February 24, 2026 • 23 mins
In this episode of the Personality Couch Podcast, we (licensed clinical psychologists Doc Bok and Doc Fish) unpack attachment and its relationship with avoidant personality disorder. We explore the four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, discussing how these styles manifest in adult relationships. We highlight the nuances of avoidant personality disorder, suggesting that individuals may present as avoidantly attached but have underlying anxious tendencies. We end by discussing some interesting research on adult attachment and coregulation with a partner, suggesting that attachment is fluid and can change depending on the relationship homeostasis.
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Chapters 00:00 Intro to Attachment & Attachment Styles 05:15 Secure Attachment 06:08 Anxious Attachment 09:08 Avoidant Attachment 13:09 Disorganized Attachment 14:38 Attachment in Adulthood 16:54 Avoidant Personality Disorder and Attachment Dynamics 22:22 Summary & Conclusion
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Personality Couch podcast,
where we discuss all thingspersonality and
clinical practice. I'm yourhost, Doc Bok,
and I'm here with my cohost, Doc Fish. We
are both licensed clinicalpsychologists in
private practice. And todaywe are wrapping
up our series on avoidant personality
disorder. In this episode, we'regoing to take a look
(00:22):
at avoidant personality and attachment.
Now attachment or how we relateto others can
come in many shapes andsizes. And we will
talk about the four main onesin detail, including
avoidant, anxious, secure,and disorganized.
But naming attachment dynamicsin the avoidant
personality isn't as easyas you'd think. Are
(00:43):
avoidants really avoidantlyattached? We're
about to find out. Well, let's start with
what actually is attachment.So attachment
dynamics were first studiedaround the 1950s
by Harlow and then pickedup by a guy named
Bowlby a bit later. So attachmentis a pretty
stable construct over time witha lot of research
(01:04):
supporting it as a trait.And that attachment
or the relationship witha primary caregiver
during infancy actually growsinto an adult
attachment style. Mm hmm.So common attachment
figures include parents forinfants and children
and a significant other in romanticrelationships.
To a lesser but still important extent,
(01:27):
friendships are also attachments.So attachment is basically
a cognitive or psychologicalmap that guides
behavior, especially whensomething threatens
the relationship with an importantattachment
figure. The threat can be internalor external.
So for example, an internal threat might bea fear that your significant other will
(01:48):
see your faults leading toshame and pushing
them away out of protection.An external threat
might be a child being fearfulduring a storm
that something will happento their parents.
Well, let's look at models of attachment.
So models of adult attachmentare rooted in
Ainsworth's research in 1979called the Strange
(02:11):
Situation Experiment. So outof this experiment,
there were three differentattachment styles.
They were secure, anxiousand avoidant. They
were called a little bit different names,
but that's what they were.So in the Strange
Situation Experiment, the securely
attached individuals were distressedby separation
from mom. So mom goes, they're sad. They
(02:32):
could receive comfort when shereturned. Anxiously
attached infants were distressed by
separation from mom, but theycould not be comforted
by mom when the mom returned. Then
avoidantly attached infants werenot distressed upon
separation from their mom.They didn't care.
And then they also avoided momwhen she returned.
But then we have Hazan andShaver in 1987. So
(02:56):
they were the first to applythis attachment
theory to adults. They foundroughly the same
prevalence of the three attachmentstyles in
adulthood as an infancywith a predictable
difference in the way the threekinds of adults
experience romantic love. In other words,
they found that attachmentstyle in adulthood is
(03:17):
correlated with the individual's
relationship with their parentsand family growing up,
as well as early childhood experiences. However,importantly, there is reciprocal
caregiving in adult attachmentthat is not
found in child attachment.And then I think also
notable attachment can sometimeschange in
(03:39):
romantic relationships, dependingon attachment
behaviors such as perceived support,accessibility,
responsiveness, and engagement.But in the research,
so later, they determined thatattachment was not
actually categorical, but madeup of two factors,
anxiety and avoidance in which you can be
high or low on either. So thisdimensional model
(04:03):
resulted for quadrants. So they named it
secure, dismissing/avoidant,preoccupied/anxious,
and then fearful/disorganized.So let's give
brief descriptions of each andthen we'll go into
them more in depth. So secureattachment was
characterized as having lowavoidance and low
(04:24):
anxiety, resulting in a positiveview of the
self and positive view of others.Preoccupied or
anxious attachment style iscategorized as low
avoidance and high anxiety,leading to a negative
view of the self and a positiveview of others.
