November 28, 2025 • 7 mins
In the latest episode of Planet Phoenix, I share my personal journey through alcoholism, detailing the emotional turmoil and shame that accompanied my former drinking habits.
I also reflect on the loneliness that I felt which ultimately lead to a confrontation with my own feelings of worthlessness. By hitting my rock bottom, I was given an opportunity in my life to choose change, transform my life and to know that it is ok to need help.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Planet Phoenix.
I'm your host, Matt, and I'm grateful that you can join me here today.
Over the last couple of months, I've been thinking about my upcoming sobriety anniversary.
In December, it'll be 13 years since I let go of my alcoholism.
Each anniversary, I take a moment to appreciate the accomplishment of another year sober.
This particular anniversary feels special, so I felt inspired to share my experience.
(00:24):
I've titled this blog post and podcast episode, 13 years of sobriety, 13 years of healing.
In the fall of 2012, I was at the lowest point of my alcoholism.
I was drinking almost every night and then drinking so heavily on the weekends that Iwould black out frequently.
After a night of this kind of drinking, I would find myself in a familiar state of panicand shame.
(00:46):
Questions would arise in my mind such as, what did I do last night?
How did I get here?
Did I use any social media or messaging while I was drunk?
Why would I say something like that?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I was in physical, mental, and emotional disarray.
I almost completely isolated myself from the world around me.
(01:06):
I found myself employing lie after lie to hide my alcoholism from those who cared aboutme.
And the more I drank, the more I felt like I was a master mental strategist able to foolthose around me.
I came to learn later in life that I was only fooling myself.
As the fall of 2012 moved into the holiday season, my drinking increased significantly andso did my blackouts.
(01:28):
I was internally reaching an emotional and mental critical mass that would eventually leadme to my rock bottom.
By Christmas time, I was a wreck.
The energetic critical mass within me began to crack open.
December 30th, 2012.
On the weekends, I would begin drinking in the early evening, and then as my falseconfidence grew, I would feel inspired to go to my local bar.
(01:51):
On this particular day, I did just that.
When I arrived, I was already intoxicated.
As I was scanning the scene at the bar, I saw a few people from my past.
My alcoholic brain wanted attention, wanted to connect with those people from my past, andbegan to make plans to do so.
I then invaded the space of the people I once knew.
They were there to celebrate a key milestone in their life and I completely disruptedtheir evening.
(02:14):
I began to try to show my worth and bought them drinks.
I tried to reconnect with them so I could reconnect with a past version of myself that Iwas longing for.
It was rough.
I can't say I remember much of that evening but eventually I made it back to my studioapartment.
December 31st, 2012.
I woke up on my couch the next morning.
Lonely, ashamed of my behavior from the night before and physically incapacitated.
(02:39):
My stomach wasn't just in knots, it had become a knot.
Intense panic washed over me.
More intense shame followed.
I couldn't move from my couch because of the shape I was in.
I believe I couldn't call for help because I didn't feel that I deserved it.
I was distraught.
As the late morning went into the afternoon, I started to bounce back physically.
All I could think of was going out to the bar for New Year's Eve and erasing the shamefulexperience of the last night from my memory.
(03:06):
This was the practice of my alcoholism that became commonplace for me so I didn't have todeal with the experiences which led to my unhealthy state of being.
By the evening I was feeling much better and preparing for another night of drinking.
My goal was to go back to the same local bar to celebrate the end of another year.
I ended up deciding to walk to the neighboring building where my mom lives so that I canwish her a happy new year.
(03:28):
As I arrived in my mom's apartment, something shifted within me.
I remember sitting on the couch, feeling desperate and afraid.
I was exhausted of the lifestyle I was living.
That's when I received what I call the push.
The push was an intuitional force that came from within me.
Its objective and message were clear.
I was being lovingly guided to let go of this burden I carried.
(03:51):
As I sat on my mom's couch, I embraced the intuitional push I was feeling and I brokedown.
I wept.
I surrendered.
I came to accept that I hit rock bottom.
I no longer wanted to be a shell of a human whose only joy came from drinking himself intoa constant state of oblivion.
My mom held the space and embraced me as I began to purge this burden from the deepestparts of my heart.
(04:13):
It's an experience of unconditional love that I will never forget.
After some time I began to calm down.
As I did, I felt something within my shame that I hadn't experienced before, relief andsafety.
By sharing my burden and receiving unconditional love and support in return, it allowed meto feel something other than shame.
It allowed me to know that hope is real.
(04:36):
The emotional and mental critical mass that I spoke of earlier had exploded into abreakthrough on a spiritual level.
