Shy #12 | 4th Street Live

Episode 12 – Shy | From Struggle to Self-MadeShy grew up in Carson City and Gardnerville, navigating chaos from an early age. By 13, she was already deep into addiction, arrests, and cycles of survival that nearly took everything from her. In this episode, she opens up about her raw past—addiction, abuse, and hitting rock bottom—and how she fought her way back to build a new life.

Today, Shy is a successful hairstylist and business owner in Midtown Reno, turning her pain into purpose. She talks about finding her voice, rebuilding motherhood, creating a safe space for her clients, and the freedom that comes with living authentically. Her story is one of resilience, second chances, and redefining what it means to thrive.

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Fourth Street Live is hosted by Jacob Green, a Reno-based author, musician, biker, and storyteller, bringing raw conversations about recovery, motorcycles, and local culture.

Episode Transcript

(00:11):
What's up everybody, September 27th is St.
Vibes in Reno, NV and I don't know about you guys but I miss
the way it used to be in downtown Reno, bikes lining the
streets. It was an event and people would
come out while we're trying to bring that back with the baddest
little bike show at Revision Brewery.
Come out September 27th at Revision.

(00:32):
We've got to FXR Bagger Club style Bee Gloss Chopper, metric
cars, vendors, trophies, giveaways, surprise guests and
more. There is nowhere else to be on
Saturday. St. vibes.
Then Revision Brewing for the baddest little bike show.
Come check it out. There's only one place in town I

(00:52):
take my Harley-Davidson motorcycle too and that is Slab
Sides Motorcycle Shop on Glendale Ave. in Reno.
If you're looking for a tune up,customizing your motorcycle
bars, exhaust, they've got everything you need and one of
the best hourly rates in town. For any of your motorcycle
repair stuff, go check out Slab Size Motorcycle shop.
This is Jacob, the host of the 4th St.

(01:14):
Live podcast in my new book, TheRail Runner, inspired by my life
on the railroad and being a railroad contractor is now for
sale on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
Please go check out my new storyif you're looking to escape
reality for a few hours. It's a great read.
Support a local Reno author. Thanks so much.
Yeah, let's do that. Yeah.

(01:34):
What's your business? It's the hair.
Yeah, I do hair. And what is it your spot?
Yeah, it's, well, it's the building isn't mine, but the
business inside of it is. Oh, right, right, like a swan.
Suite kind of thing, yeah. It's like suite, yeah.
Where's that at? It's Midtown.
Fuck. Yeah.
Yeah. So it's by.
Do you know where Two Chicks is?Center St.
Bibo Coffee. Yeah, It's in this old historic

(01:56):
house right across the street called Tuscany Salon.
And my room's like right in the center of the house, Yeah. 718
Southcenter St. Southcenter.
Oh, that's that's cool. It's every girl that gets sober
becomes a hairdresser, a nail tech or an esthetician or a
nurse dude, you know what I mean.

(02:16):
So, well, actually, you're not wrong.
The craziest is it the hairdresser?
I don't know it is. It's got to be the nurses.
Why chromosome is the answer. There's just a level.
No, that's cool. That's cool.
And we talked about that on one of the episodes was like, people

(02:37):
are so much more likely to startbusinesses once they get sober
because we have so much more time in our hands, and we find
out we're mad resourceful and wecan do all this shit.
Yeah, You know what? I mean, and I'm like a I'm a
cash in hand person like I want to get paid that day.
Gotcha. Like I don't, I can't.
What I've learned. That's what got you into this
mess. Dude, yeah, yeah, like I, I was

(02:58):
so used to like selling and having the money and everything
that I wanted right on hand sameday that like, you know, I, I
got sober and I, I would have jobs, like all retail jobs,
right. Yeah, three months at a time.
Yeah, that's it. Where'd you go to school?
I went to school at Pioneer Alternative High and I dropped
out in my first month. Fuck.

(03:19):
Yeah, that's cool. Whatever.
Where were you supposed to go? I was supposed to go to Douglas
High. I got expelled from not Washoe
Douglas County School district. Got you.
So you're a Carson City kid. Gotcha.
Yeah, gotcha. And then I was a Gardnerville
kid, and then I was back to Carson City.
Yeah. And it just kind of like stopped

(03:39):
there, yeah. Yeah, I don't know, their kids
in Carson were partying at a different level when I was a
kid, you know what I mean? Yeah, because they're they.
Because at least there was shit to do here.
They're so bored, they're mad bored.
They don't have anything to do. They were like, that was like
the first time I like had a dudelike pull out a gravity bong in
front of me. I'm like, you're like, what are

(03:59):
you fucking doing dude? Smoke weed.
Give me. The fucking joint, huh?
God. Damn, yeah, no, we're make it a
mission, dude. We're.
Haywired Yeah. I'll tell you a story later
about what I used a bong for. It was crazy.
Tell me dude, I want to know. So this is one of my, I wouldn't
say it like I'm proud of it, butit's funny.
So when I was, I was living at the Frontier Motel when I was
18. It was probably like 6 months

(04:20):
before I got arrested and I would go over to the glass
Shack, which is a smoke shop over by Woody's Casino on Carson
St. And I fucking bought this, this
dab rig for my bong and I took it home and I was like, dude,
this is like a clean rig. I can like drop some dope on it.

(04:41):
Yeah. So I was like or or some meth.
It already looks like it is for smoking.
Drugs, It's just made for that, right?
So I took my fucking bong and I put the bucket on it and I took
a rock like this big and I heated it up and I dropped the
whole thing on it and I'm like standing on this like ghetto ass
table right in the hotel room and I'm like, you guys watch

(05:02):
this. I did that and I was vibrating
on like a six dimension frequency.
I was dope sick. For three days too different
dimension. Yeah, never again did I do it.
That was crazy. So I I got sober in 22,014 and
smoking weed was the hardest thing for me to stop doing of

(05:23):
everything. How crazy is that?
But smoking weed was hard for meto stop and it was like the
muscle memory, it was like all this shit.
You know what? I mean like the ritual.
The ritual, dude, you know, And then I remember right as I was
getting sober, that's when vape pens were coming out.
I'm like, fuck, I didn't, I didn't get to try that shit.
But then and then I seen one of those rigs, those dab rigs, I'm

(05:44):
sure they were out. I just never seen one.
It was like a year into sobrietyand I seen somebody pull out one
of those fucking things just to smoke a bowl.
And I was like, that's fucking ridiculous.
That's exquisite. That looks like crap.
Yeah, you're like, you're looking at it and you're like,
is that a fucking quag? You know, like, what is this?
Yeah, like you're you're. Getting fucked up on that thing,
whatever you're doing. Yeah, yeah.
No, I I was, I was definitely envious of that was like, of all

(06:08):
the things I was envious of, like vape pens.
Yeah. And fucking never getting to try
one of those. This is discreet.
I mean, I hadn't even heard about vape pens until after I
got sober and it's just so discreet.
And I was like. That's what I liked.
Yeah, dude, yeah. And it was so.
Nice. Yeah, it was and it and it got
legalized. I was like, man, this is this is
bullshit. Yeah, for sure.