Dismissing or avoidant attachmentwas conceptualized
as being high in avoidance and low in
(04:47):
anxiety, resulting in a positiveview of the self,
but a negative view of others. And then fearfulor disorganized attachment style
was actually a new additionto Ainsworth's 1979
styles. It consists of both highavoidance and high
anxiety. So then that resultsin a negative view
(05:07):
of both the self and others.But let's zoom in a
little bit to look at thesestyles more in
depth. So we'll start with secure.Securely attached
infants, they were the ones who were
distressed by separation from momand they could receive
comfort when she returned.Then in adulthood,
there's low avoidance and lowanxiety, resulting
(05:29):
in positive view of the selfand positive view of
others. So this means thatthey are confident in
themselves and in their partner'savailability
and responsiveness. Secure attachmentis related to
positive adjustment outcomes, such as
relationship quality and relationshipsatisfaction. They are
(05:49):
comfortable with intimacy and
interdependence. Securely attachedadults are more adept at
regulating their distress and regaining
emotional well-being and when neededare able to do so by
relying on their partner for comfort and
support. And then we have theanxious or preoccupied
(06:10):
attachment. So anxiously attachedinfants were
distressed by separation andthey could not be
comforted when mom returned. So they had inconsistentor mixed support and care in
childhood, which resultedin a high desire
for closeness and acceptance.Now in adulthood,
there's low avoidance andhigh anxiety, which
leads to negative view of theself and a positive
(06:32):
view of others. Right. Sofor the anxiously
attached, they come acrossas more dependent
and have a fear of abandonment.They tend to
have persistent worries abouttheir partner's
availability, commitment, support,
responsiveness, fearing rejection,especially when faced with
(06:54):
threat or in times of need.So this results
in a high sensitivity to rejectioncues. Yes.
So researched examples ofanxious attachment
behaviors are drawing attentionto their distress,
expressing heightened distress,continually
seeking closeness to theirpartner, pulls for
(07:15):
excessive closeness, comfort,and care, and
excessive demands of reassurancefrom partners
and being overly sensitiveto proximity of
attachment figures and cuesof possible threat.
Also, those with high attachment anxiety
tend to have exaggerated emotionalreactions,
(07:36):
both positive and negative, resulting in
increased feelings of distressand increased inability
to separate from psychological pain.
Correlations of anxious attachmentinclude perceiving their
partner as less responsive andhaving lower levels
of commitment, intimacy, passion,and relationship
quality, as well as higher sensitivity to
(07:58):
rejection cues and likelihoodof single and shorter
relationships. Interestingly,there are also
gender-based correlations foranxious attachment.
Are you ready for this? Yes.Okay. So anxiously
attached males report lowerrelationship quality
and tend to have lower aggression and be
less controlling, but morerebellious. However,
(08:22):
there is increased support seeking whenthey're angry, though interestingly,
anxiously attached males were found to
elicit higher levels of electrodermalreactivity,
aka sweating, in their female partners regardlessof the content being discussed.
All right. Well, anxiouslyattached females
(08:44):
and their partners reportedlower relationship
quality. Anxiously attached females and
their partners have lower relationshipquality.
Anxiously attached females tend to have
increased dependence as well ashigher self-criticism,
cortisol, and conflict and amounts of
general conflict. They're alsoless competitive.
(09:05):
All right, though. I think weneed to move to the
avoidant or the dismissive typewhere you'd think
avoidant personality wouldfit, but does it? Oh
my, we'll get there, Doc Bok.Okay, but let's talk
about what it is first. All right. So
avoidantly attached infants werenot distressed upon
(09:26):
separation from mom and avoidedmom when she
returned. So they were rejectedand or dismissed
in childhood, resulting in coreschemas or beliefs
that others cannot be trustedor relied upon. Now,
in adulthood, avoidant attachmentis obviously
high in avoidance, low in anxiety,resulting in
a positive view of the selfand negative view
(09:47):
of others. Okay, so this lookslike withdrawal
from others and fear of intimacy,discomfort
with closeness and dependency,preferring emotional
distance and self-reliance. They might
minimize distress, avert attentionaway from threats,
overly rely on the self, denythe importance of
(10:09):
intimacy, and suppress vulnerabilityand weakness.
This involves a conflictbetween a detached
attitude or suppression ofnegative emotions
and distress. Yeah, in otherwords, though,
individuals with high attachmentavoidance
suppress their needs for closenessand intimacy,
they do still desire, love,and care from their
(10:30):
partner, creating this difficult balance betweensatisfying the needs for closeness
and protecting the self fromrejection and hurt
that other people can bring.So when faced with
a threat, if a safe haven is not found in
relationships, care and supportis not a guarantee.
Further, those with high attachmentavoidance have
suppressed emotional reactions,both positive and
(10:53):
negative, resulting in higheramounts of reported
indifference compared to distress.So correlations
of avoidant attachment includelower empathy due
to distancing and less forgivenesstowards their
partner, as well as higherlevels of anger
and withdrawing, defensivenessand hostility.
