Quantum Book Club - How Mindful Communication Can Influence Outcomes

Pa'Ris'Ha and her international panel of Co-hosts discuss "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
Does how we express our feelings avoid conflict? Pa'Ris'Ha's Co-hosts share how applying the principles of this book has enhanced their own communications and interactions.
Join Pa'Ris'Ha and Co-hosts Tryna Cooper, Denver CO; Gabrielle Thompson, Mt. Beauty, AUS; Evelyn Yllada, Miami FL, Marianne Love, Melbourne AUS, and Geraldene Dalby-Ball, Sydney AUS as they share their experiences with "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD on Quantum Leap Book Club.
https://www.loaradionetwork.com/quantum-leap

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to the Law of Attraction Radio Network. Welcome
to Quantum Leap Book Club. During the next hour, beloved,
my scientist Parsha and her guests from around the world
will read and discuss various best selling books with well
known authors. Every show will apply retention techniques designed to
help you to absorb powerful knowledge to effectively change your life.

(00:22):
Join us every week for a thought provoking hour and
re listen as often as you can. You will be
delighted by what you learn and you will be excited
by the results. Are you ready to take the Quantum Leap?
Here's Parisha Greetings.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
This is Quantum Leap Book Club. I'm your host, Parisha
and my co host today is Marianne Love in Melbourne, Australia,
Trina Cooper somewhere in the Denver, Colorado area, and we
have Gabrielle Thompson who is actually in Mount Beauty, Australia,
and Laway, which is maining everything in Sydney. We are

(01:02):
expecting and hoping that our little ev from Miami will
be coming in soon, so if so, she'll join us today.
We're really looking at a book and we're about halfway
through called Non Violent communication a language of life. It
is extraordinary. I have planned on actually ordering a few

(01:26):
extra and going over it with some close upfront friends
and personalities, and in it it gives you a means
in a way, I'm finding new vocabulary. It's what I'm
introducing to people in ways that they're actually seeing that
they can now answer, respond and actually get a better

(01:47):
communication line and results. And that's exactly what this book
is about, actually being able to say what you mean
in a way that you actually get an honest to
God response with what you're trying to do. And I
like that. We're starting on chapter seven eight nine today,
and I actually want to read the beginning of chapter

(02:10):
seven because I feel it is probably for me. With
everything else I've read, this is the most intimate, outstanding
part of it is how do we show empathy with
each other? Okay, receiving empathy? It says the last four
chapters described the four components of NVC, what we are observing, feeling,

(02:35):
and needing, and what we would like to request to
enrich our lives. Now we turn from self expression to
apply those same four components to hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing,
and requesting. We refer to this part of the communication
process as receiving empathetically presence. Don't stand, don't just do something,

(03:04):
stand there, which is a Tibetan saying. I've had it
thrown back at me quite a few times. Empathy is
a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. The Chinese
philosopher Chongs who stated that true empathy requires listening with

(03:24):
the whole being. The hearing that is only in the
ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another.
But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to
any one faculty, to the ear or in the mind. Hence,
it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when

(03:48):
the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There
is then a direct grasp of what is right there
before you that can never be heard with the ear
or understood with the mind. I think that that is
so very, very powerful in today's world, when we each

(04:11):
have such opinion and direct particular positions that we're standing
of each other. To just listen to, not even try
to understand. Just being an audience is a word I'm
using and working with the public these days. Just to
be an audience of each other. You know how challenging
can that be. But he goes on to say, empathy

(04:35):
with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all
preconceived ideas and judgments about them. The Australian born is
Raleigh philosopher Martin Buber describes his quality of presence that
life demands of us in spite of all similarities. Every

(04:57):
living situation has like a new born child, a new
phase that has never been before and will never come again.
It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand.
It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility.

(05:20):
It demands you The presence that empathy requires is not
easy to maintain. The capacity to give one's attention to
a sufferer is a very red and difficult thing. It
is almost a miracle. It is a miracle. A search

(05:41):
French philosopher Simon will nearly all those who think they
have the capacity do not possess it. Instead of offering empathy,
we tend instead to give advice or reassurance, and to
explain our own position or feeling. I think that empathy

(06:01):
is probably the most healing thing I've ever found, especially
in doing consulting and counseling, and not actually ever entertaining
in my mind that I have the cure or that
I even have the answer. I have a preset thought
that I really don't know anybody, not even those like

(06:24):
my children. When they're talking to me. I do away
with the mothering of saying you know, I remember when
you were just two years old or whatever. I just
empty out all that space and to just listen, just
to be present. And I remember that in my younger

(06:44):
days as a child, growing in a Native American community
where most of the time conversations existed only as laughter
or giggling at something that was going on. There wasn't
a lot of actually verbal conversation, more looks, expressions, feelings,
and understanding. And I remember how our aunts and our

(07:07):
mothers and our grandmothers, our parents sat with us when
we would be hurt or going through drastic situations in
our life. They never pretended that they knew answers or
that they had the solution for us. They just reassured
us that they were there. So they sat with us.

