August 2, 2025 • 53 mins
Pa'Ris'Ha and her international panel of Co-hosts continue to reveal how to achieve "Nonviolent Communication" as described by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
How important is creating a connection to listener comprehension? Pa'Ris'Ha's Co-hosts share their experiences in bringing compassion for self and others, avoiding "wrongs" and trusting the process. Join Pa'Ris'Ha and Co-hosts Marianne Love, Melbourne AUS; Evelyn Yllada, Miami FL; Geraldene Dalby-Ball, Sydney AUS; Gabrielle Thompson, Mt. Beauty, AUS, and Tryna Cooper, Denver CO, as they share candid insights into "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD on Quantum Leap Book Club.
https://www.loaradionetwork.com/quantum-leap
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/law-of-attraction-radio-network--1595897/support.
How important is creating a connection to listener comprehension? Pa'Ris'Ha's Co-hosts share their experiences in bringing compassion for self and others, avoiding "wrongs" and trusting the process. Join Pa'Ris'Ha and Co-hosts Marianne Love, Melbourne AUS; Evelyn Yllada, Miami FL; Geraldene Dalby-Ball, Sydney AUS; Gabrielle Thompson, Mt. Beauty, AUS, and Tryna Cooper, Denver CO, as they share candid insights into "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD on Quantum Leap Book Club.
https://www.loaradionetwork.com/quantum-leap
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/law-of-attraction-radio-network--1595897/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to the Law of Attraction Radio Network. Welcome
to Quantum Leap Book Club. During the next hour, beloved
my scientists, Parrisha and her guests from around the world
will read and discuss various best selling books with well
known authors. Every show will apply retention techniques designed to
help you to absorb powerful knowledge to effectively change your life.
(00:22):
Join us every week for a thought provoking hour and
re listen as often as you can. You will be
delighted by what you learn and you will be excited
by the results. Are you ready to take the Quantum Leap?
Here's Parisha.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
This is Quantum Leap Book Club. I am your host, Parisha,
and with me are my co host today and that
would be Marianne Love of Melbourne, Australia, Alloway of Sydney, Australia,
Gabby of Mount Beauty, Australia and Trina Cooper of Denver,
Colorado area. I apologize that I never know quite where
(01:02):
the township is, so it's around I know, Denver, Colorado.
And today we're actually going to continue with our Non
Violent Communication book by Marshall Rosenberg. I can only say again,
especially after today's session, was doing some conflict resolution of
how effective this book can be not just in personal relationships,
(01:26):
but in any particular area of life where there is
major conflict, and actually the gift of seeing just how
clear the situation can take clarity.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
On when you use the right communication, and that there
are such specific ways, and doctor Rosenberg has done a
magnificent job in this book of giving us examples, meaning
that he could actually direct us to a story that
actually fits some were in our lives that helps us
(02:02):
see things as we can see them through other people's eyes.
I know that sounds kind of strange and maybe not
reality to a lot of people, but it's exactly that.
It's us finally seeing what they're saying through their particular perspective.
And once we can do that, once we can actually
(02:23):
see that, then we're well on our way to see
what else we can do with simply switching our position
on view and looking at somebody.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Else's perspective on it. And that doesn't have.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
To be threatening. What I've come to realize.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Is the only thing that stops us from being that
way on the natural level is the fact that we
don't trust it, or we're concerned, or there's sphere of
debate of it, and then those fears actually shut off
what I would consider common sense or the particular way
to actually look at them in the way to see
(03:02):
things to better and greater outcome. So I'm going to start.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
This week by actually allowing the.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Co hosts to each describe their own interaction and perspective
and review of what they see in the chapters of
this week of what they could actually apply to different
circumstances in their life, and along with that, maybe helping
you see exactly how this can be beneficial to you
(03:34):
in something that's going on in your life right now. Okay,
so why.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Don't we have you start la and actually.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Summing up as three chapters this week and tell us
how you said especially, I mean, you have every opportunity
right now and everything's going on in your life because
you're you're confronting choices on many levels. I can imagine
you need this book right in your hand every minute, yea,
(04:01):
some of the So can you sum up these chapters
for us?
Speaker 4 (04:06):
I absolutely do so I can sum them up from
my perspective and life as it is in this moment.
So we're looking at chapters ten, eleven, and twelve, and
even the key titles of them are giving us information
about what we're really doing here. And the very first
bit is distinguishing between why you get angry, like what's
(04:27):
what's the difference between the stimulus and the cause, because
it's really easy to say I'm angry because they, and
I must say not so much in the last three weeks,
but prior to that, there was plenty in my mind
that came up of I feel angry because they, or
I feel upset because they, or I feel cheated because they,
(04:51):
and this is a situation in business where where the
two of us have different viewpoints on the future of it.
So that key point is distinguished between stimulus and cause,
and the book itself goes through some great examples and
I can see that with mine. It's like, if I'm
(05:14):
feeling angry, what he's saying is have a look at
that what is actually making the anger, and the anger
is the internal dialogue because usually when I'm feeling angry,
the other person isn't in front of me. It's like
you can have so much anger by yourself because it's
(05:36):
the ruminating on it. So that's a key point distinguished
between what's the stimulus, which can be the other person.
The cause of the anger is the internal dialogue, the
internal interpretation of it, and then to use the anger
as a wake up call. The anger is saying, yes,
there's something there, and what's there is unmet needs. Going
(06:02):
to that point of unmet needs can bring compassion for
self because like, what are my needs that are not
being met? And interestingly, compassion for the other person because
you can see the behaviors are based on their needs
not getting met. So it completely changes. And this moves
us into the next chapter, which is around conflict resolution
(06:24):
and mediation. Once you start getting connection between people and
being able to listen. This is a key point for me.
Listen regardless of the delivery. So if someone standing in
front of you saying a whole lot of things that
aren't true for you, and they can do that in
whatever emotional tone they're doing, instead of being there as
(06:46):
a defense like I'm going to get ready to show
that my side is this and that that's that's not
how it works to be there regardless of their delivery.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
So, irrespective of what.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
They're saying, how they're saying, even if they're physically in
your face, be looking and listening for what are their
unmet needs so that you can reflect that back to them,
And they do say that often people need to feel
that you have some empathy for them before they can
(07:21):
hear a word you've said. And he does give some information.
Give an example there where he was talking to a
person and then he said to them, can you repeat
back to me what they said? What he said? And
they couldn't because that empathy wasn't there yet. They were
still upset. And I realized, in the situations I've had,
if I wasn't looking to see what's that unmet need,
(07:42):
I was looking to defend myself, that never really led
to a nonviolent communication. So regardless of delivery, there's a
really key point there, and I can see that when
we like to think we've evolved, this is a really
good test for it because we can see how much
(08:03):
we hold our own irrespective of what's going on around us,
and if we lose it, you just go back again.
It's not fatal. Failure is not fatal. Hopefully for many
of us. Failure is not fatal. But what we're talking
about here are techniques that can help where it really
is a fatal situation. One of the examples that is
(08:24):
given in this these chapters is from a man in
prison who says he wished he learnt this two years earlier,
and the person that is asked why, and he said,
so I didn't have to kill my best friend. So
failure is not fatal usually, but in these cases we're
talking about potentially the biggest things we can be working with.
(08:47):
The third part of it about protective use of force.
This was super interesting because interviewing a school, interviewing the
young people there, and the young people wanted the teachers
to do more when things weren't creating an atmosphere of learning,
even though there were tough kids and all the rest.
And they said, oh, you'd hit that. You need to
hit the kids with a stick if they're bad, or
(09:07):
you need to send them away if they're bad. And
it came around to let's create a room where people
who aren't, you know, fully engaged in the schooling for
the day can go into that room. And so then
it became a self determined and that was a key
point I got from this is that even if you
think that there's something you need to do or rightfully
or you could justify doing it if you put in
(09:31):
the places that the person you're wanting to work with
is self determined when they go to that room, or
self determined to you know, go and get different data,
then you're going to get a much better outcome than
any force or coercion. And their key things I got,
and I absolutely in reflection can see I'm a work
(09:54):
in progress. It when I do it well, there's been
some good outcomes. And it's always star with myself. And
that's the very first point. What's the stimulus might be
out there, but the cause of the feelings is all
inside me. So yes, we're very pertinent these chapters.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And definitely when we get into ten, we go into
actually what eleven is, that's conflict resolution, and then we
go into the protective use supports, okay, and each in
each place there's stories. I cannot again stress the importance
of actually reading the stories and seeing it in action
(10:41):
and seeing a real situation and how it actually unfolds
into the different positions in the conflicts in order to
see the outcome. And like I said, today for me
has been like to this point, it's like about four
o'clock in the afternoon basically on the West coast of
(11:02):
the United States, and just knowing how fast people make
irrational choices and decisions out of anger. And you've covered
that so well here La that you know, we see
things only from our point of fear. I still see
(11:22):
that fear. You can define it when you write fear
at the top of the page. You could fill the
thirty three lines below it with other words. That actually
is the way people express fear and they're scared. And
in one of those ways is to say we're angry.