(11:13):
There's also a higher likelihoodof hiding
anger and suppressing emotionalreactions.
Now, cognitively, avoidant attachment is
correlated with a higher amountof secret keeping,
an increased tendency to assign negative attributionsto neutral stimuli. Socially,
it's correlated with lower connectedness,
(11:35):
relationship quality, and generalsatisfaction,
having more discomfort withcloseness and a
lower desire to make theirpartner feel good.
They also perceive theirpartners as needy
and believe that their partnerprovides them
with lower levels of support.Interestingly,
there's also gender-basedcorrelations with
avoidant attachment. Areyou ready for this?
(11:56):
Let's go. All right. Avoidantlyattached males
and their partners have low levels of
relationship quality at a point whereavoidant attachment in
males is a strong predictorof relationship
quality, especially relationshipdissatisfaction
in the beginning and late stages of the
(12:17):
relationship. Okay. And avoidantlyattached males also tend to
have higher aggressiveness, anger, and
rebelliousness, as well as lowercooperation, accommodations,
and feelings of responsibility for the
relationship. There's also anincreased likelihood of
triangulation in children.So triangulation in
(12:38):
this context basically meanslike pulling the
child into the conflictwith the spouse or
significant other. So avoidantlyattached females
and their partners havelower relationship
quality, though they do havesatisfaction in
their relationships in initial stages.
Avoidantly attached femalesalso have lower family
(12:59):
adaptability, or basically the ability to
kind of go with the flow dueto family needs.
Oh boy. All right. Well, we have one more
category. So we have disorganizedor fearful
attachment. Sometimes it's also called
anxious avoidant attachment.So the disorganized or
fearful attachment style wasa new addition to
(13:20):
Ainsworth's 1979 styles consistingof both high
avoidance and anxiety, resultingin a negative
view of both the self and others.However, I think
this is super interesting. It'snotable that some
children were originally codedas unclassifiable
because their behaviors were not
(13:40):
consistent. So basically, disorganizedattachment is a
mixture of anxious and avoidant.Those were
the babies that did not havea coherent way of
interacting with mom duringstressful times. So
sometimes they were confused,sometimes scared,
they would exhibit both approach and
withdrawal from mom. So in adulthood,then disorganized
(14:04):
attachment consists of bothhigh avoidance and
high anxiety, resulting ina negative view of
both self and others. Soit's a combination
of anxious and avoidant attachmenttendencies.
And with this, there can bea push pull dynamic
when there's movement towardand away from their
partner, depending on the situation, they
(14:25):
experience conflicting desiresbetween one in
closeness and fearing it.So their behavior
becomes contradictory andunpredictable, hence
disorganized. Exactly. NowI want to put a few
other interesting nuggetsabout attachment in
adulthood here. Because whenit comes to couples
and attachment, attachmentcan be co-regulated.
(14:48):
So this means that attachmentstyles can influence
one another. Rosario and colleaguesin 2021 had a
great example. So they saidthat secure attachment
may be earned in later lifeif a romantic partner
provides a secure haven, or buffersthe detrimental
effects of the individual's attachmentsinsecurity.
(15:10):
It also may be lost if theromantic partner
undermines the individual'ssecure attachment.
Wow, that is really interesting. I got onefor you, Doc Fish. Okay. Interestingly,
according to research, adultschoose romantic
partners with similar attachmentsecurity levels,
(15:31):
but not necessarily the sameattachment style.
However, attachment in romanticrelationships
can fluctuate over timeas the pair are co
regulated together and sync up over time,
creating this unique dynamic or like homeostasisas a couple. So you're not just
(15:53):
stuck in an attachment,things can change.
Yeah. Good news, I guess.Okay. Now, or not.
Well, here's the bad news.Okay, so those with
high attachment anxiety tendto increase intimacy
to fulfill the need of increasedfelt security.
While those with high attachmentavoidance tend
to minimize intimacy to fulfillthe need of
(16:15):
autonomy within the relationship,essentially
creating the perfect stormwhen they became a
couple, which is not uncommon.Okay, you see this
a lot with borderline and narcissism
dynamics like those two (16:29):
narcissistic personality,
borderline personality,they like to tango
together, right? And it couldactually be a
couple different combinationstoo. So like
histrionic and schizoid dependentand antisocial
dependent and avoidant masochisticand sadistic.
Yeah, lots, lots of combinations,which is really
(16:50):
fascinating. But I stillhave this question,
Doc Fish, what about avoidantand attachment?
