily that the vet was pressuring them from a time perspective, but the pet parent was feeling it.
(21:54):
As you're saying, you can begin thinking about what you would like after your pet has physically died.
Would you want time for your family to be with the pet, whether it's a wake or an honoring or however you want to approach it.
You can create that time however you would like.
Gail Pope (22:10):
Yes and a lot of people these days, I'm finding, to actually take their pet to their chosen burial ground, crematorium themselves rather than have the veterinarian take care of it.
They actually want to be part of the process all the way through.
So it varies and I think that's lovely.
It's lovely that the veterinary community is starting to really open up to all the different ways for a life to end as it were and how to honor it.
(22:40):
I think it's lovely.
As you say it, until fairly recently it was the accepted thing that the veterinarian would take the body with them and that was heartbreaking.
A lot of people still will go that route because they haven't reached a place of a different understanding, and it's perfectly comfortable.
Karen Wylie (22:56):
And this brings up, once again, one of the benefits of planning is that you can think ahead.
Learn what your options are.
Feel into the ones that feel most like you and your family and right for your pet.
If you're not doing any planning, you'll basically be making decisions on the fly with whoever you can find quickly and not understanding your options.
(23:18):
So again it does help to plan.
So let's bring all of this together, all of our different aspects.
So we've talked about the fact that planning doesn't cause anything to happen or make it happen more quickly.
It just gives you the gift of presence, really when the moment comes.
You've thought through a lot of things and you're ready for it, and you can just be with your pet.
(23:40):
You won't be trying to think in the middle of the most emotional upset and grief that you're going to feel.
Whether you have months or days ahead, even small preparation matters.
It's never too late to start your planning because preparation will touch every part of you.
We're talking about it physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the process for your pet.
(24:03):
But each piece is really also about you and your family and that's important.
So Gail, any final thought you'd like to leave with anyone listening to our conversation today, wherever they are in their journey?
Gail Pope (24:16):
I guess I come back to that very old Gail saying, it's all about love.
It really is all about love, and it's about acceptance, togetherness, and making memories, isn't it?
Karen Wylie (24:29):
It is.
Making every moment that we have with them count.
They're so precious.
I think I will end today by quoting someone we all know and love.
So I will say, you did your best and you did it with love, and that is enough.
Gail Pope (24:43):
That's true.
Karen Wylie (24:45):
And thank you for being with us for this conversation today, and I hope you'll be with us next week too.
Bye-bye now.
Gail Pope (24:52):
Bye-bye.
Thank you for joining us on Peace of Mind for Pet Parents.
We hope today's episode has offered you support and insight as you care for your aging or ill pets.
Remember, it's not just about the end.
It's about living well at every stage of life.
To continue your journey with us, explore more resources at BrightHaven Caregiver Academy's website— BrightPathForPets.com, where you'll find guides, assessments, and a caring community of pet parents like you.
(25:28):
Until next time, may you and your pets find comfort, connection, and peace in every moment.
Take care.
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