And usually when we're angry, it's because we are afraid
of something, an outcome that will be in some way
(11:45):
something we cannot deal with. And in conflict resolution, that
is exactly where you have to go is to hear
what that is. You cannot move forward until you actually
do in some way and the other person the trust
and willingness to express themselves and in the posturing as
(12:07):
well as the words that we use, is important that
our posture shows we're willing to listen, that our facial
expression shows interest, and that now our words actually are
supporting all of the evidence around it, that we want
to know exactly what it is. And yes, in most
cases people will yell. This is remember dealing with anger
(12:31):
there's the over emotional reaction to it. So people are yelling,
and people will say in what I consider incoherent things,
usually our insults or accusations, and they're based on usually
the first party here, meaning the person themselves who is
expressing that anger. It is their reaction, not so much
(12:54):
what they're reacting to. Okay, So again there's the listening
that I feel is extremely important in understanding how nonviolent
communication can work. You first have to know what you're
talking to, what you're looking at, and exactly the origin
that are actually in effect at that moment. Okay, So
(13:15):
we're going to move on and we'll go to mary
Anne Marianne loved in Melbourne. Mary Anne, can you sum
up what you particularly feel are the three chapters of
this week and how you feel you're using them especially
in your work because you're dealing every day as a
psychologist with other people's fears, emotions and reactions. So how
(13:38):
would you sum up these two chapters.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
Yeah, I find I'm really loving this because it's helping
me really would with people in particularly in my private practice,
the underlying needs. So for example, I was with a
client yesterday and she had a whole history of feeling
neglected in her family, and in order to manage that,
(14:02):
she would speak up in her family. So she would
always like say what she felt was right to her mom,
like what's right and wrong, and her mom.
Speaker 5 (14:10):
Told her this quote.
Speaker 6 (14:12):
She said to her, it's better to be not to
be right, it's better to be kind. And so that
was the family Matto. And so I actually used this
work because what I was able to help her identify
is the underlying me need that wasn't being met in
that moment when she was actually using the right wrong
(14:33):
language as a kid, and what wasn't met when her
mom didn't acknowledge what those needs were and just slapped
a quote on her to make her feel bad for
speaking up. And that had a great effect because it
actually got her in touch with some deep feelings. And
once they're acknowledged for yourself, then you're able to kind
of put it all in perspective and move on from it.
(14:57):
And I'm finding that's what he's talking about here, able
to firstly hear the other person's need, And I think
that's not the easiest thing to do, particularly when you're
in the situation yourself. All you want to really do
is express your need or your feelings or your summary.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
About what they're doing.
Speaker 6 (15:18):
You want your thing handled first, And he's actually saying
you need to really hear them first, because once you
can hear their need, they're much more likely you're both
much more likely to come to a solution. And he
gave a great example of a father whose kid had
taken his friend's car out for a joy ride with
(15:41):
the friend's daughter in the car, and the daughter confessed
to a dad that's what they'd done, and the father
was so angry, like he was enraged by it. And
then he asked, and he's used to punishing this kid,
like he does all sorts of things normally, but it'd
just done this non violent communication course and so he
wanted to apply the strategies.
Speaker 5 (16:01):
But the kid, he's like, did you do it?
Speaker 6 (16:03):
And the kid lied to him and said, no, I
didn't do it, and that made him even more angry,
and he remembered, like.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
He's got to apply the strategy.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
So he had this private conversation with himself first, and
it was kind of funny to read. It's worth getting
the book to read it, but you know, his normal
responses were still going on in his head, like, don't
lie to mean like all of this, and then he
stopped that to himself privately, so it gave himself time.
So the kid must have been sitting there with nobody
(16:32):
saying anything for a bit while he works.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
Through the script.
Speaker 6 (16:36):
He listened to himself say all the things he shouldn't
be saying, and then he was like, all right, I've
got to find the empathy. So he started to actually
say what the kid wasn't saying, which is, oh, okay,
so you're worried if you speak up that you're going
to be punished and not understood, and you know, the
(16:57):
kid was like, yes, you know, that's actually right. That's
why you know you're worried if you tell the truth.
And so the father was able to do that all
the way along until they got to work to common
understanding and a shared agreement about how the kid may
handle the situation, and the young boy was then able
to really see how there were consequences for his action.
(17:18):
His friend got grounded for three months, which he felt
terrible about because he's the one that had the idea
and did the deed of taking the car for a
joy ride. So just the tool of empathizing first and
really keeping on asking questions until you understand that what
(17:38):
the actual need of the person is. And then once
you've got that, you can identify your need. So that's
what he was really able to do, is like, what
is my need in this situation? Well, it's to you know,
understand my kid and I'm worried about them, and I'm
worried about this. It's like identifying your own need and
then being able to ask the questions to put out
(18:00):
their need. I think was the big take home from
that first chapter, in the chapter ten, and also you know,
clearly realizing our thoughts have a massive impact. Like he
told the story of when he went and taught it
a school and he got punched in the nose twice.
So the first day he was punched in the nose
by a kid that he had judged as a little brat.
(18:24):
I think it was it was something like that spoilt brat.
He judges kid as boil brat. This kid accidentally punches
him in the nose while I was trying to separate
a fight. So he got really angry with this kid.
The next day he comes to school, he gets punched
in the nose another situation by accident by a kid
who he had identified as pathetic, and he noticed he
(18:46):
didn't get angry at the pathetic kid that he enabled pathetic,
He got angry at the one he labels wore brat,
And so it made him totally understand it's actually his
label that made him angry, it's not the kid's behavior.
He got punched in the nose equally and even worse
the second day than the first day. And so I
think we can all identify with that, like how do
we label a situation? Actually, And it's our own label
(19:09):
that hurts us, not their behavior, And so we can
use the anger like a little alarm clock for ourselves,
like recognizing our own anger, going what's our unmet need?
Empathize with their unmet need, and then come to some solution.
So to me, that involves scripting, because you know, which
is actually really thinking about it, because it's not easy
(19:32):
to do that unless you've really trained that in the moment.
And it was almost sad that prisoner story when he
realized that he wouldn't have killed his friend had he
known these things a couple of years ago, Like so
tragic what people do out of not understanding just the
need and you know, so just training ourselves to think
(19:52):
in those terms is really key. And so and the
other thing he spoke about in the chapter eleven was
a situation where a mother was yelling at a toddler.
And the temptation in those situations is to kind of
(20:12):
err on the side of the almost what we would
say is the victim or the one that we don't
you know, he's getting the behavior that we don't like.
But actually the first thing to do is empathize with
the mother to understand her situation till you can then
express your concern or come up with a strategy together.
(20:32):
And in chapter twelve he is saying there is room
for interventions that are using force only if they're protective.
So yeah, I really have to look at your motive first.
Like if a kid was gonna run off a cliff,
you might like intervene in a protective way that uses force,
But that's not punishment, that's not judgment, that's pure protection.
(20:55):
I was thinking about that with a client that came
to our clinic that threatened to be He said he
was suicidal, had just taken an overdose, and then he
ran out of the clinic and tried to run in
front of traffic. And I remember our poor receptionist, she
was new at the time. She she did amazing to
handle it. But she she went out the front with
(21:17):
him and actually used force to stop him from running
in front of traffic. And I thought, yeah, that's protective
use of force. There was no judgment in it. She
was just trying to save his life, which worked, thankfully,
and there is time for it. But I guess we
first really need to look at what's what's underlying our
(21:39):
need and is it protective? Is it for the greater good?
You often talk about that grandmother that you know, what's
for the greater good? And in looking at looking at
our motives and really looking at like if we're trying
to say, get our kid to clean a room and
we're using punishment to do that, are we really getting
the desired outcome that we want, which is do we
(22:01):
want our kid to clean room out of fear or
do we want them to clean the room out of
a desire for order or a desire for a family cohesion?
And does punishment really really teach that, does you know,
really get the outcome?
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Like the principle that noticed.
Speaker 6 (22:19):
A kid hitting another kid in the school, and then
the principle goes and whacks the kid, Like, did the
kid that's boiling the other one really learn how to
respect and get his own needs met? Or did he
just learn you don't do that when there's a bigger
fish around.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
So yeah, just getting.
Speaker 6 (22:36):
Really conscious about these things.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
Very helpful information.
Speaker 7 (22:44):
And you hear me now, yes you can, all right.
So basically what we're looking at here is that what's
become very apparent is the changes that we have to
make in order to be effective with the non violentanguage
and the communication, and then the actual example of the
(23:05):
father evaluating himself in his own position and being transparent
with what the history of punishment usually is here or
the reaction is usually here and so forth, and looking
at making that better. So what I'm loving about this
is the actual transparency that has to take place within
(23:27):
the first party, which is ourselves, to actually see how
we need to be better at changing the way we
approach situations as well as our own reaction to them.
