June 21, 2024 • 27 mins
Have you ever thought about how taking care of yourself and spending time with others both play huge roles in how happy and fulfilled you feel?
Life's a balancing act, especially when it comes to looking after ourselves and keeping up with our social and professional life.
In this episode, I explore the delicate balance between self-care ("the me") and interactions in both social and professional settings ("the we"), emphasizing the importance of both for personal growth and well-being.
I share personal reflections on recent challenges and insights, including how missing my routine exercises affected my mood and the energizing effects of social gatherings. I discuss the significance of managing both personal and communal relationships to maintain mental health and overall happiness.
Tune in, reflect with me, and let’s discover together how we can better connect with ourselves and the people around us to lead a more fulfilling life.
- Mark
Let’s connect:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrobertsonpcc
Email: mark@coachmark.com
Website: www.coachmark.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Wake Up and PayAttention, the podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson, your
host. With over 25 years as aprofessional coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:24):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready, it's
(00:46):
time to wake up and payattention.
Hey there, Wake Up and PayAttention listeners coming to
you with episode 14 on Tuesdayafternoon, June 18, a little bit
late in the day. Normally, Idon't record an episode this
late in the day. But I reallywanted to get my ideas and
thoughts down in the podcast andsee where that takes us. So
(01:10):
today, I'm going to come at thisa bit different than I normally
would typically my process hasdeveloped to be where I'll dump
my thoughts on an episodecontent wise and how I want to
structure it and then I'llrefine those a few times. And
then I'll record that episode.And usually it comes out pretty
nice, pretty clean.
(01:31):
Today, I want to try a littledifferent approach, I just want
to really riff come off the topof my head. I've jotted down a
few bullet points just to keepme on track because I love to
talk and may go all over theplace. But I just want to kind
of do some stream ofconsciousness today, around a
really recent realization thatI've had that I think in a way
(01:51):
ties up my learning, maybe formy lifetime. And it will make
more sense as I get into this,hopefully. But it's bringing all
this stuff together into a shortsentence. And I'll give you that
here in a minute as well.
So let me give you a littlebackground on what has happened.
So over the last probably weekand a half, you know, I've
(02:13):
noticed that my thoughts haveshifted a little bit. There's
been some uncertainty, maybe alittle negativity in there. From
time to time, my emotional statehas moved in and out shifted a
bit over the days, which is alittle bit unusual, I tend to
stay fairly peaceful and fairlyconsistent. So I just was
(02:37):
noticing, like we've talkedabout in the other episodes,
I've just been observing thatnoticing that and really not
judging that but saw there'ssomething interesting kind of
cooking.
And so last Friday night, Ihosted a poker night here with a
group of guys, we've been doingthis for over 10 years great
group of guys. And you know,honestly, earlier in the day, I
(02:57):
was thinking maybe I need to bowout of poker, got some health
stuff happening with my eye andhad a skin cancer removed
earlier in the week. So thatstuff was going on. So I was
feeling less than great. But Ialso remembered this experience
that I've had repeatedly thisyear of like, when I get
together with people, Igenerally always feel better
(03:21):
afterwards I have energy, itreally gives me energy. And let
me clarify when I say gettogether with people, it's not
just anybody. It's the peoplethat have meaningful
relationships with it. I saythey feed me and I feed them. So
they're really goodrelationships. And I keep
walking away from theseremembering "Oh, yeah, I may not
feel like it ahead of time. Butstay with it. And because you
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know, you'll feel betterafterwards." And that's
generally the case.
And so we were playing poker,having fun laughing and also
watching the UT Florida Statebaseball game, which was an
incredible game. We actuallystopped the game in the ninth
inning to watch UT come back andwin it without digress but it
was a blast. And I woke up thenext morning on Saturday, and I
went and did my normal 8am yogaclass. I do yoga basics on
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Saturday morning, phenomenalclass, led by a master yoga
teacher Gillian St. Claire. Ifyou're in Nashville, you gotta
go to one of her classes. And soduring the class, I was noticing
the uptick in my energy andafter the class, I always feel
better after the class and notto mention body wise, I'm
stretched and my body feels alot better. But just mood wise
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emotionally. It's a great moodmanagement tool, if you will.
One of the realizations I hadthough, during and after was,
Oh, I know why. Part of the weekhas gone the way it has is
because I didn't do my normalTuesday and Thursday morning
workouts with my trainer. But inother words because I missed my
(04:50):
exercise, my workouts my typicalhabit of exercising that took a
toll on my mood. Makes sense,right? We all know that that,
those of us that exercise, whenwe miss our routine several
times that we take a dip a lotof times. And so I was reminded
yet again of the value of thatwhich quite honestly, I laugh
because three and a half yearsago when I started with this
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trainer, he told me one dayyou're gonna learn to love this.
And I laughed and said, "No way,man, I'm never gonna love this"
because I really didn't spendmuch of my life growing up
working out and lifting weights,I was much more of a team sports
guy. Fact quite honestly, Idon't I can't really stand or
couldn't stand working out. Sowhen he said, You're gonna love
it, I was like, There's no waythat's happening. Lo and behold,
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here we are three and a halfyears later, and I wouldn't say
that I love it yet. Butcertainly, I'm remembering now
the importance of it in my dayto day and weekly life,
actually, it's become a habitI'm committed to, I know how
valuable it is. So I wasreminded of that.
And you know, I was driving, Ileft yoga, and I went to get
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some breakfast like I often dobefore coming home, and I was in
the Chick fil A parking lot. AndI easily order on their app and
go pick it up. And I decided toreach out to one of my best
buddies here in Nashville,Richard, to have a conversation.