(06:29):
I. Want to smoke weed freely, you
know? How long?
So how long were you sober when you became a?
When you started your own business?
Yeah, yeah. So my first job when I was sober
was a Sally's Beauty Supply. And I was like, dude, I love
this. Like, and I was giving people
advice that I knew nothing about, right.
But like, you know, I went through the whole like, scene

(06:51):
emo phase when I was a kid and dyed my hair all sorts of crazy
colors with like the splat box dye.
I don't recommend it, but yeah, so I, I was like, OK.
And I got this idea in my head, I want to do hair.
And I I didn't get there until 2020.
I was working warehouse jobs andretail jobs and then I was
working out at Tesla at PPG doing like the powder coating

(07:13):
and stuff for the battery tubes.You were, yeah.
Cool. Yeah.
And then I got laid off because COVID hit and they didn't need
the employees. And then I was like, well, I
guess they'll just sign up and go to school, right?
And and you know, Jack, he was like, yeah, I mean, he was
making. It was crazy.
It's crazy how expensive it is now but he's making 20 bucks an
hour. Our rent was under $1000 and

(07:34):
it's. Crazy to think how that was not
that. Long ago, Yeah.
Go to school. Yeah, yeah, we got it.
Yeah, go to school, it's all good.
And he like he paved my way. And then of course I had a job
working nights because I was like, I can't, I can't just go
to school. Like I have to work, I have to
provide. And even though like my job's
only lasted 3 months at a time, I was always working.
Yeah. So it was just like, OK, this

(07:55):
place is done, let me go to the next retail place.
My last job, my last on paper job doing retail was at Lowe's,
and I got fired for yelling at acustomer over the pain counter.
And I was like, all right, I'll take that as a sign.
And yeah. And then I just finished school.
Yeah. Went on to Barber school.
So I did cosmetology school, went on to Barber school, and
then worked for the same companythat I was going to school for

(08:19):
and then got an educator's license, worked at a franchise,
and then worked my way into owning my own business.
That's fucking dope. So it was all just like Doo Doo
Doo. And I've I've done that
consistently for so I'm doing hair if you want to include the
school time for five or six years now.
Yeah, but you own your own spot.That's really cool.
Yeah. And I'm, I'm fully self-employed
now. I don't have like a second job

(08:40):
to keep me afloat while I build the business.
Yeah, I got fired from six businesses in sobriety.
And I was like, damn, am I doingsomething wrong here?
You know what I mean? Because I kept getting fucking
fired. I was sober.
Yeah. I was like, I was like, I don't
know what I'm doing wrong. And then I kind of realized,
like, I, you realize, like you, yeah, shit kind of happens for a
reason. Yeah.

(09:01):
It all makes sense in retrospect.
But yeah, and I'm unemployable like in a in a general.
Sense. Yeah, I can't.
Like if I want to wear sweatpants to work, I wear
sweatpants to work. If I want to take a day off, I
take a day off, which doesn't happen a whole lot.
Cuz I'll what I'll do is like I'll have days scheduled off and
I'll actually fill them. Yeah Cuz like it's, it's the

(09:22):
hustle. If you want to make money, you
work. Yeah, yeah, like you have to do
something like I can't, yeah. I'm not meant to be like, yeah,
I'm not trying to just like findshort ways to make money.
But I also love my job. Yeah.
I love my job. So like when I'm at work, it
doesn't feel like I'm working cuz I get to I guess like feed

(09:42):
the community. People can sit in my chair and
it's like immediate just like, oh, this is what's going on.
And I've been able to show up for people, whether it's like a
free haircut, helping someone get a job or like they, they
come in and immediately start crying or they're sharing their
funny stories or I've got peoplegoing through divorce or they've
lost a child. Like people come in with some

(10:03):
heavy shit. Yeah, yeah, You're like a
therapist. Yeah.
People in that field like tattooartists and.
Yeah, they just come in and they're like, and and I don't,
it's something about the chair. Like they sit down and they're
just like, dude, this is what's going on in my life, you know?
And so do like, yeah. So to to be able to be there,
right. And it's a safe space, like

(10:24):
everybody knows, like what what is said here stays here.
I don't, I'm not here for the gossip.
I'm here to help. Yeah.
Because it feels good. It just feels good to help
people. No, I totally, I totally get
what you're saying. That's why I don't get in the
chair. I just keep my hair long so I
don't have to deal with my real problems.
You know what I'm saying? Avoidance.
Kidding, avoidance is healthy. No, I'm just kidding.
No, I totally get what you're saying.

(10:45):
And that is the chair. Like I definitely, every time I
sit down in any kind of chair like that tattoo artist,
whatever, it's like, damn, they know more about what's going on
in my life than anything. You better not ever burn them,
but who better? Person to give advice on things
like that than somebody who knows exactly what that looks
like. Yeah, yeah.
And, and like for my age, the life experience that I have at

(11:10):
my age is what I know is, and I say this, I'm not saying it to
be cocky or even to school or anything, but like, it's a lot.
Yeah, I went through a fucking lot and it's.
Because you are from Nevada. Yes, I believe it's in my heart.
Yeah. Like if you were in Wyoming,
yeah, you wouldn't have got sober that at the age you think.
I feel like in my heart, I really do.

(11:31):
Because just for every when everybody, when you when we're
going to talk about your story, I think it'll be clear.
You know what I mean? It's this place and it's
beautiful, but it's also fucking.
It's a treacherous motherfucker.It's, it doesn't look like it,
but it's hardcore. There's some messed up stuff
happening to like all sorts of people.

(11:52):
You don't even know it. It's crazy.
So you something I related to you is you were using young, I
started at Thirstein as well andyou talked about that.
Can we touch on that? I'd like to I'd like to Share
your story. Yeah, yeah.
So. How it all started.
Yeah, so, you know, my my mom, she's probably going to hear

(12:12):
this, but like, she was more my friend, right?
And I'll preface it with this like, I love my mom.
She did the best that she could with what she had and the kind
of person that she was, right. And I know that she loved me.
She was always there. I'm sorry.
And she was my friend, right? So like, a lot of the stuff that
I got to do was because I was mean, I was a bully.

