February 17, 2026 • 28 mins
What questions are you carrying that you haven't asked out loud? And what is not asking them costing you?
We ask questions for a living. But what about the ones we don't ask?
In this episode, hosts Dr. Patti Fletcher, Lynne Cuppernull, and Dan Ward get honest about the questions they avoid. They talk about why we skip certain questions: we're afraid of the answer, we don't want to do the work that follows, we're worried about crossing a boundary, or sometimes we just don't think to ask.
They each share questions they've been carrying. Dan talks about not asking for help or feedback. Patti examines the questions women in their 50s face about defining life on their own terms instead of through roles they play for others. Lynne shares questions she's afraid to ask about politics and her kids' experience of divorce.
The conversation covers personal territory and bigger questions. When does avoiding a question protect you versus hold you back? Where do you feel unasked questions in your body? How do you create environments where people can actually ask hard things? Is asking questions an anti-authoritarian act?
They also look at AI's role in how we ask (or don't ask) questions. Are we using it to go deeper, or to avoid going deeper? What makes human conversation different when it comes to the questions that matter?
This episode won't make hard questions easy. But it might make asking them less hard.
Key Themes:
- The psychology and physiology of avoided questions
- Creating environments where questions can be asked safely
- The difference between waiting for the right moment and avoiding indefinitely
- Question-asking as anti-authoritarian practice
- How AI enables or prevents deeper questioning
- Making it easier to ask hard questions without making them less hard
Resources We Found Helpful:
Books & Research:
- On Tyranny, by Timothy Snyder
- Internal Family Systems therapy information
- The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace by Amy Edmondson
- The Right Kind of Wrong: The Science of Failing Well by Amy Edmonson
Referenced Media:
- Blue Bloods (CBS) and it's spin-off, mentioned in this episode, Boston Blue (CBS) for the portrayal of family dinner conversations as a space for difficult dialogue
Practices Mentioned:
- Reflection practices for identifying avoided questions
- Somatic awareness when questions arise
- Mindfulness techniques: asking "Am I safe now?" and "What do I need?"
- The coaching move: responding to questions with "What do you think?"
Listening for the Questions is where curiosity is our compass.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Patti (00:14):
Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to Listening forthe Questions.
I'm Dr.
Patty Fletcher.
I'm a recovering C-suiteexecutive from Big Tech.
I'm a leadership futuristworking at the intersection of
people, business, technology,and data.
And I'm a best-selling author.
Lynne (00:31):
And I'm Lane Cupperdoll.
I'm mixing things up today withmy intro.
Two of my superpowers are askingquestions rooted in curiosity
and interest in other people,and then very carefully
listening to the answers beforeI ask another question.
And I can't wait to jump intotoday's topic.
Dan (00:49):
Dan Ward here.
I'm an engineer and militarytechnologist.
I'm also an author, a juggler,and a punk.
And whoa, this episode is goingto be a ride, you guys, because
today's topic is avoiding thequestions.
So it's going to be all aboutthe questions we don't ask or
don't want to ask.
So let's start there with a fewquestions for everybody to think
about.
First, are there questions we'reavoiding?
(01:12):
And if so, what are they?
And then why do we avoid them?
And finally, what would happenif we started asking them?
Patti (01:20):
Oh my gosh.
Okay, everybody, um, those areall the questions for today.
That's all she wrote.
Thanks for listening.
We'll catch you on the flipside.
Lynne (01:28):
Oh my god, Patty.
Maybe we're not done quite yet,but I see what you did there,
and it's hilarious.
And it's also true.
How often do we avoid askingquestions that we probably
should ask and then pretend likewe didn't avoid them?
And then how often do we avoidasking questions about the
(01:49):
questions we're avoiding?
Oh my God, we're so meta rightnow.
Patti (01:54):
Len, are you gonna ask me the meaning of life?
Um I think we're going down thatpath.
You know, as as we were talkingabout like different questions,
you know, we we always thinkabout the source, right?
Everything's when we in ourpodcast, we go back to kind of
intent and who who is thisbenefiting, who is it not
(02:15):
benefiting, right?
And this question really digsdeep on that.
And so when I'm avoiding aquestion, am I like trying to
fool the people around me by notbringing it up?
Or am I trying to fool myself?
Dan (02:29):
All right, so let's pull that thread for a minute.
When we're avoiding something,how aware are we of our own
avoidance?
Or maybe like, how could we bemore aware of the questions
we're not asking and morethoughtful about our decision to
not ask them?
Lynne (02:44):
Hmm, Dan, yes, yes, and I think you've just identified
reflection practices that wemight want to think about, how
we build those into everydaylife.
And I'm also picking up anassumption that I want to ask
about.
Is it always bad to avoid askinga question?
(03:05):
Are there some questions weshould avoid?
How do we identify those andwhat are they?
Dan (03:10):
Oh, right, right.
So when does a question becomelike appropriately avoidable?
So what makes something a goodquestion to not ask?
Like a good question to eitherjust hold on to or a good
question to skip entirely, asopposed to the questions we're
avoiding even though weshouldn't.
Lynne (03:27):
It's like all swirling around in my head right now.
And I'm also, I'm like, be I'mreally physically aware of
what's happening.
So it's swirling around in myhead, but I'm also physically
aware of what's happening withmy body, uh, which is, you know,
the somatic implications ofholding on to an unasked
question.
(03:48):
I mean, I think that's coming upeven when we don't actively
realize we're avoiding asking aquestion.
Where do we feel the weight ofan unasked question in our
bodies?
Dan (04:00):
Lynn, I love that question about our bodies, and that makes
me think of how our bodies existin time.
And that makes me wonder aboutthe time dimension of all of
this.
How can we tell when we'reavoiding a question versus just
waiting for the right moment toask it?
Patti (04:14):
I am sitting here surprisingly quiet because I am
really listening to, you know,the both of you, and the three
of us are in the business ofasking questions, right?
That is what we do for a living.
I love the time dimension,right?
I love the what questions, Ilove the why questions, but
there's the human component, andthat's the who.
(04:36):
Like there are some questionsthat I don't want to even ask
myself, right?
Because it might take me down apath.
