December 1, 2025 • 12 mins
Christmas catch-ups can be joyful… and also incredibly tense when your kids start noticing that their cousins play by wildly different rules. No screen limits. Loose language. Even underage drinking.
In today’s tricky question, Justin and Kylie unpack how to protect your child’s wellbeing without blowing up family relationships — and how to help your kids navigate mixed values with confidence, clarity, and kindness.
KEY POINTS
- Why “forbidden friendships” often backfire — and what to do instead.
- How to set boundaries without judging extended family.
- The one conversation to have before a big family catch-up.
- Why your influence matters more than the cousin’s environment.
- How to handle major non-negotiables (like alcohol) calmly and clearly.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Force creates resistance — but connection creates influence.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- Submit your tricky question: happyfamilies.com.au
- Voice notes: podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Have a pre-arming conversation. Ask what your child has noticed and how it makes them feel.
- Clarify your family values without criticising others.
- Set non-negotiables (e.g., alcohol, screens) with warmth + firmness.
- Create positive shared experiences on your terms to keep relationships healthy.
- Model compassion — kids learn more from how we speak about others than from the rules we set.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hello, This is the Happy Families Podcast and our last
tricky question of the year. Every Tuesday on the Happy
Families Pod, we answer your tricky questions. This one has
a bit of a Christmas flavor. We're in December and
we've got a question about cousins, catch ups, Christmas and
inconsistent values. What do you do when the kids are
getting older, they're starting to notice that their cousins don't
(00:28):
have the same rules that you have and it's starting
to create some tension. A tricky question for Christmas. Up
next on the Happy Families podcast, Stay with us. Hello,
Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, where you get real
parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
(00:49):
parenting podcast. How cool is that? We are Justin and
Kylie Coulson. We're so glad that you joined us for
a tricky question. Oh by the way, if you have
a tricky question, we'll start answering them again next year.
All you have to do is go to Happy families
dot com dot i U, scroll down to the podcast section,
press the record button, start talking. It's that easy. Or
you can set us a voice note to podcasts at
Happy Families dot com dot au questions about discipline and
(01:11):
family life and wellbeing and stress and kids and finances
and whatever it is that you'd like to ask. We're
here for you and we'd love to discuss it with you. Okay,
here's today's question.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Hi, guys, just ak to some advice on how to
handle cousin relationships, just for contact. My daughter, she's eleven
years old. She's really close with my sister in law's daughter,
who is also eleven. They've grown up together. They get
along really really well. My sister in law's family they
do things very different to the way we parent as
(01:44):
a family. They allow no boundaries on devices screens, their
language is out of control. They also allow their eldest
daughter to drink alcohol. She's only fourteen years old. It's
just a really hard relationship to kind of navigate because
obviously I don't want to sever the relationship my daughter
(02:07):
has with her cousin, but I also am worried about
the implications of their behavior going onto my daughter. Any
advice on how I should navigate this, what I should do,
would be really really helpful.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Okay, Caylie, there it is. I've been making nuts furiously.
I saw you doing that as well. My first thing
is just blood, right, it's your blood. You want to
be close, you want to be connected. There's something there's
something inside us. I don't know whether it's some Darwinian
evolutionary thing or whatever it is that makes us want
to be close and connected to our kin, to our blood,
(02:48):
to those who were related to And that's what makes
this so tricky.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Right, we find ourselves in this moral dilemma because if
we thought about it kind of, I guess, without the
family relationship, without the bloodline.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
You take the family filter off it.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
If it was anybody else and our children wanted to
spend time in that environment, in that home, we would
just say no. Like it wouldn't. It would be an
absolute no brainer. But all of a sudden, because we've
got this bloodline, we feel conflicted. M absolutely, and I
(03:23):
think it's really important to understand. Actually, it's not the
only one who's experienced this. I would say that most families,
whether it's family or a close family friend, we've all
dealt with this. This is something that comes up regularly
for many homes and many families.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
But it's really tricky as well, because at Christmas, you've
kind of got this expectation that everyone is going to
get together and everyone is going to get along, and
that we're going to have peace on earth and good
will towards men, including our cousins and our brothers and
our sisters and our parents and our in laws.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
But there in lies that actually the key. We have
expectations secret happiness. We actually have expectations of what it
looks like, what it should look like, and how we
spend our time. And more times than not, like the
more people I talk to, I feel like we spend
our lives literally tying ourselves and knots, trying to please everybody,
(04:14):
but it actually creates so much more havoc in our lives.