(12:37):
And I pushed her and I pushed her and I pushed her.
And then she would just bend. And like, you know, it started
with dating a guy that was olderthan me.
So I was 13. I was dating an 18 year old.
Yeah, and this is like right around the time, you know, I
went to West Hills for trying tocommit suicide when I was 12.
And then by the time I was 13, Iassaulted my principal at CBMS,
Carson Valley Middle School, andI got expelled from Douglas

(12:59):
County School District. And OK, I.
Shout out Douglas County School District.
Sorry, I'm really sorry. And yeah, so like, I couldn't, I
couldn't go to normal school, right?
And I remember I went to this party with my 18 year old
boyfriend and I took my first drink and I was like, this is

(13:21):
sick, dude. I think it was like a Jager
Jager mom, right? I like, I don't, you guys might
cringe, but I love Jager. I think it tastes great.
And then in the same night I tried opiates because I was
like, well, if this feels that good, like that's got to feel
great. And I don't really know if it
was like to quiet the chaos in my head or, or to well, I did.

(13:42):
I did. I think it was just to, to fit
in, right? Because like, I was not, I was
dorky. I had a gap in my teeth.
I was tall. I was a weird kid.
I was always made fun of, right?And so I, I went to this place
where like, they didn't care howold I was.
And they were like, yeah, dude, join us, right?
And this is like the misery loves company thing where
they're like, have some. And the next thing you know, I'm

(14:04):
like constantly getting inebriated.
And then I remember my mom had gotten us an apartment behind
the high school in Douglas County.
And, and the boxes for people who know Douglas County, this
the smokers corner is called theboxes.
It's behind the school. And I live right there.
And then I started having peoplecome over and it was like, yeah,
you can do your drugs in my house, but like, I want some.

(14:27):
And that was, I think that was like my first experience with
like, like a hustle, right? It's like, OK, you know, like
this is how people they're like,yeah, shy.
Your hella cool. And it was because I had
something they wanted. My mom was at home and I
remember like one time she comeshome and I was in my room with a
guy, another guy way too old forme.
And he's got like this bat bag of like the shittiest weed I've

(14:48):
ever seen. But it was weed, right?
And she just like opened the door and she's like, you need to
get out. And 10 minutes later I came back
and everything was fine, you know, And so it was just like, I
think my mom was just like, thisis my daughter.
I don't want her to be mad at me.
Like I want her to love me. And I know that feeling now that
I have kids, you know, like, I don't, I don't ever want my kids

(15:08):
to, like, hate me. I know now from, like, the way
that I grew up that there are still things that I'm not going
to, like, sit back on with my kids.
But yeah, I mean, it kind of just spiraled from there.
By the time I was 15, I'd met another guy at that apartment
complex, and I was pregnant withthis kid.
He was 23 years old. And like, my mom quit her job,

(15:29):
moved us across the country to Mississippi, where age of
consent was 15. And we got married.
Yeah, we got married and my mom,my mom stayed out there.
She lives in Arkansas now with the rest of my family.
But after the baby was born, my oldest, we moved to Vegas and it
was on and poppin dude, like relationship got bad.

(15:50):
We were both extremely abusive. I was an instigator.
I remember the first time I usedthe glass pipe was in his dad's
garage with my older sister-in-law.
And we were just sitting there. Don't tend to to like it was no
big deal. And I remember like I was like,
I didn't feel that like I want more when really like I felt a

(16:11):
little bit of it and I was like,oh, I need that.
And then before I knew it, I waslike ditching the baby at Pops's
house to go down the street to these two guys house that I knew
had coke and I was selling myself for it at the age of 16
years old, 16 years old. And I'm like sleeping with two
grown ass men for drugs because like, I just want to get high,

(16:34):
you know, and like my husband, he's working and, and, and you
know, my ex-husband, he's he's agood guy.
He just hasn't gotten so yet, right.
But he was doing his best. And we were both just sick.
Dude, we were so sick. And eventually, I think it was
April of 2017, I called my sister-in-law that lived here at

(16:55):
Gardnerville. She brought me back to
Gardnerville and and my daughterand and that was when I decided,
OK, I'm probably going to split up with my ex-husband.
And but then it was like, OK, cool.
Like I have my kid now that I can leave here and go seek out
other things. And then, you know, Fast

(17:15):
forward, I think like four or five months later, the
ex-husband comes back to town. He show, he shows me a connect
and I'm showing up to the connects house every 20 minutes
for a sack. And he's like, dude, you can't,
you can't keep coming here like that.
Just take this and bring me backX amount of dollars and I'll re
up you and then like boom. You're selling to get high.
I was selling to get high and then and then I met a guy that

(17:38):
had black and then I met a guy that had coke, right?
And it was just like dude. And then and then if I didn't
have money, I'm a cute girl. I can just sit on the side of a
nice guy and steal a shit, you know, it was just, it was
whatever I could do to stay highon anything I could do.
And it just like it spiraled andspiraled and spiraled and then I

(17:58):
got arrested. I sold to a cop out the window
the frontier most hell. It's shut down now, but.
Is that the one in Carson? Yeah, yeah, that's.
I was just telling John that it's.
I know that one dude. It's it's shut down, but I was,
I had so much traffic. I was so stupid.
I was young, right? And I?
Don't know why I went there is when I in my disease but I'm
sure it had something to do withdrugs but I know.

(18:20):
Something right and and I'm likethis freaking 18 year old kid
and dude, it was trash. Like I had these things that I
got at the Grocery Outlet that were, you know, those like cheap
ass bamboo mats. Yeah, I tweaked out one day and
I stapled them all over the hotel bathroom.
Got it. And I was like, this is sick
It's like a Hut, right? Like just weird shit, right For.

(18:40):
Sure, it's just weird. Shit, I was just out of my
freaking mind. I had this red.
I I had gone into just complete.I disconnected from reality,
right? And I thought this little red
composition notebook I had was like from the Illuminati.
And it was like writing to me and telling me like that I was
one of them. I mean, I was just in full
psychosis. And then I was selling out the

(19:01):
back window of the frontier on Curry St. and I sold to a cop.
Yeah, I sold it. I was 18.
They followed me for two weeks and then they arrested me at the
end of W 9. I was just getting some
McDonald's and going to hit attend to two.
And they, they surrounded me outof nowhere.
I was, yeah, I was, I was 18. I was in this like purple tie

(19:25):
dye sun dress. And my nickname was Pebbles.
People called me Pebbles. There was this guy that was up
at the Seagull Suites here that I sold to.
And the first time I walked intohis hotel room, he called me
Pebbles because I used to put myhair up in this bun are.
You talking about, Oh, Seagull suites?
Yeah. Yeah, Seagull Suites.
And so he started calling me Pebbles and I was like, yeah,
I'm Pebbles, right? It's in my REST report as my
alias. But yeah, I, I was selling and I

(19:48):
was running amok and then all ofa sudden, like I, I only ever
carried half a gram on me when Iwas in a vehicle and I was
pulling to the end of West Nigh after getting a drink from
McDonald's. And I was going to smoke a bowl.
And the next thing I know there's like cars everywhere.
Put your hands on the on the roof like you're under arrest.
And I remember, but yeah, I didn't know anything about the