(07:28):
That was it, just sat with us, not touching us,
not hugging us, not pitying us, not in any way
expressing anything that acted like they had a role in
what we were saying or doing, but just their presence
with strength, just knowing they cared enough to take the
time to sit there, to just be there. That's empathy

(07:54):
and when we begin to look at what we're saying
and then non violent communication. Right now, there's like four
or five people I know that have gone through some
extraordinary transformation just to understand and to have a closer
real life situation with God, to have whatever sacred name

(08:15):
you choose to say for the presence, it's all abiding
and in their struggles of getting past the body into
being something more, they've actually extended themselves to exploring different
realms of activities that will help them cross that bridge.
And in saying that, I would love for them to

(08:36):
read that and to make that a very powerful part
of what they're at and where they're at right now,
and knowing that this is what comes with the knowing,
not the believing, but the knowing, not with the thinking
or hoping, but with the knowing that there is always

(08:59):
with us, that presence that we give the most sacred
of all names and hold with the most mysterious of
all thoughts and explorations. So we're going to start out
today and we're going to let definitely that all of
our co hosts do some climbing around in these chapters
and seeing what they came up with as far as

(09:21):
what they think that you might even be interested in.
So today we're actually going to start with mary Anne
Love in Melbourne, Australia. Mary Anne, what would you like
to share about chapter seven with us?

Speaker 3 (09:35):
This for me was such a profound chapter. I'm glad
you read out about empathy because it's such a key
to help people really get more clear about what's going
on for them. Like he talks about in the book
here that often people might say they're good or bad,
and that's just their kind of first level response, because

(09:55):
underneath that they've actually got deeper feelings that they've even
found high to clarify for themselves. So if we can
get out the way and not personalize the response, then
we can more deeply question. And that's the presence he's
talking about, which he's saying, don't just stand, don't just
do something. Stand there it sounds like we're doing nothing,

(10:17):
but we're actually pretty active in doing something we're just
getting out the way of ourselves, so we're not putting
our stuff in there, like advising or educating or consoling
or sympathizing or explaining. We're not doing any of that habitual.
We're just simply listening for the needs and what the

(10:37):
feelings are and what the needs are. And I think
that's particularly challenging when someone's directing their unhappiness at you,
like you're not doing something that they want, and then
it's pretty habitual to go into some sort of defensive response.
But in what he's talking about is can we just
simply say, oh, you're unhappy because you're needing blah blah blah,

(11:00):
needing to be heard, rather than saying something like oh,
you're saying I'm not listening to you, which makes it
about you. No, he's talking about just really helping a
person identify their needs and paraphrasing which means like expressing
it back to them, but in a way that's kind
of questioning, so you get more clarity on what they're saying.

(11:23):
So it's not like you say you know what they're thinking,
but you're really helping them hone in and even if
you get it wrong in their correcting you, they get
closer to their truths. So it's actually a very helpful thing.
So you could say like, oh, you know, so you're unhappy.
You're saying you are needing to feel more heard by

(11:43):
me or feel more heard, and then they can say
no to that, or so no, no, no, I just
want to feel more supported. I'm not feeling supported, and
then you can clarify that. So he's kind of I
like his dance with people. I like the way he
really gently helps people get clearer through conversation, through questioning.

(12:06):
And one of the things he pointed out that stood
out to me is when we find that hard to do,
maybe we've got our own emotional pain or block that's
making that difficult. And he talks about screaming non violently,
and that's about looking at your own needs in that moment.
So he described like coming home from doing some really
intense conflict resolution with a gang, two groups of gangs

(12:30):
that were actually killing each other, and he come home
to screaming and fighting kids, and so he screamed non
violently to himself, like quietly he said to himself, No,
I'm in a lot of pain. I really don't want
to deal with your conflict. I just need peace and
quiet right now. And just by recognizing his own needs,
he was then able to become more present, and in fact,

(12:52):
his son was so intuitive. His son asked him what
his needs were at that moment. So, yeah, this is
really powerful, and I feel like we really need to
train our brain to respond this way. Like I almost
feel like I need to write some scripts so that
the habitual doesn't come out and that I can actually
stay really present, just particularly when it's It's easier to

(13:16):
do when I'm in as a therapist because it's sort
of in that role anyway, But when it's a personal,
more confront situation that I'm involved in, I think I
need scripts for that.

Speaker 2 (13:27):
Yes, I actually chose you and Gabrielle to actually work
with seven because of the fact that you're both psychotherapists
and people come to you, and why they come to
you is they're looking for answers. They want you to
tell them what the solution is. You know, they're they're
they're kind of imposing that whole authority to you, you

(13:51):
know what I'm saying, and so to actually then be,
you know, apply an act of empathy. They're trying to listen.
I wanted to share with you my friend Doris, who
have known probably forty something years now, who is a psychotherapist.
In fact, now she's a psychiatrist because she went one
step further. But one of the things that she had

(14:13):
shared with me early on some years back, is that
she had had a sore throat and she didn't want
to cancel her patients, so she went ahead for the
whole week seeing her patients. But because she had a
sore throat and it was painful to talk, she really
kind of did empathy and sat with them and let

(14:34):
them do all the talking. And she said every patient
told her at the end of each session these were
the most powerful.