Like, are they avoidantly attached? Like,
wouldn't that make sense? Well,research actually shows
that a fearful or disorganizedattachment style
was more frequent among patientswith avoidant
personality disorder. It'salso been proposed
(17:12):
that avoidant personalitydisorder might have
an avoidant attachment shell,but an anxious
attachment core, making itpossible that they
might test as avoidant or dismissive, but
they're actually really anxious,which also makes sense
because Disney and colleagues 2012 noted
that avoidance have fewerdivorces. Isn't that
(17:34):
interesting? Okay, so you canhave like shells,
just like I say, personalitiesare like gobstoppers,
like what's at the core isn't necessarily
what's on the outer layers. Andwhat you're saying is
that also is the case withattachment, you can
have layers. So yeah, my questionisn't going to
be answered in a straightforwardway, is it? Is
it ever? Not with personalityand people problems.
(17:59):
So that's why we have thiswhole podcast and
talk about it. Goodness. Okay,so what is the
actual problem here? Avoidantoverlaps with two
opposite personalities, dependentswho move towards
people, and schizoids who move away from
people. So avoidants and dependenceboth struggle with
failings of inadequacy andneed for reassurance
(18:21):
and hypersensitivity to criticism.Avoidants and
schizoids overlap with social isolation,
difficulty with intimacy andintroversion. And
this is why looking at avoidantpersonality
disorder through an attachmentlens is helpful,
because there's a conflict betweenattachment and
detachment. So I think the anxiousattachment core
(18:43):
with an avoidant shell forprotection is a
great way to conceptualize attachmentand avoidant
personality disorder. Thisis fascinating. Okay,
so yeah, avoidant personalityis characterized by
an inner conflict, right? While they look
avoidant on the outside and arewithdrawn, the withdrawal
is really a reaction to anxietyon the inside,
(19:06):
which would really make themanxiously attached.
But then I can see how theopposite pieces could
lead to disorganized attachment,because there's
a push-pull or a chase-dodgedynamic with avoidant
personalities. Like, are yougetting the withdrawn
and detached flavor today?Or are you getting
the anxiety-ridden flavorin need of security,
(19:28):
because their needs are inconflict, right?
So like, which facet of themselvesthey present
can change depending on a lot of factors.
Yeah, and a big one might bewhat's going on in the
relationship or who they'rein a relationship
with. So it can look verypassive aggressive
because of this conflict.So sometimes it can
(19:50):
look like a borderline-y, sometimesschizoid-y,
sometimes dependant-y. It'sjust really hard to
understand. Yeah, and this iswhat makes avoidant
personality hard to pinpointon any attachment
continuum. Like, they couldbe anxious, detached,
or disorganized in relationships. And if thepersonality dysfunction isn't severe,
(20:13):
perhaps they can co-regulatewith a healthy
partner and actually besecurely attached.
So they're literally everywhereon the map.
Which is why we also questionwhether or not avoidant
is its own DSM category, because it does
overlap a lot with other personalities.And even the
attachment style is a mixof all types, just
(20:35):
like it's a mix of most ofthe DSM personality
categories that we have today.But speaking of
the DSM, does the DSM haveanything to say about
avoidant personality and attachment?Why, yes,
it does. So the DSM actuallysays that avoidance
are also associated withinsecure attachment
styles such as anxious or preoccupiedor disorganized
(20:58):
or fearful, which both includehigh anxiety.
So remember, they want theemotional attachment,
but they fear the closeness because othersmight reject them or hurt them,
so then they can respondwith fear, anger,
or passivity. What's alsofascinating is that
attachment itself is nota predictor of an
(21:20):
individual personality disorder,right? So
anxious attachment doesn't equal whateverpersonality disorder, for example. But
personality disorders are a breakdown in
attachment or how we relateto others as adults.
So speaking of attachment,if you find this
interesting, I'm going to pluga bit of research
I came across in reading forour next series on
(21:43):
antisocial personality. Okay,so some research
noted that antisocial personalityis a disorder
of attachment, not attachingto any primary figure,
but rather an intangiblearchetypal figure.
But then there's also otherstudies that propose
antisocial or avoidantly attachedor anxiously
(22:03):
attached. So we'll have todive deeper into that
at a later time. Yes, and we do hope that
you'll tune in for our nextseries on antisocial
personality. You voted, weheard you. So we're
diving into this dark charactertype. So with
that, don't forget to hit that bell and
subscribe so you don't miss it.All right, so today we
(22:24):
unpacked the four differentattachment styles
and discussed how avoidantpersonality disorder
doesn't fit neatly into thesecategories. And
surprise, surprise, avoidantsaren't necessarily
avoidantly attached. If you're interestedin learning more, we also have blogs,
visuals and references thatdo coincide with
each episode at www.personalitycouch.com.