The first step to this newfound breakthrough was that I didn't end up going to the bar forNew Year's Eve.
I would go back to my apartment to consciously and unconsciously begin the process ofhealing.
Going into the first day of 2013 without any alcohol in me was incredibly important.
(04:58):
I needed to start the year as fresh as possible and allow my body, mind, and soul to beginthe detoxification process.
In the coming days, I would attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Although I only went to one meeting, the message was received.
I knew that I would never touch alcohol again.
I went through some physical withdrawals.
(05:18):
I also went through some emotional withdrawal challenges, but the energy of thebreakthrough I experienced on New Year's Eve would help shepherd me through the withdrawal
experience.
The momentum of my sobriety brought in a time of rapid expansion that was like alocomotive that had no brakes.
It could not be stopped.
By late January of 2013, I bought a Jeep because I knew I wanted to and needed to explorethe world outside of Metropolitan New York.
(05:43):
By the spring of 2013, the rapid expansion of my life continued, which included starting anew job.
In parallel to receiving the gift of a new job, I felt myself being called to nature.
Specifically, I found myself called to hiking.
From 2013 through 2016, the Catskills Mountain region in New York became my home.
I was there almost every weekend.
(06:05):
There were times I would do a hike on a Saturday, drive home,
and then go back up on a Sunday to do another hike.
Hiking became the spiritual medicine I needed in order to remain sober.
It was the beginning of a journey that would help me heal deep emotional wounds and thehabits, thought patterns, as well as the belief systems that were the result of the past
traumas they were born from.
(06:25):
Over the course of the next 13 years, I would be guided to a rapid expansion of myinternal world so that I could focus on the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my
beingness.
This exploration would lead me to understand the reality of a life abundant of self-worth,self-respect, and self-love.
In this present moment, November of 2025, I look back at the 2012 version of myself withimmense love and gratitude.
(06:51):
My days of alcoholism were difficult, but they taught me that I can be more if I choose tobe, that it is safe to be vulnerable.
I believe that is why this year's anniversary has been on my mind lately.
It's serving as a reminder that I can choose who I want to be and I don't need to suffer.
A new cycle of my life is on the horizon and I'm excited to embrace it.
In the next episode of Planet Phoenix, I'm going to highlight how horses taught me thevalues of compassion, neutrality, nonverbal communication, and the power of being present.
(07:22):
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post or watch or listen to the podcastepisode.
Have a great present moment.
Welcome back to Planet Phoenix.
I'm your host, Matt, and I'm grateful that you can join me here today.
Over the last couple of months, I've been thinking about my upcoming sobriety anniversary.
In December, it'll be 13 years since I let go of my alcoholism.
Each anniversary, I take a moment to appreciate the accomplishment of another year sober.
This particular anniversary feels special, so I felt inspired to share my experience.
(00:24):
I've titled this blog post and podcast episode, 13 years of sobriety, 13 years of healing.
In the fall of 2012, I was at the lowest point of my alcoholism.
I was drinking almost every night and then drinking so heavily on the weekends that Iwould black out frequently.
After a night of this kind of drinking, I would find myself in a familiar state of panicand shame.
(00:46):
Questions would arise in my mind such as, what did I do last night?
How did I get here?
Did I use any social media or messaging while I was drunk?
Why would I say something like that?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I was in physical, mental, and emotional disarray.
I almost completely isolated myself from the world around me.
(01:06):
I found myself employing lie after lie to hide my alcoholism from those who cared aboutme.
And the more I drank, the more I felt like I was a master mental strategist able to foolthose around me.
I came to learn later in life that I was only fooling myself.
As the fall of 2012 moved into the holiday season, my drinking increased significantly andso did my blackouts.
(01:28):
I was internally reaching an emotional and mental critical mass that would eventually leadme to my rock bottom.
By Christmas time, I was a wreck.
The energetic critical mass within me began to crack open.
December 30th, 2012.
On the weekends, I would begin drinking in the early evening, and then as my falseconfidence grew, I would feel inspired to go to my local bar.
(01:51):
On this particular day, I did just that.
When I arrived, I was already intoxicated.
As I was scanning the scene at the bar, I saw a few people from my past.
My alcoholic brain wanted attention, wanted to connect with those people from my past, andbegan to make plans to do so.
I then invaded the space of the people I once knew.
They were there to celebrate a key milestone in their life and I completely disruptedtheir evening.
(02:14):
I began to try to show my worth and bought them drinks.