Speaker 4 (14:41):
Sessions that they had had with her in years, right,
And she said it was like, at first, very insulting,
and she said, then I just started to laugh now hysterically,
she says, because what it was was, you know, I
was trying to give the facial expression of being present
with them and involved in what they were saying, but
she said the words were just too painful.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
And she said it was it was so fantastic because
they all said they'd come up with solutions and definitely
that this was the most enlightening, and she said so
for a whole week, it was like everybody was just celebrating,
she said it. Actually, she told me that later she
actually changed some of the manner in which she does
or practice, you know, how she handled that. So I

(15:26):
had to laugh at when I was reading this, I
remembered her story and had my chuckle all over again.
But yeah, I feel I end up in a position
where people expect that I can see where they can't see,
so they want to know what that is and in
that they're so I require so much more because I

(15:47):
want to see into them. I want to see from
where they're looking, you know. I mean so it requires
a certain amount of empathy to actually be able to
identify with what a person saying without eating to put
your own or impose your own opinion or feelings into it.
So kind of for you, guys, you're already put in

(16:08):
a position of that. So we're going to let Gabby
share what she got out of seven as well. Gabby,
what did you get there?

Speaker 5 (16:16):
Well?

Speaker 6 (16:16):
I find it very interesting how he builds up in
the last three chapters. He built up ourselves to have
a look at our own needs and feelings and how
to express them, which is quite a courageous thing and
it's not the usual, you know. And now in chapter
seven and the following chapters, he says, well, now now
that you've kind of mastered, you know, expressing yourself in

(16:40):
a different way where you actually heard because people allow
space for that because you're not confrontational, he says, well,
let's turn this around and use that when you're with others,
so you can actually deeply understand them and just observe
and go into their needs and feelings and requests, which is,
like I said, how level of communicating, you know, And

(17:03):
it is courageous, you know to go there because we
generally and I can only speak for myself, but there are,
like you said, grandmother, there's this past history we have
with people that comes up when they speak, and we're
ready to pounce and sit on that. But he's asking
us to get out of the way, to just be

(17:24):
totally present and look at the meaning behind the words.
And I'm saying the meaning behind the words in emphasis,
you know, behind the body language and digestice and the
facial expressions, and have a clear mind so we can
actually know where people are really coming from and Ultimately,

(17:46):
I would say, we all have a deep desire to
communicate peacefully, and this will open a path for us
to it. Rosenberg reminds us and I like that sentence.
He says, be present. It is a new moment. After all,
it's never been here, and I feel this is important

(18:06):
to let sinc in it's a new moment, not just
for the person we're speaking to, but for us as well.
So that should make it easier for us to get
all our preconceived ideas out of the way. So he's
asking us in empathy to just be open, to have
genuine interest and you know, come back to that curiosity,

(18:28):
just wanting to know what the other is going through
and being there in assistance but in a way that
helps them. And quite often that is just like we mentioned,
it's just being there. And when we're there with people
just holding the same space, even not saying anything, often

(18:49):
we notice that people already calm down just because there's
a witness to what they're going through. And that is
quite beautiful. And when re usees that quote, you know,
don't just do something, stand there, I had to think
it's quite in contrary to what we often say, don't
just stand there do something that is sort of in

(19:10):
our western world what we say, and that means people
might come and give advice, but advice can only be
from my experience, so how can that fit for others?
Or we might say everything will be okay and reassure them,
but how do we know everything is going to be okay?
Or what often happens is, you know, we want to

(19:31):
fix the situation for others, but the solutions we bring
up are usually the ones that work for us and
may not work for the others. And it can also
feel really dismissive of what's going on for people if
we preempt you know what they really need. And sometimes
people need more than just presents. Sometimes people need confirmation

(19:53):
that they've been understood. And ultimately for us to clearly
communicate and improve our relationship ships full stop is we
need clarity of what's being said. Like the clarity can
make us move on, So moving past our judgment of
ourselves and others is the most important part here. And reflection,

(20:16):
you know, just as an example that it gives reflection
can just be saying what we heard, like for example, saying,
are you seem frustrated because you want more time? With
your husband, and then the other person can reflect on
that and say yes or add something to it, or
sometimes you know, if someone says I'm really sad, all

(20:37):
we need to do is just to repeat and say
you're really sad and let things unfold and tensions release
and follow the process that unfolds naturally.

Speaker 2 (20:52):
Okay, that's very very good. And again, like I said,
for you being a psychotherapist and having people actually paid
to come because they do think that you're going to
have their answers, there comes a certain responsibility to you
changing that at some place, helping them come to decisions.

(21:12):
So you guys have a pretty challenging way, and I'm
hoping this book actually gives you some good ideas to
be put applying in your practices. So we're going to
move over to eve which is coming to us from Miami, Florida.
So Evelyn, how you doing and you want to pick
up on chapter eight for us? I definitely would love to. Yes,

(21:35):
I'm doing great today, Thank you.

Speaker 7 (21:36):
In a very hot Miami Florida, very hot, very human
and very wet actually, but we needed the range.

Speaker 5 (21:42):
So it's a blessing.

