Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we will
talk about grief, dementia, andcaregiving.
I so grab a cup of tea, cup ofcoffee.
It's been a really bad day.
Grab a glass of wine and knowyou're not alone in your
journey.
My name's Lisa, and I createdthis podcast to honor my mom who
passed away almost two years agofrom dementia.
(00:46):
And I just feel like there's notenough, we don't talk enough
about the grief and in dementiain general, and also about
caregiving.
So today I wanted to talk aboutwhat does a caregiver do when
there's no one to care foranymore?
You know, for for the last howmany months or years of your
(01:07):
life it's revolved around yourloved one's care.
And now your loved one is gone.
So what do what do you do?
What do you do with all the timeyou have now?
And there's this weird feelingthat overcomes you because you
just don't know what to do.
Your life revolved arounddoctor's appointments, medicine,
making sure the person ate, youknow, uh changing diapers, all
(01:33):
different things.
And now they're not hereanymore.
You feel lost, you feel alone,and and you were busy, busy,
busy, busy.
And then you were taken care ofnot only them, but then you were
keeping people in the loop.
You know, people were textingyou, calling you, how are they?
And the more that the sickness,the illness, and they decline,
(01:54):
the more people call you.
So you feel like there's moreinformation you have to say.
And now it's just stillness,it's just eerie stillness, it's
just quiet, and everyone's gone.
Everyone is gone, and what doyou do?
(02:14):
And you know, because no one'scalling you anymore, asking you
for updates, and they don'treally ask you how you are
anymore, right?
After probably the wake in thefuneral or the services, after
about a week or so after that,everyone goes on with the rest
of their life, but your lifestill stopped.
You have this big aching hole,and you're like, what do I do
(02:36):
now?
It's just quiet and and it feelsweird.
You feel like you should bedoing something and and you
don't have to do it, right?
And you can't shake that feelingthat you're forgetting
something, there's somethingelse you should be doing, you
should be busy, there and therejust isn't anything.
And it's really a lonely feelingbecause your loved one's gone,
(03:01):
but you're still here.
So what do you do now?
And and then everyone keepsasking you, like, well, when are
you going back to work?
What are you gonna do now?
And you just want to scream,like, I don't know, I just don't
know what I'm gonna do.
And yet you don't say that, youjust go, Oh, I don't know, yeah,
I guess I'm going back now, orI'm not sure yet, or and then
(03:23):
you think about all the otherthings you have to take care of,
especially if you're like theexecutor of the will or things
like that, and you take care ofthose things, but you still
think about, well, I I should begoing through their clothes, or
I should be going through theirthings, and sometimes that's
overwhelming to do too.
And all you do is you feel lostand you feel empty, and you
(03:46):
think, is this normal?
You know, what what do I do?
What can I do?
Type of a thing.
And I found in my grief journey,talking with my grief
counselors, and that, and theysaid, Well, the first thing you
have to do is take care ofyourself.
And you're like, Well, great,right?
I was like, okay, great, but I Idon't I don't know how to do
(04:08):
that because my priority for solong was taking care of someone
else.
So how do I take care of myself?
I don't know how to do thatanymore.
Because even though when you'rein the middle of caregiving,
everyone says you gottaprioritize yourself, you gotta
take care of yourself.
Let's be honest, you don't do itas much as you probably should.
(04:30):
You might get a day here, anhour there, maybe 20 minutes
here, but really your priorityhas been your loved one.
And it's not easy.
And for me, it it was knowingwhatever I was feeling was okay.
That's what my grief counselortaught me.
That it was it was okay if Ifelt lost.
(04:52):
It was okay if I wanted toscream, it was okay if I felt
sad.
It was even okay if I felt happyfor a few minutes.
It was okay.
And maybe, maybe you're like, Ijust, I want to scream.
I just, I can't take it.
I want to scream.
Well, find a safe place toscream.
You know, maybe you go outsideand you scream, or maybe you you
(05:14):
scream in your pillow if that'swhat makes you feel better.