And I was wanting to have aconversation about that
realization of like, how much wemay move in and out of pessimism
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and skepticism, negative moodsand optimism and ambition,
enthusiasm, what we often wouldcall positive moods, in today's
world, and wanted to explorethat a bit with him because I
was thinking in the world today,in especially in this I should
say in this country. That's theexperience I know is the
American culture. That's a lotof stuff going on that I'm
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concerned about. There's a lotof negativity there moods, I
think, that have settled in forus as a country that are not
allowing us to take the actions,we may want to take indoor
driving some habits that I thinkaren't good for us.
So I was thinking of Richard,because I've known Richard a
long time. And he seems to mefrom the outside to be able to
sustain a really positive moodover the long haul. So I kind of
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wanted to check in with him andwas just wondering, Hey, does
the culture we live in everconcern you get you down and
stuff like that. But one of theother things I've been doing
more lately is just reaching outmore to people and trying not to
spend too much time alone bymyself in my condo or alone with
my dog have a fantastic dog,Nelly, by the way. Well, I'm
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sure I'll talk about her at somepoint in future episodes, but
she's amazing. But I can tend tobe alone, maybe more than I
should and not get out andconnect with others be in
relationship with others getfed, as I said, So I reached out
to Richard and we're having thisfantastic conversation and he
you know, validated Yeah, I feelthat way about our culture, I
(07:44):
have concerns. And here's what Ido around that in the
conversation like they often do,they go where you can't really
plan is really a greatconversation.
And all of a sudden, I had therealization that kind of came
together that I'm sharing withyou today, which is I called it
this, I came to this language,"the me and the we", I think to
(08:05):
live a really healthy life herein the American culture. And I'm
wondering if it isn't in anyculture, overall, to be a
healthy, thriving person withhigh well being, we have to
strike a balance or have a goodmixture of "the me and the we".
And so you know, I want to talkabout that. What does that mean
(08:27):
when I talked about "the me andthe we", because I was listening
to Richard and he was talkingabout some of his habits of
connecting to people andconstantly he's often in
conversation with others I know.And he's our connector. He's our
social connector. He organizes alot of our events and really is
the creator of a lot of the "we"that this group of guys that are
(08:48):
my best friends that he's thecreator of a lot of the "we"
opportunities in our lives, theopportunities to get together
and share stories and laugh andhave fun and all that stuff.
And so again, I think thebalance is getting enough "we"
that you need and also enough"me" that you need in a way that
keeps you thriving and keeps youhealthy. So originally I was
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thinking my podcast, Wake Up andPay Attention to this point has
had a big focus on the me reallyasked you to take a more
powerful look at yourself, theidea that everything starts with
you. All of that I think isaccurate and maybe true with a
little t. I often will say in mycoaching in my classes, and I've
said it on the podcast, right?You're with you 24/7 As far as I
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know, you're the only personthat you're with 24/7 every day
and maybe if you have aspiritual relationship maybe
you're with that. Maybe let'scall it higher power, the divine
essence 24/7 as well. Stillcurious about that one but but
definitely yourself. You'realways with you. So I think a
lot of my focus in the podcasthas been on obviously taking
(09:56):
more powerful look at yourself.Noticing what you notice
language, emotion and body,seeing what's working, seeing
what's not working, and thenfiguring out if you want to take
on growth or learning, what doesthat mean? And how do you create
that for you, for the me, right.
But also noticing that's not allthere is that this other really
(10:20):
important aspect I think ofbeing a human being is that
we're social beings, humanbeings are social beings. And so
the we is also critical for Ithink anybody whether you're an
introvert or an extrovert, Ithink just the amount of the we
will vary depending on which youor where you are on that
spectrum. But there has to be,you know, the taking care of the
(10:42):
me and also the taking care ofthe we. And so that it just came
together in a way for me in andafter that conversation with
Richard that was reallypowerful, like, oh, that's what
I've been up too, much of mylife as I'm trying to be healthy
and be the best human being thatI can be and have this
experience while I'm on theplanet that I enjoy. It's about
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noticing both and giving myselfwhat I need of both of those in
the moment. And so what do Imean by that, it's pretty
obvious what I mean, now, by theme, too, what we've been talking
about a lot in this podcast, butyou also know in the podcast,
where I've talked aboutrelationships, and the
relationship dance. And a lot ofthese tools are to help you be
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more effective in yourcommunication with whom, the we,
both yourself, but also the weother human beings that you do
life with.
And then, you know, so much ofthis is just about relationships
with others. And being effectivein those relationships and
knowing how to dance well withothers. Again, it comes back to,
I'm gonna say this over and overagain, today, the me and the we.
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And so you get a sense of theme. And so what I mean is like
that, "you" time that you haveto spend self care, let's call
it and building all the habitsthat help you be healthy. And
then also looking atrelationships with others. So
that could be you and yourindividual relationship with one
other person could be the groupyou're a part of, it could be
the organization, you're a partof any place you invest your
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time and energy with other humanbeings is the "we". And so
that's what I wanted to throwout at you today to start
considering and thinking aboutthese tools and ideas apply to
both.
And I began to then think aboutmy own history in my own life.
And so some light bulbs startedgoing off, you know that in one
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of the earlier episodes, I'vetalked about my relationship
with my father being a reallydefining relationship in my
life, and he's no longer withus. He passed in 2017. And I
don't know if I said it in apodcast, I'll say it now if I
haven't. My relationship withhim actually continues to
improve over time, even afterhe's gone, which may sound
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bizarre or weird to you. Butphysically, he's gone. But my
relationship has shifted inmainly in this way, in the way
that I think about him. And theway that I have remember our
experience together, I used tobe so wrapped up in and totally
negative with him. And in thisyear, more and more instances
have come up to me that I hadn'tthought of and so long about,
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oh, yeah, I remember this funmoment. You know, when we were
driving to baseball practice,because my dad used to be my
coach every year for baseball.And I remember those moments
that were really nice moments.And I remember some of our
moments, watching and talkingabout University of Tennessee
Sports. I remember several yearswhere I had season tickets to
football games, and he and Iwent, we'd have a blast. You
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know, there were obviously someirritations, but we'd have a
great time. Some of it was justmaking fun of other people in
our section 40 cheering on theballs or being upset at the Vols
and then also golf, we played alot of golf together. And so
those were those moments, andI'm remembering with much more
fondness, that relationship.