And then there are otherquestions I don't want to ask
because it might be seen as, youknow, brutally honest and not
everyone likes that and can takeit.
Um, or it's something where Iknow it might cross a boundary
for somebody or make them thinkdifferently of me, right?
(04:58):
So it's that that who thing, Ithink, is something that I would
want to ask about.
Dan (05:04):
Patty, I love the who question and the people that we
ask questions of or don't askquestions of, to include
ourselves.
And I'm also wondering like, dowe sometimes just not think to
ask the question?
Maybe that's just me?
Like, maybe we're notconsciously avoiding the
question, but we're also notseeking it out either, right?
So what if the reason we didn'task the question is just that it
(05:28):
didn't occur to us to ask?
And does that make thingsdifferent?
Lynne (05:32):
Yes, yes, it does.
I'm answering your question,Dan.
And I think that's where thepractice of answering questions
comes in.
And I I emphasize the wordpractice because it is something
that takes practice uh to askhelpful, open-ended questions.
(05:54):
And so, would we avoid questionsless if we practiced asking them
more?
Like if we get into the practiceof asking curious questions,
maybe we end up avoiding fewerof them.
So I'm gonna practice right now.
Dan, Patty, what question haveyou been carrying that you
(06:15):
haven't asked out loud?
And what has not asking it costyou?
Dan (06:22):
Lynn, you know, I saw that question in the prep notes.
Uh, and listeners, we do puttogether prep notes for these
calls, so we have some sense ofwhat we're gonna talk about.
And when I came to this part, itit took me a while to come up
with something.
Uh I had a moment where my brainjust went blank and I couldn't
think of a question that I'm notasking.
But I stuck with it, and then Icame up with several more than I
ended up writing down.
(06:43):
So uh here's a few.
I think I often don't ask forhelp.
Uh, and by not asking for help,that can cost me my own energy
because I end up doing the thingmyself.
It also costs me the opportunityto bring someone in and work
together.
No, in a business setting, it'shard for me to ask those closer
questions, like, are you readyto sign the contract?
(07:03):
Phew, that's a hard one to ask.
And that costs me business.
And then as a writer, you know,asking for feedback on the
writing is hard.
I'm better at it now than I thanI used to be, but I do tend to
carry that question for a whilebefore I ask it.
And not asking for feedback doescost me the chance to make the
thing better.
Patti (07:23):
I I'm so happy Dan went first.
Um, so I too looked at yourquestion, Lynn, and you know I'm
gonna end with asking you thequestion.
Um, and really struggled becausethe truth is, and I I'd really
love for our listeners to askthemselves that question, right?
Or those two questions.
What have you been carrying?
(07:45):
That a question that you avoidasking yourself, and then what
has been the cost?
I think that second thing isreally important.
Um, and so, you know, for me, Ithink there are things around
feedback.
I don't always want it.
Um, especially if I know that Ididn't do a great job on a
(08:06):
stage, for example, or you know,I don't feel good about my
performance.
And Dan, you and I are bothauthors, right?
And I don't always want feedbackbecause quite frankly, I don't
want to spend the time to changethings.
Um, so and the implications ofthat are I'm not getting better,
right?
I'm not investing my energy ingetting better.
(08:27):
That's a personality thing forme.
Once I finish something, whetherit succeeds or fails, I tend to
move on before the thing ends.
So it's usually Dan that bringsup women.
I'm gonna do it right now.
So I'm 56 years old, right?
Lynn and I are in the, and Danand I are all in the same age
group.
And when you become like in your50s as a woman, your life really
(08:48):
changes.
You start to, if you'refortunate enough, you start to
move from having a life definedby the role you play in the
lives of others to one where yourealize it is what is the role
you play in your own life?
And you stop there.
You literally stop there, not sothat you can play a better role
in someone's life, you literallyjust stop there.
(09:10):
And that would be the question Ihave a hard time asking myself,
and because it's so against howI've been conditioned as a woman
and you know, as an Armenian andall of those things.
And then the implications areabsolutely, I'm investing my
energy in the wrong place,right?
I'm I'm not putting, I can'tstand putting on my oxygen mask
(09:32):
thing, but you get it.
So, so that would be that wouldbe my kind of big existential
question.
But Lynn, how about you?
What questions have you notasked out loud?
And what is that not askingcosting you?
Lynne (09:45):
So, so like Dan, at first I was like, oh none.
And then I then there was likean obvious one that came to
mind.
I wrote that one down, and thenthere were some less obvious
ones.
So I'll just share them becauseI think you know, I I tend to
wear the vulnerability hat onthis podcast.
Um, the first one was I wouldlike to ask some people, why did
(10:06):
you vote for the currentpresident?
And I think I what's that it'scosting me to not ask that is
I've just make up all this stuffin my head about why.
And then I just get angrier andangrier, and it's like this this
loop of uh fury.
So that's that's what it'scosting me.
I think about asking my kids whowere pretty young when I got
(10:32):
divorced, um, you know, whatwhat did your dad and I not
saying married, what what effectdid that really have on you?
Uh because I'm afraid of theanswer.
But I think anyway, now it's outthere.
Maybe this will be the maybethis will be what gets my kids
to listen to the podcast.
Patti (10:50):
So, so Lynn, I can't imagine they wouldn't.
Um, just like my kids, wheneverthey listen, I they always know
they can shut me off.
Um, so which is something theydon't get in real life.
But you know, Lynn, I just wantto thank you for being
vulnerable and going first to bevulnerable because I I was able
to have conversations with mytwo daughters over the last few
months, right?
So I was always on an airplane,I was always working, and I
(11:12):
worked from home and I wasn'ttraveling, and even when I was
home, my mind was alwayssomewhere else.
And I knew that.
And my girls that stay-at-homedads were not popular, right?
When when um they were beingreared, and you know, my husband
was a stay-at-home dad.
And so I asked both of them,they're both in their 20s, what
was it like to be my daughter?
(11:34):
Right?
What was it like?
And I wanted the honest answersbecause I was never really able
to have that conversation with,I was with my mom, but not with
my dad.
And you know, you can spend alifetime of therapy trying to
like overcome what you wentthrough in childhood.