Maybe if you're like, you knowwhat, I want to go for a run, or
I just I want to go to the pool,or I want to go to a spin class
and I just want to work out allthis feeling.
If that helps you, then do it.
Maybe it's just, I'm just gonnalisten to some music.
Maybe you're listening to abunch of sad music and it makes
you feel better because you geta good cry out.
(05:34):
Or maybe you listen to someangry music and you feel better
because you're like, oh, I justfeel better now, you know.
Um, and maybe, maybe for you youwant to write in your journal,
or maybe even just like playwith Play-Doh like you did when
you were a kid, or or doceramics, or some something
crafty, or maybe just play withyour dog, or maybe you just
(05:55):
pound your pillow because youneed to hit something.
If that's what makes you feelbetter, then that's what you
should do.
And I know you might be saying,okay, but I don't know how to
take care of myself.
You know, you you thinksometimes just saying, I don't
know how to take care of myself,that's a great start because you
say, I don't know how to do it.
(06:16):
So try to remember, go back wayback when the thing about think
about the things that you usedto like to do.
Even if it's, you know what, I'mgonna take a longer shower or
soak in the tub, or you oryou're gonna read that book that
you've been wanting to read.
And for me, it was hard toconcentrate at first.
Like I couldn't really read.
(06:36):
Like I'll be honest, work washard for me.
And you know, I made a ton ofmistakes because I I I couldn't
focus, I couldn't concentrate.
And I took a lot of naps becausethat's what I needed to do.
Maybe that's what you do.
My grief counselor also had toldme that it was okay to play the
games I like to play on on theiPad at night because sometimes
(06:57):
I did.
I just needed to zone completelyout.
Sometimes I like to color on thecoloring apps, and that relaxes
me.
So if you played a game whileyou have something on TV, or
maybe you're just playing thegame and nothing's in the
background, and if that helpsyou, then that's what you should
do.
I know some people they alwayswant to, they have to keep doing
(07:17):
something.
That really wasn't the case forme.
For me, it took a lot of energyto do things even when I wanted
to get them done.
I I still struggle with that ayear and a half later.
I still am like, I want to dothis, I want to declutter, I
want to clean this, I need totake care of that.
And some days I'm just exhaustedand I I can't seem to get to it.
(07:39):
And then I'll have a day where Ifeel energetic and I'm able to
do it.
And I learned that all of thatwas okay because everybody's
grief journey is different.
And it's hard when your life hadbeen surrounded, it was centered
about taking care of thisperson, and now the person's
gone.
(07:59):
And for me, also that I foundbeing compassionate with myself
was a hard thing to do because Ialways tend to put everyone
else's needs first.
And honestly, being nice tomyself is something that I'm
continually working on.
I I have a hard time learninghow to do that and and saying
that it's okay for me to want todo XYZ, and I need to do this
(08:25):
first, and then I can catch upwith you, or then I can do this
for you.
It's a it's a work in progressfor me with that.
I also learned it's completelynormal to feel like you're
having a panic attack, justthinking about, well, what do I
do now?
Because the world feels sooverwhelming.
Like there's so many things thatswarm in your head, and you
think I should do this and Ishould do that, and what should
(08:46):
I take care of next?
And and everything.
And it it's okay, you know, andyou also think about who am I
without this person in my life?
You know, I I for me, I I'm nolonger my mother's daughter.
I mean, I am, but I'm not.
I'm a motherless daughter, youknow, and who am I without my
(09:08):
mom?
I mean, you think about thosethings because your life's just
not the same with it.
And I for me, I think it's ahard road to walk down.
And I think it's even harder tosilence the people who tell you
what you should be doing or whatyou should be feeling.
You know, there's alwayssomebody that's there to say,
oh, well, you should do this andyou should do that.
(09:29):
And what do you do that?
Why don't you do this?
Get a dog, sell the house, dothis, you know, and you're like,
wait, what?
I'm lucky I can focus and youknow, make sure I eat today.
You know, it it's hard.