But what I'll say is a littlemore detail maybe about what I
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mentioned, growing up with him,he was challenging for me as he
always in my view, he had to beright. And he and I saw the
world very differently. And Irealized that more and more as I
got older. And so I had theexperience of often being made
wrong by him, which as you canimagine, made it really hard to
communicate with him to be opento be vulnerable, all that
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stuff, which most guys and backthen most dads and sons didn't
really do anyway. Right? But Butwhat it led to was me moving
into a place of just beingafraid of him. I was resentful
at him, as I've mentioned beforeand had to forgive him and my
mom in order to move throughthat but more so I think with
him, I was afraid of them. Thepredominant experience I had of
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him was when I was old enough toremember with walking on
eggshells around him. I justneeded to be careful of what was
coming next. And the habit thatI had built in to deal with that
to keep myself safe. Essentiallya lot of fear. So to keep myself
safe was go to my room. And so Ithink I began to spend a lot of
time in my room and a lot oftime in my own head thinking a
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lot. And it was wasn't a lot ofgood thinking it was probably a
lot of thinking that feargenerates and negative stuff and
wishing that things weredifferent, right?
Has that really told we'retalking about, I developed a
strong habit, focusing on the mein the me in the we. So much. So
this is interesting that laterwhen I tested Am I an introvert
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or an extrovert, I was reallysurprised to find out that I'm
pretty heavy on the extrovertscale. So I would say that I
became a learned introvert,really entrenched myself in that
habit of spending time alone,and built a lot of habits around
keeping myself safe andprotecting myself. It life in
general. But it was embedded ineverything, not making mistakes,
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not saying the wrong thing, inmy relationships with friends,
not really opening up fully andrevealing myself and letting
them know who I was, in myrelationships, my intimate
relationships with women,protecting myself self in a lot
of ways. So a habit that, youknow, I've been working through
for a number of years, decades,really, because I want to have
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strong connected relationshipswith my friends, male and
female. And I have a phenomenalset of relationships these days,
I will tell you, they'refantastic.
And also, just thinking aboutfocusing a lot of habits that I
built that strengthened orentrench me in the "me", you
know, and so, I was thinkingabout this idea of regarding the
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me and the we, I've had too muchme in my life. So I've had an
abundance of the me and notenough of the we. But through my
life, that's where I was goingthrough my life, I've had a
desire, and I didn't know it formore relationship for more
connection with other humanbeings for more of the we. And
so it's been a lot of my journeyhas been unlearning some of
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those deeply entrenched habitsfor the me, and learning how to
have connection, the we and sostriking that healthy balance or
mixture that I'm introducing toyou or talking to you about
today, again, hopefully thismakes sense to you. And it's
resonating, but it's like Ithink it's a plant of the me and
we and you get to choose was ita 60/40 blend a 70/30. Whatever
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it is that works for you rockon. Or maybe it's 70, we 30 me
that the idea that I came to islike, oh, it's there's a area of
thinking called polarities thatmy old business partner,
Chalmers brothers introduced meto a number of years ago.
So polarities talks about whenyou go to way over to one side
So I have that thought about andmany other thoughts began to
with one and you dismiss theother, that's not healthy. So if
come behind that. Oh, yeah,that's this. And that's that,
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you think about it, for peoplethat have a lot of the me get a
like the introvert and extrovertpiece that I talked about. I'll
lot of me time build habits thatare all about the me, they
probably have a deficit in thewe. And that's not healthy, to
say a little bit more aboutthat. Now human beings are
also go the other way, maybe thepeople that have way too much we
and have a deficit in the me. Sosinging about that, who are
social beings. I think evenintroverts need time with other
those folks like the folks thatyou know have to be around
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people. Typically, it's justthey do better with one on one
others all the time, or thecannot be by themselves, the me,
or very small groups of people,not the larger groups. They're
because it's so uncomfortable tosit in the me where they have to
be dating somebody all the time,because they don't know how to
not big fans of like publicpresentations or parties,
be by themselves or only be inrelationship with the me. So I
think if you get too much of oneand not enough of the other,
because that's more extrovertterritory. But both need the we
you're out of balance, if youwant to call it that the blend
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isn't healthy for you. It'sagain, striking that balance of
just had the thought about COVIDdrove us all back home. And so
each of those.
again, the experience was mixedfor introverts that might have
been, I don't know, maybe it wasgood or bad. I don't know. COVID
may have been challengingbecause it pushed us over too
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much of the "me" and not enoughof the "we" or at least the we
became with family members. Andif the relationships weren't
great at that time, it probablymade us uncomfortable. We had to
work through stuff. So again, Ithink it shows up this idea of
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the me and the we shows upeverywhere. And maybe all I'm
saying is another way to saystuff that's been out there
forever, the yin and the yang,the mix of the feminine and the
masculine. more fitting for meis constantly the notion of we
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are all a drop in the ocean andwe're part of the ocean. So the
drop is the individual meunderstanding that but then also
understanding that I'm a part ofthis larger ocean thing.
It's even in a way I thinkrelated Quantum physics when
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they say you're both theparticle and the wave, which is
you know, again, this isparodoxical maybe thinking. But
I think there's so many examplesof which in which this applies.
So where do I else do I want togo with this idea of kind of
laid it out there? Hopefully itgets you thinking about that and
how that resonates for you. Andhopefully, I don't know, if I
finished the stuff around myfather, so let me get back to
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that. I think my relationshipwith him forced me heavily into
the me. Yeah, I think I did. Somy journey, since I left home
has been about learning how tonot have to protect myself in
the way. So yeah, I think I'vecovered enough of that.