And the thing is, it was not forme to make up excuses, it was
not for me to defend, right?
(11:56):
It was me just going, I'm readyfor that answer.
I am ready for that answerbecause it's important that they
are able to be able to releasethe answer, right?
And I'm not sure they wouldbring that up.
And so, you know, listening toyou both, I'm just wondering,
like, what is it about somequestions that make them so
(12:18):
scary, right?
Like, what are we afraid tolearn?
Or what are we afraid mighthappen next?
And, you know, are we justafraid to have the answer to
like that question, have to doit ourselves?
Like, why are we avoidingquestions we don't want to
answer?
Dan (12:36):
Yeah, I was just gonna add, I mean, what a beautiful and
vulnerable set of questions thatyou both shared.
Man, if I thought asking forfeedback on writing was hard,
uh, asking for feedback onparenting and life experiences,
and boy, that that is a muchdeeper level of question, right?
And you know, I think there's awide range of reasons why people
(12:57):
don't ask those kinds ofquestions, uh, ranging from I
didn't think to ask it, to it'shard and I didn't want to hear
the answer, or it might lead tosome work, or it might open up
to other questions.
So yeah, I just want to saybravo to you both for sharing
both of those questions.
And um I'm just glad to be alongfor the ride on this one for
(13:19):
sure.
Lynne (13:19):
Thanks, Dan.
We're glad you're on the ride.
Um and and so this wholeconversation has also made me
think about so if we're notasking a question, what are we
doing instead?
Right?
What are we replacing thatquestion we've avoided asking
with?
Certainty, sometimes, control,humor.
(13:43):
I see that a lot, I do that alot.
Um, so are we really justchanging the subject instead of
asking a question that mightneed to be asked because we're
just too uncomfortable or afraidof what the answer is going to
be?
Patti (13:56):
I love that.
I just want to jump in, right?
Because we have a lot ofbusiness people who um who
listen in, a lot of leaders.
And, you know, it really wonderthe environment to ask
questions.
And that's something I work withleaders a lot.
Are you creating an environmentto ask questions, right?
And so Amy Edmondson's work,right?
Psychological safety has been abig deal.
(14:18):
And so when, you know, what welearn in her books are what are
the conditions, right?
Around the questions you'reallowed, those un unwritten
rules, right?
They're questions you're umgonna avoid asking.
And by the way, that's what it'slike in lots of families,
including my own, right?
Like, you know, my extendedfamily.
There are just certain thingsyou don't ask, is what I was
(14:40):
told growing up, right?
And, you know, Lynn, you broughtit up, so I'm gonna pull the
thread on we live in anenvironment that no longer
represents the democracy wethought we lived in over here in
the US.
And that's sending implications,you know, everywhere.
So I'm I'm just struggling togo.
Would I even be able to ask aquestion in an authoritarian
(15:00):
environment without risking mypersonal safety psychologically
and physically, and everythingin between?
Dan (15:08):
Yeah.
And then if authoritarianenvironments are kind of
anti-question or not open toquestions or don't allow certain
questions, that makes me wonderif asking questions is an
anti-fascist move.
Like, is asking good questionsout loud, boldly, creatively,
curiously, compassionately, isthat an effective strategy to
(15:31):
counter an authoritarianenvironment or a component of a
strategy, maybe?
Lynne (15:37):
I know we can't answer questions, but yes, yes.
Dan.
Patti (15:42):
That's why we need investigative journalism.
Yes.
Lynne (15:46):
It is an effective strategy.
And I think that's what we'retrying to foster in the with
this podcast is the umcuriosity, the openness, the
willingness to ask thosequestions, whether or not you do
it as part of an anti-fasciststrategy, or you're just doing
(16:07):
it to educate yourself more, uh,to avoid disinformation.
I think it is a super effectivestrategy.
And since I answered thatquestion, now I'm thinking about
answers.
So sometimes is answering aquestion, is that a way to avoid
it?
Like when a politician gives adishonest answer or more likely
(16:32):
deflects the question by notreally answering at all and just
doing a bunch of hand-wavystuff.
Is that a form of avoiding thequestion?
And and how do we distinguish?
That's answers, but then how dowe distinguish between a
question we might be asking thatcould be destructive versus one
that is generative?
Dan (16:51):
Lynn, I think that's a terrific question about how do
answers shut down theconversation sometimes.
And I think that goes back tothe core of this whole podcast.
And uh, you know, it reminds me,I had a boss one time whose
favorite phrase seemed to bedon't go there.
He was always saying, Oh, don'tgo there.
Don't don't ask that question,don't bring that topic up.
And over and over again, andI've never met anybody who used
(17:14):
that phrase quite so frequently.
And looking back, I see howscared he must have been by
truth, by questions, byexploring things, by people, you
know, by by sunlight, really.
And I see how controlling hewas.
I felt it at the time.
I didn't have the language todescribe what was going on.
I was still fairly junior.
And I wonder now what that endedup costing our team in terms of
(17:38):
what we learned, ourprofessional growth, as well as
just the team's ability to dothe job when we're being
actively discouraged from askingquestions.
So, Patty, back to your questionor your framing of business and
executives and leaders, what doyou do when the boss's favorite
phrase is, don't go there?
And at the risk of answering aquestion, I think the answer
(17:59):
might be, yeah, ask thequestions.
Patti (18:02):
I I love that.
It reminds me of, and I mighthave mentioned this in previous
podcasts, um, when my parentswould go to parent-teacher
conferences from a very, youknow, young age.
I was the annoying one who wasalways raising my hand and
asking questions of theteachers, and they would
complain to my parents about it.
And, you know, it never reallyunderstood that.
(18:23):
I felt embarrassed by asking somany questions, right?
I was made to feel ashamed.
And, you know, it wasn't myfather would be like, well,
that's your job.
Like, let her ask questions andhelp her.
She's not asking you to answerthem, right?
But help her figure it out.
And, you know, very gratefularound that.
You know, when we think aboutthose hard questions we ask in
(18:45):
business to our leaders, howshould we be thinking about
asking those questions, right?
What does it look like to beable to ask a question
spectively from a whoperspective?
And it's kind of the truth hurtskind of thing.