So the effectiveness isn't just out there, it's actually inside
as well. And again it's a real step up, a
(23:49):
real step forward in our life to be able to
always first and uppermost look at the situation before we
throw our own emotional action and anything. So these examples
and stories again are just fantastic. You did very very
well at sharing that. Okay, let's see what Gaby has
(24:10):
to say about the three chapters we have. Sweet Gabby, you're.
Speaker 8 (24:14):
There, Yes, absolutely, I found it very interesting. In chapter ten,
you know, he talks about anger, like we talked all
along about self awareness, becoming aware, more aware of your
feelings and expressing them. And that's all very well if i'm,
let's say, just feel disappointed or feel sad, or feel
(24:35):
a little bit frustrated, But when we look at anger,
that is such a different emotion, and I think it
is challenging for a lot of people, including myself, to
actually access that place where we feel anger because it
can be a little bit scary. And the other reason
I think is anger is often expressed, as Marshall Rosenberg
(24:58):
quotes as well, in quite violent ways, and it doesn't
just have to be physical violence, but it can be
verbally and it can be emotionally, and you know, it
makes people afraid. So it's a really touchy kind of subject.
But when we feel anger, you know. What I found
important is to say it's still my feeling. You know,
(25:19):
nobody else caused it. I don't have to blame myself
for it. It just is I'm angry, So what you know,
it's no different to saying I'm sad. You know, I'm disappointed.
It's just my feeling. But how I express it, of course,
is up to me. And the interesting part is in
often I see people blame others for our feelings. But
(25:43):
how can one person, and you really think of it,
how can one person make different people feel differently about
my behavior? So he has a good example there and said,
you know, if someone is laid for an appointment, if
my if I tap into my needs and I need reassurance,
I might feel hurt. If the person is late and
(26:06):
I need to spend my time purposefully, and I feel
that's not the case. I meet, I feel frustrated, but
if I'm craving solitude, I might even be grateful that
they're late. So, you know, thinking about it, how can
one person's behavior cause all these feelings in others? It
is not possible. Our behavior, as Alloway said, is the
(26:28):
stimulus for sure, but it is not the cause. And
you know, when we come in contact with our own needs,
we can often reduce the feeling that we feel. It
may not be as intense using language so important. You know,
it's so easy to say I'm angry because you when
(26:50):
I sit in the blame spot, but it's really I'm
angry because my need is not fulfilled, and my need
right now is, you know, whatever it is. Also, when
we blame or judge others, of course they go into
the defensive very easily. They might even feel guilty and
do things out of guilt, but not out of their
(27:10):
own motivation. And I really like how he emphasizes when
we not react, learn not to react, which is that
instant here it comes and there was no thought in between. Respond,
respond slowly, take your time, And he even says or
(27:32):
remain silent, that's an option, and that's certainly a learning.
With so many words being thrown around in the world.
In chapter eleven, I like he gives some example and
I see that in people in my practice as well,
where where it's this a standstill where one person will
say you never listen and use the never word, which
(27:53):
is so powerfully destructive, and the other person says, yes,
I do, and there there's some marriages are stuck there,
you know, they don't move on from them or other
relationships in fact, and bottom line is take responsibility and
it is a learning Like you said, grandmother, it's a
real learning process and I've been on that too, to
(28:15):
really do the deed, observe, just observe, take the judgment
out that in itself is challenging, and then find out
what we feel and what needs are not being met.
In one of my clients at the moment, she's very
angry at her husband and she's sitting in that blame
saying it's all his fault to you, he never, he never,
(28:36):
and she's very very angry. So through working on it
with her, I'm learning a lot too, you know, developing
those skills to step back, step out of your emotional
turmoil and say, what is the situation? Can I describe
it just factually and then look at my needs and
expressing my needs in a way that is not offenses
(28:58):
to him. And in Chat eleven he really goes into
how we can resolve conflict and this is a powerful
one that stuck with me to everyone's satisfaction, even if
the outcome is that we in goodwill disagree and leave
(29:20):
it at that. But the aim is not to come
to a compromise, which I often see that's sort of
the end result. We have an issue, well, at least
we compromise, then nobody is happy, nobody is satisfied. But
he says we can come to a place through patients,
trusting in the process where everyone is satisfied, and that
(29:42):
is so so powerful, And I like one of the
examples he gives at the school, you know, where some
disruptive boys were disrupting others from doing their work in
class in the mornings, and the resolution there came up
with was having a time out room so those boys
who didn't feel ready to join the class could have
(30:05):
time out with supervision and talks to teachers, and the
other kids could do their work in peace. I mean,
how simple is that when you really think of it,
And I feel yes, the last chapter, chapter twelve, it
is really important, especially in parenting. If we want to
(30:26):
instill all these values in our children that are important
to us, like autonomy and being independent, being responsible and aware,
we need to allow them to do things out of
their own internal motivation. Then that may be different in
every case, but it might be to contribute, to be
good a good citizen, to you to help, and in
(30:51):
that way, punishment does not work. It will just really
get kids into the defensive. They may do what we
want them to do, but they will find their way
to meet their needs in other ways. So that's important.
So it's a learning journey and I'm on it for sure.
Speaker 7 (31:11):
That was a real recording of what you just said.
That sounded so perfect to Abby. I would have to
say it was well rehearsed. Thank you very very much
with that look at looking at every example that he's
given does take us into our own inward view here
and brings us back out with the whole different concept
(31:34):
of ourselves. So I'm very happy to see that what
we all can can do that. It's when you realize
that you're willing to learn, you're not so offended by
the things you have to change. I run into people
constantly to say it's hard for me to accept that
I'm like that, and it's like, well, harder not It
(31:59):
is truth, and that we need to look at it
nas themselves. Are we happy with it? And if we're
not happy with how we are or how we handle things,
And it's the changes that we can make that are
the gift of what we can now understand that we
couldn't understand before it I in anger. I can tell
you that most of the time. I'm sure that all
(32:22):
three of you have it and encountered this in your
own ways at some point. But people usually don't readily
admit that they're angry. They'll tell you no, they're frustrated,
or no, I'm not angry, it's just this, or it's
just that, and we don't readily agree with whatever someone
else is seeing in us. I think that Rosenberg here
(32:44):
has actually come to such a good antidote to that.
I want to call it an antidote because he brings
it back to showing us how intelligent we really are
instead of how very emotionally immature. So I love the
way he's done that and how he brings it back
around to work. When you finally decide this is something
(33:07):
you could do and be better at, you don't feel
so bad that you need to make the change, So
it's a complimentary thing along the way. So tell me
and share with our listeners how each one of you
have found this to work in your lives on personal levels.
Sharing some of your own personal change with it, Mary Anne,
(33:29):
you want to start with that one. Sure.
Speaker 6 (33:35):
I realized this morning that I really needed this because
I was here preparing for the call with a few
minutes to go, and my partner we had to take
our dog to the VEB and it's not something my
partner was able to do, and I really wanted to
have some notice.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
So I got really upset.
Speaker 6 (33:56):
I need notice, and I realized that I wasn't doing
the methods. Okay, I needed to step back and look
empathetically at their situation before I wanted to yell my
you know, you know, emotionally expressed loudly my position, and
I think I was looking at it and I was
almost chuckling, and I said to my part I'm so,
(34:17):
it's so funny because I'm reading this book about how
to communicate and right now I'm actually.
Speaker 5 (34:22):
Not doing it. And my partner laughed as well.
Speaker 6 (34:27):
But what I noticed was how loud my own emotions
can be in a moment that in that loud moment,
then it's actually even though you can see another person's
also distressed, it actually takes a moment you have to
talks about stopping and breathing and just stopping first and
(34:47):
as the first step that's actually so fundamentally important, like
don't express, just stop and breathe because of how loud
the emotions are on your own side, and it's with
that loudness it's actually hard to start to stand in
their shoes and look at what's your intention is win
win and empathy on their part, so that you can
(35:09):
get to your empathy like and to do the strategy.
So I had to chuckle because I think there's in
every moment really of our communication, there's a way to
apply this in life, you know, just under seeking to
understand first rather than to be understood first.
Speaker 7 (35:33):
Yes, I agree, and I appreciate you sharing that and
knowing that you know. What I've watched is how uncomfortable
people are with silence. So and actually I'm pointing out
here and there it is noticeably throughout the chapters, not
(35:53):
just in one place, but noticeably the take stopping, taking
a breath, or stopping and gathering you your own thoughts
for any moment when you do that, and I feel
I am mastering that, I really do. I use it
for impact that when someone has had such an emotional
(36:16):
release and I am going to call it a release
because they have just gushed it out out everybody. They
have just fewed it okay, and you realize that finally
when they stop, they exhaust themselves. They just stop, and
it's because at this point there's just nothing else in
there that can come out. I have learned how important
(36:41):
it is that everybody sits still and that no one
reacts or has the need to defend or jump back
with any reaction or any response to it. And it's
in that silence. And I think it's actually years back.
(37:01):
I was just today looking at us doing that and
realizing where did Where was my first actual impact with
that and looking back, and I think it was one
Wayne Dyer in some of the early years his teaching
of that in between, he called it that in between,
that's is definitely a big space between your breathing in
(37:26):
and you're breathing out. That there is a middle part there.
