August 5, 2025 • 29 mins
A compilation of humorous shows ranging from slapstick sketches to witty banter and family sitcoms. This series highlights the timeless appeal of laughter and character-driven comedy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
The following program is transcribed.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Now for an hour of comedy, brought to you by
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OURCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music,
first in television. In thirty minutes you will hear Duffy's Tavern,
but now it's radio's newest comedy show, The Magnificent Montague,
(00:49):
The Magnificent Montague starring Marty Woolley. Before we begin, a
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For anison today, And now for the magnificent Montague. There's
former monarch of the Shakespearean stage who has now sunk
to radio as uncle Goodheart of an afternoon program as usual,
it is morning in the Montague apartment. Agnes and Lily
(02:17):
are awaiting his first grand appearance of the.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Day, his arrival at the breakfast table.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Good morning, Agnes, coffee here you are, honey, Thank you, Agnes.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Is the thing up yet?
Speaker 5 (02:41):
Do you mean Edwin?
Speaker 4 (02:43):
I don't mean guy Lombardo.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Really, Agnes, current you refer to my husband in any
other way?
Speaker 4 (02:49):
But the thing Honey, I've spent twenty five years trying
to figure out a way to describe him. He always
comes out the things silly. Is he a stage actor, No,
he's in radio. Is he in radio? No, he won't
admit he sunk that low? Is he human? Now he's
(03:09):
a beast? Is he a beast?
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Now he's a jerk? Agnes, Please remember he's my husband.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
There must be some whay of getting you a purple heart, Agnes,
for me, will you please make an effort to get
along with Edwin? Get along, Honey, you're looking at a
broad who's fighting for a Lifees.
Speaker 5 (03:38):
It isn't that.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
Bad the minute he gets up in the morning. It's
the law of the jungle.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
But Agnes, if you're a little more tolerant with him,
I'm sure he'll unbend.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
Honey.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
For ten years I've been wearing pointed shoes just waiting
for him to bend.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Agnes, sweetheart, Remember Edwin's going through a mental strain, trying
to keep it a secret that the magnificent montocue of
the legitimate theater is in radio, and uncle goodheart at
that not try and get along with him?
Speaker 5 (04:11):
Just once? Would you say good morning to him.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
Good morning, okay, honey for you?
Speaker 5 (04:17):
Oh good, He'll be out any minute.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
It's almost time for his morning vocal exercises are.
Speaker 7 (04:24):
Here.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
We are roaming the hill.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I roll me, I rolled ere.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Oom lo here the gentle lot Agnes go ahead, Ah.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Good morning, mister montaguell What was that?
Speaker 5 (04:48):
Edwin? Agnes was saying? Good morning?
Speaker 8 (04:51):
Is that what that sound was? I thought the city
was widening the street?
Speaker 5 (04:58):
Edwin, Agnes brings breakfast.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
See what I mean? Honey? It's dog eat dog dog.
Speaker 5 (05:04):
Good?
Speaker 8 (05:05):
What a welcome change from her usual breakfast ed.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
When curved dawn, Agnes is making an effort to get
along with you. Agnes serving is breakfast.
Speaker 8 (05:16):
Here it comes my morning boat with Lucretia boarder.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
How do you want your eggs? Sunny side upper? In
your face?
Speaker 1 (05:28):
All right?
Speaker 8 (05:29):
Miss Tolmain scaped back to your garbage can Edwin?
Speaker 5 (05:34):
Don she's trying to be nice.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Here's your eggs, mister Montague.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
See Edwin, she called you, mister Montague.
Speaker 8 (05:42):
Must she make it sound like a dirty would.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
Here?
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Edwin eat your eggs?
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Cad? What a messy sight? Just because the eggs were
laid by a plymouth rock.
Speaker 8 (05:57):
Must they look as if a pilgrim just pulled his
foot out of them.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Look, they're just eggs. I buy them, fry them, and
serve them from there on. Take it up with a.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Chicken, Edwin, eat your eggs.
Speaker 4 (06:15):
What's wrong now?
Speaker 8 (06:17):
Nothing like this? Congratulations you discovered a new plastic.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
When he gets a load of the toast, here's your toast,
mister Monague, stand back.
Speaker 8 (06:30):
Honey, mammy, little baby loves buttered shingles.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
You take these clickers away.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
No, no, they're just a little brown brown.
Speaker 8 (06:48):
This toast is so badly burnt. I'm sure I can
collect insurance on.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
It, all right, Agnes his coffee here, I'm afraid of
still hot.
Speaker 5 (07:02):
Oho legend.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
What's the matter, Lily, don't touch that coffee? Have it analyzed? Oh?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Edwin, stop being so picky. So what if the coffee
happens to be a mite strong?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Lily?
Speaker 9 (07:15):
I don't mind strong coffee, but I do not like
it when it comes out of the cup swinging.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
I don't know what he's beefing about. You liked the
coffee yesterday, and it's the same grounds.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
And when you have a broadcast today, you can't go
hungry hungry.
Speaker 8 (07:35):
The minute I look at that dirty apron she's wearing
my appetites.
Speaker 6 (07:38):
Gone dirty apron, My dear like this.
Speaker 8 (07:41):
Let's face it, there are more nutritious vitamins on your
apron than I've had all months.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
Maybe you want me to serve your breakfast and myself, Kimona.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The one that says golden glove on the back.
Speaker 5 (08:04):
Now stop it and I'll stop it both of you.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
Why are we wasting all this time with his breakfast?
Why don't I just go into his bedroom every morning
with a whip and of chaan throwma hunk at me?
Speaker 8 (08:16):
Oh oh, please spare me the sight of you when
I first opened my eyes.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Those hair curlers on that flat head.
Speaker 8 (08:26):
You look like a roof full of television aerials.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
Why you you singing? You hide me?
Speaker 8 (08:36):
Be it ever so humble. There is no place like
ewol GiMA.
Speaker 5 (08:42):
Edwin, these fights every morning can't go on.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I'm glad you've come to realize it. Agnes has to go.
Speaker 5 (08:49):
Oh, let's not go through that again.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Agnes is a maid. She's supposed to cook and clean.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Now, Edwin, Agnes is very neat.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Very neat. Have you been in my den recently?