(20:11):
law, right? It was my first encounter with
with the police or charges or anything like that.
And I'm like trying to reach over with with one hand on the
roof of the vehicle and I'm likeclose the glove box so they
don't see what's in there. And they brought a dog.
You know, I got arrested and then and then I was in jail.
I had 9 felonies, you know, trafficking, trafficking across

(20:31):
state borders, possession of GHB, amphetamines,
paraphernalia, you know, all thefun stuff.
They didn't get me for driving without a license though, which
was cool. That is cool.
That was really cool. I, I skated by that one.
You're right. That is a cool thing.
I was like, yeah, yeah. I mean, it made life easier when
I got sober. But yeah, I got put in, I got

(20:52):
put in drug court and you know, my daughter, she had been taken
back to Vegas and like, you know, as as a, as a parent, that
and I had my child. And I'll say I'm, I'm not
embarrassed by it anymore because I'm a good mom.
But like I would set my daughter's crib by the window of
the room where I was sleeping because I thought if I opened it

(21:15):
then like all the meth smoke would just, and, and this, the
pills that I was smoking, she would just go over her and like
out the window. And I would like smoke in the
closet and, and I just like lefther behind.
Dude, I, I wanted nothing to do with being a mom.
I. Understand.
Yeah, like I I was completely disconnected.
I didn't. And like, come coming back from

(21:36):
that in the last seven years andbringing her home has been hard.
You know, like she came home andI was like, I don't even know if
I want this right 'cause like, Iwas a young kid.
You're a child. I was a child having a child,
you know, married to an adult and doing and, and, and in my

(21:57):
heart, I believe that I love that man and I believe that we
were going to stay together forever.
But I didn't understand any of it, right?
I believed it, but I didn't understand it.
And yeah, like, so just to like,I think about that all the time,
just like leaving my kid behind.And now today I'm like, I could
never, I can never do that, you know, like that's my heart and

(22:18):
soul and, and and my youngest too, like couldn't even fathom
it. And it's, it's taken a long time
to like rebuild that motherhood in sobriety, you know, to be
like, OK, I do want this. I do want to be a parent and
yeah like. Yeah, it's hard to love
something when you don't love yourself.
Right, dude. Yeah, yeah.
And, and like I fought, I have fought and fought for a

(22:39):
connection with my oldest. And like, I mean, I was so numb
when I had her. But you know, my second, my
second child, like I think she, she was meant to come to me
because like she kind of like rekindled that motherhood in me
because I had her sober. And I was like, OK, this is what
this is. Because like when I had my my
oldest, it was like, what do I do?

(23:01):
I can get high again. That's like, that was my first
thought. I can get high again.
I can do whatever I want. Yeah.
So, you know, like I I get soberand then I bring my daughter
home. I send her off to my
grandparents for the first year.My grandparents, I love the shit
out of them, right. Like they, they really raised
me, you know, like my mom was myfriend and my grandparents
raised me and taught me right from wrong.

(23:23):
And I think that's why I avoidedthem so much when I was like
drinking and using. Oh.
Man, I love that. Yeah, you didn't want to.
Yeah, You didn't want. You knew it was wrong.
Yeah. It's like that's like my
relationship with with everything.
Yeah. It's like I don't want to be
around the people that are goingto hold me accountable.
And tell me I'm absolutely not. That totally sucks out.
And they cared. They cared so much.
And I remember I went to jail, and I, like, I was on the phone

(23:48):
with my grandparents, and I was so mean to them.
Like, why won't you bail me out?You're trash.
You're leaving me behind. You're abandoning me.
And they've never done that. Yeah.
Like, the moment I called my grandma crying, like, I don't
know if I can take care of this kid.
She was on a plane in three daysto pick her up.
Took her for a year and a half. Yeah.
So I get my shit together. And, like, And then she texted

(24:10):
me. She was like, hey, it's time.
And I shit a brick. Like, right then and there.
I was like, oh, my God. You know, like, I don't think
I'm ready for this. I have to figure out how to,
like, feed her, how to shop for her, how to sign her up for
daycare. Where do you even start with
that? Like, I didn't know anything.
Yeah. You had to grow up.
I had to grow up, yeah. Way too young to have to be
grown up and I understand. Yeah, it was heavy.
It was a lot. And so, you know, like the

(24:32):
things that I've, I've seen, thethings that I've had to do, the
experiences that I've and I dude, I have not done a hard
time. I did like 3 weeks total.
So did you beat the charges? I did.
So they put me in a diversion court, right?
And they were like, hey. Not cool, but I mean I'm.
Yeah, yeah. And I remember, dude, I showed
up to court in cornrows. Oh my God.
Because I was like, yeah, it's cool.

(24:52):
And the bottom, I showed up, I had them do an undercut.
They gave us the Clippers one day at the pod in Carson City.
Yeah. And I had someone do an undercut
and she shaved me bald. Yeah, you're like the female
who's the cat with the Fang teeth?
The Fang grill? Who's that dude?
I can't. I don't know.
Frass you like the grill riff raff dude, dude, I.

(25:14):
Thought it was hot shit, right? And I'm in black and whites.
I got my cornrows and I'm like tore back, obviously because I'm
coming down off of meth and heroin and cocaine.
I mean, like just cold Turkey and the shit out of it.
Yeah. And I write the judge this
letter just like, you know, I'm going to change and I'm going to

(25:34):
do all these things, right. And and I remember, you know,
he's like, you're 18. You know, you the spiel that we
hear, right? Like you've got your whole life
ahead of you. What are you doing?
Yeah, right. And this was this was another
time that I was like, oh, you know what?
I can use my daughter as a pawn.Oh, but my kid, right.
Like, I want to be there for my kid.
And I I wasn't genuine, but he still gave me a chance.

