My Fictional Diary

Friday, November 12th, 2021

When Joffrey wanted Voldemort to move in with us, I was hesitant. I warned him that if he treated me the way he treated me when we lived with Elliot, I’d be done. That if there were any conflicts, he’d have to recognize my feelings. I told him that. I thought he’d grown.

My heart beats out of sync. Katy and I are sitting in a coffee shop, finishing up our work. I started to cry. I tell her I’m so afraid.

...

Thursday, November 11th, 2021

11/11 Make a Wish...

Katy and I went to The Cheesecake Factory last night. I bought us sangrias and she read through my journal. It felt nice to have someone feel what I’m going through. Her review was that it was very relatable. Reading it was entertaining, but what I’m feeling is exhausting – the ongoing theme is that he’s immature.

I had a sex dream about Joffrey last night. It was hot.

I just told hi...

Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I called the Employee Assistance Program to set a separate therapy appointment for myself with someone I could see in person. They said because I arranged the couples therapy, it was under my authorization, and that therapist would have to call in for me to do individual sessions with them, but since I don’t want to go to her, I’d have to unauthorize that therapist in order to get another one. I had ...

Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I’m nervous for our couples therapy appointment today. I’m scared the therapist will tell us it can work, or that this is common – that I just can’t handle being called insane, idiotic, crazy, dramatic, fine…

But I know that’s not realistic. I was clear about wanting to break up when filling out the paperwork. I wonder what Joffrey said. I wonder what he will say.

We jumped onto the video conference befor...

Monday, November 8th, 2021

I went into work today. I look cute. I’ve lost weight – I have to keep eating. I went to get a smoothie and some girls had a cute boutique on the street.

I just filled out the forms for our first couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I had to mark if I was single or in a relationship and rate my happiness in our relationship on a scale from 1 to 10. It was hard.

The girls had a cute necklace for sale on a ...

Wednesday, November 7th, 2021

Penny and I are watching Catherine’s riding lesson. It’s beautiful outside and I am happy. It’s peaceful. I love horses and I love writing while watching my friend.

On the way to Catherine’s place I thought more about how I would do anything and everything to make Joffrey happy, but trying to get him to do something for me was a battle, and I was always on the wrong side. The drive into LA through the ...

Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I didn’t pack a bag because I thought I’d be back home – that there wouldn’t be anyone. Amy told me to come over.

I brought my tiny backpack so I could have my journal. I was worried they’d think it was dumb – they didn’t. When I arrived, Amy just gave me the best hug and it felt so nice to be held. Wade and Harley were there too. Wade’s always been a great friend since college – really nice dude. And I...

Friday, November 5th, 2021

I drove two hours round-trip to audition for Next to Normal last night. I loved warming up in the car and my voice sounded good. I sang “Morning Person” from Shrek: The Musical, but sad. I thought it was a creative choice. All of the actors were really nice as we waited to audition. I enjoyed talking with them and being in their close knit community. When I sang, I forgot to include the middle page in my...

Thursday, November 4th, 2021

My heart feels so heavy; it’s beats seem irregular. I’m so sad.

Last night, after Joffrey told me he’d do anything, that he knows what he needs to do now, that he was sorry, that he knows he’s been lacking in our relationship, and selfish…

I didn’t just immediately say I’d give him another chance. He knew where my head was at and I knew where his was, and I was glad to hear he loved me so much, but we’re...

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

Yesterday was a good night with Joffrey. He brought home Super Bowl swag from work. He thinks maybe he could get tickets this year and that the Cowboys might play. That would be wonderful for him!

I suggested he should bring someone who actually likes football and asked who he’d bring. He explained he’d bring me and referenced some episode of television where a guy did what I’d recommended instead of b...

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

When I came home from work yesterday, Joffrey had cleaned and helped the apartment. He offered me dinner, but I couldn’t eat. He was nice again. I was exhausted and crashed on the couch. It was comfy. It was nice to rest my eyes, but couch/bed, I couldn’t sleep. We continued Mindhunter together. He asked if I wanted to go on a walk, so maybe he was going to try to communicate, but I was too tired and he...

Monday, November 1st, 2021

I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday, I couldn’t eat. I’m very hungry but can’t do food. I’m up two hours early, and can’t fall back asleep. I feel sick. Heartbreak is giving me the s***s.

Joffrey was complaining I didn’t have to physically sacrifice anything (about the couch) and here I am.

Joffrey has tried over the years, he really has, and he’s gotten better at communicating, but this is where we’re at. He says...

Sunday, October 31st, 2021

I went out with Rita yesterday. She doesn’t give the best advice, but she took care of me and I appreciated it. I cried almost all day and was confident about breaking up.

Elena was also really nice. She was understanding and told me his behavior wasn’t okay and that my feelings are valid.

Hanging with all my college friends, I felt like it would be cool to be single. Bar hopping with them was fun and goin...

Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I talked to Olivia before she moved. Her and Voldemort saw me crying out front. She invited me in and told me this was normal for my age. She said I needed distance to flourish and he needed distance to grow. And that there are plenty of mature, grounded men out there. She agreed waiting until therapy to break up was a good idea. I couldn’t sleep, I woke up weeping. I am heartbroken.

My zoom audition we...

Friday, October 29th, 2021

He wants me back. He’s tired of feeling sad. This week has been hard for him. But he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

I shared that I’d called my work’s Employee Assistance Program and we could both get three therapy sessions for free with someone we’re comfortable with. I explained I wanted to do couples therapy because I love him. He responded, it feels like you’re just trying to push me out and brea...

Thursday, October 28th, 2021

I’m so upset. We went to bed and he tried to rest a hand on me. I feel uncomfortable to his touch. I don’t want to feel this way, but I keep thinking about how he denied saying everything I’d said was idiotic. I stayed strong and repeated what I knew. He assured me I was misremembering. I told him I’d written it down. Eventually, he downplayed it.

I feel like Joffrey can’t be gaslighting me – not this w...

Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Joffrey went to see Dune by himself and I went with Voldemort and the neighbors. It was great! I’m so excited to get to know Ramy and Rori better.

When I came home, Joffrey was already in bed, so I watched a documentary about gender inequality in Hollywood. When I came up to bed he was getting off TikTok. We didn’t talk or cuddle.

He did work out with me earlier which meant a lot, but it was obvious he ...

Monday, October 25th, 2021

We want to go see Dune. Gavin, Dinesh, Ramy, Rori, Joffrey and I are all in a group chat. I tell them our roommate, Voldemort, wants to come as well. They want to see it at seven. Joffrey tries to convince them to see it at 9:30 PM in a nicer theater, but they have to get up early. I expressed that I’m fine with seeing it at 9:30 PM, but as a date (I don’t want to be Joffrey and Voldemort’s third wheel),...

Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Our flight got canceled yesterday so we’re spending two more nights with Joffrey’s family. Last night Joffrey finally offered to go see Dear Evan Hansen with me. We got back around midnight. I hadn’t eaten since 2 PM. I planned to get dinner at Taco Bell after the movie but it closed due to unforeseen circumstances. The luck! There was another Taco Bell open only ten minutes away but Joffrey didn’t want...