I tried to reconnect with them so I could reconnect with a past version of myself that Iwas longing for.
It was rough.
I can't say I remember much of that evening but eventually I made it back to my studioapartment.
December 31st, 2012.
I woke up on my couch the next morning.
Lonely, ashamed of my behavior from the night before and physically incapacitated.
(02:39):
My stomach wasn't just in knots, it had become a knot.
Intense panic washed over me.
More intense shame followed.
I couldn't move from my couch because of the shape I was in.
I believe I couldn't call for help because I didn't feel that I deserved it.
I was distraught.
As the late morning went into the afternoon, I started to bounce back physically.
All I could think of was going out to the bar for New Year's Eve and erasing the shamefulexperience of the last night from my memory.
(03:06):
This was the practice of my alcoholism that became commonplace for me so I didn't have todeal with the experiences which led to my unhealthy state of being.
By the evening I was feeling much better and preparing for another night of drinking.
My goal was to go back to the same local bar to celebrate the end of another year.
I ended up deciding to walk to the neighboring building where my mom lives so that I canwish her a happy new year.
(03:28):
As I arrived in my mom's apartment, something shifted within me.
I remember sitting on the couch, feeling desperate and afraid.
I was exhausted of the lifestyle I was living.
That's when I received what I call the push.
The push was an intuitional force that came from within me.
Its objective and message were clear.
I was being lovingly guided to let go of this burden I carried.
(03:51):
As I sat on my mom's couch, I embraced the intuitional push I was feeling and I brokedown.
I wept.
I surrendered.
I came to accept that I hit rock bottom.
I no longer wanted to be a shell of a human whose only joy came from drinking himself intoa constant state of oblivion.
My mom held the space and embraced me as I began to purge this burden from the deepestparts of my heart.
(04:13):
It's an experience of unconditional love that I will never forget.
After some time I began to calm down.
As I did, I felt something within my shame that I hadn't experienced before, relief andsafety.
By sharing my burden and receiving unconditional love and support in return, it allowed meto feel something other than shame.
It allowed me to know that hope is real.
(04:36):
The emotional and mental critical mass that I spoke of earlier had exploded into abreakthrough on a spiritual level.
The first step to this newfound breakthrough was that I didn't end up going to the bar forNew Year's Eve.
I would go back to my apartment to consciously and unconsciously begin the process ofhealing.
Going into the first day of 2013 without any alcohol in me was incredibly important.
(04:58):
I needed to start the year as fresh as possible and allow my body, mind, and soul to beginthe detoxification process.
In the coming days, I would attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Although I only went to one meeting, the message was received.
I knew that I would never touch alcohol again.
I went through some physical withdrawals.
(05:18):
I also went through some emotional withdrawal challenges, but the energy of thebreakthrough I experienced on New Year's Eve would help shepherd me through the withdrawal
experience.
The momentum of my sobriety brought in a time of rapid expansion that was like alocomotive that had no brakes.
It could not be stopped.
By late January of 2013, I bought a Jeep because I knew I wanted to and needed to explorethe world outside of Metropolitan New York.
(05:43):
By the spring of 2013, the rapid expansion of my life continued, which included starting anew job.
In parallel to receiving the gift of a new job, I felt myself being called to nature.
Specifically, I found myself called to hiking.
From 2013 through 2016, the Catskills Mountain region in New York became my home.
I was there almost every weekend.
(06:05):
There were times I would do a hike on a Saturday, drive home,
and then go back up on a Sunday to do another hike.
Hiking became the spiritual medicine I needed in order to remain sober.
It was the beginning of a journey that would help me heal deep emotional wounds and thehabits, thought patterns, as well as the belief systems that were the result of the past
traumas they were born from.
(06:25):
Over the course of the next 13 years, I would be guided to a rapid expansion of myinternal world so that I could focus on the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my
beingness.
This exploration would lead me to understand the reality of a life abundant of self-worth,self-respect, and self-love.
In this present moment, November of 2025, I look back at the 2012 version of myself withimmense love and gratitude.
(06:51):
My days of alcoholism were difficult, but they taught me that I can be more if I choose tobe, that it is safe to be vulnerable.
I believe that is why this year's anniversary has been on my mind lately.
It's serving as a reminder that I can choose who I want to be and I don't need to suffer.
A new cycle of my life is on the horizon and I'm excited to embrace it.
In the next episode of Planet Phoenix, I'm going to highlight how horses taught me thevalues of compassion, neutrality, nonverbal communication, and the power of being present.
(07:22):
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post or watch or listen to the podcastepisode.
Have a great present moment.
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