Speaker 8 (08:59):
I'm not asking you to take that dirt away, But
if she don't plow it once in a while, Edwin,
you know.
Speaker 5 (09:09):
How you are. She's afraid to go into your.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Den, so am I. It's becoming a game preserve.
Speaker 6 (09:20):
Edwin.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
Stop being ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Lily, I'm serious. She's ruining my health.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Oh but Agnes has been with us for twenty five years,
and she was my wardrobe woman before that.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
We can't just turn Agnes out into the streets.
Speaker 8 (09:33):
We certainly can, although frankly I'd rather wait until there
was a blizzard.
Speaker 5 (09:40):
No, ed When I won't permit it. Why Agnes is
our our good luck piece?
Speaker 9 (09:45):
All right, then let's nail her over the door like
a horse shoeing, Lily, I can't stand it anymore.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Either she goes or I go when maybe we can
work it out.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
No, that's my decision. Get rid of her.
Speaker 5 (10:00):
All these years? How can I do this?
Speaker 8 (10:03):
Give me a year's salary anything, I'm going into my
dad and then when I return, I want this apartment
to be Agnes less.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Agnes.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Yes, honey, Agnes, sit down.
Speaker 5 (10:19):
I'd like to talk to you.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Is blue Beard gone?
Speaker 5 (10:24):
No, he's in the den. Agnes. We've been together a
long time. Haven't we.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yeah, we had a lot of laughs too before you
went and fell for Count Dracula.
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Remember that start company in Cincinnati.
Speaker 4 (10:40):
That guy playing Hamlet making a play for you? He
sure was a piste until I put itching powder in
his tie.
Speaker 5 (10:49):
And remember what happened to the scenery in Omaha.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Please, honey, no more. You're just making it tougher for me,
tougher for you. Yeah. I've been trying to put it.
Speaker 5 (10:59):
Off, but I can't, Agnes, what is it?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Honey, don't try and talk me out of it. I'm quitting.
I'm leaving before I become another notch in.
Speaker 5 (11:06):
His cane, A notch in his cane.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Yeah, didn't you ever notice them? Four notches in his cane,
One for every person he's giving a nervous breakdown to.
I'm getting while they're Getting's good, But Edges, where would
you go any place where I can relax like a
snake pit. I'm all packed. I'm leaving before I can
change my mind right away. Yeah, honey, you know, I
(11:29):
wish I had one more chance to fix a meal
for him. I got an idea for a casserole that
would make you a free woman.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
Oh, Agnes, Oh miss you so Oh.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Don't worry. I'll keep in touch with you so long, Honey, goodbye, Agnes.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Did I hear the front door slam?
Speaker 9 (11:55):
Was that wonderful, wonderful sound, Agnes making her final exit
from my.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
Yes, Sir, Agnes is gone. She went of her own accord.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
It's too bad. I was hoping we'd have to use force, Edwin.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
How can you say things like that.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Hellily, Agnes is gone.
Speaker 8 (12:13):
Look the sun is shining through the dirty windows.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Listen, my heart is seeing. I'm a boy again.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Kiss me the leg, Oh, Edwin, Agnes has gone.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
All it took was getting Agnes out of the house.
I'm a new man.
Speaker 5 (12:27):
Here's your coat, little sunbeam. You have to get your
radio broadcast.
Speaker 8 (12:32):
Now for a wonderful afternoon with my good friends and
colleagues at the radio station. Lily, I never like to
mention my competitors, but life can be beautiful.
Speaker 9 (12:51):
Well, look, sensor, you're the director of the Uncle Good
Heart program.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's your duty to talent.
Speaker 6 (12:56):
Let's just bring here the producer. It's up to you
to mister Montague, our sensor.
Speaker 9 (13:02):
Just come out and tell him that entertain's program Uncle
Good Heart for friends, a homeless Airdale, and the sponsor
insists he work with a live dog.
Speaker 7 (13:10):
A live dog. He doesn't even like to work with
live people. Mister Springer, I have a wife and four children.
Speaker 9 (13:18):
You tell him, just tell him. The Airdale licks his
face a few times and he kisses it back.
Speaker 7 (13:24):
Oh, no, censor your coward, mister Springer.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
I've never denied that. Please you tell him, I.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Do it, Zinser.
Speaker 9 (13:37):
But I just get into another argument with him.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
He never argues with you.
Speaker 9 (13:41):
I know.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
He just hits me now, looks insir, sh.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Here it comes now you tell him.
Speaker 6 (13:49):
About the dog.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Ah, mister goodenough to do.
Speaker 6 (13:54):
Don't hit me?
Speaker 8 (13:57):
Hit you Zinza, my friend, I'm only holding out my
hand to shift yours.
Speaker 6 (14:03):
Oh yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
My dear friend, mister Springer, how are you fine? Fine?
A little busy?
Speaker 6 (14:08):
Mister Sinsa.
Speaker 9 (14:09):
Will explain a few minor points about today's Uncle Good
Heart program, and.
Speaker 8 (14:12):
Don't rush Offspringer. Well, Sinsa, what have you imps devised
for your.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Old uncle to do this afternoon?
Speaker 6 (14:20):
Wow?
Speaker 7 (14:21):
Well, mister Montague, it's the sponsor's idea. A friendless Airdale
comes to your cottage and you take him in.
Speaker 8 (14:32):
But naturally, Uncle good Heart and man's best friend.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Beautiful thought.
Speaker 6 (14:39):
We're using a live dog.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Excellent, He lets.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
Your face and you kiss him back.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
What a scene, stark realism, Oh, Sinsa, we're going to give.
Speaker 8 (14:51):
Our lists both barrels today a live dog.
Speaker 9 (14:54):
I tried to get the sponsor to use an animal imitator.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Ah, Springer, that's where you're wrong. Where's your imagination, your
sense of the dramatic.
Speaker 8 (15:03):
But I'll forgive you if you will give me the
name of your tailor, my tailor. I've always envied your
immaculate appearance, your beautiful clothes.
Speaker 9 (15:11):
Really, I always pride myself on being well dressed. I
have a little tailor on twenty fourth Street, if you
wish me to make an appointment for you, the most
kind of your Springer?