(25:55):
Yeah. It was my first charge.
I was 18 years old or my first set of charges.
And it was it was extensive. You know, he was like, you're
like lucky to be in a state thatbelieves in second chances
because Nevada is a huge second chance state.
Like I can only imagine if, if it was in Mississippi, I mean,
you're in Mississippi, you get caught with a joint or half of a
joint, you're going, you're going to prison for 10 years.
And so, you know, he, he believed in me and no clue why I

(26:21):
haven't seen him ever since because I wound up with a
different judge. There was like a judge and an
entire team of people that it was their job and they were like
working to help me. And at first I was like, no, I'm
just going to, I'm going to use this to get my felonies.
Most of my felonies were droppedto gross misdemeanors.
And then some of them were just a sponge.
And I was like, I'm going to usethis and then I'm going to drink

(26:43):
and smoke weed normally because that was never my issue.
Right? Like makes sense.
My problem. Yeah, that's not my problem.
I'm just going to drink and smoke weed.
I fucking love smoking weed. And then, you know, I only drink
on occasion. And that was bullshit.
It all started with alcohol. And like any time that I've ever
thought about drinking, I'm like, I'm going hard.
And that's, that's the thing in the back of my brain that tells

(27:05):
me like, you can do it. It'd be OK.
And yeah, you gave me a chance. And I mean, I got in trouble a
couple times. And then by the end of it, I, I
was introduced to the program and a lot of people that I love
and I fell in love with the people, right?
And then I was like, OK, maybe Ido want to stay.
I know I do this right? Because because these people are

(27:25):
like everything I've craved and they ask nothing from me and I
don't, I don't feel the need to impress, right?
And in that, like I found myselfand I today, even inside or
outside, I have no need to impress anybody.
Like what you see is what you get.
So your first experience with the program was a feeling you
never had before, which is people that didn't want anything

(27:46):
from you? Yeah, and cared about.
You. I mean, dude, when I went to
jail, I was calling everybody and no one was answering.
Good. Yeah, in retrospect, good.
But. Yeah, right.
And then, you know, I remember my mom.
She was like, at least I know you're safe.
Lick she's right. Yeah, she's totally right.
And, and, and, you know, I was like, what was she going to do?
Yeah. She's all the way across the

(28:07):
country, like trying to live herbest life.
And I'm over here dying. I'm killing myself.
Yeah. So like, no wonder she doesn't
want to talk to me, you know, and my grandparents too.
And so, you know, like, I come here and then I fall in love
with the people. And then I was like, oh, like
I'm. I'm about to not be on paper,
right. And I'm.
I'm nervous because I'm like, what if I think something in the

(28:31):
back of my mind was like, what if you go out?
Because like, what you see in a lot of like, recovery programs,
diversion courts, is like, you see people just, like, fly
through this program immaculately.
I hear you. The day they graduate, they're
gone. Yeah, right.
And some of them die and some ofthem stay out for years.
Some of them get arrested again.Some of them get a 25 to life,

(28:53):
like you And I was thinking about that.
And it like, is that what I wantto do?
And then I, I remember stepping out of that courtroom and they
give you like a certificate and they actually give you a chip.
And I still have my chip from that court.
And nothing changed. Nothing felt different.

(29:13):
There wasn't something like tugging at me telling me to go
drink. And, and like I've been, I've
been sober ever since. I'm 25 years old with seven
years of sobriety. I just turned 7 in July.
And it changed. It changed my life.
It has completely altered the direction of my life because
I've I've seen where it goes. I know exactly where it goes.
Yeah, we've had too many friendsdie.

(29:34):
Too many. And that's on my worst days
sober. Those are my reminders.
Yeah. That it's not.
It won't. I know it won't get better for
me. You know what I mean?
I know that's what's destined for me.
Well, and especially like it's, and I'm not saying it was any
better before, but like the stuff that that that's out there

(29:55):
now, like you, you never know. Yeah, you're just rolling the
dice every single time. Yeah, no.
That's sketchy shit dude, it is sketchy I'm.
Not. I never tried that either.
Yeah. Just kidding and.
I'm just kidding. I'll try.
It I'll try this at home and like.
You're right. Yeah, just it's not worth it.

(30:15):
Yeah, it's not worth it. And I remember during my
drinking and using like that, I just felt like I felt
disgusting, right? And I wanted to, I wanted to
die, but I didn't have, I didn'twant to kill myself, right?
Like I was just hoping, like maybe I'll just do enough to
where I just like don't wake up.I don't have to exist anymore

(30:35):
because that's all it was. It was just existence.
And I, I resented the fact that I had a kid because it made me
feel bad. And, you know, I, I there was a
period of time where I regrettedhaving her, you know, and I was
like, I should have never done this.
And although like I should have never, I should have never.
I wish I hadn't. And today it's like, I'm going
to do that, you know, like all, all those things like, yeah, not

(31:00):
to, not to sound cliche, but it makes me who I am today, right.
And I've got those experiences and, and in that, like I've been
able to help like adolescents, you know, like, like kids,
children that are like going through this 13141516 like,
yeah, they're babies, dude. And like I.
Is that it? The Children's Children's
Cabinet up there is. Oh, just like, you know, I've

(31:22):
had people like, hey, people know that I got sober young and
that I've and that I've maintained and that I'm pretty
active. So just yeah, yeah.
I run into people and they're like, hey, I've got this parent
that's struggling with their 14 year old.
Can you talk to him? Absolutely, yeah, 100%.
And and it gives people like someone to relate to.
Yeah. Because it's like, you know,
you, you come in and my first introduction was like, you're

(31:45):
not old enough. Me too.
You're not old enough. It was a lot of that for me.
Yeah, it was. It was a lot of like, what did
they say? They said I spilt more than you
drank. Maybe you shouldn't spill so
much and. If you would have got here
faster, and I said that too, I was quick with it.
Yeah, no. And that was definitely a thing

(32:06):
I had. And it in a weird way, it was
like I was like, it definitely gave me a moment of doubt, like
am I bad enough? Did I?
And I was like, you're like I could, I'm worse than all of you
folks. You know what I mean?
You guys did not do what I did. Like even my dad has been sober
30 years. He did not, I mean, he had it,
he had a rough, but he did not have it the same as me, you know

(32:26):
what I mean? We were very different.
And I qualified young, young and.
We qualified at 14. Right.
So we have a similar experience that I also was put on a
psychiatric hold at 16 years old.
I qualified that day and went toa meeting that day.
It's like what, 16 year old kidsor qualifying that young, you
know what I mean? And if if they don't have some

(32:49):
kind of fucking. Problem well, and it's it's far
and few between that you see people young coming in like that
because like we're convinced there's like a.
Yeah, the great obsession. Well, not just that, there's
like a propaganda around this like nightlife and you know,
like you drink with your friendsand you go to clubs and you go
to raves and then you go to these raves and you do some

(33:10):
drugs, right? Because it enhances your
experience and like, it's so then you've got like these young
kids and we're trying to fit in.We're trying to be a part of,
we're trying to be cool. And then they're dying.
Oh, it's really Long story short, they're dying, they're
going missing, they're hurting themselves, they're hurting
other people. And that's sad, you know.
So the goal, the ultimate goal is, is to help as many people

(33:34):
that that I can. Did you get right into the
program right when you got here?No.
Yeah, for sure, I was very. A lot of dry.
A lot of dry, yeah. So, you know, it was on a sheet
I had to go to. I had to go to three meetings a
week. And I would put it down and I'd
go outside and I'd smoke a 45 minute cigarette and I'd come

(33:54):
back inside and I'd grab it and I'd leave.
Yeah. And I remember I I'd been
outside and I'd already come back in and my phone died and I
was too nervous because I'm people pleaser and I'm ego
driven. I was like, I don't want to get
up again because people are going to think something.
And so I sat in there and I was,and I heard stuff.
Like it was, it was like a small, small window and I heard

(34:18):
stuff and it peaked my curiosity.
And the biggest question I askedpeople is like, how badly do you
want to suffer? Yeah, before you do something
about it. It is choice.
Yeah, because and I didn't, I didn't think that there was when
I was out there. But like today I'm like, you're
here and and this is simple. Like you just, you get with the

(34:41):
right people and, and do there'ssome, there's some dope ass
people that I've met. Like I have some solid ass
friendships here. And you, you get with these
people and then you love these people and you want to be with
these people. And, and if you get with the
right people, if you get with the right people who who want to
see you do well and are doing well themselves and like only
going up, you're going to be OK.Yeah, you're going to be OK.