(22:46):
And if you're a providerlooking to consult
about a case, or if you're inneed of psychodynamic
therapy or a deep dive psychological
evaluation, our private practicequest psych can help with
that. I'll provide a linkin the show notes
below. Be well, be kind and we'llsee you next time on
the personality couch. This podcast is forinformational purposes only and does not
(23:09):
constitute a professional relationship. Ifyou're in need of professional help,
please seek out appropriate resources in
your area. Information aboutclinical trends or
diagnoses are discussed inbroad and universal
terms and do not refer to anyspecific person or case.
Welcome to the Personality Couch podcast,
where we discuss all thingspersonality and
clinical practice. I'm yourhost, Doc Bok,
and I'm here with my cohost, Doc Fish. We
are both licensed clinicalpsychologists in
private practice. And todaywe are wrapping
up our series on avoidant personality
disorder. In this episode, we'regoing to take a look
(00:22):
at avoidant personality and attachment.
Now attachment or how we relateto others can
come in many shapes andsizes. And we will
talk about the four main onesin detail, including
avoidant, anxious, secure,and disorganized.
But naming attachment dynamicsin the avoidant
personality isn't as easyas you'd think. Are
(00:43):
avoidants really avoidantlyattached? We're
about to find out. Well, let's start with
what actually is attachment.So attachment
dynamics were first studiedaround the 1950s
by Harlow and then pickedup by a guy named
Bowlby a bit later. So attachmentis a pretty
stable construct over time witha lot of research
(01:04):
supporting it as a trait.And that attachment
or the relationship witha primary caregiver
during infancy actually growsinto an adult
attachment style. Mm hmm.So common attachment
figures include parents forinfants and children
and a significant other in romanticrelationships.
To a lesser but still important extent,
(01:27):
friendships are also attachments.So attachment is basically
a cognitive or psychologicalmap that guides
behavior, especially whensomething threatens
the relationship with an importantattachment
figure. The threat can be internalor external.
So for example, an internal threat might bea fear that your significant other will
(01:48):
see your faults leading toshame and pushing
them away out of protection.An external threat
might be a child being fearfulduring a storm
that something will happento their parents.
Well, let's look at models of attachment.
So models of adult attachmentare rooted in
Ainsworth's research in 1979called the Strange
(02:11):
Situation Experiment. So outof this experiment,
there were three differentattachment styles.
They were secure, anxiousand avoidant. They
were called a little bit different names,
but that's what they were.So in the Strange
Situation Experiment, the securely
attached individuals were distressedby separation
from mom. So mom goes, they're sad. They
(02:32):
could receive comfort when shereturned. Anxiously
attached infants were distressed by
separation from mom, but theycould not be comforted
by mom when the mom returned. Then
avoidantly attached infants werenot distressed upon
separation from their mom.They didn't care.
And then they also avoided momwhen she returned.
But then we have Hazan andShaver in 1987. So
(02:56):
they were the first to applythis attachment
theory to adults. They foundroughly the same
prevalence of the three attachmentstyles in
adulthood as an infancywith a predictable
difference in the way the threekinds of adults
experience romantic love. In other words,
they found that attachmentstyle in adulthood is
(03:17):
correlated with the individual's
relationship with their parentsand family growing up,
as well as early childhood experiences. However,importantly, there is reciprocal
caregiving in adult attachmentthat is not
found in child attachment.And then I think also
notable attachment can sometimeschange in
(03:39):
romantic relationships, dependingon attachment
behaviors such as perceived support,accessibility,
responsiveness, and engagement.But in the research,
so later, they determined thatattachment was not
actually categorical, but madeup of two factors,
anxiety and avoidance in which you can be
high or low on either. So thisdimensional model
(04:03):
resulted for quadrants. So they named it
secure, dismissing/avoidant,preoccupied/anxious,
and then fearful/disorganized.So let's give
brief descriptions of each andthen we'll go into
them more in depth. So secureattachment was
characterized as having lowavoidance and low
(04:24):
anxiety, resulting in a positiveview of the
self and positive view of others.Preoccupied or
anxious attachment style iscategorized as low
avoidance and high anxiety,leading to a negative
view of the self and a positiveview of others.