That was huge, and he gave a lot of teaching
on that. And for me, this is so important to
take that middle ground, take that time and actually ask myself,
like for me, it's like anymore. I observed the display
(37:49):
of anger and I listened very closely, and again the
art of listening is something one has to learn because
the actual impact is a vibrational impact. Let's look at
the science of what we're talking about here for a
person to ventilate their anger and to actually speak it
(38:11):
in any way acted out. Okay, you're talking about vibrational
impact on everybody within the hearing range level of that
and in some cases beyond that, because as we look
at the new understanding of quantum that this would have
a resonating effect into the world. So not only what's
(38:35):
in the room with it, but beyond that room and
being who I am and what I have dedicated my
life to. My existence isn't just about me. It's the
meed that is in everything. So I sit there and
observe the fact that what just happened here not only
(38:58):
happened in my presence and many other people's presence in
some cases, but it goes beyond this room and it
moves across this beloved planet that I love so much,
and that at that moment, what is my role to
be of healing effect or the offering of another another
(39:24):
reaction to it in some way, So that in between
of that in and out breath, because at the end
of it what I realize is my reaction to that
is to breathe, And in this case usually it's the
breathing out. I find myself not so much paying attention
(39:45):
to the breath that I take in as much as
the breath I let out, and in letting out that breath,
I let out the need to actually make what was
just said mine, that it is not mine, that it
is something I can be objective, and that I can
actually be instrumental and actually taking it to some other level.
(40:13):
And when I do that, I find all kinds of downloads.
And what do I mean by downloads, I mean all
kinds of information, all kinds of things that I don't
feel are just my thoughts. I feel that I open
myself in that moment to other particular presences of intelligence
(40:36):
and other observers, and that they show me something that
I didn't especially maybe pick up in my listening and
my observingness. And I'm always astonished. And I really mean this.
I am in awe and I am astonished and what
comes out of my mouth and I cannot take credit
(40:59):
for that. I cannot say that of my own mind
and will that I actually orchestrated what comes out of
my mouth at that time. I am always impressed with it.
I am always humbled by it. I am always I
feel love, I feel a light and an energy that
(41:24):
is just beyond words. And I think that when we
read this book and we actually know that we are
the peacekeepers, that I'm talking to you, my audience, every
one of you, every one of us, we have a
role in this and we can continue to need to
(41:46):
support our view and be in conflict with other people's
perspective on things, or we can say that none of
that shows any advancement in the actual evolution and role
of kindness and intelligence of human beings, and that we
can sit still for that moment, even though the silence
(42:09):
resounds throughout the universe and it is loud, that we
do not feel the need to move forward to say anything,
so we are sure of the effects of what we're
getting ready to say. And for me, it's no more
than saying to myself that my desire is to give
(42:32):
this person peace and happiness, that they actually come to
a place the where they understand there's something far far
greater than themselves that is with them in these moments,
and that within all of us there is the ability
(42:54):
to always be that. That is the holy of holies,
and when I go there, it's contagious. I come away exhilerated.
Even after eighteen hours of sitting in a conference where
people are battling and threatening to kill anything and everything,
(43:18):
eighteen hours of just emotional badgering, I feel ignited. I
feel charged. I feel full of love and hope and
a certainty, a commitment to knowing that things are going
to be all right, and knowing that we're each capable
(43:43):
of that. I don't see myself a special or set
above anyone. So if you're listening to this, please don't
see this beyond you. I see this in all of us.
I believe we don't measure ourselves to the exactness of
what we can, and that the best of what we
(44:03):
are usually gets lost in something we don't understand or
we can't quite be clear on. And it's just that
moment that you can actually accept that right now, what
you are about to do could affect everything, could be
(44:24):
the choice between it coming to a happy ending or
it being fatal, and that when we allow ourselves to
be that important, when we allow ourselves to want that
more than anything else, we are so capable of absolute
(44:44):
miracles if you see it that way, or the absoluteness
of perfection, And I still see that as love. And
I feel that what Rosenberg gives us is the ability
to find words that maybe are not common to us,
are unique to us at this time in our life.
(45:05):
But I know for me especially, I feel that accepting
the role of elder and using my early childhood influence
and the way I was raised by a Cherokee woman,
my grandmother, and the first twenty years of my life
being actually of almost another world or another time, and
(45:29):
knowing that I bring that into my world and every
way I can today, and realizing the joy and happiness
that comes with that for me, and wanting others to
have that. My drive every day here at eighty three
years old is to see that everybody can have that,
(45:53):
and that it is something that we all are entitled
to and worthy of. Then to find that it's just
a matter of us looking at ourselves and being willing
to do what is right at that moment. By you,
what is the right thing for us to do. My
(46:15):
choice always is to look to the greater hope, not
just myself, not the one, but the many, and knowing
that my table is abundant, and that there are many
chairs at my cable, and just serving yourself as well
(46:36):
as everyone in your world to the feast that you
are capable of, and that's true your love and the
gift of your uniqueness and the one of a kind
that you are. And so in this book, I feel,
especially since we're coming to the end of it, and
I know here locally we're actually going to start what
(46:57):
we call a book club reading and we're going to
advertise it to the community here, but definitely there's several
of us that are going to actually read through this
book and discuss it in open sessions as we read
and act out and actually see what we can do
to enhance the ability of using these communications in a
(47:22):
more defined way in our life. So it's like it's
a choice that we each have to make, and happiness
is the outcome if you're happy, as I see my happiness.
When I am in awe even of myself, I can
only be grateful for the presence that abides with me
(47:44):
every breath I take, and in that allowing myself to
be of the source of the sacred name that represents
that in my life and it comes from having a
sense of kindness or willingness. And I am so grateful
(48:05):
for the teaching that definitely a beautiful brother who is
no longer of the earth with us, but has found
a way that in between that breadth that's in and
out for everything results everything and then nothing, and coming
into that and allowing ourselves that moment before we actually
(48:28):
move to what we truly believe is the best we
can be. I think that's what it's all about, especially
for me. So anyone else want to share, We've got
about five minutes here. Want to share some of the
outcome that the book has had out of what you're
doing in your life.
Speaker 4 (48:49):
This is Laway in Australia. And another key points that
I really heard when you are speaking then is having
the tools ready so that when I'm in an emotional state,
for example, the chemistry has risen, I have tools to
go to. And I appreciate that these chapters give us
(49:11):
the one of four points. First, look, are we blaming ourself?
Speaker 5 (49:16):
Second?
Speaker 4 (49:17):
Are we blaming another?
Speaker 5 (49:19):
Third or an alternative.
Speaker 4 (49:21):
Are we sensing or feeling for our own needs? And
fourth are we sensing or feeling for another person's needs?
So that combined with and Marianne touched on this as well,
the stop identify connect express. I'm going to take those
(49:42):
as a script because it's easy to say things while
I'm in a calm space, and having those on hand,
I know will be that prompt that changes me from
an automatic reaction into really who's talking? Like you always said,
who's talking? And to choose to be the one who's
(50:03):
going to look to sense the feelings of the other's needs,
the feelings of my own needs, rather than blamingmself or
blaming others, and to use that stop id connect express process.
Speaker 7 (50:18):
It's real good. We're happy to hear that, and definitely
you deserve a lot of happiness all away and all
that you have given and all that you do in
this world. Just hearing you say that makes me very happy. Okay,
anyone else like to give some finalization as we come
(50:39):
to the conclusion of our shop.
Speaker 8 (50:41):
Yeah, this is Gabby in Australia and I found being
on a path to self awareness and self realization. Marshall
really emphasizes how to find that silence and the stillness
and stop the busyness to actually learn about ourselves and
in his book he says you do. Start with yourself first,
(51:02):
so be quiet and listen to what the body has
to say, your thoughts, your emotions, and just observe it
is what it is, you know, no judgment, It is
what it is, you know, just that simpleness of it.
Nowhere to go, nothing to fix for now. And then
we go into relationships with others and learn how to
bring that silence into our relationships. And in that silence
(51:25):
also we will learn how to actively listen, how to
put ourselves in another place while we're fully present with
the other person, and from there can come great wisdom
and great healing for all of us, because, after all,
where we're all human, we're all humanity, and we should
all realize that in our great love, like you say, grandmother.
Speaker 7 (51:47):
And no, and what do we know and have learned
is that love is the answer right, So yes, absolutely, Marianne.
Would you like to out of clothing? I mean you
did a good show already, but would you like to
add a closing message?
Speaker 6 (52:05):
I think I just want people to take the time
to stop and drop into their heart to look at
our own intentions of you know, what do we want
in this world and what influence do we want?
Speaker 5 (52:18):
To leave what's legacy and that we can.
Speaker 6 (52:21):
All keep growing and learning and there's no need for
judgment of ourselves or anybody else.