(35:04):
No, that's real. But like hanging out in the
slums with, I mean, there were people who cared about me and,
you know, they were like, we gotto watch out for this kid that I
still there's like two or three people that I still keep in
contact with that. But like everybody else took
advantage of me. I mean, I was like, I was 15 and
I no, I was, I was 17. I'm sorry.
And I slept with a freaking 48 year old guy.

(35:26):
Damn, dude. You know, like that's not right.
That's not that's not right. And it's, it sounds like there's
going to be a time where somebody that's going, you're
going to be able to say that's not right to someone else.
Yeah. And that's.
Yeah. And that's another thing like
today, like I can, I can say it with my chest today and not be
afraid of what that reaction is going to be.

(35:50):
You know it's. One thing to judge.
Like, it's one thing to judge a homeless cat, it's another thing
to judge a homeless cat when youwere homeless.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't know, you know
what I'm saying? Yeah, I know.
I know what you're saying. So.
So I'm not like, see, but I do have to pick my words wisely
when it's someone I have strong feelings for, Right.
Like, how do I say this? To where because I've, I've

(36:12):
learned blunt honesty and it canbe painful.
And like, I don't, yeah, I don'tmind saying it.
But then there's some people where I'm like, I just want to
like tender and just like take care of you and love you.
But then there's a point where, like, do I care more about your
life or your feelings? Yeah.
You know. And so I've, I've hardened up a
little bit. Like the last two years I've
just been like, no, like. I am that way as well.

(36:33):
This is the issue, yeah. What are you going to do about
it? There's a time and a place for
the softness, Yeah. There's a time and a place for
firmness. Yeah.
When people are dying, yeah. I'd rather say I'd rather you be
OK Tell you about yourself a little bit.
You know what I mean? Well, and and like, if you're
hurting, I'll I'll love on you and I'll hug you, but what are
you going to do now? What's next right?

(36:53):
Are you going to sit in it and let it consume you or?
Because that's comfortable. Yeah, whatever it looks like.
You know, like, I've, I've watched, I've watched people,
I've watched people get stabbed,I've watched people get the shit
beat out of them. I've watched my friends OD in
their beds. Like I've watched, I've watched
our friends find people. Yeah, it's sad, dude.

(37:15):
You know we just lost somebody amonth and a half ago, right?
We lost four people a month and a half ago within the same week.
But the whole run, yeah. Dude, and it was like all
different things, right? Like there's O DS and then
there's suicides and then there's like accidents.
You know, there's cancer there'sand it's sad, it's really sad.
But like the the next thing thatwe do is we help the next person

(37:35):
and like pray to God that that someone hears from that and gets
better from it. No, I totally get with.
You, that's all I can ask for, you know, And maybe like new
relationships come from that, like strong bonds, strong
friendships. That's like the biggest hope.
Yeah, I I struggled with the relationships in the beginning.
I really did. I got sober young, but in 2014

(37:56):
there was young people in meetings, but it wasn't maybe
maybe they were the same, but I didn't know about them.
I don't know why I just didn't. I just, it was like the noon
that everybody went to and the men's meeting was all I knew,
you know what I mean? And I didn't know about those.
And I did go after 2-3 years of sobriety, I found out and I had

(38:19):
some time and I thought, you know, I knew some shit now
because I worked the met needle,the men's program, you know what
I mean? Like the real traditional
fucking, like what's your part everyday kind of thing, You know
what I mean? Like I, I didn't get no slack.
And it was exactly what I neededin my life.
It was perfect. And then I got to the room, the
young people meetings and they were chatting and they were

(38:41):
talking and I was like, what thefuck?
You know what I mean? And I struggled with that for a
long time. And then somebody grabbed me one
time and and they were like, you're not here for you.
Yeah. Like, oh, shut, yeah, let's just
shut the. You know what I mean?
You're not here for you, bro. You're you can transmit
something here. Well, and that that happened,

(39:02):
what was it? I think it was like 3 months ago
I came in here and I was like, dude, I don't know if I can do
that anymore. Like I'm over it.
Oh. I think I said that to you.
You did, yeah. And and I was like, I was like,
oh, you selling this? Yeah.
And no. And, and it was like, and, and I
knew that I was thinking it and then I knew that you said it.
And I was like, and I was like, HPI was like, man, this is

(39:23):
bullshit. Yeah, you know, but like it's,
it's not about me right anymore.That's right.
You know you get the first year.That's it.
That's it. Everything else is like my my
frontal lobe thinking has to be what can I do for somebody else
that I'm not seeking benefit right out of?
Yeah, that's the key. Yeah, no.

(39:44):
Reciprocation. Am I doing this to feed my ego?
To be dishonest? To take advantage?
What am I doing this for? What are my intentions when I
help somebody? So, you know, if I just go to
the, you know, I'll go where I need to go because they need and
write in the like I said, no ego, but like in in the best way
possible. They need people with experience

(40:07):
and traditional way of thinking.Yeah, for sure.
I think it's, I think it's important to get all the facets.
Yeah, it's it's. And there's, there's an I've got
love for like all of it, right? Like the young people coming in
and then the older people teaching us and then the young
people becoming the older peopleand the consistency and then the

(40:28):
like. The more I stick around, the
less I know I like. This year I am learning so much
and dude, it's epic. Like why would I want anything
else? Yeah, My, my problem was when I
was coming up, it was so clicky,which is good.
It's good. That's not a bad thing you have.
Your friends, it's a. It should be clicky and I don't

(40:49):
care what anybody fucking says. That's a good thing.
But it's I was too young for allthe men's meetings, right?
So they were all golfing and I didn't want to fucking golf.
And then I got to the young people meetings and they were
all doing whatever the young people meetings do.
And I was like, I didn't want tofucking do that because that
sounded dorky, you know what I mean?
And I was like, and now I think it's cool, but it's you know,