And I think we're all afraid ofwhat we're gonna hear.
But that brings me to where I'dlove to take this conversation,
and no one's gonna be surprisedwhere it is.
(19:07):
And that is let's talk about thequestions we avoid and where AI
plays in and how we can makequestioning more equitable.
So, you know, look, we many ofus are using AI to ask very
sensitive questions we don'teven trust our therapist to
listen to.
(19:27):
So I guess, you know, I don'tknow if you have used it in
those ways, but do you think AIis helping us avoid them by
making it easier, right?
And then, you know, knowing thatwe're just feeding the beast
every time we're asking it aprompting question, how can we
make sure as individuals that AIis not just enabling our
(19:50):
avoidance?
Dan (19:51):
How do we make sure the AI isn't just enabling our
avoidance, Patty?
I love that question.
Uh, and that sparks an idea thathave you ever asked an AI, what
are the questions I should beasking on this topic?
Or even, hey AI, what questionsam I avoiding on this topic?
Lynne (20:06):
I'm thinking about asking AI about the questions I'm
avoiding.
It'll be interesting to see whatit comes up with.
I feel like AI also, I think ithelps us avoid the questions
more, right?
Because it we put theinformation in, it spits it back
out, and we don't ever have togo deeper.
I I was just on a conversationtoday with people about coaching
(20:29):
and AI, and the question was,you know, what makes a human
conversation, a humaninteraction different from AI?
Like what will always be trueabout this?
And I know, Patty, you wouldtell me we can't say everything
will always be true about AIbecause it'll be different by
tomorrow.
But I think that was thequestion I was left with, right?
(20:50):
Which is, what is it about ahuman interaction that maybe
would help create theconditions, as you were talking
about earlier, Patty?
Create the conditions to help usask those questions we've been
avoiding.
Dan (21:07):
Yeah.
And so Lynn, that reminds me ofa move that you and I both use
in classrooms and workshops thatwe run, where a participant will
ask us a question.
And nine times out of ten, ourresponse is, well, what do you
think?
What does the group think?
We sort of, instead of jumpingto an answer, we turn it around
(21:28):
and say, hey, there's a bunch ofsmart people in this room.
Let's get that humanperspective, that human
response.
And I just don't see that assomething that AI is likely to
do now or even anytime soon asAI gets better.
Because it's such a human moveto say, ooh, this is a great
question.
What do you think?
What do the rest of you think?
(21:48):
Let's explore that together,rather than, oh, you asked this
question.
Well, here's the answer.
Patti (21:54):
Yeah, I mean, are you going to invite AI to dinner?
I like the approach that you twoare taking, and it's so
important.
Important to have a way, aneasier way to ask hard
questions, right?
Instead of answering them, to beable to ask them in as a way to
get people to talk.
And you two know me enough bynow to know I love conflict.
(22:17):
And I'm a straight shooter whenI speak, and I enjoy being
challenged and having the shotsstraight back to me.
Not everybody's like that.
And so a lot of things, thegender work I do and have been
doing for over 25 years, gettingmore money into the hands of
female founders, right?
Getting more women indecision-making rooms and
actually being heard and makingthem, what the pushback I hear
(22:41):
from people who don't like thosetypes of questions are, are you
trying to make it easier forwomen or other underrepresented
populations?
And the answer is no, thosepaths are hard.
That's not what I'm saying.
I just want to make it easierfor them to be able to ask those
questions.
So it's not about I'm listeningto you, and you're not saying
(23:04):
how do we make um hard questionseasier?
You're saying, and what I'veseen in practice is how can we
make it easier to ask thosequestions?
Which of course probably bringsus back to the context in which
those questions are asked.
Dan (23:21):
Yeah, and Patty, you said a really important word there a
minute ago.
Dinner.
You said dinner.
Would you invite AI to dinner?
And I wonder, what is it aboutfood?
What is it about a gatheringaround a table where we have a
meal and maybe a glass or two ofwine that helps us maybe ask the
questions we wouldn't haveasked?
(23:41):
Or maybe that's the place wherewe do avoid the questions, maybe
that's the place where we aresafe enough to begin asking
those questions.
Uh there's this goofy TV show.
I don't know why I watch it.
Boston Blue, uh, policeprocedural.
It's funny, it's goofy.
The thing I love about this showis that regularly the family all
gathers around the table, andthat's where a lot of the actual
(24:04):
drama and action happens, andthey talk to each other, they
listen to each other, they askeach other questions.
So all that says how how do weexplore this possibility of
asking the hard questions, notto make them not hard, but to
ask them, to make the askingless hard.
Uh, I do wonder if dinner ispart of the answer to that.
Lynne (24:21):
I mean, I think it I think it depends on your dinner
table.
It's absolutely a possible placeto make it easier to ask hard
questions.
I I think the other thing thatmight make it easier is to just,
and I talked about this earlier,to pay attention to what you're
feeling when one of thosequestions that you don't want to
(24:44):
ask comes up.
When you feel resistance to aquestion, what is that
resistance trying to protect youfrom?
What might you learn if youlisten to that resistance or
push back against it?
Dan (24:58):
And then what changes when we stop avoiding the question,
when we stop resisting?
How does that change ourselves?
And how does it change ourconnections to the people around
us?
Patti (25:07):
I I love that, you know, I think we can all just point at
triggers, right?
So, Lynn, I really like whatyou're saying, is it's not about
how I feel about the question,it's how being asked it and
pondering the answer feelsinside of me.
And, you know, I think one ofthe things I like and for folks
to look up is um IFS therapy,right?
(25:28):
Interfamily systems.
It's all about how everything iskind of process driven and you
know, one thing leads toanother.
But it's anything where you havethat kind of body reaction,
right?
What if my head's spinning, mystomach feels nauseous, my you
know, all of those things.
It's because it's triggered froma previous experience, right?
(25:49):
And some of them, and then theyget like added on to.
And so really I think that'simportant because that's where
the the avoidance comes.
And also, Dan, just you know,what you're saying is really
important for people to thinkabout, which is um, I am
uncomfortable now, right?
Am I okay with being comfortablenow, knowing that this is just
(26:09):
part of my transformationprocess because that's all it
is.