Speaker 7 (21:43):
So chapter eight really has brought a couple of very
nice jewels for me. I mean, I went through it
and I was reading it and it was like, wow,
this is really cool. And right off the bat he
starts off with this, you know, the whole quote from
Carl Rogers of the impact of empathy when it's done

(22:05):
the correct way on the recipients and how you know
how right it feels when you are just listened to.
But you know, it's it's listening that is that that
that person is truly present, that you're not being judged,
they're not trying to take responsibility, they're not trying to

(22:28):
input themselves into you. Just sometimes we just feel that.
And I know that I've experienced that before, and in
those moments that I've just had that person to just
sit there and just listen, you know, to what I
said and just let me. I call it diarrhea of
the mouth. Just having that that that whole thing of
just letting it all out of me and just not

(22:48):
having any input from that person. That alone, just I
feel makes such a big difference and even my understanding
of what I'm going through because that person and actually
it's like there being a mirror back to of what
I'm saying of what I'm going through and just having
that that presence makes such a big difference. And that's

(23:10):
exactly what KRL. Rogers is saying here in the beginning
of how it makes it just feels good to just
be heard, just feels great. I know that going through
coaching training, I think that that was one of the
best things I ever got to learn, to learn to
truly listen and to listen without being in my head

(23:34):
coming up with the answer to tell that person, but
to just listen. It makes a huge, huge difference. And
then the other thing that really caught my eye, which
I had to laugh, was later on in the chapter
when we're hearing the when he's talking about the girl
that got met up with the drug addict, that the

(23:55):
drug rehab place, and that she remembered in the midst
of having to come to face off with this drug
addict who had a knife to her throat, about the
whole joke of never to put your butt in the
face of an angry person. That made such a big impact,
because that's one of the things that I've always done

(24:17):
now with an angry person. But like when she was
talking about her mother, that she realized that even her
mother would tell her, I think I'll kill you the
next time, you know, you come with a butt, and
that to hit home with me because I am a
butt person.

Speaker 2 (24:30):
It's like I tend to like you're telling.

Speaker 7 (24:32):
Me something to butt. And it made an impact on
me to read what he says about that that just
don't put the butt into it, just let it be,
just listen and just empathize again, and that made such
a huge thing. Also with the hearing, having the empathy

(24:54):
and hearing someone's no, that also for me hit home
because sometimes I know that when I get rejection, when
I hear or know, it really does hit hard on
me because I'm not sure how I'm hearing because I'm
not listening correctly. So just to be able to just
know that I could sit there and just hear or know,

(25:17):
but instead of trying to put meaning into it, to
really listen to that person and see where they're coming from,
where their need is, and then really coming to understand
what that know is about. That's huge. I think that
is such. That's such huge things. So I'm this chapter
was full of all these great things. And then the

(25:39):
other one that was just I had to laugh, was
bringing life back into a conversation because I have such
a hard time with small talk. I'm very socially awkward
when it comes to that. So to read that he
actually interjected, you know, and ask the speaker, it's like,

(25:59):
you know, how can we put life back into this
or to actually have that conviction of saying excuse me,
but I'm actually feeling impatient and is everybody else feeling
this way? That was like, I'm reading this in my mouth.
My jow just dropped as I read this. It was like, Wow,
I don't know if I could ever do that, you know,
but I know that I felt that I've wanted to

(26:21):
do that so many times in different conversations that I
have just been stuck in the middle of it. And
then to know that he actually did it because he did,
you know, he went and he and he actually asked people,
you know about he did a survey asking if this

(26:43):
was actually something that would if a speaker had a
problem with that. And to find out that speakers really
want to be listened to, that they just don't want
just to say words, just to say words, and that
it was okay to interject, I was like, that's huge,
that's so free, And I think It comes back down

(27:03):
to just being honest, just being true, and just being
having that empathy with one another to truly just be
there and listen, truly listen, but listening not to answer,
but listening to truly listen and truly get to know
that person and get to know what's in their occurring
world at the moment. So this book has really brought

(27:24):
a lot of jewels for me things. So it was good,
good chapter.

Speaker 2 (27:31):
That's really good to hear, very good to hear. And
I think so with all of us, I mean, we
all get into our little niches, you know what I'm saying.
So I always use each one of our books. I
was just looking at that the other day when I
was sharing with somebody who would ask, what are some
of the books you've covered on the show, And as
I named each book, I was aware of things that

(27:53):
I had inserted into my life or added or changed
due to the books we've read. Obviously this is going
to be the same. So we're going to move on
now to Trina, and Trina, could you tell us what
you got out of eight?

Speaker 5 (28:09):
Sure?

Speaker 2 (28:10):
I found this.

Speaker 8 (28:11):
I mean it says the title The Power of Empathy,
And I found this really powerful, because, I mean, the
science is learning more and more about the fact that
when we hold emotions and it can create disease and
illness in our bodies. And to be able to have
a platform or use the power of empathy with people

(28:32):
to allow them to get in touch with whatever those
feelings are or whatever their needs are that they're holding
inside of them. The body actually can release and it
can heal. And there's so many examples of that now.
And what this chapter says is that when somebody really

(28:53):
hears you with no judgment, it feels good, It really
feels good. It changes the way the body reacts. And
also when there's listening, true listening, there's solutions there. And
so those two things are pretty powerful, and that's right
up front with this. But the empathy, when he talks

(29:15):
to us, he says, empathy allows us to reperceive our world.
So when we sit and we really open up and
we empty our minds, like in the beginning of chapter seven,
when we get out of our heads and we really
open up and we listen, we have the ability to
actually see things from a different perspective and really get

(29:37):
in touch with the way that people feel about what's
going on in their lives and we get out of
our judgments, and then there's an opportunity for solution on
all levels. There's an opportunity to find a common ground
where there's an opportunity to allow some of the sadness
and the anger to go. So that was one thing