Speaker 7 (52:27):
It sounds good to be very very good. Okay. Well,
we wish our co host Trena Cooper that she's enjoying
herself in France and that they have a shape journey home,
as well as EB and Miami Evelyn taking care of
things that need to be done right now on the
(52:47):
physical side of life. Okay, So we'll be with you
next week as we actually do the closing chapters of
Non Violent Communication by doctor Marshall Rosenberg. Okay, and meanwhile,
consider what we've shared and know that you're important to us.
You're the reason we talk and take this hour out
(53:10):
of our day in life to actually be with you.
You're that important to us. All Right, everyone, have a
happy week and find time to laugh and play.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Ohco thank you for listening to Quantum Leak Book Club.
For more information where you can contact us, go to
Layradio Network dot com, forward slash Quantum hyphen Lead. Have
a great week.
You're listening to the Law of Attraction Radio Network. Welcome
to Quantum Leap Book Club. During the next hour, beloved
my scientists, Parrisha and her guests from around the world
will read and discuss various best selling books with well
known authors. Every show will apply retention techniques designed to
help you to absorb powerful knowledge to effectively change your life.
(00:22):
Join us every week for a thought provoking hour and
re listen as often as you can. You will be
delighted by what you learn and you will be excited
by the results. Are you ready to take the Quantum Leap?
Here's Parisha.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
This is Quantum Leap Book Club. I am your host, Parisha,
and with me are my co host today and that
would be Marianne Love of Melbourne, Australia, Alloway of Sydney, Australia,
Gabby of Mount Beauty, Australia and Trina Cooper of Denver,
Colorado area. I apologize that I never know quite where
(01:02):
the township is, so it's around I know, Denver, Colorado.
And today we're actually going to continue with our Non
Violent Communication book by Marshall Rosenberg. I can only say again,
especially after today's session, was doing some conflict resolution of
how effective this book can be not just in personal relationships,
(01:26):
but in any particular area of life where there is
major conflict, and actually the gift of seeing just how
clear the situation can take clarity.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
On when you use the right communication, and that there
are such specific ways, and doctor Rosenberg has done a
magnificent job in this book of giving us examples, meaning
that he could actually direct us to a story that
actually fits some were in our lives that helps us
(02:02):
see things as we can see them through other people's eyes.
I know that sounds kind of strange and maybe not
reality to a lot of people, but it's exactly that.
It's us finally seeing what they're saying through their particular perspective.
And once we can do that, once we can actually
(02:23):
see that, then we're well on our way to see
what else we can do with simply switching our position
on view and looking at somebody.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Else's perspective on it. And that doesn't have.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
To be threatening. What I've come to realize.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Is the only thing that stops us from being that
way on the natural level is the fact that we
don't trust it, or we're concerned, or there's sphere of
debate of it, and then those fears actually shut off
what I would consider common sense or the particular way
to actually look at them in the way to see
(03:02):
things to better and greater outcome. So I'm going to start.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
This week by actually allowing the.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Co hosts to each describe their own interaction and perspective
and review of what they see in the chapters of
this week of what they could actually apply to different
circumstances in their life, and along with that, maybe helping
you see exactly how this can be beneficial to you
(03:34):
in something that's going on in your life right now. Okay,
so why.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Don't we have you start la and actually.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Summing up as three chapters this week and tell us
how you said especially, I mean, you have every opportunity
right now and everything's going on in your life because
you're you're confronting choices on many levels. I can imagine
you need this book right in your hand every minute, yea,
(04:01):
some of the So can you sum up these chapters
for us?
Speaker 4 (04:06):
I absolutely do so I can sum them up from
my perspective and life as it is in this moment.
So we're looking at chapters ten, eleven, and twelve, and
even the key titles of them are giving us information
about what we're really doing here. And the very first
bit is distinguishing between why you get angry, like what's
(04:27):
what's the difference between the stimulus and the cause, because
it's really easy to say I'm angry because they, and
I must say not so much in the last three weeks,
but prior to that, there was plenty in my mind
that came up of I feel angry because they, or
I feel upset because they, or I feel cheated because they,
(04:51):
and this is a situation in business where where the
two of us have different viewpoints on the future of it.
So that key point is distinguished between stimulus and cause,
and the book itself goes through some great examples and
I can see that with mine. It's like, if I'm
(05:14):
feeling angry, what he's saying is have a look at
that what is actually making the anger, and the anger
is the internal dialogue because usually when I'm feeling angry,
the other person isn't in front of me. It's like
you can have so much anger by yourself because it's
(05:36):
the ruminating on it. So that's a key point distinguished
between what's the stimulus, which can be the other person.
The cause of the anger is the internal dialogue, the
internal interpretation of it, and then to use the anger
as a wake up call. The anger is saying, yes,
there's something there, and what's there is unmet needs. Going
(06:02):
to that point of unmet needs can bring compassion for
self because like, what are my needs that are not
being met? And interestingly, compassion for the other person because
you can see the behaviors are based on their needs
not getting met. So it completely changes. And this moves
us into the next chapter, which is around conflict resolution
(06:24):
and mediation. Once you start getting connection between people and
being able to listen. This is a key point for me.
Listen regardless of the delivery. So if someone standing in
front of you saying a whole lot of things that
aren't true for you, and they can do that in
whatever emotional tone they're doing, instead of being there as
(06:46):
a defense like I'm going to get ready to show
that my side is this and that that's that's not
how it works to be there regardless of their delivery.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
So, irrespective of what.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
They're saying, how they're saying, even if they're physically in
your face, be looking and listening for what are their
unmet needs so that you can reflect that back to them,
And they do say that often people need to feel
that you have some empathy for them before they can
(07:21):
hear a word you've said. And he does give some information.
Give an example there where he was talking to a
person and then he said to them, can you repeat
back to me what they said? What he said? And
they couldn't because that empathy wasn't there yet. They were
still upset. And I realized, in the situations I've had,
if I wasn't looking to see what's that unmet need,
(07:42):
I was looking to defend myself, that never really led
to a nonviolent communication. So regardless of delivery, there's a
really key point there, and I can see that when
we like to think we've evolved, this is a really
good test for it because we can see how much
(08:03):
we hold our own irrespective of what's going on around us,
and if we lose it, you just go back again.
It's not fatal. Failure is not fatal. Hopefully for many
of us. Failure is not fatal. But what we're talking
about here are techniques that can help where it really
is a fatal situation. One of the examples that is
(08:24):
given in this these chapters is from a man in
prison who says he wished he learnt this two years earlier,
and the person that is asked why, and he said,
so I didn't have to kill my best friend. So
failure is not fatal usually, but in these cases we're
talking about potentially the biggest things we can be working with.
(08:47):
The third part of it about protective use of force.
This was super interesting because interviewing a school, interviewing the
young people there, and the young people wanted the teachers
to do more when things weren't creating an atmosphere of learning,
even though there were tough kids and all the rest.
And they said, oh, you'd hit that. You need to
hit the kids with a stick if they're bad, or
(09:07):
you need to send them away if they're bad. And
it came around to let's create a room where people
who aren't, you know, fully engaged in the schooling for
the day can go into that room. And so then
it became a self determined and that was a key
point I got from this is that even if you
think that there's something you need to do or rightfully
or you could justify doing it if you put in
(09:31):
the places that the person you're wanting to work with
is self determined when they go to that room, or
self determined to you know, go and get different data,
then you're going to get a much better outcome than
any force or coercion. And their key things I got,
and I absolutely in reflection can see I'm a work
(09:54):
in progress. It when I do it well, there's been
some good outcomes. And it's always star with myself. And
that's the very first point. What's the stimulus might be
out there, but the cause of the feelings is all
inside me. So yes, we're very pertinent these chapters.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
And definitely when we get into ten, we go into
actually what eleven is, that's conflict resolution, and then we
go into the protective use supports, okay, and each in
each place there's stories. I cannot again stress the importance
of actually reading the stories and seeing it in action
(10:41):
and seeing a real situation and how it actually unfolds
into the different positions in the conflicts in order to
see the outcome. And like I said, today for me
has been like to this point, it's like about four
o'clock in the afternoon basically on the West coast of
(11:02):
the United States, and just knowing how fast people make
irrational choices and decisions out of anger. And you've covered
that so well here La that you know, we see
things only from our point of fear. I still see
(11:22):
that fear. You can define it when you write fear
at the top of the page. You could fill the
thirty three lines below it with other words. That actually
is the way people express fear and they're scared. And
in one of those ways is to say we're angry.