I'm uncomfortable now.
And so, therefore, what are someof those mindfulness practices
that I could be using, right?
The awareness to presence.
Am I safe now?
Do I have what I need right atthis moment?
And by the way, one of thequestions we shouldn't avoid
(26:30):
asking, perhaps, is and what isit that I need?
Dan (26:34):
And that is a great place to bring us to a close here.
That's our time for today.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
And as promised, whoa, this wasa deep one.
We asked some big questionstoday about the questions we
avoid, trying to understand whenthat happens and why that
happens and what it all means.
Lynne (26:51):
And I love that we ask about what question are you
carrying that you haven't askedout loud, and what is not asking
it costing you.
Patti (27:02):
I love that.
And look, we hope that each ofyou will think about any
questions you're avoiding, andthen be honest and ask yourself
whether it's time to ask them.
Lynne (27:14):
So thanks for listening today, everybody.
Today's episode was sponsored byCuriosity, courage, and
kindness.
They make questions better.
Dan (27:24):
Our music was composed by Jake Covernall.
Patti (27:27):
Our cover art was created by Mad's brain.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to Listening forthe Questions.
I'm Dr.
Patty Fletcher.
I'm a recovering C-suiteexecutive from Big Tech.
I'm a leadership futuristworking at the intersection of
people, business, technology,and data.
And I'm a best-selling author.
Lynne (00:31):
And I'm Lane Cupperdoll.
I'm mixing things up today withmy intro.
Two of my superpowers are askingquestions rooted in curiosity
and interest in other people,and then very carefully
listening to the answers beforeI ask another question.
And I can't wait to jump intotoday's topic.
Dan (00:49):
Dan Ward here.
I'm an engineer and militarytechnologist.
I'm also an author, a juggler,and a punk.
And whoa, this episode is goingto be a ride, you guys, because
today's topic is avoiding thequestions.
So it's going to be all aboutthe questions we don't ask or
don't want to ask.
So let's start there with a fewquestions for everybody to think
about.
First, are there questions we'reavoiding?
(01:12):
And if so, what are they?
And then why do we avoid them?
And finally, what would happenif we started asking them?
Patti (01:20):
Oh my gosh.
Okay, everybody, um, those areall the questions for today.
That's all she wrote.
Thanks for listening.
We'll catch you on the flipside.
Lynne (01:28):
Oh my god, Patty.
Maybe we're not done quite yet,but I see what you did there,
and it's hilarious.
And it's also true.
How often do we avoid askingquestions that we probably
should ask and then pretend likewe didn't avoid them?
And then how often do we avoidasking questions about the
(01:49):
questions we're avoiding?
Oh my God, we're so meta rightnow.
Patti (01:54):
Len, are you gonna ask me the meaning of life?
Um I think we're going down thatpath.
You know, as as we were talkingabout like different questions,
you know, we we always thinkabout the source, right?
Everything's when we in ourpodcast, we go back to kind of
intent and who who is thisbenefiting, who is it not
(02:15):
benefiting, right?
And this question really digsdeep on that.
And so when I'm avoiding aquestion, am I like trying to
fool the people around me by notbringing it up?
Or am I trying to fool myself?
Dan (02:29):
All right, so let's pull that thread for a minute.
When we're avoiding something,how aware are we of our own
avoidance?
Or maybe like, how could we bemore aware of the questions
we're not asking and morethoughtful about our decision to
not ask them?
Lynne (02:44):
Hmm, Dan, yes, yes, and I think you've just identified
reflection practices that wemight want to think about, how
we build those into everydaylife.
And I'm also picking up anassumption that I want to ask
about.
Is it always bad to avoid askinga question?
(03:05):
Are there some questions weshould avoid?
How do we identify those andwhat are they?
Dan (03:10):
Oh, right, right.
So when does a question becomelike appropriately avoidable?
So what makes something a goodquestion to not ask?
Like a good question to eitherjust hold on to or a good
question to skip entirely, asopposed to the questions we're
avoiding even though weshouldn't.
Lynne (03:27):
It's like all swirling around in my head right now.
And I'm also, I'm like, be I'mreally physically aware of
what's happening.
So it's swirling around in myhead, but I'm also physically
aware of what's happening withmy body, uh, which is, you know,
the somatic implications ofholding on to an unasked
question.
(03:48):
I mean, I think that's coming upeven when we don't actively
realize we're avoiding asking aquestion.
Where do we feel the weight ofan unasked question in our
bodies?
Dan (04:00):
Lynn, I love that question about our bodies, and that makes
me think of how our bodies existin time.
And that makes me wonder aboutthe time dimension of all of
this.
How can we tell when we'reavoiding a question versus just
waiting for the right moment toask it?
Patti (04:14):
I am sitting here surprisingly quiet because I am
really listening to, you know,the both of you, and the three
of us are in the business ofasking questions, right?
That is what we do for a living.
I love the time dimension,right?
I love the what questions, Ilove the why questions, but
there's the human component, andthat's the who.
(04:36):
Like there are some questionsthat I don't want to even ask
myself, right?
Because it might take me down apath.
And then there are otherquestions I don't want to ask
because it might be seen as, youknow, brutally honest and not
everyone likes that and can takeit.
Um, or it's something where Iknow it might cross a boundary
for somebody or make them thinkdifferently of me, right?
(04:58):
So it's that that who thing, Ithink, is something that I would
want to ask about.
Dan (05:04):
Patty, I love the who question and the people that we
ask questions of or don't askquestions of, to include
ourselves.
And I'm also wondering like, dowe sometimes just not think to
ask the question?
Maybe that's just me?
Like, maybe we're notconsciously avoiding the
question, but we're also notseeking it out either, right?
So what if the reason we didn'task the question is just that it
(05:28):
didn't occur to us to ask?
And does that make thingsdifferent?
Lynne (05:32):
Yes, yes, it does.
I'm answering your question,Dan.
And I think that's where thepractice of answering questions
comes in.
And I I emphasize the wordpractice because it is something
that takes practice uh to askhelpful, open-ended questions.
(05:54):
And so, would we avoid questionsless if we practiced asking them
more?
Like if we get into the practiceof asking curious questions,
maybe we end up avoiding fewerof them.