And I also found too that it Ito me, I find this very funny
that people always tell you, oh,I'm here for you.
If you need anything, just call.
(09:51):
But what they really mean isthat within the first two weeks,
and then their life goes on,even when your life feels like
it's stopped and you just don'tknow what you're supposed to do.
And it's hard, it's hard to findit, and it's hard to take care
of yourself, you know.
So I found some different thingsthat if there are things that
(10:12):
little things that you can do,like I said, to just try to take
care of yourself, and even ifit's only for a moment, you
know, maybe if you need somecomfort or so you just have low
energy and lone brain low brainpower activities, which I like
that for self-care.
Because sometimes people arelike, it's not always the
massage or getting your nailsdone or anything like that.
(10:35):
You know, sometimes it's justlistening to music or nature
that sounds that calm or upliftyou.
You know, you might want toavoid some of the music or
sounds that that might activateyour grief.
Maybe you just head to a comfychair or your bed just to sleep.
Or maybe you watch a show, amovie, or random YouTube videos
that calm you or uplift you.
(10:57):
You might want to avoid thingsthat activate your grief in that
moment if you're just trying torest.
Drink water is really important.
Staying hydrated is important.
Something simple as that.
Stretch, because we forget to dothat, right?
And sometimes people find thatwhen they're in the middle of
this and grief, they don't feelhungry.
(11:20):
But it's important that you eatsomething, eat a little bit,
even when you don't feel hungry,because that is important.
Like I said, maybe play arelaxing game on your phone.
Or maybe if you have somecomforting rituals or spiritual
practice, maybe you meditate orsome breathing exercise, you can
do that to help you for thatmoment.
Sometimes I'll find myselfsitting at my desk and I'm like,
(11:42):
okay, just breathe for a second.
Block the world out for asecond.
It'll be okay.
You know, color or draw ifthat's what helps you.
You know, maybe you want to seeif the moon or the stars are
out, you know, because there'sbeen a lot of different things
out lately with they're tellingyou to look for the solar system
and the moon.
If that's something that bringsyou peace, do that.
(12:03):
You know, or maybe you just wantto find something comforting to
hold on to, a pillow, a blanket.
For me, sometimes I I kept oneof the blankets that was on my
mom's bed before she passed.
And I I have it on my bed still.
And some nights I just have tohold it and it brings me comfort
with it.
(12:24):
And sometimes it's just givingyourself some compassionate
thought.
Like maybe you took a showertoday.
It it's not always, you know,like I said, going for that big
self-care.
Maybe it's that, hey, I I I atelunch today, or I got more cup
more water in today than I didbefore, or I made it through
(12:48):
work and I didn't cry in thebathroom.
That's taking care of yourself.
And you need to give yourselfthese good, good pats on the
back and can tell you you'redoing okay, you know.
So you may want to, you know,give yourself some time out, you
know, like maybe you do do someyoga or that you take some deep
(13:09):
breaths at times, you know, andalso you can learn what triggers
some of your anxiety with that,you know, because sometimes it's
people that give you anxiety,right?
You know, sometimes you want totalk and sometimes you don't.
And it's learning how to answerthose questions, you know,
because people mean well, butwhen they're asking you all
(13:29):
these types of questions,sometimes you're just like, I
don't know.
I don't know what my life'sgonna look like right now.
Because you're learning.
And what I've learned throughall of this is that it's okay,
and then I realize it's normalto feel lost and empty after
your loved one who you took careof for so long has passed.
(13:52):
And I I think that we need to beable to give ourselves
permission to grieve and to findyourself again because you're
finding this new person that'snever existed before without
your loved one.
And there is no time limit onthis, even though society does
try to tell us there's a timelimit, there isn't.
(14:13):
And we have to figure it out forourselves.
And it's a hard road.
It it's not an easy thing tofigure out what do we do now
when for so long our livesrevive our lives revolved around
that person and taking care ofthem.
Unless somebody was a caregiver,they don't understand how much
(14:34):
of yourself you give to theother person.