So we've dealt with this in our own family with
our children as they've grown up. But I think the
thing that is really important to us is that we've
not focused so much on the other family. We've focused
on what we do in our home. So when our
(04:35):
kids have come to us and said they really want
to go and spend time with some and so we've
kind of had to look at it a little bit
more analytically and really kind of dissect whether or not
this is something we want our children to be involved in.
We've had a much more hands on approach with those relationships.
We've supervised a lot more, We've kind of created experiences
on our terms, so the kids still get to spend
(04:56):
time with their cousins. This is really important because family
relationships matter. They matter deeply, and if we can find
ways to have positive interactions with them, this goes a
long way to helping our children feel a sense of
belonging and security.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Actually, you can hear the emotion in Kylie's voice, and
that's because our family's experienced this in a lot of directions,
and it really does make life tricky. Let me share
three other ideas that I think might be useful here.
The first is forbidden Fruit. A good friend of mine,
Chris Nemick did some research at the University of Rochester,
probably about fifteen years ago now maybe twenty years ago,
(05:38):
finding that when you make a relationship forbidden, whether it's
a cousin or a friend, it doesn't really matter. But
when you forbid a certain friendship or a certain relationship,
the children gravitate towards it. There's something that goes on
where they feel compelled. You said I can't, but why
not and now I'm going to go out and embrace
this relationship and develop it further and probably be more
(05:59):
influenced in that relationlationship because I don't think that you're
acting in my best interests. So it's a really tricky
typerope to walk. If we make this a forbidden fruit situation,
our children are likely to resist. Force creates resistance.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
You've acknowledged we've got four adult children now, so we're
not having to deal with this as much with them.
But in those early years, there was so much concern
about other people influencing our children. And now coming up
the other end of it, of course, spending time with
people who have different values inevitably rubs off a little
(06:35):
bit on our children. But the greatest influence it's us.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yep, yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
It's what happens in our home, and it's how we
talk about other people. You talk about the forbidden fruit concept.
The idea that I would talk poorly about somebody else
because they live differently to me rubs off on my
children more than them. Spending time with other people who
do things differently.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
After break, big ideas that can help you to have
conversations that will move the needle on this and help
give you clarity so that you can know that the
kids are okay and that they are going to make
decisions that you're going to have confidence in. That's next.
If you're enjoying the podcast, please like, share the podcast,
leave us a five star rating and review. It helps
other people to find the pod more. Next, we're back
(07:27):
this is the Happy Families podcast. I think that one
of the best things that we can do when these
tricky situations arise is to preempt them by having a
pre arm in conversation with the kids. So this is
an exploratory conversation. Sit down with your child and say, hey,
we're going to be catching up for Christmas with your cousins.
And as you know, lately there's been a bit of
a little bit of conflict, a little bit of challenge
around this, and I just want to know what are
(07:48):
you noticing? How's it making you feel? If we did that,
how would you feel about things? So, whether it's you
can talk about the screen limits or the language that
they're using, or the fact that the big kids are
drinking alcohol, you can talk about any of those things,
raise them. If your child hasn't noticed them, well maybe not.
I mean, if you child hasn't noticed them, then it's
probably not a big deal for your child. It's a
big deal for you.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
This des what it is.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Yeah, probably, But by having this conversation, you don't have
to start moralizing and pushing your child away. Instead, you're saying,
what are you noticing and when that happens, how does
it make you feel? And what do you think would
be an appropriate way to deal with it? And if
we were doing it that way in our family, what
do you think the outcome would be?
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:27):
How does that sit? And that lends itself really nicely
to that discussion you were talking about before, Kylie. Well,
in every family, they have different rules and different ways
of doing things, and we don't judge people for doing
things differently to us, but we like the way we
do things and we think that it's for your benefit.
Our job is to protect you and that's why we've
got these rules. So simply having that exploration conversation can
(08:51):
be all you need to do, because now the kids
have come up with these ideas for themselves, they've thought
it through for themselves, and they're making these value judgments
for themselves when not feeding it to them and demanding
that they do what we say. It's the whole need support, autonomy,
support approach. There's one more thing that I do want
to emphasize, though, and this is where we'll wrap it up.
(09:12):
If there are clear violations of appropriate moral boundaries. So
let's say you've got fourteen year olds that are drinking alcohol,
and this is just I mean, if you listen to
the podcast and you think it's a good idea, let
me assure you it's not. The data on this from
around the world now is abundantly clear. Kids who are
given alcohol, even at special occasions by their parents start
(09:32):
to believe that parents endorse alcohol consumption. They believe that
they can drink whenever they want. They're much more likely
to drink to excess and drink more frequently, and they're
much more likely to have alcohol related problems as they
get older. This is just not a recipe for positivity.