Speaker 6 (15:21):
How terrible and tall?
Speaker 10 (15:22):
Mister Montague and zins out here, Cinsa.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
I was always saying to missus Montague this morning. Why
don't we see more of mister Zinza.
Speaker 6 (15:41):
You want to see more of meter?
Speaker 8 (15:43):
Oh, I'm peeved at you, mister Zinsa. You are You've
never asked us out to your home. I've never met
your family.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
We live in the Bronx.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
H the Bronx haven't been there since the boy uncle
had a farm there.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
If you'd like to come to dinner, sir, that's super
the Bronx.
Speaker 8 (16:07):
It would do lily and be a will good to
get out of the city.
Speaker 7 (16:14):
But mister Montague, I better warn you. I have four children.
Speaker 8 (16:18):
Oh you most fortunate of men. All the blessings of
a happy home. Cinza I too, now, for the first
time in twenty five years, have a happy home.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Then we're invited.
Speaker 7 (16:29):
Well, gee, mister Montague, I never expected.
Speaker 6 (16:32):
How about tomorrow.
Speaker 7 (16:33):
Night, it's a date gae Wellaker's boy. My wife can
make meatballs.
Speaker 5 (16:38):
Meatballs.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Somebody must have told you they're my favorite.
Speaker 6 (16:41):
You're honest. Oh here he is, mister Montague. There Dale,
that's going to work with you.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Say hello to mister Montague. Wade off. Look he's giving
me his paw a little doggy is woo.
Speaker 7 (17:06):
Oh my, isn't that the cutest thing?
Speaker 6 (17:08):
Ain't offers looking mister Montague's f.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Ooh it tickles.
Speaker 9 (17:20):
A happy days ahead for all of us.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
We'll be back with a magnificent molegule in just a moment. Now,
let's hear from a very good friend of yours.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
This is Bob hope. Can we steal a second?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Say, Bob, did you notice there's a new Chesterfield poster
of you around town?
Speaker 11 (17:47):
Yeah? I saw him in a drug store the other day.
I'm dressed up as Santa Claus.
Speaker 9 (17:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
And you're holding a carton of Chesterfields with a picture
of being you know who dressed up as Santa Claus.
And you're saying for Christmas gifts. Here's the answer, Yep,
Crosby for Christmas.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Bob.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Seriously, why did they make Crosby Papa Santa Claus and
the Christmas cart instead of you?
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Well?
Speaker 11 (18:03):
Hi, By tradition, Santa Claus is no man, yes, always
carrying a sack full.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Well, in all fairness to Being Bob, I must say,
it's a very attractive gift, and as.
Speaker 11 (18:15):
Packed with two hundreds of those always milder Chesterfields, which
make as fine a gift as anyone could give or
anyone could get. And folks, if you want to prove that,
just for yourself, make that Chesterfield mildness test.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Open them, smell them, compare them, and smoke them.
Speaker 12 (18:28):
Chesterfield Chesterfield always been first planking that milder mild to
that don't ever leasen after.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Taste so open up pack, give him a smell.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
You smoke them.
Speaker 11 (18:40):
See you Tuesday night, folks for Chesterfield.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Time, and I'll back to the magnificent Montague. It is
the next morning. In the now Happy, Happy Montague apartment,
Lily and the new maid are ready for Montague's first
breakfast under the new regime.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Oh, by the way, Sarah, Yes, Missus Montague, my husband
and I are going to Bronx for dinner tonight the Zienses,
so don't cook tonight.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 12 (19:11):
Oh, Missus Montague. Do you think Uncle, i mean, mister Montague.
Speaker 5 (19:15):
Will like me. Oh no, don't be nervous. Oh you're
shaking working.
Speaker 4 (19:20):
For uncle good heart. I'm one of his.
Speaker 5 (19:23):
Biggest fans that will do it.
Speaker 12 (19:27):
On his program yesterday when he took the sliver out
of that dog's paw and he bandaged the.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Little Paul and then little dog lit his face.
Speaker 5 (19:40):
He's such a good man. No, no, no, Sarah, or
your nose is getting read. I'm sorry. Yes, I think
he's coming.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
He's sick.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
I'll call doctor Sarah back.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
He's just vocalizing. He's an actor.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Lily, who is this angel in white by Edwin?
Speaker 5 (20:09):
This is our new maid, Sarah.
Speaker 8 (20:11):
Sarah the divine Sarah, oh Lila, call her off before
she leaks through to the apartment.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Downstairs, ed when she's overcome with happiness. She's one of
your listeners.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Come now, Sarah, we must be brave. Bring my breakfast.
Speaker 5 (20:34):
Yes, Uncle Edwin.
Speaker 8 (20:37):
She is sweet, naturally after Agnes Lizzie Borden, the axe
killer of Paul River, would be sweet.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
I'm hungry.
Speaker 8 (20:46):
I've been waiting twenty five years to have one breakfast
not prepared by Agnes.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Is your orange juice?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
Sir?
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Thank you, Sarah Edwin.
Speaker 5 (20:55):
What's the matter with it?
Speaker 8 (20:56):
What kind of orange juice is this? Agnes never made
it like this. There are no seeds in it.
Speaker 5 (21:02):
Far quiet, Sarah.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
He's not used to orange juice like that. Now take
it back to the kitchen, put some seeds in it
and warm it up.
Speaker 13 (21:16):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Here are your eggs, sir, eggs?
Speaker 8 (21:21):
This wet mass of goo or eggs?
Speaker 14 (21:25):
When you shut up, Edwin, Edwin's shame on you. This
is our new May, the new May. This is Rudolph
the red nose reindeer.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
A red nose reindeer.
Speaker 12 (21:42):
I quit now, Sarah, Uncle good heart, I'll never believe
another thing I hear on the radio again, not.
Speaker 5 (21:51):
Even the weather? Another one gone?
Speaker 8 (21:58):
And who have you next on the list? Typhoid?
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Marry Edwin?
Speaker 5 (22:04):
What's come over you?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
And just getting smart? Lily? I catch on, catch on, Lily,
I'm on your little plan.
Speaker 8 (22:11):
You hand picked that white apron monstrosity to make life
miserable for me miserable.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
You're taking revenge for my getting rid of Agnes Edwin.