I mean, I obviously it's yourchoice and that's what you want
to do, but it is a lot, youknow, especially as they get
worse and worse in theirillness.
And you do grieve while you'rewhile your person is in that
illness.
And taking care of yourself doesbecome a second, a second
(14:56):
thought, even though itshouldn't.
But it's hard.
It's it's very hard to do all ofit, and now they're gone, and
that life that you had is gone,and then you grieve for what
your life was like with theperson before they got sick, and
all of it together is just verydifficult, and so we have to
(15:18):
give ourselves some grace, wehave to give ourselves time to
figure out what we want to dobecause it is empty.
We do feel lost, that they'regone, and that hole is hard to
fill, and it'll never quite befilled because that person's
gone and they were unique to youwith it.
And I do think that, like Isaid, I think society wants us
(15:42):
to move on, and it's hard, andthen you get angry because
you're like, wait, I'm notready.
So today I like I said, I wantedto talk about who are you when
you don't have that person totake care of?
And that's a really bigquestion.
I I don't know that you cananswer you can answer something
like that right away.
And I think that, you know, as Isaid, people mean well, but they
(16:06):
want us to get back to normal.
Well, our normal's gone.
And so trying to figure out whatthat new normal is takes a long
time, and you have to giveyourself permission to say, it's
okay, I'm still trying to figurethis all out, but you have to
take care of yourself, and Ithink that's really hard for a
(16:27):
person who was a caregiverbecause I think that's our
nature to take care of everyoneelse and not think about
ourselves.
And it's a hard road to learnhow to take care of yourself,
and even in those little, littleminutes, you know, eating a
well-balanced meal that mightfeel like work because sometimes
I do feel like that.
I feel like, oh, that's too muchwork to make a you know, a full
(16:50):
meal, but I know it's important.
Maybe you find, maybe you can,maybe you end up channeling your
caregiving into volunteering.
Maybe that's what brings yousome self-care and you feel
brings you some joy.
And all you can do is your bestto try to figure it out.
And on some days, maybe playingthe game is what works for you.
(17:12):
And other days, maybe it'staking a nap.
Maybe another day it is goingfor a workout, or maybe it's,
you know, talking to somebody,or maybe it's watching, you
know, the silliest sitcom.
You know, I find myself watchingsome old sitcoms, like Friends
brings me comfort.
The Big Bang Theory brings mecomfort, even though I could
probably recite the lines, but Ifind comfort in it because I
(17:36):
know that I've watched it andit's always the same.
You know, and and maybe you'llfind something like that that
makes you feel good.
Or it's the same songs over andover again that make you feel
good.
And it's gonna change, you know,from the very beginning, right
when you lose your person to thevery end, you know, years down
the road, it's gonna besomething different.
(17:58):
But you have to give yourselfpermission to figure out who you
are without your your loved onewho you cared for for so long,
and that's okay.
And and I I think we're alwaystrying to rush, rush, rush.
But like I said, what'simportant is that we try to give
ourselves some care, giveourselves the care that we gave
(18:21):
to our loved one, which is hardfor a caregiver.
We don't like to admit that, butit really is when when it comes
down to it.
So I hope, I hope that thisepisode brought you some
comfort.
And please reach out to me on mypodcast page, or you can email
me.
I'll give you my email.
(18:42):
It's L-I-S-M-A-R-93 atyahoo.com.
If there are any topics you'dlike me to cover or anything
that you found comforting, oryou know, if you want me to talk
more about caregiving, moreabout grief, more about
dementia, or all of the abovefor it.
I hope, like I said, it bringsyou some comfort and that you
(19:05):
know that you're not alone onyour journey, whether you're
just starting this dementiajourney, you're just starting
your grief journey, or you're inthe middle of caregiving, I hope
it brings you some comfort.
So I hope you enjoyed your yourcup of tea, your coffee, or like
I said, if you had a really badday and your glass of wine, and
(19:26):
please join me next time onPatty's Place.