So I would be saying, we know that they let
their twelve year old or their fourteen year old have
a sip of beer or wine or whatever because it's
Christmas or Shamps, because we're having a champagne breakfast for
(09:55):
Christmas morning. We know they let you do that. Or
they let their kids do that. We just have a
really clear boundary around this. No, and this is the
reason for it. But once you've emphasized that rule, once
you've provided that clear boundary, and ideally you've brought them
in on the conversation, then you again you emphasize there's
no judgment here. We still love them, they're still our cousins,
(10:16):
there's still our family. We do things differently, but that
doesn't mean that we have to be mad at them,
or that we can't talk to them, or that we
have to ostracize ourselves or them in some way. We
still love them and we still want to have a
good relationship with them, so there's no judgment.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I'd love to say we've always been that wise and
that we've done everything right, and I have come on,
But the things that we've learned through those experiences as
we tried to navigate family life with our young children
and in an effort to safeguard our children, often left
family members feeling ostracized or judged harshly. And it was
(10:51):
never our intention. Our only desire was to keep our
children safe.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
But it's one of my greatest regrets. I've interrupted you,
but one of my great regrets is the one or
two times in our lives where I've opened my mouth
to try to be helpful, but to try to educate
my siblings or your siblings are on something and I've said, yeah,
I don't know about this, and here's why, and it
just doesn't work. Nobody wants to especially from me maybe,
(11:17):
but nobody wants to be told what to do around
the Christmas dinner table. Nobody wants to be getting parenting
advice or being This is a thing that just doesn't work.
So keep it in house, talk to the kids, help
them to develop their values. Greatest regrets. I'm so glad
to raise that, and I just want to emphasize we're
coming at this from a personal experience perspective.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Ultimately, we just want to celebrate Christmas with the ones
that we love. Yeah, find ways to do that and
to celebrate with joy.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Well, we really hope. Actually that's a helpful response for
you tricky, tricky question. Can't wait to get your tricky
questions again in the new year. A Happy families dot
com today. You just go push the button. It's a
super simple system. Tell us what's on your mind. And
we would love to be as helpful as we possibly can. Otherwise,
send us a voice note to podcasts at Happy families
dot com dot you. Oh my goodness, it's beginning to
(12:06):
feel a lot like Christmas tomorrow. On the pod The
Gift of Boredom Slow Christmas Down? How do we counter
the overscheduled holiday madness, building some downtime and create some
unstimulating moments during the Christmas break? Can't wait for that one.
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin, and a whole lot
(12:27):
of other support. If you would like more information about
making your family happier, visit us at happy families dot
com dot au for more
Hello, This is the Happy Families Podcast and our last
tricky question of the year. Every Tuesday on the Happy
Families Pod, we answer your tricky questions. This one has
a bit of a Christmas flavor. We're in December and
we've got a question about cousins, catch ups, Christmas and
inconsistent values. What do you do when the kids are
getting older, they're starting to notice that their cousins don't
(00:28):
have the same rules that you have and it's starting
to create some tension. A tricky question for Christmas. Up
next on the Happy Families podcast, Stay with us. Hello,
Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, where you get real
parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
(00:49):
parenting podcast. How cool is that? We are Justin and
Kylie Coulson. We're so glad that you joined us for
a tricky question. Oh by the way, if you have
a tricky question, we'll start answering them again next year.
All you have to do is go to Happy families
dot com dot i U, scroll down to the podcast section,
press the record button, start talking. It's that easy. Or
you can set us a voice note to podcasts at
Happy Families dot com dot au questions about discipline and
(01:11):
family life and wellbeing and stress and kids and finances
and whatever it is that you'd like to ask. We're
here for you and we'd love to discuss it with you. Okay,
here's today's question.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Hi, guys, just ak to some advice on how to
handle cousin relationships, just for contact. My daughter, she's eleven
years old. She's really close with my sister in law's daughter,
who is also eleven. They've grown up together. They get
along really really well. My sister in law's family they
do things very different to the way we parent as
(01:44):
a family. They allow no boundaries on devices screens, their
language is out of control. They also allow their eldest
daughter to drink alcohol. She's only fourteen years old. It's
just a really hard relationship to kind of navigate because
obviously I don't want to sever the relationship my daughter
(02:07):
has with her cousin, but I also am worried about
the implications of their behavior going onto my daughter. Any
advice on how I should navigate this, what I should do,
would be really really helpful.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Okay, Caylie, there it is. I've been making nuts furiously.