Speaker 5 (22:19):
You're getting impossible.
Speaker 8 (22:20):
Yes, impossible, a fool, your snider, little trick.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
Snider, little tricks Edwin. What's happened? We're having our first fight.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Let's bring it all out into the open.
Speaker 8 (22:32):
I took you out of those musicals and made you
a dramatic actress for what.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
So you could steal scenes from me?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Edwin? Montague? You were, you are, you always will be.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
A hand Lily. That is one word I forbid in
my home.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
You're a home.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I have a broadcast to do. Where's my hat?
Speaker 6 (23:02):
Haha?
Speaker 9 (23:03):
Montague Springer, take your dirty hands off my sleep. Dirty
but I just wanted to tell you I made an
appointment for you.
Speaker 6 (23:10):
With my tailor.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
You have a tailor? You mean human hands?
Speaker 8 (23:14):
Actually put together those gunny sacks you wear.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
What mister Montague, my taylor, I wouldn't let him make
my shroud.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
You would come out with a belt in the back.
Speaker 7 (23:28):
But mister pat there, mister Montague, I wrote out the
directions how to get to my house, how to get
where were dinner tonight at my house in the bronx.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
My dear demented friend. I wouldn't be caught dead in
the bronx.
Speaker 6 (23:44):
But you were coming to dinner.
Speaker 7 (23:46):
My wife made twenty five pounds of meatballs.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Round up the children, I hope.
Speaker 7 (23:54):
Mister Montague, that's the most horrible thing I ever heard.
Speaker 6 (23:57):
In my life.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Thank you in the thank you? Are you gonna have
a rehearsal here today?
Speaker 6 (24:03):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Here comes my little friend Adolf.
Speaker 6 (24:08):
Take this.
Speaker 8 (24:12):
Is everybody happy?
Speaker 1 (24:24):
Lily, Lily, Lily, are.
Speaker 6 (24:27):
You home here?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I am, Edward.
Speaker 5 (24:30):
Sorry, I'm not out of your house yet. But there
was a lot of package.
Speaker 8 (24:35):
Lily put down those suitcases and stopped putting on this
second act curtain, the backstreet gudge.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
It was never your strongest point.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
Ed when I'm leaving you, what did I do?
Speaker 9 (24:46):
Now?
Speaker 5 (24:46):
Edwin? Stop this after that scene this morning, Lily.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Don't go please.
Speaker 5 (24:52):
Edward what's happened to you?
Speaker 3 (24:54):
You were always impossible, but this is impossible.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I know it, Lily. I can't help it.
Speaker 8 (25:01):
I've been going around insulting people, making everybody miserable.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I even kicked little aid Doll. Lily, I know what's
wrong with me?
Speaker 6 (25:10):
So do I? You do?
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Get her back, Lily, Get Agnes back.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
It's too late.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
She was my escape valve.
Speaker 9 (25:19):
Without Agnes to pick out. I'm frustrated.
Speaker 5 (25:22):
I became your whipping girl instead of Agnes.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
She was the only one who would strike back. Get Agnes.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
It's too late. She's with a very fine family. You
don't think she'd come back to be tormented by you.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Who's that, Edwin?
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Go to your den. That's Agnes, Agnes, she called. She
still has some clothes to take away.
Speaker 8 (25:42):
I'll go, Lily, plead with her, get her to come back.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
I wouldn't do that to her. Edwin. You go to
your den. You've caused her enough trouble.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
Come in, hello, honey, Agnes.
Speaker 5 (25:56):
How's the new job? That? People are?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Wonderful? Beautiful room with the television said? It's Agnes. Can
we give you this?
Speaker 6 (26:01):
Agnes?
Speaker 4 (26:02):
Can we bring you that? This morning? I sneezed that
brought me breakfast in bed? Really, honey, it's driving me nothing.
Nobody insults me. I got nobody to else back.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Yet then I got a.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Right to be human. I'm like a piece of furniture.
They've got no status.
Speaker 13 (26:21):
At least with Morning you had a place that was
his enemy. Oh but you are after twenty five years
with monitor, who can stand quiet? Those smiles and affection
they give me it makes me sick.
Speaker 4 (26:36):
Honey, let me come back here.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Or Agnes, welcome, whome Edwin the lady you call?
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oh hello, Agnes.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Hello, mister Montague Edwin, Agnes has come back to us.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yes, so you came crawling back on you like a
whipped thought.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
It was you that drew me back here. I could
fly to a garbage dumber.
Speaker 6 (27:13):
Edwin.
Speaker 4 (27:14):
Ed Why that big bubble head?
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Oh right, aness, Lily put her back on the leash, Edwin.
Speaker 8 (27:21):
Please, if miss Dutchkins thinks she's gonna start throwing her
weight around here again, she's a cand Lily. Look at
the time, the time. Yes, we're due at the Zinzas
for dinner.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Home, Sweet home, ladies and gentlemen. America's newest car, the
(27:52):
Fine you. Ford for nineteen fifty one is now on
display at your neighborhood for dealers, and when you see it,
you'll find an inside and out in every detail of
design and construction, the nineteen fifty one Ford reflects true
fine car quality, and in addition, it offers forty three
look ahead features designed to keep the fifty one Ford
(28:13):
young in appearance and young in performance. For example, there's
Ford's smart luxury lounge interiors with their exclusive color harmonized
Ford Craft fabrics. There's the new automatic ride control that
automatically adjusts spring reaction to the type of road to
give you a level ride, an easy ride. And there's
the automatic mileage maker that lets you get the last
(28:35):
mile out of every gallon of gasoline for utmost economy.
Visit your Ford dealers soon and see the nineteen fifty
one Ford yourself. You'll agree you can pay more, but
you can't buy better. Join us again next Friday for
another transcribed visit with a magnificent Montague starring Marty Woolli,
created and directed by Matt Hyken, written by Matt Hiken
(28:57):
and Billy Friedberg, and Seymour was aim Pert. Kelton was
Agnes also heard on tonight's program with Johnny Gibson Hart, Connie,
John Griggs, Pat Hossley, and Frank Malono. This is Don
Pardo saying stay tuned for Duffy's Tavern, which follows immediately
The following program is transcribed.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
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(00:26):
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first in television. In thirty minutes you will hear Duffy's Tavern,
but now it's radio's newest comedy show, The Magnificent Montague,
(00:49):
The Magnificent Montague starring Marty Woolley. Before we begin, a
word about a great drug product. If you suffer from
(01:11):
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bottles of fifty to one hundred for your medicine cabinet.