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we will
talk about grief, dementia, andcaregiving.
I so grab a cup of tea, cup ofcoffee.
It's been a really bad day.
Grab a glass of wine and knowyou're not alone in your
journey.
My name's Lisa, and I createdthis podcast to honor my mom who
passed away almost two years agofrom dementia.
(00:46):
And I just feel like there's notenough, we don't talk enough
about the grief and in dementiain general, and also about
caregiving.
So today I wanted to talk aboutwhat does a caregiver do when
there's no one to care foranymore?
You know, for for the last howmany months or years of your
(01:07):
life it's revolved around yourloved one's care.
And now your loved one is gone.
So what do what do you do?
What do you do with all the timeyou have now?
And there's this weird feelingthat overcomes you because you
just don't know what to do.
Your life revolved arounddoctor's appointments, medicine,
making sure the person ate, youknow, uh changing diapers, all
(01:33):
different things.
And now they're not hereanymore.
You feel lost, you feel alone,and and you were busy, busy,
busy, busy.
And then you were taken care ofnot only them, but then you were
keeping people in the loop.
You know, people were textingyou, calling you, how are they?
And the more that the sickness,the illness, and they decline,
(01:54):
the more people call you.
So you feel like there's moreinformation you have to say.
And now it's just stillness,it's just eerie stillness, it's
just quiet, and everyone's gone.
Everyone is gone, and what doyou do?
(02:14):
And you know, because no one'scalling you anymore, asking you
for updates, and they don'treally ask you how you are
anymore, right?
After probably the wake in thefuneral or the services, after
about a week or so after that,everyone goes on with the rest
of their life, but your lifestill stopped.
You have this big aching hole,and you're like, what do I do
(02:36):
now?
It's just quiet and and it feelsweird.
You feel like you should bedoing something and and you
don't have to do it, right?
And you can't shake that feelingthat you're forgetting
something, there's somethingelse you should be doing, you
should be busy, there and therejust isn't anything.
And it's really a lonely feelingbecause your loved one's gone,
(03:01):
but you're still here.
So what do you do now?
And and then everyone keepsasking you, like, well, when are
you going back to work?
What are you gonna do now?
And you just want to scream,like, I don't know, I just don't
know what I'm gonna do.
And yet you don't say that, youjust go, Oh, I don't know, yeah,
I guess I'm going back now, orI'm not sure yet, or and then
(03:23):
you think about all the otherthings you have to take care of,
especially if you're like theexecutor of the will or things
like that, and you take care ofthose things, but you still
think about, well, I I should begoing through their clothes, or
I should be going through theirthings, and sometimes that's
overwhelming to do too.
And all you do is you feel lostand you feel empty, and you
(03:46):
think, is this normal?
You know, what what do I do?
What can I do?
Type of a thing.
And I found in my grief journey,talking with my grief
counselors, and that, and theysaid, Well, the first thing you
have to do is take care ofyourself.
And you're like, Well, great,right?
I was like, okay, great, but I Idon't I don't know how to do
(04:08):
that because my priority for solong was taking care of someone
else.
So how do I take care of myself?
I don't know how to do thatanymore.
Because even though when you'rein the middle of caregiving,
everyone says you gottaprioritize yourself, you gotta
take care of yourself.
Let's be honest, you don't do itas much as you probably should.
(04:30):
You might get a day here, anhour there, maybe 20 minutes
here, but really your priorityhas been your loved one.
And it's not easy.
And for me, it it was knowingwhatever I was feeling was okay.
That's what my grief counselortaught me.
That it was it was okay if Ifelt lost.
(04:52):
It was okay if I wanted toscream, it was okay if I felt
sad.
It was even okay if I felt happyfor a few minutes.
It was okay.
And maybe, maybe you're like, Ijust, I want to scream.
I just, I can't take it.
I want to scream.
Well, find a safe place toscream.
You know, maybe you go outsideand you scream, or maybe you you
(05:14):
scream in your pillow if that'swhat makes you feel better.