I saw you doing that as well. My first thing
is just blood, right, it's your blood. You want to
be close, you want to be connected. There's something there's
something inside us. I don't know whether it's some Darwinian
evolutionary thing or whatever it is that makes us want
to be close and connected to our kin, to our blood,
(02:48):
to those who were related to And that's what makes
this so tricky.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Right, we find ourselves in this moral dilemma because if
we thought about it kind of, I guess, without the
family relationship, without the bloodline.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
You take the family filter off it.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
If it was anybody else and our children wanted to
spend time in that environment, in that home, we would
just say no. Like it wouldn't. It would be an
absolute no brainer. But all of a sudden, because we've
got this bloodline, we feel conflicted. M absolutely, and I
(03:23):
think it's really important to understand. Actually, it's not the
only one who's experienced this. I would say that most families,
whether it's family or a close family friend, we've all
dealt with this. This is something that comes up regularly
for many homes and many families.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
But it's really tricky as well, because at Christmas, you've
kind of got this expectation that everyone is going to
get together and everyone is going to get along, and
that we're going to have peace on earth and good
will towards men, including our cousins and our brothers and
our sisters and our parents and our in laws.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
But there in lies that actually the key. We have
expectations secret happiness. We actually have expectations of what it
looks like, what it should look like, and how we
spend our time. And more times than not, like the
more people I talk to, I feel like we spend
our lives literally tying ourselves and knots, trying to please everybody,
(04:14):
but it actually creates so much more havoc in our lives.
So we've dealt with this in our own family with
our children as they've grown up. But I think the
thing that is really important to us is that we've
not focused so much on the other family. We've focused
on what we do in our home. So when our
(04:35):
kids have come to us and said they really want
to go and spend time with some and so we've
kind of had to look at it a little bit
more analytically and really kind of dissect whether or not
this is something we want our children to be involved in.
We've had a much more hands on approach with those relationships.
We've supervised a lot more, We've kind of created experiences
on our terms, so the kids still get to spend
(04:56):
time with their cousins. This is really important because family
relationships matter. They matter deeply, and if we can find
ways to have positive interactions with them, this goes a
long way to helping our children feel a sense of
belonging and security.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Actually, you can hear the emotion in Kylie's voice, and
that's because our family's experienced this in a lot of directions,
and it really does make life tricky. Let me share
three other ideas that I think might be useful here.
The first is forbidden Fruit. A good friend of mine,
Chris Nemick did some research at the University of Rochester,
probably about fifteen years ago now maybe twenty years ago,
(05:38):
finding that when you make a relationship forbidden, whether it's
a cousin or a friend, it doesn't really matter. But
when you forbid a certain friendship or a certain relationship,
the children gravitate towards it. There's something that goes on
where they feel compelled. You said I can't, but why
not and now I'm going to go out and embrace
this relationship and develop it further and probably be more
(05:59):
influenced in that relationlationship because I don't think that you're
acting in my best interests. So it's a really tricky
typerope to walk. If we make this a forbidden fruit situation,
our children are likely to resist. Force creates resistance.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
You've acknowledged we've got four adult children now, so we're
not having to deal with this as much with them.
But in those early years, there was so much concern
about other people influencing our children. And now coming up
the other end of it, of course, spending time with
people who have different values inevitably rubs off a little
(06:35):
bit on our children. But the greatest influence it's us.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yep, yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
It's what happens in our home, and it's how we
talk about other people. You talk about the forbidden fruit concept.
The idea that I would talk poorly about somebody else
because they live differently to me rubs off on my
children more than them. Spending time with other people who
do things differently.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
After break, big ideas that can help you to have
conversations that will move the needle on this and help
give you clarity so that you can know that the
kids are okay and that they are going to make
decisions that you're going to have confidence in. That's next.
If you're enjoying the podcast, please like, share the podcast,
leave us a five star rating and review. It helps
other people to find the pod more. Next, we're back
(07:27):
this is the Happy Families podcast. I think that one
of the best things that we can do when these
tricky situations arise is to preempt them by having a
pre arm in conversation with the kids. So this is
an exploratory conversation. Sit down with your child and say, hey,
we're going to be catching up for Christmas with your cousins.