Dismissing or avoidant attachmentwas conceptualized
as being high in avoidance and low in
(04:47):
anxiety, resulting in a positiveview of the self,
but a negative view of others. And then fearfulor disorganized attachment style
was actually a new additionto Ainsworth's 1979
styles. It consists of both highavoidance and high
anxiety. So then that resultsin a negative view
(05:07):
of both the self and others.But let's zoom in a
little bit to look at thesestyles more in
depth. So we'll start with secure.Securely attached
infants, they were the ones who were
distressed by separation from momand they could receive
comfort when she returned.Then in adulthood,
there's low avoidance and lowanxiety, resulting
(05:29):
in positive view of the selfand positive view of
others. So this means thatthey are confident in
themselves and in their partner'savailability
and responsiveness. Secure attachmentis related to
positive adjustment outcomes, such as
relationship quality and relationshipsatisfaction. They are
(05:49):
comfortable with intimacy and
interdependence. Securely attachedadults are more adept at
regulating their distress and regaining
emotional well-being and when neededare able to do so by
relying on their partner for comfort and
support. And then we have theanxious or preoccupied
(06:10):
attachment. So anxiously attachedinfants were
distressed by separation andthey could not be
comforted when mom returned. So they had inconsistentor mixed support and care in
childhood, which resultedin a high desire
for closeness and acceptance.Now in adulthood,
there's low avoidance andhigh anxiety, which
leads to negative view of theself and a positive
(06:32):
view of others. Right. Sofor the anxiously
attached, they come acrossas more dependent
and have a fear of abandonment.They tend to
have persistent worries abouttheir partner's
availability, commitment, support,
responsiveness, fearing rejection,especially when faced with
(06:54):
threat or in times of need.So this results
in a high sensitivity to rejectioncues. Yes.
So researched examples ofanxious attachment
behaviors are drawing attentionto their distress,
expressing heightened distress,continually
seeking closeness to theirpartner, pulls for
(07:15):
excessive closeness, comfort,and care, and
excessive demands of reassurancefrom partners
and being overly sensitiveto proximity of
attachment figures and cuesof possible threat.
Also, those with high attachment anxiety
tend to have exaggerated emotionalreactions,
(07:36):
both positive and negative, resulting in
increased feelings of distressand increased inability
to separate from psychological pain.
Correlations of anxious attachmentinclude perceiving their
partner as less responsive andhaving lower levels
of commitment, intimacy, passion,and relationship
quality, as well as higher sensitivity to
(07:58):
rejection cues and likelihoodof single and shorter
relationships. Interestingly,there are also
gender-based correlations foranxious attachment.
Are you ready for this? Yes.Okay. So anxiously
attached males report lowerrelationship quality
and tend to have lower aggression and be
less controlling, but morerebellious. However,
(08:22):
there is increased support seeking whenthey're angry, though interestingly,
anxiously attached males were found to
elicit higher levels of electrodermalreactivity,
aka sweating, in their female partners regardlessof the content being discussed.
All right. Well, anxiouslyattached females
(08:44):
and their partners reportedlower relationship
quality. Anxiously attached females and
their partners have lower relationshipquality.
Anxiously attached females tend to have
increased dependence as well ashigher self-criticism,
cortisol, and conflict and amounts of
general conflict. They're alsoless competitive.
(09:05):
All right, though. I think weneed to move to the
avoidant or the dismissive typewhere you'd think
avoidant personality wouldfit, but does it? Oh
my, we'll get there, Doc Bok.Okay, but let's talk
about what it is first. All right. So
avoidantly attached infants werenot distressed upon
(09:26):
separation from mom and avoidedmom when she
returned. So they were rejectedand or dismissed
in childhood, resulting in coreschemas or beliefs
that others cannot be trustedor relied upon. Now,
in adulthood, avoidant attachmentis obviously
high in avoidance, low in anxiety,resulting in
a positive view of the selfand negative view
(09:47):
of others. Okay, so this lookslike withdrawal
from others and fear of intimacy,discomfort
with closeness and dependency,preferring emotional
distance and self-reliance. They might
minimize distress, avert attentionaway from threats,
overly rely on the self, denythe importance of
(10:09):
intimacy, and suppress vulnerabilityand weakness.
This involves a conflictbetween a detached
attitude or suppression ofnegative emotions
and distress. Yeah, in otherwords, though,
individuals with high attachmentavoidance
suppress their needs for closenessand intimacy,
they do still desire, love,and care from their
(10:30):
partner, creating this difficult balance betweensatisfying the needs for closeness
and protecting the self fromrejection and hurt
that other people can bring.So when faced with
a threat, if a safe haven is not found in
relationships, care and supportis not a guarantee.
Further, those with high attachmentavoidance have
suppressed emotional reactions,both positive and
(10:53):
negative, resulting in higheramounts of reported
indifference compared to distress.So correlations
of avoidant attachment includelower empathy due
to distancing and less forgivenesstowards their
partner, as well as higherlevels of anger
and withdrawing, defensivenessand hostility.
(11:13):
There's also a higher likelihoodof hiding
anger and suppressing emotionalreactions.
Now, cognitively, avoidant attachment is
correlated with a higher amountof secret keeping,
an increased tendency to assign negative attributionsto neutral stimuli. Socially,
it's correlated with lower connectedness,
(11:35):
relationship quality, and generalsatisfaction,
having more discomfort withcloseness and a
lower desire to make theirpartner feel good.