So the last part that I justwant to say is this word that's
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really been present for me a lotin the last week and a half or
so. And it probably points moreto the Wii, but the word is
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connection. It's been verypresent for me the last month or
If you think about politicallyhow polarized we are, now,
that's nothing but separation.It's a vast separation as a
result of very different pointsof view. And both sides really
two, the importance ofconnection. And I think,
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dug in that their view is theright view, and the other side's
the wrong view. I'm expressingmy opinion now. And it's
creating massive separation andnot connection. I think there's
a yearning in our culture, eventhough we might not know it or
honestly, I think, at least whenI come together in relationship
might not say it to reallyconnect with one another. Like,
that's all that needs to happenin most moments is to connect.
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But I don't know that we havethe conversational tools and the
self awareness, and the habitsto actually create that really
strong connection with eachother, I think we're headed in
with other human beings, mydesire is to connect with them.
the other direction. And thatcreates suffering. And that's
really what this podcast isabout. And what my life as a
coach is about is to try toeliminate as much of the
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unnecessary suffering aspossible. Think some suffering
is just a must living on theplanet. But I think there's way
And I think in our culture,we've built a lot of practices
too much of it that's going onout there. That's unnecessary suffering.
So I throw out the idea ofconnection want you to think
about that? Maybe Are yougetting enough connection in
your life? And I don't thinkthat has to be exclusively the
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"we" you think about it. Maybewhat I've been saying all along
that take us the other directionthat actually don't allow us to
is the most important place tobegin connection is with
yourself. Are you connected toyour own experience, your own
thoughts, your own emotionalstate, your body, the three
circles, language, emotion andbody. So I think connection
lives in both of those, andmaybe across both of those.
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That's connection. And again,that's just something that's
connect with other human beingsin the way we want. And we could
been really up for me of late isjust remembering how important
connection is for me. And forme, it's really connection with
others right now. And keepingthat alive and present and
really just doing more of that.Whether it be with my clients,
friend, whoever, justremembering sometimes when I
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get into the whole social mediatechnology impact on that you
don't feel like doing thatthing, it's oh yeah, the purpose
of the value of this for me isin the connection not even so
much the thing we might be doingtogether.
So that's it, just some thinkingto share with you a little
riffing on this Tuesdayafternoon, June 18. If you asked
me to follow the same script asI normally do with summarizing
think in many ways, it's anartificial connection, it may be
(24:01):
things What would I say? I guessI would say "the me and the we"
it's really if you want to havea healthy thriving if you don't
have a healthy lifestyle or ahealthy thriving life find your
right blend or mixture of the meand the we take a look now at
a little bit of connection, butnot the same, I think, is the
how you're doing it and perhapsnotice some things you haven't
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noticed and on the positive sidereally recognized and perhaps
have gratitude for how wellyou're doing it in one or both
of those areas. Be grateful forthe we that you have the
relationships you have or and orbe grateful for the relationship
connection of human to humanwhen we're in each other's
you have with yourself or both.Right?
So "the me and the we" thatblend of self care and
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individual taking care of andthen the relationships in your
life. And then at just thinkwe're built biologically, to
presence. But I think so many ofthe habits and the practices
connect with one another humanbeings are social beings. And so
taking a harder look here in2024 it all the ways in which we
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find ourselves disconnecting ormoving away from one another,
I've noticed in our culture, theway we try to communicate with
out on the public scene in ourown lives, social media,
politics, any discourseconversations that are happening
seems like there's a whole lotof disconnection. Not sure how
much connection there is, ormaybe the observer I am, it's
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just been living in this otherplace for so long, I haven't
been seeing it. And maybe I'llstart seeing more of it now that
each other, and the time weinteract with each other, create
I've had some of theserealizations, and really begin
to appreciate how many peopleare really out there connecting
a lot or attempting to createconnection. And maybe there's
more there that I need to begrateful for.
So as we close, like we alwaysdo, what's the homework? Maybe
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disconnection, create separation.
that's what I just asked you todo is maybe just a reflection
exercise, maybe the homework isthis just reflect on your own
life? Thinking about the me?What's my me? What are the
habits or practices I have inthat area? Are they working or
not working? And then how much"we" do I have? What are the
habits or practices I have in myday to day life that create the
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"we"? Are they working or notworking? And so you could maybe
use the idea of connection togauge working or not working? To
I feel like I'm really gettinggood connection there? Or is, Am
I going the other way on mydisconnecting? Or am I not
getting the connection I'mlooking for.
So that's it. Whenever youlisten to this, have a great
rest of your day whenever thathappens to be. And I look
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forward to talking to you infuture episodes, I will say
this, there's a few morefoundational pieces I want to
give you particularly around twomore speech acts, promises or
commitments, and requests. So Iwant to talk with you about the
whole idea. I call it capacitymanagement started time
management, really powerfultopic. We'll get to that in the
future. And then we'll get tomaking good asks and knowing how
(26:56):
to ask for help and beingvulnerable. We'll get to those
as well. But I just wanted totake this opportunity today to
speak more from my recentexperience in my own life, and
share some ideas with you that Ihope are relevant. So be well,
take good care of yourself. AndI look forward to continuing our
conversation with each othersoon.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
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join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking. dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well, be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake up and pay
(27:41):
attention.
Welcome to Wake Up and PayAttention, the podcast fueling
(00:03):
positive change from the insideout. I'm Mark Robertson, your
host. With over 25 years as aprofessional coach, I'm thrilled
to explore the personal growthtools that have helped me and
hundreds of people just like youdesign and awaken to their best
life. If you've ever feltoverwhelmed and unfulfilled,
like you're just going throughthe motions day after day, maybe
(00:24):
you're afraid one day all theballs are going to drop, you're
in the right place. Together,let's expand our self awareness
and make sustainable shifts thatimprove our communication
skills, relationships, andoverall well being. This is a
judgment free zone whereopenness, understanding and
support rule. So grab yourheadphones and get ready, it's
(00:46):
time to wake up and payattention.