For anison today, And now for the magnificent Montague. There's
former monarch of the Shakespearean stage who has now sunk
to radio as uncle Goodheart of an afternoon program as usual,
it is morning in the Montague apartment. Agnes and Lily
(02:17):
are awaiting his first grand appearance of the.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Day, his arrival at the breakfast table.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Good morning, Agnes, coffee here you are, honey, Thank you, Agnes.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Is the thing up yet?
Speaker 5 (02:41):
Do you mean Edwin?
Speaker 4 (02:43):
I don't mean guy Lombardo.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Really, Agnes, current you refer to my husband in any
other way?
Speaker 4 (02:49):
But the thing Honey, I've spent twenty five years trying
to figure out a way to describe him. He always
comes out the things silly. Is he a stage actor, No,
he's in radio. Is he in radio? No, he won't
admit he sunk that low? Is he human? Now he's
(03:09):
a beast? Is he a beast?
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Now he's a jerk? Agnes, Please remember he's my husband.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
There must be some whay of getting you a purple heart, Agnes,
for me, will you please make an effort to get
along with Edwin? Get along, Honey, you're looking at a
broad who's fighting for a Lifees.
Speaker 5 (03:38):
It isn't that.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
Bad the minute he gets up in the morning. It's
the law of the jungle.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
But Agnes, if you're a little more tolerant with him,
I'm sure he'll unbend.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
Honey.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
For ten years I've been wearing pointed shoes just waiting
for him to bend.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Agnes, sweetheart, Remember Edwin's going through a mental strain, trying
to keep it a secret that the magnificent montocue of
the legitimate theater is in radio, and uncle goodheart at
that not try and get along with him?
Speaker 5 (04:11):
Just once? Would you say good morning to him.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
Good morning, okay, honey for you?
Speaker 5 (04:17):
Oh good, He'll be out any minute.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
It's almost time for his morning vocal exercises are.
Speaker 7 (04:24):
Here.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
We are roaming the hill.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I roll me, I rolled ere.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Oom lo here the gentle lot Agnes go ahead, Ah.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Good morning, mister montaguell What was that?
Speaker 5 (04:48):
Edwin? Agnes was saying? Good morning?
Speaker 8 (04:51):
Is that what that sound was? I thought the city
was widening the street?
Speaker 5 (04:58):
Edwin, Agnes brings breakfast.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
See what I mean? Honey? It's dog eat dog dog.
Speaker 5 (05:04):
Good?
Speaker 8 (05:05):
What a welcome change from her usual breakfast ed.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
When curved dawn, Agnes is making an effort to get
along with you. Agnes serving is breakfast.
Speaker 8 (05:16):
Here it comes my morning boat with Lucretia boarder.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
How do you want your eggs? Sunny side upper? In
your face?
Speaker 1 (05:28):
All right?
Speaker 8 (05:29):
Miss Tolmain scaped back to your garbage can Edwin?
Speaker 5 (05:34):
Don she's trying to be nice.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Here's your eggs, mister Montague.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
See Edwin, she called you, mister Montague.
Speaker 8 (05:42):
Must she make it sound like a dirty would.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
Here?
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Edwin eat your eggs?
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Cad? What a messy sight? Just because the eggs were
laid by a plymouth rock.
Speaker 8 (05:57):
Must they look as if a pilgrim just pulled his
foot out of them.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Look, they're just eggs. I buy them, fry them, and
serve them from there on. Take it up with a.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Chicken, Edwin, eat your eggs.
Speaker 4 (06:15):
What's wrong now?
Speaker 8 (06:17):
Nothing like this? Congratulations you discovered a new plastic.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
When he gets a load of the toast, here's your toast,
mister Monague, stand back.
Speaker 8 (06:30):
Honey, mammy, little baby loves buttered shingles.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
You take these clickers away.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
No, no, they're just a little brown brown.
Speaker 8 (06:48):
This toast is so badly burnt. I'm sure I can
collect insurance on.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
It, all right, Agnes his coffee here, I'm afraid of
still hot.
Speaker 5 (07:02):
Oho legend.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
What's the matter, Lily, don't touch that coffee? Have it analyzed? Oh?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Edwin, stop being so picky. So what if the coffee
happens to be a mite strong?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Lily?
Speaker 9 (07:15):
I don't mind strong coffee, but I do not like
it when it comes out of the cup swinging.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
I don't know what he's beefing about. You liked the
coffee yesterday, and it's the same grounds.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
And when you have a broadcast today, you can't go
hungry hungry.
Speaker 8 (07:35):
The minute I look at that dirty apron she's wearing
my appetites.
Speaker 6 (07:38):
Gone dirty apron, My dear like this.
Speaker 8 (07:41):
Let's face it, there are more nutritious vitamins on your
apron than I've had all months.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
Maybe you want me to serve your breakfast and myself, Kimona.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The one that says golden glove on the back.
Speaker 5 (08:04):
Now stop it and I'll stop it both of you.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
Why are we wasting all this time with his breakfast?
Why don't I just go into his bedroom every morning
with a whip and of chaan throwma hunk at me?
Speaker 8 (08:16):
Oh oh, please spare me the sight of you when
I first opened my eyes.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Those hair curlers on that flat head.
Speaker 8 (08:26):
You look like a roof full of television aerials.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
Why you you singing? You hide me?
Speaker 8 (08:36):
Be it ever so humble. There is no place like
ewol GiMA.
Speaker 5 (08:42):
Edwin, these fights every morning can't go on.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I'm glad you've come to realize it. Agnes has to go.
Speaker 5 (08:49):
Oh, let's not go through that again.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Agnes is a maid. She's supposed to cook and clean.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Now, Edwin, Agnes is very neat.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Very neat. Have you been in my den recently?