They also perceive theirpartners as needy
and believe that their partnerprovides them
with lower levels of support.Interestingly,
there's also gender-basedcorrelations with
avoidant attachment. Areyou ready for this?
(11:56):
Let's go. All right. Avoidantlyattached males
and their partners have low levels of
relationship quality at a point whereavoidant attachment in
males is a strong predictorof relationship
quality, especially relationshipdissatisfaction
in the beginning and late stages of the
(12:17):
relationship. Okay. And avoidantlyattached males also tend to
have higher aggressiveness, anger, and
rebelliousness, as well as lowercooperation, accommodations,
and feelings of responsibility for the
relationship. There's also anincreased likelihood of
triangulation in children.So triangulation in
(12:38):
this context basically meanslike pulling the
child into the conflictwith the spouse or
significant other. So avoidantlyattached females
and their partners havelower relationship
quality, though they do havesatisfaction in
their relationships in initial stages.
Avoidantly attached femalesalso have lower family
(12:59):
adaptability, or basically the ability to
kind of go with the flow dueto family needs.
Oh boy. All right. Well, we have one more
category. So we have disorganizedor fearful
attachment. Sometimes it's also called
anxious avoidant attachment.So the disorganized or
fearful attachment style wasa new addition to
(13:20):
Ainsworth's 1979 styles consistingof both high
avoidance and anxiety, resultingin a negative
view of both the self and others.However, I think
this is super interesting. It'snotable that some
children were originally codedas unclassifiable
because their behaviors were not
(13:40):
consistent. So basically, disorganizedattachment is a
mixture of anxious and avoidant.Those were
the babies that did not havea coherent way of
interacting with mom duringstressful times. So
sometimes they were confused,sometimes scared,
they would exhibit both approach and
withdrawal from mom. So in adulthood,then disorganized
(14:04):
attachment consists of bothhigh avoidance and
high anxiety, resulting ina negative view of
both self and others. Soit's a combination
of anxious and avoidant attachmenttendencies.
And with this, there can bea push pull dynamic
when there's movement towardand away from their
partner, depending on the situation, they
(14:25):
experience conflicting desiresbetween one in
closeness and fearing it.So their behavior
becomes contradictory andunpredictable, hence
disorganized. Exactly. NowI want to put a few
other interesting nuggetsabout attachment in
adulthood here. Because whenit comes to couples
and attachment, attachmentcan be co-regulated.
(14:48):
So this means that attachmentstyles can influence
one another. Rosario and colleaguesin 2021 had a
great example. So they saidthat secure attachment
may be earned in later lifeif a romantic partner
provides a secure haven, or buffersthe detrimental
effects of the individual's attachmentsinsecurity.
(15:10):
It also may be lost if theromantic partner
undermines the individual'ssecure attachment.
Wow, that is really interesting. I got onefor you, Doc Fish. Okay. Interestingly,
according to research, adultschoose romantic
partners with similar attachmentsecurity levels,
(15:31):
but not necessarily the sameattachment style.
However, attachment in romanticrelationships
can fluctuate over timeas the pair are co
regulated together and sync up over time,
creating this unique dynamic or like homeostasisas a couple. So you're not just
(15:53):
stuck in an attachment,things can change.
Yeah. Good news, I guess.Okay. Now, or not.
Well, here's the bad news.Okay, so those with
high attachment anxiety tendto increase intimacy
to fulfill the need of increasedfelt security.
While those with high attachmentavoidance tend
to minimize intimacy to fulfillthe need of
(16:15):
autonomy within the relationship,essentially
creating the perfect stormwhen they became a
couple, which is not uncommon.Okay, you see this
a lot with borderline and narcissism
dynamics like those two (16:29):
narcissistic personality,
borderline personality,they like to tango
together, right? And it couldactually be a
couple different combinationstoo. So like
histrionic and schizoid dependentand antisocial
dependent and avoidant masochisticand sadistic.
Yeah, lots, lots of combinations,which is really
(16:50):
fascinating. But I stillhave this question,
Doc Fish, what about avoidantand attachment?
Like, are they avoidantly attached? Like,
wouldn't that make sense? Well,research actually shows
that a fearful or disorganizedattachment style
was more frequent among patientswith avoidant
personality disorder. It'salso been proposed
(17:12):
that avoidant personalitydisorder might have
an avoidant attachment shell,but an anxious
attachment core, making itpossible that they
might test as avoidant or dismissive, but
they're actually really anxious,which also makes sense
because Disney and colleagues 2012 noted
that avoidance have fewerdivorces. Isn't that
(17:34):
interesting? Okay, so you canhave like shells,
just like I say, personalitiesare like gobstoppers,
like what's at the core isn't necessarily
what's on the outer layers. Andwhat you're saying is
that also is the case withattachment, you can
have layers. So yeah, my questionisn't going to
be answered in a straightforwardway, is it? Is
it ever? Not with personalityand people problems.