Hey there, Wake Up and PayAttention listeners coming to
you with episode 14 on Tuesdayafternoon, June 18, a little bit
late in the day. Normally, Idon't record an episode this
late in the day. But I reallywanted to get my ideas and
thoughts down in the podcast andsee where that takes us. So
(01:10):
today, I'm going to come at thisa bit different than I normally
would typically my process hasdeveloped to be where I'll dump
my thoughts on an episodecontent wise and how I want to
structure it and then I'llrefine those a few times. And
then I'll record that episode.And usually it comes out pretty
nice, pretty clean.
(01:31):
Today, I want to try a littledifferent approach, I just want
to really riff come off the topof my head. I've jotted down a
few bullet points just to keepme on track because I love to
talk and may go all over theplace. But I just want to kind
of do some stream ofconsciousness today, around a
really recent realization thatI've had that I think in a way
(01:51):
ties up my learning, maybe formy lifetime. And it will make
more sense as I get into this,hopefully. But it's bringing all
this stuff together into a shortsentence. And I'll give you that
here in a minute as well.
So let me give you a littlebackground on what has happened.
So over the last probably weekand a half, you know, I've
(02:13):
noticed that my thoughts haveshifted a little bit. There's
been some uncertainty, maybe alittle negativity in there. From
time to time, my emotional statehas moved in and out shifted a
bit over the days, which is alittle bit unusual, I tend to
stay fairly peaceful and fairlyconsistent. So I just was
(02:37):
noticing, like we've talkedabout in the other episodes,
I've just been observing thatnoticing that and really not
judging that but saw there'ssomething interesting kind of
cooking.
And so last Friday night, Ihosted a poker night here with a
group of guys, we've been doingthis for over 10 years great
group of guys. And you know,honestly, earlier in the day, I
(02:57):
was thinking maybe I need to bowout of poker, got some health
stuff happening with my eye andhad a skin cancer removed
earlier in the week. So thatstuff was going on. So I was
feeling less than great. But Ialso remembered this experience
that I've had repeatedly thisyear of like, when I get
together with people, Igenerally always feel better
(03:21):
afterwards I have energy, itreally gives me energy. And let
me clarify when I say gettogether with people, it's not
just anybody. It's the peoplethat have meaningful
relationships with it. I saythey feed me and I feed them. So
they're really goodrelationships. And I keep
walking away from theseremembering "Oh, yeah, I may not
feel like it ahead of time. Butstay with it. And because you
(03:42):
know, you'll feel betterafterwards." And that's
generally the case.
And so we were playing poker,having fun laughing and also
watching the UT Florida Statebaseball game, which was an
incredible game. We actuallystopped the game in the ninth
inning to watch UT come back andwin it without digress but it
was a blast. And I woke up thenext morning on Saturday, and I
went and did my normal 8am yogaclass. I do yoga basics on
(04:07):
Saturday morning, phenomenalclass, led by a master yoga
teacher Gillian St. Claire. Ifyou're in Nashville, you gotta
go to one of her classes. And soduring the class, I was noticing
the uptick in my energy andafter the class, I always feel
better after the class and notto mention body wise, I'm
stretched and my body feels alot better. But just mood wise
(04:30):
emotionally. It's a great moodmanagement tool, if you will.
One of the realizations I hadthough, during and after was,
Oh, I know why. Part of the weekhas gone the way it has is
because I didn't do my normalTuesday and Thursday morning
workouts with my trainer. But inother words because I missed my
(04:50):
exercise, my workouts my typicalhabit of exercising that took a
toll on my mood. Makes sense,right? We all know that that,
those of us that exercise, whenwe miss our routine several
times that we take a dip a lotof times. And so I was reminded
yet again of the value of thatwhich quite honestly, I laugh
because three and a half yearsago when I started with this
(05:13):
trainer, he told me one dayyou're gonna learn to love this.
And I laughed and said, "No way,man, I'm never gonna love this"
because I really didn't spendmuch of my life growing up
working out and lifting weights,I was much more of a team sports
guy. Fact quite honestly, Idon't I can't really stand or
couldn't stand working out. Sowhen he said, You're gonna love
it, I was like, There's no waythat's happening. Lo and behold,
(05:34):
here we are three and a halfyears later, and I wouldn't say
that I love it yet. Butcertainly, I'm remembering now
the importance of it in my dayto day and weekly life,
actually, it's become a habitI'm committed to, I know how
valuable it is. So I wasreminded of that.
And you know, I was driving, Ileft yoga, and I went to get
(05:56):
some breakfast like I often dobefore coming home, and I was in
the Chick fil A parking lot. AndI easily order on their app and
go pick it up. And I decided toreach out to one of my best
buddies here in Nashville,Richard, to have a conversation.
And I was wanting to have aconversation about that
realization of like, how much wemay move in and out of pessimism
(06:18):
and skepticism, negative moodsand optimism and ambition,
enthusiasm, what we often wouldcall positive moods, in today's
world, and wanted to explorethat a bit with him because I
was thinking in the world today,in especially in this I should
say in this country. That's theexperience I know is the
American culture. That's a lotof stuff going on that I'm
(06:39):
concerned about. There's a lotof negativity there moods, I
think, that have settled in forus as a country that are not
allowing us to take the actions,we may want to take indoor
driving some habits that I thinkaren't good for us.