Maybe if you're like, you knowwhat, I want to go for a run, or
I just I want to go to the pool,or I want to go to a spin class
and I just want to work out allthis feeling.
If that helps you, then do it.
Maybe it's just, I'm just gonnalisten to some music.
Maybe you're listening to abunch of sad music and it makes
you feel better because you geta good cry out.
(05:34):
Or maybe you listen to someangry music and you feel better
because you're like, oh, I justfeel better now, you know.
Um, and maybe, maybe for you youwant to write in your journal,
or maybe even just like playwith Play-Doh like you did when
you were a kid, or or doceramics, or some something
crafty, or maybe just play withyour dog, or maybe you just
(05:55):
pound your pillow because youneed to hit something.
If that's what makes you feelbetter, then that's what you
should do.
And I know you might be saying,okay, but I don't know how to
take care of myself.
You know, you you thinksometimes just saying, I don't
know how to take care of myself,that's a great start because you
say, I don't know how to do it.
(06:16):
So try to remember, go back wayback when the thing about think
about the things that you usedto like to do.
Even if it's, you know what, I'mgonna take a longer shower or
soak in the tub, or you oryou're gonna read that book that
you've been wanting to read.
And for me, it was hard toconcentrate at first.
Like I couldn't really read.
(06:36):
Like I'll be honest, work washard for me.
And you know, I made a ton ofmistakes because I I I couldn't
focus, I couldn't concentrate.
And I took a lot of naps becausethat's what I needed to do.
Maybe that's what you do.
My grief counselor also had toldme that it was okay to play the
games I like to play on on theiPad at night because sometimes
(06:57):
I did.
I just needed to zone completelyout.
Sometimes I like to color on thecoloring apps, and that relaxes
me.
So if you played a game whileyou have something on TV, or
maybe you're just playing thegame and nothing's in the
background, and if that helpsyou, then that's what you should
do.
I know some people they alwayswant to, they have to keep doing
(07:17):
something.
That really wasn't the case forme.
For me, it took a lot of energyto do things even when I wanted
to get them done.
I I still struggle with that ayear and a half later.
I still am like, I want to dothis, I want to declutter, I
want to clean this, I need totake care of that.
And some days I'm just exhaustedand I I can't seem to get to it.
(07:39):
And then I'll have a day where Ifeel energetic and I'm able to
do it.
And I learned that all of thatwas okay because everybody's
grief journey is different.
And it's hard when your life hadbeen surrounded, it was centered
about taking care of thisperson, and now the person's
gone.
(07:59):
And for me, also that I foundbeing compassionate with myself
was a hard thing to do because Ialways tend to put everyone
else's needs first.
And honestly, being nice tomyself is something that I'm
continually working on.
I I have a hard time learninghow to do that and and saying
that it's okay for me to want todo XYZ, and I need to do this
(08:25):
first, and then I can catch upwith you, or then I can do this
for you.
It's a it's a work in progressfor me with that.
I also learned it's completelynormal to feel like you're
having a panic attack, justthinking about, well, what do I
do now?
Because the world feels sooverwhelming.
Like there's so many things thatswarm in your head, and you
think I should do this and Ishould do that, and what should
(08:46):
I take care of next?
And and everything.
And it it's okay, you know, andyou also think about who am I
without this person in my life?
You know, I I for me, I I'm nolonger my mother's daughter.
I mean, I am, but I'm not.
I'm a motherless daughter, youknow, and who am I without my
(09:08):
mom?
I mean, you think about thosethings because your life's just
not the same with it.
And I for me, I think it's ahard road to walk down.
And I think it's even harder tosilence the people who tell you
what you should be doing or whatyou should be feeling.
You know, there's alwayssomebody that's there to say,
oh, well, you should do this andyou should do that.
(09:29):
And what do you do that?
Why don't you do this?
Get a dog, sell the house, dothis, you know, and you're like,
wait, what?
I'm lucky I can focus and youknow, make sure I eat today.
You know, it it's hard.