And as you know, lately there's been a bit of
a little bit of conflict, a little bit of challenge
around this, and I just want to know what are
(07:48):
you noticing? How's it making you feel? If we did that,
how would you feel about things? So, whether it's you
can talk about the screen limits or the language that
they're using, or the fact that the big kids are
drinking alcohol, you can talk about any of those things,
raise them. If your child hasn't noticed them, well maybe not.
I mean, if you child hasn't noticed them, then it's
probably not a big deal for your child. It's a
big deal for you.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
This des what it is.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Yeah, probably, But by having this conversation, you don't have
to start moralizing and pushing your child away. Instead, you're saying,
what are you noticing and when that happens, how does
it make you feel? And what do you think would
be an appropriate way to deal with it? And if
we were doing it that way in our family, what
do you think the outcome would be?
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:27):
How does that sit? And that lends itself really nicely
to that discussion you were talking about before, Kylie. Well,
in every family, they have different rules and different ways
of doing things, and we don't judge people for doing
things differently to us, but we like the way we
do things and we think that it's for your benefit.
Our job is to protect you and that's why we've
got these rules. So simply having that exploration conversation can
(08:51):
be all you need to do, because now the kids
have come up with these ideas for themselves, they've thought
it through for themselves, and they're making these value judgments
for themselves when not feeding it to them and demanding
that they do what we say. It's the whole need support, autonomy,
support approach. There's one more thing that I do want
to emphasize, though, and this is where we'll wrap it up.
(09:12):
If there are clear violations of appropriate moral boundaries. So
let's say you've got fourteen year olds that are drinking alcohol,
and this is just I mean, if you listen to
the podcast and you think it's a good idea, let
me assure you it's not. The data on this from
around the world now is abundantly clear. Kids who are
given alcohol, even at special occasions by their parents start
(09:32):
to believe that parents endorse alcohol consumption. They believe that
they can drink whenever they want. They're much more likely
to drink to excess and drink more frequently, and they're
much more likely to have alcohol related problems as they
get older. This is just not a recipe for positivity.
So I would be saying, we know that they let
their twelve year old or their fourteen year old have
a sip of beer or wine or whatever because it's
Christmas or Shamps, because we're having a champagne breakfast for
(09:55):
Christmas morning. We know they let you do that. Or
they let their kids do that. We just have a
really clear boundary around this. No, and this is the
reason for it. But once you've emphasized that rule, once
you've provided that clear boundary, and ideally you've brought them
in on the conversation, then you again you emphasize there's
no judgment here. We still love them, they're still our cousins,
(10:16):
there's still our family. We do things differently, but that
doesn't mean that we have to be mad at them,
or that we can't talk to them, or that we
have to ostracize ourselves or them in some way. We
still love them and we still want to have a
good relationship with them, so there's no judgment.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I'd love to say we've always been that wise and
that we've done everything right, and I have come on,
But the things that we've learned through those experiences as
we tried to navigate family life with our young children
and in an effort to safeguard our children, often left
family members feeling ostracized or judged harshly. And it was
(10:51):
never our intention. Our only desire was to keep our
children safe.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
But it's one of my greatest regrets. I've interrupted you,
but one of my great regrets is the one or
two times in our lives where I've opened my mouth
to try to be helpful, but to try to educate
my siblings or your siblings are on something and I've said, yeah,
I don't know about this, and here's why, and it
just doesn't work. Nobody wants to especially from me maybe,
(11:17):
but nobody wants to be told what to do around
the Christmas dinner table. Nobody wants to be getting parenting
advice or being This is a thing that just doesn't work.
So keep it in house, talk to the kids, help
them to develop their values. Greatest regrets. I'm so glad
to raise that, and I just want to emphasize we're
coming at this from a personal experience perspective.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Ultimately, we just want to celebrate Christmas with the ones
that we love. Yeah, find ways to do that and
to celebrate with joy.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Well, we really hope. Actually that's a helpful response for
you tricky, tricky question. Can't wait to get your tricky
questions again in the new year. A Happy families dot
com today. You just go push the button. It's a
super simple system. Tell us what's on your mind. And
we would love to be as helpful as we possibly can. Otherwise,
send us a voice note to podcasts at Happy families
dot com dot you. Oh my goodness, it's beginning to
(12:06):
feel a lot like Christmas tomorrow. On the pod The
Gift of Boredom Slow Christmas Down? How do we counter
the overscheduled holiday madness, building some downtime and create some
unstimulating moments during the Christmas break? Can't wait for that one.
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin, and a whole lot
(12:27):
of other support. If you would like more information about
making your family happier, visit us at happy families dot
com dot au for more
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.