So I was thinking of Richard,because I've known Richard a
long time. And he seems to mefrom the outside to be able to
sustain a really positive moodover the long haul. So I kind of
(07:02):
wanted to check in with him andwas just wondering, Hey, does
the culture we live in everconcern you get you down and
stuff like that. But one of theother things I've been doing
more lately is just reaching outmore to people and trying not to
spend too much time alone bymyself in my condo or alone with
my dog have a fantastic dog,Nelly, by the way. Well, I'm
(07:24):
sure I'll talk about her at somepoint in future episodes, but
she's amazing. But I can tend tobe alone, maybe more than I
should and not get out andconnect with others be in
relationship with others getfed, as I said, So I reached out
to Richard and we're having thisfantastic conversation and he
you know, validated Yeah, I feelthat way about our culture, I
(07:44):
have concerns. And here's what Ido around that in the
conversation like they often do,they go where you can't really
plan is really a greatconversation.
And all of a sudden, I had therealization that kind of came
together that I'm sharing withyou today, which is I called it
this, I came to this language,"the me and the we", I think to
(08:05):
live a really healthy life herein the American culture. And I'm
wondering if it isn't in anyculture, overall, to be a
healthy, thriving person withhigh well being, we have to
strike a balance or have a goodmixture of "the me and the we".
And so you know, I want to talkabout that. What does that mean
(08:27):
when I talked about "the me andthe we", because I was listening
to Richard and he was talkingabout some of his habits of
connecting to people andconstantly he's often in
conversation with others I know.And he's our connector. He's our
social connector. He organizes alot of our events and really is
the creator of a lot of the "we"that this group of guys that are
(08:48):
my best friends that he's thecreator of a lot of the "we"
opportunities in our lives, theopportunities to get together
and share stories and laugh andhave fun and all that stuff.
And so again, I think thebalance is getting enough "we"
that you need and also enough"me" that you need in a way that
keeps you thriving and keeps youhealthy. So originally I was
(09:10):
thinking my podcast, Wake Up andPay Attention to this point has
had a big focus on the me reallyasked you to take a more
powerful look at yourself, theidea that everything starts with
you. All of that I think isaccurate and maybe true with a
little t. I often will say in mycoaching in my classes, and I've
said it on the podcast, right?You're with you 24/7 As far as I
(09:33):
know, you're the only personthat you're with 24/7 every day
and maybe if you have aspiritual relationship maybe
you're with that. Maybe let'scall it higher power, the divine
essence 24/7 as well. Stillcurious about that one but but
definitely yourself. You'realways with you. So I think a
lot of my focus in the podcasthas been on obviously taking
(09:56):
more powerful look at yourself.Noticing what you notice
language, emotion and body,seeing what's working, seeing
what's not working, and thenfiguring out if you want to take
on growth or learning, what doesthat mean? And how do you create
that for you, for the me, right.
But also noticing that's not allthere is that this other really
(10:20):
important aspect I think ofbeing a human being is that
we're social beings, humanbeings are social beings. And so
the we is also critical for Ithink anybody whether you're an
introvert or an extrovert, Ithink just the amount of the we
will vary depending on which youor where you are on that
spectrum. But there has to be,you know, the taking care of the
(10:42):
me and also the taking care ofthe we. And so that it just came
together in a way for me in andafter that conversation with
Richard that was reallypowerful, like, oh, that's what
I've been up too, much of mylife as I'm trying to be healthy
and be the best human being thatI can be and have this
experience while I'm on theplanet that I enjoy. It's about
(11:06):
noticing both and giving myselfwhat I need of both of those in
the moment. And so what do Imean by that, it's pretty
obvious what I mean, now, by theme, too, what we've been talking
about a lot in this podcast, butyou also know in the podcast,
where I've talked aboutrelationships, and the
relationship dance. And a lot ofthese tools are to help you be
(11:27):
more effective in yourcommunication with whom, the we,
both yourself, but also the weother human beings that you do
life with.
And then, you know, so much ofthis is just about relationships
with others. And being effectivein those relationships and
knowing how to dance well withothers. Again, it comes back to,
I'm gonna say this over and overagain, today, the me and the we.
(11:50):
And so you get a sense of theme. And so what I mean is like
that, "you" time that you haveto spend self care, let's call
it and building all the habitsthat help you be healthy. And
then also looking atrelationships with others. So
that could be you and yourindividual relationship with one
other person could be the groupyou're a part of, it could be
the organization, you're a partof any place you invest your
(12:13):
time and energy with other humanbeings is the "we". And so
that's what I wanted to throwout at you today to start
considering and thinking aboutthese tools and ideas apply to
both.
And I began to then think aboutmy own history in my own life.
And so some light bulbs startedgoing off, you know that in one
(12:35):
of the earlier episodes, I'vetalked about my relationship
with my father being a reallydefining relationship in my
life, and he's no longer withus. He passed in 2017. And I
don't know if I said it in apodcast, I'll say it now if I
haven't. My relationship withhim actually continues to
improve over time, even afterhe's gone, which may sound
(12:56):
bizarre or weird to you. Butphysically, he's gone. But my
relationship has shifted inmainly in this way, in the way
that I think about him. And theway that I have remember our
experience together, I used tobe so wrapped up in and totally
negative with him. And in thisyear, more and more instances
have come up to me that I hadn'tthought of and so long about,
(13:18):
oh, yeah, I remember this funmoment. You know, when we were
driving to baseball practice,because my dad used to be my
coach every year for baseball.And I remember those moments
that were really nice moments.And I remember some of our
moments, watching and talkingabout University of Tennessee
Sports. I remember several yearswhere I had season tickets to
football games, and he and Iwent, we'd have a blast. You
(13:40):
know, there were obviously someirritations, but we'd have a
great time. Some of it was justmaking fun of other people in
our section 40 cheering on theballs or being upset at the Vols
and then also golf, we played alot of golf together. And so
those were those moments, andI'm remembering with much more
fondness, that relationship.