And I also found too that it Ito me, I find this very funny
that people always tell you, oh,I'm here for you.
If you need anything, just call.
(09:51):
But what they really mean isthat within the first two weeks,
and then their life goes on,even when your life feels like
it's stopped and you just don'tknow what you're supposed to do.
And it's hard, it's hard to findit, and it's hard to take care
of yourself, you know.
So I found some different thingsthat if there are things that
(10:12):
little things that you can do,like I said, to just try to take
care of yourself, and even ifit's only for a moment, you
know, maybe if you need somecomfort or so you just have low
energy and lone brain low brainpower activities, which I like
that for self-care.
Because sometimes people arelike, it's not always the
massage or getting your nailsdone or anything like that.
(10:35):
You know, sometimes it's justlistening to music or nature
that sounds that calm or upliftyou.
You know, you might want toavoid some of the music or
sounds that that might activateyour grief.
Maybe you just head to a comfychair or your bed just to sleep.
Or maybe you watch a show, amovie, or random YouTube videos
that calm you or uplift you.
(10:57):
You might want to avoid thingsthat activate your grief in that
moment if you're just trying torest.
Drink water is really important.
Staying hydrated is important.
Something simple as that.
Stretch, because we forget to dothat, right?
And sometimes people find thatwhen they're in the middle of
this and grief, they don't feelhungry.
(11:20):
But it's important that you eatsomething, eat a little bit,
even when you don't feel hungry,because that is important.
Like I said, maybe play arelaxing game on your phone.
Or maybe if you have somecomforting rituals or spiritual
practice, maybe you meditate orsome breathing exercise, you can
do that to help you for thatmoment.
Sometimes I'll find myselfsitting at my desk and I'm like,
(11:42):
okay, just breathe for a second.
Block the world out for asecond.
It'll be okay.
You know, color or draw ifthat's what helps you.
You know, maybe you want to seeif the moon or the stars are
out, you know, because there'sbeen a lot of different things
out lately with they're tellingyou to look for the solar system
and the moon.
If that's something that bringsyou peace, do that.
(12:03):
You know, or maybe you just wantto find something comforting to
hold on to, a pillow, a blanket.
For me, sometimes I I kept oneof the blankets that was on my
mom's bed before she passed.
And I I have it on my bed still.
And some nights I just have tohold it and it brings me comfort
with it.
(12:24):
And sometimes it's just givingyourself some compassionate
thought.
Like maybe you took a showertoday.
It it's not always, you know,like I said, going for that big
self-care.
Maybe it's that, hey, I I I atelunch today, or I got more cup
more water in today than I didbefore, or I made it through
(12:48):
work and I didn't cry in thebathroom.
That's taking care of yourself.
And you need to give yourselfthese good, good pats on the
back and can tell you you'redoing okay, you know.
So you may want to, you know,give yourself some time out, you
know, like maybe you do do someyoga or that you take some deep
(13:09):
breaths at times, you know, andalso you can learn what triggers
some of your anxiety with that,you know, because sometimes it's
people that give you anxiety,right?
You know, sometimes you want totalk and sometimes you don't.
And it's learning how to answerthose questions, you know,
because people mean well, butwhen they're asking you all
(13:29):
these types of questions,sometimes you're just like, I
don't know.
I don't know what my life'sgonna look like right now.
Because you're learning.
And what I've learned throughall of this is that it's okay,
and then I realize it's normalto feel lost and empty after
your loved one who you took careof for so long has passed.
(13:52):
And I I think that we need to beable to give ourselves
permission to grieve and to findyourself again because you're
finding this new person that'snever existed before without
your loved one.
And there is no time limit onthis, even though society does
try to tell us there's a timelimit, there isn't.
(14:13):
And we have to figure it out forourselves.
And it's a hard road.
It it's not an easy thing tofigure out what do we do now
when for so long our livesrevive our lives revolved around
that person and taking care ofthem.
Unless somebody was a caregiver,they don't understand how much
(14:34):
of yourself you give to theother person.