So I'm gonna practice right now.
Dan, Patty, what question haveyou been carrying that you
(06:15):
haven't asked out loud?
And what has not asking it costyou?
Dan (06:22):
Lynn, you know, I saw that question in the prep notes.
Uh, and listeners, we do puttogether prep notes for these
calls, so we have some sense ofwhat we're gonna talk about.
And when I came to this part, itit took me a while to come up
with something.
Uh I had a moment where my brainjust went blank and I couldn't
think of a question that I'm notasking.
But I stuck with it, and then Icame up with several more than I
ended up writing down.
(06:43):
So uh here's a few.
I think I often don't ask forhelp.
Uh, and by not asking for help,that can cost me my own energy
because I end up doing the thingmyself.
It also costs me the opportunityto bring someone in and work
together.
No, in a business setting, it'shard for me to ask those closer
questions, like, are you readyto sign the contract?
(07:03):
Phew, that's a hard one to ask.
And that costs me business.
And then as a writer, you know,asking for feedback on the
writing is hard.
I'm better at it now than I thanI used to be, but I do tend to
carry that question for a whilebefore I ask it.
And not asking for feedback doescost me the chance to make the
thing better.
Patti (07:23):
I I'm so happy Dan went first.
Um, so I too looked at yourquestion, Lynn, and you know I'm
gonna end with asking you thequestion.
Um, and really struggled becausethe truth is, and I I'd really
love for our listeners to askthemselves that question, right?
Or those two questions.
What have you been carrying?
(07:45):
That a question that you avoidasking yourself, and then what
has been the cost?
I think that second thing isreally important.
Um, and so, you know, for me, Ithink there are things around
feedback.
I don't always want it.
Um, especially if I know that Ididn't do a great job on a
(08:06):
stage, for example, or you know,I don't feel good about my
performance.
And Dan, you and I are bothauthors, right?
And I don't always want feedbackbecause quite frankly, I don't
want to spend the time to changethings.
Um, so and the implications ofthat are I'm not getting better,
right?
I'm not investing my energy ingetting better.
(08:27):
That's a personality thing forme.
Once I finish something, whetherit succeeds or fails, I tend to
move on before the thing ends.
So it's usually Dan that bringsup women.
I'm gonna do it right now.
So I'm 56 years old, right?
Lynn and I are in the, and Danand I are all in the same age
group.
And when you become like in your50s as a woman, your life really
(08:48):
changes.
You start to, if you'refortunate enough, you start to
move from having a life definedby the role you play in the
lives of others to one where yourealize it is what is the role
you play in your own life?
And you stop there.
You literally stop there, not sothat you can play a better role
in someone's life, you literallyjust stop there.
(09:10):
And that would be the question Ihave a hard time asking myself,
and because it's so against howI've been conditioned as a woman
and you know, as an Armenian andall of those things.
And then the implications areabsolutely, I'm investing my
energy in the wrong place,right?
I'm I'm not putting, I can'tstand putting on my oxygen mask
(09:32):
thing, but you get it.
So, so that would be that wouldbe my kind of big existential
question.
But Lynn, how about you?
What questions have you notasked out loud?
And what is that not askingcosting you?
Lynne (09:45):
So, so like Dan, at first I was like, oh none.
And then I then there was likean obvious one that came to
mind.
I wrote that one down, and thenthere were some less obvious
ones.
So I'll just share them becauseI think you know, I I tend to
wear the vulnerability hat onthis podcast.
Um, the first one was I wouldlike to ask some people, why did
(10:06):
you vote for the currentpresident?
And I think I what's that it'scosting me to not ask that is
I've just make up all this stuffin my head about why.
And then I just get angrier andangrier, and it's like this this
loop of uh fury.
So that's that's what it'scosting me.
I think about asking my kids whowere pretty young when I got
(10:32):
divorced, um, you know, whatwhat did your dad and I not
saying married, what what effectdid that really have on you?
Uh because I'm afraid of theanswer.
But I think anyway, now it's outthere.
Maybe this will be the maybethis will be what gets my kids
to listen to the podcast.
Patti (10:50):
So, so Lynn, I can't imagine they wouldn't.
Um, just like my kids, wheneverthey listen, I they always know
they can shut me off.
Um, so which is something theydon't get in real life.
But you know, Lynn, I just wantto thank you for being
vulnerable and going first to bevulnerable because I I was able
to have conversations with mytwo daughters over the last few
months, right?
So I was always on an airplane,I was always working, and I
(11:12):
worked from home and I wasn'ttraveling, and even when I was
home, my mind was alwayssomewhere else.
And I knew that.
And my girls that stay-at-homedads were not popular, right?
When when um they were beingreared, and you know, my husband
was a stay-at-home dad.
And so I asked both of them,they're both in their 20s, what
was it like to be my daughter?
(11:34):
Right?
What was it like?
And I wanted the honest answersbecause I was never really able
to have that conversation with,I was with my mom, but not with
my dad.
And you know, you can spend alifetime of therapy trying to
like overcome what you wentthrough in childhood.
And the thing is, it was not forme to make up excuses, it was
not for me to defend, right?
(11:56):
It was me just going, I'm readyfor that answer.
I am ready for that answerbecause it's important that they
are able to be able to releasethe answer, right?
And I'm not sure they wouldbring that up.
And so, you know, listening toyou both, I'm just wondering,
like, what is it about somequestions that make them so
(12:18):
scary, right?
Like, what are we afraid tolearn?
Or what are we afraid mighthappen next?
And, you know, are we justafraid to have the answer to
like that question, have to doit ourselves?
Like, why are we avoidingquestions we don't want to
answer?
Dan (12:36):
Yeah, I was just gonna add, I mean, what a beautiful and
vulnerable set of questions thatyou both shared.
Man, if I thought asking forfeedback on writing was hard,
uh, asking for feedback onparenting and life experiences,
and boy, that that is a muchdeeper level of question, right?
And you know, I think there's awide range of reasons why people
(12:57):
don't ask those kinds ofquestions, uh, ranging from I
didn't think to ask it, to it'shard and I didn't want to hear
the answer, or it might lead tosome work, or it might open up
to other questions.