Speaker 8 (08:59):
I'm not asking you to take that dirt away, But
if she don't plow it once in a while, Edwin,
you know.
Speaker 5 (09:09):
How you are. She's afraid to go into your.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Den, so am I. It's becoming a game preserve.
Speaker 6 (09:20):
Edwin.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
Stop being ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Lily, I'm serious. She's ruining my health.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Oh but Agnes has been with us for twenty five years,
and she was my wardrobe woman before that.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
We can't just turn Agnes out into the streets.
Speaker 8 (09:33):
We certainly can, although frankly I'd rather wait until there
was a blizzard.
Speaker 5 (09:40):
No, ed When I won't permit it. Why Agnes is
our our good luck piece?
Speaker 9 (09:45):
All right, then let's nail her over the door like
a horse shoeing, Lily, I can't stand it anymore.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Either she goes or I go when maybe we can
work it out.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
No, that's my decision. Get rid of her.
Speaker 5 (10:00):
All these years? How can I do this?
Speaker 8 (10:03):
Give me a year's salary anything, I'm going into my
dad and then when I return, I want this apartment
to be Agnes less.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Agnes.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Yes, honey, Agnes, sit down.
Speaker 5 (10:19):
I'd like to talk to you.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Is blue Beard gone?
Speaker 5 (10:24):
No, he's in the den. Agnes. We've been together a
long time. Haven't we.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yeah, we had a lot of laughs too before you
went and fell for Count Dracula.
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Remember that start company in Cincinnati.
Speaker 4 (10:40):
That guy playing Hamlet making a play for you? He
sure was a piste until I put itching powder in
his tie.
Speaker 5 (10:49):
And remember what happened to the scenery in Omaha.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Please, honey, no more. You're just making it tougher for me,
tougher for you. Yeah. I've been trying to put it.
Speaker 5 (10:59):
Off, but I can't, Agnes, what is it?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Honey, don't try and talk me out of it. I'm quitting.
I'm leaving before I become another notch in.
Speaker 5 (11:06):
His cane, A notch in his cane.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Yeah, didn't you ever notice them? Four notches in his cane,
One for every person he's giving a nervous breakdown to.
I'm getting while they're Getting's good, But Edges, where would
you go any place where I can relax like a
snake pit. I'm all packed. I'm leaving before I can
change my mind right away. Yeah, honey, you know, I
(11:29):
wish I had one more chance to fix a meal
for him. I got an idea for a casserole that
would make you a free woman.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
Oh, Agnes, Oh miss you so Oh.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Don't worry. I'll keep in touch with you so long, Honey, goodbye, Agnes.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Did I hear the front door slam?
Speaker 9 (11:55):
Was that wonderful, wonderful sound, Agnes making her final exit
from my.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
Yes, Sir, Agnes is gone. She went of her own accord.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
It's too bad. I was hoping we'd have to use force, Edwin.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
How can you say things like that.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Hellily, Agnes is gone.
Speaker 8 (12:13):
Look the sun is shining through the dirty windows.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Listen, my heart is seeing. I'm a boy again.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Kiss me the leg, Oh, Edwin, Agnes has gone.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
All it took was getting Agnes out of the house.
I'm a new man.
Speaker 5 (12:27):
Here's your coat, little sunbeam. You have to get your
radio broadcast.
Speaker 8 (12:32):
Now for a wonderful afternoon with my good friends and
colleagues at the radio station. Lily, I never like to
mention my competitors, but life can be beautiful.
Speaker 9 (12:51):
Well, look, sensor, you're the director of the Uncle Good
Heart program.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's your duty to talent.
Speaker 6 (12:56):
Let's just bring here the producer. It's up to you
to mister Montague, our sensor.
Speaker 9 (13:02):
Just come out and tell him that entertain's program Uncle
Good Heart for friends, a homeless Airdale, and the sponsor
insists he work with a live dog.
Speaker 7 (13:10):
A live dog. He doesn't even like to work with
live people. Mister Springer, I have a wife and four children.
Speaker 9 (13:18):
You tell him, just tell him. The Airdale licks his
face a few times and he kisses it back.
Speaker 7 (13:24):
Oh, no, censor your coward, mister Springer.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
I've never denied that. Please you tell him, I.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Do it, Zinser.
Speaker 9 (13:37):
But I just get into another argument with him.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
He never argues with you.
Speaker 9 (13:41):
I know.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
He just hits me now, looks insir, sh.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Here it comes now you tell him.
Speaker 6 (13:49):
About the dog.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Ah, mister goodenough to do.
Speaker 6 (13:54):
Don't hit me?
Speaker 8 (13:57):
Hit you Zinza, my friend, I'm only holding out my
hand to shift yours.
Speaker 6 (14:03):
Oh yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
My dear friend, mister Springer, how are you fine? Fine?
A little busy?
Speaker 6 (14:08):
Mister Sinsa.
Speaker 9 (14:09):
Will explain a few minor points about today's Uncle Good
Heart program, and.
Speaker 8 (14:12):
Don't rush Offspringer. Well, Sinsa, what have you imps devised
for your.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Old uncle to do this afternoon?
Speaker 6 (14:20):
Wow?
Speaker 7 (14:21):
Well, mister Montague, it's the sponsor's idea. A friendless Airdale
comes to your cottage and you take him in.
Speaker 8 (14:32):
But naturally, Uncle good Heart and man's best friend.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Beautiful thought.
Speaker 6 (14:39):
We're using a live dog.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Excellent, He lets.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
Your face and you kiss him back.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
What a scene, stark realism, Oh, Sinsa, we're going to give.
Speaker 8 (14:51):
Our lists both barrels today a live dog.
Speaker 9 (14:54):
I tried to get the sponsor to use an animal imitator.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Ah, Springer, that's where you're wrong. Where's your imagination, your
sense of the dramatic.
Speaker 8 (15:03):
But I'll forgive you if you will give me the
name of your tailor, my tailor. I've always envied your
immaculate appearance, your beautiful clothes.
Speaker 9 (15:11):
Really, I always pride myself on being well dressed. I
have a little tailor on twenty fourth Street, if you
wish me to make an appointment for you, the most
kind of your Springer?
Speaker 6 (15:21):
How terrible and tall?