I mean, I obviously it's yourchoice and that's what you want
to do, but it is a lot, youknow, especially as they get
worse and worse in theirillness.
And you do grieve while you'rewhile your person is in that
illness.
And taking care of yourself doesbecome a second, a second
(14:56):
thought, even though itshouldn't.
But it's hard.
It's it's very hard to do all ofit, and now they're gone, and
that life that you had is gone,and then you grieve for what
your life was like with theperson before they got sick, and
all of it together is just verydifficult, and so we have to
(15:18):
give ourselves some grace, wehave to give ourselves time to
figure out what we want to dobecause it is empty.
We do feel lost, that they'regone, and that hole is hard to
fill, and it'll never quite befilled because that person's
gone and they were unique to youwith it.
And I do think that, like Isaid, I think society wants us
(15:42):
to move on, and it's hard, andthen you get angry because
you're like, wait, I'm notready.
So today I like I said, I wantedto talk about who are you when
you don't have that person totake care of?
And that's a really bigquestion.
I I don't know that you cananswer you can answer something
like that right away.
And I think that, you know, as Isaid, people mean well, but they
(16:06):
want us to get back to normal.
Well, our normal's gone.
And so trying to figure out whatthat new normal is takes a long
time, and you have to giveyourself permission to say, it's
okay, I'm still trying to figurethis all out, but you have to
take care of yourself, and Ithink that's really hard for a
(16:27):
person who was a caregiverbecause I think that's our
nature to take care of everyoneelse and not think about
ourselves.
And it's a hard road to learnhow to take care of yourself,
and even in those little, littleminutes, you know, eating a
well-balanced meal that mightfeel like work because sometimes
I do feel like that.
I feel like, oh, that's too muchwork to make a you know, a full
(16:50):
meal, but I know it's important.
Maybe you find, maybe you can,maybe you end up channeling your
caregiving into volunteering.
Maybe that's what brings yousome self-care and you feel
brings you some joy.
And all you can do is your bestto try to figure it out.
And on some days, maybe playingthe game is what works for you.
(17:12):
And other days, maybe it'staking a nap.
Maybe another day it is goingfor a workout, or maybe it's,
you know, talking to somebody,or maybe it's watching, you
know, the silliest sitcom.
You know, I find myself watchingsome old sitcoms, like Friends
brings me comfort.
The Big Bang Theory brings mecomfort, even though I could
probably recite the lines, but Ifind comfort in it because I
(17:36):
know that I've watched it andit's always the same.
You know, and and maybe you'llfind something like that that
makes you feel good.
Or it's the same songs over andover again that make you feel
good.
And it's gonna change, you know,from the very beginning, right
when you lose your person to thevery end, you know, years down
the road, it's gonna besomething different.
(17:58):
But you have to give yourselfpermission to figure out who you
are without your your loved onewho you cared for for so long,
and that's okay.
And and I I think we're alwaystrying to rush, rush, rush.
But like I said, what'simportant is that we try to give
ourselves some care, giveourselves the care that we gave
(18:21):
to our loved one, which is hardfor a caregiver.
We don't like to admit that, butit really is when when it comes
down to it.
So I hope, I hope that thisepisode brought you some
comfort.
And please reach out to me on mypodcast page, or you can email
me.
I'll give you my email.
(18:42):
It's L-I-S-M-A-R-93 atyahoo.com.
If there are any topics you'dlike me to cover or anything
that you found comforting, oryou know, if you want me to talk
more about caregiving, moreabout grief, more about
dementia, or all of the abovefor it.
I hope, like I said, it bringsyou some comfort and that you
(19:05):
know that you're not alone onyour journey, whether you're
just starting this dementiajourney, you're just starting
your grief journey, or you're inthe middle of caregiving, I hope
it brings you some comfort.
So I hope you enjoyed your yourcup of tea, your coffee, or like
I said, if you had a really badday and your glass of wine, and
(19:26):
please join me next time onPatty's Place.
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