So yeah, I just want to saybravo to you both for sharing
both of those questions.
And um I'm just glad to be alongfor the ride on this one for
(13:19):
sure.
Lynne (13:19):
Thanks, Dan.
We're glad you're on the ride.
Um and and so this wholeconversation has also made me
think about so if we're notasking a question, what are we
doing instead?
Right?
What are we replacing thatquestion we've avoided asking
with?
Certainty, sometimes, control,humor.
(13:43):
I see that a lot, I do that alot.
Um, so are we really justchanging the subject instead of
asking a question that mightneed to be asked because we're
just too uncomfortable or afraidof what the answer is going to
be?
Patti (13:56):
I love that.
I just want to jump in, right?
Because we have a lot ofbusiness people who um who
listen in, a lot of leaders.
And, you know, it really wonderthe environment to ask
questions.
And that's something I work withleaders a lot.
Are you creating an environmentto ask questions, right?
And so Amy Edmondson's work,right?
Psychological safety has been abig deal.
(14:18):
And so when, you know, what welearn in her books are what are
the conditions, right?
Around the questions you'reallowed, those un unwritten
rules, right?
They're questions you're umgonna avoid asking.
And by the way, that's what it'slike in lots of families,
including my own, right?
Like, you know, my extendedfamily.
There are just certain thingsyou don't ask, is what I was
(14:40):
told growing up, right?
And, you know, Lynn, you broughtit up, so I'm gonna pull the
thread on we live in anenvironment that no longer
represents the democracy wethought we lived in over here in
the US.
And that's sending implications,you know, everywhere.
So I'm I'm just struggling togo.
Would I even be able to ask aquestion in an authoritarian
(15:00):
environment without risking mypersonal safety psychologically
and physically, and everythingin between?
Dan (15:08):
Yeah.
And then if authoritarianenvironments are kind of
anti-question or not open toquestions or don't allow certain
questions, that makes me wonderif asking questions is an
anti-fascist move.
Like, is asking good questionsout loud, boldly, creatively,
curiously, compassionately, isthat an effective strategy to
(15:31):
counter an authoritarianenvironment or a component of a
strategy, maybe?
Lynne (15:37):
I know we can't answer questions, but yes, yes.
Dan.
Patti (15:42):
That's why we need investigative journalism.
Yes.
Lynne (15:46):
It is an effective strategy.
And I think that's what we'retrying to foster in the with
this podcast is the umcuriosity, the openness, the
willingness to ask thosequestions, whether or not you do
it as part of an anti-fasciststrategy, or you're just doing
(16:07):
it to educate yourself more, uh,to avoid disinformation.
I think it is a super effectivestrategy.
And since I answered thatquestion, now I'm thinking about
answers.
So sometimes is answering aquestion, is that a way to avoid
it?
Like when a politician gives adishonest answer or more likely
(16:32):
deflects the question by notreally answering at all and just
doing a bunch of hand-wavystuff.
Is that a form of avoiding thequestion?
And and how do we distinguish?
That's answers, but then how dowe distinguish between a
question we might be asking thatcould be destructive versus one
that is generative?
Dan (16:51):
Lynn, I think that's a terrific question about how do
answers shut down theconversation sometimes.
And I think that goes back tothe core of this whole podcast.
And uh, you know, it reminds me,I had a boss one time whose
favorite phrase seemed to bedon't go there.
He was always saying, Oh, don'tgo there.
Don't don't ask that question,don't bring that topic up.
And over and over again, andI've never met anybody who used
(17:14):
that phrase quite so frequently.
And looking back, I see howscared he must have been by
truth, by questions, byexploring things, by people, you
know, by by sunlight, really.
And I see how controlling hewas.
I felt it at the time.
I didn't have the language todescribe what was going on.
I was still fairly junior.
And I wonder now what that endedup costing our team in terms of
(17:38):
what we learned, ourprofessional growth, as well as
just the team's ability to dothe job when we're being
actively discouraged from askingquestions.
So, Patty, back to your questionor your framing of business and
executives and leaders, what doyou do when the boss's favorite
phrase is, don't go there?
And at the risk of answering aquestion, I think the answer
(17:59):
might be, yeah, ask thequestions.
Patti (18:02):
I I love that.
It reminds me of, and I mighthave mentioned this in previous
podcasts, um, when my parentswould go to parent-teacher
conferences from a very, youknow, young age.
I was the annoying one who wasalways raising my hand and
asking questions of theteachers, and they would
complain to my parents about it.
And, you know, it never reallyunderstood that.
(18:23):
I felt embarrassed by asking somany questions, right?
I was made to feel ashamed.
And, you know, it wasn't myfather would be like, well,
that's your job.
Like, let her ask questions andhelp her.
She's not asking you to answerthem, right?
But help her figure it out.
And, you know, very gratefularound that.
You know, when we think aboutthose hard questions we ask in
(18:45):
business to our leaders, howshould we be thinking about
asking those questions, right?
What does it look like to beable to ask a question
spectively from a whoperspective?
And it's kind of the truth hurtskind of thing.
And I think we're all afraid ofwhat we're gonna hear.
But that brings me to where I'dlove to take this conversation,
and no one's gonna be surprisedwhere it is.
(19:07):
And that is let's talk about thequestions we avoid and where AI
plays in and how we can makequestioning more equitable.
So, you know, look, we many ofus are using AI to ask very
sensitive questions we don'teven trust our therapist to
listen to.
(19:27):
So I guess, you know, I don'tknow if you have used it in
those ways, but do you think AIis helping us avoid them by
making it easier, right?
And then, you know, knowing thatwe're just feeding the beast
every time we're asking it aprompting question, how can we
make sure as individuals that AIis not just enabling our
(19:50):
avoidance?
Dan (19:51):
How do we make sure the AI isn't just enabling our
avoidance, Patty?
I love that question.
Uh, and that sparks an idea thathave you ever asked an AI, what
are the questions I should beasking on this topic?
Or even, hey AI, what questionsam I avoiding on this topic?
Lynne (20:06):
I'm thinking about asking AI about the questions I'm
avoiding.
It'll be interesting to see whatit comes up with.