And usually when we're angry, it's because we are afraid
of something, an outcome that will be in some way
(11:45):
something we cannot deal with. And in conflict resolution, that
is exactly where you have to go is to hear
what that is. You cannot move forward until you actually
do in some way and the other person the trust
and willingness to express themselves and in the posturing as
(12:07):
well as the words that we use, is important that
our posture shows we're willing to listen, that our facial
expression shows interest, and that now our words actually are
supporting all of the evidence around it, that we want
to know exactly what it is. And yes, in most
cases people will yell. This is remember dealing with anger
(12:31):
there's the over emotional reaction to it. So people are yelling,
and people will say in what I consider incoherent things,
usually our insults or accusations, and they're based on usually
the first party here, meaning the person themselves who is
expressing that anger. It is their reaction, not so much
(12:54):
what they're reacting to. Okay, So again there's the listening
that I feel is extremely important in understanding how nonviolent
communication can work. You first have to know what you're
talking to, what you're looking at, and exactly the origin
that are actually in effect at that moment. Okay, So
(13:15):
we're going to move on and we'll go to mary
Anne Marianne loved in Melbourne. Mary Anne, can you sum
up what you particularly feel are the three chapters of
this week and how you feel you're using them especially
in your work because you're dealing every day as a
psychologist with other people's fears, emotions and reactions. So how
(13:38):
would you sum up these two chapters.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
Yeah, I find I'm really loving this because it's helping
me really would with people in particularly in my private practice,
the underlying needs. So for example, I was with a
client yesterday and she had a whole history of feeling
neglected in her family, and in order to manage that,
(14:02):
she would speak up in her family. So she would
always like say what she felt was right to her mom,
like what's right and wrong, and her mom.
Speaker 5 (14:10):
Told her this quote.
Speaker 6 (14:12):
She said to her, it's better to be not to
be right, it's better to be kind. And so that
was the family Matto. And so I actually used this
work because what I was able to help her identify
is the underlying me need that wasn't being met in
that moment when she was actually using the right wrong
(14:33):
language as a kid, and what wasn't met when her
mom didn't acknowledge what those needs were and just slapped
a quote on her to make her feel bad for
speaking up. And that had a great effect because it
actually got her in touch with some deep feelings. And
once they're acknowledged for yourself, then you're able to kind
of put it all in perspective and move on from it.
(14:57):
And I'm finding that's what he's talking about here, able
to firstly hear the other person's need, And I think
that's not the easiest thing to do, particularly when you're
in the situation yourself. All you want to really do
is express your need or your feelings or your summary.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
About what they're doing.
Speaker 6 (15:18):
You want your thing handled first, And he's actually saying
you need to really hear them first, because once you
can hear their need, they're much more likely you're both
much more likely to come to a solution. And he
gave a great example of a father whose kid had
taken his friend's car out for a joy ride with
(15:41):
the friend's daughter in the car, and the daughter confessed
to a dad that's what they'd done, and the father
was so angry, like he was enraged by it. And
then he asked, and he's used to punishing this kid,
like he does all sorts of things normally, but it'd
just done this non violent communication course and so he
wanted to apply the strategies.
Speaker 5 (16:01):
But the kid, he's like, did you do it?
Speaker 6 (16:03):
And the kid lied to him and said, no, I
didn't do it, and that made him even more angry,
and he remembered, like.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
He's got to apply the strategy.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
So he had this private conversation with himself first, and
it was kind of funny to read. It's worth getting
the book to read it, but you know, his normal
responses were still going on in his head, like, don't
lie to mean like all of this, and then he
stopped that to himself privately, so it gave himself time.
So the kid must have been sitting there with nobody
(16:32):
saying anything for a bit while he works.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
Through the script.
Speaker 6 (16:36):
He listened to himself say all the things he shouldn't
be saying, and then he was like, all right, I've
got to find the empathy. So he started to actually
say what the kid wasn't saying, which is, oh, okay,
so you're worried if you speak up that you're going
to be punished and not understood, and you know, the
(16:57):
kid was like, yes, you know, that's actually right. That's
why you know you're worried if you tell the truth.
And so the father was able to do that all
the way along until they got to work to common
understanding and a shared agreement about how the kid may
handle the situation, and the young boy was then able
to really see how there were consequences for his action.
(17:18):
His friend got grounded for three months, which he felt
terrible about because he's the one that had the idea
and did the deed of taking the car for a
joy ride. So just the tool of empathizing first and
really keeping on asking questions until you understand that what
(17:38):
the actual need of the person is. And then once
you've got that, you can identify your need. So that's
what he was really able to do, is like, what
is my need in this situation? Well, it's to you know,
understand my kid and I'm worried about them, and I'm
worried about this. It's like identifying your own need and
then being able to ask the questions to put out
(18:00):
their need. I think was the big take home from
that first chapter, in the chapter ten, and also you know,
clearly realizing our thoughts have a massive impact. Like he
told the story of when he went and taught it
a school and he got punched in the nose twice.
So the first day he was punched in the nose
by a kid that he had judged as a little brat.
(18:24):
I think it was it was something like that spoilt brat.
He judges kid as boil brat. This kid accidentally punches
him in the nose while I was trying to separate
a fight. So he got really angry with this kid.
The next day he comes to school, he gets punched
in the nose another situation by accident by a kid
who he had identified as pathetic, and he noticed he
(18:46):
didn't get angry at the pathetic kid that he enabled pathetic,
He got angry at the one he labels wore brat,
And so it made him totally understand it's actually his
label that made him angry, it's not the kid's behavior.
He got punched in the nose equally and even worse
the second day than the first day. And so I
think we can all identify with that, like how do
we label a situation? Actually, And it's our own label
(19:09):
that hurts us, not their behavior, And so we can
use the anger like a little alarm clock for ourselves,
like recognizing our own anger, going what's our unmet need?
Empathize with their unmet need, and then come to some solution.
So to me, that involves scripting, because you know, which
is actually really thinking about it, because it's not easy
(19:32):
to do that unless you've really trained that in the moment.
And it was almost sad that prisoner story when he
realized that he wouldn't have killed his friend had he
known these things a couple of years ago, Like so
tragic what people do out of not understanding just the
need and you know, so just training ourselves to think
(19:52):
in those terms is really key. And so and the
other thing he spoke about in the chapter eleven was
a situation where a mother was yelling at a toddler.
And the temptation in those situations is to kind of
(20:12):
err on the side of the almost what we would
say is the victim or the one that we don't
you know, he's getting the behavior that we don't like.
But actually the first thing to do is empathize with
the mother to understand her situation till you can then
express your concern or come up with a strategy together.
(20:32):
And in chapter twelve he is saying there is room
for interventions that are using force only if they're protective.
So yeah, I really have to look at your motive first.
Like if a kid was gonna run off a cliff,
you might like intervene in a protective way that uses force,
But that's not punishment, that's not judgment, that's pure protection.
(20:55):
I was thinking about that with a client that came
to our clinic that threatened to be He said he
was suicidal, had just taken an overdose, and then he
ran out of the clinic and tried to run in
front of traffic. And I remember our poor receptionist, she
was new at the time. She she did amazing to
handle it. But she she went out the front with
(21:17):
him and actually used force to stop him from running
in front of traffic. And I thought, yeah, that's protective
use of force. There was no judgment in it. She
was just trying to save his life, which worked, thankfully,
and there is time for it. But I guess we
first really need to look at what's what's underlying our
(21:39):
need and is it protective? Is it for the greater good?
You often talk about that grandmother that you know, what's
for the greater good? And in looking at looking at
our motives and really looking at like if we're trying
to say, get our kid to clean a room and
we're using punishment to do that, are we really getting
the desired outcome that we want, which is do we
(22:01):
want our kid to clean room out of fear or
do we want them to clean the room out of
a desire for order or a desire for a family cohesion?
And does punishment really really teach that, does you know,
really get the outcome?
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Like the principle that noticed.
Speaker 6 (22:19):
A kid hitting another kid in the school, and then
the principle goes and whacks the kid, Like, did the
kid that's boiling the other one really learn how to
respect and get his own needs met? Or did he
just learn you don't do that when there's a bigger
fish around.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
So yeah, just getting.
Speaker 6 (22:36):
Really conscious about these things.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
Very helpful information.
Speaker 7 (22:44):
And you hear me now, yes you can, all right.
So basically what we're looking at here is that what's
become very apparent is the changes that we have to
make in order to be effective with the non violentanguage
and the communication, and then the actual example of the
(23:05):
father evaluating himself in his own position and being transparent
with what the history of punishment usually is here or
the reaction is usually here and so forth, and looking
at making that better. So what I'm loving about this
is the actual transparency that has to take place within
(23:27):
the first party, which is ourselves, to actually see how
we need to be better at changing the way we
approach situations as well as our own reaction to them.
So the effectiveness isn't just out there, it's actually inside
as well. And again it's a real step up, a
(23:49):
real step forward in our life to be able to
always first and uppermost look at the situation before we
throw our own emotional action and anything. So these examples
and stories again are just fantastic. You did very very
well at sharing that. Okay, let's see what Gaby has
(24:10):
to say about the three chapters we have. Sweet Gabby, you're.
Speaker 8 (24:14):
There, Yes, absolutely, I found it very interesting. In chapter ten,
you know, he talks about anger, like we talked all
along about self awareness, becoming aware, more aware of your
feelings and expressing them. And that's all very well if i'm,
let's say, just feel disappointed or feel sad, or feel
(24:35):
a little bit frustrated, But when we look at anger,
that is such a different emotion, and I think it
is challenging for a lot of people, including myself, to
actually access that place where we feel anger because it
can be a little bit scary. And the other reason
I think is anger is often expressed, as Marshall Rosenberg
(24:58):
quotes as well, in quite violent ways, and it doesn't
just have to be physical violence, but it can be
verbally and it can be emotionally, and you know, it
makes people afraid. So it's a really touchy kind of subject.