But what I'll say is a littlemore detail maybe about what I
(14:03):
mentioned, growing up with him,he was challenging for me as he
always in my view, he had to beright. And he and I saw the
world very differently. And Irealized that more and more as I
got older. And so I had theexperience of often being made
wrong by him, which as you canimagine, made it really hard to
communicate with him to be opento be vulnerable, all that
(14:24):
stuff, which most guys and backthen most dads and sons didn't
really do anyway. Right? But Butwhat it led to was me moving
into a place of just beingafraid of him. I was resentful
at him, as I've mentioned beforeand had to forgive him and my
mom in order to move throughthat but more so I think with
him, I was afraid of them. Thepredominant experience I had of
(14:47):
him was when I was old enough toremember with walking on
eggshells around him. I justneeded to be careful of what was
coming next. And the habit thatI had built in to deal with that
to keep myself safe. Essentiallya lot of fear. So to keep myself
safe was go to my room. And so Ithink I began to spend a lot of
time in my room and a lot oftime in my own head thinking a
(15:10):
lot. And it was wasn't a lot ofgood thinking it was probably a
lot of thinking that feargenerates and negative stuff and
wishing that things weredifferent, right?
Has that really told we'retalking about, I developed a
strong habit, focusing on the mein the me in the we. So much. So
this is interesting that laterwhen I tested Am I an introvert
(15:31):
or an extrovert, I was reallysurprised to find out that I'm
pretty heavy on the extrovertscale. So I would say that I
became a learned introvert,really entrenched myself in that
habit of spending time alone,and built a lot of habits around
keeping myself safe andprotecting myself. It life in
general. But it was embedded ineverything, not making mistakes,
(15:55):
not saying the wrong thing, inmy relationships with friends,
not really opening up fully andrevealing myself and letting
them know who I was, in myrelationships, my intimate
relationships with women,protecting myself self in a lot
of ways. So a habit that, youknow, I've been working through
for a number of years, decades,really, because I want to have
(16:17):
strong connected relationshipswith my friends, male and
female. And I have a phenomenalset of relationships these days,
I will tell you, they'refantastic.
And also, just thinking aboutfocusing a lot of habits that I
built that strengthened orentrench me in the "me", you
know, and so, I was thinkingabout this idea of regarding the
(16:40):
me and the we, I've had too muchme in my life. So I've had an
abundance of the me and notenough of the we. But through my
life, that's where I was goingthrough my life, I've had a
desire, and I didn't know it formore relationship for more
connection with other humanbeings for more of the we. And
so it's been a lot of my journeyhas been unlearning some of
(17:00):
those deeply entrenched habitsfor the me, and learning how to
have connection, the we and sostriking that healthy balance or
mixture that I'm introducing toyou or talking to you about
today, again, hopefully thismakes sense to you. And it's
resonating, but it's like Ithink it's a plant of the me and
we and you get to choose was ita 60/40 blend a 70/30. Whatever
(17:23):
it is that works for you rockon. Or maybe it's 70, we 30 me
that the idea that I came to islike, oh, it's there's a area of
thinking called polarities thatmy old business partner,
Chalmers brothers introduced meto a number of years ago.
So polarities talks about whenyou go to way over to one side
So I have that thought about andmany other thoughts began to
with one and you dismiss theother, that's not healthy. So if
come behind that. Oh, yeah,that's this. And that's that,
(17:45):
you think about it, for peoplethat have a lot of the me get a
like the introvert and extrovertpiece that I talked about. I'll
lot of me time build habits thatare all about the me, they
probably have a deficit in thewe. And that's not healthy, to
say a little bit more aboutthat. Now human beings are
also go the other way, maybe thepeople that have way too much we
and have a deficit in the me. Sosinging about that, who are
social beings. I think evenintroverts need time with other
those folks like the folks thatyou know have to be around
(18:06):
people. Typically, it's justthey do better with one on one
others all the time, or thecannot be by themselves, the me,
or very small groups of people,not the larger groups. They're
because it's so uncomfortable tosit in the me where they have to
be dating somebody all the time,because they don't know how to
not big fans of like publicpresentations or parties,
be by themselves or only be inrelationship with the me. So I
think if you get too much of oneand not enough of the other,
because that's more extrovertterritory. But both need the we
you're out of balance, if youwant to call it that the blend
(18:28):
isn't healthy for you. It'sagain, striking that balance of
just had the thought about COVIDdrove us all back home. And so
each of those.
again, the experience was mixedfor introverts that might have
been, I don't know, maybe it wasgood or bad. I don't know. COVID
may have been challengingbecause it pushed us over too
(18:53):
much of the "me" and not enoughof the "we" or at least the we
became with family members. Andif the relationships weren't
great at that time, it probablymade us uncomfortable. We had to
work through stuff. So again, Ithink it shows up this idea of
(19:17):
the me and the we shows upeverywhere. And maybe all I'm
saying is another way to saystuff that's been out there
forever, the yin and the yang,the mix of the feminine and the
masculine. more fitting for meis constantly the notion of we
(19:40):
are all a drop in the ocean andwe're part of the ocean. So the
drop is the individual meunderstanding that but then also
understanding that I'm a part ofthis larger ocean thing.
It's even in a way I thinkrelated Quantum physics when
(20:01):
they say you're both theparticle and the wave, which is
you know, again, this isparodoxical maybe thinking. But
I think there's so many examplesof which in which this applies.
So where do I else do I want togo with this idea of kind of
laid it out there? Hopefully itgets you thinking about that and
how that resonates for you. Andhopefully, I don't know, if I
finished the stuff around myfather, so let me get back to
(20:23):
that. I think my relationshipwith him forced me heavily into
the me. Yeah, I think I did. Somy journey, since I left home
has been about learning how tonot have to protect myself in
the way. So yeah, I think I'vecovered enough of that.