I feel like AI also, I think ithelps us avoid the questions
more, right?
Because it we put theinformation in, it spits it back
out, and we don't ever have togo deeper.
I I was just on a conversationtoday with people about coaching
(20:29):
and AI, and the question was,you know, what makes a human
conversation, a humaninteraction different from AI?
Like what will always be trueabout this?
And I know, Patty, you wouldtell me we can't say everything
will always be true about AIbecause it'll be different by
tomorrow.
But I think that was thequestion I was left with, right?
(20:50):
Which is, what is it about ahuman interaction that maybe
would help create theconditions, as you were talking
about earlier, Patty?
Create the conditions to help usask those questions we've been
avoiding.
Dan (21:07):
Yeah.
And so Lynn, that reminds me ofa move that you and I both use
in classrooms and workshops thatwe run, where a participant will
ask us a question.
And nine times out of ten, ourresponse is, well, what do you
think?
What does the group think?
We sort of, instead of jumpingto an answer, we turn it around
(21:28):
and say, hey, there's a bunch ofsmart people in this room.
Let's get that humanperspective, that human
response.
And I just don't see that assomething that AI is likely to
do now or even anytime soon asAI gets better.
Because it's such a human moveto say, ooh, this is a great
question.
What do you think?
What do the rest of you think?
(21:48):
Let's explore that together,rather than, oh, you asked this
question.
Well, here's the answer.
Patti (21:54):
Yeah, I mean, are you going to invite AI to dinner?
I like the approach that you twoare taking, and it's so
important.
Important to have a way, aneasier way to ask hard
questions, right?
Instead of answering them, to beable to ask them in as a way to
get people to talk.
And you two know me enough bynow to know I love conflict.
(22:17):
And I'm a straight shooter whenI speak, and I enjoy being
challenged and having the shotsstraight back to me.
Not everybody's like that.
And so a lot of things, thegender work I do and have been
doing for over 25 years, gettingmore money into the hands of
female founders, right?
Getting more women indecision-making rooms and
actually being heard and makingthem, what the pushback I hear
(22:41):
from people who don't like thosetypes of questions are, are you
trying to make it easier forwomen or other underrepresented
populations?
And the answer is no, thosepaths are hard.
That's not what I'm saying.
I just want to make it easierfor them to be able to ask those
questions.
So it's not about I'm listeningto you, and you're not saying
(23:04):
how do we make um hard questionseasier?
You're saying, and what I'veseen in practice is how can we
make it easier to ask thosequestions?
Which of course probably bringsus back to the context in which
those questions are asked.
Dan (23:21):
Yeah, and Patty, you said a really important word there a
minute ago.
Dinner.
You said dinner.
Would you invite AI to dinner?
And I wonder, what is it aboutfood?
What is it about a gatheringaround a table where we have a
meal and maybe a glass or two ofwine that helps us maybe ask the
questions we wouldn't haveasked?
(23:41):
Or maybe that's the place wherewe do avoid the questions, maybe
that's the place where we aresafe enough to begin asking
those questions.
Uh there's this goofy TV show.
I don't know why I watch it.
Boston Blue, uh, policeprocedural.
It's funny, it's goofy.
The thing I love about this showis that regularly the family all
gathers around the table, andthat's where a lot of the actual
(24:04):
drama and action happens, andthey talk to each other, they
listen to each other, they askeach other questions.
So all that says how how do weexplore this possibility of
asking the hard questions, notto make them not hard, but to
ask them, to make the askingless hard.
Uh, I do wonder if dinner ispart of the answer to that.
Lynne (24:21):
I mean, I think it I think it depends on your dinner
table.
It's absolutely a possible placeto make it easier to ask hard
questions.
I I think the other thing thatmight make it easier is to just,
and I talked about this earlier,to pay attention to what you're
feeling when one of thosequestions that you don't want to
(24:44):
ask comes up.
When you feel resistance to aquestion, what is that
resistance trying to protect youfrom?
What might you learn if youlisten to that resistance or
push back against it?
Dan (24:58):
And then what changes when we stop avoiding the question,
when we stop resisting?
How does that change ourselves?
And how does it change ourconnections to the people around
us?
Patti (25:07):
I I love that, you know, I think we can all just point at
triggers, right?
So, Lynn, I really like whatyou're saying, is it's not about
how I feel about the question,it's how being asked it and
pondering the answer feelsinside of me.
And, you know, I think one ofthe things I like and for folks
to look up is um IFS therapy,right?
(25:28):
Interfamily systems.
It's all about how everything iskind of process driven and you
know, one thing leads toanother.
But it's anything where you havethat kind of body reaction,
right?
What if my head's spinning, mystomach feels nauseous, my you
know, all of those things.
It's because it's triggered froma previous experience, right?
(25:49):
And some of them, and then theyget like added on to.
And so really I think that'simportant because that's where
the the avoidance comes.
And also, Dan, just you know,what you're saying is really
important for people to thinkabout, which is um, I am
uncomfortable now, right?
Am I okay with being comfortablenow, knowing that this is just
(26:09):
part of my transformationprocess because that's all it
is.
I'm uncomfortable now.
And so, therefore, what are someof those mindfulness practices
that I could be using, right?
The awareness to presence.
Am I safe now?
Do I have what I need right atthis moment?
And by the way, one of thequestions we shouldn't avoid
(26:30):
asking, perhaps, is and what isit that I need?
Dan (26:34):
And that is a great place to bring us to a close here.
That's our time for today.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
And as promised, whoa, this wasa deep one.
We asked some big questionstoday about the questions we
avoid, trying to understand whenthat happens and why that
happens and what it all means.
Lynne (26:51):
And I love that we ask about what question are you
carrying that you haven't askedout loud, and what is not asking
it costing you.
Patti (27:02):
I love that.
And look, we hope that each ofyou will think about any
questions you're avoiding, andthen be honest and ask yourself
whether it's time to ask them.
Lynne (27:14):
So thanks for listening today, everybody.
Today's episode was sponsored byCuriosity, courage, and
kindness.
They make questions better.
Dan (27:24):
Our music was composed by Jake Covernall.
Patti (27:27):
Our cover art was created by Mad's brain.
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