But when we feel anger, you know. What I found
important is to say it's still my feeling. You know,
(25:19):
nobody else caused it. I don't have to blame myself
for it. It just is I'm angry, So what you know,
it's no different to saying I'm sad. You know, I'm disappointed.
It's just my feeling. But how I express it, of course,
is up to me. And the interesting part is in
often I see people blame others for our feelings. But
(25:43):
how can one person, and you really think of it,
how can one person make different people feel differently about
my behavior? So he has a good example there and said,
you know, if someone is laid for an appointment, if
my if I tap into my needs and I need reassurance,
I might feel hurt. If the person is late and
(26:06):
I need to spend my time purposefully, and I feel
that's not the case. I meet, I feel frustrated, but
if I'm craving solitude, I might even be grateful that
they're late. So, you know, thinking about it, how can
one person's behavior cause all these feelings in others? It
is not possible. Our behavior, as Alloway said, is the
(26:28):
stimulus for sure, but it is not the cause. And
you know, when we come in contact with our own needs,
we can often reduce the feeling that we feel. It
may not be as intense using language so important. You know,
it's so easy to say I'm angry because you when
(26:50):
I sit in the blame spot, but it's really I'm
angry because my need is not fulfilled, and my need
right now is, you know, whatever it is. Also, when
we blame or judge others, of course they go into
the defensive very easily. They might even feel guilty and
do things out of guilt, but not out of their
(27:10):
own motivation. And I really like how he emphasizes when
we not react, learn not to react, which is that
instant here it comes and there was no thought in between. Respond,
respond slowly, take your time, And he even says or
(27:32):
remain silent, that's an option, and that's certainly a learning.
With so many words being thrown around in the world.
In chapter eleven, I like he gives some example and
I see that in people in my practice as well,
where where it's this a standstill where one person will
say you never listen and use the never word, which
(27:53):
is so powerfully destructive, and the other person says, yes,
I do, and there there's some marriages are stuck there,
you know, they don't move on from them or other
relationships in fact, and bottom line is take responsibility and
it is a learning Like you said, grandmother, it's a
real learning process and I've been on that too, to
(28:15):
really do the deed, observe, just observe, take the judgment
out that in itself is challenging, and then find out
what we feel and what needs are not being met.
In one of my clients at the moment, she's very
angry at her husband and she's sitting in that blame
saying it's all his fault to you, he never, he never,
(28:36):
and she's very very angry. So through working on it
with her, I'm learning a lot too, you know, developing
those skills to step back, step out of your emotional
turmoil and say, what is the situation? Can I describe
it just factually and then look at my needs and
expressing my needs in a way that is not offenses
(28:58):
to him. And in Chat eleven he really goes into
how we can resolve conflict and this is a powerful
one that stuck with me to everyone's satisfaction, even if
the outcome is that we in goodwill disagree and leave
(29:20):
it at that. But the aim is not to come
to a compromise, which I often see that's sort of
the end result. We have an issue, well, at least
we compromise, then nobody is happy, nobody is satisfied. But
he says we can come to a place through patients,
trusting in the process where everyone is satisfied, and that
(29:42):
is so so powerful, And I like one of the
examples he gives at the school, you know, where some
disruptive boys were disrupting others from doing their work in
class in the mornings, and the resolution there came up
with was having a time out room so those boys
who didn't feel ready to join the class could have
(30:05):
time out with supervision and talks to teachers, and the
other kids could do their work in peace. I mean,
how simple is that when you really think of it,
And I feel yes, the last chapter, chapter twelve, it
is really important, especially in parenting. If we want to
(30:26):
instill all these values in our children that are important
to us, like autonomy and being independent, being responsible and aware,
we need to allow them to do things out of
their own internal motivation. Then that may be different in
every case, but it might be to contribute, to be
good a good citizen, to you to help, and in
(30:51):
that way, punishment does not work. It will just really
get kids into the defensive. They may do what we
want them to do, but they will find their way
to meet their needs in other ways. So that's important.
So it's a learning journey and I'm on it for sure.
Speaker 7 (31:11):
That was a real recording of what you just said.
That sounded so perfect to Abby. I would have to
say it was well rehearsed. Thank you very very much
with that look at looking at every example that he's
given does take us into our own inward view here
and brings us back out with the whole different concept
(31:34):
of ourselves. So I'm very happy to see that what
we all can can do that. It's when you realize
that you're willing to learn, you're not so offended by
the things you have to change. I run into people
constantly to say it's hard for me to accept that
I'm like that, and it's like, well, harder not It
(31:59):
is truth, and that we need to look at it
nas themselves. Are we happy with it? And if we're
not happy with how we are or how we handle things,
And it's the changes that we can make that are
the gift of what we can now understand that we
couldn't understand before it I in anger. I can tell
you that most of the time. I'm sure that all
(32:22):
three of you have it and encountered this in your
own ways at some point. But people usually don't readily
admit that they're angry. They'll tell you no, they're frustrated,
or no, I'm not angry, it's just this, or it's
just that, and we don't readily agree with whatever someone
else is seeing in us. I think that Rosenberg here
(32:44):
has actually come to such a good antidote to that.
I want to call it an antidote because he brings
it back to showing us how intelligent we really are
instead of how very emotionally immature. So I love the
way he's done that and how he brings it back
around to work. When you finally decide this is something
(33:07):
you could do and be better at, you don't feel
so bad that you need to make the change, So
it's a complimentary thing along the way. So tell me
and share with our listeners how each one of you
have found this to work in your lives on personal levels.
Sharing some of your own personal change with it, Mary Anne,
(33:29):
you want to start with that one. Sure.
Speaker 6 (33:35):
I realized this morning that I really needed this because
I was here preparing for the call with a few
minutes to go, and my partner we had to take
our dog to the VEB and it's not something my
partner was able to do, and I really wanted to
have some notice.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
So I got really upset.
Speaker 6 (33:56):
I need notice, and I realized that I wasn't doing
the methods. Okay, I needed to step back and look
empathetically at their situation before I wanted to yell my
you know, you know, emotionally expressed loudly my position, and
I think I was looking at it and I was
almost chuckling, and I said to my part I'm so,
(34:17):
it's so funny because I'm reading this book about how
to communicate and right now I'm actually.
Speaker 5 (34:22):
Not doing it. And my partner laughed as well.
Speaker 6 (34:27):
But what I noticed was how loud my own emotions
can be in a moment that in that loud moment,
then it's actually even though you can see another person's
also distressed, it actually takes a moment you have to
talks about stopping and breathing and just stopping first and
(34:47):
as the first step that's actually so fundamentally important, like
don't express, just stop and breathe because of how loud
the emotions are on your own side, and it's with
that loudness it's actually hard to start to stand in
their shoes and look at what's your intention is win
win and empathy on their part, so that you can
(35:09):
get to your empathy like and to do the strategy.
So I had to chuckle because I think there's in
every moment really of our communication, there's a way to
apply this in life, you know, just under seeking to
understand first rather than to be understood first.
Speaker 7 (35:33):
Yes, I agree, and I appreciate you sharing that and
knowing that you know. What I've watched is how uncomfortable
people are with silence. So and actually I'm pointing out
here and there it is noticeably throughout the chapters, not
(35:53):
just in one place, but noticeably the take stopping, taking
a breath, or stopping and gathering you your own thoughts
for any moment when you do that, and I feel
I am mastering that, I really do. I use it
for impact that when someone has had such an emotional
(36:16):
release and I am going to call it a release
because they have just gushed it out out everybody. They
have just fewed it okay, and you realize that finally
when they stop, they exhaust themselves. They just stop, and
it's because at this point there's just nothing else in
there that can come out. I have learned how important
(36:41):
it is that everybody sits still and that no one
reacts or has the need to defend or jump back
with any reaction or any response to it. And it's
in that silence. And I think it's actually years back.
(37:01):
I was just today looking at us doing that and
realizing where did Where was my first actual impact with
that and looking back, and I think it was one
Wayne Dyer in some of the early years his teaching
of that in between, he called it that in between,
that's is definitely a big space between your breathing in
(37:26):
and you're breathing out. That there is a middle part there.