Speaker 10 (15:22):
Mister Montague and zins out here, Cinsa.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
I was always saying to missus Montague this morning. Why
don't we see more of mister Zinza.
Speaker 6 (15:41):
You want to see more of meter?
Speaker 8 (15:43):
Oh, I'm peeved at you, mister Zinsa. You are You've
never asked us out to your home. I've never met
your family.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
We live in the Bronx.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
H the Bronx haven't been there since the boy uncle
had a farm there.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
If you'd like to come to dinner, sir, that's super
the Bronx.
Speaker 8 (16:07):
It would do lily and be a will good to
get out of the city.
Speaker 7 (16:14):
But mister Montague, I better warn you. I have four children.
Speaker 8 (16:18):
Oh you most fortunate of men. All the blessings of
a happy home. Cinza I too, now, for the first
time in twenty five years, have a happy home.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Then we're invited.
Speaker 7 (16:29):
Well, gee, mister Montague, I never expected.
Speaker 6 (16:32):
How about tomorrow.
Speaker 7 (16:33):
Night, it's a date gae Wellaker's boy. My wife can
make meatballs.
Speaker 5 (16:38):
Meatballs.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Somebody must have told you they're my favorite.
Speaker 6 (16:41):
You're honest. Oh here he is, mister Montague. There Dale,
that's going to work with you.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Say hello to mister Montague. Wade off. Look he's giving
me his paw a little doggy is woo.
Speaker 7 (17:06):
Oh my, isn't that the cutest thing?
Speaker 6 (17:08):
Ain't offers looking mister Montague's f.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Ooh it tickles.
Speaker 9 (17:20):
A happy days ahead for all of us.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
We'll be back with a magnificent molegule in just a moment. Now,
let's hear from a very good friend of yours.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
This is Bob hope. Can we steal a second?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Say, Bob, did you notice there's a new Chesterfield poster
of you around town?
Speaker 11 (17:47):
Yeah? I saw him in a drug store the other day.
I'm dressed up as Santa Claus.
Speaker 9 (17:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
And you're holding a carton of Chesterfields with a picture
of being you know who dressed up as Santa Claus.
And you're saying for Christmas gifts. Here's the answer, Yep,
Crosby for Christmas.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Bob.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Seriously, why did they make Crosby Papa Santa Claus and
the Christmas cart instead of you?
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Well?
Speaker 11 (18:03):
Hi, By tradition, Santa Claus is no man, yes, always
carrying a sack full.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Well, in all fairness to Being Bob, I must say,
it's a very attractive gift, and as.
Speaker 11 (18:15):
Packed with two hundreds of those always milder Chesterfields, which
make as fine a gift as anyone could give or
anyone could get. And folks, if you want to prove that,
just for yourself, make that Chesterfield mildness test.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Open them, smell them, compare them, and smoke them.
Speaker 12 (18:28):
Chesterfield Chesterfield always been first planking that milder mild to
that don't ever leasen after.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Taste so open up pack, give him a smell.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
You smoke them.
Speaker 11 (18:40):
See you Tuesday night, folks for Chesterfield.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Time, and I'll back to the magnificent Montague. It is
the next morning. In the now Happy, Happy Montague apartment,
Lily and the new maid are ready for Montague's first
breakfast under the new regime.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Oh, by the way, Sarah, Yes, Missus Montague, my husband
and I are going to Bronx for dinner tonight the Zienses,
so don't cook tonight.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 12 (19:11):
Oh, Missus Montague. Do you think Uncle, i mean, mister Montague.
Speaker 5 (19:15):
Will like me. Oh no, don't be nervous. Oh you're
shaking working.
Speaker 4 (19:20):
For uncle good heart. I'm one of his.
Speaker 5 (19:23):
Biggest fans that will do it.
Speaker 12 (19:27):
On his program yesterday when he took the sliver out
of that dog's paw and he bandaged the.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Little Paul and then little dog lit his face.
Speaker 5 (19:40):
He's such a good man. No, no, no, Sarah, or
your nose is getting read. I'm sorry. Yes, I think
he's coming.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
He's sick.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
I'll call doctor Sarah back.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
He's just vocalizing. He's an actor.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Lily, who is this angel in white by Edwin?
Speaker 5 (20:09):
This is our new maid, Sarah.
Speaker 8 (20:11):
Sarah the divine Sarah, oh Lila, call her off before
she leaks through to the apartment.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Downstairs, ed when she's overcome with happiness. She's one of
your listeners.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Come now, Sarah, we must be brave. Bring my breakfast.
Speaker 5 (20:34):
Yes, Uncle Edwin.
Speaker 8 (20:37):
She is sweet, naturally after Agnes Lizzie Borden, the axe
killer of Paul River, would be sweet.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
I'm hungry.
Speaker 8 (20:46):
I've been waiting twenty five years to have one breakfast
not prepared by Agnes.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Is your orange juice?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
Sir?
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Thank you, Sarah Edwin.
Speaker 5 (20:55):
What's the matter with it?
Speaker 8 (20:56):
What kind of orange juice is this? Agnes never made
it like this. There are no seeds in it.
Speaker 5 (21:02):
Far quiet, Sarah.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
He's not used to orange juice like that. Now take
it back to the kitchen, put some seeds in it
and warm it up.
Speaker 13 (21:16):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Here are your eggs, sir, eggs?
Speaker 8 (21:21):
This wet mass of goo or eggs?
Speaker 14 (21:25):
When you shut up, Edwin, Edwin's shame on you. This
is our new May, the new May. This is Rudolph
the red nose reindeer.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
A red nose reindeer.
Speaker 12 (21:42):
I quit now, Sarah, Uncle good heart, I'll never believe
another thing I hear on the radio again, not.
Speaker 5 (21:51):
Even the weather? Another one gone?
Speaker 8 (21:58):
And who have you next on the list? Typhoid?
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Marry Edwin?
Speaker 5 (22:04):
What's come over you?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
And just getting smart? Lily? I catch on, catch on, Lily,
I'm on your little plan.
Speaker 8 (22:11):
You hand picked that white apron monstrosity to make life
miserable for me miserable.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
You're taking revenge for my getting rid of Agnes Edwin.