(41:11):
and it was like I needed AI didn't quite have the tribe that
I felt like was there. And then my sponsor was like,
then cultivate 1. You know what I mean?
And that's all we've tried to dosince, you know what I mean?
I'm not saying that I'm I cultivated, but starting a
meeting where bikers could come and feel like they could talk

(41:35):
about their fucking feelings, you know what I'm saying?
And and not feel judged, you know what I mean?
And still be men. And.
And like, that's all I wish I would have had.
Yeah. And just like you said, the only
thing I get out of that is just another day for myself, you know
what I mean? Yeah, well, and and like I crave
safety. Safety too, like.
I'm always craving safety and like a good place to go and in

(42:00):
relationships, right? Like like I said, I'm a people
person. I am not an isolator.
Yeah, like if I'm isolating it is not good.
But there was like, AI was like searching for so much
companionship that I was like finding the wrong ones, you
know? And like, not everybody around
me is well and not everybody around me is there for me

(42:22):
without wanting something and, and it it's taken.
I was talking to someone about this yesterday.
Like it is taking years to sift through.
Like the people who are really, really going to be there when it
hits the fan, you know, 'cause like, there's, there's still
shit that like life doesn't givea shit what I'm doing, whether
I'm drinking and using or tryingto stay sober or running a

(42:44):
business. Yeah, or taking care of my kids
does not care. Like, shit's going to hit the.
Fan. The only thing that changed is
how you deal with that. Deal with the process.
Like what am I get? What are you going to do about
it? And that's like that's the
question that I have to have in my head all the time.
What are you going to do about it?
What are you going to do with it?
What are you not going to do? Yeah.
What was the What was the hardest step for you?

(43:06):
12 wise, yeah, I would say probably because.
When I say what's the hardest, it's probably the most impactful
and profound, right? You know what I mean?
Yeah. It would probably be the 5th,
right? Like where I and I had no idea
I'd done it. Yeah, it was an accident, you
know. It's usually the general
consensus. The old ones.
Yeah, it was it was terrifying, right?
And the the 4th wasn't so bad because.
I was like, never having talked to, what do you call it?

(43:28):
Confession. It's like never having
confession in your entire life and finally having confession.
Yeah. And like feeling.
A sense of resolve. Well, and it was like I didn't
have any secrets anymore, right?And since then, like I've never
had secrets. And I may be a little too open
sometimes, but secrets allow power, right?
And if I don't have secrets, nobody can have power over me.

(43:50):
No thing can have power over me because it's all out there like
I've got, I've got nothing to hide.
Like I'm, I'm no better than thenext person who comes in or
worse, right? Like.
I love that, yeah. That's where people lose the
obsession, yes. Dude, it's like, it's like.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
Once you once you get through that and you lose, you're able

(44:13):
to get all that shit off your chest.
You're able to realize what yourpart is even.
And yeah, you, you you just generally lose the obsession.
And people always ask me that this is a program for a living.
It's not necessarily a program of nowhere in the 12 steps does
it say stop drinking alcohol. You know what I mean?
And it's a program of living. It's because the problem is

(44:33):
there's a symptom and it's manifesting in alcoholism and
drug use and freaking whatever. Yeah.
That was that was my solution. And now today, now today mine
is, it's, I mean, it's, it says in a million to like help
others, help others, help others, help others, right And
like have a spiritual connection.
It doesn't have to be anything crazy, right?
Like my grandparents were Baptist ministry, you know

(44:57):
those. Are the ones that yell at
people. No, those pyostos, my my
ex-husband was into that. It's.
Terrifying. So, you know, like, of all the
experiences that I've had, it was like, this is bad.
You don't, you know, you're not good enough, right?
And you can't do this and you can't do that because it's a sin
and blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
And to each their own, right? Like, I'm not hating on any kind

(45:19):
of religion, but religion isn't for me.
It's spirituality. Gotcha.
Whatever it is that's out there,right?
Like, yeah, I'm OK, I'm safe. I definitely have found that
because I found some kind of higher power in this program
that when I hear talk people talk about religion, sometimes I
like that sounds really limiting.

(45:39):
It's extremely, you know what I mean?
Like, damn, I just talk, you know what I mean?
And not every form of religion, but a lot of them is not
limiting. Just talk well and.
You know, there's a sense of community in that, right?
Like the gym, the gym is a senseof community.
And like the church, right? And the club, you know, so you
have like all these, all these things that you can do that are

(45:59):
a sense of community. You know, my, my, my
spirituality is just a little like more vast than a religion.
Yeah. And, and so like, you know, you
get involved in this community and then you get out to like the
cosmetology and barbering community, right, where we all
the shared interests and you have friends there.

(46:21):
And like the, the amount of friends that I have is like, I
don't even, I couldn't name themall.
I couldn't count them all. But like, if I saw them, I'd
know their name, you know, and we've had like really good
experiences with each other. And it's cool.
It's really cool to to be able to do that.
And it's just community. I just need people.

(46:42):
I need people, right? And through those people, I find
somebody to help. That's, that's important.
It's important and it's important to have people to
relate to. And the cool thing about this is
you don't have to label there's you don't have to label anything
really. Like you're completely free to
believe what you want to essentially do what you want

(47:02):
within reason. Just be a better person, but do
whatever you want. No one ever told me here to not
go do hair. You know, no one ever told me
here to not have a second kid orto not do this or, or that I
couldn't do that because I had finger tattoos or, you know,
like no one ever told me that. It was just like, dude, I'm so
excited for you. I'm so excited for you.

(47:23):
And I'm so stoked for this. And like, look at all that
you've accomplished. And it used to be like, what do
you want from me? And now it's just like, dude,
thank you, right? Like we share success here.
We share, we share sorrow here, right?
And it's like, dude, this sucks,right?
But we get through it. We get through it.
That's so real. Yeah.
It's crazy to think about that lowest moment where you decided
to put the shovel down in your life to sit and own your own

(47:46):
business with a husband that youlove your kids in your life, and
just to totally turn around. It's crazy to put those two
things right next to each other.You know what I mean?
And realize because it's it's a powerful exercise in my brain
because it's just like when I'm feeling low, that shit makes me
feel. It's like, yeah, it's like a,

(48:07):
but look at this right? And like it's not my apartment
is not the Taj Mahal. We still struggle.
The business is not fully booked.
There are things that I'm like and it's like I, I get in these
modes where I stop my feet like a toddler, right?
And I'm like, well, I don't havethis and I don't have that,

(48:27):
right? And you know, like, I don't, I
don't drive new car. I don't have a new car.
We have old cars, right? Those old cars have kept us
running for years. Yeah, no, I hear you With no car
payment, right. Motorcycle.
Old cars, Yeah, that's what you should do.
No, I hear you. I totally.
Hear you. Yeah, I know.
And like I've got, there's shoeson my feet.
I don't ever question whether ornot I'm going to be able to get

(48:49):
groceries. Like, my kids are so happy.
So it's like, you know, and and it seems like it's like this
when I'm in my negative headspace.
The optimism is sickening, right?
But it's true. Like I used to sleep in alleys
and Roach infested hotel rooms. Yeah.
Didn't that place get shut down because of bedbugs?