That was huge, and he gave a lot of teaching
on that. And for me, this is so important to
take that middle ground, take that time and actually ask myself,
like for me, it's like anymore. I observed the display
(37:49):
of anger and I listened very closely, and again the
art of listening is something one has to learn because
the actual impact is a vibrational impact. Let's look at
the science of what we're talking about here for a
person to ventilate their anger and to actually speak it
(38:11):
in any way acted out. Okay, you're talking about vibrational
impact on everybody within the hearing range level of that
and in some cases beyond that, because as we look
at the new understanding of quantum that this would have
a resonating effect into the world. So not only what's
(38:35):
in the room with it, but beyond that room and
being who I am and what I have dedicated my
life to. My existence isn't just about me. It's the
meed that is in everything. So I sit there and
observe the fact that what just happened here not only
(38:58):
happened in my presence and many other people's presence in
some cases, but it goes beyond this room and it
moves across this beloved planet that I love so much,
and that at that moment, what is my role to
be of healing effect or the offering of another another
(39:24):
reaction to it in some way, So that in between
of that in and out breath, because at the end
of it what I realize is my reaction to that
is to breathe, And in this case usually it's the
breathing out. I find myself not so much paying attention
(39:45):
to the breath that I take in as much as
the breath I let out, and in letting out that breath,
I let out the need to actually make what was
just said mine, that it is not mine, that it
is something I can be objective, and that I can
actually be instrumental and actually taking it to some other level.
(40:13):
And when I do that, I find all kinds of downloads.
And what do I mean by downloads, I mean all
kinds of information, all kinds of things that I don't
feel are just my thoughts. I feel that I open
myself in that moment to other particular presences of intelligence
(40:36):
and other observers, and that they show me something that
I didn't especially maybe pick up in my listening and
my observingness. And I'm always astonished. And I really mean this.
I am in awe and I am astonished and what
comes out of my mouth and I cannot take credit
(40:59):
for that. I cannot say that of my own mind
and will that I actually orchestrated what comes out of
my mouth at that time. I am always impressed with it.
I am always humbled by it. I am always I
feel love, I feel a light and an energy that
(41:24):
is just beyond words. And I think that when we
read this book and we actually know that we are
the peacekeepers, that I'm talking to you, my audience, every
one of you, every one of us, we have a
role in this and we can continue to need to
(41:46):
support our view and be in conflict with other people's
perspective on things, or we can say that none of
that shows any advancement in the actual evolution and role
of kindness and intelligence of human beings, and that we
can sit still for that moment, even though the silence
(42:09):
resounds throughout the universe and it is loud, that we
do not feel the need to move forward to say anything,
so we are sure of the effects of what we're
getting ready to say. And for me, it's no more
than saying to myself that my desire is to give
(42:32):
this person peace and happiness, that they actually come to
a place the where they understand there's something far far
greater than themselves that is with them in these moments,
and that within all of us there is the ability
(42:54):
to always be that. That is the holy of holies,
and when I go there, it's contagious. I come away exhilerated.
Even after eighteen hours of sitting in a conference where
people are battling and threatening to kill anything and everything,
(43:18):
eighteen hours of just emotional badgering, I feel ignited. I
feel charged. I feel full of love and hope and
a certainty, a commitment to knowing that things are going
to be all right, and knowing that we're each capable
(43:43):
of that. I don't see myself a special or set
above anyone. So if you're listening to this, please don't
see this beyond you. I see this in all of us.
I believe we don't measure ourselves to the exactness of
what we can, and that the best of what we
(44:03):
are usually gets lost in something we don't understand or
we can't quite be clear on. And it's just that
moment that you can actually accept that right now, what
you are about to do could affect everything, could be
(44:24):
the choice between it coming to a happy ending or
it being fatal, and that when we allow ourselves to
be that important, when we allow ourselves to want that
more than anything else, we are so capable of absolute
(44:44):
miracles if you see it that way, or the absoluteness
of perfection, And I still see that as love. And
I feel that what Rosenberg gives us is the ability
to find words that maybe are not common to us,
are unique to us at this time in our life.
(45:05):
But I know for me especially, I feel that accepting
the role of elder and using my early childhood influence
and the way I was raised by a Cherokee woman,
my grandmother, and the first twenty years of my life
being actually of almost another world or another time, and
(45:29):
knowing that I bring that into my world and every
way I can today, and realizing the joy and happiness
that comes with that for me, and wanting others to
have that. My drive every day here at eighty three
years old is to see that everybody can have that,
(45:53):
and that it is something that we all are entitled
to and worthy of. Then to find that it's just
a matter of us looking at ourselves and being willing
to do what is right at that moment. By you,
what is the right thing for us to do. My
(46:15):
choice always is to look to the greater hope, not
just myself, not the one, but the many, and knowing
that my table is abundant, and that there are many
chairs at my cable, and just serving yourself as well
(46:36):
as everyone in your world to the feast that you
are capable of, and that's true your love and the
gift of your uniqueness and the one of a kind
that you are. And so in this book, I feel,
especially since we're coming to the end of it, and
I know here locally we're actually going to start what
(46:57):
we call a book club reading and we're going to
advertise it to the community here, but definitely there's several
of us that are going to actually read through this
book and discuss it in open sessions as we read
and act out and actually see what we can do
to enhance the ability of using these communications in a
(47:22):
more defined way in our life. So it's like it's
a choice that we each have to make, and happiness
is the outcome if you're happy, as I see my happiness.
When I am in awe even of myself, I can
only be grateful for the presence that abides with me
(47:44):
every breath I take, and in that allowing myself to
be of the source of the sacred name that represents
that in my life and it comes from having a
sense of kindness or willingness. And I am so grateful
(48:05):
for the teaching that definitely a beautiful brother who is
no longer of the earth with us, but has found
a way that in between that breadth that's in and
out for everything results everything and then nothing, and coming
into that and allowing ourselves that moment before we actually
(48:28):
move to what we truly believe is the best we
can be. I think that's what it's all about, especially
for me. So anyone else want to share, We've got
about five minutes here. Want to share some of the
outcome that the book has had out of what you're
doing in your life.
Speaker 4 (48:49):
This is Laway in Australia. And another key points that
I really heard when you are speaking then is having
the tools ready so that when I'm in an emotional state,
for example, the chemistry has risen, I have tools to
go to. And I appreciate that these chapters give us
(49:11):
the one of four points. First, look, are we blaming ourself?
Speaker 5 (49:16):
Second?
Speaker 4 (49:17):
Are we blaming another?
Speaker 5 (49:19):
Third or an alternative.
Speaker 4 (49:21):
Are we sensing or feeling for our own needs? And
fourth are we sensing or feeling for another person's needs?
So that combined with and Marianne touched on this as well,
the stop identify connect express. I'm going to take those
(49:42):
as a script because it's easy to say things while
I'm in a calm space, and having those on hand,
I know will be that prompt that changes me from
an automatic reaction into really who's talking? Like you always said,
who's talking? And to choose to be the one who's
(50:03):
going to look to sense the feelings of the other's needs,
the feelings of my own needs, rather than blamingmself or
blaming others, and to use that stop id connect express process.
Speaker 7 (50:18):
It's real good. We're happy to hear that, and definitely
you deserve a lot of happiness all away and all
that you have given and all that you do in
this world. Just hearing you say that makes me very happy. Okay,
anyone else like to give some finalization as we come
(50:39):
to the conclusion of our shop.
Speaker 8 (50:41):
Yeah, this is Gabby in Australia and I found being
on a path to self awareness and self realization. Marshall
really emphasizes how to find that silence and the stillness
and stop the busyness to actually learn about ourselves and
in his book he says you do. Start with yourself first,
(51:02):
so be quiet and listen to what the body has
to say, your thoughts, your emotions, and just observe it
is what it is, you know, no judgment, It is
what it is, you know, just that simpleness of it.
Nowhere to go, nothing to fix for now. And then
we go into relationships with others and learn how to
bring that silence into our relationships. And in that silence
(51:25):
also we will learn how to actively listen, how to
put ourselves in another place while we're fully present with
the other person, and from there can come great wisdom
and great healing for all of us, because, after all,
where we're all human, we're all humanity, and we should
all realize that in our great love, like you say, grandmother.
Speaker 7 (51:47):
And no, and what do we know and have learned
is that love is the answer right, So yes, absolutely, Marianne.
Would you like to out of clothing? I mean you
did a good show already, but would you like to
add a closing message?
Speaker 6 (52:05):
I think I just want people to take the time
to stop and drop into their heart to look at
our own intentions of you know, what do we want
in this world and what influence do we want?
Speaker 5 (52:18):
To leave what's legacy and that we can.
Speaker 6 (52:21):
All keep growing and learning and there's no need for
judgment of ourselves or anybody else.
Speaker 7 (52:27):
It sounds good to be very very good. Okay. Well,
we wish our co host Trena Cooper that she's enjoying
herself in France and that they have a shape journey home,
as well as EB and Miami Evelyn taking care of
things that need to be done right now on the
(52:47):
physical side of life. Okay, So we'll be with you
next week as we actually do the closing chapters of
Non Violent Communication by doctor Marshall Rosenberg. Okay, and meanwhile,
consider what we've shared and know that you're important to us.
You're the reason we talk and take this hour out
(53:10):
of our day in life to actually be with you.
You're that important to us. All Right, everyone, have a
happy week and find time to laugh and play.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Ohco thank you for listening to Quantum Leak Book Club.
For more information where you can contact us, go to
Layradio Network dot com, forward slash Quantum hyphen Lead. Have
a great week.
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