(29:57):
I found that was really powerful in this. One of
the keys in that too, was that it's harder to
emphasize or empathize with those who appear to possess more
power or status. It's that we're really really good at
empathiz emphasize. It can't get the word done being empathic

(30:20):
with the people who are our peers, or maybe people
who are are going through something we went through. But
sometimes the people who have more power, the people that
we think are superior to us, we have a harder
time connecting with that or feeling empathy towards them. And
sometimes just listening and asking what they're feeling, or what

(30:44):
they're needing, or what we can do, what's your request?
Those things can really open up a situation, and I
thought that was beautiful. He gave examples in that first
part about it with both a child with a principle
where the principle was really more focused on the other
people that were waiting for him in a room than

(31:05):
really listening to the child. And he just kind of said, hey,
what do you want me to do? And they said, nothing.
I just want you to listen to me. That's all
I want. And he said he learned a valuable lesson
with that, and that sometimes all people do want is
to have somebody listen to them. Another thing was about
being vulnerable and sometimes we have to open ourselves up

(31:26):
to vulnerability, and that it's really difficult when we're trying
to hold a toughness about us, a tough image, and
he gave the example of a street gang in this
and how they wouldn't listen to him because he came
across as being vulnerable to begin with, and he really
had to work at getting in touch with what they

(31:47):
were feeling and what they were needing and what they
were requesting and still be able to stay in that
place of being vulnerable, being open to them and allowing
them to express themselves and to really feel what they're saying.
So he says, you know, we say a lot by
listening for other people's feelings and needs, and sometimes they

(32:12):
get it. They appreciate that, and they see that as
something extremely important because a lot of times with gangs
or with groups of people who are angry, it's because
they don't feel heard and they get to a point
where the only way they feel like they can express
themselves is to gather together, rally together and make demands.
And that doesn't usually help a lot. It may bring

(32:35):
attention to something, but usually getting back to working with
them and listening to them and trying to find out
what they're looking for is so much more important. And
the other one that really jumped out was the empathy
for silence. There's a lot of kids, especially teens, and
I've got a bunch of teens around me right now,

(32:58):
they kind of go into silence. They don't want to share.
They would rather just sit be quiet, not share how
they're feeling. And as he talked about this with this
girl who had really become quite frozen, quite paralyzed and
not sharing, not speaking, to the point where they were

(33:21):
treating her with drugs and therapies, and he said, it's
important that we don't project our own fears into situations
like that, that we don't worry, we don't try and
figure out what's going on and saying, oh, this must't
I'm afraid this is going to happen, and all of that.
You really need to sit in silence also and sense

(33:42):
what they're feeling as you ask. You know, I feel
like or I'm getting that you may be feeling this,
or I'm getting that you may be needing this, and
getting to a point where they finally begin to open
up and speak. So again, empathy really lies in that
ability to be present and to stay vulnerable. It's powerful

(34:05):
because it can diffuse violence. It can bring out the
feelings and the needs of someone to a place where
they can heal. And it's just they can move past
these pains if someone who can really just sit and
listen and feel for them and ask them those questions.

(34:28):
So I think this is empathy is powerful, and that's
what this whole chapter was about.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
Okay, very very good. I was hoping that you and
Evie would share some of his stories. His stories are
a wealth of information and example and I especially like
the one with the young woman in Toronto that worked
at the Detox Vacation Center in Toronto where she had
a night visitor. So either one of you up to

(34:56):
sharing that story, ebe you got anything on that, either
one of you would be good to share the stories. Okay,
there I go.

Speaker 5 (35:07):
I got my Yeah.

Speaker 7 (35:09):
I had actually kind of went over that briefly before
when I had spoken about it, that that was the
one that she remembered in the midst of the whole
thing about the joke about the butt. It was a
great story because this young lady had just gone through
one of his workshops and said that she was She

(35:32):
worked the front desk of a rehab and she says,
at eleven o'clock one night, a few weeks after, she
says that a man who had obviously been taking drugs
walked in off the street and he demanded a room,
but they were booked, so she says that the next
thing she knew, he was sitting across her chest, holding

(35:54):
a knife to her throat and shouting to him about
don't mi to me, you do have a room. And
then instead of panicking or anything like that, she proceeded
to apply her training by listening to his feelings and
his needs. So doctor Rosenberg was he couldn't believe that

(36:14):
she remembered her training under those conditions, because, like anybody
would freak out and what she said was true. What
choice did I have?

Speaker 5 (36:24):
You know?

Speaker 7 (36:24):
She says that desperation sometimes makes good communicators of us all,
and that's when she told her that joke you told
in the workshop really helped her. She says that it
was what saved her life. And then she remembered that
he said never to put your butt in the face
of an angry person. So instead of going and starting

(36:48):
to argue with him that but I don't have a room,
she remembered the joke, and she said that it had
stayed with her because only a week before, she was
arguing with her mother and her mother told her, I
could kill you when you answer but to everything I say,
so she said, imagine if my own mother was angry

(37:08):
enough to kill me, what would this guy do. So,
instead of screaming, but I don't have a you know,
a room while he was screaming, she took a deep
breath and she said, it sounds like you're really angry
and you want to be given a room. And the
guy yelled back, I may be an addict, but by God,
I deserve respect. So that was her listening of him,

(37:31):
that that's what he needed, because he said, I'm tired
of nobody giving me respect. His parents don't give him respect.
He wanted respect. So she said that she focused on
his feelings and his needs and she said, I, you know,
you fed up of not getting the respect.

