TAPE 58 - The Day Jonathan Frakes Wandered In

This tape begins as an attempt to discuss traffic conditions in Bootstuck and immediately collapses into a strange meditation on Dave’s “back 40,” which turns out not to be land at all, but a graveyard of empty bottles and 14 immobile cars. Before the conversation can gain any structure, Jonathan Frakes drunkenly bursts into the recording, mutters something unintelligible, and disappears—an event the Bootstuck resident barely acknowledges before resuming his ramble. From there, the narrator is dragged through a baffling tour of Bootstuck infrastructure: snow-rubbing for warmth, a DIY sewage system powered by four milkshake straws, and a workforce consisting almost entirely of one overburdened and exploding Caleb. The transcript ends on a chillingly casual promise that another plane crash would really help boost local commerce.

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Episode Transcript

Interviewer (00:12):
I guess traffic isn't much of a problem up where
you are.

Hat Guy (00:15):
Not so much of moving traffic, it's more about the
stationary.
If you went into Dave'sbackyard, he calls it the back
40.
And that's because that's wherehe puts all his empty bottles.

Jonathan Frakes (00:24):
If you go back there, you'll ever walked out of
a mall into a huge parking areaand realized you'd forgotten
where you parked your car.

Hat Guy (00:37):
No.

Jonathan Frakes (00:38):
Ever gone mountain biking?
Anywho, uh call the plumber toyour home like this.

Hat Guy (00:44):
What were we talking about again?
Oh yeah, the traffic jam.
Yep.
Dave's got 14 cars that are notmobile.
But his home is.
What he'll do then is gooutside and beef all the horn.
We do like we do it like that.
Woo! We just get in an argumentwith each other.
Dave rolls down the window andputs his hand out.

(01:04):
Fingers spread wide open.
Yep.
But we don't do it a lotanymore with all the snow that
we done got.
I think we're gonna get Calebto go heat it up out there a
little bit.
Yeah.
He either put snow in your I'lljust tell.
Caleb.
Better to just tell him thantell you and then tell him,
right?
Caleb, I want you to put thesnow in your hands.
Rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it,rub it.

(01:24):
Yeah.
Faster.

Interviewer (01:30):
Uh.

Hat Guy (01:30):
That'd be all right, Caleb.
Okay, he's busy.
Do you have anything to talk tome about sewer systems?

Interviewer (01:37):
What?
Uh would you like to talk aboutsewer systems?

Hat Guy (01:40):
Yeah, I'm glad you brought it up.
We have one coming to town.

Interviewer (01:43):
Have a sewage system coming to town.

Hat Guy (01:45):
We got ourselves a sucker machine.
And the sucker machine's gonnago and put it into the sewer and
go and suck it all out.
Yeah, what we did is we got abig milkshake straw.
Four of them.
Caleb put them together.
I don't know how.
And then what he's gonna do issuck it all out and spit it into

(02:06):
the woods back there, and we'llhave ourselves a nice clean
sewer for the rest of theafternoon.

Interviewer (02:11):
There's so much to unpack there.

Hat Guy (02:13):
No, it's gonna be done by Caleb.

Interviewer (02:16):
Does anybody else in Bootstrack do any work?

Hat Guy (02:20):
Yeah.
We have a guy for taxes andauto mechanics.
We have a guy for doing otherthings like screwing light
bulbs, also binding books.
He comes and goes.
Don't know where he goes to,but sometimes I don't see him
for like a month or like sixWednesdays, something of the
sort.
Two moons.

Interviewer (02:37):
Two moons.

Hat Guy (02:38):
Yes, your calendar system is a I like the hum
Brittany spears.
I got a question for you.
How'd you get my number?

Interviewer (02:48):
Your number?
Well, it's actually a shortwavesignal that goes to an old
military phone.

Hat Guy (02:53):
Uh which is having numbers is not short.
It's pretty long.
So having numbers to my to myto my radio phone.
We've got a cool thing, becausewe got a long skinny cord, told
you about that.
And we got a long black curlycurly cord.
And that's different cords,thicker.

Interviewer (03:07):
What are you on about?

Hat Guy (03:09):
Yeah.
But that doesn't understand memy question to you.

Interviewer (03:13):
Uh okay.

Hat Guy (03:14):
We can talk about ladles.
Those are good.
You ever have one of those?
Ladle?
Ladle.
Ladle.
Ladle.
Ladle.
Yes.
Ladle.

Jonathan Frakes (03:23):
Yep.
How many dramas have takenplace in these tight little
boxes?
What's that?
Who knows why certain peoplesay certain things?
Um how soup how superficious areyou?

Hat Guy (03:44):
Um, anywho, uh, I would like to tell you another story
about something different.
We finally got enoughadvertising for the billboard.
Yep.
We're gonna advertise life inboots done.
Yep.
It's a good place to be ifyou're here.
If we can get more people tocome in living town and not just
walk by like Steven once in awhile, well, we'll have there's
a good shot at getting ourselvesa big old store.

(04:06):
Groceries and clothing andelectronics and stuff like that.
We're hoping for another planecrash soon.
That'll do it.
Oh my god.