So the last part that I justwant to say is this word that's
(20:56):
really been present for me a lotin the last week and a half or
so. And it probably points moreto the Wii, but the word is
(21:33):
connection. It's been verypresent for me the last month or
If you think about politicallyhow polarized we are, now,
that's nothing but separation.It's a vast separation as a
result of very different pointsof view. And both sides really
two, the importance ofconnection. And I think,
(21:53):
dug in that their view is theright view, and the other side's
the wrong view. I'm expressingmy opinion now. And it's
creating massive separation andnot connection. I think there's
a yearning in our culture, eventhough we might not know it or
honestly, I think, at least whenI come together in relationship
might not say it to reallyconnect with one another. Like,
that's all that needs to happenin most moments is to connect.
(22:15):
But I don't know that we havethe conversational tools and the
self awareness, and the habitsto actually create that really
strong connection with eachother, I think we're headed in
with other human beings, mydesire is to connect with them.
the other direction. And thatcreates suffering. And that's
really what this podcast isabout. And what my life as a
coach is about is to try toeliminate as much of the
(22:36):
unnecessary suffering aspossible. Think some suffering
is just a must living on theplanet. But I think there's way
And I think in our culture,we've built a lot of practices
too much of it that's going onout there. That's unnecessary suffering.
So I throw out the idea ofconnection want you to think
about that? Maybe Are yougetting enough connection in
your life? And I don't thinkthat has to be exclusively the
(22:58):
"we" you think about it. Maybewhat I've been saying all along
that take us the other directionthat actually don't allow us to
is the most important place tobegin connection is with
yourself. Are you connected toyour own experience, your own
thoughts, your own emotionalstate, your body, the three
circles, language, emotion andbody. So I think connection
lives in both of those, andmaybe across both of those.
(23:20):
That's connection. And again,that's just something that's
connect with other human beingsin the way we want. And we could
been really up for me of late isjust remembering how important
connection is for me. And forme, it's really connection with
others right now. And keepingthat alive and present and
really just doing more of that.Whether it be with my clients,
friend, whoever, justremembering sometimes when I
(23:40):
get into the whole social mediatechnology impact on that you
don't feel like doing thatthing, it's oh yeah, the purpose
of the value of this for me isin the connection not even so
much the thing we might be doingtogether.
So that's it, just some thinkingto share with you a little
riffing on this Tuesdayafternoon, June 18. If you asked
me to follow the same script asI normally do with summarizing
think in many ways, it's anartificial connection, it may be
(24:01):
things What would I say? I guessI would say "the me and the we"
it's really if you want to havea healthy thriving if you don't
have a healthy lifestyle or ahealthy thriving life find your
right blend or mixture of the meand the we take a look now at
a little bit of connection, butnot the same, I think, is the
how you're doing it and perhapsnotice some things you haven't
(24:22):
noticed and on the positive sidereally recognized and perhaps
have gratitude for how wellyou're doing it in one or both
of those areas. Be grateful forthe we that you have the
relationships you have or and orbe grateful for the relationship
connection of human to humanwhen we're in each other's
you have with yourself or both.Right?
So "the me and the we" thatblend of self care and
(24:45):
individual taking care of andthen the relationships in your
life. And then at just thinkwe're built biologically, to
presence. But I think so many ofthe habits and the practices
connect with one another humanbeings are social beings. And so
taking a harder look here in2024 it all the ways in which we
(25:05):
find ourselves disconnecting ormoving away from one another,
I've noticed in our culture, theway we try to communicate with
out on the public scene in ourown lives, social media,
politics, any discourseconversations that are happening
seems like there's a whole lotof disconnection. Not sure how
much connection there is, ormaybe the observer I am, it's
(25:26):
just been living in this otherplace for so long, I haven't
been seeing it. And maybe I'llstart seeing more of it now that
each other, and the time weinteract with each other, create
I've had some of theserealizations, and really begin
to appreciate how many peopleare really out there connecting
a lot or attempting to createconnection. And maybe there's
more there that I need to begrateful for.
So as we close, like we alwaysdo, what's the homework? Maybe
(25:48):
disconnection, create separation.
that's what I just asked you todo is maybe just a reflection
exercise, maybe the homework isthis just reflect on your own
life? Thinking about the me?What's my me? What are the
habits or practices I have inthat area? Are they working or
not working? And then how much"we" do I have? What are the
habits or practices I have in myday to day life that create the
(26:10):
"we"? Are they working or notworking? And so you could maybe
use the idea of connection togauge working or not working? To
I feel like I'm really gettinggood connection there? Or is, Am
I going the other way on mydisconnecting? Or am I not
getting the connection I'mlooking for.
So that's it. Whenever youlisten to this, have a great
rest of your day whenever thathappens to be. And I look
(26:33):
forward to talking to you infuture episodes, I will say
this, there's a few morefoundational pieces I want to
give you particularly around twomore speech acts, promises or
commitments, and requests. So Iwant to talk with you about the
whole idea. I call it capacitymanagement started time
management, really powerfultopic. We'll get to that in the
future. And then we'll get tomaking good asks and knowing how
(26:56):
to ask for help and beingvulnerable. We'll get to those
as well. But I just wanted totake this opportunity today to
speak more from my recentexperience in my own life, and
share some ideas with you that Ihope are relevant. So be well,
take good care of yourself. AndI look forward to continuing our
conversation with each othersoon.
Well, my friends, that's a wrapfor today. I'm so grateful you
(27:18):
join me and hope you feelenergized by the insights we
took a deeper look at together.If anything resonated with you
or inspired new thinking. dropme a note. I'd love to hear your
biggest takeaway. Please join menext time as we dive deeper into
this never ending journey ofself discovery. Until then, be
well, be present, live fully andauthentically. Wake up and pay
(27:41):
attention.
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