Speaker 5 (37:47):
That you want.

Speaker 7 (37:48):
And she said that it went on for about thirty
five minutes. But she said that incredibly that after the
first couple of interchanges something else that they had learned
became a parent. She says that when she concentrating on
listening for his feelings and needs, she stopped seeing him

(38:10):
as a monster. She could just saw him as simply
as a human being whose language and behavior sometimes keeps
them from seeing them as human. So after going on
with this, she finally got through to him and the
hurt and what his needs was and she was able
to help him get another room in another center. So

(38:34):
that to me was amazing. That story, it was very
impactful because, like I had said earlier, for me, the
butt has always been a thing, especially with my mother.
That's always been the biggest one. And she was saying
that afterwards. The whole story about that, the harder one
actually was actually keeping the butt away from her mother,

(38:56):
of not saying it to her mother. So it was
a great story. Really was that one really impected me
a lot.

Speaker 2 (39:03):
Well, I think so too, And the butt being every
time her mother would say something, she would voice the
opposite by saying, but it could look this way, okay,
but that way. So basically that and what I feel
in that story and the stories he gave here in
chapter eight is actually a very clear whether you got
it from the reading or not, but a very clear

(39:26):
summation of what the message is here. To emphasize with
a person is to talk about what they're saying, to
reiterate what they're saying in another and feeding it back
to them, which is allowing them to see that you're
saying what they're saying. What you're saying okay, and that

(39:47):
that definitely with anything in conflict, especially in working with
violent conflict, you just want to reiterate the words back
to them, so do I understand or I do understand
that you're saying, and then you say what that is
that they're saying. So it's actually you reiterating and putting

(40:09):
into words exactly what they're saying, and that's what they
want to hear. And until they actually hear that and
calm down, you can find some there. Obviously, not all
situations come out to be as favorable as this one did,
because the fact, like I said, the young lady simply
persisted because it takes time, again stating the time that

(40:31):
it took thirty minutes. This isn't a five minute situation.
When somebody comes to you that wrapped up in that
tight okay, you have to give it time. The other
example was a principal who's who had a student that
come well. She was on her way out to a
meeting and the student was irate and explaining something, and

(40:53):
she was looking at the clock, feeling pressed that she
had a meeting with a bunch of adults sitting around
a table waiting for her, and here this person was
just going on and on, and so she finally asked her,
you know, so, what can I do for you? And
she was so impressed and impacted for the rest of
her life that the student actually said to her, all

(41:13):
I want is for you to listen to me. And
this is basically what is the inevitable need that people
have when you see frustration, anger, or a situation that's
out of hand. Any over emotional situation just needs time
to diffuse itself, and so she said, Then she said,

(41:35):
she realized how much this child needed her attention. She
sits down, forgot about the meeting, and sat with the
child and held her till she talked her whole thing out.
And it isn't so much agreeing with them as allowing
them to hear you say what they're saying, that they
that they can hear that you understood or that you

(41:57):
heard them. So that's that. Definitely, emphasizing whatever it is
in the situation of a dangerous condition definitely is something
I hope that you all read. And again I say
to our listeners, Okay, every detail in this book has
a beautiful example for you to use, not just hearing

(42:19):
the concept of what he's saying, but he gives living
examples and outcomes that I think are stories. To me
are the value of any message. You can definitely teach
and deliver the material, but when you can give it
to a story, whenever you can bring it into life,
then people hear it from a different place. Okay, we're

(42:41):
going to move on to l Away and Laway, would
you give us whatever you've gotten here out of chapter nine,
which is connecting compassionately with ourselves.

Speaker 9 (42:52):
Absolutely, and I'm so appreciative that this is the chapter
that I got because I feel like, right now, oldems.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
Do you all see how I played a puppeteer here
on the show, And whenever you share with me what's
going on with your week, it's like, Ah, you're the
one I wanted to talk about this chapter. This is
what I would talk about that chapter. And I love
you the Tara on the truck with our conversation last night,
that was just absolutely, one hundred percent beautiful.

Speaker 9 (43:22):
Absolutely, and yeah, I'm living this chapter right now. Not
only am I living this chapter, but I am seeing
the rewards from living this chapter. So I'll touch on
that a little as we go through. And also a
little message there about a truck and a symbol. I'll
mention that as well, so.

Speaker 2 (43:44):
Explaining to the others what we're talking talking about.

Speaker 9 (43:47):
Yes, so I I'll go back one step because it
does relate to this chapter. In the past, I have
noticed that I've gone through some of these feelings where
it's like guilt or shame or not good enough, and
then of course the universe needs to show me that

(44:07):
that's true. However, I'm different now and I don't do
that one of those mindsets started to come up, and
I thought, I need a reflection. Shall I call Grandmother Parisher?
And a truck pulls up next to me with Tara
in capital letters in green and green. Tara is definitely

(44:29):
what I associate with the energy that we're talking about
of compassion, of caring for all of nature. And it
was like that truck kept pulling up and being right
next to me. It's like, okay, okay, I'll pull over
from the highway and I'll make the call. And we did,
and we discussed a topic that had a lot of emotion,
that had the potential for me to go into victim
or guilt, and it was like, no, I'm staying in power.