Speaker 5 (22:19):
You're getting impossible.
Speaker 8 (22:20):
Yes, impossible, a fool, your snider, little trick.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
Snider, little tricks Edwin. What's happened? We're having our first fight.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Let's bring it all out into the open.
Speaker 8 (22:32):
I took you out of those musicals and made you
a dramatic actress for what.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
So you could steal scenes from me?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Edwin? Montague? You were, you are, you always will be.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
A hand Lily. That is one word I forbid in
my home.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
You're a home.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I have a broadcast to do. Where's my hat?
Speaker 6 (23:02):
Haha?
Speaker 9 (23:03):
Montague Springer, take your dirty hands off my sleep. Dirty
but I just wanted to tell you I made an
appointment for you.
Speaker 6 (23:10):
With my tailor.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
You have a tailor? You mean human hands?
Speaker 8 (23:14):
Actually put together those gunny sacks you wear.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
What mister Montague, my taylor, I wouldn't let him make
my shroud.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
You would come out with a belt in the back.
Speaker 7 (23:28):
But mister pat there, mister Montague, I wrote out the
directions how to get to my house, how to get
where were dinner tonight at my house in the bronx.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
My dear demented friend. I wouldn't be caught dead in
the bronx.
Speaker 6 (23:44):
But you were coming to dinner.
Speaker 7 (23:46):
My wife made twenty five pounds of meatballs.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Round up the children, I hope.
Speaker 7 (23:54):
Mister Montague, that's the most horrible thing I ever heard.
Speaker 6 (23:57):
In my life.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Thank you in the thank you? Are you gonna have
a rehearsal here today?
Speaker 6 (24:03):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Here comes my little friend Adolf.
Speaker 6 (24:08):
Take this.
Speaker 8 (24:12):
Is everybody happy?
Speaker 1 (24:24):
Lily, Lily, Lily, are.
Speaker 6 (24:27):
You home here?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I am, Edward.
Speaker 5 (24:30):
Sorry, I'm not out of your house yet. But there
was a lot of package.
Speaker 8 (24:35):
Lily put down those suitcases and stopped putting on this
second act curtain, the backstreet gudge.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
It was never your strongest point.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
Ed when I'm leaving you, what did I do?
Speaker 9 (24:46):
Now?
Speaker 5 (24:46):
Edwin? Stop this after that scene this morning, Lily.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Don't go please.
Speaker 5 (24:52):
Edward what's happened to you?
Speaker 3 (24:54):
You were always impossible, but this is impossible.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I know it, Lily. I can't help it.
Speaker 8 (25:01):
I've been going around insulting people, making everybody miserable.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I even kicked little aid Doll. Lily, I know what's
wrong with me?
Speaker 6 (25:10):
So do I? You do?
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Get her back, Lily, Get Agnes back.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
It's too late.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
She was my escape valve.
Speaker 9 (25:19):
Without Agnes to pick out. I'm frustrated.
Speaker 5 (25:22):
I became your whipping girl instead of Agnes.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
She was the only one who would strike back. Get Agnes.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
It's too late. She's with a very fine family. You
don't think she'd come back to be tormented by you.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Who's that, Edwin?
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Go to your den. That's Agnes, Agnes, she called. She
still has some clothes to take away.
Speaker 8 (25:42):
I'll go, Lily, plead with her, get her to come back.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
I wouldn't do that to her. Edwin. You go to
your den. You've caused her enough trouble.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
Come in, hello, honey, Agnes.
Speaker 5 (25:56):
How's the new job? That? People are?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Wonderful? Beautiful room with the television said? It's Agnes. Can
we give you this?
Speaker 6 (26:01):
Agnes?
Speaker 4 (26:02):
Can we bring you that? This morning? I sneezed that
brought me breakfast in bed? Really, honey, it's driving me nothing.
Nobody insults me. I got nobody to else back.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Yet then I got a.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Right to be human. I'm like a piece of furniture.
They've got no status.
Speaker 13 (26:21):
At least with Morning you had a place that was
his enemy. Oh but you are after twenty five years
with monitor, who can stand quiet? Those smiles and affection
they give me it makes me sick.
Speaker 4 (26:36):
Honey, let me come back here.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Or Agnes, welcome, whome Edwin the lady you call?
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oh hello, Agnes.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Hello, mister Montague Edwin, Agnes has come back to us.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yes, so you came crawling back on you like a
whipped thought.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
It was you that drew me back here. I could
fly to a garbage dumber.
Speaker 6 (27:13):
Edwin.
Speaker 4 (27:14):
Ed Why that big bubble head?
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Oh right, aness, Lily put her back on the leash, Edwin.
Speaker 8 (27:21):
Please, if miss Dutchkins thinks she's gonna start throwing her
weight around here again, she's a cand Lily. Look at
the time, the time. Yes, we're due at the Zinzas
for dinner.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Home, Sweet home, ladies and gentlemen. America's newest car, the
(27:52):
Fine you. Ford for nineteen fifty one is now on
display at your neighborhood for dealers, and when you see it,
you'll find an inside and out in every detail of
design and construction, the nineteen fifty one Ford reflects true
fine car quality, and in addition, it offers forty three
look ahead features designed to keep the fifty one Ford
(28:13):
young in appearance and young in performance. For example, there's
Ford's smart luxury lounge interiors with their exclusive color harmonized
Ford Craft fabrics. There's the new automatic ride control that
automatically adjusts spring reaction to the type of road to
give you a level ride, an easy ride. And there's
the automatic mileage maker that lets you get the last
(28:35):
mile out of every gallon of gasoline for utmost economy.
Visit your Ford dealers soon and see the nineteen fifty
one Ford yourself. You'll agree you can pay more, but
you can't buy better. Join us again next Friday for
another transcribed visit with a magnificent Montague starring Marty Woolli,
created and directed by Matt Hyken, written by Matt Hiken
(28:57):
and Billy Friedberg, and Seymour was aim Pert. Kelton was
Agnes also heard on tonight's program with Johnny Gibson Hart, Connie,
John Griggs, Pat Hossley, and Frank Malono. This is Don
Pardo saying stay tuned for Duffy's Tavern, which follows immediately
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