(49:10):
Yeah, dude, it got. Yeah, that's what.
Dude, it was rough. It was rough.
I lived in that place just eating.
I ate all sorts of cookies and just lived on milk.
Like just cookies and milk and meth and pills.
Meth. And pills.
And milk. And cookies.
That's what we're going to call this episode.
Meth, Milk and cookies. Fuck yeah.

(49:31):
Don't look. At the pills, yeah.
Yeah, the pills are important, yeah.
That shit's hard, dude. Yeah, that one's hard.
Smoking those fucking things, dude, Yeah.
Well, when I was junkie I would do anything anyway anywhere.
If I could ingest it anywhere, Iwas doing it like it didn't
matter. It didn't matter.
I just needed to change how I felt.
And it was like, what if I try this, right?

(49:51):
Yeah, yeah. It was crazy, you know?
And there's another time that I I learned how to parachute and
it was this guy in his 30s. And I think I was like 16 or 17
and. Did that all the time.
I never knew why. I never knew why.
You know what I mean? Yeah, he like wrapped it up in
toilet paper and I was, I was inthis house.

(50:12):
I don't remember where this house was, but I was supposed to
just be re upping and I go and Itake the shower and then I've
got like glimpses of what happened throughout the night.
He took advantage of me, right? And at one point I saw him
taking a video of me and then I woke up the next morning, all my
shit was gone. Damn, everything was gone.
And there was like a guy in a hospital bed in the in the room

(50:34):
at the end, no clue who he is, right?
Just waking up and I'm like and and I was so numb to it.
Like, today, if that happened tome, I would be at my wit's end,
Right. And I just, I got up and I found
some clothes and I left and I went back to where I was
staying, like nothing happened. Yeah.
And it was crazy. I was like, you know, I called.

(50:55):
I called my, you know, all my shit got stolen.
My bad. You know, like, I lost it.
And it was just like, OK. I think a lot of what changed is
you found that you're not a doormat and you have value.
You know what I mean? I think that's a.
Huge. And there's like, there's a
piece of humanity that was missing that was restored,
right? And it was just like, because
there was no self worth. So it was like, oh, this

(51:17):
happened, right? At least I'm not pregnant.
Like, just something like that. Just like, yeah.
Not even thinking about the brutality of what that life had
for me. No, I totally understand.
It's crazy. Yeah.
Do you have any recommendations for any young lady or any guys,
anybody struggling with this disease right now that might be

(51:39):
listening to what you have to say?
My biggest thing, I think my biggest thing is just like the
thing that I suggest the most islike, if you're struggling, find
a place to go and find somebody and give this a shot for a year,
just one year. Like it flies by, it flies by.
But like if you're not having a killer time, by all means, see

(52:04):
you later. But I gave it, I gave it one
year, whether it was on paper ornot.
I gave it a year and and shit changed and I wasn't even
trying. Yeah, right.
And like now I'm trying and I'm like over the moon.
Over the moon. Yeah, it's crazy that there's a
life beyond your wildest dreams just on the other side of you

(52:26):
putting all the bullshit down inyour life.
You know what I mean? And and I'm, I'm grateful that I
got it young. And I wish that I could show
somebody a mirror of them what would happen to their life.
But it's just like, it is a profound leap of faith, you know
what I mean? But I've never seen somebody who
has had this disease thoroughly committed to it, been honest and

(52:47):
thorough from the very start, and their life didn't get
better. Well, and then and then you get
some time, right? And I think about that past and
it's like a dream. Yeah.
Not that I forget it, but it feels like a different life.
Like I like, I just dreamed about it last night and woke up
and. You should spend my life.
This is just spend my life and it's it's wild.

(53:07):
Yeah. It's unbelievable the things
that and and I can, like I said,I can do anything.
Yeah, I can even leave the statewithout asking permission.
That's tight. That's a big deal.
That is tight. It's.
Like that's a big deal. I can't go to Canada.
I can go to Canada. That's cool.
Yeah, yeah, sorry guys, you're burnt.
Can you go to Canada? You can go to Canada.

(53:28):
Oh yeah, but you? Well, I'm sober now.
The only thing I had to go up there is for Bolson.
But I think you can get it here,you know what I mean?
And I'm sober, so no big deal, you know?
Yeah. So you know, the possibilities
are endless. Unless you can't go to Canada.
Yeah. You know, yeah, whatever.
No big deal. Yeah.
Fucking Mounties. No, that's that's cool Shot.

(53:51):
Yeah. I mean, it's a it really is a
profound thing. You're a testament to this.
And if there's anybody that's listening today, if you're
doubting whether or not you havea problem, normal people don't
question if they have a problem with drugs and alcohol.
They don't smoke drugs recreationally.

(54:13):
Anybody that's questioning that thing usually is a good sign.
If you're struggling right now, I hope your life fucking sucks.
I hope it's the worst day of your fucking life.
But I promise you, if you decide, you can just put the
shovel fucking down and you can find A room and you can call the
1800 number at the bottom and you can find a place to go.

(54:36):
You don't have to go to fucking rehab.
You can just walk into a meetingand you'd be amazed what could
fucking happen for you. So we are all about attraction
rather than promotion. And the people that come on this
are people who struggled and have their life together.
It's a lot different hearing somebody talk.
I relate in no way that somebodywho is like a motivational

(55:01):
speaker who's had a silver spoonin their whole fucking silver
spoon in their mouth their wholelife and has really never known
adversity. You know what I mean?
I don't relate to those people and, and they're important
because they might relate to other people.
That's the. People that come from the
trenches. God damn I I relate to the
people that have lost it 6 timesand once on a Sunday.

(55:21):
You know what I'm saying? Like those are the people that I
fucking relate to and those are the people that was like damn
that they had it worse than me, you know what I mean?
And seeing and being able to putyour life side by side and here
a business owner, a mom, a wife and sober it works.
You know what? I.
Mean, that's like the real gangster shit it is, you know?

(55:43):
Like. Yeah, it's it's that's gangster
is like this is it? I'm having a baller ass time
here. It's great.
I couldn't ask for anything more.
I keep getting more and and likethat's that's what grace is,
right? I don't deserve this, but I get
it. And that's, that's pure grace.
It's amazing. Yeah.
Yeah. It's real.
Like Jonathan says, God gets theglory and we get the grace.

(56:05):
That's right, yeah. Shy, thank you so much for
coming on. Thank you.
We appreciate you. If you need your fucking haircut
and you're in Reno, Shy's books are open.
We'll have her tagged on social media.
You can go find her. Come on.
All that.