(44:51):
We're warriors. We got this handled it And within half
an hour the situation was handled. And it was really
that compassionate for self not to go into victim guilt,
not to go into blame. So there's a little background
of it and now to take us through. And I

(45:11):
greatly appreciate the reflection from Tara, the compassion, the power,
the warrior and the outcome and the new version of me.
So in that connecting compassionately with ourselves, one of the
first things he shares with us is avoid shoulding I
should have done this, or I should have done that,

(45:32):
or I should have done this, Just avoid it. If
you find yourself doing this shoulding, then have a look.
And the key question to ask oneself is well, if
that was something that I want to be down on
myself about for whatever reason, be upset with myself or
I didn't do it well? Or ask the question what

(45:53):
need wasn't being met? This is so powerful When you
do this, you'll experience for yourself because minor just words
coming out right now, But do this. If there's a
point that you can go back on, any situation or
something's just come up and you're ready to throw the
bricks on yourself, ask that action that you did or

(46:14):
that thought that you had, what need of your own
wasn't being met? And that's a big part then of
moving to self forgiveness. And he uses the words mourning
as in grief, so the non nonviolent communication and having
that grief around Okay, what do I need to put

(46:35):
back together? And that's that connection of the grief is
what was my met need that was stimulated by whatever
it was that I now have a regret for And
that's like a window then for self forgiveness, because once
we find what that behavior is, then you can move
to meeting that need or indeed finding that that need

(46:57):
maybe is just a construct from a vible mechanism or
a construct from a social requirement, so you can either
meet that need or realize the need is not not
something that needs to own you anymore, and you can
just let the whole thing go. He gives a little
story lesson from the polka dotted suit. He was signing

(47:19):
things and doing all that and being there for other people.
Then he puts the pen in his pocket, rushes out
and realize he's stained his suit with the ink. So
again pile the bricks on top of himself. I'm so stupid.
I ruined my suit. And then to apply that message
of what need wasn't being met, and for him to
be able to look and say, I was wanting to

(47:41):
be there for everybody else, but I wasn't being there
for my own needs. And then he moved from telling
himself off for being so stupid for putting the pen
in his pocket without a lid on it, to having
compassion for recognizing the need to have more balance in
caring for self as well as aiming to apply everybody

(48:02):
else's needs. So that simple story of his, I'm sure
keep that lesson and keep that tool and apply it
to yourself and find where you can work out what
needs of yours may not be being met instead of
just dumping on yourself and saying you're bad. And there's
a fun section as well that says, don't do it

(48:25):
unless it's play now again, I've I realized that I
moved play out of my life historically, not now, and
it was almost because I don't deserve to do that,
because I haven't done these other things. So that whole
guilt thing wrapped up in it. But the key thing
here is he's saying, if you want to contribute to life,

(48:46):
you want to contribute to life enriching purposes. You don't
contribute to life from guilt. You don't contribute to life
from shame, you don't contribute to life from duty.

Speaker 5 (48:58):
So, irrespective of.

Speaker 9 (49:00):
Potentially our religious upbringings, our family upbringings, our social expectations,
to give to life is to be in life enriching purpose.
So if you having those other feelings, use them just
long enough to identify that question of what need isn't
being met. Then you can mix to doing it because

(49:20):
you can play, not because you have to feel bad
about yourself, And that moves us towards the end of
chapter nine, where he also says, when you are looking
at what you're going to do, do it because you
choose to do it, not because you have to. He
gives a little example of whether it be dropping the

(49:42):
kids to school, it's like I have to drop the
kids to school, It's like, choose to do it for me.
Sometimes it might be I have to do that report instead,
I can change that too. I appreciate I have an
abundance of work and I get to do this report,
or I have the ability to do this exercise. So
again will flip that we choose to instead of have to,

(50:04):
And that helps cultivating awareness of what is behind our actions,
and we look at our motives. Are we're doing something
because we need money? Or do we want to approval?
Are we escaping punishment? Is it about shame? Are we
avoiding guilt? All of these things check out that motivation
and if we're answering we're doing it because we're supposed

(50:25):
to do it, then change it. Either change the action
or change our approach to it, because there's still things
we've got to do, but change it, change how we
look at it. And that really is the whole of
the chapter, with those four key points of moving towards
self forgiveness being genuine in how we contribute, make it, play,

(50:49):
cultivate that self compassion daily by asking ourselves, you know,
what was our unmet need? And redoing things and review
things that we think are joyless and change them to
we have to do it to we choose to do it,
and if we're doing life because we're supposed to, then
really take stock of that and switch that around.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
All right, very very good, very very good. So basically,
how do each of you feel so far about the book?
How what have you actually seen and integrated into your
life that actually is you witnessing the results of what
doctor Rosenberger say it any any whatever is upcoming or

(51:38):
have happened.

Speaker 3 (51:40):
This is Marianne. I've applied it with clients and I've
seen for some people it's been a real game changer
in just firstly being able to identify that they have
a need and other people have a need behind what
they've been saying, so they've had it's almost like they've
found a pathway to find common ground with people and

(52:02):
to communicate and to get more of what they want
but also give more of what's needed for.

Speaker 2 (52:07):
The other person.

Speaker 3 (52:08):
So for people that have been really locked into not
understanding or conflict, it's been really powerful for a lot
of my clients that I've used it with so far.