(17:59):
So that's why we have thiswhole podcast and
talk about it. Goodness. Okay,so what is the
actual problem here? Avoidantoverlaps with two
opposite personalities, dependentswho move towards
people, and schizoids who move away from
people. So avoidants and dependenceboth struggle with
failings of inadequacy andneed for reassurance
(18:21):
and hypersensitivity to criticism.Avoidants and
schizoids overlap with social isolation,
difficulty with intimacy andintroversion. And
this is why looking at avoidantpersonality
disorder through an attachmentlens is helpful,
because there's a conflict betweenattachment and
detachment. So I think the anxiousattachment core
(18:43):
with an avoidant shell forprotection is a
great way to conceptualize attachmentand avoidant
personality disorder. Thisis fascinating. Okay,
so yeah, avoidant personalityis characterized by
an inner conflict, right? While they look
avoidant on the outside and arewithdrawn, the withdrawal
is really a reaction to anxietyon the inside,
(19:06):
which would really make themanxiously attached.
But then I can see how theopposite pieces could
lead to disorganized attachment,because there's
a push-pull or a chase-dodgedynamic with avoidant
personalities. Like, are yougetting the withdrawn
and detached flavor today?Or are you getting
the anxiety-ridden flavorin need of security,
(19:28):
because their needs are inconflict, right?
So like, which facet of themselvesthey present
can change depending on a lot of factors.
Yeah, and a big one might bewhat's going on in the
relationship or who they'rein a relationship
with. So it can look verypassive aggressive
because of this conflict.So sometimes it can
(19:50):
look like a borderline-y, sometimesschizoid-y,
sometimes dependant-y. It'sjust really hard to
understand. Yeah, and this iswhat makes avoidant
personality hard to pinpointon any attachment
continuum. Like, they couldbe anxious, detached,
or disorganized in relationships. And if thepersonality dysfunction isn't severe,
(20:13):
perhaps they can co-regulatewith a healthy
partner and actually besecurely attached.
So they're literally everywhereon the map.
Which is why we also questionwhether or not avoidant
is its own DSM category, because it does
overlap a lot with other personalities.And even the
attachment style is a mixof all types, just
(20:35):
like it's a mix of most ofthe DSM personality
categories that we have today.But speaking of
the DSM, does the DSM haveanything to say about
avoidant personality and attachment?Why, yes,
it does. So the DSM actuallysays that avoidance
are also associated withinsecure attachment
styles such as anxious or preoccupiedor disorganized
(20:58):
or fearful, which both includehigh anxiety.
So remember, they want theemotional attachment,
but they fear the closeness because othersmight reject them or hurt them,
so then they can respondwith fear, anger,
or passivity. What's alsofascinating is that
attachment itself is nota predictor of an
(21:20):
individual personality disorder,right? So
anxious attachment doesn't equal whateverpersonality disorder, for example. But
personality disorders are a breakdown in
attachment or how we relateto others as adults.
So speaking of attachment,if you find this
interesting, I'm going to pluga bit of research
I came across in reading forour next series on
(21:43):
antisocial personality. Okay,so some research
noted that antisocial personalityis a disorder
of attachment, not attachingto any primary figure,
but rather an intangiblearchetypal figure.
But then there's also otherstudies that propose
antisocial or avoidantly attachedor anxiously
(22:03):
attached. So we'll have todive deeper into that
at a later time. Yes, and we do hope that
you'll tune in for our nextseries on antisocial
personality. You voted, weheard you. So we're
diving into this dark charactertype. So with
that, don't forget to hit that bell and
subscribe so you don't miss it.All right, so today we
(22:24):
unpacked the four differentattachment styles
and discussed how avoidantpersonality disorder
doesn't fit neatly into thesecategories. And
surprise, surprise, avoidantsaren't necessarily
avoidantly attached. If you're interestedin learning more, we also have blogs,
visuals and references thatdo coincide with
each episode at www.personalitycouch.com.
(22:46):
And if you're a providerlooking to consult
about a case, or if you're inneed of psychodynamic
therapy or a deep dive psychological
evaluation, our private practicequest psych can help with
that. I'll provide a linkin the show notes
below. Be well, be kind and we'llsee you next time on
the personality couch. This podcast is forinformational purposes only and does not
(23:09):
constitute a professional relationship. Ifyou're in need of professional help,
please seek out appropriate resources in
your area. Information aboutclinical trends or
diagnoses are discussed inbroad and universal
terms and do not refer to anyspecific person or case.
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