Speaker 2 (52:20):
Okay, very very much sure, Okay, anyone else?

Speaker 6 (52:24):
This is Gabrielle in Australia. I find it needs quite
a bit of practice in a private life to come
to the place where we can just see the other
person's pain and not dwell on our ego what's in us.
And I found breathing helps me a lot, you know,
when I want to, you know, but say something in disagreements,

(52:47):
for example, to just deeply breathe and come to that
place where say I just want the best for the
other person and I see them as a human. I
want them out of pain. And another area that it
came up for me. I deal a lot with families
and children as well, and teaching families to say, you know,

(53:07):
if a child comes and they're hurt or they're upset,
often that parent and instinct comes in and says I
need to fix this because I'm the parent, I'm older,
I know more. But just to be with the child,
to give them a big hug, to sit with them
in their pain, whatever that may be physical or mentally,
and then work through it together because that instills resilience

(53:28):
and that builds strengths in the child or in another person.

Speaker 2 (53:33):
Fantastic anyone else.

Speaker 8 (53:37):
Yeah, that's a traina in Denver. And I've noticed that
with some of their clients we come in working with them,
I can recognize in myself that as they're sharing some things,
I want to give them stories or teach them something
or whatever. And so being able to get out of

(53:59):
mind I head end things and be able to really
touch in with them and start asking them more questions
for more self discovery on their part is really huge.
And also it's been interesting to me to really understand
that the empathy a little bit more, not that it

(54:22):
really is about being getting in touch with them and
not being oh, you hold the compassion, but it's like
you don't have to do anything. You just really need
to be for them and be an ear for them
in so many cases, So just going through some of

(54:44):
these the four pieces of observing and then feeling and
recognizing the needs and then requesting what's wanted. I've also
noticed that so many people have a really difficult time
getting into feeling. They go into story instead of being

(55:07):
instead of actually getting to the feeling and how they feel,
and so being able to understand and say, you know,
be really empathetic with them, but and say, but how
are you feeling about this? You know, what does it
feel like to you? Or I get I get that
you're feeling some fear.

Speaker 5 (55:28):
Is that true?

Speaker 8 (55:29):
Those kinds of things. But I've been really recognizing the
fact that they that so many people go into story
instead and get back in their head instead of keeping
in the feeling of things.

Speaker 5 (55:41):
So that's just some things that have come up for me. Okay,
very good.

Speaker 2 (55:47):
What I want to propose, and we have a few
couple of minutes here is if you look at the
back of your book, you'll see that he has corresponding
books that actually one as a companion workbook and the
other one is an actual non violent communication toolkit for facilitators.
And in discussing this and realizing especially here, we're going

(56:10):
to look at starting a training for this at the center.
And I'm looking for instructors. So I'm looking to see
Gabby and Marianne if you have more time in your
schedule to actually do some presentations, and we can do
this as an hour. We'll have an hour reading sharing

(56:33):
once a week for people to just kind of check
in and say where they're at and what they got,
and then actually do some facilitating of different methods and
stuff and making the non violent communication a part of
our life, whether it be people in business or home
situations or just people want to improve their communication skills.

(56:58):
So we're looking to start that probably in at least
three four weeks, and if you have any interest in that,
it would actually involve you getting the two books that
we're talking about that's available on the last couple of
pages of the book in your hand, Okay, So definitely
looking for facilitators to help teach the class and do

(57:22):
exercises and workshops. I feel that this is another way
that we can contribute to the world around us, to
where there's so many angry communications and it's like everybody
is just sitting on edge. I walk through my day
and listen to people. There's two sides of the coin

(57:44):
going on. I walk through places and seeing wonderful, beautiful
people smiling and greeting each other and you know, just
outreaching in kindness. And then that there's the other what
I would see the balance of that, the negative side
of that, to where people say something almost incoherently and

(58:05):
immediately there's a feud and there's you know, angry words
being tossed back and forth. And when I'm listening to
what they're saying in anger, you can tell that they
don't know what they're talking about. In other words, they're
just throwing something forward without actually thinking exactly what they said,
and in many cases making themselves look worse because of

(58:28):
how they're actually communicating whatever the desperation is they're trying
to communicate. So in looking at that, I was saying, ah,
you know what, this is a good place for that book.
So any of you co hosts that are interested in
actually working with that on an international level, I plan
on putting this out on the international seat, So let

(58:49):
me know your interest.

Speaker 5 (58:50):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
Meanwhile, this is Quantum Book Book Club and we welcome
and want you to continue to share. And I'm sorry
I didn't get to share many of your posts that
you shared. Everybody is saying something good about something that
they've come across in a few chapters we've covered. So

(59:12):
it's all a plus I feel, and so.

Speaker 5 (59:14):
Do have a good week. Those of you who have
the book that are evolving along, please make sure that
you pass the book along once you're finished with it.
It's a good thing to hand it off to someone else.
Just keep it moving, okay. Meanwhile, have a fantastic week,
and thank you my co host, for you sharing your
time this week with us, and we'll catch you next week.

(59:36):
It's beautiful seeing all your wonderful faces.

Speaker 1 (59:39):
Oh CEO, thank you for listening to Quantum Leak Book Club.
For more information where you can contact us, go to
lay Radio network dot com, forward slash Quantum hyphen Leak.
Have a great week.